


Shattered

by Anobii1992



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Family, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Torture, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Torture, Torture, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-25 14:15:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 100
Words: 533,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22417612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anobii1992/pseuds/Anobii1992
Summary: How do you repair a shattered life? When the mind and body seem so broken beyond repair is there even anything that can be done? Can you ever go back to the person you were before?7 months ago, after the events of Skyfall Part 2, the Doctor had to go and see Gallifrey for herself. She dropped the fam off in Sheffield and promised to be back within 24 hours. Things didn’t go to plan and 7 months later the fam have mostly settled back into their own lives, longing for the mysterious woman who showed them the stars. But when they get her she is far from the woman they remember, can they ever bring back their friend?
Comments: 1807
Kudos: 458





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This for now is a sample chapter but several chapters are already written. If you would be interested in Betaing this story for me please get in touch!

Yasmin Khan tugged off the stiff, uncomfortable body armour that she wore as part of her police uniform and hung it up inside the cupboard tucked behind the front door of her house. Her house. It gave her a little thrill every time she thought of it. Just last week, with encouragement from Ryan she had rented out her own place and moved out from her parents house. At first she had been reluctant. What about when the Doctor came back? It was easy to just give up her bed in the room she shared with her sister and say she was “on assignment”. She kept insisting that the Doc would turn up any day now, having just struggled to get the TARDIS to land in exactly the right time and place. Again. She probably wouldn’t even realise how long she had been gone.

But as the days had turned into weeks and months even Yaz had to admit that maybe she just wasn’t coming back this time. Maybe she had moved on, maybe she was bored of them or maybe… maybe she was dead.

The only thing any of them were certain of was that there was nothing more any of them could do. They had texted her repeatedly and called the TARDIS at least twice per day. There was literally nothing else any of them could do but hope she was safe and move on with their lives.

Yaz had definitely underestimated how hard it would be to settle back down to her job. She loved being a police officer but when she had first come back she had chafed under the rules and restrictions that were in place for her safety and the law and yearned for more than parking disputes. It had put her in a perpetually bad mood, causing numerous fights with her family and more than one “heated discussion” with a superior at work.

Ryan and Graham got it though. Without the Doctor to distract him, Graham had struggled without Grace and had needed an outlet. He finally got one when he volunteered with the patient transport department at a small voluntary medical centre that helped addicts and the homeless access medical care.

Ryan had gone back to his job in the warehouse. He did his job and nothing more. For a while his every night was spent either out with a different girl or in a bar looking for one. Thankfully he seemed to be settling down a bit again. They all were.

Team TARDIS. The Fam. Mates. Gang. Whatever you wanted to call them were doing their best without their core member. They tried to get together every other week though with all three of them involved in shift work it could be difficult. Tonight would be one of the rare nights they got together.

Having made it as far as the bedroom, Yaz tucked her boots under her bed out of sight and threw her sweaty uniform into the laundry basket to deal with later. She hadn’t realised how much she had been throwing herself into work until her boss had come up to her earlier in the week explaining that she had 3 weeks of unused holiday time and I it wasn’t taken she would lose it altogether.

Yaz had decided the break could be good for her which was how she found herself in the shower wondering what the hell she could use as a distraction for an entire 3 weeks.

Ryan and Graham were on their way round for pizza and movies but that only took care of one evening. Her parents were on their annual trip and Sonya had decided to go with them. They had invited Yaz and in hindsight she really wished she had gone. Maybe it wasn’t too late to join them? She decoded that she would definitely look into that in the morning.

Shivering slightly as she stepped out of the shower, Yaz quickly dried herself off and put on jeans, a thick cosy jumper and her fuzzy slippers, just in time to hear a knock on her door indicating that Ryan and Graham had arrived.

She quickly tugged a brush through her damp hair and hurried downstairs to let them in. Smiling warmly at her two unlikely best friends, Yaz hurriedly ushered them inside away from the evenings frigid temperatures. It was already -2 and getting colder. A thick layer of ice was beginning to form on the pavements and the gritters were out in full force, spreading salt to stop the roads from freezing.

Yaz was glad she had the next few weeks off, she hated dealing with traffic issues in icy conditions.

Ryan and Graham hung their coats up over the bannister and Yaz made them both a cup of tea while they poured over the online pizza menu, eventually settling on 2 large pizzas, a vegetarian one and a meatfeast, garlic bread and apple strudel for dessert. It was an odd choice of dessert for a small pizza take away in Sheffield but it was surprisingly good.

From past experience they knew the pizza would probably take an hour or so and Yaz went to the cupboard where she kept snacks to find something to tide them over. Her hands drifted over the packet of custard creams she had bought just in case…

Graham noticed her movements “She’ll be ok. Always is” he said softly.

Yaz shook her head slightly away from that thought and lifted out a tin of shortbread Graham had given her as a housewarming gift before she moved in. He insisted it was so that her cupboards would never be empty. Yaz knew it was because he hoped to be offered some when he came to visit.

By the time Ryan and Graham had finished bickering over the Netflix movie choices the pizza had arrived and the three of them lounged across Yaz’s sofa, unconsciously echoing the way they would have had similar nights in the TARDIS. Ryan and Graham slouched on opposite ends of the sofa, opposite the TV. Yaz curled up like a cat in the corner of the other sofa, parallel to the TV. Just missing the Doctor who always seemed to end up in the worst seat, next to the TV and more often than not would have got closer and closer to Yaz, somehow often ending up with her head on her lap, stretched out on the sofas full length. Yaz had often thought that it was the only time she managed to still her restless body for more than a few moments at a time, when there was something else she could focus on entirely.

By the time the dodgy thriller had ended Yaz was feeling much more relaxed. Graham was snoring softly on the sofa, his head back and arm flung across the sofas back. Ryan helped her gather greasy plates and scrunch up the rubbish for the bin and take it all through to the kitchen.

“I’m just going to take this lot out” Yaz muttered, cramming her feet into a pair of boots she left by the back door for the purpose.

“Why not leave it for morning? It’s literally beyond freezing out there and super icy”. Ryan replied, shuddering slightly. The slippery conditions did not mix well with his dyspraxia.

“Can’t. It’ll stink the place out. Always amazes me how something that smells and tastes so good the evening before can be so vile and disgusting the next day”.

Yaz opened the back door and hurried round to the side of her house where her bins were kept.

She was heading back inside when the light from her kitchen window seemed to catch on something in the grass at the bottom of the garden. Squinting in the darkness she struggled to make sense of it and after her police training and travelling with the Doctor there was no way she was leaving it without having a little look, even if it was more than likely a cat.

Pulling her phone out of her pocket she turned the torch on and held it up trying to navigate the icy, sodden grass.

It wasn’t a cat.

“Ryan!” she screamed, dropping to her knees.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major whump, trigger warnings. Although I have lots of ideas, I haven't finished writing yet and its all subject to change so any thoughts, comments, suggestions etc. are warmly welcomed.
> 
> Also still looking for a Beta if anyone is interested :)

Ryan was loading the dishwasher when he heard Yaz scream from her back garden. He dropped the plate back into the soapy water, drying his hands on his jeans as he ran outside. Graham who had been woken by the shout was right behind him.

Yaz was on her knees at the end of her garden, huddled over what appeared to be a person. Who it was or how they had got there he had no idea. What he did know was they needed to get them inside and out of the cold. Now.

Yaz took hold under their arms, Ryan and Graham taking a leg each and they awkwardly carried them inside to Yaz’s sofa.

They gently put the person, a woman, on Yaz’s couch and were able to get a good look at her. Ryan sprinted for the kitchen and they could hear him vomiting into the sink.

“It’s her isn’t it. It’s the Doctor” whispered Graham, staggering back slightly.

Yaz was grateful to her police training, she was able to take it in without panicking and take action. But it was hard.

She was sure Graham was right and it was the Doctor. But a more accurate statement might be what was left of the doctor. There were only a few wisps of hair on her head and it looked like she had had acid poured over her. There were deep burns starting across the left side of her scalp, down her face, neck, shoulder and arm. Her ear seemed to have burned away completely leaving just a nodule of twisted flesh in its place. More traditional burns were across her stomach and breasts, her right leg was clearly broken in at least two places and her left shoulder appeared to be hanging out of its socket. Yaz could see all of this because she was completely naked.

“I’m going to call an ambulance” whispered Graham, fumbling in his jacket pocket for his phone. Ryan who had made it back into the living room gently grabbed his wrist to stop him.

“You can’t Grandad. What would you say? This is our friend. No, she doesn’t have a name. Please help but don’t look too close because she’s got two hearts in there but no lungs. Yes she’s an alien. Please don’t dissect her.” He turned his attention to Yaz, “Is she…”

Yaz took a deep swallow and knelt down beside her friend. She put her ear to the Doctor’s chest, first one side then the other, grimacing slightly as the smell of burning filled her nostrils.

“The right heart is definitely beating. It’s slower than mine. The left is giving the odd beat. Shouldn’t they be working together? She’s breathing but its shallow and slow.”

“She’s an alien, who’s to say what’s normal?”

“Is her heartbeat normally slower than ours?”

“How would I know.”

“What do we do?”

Yaz took charge. “I spent years training with and volunteering for St Johns Ambulance and I’ve done emergency survival stuff but nothing like this. But she would do everything to take care of us and we’re going to do the same. Graham, go and find anywhere that’s open with a chemist. Take everything you can get – bandages, gloves, anti-septic, burn gel, dressings, something we can use to stabilise her leg. If they have it we need it. We don’t need pain relief, she can’t have it.”

“How do you know that” he interrupted.

“She mentioned it once. Don’t you listen? Never give her anything if she isn’t conscious enough to use it on her own. One dose of asprin could kill her in seconds so we’re certainly not going to attempt it or anything else. Ryan I know it’s not going to be pleasant but we need to get her upstairs and wash her”

“What, no I can’t. It’ll hurt her and I can’t see her…” Ryan was determinedly looking anywhere else, even though Yaz had already covered her with her dressing gown that had been on the back of the sofa. He jumped slightly as the front door banged, Graham having already sprung into action.

“Ryan she’s not dead but she is dying. Now is not the time to worry about her modesty. But we need to clean her wounds, they’re infected. I can see and smell it. And there’s bits of what I think used to be her coat stuck to her arm. She can’t heal in this state.”

Ryan nodded, a look of grim determination on his face. With Yaz’s help he gently picked her up. She was completely limp and unresponsive and disturbingly light. He carried her to the bathroom and gently lowered her into the bath, relieved that he hadn’t managed to drop her or whack her head on a doorframe.

“Go to the hot press and get all my towels and bring them in, then go and put clean sheets on my bed. There’s a brand new set at the bottom, my Nani washed them and she always insists on boiling bed sheets so they should be really clean and not irritate her skin any more than it is.”

“Understatement” he muttered hurrying from the bathroom.

Yaz turned the water on, running it into the sink until it was the right temperature. Her Nani had once told her about a woman in her village who had been burnt in a failed “honour killing”. She had been haunted by the screams of the woman as her burns had been scrubbed and cleaned. It was going to hurt like hell but Yaz knew it needed to be done.

Satisfied the water was warm enough to not make the doctor any colder than she already was but not too hot to aggravate her burns she moved the showerhead over the bath. Using a small towel Yaz carefully began to wash the doctor, starting with the least injured parts she could find. Which wasn’t much. As she scrubbed at the Doctor’s skin as gently as she could she could feel tears dripping down her own cheeks. While it didn’t appear as if the Doctor could feel it, what she was doing now would be agony if she could. But what choice did she have? She was filthy, covered in what looked like oil, grease, dirt and ash. The open wounds and sores were full of it and Yaz was sure that alien or no alien, her body couldn’t handle all of that inside of her in this state.

Yaz wasn’t sure if it was better or worse that the Doctor didn’t flinch as she pulled bits of coat out of the burnt remnants of skin. She remained deeply unconscious.

By the time Yaz had finished, Ryan had made the bed and Graham had arrived back. Between them they carefully manoeuvred her onto the bed.

Graham had swept Yaz’s dressing table clear and upended the bags full of supplies.

“I think the only thing we can do is brace her leg, try and put her shoulder back in and warm her up. We just have to hope that her ability to heal is more powerful than ours.”

Yaz took a clean sheet that Ryan had left out and gently covered the Doctor. In response to the other twos glances she responded “I know we’ve all seen it now and now isn’t the time for modesty but you know how private she is. I don’t think she would want to be exposed for any longer than necessary. Now I’m going to put her shoulder in, I dislocated mine three times as a kid, I think I know how its done. Can you hold her just in case she regains consciousness?”

Ryan looked nauseated as he realised it meant holding onto the twisted, burnt flesh of her shoulder but Graham stepped forward, placing his forearm across her stomach and a hand on her shoulder. Yaz took a firm hold of her right arm and gritting her teeth, manipulated the arm until she heard it grate back into place. Holding the Doctors hand and elbow, she experimentally moved it around a little and was relieved that it didn’t pop out again and felt normal. She tucked a cushion under the shoulder for support and gently laid her hand across her stomach in a neutral position, taking care to avoid the burns.

Now for the leg. Yaz had no idea what to do about it. The Doctors foot was poking out to the side at an angle, like the shin had been snapped in two. Yaz knew the chances of it having broken cleanly were slim and there were probably bits of bone broken off. But there was nothing she could do about those. Taking a deep breath she did her best to realign the two pieces of bone, the sickening grinding sound they made turning her stomach a little.

Yaz continued to dress the Doctors wounds, carefully winding bandages and sticking plasters over smaller areas of broken or burnt skin.

They were all silent while Yaz carried out her task. Graham and Ryan passing her supplies. Shortly after 5am, Yaz knew she had done as much as she could. The Doctor was clean, her shoulder and leg reset and aligned, wounds covered and burns cleaned and dressed.

Yaz covered her in a clean sheet, the old one was now covered in blood, and placed a duvet over her gently.

“Now what?” asked Graham.

“I think… I think all we can do is wait.” Yaz replied.

“I’m supposed to be at work in a couple of hours…” Ryan said, trailing off.

“I can take you home so you can get some sleep first and then come back son”

“No, it’s fine” Yaz replied. “Go home and get some sleep. I have some time off, I can stay with her.”

“We can’t just leave you with her” Graham protested.

“Whats she going to do to me. Go, you both have work. I don’t. I’ve got her. I’ll call if I need anything.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. We’ll be fine.”

“We’ll be back later yeah… call us if you need anything”

“Course. I got this. Theres nothing more I can do, she’s going to heal or she isn’t.”

Ryan and Graham hugged Yaz tightly and let themselves out. Yaz was exhausted, wet from the shower and covered with the doctors blood. Leaving the door open so she could still see her friend she took the fastest shower she could and changed into sweats and hoodie, absolutely exhausted.

Yaz only had one bed in her flat but even if she had had another one, there was no way she was leaving the Doctor on her own. Not now. She dragged the comfy chair from the corner of her room, dumping the clothes that were already piling up on it onto the floor. She pulled it up beside the bed, wrapping a blanket round her shoulders. She gently stroked the Doctors poor, bald head and settled down, taking a gentle hold of the doctors not burnt hand.

Yaz dozed fitfully for a couple of hours. When she woke, sunlight was streaming through her window. She immediately sat up straight, eyes going straight to the Doctor. She hadn’t moved. Yaz, fearful of what she would find gently moved the duvet back and laid her head on the Doctor’s chest again, checking for heartbeats. There was definitely one, slow but steady. But Yaz couldn’t feel a second one.

She gently stroked the Doctor’s hair and face. “Come on doc, you gotta pull through this” she said softly. But the Doctor continued to lie there, unnaturally still.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, things at the moment are going from bad to worse for the Doctor and already the cracks are beginning to show with the fam. Stick with it though, things can't stay bad for ever can they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all your lovely comments and reviews, they definitely inspire me to write more. As always, any questions, comments, concerns (in the words of a teacher I once had) or suggestions are warmly appreciated.
> 
> Also slightly weirdly the 'f' key on my keyboard only seems to work sometimes at the moment so if you read a word that doesn't sound quite right try seeing if there is a missing f, especially in words like if and of! And if you tell me about them I'll even fix them!
> 
> Still looking for a Beta if anyone wants to give it a shot. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

For Yaz the day seemed both impossibly short and never ending. She spent all day with the Doctor apart from loo breaks and nipping down to the kitchen for something to eat occasionally. In between she talked to her, read to her, gently stroked her head or simply held her hand. Graham had texted to say that he and Ryan would be over later which was good. She wanted to change the bedding the Doctor was lying on and redress her wounds and would prefer help with that.

Shortly after they arrived, Graham busied himself in the kitchen making them all something to eat while Ryan and Yaz changed the sheets on her bed and redressed her wounds. Ryan was trying very hard not to look until Yaz pointed out that it was better they treated her as best as their lousy first aid skills allowed than do an even worse job because he was trying not to look. Besides she was covered with a sheet as much as she could be. It’s not like they weren’t making an effort to leave her with some dignity.

Yaz noticed with relief that the doctor wasn’t as cold as she had been the day before. She remembered the Doctor mentioning that she had a lower body temperature than humans after the incident with King James but she hadn’t mentioned what it should be. Yesterday she had been about 8 degrees but now she was up to 15. That had to be good?

They had just finished, Ryan having taken all the rubbish to the outside bins when Graham came up the stairs with the food. He put the simple pasta dish onto the table where they all made a half hearted attempt to eat a few bites. But it was too hard not to stare at their friend.

“What do you think happened to her? Did she have an accident or something? Ryan wondered out loud.

“No” said Yaz, her voice carefully neutral. “Look at the injuries round her wrists, ankles and neck. She’s been tortured. She’s been chained up, tortured and I think raped.”

“No surely not…”

“How can you possibly know?”

“I saw the bruises when I had her in the bath. I can’t be sure, but I think so. And she was naked when we found her.”

“How long do you think she was held?”

“Who knows. She has a time ship. Though there’s no sign of it. Could have been as long as she’s been gone, could be days, could be years for her. Only way to know is for her to wake up and tell us.”

“Did you notice how thin she is?”

“That’s something else” answered Yaz. “Her muscles seem to be almost completely wasted away. I don’t know how long she was held but it has definitely been a while because that kind of muscle wastage takes a long time to happen.”

“But she was really fit and healthy last time we saw her… always running”

“Ironically that makes muscle wastage worse. I know in extreme cases, people have never regained the strength to walk independently or use their arms and hands and stuff if their muscles have gone too far.”

“How do you know all this stuff?”

“Been researching all day. Trying to put together information. I think when she wakes up she’ll need it. I’m worried that the physical scars might be the least of her problems”.

“Yaz I think you might be right, if what you’re saying is true. I know she’s not human but she’s still got emotions and feelings.”

“What do you do with a freaked out alien” asked Ryan

Graham shot his grandson an annoyed look. “You look after her of course. She’s done so much for us and you know she would have laid down her life to save yours if it had come to it. She has saved our world too many times to count. The very least we can do is look after her now if she needs it.

“I’ll do it.” Yaz said, looking determined. “I have experience and I… I need to do it. I want you to help but she can stay here as long as she needs. I can take time off work if I have to.”

“Yaz are you sure, she’s not even awake yet. We have no idea what we might be dealing with. Or what she might be capable of. We need to be realistic…”

“I am being realistic. She has no ship that we’re aware of which means she’s stuck here. She’s badly damaged and has literally no one else to turn to.”

“Grandad I think it’s time we went home” Ryan said firmly, sensing an argument beginning to brew between them. “We’ll be back tomorrow yeah”

Yaz nodded not trusting herself to speak.

She waited for them to leave and then went to the wardrobe where there was a blow up mattress. She blew it up and settled down. She just couldn’t face another night curled up on a chair. Worried that she would sleep through something important she set an alarm to go off every half hour to check on her friend.

It was on her 2am checks that she knew something was wrong. The Doctor was crying. Tears leaking out from the eye that wasn’t burned. Yaz was up in an instant, relieved beyond belief that the doctor was showing any sign of life. What worried her more was that her temperature was still rising, now reaching 20 degrees. While a human would be dead at that temperature, the Doctor was even paler than she had been and clammy to the touch. She was definitely running a fever, how high it was Yaz didn’t know. She ran down to the freezer, lifting bags of frozen peas, chips and sweetcorn which she placed behind the Doctor’s neck and under each arm and sponging her forehead with a cold face cloth in an attempt to bring her temperature down.

At around 10am, just as Yaz thought she might be winning her battle against the fever, the screaming started. The Doctor didn’t seem to have regained consciousness but the screams were the worst thing Yaz had ever heard. Wherever the Doctor was, she was clearly in terrible agony. She had started to flail across the bed as if she was trying to escape the pain she was feeling.

By lunchtime, Yaz could take it no more and sent texts to Ryan and Graham.

**She’s still out but wont stop screaming. Need help.**

She was so thankful when half an hour later she heard her front door open and footsteps thundering up the stairs before Graham burst in.

The Doctor was still in the bed, now tangled in the sheets, alternating between anguished moans and terrible screams, her limbs flailing around the bed causing some of her wounds to reopen and bleed. Yaz was sitting next to her on the bed, tears running down her own face, talking softly to the Doctor, stroking her head and trying to cool her down with a wet cloth.

“Yaz! What’s happened?” he asked, taking in the scene in front of him.

“I was checking on her every half hour. At 2 this morning I noticed she was crying and that her temperature was up and she was sweating. I’ve been trying to cool her down and calm her but nothing works. Then the screaming and flailing started mid-morning.”

“Right. Yaz, you need to take a break. I’ll sit with her. Grace used to do it for me when I was going through chemo. Go downstairs, have something to eat and a sit down. Ryan will be here in a bit when he’s finished work.

Desperate for a break from the pain, Yaz left the room without a word, handing Graham the cloth on her way out. She managed to walk down the stairs normally rather than sprinting as fast as she could away from the place.

Yaz lay on the sofa, pressing a cushion over her ears, trying to drown out the anguished screaming. By the time the evening came around, Yaz wasn’t sure I she could take any more. Ryan had since arrived and had taken over from Graham who was now sitting next to her on the sofa. Nothing they were doing seemed to be working.

The screaming seemed to be reverberating around the whole house. Yaz had to admit, she was surprised anyone could keep up the sound for such a long time. It seemed to pierce right through her brain. Even when it quietened to whimpers she could still hear it. She barely even sounded hoarse up there.

Suddenly the screaming stopped and was replaced by a loud crash and a yell. Yaz leapt to her feet and raced up the stairs, Graham right behind her. They took in the scene in front of them. Ryan was on the floor, spurting blood from his nose and the Doctor was nowhere to be seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just finished a really hard chapter, I'm a bit ahead of you. But I can't think of a way to change it. Fallen down a rabbit hole and need to write it now.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for all the comments, they really inspire me to write. I have a much stronger idea of where this is going now as I'm about 10,000 words ahead at the moment. Thanks for reading and as always your questions, comments and suggestions are always welcome.

“What happened?” she cried

“I don’t know… she was screaming and then she opened her eyes. I went to reach out to her and she hit me…”

Graham grabbed one of the bandages and crouched down next to Ryan pressing it to his nose. Yaz softly walked round to the other side of the bed. The doctor was crouched on the floor, wedged between the wardrobe and the wall. Her eyes were glassy like she wasn’t seeing anything and her entire body was trembling, her chest heaving up and down.

Yaz turned to the boys. “Give us some space yeah… I’ll call you if I need you”.

“Are you sure? She’s stronger than she looks. Might hurt you” Ryan said.

Graham nodded in understanding and helped Ryan off the floor. Yaz heard them going down the stairs. She turned her attention back to the doctor.

“Doctor. It’s me, Yaz. I’m not going to hurt you. You’re safe. You’re in my flat. You’ve been badly hurt but I’ve been taking care of you.”

She didn’t reply and Yaz could practically feel the tension rolling off her in waves.

“Doctor I’m not going to touch you, not if you don’t want me to but I’m going to hand you this sheet. You can cover yourself if you want to.”

She slowly and deliberately lifted a sheet from the pile and held it out in front of her. The Doctor snatched it out of her hand, clutching it tightly to herself, almost snarling at Yaz.

Yaz sat down on the floor cross legged with her hands out in front of her in a non-threatening pose like she had been taught in her police training. She could see that the adrenaline that had got the doctor to the floor was wearing off and it no longer seemed like she had the strength to hold herself upright. It was only because she had wedged herself in such a tight corner that she wasn’t flat on the floor.

“Doctor, you look confused like you don’t know what’s going on. I know you don’t like to be out of the loop. I’m going to tell you what I know or think I know but just let me know if you want me to stop. Do you understand?”

The Doctor didn’t respond but her eyes didn’t move from Yaz.

“3 nights ago I was putting the rubbish outside. I thought I saw something and I went down the garden and I found you. I thought you were dead. Ryan and Graham were here too and we brought you inside. You were very badly hurt. I sent Graham for First Aid supplies and Ryan to make the bed and I put you in the shower. What I noticed first was the burns on your face and arm. They look similar to acid burns I saw on my police training. You have deep wounds on your ankles, wrists and around your neck and I suspect that you were chained up and your movement restricted which is why you’re struggling to stay upright. You have burns and wounds over most of your body which I have treated and your left arm was dislocated. I put it back and I also reset your right shin bone as best I could because it appeared to have been snapped in half. I noticed more intimate bruising and I think I know what was happening to you.”

The Doctor was crying silently and twisting the sheet tightly in her hands. Yaz noticed that there was blood dripping on the floor, coming from a deep cut that started on her right collar bone, over her breast and down to her belly button.

“Doctor you’re bleeding again. Can I help? Please?”

The Doctor didn’t move. Yaz stood slowly, narrating her actions.

“I’m going to help you stand and get to the chair.” Yaz wrapped her arm tightly around the Doctors waist and lifted her to her feet. She supported most of her friends weight and pivoted her onto the chair, concerned she wouldn’t be able to hold herself up properly if she was being relied on to sit on a bed. “I’m going to clean the wound with anti-septic cream first. It might sting a bit. Is that OK?”

Yaz waited or what seemed like an impossibly long time before the Doctor gave the barest twitch of her head which Yaz took for a yes. She unscrewed the cap and gently started at the bottom of the cut where the Doctor would be able to see what she was doing. The moment Yaz touched her she hissed in pain and her reflexes kicked in, kicking out at Yaz who stumbled backwards.

The Doctor looked at what she had done in horror, instantly recoiling in on herself, wrapping her arms around her head protectively.

“Doctor it’s OK. I’m not going to hurt you. I should have told you that it would be cold. I would like to cover the whole cut. Is that OK?”

Again, she seemed to wait an impossibly long time before the Doctor gave another twitch of her head, granting Yaz permission to continue.

This time Yaz managed to apply the cream to the whole cut and dress it. The Doctor cried silently the whole time, her body as rigid and tense as her weakened state would allow.

Yaz rummaged in her drawer and found one pair of flannel pyjamas and a soft, cotton nightie that her Nani had given her but she had never worn. She held both up in front of the Doctor.

“Doctor which pair of pyjamas would you like? I know you don’t really go for feminine clothing but the nightie will rub at your skin less and will be easier to put on but if you prefer the pyjamas then that’s fine too.”

Yaz held both options out in front of the Doctor who studied them far more intently than any other pyjamas had ever been studied before.

Finally she gave a twitch of her head towards the pyjamas. Yaz placed the pyjamas on the doctors lap and the nightie back in the drawer. The Doctor continued to stare at them, like she didn’t know what to do.

“Doctor I’m going to help you get dressed now.” She lifted the top first, carefully threading her badly burnt left arm through the sleeve first followed by the right and did the buttons for her. She then picked up one foot followed by the other and easing them through the feet holes and rocking her slightly from side to side in order to pull them up to sit round her waist.

“Doctor, I’m concerned about how thin you are and I know you haven’t had anything to drink since you’ve been here. I know your insides and needs aren’t the same as mine but I also know you need sustenance so I’m going to go downstairs and get you something to eat and drink.”

Yaz correctly interpreted the terrified look that appeared in the Doctor’s eyes. “I won’t let Ryan or Graham come upstairs, don’t worry”. She visibly swallowed and Yaz squeezed her hand gently and hurried down the stairs, only to be cornered by Ryan and Graham.

“I’m just making her a drink. I’ll be back down in a little bit. I’ll catch you up then. But I promised her I wouldn’t let you upstairs. I’m sorry.”

She hurried past them into the kitchen, flicking on the kettle and rummaging in her cupboard for a travel mug with a straw. The Doctor’s face was so badly damaged that she wasn’t sure how or even if she would be able to co-ordinate eating and drinking. Yaz made a mental note to remove all the mirrors from the house before she accidentally saw the damage.

Finding what she was looking for she made a decent cup of tea with enough sugar to send anyone else bouncing off the walls, just the way the Doctor liked it and grabbed the packet of custard creams. Although they had shared many meals together Yaz had noticed that often the Doctor just moved food around the plate rather than eating it. She ate mud and had also been eaten things that she said were not safe for humans when they were out on their travels. She never judged them for their eating habits so they tried not to judge hers. Except Ryan when he was giving pizza belches. The only thing Yaz had seen her truly enjoy that she had was the custard creams.

Standing at the bottom of the stairs she called up softly to announce what she was doing and then went up, speaking gently the whole time. The Doctor hadn’t moved while she as downstairs. She held them out to show her.

“I got your favourites” she smiled, holding them out. Yaz passed her friend the mug but despite the lid her hands were shaking so much Yaz was terrified that she would spill the boiling liquid down herself which was the last thing she needed. She gently held her friends hands, guiding and steadying them so she could drink. The Doctor seemed to have to clamp the straw between her lips on the far right of her mouth to hold it secure and even then tea was dribbling back out of the ravaged left side.

More tears. This time Yaz suspected of frustration and embarrassment, more than anything else.

“Hey, its OK. Its not a big deal” she soothed, using a cloth to gently dab at her mouth. “I’m going to break the biscuits up for you so they’re easier to manage” she explained breaking the biscuit into about eight miniscule pieces. The Doctor at least managed to stuff biscuits into her mouth without help. In fact, after the eighth one Yaz had to take the packet away from her, worried she was overdoing it and her system might now be so unused to food would be unable to cope with it and she would make herself sick.

While the Doctor watched, Yaz stripped the bed, remaking it with fresh sheets and smoothing out all the wrinkles. The previous one was soaked with sweat, patches of blood and even torn in one spot. Yaz wasn’t even sure if it was worth saving. She knew Graham was dealing with the others downstairs and seemed to be having a tough time. He had sworn he had a fail proof method of getting blood out of sheets as he had had regular nose bleeds during chemo but it didn’t seem to be working on the Doctor’s. Hers seemed to be thicker, almost like honey and although it was red like their own it definitely had an orange tinge. Like her temperature, this was something else they had no idea if it was just how she was or if it was a sign of something more concerning. All Yaz could hope was that she might be more able to speak to them in the morning.

She gently brushed the biscuit crumbs off of the Doctor’s pyjamas who recoiled from her touch and wondering how best to get her back into bed. Yaz was strong and the doctor probably as light as she would ever be but the woman clearly didn’t want to be touched and now the adrenaline – or whatever her equivalent was - that had allowed her to punch Ryan across the room and throw herself out of bed had worn off the only was going to be manhandling her.

Yaz once again crouched in front of the chair so she was directly in the Doctor’s line of vision. “I know you don’t sleep like we do but sleep helps you heal and your brain process stuff so lets get you back into bed. I won’t lift you if you don’t want me to but I’m worried that if you try on your own and fall that you’ll hurt yourself even more.”

The Doctor continued looking past her and didn’t move. Finally she put her hands on the arms of her chair, hissing in pain and levered herself into a semi-standing position, most of her weight on her unbroken leg. Yaz hovered beside her, concern lacing her features. With a determined look on her face she stepped forward. The effect was instant. There was a soft snap where her only partially healed leg broke again and she fell forward, twisting awkwardly and screaming in pain.

Yaz managed to catch her before she hit the ground and was aware that Ryan and Graham had come running back up the stairs at the sound of the unexpected disturbance.

The doctor continued to scream and began to fight Yaz, clearly not wanting to be held so tightly and, Yaz thought, attempting to get away from Ryan and Graham who were hovering uncertainly in the doorway.

“Help me” she shouted at them, barely managing to hold on.

The two of them sprang forward and helped wrestle the woman onto the bed before she could do any more damage. As soon as the Doctor hit the mattress and the fam let go she stopped fighting and curled into a tight protective ball.

“Oh Doc, what’ve they done to you” Graham muttered as he and Ryan retreated back to let Yaz calm her down.

Yaz was close to her but not touching, speaking softly and soothingly though Graham couldn’t hear what she was saying.

It took nearly 40 minutes but eventually Yaz persuaded the Doctor to settle into a more comfortable position on the bed. She carefully propped up her mangled shin on a cushion and adding an extra soft pillow under her burnt arm. She gently flicked the duvet over her body being careful not to jostle her.

“Are you sure there’s nothing I can do about that leg? I know it hurts now but ignoring it is only going to make it worse.”

The Doctor almost physically recoiled from the suggestion. Yaz took a deep breath, not wanting to say the thoughts in her head out loud.

“OK, we can talk about it in the morning.”

The look on the Doctor’s face said that they most certainly would not.

“We’re going to go downstairs. I’m turning the light down but not off and I won’t close the door. Graham and Ryan won’t come back up stairs again tonight. I will be up in about an hour and I’ll sleep on the blow up mattress on the floor again”.

Yaz half closed the door that Ryan and Graham had just gone through, the Doctor tracking her every movement.

“Try and rest” she whispered.

Back downstairs, Yaz sank down onto the sofa between Graham and Ryan, beyond exhausted. She had been on the go mostly without respite for almost 22 hours.

“Yaz, you can’t do this all on your own love” Ryan said, concerned about how drained she looked after just a few days.

“I know. But she’s so scared. I don’t think she knows where she is. She’s terrified of me and way beyond that of you.”

“And what do we do about her leg? In that state it will never heal. It’ll get infected and if she still won’t let us do anything it’ll kill her” Graham protested.

“You… you don’t think that’s her intention is it…” asked Ryan.

“No” said Graham slowly. “If that’s what she wanted she would do it”.

“I agree” replied Yaz. “I think if that’s what she wanted she would do it. And I don’t think she’s in enough of her own mind to plan something like that.”

“Why don’t you sleep Yaz. Ryan and I will be on call for her tonight. We’ll see to her if she needs anything won’t we son?”

“Yeah. Course we will.”

“How can you when she won’t let you near her? But it would be great if you could stay.”

Yaz dragged herself off the sofa and got some blankets from her hot press and dumped them on the sofa.

“We can talk about this more in the morning. I just need to sleep.” she replied, heading back towards the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, the Doctor is awake but she's far from out of the woods.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who is sticking with this. Things are pretty bad at the moment but they won't stay like that forever. Bad times must always pass... right?

Back upstairs, Yaz put the mattress back on the floor from where she had stashed it the previous night. The Doctor appeared to be asleep but it was restless. Yaz could hear her whimpering and moving around the bed.

The noises felt like they were stabbing Yaz every time. She tried gently soothing words and reassurances, stroking her head and arm, maintaining her distance but nothing was working. It felt like it had been going on for hours. Trying a different tactic, Yaz sat down beside her on the bed, gathering the Doctor gently in her arms.

“Listen Doctor, I know you’re not big on the whole being touched thing, especially right now, but I’m going to hug you. If you don’t like it or want me to stop let me know and I will.”

The Doctor fought for a moment but then the whimpering stopped and she seemed to relax slightly more in her sleep. Careful so as not to wake her, Yaz gently eased her back down onto the bed, keeping her wrapped firmly in her arms. She knew deep pressure could be calming for someone was overloaded.

Yaz used the heel of her hand to apply deep pressure while rubbing circles into the doctors unburnt arm, the other wrapped securely around her waist. A few minutes later, Yaz heard a very faint knock on the door frame and Graham stuck his head around the door cautiously. He looked startled to see Yaz and the Doctor in such an intimate position.

“She’s been crying for hours. My cousin’s autistic, when he overloads this helps. I know she’s not autistic but she is definitely overloaded. Thought it might help a little.”

“Uhhh right. Well. I uhhh just came up to check you were both OK. Ryan’s asleep but I needed the bathroom. Old man thing. You’ll call if you need us?”

Yaz smiled, nodding at him and shifting slightly to distribute the pressure she was providing more evenly. She noted that even though the crying had stopped, the tension was still there even in sleep.

Yaz didn’t manage to get much rest. Every time she dozed off she knew the pressure she was providing was easing off and then the Doctor would unintentionally rouse her when the crying and fidgeting started again. It was a long night.

By 7am, Yaz gave it up as a bad job and hurried downstairs to flick the kettle on for a coffee. Satisfied that it wouldn’t take long, she went back up stairs to check on the Doctor. She was exactly as she had left her, her top half twisted to one side, burns up, but her badly damaged leg was unmoved. She looked so small and fragile lying there. Yaz took the duvet and wrapped it firmly around her hoping that it would take her place while she showered.

This time Yaz closed the door. Not knowing but able to guess what the Doctor had been through she didn’t want to do anything that could possibly be misconstrued.

She managed to be in and out of the shower, dried and dressed within 10 minutes. She dressed casually in leggings, and an old hoodie that had belonged to a boyfriend once. It was so big it fell past her knees. Yaz had always liked this hoodie for the safe and comforting feeling it gave her. The boy, Todd, had been sweet and kind. A perfect first boyfriend. But they had only been 15 and things had ended as well as they ever could. But Yaz never could give up the feeling of that hoodie. And right now she needed the comfort. Before leaving the bathroom she vigorously towel dried her hair and bound it tightly in a plait held securely against her head like she did for work. She had a feeling that the day could be messy.

Walking back into the bedroom Yaz was surprised to see that the Doctor had moved. No longer asleep wrapped tightly in the duvet she was semi-sitting up, hunched over herself.

“Hey, look who’s awake” Yaz said softly, smiling warmly at her friend. She noted that her face was pale and clammy again and she instantly worried that her leg was already infected.

“I was just going to make myself a coffee. Can I get you something?”

Again with the waiting but then a nod. An actual nod, not a twitch. It felt like a victory.

“Good. I’ll bring you up something nice.” She said with a grin, almost bounding down the stairs until she remembered it was still early and Graham and Ryan were probably still out of it on the sofa. She was surprised to see they were both awake though barely.

“How’s she doing” Graham asked while Ryan wrestled out of the tangle of blankets.

“She's awake. I offered her something to eat. She nodded properly but didn’t make any requests. She's paler than yesterday. Huge bags under her eyes. Clammy. I’m worried about an infection and as soon as I persuade her to eat something that’ll be next on my list to deal with. Thought I would ask her if she would like to see you two if that’s ok?”

“Of course it’s ok. We want to see her. I don’t want her to be scared of us.”

“Why do you keep asking. She's clearly not in her right mind and she's listening to what you say.” Ryan asked.

“She doesn’t look like she's had any choice in a long time. Giving her choices is the only way to get her to trust me. I won’t force her into anything. Push yes, force no.”

“What does she even eat for breakfast?” asked Graham changing the subject.

“Yeah I don’t think I’ve ever seen her eat it before, she's always up first, that’s if she's even been to bed at all.”

“You two are way over thinking this. I’m going to put a couple of options on the plate and let her have what she wants.”

Bustling into the kitchen Yaz made herself that coffee and a tea for the Doctor in the cup she had the night before. She poured some milk into a jug and put 2 different bowls of cereal out, some plain toast with toppings and a yoghurt figuring whatever the doctor didn’t want the rest of them could manage. She arranged it as best she could and brought it up the stairs, announcing her presence before letting herself in.

The Doctor was where she had left her, a pillow clamped tightly to her chest. Yaz helped her lever herself into more of a sitting position. She could count every rib beneath her fingers and see the delicate bones of her spine jutting out sharply beneath her pyjamas.

Satisfied that she was sufficiently well propped up that she wasn’t about to fall over in her weakened state Yaz moved to where she could be seen through the Doctors good eye. She hadn’t opened the one that was under the burns and Yaz had a horrible feeling that she didn’t want to see the mess that was likely under there.

“Doctor, Ryan and Graham are downstairs. Would it be OK if they came and had breakfast?”

The doctor looked at her, meeting her gaze, a look of utter panic on her face.

“The choice is yours. I absolutely won’t force you if you don’t want to. I thought they could sit over there and I could sit right next to you if you wanted me to. I’ll even hold your hand. I think we might need their help with all the breakfast I brought.” She added lightly.

Yaz could practically see the Doctor’s mind turning over what she was asking. But eventually, slowly, very slowly she took Yaz’s hand in a death like grip and nodded.

Yaz called down the stairs gently and Ryan and Graham appeared almost instantly, they had clearly been waiting. She could feel the Doctor retreat further back into the bed, flicking at a button on the pyjamas and studiously looking anywhere other than the two men. Yaz put the tray in front of her offering her first pick. She dithered hopelessly with the choices.

“How about the cornflakes?” Yaz prompted gently.

The Doctor didn’t look up but managed to nod. Yaz poured a moderate amount of milk and selected a tea spoon, hoping that a combination of mushy cereal and small spoon would help her manage with her damaged mouth.

Her hand trembled but Yaz was pleased to see that she was able to co-ordinate it enough to get it into her mouth, only spilling a little milk. She didn’t manage the weight of the cup with her one hand though and Yaz had to hold it for her, smiling reassuringly.

After the Doctor had had several mouthfuls without incident Yaz felt relaxed enough to help herself to eat some toast. She reached over the tray and helped herself to the brown toast and a spoonful of jam. She turned to speak to Ryan and Graham, ask them something banal about the weather to try and ease the tension when it happened.

The Doctor began to choke on her cereal. Too much too soon, down the wrong way or just the food wouldn’t agreed with her anyway but all of a sudden she was gagging and gasping for breath. Yaz threw the toast down and was instantly on her knees, pushing the Doctor forward thumping her on the back. Graham had jumped to his feet but hadn’t progressed further. Ryan was frozen in shock in his seat.

“Come on Doctor, you’re gonna be okay. I’ve got you, just relax, you’re gonna be okay.”

The Doctor turned her head looking at her pleadingly, then vomited a putrid mixture of milk, cereal and bile all over herself, Yaz and the bed. She looked shocked.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry” she whispered. Her voice was rusty and uncertain, like it hadn’t been used in a long while.

Yaz promptly gathered her in her arms, her shoulders sagging with relief. “It’s okay. It doesn’t matter. You’re okay” she soothed, holding the woman close, rocking her gently. She was aware of Ryan and Graham silently picking up the discarded food and crockery while her knees were surrounded by the disgusting mixture.

“Doctor, we’re going to have to get you into the shower. Is that okay? I’ll help you. Graham and Ryan will clean up in here and you’ll be more comfortable.”

Back to nodding. But at least it was a response. Yaz helped her shuffle to the edge of the bed and scooped her up, carrying her into the bathroom and setting her gently on the stool in the bath she had put there a few days ago. She was so light and fragile.

She stood behind her, allowing the Doctor to lean against her and helped her out of the stinking pyjamas and chucking them on the floor. She covered the burns and removed the bandages that were covering her body. It appeared her race did heal fast, the minor cuts and bruises were gone. The slash across her chest had faded and the minor burns were healing over. The large burns across her face and arm were fading slightly but Yaz was pretty sure it would leave a nasty scar. Even her leg appeared to be knitting back together but it wasn’t straight and it was an angry red colour.

“I know you told me you can’t have pain relief Doctor but what anti-biotics if we can get some? Your leg really doesn’t look good.”

The Doctor looked down, waivering slightly. “Won’t work for me” she slurred. “By the time you gave me enough to do anything you would wipe out my system altogether. Don’t give me any human medication whatever you do.”

“Doctor… is that a title or have you ever had a medical degree? Because we’re really worried about that leg and we don’t know what to do. I only have first aid training. Nothing more and this is way past first aid.”

“I do have… a medical degree… I think… long time ago… won’t help right now… Give me… more time… don’t… don’t” her breathless speech was cut short by a coughing fit. Yaz held her close until her breathing eased again.

“I’m sorry Yaz… you… might… you… might have to… take it…”

It took Yaz a moment to process what she was saying.

“Doctor. NO. NO WAY. No. It is not going to come to that. I can’t do that. There has to be someone we can call here on earth in the present day who can help. I know you can’t see any old earth Doctor but there has to be someone.”

“Yaz I don’t have… anyone… else in your time who… can help. I had… my hand cut off once… it wasn’t that bad… course I was… still regener…ating. It… grew back… pretty fast. Won’t… happen this… time. Don’t know… why I’m not…regenerating.”

“Doctor, we aren’t going there. We’re gonna keep it as clean as possible. You’re going to be fine”

“Okay Yaz” the Doctor agreed, too passably. Her voice was becoming more and more breathless with every word.

As Yaz finished helping her in the shower, she was aware of how much effort the simple action seemed to have taken out of the Doctor. Especially seeing as she hadn’t done anything other than sit there passively, supported by Yaz. She was somehow even weaker than she had been before, struggling to hold her own head up as Yaz manoeuvred her into clean, dry pyjamas, let alone help.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An old face makes a return, will she be able to help?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for everyone who is sticking with me on this. A lot of the details are based on a true life event that happened to someone I know, writing like this helps me process what happened to them. So thank-you for joining me on the journey.

By the following evening, the Doctor had thrown up everything she had eaten and seemed to be delirious at least part of the time. Although the other parts of her body were healing her leg was looking worse and worse. Even the horrific burn injury down her face was healing though also leaving scars in its wake. She alternated from deathly silent to talking rapidly in a strange, hauntingly beautiful language which the fam suspected was her native tongue.

Yaz was looking more exhausted too, after their breakfast the previous day the Doctor hadn’t been able to cope with either of the men in the room. Barely tolerated them in the house. Which left Yaz.

“The Doc always insinuated that she’s been to earth loads of times. There must be someone here in our own time period who knows her who might be able to help us” mused Ryan out loud for about the twentieth time that evening. They were sitting around Yaz’s table at the foot of the stairs so they could hear the Doctor when she inevitably cried out again and Yaz would once again have to go and settle her.

“How can we have spent so much time with her and yet know so little about her? I mean I know she's an alien and all, but we don’t even know what her species is? Or race? What even is the term? What planet she comes from…?

“Yaz, isn’t there any way you can search this stuff through the police?”

Yaz glanced up, an almost scornful look on her face. “Do you really think that the police have a secret alien database? And if they did that they would let a probationer look at it on a whim?”

“No. Course not.” Graham muttered, feeling foolish.

“But” she trailed off slowly… “I’m wondering if I could get access to who might know…”

“What like one step up the ladder?”

“Exactly.” Yaz stood up abruptly. “Now would be the perfect time, it’s late enough to be quiet but not so late to arouse suspicion. Probably won’t take too long. Hopefully anyway.”

“Yaz that’s great and you should definitely try but shouldn’t you tell the Doc first. You know how upset she gets when she wakes up. Or when she sleeps. And she won’t let Ryan and I anywhere near her…”

“Hopefully she’ll sleep through it and won’t know anything about it. If she does, me having woken her to tell her won’t help. Neither of you can go so it has to be me. You’ll all be OK, I’ll be as fast as I can.” she promised, kissing them both on the cheek and grabbing her work jacket.

Yaz drove to the police station as fast as she could. Letting herself in, she hurried over to the small computer in the corner that no one ever used unless they had to. It was too far away from anyone to have a proper chat while you were working and half the time it only half worked. Made it a full pain in the backside.

She slung her jacket over the back of the dodgy chair that always felt like it was about to tip you off. She glanced around the squad room, it was quiet like always at this time of day and started to type.

4 hours later, on the tail end of a paper trail and feeling pleased with herself she was startled from her concentration by the ringing of her phone.

Answering, she could barely hear Graham over the noise in the background. “Yaz, no matter what you’ve got you need to come back. We think she’s hallucinating again. Not sure what she’s saying, it’s not English but think she thinks we’re trying to attack her.”

“I’m coming, I’m leaving right now” Yaz answered, already slinging her jacket over her shoulder and digging her car keys out of her pocket while she fidgeted impatiently over the ancient printer to spit out everything she had found.

20 minutes later, Yaz was frightened by the pleading tones she could hear as she came through the front door. She dropped the paperwork on the table and ran up the stairs, dropping her jacked somewhere along the way. Ryan was outside the bedroom, positioned carefully just out of sight of the Doctor but so Graham could see him. She knew why. The Doctor had lashed out more than once and although she was incredibly weak, they were all concerned about how strong she could potentially be in such a panic. Graham himself was inside the room, a respectful distance away from where the Doctor was in bed, speaking in soft, soothing tones and trying to bring her round. The Doctor herself was on the bed, tears rolling down her cheek from her undamaged eye, a pillow clamped tightly against her chest as if for protection. Yaz couldn’t understand what she was saying but there was no mistaking her pleading, begging tone.

Silently confirming with Yaz, Graham backed out of the room slowly, tears on his own cheeks. Ryan wrapped an arm round him and took him downstairs. There was no need for words. How did the strong, vibrant, energetic woman they had known go to the absolute wrecked shell upstairs? And more terrifyingly, who had the power to destroy someone so powerful? It was heart-breaking to watch her disintegrate further and further. Almost like the more love and care they were able to give, the less she was able to take. And yet if they took any of the support away and tried to give her space it always seemed to end in scenes like the one currently happening upstairs.

Ryan went into the kitchen to make yet more tea and Graham allowed himself to collapse gratefully onto a chair, helping himself to a tissue from the box in the middle. They were on their third cup by the time Yaz appeared.

“Is it wrong of me to wish we could drug her?” she asked in a hushed tone, like it was a scandalised thing to even think.

Ryan took hold of her hand. “No. If she was human we would take her to a hospital. And they would definitely drug her. It would be a kindness. She's in so much pain.”

Yaz nodded wearily, gratefully accepting a steaming mug from Graham.

“So” Graham ventured. “You were gone an awfully long time. Did you just take a break or was there anything to discover?”

Yaz smiled. An actual grin. “I think I may have struck gold. The Doc would be proud of me if I could tell her.”

Ryan and Graham sat up straighter in anticipation.

“There used to be an organisation called UNIT, the Unified Intelligence Taskforce. Officially part of the UN and British military its job was to investigate alien threats to earth. Top Secret. Now disbanded but I was able to look at some of their records. There was a woman who worked there. Before she worked there she was a Doctor, the normal kind. One night she upped half way through her training, disappeared and wasn’t seen for months. Then she comes back with no explanation and is hired by UNIT. A job that she doesn’t seem to have applied for but seems to have been specially selected for based on a single, sealed reference.”

“How can you even access all this Yaz? Sounds too crazy. Like shouldn’t it be part of the Official Secrets Act or something?”

“That’s the thing that tipped me off to be honest. This wasn’t that hard to find. I was able to gain access by breaking some minor technicalities. The Doc isn’t stupid. She knows what she does is dangerous. What if she left those things there to be found in case it ever needed to be found. No one would find it if they weren’t looking but once you start looking there was a trail.”

“Who is this woman? Where is she now? Can we get in touch? Is she even still alive? I mean the Doc gets around a bit, could have been 1000 years ago knowing her.”

“Graham slow down. Her name is Dr. Martha Jones. She now lives in Scotland. She is still a Doctor, this was about a decade ago. We have to call her. She must be able to help. And if she can’t she might know someone who can.”

“I’m on it” said Ryan, pulling out his laptop from the case on the sideboard and bringing up Google and Facebook simultaneously while Yaz and Graham watched anxiously.

“Got her. She’s not Jones any more. Smith now. There’s a phone number for her practice. I’m gonna try it.”

“It’s past midnight.”

“So? We need to speak to her as soon as possible. No one is saying it out loud but the Doc is literally dying up there. You can see it as soon as you look at her. She needs help. If we have to we will drive to the outskirts of Aberdeen or wherever it is that she is right now I that’s what it takes.”

Graham picked up his phone. “I’ll do it.” He dialled the number and was surprised when a weary voice answered.

At her desk, Martha bristled. Once again her receptionist had forgotten to switch the phones over to the answering machine at the end of the day. She tried to ignore but the ring was persistent. And some of her elderly patients got confused and might not seek urgent help if she didn’t answer.

“Dr Jones speaking. I can’t treat patients out of hours. If it is an emergency please call 999. If not, please phone back after 8am when a receptionist can help you make an appointment.”

It sounded like she had made the speech a hundred times before.

“Dr Jones, I’m not a patient but I think you can help me.”

Martha sat up a little straighter at her desk where she was surrounded by paperwork.

“What is so urgent that you need to phone me in the middle of the night?”

“I think you know a friend of mine. I think she looked different then but that the two of you travelled together. If I’m right you know exactly who I’m talking about. If not, I’m sorry to have bothered you.”

“She? I’m sorry, but I think you have the wrong person. The only person I ever travelled with was a Doctor, a he.”

“First name ‘the’?” he asked in a slightly mocking tone. He was sure she knew exactly who he was talking about.

“How did you find me?”

“That’s not important. We can talk about that later. We, my grandson and friend and I have been travelling with the Doc, about a year. It’s hard to keep track”

Martha found herself nodding down the phone. It was a sentiment she remembered well.

Graham found himself splurging. He was vaguely aware of the Doctor crying out from upstairs and Yaz going up to see to her. “7 months ago she dropped us off, said she would be back in a few days. Only she wasn’t. We found her dumped in Yaz’s garden a few days ago. She's hurt. It’s bad. We think she’s dying but she said she can’t regenerate. It’s her leg, it’s infected, badly. And she said we can’t give her Human antibiotics. We don’t know what to do. We…

“Graham stop. You’re rambling. I can come now and be with you by morning. I’ll bring some things with me and if there’s anything I can do I will do it. I have looked after him, sorry her, that’s weird, before. There are some human things we can do. But before I drive 400 miles, can’t you access the infirmary on the TARDIS? It should be able to give you what you need and won’t have any drugs she can’t have on it. Or it could fly you to a hospital that could take care of her. She has emergency procedures in place for that. No pilot necessary.”

“Don’t know where the TARDIS is. Don’t know how the Doc got here. Don’t know what happened to her though we can guess. Can’t even ask. She’s drifting in and out of consciousness. She’s hallucinating. When she hallucinates it’s in a language we don’t understand. We think its her native language. When she has a moment of what looks like lucidity she’s too frightened to speak. Please Dr Jones, you have to help us. We can’t just let her die.”

“Graham, I’ll be with you in about 7-8 hours. I’ll bring supplies. Until then try and keep her temperature down, her normal body temperature is about 15 degrees. Keep her as calm as possible. I’ll be with you as soon as I can. I have your address, I was travelling with her for a while, upgraded my phone to superphone.”

Martha hung up abruptly and started scrambling around the surgery, taking instruments and the few things she knew the Doctor could have that she kept in stock. She put in a call to a friend for a couple of days emergency cover feigning a problem with her mum and almost ran to her car, her previous exhaustion forgotten.

Meanwhile back in Sheffield, Ryan and Graham finally felt a spark of hope. The mysterious Martha clearly knew the Doctor. Surely she would be able to help.

She had to.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I promise things are going to get better soon, very soon, just not yet!

Martha was true to her word. She was knocking on the door of Yaz’s house just before 7. Graham let her in, Ryan was just coming out of the shower and Yaz was upstairs, trying to bring down the Doctor’s fever which was currently hovering at just over 20. If she was a human with a temperature 33% higher than it should have been she would be dead. It was a pointless thought, most of the injuries were enough to kill a human. It was a miracle she had lasted a week like she had.

When Martha was hustled through the door by Graham she was all business. She tossed Ryan her keys and sent him out to the car for the boxes on the back seat that she had packed hastily and went straight upstairs with just one small bag, already pulling off her leather jacket.

Graham could hear her low cry of shock as she saw the state of their friend. He didn’t blame her, it was a shocking sight for him every time and he had had a week of watching her sleep to get used to it. He went outside to give Ryan a hand, he wasn’t sure what he was expecting. If there was more or less than what he thought there would be.

It seemed like the two women were upstairs for an age. When they came down, Yaz looked sick. Dr Jones had the cool look of professionalism that Graham remembered from when he received his cancer diagnosis from his oncologist.

“Maybe we should sit” she said calmly, gesturing towards the sofa. Graham swallowed nervously.

“I’m a GP. This is so far beyond my expertise. I shouldn’t even be here. If anyone found out… How much do you know about the Doctor?” She might have looked professional but Graham could hear the panic in her voice.

“Not much” admitted Ryan. “We know she's an alien from a planet called Gallifrey. She’s the last of her species but one. We know she used to be a man. Her TARDIS isn’t here and we have no idea where it might be. She’s been badly hurt but we don’t know how. We know we can’t take her to a regular hospital because we’re terrified she’ll be dissected...” he stopped. It wasn't that much considering how long they had been travelling together and how much she knew about them.

“You’re right, we can’t take her to a hospital. I know a little more and I do know there is no one else here at this time. When we met I was still a medical student. I was fascinated by him. But we had lots of conversations about how someone who looked exactly like a human on the outside could be so different on the inside. His… her skeletal and muscular structures are the same as ours but her organ systems are very different.”

“Can you do anything?”

“I don’t know” Martha chewed her lip thoughtfully. “If she was human and taken to hospital they would amputate her leg without a second thought. At this point she would have a low chance of survival. Maybe 10%. But it’s not that simple. The structures are the same but I don’t know if we can anesthetise her. Your home isn’t sterile and I am not an orthopaedic surgeon. But then again she's not human so how much does any of that matter… I think we need to know what she would want. How old is your Doctor, do you know?”

“She once said she had lost count but somewhere over 4,000”

“Your Doctor is a lot older than mine was. When we travelled he was about 1,100. I can potentially try something but you know her now. You need to decide if she would want that. Because at the end of the day we are talking about major surgery in an unclean environment with no back up if things go wrong. If you think that’s what she would want, then I… I am willing to try.”

The fam was silent. Yaz was sobbing, Grahams eyes were glistening and Ryan looked like he had been hit over the head by a mallet. It was a while before any of them spoke.

“Will she be able to feel it? You said you can’t anesthetise her.”

“I don’t know. If she were human and so deeply unconscious then I would be able to say no. But we would still put her under. But she’s not so I don’t know. She’s totally unresponsive to any external stimuli so I don’t think so. Not during it anyway. She will be if and when she wakes up while her body heals because she can’t have any human narcotics or pain relief.”

“Do you think she can survive? Do you know why she hasn’t just regenerated?”

“I don’t know the answer to either question. I’m sorry. It's been such a long time. And also, she might not look it but she is older. Age plays a big factor for humans. For all we know she's all out of regenerations.”

“You say your Doctor, like they’re a different person. I thought it was the same Doc, just with a different face? What do you think? You knew her too.”

“I never saw the Doctor regenerate but what I understand is that the Doctor still has the same memories but its like they’re not his own. Like they’re someone else’s. And he has a different personality. But then other parts of his personality seem to be fixed. I don’t really understand.”

“There’s no one more alive than the Doc” reasoned Yaz.

“She’s never still for a second. So much energy, never shuts up. Unfailingly kind. Never tired of finding new things and meeting new people. She loves life. But we are talking about permanently disabling her. Legs don’t grow back.”

“She will be able to see a prosthetist on earth if the TARDIS turned up, they wouldn’t need internal scans of organ structures. Just skeletal and muscular.”

“But she’s been through so much and she’s in so much pain. Is it kinder to just… let her go?”"

I’m glad you said that. Because for me that makes up my mind. The Doctor does everything she can to save everyone. She makes all the hard decisions because she knows that life is worth saving. I think someone needs to offer her the same opportunity she gives everyone else” argued Graham.

“I agree. I don’t think she would lay down without a fight” said Yaz.

“Me too” said Ryan, though he didn’t sound entirely convinced.

They turned to look at Martha. She looked nervous but neither approving nor disapproving of their decision.

“If we have a decision, we need to do it now. Every minute we wait she’s closer to death which makes her less and less likely to survive. But I can’t do it on my own. I’m going to need help.”

“We can’t do that. The best we’ve got is Yaz’s first aid certificate.”

“I can’t do it on my own. One of you will need to be on hand to help me control the bleeding. She won’t bleed as much as a human because her blood has a different composition than ours. And… I don’t think it’s likely and it wouldn’t happen to a human but if her body was to be aware that she was under attack and fight back, the other two of you would need to hold her down…”

She broke off at the looks of disgust and revulsion on their faces.

“I don’t think it’ll happen but we would be foolish not to consider the possibility.”

In a shaky voice Yaz answered “I’ll help you. Just tell me what to do. Ryan and Graham, you can be on stand by.”

None of them looked sure but they all gave a reluctant nod and got up, heading for the stairs.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It will get better soon!

Yaz knew that she would never forget the next few days as long as she lived. Actively taking part in maiming her friend. Leaving her with a permanent disability without her consent. Having to make that decision for someone else. She had managed to hold up while helping Martha but now, two days later she hadn’t managed to make it back up the stairs. Couldn’t bear to see what she had done. Dr Jones, Martha, had been caring for her with the help of Ryan and Graham who had proved much stronger than she was.

Yaz shifted slightly on the cold, uncomfortable garden chair, wrapping the blanket around her shoulders more tightly. Ryan and Graham had gone home for a proper nights sleep, promising to be back in the morning.

Martha was upstairs. She had been tending to the Doctor for two days straight, keeping the Doctor’s temperature down, making sure her leg was healing. At least Yaz assumed she was, she hadn’t been able to bring herself to ask.

Yaz startled when a large mug of tea was placed on the table in front of her and Martha sat down next to her.

“Yaz, I’ve had a call. I’m a full time carer for my mum as well as a full time doctor. She’s had a fall and I need to go home. I’m sorry. But I need to know you can pick up where I’m leaving off. Graham and Ryan are fine and great back up but you said yourself she's scared of them. And they won’t do anything intimate, and she’s going to need plenty of that.”

Martha was frustrated at Yaz’s lack of response, wondering what she could do if she didn’t think Yaz could step up. She had to go home and the Doctor wasn’t in a state to travel that far. And she had moved on a long time ago, more than a decade. She wasn’t prepared to open that wound again.

Martha grabbed the arm of Yaz’s chair and tugged hard, causing it to scrape gratingly against the concrete floor, forcing the woman to look at her.

“Yaz, I need to know you can take care of her. Because if you can’t I’m going to have to try and being her to Scotland with me and honestly Yaz, I don’t think she would survive it but I can’t leave her here if I don’t know someone is at least going to try.”

Yaz felt something snap inside. She had to do this. She had to at least try. She finally met Martha’s gaze.

“I can do it. What do you need me to do?”

Yaz was impressed that her voice sounded as steady as it did because she didn’t feel it. When the Doctor had arrived in her garden, she hadn’t had time to think, she had just done it. This time, it was making a commitment.

“Let’s start easy. Come upstairs and see her. Then I can teach you how to change the dressing around her residual limb.”

Martha watched Yaz carefully to see her reaction. She flinched when she had mentioned the residual limb, but she looked determined and she took the lead as they walked upstairs.

She gasped as she walked into the room. The room looked largely the same but the addition of a drip and oxygen mask to the Doctors form changed the room from a bedroom to a sick room, somehow making the Doctor look even worse than she had. The Doctor was still covered with a duvet, and the folds of it were hiding what Yaz was dreading.

Martha was all business. “Right, we need to change her dressing. You can do it and I’ll talk you through it. She’s healing faster than a human would but she was in such an unhealthy state it’s not as fast as it could be.”

“Maybe I could watch you do it once and then I’ll do it?”

“Are you suggesting that we put her through it twice?” Martha’s gaze was stern but she switched to understanding and her voice is understanding. “Yaz, this is the time to learn. She’s still unconscious so you aren’t going to hurt her. But we don’t know how long it will be until she wakes up. Then it will hurt so you need to be ready and confident with what you’re doing. There’re only fluids in that drip. No pain relief.” Her voice returned to instructional. “Pull back the duvet Yaz.”

Yaz swallowed reflexively a couple of times and forced herself to reach out and pull back the duvet. She thought she was going to be sick. Where her right leg should have been, there was just space. From her mid thigh down, just nothing.

Yaz felt a reassuring hand on her back. “It’s ok. It’s not uncommon for people to react this way when they see a loved ones residual limb for the first time, especially when they’ve lost it in traumatic circumstances. Go ahead, look, take off the dressing. It needs to be done.”

With Martha’s encouragement, Yaz sat down on the end of the bed, in the space where there should have been leg. She put a sterile cloth over her legs and tentatively and so gently reached out for the Doctor’s leg.

Under Martha’s patient and gentle prompts she unwrapped the dressing and what Martha said was a compression sock. Her fingers gently touched the stitches that Martha had carefully put in.

“They’re really not the right sort of stitches for this sort of thing but they will dissolve without the need for a medical professional. And she heals much faster anyway so they should hold OK. Her stump already looks about a week old when its been less than 48 hours. I’ve already removed the drains. A human would probably be sent home around now assuming they were more conscious than she is.”

Yaz nodded. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from what was left of the Doctor’s leg.

I’m going to show you how to wrap it. Don’t be frightened of it. It has to be tight or she will never be able to get a prosthetic.”

“Won’t it hurt?”

“Yaz, we cut off most of her leg. It is absolutely going to hurt. Probably more than anything she has ever felt before. There is nothing you can do to stop it hurting. But wrapping it tightly will help her in the future. Otherwise she will need a wheelchair or crutches to get around until she either dies or regenerates and that could be considerably longer than it would be for a human.”

“Show me” demanded Yaz, some of her confidence returning.

Martha guided her hands to show her how to wrap a Figure 8 bandage around the stump. She showed her how to check it was tight enough but not too tight and roll up the compression sock.

When they were finished Yaz settled herself in beside the Doctor, holding her hand, her thumb absentmindedly rubbing circles onto the back of the Doctor’s hand. Martha took a laptop out of her bag.

“I have a lot to tell you. Everything I’m saying I’m writing down too and you can always phone but I will need to get on the road in a couple of hours. I’m sorry to leave you on your own but I have to be with my mum.”

By the time Ryan and Graham arrived back at the house, Martha had already cleared the Scottish borders.

“What the hell do you mean she’s gone” yelled Graham. “Literally the only Doctor on the planet who could help our Doctor and she’s waltzed off after cutting her leg off. Is she for real?”

“I don’t know, I was just so focused on understanding all the information she was giving me about caring for the amputation. Then I went to the bathroom and when I came back down she was already gone. She’s arranged for fluids and oxygen to be delivered to the house for as long as we need it. Apparently it’s common. I’ve been shown what to do but I’m no expert.” Yaz felt slightly hysterical at the thought of the responsibility.

“She tried to justify it. Said that the Doctor has a medical degree and will know what to do when she wakes up. And if she doesn’t wake up then it won’t matter.” Yaz visibly shuddered.

Ryan wrapped an arm round her shoulders. “Forget about her. We can’t force her to do anything. And she would lose her job if she was found out. And then the Doc would be carted off somewhere. We would all be arrested, and she would be dissected or whatever. Reckon there’re other issues going on there too. Personal ones. She will wake up and we’ll have her bossing us around in no time.”

Yaz nodded determinedly and Graham appeared at her elbow with a cup of tea which she drank with her free hand, still holding the Doctor’s with her other. “Get that down you Yaz, then get some sleep.” He instructed.

After the mug of tea, Yaz felt much better though she was very much looking forward to some uninterrupted sleep.

“Anything we should be doing while you’re asleep Yaz?” asked Graham.

“Keep monitoring her temperature. It’ll most likely be the first sign of infection if it returns. Nothing medical other than that but I’ve been doing some research and some people are aware of visitors in their room, even when they’re as out of it as she is. So be careful what you say in front of her but talk to her. Hold her hand or something so she knows we’re here. Just keep her company and wake me if there are any changes. Oh and tell her who you are”

“We can do that can’t we son?” said Graham positively.

“Yeah absolutely” he said, looking slightly alarmed at the thought of holding hands or trying to have a conversation with an unconscious woman.

Yaz pulled the mattress back out, stretching out without bothering to change. She heaped some blankets over the top of herself and was out in minutes, smiling as she listened to Ryan.

“Hi Doctor. It’s me. Uhhhh Ryan Sinclair. It’s me holding your hand too. Hope that’s OK. Grandad is doing the dishes cause he keeps making too much tea that no one is drinking cause we’re too busy worrying about you. Yaz is sleeping on the floor. You’re lucky you’re so out of it really, you know how loud she snores.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say thank-you to everyone who has been kind enough to leave your lovely, supportive comments. Please keep them coming as they really help inspire me.
> 
> As always, any questions, comments, suggestions etc. are warmly welcomed.

“Yaz. Yaz!” Yaz woke from her dream to find Graham leaning over her face, shaking her gently. It took Yaz a second for her brain to catch up. When it did, she sat bolt upright, nearly taking out Graham’s nose with her forehead.

“What’s happened?” she asked, dread forming in her stomach as she scrambled out of the tangle of blankets.

“I’m not sure. Think she’s in pain. She’s moaning and been fidgeting for a little while.”

Graham was shocked at the smile that appeared on Yaz’s face. “It’s not good that she’s in pain obviously. But it’s inevitable and it is good that she can feel it, means she’s regaining consciousness.” Yaz explained.

She sat down on the bed beside the Doctor. She could see what Graham meant, her eyes were closed but her body kept shifting slightly as though trying to move away from the pain and she kept letting out pained whimpers.

“Hey Doctor, it’s just Yaz. I know it hurts and I’m really sorry about that. But you’re going to be OK, we’re all here for you.” Her voice was soft and soothing and she gently ran her arm up and down the Doctor’s arm.

Her undamaged eye opened and swept lazily around the room, not taking anything in. Yaz shifted so she was in front of her.

“Doctor? Doctor can you hear me?” she asked clearly.

The Doctor’s head continued to twist, she looked panicked and confused. Yaz gently touched the Doctor’s face, trying to get her to concentrate. She looked at Yaz through fearful, hooded eyes. She spoke, still in the same musical language that had existed in her hallucinations and reached out, grabbing at Yaz’s jumper and holding on tightly.

“Doctor. It’s me Yaz.” She said more firmly. “Doctor you’re safe. You’re in my flat, on earth, in 2020. Ryan and Graham are here. Nothing is going to hurt you.” She gently untangled the Doctors fingers from her jumper, taking her hand again instead.

The Doctor looked right through Yaz as she spoke again. It was hard to tell as the language sounded more like music than words to Yaz’s ears but the tone suggested that she was begging for something. Yaz would have happily given her anything she wanted if she could have understood.

“Doctor, I’m sorry. I can’t understand what you’re saying. You’re not speaking English.”

While the Doctor didn’t seem to be able to speak English, she did seem to understand it because as her eye drifted shut again she kept repeating herself, her voice going from begging to sounding upset and frustrated.

It had only been for a few moment and she was far from lucid but she had been conscious. It was a start.

“Why can’t she speak English? Why can’t we understand her? I thought the TARDIS translated everything?” asked Ryan

“Maybe it’s too far away to translate?” wondered Graham.

“Could be… but she was speaking English the day I had her in the shower. Unless its further away now?”

“Why wouldn’t it translate then?”

“Maybe it doesn’t need to?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well if it’s her own language, she wouldn’t need it translated for her would she?”

“S’pose not.”

“You know I never really thought about it. Do you think she even speaks English? Or are we just hearing it?”

“She can” clarified Yaz “but by her standards she says not very well. She says she’s not fluent but she showed me and she sounded pretty much the same. She was speaking English when we met Tim Shaw but she was all over the place that night.”

“How do you know that?”

“Late night chats while she was doing maintenance. You were sleeping. Ryan was playing video games. You can learn more from her when she’s distracted. She gives more away.” Yaz shrugged.

“Now what?”

“Well I need to change the dressing on her leg. Think now is a good time now she’s out of it again, it’ll hurt less. Give her a bath and fresh pyjamas so she’s more comfortable. And Martha gave me some physiotherapy to do for her until she regains consciousness and then different ones she has to do on her own later.”

“Think that’s our cue to give the ladies some peace.”

“I’ve actually got work. Phoned in sick the last few days but I have to go back.”

“It’s fine Ryan. I have another eight days but I’m going to file for a leave of absence.” Yaz replied absentmindedly as she gathered the supplies she needed.

“You sure you want to do that Yaz?” asked Graham.

“Course I’m sure. With Ryan and I both doing shift work and Graham’s volunteering we can’t guarantee that one of us can be here and we’re certainly not leaving her on her own. I’ve got it worked out, telling them that I have a family emergency. Anyone comes checking they’ll take one look at her and be too embarrassed to ask too many questions.”

“She is a bit of a sight at the moment isn’t she” replied Graham sadly.

“Hopefully when her hair grows back, she’s dressed and we’ve been able to ditch the nasal canula for the oxygen she’ll look a bit better.”

Graham put an arm around Ryan’s shoulder and steered his grandson down stairs so Yaz could deal with the personal stuff. It didn’t matter that they had both already seen it all, neither of them was willing to cross the boundary of doing the woman’s personal care or at least without her consent.

Yaz had been a carer for a while when she was in school. The personal nature of taking care of all of a persons needs didn’t phase her but it was very different doing it for a friend. Especially when she didn’t even know it was happening. Before all the clients had been young adults with a range of disabilities, most of them life long. They had all been used to receiving care and were usually able to tell her if she was doing something wrong, if they were uncomfortable or if something hurt. The Doctor could do no such thing at the moment.

However Yaz could tell that the Doctor was definitely becoming more aware of what was happening. She didn’t open her eyes again, but she had been moaned and fidgeted, trying to squirm away from what Yaz was putting her through.

When she was finished, Yaz and Graham took turns sitting with her. Graham recounted all sorts of nonsense that frankly Yaz was glad she didn’t have to sit through politely. Yaz held her hand and read to her. She didn’t have Graham’s ability, or the Doctor’s for that matter, to ramble on indefinitely. She had always been comfortable with silence than pointless chit-chat.

Throughout the night and into the following morning, the Doctor became increasingly agitated. She continued to call out but even when her one working eye was open it was clear her brain wasn’t processing anything that was going on around her and she either didn’t hear or didn’t understand when Yaz and Graham spoke to her. She hadn’t opened the eye that had been burned. Martha had taken a look at it, she had said that there was only the remains of what had once been an eyeball, Yaz knew she didn’t need to see it right now. But there was nothing they could do for it anyway, it was a healed injury thanks to the Doctors ability to heal fast but that meant that nothing could be done to save the sight in it. 

Yaz spent a large part of the next few days reading everything she could on amputation, burns and trauma. From what she could tell the Doctor was healing her leg more than triple the pace that a human would have been able to. Which was good. But the reading said a lot about the different types of physiotherapy and massage that should be done at different stages of the healing process. If she was healing at triple the rate did that mean she should have triple the therapy to combat it? Could she even manage that? She had so many questions. She hated not knowing what she was doing and cursed Martha for leaving them.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for all your comments, they are very much appreciated and make my day! 
> 
> Would like to renew my pleas for a Beta Reader, the story is getting longer and more complex than I realised it would and I definitely find it tricky to write dialogue so ! would appreciate any input!

It was still early, just gone 6. Graham was asleep and Ryan wouldn’t finish work for another few hours but Yaz was already up and dressed. She had resumed her position, on the bed beside the Doctor. She was once again holding her friends hand, idly massaging circles into it with her thumb. Her back was resting against the headboard and her knees were up, propping up a large book out of the library that Graham had got on Physiotherapy. And a medical dictionary to go with it.

“Yaz?” the Doctor’s voice was thick and wet. “Hurts” she moaned. She fidgeted, moving her arms around and knocking the oxygen mask off her face.

Yaz jumped slightly, flinging the book onto the floor and coming round to her knees beside the Doctor, a stupid grin on her face as she gave her friend the gentlest of hugs which was weakly returned.

“Why are you crying?”

“You have no idea how good it is to hear your voice right now!”

“What happened? Where are we? When are we?”

“One thing at a time. It’s December 2019, don’t know exactly what day. I can never keep track. It’s a few minutes after 6am and we are in my house in Sheffield.”

“You don’t have a house… live in flat.”

“I used to live in a flat with my parents. Now I live in a house on my own. You were gone for a while.”

“How long?”

“We don’t have to get into that now.”

“How long?” the Doctor’s voice sounded more like her own as she demanded information.

“For us, seven months. We think it was at least that long for you.” She said gently.

“It was three years for me.”

“Doctor I’m so sorry” she grabbed her hand again and squeezed tightly. “Do you know what happened?”

The Doctor turned her head away from Yaz, tears coming down her cheek and dripping onto the sheet. Yaz reached out for her shoulder.

“Hey. It’s ok, you don’t have to tell me right now. Or ever if you don’t want to. But I’ve been with you since you arrived here. I think I can guess.”

“How long have I been here?”

“11 days. Unconscious for most of it. You were awake for a couple of hours last week. Do you know what’s been going on since you got here?”

“You were here. I heard you talking to me. You were reading to me and holding my hand. And there was another woman here… she sounded so familiar.”

“Yes there was. I’m sorry, we needed help. You were really badly hurt. It was Dr. Martha Jones. She was here for about 3 days.”

“Been a long time since I heard that name.” she wheezed and coughed and Yaz gently repositioned the mask. The Doctor took a few deep breaths that seemed to rattle in her chest and then pushed the mask away again.

“More than a decade for her but she thought about 3000ish years for you?”

“Sounds about right.” She took a long pause, as if processing the onslaught of information she was receiving.

“Why did you need her? I heal fast.” She choked again slightly and Yaz swapped the full oxygen mask that she was refusing to wear and replaced it with a nasal cannula instead, carefully looping it around her ear and behind her head.

“Because you weren’t healing Doctor. You were getting sicker and sicker. One of your hearts had stopped, you were barely breathing, temperature through the roof but shivering all the time. You were dying and you weren’t regenerating. She came but then she left again, a couple of days ago now.”

“What did she do? I don’t think I’m dying any more but I hurt everywhere.”

Yaz swallowed, no longer able to meet the Doctor’s eye. She had been so focused on hoping that the Doctor would regain consciousness she hadn’t given any thought how she was going to tell her what had happened when she was.

“Yaz, what do you not want to tell me?” the Doctor’s voice was sharp, almost fearful. Yaz cursed slightly. The Doctor was lousy at picking up social cues, but of course she had picked this up.

“Yaz” there was no denying the edge of panic in her voice.

“Doctor, I’m so sorry. Your leg was badly damaged and was infected. It had turned black. We didn’t know what else to do…”

The Doctor was frantically clawing at the duvet to pull it off and struggling to raise herself up enough to see. Yaz put a strong arm underneath her shoulders and raised her into a semi-sitting position.

She could hear the Doctor’s breath coming rapidly and felt her entire body stiffen.

“I’m so sorry Doctor” Yaz said sadly, gathering the woman tightly in her arms. “I’m so so sorry.” She rocked her gently, stroking her head and arm gently while the Doctor clutched her tightly. They stayed like that until the first strains of light struggled through the window and the Doctor pulled away, her face clear from tears.

“Just got to carry on.” She said, her voice shaking slightly.

That was too easy thought Yaz. That was not a normal reaction to finding out your leg was amputated without your consent. She knew they would be revisiting the topic when her brain had processed the information.

“I’m sorry Doctor” Yaz apologised again.

The Doctor reached out for Yaz’s face. “Yasmin Kan. Don’t be sorry. Don’t ever say that you’re sorry. You made a tremendously difficult decision. You’ve done everything right. I’ll be OK.” She was tiring again and her voice was weakening.

Yaz nodded, struggling for an appropriate response. “Do you need anything?”

The Doctor scrunched her face in the adorable way she did. “Something to eat. A cup of tea. And something clean to wear. Then I’ll be good to go.”

“Go?”

“I’ll get out of your way. I’m sure I’ve been enough of a burden to last a lifetime. I’ll get out of your way and let you get on…” she moved as though she was trying to get out of bed. Yaz took a form hold of her shoulders and forced her back down.

“Don’t even think about it. We’ve not been through everything we’ve been through the last two weeks for you to kill yourself trying to get down my stairs with one leg and zero muscle tone.” Her voice was definitely belonged to PC Khan with its air of authority and the Doctor sank back down into her pillows, a look of fright passing across her face.

Yaz knew she had gone too far. “I’m sorry Doctor. I shouldn’t have said that. But you’re still in no state to go anywhere. You’re not a burden, you’re my friend and I’m going to do everything I can to help you so get in the bed and I will go downstairs and get you something to eat.” She turned away quickly so the Doctor wouldn’t see the tears forming in her eyes.

Yaz disentangled herself and tiptoed down the stairs. She had heard Ryan come in a while ago and his soft snores were echoing down the hallway. She didn’t want to disturb him, or Graham who was still out.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all your reviews, they've made my weekend. Just a little note below on this evenings episode. Doesn't give much away but you might want to skip straight to the chapter if you haven't seen it. 
> 
> *****Spoilers for tonights episode******  
> Well, just finished this evenings episode. Not sure how I felt about it. Liked the episode itself but felt that if anyone was going to have bad nightmares it's the Doctor, they could have done more with that! Also was slightly disappointed with her reaction to Graham at the end. She could have given him a hug, though she doesn't seem to be a particularly touchy-feely Doctor.

Yaz flicked the kettle on to make the Doctors tooth achingly sweet tea and put some toast on, mindful of the last time the Doctor had eaten cereal. She rinsed out the lidded cup with the straw for the Doctor and her own favourite mug with the cat on, arranged it on a tray and brought it all upstairs. Through the gap in the hinges, Yaz could see the Doctor staring at her leg, tears pouring down her face.

Yaz cleared her throat to announce her presence and gave the Doctor a second to regain her composure before she walked back in. She placed the tray down and tactfully didn’t mention how much difficulty the Doctor was having in sitting up, she just got some extra cushions and pulled her carefully into a sitting position, stuffing the pillows down behind her back for support.

Yaz sat on the chair beside her, passing the Doctor tiny squares of toast, loaded with butter to soften it and holding the cup for her. She also had a basin by her foot which she wasn’t mentioning, she had been through a lot of sheets in the past week and Ryan had gone out twice to buy more.

When the Doctor had eaten a whopping half slice of toast and claimed she had had enough she tried to persuade Yaz to help her straight into the shower. Yaz was stalling, not letting her up and insisting on going with her and she could see the Doctor was irritated.

“Yaz I really need a shower, I stink.”

“That’s fine. I’m not stopping you but I am not letting you do it on your own. You might not remember it but the last time you tried to get anywhere on your own you rebroke your leg and landed us in the position we are now in. You might heal fast but that doesn’t mean your body can handle another beating if you fall and land on my tiled floor and…” her voice softened considerably “you’re too weak to hold a cup of tea. You haven’t used your muscles properly for a long time. I can’t stand to see you get hurt again.”

The Doctor blushed slightly. “I just want…” she trailed off, unable to meet Yaz’s eyes.

“I know. And I’m not saying this to upset you or humiliate you but I have done pretty much every intimate thing you can imagine for you by now including manhandling your unconscious, beaten body into a shower and holding it there, pulling bits of your own coat out of your burns. I will not waste that because you won’t let me help and die trying.”

The Doctor looked shocked. Yaz never lost her temper. Rarely ever showed annoyance, always with the cool, calm professionalism.

“I’m so sorry Yaz. For everything I’ve put you through” she said, immediately feeling incredibly guilty.

“Don’t apologise. You’re my best friend and my family. It’s what we do.” She scooped her up, appreciative of the difference it made when the Doctor was actually co-operating instead of unconscious, and carried her into the bathroom.

When the Doctor was clean, wrapped in a big towel and propped up on Yaz’s bed again she asked brightly “Where’s my clothes? Need to feel like me again?”

“I don’t have them, when I found you in the garden, you had nothing. You’ve been wearing my pyjamas. I can give you another pair or something like sweats? Still comfy but more day wear?”

The Doctor swallowed reflexively. Her coat was like a shield. She felt naked without it. And neither sweats or pyjamas had pockets.

“Sweats are fine” she lied with a smile, choosing a plain black pair and a soft, long sleeved, deep purple top from the selection Yaz was holding out. She also dug out an unopened packed of underwear and tossed them to her along with a single sock.

“I can give you a soft, unwired sports bra if you want it but I’m not sure your burns would appreciate it.” She offered.

“No, I think you’re right. They still look pretty angry.” Her breath hitched. She had never really spent that much time thinking about her own appearance, other than lamenting that she had never been ginger before. Her face and body had changed so often but she was pretty sure the last few months wouldn’t have happened if she had still been a man. “Yaz, my face, is it really bad?”

Yaz froze, clearly thinking of the best way to answer. “How about when we’ve got you dressed we’ll get you a mirror. Think that’s better than me trying to explain.”

“You told me you made the decision to cut my leg off in your bedroom and you won’t tell me this? It must be bad.” The Doctor’s forced light tone made Yaz wince.

“How did it happen?”

“It was right before I escaped. Just before I got to you. He was… he was… forcing me. He had it in my mouth. I bit him. I shouldn’t have done it. He held me down by the hair. Needn’t have bothered, I was chained too tightly to move. His species can excrete acid. He poured it all over my head, my face. I could feel it dripping down my arms and hands but I couldn’t move. I could feel it burning my eye and ear and eating through my skin. It hurt worse than when you and Martha cut off my leg.”

“You felt that?” Yaz asked in horror.

“Sort of. I wasn’t as unconscious as you all thought I was. I don’t remember it consciously but if you say something that jogs my memory it’ll come back to me. A trick of my race. Sometimes comes in handy, not right now.”

Yaz nodded, not trusting herself to speak as she threaded the other woman’s arm through the sleeve of the top and tugged it over her head before looping the oxygen back round her face. She needlessly went and fiddled with the cannister to give herself a moment where the Doctor couldn’t see her face so she could catch her breath.

“I need to redress your leg before we can put the trousers on, is that OK?”

“How do you know how to do that?”

“Been doing a lot of research over the last few days. When you can manage, I’ll show you how to do it on your own.”

“Yaz… before you start, I don’t want, I can’t, I know it needs to be done, but I don’t want to see you do it.”

Yaz’s face was full of understanding and she helped the Doctor lie down. “I can cover you up and ask Graham to come up and hold your hand if you like? I’ll need both hands because we have to do the physio too if you ever want to be able to use your leg again apparently. Or I’ll talk him through it and I’ll hold you?”

The Doctor balked. Her fam. Never before had she felt frightened of a man. She had been one for thousands of years. But for the last three years she had been degraded in every possible way by men and the thought of letting another one, even one as kind and understanding as Graham, see her so vulnerable was terrifying. But the thought of letting Yaz manhandle her leg without anything comforting was terrifying too.

“Doctor?” Yaz prompted.

“Yes let him come up. But you do it. And please… don’t leave me on my own with him” she whispered as though it was a shameful secret.

“Of course I won’t. I’ll go down and get him.” She said, covering her lower half with the blanket first and squeezing her shoulder supportively on the way out the door.

Downstairs, Yaz shook Graham awake, careful to not disturb Ryan.

“Yaz what is it? Is the Doc OK? She’s not…” his voice trailed.

Yaz ushered him into the kitchen. “She’s awake, she’s lucid, she’s speaking in English. She’s had breakfast and kept it down and a shower. But she’s trying to pretend that she’s fine and not in pain but she’s a terrible liar. She thinks she’s good at hiding it. I need to dress her leg and I told her you would come and hold her hand under the provision that I don’t leave you alone together.”

“Sometimes I am so ashamed to be a man.”

Yaz smiled at him sympathetically. “Come on, we’d better get back up before she changes her mind.

Yaz knocked on the door before she went in, Graham following behind. Yaz positioned herself on the bed and Graham sat on a chair beside her.

“Hi Doc, so good to see you with us again.” He smiled. The Doctor didn’t manage to speak to him but did hold out her hand for him to hold, closing her eyes against them both.

“Doctor, do you want me to tell you what I’m doing or just do it?”

She worried her lip. “I don’t know.”

“How about I start off telling you but if you want me to shut up just let me know. You don’t have to tell me with words, you can let Graham know too. Your amputation is fairly high up your thigh, just so you know where I’m going to be putting my hands.”

Yaz was feeling very nervous but she needed to be confident for the Doctor and she forced herself to keep her voice calm and steady as she massaged the stump and scar, wrapped them tightly, fitted a compression sock and manipulated the hip joint.

Graham was rubbing the Doctor’s hand gently with her own and Yaz could see she had a vice like grip on him but she was determinedly keeping her head turned in the other direction, biting her lip but not quite managing to stifle the moans of pain that kept escaping.

When she had finished, Yaz pulled a pair of trousers onto her friend and safety pinned the empty right leg out of the way.

“When you’re feeling up to it we’ll go out and get you some things of your own” she promised

“Do you wanna stay up here Doc? We could go down to the living room for a bit. Could watch a film or something? What about Star Wars, you love insulting Sci-Fi stuff? Or something really cheesy? Yaz has a lot of cheesy films.

“Maybe later Graham… yeah?” she said, still not managing to look at him.

“Right… sure. I’ll just be downstairs then. Gotta wake Ryan or he’ll not get used to going back to day shifts” he said uncertainly excusing himself, locking eyes with Yaz for permission.

When he had left, Yaz hauled the Doctor back into a sitting position. She knew what the Doctor was looking for. She had been staring at the upside down, hand held mirror that was on Yaz’s dressing table for a while.

Yaz picked it up, holding it out to her, still wrong side up. “Do you want me to stay or go?” she asked, putting the mirror on the bed when the Doctor made no move to reach and take it.

“Go I think. I’ll see you in a bit?”

“Course” Yaz replied uncertainly and headed downstairs. She kept her pace calm and measured on the stairs as she knew the Doctor would be able to hear her but as soon as she was on the bottom step she ran to the bathroom, throwing up violently into the toilet. She could feel an arm around her shoulders, holding her plait out of the way and supporting her as she leaned back against the cold tiles, trembling violently.

“Yaz what’s wrong?” asked Ryan, his voice laced with concern.

“It’s just… she's been hurt so much. And that wasn’t our fault, I know that. But to help her recover is going to hurt so much more and I am going to responsible for that. She remembers the amputation. Said it’s a trick of her race, she wasn’t conscious but if something happens to jog her memory it can come back.”

She leaned forward over the toilet and heaved again though she no longer had anything left in her stomach.

“Yaz it won’t be your fault. You’re doing your best for her. When she’s feeling more like herself she will be so mad if she can’t do anything for herself because we didn’t push her now. I know it’s really hard but it’s the best we can do for her right now.”

“Thanks Ryan. I needed to hear that” Yaz sighed and she leaned her head on his shoulder.

But the moment was over when they heard a soft scream from upstairs and Yaz jumped to her feet.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor looks in the mirror and other stuff happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need a hug. Just wrote the chapter detailing what happened. It was hard. Send hugs and cookies. Was worse to write than this chapter.

Upstairs, the Doctor stared at the mirror, willing her hand to reach out and take it. She was frustrated with herself. It was a mirror for heaven’s sake not a Dalek. It wasn’t going to shoot her or chase her or attack her.

Or tell her anything that wasn’t already true.

She screwed up her face and picked up, irritated at how much her hand was shaking. She didn’t remember ever feeling so weak, not even when she had regenerated over that Christmas with the killer trees and kept passing out.

Taking a deep breath, she opened her eyes and tried to stifle her cry. She might not have cared about her looks generally but this was something else. Her skin was thick and twisted, scrapped red and raw. Her ear was just a nub and her eye was closed. She couldn't open it on her own but when she tried to prize it open with her fingers she thought she was going to be sick at the disgusting mess hidden behind the lid. Her hair was gone, just a little peach fuzz growing on the parts of her head that weren’t burnt. She wasn’t stupid, part of the reason people had always trusted her was because of her face. Who in the universe would trust the mess that she had now? It was grotesque.

She dropped the mirror on the floor, unable to bear looking anymore and ignored the sound of the breaking glass. She reached out blindly for the bedside cabinet as she felt herself tipping slightly. Her fingers found the book on physiotherapy Yaz had been reading. She picked it up and threw it across the room as hard as she could, a cry coming from her throat. The next thing was a small glass ornament of a cat which shattered satisfyingly against the wall. The lamp was too heavy for her to lift but it got swept to the floor all the same, followed by the glass of water and Yaz’s police ID.

The Doctor was panting with exertion, tears coming down her face causing her vision to blur and her throat burn with the effort of the screams. When had she started screaming?

She froze when she heard a noise behind her. She shouldn’t have done that. She should not have done that. This was only going to make it worse. She curled up, wrapping her arms around her head to protect it, willing the beating she was sure was coming to be over soon. Panic was filling her chest, bubbling over, making it difficult to breathe and she felt the world tilt on its axis, getting darker and darker…

She wasn’t sure how long she had been lying there but she became aware that someone was holding her. There was an oxygen mask clamped over her face again. The arms that were wrapped around her were warm and soothing and she tried not to move, not wanting to disturb the feeling of safety that was enveloping her.

Yaz noticed that she was awake. “Hey, you ok?” she whispered.

It came flooding back. She bucked slightly in Yaz’s arms, shame flooding through her as she realised she had just trashed any of Yaz’s possessions that she could and yet here Yaz was, holding her tightly. She could see the remains of the cat on the floor, lying amongst the pages that had worked their way loose from the book. She couldn’t even remember what else she had thrown but the debris was all over one side of the bedroom. It was as if Yaz was reading her thoughts.

“Don’t worry about it. It doesn’t matter.” She shifted her hold of the Doctor slightly so she was looking at her and more importantly, the Doctor wasn’t looking at the mess on the floor.

The Doctor reached up and clumsily took off the mask.

“I’m sorry Yaz. I shouldn’t… I didn’t.. I… I’m sorry”

“I always hated that cat you know. Sonya bought it for me. She knows I hate cats. Creep me out. But she’d get all offended if it wasn’t on display on my bedside cabinet. Was just there out of habit really” she said conversationally.

“Doctor, is there anything I can do for you to help your pain? It’s written all over your face.”

“I’m fine Yaz.”

“No. You’re not. You’re hurting.”

“I don’t want drugs Yaz. Not now. Not ever again. Promise me you won’t give me drugs.”

“Doctor you’re a conscious adult who is capable of making their own decisions. Of course I won’t. I might not agree with them but I won’t force you to take any.”

“Can you keep hugging me? It feels nice. I forget I like hugs.”

“Of course I can. For as long as you want. Always.”

Yaz gathered her back in her arms, rearranging them both so they were more comfortable and rocked them gently. She could see the Doctor was still a little out of it again and she gently handed her the mask. She knew she was right to have done so when she didn’t even pretend to mount a protest, just sucked at it greedily, closing her eyes in relief.

Yaz held her and rocked her. The Doctor’s eyes were still closed but she as sure she wasn’t asleep. Graham brought her a cup of tea and quietly cleaned up the debris from the floor. Yaz read the first book she found from her bedside cabinet where she stored her books on police procedure. They were a great alternative to a sleeping pill. It was much later when the Doctor finally opened her eyes and took off the mask, indicating to Yaz to turn it off.

“What do you want to do Doctor?”

“Do you have a scarf?”

“Why? You cold? I can give you another blanket?”

“No not a woolly one. The sort you can cover your head with.”

“Yeah a couple. I wear them when I go to the Mosque but that’s not all that often.”

“Will you help me cover my head? Nothing fancy and not covering all of my face or anything. Just a bit…”

She trailed off at Yaz’s look. Yaz opened the wardrobe and lifted out a hanger full of scarves, offering them to the Doctor to choose. She selected a plain black scarf and Yaz wrapped it around her head, similar to a bandana, tucking the ends in out of the way. Ironically the longest hair style she had ever had had been while she was a man. Even in her time as a woman she kept it no longer than her ears so she was glad that Yaz had secured the scarf in a neat knot at the nape of her neck. 

A short time later, when the Doctor has consented to being brought downstairs, she was doing a very good impression of watching The Sound of Music. But Yaz, who was sitting on the sofa next to her, could feel how tense she was. Her eyes were darting around the room, warily watching the two men and picking at a bit of skin on her hand. Yaz gently reached out and took her hand, stopping her from doing any further damage.

“Doctor, I don’t want to be blunt but you have enough damage, don’t make it worse.” She said softly. Ryan and Graham politely pretended not to hear. It hadn’t escaped her notice that despite the warmth of the room the Doctor had wrapped a blanket around herself so she didn’t have to look at her leg.

The day was punctuated by persuading bordering on bullying. Persuading her to do the exercises Martha had left. Persuading her to eat. Persuading her to stop picking at her skin. Yaz could see how much pain she was in but she wasn’t budging. Kept insisting she was fine, even when she curled into a protective ball with a scream when Graham dropped a mug in the kitchen. It had taken Yaz more than half an hour to talk her out of it.

By the evening they were all exhausted and Yaz was thoroughly relieved when the Doctor suggested going to bed. She usually adopted a policy of working until she physically couldn’t anymore and they had all walked in to find her asleep slumped over the controls of the Tardis or stretched out underneath it at various points where she had literally worked herself to the point of exhaustion. She patiently took the Doctor back upstairs and helped her get ready for bed.

Yaz was never a girly girl and could usually do things like be ready for bed in 10 minutes, throwing the dirty clothes in the basket, pyjamas on, bathroom for teeth and face wash and straight into bed. Doing all that for someone else who was largely unable to help was considerably more time consuming. It wasn’t that the Doctor was resisting or even being deliberately unhelpful, but she was clearly embarrassed. And she was resistant to being touched at the best of times which this was far from. Yaz tried to distract her by chatting normally but the Doctor just looked in the other direction, unable or unwilling to make eye contact.

Yaz eventually managed to settle her into bed, propped up with cushions and left the light on as per request. She was shattered but really wanted a chat with Ryan and Graham before they went home. If nothing else, just a normal conversation would be nice. Not tip-toeing around, not terrified you would say the wrong, not dancing around the herd of elephants in the room.

She was relieved that by the time she had got downstairs, Ryan and Graham had straightened up the living room, done the dishes and placed a steaming mug of tea at her place on the table. She sank wearily into the seat, wrapping her fingers around the mug and relishing its comfort before taking a sip.

Ryan was the first to break the silence. “Do you think there’s a nut house for aliens somewhere?...OW”

Yaz had thumped him, hard in the arm. He wheeled round to Graham for support.

“You deserved that Son.” He said, his tone conveying his disappointment.

“I’m just saying, we’ve got our freaked out alien mate hanging around in Yaz’s bedroom who's probably been tortured and has already lashed out more than once. We’re lucky she’s so weak, imagine the damage she could do to us if she had her strength. Who even knows what she’s capable of?”

“The Doc wouldn’t hurt us.”

“I know _she_ wouldn’t but that ghost up there isn’t her is it?” he insisted.

“Yes. It is.” Yaz insisted. “You just have to give her time and space. She’s strong, she’ll heal. This won’t beat her.”

“You could stand to be a bit more understanding. You have no idea what she’s been through son.” Yaz was glad Graham was so calm because her nerves were at boiling point. He turned to look at her. “You two were together weren’t you?” he asked.

Yaz balked, first instinct to deny. She’d never had a relationship with a woman before but she’d always known she was bi. Her parents were pretty relaxed but she knew that was something they wouldn’t accept. But her hesitation seemed to have answered her question. Graham squeezed her hand in understanding. Ryan just looked shocked, his mouth hanging open unflatteringly.

“I don’t think she even remembers” she admitted tearfully, looking at her knees, unable to look either of them in the face.

“Oh love, you said it yourself she’s far from herself. I’m sure she’s not blocking you out. I don’t think she even knows who she is just at the moment. Try not to take it personally.”

“Do you want me and Grandad to do more?”

“I do because it’s already so hard. And I know if I go up there and say that to her she’s that passive that she’ll say it’s fine when it isn’t. And those exercises Martha sent… if what we think happened has actually happened it would be almost like violating her again. You have to get pretty up close and personal because Martha had to take so much of her leg. I don’t want to hurt her more than she is. And she might not remember what we had or maybe I was just a flash in the pan for her but she was special to me and I want to do this for her.”

“I’m sure you weren’t a flash in the pan Yaz. The Doc is nothing if not loyal. Really don’t think she’s that kind of woman.”

Graham wrapped a comforting Grandad arm around her shoulders, pulling her in tightly for a hug. It was exactly what she needed and she lent into the comfort.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who is sticking with this. Loving the experience of writing it.

By the fourth night Yaz knew they had to do more. Nothing had changed. The Doctor was spending all day on the sofa, either completely silent or rambling. She wouldn’t let anyone but Yaz anywhere near her, wouldn’t even look at her leg let alone do the exercises Martha had said she should be doing. Martha had made it very clear that the window of opportunity to prepare her residual leg for a prosthetic was short, especially because of the Doctor’s accelerated healing. If she missed it she may need another amputation further up. Or more likely, she would simply lose her shot, her stump was already short. She was eating when Yaz made her and sleeping more than was normal for a human, let alone an alien who usually only slept for a couple of hours every fortnight or so. And she was just so listless, barely moving at all which really wasn’t helping build her muscles back up.

“Any ideas?” asked Graham after Yaz came downstairs after helping the Doctor into bed again. “She can’t go on like this.”

“I had one thought yesterday… don’t know if it would help or traumatise her” Yaz trailed off.

Ryan and Graham looked at her expectantly.

“She’s always been a bit claustrophobic at the best of times and she never likes to be in one place for too long, maybe we should take her out for a bit?”

“How? She’s not supposed to be using the crutches Martha left yet and even if she was you know she isn’t strong enough to manage them. She falls over when she's sitting if she isn’t propped up.”

“I still have the wheelchair I used when I was struggling with chemo” admitted Graham. Ryan gaped slightly and Yaz guessed that this was new information for him.

That’s perfect, where do you think we should take her?”

“Maybe up into the Peaks? Decent drive but not too far, not too much light pollution so she can see the stars and enough privacy that she can say anything weird or do whatever she needs to do.”

“I think it sounds perfect. Find a nice peaceful spot and just spend some time together.”

“So as long as the weather holds we’ll go out tomorrow evening yeah?”

“I’ll bring blankets and flasks of tea.” Volunteered Graham, looking after his stomach as always.

The promise of an evening out kept Yaz going through the next day. While the Doctor was unconscious Yaz had thought it was going to be the hardest part but she had definitely been wrong. Ryan was at work and Graham had two appointments at the hospital so for the first time, she was alone with the Doctor all day.

Even though Yaz was pretty sure the stage that she could die at any moment was passed and that so far she had been able to meet at least all the Doctor’s physical needs, it had been incredibly reassuring to know that Ryan and Graham were just downstairs if she needed them or if things became too tough to handle and she needed someone to talk to or vent to.

She had been doing a lot of venting. It was so hard to make the Doctor do anything for herself. She was thousands of years old but looking after her was similar to looking after a newborn – sleeping and crying round the clock, lying there doing nothing the rest of the time. Nothing Yaz suggested seemed to spark any interest. She was trying to be patient, but it was hard watching her friend disintegrate. She had to remind herself that what ever the Doctor had been through, it must have been pretty horrific to have reduced such a strong person to the shell that currently inhabited her bedroom.

Although the Doctor had been reasonably communicative the first morning she had woken up, she was definitely withdrawing into a solitary bubble. More and more when Yaz tried to get her to talk about anything she would just receive a blank stare before the Doctor went back to playing with the buttons on her pyjamas or fiddling with the bed sheets or gazing at the curtains. Her hands were the part of her that was rarely still.

She let Yaz take care of her with frightening passivity, offering no resistance but also no help. Yaz knew she was sinking deep into depression. She knew why. What she didn’t know was how to fix it. The Doctor she knew would have fought every offer of help, every suggestion that it was OK to rely on others occasionally. Yaz knew which she preferred. Stubborn, obstinate, fiery, passionate, intense, maddening, wonderful. The most incredible person she had ever met.

She debated all day over whether or not to tell the Doctor of their plans to get her out for the evening all day. She didn’t want to stress her further by springing it on her but at the same time she didn’t want to cause her anxiety by giving her time to worry about it. She settled on a middle ground, telling her about an hour before Graham and Ryan were due to arrive.

The Doctor responded in her new usual way, by continuing to do absolutely nothing. Shortly after 7, after Yaz forced her to eat some pasta, managing to get her to eat a whopping 4 pieces before her fork clattered back down to her plate. She was submissive as Yaz dressed her in cosy fleece leggings, thermal top and comfortable jumper in preparation for the cold night air. She also gave her a knitted beanie for her head instead of the scarves she had been insisting that Yaz help her with as she didn’t have enough dexterity in her fingers to do it herself. It was impossible to guess what she thought about their trip. Yaz hadn’t given her too many details, just that Ryan and Graham were coming over and they were going out.

But she was far from passive when the wheelchair appeared downstairs. Yaz was fine taking her to and from the bathroom or even down the stairs in their improvised half carry but getting her down the path to the car and then out of the car on the other side was something else. Last thing she needed was to be dropped.

“NO. No no no. I am not getting in that. I don’t need that.” It was the most she had said to anyone in days.

“Come on doc, it’s just a chair. Just to help you get to the car.”

“Yaz can’t carry you that far, it’s not safe and it’s not good for you either.”

“Then I’ll stay here.”

“No you won’t. Yaz told me that when she went out to buy bread yesterday she came back to find you crying behind the wardrobe.”

The Doctor flushed bright red and turned away while Yaz shot him murderous glances. She knew it would be harder for the Doctor to open up to her if she thought they were discussing her behind her back. Which they were. Graham tried a different tactic.

“Doc, Yaz needs to get out for a bit but we all know she won’t go out and leave you here on your own or with one of us because she worries about you and cares about you. Please come with us, for her?”

It worked.

The Doctor had never been one to allow her friends to hurt and Graham felt pleased that that part of her personality at least seemed to still be there. She looked at Yaz and nodded and allowed Yaz to pivot her into the chair. Yaz helped her adjust her foot to the foot plate and her leg on the supporting attachment that Graham had bought especially. It felt like a minor victory as she wheeled her down the path to the car while Graham grabbed the coats, picnic blanket and packed of custard creams she had left in the hallway.

Once in the confines of Ryan’s small car, Yaz could feel the Doctor’s trepidation. She wasn’t sure if it was the small space, being so close to Ryan and Graham or generally being out of the relative safety of the bedroom. Yaz reached out and grabbed the Doctor’s hand, holding it tightly. Partly to provide reassurance and partly to stop her digging her fingernails into her palm. She had caused them to bleed more than once already doing that. Although the Doctor didn’t acknowledge the squeeze, she didn’t withdraw either which Yaz took as a sign that she was happy enough with the hand holding situation. God she missed holding hands, lying in bed their hands intertwined while they talked or cuddled, or holding onto each other tightly as they ran from something.

Ryan left the radio playing softly while he drove for just under two hours through the National Park. The scenery was as stunning as it always was but gradually slipped from view as the night fell all around them. Yaz kept hold of her hand the entire way but she didn’t shift from her position in the car, head bowed down to her chest, the hand that wasn’t being held by Yaz fiddling with the seatbelt.

Finally, Ryan pulled up in a small clearing after driving through a dense wooded area. There was no one else around as he pulled up into a carpark and Yaz wrapped the Doctor carefully in a number of extra layers the way you would a small child. Helping her into the wheelchair she cocooned the Doctor in a thick blanket, conscious that the rest of them would warm up with the walk up the hill but that she would be sitting still unless she summoned up some effort to try and push herself which seemed unlikely.

After bundling on her own coat and gloves Yaz gave the Doctor’s shoulder a gentle, reassuring squeeze and took firm hold of the handles and pushed her toward the path that led upwards, Ryan and Graham walking on either side with a backpack each.

The terrain, while easy for walking was tough going with the wheelchair and Yaz was glad when, half an hour later, they reached a viewing spot which was mercifully empty. The boys busied themselves with layering several blankets on the ground to keep out the chill while Yaz began the tricky task of helping the Doctor out of the chair and onto the ground, something they hadn’t tried yet. She knew both boys were waiting to jump in and help if necessary and appreciated their unobtrusive hovering.

The Doctor’s continued inactivity meant that her weakened muscles weren’t really strong enough to hold her up without support so Yaz settled in behind her, the Doctor’s head resting comfortably against her chest.

Yaz ached for the last time they had sat in this position, sitting on the planet of Melfluzions watching the incoming, bright pink tide roll up the beach, though their positions had been reversed then and the Doctor had been gently running her fingers through her hair. It had been a moment of pure bliss.

Predictably, Graham produced his flask of tea and a range of sandwiches within a few minutes of sitting down and Ryan rummaged through Yaz’s bag, with her permission, for the custard creams

As Graham passed the Doctor some well sugared tea in her usual lidded cup, the cloud shifted overhead, revealing the stars above.

Yaz felt the Doctor’s breath hitch in her throat slightly as the starry sky above them was revealed.

“Hey Doc, you okay?” asked Graham concerned as she ignored the tea wavering in front of her face.

“I’m fine Graham” she whispered, her voice hoarse.

“You miss it don’t ya?” asked Ryan, typically blunt.

“It was my whole life. I’ve never been so stuck. I hate being stuck” she admitted.

“It doesn’t have to be over you know. You managed to find the TARDIS once before.”

“That was different.”

“How? You managed to find it with a microwave. Kidnapped us in the process of course and nearly got us all killed on an alien planet but you got it back.”

“It was in this galaxy though. I knew that for sure. Now she could be anywhere in the entire universe. Could have been stolen again or anything. And who knows how much time has passed for her…”

“Stolen again?”

“How do you think I got her in the first place? They don’t exactly grow on trees.” She managed a weak chuckle which sounded like music to Yaz’s ears. Yaz took the opportunity to chime in.

“Doctor, there has to be something you can do. I’ve never believed in anyone as much as I believe in you. But you need to help yourself first. You need to wake up and take care of yourself and look after yourself. When you’ve done that I swear we will help you do whatever it takes to get the TARDIS back if that’s what you want. If we can get her here we will. Right guys?”

“Anything.”

“Absolutely.” 

Yaz felt the Doctor begin to cry again. But this time it felt different. Like she was letting something out and achieving something. She held her tight and was surprised when the Doctor sought out her hand and gave it a feeble squeeze. She didn’t want to hope too much in case she was disappointed but a tiny part of her was very much hoping that this would be a turning point for the Doctor. And proof that under the layers of hurt and pain that her Doctor was still in there somewhere.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long, life got away from me a bit this week!

The next morning Yaz was pleasantly surprised that the Doctor was already awake when she woke up. It had been getting harder and harder to wake her up. Even more surprising was that she had made some sort of effort to sit herself up and was watching Yaz sleep.

“Morning Doctor” Yaz said, trying to keep the surprise out of her voice. “Ready to get up?”

“Actually Yaz…” the doctor broke off looking embarrassed “I was wondering if you could help me with some of those muscle exercises you were talking about…”

Yaz tried to smother her grin of delight as she clambered out from underneath the blankets. She helped the Doctor into a more stable sitting position and banked her up on either side with cushions. She went to the bottom of her wardrobe and lifted out her lightest weights, only 500g each. She gave them to the Doctor and showed her how to lift them to engage the different muscles in her arms and shoulders. Yaz noticed that she was doing quite well with her right arm but her left arm which had been burnt when she arrived had started to heal into thickly scarred skin which was tight and she was struggling to grip the weight at all.

Yaz took her through a gentle routing of lifting the weights and holding them, stretches and movement. When they were finished she took hold of the Doctor’s burnt hand and gently manipulated the scar tissue to stretch it, working her way up the Doctor’s arm and manipulating her fingers, wrist, elbow and shoulder. Something else she had been taught during her time working as a carer. Yaz knew she must be hurting the Doctor but she didn’t complain. She kept her mouth in a fixed line, tightly clamped shut to prevent a cry from escaping. But she was also watching every move Yaz made with an intense scrutiny.

When she was finished Yaz went downstairs and collected the wheelchair from the previous evening. She helped the Doctor into it and made her push herself into the bathroom and get sorted and dressed into more of Yaz’s sweats and Yaz helped her look after her leg.

“Would it help if we went and got you some of your own clothes? It’s not a problem for you to wear mine, just thought you might feel more comfortable in your own?”

The Doctor looked embarrassed. “Maybe soon Yaz, I don’t think I can be near that many people right now.” Her voice was quiet and she wasn’t making eye contact.

“That’s OK, was just a suggestion. We don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”

The Doctor looked away. “I don’t feel comfortable with anything. I just want to hide away” she conceded in a whispered voice while Yaz pulled a soft brush gently through the peach fuzz that was starting to grow on her head.

“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to but I am always going to listen. You won’t scare me or disgust me or make me leave. I promise.”

“I was captured just a few hours after I left you. From a planet called Khorsh, seventeen galaxies away. I was answering a distress call. They… they… …. hurt me. They made me do things. I didn’t want to but when I didn’t they forced me. And they hurt me more. It was easier to do what they wanted. Even when it wasn’t.”

Yaz stopped brushing and stood in front of her giving her a tight hug. “It wasn’t your fault Doctor. None of it. You have to remember that.”

The Doctor didn’t return her hug but she did lay her head on Yaz’s shoulder.

“Would you like to get out for a bit Doctor? There’re some nice paths around here that are pretty quiet and easy to navigate. You could practice using the chair on your own. Get some fresh air, change of scenery, stop for a fried egg sandwich on the way back?” Yaz suggested, her grin cheeky and breaking the tension in the room. The Doctor dithered for a moment but managed a slight smile and a nod of the head.

Downstairs, Yaz passed the Doctor the wraps she had worn the evening before and helped her with the buttons on the coat and to wrap a fleece lined scarf round her head, tying it in a knot at the back. The Doctor grunted in frustration as she failed to get a good enough grip on the rims of the wheelchair to manoeuvre herself out the door.

Yaz noticed her difficulty and casually commented “we can get you a splint to wear to stretch out your hands when you’re not exercising them. Should make fine motor tasks easier.”

Typically, the Doctor didn’t respond but Yaz took her lack of argument as consent and grabbed hold of the handles and steered her out the door. Within a few minutes they had reached the quiet walking paths along the river Yaz had been aiming for. They were mostly flat with few obstacles and most of all, they tended to be quiet at this time of day save for the occasional jogger or dog walker.

The Doctor seemed more relaxed outside and managed to make some progress propelling the wheelchair, although it was very slow.

Yaz made light conversation, pointing out some of the features of her own history; the park where she had played as a child, her primary school, the path she had to walk down being taunted by Izzie Flint, the spot where she had finally got the better of Izzie Flint. She wasn’t looking for a reply, just something to keep the Doctor distracted as she struggled to move the wheelchair with her weakened muscles and poor grip.

After 20 minutes the Doctor’s pace had slowed to a stop and she was panting heavily, a sweat clearly visible on her face.

“I’m so proud of you” Yaz said. “You’re doing great.”

The Doctor gave another few feeble pushes before she knew there was no power left in her arms which were trembling from exertion.

“How about that fried egg sandwich now? There’s a nice café just a little further on. I get tea there on my shifts sometimes, it’s usually pretty quiet round now?”

“Go on then” she smiled, wheezing slightly.

“Do you need to take a rest first? I have the portable oxygen in my backpack if you need it?”

The Doctor shook her head fiercely but as her head dropped lower Yaz overrode that decision and pulled it out, gently clamping the mask to the Doctor’s face with her hand and holding the Doctor’s hand with the other.

Yaz breathed out a quiet sigh of relief when in just a few moments the Doctor as sitting up a little straighter again and had begin to return the squeeze to the hand.

“Ready?” she asked

The Doctor replied by bringing her hand up to Yaz’s and gently tugging it away from her face.

“What else you got stashed in there?”

“Oh nothing much. Just the usual bits for a handbag.”

“Never had a handbag. Prefer pockets” she smiled.

Yaz wasn’t going to point out that having her pockets stuffed to bursting with junk really wouldn’t make sitting in the wheelchair comfortable and maybe now would be a good time to invest in a bag of some description.

They reached the café a few minutes later and Yaz realised her mistake almost instantly, the café had two steps leading up. Thankfully the bored, teenage waitress was paying more attention that Yaz realised and noticed her predicament before the Doctor did and rushed out with a folding ramp, and holding the door open, she ushered Yaz into the cosy space.

The café was smaller than Yaz had realised and she had to manoeuvre carefully to get the Doctor up to the counter without incident. She was realising that Graham’s chair was both cumbersome and heavy and made a mental note to see if they could do something about that, maybe get the Doctor her own chair that was more suitable.

“What can I get ya?” she asked, directing her first question at Yaz. Yaz selected a cheese and tomato toastie and mug of tea like she usually had on shift.

“And for her?” Yaz was instantly annoyed. The Doctor sitting there in the too big wheelchair was a sorry sight but she was still a person.

“I don’t know. Why don’t you ask her?” she snapped coldly.

Yaz felt the Doctor shift closer and reached for her hand while staring down the waitress.

The Doctor didn’t lift her head but managed to mumble “fried egg sandwich and tea”.

“That’ll be £8.30” the girl demanded and Yaz dug a tenner out of her purse, pointedly ignoring the tip cup on the counter.

Yaz took the Doctor to a table by the window and deliberately helped her into a spot that faced away from the counter. She was worried that this was going to be a bad idea but was unwilling to confirm it by hustling the Doctor out.

The food arrived quickly and was piping hot and fresh. Yaz got up and got a straw for the Doctor’s tea and collected several extra sachets of sugar. Her drink was always more sugar than tea, it was a miracle she had any teeth left.

The bread of the Doctor’s sandwich was soft from the grease of the egg and Yaz cut the crusts off and the rest of the sandwich into tiny pieces. She had noticed that the internal structures of the Doctor’s mouth seemed to be ok, it was the scars running across her lips and face that were preventing her opening her mouth wide to let food in or close it tightly to keep the food or drink in. She sat beside her and unobtrusively helped her keep her face and lap clean, thankful that there was no one else in the café and even the waitress had disappeared into the back. She added researching facial exercises that could help to her ever increasing list she was finding that she needed to know about and research. But it was going near the top, the Doctor was so thin and weak, being able to eat properly was a top priority.

When they were finished, Yaz encouraged the Doctor to push herself home as far as she could. She managed about half way this time before Yaz took over and pushed her the rest of the way home. When they got back home, the Doctor had gone back to being quiet, she had that look on her face that she always had.

Yaz sat down beside her on the sofa. “Penny for them?” she asked lightly.

The Doctor turned her head as much as she could to look at Yaz. “That girl in the café… she hated me. Did I… Do I know here? Have I hurt her and forgotten?”

Yaz took a breath. It wasn’t what she was expecting. The Doctor might not have understood why she was being stared at and judged but she had felt its effects. Yaz had been hoping that as she had kept her head down so far she hadn’t noticed. Clearly she had.

“She didn’t hate you Doctor, she doesn’t even know you.”

“She might have known me before?”

“No. if she knew you with a different face she wouldn’t have recognised you.”

“I was getting such strange vibes from her… was I just missing the social cues again?”

“No Doctor, you weren’t imagining it. I think she was frightened, not of you as such but of the way you look now. She was scared that she might say the wrong thing and upset you and she was scared that it could happen to her.”

“I was kidnapped by alien slavers to make a profit. I’m the last one of my kind and they knew I would sell for a lot… I don’t think that’s very likely to happen to her? There are more than seven billion other humans” The Doctor broke off confused, struggling to understand what Yaz was getting at.

“I meant, she was frightened by the way you look.” Yaz said gently, not wanting to upset her. “She could see the scars on your face and your leg and thought about how it would make her feel if it was her and she didn’t know how to deal with that.”

The Doctor turned away, a low flush appearing on her cheek.

“She’s wrong you know. These scars, they show that you are strong. They show that you are brave. They show that you fought against something unimaginable and won because you are here, breathing and moving forward with your life. It is an honour to be your friend and she is not worth even thinking about.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found this chapter very difficult to write, I'm not that great at confrontation in real life but I hope it's okay. Also my longest individual chapter yet so Yay!

Yaz was impressed with the Doctor’s ability to physically heal herself. She was responding to the therapies that they were trying much quicker than a human would and had already built enough strength to get herself in and out of the wheelchair or bed. The sofa was proving more of a tricky conquest. Yaz had managed to stop hovering long enough to let her shower on her own providing she was allowed to listen at the door and the door wasn’t locked. She was able to start the process of dressing herself even if she couldn’t manage the tricky zips and buttons and was doing some of her own care of her leg which previously she had refused to touch or even look at. Yaz was so proud of how hard she was working.

Less convincing was her mental state. Yaz knew that she wasn’t sleeping. It wasn’t so much the lack of sleeping itself that was concerning her, she had never needed as much as her human friends, but sometimes when she woke in the night she could hear the Doctor crying. She insisted on going to bed when Yaz did, not wanting to be on her own but didn’t want anything to occupy her. During the day she was pretending everything was fine, trying to be cheerful and chatty but it was a thin façade. When she thought no one was looking, she was drifting off into her own little world. And the more she did talk the less she said.

Yaz had helped her order a wheelchair that was better than Graham’s clunky old one after an incident involving a jolt over a rock and the Doctor nearly falling out of it. It had really frightened her and it had taken Yaz a long time to calm her down enough to go home and she hadn’t gone out in it since.

The Doctor hadn’t mentioned it, and it paled into insignificance with all the other injuries they were dealing with, but Yaz had noticed that the Doctor was having issues with her depth perception now she had only one working eye. She was pretty sure that was why she had crashed into it in the first place as she had been getting much better at controlling the chair.

The two women had been doing research and they had both been surprised to learn that even when the Doctor was strong enough for a prosthetic leg she wouldn’t be able to use one all the time. Especially not when she was as active as she was. Her stump was delicate and would require rest, especially as she had lost it in such traumatic circumstances. And the prosthetic could cause sores which could lead to serious consequences if she continued using the prosthetic. She had already bought some crutches but her burnt arm just wasn’t strong enough to support her yet, not that she hadn’t tried.

Yaz and the Doctor were upstairs, the Doctor had just finished taking care of her stump which she did on her own now and Yaz was halfway through the passive exercises they did on her burns. The splint they had been using seemed to be helping though the Doctor always cried as Yaz threaded her fingers through it as gently as she could. She suspected that underneath, the burns weren’t quite as healed as the Doctor was making out, if they were the light stretch she was applying shouldn’t hurt so much. Uncomfortable maybe, but not extremely painful. And they were doing each routine a minimum of six times per day to take into account the Doctor’s faster healing which seemed to be helping everywhere else.

The doorbell rang and Yaz quickly tightened the traps on the splint and left the Doctor on the bed to get dressed and went downstairs to answer it. She wasn’t expecting anyone, the only person that came to her front door were Ryan and Graham and they now both had a key and let themselves in.

There was a young delivery guy at the door with a large box. Yaz was confused for a moment but smiled when she realised it must be the wheelchair the Doctor had ordered. It was slightly quicker than they were expecting.

She sent a quick text to Ryan and Graham:

**Doc’s chair here. Not sure how she’ll take it.**

**Distract her? Maybe we could go out later, all of us. Give it a test drive.**

**I’ll try, don’t know if she’ll be up for it. Find something low key and accessible and I’ll sound her out. See you later XX**

Yaz slowly brought the box inside and stashed it in the living room. She knew she had only managed to persuade the Doctor to order the wheelchair in the first place because she had been so shaken up by nearly falling out of Graham’s. Now it was here it was anyone’s guess how she might react.

She cautiously climbed the stairs, knocking lightly on the door jamb before letting herself in. The Doctor was in the exact position she had left her in, having clearly given up in frustration at the buttons on the blouse she was wearing.

Yaz was learning that not commenting on her difficulties, especially when they involved something minor, was best and she fastened the buttons quickly without mentioning it while the Doctor looked away mortification written on her face.

“There’s a parcel for you downstairs” Yaz announced cheerfully.

Her head perked up immediately. “The Kerblam Man was here? I love the Kerblam Man!”

“Errr no sorry, Just your regular human delivery driver with a van. No teleports involved.”

“Oh… it’s…” she trailed off as the realisation hit.

“Come on, I haven’t unwrapped it. Let’s go take a look” she encouraged.

The Doctor was refusing to meet her gaze.

“I’m fine up here thanks. Sure its lovely.”

“Ryan and Graham were thinking we could all go out for a bit later. You could test it out. Maybe bowling? You love bowling?”

“No Yaz. Just leave me alone okay?” she was getting angry. But so was Yaz.

“I can’t leave you alone! When I do you cry or you hurt yourself. 3 hours ago you decided not to use the stool in the shower to sit on and once again I found myself cleaning up your blood.”

The Doctor had the grace to look embarrassed by that particular start to their morning. Yaz was glad to see an emotion other than sadness, fear and pain but anger wasn’t necessarily helpful unless it was channelled in the right way.

“It’s… I have spent over 4000 years travelling all of time and space Yaz. I have defeated evil that you can’t even imagine. That… that chair allows me to be defeated by a flight of stairs.” She spat.

“Doctor, that wheelchair means you are not stuck in bed or my couch. At least come take a look.”

“I can’t Yaz. I just don’t want it.”

Yaz knew why she was reluctant. Accepting the wheelchair meant accepting her disability. She was used to being strong, confident and in charge, not defeated by buttons on a shirt but she was so tired of cajoling her into doing everything and she found herself shouting.

“Doctor. This is permanent. I’m sorry but this is your life now. And you have two choices. One, you spend it lying in bed somewhere having some poor sod doing everything for you while you drive them round the twist because you’re as patient and willing to accept help as a two year old. And it won’t be me because that would mean you have quit and the Doctor I know and love wouldn’t quit. Your other option is to come downstairs and try out this chair because I know you don’t want to let this defeat you. You will not spend the rest of your life or regeneration or whatever it is lying in my bed.”

She was so angry she couldn’t stop herself despite the fact that she could see the Doctor was crying again and cowering away from her, curling herself into a protective ball. Protecting herself from Yaz.

Yaz let out a breath. Her voice had been much harsher and louder than she realised but she was so frustrated trying to motivate the Doctor to do anything to move forward. She stood up and stormed back downstairs, trembling slightly. She was livid. With the Doctor yes, but mostly with herself. She shouldn’t have snapped. What was always drilled into her at work? Keep cool. If you lose your temper, they’ve won.

It wasn’t the Doctor’s fault that she was the way she was. She had been through trauma they couldn’t even imagine. Lost everything, her home, her life, her face, her leg. Her brain was struggling to comprehend everything that was going on and according to Yaz’s research a serious trauma like she had been through could cause brain damage in the same way that a massive blow to the head did. Yaz wasn’t convinced that it had caused permanent damage but there was no doubt that _her_ Doctor was well hidden inside the stranger upstairs.

Yaz found herself in her garden. The early morning February sunshine had little warmth and she was soon chilled, but she was reluctant to head back inside. She was ashamed of the way she had spoken to the Doctor. It wasn’t like to lose her cool. She stood there, arms crossed protectively across her chest, staring at the garden, contemplating the oppressive nature of the house should she go back inside.

She jumped violently when a hand touched her shoulder, she wheeled round ready to shout at the Doctor all over again for the stupidity of attempting the stairs for the first time on her own but was stunned to find Graham.

“Where did you come from?” she demanded.

“Arrived about 10 minutes ago.”

“You heard.” It wasn’t a question though he nodded in response.

“Oh Graham, I really messed up. I can’t believe I shouted at her. She looked so frightened.”

Graham wrapped a Grandad arm around her shoulders and steered her onto the bench outside the back door.

“She’s fine Yaz. It’s you I’m worried about.”

“Me? There’s nothing wrong with me other than being a horrendous bitch to my best friend who can’t help being the way she is and being utterly incompetent to help her or do anything for her.” She was crying properly now.

“Yaz, you’re so strong. You’re doing an amazing job with her. You have zero training to deal with someone in her state but look how far she’s come already. Ryan and I are so proud of you. And the Doctor would be too. She’s still in there somewhere. She’s doing her best too cockle.”

“I know she is. It’s just me, I don’t know if I can do it. I yelled at a woman who’s recovering from captivity and torture. What kind of monster does that make me?”

“Don’t even think that Yaz. You are the complete opposite of monstrous. But it’s been weeks and you’ve barely had a break. You’re sleeping on a blow up bed. Why don’t you go out for a bit, I’ll stay with the Doc.”

“I don’t know Graham, she’s only just tolerating you in the room without panicking and crying. She’ll never let you do all the care she needs. And what if she falls? Can you even pick her up? Do you know how to help her eat?”

“Yaz, we’ll be fine. Go out for a bit. Do whatever it is you do to relax. Go on. Don’t want to see you again until at least dinner time. We’ll be fine.”

Yaz dithered. A break. An afternoon free from the responsibility of caring for the Doctor sounded like bliss but the other part of her was thinking how the Doctor would cope if she just left.

“Yaz, go take a break. I’ve got this.”

Yaz hesitated for another moment, gave Graham a quick hug and headed for the front door, only stopping long enough to grab her jacket from the bannister and her purse from the hall table. 

She started walking towards town, her feet slamming into the pavement rapidly as her anger was replaced by guilt. Before she realised where she was headed she was at the corner where the Doctor used to park the TARDIS. She glanced at the spot like she had done every time she was here while the Doctor had been away but was once again disappointed. She let her feet carry her upstairs to her parents flat. She really needed her mum.

It was only as she stood outside her parent’s door that she realised she had forgotten her key though thankfully her mum answered the door straight away.

“Yaz what are you doing here?”

Yaz took one look at her mum and burst into tears. Najia wrapped her arms tightly around her daughter, bewildered at her reaction and led her daughter inside, settling her on the sofa and holding her close, running her fingers through her hair like she used to do when Yaz was a little girl. She murmured nonsense into Yaz’s ear until she stopped crying.

“Sweetheart what’s happened?”

Yaz took a shuddering breath. “It’s the Doctor. All that time I thought she had just gone and left us, she hadn’t. She’d been hurt.” Yaz realised she would have to improvise slightly. Couldn’t exactly tell her mum she had been kidnapped by alien slavers. “She was in hospital for months, no one knew who she was until she regained consciousness. I got a call the day after you left for your holiday. Now she’s back at my place. She’s a wreck. She’s lost her leg and half her face and has PTSD. This morning I was trying to help her and she was being so difficult and I just got so frustrated with her I shouted at her and now I’ve left and I’m the worst person in the whole world.”

Najia tried not to let the shock show on her face.

“Sweetheart, first things first, is she at your house alone? And is she safe?”

“No of course not. I’m not quite that selfish. Graham’s with her but she’s frightened of him and Ryan. All men really. Won’t let anyone other than me near her.”

“All right love, she’s not in any danger if Graham is there.”

“Why didn’t you call us and tell us?”

“I’ve just been so busy taking care of her. I didn’t have time to stop and think and then today I just let it all out. It was cruel.”

“Yaz, I know she’s your friend but she isn’t your responsibility love. You don’t have to do this for her.”

“Yes I do. She has no one else. And she’s more than a friend…” Yaz stopped suddenly when she realised what she had said.

“I know that love, was as plain as anything that first time she came round for tea. Your dad and I have know for a long time by the way, we were just waiting for you to be ready to tell us.”

Yaz was shocked, she had always imagined that her parents would disown her if they ever found out she was in a relationship with a woman.

“We were together but I don’t think she even remembers. She hasn’t mentioned it or given any indication of it. It’s so hard to look at her every day and her not seem to know but she has no family at all. Grew up all over the place so if I don’t look after her then no one else will. And I want to mum.”

“Then it looks like you have your answer darling. She’s safe with Graham, he can call you if he needs you and you need a break so you’re going to stay here while I make dinner and then after dinner you’re going to go home and apologise to the Doctor and everything is going to be OK. And if you or she need anything you’re going to call me and I will help you OK?”

Yaz wrapped her arms around her mum. “Thanks mum, you’re the best you know that?”

“You’re my daughter Yaz. I love you and I’m so proud of you. Just remember that not everything can be fixed.”

“I know but we’re doing our best. I’ll bring her round for tea again when she’s doing better.”

“If she doesn’t like men but you need a break I could always sit with her for a bit.”

“I thought you didn’t like her?”

Najia looked shocked. “I never said I didn’t like her. I think she's a bit strange but I have nothing against the woman. Besides she’s important to you so that makes her important to me too.”

Yaz helped her mum make dinner, the way she used to when she lived at home. Before she met the Doctor and everything changed. It was a catharsis and a time to process things. What she was sure of though is that she was going to go back to the Doctor. She wasn’t leaving her. Not now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, Yaz goes back home to talk to the Doctor


	16. Chapter 16

Yaz let herself back into her house shortly after 7. The break had done her good and she felt calmer and more energised than she had in weeks. Graham was sitting on her sofa watching a quiz show and she could hear Ryan in the kitchen.

“How’s she been?” she asked.

Graham looked back to the TV, turning it off but not answering her question.

“Just tell me Graham. I’m going to have to go upstairs and deal with the fall out so I might as well know.”

“She’s had a hard day love, not gonna lie love. Cried a fair bit. Thinks you’re never coming back. Tried to leave a couple of times because she’d been enough bother. Had to call Ryan when she fell on the floor, my back wouldn’t cope with lifting her. But we got her calmed down. She’s sitting in that arm chair of yours looking for stars through the window. She didn’t want to come down or for me or Ryan to go and sit with her.”

Yaz swallowed, Graham’s words, although he didn’t mean to be unkind, were like a punch to the stomach.

“I would never leave her” she defended.

“I know that cockle. Told her than and all. Lot’s of times, told her you were just taking a break. Go up and see her. Ryan and I will wait down here if you need us but I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

Yaz slowly took off her jacket and hung it up properly in the cupboard, tucking her shoes in neatly too. She was stalling. Slowly, slowly she trailed her feet upstairs and hesitated, knocking gently on the partially closed door. 

“Can I come in?” she asked quietly. The Doctor flicked her eye briefly in her direction but then went back to staring out the window. Yaz took her lack of outright refusal as consent and went in, sitting slowly on the edge of the bed opposite the Doctor.

She took a breath. “I’m sorry Doctor. I shouldn’t have shouted at you and I shouldn’t have said what I said.”

There was a long pause.

“I don’t want to be a burden.” She finally whispered.

“You are not a burden. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that. I was just tired and frustrated and I snapped and that’s not your fault.”

“It is my fault and I am a burden.” She insisted. “You’re tired because you’re looking after me. You’re frustrated with me. I can’t even get out of bed for crying out loud. Fell on the floor when I tried earlier. Couldn’t even get up when Graham tried to help. He had to call Ryan to lift me like a baby…Maybe you shouldn’t have saved me. Maybe I would be better off dead. Not too late you know. Just give me an aspirin and I’ll be on my…”

Yaz felt her head spin slightly. The Doctor could not be saying what she thought she was.

“Don’t even think about finishing that sentence Doctor. You are the biggest champion I know of every life being sacred. That starts with yours. If you are still here when I’m 100 then that will be just fine.”

She made a mental note to remove all drugs from the house. Not in a locked cabinet like they were in now. Out.

Yaz ached to give her a hug but she knew it wouldn’t go down well. Even before, when they had all been travelling together she hadn’t been one for physical contact. She waited out the silence for a few moments before she couldn’t stand it any more, debating whether her next words should be from Yaz the carer, Yaz the cheerleader or Yaz the friend. It was hard juggling so many hats and she couldn’t be all of them at the same time.

She went with Yaz the carer, she could see how uncomfortable the Doctor was which meant it must be bad. She never admitted to hurting. “Are you in pain? I mean more than usual. And don’t lie to me.” The Doctor opened her mouth and shut it again. Yaz knew she had been about to say that she was fine.

“I’ll take that as a yes then. Done any physio today?”

The Doctor lowered her eyes, embarrassed.

“Can I help? Might help your pain if your muscles are contracting, especially in your hip and your hand.”

She could see that the Doctor’s hand was already curling into a fist which she probably had no control over but she nodded her consent and Yaz helped her move over to the bed. She recoiled slightly from Yaz’s touch.

“Do you want me to ask Graham or Ryan to do this instead of me? I can talk them through what to do or go downstairs and you tell them?”

The Doctor hesitated for a moment, not looking at Yaz and nodded. Yaz knew she was going to have to put some serious work into fixing what she had done that morning. She called softly down the stairs and Ryan appeared, looking nervous.

Yaz sat on the chair beside the bed and Ryan stood, looming over the Doctor. Yaz saw her visibly gulp, it was a vulnerable position for her to be in and she knew she wouldn’t like it, especially with his significant height making him seem all the more threatening to her. Obviously her conscious thoughts knew that Ryan would never hurt her but her subconscious was cowering in fear.

“Ryan sit down” she hissed.

A look of realisation crossed his face and he sat down next to her on the bed.

Yaz handed him the splint and told him how to stretch out her fingers over the end and strap them into place. Yaz knew he was uncomfortable touching her now but hoped he could hold himself together. Ryan gingerly picked up her arm and clumsily tried to shove the Doctor’s hand into the splint. It always hurt but with her hand contracting the way it was it was inevitably going to be worse than normal and the Doctor couldn’t stop herself from letting out a scream. Ryan dropped her hand in fright, allowing it to bang hard against the sharp edge of the bedside cabinet. He looked horrified as the Doctor curled in on herself in pain and fright, stuttering apologies.

Yaz jumped up, running to the other side of the bed while the Doctor continued to scream.

“Doctor please, let me look. I don’t think its on right which is why it’s hurting so much.”

The Doctor didn’t answer, only drew her arm in closer, protecting it. Her lips were pursed tightly together, suppressing the scream into more of a groan.

“Doctor, please. I can help. Let me look. I’ll be as fast as I can.”

This time the Doctor uncurled slightly and Yaz extracted her arm as gently as she could. She was right, Ryan had somehow put it on upside down causing her badly burnt fingers to be forced into a massive over stretch and the Velcro straps to become stuck to her burned skin.

Yaz was confident as she pulled the splint off as fast as she could. Ignoring the Doctors cries of pain as she rethreaded her fingers through as quickly as she could. When she was done, the Doctor was breathing hard and Graham had arrived at the door to see what on earth was happening. Yaz gave her a few moments to recover, standing between her and the boys so they wouldn’t see her blotchy, tear-stained face.

Yaz hunched down so she and the Doctor were level. “Better?”

The Doctor nodded miserably.

“Can I work your hip for you? Please?”

The Doctor nodded again in consent, shifting so she was flat on her back and Yaz could manipulate her leg for her.

Satisfied that there was no murder being committed, Ryan and Graham went back downstairs to give them some privacy. For the Doctor it didn’t get better, her faster healing rate was definitely working against her as Yaz could feel the muscles in her leg were considerably more difficult to work than usual, suffering after just one day without exercise. She was pretty sure a humans wouldn’t deteriorate quite so quickly.

When they were finished Yaz knew that Ryan and Graham would have finished cooking and managed to persuade toe Doctor to come downstairs for something to eat. As her mother would say, she wasn’t eating enough to keep a kitten alive and certainly couldn’t afford to skip a meal. Yaz helped the Doctor to sit at the in her usual spot on the sofa and brought her a small bowl of chilli which she only ate a few mouthfuls of. It was pretty much the only thing Ryan could cook well. Ryan and Graham were already in their usual spots on the sofa, watching the TV and they tactfully didn’t mention anything as Yaz sat at the table rather than beside the Doctor like she normally did.

By the time they had all eaten the chilli, Ryan and Graham had squabbled over what movie to watch and they had actually watched the movie it was late. Graham had given up and was snoring, Ryan was texting someone. Yaz was pretty sure he had a girlfriend on the go though he hadn’t mentioned.

Ryan stretched and nudged Graham awake. “Time to get a shift on Grandad” he said, offering a hand to pull him to his feet.

“Need a hand before we go Yaz?” Graham asked pointedly.

Yaz shook her head, appreciating the effort.

“What about you Doc? Can we do anything?”

Yaz excused herself, she wouldn’t blame the Doctor if she didn’t want to be alone with her this evening but didn’t want her to have to say it in front of her. She was relieved when she heard Ryan and Graham call out goodbyes and the front door click shut.

She went back into the living room. The Doctor had twisted on the sofa and was looking at the box the wheelchair had come in. Graham had tactfully stashed it behind the sofa but it was a big box, couldn’t really be hidden well in a small house.

Yaz leant against the wall. “Do you want to open it now?” she asked quietly.

The Doctor didn’t answer. Yaz went into the kitchen and found a Stanley knife and handed it to her, pulling the box back round in front of the sofa so she could reach it.

There was a lot of packaging and by the time they had managed to free the wheelchair the room looked like a snow storm had gone off. It wasn’t assembled and although the Doctor was holding the instructions Yaz noticed that she didn’t seem to be able to read them. Her face was scrunched the way it always did when she was thinking or confused.

“Doctor do you wear glasses?” asked Yaz.

“I don’t know. I did when I was a man. Haven’t really checked. Haven’t tried to read anything this small either though.”

Yaz took the instructions and read them out loud, helping the Doctor snap the wheels to the frame and insert the side bars that would help her keep her balance. It was a big improvement on the one Graham had lent them that was for sure, Yaz was impressed. Firm cushion to sit on, supportive back rest, custom designed for her measurements, tucked in foot bar rather than the big, ugly plates and all encased in an ultra light weight, Tardis blue frame.

“How about tomorrow you and me go into town. Get you an eye test. Some clothes of your own. Have some lunch, give your chair a test run. Tomorrow is a Tuesday, town should be quiet.”

The Doctor looked at Yaz, considering. “Yes, that’s fine.”

She didn’t sound too sure but Yaz would take what she could get at this point as she helped her up the stairs to get ready for bed.

When the Doctor was settled Yaz came back down the stairs to clear up the mess from the packaging. Some how the little polystyrene balls had got everywhere, all over the floor, under the cushions, even out into the hallway and in the kitchen. Yaz worked as quickly as she could. All she wanted to do was draw the line under what had been an awful day.


	17. Chapter 17

The next morning Yaz was relieved to see the weather had cheered up. She suspected the Doctor would be more willing to still go out if the weather was sunny. Especially as in the wheelchair she got wetter than anyone else.

Yaz noticed that as they went through their usual morning routine the Doctor seemed to be stalling. She wasn’t being unhelpful as such but she wasn’t doing what she could for herself either.

“It’s ok to be nervous you know” said Yaz conversationally.

“Nervous? Why would I be nervous? It’s just Sheffield. I can do Sheffield.”

“I know you can, I wouldn’t have suggested it if I didn’t think you could do it. I’ll be right with you Doctor, the whole time.”

Yaz meant it too. She had already phoned Specsavers to make the appointment, she knew adults usually went in on their own but she had explained the circumstances and they were happy to oblige.

Yaz helped the Doctor dress in her usual sweats and soft top and put on her own customary jeans and leather jacket.

Downstairs Yaz helped the Doctor into the wheelchair. Somehow she looked considerably less disabled sitting in the custom built chair than she had in Grahams. She looked more comfortable too as the backrest forced her to sit up straight. Yaz pointed out the lap belt and how to use the breaks, slung her bag over her shoulders and they were off.

Yaz smiled at her. “You look good.”

The Doctor and Yaz had walked down past the river several times over the past weeks and the Doctor always found it tough going despite the largely smooth and flat path. Their pace was usually snail like as the Doctor struggled to grip the hand rims to turn the wheels and the physical strength to do so, so the difference in pace today was remarkable. Yaz was able to strike a more normal walking pace beside her friend, a combination of the considerably lighter wheelchair and the extra fat hand rims to hold were clearly making a difference. The Doctor managed to get herself all the way to the outskirts of the town before she tired and Yaz took over. The furthest she had gone yet.

“If you like, we can get the bus back?”

“Ooh I love buses. At least I think I do. Last time I was on a bus it ended up on a dead planet called San Helios. I like trains too.”

“I remember but I think we should go through the door this time rather than the ceiling.” Graham had described how she had literally crashed through the roof of the train having fallen through the atmosphere and bobbed up without a scratch.

Yaz was relieved that the Specsavers seemed to be pretty empty. She hadn’t missed the pitying glances that people kept sending the Doctors way as they moved through the streets. She was sure the Doctor saw them too, but she didn’t mention it. Yaz gave the Doctors shoulder a reassuring squeeze and took her into the opticians, nodding her thanks at the woman behind the desk who had come out to open the door for them.

They had to wait for a few minutes and Yaz could practically see the Doctor’s anxiety radiating off of her and she held her hand reassuringly.

The Doctor was could feel the anxiety building up in her chest and she grabbed at Yaz’s offered hand like a life ring and concentrated on it like Yaz had shown her, trying not to think about sitting in a dark room with a stranger who would be in her personal space touching her, even if Yaz was there. Yaz would never let anything happen to her.

Thankfully she wasn’t left to her panic for long and the optician bustled out. She was an older woman with grey hair pulled into a bun and a matronly air who introduced herself as Eleanor. She was good, she could see how anxious the Doctor was and worked hard to put her at ease.

Eleanor talked the Doctor through every step of what she was doing and Yaz was able to hold her hand the entire way through the exam. Yaz was surprised when she offered to look at the Doctor’s damaged eye and even more surprised when the Doctor consented. Yaz hadn’t seen it before and had to fight a wave of nausea as she saw the ruined mess that had once been an eye socket. Eleanor didn’t pass comment but did recommend that she should cover it with a patch at least part of the time.

Yaz sat back patiently and allowed the optician, to help the Doctor choose a very nerdy pair of wire rimmed glasses and showed her the adaptations they could make to keep them on her face with only one ear and a bit.

When they were finished, Yaz thanked Eleanor profusely. She had been extremely kind and tolerant with a very difficult patient. The Doctor hadn’t even spoken to her most of the time, answering with nods and shakes but Eleanor had persisted in a calm manor, drawing her out of herself.

Outside Specsavers, Yaz tucked the collection slip into her bag. “Lunch or clothes first?” she asked positively, keen to put the difficult opticians visit behind them.

“Clothes. Yours are fine Yaz but they’re not really my style.”

Yaz snorted. She didn’t know anyone over the age of six who had the Doctor’s sense of style.

“Where do you want to start? Last time we took you shopping we went to the charity shops but if you can think of anywhere else you would rather go then that’s fine too. We can go wherever you like.”

“I liked that shop we went to before. That’s where I got my coat.”

“Sure we can start there. Not sure there’s another coat like that one but I’m sure we can find you something just as good.”

In the charity shop, Yaz was impressed at how enthusiastically the Doctor threw herself into the process. It was a shadow of her former self, but it was the most enthusiastic she had been about anything since she had appeared in her garden. Yaz couldn’t believe that it was now nearly a month ago.

Between the two of them, they came up with armloads of clothes to try on. Thankfully, the changing room was as spacious as she remembered and she, the Doctor and the wheelchair were all able to fit in the space even with the armful of clothes with enough room to move around.

Yaz got a strange sense of dejá vu as the Doctor discarded outfit after outfit. Some weren’t practical with her leg, some of the tops hurt the burnt skin on her arm and chest, others she didn’t think would be comfortable when she as was still spending most of her days sitting. She certainly wasn’t about to wear a dress or a skirt and some things she plain didn’t like.

The Doctor sighed in frustration. “Come on Doctor, we can try the next shop” Yaz reassured her, putting the last few bits back on hangers so they could be returned to their rails.

As they prepared to leave the shop, a young man walked in with a bag, leaving it on the side for donation. It was so full that clothes were spilling out over the top and the Doctor made a bee line for it. It took her a moment to catch up but when she did, Yaz saw the same thing the Doctor had spotted. A familiar wine coloured, soft, cotton t-shirt with a rainbow across the chest. The Doctor had picked it up and was holding it out to Yaz delightedly.

“I cannot believe you found another one of those t-shirts.” Said Yaz, rolling her eyes in disbelief. But she was delighted, happier than Yaz had seen her since they were last on the TARDIS together.

The young man with the bag looked bemused about their excitement over a faded old t-shirt that was slightly bally but dug through the bag, fishing out another 4 in a variety of colours. Yaz thought the Doctor looked like she might cry with happiness over a few t-shirts. She tried not to feel offended. She hadn’t seen her smile in weeks. Everything she was doing and usually all that happened was that the Doctor cried in pain or anger or frustration or lashed out or refused to look at her at all. Now she was almost sobbing over a few lousy t-shirts.

The Doctor thrust the t-shirts into Yaz’s arms and spun round in her chair, taking herself back over to their pile of discarded trousers and rooting through until she found what she was looking for, a pair of royal blue bootleg trousers. They had a soft elastic waistband and a single button at the front. She added them to the pile in Yaz’s hands and selected a pair of boots that she had also previously discarded. They were nice, similar to the ones she had lost but short so they wouldn’t interfere with a prosthetic leg when she got one.

Yaz followed her over to the rails of jackets. She didn’t like to point out that a coat similar to the long one she used to wear would get all caught up in her new wheels and was relieved when the Doctor pulled out a short jacket that was a warm lilac-blue colour, like a deeper version of the one she had lost. Yaz was glad they hadn’t found a matching one to it as well. She didn’t think she would ever forget pulling bits of that coat out of the Doctor’s burnt skin when she had first arrived. She shivered, the memory making her feel sick and somehow both too hot and too cold.

“Yaz?” the Doctor had reached out and touched her wrist, a look of concern.

Yaz shook the image from her mind and flashed the Doctor what she hoped was a reassuring smile. “I’m fine Doctor, do you have everything you want?”

The Doctor didn’t look convinced, her face scrunched in the look that had always made Yaz melt a little inside but she had clearly decided to let it go.

Yaz took her to the counter and the young volunteer folded all of their purchases into a bag. Yaz could tell she was uncomfortable as she studiously avoided looking at the Doctor. She looked like she was going to be sick when the Doctor asked Yaz in a loud whisper if having one leg meant she got a 50% discount on shoes from now on. Yaz snorted loudly, she wasn’t sure if the Doctor had said it on purpose or not but either way it was funny.

A little while later, the Doctor and Yaz were sitting opposite each other in a quiet corner of a small pizzeria, a large cheese pizza and garlic bread between them on the table.

“What happened to you in the shop Yaz?” the Doctor asked.

Yaz had hoped she had forgotten.

“I was just thinking.”

“About what?”

Damn she was persistent.

“Nothing important. It’s nothing Doctor, don’t worry about it.”

“It’s not nothing. You’re upset just thinking about it. Tell me. Please.”

“It was looking at those jackets. I was thinking about when we first found you in the garden. You were so badly hurt but you were so dirty we couldn’t even tell how bad. I had you in the shower. There were bits of your coat melted into your arm and face and I had to pull them out. All I could think about was how much I was hurting you.”

The Doctor reached out and grabbed her hand.

“Yaz I was unconscious. I didn’t feel it.”

“You said you could remember stuff.”

“I do. But it’s a memory. I remember that it hurt but I can’t feel it now and I didn’t feel it then.”

“I felt like I was torturing you.”

“I’m so sorry you were in that position Yaz. I never meant for that to happen.”

“Please don’t apologise. I just wish I could have done more to help.”

“Yasmin Khan. You have done everything you could possibly have done. It wasn’t fair of me to land in your garden like that. I fell into your garden because I had been thinking of you. But I thought I was going to die. It was the thought of you that kept me going that whole time.”

“Don’t you dare say it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair on me but it was far more unfair on you because it happened to you."

The Doctor ate another slice of pizza thoughtfully, chewing slowly.

“Yaz…before… we were together, weren’t we?”

Yaz looked up from the cold slice of pizza that was now congealing on her plate.

“I didn’t think you remembered.” She whispered.

“How could I ever forget you? My Yaz. I love you... But I just don’t think I can go back to that yet. I’m sorry. I’m not ready. I…”

“Doctor, calm down. I don’t expect us to just pick up where we left off. You continue doing everything you can to get better. I’ll continue helping you. We’ll both stay friends and we’ll see where we end up, ok?”

The Doctor visibly sagged with relief and Yaz wondered how long she had been wanting to have this conversation.

“You know, my mum and dad invited us for tea tomorrow night, what do you think?” Yaz commented, changing the subject.

“Tea at Yaz’s? Definitely. Love tea at Yaz’s.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, the Doctor opens up and tells Yaz what actually happened. Stay tuned!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor is going to talk about what happened to her.
> 
> Major trigger warnings for rape, trauma, torture, captivity. Don't read if you think this chapter will upset you, you will be able to pick it up again next chapter.

The following morning Yaz woke up to a strange snuffling sound. It took her a moment to realise the Doctor was crying with a pillow pressed against her face so Yaz wouldn’t hear.

“Doctor?” she asked tentatively. The sounds stopped and the air stilled as if the Doctor had frozen on the spot to pretend that she was sleeping.

Yaz wasn’t sure what time it was but it was still dark. She slid out of bed and eased herself in beside the Doctor, reaching out for her hand.

The Doctor took her hand and squeezed it back. Yaz took it as an invitation, she moved over and pulled the Doctor in gently, wrapping her arms around her. She kept the duvet between them, both to stress their friendship but also because the Doctor’s low body temperature wrapped only in cotton PJs made it feel like she was cuddling an ice cube.

“Hey, what’s happened?” she soothed.

The Doctor didn’t reply but continued to cry into the pillow. Yaz gently removed it from her face.

“You don’t ever have to hide how you’re feeling from me” she said gently and stroked the Doctor’s head gently. She didn’t move. Yaz didn’t know how to reach her, she was so sad and so vulnerable.

“Doctor, are you in pain?” Yaz asked quietly, despite the fact that there was no one else to disturb. She meant physically, the emotional pain was obvious.

The Doctor stiffened in her arms but didn’t respond.

“I’ll take that as a yes” said Yaz. “Is that why you’re crying?”

The Doctor shook her head.

Communication was good. It was non-verbal but it was something. Meant that the channels were open.

“Can I do anything to help you with the pain? Massage? Stretch? Something else?”

The Doctor shook her head again.

“Doctor” Yaz’s tone was more direct. “I want you to promise me that if there is something I can do to help you with the pain you’re in, you’ll tell me what it is?”

The Doctor nodded this time, Yaz suspected it was because she didn’t want to lie to her outright. The Doctor had never been good at sharing when she was hurt. But it was also frustrating that the Doctor wouldn’t talk at all. Yaz didn’t expect her to ramble on cheerfully the way she used to but the silence was just eerie.

“Doctor, tell me why you’re crying. I know it won’t make it go away but you always talk your problems out loud when you’re working. It can help you process stuff. I hate to see you so sad.”

She was surprised when the Doctor answered.

“I can’t tell you Yaz. I don’t want you to know that about me... I’m so ashamed.”

“You have nothing to be ashamed of Doctor. Nothing. What happened was not your fault. Don’t you dare think that. And you can tell me anything. Always. You don’t have to talk to me, you know I won’t force you, but it might help.”

“I don’t want you to think of me that way.” She whispered.

“Doctor, I could never think of you as anything other than strong, passionate, immensely good and unfailingly kind. Nothing you say could change my opinion of you.”

“You barely know me at all if you think that. If you knew…”

“Then tell me. I will love you just the same. I will still think of you the same way. I promise.”

There was a pause and Yaz was reluctant to break it. She was pretty sure the Doctor was mulling over her options, trying to decide what to do. Or how to make Yaz go away.

The Doctor took a deep breath. “I was right after I left you. I didn’t want to be on my own so I decided to skip straight forward to when I was supposed to be meeting you. But the TARDIS doesn’t like short hops. And there was a distress call so she took me there instead. I didn’t ask her to but I didn’t stop her either. It was a planet called Khorsh but it was a trap, they wanted to lure people in. And I just had to go and help. God, I was so stupid. I fell for it.”

Yaz could hear the regret dripping from that sentence.

“They experimented on me. Made me run until I passed out, poisoned me to see how my body would react, almost drowned me to see if my respiratory bypass system would kick in. They got so excited when they realised they had caught a Timelord. The last but one in existence. And in female form. There would be no higher price than that.”

Yaz stored that piece of info in her head for a later time, it was the first time the Doctor had told her what species she was. But now wasn’t the time to question it.

“I was taken to a ship. A slave ship. They had designed a cage just for me. My own personal hell. They drugged me so I couldn’t fight back, couldn’t even think most of the time, like my brain had leaked out or something. When I woke up there were chains. On my neck. My wrists. My ankles. I couldn’t move. I tried to fight so they drugged me more. Again and again. I don’t know what it was, but it made me hallucinate. I could see you. You said terrible things. I could see everything I had lost. Had to relive every decision and it’s consequences that I’ve made.”

Yaz could feel the Doctor trembling violently beneath her arms and she wrapped her in tighter. She didn’t want to speak and interrupt what the Doctor was saying. But she didn’t want to hear it either.

“They advertised me across the universe apparently. One of the guards told me, then he said he had to get his turn before I was sold on. He wanted to go home and brag.”

She didn’t explain what she meant and Yaz didn’t ask. She didn’t need to. And the Doctor kept going, relentless now.

“They were holding an auction. To sell me to the highest bidder. They brought people to see me. All races. I was naked and dirty and chained to the floor but I wasn’t drugged anymore. They watched me. Touched me. Some of them got the try before you buy experience. So many men forced me Yaz. They did so many disgusting things. And I couldn’t stop them. And the worst thing? I knew it wouldn’t have been happening if I was still a man. I’ve been captured loads of times, all sorts of species. And no one ever tried to do that to me before.”

Yaz was struggling not to cry. She had to be strong for the Doctor. She had tried not to speculate but it was so much worse than she could have imagined.

“They sold me to a species called the Mhusfeist. I fought them once. And won. Long time ago but they have long memories. They wanted pay back for what I had done. They used me. Every day. They kept me in a cell. They threatened me. They had been following me for a while, knew who you were. Told me if I escaped they would come and get you and do what they were doing to me to you instead. I couldn’t let that happen to you Yaz.”

Yaz felt like she was barely breathing. Scared that if she made a twitch or a sound, the Doctor would come out of what was almost a trance like state now and stop talking.

“I was naked and cold all the time. And there were so many men. I got sick. Really sick. But I knew it could be my chance and I made myself get sicker. The Mhusfeist don’t like sickness. Spoils their rituals. They took me back to the ship. Wanted their money back, said I was damaged goods. I was back on the ship then. I don’t know how but they knew. Knew that I had made myself sick. They put me back in the cell with the chains. Wouldn’t let me eat or sleep. I don’t need them in the same way humans do but I can’t be without them entirely. They tortured me. Used my own telepathy against me. They were mad. I made them so angry. They lost their money and wanted revenge, said I had to pay them back.”

Yaz added the telepathy to the list of things she needed to ask the Doctor about when she was in a less fragile state.

“I became their toy. Or their guinea-pig. They used me to find new ways of torturing the other slaves. But then someone let him know I was there. I don’t know how he knew. But he came for me. The Master. Told them he wanted to buy me. Sold them some story of revenge. But before he came for me they had one last way to humiliate me. They let a Grofrair to come in. It was him I bit. He sprayed me with the acid. I’ve never felt pain like that before, worse than regenerating. I could feel it eating my eye and my skin. Felt what used to be my ear come sliding down my neck.”

Yaz was now having to fight back the nausea. How had she come through this and was still able to tell the tale?

“I was in so much pain I don’t really know what happened next. The Master dragged me out by the feet. Along the corridor like I was a heavy sack. They liked that, the Mhusfeist. One last humiliation for them to watch. I was in his TARDIS. I don’t remember much. He just dumped me on the floor. It was cold. That’s where I got the scar down my chest, there was glass on the floor. He always was messy, ever since we were kids. When we got close he said to me that only he got to torture me and he would be back to collect my debt. I was hurting so much I couldn’t move. He Connected with me telepathically and he saw the state I was in and he laughed. Said it didn’t look like I was ever going to be able to pay back that debt and I could go and die in someone else’s home, he didn’t want a body to deal with. I was trying to think of you, it was comforting. He must have latched on to that which is why he came here.”

Now Yaz was angry. She had been rescued by Oh, her oldest friend or best enemy who had abandoned her to die with relative strangers as far as he was concerned. He could have taken her somewhere that could have actually healed her instead of what they had managed. But the Doctor wasn’t finished.

“Then he pushed me out. Didn’t even stop. That’s how I broke my leg the night you found me. In the fall. And then you were here. You found me. I thought I was going to die in your garden. I was so cold. But I couldn’t make myself speak out loud. I tried really hard but I just couldn’t do it. I tried to call you telepathically but we had never linked before so it didn’t work. So I just thought about you. It was nice. But then you came anyway. You carried me in from the garden and I let go. I knew I was safe.”

The Doctor’s voice was hoarse from talking and she was still shaking.

Yaz couldn’t hold it in anymore. “I will always come for you Doctor. Always. You’re safe now. No one is going to hurt you.”

Yaz had tears dripping steadily down her cheeks but she managed to keep her voice steady. “I’m going to get you some water” she whispered, excusing herself. She had to stop herself from running to the bathroom where she was violently sick, again and again until there was nothing left. She brushed her teeth and got two glasses of water from the kitchen, bringing them back upstairs.

She tucked the Doctor in as close as she could, no longer separating them with the duvet and ignoring the instant chill that settled over her.

The Doctor was still trembling and Yaz wished she had the right words to say. Or some knowledge to help her in this situation. But she knew there was nothing she could do or say to make the Doctor feel better. All she could do was be there for her. She lay in the bed beside the Doctor, holding her tightly, rubbing her arm gently and whispering to her soothingly. Neither of them said anything for a long time until the Doctor spoke again.

“Yaz? Please don’t hate me.”

Yaz sat up and helped the Doctor roll over.

“Doctor, listen to me and understand. I do not hate you. I didn’t hate you before you told me that. I don’t hate you now. I love you so much, you are my best friend and I cannot begin to tell you how proud I am of you. Just by being alive right now you are saying ‘screw you’. And fighting the way you are to recover? That is screaming it in their face.”

“The Mhusfeist don’t have faces.”

“Doctor that is not the point and you know it.”

“I know. Trying to make a joke. Clearly it failed.”

“Your small talk always did need work” said Yaz affectionately with a small smile.

She relaxed back into the bed, taking the Doctor back into her arms. This time, the Doctor held on tight. The tense atmosphere had dissipated somewhat, filled with one of sadness and trust. Hopefully though, now she had said it out loud real, true healing could begin to take place.

Yaz subtly lifted her phone and sent her parents a text. Somehow, she didn’t think she and the Doctor would be making it for tea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was hard to write, I don't do well with emotion on my own so trying to write someone elses was tough. Hopefully its answered some questions if you're still with me.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor experiences some of the mental fall-out from what has happened.

It was to be nearly two weeks before Yaz and the Doctor made it to her parent’s house for tea and the weeks in between had been hard. For Yaz. For the Doctor. For Graham and Ryan. Rather than helping her, the Doctor reliving the experience for Yaz seemed to have made her significantly worse. For ten days she had laid in Yaz’s bed, virtually catatonic. 

She hadn’t moved unless one of Yaz, Ryan or Graham had physically moved her. She hadn’t said a word. Hadn’t properly slept. Hadn’t eaten. It was like she had gone into total mental shut down. Yaz, Ryan and Graham had started sitting with her in shifts so she wasn’t alone. None of them said it but they were all worried that if she wasn’t watched she would reanimate and hurt herself. They tried to entice her to eat or speak or move. Or do anything really that proved she was still alive. When she was awake she was either staring blankly in whatever direction she had been put in or crying silently. On the rare occasions she slept, she soon woke herself up screaming.

There had been many hushed conversations between them about her rapidly declining mental state. A human in this state would almost certainly be sectioned in a psychiatric hospital and drugged up to the eyeballs, neither of which was an option for the Doctor. Graham even held his tongue long enough to speak to Martha again but she had proved to be no help at all and hadn’t been willing to come back, claiming she couldn’t leave her mother.

During her shifts, Yaz held the Doctor tightly, propping her up against her chest and wrapping her arms and legs around her, trying to anchor her back to reality. She read to her, Yaz had always had a soft spot for the classics. Tolstoy, Dickens, the Bronte sisters. She read a bit of them all as she sat with her. Longing for the Doctor to pipe in with a ridiculously off the wall story about how she had co-authored with Tolstoy or was actually one of the Bronte sisters or had fought ghosts with Dickens. Anything really.

They were settling into an uneasy routine. In the evenings Yaz would dress the Doctor into clean pyjamas and sit with her over night. In the morning she would dress her again and then either Ryan or Graham would take over the vigil while she slept.

Dressing her made Yaz uncomfortable. It was one thing when she had been unconscious and known nothing about it but it was quite another now she was presumably fully aware of what was happening, either unable or unwilling to participate. It wasn’t like the Doctor was in any position to care if her pyjamas were clean or not but Yaz knew how proud she was, she wouldn’t want to be left to lie in the same smelly pyjamas for days on end.

Yaz had told Ryan and Graham the bare bones of what had happened to her. Namely that their suspicions were correct before and that the Doctor had confided in her. She wasn’t willing to go into more detail, it was the Doctor’s story to tell if and when she chose to and Yaz would never break that trust. But she did politely ask that they sit on a chair beside the bed rather than on it with her the way she did. They had agreed silently with sad eyes and understanding nods.

Ryan and Graham both kept repeating their offer to do more but there was so little any of them could do. After what the Doctor had told her there was no way Yaz would give them permission to do anything personal for her. That was her permission alone to give. But they were doing all the housework and cooking which was helpful and they were also driving her over to her mums to give her a break and a sleep in a real bed rather than the sofa.

It was on the evening of the tenth day, Yaz was changing the Doctor’s pyjamas for her. She was lying, curled up in a tight ball, tears leaking from her eyes again when Yaz noticed it. The cuts in her wrist. It looked like the Doctor had repeatedly been digging her nails into her skin, again and again, until there were deep welts up and down her arm. Yaz wasn’t sure how she had managed to do that when she was literally watched 24 hours a day.

Yaz groaned and gently held her friends wrist for a closer look.

“Oh Doctor, what are we going to do with you?” she sighed, heading into the bathroom for the First Aid supplies. She didn’t even flinch as Yaz cleaned out the deep cuts with anti-septic, carefully bandaged them and then trimmed her nails as short as she could get them to stop it happening again. The Doctor watched what she was doing as if it was something vaguely interesting on the television rather than fixing the harm she had inflicted on herself.

She finished putting on the Doctor’s pyjamas for her and tucked her back into bed, lying on her side facing the door, trying not to look at how much more weight her friend had lost, all her ribs were now clearly visible.

Reasonably sure that she was safe, Yaz went downstairs. She needed a break before she could start her watch. Ryan took one look at her face and stood up to greet her, wrapping his arms around her and leading her to the sofa. Neither of them noticed Graham slip upstairs behind them.

Graham knew depression. God did he know how it wrapped your mind and your heart in its grasp, relentless and suffocating. He had struggled during his chemo. Grace had been his light that got him through the darkness. Always patient and loving. But also able to give him a good kick up the backside when he needed it. Which was exactly what he had planned. They had done the softly softly approach. They had given her time. But things couldn’t continue the way they were. She was killing herself and the three of them were barely hanging in.

He remembered lying on the sofa, much in the same position the Doctor was in now. He hadn’t washed for days and had only had a few cups of tea here and there when Grace decided enough was enough. She had given him a hell of a talking to. At the time he had just wanted her to go away, hated her even, but in hindsight it was exactly what he had needed.

Looking at the Doctor through the door was enough to break Graham’s heart before he had even started. It was like there was nothing left of her as she lay in the bed. Clean pyjamas only thanks to Yaz but her hair was limp and greasy round her face, her skin almost translucent with huge purply-grey smudges under her eyes. And she looked so tiny and frail.

Graham walked into the room confidently than he felt and sat down on the chair that lived opposite the bed these days. He tried not to be hurt by the visible flinch she gave when she realised it was him.

“Doc, this has gotta stop love. It’s not helping you. I know it’s hard, but you’ve got to get out of this bed and make an effort.”

The Doctor didn’t move but she had to be able to hear him unless she had some weird alien trick to turn off her hearing at will so Graham ploughed on.

“We all love you Doc and we know you’re trying your best. But you’ve gotta think how to move forward. Yaz is down there crying her eyes out. She cares so much. You’re not just hurting yourself, you’re hurting her too. I don’t want you to feel guilty. I just want you to think about what we can do to help you move forward. Because you can’t stay like this. You’re going to end up killing yourself love.”

He paused, letting his words sink in. He knew she was listening because she had started to cry again though she was still staring, unseeing at the wall.

“We will do anything we can to help you Doc. You tell us what you need and we’ll do it. No matter what. We’re with you 100%. And I know it doesn’t feel like it now. But this won’t go on forever. I promise. One day at a time love.”

The Doctor didn’t respond as such. But she made eye contact with Graham and shifted somewhat, tensing slightly.

“I know Yaz has been sitting with you at night love and giving you her special cuddles but Ryan is taking her home to sleep in a real bed overnight. She’s exhausted. I’m gonna stay with you but I’ll stay right here in this chair. If you want anything you just let me know.”

Graham picked up the newspaper he had brought up with him and opened it, deliberately placing it so the Doctor had a bit of privacy, she was clearly wrestling with some strong emotions as she continued to cry, her face twisting.

The Doctor continued to cry, gasping slightly for breath. Graham shifted slightly and put one hand on the bed which the Doctor grasped like a lifeline but he continued to read his paper. He had said his piece and the next steps were up to her.

Yaz had had her first good nights sleep in a bed, at night, for weeks and felt refreshed the next morning. She arrived home and went straight upstairs. Graham had gone and Ryan was in the bedroom changing the sheets. The Doctor was nowhere to be seen.

“Where is she?” whispered Yaz.

“Downstairs. She wanted tea and I told her she had to wait or make it herself. She showered and dressed herself this morning too.”

“Seriously? What happened last night?”

“No idea, Graham talked to her. Don’t know what he said.”

Yaz was very surprised when she went quietly downstairs to find the Doctor standing in the kitchen, using the crutches and counter for balance as she made a cup of tea. She was weak and wobbling all over the place but she was up.

Yaz could see the moment she realised that she couldn’t carry the cup of tea she had just made and use her crutches at the same time. Her entire back went stiff and she picked up the dis cloth and threw it across the room in anger.

She turned around with a look of determination on her face that was almost Doctor-ish and went to the living room where her wheelchair was. She sat down, leaving the crutches leaning against the wall and going back to the kitchen to collect the tea.

Yaz silently retreated back up the stairs and came down them again noisily so the Doctor wouldn’t know she had been spying on her.

“Morning Doctor!” she said cheerfully, touched when the Doctor slid a second cup of tea across the table towards her.

The air was awkward. What do you say to the woman who has been lying in bed for more than a week, too depressed to move or talk and yet had suddenly made you tea? Yaz sipped said tea for something to do, regretting it instantly as it tasted closer to treacle than tea. She had forgotten rule number one of dining with the Doctor. Never let her cook. Ever. Not even tea.

The Doctor cleared her throat, clearly feeling the awkwardness too.

“I’m sorry Yaz.” She whispered, staring at her own mug.

“It’s fine.”

“No it isn’t. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like I don’t even have the energy to exist anymore.”

“You’re depressed Doctor. It happens, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. After what you’ve been through I would be more concerned if you weren’t having a mental fall out.”

“I’ve had ‘fall out’ as you put it before. But never like this. I used to be so angry. A long time ago, when I had big ears. I was Northern then too. It was terrifying.”

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of. But I want you to promise me you won’t hurt yourself.”

The Doctor looked up, surprised.

“When I was 16 I was being bullied. You know that already. What I didn’t tell you was that it got so bad I just wanted to end it. So I packed a bag and I left. I walked for hours, to this place where we used to go for picnics as kids. I had the contents of my parents medicine cabinet in my bag. I wanted to kill myself. But Sonya called the police, she came home early and found my note. She saved my life and I am so grateful because if she hadn’t I would never have met you.”

Yaz held her mug close, savouring its warmth. She had never told anyone that before.

“I won’t hurt myself Yaz.” The Doctor finally promised.

They both took another sip of their tea.

“I have some errands to run today, will you come with me? I bet when we’re done I could find us a café that sells fried egg sandwiches.”

They took the morning slowly, calling in at the bank, dropping off some paperwork at the police station, collecting the Doctor’s glasses and getting some shopping. True to her word, Yaz found a café that made Fried Egg sandwiches and bought the Doctor two. If anyone ever needed fattening up it was her. And Yaz had something else she needed to talk to her about. She gave the Doctor time to eat and then dug in her handbag for the letter that had arrived that morning addressed to Dr. Jane Smith. She handed it over.

The Doctor looked at it confused. “What is it?”

“Open it and find out.”

“When I need a name on earth I always go by John Smith.”

“I know. You told me. I didn’t think it was appropriate anymore.”

“Oh right… yeah. Not a man.” She opened the envelope and put it on the table and Yaz handed her the glasses case they had collected that morning so she could read the letter on her own.

Yaz watched her without interrupting. She read the letter several times, her face scrunched in confusion. After the Doctor told her how much she had been drugged Yaz couldn’t help but wonder if they had had some lasting effects on her mental capacity, she really didn’t cope with new information well. But on the other hand it could be a side effect of the Depression, Anxiety and PTSD she was struggling with.

“Doctor do you understand what the letter is about?”

“It’s an appointment. For me.”

“Yes it is. Do you know what the appointment is for?”

“An initial fitting and assessment with Dave. Who’s Dave? Why does he need a fitting?”

“Dave is a prosthetist. He can build you a prosthetic leg so you can walk on your own again. But only if you want him to. We don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with. Just think about it okay?”

“I’ll think about it.” She agreed quietly.

When they were finished, they took their usual walk down by the river. Yaz was enjoying the warmer air around them, the blossom beginning to show itself on the trees and the birds that was singing. It was peaceful and she hoped the Doctor was feeling some of it too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things start to get slightly more positive after this. Healing isn't linear so don't expect sunshine and rainbows but maybe the sun is poking through the cloud cover?


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor goes for a fitting for her new leg :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Schools been shut for the rest of the week due to Corona Virus even though no ones sick so you might get an extra update!

The Doctor and Yaz were in the kitchen. The Doctor was washing the dishes they had neglected the night before, leaning against the work top for balance while Yaz dried and put away.

“I had a look at those leaflets you left me” the Doctor said shyly.

“Oh yeah?” Yaz kept her tone deliberately calm.

“I think I’m ready for that appointment now.”

“Really? That’s great…”, she paused looking at her uneasily “but you do remember that it’s today don’t you? You hadn’t mentioned it but I didn’t want to cancel it.”

“Were you going to tell me?”

“Doctor it’s on the calendar that you look at every morning. I thought you knew.” said Yaz, concern lacing her voice.

The Doctor balked slightly. “I suppose I lost track of the days…When would we have to leave?”

Yaz continued to look at her worriedly. “It’s a couple of hours drive. There are only three centres in England but we have time for breakfast. I was going to make French Toast, you want some?”

“Oh… I’m not that hungry Yaz. Just tea is fine.”

“Just a little Doctor, please. You haven’t eaten anything other than two mouthfuls of a sandwich for weeks.”

“I don’t need to eat the way you do.” Her voice was panicked.

Yaz put down the plate she was drying and turned to look at the Doctor. The Doctor shrank away from her and Yaz took a step back, seeing she was right on edge. “I know you don’t. But you do need to eat something. And I don’t want to make personal remarks but I help you get dressed in the morning. I can count your ribs and the vertebrae in your spine. Please eat something. I’ll make you whatever you want as long as it comes from earth.” Her tone was soft, reassuring.

“I don’t want…. I…. I can’t…” she was really panicking now, wavering on her foot and Yaz helped her sit on one of the bar stools, leaning over the counter.

“I know eating is hard for you right now Doctor but it won’t get better by avoiding it. And you can’t just not eat.”

“I need my food cut like a baby to stop it dribbling out of my mouth and I can’t even cut it myself Yaz. It’s humiliating” she spat, her words harsh and angry.

Yaz took a step back, intimidated and the Doctor instantly regretted her words. The mood swings were hard to deal with.

“Maybe one piece” she acquiesced, feeling ashamed.

Yaz whipped up the toast as fast as she could, not wanting the Doctor to change her mind. She added extra sugar and a touch of cinnamon, hoping to tempt the Doctor into eating more than a few mouthfuls. Her sweet tooth could be insatiable. She was pleasantly surprised when the Doctor actually ate two full slices. It took her a long time but she must have been hungry.

Yaz tried not to stare at her while she ate. She had cut the soft bread into tiny pieces minus the crusts but the Doctor still had to chew on the right side of her mouth. Although the facial exercises were helping, she still tended to dribble food through the damaged part of her face. It was painful to watch and Yaz could only imagine how embarrassing it must feel.

Yaz decided to change the subject, trying to diffuse the tension between them. “Do you want Ryan or Graham to come with us or girls road trip?” Yaz asked positively.

“I think… I think just us today if that’s ok?”

“Course it is! We can get some good music going, bring the custard creams. It’ll be a party until I have to rely on you to navigate” she said teasingly. The Doctor’s ability to get lost was a running joke between the gang after it took her fourteen attempts to get them home after she accidentally kidnapped them.

Yaz had already packed the bits and pieces they would need in the car, she hadn’t trusted the Doctor to remember to do it and it turned out she had been right seeing as she had been shocked that the appointment had arrived at all. She texted Ryan and Graham to let them know where they were going in case either of them turned up and then hovered behind the Doctor as she made her way out to her car. She looked unsure but considerably more steady on her crutches and Yaz felt a strong sense of pride at how far she had come.

Yaz realised she didn’t know what kind of music the Doctor liked, she never listened to any in the TARDIS so she just left the radio on low. Between them they came up with a fabricated story about how Jane Smith lost her leg in a car accident while travelling which was why she hadn’t been under NHS care and had had a private referral from Dr. Martha Jones who had managed to do at least one thing to help.

It was a long drive, not helped by taking several wrong turns when the Doctor read the map incorrectly. Regardless of how they teased the Doctor, it was a simple route and Yaz was worried about how she couldn’t manage to focus on it although she didn’t mention it. However, despite the Doctor’s woeful ability to read a map they made the appointment on time, just about.

For Yaz, the prosthetists office reminded her of Frankenstein’s lair with various body parts around the room on display. They were shown straight into a large gym space with several beds and lots of equipment although they were the only ones there. The Doctor was asked to change into shorts which Yaz had packed for her and then sit on the edge of a bed. Yaz helped her with the button on her trousers and the Doctor quickly wriggled out of her trousers and into the baggy shorts Yaz had managed to find. Yaz sat beside her in a chair, holding her hand and trying, unsuccessfully, to distract her.

A few minutes later a man with shaggy brown hair and an athletic build arrived and introduced himself as Dave, the prosthetist. He was supposed to be one of the best in the country though Yaz couldn’t help but wonder how the Doctor would react when he would inevitably need to touch her. Thankfully he seemed to have very little interest in extraneous details and accepted their story about the car accident without further questions.

Dave explained the process to them, how he would cast her leg today, take measurements and discuss what she wanted and he would use all that information to craft a custom socket which would be the part that would go around her residual limb and choose the most appropriate knee joint and finishing materials.

It was a lot of information to receive very quickly and Yaz could see the Doctor getting overwhelmed with everything he was throwing at her. It was slightly disconcerting to see the look of confusion on her face, she always seemed to or at least pretended to know everything. She squeezed the Doctor’s hand gently, throwing her a reassuring smile while also taking careful mental notes knowing she was going to have to explain it all again later. Probably several times.

Yaz was a bit irritated that Dave was either oblivious to the Doctor’s discomfort or was ignoring it. Dave started questioning the Doctor on her lifestyle and what she liked to do in her free time. She answered his questions hesitantly and Yaz could tell she was frightened of doing or saying something she shouldn’t. But she couldn’t help but snort derisively when she said she liked to run occasionally and had an active job. 

The next part was the measurements. Dave had the Doctor stand while he measured every aspect of both legs, her hips and pelvis and move up and down a set of parallel bars and then repeat the same walk using her crutches. But then came the hard part. Dave had to make the cast. She was sitting again and without asking he grabbed her leg and pushed up her shorts to have better access to her stump. Her reaction was swift and violent as she screamed and pushed him away, scrambling back up the bed and almost falling off until Yaz managed to catch her.

The Doctor continued to panic, clawing at Yaz and trying to get free but with her only half on the bed Yaz knew if she let go she would fall to the floor. Yaz managed to get her settled onto the bed safely and backed up, giving her space. Dave hadn’t moved from where the Doctor had pushed him. She hadn’t hurt him, only pushed him back on his stupid little wheely stool.

“Mate I think you need to give us some space. I’ll calm her down.”

Dave looked pleased at the chance to escape and Yaz turned her back on him, crouching unthreateningly on the floor so she was eye level with the Doctor who was now curled up in a tight ball on the bed sobbing, her hands wrapped around her head protectively.

Yaz had a fleeting thought that this was a common pose for her when she felt threatened and wondered if it explained her processing issues, if she had received repeated blows to the head. But now wasn’t the time.

“Doctor, its just us now. He’s gone.” She was trembling violently and Yaz lifted a blanket from another bed and wrapped it round her. She clutched it like a lifeline.

“Doctor what do you want me to do? I can hold your hand or hold you. I can stay right here or I can leave the room. Whatever you need.”

She was shaking so hard she struggled to get the words out but managed to ask “Hold me please.”

Yaz needed no further invitation and climbed onto the bed behind the Doctor, holding her tightly with her legs and arms, rubbing deep pressure circles into her back.

Yaz talked to the Doctor soothingly, calming her down until she was no longer shaking and was able to form coherent words again.

When she was calm, Yaz asked for the Doctor’s permission to get the prosthetist so he could finish the job and they could leave.

Yaz stepped outside, making sure the door was shut tight. Dave was leaning over the secretary’s desk and Yaz caught the tail end of what he was saying.

“… might have to restrain her before I go near her. Absolute nuts…”

Yaz was seething. “Oi! How dare you speak of her like that. You have no idea what she has been through. That woman in there is a victim of torture, you will not restrain her. She is incredibly strong and you will show her the dignity and respect she deserves. You will not touch her without explicit consent from me and from her. And you will explain everything to her so she knows what is going to happen. And if she needs something explained five or twenty times first then that is what you will do. Only then can you touch her. Do you understand?”

Yaz turned on her heel and led the way back in before she said something she would regret, Dave following behind looking abashed. “Dave has something to say to you” she said addressing the Doctor.

“I apologise Mrs Smith. I should have been more sensitive. It won’t happen again.”

The Doctor didn’t raise her head to acknowledge so Yaz spoke. “It’s Doctor to you” she replied acidly.

“Doctor I’m going to put this liner on your leg and then wrap it in strips of plaster of paris if that’s okay.”

Yaz glared at him for the entire minute it took for her to respond, daring him to touch her without consent.

When she gave it, Dace wrapped her stump in a stocking and then a liner before starting with strips of plaster of paris like a cast for a broken limb. Yaz could see how uncomfortable the Doctor was with being touched in such an intimate way by a stranger, especially one who was so obnoxious and she stood close, trying to offer moral support. Dave was considerably more professional but it couldn’t have been pleasant and given her past experiences Yaz was amazed that she was tolerating it at all.

When they were done, Yaz waited for the Doctor to put the trousers she had arrived in back on and then rolled up and safety pinned the leg for her. She was shaking and exhausted so Yaz went to the car and got the wheelchair rather than risk the crutches. She didn’t think the Doctor could handle a fall after everything else.

Unsurprisingly, the Doctor was quiet on the drive back to Sheffield, despite Yaz’s best attempts to distract her. Yaz decided they needed a change of scene rather than going back to wallow in the house and instead drove to Graham and Ryan’s. Unfortunately it was up eight steps that were slick with rain and had no handrail and she placed a reassuring, steadying hand on the Doctor’s back as she navigated the steps up to his front door on her crutches.

Without mentioning it to the Doctor, Yaz had texted Graham before they had left and there were large bowls of a rich, tomato pasta dish, garlic bread, salad and a bottle of wine on the table waiting for them.

Graham really was a good cook and the dinner was excellent. Yaz felt uncomfortably full by the time she had eaten three bowls full and she was pleased to see that the although the Doctor had only eaten a small bowl of pasta, she had had a veritable mountain of garlic bread. None of them had missed the chocolate spread and HP Sauce mixture she had slathered over the top either. It made Yaz feel queasy just thinking about it and she tried hard not to look. But at the same time, she was so happy that the Doctor was eating anything that she signalled to the others not to mention it and tried not to breathe in the smell.

The Doctor was visibly more relaxed by the time the evening had come to a close and actually managed to make a couple of terrible jokes when they were sitting on the sofa and laugh at some at her expense. She had insisted that Graham pour her a glass of wine, taken half a mouthful and spat it out all over the floor when she realised how disgusting it was. She had a vague memory of a different face doing that more than once. Why did she never learn?

When they got home the two women made their way upstairs. The Doctor went into the bathroom showering herself first and then getting Yaz to help her with her hair. The burnt skin around her chest and shoulder didn’t allow her to lift her hand above her head easily.

Yaz helped the Doctor settle in bed, switched out the light and was on her way back downstairs when the Doctor asked suddenly “Yaz about that tea with your mum and dad?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think my inner teacher came out when Yaz was lecturing Dave. Oops!
> 
> Next time The Doctor spends some time with Najia!


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yaz and the Doctor go for tea with Najia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My longest chapter, yay! 
> 
> I only have one more chapter written and ready to go so not sure when this will next be updated. Really struggling with the ending so if anyone has any thoughts please send them my way :)

Two days later, Yaz and the Doctor were pulling up outside Yaz’s flat. Yaz was grateful for the blue disabled badge she had been able to get as there was no other free parking nearby. She had been surprised when the Doctor had elected to only bring her crutches, her first trip out without the wheelchair. Though Yaz had quietly put it in the boot of her car without telling her, just in case. She was getting much stronger and more confident with them but had yet to use them over any real distance. It was partly because Yaz had been able to buy a special attachment for the left crutch that made it easier for the Doctor to grip and it had made a big difference.

Yaz had gone into the garden the night before to call her parents and prep them. Although they knew the Doctor had been badly hurt and that Yaz was taking care of her while she was in recovery, Yaz hadn’t gone into many details and she knew that her mum and dad would be shocked and Sonya would be tactless. She didn’t go into what had happened, that wasn’t hers to tell just about the physical change they would see in her and that her brain was also still in recovery so she might not act the way she was expected to. It was the closest Yaz could get to the truth.

Yaz was really looking forward to seeing her parents. Although she had been seeing them regularly and sleeping there every day when the Doctor had been so unwell a few weeks ago, it would be nice to do something as ordinary as sit down for dinner again. The Doctor also seemed to be looking forward to it and had asked several times if Hakim would be making his terrible pakori again. She had thought it was wonderful, after she had covered it in toffee sauce and garlic salt.

After achingly slow progress down the corridor to the flat, which Yaz was sure was longer than it used to be, they arrived at Yaz’s parents front door. The Doctor was breathing hard with exertion and her arms were shaking with the effort. Yaz knocked on the door and let them in with her key, a steadying hand on the small of the Doctor’s back. It made her sad to see her so tired after a short walk, the Doctor had always been able to run endlessly without any apparent difficulty.

Yaz let them in calling out to her parents that they were here, ushering the Doctor inside as she seemed to have frozen to the door mat outside. Out of habit, Yaz kicked off her shoes inside the door and put on a pair of her slippers which were where they had always been. For as long as she could remember she hadn’t been allowed to wear shoes in her parent’s house and the family’s slippers were always lined up at the door waiting for them.

“Do I need to take my shoe off?” asked the Doctor looking worried.

There were a few guest pairs of slippers but they were all the simple backless kind that weren’t secure on your feet, not ideal for a woman with one leg who had only just started to get back onto her feet…foot.

Yaz shook her head. “Nah, don’t worry about it. Don’t have any slippers for you and socks are slippery” she said reassuringly.

Najia came out into the hallway, throwing her arms around her daughter. “So good to see you sweetheart.” If she was shocked by the Doctor’s appearance she didn’t say anything.

Najia offered the Doctor a hand to shake. They both looked flustered for a moment when they realised the balancing act the Doctor would have to pull off to shake it. Yaz subtly put a supportive hand on her elbow and the Doctor was able to offer Najia a hand which she grasped in her own rather than shaking and risk throwing the Doctor off balance even more.

“Good to see you again Doctor, please come in and sit down. Tea?”

“Yes please.”

Yaz bent over to give her dad a hug where he was sitting on the sofa. She noticed the Doctor had taken the furthest away seat from him, with her back to the bedrooms and a clear route to the door. She was pretty tolerant of Ryan and Graham now but other men were still a problem, especially after Dave.

Yaz went into the kitchen to help her mum make a round of tea. As her mum steeped the loose tea Yaz rummaged for a selection of biscuits.

“Yaz what the hell happened to her?” her mum hissed.

Yaz could see out of the corner of her eye that the Doctor’s head had lifted slightly, knowing that her more sensitive than human hearing would be able to hear every word they were saying. She needed to carefully strike the balance by reassuring her mum with just enough information and not upsetting the Doctor who was already scratching at the skin of her wrist in a nervous habit.

“I told you mum, she was attacked.”

“By what? A lion? A shark? Have you seen the state of her?” there was a faint note of hysteria to her voice.

“Mum! Of course not. By a person. It’s not as bad as it was. When she was first hurt it was much worse, she’s doing really well.”

“How do you know? Thought you only found out where she was a couple of weeks ago?” she asked suspiciously.

“I did. I saw the photots the police took for crime evidence.” She improvised wildly.

Yaz unceremoniously dumped the sugar into the Doctor’s tea and found a straw in her handbag to add to it.

Najia pursed her lips at this as Yaz carried the tray with tea and biscuits into the living room, offering them round.

Yaz sat down beside the Doctor and there was an awkward silence for a few minutes.

“How was your holiday Yaz’s mum?”

“Doctor please, its Najia. Our holiday was lovely thanks. We were in Paris for our 25th wedding anniversary.”

“Oooh I love Paris. Hope it’s looking better than the last time I was there! It was the middle of nineteen for…”

Yaz hurriedly interrupted, realising that the Doctor was about to say that she had been there in 1943 during the Nazi occupation. “It was 1998 Doctor, wasn’t it. You told me how it rained the entire time you were there and you weren’t allowed to go and play on the swings outside isn’t that right?”

The Doctor scrunched her face looking confused for a moment but quickly covered her misstep as she always did. Yaz always forgot how socially inept she was, especially with people who didn’t know she was a 4000-year-old, time travelling, face changing alien who knew to give her a bit more slack.

Having finished her tea, Najia got up to finish making the dinner but prompted Hakim to get the photos of the holiday out to share with the Doctor and Yaz.

His mistrust of modern technology was strong and Yaz snorted slightly as he produced a set of printed photographs. He came up behind them, leaning in between them to show them the photos so they could both see.

Yaz could see instantly that that was too much for the Doctor to cope with. She got up as fast as she could and excused herself for the bathroom.

Hakim looked hurt. “Did I say something I shouldn’t?”

“No Dad, it wasn’t you. She was hurt by men. A lot of men. She doesn’t like to be too close to anyone at the moment. Barely copes with having Ryan and Graham in the same room let alone standing beside her.”

Hakim looked sad. “Do you need to go and check on her?”

Yaz wrapped her arms around him tightly and kissed him on the cheek. “Thanks for understanding.”

Yaz knocked on the bathroom door. “Doctor it’s just me, can I come in?”

There was no answer. She tried again. And a third time.

Yaz fished a 2p coin out of her pocket, remembering her mum doing the same when Sonya had locked herself in as a toddler.

“Doctor I’m opening the door now. It’s just Yaz. My mum and dad are in the kitchen.”

Yaz opened the door and pushed hesitantly in case the Doctor was behind it. She was curled up on the floor, visibly shaking. Yaz closed the door softly behind her and turned on the small light over the sink in favour of the bright, harsh main light. She lay down beside the Doctor where the Doctor could clearly see her, close but not touching.

“Doctor, I’m sorry he got too close. I should have warned him not to.” Yaz noticed her breathing was laboured and she didn’t manage to look at her. She thought of the portable oxygen they still had which unbeknownst to the Doctor was in the back of her car with her wheelchair.

“Doctor, I think you’re having a panic attack. I’m going to take hold of your hands and I want you to match my breathing okay?”

Yaz took deliberate, slow, deep breaths but the Doctor was looking more and more panicked and didn’t seem to be able to cope with copying Yaz.

Yaz heard Sonya come in. She jumped up and stuck her head outside the bathroom door. “Sonya, go down to my car. It’s right outside. There’s a large blue bag in the boot. Bring it up for me. Run.” She fished her keys out of her pocket and shoved her keys into her sister’s hand.

“Yaz what…?”

“Now Sonya!”

She closed the bathroom door and pulled the Doctor into a sitting position, leaning against the cool tiles. Her face was pale and clammy and her lips were tinged blue as she struggled to breathe. Yaz knelt in front of her, encouraging her to breathe with her. It felt like Sonya was taking an age. But a few minutes later it was Najia who appeared in the doorway with the bag not her sister.

Yaz ignored the look on her mums face as she pulled out the oxygen mask and tank, putting it over the Doctor’s face and turning the knob on the cannister to start the flow.

“Mum if you’re going to stay you need to help, otherwise go away and we’ll be out in a few minutes.”

Najia was shocked. Her daughter never spoke to her like that. Never spoke to anyone like that. She was definitely in charge. She felt a hint of pride and wondered if this was what her daughter was like at work.

“What do you want me to do?” she asked finally.

“You need to help me ground her. Sit behind her, one leg on either side and squeeze tightly. Wrap your arms around hers but don’t inhibit her breathing.”

Najia hesitaited and Yaz correctly summized that she was worrying about hurting her. “Mum you’re not going to hurt her. Her injuries are healed but we need to help her calm down.”

“Shouldn’t we call an ambulance?”

“No. Mum I’ve been doing this for a while. If you’re helping you need to listen.”

Yaz levered the Doctor forward so her mum could get in behind her.

“Keep breathing with me Doctor. In and out. Nice and slow. You got this.”

It took several more minutes but Yaz could see that the Doctor was calming down. Eventually she pulled the mask off her face of her own accord though her lips were still slightly blue and when she spoke she sounded like she was still gasping for breath.

“I’m sorry Yaz. And Yaz’s mum. Didn’t mean for that to happen. Just got a bit…” she broke off into a coughing fit and Yaz swapped the full face mask for the nasal cannula, the look on her face daring the Doctor to even try to refuse.

Yaz pulled the Doctor into an embrace so her mum could get off the floor. “Don’t apologise. Don’t ever apologise, you’re doing great. You’re back in control. Do you want to stay or go?”

The Doctor contemplated. She was embarrassed. So embarrassed. But she didn’t want to disappoint Yaz. And the food smelled great.

“No. Tea at Yaz’s mums. Love tea with Yaz.”

Yaz smiled encouragingly and wrapped her arm around the Doctor’s waist, helping her off the floor while Najia picked up the abandoned crutches and passed them to her silently. Najia helped her tidy her scarf which had been knocked off by the mask, doing a much neater job than Yaz normally managed.

Yaz put the oxygen tank away in its bag and allowed Najia to hustle the Doctor out of the bathroom. It was unfortunate it had happened at her parent’s house rather than in the privacy of her own, but the Doctor had recovered quickly, much quicker than she had managed it a few days ago at the hospital though admittedly then it hadn’t got to the point of needing oxygen. Shorter yes, but also more intense.

By the time she had stored the oxygen tank by the coat rack in the hall the Doctor was seated at the kitchen table, rolling out dough to make sweet dumplings. Her dad was cooking at the oven and her mum at the table with the Doctor, telling her about the first time Yaz had tried to make dumplings on her own and they had exploded and stuck to the ceiling. The Doctor was laughing. Actually laughing.

Deciding to leave them to it Yaz went to join her dad and instantly found herself with a mountain of vegetable to chop: onions, peppers, chilli, carrots. She worked quickly, she was much happier acting as sous chef to one of her parents than cooking on her own. It wasn’t one of her fortés. These days Graham was doing his Grandad thing and keeping her and the Doctor well fed, either coming over and the four of them eating together when Ryan wasn’t at work or leaving dishes in if he wasn’t able to stay.

When the meal was ready, Yaz noticed that her dad didn’t sit in his usual seat, instead opting to sit as far away from the Doctor as he could to give her space. Yaz was grateful she hadn’t had to ask. She made a mental note that if she didn’t get the chance to chat to him before they left that she would phone him in the morning. Her mum chatted the way she always did, nosying her way into every detail of her daughters life. Wanting to know what they were up to. They were normal and Yaz was so grateful. The Doctor managed to join in a little, only messing up her small talk with talk of the wrong century a couple of times. Yaz wildly invented that her Doctorate was in history when she looked frozen in the spotlight, hoping her parents would remember about her brain not quite being where it was and assume that the Doctor was just confused.

It was only Sonya who was weird. Sonya was usually tactless, occasionally rude, annoying, her baby sister and best friend. She was silent throughout the meal though Yaz caught her staring at the Doctor several times when she thought no one was looking for. She made another mental note to have a private chat with her. The Doctor wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon and she didn’t want things with her sister to be weird. They might not be the best of friends but that didn’t mean they could just not talk.

After dinner Yaz and Najia did the dishes, Hakim went for a walk and the Doctor asked if she could look at some of his books on conspiracies. He enthusiastically chose her his favourites and she settled onto the sofa, managing to attempt to read at human pace. Yaz couldn’t help but notice how much more she looked like her old self, curled up on the couch, glasses on, pouring over a book than she had of late. Especially because she could only see the undamaged side of her profile. It felt a little like a punch to the guts and she forced herself to look away.

Yaz elected to wash while Najia dried.

“Does that happen a lot? The panic attacks.” Najia asked, as soon as they were on her own.

“Sometimes. There was one the other day. It wasn’t as intense, we didn’t need oxygen or anything but it lasted a lot longer.” Yaz replied truthfully.

“Do you have to do a lot for her? I noticed you cut her dinner for her.”

“I don’t have to do anything. I want to. And she’s doing way more for herself now. The burns on her hand are restricting her fingers so it’s mostly fine motor stuff I help her with.”

“No it isn’t. You said yourself she has a Traumatic Brain Injury.”

“No actually I didn’t. She had PTSD which is hardly a surprise but she’s managing it. We both are. I can take care of her mum. It’s the least I can do.”

“But Yaz you can’t be the only person who can help. There must be someone who can take some of the burden. Where are her family? Why can’t they do something?”

“Mum let me make this very clear. It is not a burden. Not even a little bit. I love her very much, it is a privilege to help her. And there is no on else, she’s an orphan, grew up in foster care. You’ve seen how awkward she is, doesn’t have many close friends to fall back on. Besides Graham and Ryan do loads. I haven’t cooked for ages!”

“I’m just worried about you darling. There’s no need to bite my head off.”

“I know you do mum but this is what I’m doing right now and you won’t talk me out of it so you can either support me or not but I will be standing beside the Doctor because you taught me to always do what is right.”

Najia pulled Yaz in for a tight hug. “You know I will always love you, and I am so proud of you. If you need anything from me or your dad, you’ll let us know?”

Yaz smiled. “I will mum, I promise.”

She washed the last saucepan and left her mum to dry it, sitting on the sofa close to the Doctor and looking at the pictures of the moon landing over her shoulder in the book she was reading.

Najia disappeared into her bedroom and reappeared a few minutes later with a small white paper bag in her hands.

“Doctor, I was wondering if you would like this? My mum, Umbreen, gave it to me a long time ago, said I would know the occasion I would need it for but it’s not really my style and somehow I can’t help but wonder if she didn’t mean for me to wear it at all. I know that makes no sense but…” she handed the Doctor the bag who opened it carefully.

Inside was a scarf made of a soft, silky cotton. It was precisely the colour of the Doctor’s old coat and down each of the long sides were a series of rainbow stripes, patiently hand embroidered on.

“It was the first thing my mum made when she arrived in Sheffield.” Najia explained.

The Doctor was speechless as she ran the scarf through her fingers.

“It’s beautiful. Thank-you Najia.” She whispered.

“Would you like to put it on?” asked Yaz.

The Doctor nodded and handed the scarf to Najia who stood behind her and carefully positioned it so one set of the rainbow stripes made a neat line around her hair in the same place a hairband would sit and the other was woven through the knot at the back.

Later, as they were making their way slowly back to Yaz’s car, Yaz laden down with the oxygen tank and a massive bag of food from Najia the Doctor stopped her and hugged her.

“Thank-you Yaz” she whispered into her ear.

“What for?”

“For what you said.”

“How much did you overhear?”

“Everything. Both times. I have good ears. Ear. Still better than your tiny human hearing. But thank-you for everything you’ve done for me.”

“You’re welcome Doctor.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time, the Doctor gets her leg!


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor finally gets her new leg!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who is ridiculously excited for tonights episode?
> 
> I'm not entirely happy with this chapter but I've redrafted it several times and can't look at it anymore so here it is. Next one will be better I hope.

The Doctor was sitting on the end of the bed looking nervous. Yaz was perched on a stool beside her holding her hand and Dave had gone to get her leg.

Her leg.

Finally.

She was absolutely terrified. Nervous was the biggest understatement of the century.

She had heard that some prosthetists liked to be dramatic and bring it out under a cloth and present it like a priceless work of art. She was glad Dave didn’t seem to be the type. She still wasn’t sure how she felt about the whole thing.

This room was different to the one they had been in before that had been like Frankenstein’s lair. This one was more like a gym. There were treadmills, weight benches, parallel bars, gym mats and sets of wooden stairs that led to nowhere. The Doctor took everything in, anything to distract her while she waited.

Dave reappeared a few minutes later, the leg in his hands. He handed it to the Doctor to let her see it. The top was like a large cup or vase that would sit around the Doctor’s stump. It attached to a metal ‘leg’ which had a hinge in the middle to act as a knee joint. The straps at the top were in the dodgy “neutral” colour of plasters while the leg was black carbon fibre. The foot actually looked like a foot and although it was plastic and silicone, it matched the colour of the Doctor’s remaining foot precisely. She could have gone for a leg that matched her remaining leg in every way and looked real but she would have had to have sacrificed function for that which she hadn’t been willing to do. She wasn’t quite that vain. It all looked very space age and high tech which Yaz thought suited the Doctor perfectly.

Dave was very thorough as he explained to the Doctor how each component worked. He kept looking at Yaz furtively, as if checking that she was okay with what was going on. He was probably concerned they were going to file a complaint with his supervisor she thought uncharitably.

Yaz could see the Doctor’s engineer brain working to follow what he was saying. She always had been good with her hands and it was good to see her interested enough to try and make sense of what he was saying to her. Yaz took careful mental notes so that she would be able to give her all the information again as she needed it. Yaz had no doubt that at some point in the future the leg would have the life modified out of it.

After explaining every component of the leg to the Doctor, he helped her fit it on, talking her patiently through each step. They played around for a few minutes with different layers of socks and silicone liners to make the leg a perfect fit. When he was happy he showed the Doctor how the strap and suction worked together to keep the leg secure it onto her stump.

Yaz noticed that the Doctor’s manner had changed. When he had been showing her the leg she had been more like how she was before. Interested, learning new things, focused. But now that it was on her emotions had changed. She looked anxious. Afraid. 

Dave grabbed her under the elbows, ignoring a death glare from Yaz and levered the Doctor into a standing position.

Yaz intervened before the Doctor could lose her composure completely. “What did I say about touching her without consent?” she said in a voice of steel.

“I don’t think you understand what an up close and personal experience this is?”

“Oh I definitely do. Which is why you will show her respect and ask before you touch.”

Dave rolled his eyes but turned his attention back to the Doctor.

“How does it feel?”

“It’s fine” she muttered, not looking at him.

“It’s not fine. I’m good but even I never get it completely right first time. If it doesn’t fit properly it’ll cause skin break down and worst case scenario you could end up losing more of your leg. And you’re right on the verge for a prosthesis. If the surgeons take any more you won’t be able to have one, you won’t have enough of your own leg left. So please. Tell me how it feels.”

She took a breath and Yaz could see a whirlwind of emotions playing out on her face.

“It pinches here” she said finally, indicating a point on the inside of her leg “and it feels loose round the top of my thigh.”

“Good. See I can work with that.” He had Yaz lower her back onto the bed, unstrapped the prosthetic and disappeared back into his workshop to make the adjustments.

“You’re doing great” Yaz whispered, giving her hand a quick squeeze.

“It feels so strange.”

“You’ll get used to it. You’ve come so far.”

Their conversation was cut short by Dave reappearing with the adjusted leg. This time he talked the Doctor through putting it on for herself. She struggled to grip the straps tightly enough to pull them closed with her damaged hand so Dave also showed Yaz what to do.

When the leg was securely on Dave brought the Doctor to a set of parallel bars in her wheelchair and instructed her to stand up.

Yaz went to stand at the other end of the bars to meet her when she got there.

Dave stayed sitting on his little stool with wheels, talking the Doctor through how to take a step. She was holding on to the bars for dear life, and Yaz could see she was struggling to grip them.

“Do you have anything to help you grip?” asked Dave. “You could use your crutches but these are way more stable for your first attempt. Especially for someone who is above knee.”

He supported the Doctor’s waist and lowered her back into her wheelchair while Yaz rummaged in her bag for the splint with the grip that they had used when she was using Graham’s wheelchair. She quickly threaded the Doctor’s fingers through it, fastening it securely and holding her for a moment as she breathed through the initial pain of putting it on.

“You’ve got this. I’m so proud of you.” She whispered.

When the Doctor was more relaxed, Dave and Yaz resumed their positions and the Doctor once again pulled herself to her feet. This time, she managed to make a step, then another and another. Dave was coaching her through it, talking her through how to make the knee joint and her own leg work together to create a step.

Yaz was waiting for her at the other end, tears pouring down her cheeks, cheering. When the Doctor found her way to the end Yaz swept her up in a hug, careful to hold her tightly in case she had knocked her off balance.

“It is so good to see you upright” she whispered into her shoulder.

“Good to be here” she replied, laughing.

Yaz let go slowly, making sure she was steady and Dave spent time showing her how to turn on the bars. They went up and down multiple times until she was more confident.

By the end of the session, Dave was making the Doctor walk up and down the bars, get on and off the floor and walk with her crutches. The Doctor was sweaty, panting and on the verge of tears by the time he was finished with her but he didn’t relent. He insisted if she hadn’t mastered the skills then he wouldn’t let her take the leg home this time.

The Doctor was still trembling with exhaustion when they were in Yaz’s car but she looked happier than she had in ages.

“Hey Yaz, you remember that night out you guys wanted to do a few weeks ago?” she asked tentatively.

Yaz would never forget, that was the day the wheelchair had arrived and she had left. She still burned with humiliation for the way she had spoken to the Doctor that day.

“Yeah” she said slowly.

“Do you think we could still do it. Need a nap and a shower first but later?”

Yaz couldn’t suppress her grin. “Course we can. Let’s find out if the guys are free. What did you have in mind?”

“Why don’t we let them decide?”

“Sure. Sounds great!” Yaz fished her phone out of her pocket and handed it to the Doctor without looking. “Go ahead and text them.”

The Doctor carefully tapped out a message to Ryan, he was much more reliable with texting than Graham who regularly lost his phone around the house. Ryan replied instantly that he would make the plans and tell them where to be and when.

“Did you tell them you’re going on foot?” Yaz asked.

“No… wanted to surprise them.” She sounded almost nervous about admitting it.

“Oh good plan! I can’t wait to see their faces!”

Yaz was slightly stunned at this level of confidence that had appeared from the Doctor all of a sudden but decided to go with it, knowing that if she mentioned it she would probably scare it away.

Shortly after 7, both Yaz and the Doctor were ready to go out. They were meeting Ryan and Graham at a pub round the corner from Yaz’s parents house. It was her first night out in ages and Yaz had made an effort, make up, skinny jeans, nice top and low heeled boots. The Doctor was in her normal outfit, wearing the scarf in the precise colour of her old coat that Najia had given her on her head. Her hair was coming through more but it was still patchy and it was cold out.

They were a few minutes later than planned and Yaz was irritated when she realised that the three accessible parking spaces right in front of the pub were occupied by cars which did not have blue badges. If she had been in uniform she would have written them up. As it was she resolved to take photos as she passed and pass them on to her friend Anne.

The night was icy and the Doctor used one crutch and held onto Yaz’s arm with her weaker hand. They had experimented on the way to the car before they left and the Doctor said she felt more secure this way, crutches were not designed for ice. Yaz carried the other crutch in case she needed it inside. But she was walking. Actually walking.

Walking into the pub, Yaz was happy with the choice. It was an old pub but it was large with plenty of space and lots of little nooks so they could sit together but still have their privacy and hopefully the Doctor wouldn’t be overwhelmed by all the people.

It was Ryan who saw them first. He nudged Graham and stood up, coming round in front of the table to greet them. Ryan had his mouth hanging open in surprise. Graham was actually crying. In public.

“Mate! Why didn’t you tell us?” asked Ryan.

“Doc you look amazing!” said Graham as Ryan hugged Yaz tightly.

“What? None for me?” asked the Doctor. Ryan was surprised. She had never been tactile though he knew Yaz had been using a lot pf physical contact recently. These days she wouldn’t even sit on the same sofa as him. But he didn’t show it and carefully wrapped his arms around her in a gentle hug, quickly followed by Graham.

Yaz subtly helped her into her seat and sat beside her so they could both see what was going around them, Ryan and Graham sitting opposite. The boys both had a pint in front of them and Graham stood up with his wallet in his hand.

“Can I get you ladies something to drink?”

“You know I don’t drink but I’ll take a ginger beer.” Said Yaz

“What about you Doc? Beer? Cider? Wine? Soft drink?”

“I don’t really know what I like Graham. Definitely not wine. Maybe stick with juice. But not pear juice. I hate pears.”

Graham chuckled. “No problem.”

He disappeared and the others took the chance to look at the menus. The waitress arrived back at the table at the same time as Graham and they were all able to place their orders. It wasn’t long before plates of fish and chips arrived in front of the Doctor and Graham and burgers for Yaz and Ryan.

The food was good and it felt almost like old times. Yaz subtly helped the Doctor keep herself clean as her mouth wasn’t as improved as much as they would like but none of them mentioned it and the four managed to pass the time pleasantly talking about nothing. Although the Doctor took much longer to finish her meal than the rest of the fam the waitress politely stayed away until she was completely done.

The pub slowly filled up around them as it got closer to the pub quiz starting time. Yaz did see Sonya walk in with some of her mates but she took one glance at the Doctor and hurried off. Yaz tried to ignore it but she knew she would have to deal with it sooner rather than later. Thankfully none of the others had noticed.

Graham kept insisting with the Doctor’s knowledge he was going to win his first ever pub quiz. He was wrong, she was hopeless, kept mixing up her trivia from different centuries. The science round was even worse and Yaz thought she was going to shout at someone about how many elements there were on earth. It was almost laughable though her history round was flawless.

Yaz knew it didn’t matter that they had one of the worst quizzes of any team in the pub. They had all gone out together. The Doctor had been calm. She had been on two legs. It almost felt like normal she mused as the Doctor leant on her arm leaving the pub, braced against the unfortunately icy evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things went suspiciously well in this chapter. The Doctor will have to deal with her emotions about getting her prosthetic sooner rather than later.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1 step forward and about 10 steps back. Sorry about that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this took so long, I just fell down the rabbit hole of reading too much of other peoples work rather than concentrating on my own. And honestly I'm still reeling from the finale! I hope this extra long chapter kind of makes up for the fact that it took so long to get out.

They were several days into the Doctor’s having her new prosthetic. Yaz was finding her to be up and down to live with. She was attacking her recovery with an almost frightening fervour, pushing herself too far and then raging against herself when either her brain or her body refused to co-operate. But at least she was trying.

They were both invited to Ryan’s twenty-first birthday. Graham had booked a table at a restaurant which would play host to the fam, Ryan’s dad and a few of his closest mates. After that, Ryan and his friends were heading for a typical Sheffield night out. Yaz, and by extension the Doctor, were invited to that part too but Yaz knew the Doctor would struggle to cope with a room crowded with mostly men and mostly strangers and a loud, hot, smelly club was the last thing she would need. She knew she could go without the Doctor, she wasn’t her babysitter after all but it didn’t feel right to go on a night out and leave her behind.

But one thing she could do was make sure that she got him a great gift that would express how much she appreciated his love and support over the previous few months. Ryan wasn’t particularly materialistic but he loved his technology and games. She didn’t have a lot of money to spare but she was sure she could find him something he would like.

For Yaz and the Doctor, their day had started off in their normal routine. They had got up, the Doctor had spent more than an hour doing physiotherapy and had then headed to the bathroom for a shower. Yaz had waited until she was done, helped her with the finer intricacies of getting dressed, namely buttons and tying the head scarf and helping her make sure her prosthetic leg was on properly. She lacked the hand strength to tighten the straps but she also couldn’t remember all the steps to put it on in the right order yet. When she had finished helping the Doctor, Yaz took her turn in the bathroom and the Doctor went downstairs.

Yaz emerged from the shower, running through her head where would be best to find Ryan’s gift while she dried her hair and worked on weaving it into a plait. When she finally made it downstairs the two of them made scrambled eggs and got ready to head out. The Doctor was tense, the same as she had been for days now and Yaz offered her the chance to stay home and relax for a few hours before the evenings festivities but she refused, snapping at Yaz and insisting that she could handle a simple walk into town,

“Any good present ideas?” Yaz asked, changing tactic.

“I’ve never really done birthdays Yaz. We live so long people tend to lose count of how old they are and when their birthdays are.”

“Well for us, twenty-one is a big deal. And it’s his first birthday without Grace. We need to support him. But you don’t have to come into town if you don’t want to. I’m sure Graham would come and keep you company if you like.”

“I don’t need a babysitter Yaz. And I’m perfectly capable of going into town with you. We went last week.”

“I know you are but just to warn you, it’s a Saturday, it’ll be busier.”

“I’m not a child Yaz. I’m fine.” She shouted.

Yaz dropped it and the Doctor stalked past her as best she could with the crutches she was still learning to synchronise properly. Yaz caught up to her at the door. “Don’t you want your wheelchair?” she asked gently. It was a decent walk into town, then they would have to get through the town centre and walk back again, all through the crowds of Saturday shoppers. That was a lot of distance to put on her leg and relying on her still recovering upper body strength to help her with her crutches.

“Yaz leave me alone I’m fine.” Her tone was icy cold and Yaz knew she had upset her now. She pushed Yaz out of the way as she went out the door, walking as quickly as she could. Yaz followed her, ignoring the angry outburst. Calling attention to it didn’t help, she knew the mood swings were coming from whatever was going on in the Doctor’s brain which didn’t really make them any more pleasant to put up with.

The Doctor had set a pace Yaz knew she wouldn’t be able to maintain for long, so she walked at her own normal speed, giving them both a few minutes to compose themselves.

By the time they had hit their usual path by the river, they were walking together again. Neither of them mentioned the scene that had taken place in the house and they walked in companionable silence.

As they got closer to the town it got busier as Yaz had predicted. The narrow pavements were difficult to navigate and Yaz could see the Doctor struggling to break through the crowds. Yaz was annoyed at how inconsiderate people were, no one moved out of her way despite the fact that she was clearly struggling.

Yaz lead them straight to the second hand electronics shop that was hidden down one of the side streets, it sold loads of retro tech including gaming equipment.

“Doctor this is the game shop I want to get Ryan’s present from. It’s pretty busy, do you want to come in or wait out here.”

The Doctor looked panicked. The street was considerably less crowded than the shop which was filled mostly with teenage boys and young men. But if Yaz was inside the shop there was no way she was standing out in the street on her own. Yaz could already tell the Doctor was very much regretting insisting that she should come too.

Yaz pushed her way through the shop, a gentle hand on the Doctor’s elbow for support and guidance as she made her way to the counter for what she wanted. Ten minutes later they were leaving the shop, Yaz with the original handheld Gameboy and a couple of games the guy at the counter had recommended in her bag. Ryan had spent hours one evening eulogising how much he had loved his as a kid though it had been lost when he had taken his anger out on it shortly after his mums death.

Yaz had been going to suggest that they stop for a coffee and cake somewhere, she was still taking every opportunity to try and make the Doctor eat something, but one look at her face made Yaz changer her mind. They needed to leave before the Doctor had a full melt down. Everything about her facial expression and body posture showed that she was barely holding it together.

Yaz tried to chat to her, to break through the wall of anxiety and tension that had sprung up around her but the Doctor ignored her, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other.

Thankfully the crowds thinned as they slowly made their way across the bridge that would lead to the river stretch that would take them home when it happened. A group of young lads, around fifteen or so, charged down the street whooping and laughing with excitement. The one on the end crashed into the Doctor on the way past, calling out a careless apology as he careered after his mates, not realising that his accidental shove had sent her hurtling to the ground, hard.

Yaz watched it happen in slow motion. The Doctor fell sideways, twisting awkwardly, landing heavily on her side before collapsing into a boneless heap.

“Doctor?” Yaz asked, dropping to her knees and putting her hand gently on her shoulders.

“Get off me Yaz!” she snapped, pushing herself into a half sitting position. 

Yaz reeled back slightly, giving her space and moving on the few passers by who had stopped to stare, reassuring them that they were fine.

The Doctor was hunched over breathing heavily. Her right hand was grazed and cut where she had landed on it and one of her crutches was broken. Yaz didn’t even know they could do that, surely the whole point of them was not too break?

“Are you hurt?”

“I’m fine Yaz. Stop fussing” she pushed herself forward onto all fours, attempting to pull herself into a standing position, something she hadn’t accomplished on her own yet.

It hurt Yaz to watch her struggle, but she didn’t offer any more assistance, she knew the Doctor would only rebuff her until she was ready. It was only a few moments, but it felt longer before the Doctor grunted in frustration and held out her hands. Yaz bore most of her weight as she hauled her to her feet, holding on for a moment so she didn’t go straight back down again.

When the Doctor was secure Yaz bent down and picked up the crutches. Unfortunately the broken one was the one they had adapted for use with her burnt hand and now the other one was covered in blood and gravel which would make using it very uncomfortable.

The Doctor glared at the crutches for a moment like they had personally insulted her and done it to her on purpose before walking off, leaving Yaz holding them. Yaz took a moment to catch her breath before following. The mood swings were getting harder and harder to deal with and there was a real undercurrent of anger now too. It was a little frightening and Yaz wasn’t sure what might happen if the Doctor truly lost her temper at the moment. Her emotions were controlling her rather than the other way round as her broken brain tried desperately to knit itself back together.

Yaz caught up with the Doctor, falling into step with her, watching her carefully in case she fell again and needed Yaz to catch her but not saying anything or reaching out. The look on her face was very much screaming to be left alone.

By the time they had made it back to the house the Doctor was sweating and trembling from the effort. She had finally relented and taken hold of Yaz’s arm for balance and support for the last part of the journey but she dropped it like it was burning her as soon as they were through the front door.

Yaz was extremely relieved to be home. It was probably the most stressful shopping trip she had ever been on. The Doctor made straight for the sofa, collapsing onto it and holding a large cushion tightly across her chest while Yaz went for the First Aid Kit to deal with the wounds on her hand and she could see a patch of blood on her trousers where her knee was.

Yaz crouched opposite her, not touching. “Can I help?” she asked, her voice comforting as she gestured towards the Doctor’s bloody hand.

The Doctor’s posture changed entirely. She snatched the First Aid kit out of Yaz’s hand, hurling it across the room where it clattered into a vase of flowers and both landed on the floor, exploding into a mess of tulips, broken glass, plasters and anti-septic wipes in a puddle of water.

The Doctor let out a howl of rage and shoved Yaz as hard as she could. Yaz fell back, banging her face on the coffee table. She felt her nose explode with blood and her face felt like it was on fire. They both froze in shock staring at each other, Yaz breathing hard and the Doctor staring at her hands looking horrified.

The Doctor threw herself back onto the sofa, burying herself into the cushions and holding herself tightly. Yaz stood and fled upstairs, barely choking back a sob and resisting the urge to slam her bedroom door. In fear, rage or shock she wasn’t sure. She sat down on the bed and pulled out her phone with trembling fingers.

“Graham… I need help” she whispered.

Graham was out running errands, picking up cake and a few last minute bits and pieces before Ryan’s party. Ryan was acting like a little kid over the whole thing and was ridiculously excited. He pulled out his phone to check the time and it made him jump slightly as it rang. He answered it to Yaz, happy to hear her voice.

“Hey Yaz, you alright love?” he asked jovially.

“Graham… I need help…” A host of different thoughts ran through Graham’s mind. She knew how busy he was today. And through everything she had rarely asked for anything. Whatever had happened must be bad. He threw his stuff into the boot of his car and drove straight to Yaz’s.

When he arrived he pulled out his key and let himself in, initially thinking there was no one there which was unusual. Although the car was parked outside, when he let himself in he could neither see nor hear either of its occupants but noticed the mess in the corner of the living room through the crack in the door and his stomach tightened in worry.

He pushed the living room door open fully, stepping inside. At first glance it appeared to be empty but then he heard a small noise. He spun around, frightened of what alien creature might have wandered in and was immensely relieved to find only the Doctor, wedged tightly into the tiny space between the sofa and the wall, clutching a large cushion tightly and her prosthetic leg sticking out in front almost comically. His relief was short lived when he noticed the small flecks of blood across her face, her torn hand and the large patch of blood that had soaked into her trousers.

“Hey Doc” he said nonchalantly as if this were an every day occurrence for him “everything okay down there?”

The Doctor stared at him for a moment. “I messed up Graham.”

“Oh? Want to tell me about it love?”

The Doctor shook her head and resumed staring at the floor.

“I can go and find Yaz and ask her if you would prefer. Is she here?”

“Upstairs.”

“OK. So why don’t we get you back on the sofa, I’ll help you clean up your hand and you can tell me what happened to make you mess up.”

The Doctor nodded in acquiescence and allowed Graham to help her up and deposit her on the sofa. He went into the kitchen and helped himself to the dustpan and brush and a towel and cleaned up the mess on the floor, salvaging what he could and dumping the flowers.

When he was finished Graham sat on the coffee table with the remnants of the first aid kit and a bowl of warm water. He held out his hand and the Doctor reluctantly put out her own. He was grateful for the First Aid training from work as he gently cleaned her hand and pulled out bits of gravel before bandaging it neatly. He handed her a cloth to wash her face and put a large plaster on her knee which was still seeping blood. Thankfully it had escaped the debris that had been stuck to her hands due to her trousers.

Graham took the empty plaster wrappers and bowl back into the kitchen, washing up and throwing rubbish in the bin quickly. He hadn’t seen the Doctor or Yaz in the last few days, not since the pub quiz. Things had clearly deteriorated since then and he instantly felt guilty that he hadn’t done more or been there more. But they had both seemed so fine then.

He made his way back into the living room, this time settling himself on the sofa beside the Doctor.

“So are we gonna talk about it now cockle or am I going to go and find Yaz?” Graham had never been a dad but he was a grandad with three grandkids to look after. He noticed the Doctor had taken off her prosthetic while he was in the kitchen and had once again curled in on herself with the cushion, her head buried in it.

“Doctor?” he prompted, slightly more sternly when she didn’t answer.

“I don’t know why I’m so angry Graham. I feel like I’m angry all the time. I want to rage and scream. Yaz was only trying to help. And I threw the First Aid Kit and broke the vase her Nani gave her and then I pushed her.” She was half whispering and half crying by the time she got the confession out.

Graham swallowed the sick feeling he felt in his throat. He knew the Doctor could be dangerous, they had all seen it, but it had always been directed at people that deserved it. Yaz, categorically did not.

“Did you mean to?”

“No. Don’t know what happened. Didn’t even realise I’d done it ‘till it was over. I hurt her Graham. I can’t believe I hurt her like that.”

Graham nodded. There wasn’t much he could say to that. He agreed with her. He couldn’t believe she had hurt Yaz either.

“I’m going to go upstairs and check on her. Make sure she's okay. I’ll be back down in a few alright?”

Graham didn’t wait for an answer but hauled himself off the sofa and up the stairs. He could see Yaz through the door, she was lying on her side on the bed, curled up in a similar manner to the Doctor, facing away from the door. He knocked lightly before walking in.

“What happened Yaz?” he probed gently. He could tell she was crying as her shoulders shook slightly and she didn’t turn around to look at him.

“I don’t really know Graham. She hasn’t been right for a couple of days. She was bubbling all day today. Went out to get Ryan’s present, shouldn’t have let her come. I knew it would be too much for her but she insisted. Then she insisted on walking all the way. Then she fell. Came back, offered to help her clean up her hand and she got so angry she pushed me and I fell into the coffee table.”

“Yaz sit up. Let me see.” Graham demanded softly.

Yaz uncurled herself slowly, pushing herself into a sitting position. Graham gasped in shock. There were large purple bruises blossoming across her cheek and nose and extending over her eye.

“Yaz! Oh my god! Do you need a Doctor love?”

“I’m fine Graham. Nothings broken.”

“You’re not fine, look at the state of you!”

“It doesn’t matter” she muttered.

“It certainly does matter! She attacked you and now look at the state of your face! Have you looked in the mirror?”

“Course I have, but I’m fine. No lasting harm done. Is she ok?”

“Is she ok? That’s what your concerned about?”

“She was frightened, humiliated and totally overwhelmed Graham. She didn’t do it on purpose, she was protecting herself.”

“How can you say that? She knows she doesn’t need to protect herself from you!”

“Of course she does but her brain is all over the place Graham, you know that. It’s sending out all sorts of messages that her body can’t understand to try and heal itself. Angry outbursts aren’t uncommon I’ll just have to be better prepared for the future.”

“You can’t put yourself in harms way Yaz. We both know the Doc is a lot stronger than she looks.”

“I won’t Graham. Promise. I should have given her more breathing space. Look it’s getting late, why don’t you take her to the party and I’ll join you in a bit yeah? Give me a chance to shower and cover this up?”

“You sure you want to go out tonight Yaz? Ryan won’t mind if you want to stay in and have a rest or go and see your mum?”

Despite herself, Yaz snorted at the suggestion. “There’s no way I’m turning up at my parents house looking like this. Please just take her with you and go. I’m fine, just need a few minutes ok?”

Graham nodded reluctantly. “If you’re sure love. Text me if you need anything alright?”

“Course I will.”

“And Graham don’t mention this to Ryan. Not tonight.”

Graham smiled sadly in agreement and headed downstairs.

Yaz stayed where she was until she heard the front door gently click. When she knew the Doctor and Graham had left she dragged herself off the bed and got into the shower, turning the water up as high as she could and allowing the pounding spray to soothe her. Stepping out of the shower she wrapped herself in a towel and blow dried her hair straight first. Satisfied, she sat at her dressing table and spread the contents of her make up bag out in front of her, trying to work out the best way to cover the bruising.

Yaz spent far longer on her face than she normally did, the end result looking like she wasn’t wearing any make up which was what she had been aiming for. Just enough to cover the bruising. She quickly dressed in a navy, knee length dress and heels, lifted her handbag and the present and headed out the door. 

Graham had chosen the restaurant well. It was lively and busy but not overwhelming. Yaz spotted the party instantly, tucked away in a corner and she made her way over.

“Happy Birthday Ryan!” she said happily, kissing him on the cheek and handing over her present. There were about twelve of them altogether, Ryan seated in the middle. The Doctor was at the end of the table with no one next to her. The two girls opposite her were clearly good friends and were chatting earnestly, ignoring her. Yaz slipped into the empty seat next to her, feeling surprisingly uncomfortable. She caught Graham’s eye and smiled reassuringly, picking up the menu in front of her to avoid looking at the Doctor as long as possible.

A waiter came around with their drinks and although Yaz hadn’t ordered one she helped herself to the jugs of water on the table. The Doctor caught her wrist lightly and Yaz was annoyed with herself for reflexively jerking away from her touch.

“Yaz… I….”

“Not now Doctor. We can talk at home later ok?”

“Yaz…”

“No. We are not getting into this at Ryan’s birthday. We are not going to cause a scene. He needs this a normal night with his normal mates and we are going to help with that. Understood?”

The Doctor looked hurt but nodded in agreement, sinking back into her chair, retreating mentally, if not physically, from the party.

The party went as well as it could and Ryan didn’t seem to be aware that anything was amiss which could have been down to the copious number of beers he was drinking. Despite sitting next to her, Yaz managed to ignore the Doctor for most of the evening other than helping her with her knife and passing her a few extra napkins. She chatted to the Mark who was sat on her other side, reminiscing about the antics he and Ryan had got up to during Year 9 maths lessons. The Doctor sat quietly, concentrating on eating without dribbling too much and ignoring the pitying looks from the two girls opposite who continued to chat only to each other.

After the meal, Ryan tried hard to persuade Yaz to go out clubbing with him and his mates. She was tempted, much as she hated clubbing, she wanted to go home with the Doctor even less. But she couldn’t leave the Doctor at home on her own and Graham needed to go to his own home and sleep in his own bed, he looked beat. So she refused, promising to come out another time instead.

Back at home Yaz went straight upstairs. Her face hurt and she wanted painkillers. She locked herself in the bathroom while she washed her face clean and put on her pyjamas. She had already moved the airbed out of the bedroom, she had no desire to sleep in the same room as the Doctor. She knew the Doctor hadn’t meant to do it, but it didn’t make her any more interested in staying in the same room as her if she didn’t have to.

Yaz wrapped her dressing gown round her like it was protecting her. She hadn’t worn it since she had wrapped the Doctor in it the night they had found her in the garden though she had washed it a dozen times. She belted it tightly and went downstairs to the kitchen. Now was time for tea. Tea was always soothing.

She was surprised that there were two cups of tea sitting on the table already. The Doctor was sitting, hunched over one and inhaling the steam. Yaz accepted the second cup but her fight or flight response kept her standing.

“Yaz I’m so sorry.”

“I know.”

“I can’t believe I did that to you. I don’t know where it came from. Last time I hit someone it was a vile man who was subjecting my friend to racist and sexist abuse. I don’t regret that. But I can’t begin to tell you how much I regret pushing you and how sorry I am.”

“I know you didn’t mean it.”

“I did mean it. But… it was like it wasn’t me…” she trailed off and finally looked up at Yaz, gasping at the sight of her face. Yaz ducked her head, hiding behind a curtain of hair under the scrutiny.

“I’m frightened Yaz. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I feel so… out of control.” She admitted.

“Your brain is trying to make new pathways and connections around the bits that have been damaged either by being kicked in the head or the drugs. It’s working overtime and overwhelming you.”

“You sound like you’ve swallowed a textbook.”

“More of an information pamphlet. Don’t think I’ve read in my whole life as I have since you ended up in my garden.”

The Doctor nodded. “So what now?”

“We go to bed. And I do mean both of us. Your brain needs rest if it’s going to heal. You go on up, I’m going to stay down here.”

“Yaz I… you…”

“I’m going to stay down here tonight Doctor. I think it’s for the best. Leave your door open and if you need me you can call me.”

“I’m so sorry Yaz.”

“I know you are Doctor. Go to bed. Please. I don’t want to talk about this anymore tonight.”

Yaz watched her go, trying to ignore the way the Doctor’s slumped shoulders and the way she leant heavily on the bannister and made her want to get up and help her. She wanted to put some distance between them but the Doctor still needed her so she couldn’t go far. She decided against going upstairs for the mattress and instead curled up on the sofa with the blanket she kept draped over the back, eventually drifting off into a fitful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’ve ever seen Journeyman, think of the scene where Matty hits Emma after he makes her tea. If you haven’t then you should watch it.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some of our characters have some much needed conversations.

The incident when the Doctor had pushed Yaz had happened nearly six months ago and the two women seemed to have reached an unspoken agreement not to mention it. The Doctor continued to throw everything she had at her recovery and doing everything she could to look after herself though she was still a long way off from total independence. She had taken to walking with a single crutch rather than two as they had never replaced the one that had snapped in the fall and when she was in the house she didn’t use any at all, just a steadying hand on the wall or furniture occasionally.

Her mental health seemed to be stabilising slightly. There had been a couple of anger fuelled incidents after the push though they had been shorter lived. She still cried and had panic attacks and nightmares but there were actual good days and despite the ups and downs she was overall on a more even keel. And Yaz was now less worried that she would hurt herself if she was left on her own for more than a few minutes.

She spent time with Ryan and Graham on her own, even managed to sit next to them and talk to them properly. Yaz had never given them the details of what had happened to her but they knew the basics. That was the Doctor’s story to tell if she chose to. Her slightly less guarded attitude had transferred outside of the house too and she was more relaxed, probably partially because people stared less when she was on her feet. 

Even her face looked better than it had. The muscle exercises they had been doing seemed to have worked and she was now able to close her mouth properly. Her lovely blonde hair had grown but only in the unburnt parts, it looked… odd. So she had elected to keep covering it with the scarf Najia had given her.

And her hand seemed to have healed as much as it was going to. Yaz could see that the thick scar tissue around her fingers really inhibited her dexterity but she was getting better at doing stuff one handed and Yaz was having to help her less and less.

Which was why she found herself rummaging under her bed for her work boots, she was going back in for her first shift in nine months. Only part time, but a step back towards normality. At least it was the late shift, she might get upgraded to sorting some punch ups in a pub she thought wryly.

Yaz hadn’t had any contact with anyone from work apart from the odd text from her friend Anne and one memorable encounter about seven months ago when she had met her supervisor while on one of her and the Doctor’s earlier walks along the river. The Doctor had still been in the earlier stages of healing, hunched over in Graham’s wheelchair, crying and gasping for air through the oxygen mask in a full panic attack. Yaz had been crouched in front of her, desperately trying to calm her and ground her back to reality. He had stopped to offer help but his close proximity to them had only upset the Doctor even more and Yaz had regretfully had to ask him to leave. He didn’t bother to get back in touch after that.

Yaz wasn’t particularly impressed with her reception. Straight back to parking disputes. Her boss had moved on, promoted and her new one wasn’t too happy with a probationer who had taken a nine month leave of absence and had had special permission to return to the programme part time. Yaz supposed he believed the rumours that she had cracked and couldn’t take the pressure any more after all the absences. Most people hadn’t believed the need to look after a sick family member.

The Doctor was in Yaz’s garage. Najia had been more than happy to hand over Hakim’s collection of junk and now she was planning to use it to get the TARDIS back. Somehow. No plans yet. It was how she’d always worked best. She just needed to make her fuzzy brain concentrate.

She was standing over the work bench, leaning on it slightly for support, jacket thrown over an old lawn chair, sleeves rolled up. She jumped violently when Ryan appeared behind her and he grabbed her before she lost her still shaky balance.

She acknowledged him with a nod and recentred herself.

“Do you think Yaz would mind if I borrowed her microwave?” she wondered out loud.

“Uuuh depends. If you mean borrow like make some microwave popcorn and nothing else then no. If you mean tear it apart and scavenge it for parts then yes. But she’d probably let you do it anyway.”

“Good” she disappeared suddenly and was back in less than a minute, staggering slightly under the weight of the microwave which she started breaking the back off.

“Got any welding stuff?”

“Yeah at home.”

“Can I borrow it?”

The Doctor sensed his hesitation. “I know Yaz told you to watch me” she said quietly, not looking up from the microwave. “I promise not to hurt myself while you’re gone.”

Ryan blushed, annoyed that she had seen through him so easily. But still he grabbed his keys from his pockets and hurrying out to his car, figuring the quicker he left the quicker he would be back. He knew she wouldn’t let up and would keep pestering until she got what she wanted.

At home he grabbed his welding equipment form his NVQ that he had ‘borrowed’ and any other tools he and Graham had lying around, dumping it all haphazardly in the boot, anxious to be back at Yaz’s and not to be sent back out again. Yaz would never forgive him if something happened to her on his watch.

Back at Yaz’s he lifted up the external garage door to let himself in. The Doctor was no longer standing at the workbench so he went back to his car to unload, starting with his dads old bag of tool. He had no idea what was in there but he had been a dreadful hoarder. If he had ever bought a tool then it was in this bag.

Coming round the large pile of boxes that Yaz had never got round to unpacking he dropped the bag in shock. The Doctor was lying on the floor, mostly obscured by the table. She wasn’t moving.

Panic built in his chest. If she was hurt Yaz would be so mad. He pulled his phone out of his pocket ready to call her and grabbed the Doctor’s feet pulling her out, horrendous thoughts like she had accidentally electrocuted herself or worse, she had hurt herself deliberately running through his head.

The Doctor shrieked in surprise and pushed herself into a sitting position.

“Ryan! What the hell are you doing?” she demanded.

“You’re alright?” he panted.

“Of course I am! Why the hell wouldn’t I be?”

“You’re fine?”

“Well I was. You just pulled my leg off” she grumbled indignantly. “Help me out?”

“Uh yeah. Sorry about that.”

Ryan seized her around the waist and lifted her into a chair. He looked away embarrassed as she wriggled out of her trousers so she could strap her leg back on.

She grabbed his hand. “Ryan, I’m fine. Was just working under the temporal displacement processor I’m building out of Yaz’s microwave. And her TV remote. And her kitchen clock.”

Ryan squeezed back and gently pulled her to her feet. “Yaz is going to kill you when she gets back” he warned.

“Nah. She loves me” she said confidently.

“She really does. She missed you so much when you were gone. And then when you came back… I thought she was going to need worked with.”

“Ryan, what happened when I got here?”

“I thought she told you?”

“She did. But only the abridged version. I need to know. My head’s still wonky. Even the bits where I was conscious I can’t really remember that clearly.”

“I don’t know if I’m the right person to tell you.”

“Course you are. You were there. I know Yaz talks to you about stuff. And you’re like me. Not that great with the tact. You’ll tell me how it is. I just need to hear it. Please Ryan, I know you know.”

Ryan sank down into the chair she had just vacated and the Doctor hoisted herself onto the work bench.

“Yaz was working too much, she missed you and was trying to distract herself until her boss made her take time off. Graham and I were over for pizza. She wanted to put the greasy boxes in the bin so she was outside. It was freezing and she found you in the garden. We brought you in. You were so cold Doctor and you had so many injuries. We didn’t think you would make it. When we saw you I threw up and Graham nearly passed out. Not Yaz though. She was straight down to business. Wouldn’t let Graham call an ambulance. Said you would probably start a panic and end up being dissected or experimented on.”

“She’s right. Good call that. Never much of a fan of hospitals anyway.”

“She sent Graham out for supplies and I carried you upstairs. I was so scared I was going to drop you or bash your head off the wall and hurt you even more. Yaz was so good though, she could see I wasn’t doing too good. Sent me to put clean sheets on her bed and put you in the bath. You were filthy. She had to get into the bath with you. Your coat had melted into your burns and she was crying as she pulled it out of you. She put you on her bed and you were still out of it. She had to put your arm back into its socket and reset you leg. We could see bone. It was so gross. Then she looked after your burns and cuts. Graham and I were a bit useless really but Yaz was so strong.”

The Doctor looked slightly nauseated and was rubbing at her arm subconsciously. She looked up as Ryan paused. “Please keep going. I need to know.”

“You were really bad Doctor and you weren’t getting better. You were unconscious for days. Then you started screaming. You were screaming for hours and then you woke up. Sort of. I was there. You punched me across the room and wedged yourself between the wall and wardrobe. That’s when you broke your leg again. But you were so freaked. You wouldn’t let Yaz anywhere near you to try and reset it, not sure it mattered I don’t think we could have done it while you were conscious. It would have hurt you too much. Then you started to get sicker. It was bad. You were hallucinating. Kept shouting stuff at us we couldn’t understand. Or screaming. We found Martha. She made us make the decision about what to do about your leg. Yaz knew you’d want to live. She helped Martha operate and everything but she felt so guilty she couldn’t go near you for days.”

“She shouldn’t feel guilty. You all saved my life.”

“It was Yaz really. I couldn’t do what Yaz did. She didn’t leave the house for weeks. Hasn’t slept anywhere but a blow up mattress for nine months. You were really hard to work with for a while. Kept lashing out when you were frightened and you’ve got one hell of a punch. She never said anything but we knew. You were so scared of me and Graham for weeks after you came round we couldn’t help other than her moral support. We offered to do more practically but she wouldn’t budge. She was worried that if she asked you if it was okay, you would agree even though you didn’t mean it and it would traumatise you more. I know she had to get pretty intimate, especially in the beginning but she protected your modesty, didn’t give us details. You cried a lot too. She spent a lot of time holding you and trying to calm you down. I don’t know how she did it.”

The Doctor was silent. Yaz. Brilliant, kind Yaz. She knew now why Yaz hadn’t wanted to go into details. She knew she had been sick, but she couldn’t really remember it clearly, even after she had regained consciousness. It was more like snapshots in time. But they were hazy, disjointed and out of order.

“Doc, you okay?” Ryan asked concerned. She looked like she might faint. “I didn’t mean to upset ya.”

“You didn’t. I’m fine. Needed to know. Now give me that welding mask and let’s get a shift on.”

She pulled the mask low over her face to hide herself from Ryan.

It was gone 11pm when Yaz arrived back. She was tired and sweaty as she pulled off her body armour and chucked it and her boots on the sofa that Ryan wasn’t dozing on.

She gently covered him with a blanket and headed back upstairs to say goodnight to the Doctor. The Doctor was in bed, wearing her glasses and hunched over a large book she had got from the library when Yaz knocked gently on the door.

“Hey you. You ok?” she smiled. “Just want to grab some pyjamas. Don’t want to disturb you.”

“Actually Yaz, can I talk to you?” she patted the bed beside her and closed the book she was reading.

Yaz sat down beside her, unbuttoning her blouse to reveal her plain white t-shirt underneath. The Doctor didn’t say anything.

“Doctor… what’s up? You need something?”

“I talked to Ryan today. He told me what happened. From when I got here. Why Yaz?”

“Why what?”

“You gave up nine months of you life looking after me? You told me bits but you didn’t say how bad it was. Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you just let me go? When the Master dropped me off, he said I was unsavable, but I might as well die with my friends because he couldn’t be bothered to deal with my body. He’s supposed to be my oldest friend but he didn’t even try.”

It was not what Yaz had expected. She had thought they were past the point of the Doctor wishing she was dead.

“Do you mean that? Do you really wish I had just let you die?”

“No of course not. At least not any more. I did for a while. But by all accounts, you’ve done nothing but take care of me for nine months. Without help for the most part. And apparently I haven’t been too grateful.”

“You weren’t yourself Doctor.”

“Did I hurt you?”

Yaz looked away, uncomfortable. The Doctor grabbed her hand. “Yaz, did I hurt you?”

“I’m fine Doctor. You were frightened and in pain. I should have been more careful.”

“I can’t remember it. Why can’t I remember it? The more I try, the more it feels like I slip away.”

“I think it’s the PTSD” she said sympathetically. “Your brain is protecting you. A human may or may not get the memories back. They usually do when their brain perceives that they’re safe again but not always. With you, no way to tell unless you know? I’ve just been trying to deal with one thing at a time.”

There was a pause.

“Doctor what do you want? You’re probably as physically healed as you’re going to get. Your mental state is much more stable though maybe not quite where it was. Obviously you can stay here as long as you want but I don’t know if that would make you happy?”

“I can’t stay here permanently. Think I’ve more than outstayed my welcome. I’m trying to track down the TARDIS.”

“I know. Saw the setup in the garage. Figured that was what it was for. And you could never outstay your welcome.”

“What about you?”

“You seriously think I’m going to let you go out on your own after last time? I’m coming with you. But I’m not going to lie, I’m not sure Ryan and Graham will want to. They’ve settled back in. Ryan’s got a girlfriend. But going back to work today reminded me that I want more. If you’ll have me of course. I know you might want a bit of peace from me.”

“Yasmin Khan. I could never be sick of you.”

The Doctor reached over and gently placed a hand on each of Yaz’s cheeks, drawing her in for a gentle kiss.

Yaz responded eagerly, wrapping her hands around the back of the Doctor’s head, running her fingers through her soft, downy hair. It might have just been a few seconds or perhaps several minutes before they broke apart.

“Sorry I probably should have asked first.”

“You never have to ask.”

“I would understand if you didn’t want to. I definitely don’t look the same. And I certainly haven’t been treating you well.”

Yaz was offended. “If you think I was only dating you because of the way you look or that I would not want to date you because of the way you look now then you really don’t know me very well” she said, drawing away.

“I have half a face, one leg, my brain won’t work right and I can’t do my own shirt buttons. I want you to be my girlfriend again, not my carer.”

“You don’t need a carer Doctor. Not anymore. You might need help with some things but you don’t need looking after. And we all need help. It is allowed. And for the record you could have no face and be armless and legless and I would still love you.”

“Could happen. Never know what you’re going to get with regeneration.”

Yaz laughed. “If you regenerate will your injuries be healed?”

“I’m not sure” the Doctor mused thoughtfully. “My face will. But when I regenerate every cell changes. But the cells that made up my leg don’t exist any more so I don’t know if it will grow back or not. Don’t plan on finding out until I absolutely have to just to make that clear by the way.”

“Good. Because I like you just the way you are.”

“Isn’t that a song around this time?”

“You’re about a decade out. More the era of my primary school discos now but yes.”

Yaz reached out and gently stroked the Doctor’s cheek. “Do you want to regenerate? If there’s even the slightest chance that you could have a whole body again and be pain free…?”

“Regenerations a lottery Yaz. I have no idea what I might turn into. Plus the only way to regeneration is to be mortally wounded but not enough where you’re going to be dead before the regeneration kicks in. I don’t think I can handle that. And I’m not ready to give you up. You might not like who I turn into.”

Yaz leant forward and kissed the Doctor again, her hand moving slowly down the Doctor’s back. The Doctor broke away, looking at her lap.

“Kissing you is nice but I don’t think I’m ready to go any further, not yet anyway.”

“That’s okay. You’re worth the wait.”

“I don’t want…”

“Doctor. Stop trying to talk me out of it. I want to be your girlfriend again.” Yaz’s eyes were shining. “I love you so much. Being with you is hard. But it’s not hard because of your injuries. It’s hard because you’re incredible, you go at 1000 miles per hour, and you constantly put yourself in danger. But I love you for it. More than I can ever say.”


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yaz has a bad day at work, the Doctor comforts her.

Yaz was exhausted as she finished her shift. It should have finished at 7am yet it was now almost dinner time the next day, she couldn’t even remember the last time she had eaten or sat down and it had been the worst shift she had ever experienced by far.

She pulled off her body armour and threw it into the back seat of her car. She drove home too tired to think of anything but getting home as soon as possible. When she pulled up outside her own front door she could have cried with relief. Yaz pulled her weary body out of the car, dumping her uniform in the hall and making her way out to the garage where she knew the Doctor would be working. When she had finally been able to turn her phone back on it had signalled that Graham had had to leave for work but Ryan would be a while and Yaz was still reluctant to leave her on her own for too long. Her mental state, although better, wasn’t to be trusted and could still change in the blink of an eye. Yaz was noticing that although she seemed to have less brain fog, she got more frustrated and upset if she couldn’t do or understand something.

She quietly pushed open the garage door, taking a moment to savour watching the Doctor work. The Doctor had her back to Yaz and was concentrating so intently on her project that she hadn’t noticed the door open. She was sitting in her wheelchair, leg off and her messy hair signalling to Yaz that she had been up all night. She was holding something in her left hand, gripping as tightly as she could manage and securing it with her elbow on her knee, her right was holding a regular screwdriver while she rewired. Yaz had always loved those hands and the delicacy they handled things she was working with.

The Doctor seemed to sense she was being watched and looked up. She smiled brightly at Yaz which quickly turned to a look of concern as she saw the look on Yaz’s face. She dropped her wiring onto the table and turned her chair round coming to stop beside Yaz and grabbing her hand.

“Hey Yaz, you okay?” asked the Doctor her voice laced with worry. Her kind words and soothing tone were too much for Yaz to cope with and she promptly burst into tears.

The Doctor reached up, grabbing Yaz around the waist and drawing her into her lap. “Hey it’s okay, it’s okay” she soothed, stroking her hair.

Yaz was taking great, juddering sobs and the Doctor could feel a large wet patch forming on her shoulder where Yaz’s head was resting. The Doctor rearranged Yaz slightly on her lap to make sure she was safe, grateful for how slight she was, and wheeled them both into the living room where they would be more comfortable. It was several minutes before Yaz was calm enough to talk. Realising what the Doctor wanted without the need for words, Yaz picked herself up and sat on the sofa, and the Doctor followed, wrapping her arms around her tightly so Yaz was leaning against her chest and she could run her hand lightly up her arm.

“Want to tell me what happened?” she murmured into Yaz’s ear.

“There was a murder. Big case, you’ll hear about it on the news. Loads of us were called in to do the door to door. It was a woman, abused by her husband. I saw the body; he had set her on fire. Her face was gone. And her hands, she must have been clawing at the flames to make it stop…She looked… she looked…”

Yaz dissolved into tears again. She couldn’t continue but the Doctor got the gist of what she was not saying.

“She looked like me? Like how I look now?” the Doctor finally asked as she held Yaz tightly in her arms.

Yaz nodded. “More like you looked when you first arrived but yes, the scarring is way less horrific looking than the fresh wounds were. I’m sorry Doctor. I don’t want to upset you. It just brought back that first night when we found you. How different things could have been if we had lost you.”

The Doctor’s hearts clenched a little, Yaz sounded so miserable. “It’s fine Yaz. I’m fine. You don’t have to tiptoe round me, if this is going to be a relationship you have to be able to be honest, even if you think I won’t want to hear it. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you. Have you caught the husband?”

“Yeah. Stupid moron was hiding at his mums house as though that wouldn’t be the first place we would look.”

“Then you bring him to justice. On behalf of every woman who won’t get justice, you get this one.”

“I wish we could. He hung himself when we got him back to the cells. Used his trousers and took advantage of shift change. It was too good for him”, her voice was bitter.

She sat up suddenly, looking at the Doctor.

“Can I ask you something?”

“You can always ask me anything Yaz. You know that. But I might not always have an answer for you.”

“You’re a pacifist. And I love you so much for that. But if you saw them again, the Mhusfeist or the Grofrair or any of the others that were involved in hurting you, would you want revenge?”

“Of course I would. I still have emotions as well as beliefs. But I wouldn’t take it. I would rather report them to the Shadow Proclamation and get them disbanded and rescue the slaves that are still on their ship. That’s more important to me. Rescuing and protecting the other innocents rather than murdering the guilty ones.”

The Doctor extracted herself gently from behind Yaz and went to the kitchen to make her a cup of tea. She was proud of herself for balancing without her leg or crutches and still pouring the heavy kettle without spilling it. She carefully tucked the two cups of tea between her thighs and brought them into the living room and handed both to Yaz so she could resettle herself on the sofa.

Yaz allowed her head to drop back onto the Doctor’s chest so she could listen to the soothing sound of her double heartbeat while her hand to rest on the Doctor’s thigh.

“I love you so much” she whispered, turning her head so she could kiss the Doctor who returned it eagerly. “And thank-you.”

“What for?”

“For making me feel better. You always were good at that.”

The Doctor leaned in for another kiss though the moment was interrupted by the noisy arrival of Ryan tripping over the front step as usual and crashing through the front door. The two women caught each other’s eyes and stifled a giggle although they didn’t move from their cosy position on the sofa.

“Doctor!” he shouted, dropping whatever he was holding and running into the living room, panting, looking at her in horror.

Yaz stared at him looking bemused.

“Where’s the fire?”

“Is this a weird earth custom I’ve don’t understand again? I don’t have my leg on for you to pull off this time but you can have my shoe if you really need it?”

“Ryan! You pulled her leg off? Seriously?”

“It was an accident!”

“It’s not a weird custom Doctor. It’s just Ryan being weird. Speaking of, why are you coming into my house crashing and yelling? And apparently not for the first time.”

“The first time you was at work and I came in and she was lying on the floor not moving and it freaked me out so I grabbed her feet and pulled her out but she was just wiring stuff and then I come in now and all I can see is her bent all forward and still and no offence Doctor but the only time I’ve ever seen you still was when you were unconscious upstairs.”

“I’m fine Ryan, thanks for caring. Just sharing a moment.”

Ryan looked away, embarrassed. “Sorry, sorry. Carry on, didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“It’s fine Ryan, moment well and truly interrupted. What’s up?” asked Yaz settling her head back against the Doctor’s chest.

“Found out about this scrapyard in Wales, loads of old mining equipment and leftovers from Torchwood were hidden there. If you’re going to find whatever it is you need for getting the TARDIS back on earth I think this is the place.”

“Ryan that’s perfect, thank-you. We have to go there!”

“I got given a few days off in lieu of overtime for that shift, we could go if you like? Real road trip this time?” asked Yaz.

“Let’s go” the Doctor said, real determination in her voice.

“Can you get the time off Ryan?”

“Yeah. And Graham’s off too. We was talking about it earlier.”

“Perfect. If you guys sort out the driving and the route we’ll sort somewhere to stay?”

Yaz got her laptop out and started to search for hotels, B&B’s and Air B&B’s that were suitable and inexpensive enough to stay in for a couple of nights. Despite the three hundred plus results within an hours drive of the scrapyard, only four were genuinely accessible for the Doctor. She wouldn’t be able to manage three whole days on her feet so wherever they stayed needed to be wheelchair accessible.

Yaz eventually settled on a small Air B&B, it was only a few miles from the Scrapyard. It had two bedrooms, one of which was downstairs and a large downstairs bathroom with grab bars and enough room for a wheelchair to move about. The floors were wooden so no carpet to contend with. It would do. She quickly booked the room and went upstairs to help the Doctor to pack.

The Doctor was sitting on the bed they now shared, looking at an empty bag with a confused scrunch.

“Doctor?” asked Yaz questioningly. The processing and planning problems she had been having had gradually lessened in the last few months, but they were still there. She had admitted to Yaz during one of their late night chats, wrapped safely in each other’s arms, that although she had been kicked in the head several times she thought it was more likely a consequence of the massive amount of drugs she had had funneled into her system. It made Yaz sad to see a woman so brilliant stumped by packing an overnight bag and she hoped that the Doctor’s brain would continue to heal itself as time passed.

Yaz gently guided her to pack the bag, prompting her to plan what she would need: clothes, personal items and the creams for her burns and supplies for looking after her leg before packing her own things. They left their bags in the hall along with the Doctor’s wheelchair and crutches ready to pack into Graham’s car in the morning. 

When they were ready to go Yaz and the Doctor got ready for bed. Although she didn’t sleep the Doctor had taken to lying in bed with Yaz most nights, luxuriating in the feeling of safety and closeness that came with being held close by someone she loved and enjoying the little noises Yaz made when she slept. It also gave her time to think, to make her exhausted and damaged brain try to figure out how to recall the TARDIS. Even if she made a new Sonic Screwdriver, the old one being on the Mhufeist slave ship somewhere, it wouldn’t yet have established a link with the TARDIS, so she was working on a way to boost her own telepathic link instead. She could feel it out there but she could also feel it slipping further and further away. She needed to stop it moving first in case it got out of range, then she would be able to work on calling it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: The fam go to Wales!


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Road Trip!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it doesn't take that long to get from Sheffield to Wales but it does in this universe!

The alarm woke the Doctor and Yaz at seven the next morning, Graham would be arriving at eight. It was an eight hour drive to the remote Welsh coast where the scrapyard was if they did it one go but Yaz knew the Doctor wouldn’t manage such a long trip without a couple of breaks. Besides a road trip should be scenic and she knew Graham would avoid as many motorways as possible in favour of the countryside and plenty of pubs for food stops as he had proudly texted to tell her so the evening before.

Ryan was knocking on the door promptly at eight to help them carry their stuff out to the car. Yaz showed him how to break down the wheelchair into the boot and with a bit of jiggling they managed to fit all of the Doctor’s equipment plus the four overnight bags in. Hopefully whatever she salvaged at the junk yard wasn’t going to be too big or it would have to sit in their laps for the drive home.

The atmosphere in the car was cheerful and hopeful, it reminded Yaz of old times in the TARDIS, never quite knowing what they were going to find. Thankfully Graham was much better at driving a car than the Doctor had ever appeared to be at controlling the TARDIS so the journey was significantly less bumpy.

“So Doc, what are we actually looking for?” asked Graham.

“I’ll know it when I find it Graham. Something I can use to enhance my own telepathy to contact the TARDIS and maybe some sort of transporter…” she trailed off thoughtfully. “I don’t really know but I’ll know when I see it.”

“And what if we don’t find what you need?”

The atmosphere in the car changed suddenly.

“Then I’m stuck here Ryan.”

Yaz caught Ryan’s eye in the rear-view mirror and glared at him. They were trapped in a small car with another three hours driving to go, now was not the time to start upsetting her or making her think she wasn’t supported.

The change in the Doctor was palpable, her entire body had stiffened, and she had visibly withdrawn into herself. Yaz tried to take her hand but she moved it out of the way, twisting her hands anxiously in her lap.

Yaz was relieved when they arrived at the cottage. It was gone nine and the atmosphere that had come over the car hadn’t really settled despite Yaz’s and Graham’s best efforts.

When they arrived, Ryan fumbled in the lock box for the key. When he had unlocked the door, the Doctor pushed past him and didn’t reappear while the others emptied the car and the door to the downstairs bedroom was shut.

Ryan caught Yaz’s arm. “Should I go and talk to her?”

“You can try. She might not want to talk to you.”

“It was a simple question. I didn’t mean to upset her.”

Yaz hugged him. “I know you didn’t Ryan but she’s very much in denial that this might not work. You made her confront it. And you know her brain still isn’t right. She can’t control her emotions. Don’t push her.”

Ryan lightly knocked on the bedroom door. “Doctor can I come in?”

There was no reply. Ryan looked at Yaz questioningly, unsure where to go next. She shook her head but a moment later the door opened. Her hair was dishevelled and she had taken her leg off and was leaning heavily on one crutch. She spoke before Ryan got the chance to.

“I’m sorry Ryan. It’s not you. I just… I love earth. I always have done. But it’s not my home. I can’t stay here for ever. And I can’t think about what I would do if this doesn’t work because the only other way for me to get my hands on alien technology would be to wait for aliens to come here. And I’m not sure I’m in in any position to protect earth right now so I really don’t want that to happen. The TARDIS is the only thing I’ve really got, she’s been my one constant for thousands of years, I have to get her back.” Her voice is low and measured but Ryan can hear the sadness and desperation underneath it as she fails to meet his eye.

“We’re here for you Doctor. Whatever you need. We’re gonna do whatever you need us to, to get you home.”

“Thanks Ryan” she said quietly. She had started to cry which caused her to waiver slightly. Ryan reached out uncertainly to steady her, unsure how he would be received but she grabbed onto his arm gratefully and he walked her to the sofa where Graham had just deposited four portions of fish and chips.

They sat down together, enjoying the hot, salty, greasy chips straight from their paper wrappings and pouring over the map of the scrapyard to plan how they were going to get inside. Ryan had done a lot of research. There was definitely a normal scrapyard that anyone could visit, but the workers were actually highly trained military police whose real purpose was to keep people away from the alien technology. In the past the Doctor would have broken the lock with her sonic screwdriver or waltzed up to the front door with her psychic paper but without those they were going to have to come up with a new plan. 

They debated for hours, Graham was all for their usual tactic of swanning in like they owned the place. Ryan wanted to sneak in, Yaz wanted to try undercover. The Doctor seemed totally unable to come up with any sort of plan on her own. Privately she didn’t think she could pull off any of them.

But in the end they decided that sneaking was the best, they didn’t have the resources to go undercover with military police and they had always relied on the Doctor’s sonic and psychic paper or other gadgets to get them into places which they now didn’t have.

The Doctor found that she was really enjoying herself. She hadn’t sat up and debated how to get her hands on alien technology for such a long time. It was exciting and felt like she was getting some of her old life back.

It was gone midnight before they had come up with something usable. Graham, Ryan and Yaz gathered their empty glasses and the greasy chip papers and headed to the kitchen to sort them out while the Doctor rolled up the plans. Yaz had written down each step of the plan for her to study, knowing she would struggle to remember it.

Her excitement was palpable and she was talking a mile a minute, practically vibrating as she spoke. It was the closest any of them had seen her to her old self and it made them hopeful that their insane plan would actually work.

Yaz was just shoving the papers into the bin when they heard a scream and a crash from the living room. They instantly dropped what they were doing and ran to the living room. The Doctor was lying flat on the floor, face down, her chest heaving up and down.

Graham and Ryan hovered in the doorway looking horrified while Yaz ran to the Doctor, dropping to her knees. She put a gentle hand on the Doctor’s shoulder.

“Doctor? Are you hurt?” she asked. “Can you hear me?” she asked when there was no response.

She made eye contact with Ryan and Graham and took hold of the Doctor’s shoulders firmly and rolled her over carefully, wary of potentially hurting her more. Her scarf had come loose and was draped over her face and Yaz could hear her wheezing. She gently, pushed the scarf aside so she could see her face.

Yaz cupped the Doctor’s face with her hands, forcing the Doctor to look at her and sagged back with relief and shock when she realised the Doctor was laughing.

“I got up to take the notes to the bedroom to read in bed. And I took a step with my right leg. But I don’t have a right leg any more.” She dissolved into laughter again. “Oh Rassilon, you should see your face right now Yasmin Khan!”

Yaz gave her a look of utter disbelief but managed to laugh and hauled her to her feet. Graham had come to his senses again and picked up the fallen crutch and handed it back to her. The Doctor laced her arm through it, finding her balance but kept hold of Yaz’s arm as they went to the bedroom.

Yaz could hear the boys finish up in the kitchen a few minutes later and turn the lights out as she and the Doctor got ready for bed. The bed was smaller than Yaz’s own and she enjoyed the sensation of being pressed up against the Doctor. Yaz had bought them both some cosy pyjamas so the Doctor’s cooler temperature was less of an issue, but she turned the electric blanket she had brought from home up to high anyway.

When the alarm blared the next morning, Yaz automatically reached for the Doctor but she wasn’t there. She sat up, rubbing her eyes blearily looking for her. She found her in her chair, hunched over the small desk in the room with the notes Yaz had made her.

“You okay with this Doctor?” she asked.

The Doctor jumped slightly. “I’m fine Yaz. Just don’t want to forget anything.”

Yaz got up and stood behind her, leaning over her in an embrace. “You won’t. It’ll all come right back to you when we’re doing it.”

Yaz nipped into the bathroom for a shower and by the time she came out she could smell eggs frying. Graham was clearly doing his Grandad thing again.

By the time Yaz and the Doctor made it to the kitchen there was a stack of fried egg sandwiches on a plate on the island. Graham was propped up with a mug of tea and Ryan was nowhere to be seen. He wasn’t exactly a morning person, most likely he would roll up just as they were getting into the car with a sandwich in each hand and his shoelaces still untied.

The drive to the scrapyard was short but Graham parked a mile away. They were going to have to walk cross country to get in at the back of the yard. But there was one problem they hadn’t thought of. The Doctor’s crutches were sinking into the marshy ground as soon as she put any weight on them and there was no way they would get the wheelchair through the boggy ground with her in it though they were going to need it as part of their getaway plan.

Yaz could see her ready to protest. “Don’t worry about it Doctor. You can do this. We can’t go without you, we don’t know what we’re looking for. I’ll help you come on.”

She bent her elbow and allowed the Doctor to slip her arm through. She wasn’t actually leaning on her, Yaz was fairly sure it was just for confidence. Despite her general clumsiness she actually had great balance and had built a lot of strength in her stump.

The four of them set off across the fields slowly, allowing the Doctor to build her confidence in the sticky mud. As they started to get closer they took more precautions, careful to try and stay out of sight without making it obvious that they were doing so. They needed to be able to say that they were just a group of friends out for a hike if they were caught. Hopefully if they were stopped no one would think to question them too hard.

After almost an hour of walking at a snail pace, with the Doctor leaning more and more heavily on Yaz, they made it to the boundary fence. There was no sign of the military police who patrolled the fence and Graham slipped the wire cutters out of his bag and carefully made a hole in the fence just big enough to squeeze through.

The Doctor actually took charge, she kept hold of Yaz’s arm but led the boys through the yard, her eye and ear alert for any sign that they weren’t alone. She led them to a rusty aluminium shed and Yaz fished out some lock picking equipment that she had borrowed from work. Yaz was sure that had the Doctor been able to use both hands properly she would have been able to make much shorter work of the five separate locks than she was working through.

When she was in the four of them hurried inside just in time as a patrol passed. They held their breaths as the two men passed dangerously close. When they were sure they were gone, the Doctor, with help from Yaz, led them down a rough metal stairway to a large background bunker.

“Doctor wasn’t this too easy?”

“When UNIT and Torchwood were disbanded there was no one left to fight for this stuff. Some of the senior staff took the weaponry to protect it but this is all junk. Or stuff they didn’t know what it was. Graham go back up top and keep a look out.

The Doctor dived into the nearest bin and started rummaging. Ryan and Yaz could hear her muttering to herself as she did so “junk… junk… junk… broken… rubbish… junk… broken” etc. Undefeated when she went through the next bin. And the next. By the fifth her frustration was starting to show. Ryan and Yaz were supposed to be helping but as they had no idea what they were looking for they concentrated on tidying up the extraordinary mess she was making.

Finally in the ninth bin she gave a shriek and by the time Yaz and Ryan had turned round she had managed to topple into the bin entirely.

“Doctor!” the both shouted running at the bin.

Her head poked out of the bin ridiculously. “Oh this is brilliant!” she said, a huge grin on her face.

“What have you found?”

“An extrapolator! It’s from the planet Theech. Tiny little place, you won’t have heard of it. Inhabited by a telepathic race. I should be able to use its telepathic abilities to boost my own and call the TARDIS to me.” She shoved the extrapolator at Ryan. “Don’t drop that.”

“How are you planning to get out of that bin?” asked Yaz, one eyebrow raised.

“Uh right. Didn’t think of that. Give me a hand?”

Yaz snorted but reached up to help the Doctor drag herself out. It wasn’t graceful and Ryan sniggering behind them didn’t help but she was free.

Ryan shoved the extrapolator into the duffle bag he was carrying for the purpose and the three of them crept back up the stairs to join Graham.

“Right Graham, how’s it looking out there?”

“We’re in the clear so far. The guards are bang on, every twenty minutes. By my estimate another pair will go past in about three minutes so if we wait…”

Graham was interrupted by a loud shout and a few seconds later eight pairs of military boots jogged by.

“I think they may have found our hole in the fence!” shouted Ryan unnecessarily. “Doctor what do we do?”

“What the hell do you think we do Ryan? We run!” she shouted grabbing Yaz’s elbow. She pushed Ryan and Graham out in front of her and then got dragged out by Yaz.

“I can’t run!”

“Yes you can, you have to.” Yaz shouted, spurring her forward.

Ryan and Graham had already made it to the fence and were snipping the wires to get them through. Yaz pushed the Doctor through ahead of her and Graham caught her so she didn’t fall into the mud. Yaz grabbed her again and they took off, seeking shelter in a nearby thicket of trees.

Graham pulled out the map to check where they were, pouring over it carefully.

“Right, there’s a path on the other side of this clearing. If we follow it we will eventually end up back at the car though it’s a good five mile walk. But I think we can still pass for a family on a day out if we’re careful.

“There’s going to be military police all over the place in minutes and it’ll take me hours to walk that far if I can at all. I’ll only hold you back.”

“We’re not leaving you Doctor. That’s why we brought the wheelchair. Remember? You’re going undercover. Get in. Put nasal cannula on your face. And if we get stopped try and look sick.” ordered Ryan.

“Ryan this is ridiculous” she protested. “These are trained police, they won’t be fooled by a wheelchair and an oxygen mask, not when we have space tech in our bags.”

“We don’t” said Graham. “They’re in the wheelchair underneath your seat. If they demand to search us they won’t want to search your chair and if they do we just make a big song and dance about you not being able to get up.”

The Doctor looked sceptical.

“Doctor this was your part of the plan last night! You can’t back out on us now. You can do this!”

“Doctor you’ve seen how people react to the chair. It’s going to work. And even if it doesn’t, you said yourself you won’t manage five miles so you’re going to have to use it anyway.”

“This better work, I feel ridiculous.” She muttered as Yaz handed her the oxygen cannula to shove up her nose and draped a blanket over her legs.

“We need to sell this. The chance of us getting back to the car without being stopped is virtually nil at this point. This is the only way we have to disguise the technology you need and for all of us not to get arrested. This is all for you so just go with it.”

They set off down the path which was bumpy and not easy to steer the wheelchair over. But Ryan’s prediction was correct and less than twenty minutes later a military vehicle full of soldiers stopped and they jumped out, guns at the ready.

Ryan and Graham looked as frightened as they could. Yaz bent down and put an arm around the Doctor, leaning her forward so she looked hunched and smaller. “You got this. Let Graham and Ryan do the talking, they’ve got it figured out. You just need to pretend that you’re sick and I’m comforting you. Can you do that?”

The Doctor glared at her but nodded, giving several realistic coughs as Yaz soothingly rubbed her back looking concerned.

“No need to be alarmed” said the Captain at the front. “What are you doing out here?”

It was Graham who answered. “My sister likes to get out when she’s well enough, just out for a walk. Have we come somewhere we shouldn’t? We used to come here as kids on holiday but haven’t been back for years. Jane wanted to see it again before…” he trailed off pretending to be upset.

The Captain was looking uncomfortable. “I’m sorry but we have to search you. There’s been a serious incident nearby and we’re looking for some people.” He flicked his head and two men and two women came forward. The older woman started patting down Yaz but the younger one who was standing in front of the Doctor was looking unsure.

“Uh can you stand madam?” she asked.

The Doctor took a breath and gave a weak cough, grabbing Yaz’s hand as if for support. Yaz bent down beside her again. “It’s okay love” she whispered, loud enough for the two soldiers to hear. She pretended to adjust the oxygen tubes. “Keep going like you’re struggling to breathe. I’m going to make a meal out of using the full face mask and then help you get up. Let me do the work. You’re doing great.” She breathed in her ear.

Yaz was slightly shaken when the Doctor gave some very realistic wheezes for someone who didn’t actually have lungs. She turned to the soldiers. “Just give us a sec” she asked. She pulled the full face oxygen mask out of the bag, deliberately knocking the Doctor’s scarf off in the process to show off the full extent of the burn damage, and secured it over her face, coaching her through a few breaths.

When they decided they had done enough Yaz caught her eye. “They need to search you love” she said gently and put one arm around her waist and the other under her elbow and started to lever her up while the Doctor fake coughed and wheezed.

“Don’t worry about it madam. You seem like a nice family. But you do need to evacuate the area. Where’s your car?”

“Couple of miles that way. We hike a lot.”

“We can’t let you hike in this area today but we will escort you to your car.

They looked at each other uneasily. Not what they had planned on. Graham butted in, thinking on his feet.

“That’s really nice of you but there’s no way Jane could make it into that truck and even if she could, she wouldn’t be strong enough to sit up without her wheelchair” he invented.

“Not a problem. We can lift her and the chair and all and hold it secure in the truck. Which was how the Doctor found herself being hoisted into the air by several burly soldiers, chair and all, while the Captain took their details from Ryan.

Yaz and the Doctor kept up their charade on the way back as the Doctor pretended to droop lower and lower in her wheelchair while Yaz comforted and reassured her. When they were dropped off Yaz and Graham made a big deal of lifting the Doctor into the car while the soldiers watched. As Graham drove off, they escorted them as far as a perimeter fence that had sprung up on the road.

“Should we head straight home Doc rather than hanging around here?”

The Doctor pulled her mask off, dropping it into her lap and sitting up straight. “No. It looks suspicious, Ryan said we were staying another night and they might come round to check. We’ll hide the extrapolator in mine and Yaz’s bed. If anyone comes knocking answer the door slowly. I’ll get into the bed and Yaz will come with me. We’ll come up with something. You guys can do your thing. Everyone understand?”

“Do you really think they’re going to come looking?”

“Yes. I know that Captain. I helped train him. If he’s remembered anything I taught him he will be round later.”

“If you know him why are we doing this? Why didn’t he recognise you?”

“I’ve changed since then. I was a young man then with a bow-tie and a fez, about the same age as Ryan and Yaz. He wouldn’t recognise me. And I have nothing to prove it. This way is easier. You’re right Graham, the way people see me now, they won’t look too closely. But he will want to catch us out so they’ll give us time to think we’re safe. They’ll probably watch us for a while first. I’m going to put the mask back on just in case. He was more suspicious than he let on.”

Back at the house they all slipped back into character helping the Doctor inside. Yaz got her dressed and tucked her into the bed, propped up with pillows, including the one from the wheelchair under her foot with the extrapolator hidden underneath.

The Doctor’s prediction turned out to be right and two hours later, there was a harsh knock on the door.

Graham slowly walked to the door, locking eye contact with Yaz to show they were ready. Yaz and the Doctor had already decided to that they would go through some of the physiotherapy routines they had done when she was first hurt.

Graham showed the Captain into the room as Yaz was pretending to work the Doctor’s shoulder, showing off her burns in full. Although the Doctor seemed fine with what they were it, Yaz was struggling to concentrate on what she was doing. Even though Yaz knew she was faking, seeing her slumped over, propped up with pillows, oxygen mask on, while Yaz tried to manipulate her shattered body into doing what it was supposed to was tearing her up inside.

Their ruse seemed to work, the Captain had a cursory look round but didn’t truly search the place and left pretty quickly. He seemed unnerved by the apparently dying woman in front of him.

As soon as the soldiers left they tightly shut the curtains and the Doctor got out of bed, strapped her leg on and confidently strode into the living room with Ryan and Graham to gloat over her find, leaving Yaz in the bedroom alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: Hard times for Yaz, the Doctor and Najia spend some time together.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some bad times for Yaz, Najia helps out the Doctor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m debating adding an epilogue, let me know in the comments what you would like to see in an epilogue for this fic.

Yaz sat in her own back garden, sipping a mug of tea. It was still early, and she was dressed for work when the Doctor came out to join her. Yaz watched her walk out over the slippery grass, a flicker of pride that she couldn’t even tell the Doctor had a prosthetic leg as she strode confidently across the grass.

“Morning Yaz. Sleep ok?” she asked.

“Course” Yaz lied.

The Doctor looked at her, her face scrunched disbelievingly, suspiciously.

“You would tell me if something was wrong, wouldn’t you?”

“Course I would. But there’s nothing really. I’m fine Doctor. But I’m going to be late for work.” She jumped up from the bench quickly and practically sprinted out of the garden, snatching her hand back to herself before the Doctor’s fingers could close on it fully.

“Yaz!” the Doctor called after her. But Yaz kept walking, hurrying out of the garden, leaving the Doctor hurt and confused. Yaz hadn’t been right since they had returned from Wales a week ago. She had become more and more distant. Physically present but not there and the Doctor had no idea why.

She got up sadly and headed back inside to the garage to get on with her work. There was nothing more she could do until Yaz came home but she promised herself that she would try and tackle the issue when Yaz got back later. Maybe she could make a nice dinner? No… scratch that… maybe she could order in a nice dinner?

The Doctor was leaning against the bench, soldering two wires together when she was startled from her concentration by a loud rapping on the door that wasn’t stopping.

She groaned in frustration as the two pieces of wire fell apart again. “Bloody postman” she muttered as she went to the front door.

But it wasn’t the postman.

“Najia!” she exclaimed. “Yaz isn’t here. She’s at work.”

“No Doctor she isn’t. I’m here to collect you. We had a call, Yaz has been hurt, she’s in hospital.”

The Doctor felt all the blood rush from her head and suddenly she felt like she couldn’t stand. Her real knee gave out but the prosthetic one was locked in place causing her to tilt dangerously sideways until Najia grabbed her and guided her into a chair, forcing her head between her knees.

The Doctor allowed her to do it, knowing that Najia probably needed to do something and unable to explain that it wouldn’t actually help. “What happened?” she asked.

“I don’t know love. Her dad’s away for a few days and I’m not calling him until I have something concrete to tell him. But we have to go now. All I know is that she wasn’t able to call me herself. I thought you would want to come.”

“Yeah. Yes. I’m coming. Let me grab my chair.” She got up, grabbing the wall for support and went into the living room where her wheelchair was and quickly dismantled it into the back of Najia’s car. She didn’t know how long they would be and didn’t want to be stuck.

Najia’s knuckles were white as she gripped the steering wheel, driving as fast as she could towards the hospital. She hustled the Doctor into the wheelchair as soon as they arrived, not giving her a chance to walk or even push herself as she sprinted towards the A&E department, practically launching herself at the desk.

“My daughter is a police officer. I was told she had been hurt at work and had been brought here but I don’t know anything else.”

The nurse looked like she had seen it all before. “PC Khan was brought in a couple of hours ago. I’ll get someone to come and see you.”

The Doctor recognised the look on Najia’s face and grabbed her hand. It was the same one Yaz had when she was totally and completely overwhelmed. “Najia come and sit down. She’ll be OK. Come on” she gently tugged Najia towards the waiting area.

Najia sat, her posture stiff and the Doctor flicked at her fingers anxiously while they waited.

Thankfully it was only a few minutes before a Doctor appeared. She was very pretty, with a neat blonde bob, very similar to how the Doctor used to wear her own, stethoscope draped around her neck and deep blue scrubs which she managed to look surprisingly good in. She introduced herself as Doctor Alison Sutton, shaking hands with Najia and the Doctor.

“PC Khan was brought into us earlier this morning. From what we understand she was called to a domestic disturbance where she was attacked with a cricket bat and has suffered severe bruising to the ribs which we have strapped up, a nasty head laceration which we stitched and a concussion. We have admitted her to the ward for observation. You can see her one at a time as long as you keep her calm but there’s only half an hour left of visiting times. Providing no concerning symptoms appear from the concussion she should be able to go home tomorrow. She’s on ward thirteen but I’m heading that way so I’ll show you where to go.”

Doctor Sutton tucked her hair reflexively behind her ears as she stood up. The Doctor noticed a star cuff earring as she followed the woman down corridors, through doors and up in lifts until Dr Sutton stopped abruptly.

“PC Khan is in the side room through here. One at a time please. And not for too long, she needs rest.”

“You go first” said the Doctor, sending Najia in in front of her. As she pushed the door open the Doctor got a brief glance at Yaz. She was lying still, so still, with oxygen in her nose, a bandage around her head and tubes in her arm. It made her want to be sick and she hunched over in her wheelchair, holding her stomach and panting for breath.

She wasn’t sure how long she had been sitting there when she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder.

“Are you okay Miss?” asked a voice. The Doctor looked up, surprised to see Doctor Sutton back though this time dressed in ordinary clothes, clearly on her way home.

“What? Yeah, yeah I’m fine thanks.” She was annoyed with herself as she wheezed slightly as she said it.

Doctor Sutton bent down in front of her. “I think you’re having a panic attack. I want you to copy me and breathe like I am okay?” The Doctor nodded, her anxiety increasing significantly with the earth doctor in front of her and what would happen if she lifted a stethoscope or tried to take her pulse.

Thankfully Dr Alison Sutton did neither, instead coaching the Doctor through in just a few minutes.

“I know having loved ones in hospital is hard but Yaz will be fine. Is she your wife?”

“She’s my girlfriend. Been with me through a lot, can’t begin to say how special she is.”

“Well when you get in to see her make sure you tell her that okay? Now that you’re alright I’m going to head home, will you be alright?”

The Doctor was just about to reply when Najia appeared.

“Doctor are you okay?” The Doctor looked up to Najia’s kind face.

“Yeah. I’m fine. Always fine me.” She looked towards the door to Yaz’s room.

“I’ll leave you two to it” smiled Dr Sutton, picking up her handbag from where she had abandoned it on the floor. The Doctor gestured towards the door of Yaz’s room.

“I’m sorry Doctor, the painkillers have knocked her out. She’s asleep. The nurse has said we can come back tomorrow afternoon if she hasn’t already been discharged by then.”

“How is she?”

“She’s in pain from her ribs. Slightly loopy from the painkillers. But she says she’ll see us tomorrow.”

“Did you phone Yaz’s dad?”

“No he’s away for work. He’ll kill me when he gets back but she’s going to be fine and he’s just been promoted. Don’t want to distract him.”

Najia noticed the Doctor’s hands shaking slightly as she got into her car. “Doctor she’s fine. Absolutely fine.”

“I know Najia, I just worry about her.”

“I know you do. We’ll come back in the morning and you can take care of her at home. Give her some of that TLC she’s been giving you and spend some time together. But tonight we’re going to go home. I’m going to make us something to eat and you’re going to sleep because you really don’t look great.”

“Kind of the general state of how I look these days Najia.”

Najia lightly touched her wrist. “Not what I meant, and you know it.”

Najia parked the car in her usual underground spot. “I’m sorry I don’t have your badge from Yaz’s car, can you manage?”

“Yes I’m fine. Really. Only brought my chair because I wasn’t sure how long we would be.”

The Doctor walked beside Najia towards their flat. She could feel Najia’s eyes on her and felt like Najia was judging her now, watching to make sure she was a suitable partner for her daughter. The Doctor couldn’t blame her, the last time she had been here she had had an embarrassing panic attack and had ended up locked in the bathroom, sobbing on the floor and requiring oxygen. Yaz was going to need some looking after when he got out of hospital and the woman who was lying on the bathroom floor on oxygen wasn’t the person to do it. Najia needed to be sure she was up to it. The Doctor understood that.

Najia let them into the flat, slipping her shoes off and putting her slippers on. She was surprised when the Doctor did the same.

“Do you want slippers?” she asked.

“No, not enough support in slippers. I’m better bare foot” she explained, tucking her socks into her shoes. Najia tried not to stare at the slightly odd sight of the black, metal prosthetic ankle and plastic foot sticking out of her trouser leg.

Najia headed into the kitchen and the Doctor followed. “I’m going to make a Biryani. It’s Yaz’s favourite. You can take the leftovers home with you tomorrow night. Do you cook Doctor?”

“Errr no. No not really. Yaz won’t even let me make tea. Says I put too much sugar in it. How can you have too much sugar?”

“Your dentist must love you” commented Najia dryly, handing the Doctor a recipe. “Here make yourself useful. That’s my mums recipe for Naan bread. Follow it carefully and it works every time. It’s pretty simple, I’m sure you can manage it.”

The Doctor panicked slightly looking at the recipe. She still wasn’t good with written instructions, especially ones she was previously unfamiliar with. She rammed her glasses onto her face but the words stubbornly refused to come into focus.

Najia noticed her panic. “Yaz mentioned you’re still having a few brain issues love. Here, this might help.” She gave the Doctor a sheet of plastic with a slit in it that moved up and down. “Sonya is dyslexic. When she was a kid she really struggled and we used to put this over stuff she was reading so she only had to look at one line at a time. Might help you.”

The Doctor was touched. “Thanks Najia.”

She was right. One instruction at a time was working and she was able to mostly concentrate on the instructions to at least attempt the bread.

“Where is Sonya?” she asked, realising suddenly that Yaz’s sister hadn’t been at the hospital and wasn’t here now.

“I don’t know. I’ve left lots of messages but she hasn’t got back to me. She knows I’m home now, hopefully she’ll come home as soon as she gets them.”

She was interrupted by a shout from the hallway. “Speaking of, brace yourself.” Najia warned.

“Mum! I got your messages! What’s happened?” Sonya had appeared in the kitchen, panting from where she had been running. She hadn’t even noticed the Doctor sitting at the kitchen table.

“Calm down Sonya. Yaz is okay. She’s been hurt at work but I’ve seen her. She’s asleep and they’re keeping her in tonight but she’ll be able to come home tomorrow.”

“Can I see her?”

“Visiting hours are over love. You can help us collect her in the morning if you like?”

“Us?”

“Hi Sonya” said the Doctor nervously from behind her. The last time she had seen Sonya had been mid-panic attack on the floor of the bathroom. She hadn’t come over for dinner any of the times Yaz’s parents had come to visit.

“Oh great. What are you doing here?”

“Sonya!” remonstrated Najia, sounding surprised at her daughters rudeness.

“What? Yaz has spent most of the last year doing everything for her. Wiping her backside and everything else for her and the minute Yaz can’t do it she latches onto the next person to do it all for her!”

Sonya turned round and stormed out of the flat.

“Doctor I would like to apologise on behalf of my daughter. She had no right to speak to you like that.”

“It’s alright. Don’t worry about it.”

“No it isn’t alright. And I want you to know Hakim and I don’t think that. We know Yaz was helping you but we’ve spent more time with you both together recently. You love each other, it’s clear to anyone. Just because Yaz has to help you out with some things doesn’t mean your partnership is unequal. She talks to me, I know you help her through when she has a bad day. I know you take care of her.”

“Thank-you Najia. I want you to know that I would never purposefully harm or take advantage of Yaz. I love her too much for that.”

“I know you do Doctor. Love her, that’s all we ask.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: The Doctor and Yaz have a conversation.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yaz and the Doctor talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter to go :(
> 
> Still toying with an epilogue or sequel so let me know in the comments if you would be interested and if so what you would want to see.
> 
> I have also started writing a series of one shots and shorter pieces that are 2-3 chapters in length. All hurt/comfort, whump based and I am accepting prompts so let me know if there is anything you would like to read!
> 
> Did anyone recognise the name Dr Sutton from the last chapter ; )

The Doctor and Najia collected Yaz together early the next afternoon but it was early evening when Najia managed to stop fussing and go home. Though not until she made Yaz was comfortably propped up on the sofa with the remote and pain relief within reach before excusing herself.

The Doctor went into the kitchen to heat up the Biryani which she brought into Yaz. Yaz took it, thanking her but without looking at her. She had flicked the television on to a game show, the one where the host looked like Graham. Usually when they watched the show the pair of them got really competitive, trying to beat the candidates and each other. Tonight, they were silent. All afternoon the Doctor had been longing to have Yaz to herself in the hope that they could talk, now that she did, she didn’t know what to say.

The Doctor knew something was wrong. What she didn’t know was what it was. When she had finished eating Yaz left her plate on the coffee table, took a dose of the painkillers and announced that she was going to bed. The Doctor immediately got up to help her out. Bruised ribs were surprisingly painful and you didn’t realise how much you moved when you showered and got dressed until you were in pain which she definitely knew from experience.

“I’m fine Doctor. I don’t need your help.”

“I was going to keep you company.”

“There’s no need. I know you slept at mums last night, she told me so. You won’t get any benefit from watching me sleep. Go do your whatever it is that you’re doing in my garage.” And she turned around, heading up the stairs while leaning heavily on the bannister.

The Doctor watched her go, anxiously, sadly. She knew it wasn’t wasy to accept help but Yaz was suffering.

The Doctor gathered up the dishes they had left and slowly took them through to the kitchen, trying to work out what she could possibly have done to upset Yaz. The only thing she could think of was that Yaz had finally grown sick of her. The Doctor knew she had been a lot of work but that was pretty much behind them. Najia had been right, they were more equal now, but that didn’t mean that Yaz couldn’t be tired of her.

As she made her way out to the garage the phone rang and she veered off towards the hall, fully expecting it to be Najia checking in or one of the boys wanting an update. She was therefore very surprised to here Rick, Yaz’s partner on the force.

“Yaz has taken painkillers and has gone to bed” she explained. “Can I take a message or get her to ring you back in the morning?”

“Don’t worry, it’s fine. Just wanted to let her know that she has been cleared for two weeks medical leave and really I was just phoning to check in. I’ll ring her tomorrow. Chat to you again…”

“Rick, before you go, what happened?”

“She hasn’t told you?”

“She won’t talk to me. Somethings wrong but I don’t know what.”

“To be honest I thought it was trouble on the domestic front…”

“She was upset about the body she saw last week. But we talked about it and she seemed fine. But what happened today? How did she get hurt?”

“We were called to a domestic incident, reported by a neighbour. I went to the front door, Yaz went to the back. The man was aggressive and rude. Yaz convinced the woman to let her in through the back door but I was denied entrance at the front door. The man shut the door in my face but he saw Yaz. I got in there as soon as I could but he already had her on the floor. She never should have rushed in like that and she knows it. She wasn’t even wearing her body armour. I don’t know what she was thinking.”

“It’s not your fault Rick. Thanks for telling me.”

The Doctor hung up the phone thoughtfully. Yaz was many things but she loved her job and was aware of its realities. She wasn’t reckless and she knew procedure inside out. She had spent days studying it quietly by the light of the console room.

The Doctor made her way out to the garage to get on, propping the door open behind her in case Yaz cried out, hoping that she would be able to distract herself until Yaz woke up and she could talk to her. She had a feeling that Yaz would try and avoid the subject but whatever was wrong needed to be dealt with if Yaz was going to start throwing herself into stupidly dangerous situations on purpose.

A little after midnight the Doctor heard Yaz stirring upstairs. She immediately put down the extrapolator they had salvaged in Wales and went upstairs. Yaz was curled up in the sheets which were twisted around her. She was clammy and moaning softly, pleading about something. Although the Doctor couldn’t really make out her words, she heard her own name a couple of times.

She made her way to the far side of the bed, leaning her crutches against the wall and kneeling on the floor beside Yaz. She shook her gently. “Yaz, Yaz wake up, its just a dream.”

Yaz moaned, swiping her arm out to the Doctor, fending off the shaking. The Doctor caught her hand easily, switching to soothingly rubbing her arm. Like every other night recently, the Doctor wasn’t able to rouse Yaz from whatever nightmare she was having but she did manage to settle her into what appeared to be a more restful sleep.

The following morning Yaz slept late, not appearing downstairs until nearly 10am. The Doctor had been listening out for her and had a mug of tea and some toast ready on the table for her. She was pleased to see that she walked down the stairs much more freely than she had gone up them the night before. She also seemed to be more lucid so the Doctor deduced that she hadn’t taken one of the heavy duty painkillers she had been prescribed and was working through the over the counter stuff she had in her medicine cabinet which she had heard unlock and relock. It hadn’t escaped the Doctor’s notice that Yaz had removed all aspirin from the house a while ago and the few supplies she did keep were locked away.

“Morning Yaz!” she greeted brightly. “I made you breakfast!”

Yaz didn’t make eye contact, instead eyeing the food warily. “Don’t worry there’s no sugar in your tea and even I can’t mess up toast.” Yaz raised her eye slightly at that comment but sat down on the sofa and nibbled it tentatively.

“How’s your ribs and head this morning?”

“Headaches mostly gone. Ribs not so bad, just took regular painkillers this morning instead of the industrial ones.”

“You need to change the bandage on your head today. I could help if you like?”

“Oh… its okay Doctor, you don’t need to do that for me. I can manage.” Was it the Doctor’s imagination or was that panic that flashed across Yaz’s features as the Doctor had offered help.

“I know you can manage Yaz. But I am _A_ Doctor as well as _THE_ Doctor. Might as well take advantage.”

Yaz didn’t respond and an uncomfortable silence fell between the two with only the noise of Yaz eating toast breaking it. The Doctor waited until she was finished, sitting on the far end of the sofa. She had already shoved the remotes behind the cushion she was leaning on so Yaz wouldn’t be able to flick the Television on in order to ignore her.

“Yaz are we going to talk about it?”

“Talk about what?” she looked startled, like a bunny caught in the headlights.

“Whatever is bothering you. You’ve been upset for a week, ever since Wales. And I know you went charging in to that domestic without bothering to put your armour on. Rick’s covered for you by the way.”

Yaz had the decency to look embarrassed by that. “I’m fine Doctor. There’s nothing wrong.”

“Don’t lie to me Yaz. I am Queen of saying things are fine when they’re not and look where its got me.”

“It’s nothing Doctor” Yaz protested weakly.

“You sound less convincing every time you say that. Don’t say its nothing. I know you’ve been having nightmares. I’ve been resettling you at least once a night since we were in Wales. I’m going to find out one way or another so you might as well tell me.”

“You wouldn’t…” Yaz gasped, staring at her fingers.

The Doctor attempted to take Yaz’s hands in her own but Yaz gasped and snatched them away before she could. The Doctor smiled at her sadly. “Yaz I would never read your mind without your permission. I love and respect you far too much to do that. Besides I can’t do my thing just by holding your hands. But please tell me what’s wrong” she pleads.

“I can’t” came the whispered reply.

“Are you worried about upsetting me?” Yaz looked away, confirming the Doctor’s suspicions. “Yaz if you want to break up with me I would understand.” It breaks her to say that but she needs Yaz to know she can end it if that’s what she wants.

“What! No Doctor. That’s not it at all.”

The Doctor can’t deny the relief that courses through her. “So then tell me. Please.”

Yaz took a deep breath. “When we were in Wales, when we were running from the military police. My rational brain knew that you were faking being so ill. But it just brought it all back. I know you don’t remember it very well, even the parts you were conscious for. But you were so sick. I had no idea what I was doing, I was doing my best but I clearly didn’t do a very good job because your face is still burnt, your brain is wonky and I had to help amputate your leg in my fucking bedroom.”

“Yaz I’m so sorry…”

“But during all that I was able to console myself and say ‘it’s okay Yaz, she doesn’t know what’s happening. She can’t feel the pain you’re putting her through.’ But then you did wake up and you were screaming in agony. You screamed for days, weeks even. Every time I had to force you to wear that splint on your hand so you would be able to use it now. Or help you with physio. Or clean your burns. Or dress your leg. Or sometimes for no physical reason at all and it was all coming from whatever was going on inside your head.”

The Doctor was silent. It was all coming out and she knew Yaz had to say it before they could deal with it.

“And then that wasn’t even the end. Every little humiliating thing I had to put you through. Washing you. Dressing you. Taking you to the bathroom. Forcing you to eat when I knew most of the food would dribble back out again. I know you thought me heartless and I was, I had to be. You were always in charge but you were in no position to make those decisions for yourself. It was like I was torturing you, just replicating the hell you had already been through in the vague reassurance that it was in your best interest. And seeing you like that again, even when I knew you were pretending just brought all those feelings back.”

Yaz had curled in on herself, a tight ball of tension as she almost shouted her words. She shoved her fist in her face as if she was physically trying to stop the words from coming out.

The Doctor stared at her. While she didn’t really remember much, Ryan had given her a lot of the details. By all accounts Yaz had been the strong one through everything. But perhaps that had been to her detriment. She hadn’t asked for help and none of them had thought much about the impact it had had on her.

“Yasmin Khan you need to listen to this. It’s very important. I can never, ever, repay you for what you have done for me. I can never thank you enough. You saved not just my life but my mind too. If the Master had decided to dump me in some hospital somewhere they might have managed to save my body but they would have dumped me in an asylum. The Mhufeist are well known, they have entire ships dedicated to their victims but they don’t even try and treat them anymore because they know they can’t, they just leave them to rot where they can’t damage anyone else. You have no idea how much you have saved me from.”

Yaz was crying now as the tears poured down her cheeks.

“I was so scared all the time. Scared of doing the wrong thing. Scared of hurting you. Scared you would die or hurt yourself. Scared you wouldn’t hear how much I love you ever again. And I was so powerless to do anything about it.” She manages to choke out.

“Yaz you are so far from powerless. I can’t even begin to imagine how strong you had to be. I wish I could change things so you didn’t have to go through it.”

Yaz hadn’t moved, the Doctor couldn’t even be sure she heard her. She grabbed Yaz under the arms and dragged her across the sofa so she was resting more comfortably in her arms. The Doctor adjusted her hold slightly so Yaz’s head was leaning against her chest and she gently ran her fingers through her hair. Yaz was clutching her arm tightly like a lifeline.

“Do you remember sitting like this in the TARDIS? The boys had gone to bed I think and it was just you and me. We sat in the TARDIS doorway watching cosmic fireworks in exactly this position. It was the first time I kissed you.”

“I remember. I was listening to your hearts and you said something to me so I looked up and you just did it. I was so shocked because I’d wanted to kiss you for so long at that point I never thought it would happen and then you kissed me. It was so much more explosive for me than the fireworks outside.”

Yaz moved her head slightly so she could hear the Doctor’s heartbeats again. “I was so worried I would never hear this again. It’s so soothing.”

The Doctor snorted slightly. “Glad to be of service.”

“I wish you could hold me forever.”

“I’m all yours Yaz. Thanks to you I’m not going anywhere.” She gently cupped Yaz’s cheek and leaned down for a kiss. “So what do we do with you now Yasmin Khan?”

“I’m fine Doctor. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said all that. Don’t know where it came from.”

“Yes you do. Don’t deny yourself like that. I am so sorry I put you through everything I put you through. I am going to spend as long as it takes making it up to you. But I am also so grateful that you did. I was unsavable and you saved me. No one else could have done that.” She kissed Yaz again, her lips barely grazing the side of Yaz’s temple and held her even tighter in her arms.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for being patient. I wrote the last chapter to this weeks ago but when it came to publishing it I couldn't do it, it just didn't feel right. So I have added in a whole new bit that was never originally going to happen. Don't know how regularly I will be updating as it's not written yet but I'll do my best. I'm also working on several shorter pieces for a series of one-shots that I mentioned. Ideas and prompts are still welcome by the way!

The Doctor was sitting on the edge of the bed she now shared with Yaz wrapped in a dressing gown after a shower. She was examining what was left of her right leg, twisting and turning trying to see the end of it where the scars from the stitches still were, wincing slightly when her fingers touched a sensitive spot.

“Hey Yaz, can you come in here for a minute?” she called.

Yaz appeared round the bedroom door, the Doctor smiled at her in greeting trying to ignore how tired Yaz looked. She hadn’t really slept for a few weeks now, the Doctor kept having to resettle her from nightmares.

“What’s the matter?” Yaz asked wearily.

“You okay?” the Doctor asked, her brow scrunched with worry.

“I’m fine. Just tired, what’s the matter.”

“I’m sorry to ask, can you look at my leg for me? It hurts but I can’t see it well enough.” She asked guiltily.

Yaz crossed the room and sat down beside her.

“Lie down for me.”

The Doctor complied and lay down, propping her head up on her pillow. Yaz lifted her leg so she could see what the problem was. The Doctor could feel her gentle fingers probing lightly.

“I think you have a pressure sore love.”

The Doctor rolled her eye, dropping her leg back. “Feels like I can’t catch a break.”

Yaz got up and went into the bathroom where they kept their not insignificant collection of first aid supplies.

“Do you want me to…?” She broke off noticing the Doctor had turned her head away from her, allowing the soft pillow to conceal her face. She put the box of first aid supplies on the bed and sat down beside the Doctor.

“Hey, no shame remember? I don’t think any less of you because you need help sometimes.” Yaz reassured. The Doctor nodded slightly. It was still her default to go silent when she was upset.

“Can I look at your leg? Please?”

The Doctor nodded but didn’t turn her head to look at Yaz or move to help her out. Yaz gently lifted The Doctor’s leg and rested it on her own lap, pulling on a pair of gloves from the first aid kit. The pressure sore was deep, too deep really. She suspected the Doctor had been walking on it for days without mentioning it.

“How long have you been walking on this?” she mused out loud, not really expecting an answer. “This is probably going to hurt a little.” She warned.

Yaz used anti-septic wipes and spray to clean the wound as best she could. It was about as big as a £2 coin though deep and nasty looking, already infected. Yaz dressed it with a plaster, padded it with some cotton wool and bandaged the end of her stump.

“All done” she said gently. The Doctor rolled over and curled up facing away from Yaz. Yaz picked up the used supplies, chucking them into the bathroom bin and washing her hands. Back in the bedroom she lay down beside the Doctor and laced their hands together. She rubbed circles into the Doctor’s hand with her thumb absent-mindedly which the Doctor responded to by squeezing back.

“We’re going to be okay aren’t we?” asked Yaz softly.

“What do you mean?”

“The two of us. Neither of us are exactly healthy right now. I can’t get control of my nightmares. I’m making stupid choices at work. You’re still having issues with your brain injury and PTSD. It’s not exactly a conventional relationship.”

“We’ll be fine Yaz. You keep loving me and I’ll keep loving you. It’s all anyone can do.”

There was a pause, though the silence was not uncomfortable, each woman lost in her own thoughts.

The Doctor spoke first. “Maybe we’re going about this wrong. We never really broke up officially but we haven’t really been dating as such. Maybe we need to make more of an effort to spend time together.”

“We live together. We’re always together unless I’m at work.”

The Doctor sat up slightly, propping her head up with her hand but still facing Yaz. “Exactly. We exist together and live together. But we don’t make time to just be together. What I’m saying Yaz is, will you go out on a date with me?”

Yaz looked at her in surprise. “Of course I will. What did you have in mind?”

The Doctor leaned over and kissed her. “For me to figure out, for you to be surprised.”

Yaz felt herself stomach give a pleasant lurch that she dimly recognised from when she had first started to fall in love with the Doctor.

“Shall we get up? My parents are still expecting us for lunch.”

The Doctor pulled herself into a sitting position, looking longingly at her prosthetic.

“Don’t even think about it.” Warned Yaz. “I know you’ve been walking on it for days. If you had stopped the day it had started to hurt it would have only taken a day or two to heal. Now you’re going to be off it for a fortnight.”

“It’s not going to take that long to…

“A fortnight Doctor. Now get dressed. Are your crutches up here or downstairs?”

“In the hall, beside my wheelchair” she muttered mutinously.

Yaz went downstairs and grabbed them for her before she could attempt to put her prosthetic back on. Upstairs the two women got dressed for Sunday lunch, the Doctor in her customary outfit and Yaz in jeans and a blouse.

“I love you in that blouse.” The Doctor commented.

Yaz raised her eyebrows questioningly. “It’s what you were wearing after we had those giant spiders. The night you agreed to come with me officially rather than me accidentally kidnapping you.”

Yaz snorted. “I can’t believe you remember what I was wearing.”

“I bet you remember what I was wearing.”

“Of course I do. You had one outfit! Even when we went somewhere historical you wore the same thing while we got all dressed up.

“It was a timeless classic.” She argued defensively.

Yaz snorted, declining from making a comment on the Doctor’s dress sense. She helped the Doctor fix her scarf and braided her own hair.

They left the bedroom together and went down the stairs, Yaz grabbed her handbag and they headed out to the car. The Doctor took her wheelchair out and dismantled it into the backseat of the car although she left it in the car when they went up to Yaz’s parents.

Yaz knocked on the door and then let them in with her key.

“Nani!” cried Yaz in delight after she and the Doctor had taken off their shoes. “It’s so good to see you.” She threw herself into her grandmothers waiting arms, resting her head on her shoulder as her Nani wrapped her in a warm embrace.

The Doctor had made her way to the kitchen to see if she could offer any help to Najia while Yaz spent some time catching up with Umbreen. She looked very different now but she still hoped that Umbreen wouldn’t recognise her. Najia was glad of the help and quickly put the Doctor to work with making the Naan bread again. She handed the Doctor a set of written instructions which she had spaced out carefully to make them easier to read along with the ingredients and the Doctor fished her glasses out of her pocket to help. Hopefully they would also help in making her hard to recognise.

It wasn’t long before the Doctor had made the bread and Najia had made the curry and rice they were having with it. Hakim and Sonya had arrived home and he had made a salad while Sonya had gone straight to her bedroom to hide, greeting her grandmother and ignoring the Doctor.

The Doctor knew she couldn’t avoid meeting Umbreen all evening and went through to the living room where she and Yaz were sitting on the sofa together catching up.

“Nani this is my friend Doctor Jane Smith. I don’t think you two have met.”

The Doctor sat in the armchair next to Umbreen, leant her crutches against the chair and offered Umbreen her hand. “Nice to meet you Umbreen.”

Umbreen clasped her hand with both of hers warmly. Her eyes were steely as she gazed at the Doctor knowingly. “It’s good to see you Doctor. You should know I never forget a face, even when it has changed as much as yours.” She reached out and gently touched the scars on the Doctor’s face, turning her head for a better look. “I have seen scars such as these before, I hope you are safe now?”

The Doctor found she didn’t mind Umbreen’s touch and allowed the woman to scrutinise her. She gave her a small but reassuring smile, “Yaz has looked after me. I am doing much better now. Thank-you.”

“I won’t ask how you know my granddaughter because I don’t think you would tell me the truth seeing as under those scars you don’t appear to have aged a single day since my wedding seventy-three years ago.”

Thank-fully the Doctor was saved from trying to come up with an appropriate answer by Hakim calling the family to have their dinner. The table was groaning under the weight of the food on it and its spicy fragrance had permeated the entire flat making the Doctor hungry. Food was still difficult for her, she had to concentrate to make sure it didn’t dribble out again like she was a toddler. Yaz rarely made things that were full of sauce or came with rice which helped. Now she was going to have to tackle both in front of Yaz’s entire family. She took a deep breath, mentally preparing herself.

Yaz gently helped her Grandmother to her feet and into the kitchen. The Doctor found she had to look away. Umbreen was an old woman by human standards who had lived a hard life. But Yaz had had to help her in the same way and indeed more. She looked young but by Timelord standards she wasn’t particularly old.

Yaz helped her grandmother sit down beside Najia. The Doctor sat opposite Hakim which left her next to Sonya with an empty space on the other side for Yaz to sit between her and Umbreen. She flustered for a moment over her crutches, unsure if she should just drop them on the floor or not in case someone fell over them later but Yaz took them off her without comment and propped them up against the window sill before sliding into her seat and giving the Doctor’s hand a reassuring squeeze under the table.

The family quickly tucked in, scooping curry and rice onto their bread. The Doctor watched for a moment feeling anxious. She wasn’t sure her dexterity was good enough for this. Yaz gave her a subtle nudge and pointed out the cutlery next to her plate which the Doctor had missed because of her reduced peripheral vision. She smiled at Yaz in thanks picked up the spoon. No one else seemed to have noticed anything.

For a few minutes there was silence as the family concentrated on eating. The Doctor was relieved, not looking like she had been in a food fight was much higher on her priority list than engaging in polite conversation and she wasn’t sure she could concentrate on both.

As conversation resumed she could hear Yaz on her left was busy reassuring her mum and grandmother that the man who had assaulted her was going to be charged and that the Doctor had been taking good care of her while Sonya was reassuring Hakim that she had filled in the job applications he had left out for her.

Clearly annoyed and bored with fending off her dad Sonya interrupted the others instead. “So Yaz” she asked “What are you doing for your birthday this year?”

Yaz coughed, choking slightly on a mouthful of food and shooting daggers at her sister.

“Nothing Sonya. Same as last year.”

“But last year you were in mourning. Come on you haven’t had a night out for ages.”

“Sonya, I just don’t feel like celebrating alright.”

“But…”

“Sonya, Yaz doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to. Leave her alone” Hakim’s unusually firm tone left little room for argument and he further dispelled the situation by pulling Sonya into the kitchen to help him with the dishes while Najia ushered everyone else went into the living room for coffee. Yaz and the Doctor curled into the same armchair allowing Najia and Umbreen the sofa.

Yaz could feel the Doctor watching her and knew she wasn’t safe from the topic of her birthday.

“So when were you going to mention that it’s your birthday next week?” the Doctor asked as soon as she had made them both a cup of tea and they were sitting on the sofa at home.

“I wasn’t in all honesty Doctor.”

The Doctor shifted on the sofa so she was facing Yaz and put her now empty mug of tea on the coffee table.

“Sonya said you were in mourning. Why?”

Yaz raised her eyes to meet the Doctor’s. “You really have to ask?” when the Doctor didn’t answer Yaz continues. “We thought you were dead. You dropped off Ada and Noor and then us without a word. We knew you were going to do something dangerous but you wouldn’t tell us what. And then you didn’t come back. We just assumed. What else where we supposed to think?”

“But Yaz I was gone for seven months. Your birthday was after at least six, I know grieving can be a long process but you were working too much, moved away from your parents and hardly saw them, you didn’t spend time with Ryan and Graham and I assume not your other friends either and not celebrating with your family. That’s not healthy.”

“I’m fine Doctor.”

“Yeah? Why don’t you try telling that to your nightmares.”

Yaz flinched and turned away, snatching her hand back when the Doctor attempted to take hold of it.

“I’m sorry Yaz, that was uncalled for.”

“It’s fine.” Yaz muttered, her body language indicating that it was anything but fine but she didn’t move her hand away again when the Doctor attempted to take hold of it a second time.

“Yaz, if anything happens to me I need you to promise me that you will still lead a good life.” Yaz snaps her head around to look at the Doctor properly. “If I die, and for the record I have no plans to do so, the thing that would make me happiest is knowing you were happy and safe. Promise me Yaz, please.”

Her voice has turned from serious to pleading.

“I’ll promise you but only if you promise me the same thing.”

The Doctor have a small, sad smile. “It’s inevitable for me Yaz, you can spend the rest of your life with me but I can’t spend the rest of mine with you.”

Yaz realised she had never really thought about it before. She knew the Doctor was impossibly old but she had never really equated that age to what she must have lost.

“You’ve lost a lot of people.” She said softly. It was a statement not a question. Yaz squeezed the Doctor’s hand tighter and gently tugged her in closer so she was resting against her. She didn’t really expect the Doctor to reply, she had always been very closed off about her past and Yaz finally felt like she had a better understanding why.

“I have lost every person I ever cared about. My family, my friends, my entire planet is gone. The Master was my childhood friend, he’s the only other Timelord left apart from me. And yet he, and you, Ryan and Graham of course are all I have left in the universe.”

There was no way to respond to that so Yaz settled for pulling the Doctor in tighter. “It might not be for the rest of your life, but for the rest of mine I’m all yours. I’m here for you whatever you need.”

The Doctor leaned up and kissed Yaz, smiling at her warmly. “Don’t think this gets you out of celebrating your birthday by the way.”

Yaz groaned. “Damnit Sonya” she muttered.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yaz and the Doctor eventually get their date... and a surprise...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really not great with the fluff so hope this is ok.

The Doctor double checked the contents of the backpack she had found in Yaz’s wardrobe and fastened it tightly. It was Yaz’s birthday and she was picking her up from work so they could celebrate together. Her prosthetic leg was in the bedroom and she longed to put it on. When she wore it she could walk unaided and strangers stared less, she could usually manage stairs and steep hills mostly on her own and always with Yaz’s help. Without it people watched her and looked away again if she looked back. Her crutches were great for manoeuvrability around the house, but her plans were bigger than that today so she put the backpack on the back of her wheelchair. She knew full well if she walked to the station to collect Yaz, Yaz would march her straight back home and she couldn’t have that. Not today.

There was a knock on the door and Graham let himself in. “Alright Doc? Ready to go?”

“Yep all ready. You and Ryan know what you’re doing?”

“Got it all under control Doc. Ryan’s already left work. He’ll be here before I’ve dropped you off at the station.”

The Doctor handed him the bag she had packed and followed him out to the car, bumping down over the step and reaching up to lock the door behind her. Ryan had a key and would be able to let himself in. She dismantled her chair into the boot of Graham’s car and accepted his arm to get into the front passenger seat.

It was only a ten minute drive to the police station where Yaz was stationed, a large building left over from the 1980’s. The Doctor had picked Yaz up a couple of times from work though she had never made it inside the building before, Yaz was always waiting for her outside.

Graham pulled up as close as he could get, he didn’t have the Doctor’s blue badge which was in Yaz’s car and parked in the staff car park at the back of the building. The Doctor hesitated, looking around in confusion for Yaz who wasn’t there yet. She still wasn’t entirely comfortable with being out in public, especially in her wheelchair but she positively hated it without Yaz there for support. Yaz was always so strong when people were rude or patronising while she found herself floundering and unable to form a coherent response.

Graham sensed her hesitation. “I can wait with you Doc? Not a problem.”

The Doctor shook her head slightly and plastered her best attempt at a reassuring smile on her face. “No don’t worry Graham, I’m sure she won’t be long. You have everything you need for later?”

“Doc, we’ve got this. Go have your date with Yaz.” He reached out and gave her arm a gentle squeeze of encouragement. Against his gentlemanly instincts he stayed in the car and allowed the Doctor to get her own bag and wheelchair from the boot though he watched her carefully in the rear-view mirror in case she needed help.

When the Doctor was settled she rolled up to the window and sent Graham on his way. But once he was gone she dithered. Did she wait out here in this slightly dodgy looking car park or go inside and wait in there? Would she embarrass Yaz if she waited inside? Would she get arrested for suspicious behaviour if she was caught loitering outside a police station?

She was still dithering when two large, heavy-set men came lumbering up to the station. They smelled strongly of alcohol as it seemed to sweat out of their pores. Intimidated, the Doctor rolled back behind a car away from them but unfortunately it only served to attract their attention and they lurched over. Even if she was standing they would have had a significant height advantage over her but strapped into her wheelchair they were positively looming over her. They were talking to her but she couldn’t hear them, only aware of their foul breath, the pounding of her hearts and the ringing in her ears. She could feel the world darkening as she struggled to catch her breath before suddenly it was too bright under harsh, fluorescent lights. There was a police officer shouting at her but she couldn’t understand what he was saying. He was too close and he had his hands on her chair. She put her hands over her head, curling up protectively. Dimly she heard someone demanding they call for an ambulance. She tried to tell them she didn’t need one but it was more of a scream that came out. She became aware that she was on the floor. When had that happened? It was too bright, there were too many people, their hands all over her, their voices too loud. She curled up tighter unable to cope with all the stimulation that was assaulting her senses, groaning loudly to block it all out.

Four floors up Yaz hurriedly changed out of her uniform. She was late, her boss had made her finish some paperwork that definitely could have been done tomorrow but he was sadistic like that. The Doctor would be waiting for her so she stripped out of her uniform and wriggled into a pair of jeans and her leather jacket as fast as she could, not wanting to keep her girlfriend waiting any longer. They hadn’t been on a date for the best part of two years. She had no idea what the Doctor had planned but she couldn’t wait to find out. Yaz hurried down the stairs, eager to see the Doctor but was distracted by a commotion in the foyer. There was someone calling for an ambulance and what seemed like half the force were crowded around something on the floor. It was then she noticed a familiar wheelchair tipped over on the floor, empty.

Dread settled in the pit of her stomach and she pushed her way through the small crowd of anxious police officers. The Doctor was lying on the floor, curled tightly into a ball. One hand was pulling at the little hair she had, the other curled protectively around her head. Yaz could hear her groaning loudly and wheezing as she struggled to catch her breath. There were three of her colleagues crowding her and Yaz noticed they were all men and they were all touching her.

“Hey, step back” she commanded, her voice full of authority.

The three officers closest to the Doctor, Yaz noticed, were all high ranking detectives and took little notice of her. “I said move back. That’s my girlfriend and you’re terrifying her. Move. I’ve got this.” She turned to the woman who was on the phone to the ambulance. “We don’t need an ambulance. She’s fine. I’ll call one if we need it.” She dug in her pocket and fished out her car keys, handing them to a guy she vaguely recognised who was still in uniform. “Go out to my car, back of the car park near the gate, silver Kia. Blue bag in the boot, get it and bring it in to me as fast as you can.”

Yaz dropped to her knees beside the Doctor. She was curled up so tightly, and with the damaged side of her face up Yaz knew she wouldn’t be able to see her. This was the worst panic attack she had had and it had to happen in public.

“Give us some space please” she commanded again and was relieved to see her friend Anne arrive with a pair of curtains they used to shield victims of road accidents or incidents when they were out on the streets to give people privacy.

Yaz got right down on the floor beside the Doctor. She put her hand beside her but didn’t touch her. She hadn’t looked this overwhelmed and panicked since she had first woken up from the amputation.

“Hey Doctor, it’s Yaz. Everyone else is gone, it’s just me and you. I’m right here beside you, whatever you need. Just keep breathing okay?”

Yaz was interrupted by the arrival of the portable oxygen tank she still kept in her car. She thanked the guy who had brought it and shooed him away.

“I can see that your lips and fingers are a little blue and that makes me worried so I’m going to put the oxygen mask on your face, can you help me?” Yaz narrated every step in a soft, low voice as she opened the bag, took out the tank, unwound the tubes and slowly lowered the mask onto the Doctor’s face. She held it gently in place, unable to put the green elastic strap around the other woman’s head while she continued to protect her head the way she was.

“We’re going to breathe together. In for five, hold for five and out for five.” Yaz took deep, exaggerated breaths, counting out the rhythm by gently tapping the mask against the Doctor’s face. It seemed to take an age but slowly the Doctor began to relax and when she had managed to grab hold of Yaz’s wrist that was holding the mask Yaz slipped the elastic around the back of her head so she had both hands free.

“You want to stay where you are or do you want me to hold you?” Yaz asked softly. The Doctor only nodded. “Hold you?” Yaz confirmed. She nodded again and Yaz gathered her up in her arms, pulling her in close so she was half seated, leaning against Yaz’s chest with Yaz’s arms supporting her. Yaz stroked her hair and rocked them both gently. She could feel the Doctor crying in her arms but at least the frightening blue tinge had gone from her lips and fingertips. They sat for another half hour without moving, Yaz talking quietly to the Doctor, repeating the same reassurances over and over again until the woman finally broke the close contact they were having of her own accord and sat up, pulling the mask from her face and using her hands on either side of her to help keep her balance.

“I’m sorry Yaz” she whispered, not quite managing to meet her eye.

She was a sorry looking sight, hunched over on the floor, face a blotchy mess, oxygen mask dangling round her neck and quivering all over from the sheer exhaustion of what she’d just been through.

“What on earth are you sorry for?” asked Yaz, confused.

“All I wanted to do was take you out somewhere nice to celebrate your birthday. I had it all planned out and I was going to be less of a wreck than I was last time I met one of your colleagues. Instead I got scared by some drunk idiots in the car park and end up screaming on the floor with all of your colleagues to watch and embarrass you in front of them on your birthday.”

“Embarrassed? You seriously think I’m embarrassed right now? There are so many things going through my head right now but I can assure you that embarrassment is not one of them.”

The Doctor managed to look up a her, her gaze silently asking for more information.

“I’m angry. Not with you.” She clarified at the look of rejection that instantly crossed the Doctor’s face. “With all the people that are responsible for doing this to you. I’m worried about you. I’m thinking about what I can do to make you feel better. I’m thinking a lot of my colleagues need a serious refresher in how to help someone having a panic attack. I’m thinking how lucky I am that my girlfriend came to pick me up even though she was frightened. And I’m thinking how incredibly strong she is because the fact that she can even function after the trauma she’s been through is nothing short of a miracle.”

“How can you think that Yaz? I’m lying on the floor of your work and allowed myself to get in such a state that I couldn’t even tell your well meaning colleagues what I needed and that they were making it worse. I’m pathetic.”

“Doctor you’re not pathetic. You have a brain injury and post traumatic stress disorder. You have to give your brain the time it needs to heal. You’re a Doctor, you know that love. I’m so proud of how far you’ve come.”

“What if this is as good as it gets Yaz? What if my brain is fuzzy forever? How can I protect other people when I can’t even manage to come and collect you from work?”

“You don’t have to protect anyone Doctor. I will do everything I can to help you get what you want. If you want to be back out there saving planets then fine, that’s what we’ll do, and I’ll be by your side as always. But if you decide that you need a rest, more time to heal and grieve and recover then I’ll still be right here. For as long as it takes.”

“How are you so fine with me this way?”

“Because I love you. Realised it when you got tried for being a witch and didn’t resurface. Just took me a while to admit it to myself. Plus I had to live without you for seven months. I never want to do that again, not for a single day.”

The Doctor tugged the mask off her face and handed it back to Yaz. “Is my chair still here somewhere?”

Yaz got up and fetched her chair from behind the curtains, someone had picked it up but she had to toss a teenage boy with trousers halfway down his backside out of it, marvelling at the rudeness and insensitivity of some people. Yaz took most of the Doctor’s weight and helped her into the chair. Her muscles were still trembling and Yaz noticed her hand was contracting too in the after effects of the attack. She fished a mini packet of face wipes out of her bag and handed one to the Doctor to mop her face with while she put the oxygen tank back in its bag. The spare splint was in there too. She lifted it out and offered it to the Doctor.

“You want this? Your hand looks painful.”

The Doctor looked down at her hand as if she was only just registering it. She rolled her eyes but held out her hand and allowed Yaz to thread her stiff fingers through it, hissing in pain. Yaz took advantage of their proximity and leaned in for a kiss. She found the Doctor’s scarf where it had got knocked under a chair and helped her fix it and pulled back the curtain that had been giving them privacy. She gave the Doctor the dignity of wheeling herself out of the police station but took hold of the handles of her chair when she hesitated at the top of the ramp and took her to the car.

“Let’s go home.” She said softly.

The Doctor looked at her frowning. “You don’t want to go on our date anymore?”

Yaz crouched down so she was eye-level with the Doctor. “Of course I want to go on a date with you. But I thought you might want to go home for a break. You’re exhausted love.”

The Doctor knew she was right. She hadn’t managed to get off the floor and into her own chair and hadn’t trusted herself to get down the ramp in one piece and her muscles were still quivering treacherously. But Yaz couldn’t go home yet. And she really wanted to go on their date.

“Yaz I’m fine. Let’s go, please.”

“Are you sure? I don’t mind waiting until tomorrow.”

“Yaz, I really want to do this. Please?”

Yaz smiled and kissed her again. “Let’s go.” She followed the Doctor’s directions to a park on the other side of town. When they arrived the Doctor slung the bag on the back of her chair and took hold of Yaz’s hand with the one hand that was splinted, using her stronger one to propel her forwards and steer. She led them down a pebbled path past the fountains and stopped under a thicket of trees.

“Do you remember coming here before?” she asked Yaz.

“Of course, I lived just down the street from here when I was a kid. My dad used to bring Sonya and I here every weekend .”

“I meant with me.”

“Yeah I do, I brought you here just after you regained consciousness. It was only the second time we left the house together. I’m surprised you remember, you told me everything was a blur.”

“It is. I don’t remember what we did that well but I remember my feelings. I remember we sat under a tree and I was still on oxygen all the time and people were staring at me. I was in so much pain I couldn’t think straight or stop crying. And you started producing all this stuff from your bag like Mary Poppins and you lifted me out of Graham’s wheelchair, which by the way is one of the most uncomfortable places I’ve ever sat, and you sat me down and you just held me for ages. And I remember feeling so safe. It was the first time I could even remember feeling happy. I was all wrapped up but you covered us both in a blanket and my head was in your lap so no one could see the state I was in and I fell in love with you all over again, even if I couldn’t say it. But I just wanted to bring some of those feelings back and have more positive memories of this park because it’s so pretty and last time I couldn’t really enjoy it.”

Yaz looked at her, tears shining in her eyes but not falling. She wordlessly accepted one of the blankets the Doctor had produced from her bag and spread it out on the ground. The Doctor got out of her chair and settled herself comfortably on the ground, her back supported against the tree and started pulling out sandwiches, fruit, flasks of tea and a large packet of custard creams.

“I know it’s a little later than planned, but do you fancy a picnic lunch outside in October?”

Yaz laughed, flopping down on the blanket next to her and accepting the barely edible egg salad sandwich she was offered and trying not to make a face. When they had both eaten, Yaz lay down, resting her head against the Doctor’s thigh and covering them both with the second blanket while the Doctor absent-mindedly played with her hair.

“You’ll have to show me how to plait your hair sometime” she commented absently.

“How have you got to four thousand odd years old without ever learning to plait?” Yaz asked incredulously.

“Because for more than four thousand of them I was a man. Only been a woman for about five years and three of those I was in prison and one of them I’ve been a bit too bald.”

“Fair point. I can show you, it’s not hard but I can only do a three-strand plait. It’s Sonya you should talk to, she can do all sorts of fancy stuff.”

“Somehow I don’t think your sister and I are going to bond over plaiting hair. She seems determined to hate me.”

“She doesn’t hate you Doctor. I think she doesn’t know what to say to you. And she’s always been rude. Just ignore her, I usually do.”

Yaz gave a shiver. It was starting to get dark and despite the flask of tea and blankets she was getting chilly.

“Why don’t we head back home? Can’t have a cold Yaz.” Yaz agreed willingly and hauled the Doctor to her feet so she could get back into her wheelchair. The Doctor sent off a quick text while Yaz gathered up the blankets.

“Hey, do you mind if we walk the long way back round? I don’t quite want to go home just yet. It’s been a lovely date. I’ve really missed doing this.”

“Course we can. Not me getting cold but you’ll warm up if you’re walking.”

Yaz pulled a pair of gloves from her pocket and slipped them on and took hold of the Doctor’s hand again. It only worked on smooth surfaces when the Doctor could brace her hand in Yaz’s hold so that she propelled her on one side and the Doctor used her good hand on the other. It was pleasant walking through the floodlit park hand in hand, blowing steam dragons into the cool night air.

An hour later Yaz pulled up outside the house. She had warmed up thanks to the heater in the car and was itching to get inside and make a proper cup of tea and maybe order in a Chinese.

She grabbed the Doctor’s chair for her and helped her into it. She seemed to have lost all sense and was slow and lethargic all of a sudden, only answering vaguely when Yaz questioned her. She was concerned the Doctor had got cold out and had warmed up too fast, or was it a consequence of the panic attack that was more akin to total system shut down earlier? Either way Yaz wanted her into the house now so she could take a proper look at her, maybe ring Graham and Ryan for help. Yaz tried to take the handles of the Doctor’s wheelchair to get her inside fast but the Doctor batted away her hands, insisting on doing it herself and inching her way slowly towards the door while Yaz hovered nervously next to her.

Yaz unlocked the front door and hurried inside to open the living room door and turn on the lights when…

SURPRISE!!!!!

Yaz stumbled a few steps back, landing squarely in the Doctor’s lap who had appeared from nowhere behind her but caught her easily, laughing at the shocked expression on Yaz’s face.

“You’re okay?”

“Course I am” she grinned, sneaking a kiss. “But you know how slow Graham is, had to give him extra time to hide.”

“Oi” came an annoyed shout from across the room.

Yaz looked around, no longer in total shock and saw the room was filled with her family and friends: Her mum and dad; Umbreen; Rick, Anne and a few others from work; Graham and Ryan who slightly disturbingly appeared to be holding hands with Sonya. The room was decorated with balloons and streamers and the table covered in food and an enormous chocolate birthday cake.

“Who did this?” asked Yaz, crying slightly.

Graham piped up “It was all the Doc. She planned everything, invited everyone, shopped, roped your mum and nani to do the cooking and my and Ryan to do the decorations but other than that she’s been planning this for days.”

Yaz turned to face the Doctor who had abandoned her wheelchair in favour of her crutches in the crowded sitting room. “How on earth did you manage that without me noticing? You’re shiftier than a puppy who’s chewed something he shouldn’t have when you’ve got a secret!”

“Hey! I’m not that bad!” she protested thoroughly offended.

Ryan snorted from the armchair where he was currently sat close to Sonya “Yeah, you are!”

“Not a bit of wonder you wouldn’t let me bring you home earlier!”

“After I’ve been working on this for two weeks? Course not. Couldn’t ruin the surprise.”

The Doctor linked one arm with Yaz and used it to steer her towards the sofa. “Time for presents!”

“You shouldn’t have, this is more than enough.”

Sonya appeared with an envelope. “This is actually from everyone here.” She explained, handing it over.

Yaz slid it open, her hands shaking slightly as she read the paper inside. Her jaw dropped and her eyes opened wider. “I don’t know what to say” she whispered. “Thank-you. Five days away in Dubrovnik. It’s too much.”

“Time off already cleared by the way” called Rick from the table where he was charming Umbreen.

“When do we leave?”

“At the weekend, didn’t want to wait any longer.”

For Yaz, the party was one of the best evenings she could remember since her life aboard the TARDIS. She lay curled up in bed, her head in the Doctor’s lap who was reading something and once again playing with Yaz’s hair while Yaz was running her hand up and down the Doctor’s leg. They were both full of cake and the love that had surrounded them that evening. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: holiday!


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yaz and the Doctor leave for their holiday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This definitely went darker and more angsty than I intended it too. Probably a side affect of being locked in a house on my own for an indefinite period of time. Next chapter might be fluffier. Maybe. Some heavy things will happen on this holiday and some issues will come up but overall I want them to have a good time. 
> 
> Would really appreciate some reviews, literally haven't seen another living soul in ten days.

“Will you definitely be home in time?” asked the Doctor as Yaz pulled on her body armour and strapped it into place.

Yaz reached out and took her hand. “Doctor, I’ve been called into a meeting. I don’t know what it’s about but they have assured me it won’t take any longer than an hour. Then I will come straight home and at 11 Graham is giving us a lift to the airport. We will be in the airport by 1230 which is more than enough time to catch our flight at four. We won’t miss it.”

“You promise?”

Yaz leaned over and kissed her. “Promise.”

Yaz let herself into the station, stopping by her locker for a few minutes to kill time before her eight o’clock meeting. She twisted her hands nervously, annoyed with herself for feeling so worried. Mark, her boss, knew she had a holiday booked and it would be just like him to tell her she was being sacked just before it or something equally horrible like she was being permanently assigned to parking disputes.

Her stressed thoughts were interrupted by Rick running in, a few minutes late as always.

“Hey Yaz” he called in greeting from across the room. “Didn’t know you were in today? Isn’t your flight later on?”

“Got called in for a meeting, probably going to get sacked or something.” Yaz replied ruefully.

“I don’t think so Yaz. Look, do me a favour, answer any questions they ask you in there yeah? I’ve heard rumours and what they ask might seem personal and irrelevant but just go with it?”

“What have you heard Rick?”

“You need to go, trust me, just go with it.”

Yaz glanced at her watch and realised he was right. She scooted out the door and up to the sixth floor where all the offices were. She took a deep breath and knocked confidently on the door, wiping her sweaty palms on her trousers as a commanding “come in” came from the other side.

Yaz let herself in, shaking hands with Mark and a woman she didn’t know who introduced herself as Jennifer.

“Yasmin I know you have somewhere to be so we’ll get straight down to it. We wanted to talk to you about the incident last week in the foyer.”

Yaz looked at him waiting for a question.

“Can you tell us what happened?”

“My girlfriend came to collect me from work. She got spooked by the two drunks in the car park and had a panic attack.”

“That’s not the whole story though is it Yasmin? Tell us about her.”

Yaz took a deep breath, she didn’t like talking about what she and the Doctor had been through but thinking about Rick’s advice she decided to tell them the abridged version they had told her parents. “We had been dating for a year and one day she didn’t come home. I thought she had left me but there was no sign of her anywhere. Not that I didn’t look but no one would believe me. After seven months she turned up. She had been held and raped and tortured every day for months and when she got sick they turfed her out and left her to die. I got the call when she was in hospital, they had had to amputate her leg because it had been broken when she was thrown from a moving truck and got infected. They poured acid over her face so no one would be able to identify the body. I took her home from the hospital as soon as I could, she couldn’t stand to be near people, that’s when I took my eight month sabbatical, and I cared for her. Now she’s doing better I’m back at work and we’re doing everything we can to get back to normal.”

“Why didn’t you tell us any of this Yasmin? We could have supported you.”

“It isn’t my story to tell, it’s hers. Most of that time we were focusing on just getting through the hour let alone the day. At times it felt like I was just lurching from crisis to crisis. Besides she couldn’t really tolerate anyone else being near her. She’s only just starting to get better with that now.”

Jennifer interrupted, perhaps sensing that Yaz was getting irritated. “Yasmin I work with the victims unit. We’re brand new, one of the first in the country and we will be focusing on supporting victims of serious crimes to rebuild their lives. This usually means victims of rape, torture, serious physical assault and sometimes witnesses. At other times we will be conducting interviews or supporting lead detectives on interviews. It’s a highly specialised unit and we would like to offer you a place with us. We think you would be a valuable asset to our team.”

Yaz blinked, surprised. “Oh, I don’t know what to say…”

“I don’t need an answer right now Yasmin, I would rather you took the time to think about it and decide if it’s right for you. It’s a big decision and it can be hard.”

“Thank-you, I’ll definitely think about it.”

It was Mark who had the next surprise. “Yasmin, we’ve watched the CCTV footage of what happened to your girlfriend. There were a lot of officers there and none of them managed to cope with her at all well. I would like you to put together a seminar about supporting victims. You don’t have to talk about anything personal but I think it could be beneficial for our officers to hear from someone who has experienced it.”

Yaz thought for a moment. It had made her angry that when she had found the Doctor she had been crowded by well meaning officers who had been breaching her personal space, touching her, talking to her all at once and not given a modicum of privacy.

“That I can definitely do.” She said confidently.

Mark stood up, offering his hand again. “In that case Yasmin, enjoy your holiday and we shall expect your answer when you get back.” He offered his hand for Yaz to shake as did Jennifer and she was dismissed, her mind full of what had just been asked of her.

Yaz let herself in, not entirely unsurprised to find the Doctor flapping around the living room with their luggage in a heightened state of anxiety. She might be used to travelling but it had been a long time, she had never had to pack before and the last time she had been on an aeroplane there had been a bomb in the cockpit and then the plane had fallen from the sky.

Yaz left her to her flapping for a moment and went upstairs to change quickly. When she came back downstairs she sat on the sofa and caught the Doctor’s hand as she circled the room, gently tugging her down to join her on the sofa and pulled her in close for a reassuring hug.

“Hey, relax, we’ve double checked the list three times together. We have everything you need and everything you might possibly need and you’ve made your new sonic and got the new psychic paper to get through passport control. I have the tickets in my bag. I have everything I need and everything I could possibly need. Everything is organised. All we have to do is wait for Graham.”

“Sorry Yaz, never really travelled the human way before. And I’m not that great with waiting or being patient.”

Yaz snorted with laughter. “Not good with waiting? You are the biggest baby when ever you have to wait for anything.”

Offended, the Doctor crossed her arms across her chest and pouted which only caused Yaz to laugh even harder. Luckily the Doctor was saved by the arrival of Graham who had happily volunteered to drive them to the airport with all their luggage. Yaz had managed to pack everything she needed in one small suitcase but the Doctor had a lot more medical equipment than either of them had realised. Although she would be wearing her leg she also needed her wheelchair and crutches, tools for adjusting her leg, socks, liners, shrinkers, splint for her wrist, exercise bands they used for physio, the different topical treatments for her stump and burns and the oxygen tank in case of any more major panic attacks. It was a lot and took a whole large suitcase on its own. 

Yaz and the Doctor carried the luggage out to the car, putting the wheelchair in the boot and the suitcases in the back seat. Yaz sat in the front beside Graham and left the Doctor to the back, she was still jittery and bouncing in her seat and Yaz knew it would drive Graham demented in his peripheral vision.

“You alright back there Doc?” called Graham, concerned that Yaz had let her have a triple espresso and a bag of sugar for breakfast.

“Fine thanks Graham. Never really been on holiday before. Something always goes haywire. Or been to Croatia. And you were there last time I was on a plane and that didn’t go too well.”

When they arrived at the airport, Yaz reached over and gave Graham a hug, quietly thanking him for what had probably been one of the more stressful drives of his life with the doctor bouncing around in the back seat like she was on speed. “You gonna be alright with her cockle?” asked Graham concerned as the Doctor anxiously flapped her hands outside the car waiting for Yaz.

Yaz looked over at the Doctor, her smile full of warmth and understanding. “Don’t worry. She’ll be fine once we get through the airport.”

Graham raised his eyebrow doubtfully but gave Yaz a friendly farewell kiss on the cheek and leaned over to give the Doctor a brief hug, struggling not to roll his eyes as she practically vibrated in his arms with nervous energy and relieved Yaz was going to be the one to deal with her rather than him.

Yaz figured the easiest way for them to get to the check in desk was for the Doctor to travel in her wheelchair and her to take a trolley with all of their luggage and she quickly acquired one and loaded it up. With a final wave goodbye to Graham they were off, Yaz in the lead and the Doctor wheeling just behind her, the lap belt finally restraining the irritating bounciness slightly.

Yaz hadn’t flown since she was a child and was slightly nervous, especially about travelling with a disabled passenger. Her research online showed that for people with disabilities, travel rarely went smoothly. Yaz was confident they would be able to manage and if worst came to worst she could still lift the Doctor if absolutely necessary seeing as she had never really put any decent amount of weight back on.

Thankfully the bright orange easyJet desk was easy to find and Yaz headed straight over. The attendant quickly found their booking and took their bags and the Doctors wheelchair and pointing them towards the security.

As they followed the thronging masses of people all going in the same direction Yaz took the Doctor’s hand, she still had high levels of anxiety and stress when she was in crowds and apart from anything else anyone rushing past who potentially bumped into her held the distinct possibility of knocking her off balance.

Despite the fact that it was the off season the airport was still busy and Yaz kept a firm hold of the Doctor as they inched through the long queue. She reminded her again what they would have to take out of their bags as they got to the front of the line and the procedure for going through the scanners. However as the queue stretched never ending in front of them Yaz could see the Doctor struggling more and more. Yaz had already relieved her of the weight of her backpack but was now supporting her with an arm around her waist and another at her elbow. But there was a thin sheen of sweat on her brow and she was trembling slightly. The Doctor rarely stood still at the best of times but had mentioned to Yaz more than once that it was easier to keep moving on her prosthetic than stand still. And they had been standing virtually unmoving in the queue for half an hour.

Although Yaz was mostly used to the Doctor the way she was now, it still made her sad to see her struggle with simple tasks, especially when her damaged brain couldn’t do what it used to or she didn’t have the physical dexterity or strength to do what she wanted to. But, she reasoned, even before her injuries the Doctor would have struggled to stand in a queue for any length of time.

Just as Yaz was getting worried that they were going to have to leave the queue they were stopped by a security guard who noticed their difficulty. When Yaz explained the problem, the Doctor was just concentrating on standing and not crying out, he whisked them through to a shorter, separate queue where they were met by a wheelchair the Doctor could use. It was big and clunky and she wouldn’t be able to propel it herself but the Doctor sank into it gratefully with Yaz’s help and a small squeak of discomfort. The security guard handed Yaz a leaflet on airport assistance, pointing out that there had been no need for them to queue at all. He waved Yaz through first and then brought the Doctor through a separate gate.

An older woman took over, wheeling the borrowed wheelchair to one side, already asking the Doctor questions. She took swabs of her prosthetic which she put in a machine and passed a small wand all over her body, politely asking if she was in any pain before helping her sit forward so she could pass the wand over her back as well and then beginning a thorough pat down process. She apologised as she patted down over the burnt skin of her arm and the Doctor winced. It wasn’t that it hurt, not anymore at least, she just didn’t really like anyone touching it, not even Yaz who always attended to it with clinical efficiency when she treated it twice daily with cream.

They had to wait for a few minutes until the swabs of the Doctor’s prosthetic came back negative for bomb residue but mercifully after that they were on their way again. Now that she wasn’t in pain the Doctor’s anxiety had come back in full force and she was fidgeting away in the borrowed chair. Yaz stored both of their recently x-rayed bags in the basket under the chair and pushed her into the departure lounge, stopping to grab herself a coffee and the Doctor a tea and then heading for a quieter corner where the Doctor would be les likely too irritate the other passengers with her constant fidgeting and rambling about holidays, aeroplanes, holidays she had attempted to go on that had inevitably gone awry, and anything else that popped into her head while she fiddled constantly with her fingers. Yaz let her ramble, knowing it was her way of getting her anxiety out but she did grab the Doctor’s hands to stop her picking at her skin and try to interject words of reason when she went too far. There were not going to be Daleks in Croatia. Or Sea Devils in the water. Or Cybermen on the walls of Old Town.

After an hour or so of waiting their flight was called. Yaz was grateful, truth be told she was getting a slight headache now, having had the Doctor talk her ear off for most of the day. It was a long walk to the gate and Yaz was grateful for the borrowed wheelchair. The Doctor would have managed it if she had had to but it was better that she didn’t. She was even more grateful when they were moved to the front of the boarding queue and were settled into their seats, bags in the overhead lockers before most people even started boarding.

To Yaz’s relief there was enough going on around them while the other passengers boarded to occupy the Doctor’s thoughts until take-off. If she didn’t manage to calm down then this was going to be a very long trip. But she did. Yaz had helped the Doctor research about flying with a prosthetic and even if they had missed the heads up about priority security they had learned that her stump would swell on the flight so she should remove her leg. It was also safely stored above their heads and she was elevating it by resting it on top of Yaz’s thigh while Yaz settled her head against the Doctor’s shoulder, putting her tablet between them which she had downloaded a couple of films on to to keep them distracted on the three hour flight.

It was only when they landed that they realised the blunder they had made. The Doctor’s residual leg was badly swollen and there was no way her prosthetic was going back on for the moment, but her crutches were packed in a suitcase and her wheelchair wasn’t yet waiting for them on the tarmac although the cabin crew were anxiously shooing them off, assuring them that the wheelchair would be out by the time they got down there.

The first part was easy, Yaz helped the Doctor tuck the empty leg of her trousers neatly into her waistband so it was out of the way and she was able to use the seat backs for support to get to the front of the plane. Getting down the steps was also easy as they were narrow enough to hold onto both railings but the wheelchair wasn’t waiting as promised. There were several buggies and a few small cases waiting that had been confiscated at the gate but no wheelchair. Yaz was dithering slightly, trying to work out what to do: leave the Doctor where she was, poorly balanced on one leg while she went in search of it, sit her on the damp tarmac while she went in search or reinstate the half carry they had done when she had first been hurt and they both go on a search. She was saved from her inner panic when the Doctor’s chair finally appeared, thrown down to the tarmac with barely a thought for its importance. If it got damaged now the Doctor would have to hop all the way to baggage claim until she could get her crutches back.

The Doctor immediately made her way over to it, inspecting it for damage and mumbling about carelessness while Yaz settled for giving the less than careful handler her best glare and stowing the Doctor’s leg in the bag on the back of her chair as best she could, the end of it sticking up comically.

The rest of their journey went much more smoothly and they arrived at their beach front hotel just on the outskirts of oldtown by shuttle a few hours later.

Yaz was touched by the generosity of their family and friends as they walked into their home for the week. The room was large and spacious with a private deck and huge double bed. The bathroom was more than fully accessible. Looking at the height adjustable changing bed and hoist Yaz thought about how useful that would have been a year ago when she was still having to manhandle the Doctor’s wet and slippery unconscious or unhelpful body in and out of a small but deep bath.

She shook the unpleasant memory away and made her way out to the deck where the Doctor was waiting, two cocktails and a room service menu having magically appeared on the table despite the lateness of the hour.

“Don’t worry, they’re alcohol free” the Doctor reassured her, already downing her one.

Yaz was touched that she’d remembered, she had only mentioned once when they were first travelling together that she didn’t drink.

“Just because I don’t drink doesn’t mean you can’t have one, we are on holiday after all and it’s not like it offends me.

“I can’t really get drunk off alcohol so it would be a bit of a waste. I would probably need to down about 3 litres of vodka to feel anything and even then the buzz would probably last less than an hour.” The Doctor explained.

“Thank-God, you’re enough to manage stone cold sober. Can’t imagine how difficult you would be drunk.” She teased.

“Hey!” The Doctor hit her with the menu. “There’s a local sea food platter to share, want to order that? We can start exploring tomorrow.”

Forty minutes later Yaz and the Doctor were sitting on their decking, the remains of the food and drinks between them watching the sun set. Yaz had her head on the Doctor’s shoulder and the Doctor had her arm wrapped around Yaz’s waist, holding her close.

“Hey Yaz, what happened in your meeting this morning, you never said.”

“I was offered a promotion.”

“That’s amazing! Congratulations! What is it?”

“They’re setting up a new unit to support victims of serious crimes like rape, torture and serious assault with specially trained officers. They saw us together the other day and think I would be a good fit. They also want me to run some training sessions on dealing with someone who is in a situation like you were because as well intentioned as they were, I think it’s safe to say my colleagues were definitely making it worse.”

“Are you going to do it?”

“The training? Definitely. The job? I haven’t decided yet.”

“Why not? You would be amazing at that. And you’ve been itching to do something new. This sounds like an amazing opportunity.”

Yaz looked away, not sure how to answer without upsetting her girlfriend. “Before I answer that I want to tell you that I love you and I don’t for one second begrudge you any of the time we have spent together in the last year or now. Nor do I even think about it when I do something for you because I love you, just as I know you support me in the same way. But it was traumatic for me, getting you through to where we are now. More so than I admitted to myself at the time and I’m so proud of how far we’ve both come but I’m not sure I can do that every day for someone else and then come home and do the same for you… That didn’t come out right. You are my priority and I love you so much but that makes being with you easy. I don’t know if I can do that for a stranger and remain a professional distance.”

“For what its worth Yaz, I think you would be great at it. But I can also understand why you wouldn’t want to. I just don’t want you dating me to be the thing holding you back. Plus, you probably wouldn’t have to amputate their leg without consent in your bedroom.”

“You’re not holding me back. They wouldn’t even have offered me this if they hadn’t seen us together. And please, don’t say that. You just make me feel guilty all over again.”

The Doctor nodded in apparent agreement but she couldn’t quell the guilt that was rising inside her. The last thing she wanted was to be holding Yaz back. She had already put her entire life on hold for her for a year. That was a long time for a human, they only got about 80-85 years, maybe a few more if they were lucky. Lot’s didn’t get anywhere near that. She changed the subject. “What about the training? What do they want you to do for that?”

“They seemed pretty open about what I do to be honest. They’ve watched the CCTV and so have I, when you were in the carpark you were having a panic attack but when they brought you inside they basically provoked you into a total shut down. They had their hands all over you, they were all talking at once, they didn’t consider having a female officer come and talk to you, they took you out of your wheelchair without consent. I need to go back and stop them putting someone else through that but I also don’t want to make it personal.”

“Why not? Making it personal is what changes you from a boring know-it-all lecturer to someone to be listened to.”

“Because it’s not my story to tell. I would never just go and talk about what we’ve been through to a room full of strangers without you. Wouldn’t do it to a room full of people I know either. For the record, even when you were really sick I didn’t give Ryan and Graham any details they didn’t need to know. They don’t know anything you haven’t told them.”

“And I love you for that… What if I went with you? Then you wouldn’t be telling my story, just your side of it and I could tell mine.”

“I can’t ask you to do that Doctor.”

“But you’re not asking, I’m offering. If it protects one person then it’s worth it.”

Yaz leaned over and kissed her hard on the lips. “I love you for that too, but let’s talk about it when we get home. This is supposed to be a holiday, and this is a un-holiday conversation.”

The Doctor laughed in agreement. “Okay then Yaz, tell me about what bikini you’ve packed…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know a unit like they're proposing for Yaz probably already exists but it's my story and I can do what I want!


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor and Yaz begin their holiday together.

Yaz woke slowly the next morning, blinking against the bright sunlight. She was on her own though the Doctor had definitely been there when she fell asleep. She groaned slightly, rolling over and tapping her phone to check the time.

10:17am

Yaz sat up abruptly. It wasn’t like her to sleep so late. Still tangled in the soft, white duvet she smiled when she saw the Doctor. She was still in her pyjamas, sitting on one of the deck chairs, legs stretched out in front of her, glasses on, book in one hand and a cup of tea in the other. On the table next to her was another cup, a tea pot and a plate of fruit.

Smiling, Yaz got out of bed, padding lightly across the floor and leaning over the Doctor’s deck chair from behind for a cuddle.

The Doctor reached up, wrapping her arms around her in greeting and pulling her down to join her on the deck chair.

“Morning love” she greeted softly.

“Morning, you should have woken me. We’re on holiday, not an extended nap.”

“But you look so cute when you sleep. And you must have needed it.”

“It was a long day yesterday” Yaz admitted “But I want to make the most of every second.”

She kissed the Doctor again before pouring her own tea and helping herself to fruit. The Doctor moved her legs apart and Yaz sat between them, leaning against her chest.

“So what do you want to do today?”

“Well I’ve never been here before either. Maybe we could go for a walk, see what there is, find some lunch and see where the day takes us. We have theatre tickets for tonight to see Hamilton in an open air theatre don’t forget.”

The Doctor sat up, excited. “I love Hamilton!”

Yaz laughed. “Come on then.” She got to her feet and hauled the Doctor to hers, allowing her to head into the shower first, watching her make her way to the bathroom using the furniture for support. She didn’t take long and as soon as she was out Yaz massaged the thick moisturising cream into the burned parts of her skin on her back that she couldn’t reach on her own like she did every morning. A part of their routine that was now ingrained and would probably remain so.

Yaz then nipped to the bathroom leaving the Doctor to get ready for the day on her own and emerged twenty minutes later dressed in a burnt orange skirt, white t-shirt and brown sandals, mindful of how hot the day was expected to be. She was therefore surprised to see the Doctor dressed in her usual long-sleeved undershirt, long sleeved top, jacket, trousers, non-matching, thick socks, short boots and scarf wrapped around her head.

“You going to be okay wearing all that Doctor? It’s going to be hot out.”

“Fine. I’m not as sensitive to temperature as humans are.”

“You don’t even want to leave the jacket behind? Or you could wear my other hat instead of your scarf?”

“It’s fine Yaz, besides I love my scarf!”

Yaz rummaged in her suitcase until she found the suncream, rubbing it in all over and handing to the Doctor to do the same, not that she had much exposed skin. When they were done, Yaz dropped it into her beach bag along with her purse, her book and a few other bits and pieces. The Doctor was carrying her customary bum bag though she apparently hadn’t managed to engineer its dimensions quite yet so it didn’t manage to quite hold as much as Yaz’s though the contents of her pockets definitely made up for it.

Yaz had been paying attention the evening before and knew how to get to the old part of the town where most of the tourists tended to congregate. The sun on her shoulders left her feeling relaxed and happy as she and the Doctor walked down the street hand in hand because they wanted to, not because the Doctor needed it.

The sun was just starting to give out some real heat as they ambled slowly down the street, enjoying the different scenery and the salty tang of the ocean. As they crossed the drawbridge into the gates of the oldest part of the city Yaz stopped briefly to help herself to different tourist information leaflets about the various activities their new locale offered, tucking them into her bag to look at with the Doctor later.

“This is really weird you know.” Yaz commented conversationally.

“What? Travelling together? We’ve always done that, its just been a long time. Too long.”

“No, it’s weird you not knowing everything about where we are. Or pretending to.” she added teasingly.

“Hey TARDIS scanners, I always knew something!”

“Might I remind you about Norway? You ate dirt and then thought we were going to be attacked by a sheep in the span of about twenty seconds!”

“You can learn a lot about where you are from dirt. You probably shouldn’t try it though, might not mix so well with your human physiology.”

“That and it’s gross. Your habit of licking stuff is going to get you in trouble one day.”

They strolled through the wide, car-free streets for an hour before Yaz announced she was hungry and pointed out a small bakery selling a range of fresh breads and pastries, their scent wafting out tantalisingly into the street. They went in together, selecting soft baps filled with chicken and vegetables that had been cooked in a spicy sauce, bottles of water and indulging in a slice of cake each for afters. Clutching the paper bag containing their goodies, the Doctor led their way back towards the harbour. The streets were busy and there were no seats available to sit on so they sat on the edge of the harbour wall, feet dangling above the water.

They sat quietly, munching on their baps and admiring the view. Yaz was enjoying the cooling effect of the spray hitting her bare feet and legs. Yaz also couldn’t help but watch the Doctor. She was taking tiny bites of her food but wasn’t losing any of it and under the warm sunshine, back to the world, she looked more relaxed than Yaz had seen her for ages.

“Yaz just because I can’t see you doesn’t mean I don’t know you’re staring at me.” The Doctor interrupts the peace suddenly.

Yaz jumps slightly, instantly guilty, like she shouldn’t be able to stare at her amazing, beautiful girlfriend if she wants to before her brain catches up with what the Doctor has just said. “What do you mean you can’t see?” she asks, trying to keep the panic out of her voice.

“Yaz relax. No left eye anymore remember? Means no peripheral vision out that side. Not fair that you get to stare at me when I can’t stare back.”

Yaz giggled and got up from where she had been perched comfortably, trailing her fingers along the Doctor’s shoulders as she plopped down on the other side.

“You should have said.” She reminded softly, settling her head against the Doctor’s shoulder while the other woman wrapped an arm around her shoulders. They always did fit well together.

“You are definitely worth staring at Yazmin Khan.”

“You’re pretty good yourself”

The Doctor snorted slightly in disbelief. “You’ve got me on my good side.” Her tone was light but Yaz knew there was an element of truth to what she was saying. Wearing trousers as she was Yaz couldn’t see any of her scars or injuries.

Yaz reached up and caught the Doctor lightly under her chin, forcing her to look at her. “Hey. Beautiful from all sides.” She replied sincerely.

As they sat, content with their people watching and watching each other, they noticed multiple tour groups walking past, many people wearing Game of Throne’s t-shirts.

“Is Game of Thrones set here or something?” Yaz wondered out loud, having never read the books or seen the TV show though she knew it was popular from the way some people at work talked about it.

“Nope but loads of it was filmed here.” Explained the Doctor.

“How do you know that?”

“Ryan made me watch it when I was stuck in bed. He loves that show. I will admit, it got a bit addictive.”

“Do you want to go on one of the tours? Then you can add Dubrovnik to your list of places you know loads of random, useless information about. We’ve passed a couple of places offering them.

The Doctor balked slightly, looking at the steep set of steps one of the groups was climbing.

“We can do as much of it as you want, no need to do the whole thing. Might give us a nice overview of the area.”

The Doctor smiled at her. “Go on then.”

They got to their feet, meandering over to one of the booths advertising the tours. Luckily there was a tour leaving just a few minutes later and they were joined by a family with two primary school aged children who should have been in school and two other couples. 

The little boy, who appeared to be about four took one look at the Doctor and buried his face in his mothers shoulder, wailing loudly. Yaz hoped the Doctor didn’t realise why. The girl who was slightly older, around six, was bolder than her brother and marched straight up to the Doctor.

“What’s wrong with your face?” she demanded.

“Sarah!” Her father was scandalised and mortified, yanking his daughter away, stuttering apologies in the Doctor’s general direction but not actually talking to her. The Doctor shared a look with Yaz who understood what she wanted and gave her an arm to help her crouch down to the little girl’s height.

“I got hurt by someone really unkind. But she” she indicated Yaz who's hand she was still holding “looked after and made me feel better.”

“Did she kiss it better? Mummy kisses my knee when I fall outside.”

“Yes she did. Kisses make me feel better too.”

Sarah’s brother seemed to have lost his shyness, encouraged by his older sisters confidence. The Doctor’s trousers had ridden up in her crouched position, showing off part of the slim, metal pylon that substituted her leg and he couldn’t seem to help himself from reaching out to touch it.

“Are you a robot?” he asked, his voice full of awe.

The Doctor laughed. “No but that would be really cool though. My leg got hurt and the doctor’s couldn’t make it better so they made me a new one instead.”

The little boys eyes were wide. “Wow!” he whispered.

“Can you run super fast with it?”

“Tell you what, why don’t we find out? Why don’t we both run to the lamppost and back and see who can go fastest? If your mum and dad say it’s okay of course.”

The boy looked at his parents for permission while the Doctor took Yaz’s offered hand and used it to pull herself back to her feet.

“On your marks, get set, go!” the little boy shouted, his fat little legs pumping him to the lamppost about ten metres away before the Doctor realised what was happening. She took off after him. She easily caught up to him but finished the ‘race’ just a few paces in front of him.

“That was really fast “he babbled excitedly. “I’m the second fastest in my whole class and you beated me with your robot leg!”

The Doctor high fived him and turned to address the children’s parents. “Never let them stop asking questions. They’re not being rude, they’re just kids. They see something different so they ask. Its what we were born to do. Pulling them away only teaches them to be afraid of different.”

The parents were saved from answering by the arrival of their tour guide, an energetic young woman with a thick plait all the way down to her waist who introduced herself as Marija.

Marija took them through the gates and out of the town first. She had a quick pace but was mindful of the young kids in the group and slowed down whenever they were climbing hills or steps. They went round by the water first and up to a castle which Marija gave them time to explore on their own. The man from one of the other couples took a couple of pictures of Yaz and the Doctor together with the stunning scenery behind them. Their next step was the city walls which had incredible panoramic views and less than impressive uneven, cobbled walkways and crumbling stairs. As it was the last part of the tour anyway Yaz and the Doctor let the rest of the group go on without them and carried on at their own pace, the Doctor now leaning lightly on Yaz’s arm for extra balance. They stopped for a rest at one of the panoramic view spots and bought some smoothies from a little shop.

“This is definitely one of the weirdest places I’ve seen a shop and that includes that market place underneath the forest you took us too. The one where all the stalls were made out of the tree roots from above.” Commented Yaz, nibbling on a piece of pineapple that had come wedged on her glass.

“I don’t know if it’s weirder but it definitely has better views.”

“That’s true. Smells way better too.” Yaz wrinkled her nose as she remembered the pungent smell of rotting meat that had accompanied the local market traders.

“Hey! Don’t be rude. You probably didn’t smell that great to them either.”

Yaz stood up, stretching her hands above her hand and handing their empty glasses back in through the hatch of the shop.

“Do you mind if we go back to the hotel for a bit? I want to shower and change before we go out this evening. The restaurant looks nice and I would hate to lower the tone.”

“No that’s fine, my leg is all sweaty, need to take it off for a bit.”

“Come on then” Yaz invited, offering the Doctor an arm which she took.

Back in the hotel Yaz made straight for the shower. She loved the theatre though hadn’t been for a long time. Plus it was undeniably another chance to go on a date with the Doctor and she wasn’t going to miss her chance to dress up and have some fun. They both deserved it after everything they had been through together.

When Yaz stepped out of the bathroom she was wearing a simple red sun dress. She had let her hair flow with natural curls over her shoulders and was wearing make up for the first time since the disastrous day of Ryan’s birthday party. The Doctor was sprawled out across the bed where she had propped her leg up on several pillows. She sat up abruptly, propping herself up on her arms, staring appreciatively at Yaz.

“Wow! Yaz! You look amazing!”

Yaz smiled shyly. “Thanks.” In the past the Doctor had always been free with the compliments but they were rarely about her appearance, she just didn’t seem to notice such things. Not that it was surprising when she spent so much time around aliens of all species and appearances.

She lay down on the bed beside the Doctor who put an arm out for her to lean on like a pillow. Yaz reached over, idly running her hand over the other woman’s stomach and softly moved her hands to go under her shirts. The Doctor’s breath hitched but she didn’t make any move to stop her. Yaz kept her hands strictly above the waistband of the Doctor’s trousers but below the thick band of elastic of her sports bra. They hadn’t been more intimate than cuddles and a chaste kiss since Before, and Yaz missed it. The Doctor caught her hand and laced their fingers together, forcing Yaz onto her back and rolling over slightly so she was leaning over Yaz as she pressed their lips together hungrily. Yaz pulled her in close, closing her eyes in pleasure as she eagerly returned the kisses. The Doctor moved her hands into Yaz’s hair but when Yaz slipped her fingers under the Doctor’s shirts again, running them lightly up her spine, she broke away quickly, shoving Yaz’s hands off her, panting slightly.

The Doctor sat up, moving as far away from Yaz as she could without getting off the huge bed. She wrapped her arms around her legs, making sure her shirts were pulled back down covering her entirely and Yaz could see her pulling at her fingers where her hands were clasped under her knee.

Yaz sat up, moving to the other side of the bed, respectfully giving her space. “You okay?”

The Doctor nodded but she looked sad.

“We don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with” Yaz reassured her.

“That’s not fair on you Yaz. It’s stupid. I do want to be with you. I keep thinking about it. And God it’s not like you haven’t had your hands everywhere by this point but when you put your hands on me it was like my brain forgot how to be rational and all I could think of was getting away from you but I don’t want to be away from you. I know you’re not going to hurt me but it keeps going through my head.” She was breathing heavily and her voice was full of emotion though she wasn’t crying.

Yaz crossed her legs, turning to face her. “It’s okay to not be okay love. It’s not unreasonable or irrational for you to find intimacy to be difficult, not after what you’ve been through.”

“But I want to be with you! When will this stop defining my life?”

“These memories will always be with you Doctor, but they’re part of you now. They make you who you are, you can’t get rid of them. It wouldn’t be healthy to get rid of them. But your whole life doesn’t have to be about what happened to you. Make new memories.”

“But you weren’t even doing anything. Not really, just touching my back and stomach. You literally do that for me twice a day every day and in for more intimate places!”

“It’s not the same kind of touching though is it Doctor? What we were just doing? That could have led somewhere. It had meaning behind it. But when I’m helping you with physiotherapy or managing your scars or anything else that I do, that’s all I’m doing. I care about what I’m doing but it isn’t going to lead us anywhere. It just is what it is.”

“It’s so frustrating” the Doctor replies angrily, hitting herself on the side of her head with a closed fist “my stupid brain just can’t get it together and it isn’t getting any better.”

Yaz reached over and grabbed her hand, stopping her from doing any damage. “You know that’s not true Doctor. Your brain is healing. But I really don’t think this is a side effect of your brain injuries, this is all PTSD. Which means we can work you through it.”

The Doctor sighed and turning away from Yaz she began to strap her leg back on in preparation for their evening out. “I don’t know why you’re so patient. I don’t deserve it.” She muttered. But Yaz heard her anyway.

“Because I love you. And you do deserve it.”

Yaz wrapped an arm around the Doctor’s shoulder briefly squeezing her in a hug and kissing her cheek. The Doctor leant in, closing her eyes and appreciating the contact. When the Doctor had put her trousers back on she went into the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth before heading out. Yaz was waiting for her, she had wrapped a scarf around her shoulders to protect her from the chill later on and she offered the Doctor her hand so they could walk together.

The restaurant was next to the theatre, set on a cliff with views out across the Adriatic Sea, the cliff side castle and a small island. It was rustic but romantic, lit almost exclusively by candles and soft wall sconces. The food was simple but delicious and Yaz and the Doctor both relaxed in each others company before heading to the theatre for the production.

They had brought cushions to sit on as per the recommendation of the tickets and they settled themselves on the stone ledges surrounding the amphitheatre.

“You know I’ve seen all 900 casts” the Doctor said excitedly. “Even met the real Alexander Hamilton once when there were telepathic zombies running around Washington. We celebrated a bit too much when we got rid of them, had one of the worst hangovers of my entire life that night. You would have laughed at me then Yaz, I had a recorder I used to carry around with me and play it when I got bored or to help me think.”

Yaz was laughing. “You’re telling me that every time you got bored you just whipped a recorder out of your pocket and randomly started playing it?”

“Yep! I was a short 50 year old man then, wore more skirts then then I ever have as a woman. I had a friend called Jamie, he was Scottish with a penchant for kilts and I liked them. Still had the braces though. And a bowtie! Bowties are cool! I should wear them more often.”

“How long ago was that?” Yaz asked out of interest. She knew the Doctor had been a man before but she had only heard about the white haired Scotsman up until now and whoever Martha had been with which seemed to be someone else.

“I was so young, maybe about…” she scrunched her face, thinking for a moment, “maybe about 450 years old? I’m not entirely sure. It’s easy to lose track!”

“That’s what you consider young?”

“I’m not old now by Time Lord standards.”

“Course not. Twice the age of Christianity and not old. How many faces have you had?”

“This is my… fourteenth face. Thirteen men and now a woman.”

“Must have been a bit of a culture shock turning into a woman all of a sudden.”

“Yep. Very surprising! But it’s brilliant! There was a lot of stuff to get used to. Whole new world when you took me to get a bra but I was way more comfortable running around Desolation than I was that first time in Sheffield.”

Yaz laughed again. “That’s what you had to learn about? Wearing a bra?”

“No there was other stuff too. Life was a lot more difficult all of a sudden. Like when we were in Lancashire at the witch trials. I never would have been tried as a witch if I was a man. They did try men as witches of course but it was rare in England and still nowhere near as many as they did women. King James couldn’t even entertain the idea I was the General because I was a woman and he was unbelievably patronising. Don’t know how women haven’t been slapping men across the face for centuries.”

“Says the pacifist” remarked Yaz, eyebrows raised.

“Hey I’m not advocating it, just wondering.”

However they were interrupted by the floodlights around the amphitheatre going down and the stage lights coming up as the cast walked onto stage to begin.

Later that night the Doctor and Yaz were both in their pyjamas under the white duvet. The Doctor was propped up, her book in one hand, trailing her fingers through Yaz’s hair with the other as she lay curled up against the Doctor’s stomach, snoring softly. She sighed in contentment as she thumbed the next page of her book, pushing her glasses slightly further up her nose. It was peaceful and quiet, things she used to avoid. Now she was learning that they could be nice too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been to Dubrovnik though it was a few years ago now. Hopefully I'm remembering it well though I may need to take a few creative licences. I did go on the Game of Thrones walking tour, there really was a juice shop up on the city walls though like Yaz I have never seen or read it.


	33. Chapter 33

“Yaz… Yaz wake up.” The Doctor hissed, lightly shaking her shoulder.

Yaz gave a small cry and sat up suddenly, almost head butting the Doctor in the process. She propped herself up against the head board, breathing heavily.

The Doctor reached out and held her arm. “Are you okay? What were you dreaming about?”

Yaz patted her head reassuringly. “I’m okay. I’m okay. Just a weird dream.”

“What happened? Want to talk about it?”

“I’m not really sure. It’s not the same as the dreams I was having about you before where you were hurt but you were there. I was lost, not really sure where I was though it seemed familiar. You rescued me though so thanks for that.”

The Doctor laughed slightly. “Any time.”

“What time is it?” Yaz asked sleepily, snuggling back in beside the Doctor.

“A little after three, go back to sleep.” She replied softly, kissing Yaz gently on the forehead.

When Yaz woke again she was alone in the bed. The sunlight was streaming through the curtains and she could hear the shower running. She rolled onto her back, stretching and feeling the satisfying burn of her muscles. A few moments later the water stopped though the Doctor didn’t emerge until she was fully dressed half an hour later.

Yaz gave her a quick kiss in greeting and hurried into the bathroom desperate for the loo. She took the opportunity to shower and emerged wrapped in a towel, wet feet leaving footprints on the carpet, rummaging in her suitcase for something to wear.

“I was thinking, do you still want to take that boat trip out to the island today?” asked Yaz.

“Sounds perfect! I looked at the leaflets you got, they have food and pretty scenery and all sorts once you arrive.”

Yaz finished dressing, packed their beach things in her bag and they strolled down to the harbour where the boats left from, the same place they had started their tour the day before. The boats were regular and there was a small crowd waiting. When it turned up they were all ushered on together, crowding in and standing in almost every inch of space. There were no seats left and even though the water was calm the gentle swell was making it difficult for the Doctor to stand without being able to fully brace herself against it. She led Yaz through to the edge of the boat where the railings were so she could both hold on and look out to the water where she was less aware of how many people were surrounding her. Thankfully the trip was short, and they arrived on the lush island twenty minutes later.

Yaz and the Doctor followed the crowd off the boat but made their own path once they had cleared the tiny jetty. They stopped to look at one of the maps that were posted, noting that there were a couple of main routes around the island leading to its most popular areas which were all beaches.

The Doctor pointed out one of the secondary paths which seemed to lead to a quieter viewing area without the attraction of the sand.

“Maybe we could follow this one? I don’t think I want to get sand in my prosthetic, not even sure I could walk on it particularly well without an ankle joint. I mean if you really want to we can give it a go…” she rambled.

“Doctor relax, it looks perfect. I don’t care where we go as long as I get to go with you.”

She grabbed her hand reassuringly and they wandered off. The island was wooded and had uneven paths littered with tree roots, small sticks and leaves so they kept their pace slow and measured.

Despite how small the island was and the fact that they knew there were a lot of other people there, it felt like they had the place all to themselves. They couldn’t see anyone else, the only sounds were the distant noise of sea birds and the lapping of waves.

When they made it through the trees the island scenery changed dramatically, opening out to a large, flat, rocky space which in turn opened out to the sea. There were a few people already there, laying around on towels sunbathing or swimming in the inviting turquoise waters. Yaz helped the Doctor pick her way over to a quiet spot, the rocks uneven underfoot and they settled together in a spot where they weren’t too close to anyone else. The Doctor lifted their towels out, spreading them out for the two women to lie on. 

The Doctor got herself laying down quickly, tucking her bag under her head to use as a pillow. But Yaz found herself suddenly shy. She had a bikini on under her dress and had been planning on catching some sun. She realised with a jolt that the Doctor hadn’t seen her in any sense of undress since Before. As the Doctor had slowly opened up about what she had been through, Yaz had been careful to be respectful. During the in-between phase where she had been acting as a carer for a horrifically injured and deeply traumatised woman who was the victim of sexual violence it would have been incredibly inappropriate. But as their relationship had progressed towards what they had now, Yaz had continued to keep those boundaries, not entirely sure when they could start to be broken down, especially after their conversation yesterday.

She wasn’t particularly body conscious and she knew the black and gold bikini she had on suited her but there was something immensely difficult about pulling her dress off over her head, revealing her body to someone else for the first time in nearly two years, especially when the Doctor was lying fully clothed, her face shielded by a pair of tortishell sunglasses, similar to the pair she had once lent Graham and had apparently borrowed from Pythagoras.

“You alright up there Yaz?”

“Just fine” she squeaked, sitting down quickly to cover her embarrassment at being caught dithering. She took a breath. “Do you mind if I do some sun bathing?”

“No. Why would I? I love sunbathing!”

“No you don’t! The one time we tried when we were on that beach on Reesan you lasted five whole minutes before you couldn’t take lying still anymore and we were off again!”

“Well I’m better at lying still now!”

“Only on the surface. Your hands haven’t stilled since you sat down!”

The Doctor looked down at her hands in surprise as if she hadn’t been aware of the rhythm they had been idly tapping out on her stomach. Yaz used her moment of distraction to whip her dress off over her head and lie down.

It was pleasant lying next to each other, being gently toasted by the sun. The Doctor was keeping her mind busy with a book while Yaz was content to lie in the sun with her eyes closed. They broke up the morning when the Doctor went to a little hut they had passed on the way down to get them cold drinks and fruit to snack on, managing the uneven rocks on her own this time.

As the morning progressed they were slowly joined by more people. They were mostly couples like themselves who were sunbathing and swimming and nobody getting in anyone else’s way. The extra people added atmosphere without crowding them out though the Doctor was glad they had managed to snag such a good spot beside the water before anyone else had.

By the time they had eaten lunch which had come from the same hut as the drinks, they were approaching the hottest part of the day and Yaz was feeling hot and sticky. The turquoise water was shimmering in the sun and looked incredibly inviting. The water was deep allowing for proper swimming in the natural, sheltered cove rather than just splashing about in the waves like you would have to make do with off the islands beaches.

“Fancy a swim?” she asked the Doctor.

“Oh no thanks Yaz. You go ahead though. I’m not a great swimmer.”

Yaz looked at her through narrowed eyes. “We both know that’s not true. I watched you swim across that lake in Pendle during the witch trial when you jumped in after Willa’s granny. Not to mention swimming back again after they tried you.”

“Oh yeah. Well I should probably stay with our stuff anyway.”

“We have nothing worth stealing. And loads of people have left their stuff. Looks pretty safe to me.”

“And we just ate lunch. You shouldn’t swim after a meal.”

“Doctor that was an hour ago. I had lunch, you had three strawberries. You don’t have to come swimming with me but credit me with some intelligence and don’t lie to me.”

“I just don’t like swimming okay?” she snapped.

“Of course it’s okay, I just don’t think it’s true. The TARDIS has four swimming pools and a water park.”

Yaz realised what the problem was. It had been brewing since they arrived, even before that really, Yaz just hadn’t been paying enough attention to notice.

“You don’t want to wear a swim suit.” She said. It was a statement not a question.

“Look at you Yaz, you’re stunning. Now look at me. I’m disgusting. That kid yesterday cried when he saw me and he could only see a small part of my face let alone the rest of me.”

“Doctor you are not disgusting.”

The Doctor snorted with derision. “Yaz people stare at me everywhere we go. Even when I’m wearing trousers, high necked undershirt and scarf so relatively speaking, what they can see, that’s just the tip of the damn iceberg isn’t it?”

Yaz couldn’t disagree with that. “I know you don’t like your scars love and I’m certainly not going to tell you that you should but they’re part of you now and I want you to know that I think you’re beautiful. They show that you fought something terrible and that you won. They show that you are strong and brave and incredible.”

“I just can’t stand the way people look at me Yaz. Before people always trusted me pretty quickly. Then I became a woman and that was much harder, in some time periods almost impossible. But now, people just look at me with pity or fear or like I’ll break if they say the wrong thing. No one will ever trust me to help them when I look like this.”

“Maybe you need to trust yourself and help yourself first Doctor.” The Doctor was caught off guard and turned so she was actually looking at Yaz. “You have life changing injuries and I am not qualified to tell you how you should deal with that. But I could argue that maybe you’re choosing not to deal with it. You let me help you, but you never ask, you wait for me to notice. If I wasn’t there and you needed something, even if it was urgent, you wouldn’t ask anyone else like Ryan or Graham or one of my family. You deal with your social issues by not going out on your own. Ever. And you cover your entire body so no one can see your scars. Maybe you need to face some of these things head on. People don’t trust you because of your face. People trust you because you inspire them and fill them with hope and confidence. But you can’t do that when you don’t believe in yourself.”

Yaz lay back down, using her bag as a pillow and fishing out her book.

“I thought you were going swimming?” asked the Doctor, scrunching her face.

“I was but I would rather be with you”

“Don’t do that Yaz. Please.”

“Do what? Sunbathe? Read? Spend time with you?”

“No. Choose not to do something you want to do because I can’t do it. You’ve already given up a year of your life for me. I can’t allow you to give up any more.”

Yaz groaned in frustration. “First, I haven’t ‘given up’ a year to look after you, I did it because I wanted to. And for the record if I knew what I know now when I found you in my garden I would do it again without hesitating. If I knew it was going to take ten years I would still do it. Second you don’t ‘allow’ me to do anything, I make my own choices. Which is why I am choosing to lie here and spend time with you. I don’t know how many times I need to say this to you for you to understand. You are not a burden. I am not sacrificing anything and I love you.”

The Doctor slammed her hands against the rock in annoyance and she clambered awkwardly to her feet. “I’m going for a walk. Don’t follow me, I’ll be back later.”

Yaz flopped back down. “Well handled Khan” she muttered to herself, watching the Doctor walk away from there.

The Doctor did her best attempt at stalking away though the rocks made it slightly undignified. Hitting the cover of the trees she allowed herself to slow down, her mind in turmoil.

“Well handled Doctor” she said to herself. “You keep going like this she’s going to leave you.”

_Stupid… stupid… stupid_

_How can anyone want to spend time with you when you do stuff like this?_

_Why doesn’t she get it?_

_Stupid… stupid… stupid_

_Just go. It will be better for her._

_Yaz deserves so much more._

_Stupid… stupid… stupid_

_Just leave its what’s best_

_Then you can’t hurt her anymore._

_Just go._

The Doctor turned, following the path they had come down that morning towards the jetty where she could catch a boat back to the mainland.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK so I don't know if isolation is getting to me or not but this story has just taken a very different turn from where I planned. This chapter was going to be full of fluff with some mild angst about the swim suit but it seems to have blown all out of proportion. Hope the Doctor's okay, I haven't written what comes next so hit me with any thoughts or ideas!


	34. Chapter 34

It was gone 7pm and Yaz was frantic. The Doctor had left hours ago and hadn’t come back. The couple next to her had noticed her distress and come to her aid. Yaz left them her phone number and asked them to call her if the Doctor came back. She shoved their stuff in her bag, including the Doctor’s bum bag which she hadn’t taken with her.

Yaz circled the island at a jog, glad she had kept up her police fitness training. She went into all the cafés and shops, asking if anyone had seen a woman of her description, she did, after all, stand out a bit now. But no one had. One couple thought maybe but that was hours ago. 

Yaz circled the island again, stopping every person she met.

 _Have you seen my girlfriend? Rainbow scarf, wearing far too many layers_ … she hesitated… _scars on her face._

Everyone she met. People looked at her in sympathy but each person gave her the same answer.

_Sorry, haven’t seen her._

She tried to reason with herself that the Doctor couldn’t have gone far, Yaz had her psychic paper that she had used as ID, the sonic, her boat ticket and all the money. But then again, she was the Doctor. 

Yaz went down to the jetty, alarmed when she realised that the last boat was leaving at 9, less than an hour away and she pushed her way to the front queue in the small information office.

“My girlfriend has gone missing, has she been through here?” she asked, aware of the desperation in her voice and brandishing her phone with the picture of her and the Doctor that had been taken the day before at the castle.

The young man barley glanced at the photograph. “Nah, haven’t seen her.”

“What about you?” Yaz demanded, shoving the photograph at a young woman who was sweeping the floors.

The woman looked mildly terrified as she shook her head and letting out a frustrated grown Yaz stormed out of the office, heading towards the jetty where a boat had just come in and showed it to a man who had just jumped off. She recognised him as the guy who had taken their tickets that morning.

“I know you see a lot of people every day but have you noticed this woman at some point this afternoon? We came over together this morning and now she's gone.”

“Sorry, not sure. I see a lot of people everyday. She won’t get stuck overnight though, the staff do a thorough sweep of the island every night to pick up any stragglers. They’ll all be getting the last boat in half an hour.”

“Please, is there anyone else on your boat who might have seen her?”

“She’s a big girl, I’m sure she’s fine.”

Yaz bit her tongue to stop herself from shouting at the man who clearly wasn’t grasping the seriousness of the situation.

“Well I’m not sure. She’s not well. She has serious mental health problems and she’s disabled, not that great on her feet. She could have fallen somewhere and hurt herself or…”

Yaz trailed off. She could have been hurt accidentally. But had she been upset enough to hurt herself deliberately? She had mentioned it in passing a couple of times but not a while. Yaz could feel bile rising in her throat and she ran to the side of the dock as she threw up several times.

The man appeared again. “Give me your phone, Ill ask the other crew members, see if anyone remembers her.”

Shaking, Yaz handed over the phone and followed him onto the boat. The ticket collector was showing her phone to another crew member and talking quietly.

“I think I have seen your friend. I remember because I thought she was drunk at first, she kept falling over and she hit me when I tried to help her. It took three of us to move her away from the other passengers. I took her over hours ago now.”

“Oh God. I’m so sorry she hit you, she has some issues with strangers, especially men. And crowds. She wasn’t drunk though, she has a prosthetic leg, probably why she couldn’t balance. What happened when you got back to the city?”

“We had already called the police. I’m sorry, we thought she was off her face, didn’t want her wandering round town like that. Every year drunk tourists fall off the harbour into the water. But she must have slipped off past them because they couldn’t find her anywhere.”

“Thank-you” whispered Yaz, sinking down onto a bench at the side of the boat, her knees suddenly too weak to support her.

One of the men brought her a drink of water and wrapped a blanket around her still trembling shoulders. Yaz was touched, aware that she must look completely insane to them.

Aware that she had drawn way too much attention to herself, the Doctor slipped off the boat as quietly as she could, keeping her head down and doing her best to blend in with the crowds. She had made an idiot of herself on the boat, ranting like a lunatic so much they had called the police.

_Not a bit of wonder Yaz thinks you’re useless._

When she stepped back into the city she realised she had nothing with her. No sonic, no money, not quite empty pockets but not much better.

Keeping her head down she ducked under a low shop canopy and weaved her way down an alley, thankful for the secluded gloom it afforded her. She leaned against the cool stone building , bracing her hands against her knees, breathing hard.

_Now what’s your plan? Bloody stupid leaving like that. Yaz is going to hate you._

Yaz. God, she had been stunning in that bikini. It had been modest as far as bikinis went though all in all it didn’t leave much to the imagination, showing off her smooth, blemish free skin and incredible abs. You used to have abs she thought to herself, then you lay in bed for a year. Yaz didn’t used to have abs.

_Probably got them carrying your useless backside around with her._

Pulling herself upright the Doctor started walking again. She wasn’t sure where she was exactly but knew that as long as she stayed on the flat rather than venturing up into the upper levels of the city she would find the gates. Plus, she was fairly sure she couldn’t manage the uneven steps without Yaz’s reassuring, quiet, steady support. Always there without making a fuss. She didn’t deserve her.

_You’re weak. Now they’ll all see it. Can’t even manage a set of steps on your own. Even the Daleks managed to conquer the stairs._

The Doctor turned, looking at the rough, irregular steps that didn’t have a handrail and started climbing determinedly.

She made it up a couple of flights before deciding to continue along the flat for a while. The evening was growing cool around her, not that it mattered. She hadn’t been lying when she had told Yaz that she wasn’t as susceptible to temperature changes as humans were. However the rain had started fall and getting wet was more of a problem. She wasn’t supposed to get her leg wet, it could rust and dampness inside her socket would cause more skin breakdown. She had only just got back on her feet after the last time.

_Completely and utterly useless. Having a panic about a bit of rain. Call yourself the Doctor?_

The Doctor huddled under a tree to shelter from the rain that was rapidly turning into a downpour. She could taste thunder in the air too and knew she wasn’t safe sheltered under a lonely tree. Maybe if she went back down to the main level of the city, she could find somewhere better to get out of the rain and figure out a plan. She could get out of Yaz’s way and allow her to get on with her life instead of looking after a useless, broken old woman.

The Doctor slowly headed back down a different set of stone steps. Going down stairs was always much harder than going up for some reason and she braced her hand against the rough, stone wall running alongside the steps, lamenting slightly over the lack of a handrail.

Four steps from the bottom, the Doctor began to congratulate herself on a job well done. She could feel her confidence grow. She didn’t need Yaz, she could manage perfectly well on her own.

_How could anyone possibly love you? She’s only staying with you because she feels sorry for you._

That was her last thought before her foot, the real one, caught in an invisible crack. She didn’t have enough strength in her right leg to catch herself and without a handrail she found herself tumbling down the steps to land in a boneless heap at the bottom.

As soon as the boat docked, Yaz was off like a shot, eyes peeled for any sign of the Doctor. She showed her picture to the hosts standing outside of every restaurant she passed but no one had seen her. Yaz had already decided to head straight back for the hotel, it was the only place the Doctor would know how to find that might bring some comfort. She wouldn’t be in a restaurant or bar, too many people, too much noise, too stimulating and the shops were all shut.

Arriving at the hotel, Yaz had to stop herself from sprinting to the hotel room. Her fingers trembled with the room key, but she was met with bitter disappointment as the room was empty, exactly as they had left it that morning.

Taking a deep breath she forced herself to go and check the lobby, after all she had all of the Doctor’s things including her room key. Maybe she would be waiting there and had come to the room so quickly they had missed each other.

Once again disappointed Yaz went back to the room, fishing for her phone. She sat down on the end of the bed and dialled a familiar number. It seemed to ring for an age and when it was finally answered the tears Yaz had been struggling to hold back spilled over her cheeks.

 _“Hello”_ came Ryan’s voice from the other end of the phone.

_“Ryan, it’s Yaz.”_

Back in Sheffield Ryan sat up in bed. Something was wrong. _“Yaz it’s gone midnight, what’s the matter?”_ he asked, his voice no longer thick with sleep.

_“It’s the Doctor. She’s missing. I’m worried she’s hurt.”_

_“She’s missing? What do you mean? Hang on I’m going to wake Graham, hang in there Yaz.”_

Yaz could hear him getting out of bed, knocking on Graham’s door and Graham mumbling in sleep addled confusion.

_“Yaz what’s happened? Ryan said the Doc is missing?”_

Yaz surmised that she had been put on speaker phone. _“It’s all my fault. We were sunbathing on this island. I wanted to go swimming and tried to persuade her to come with me but she wouldn’t, kept giving me these ridiculous excuses and I pushed. Got into it a bit about her body image and she walked off. Told me she wanted space. This was about half one, but she didn’t come back. I know she left the island, but I can’t find her. I have her phone, her sonic, all the money. What do I do? What if she’s hurt? What if she’s hurt herself? What if she’s dead?”_

Yaz could feel herself becoming mildly hysterical.

_“Yaz you have to calm down. Does she know your number?”_

Yaz hiccuped. “ _Yeah”_

_“Good that means she can contact you. What I would do love is give her another hour or so, see if she contacts you or comes back. If not, call the police.”_

_“I can’t call the police Graham, she has no passport, just the psychic paper. It got us through passport control when she was in charge of it but won’t stand up to police scrutiny wielded by me.”_

_“Just say you don’t have her passport, say she has it with her. She’s very vulnerable Yaz and alone in a strange city. You have to.”_

_“I don’t want to upset you love but have you contacted the local hospital to see if anyone matching her description has been admitted?”_

_“You don’t think…”_

_“I don’t think anything. But might be a good idea to check. And check soon before someone can get near her with a stethoscope.”_

_“OK thanks guys. I’ll ring off in case she tries to get in touch.”_

_“Yaz, call us as soon as you hear anything. No matter what time. And if you need one or both of us to fly out all you have to do is ask .”_

_“I will, goodnight.”_

Yaz sniffed slightly and went to the bathroom to blow her nose, pausing slightly in the doorway to run her fingers over the Doctor’s pyjamas on the hook that smelled of her.

She jumped slightly as her phone started ringing shrilly from across the room.

Yaz ran to it, fumbling with it slightly in her anxious state from the unrecognised number.

The voice on the other end was a man and he sounded nervous.

_“Hello, is that Yaz?”_

_“Speaking.”_ Yaz was impressed with how steady her voice was.

_“Hi, you don’t know me. My name is Evan. Your friend Jane asked me to call you, she’s had a bit of a fall and was wondering if you could come and meet her, she says she can’t remember how to get back to the hotel.”_

_“Oh thank God”_ Yaz sobbed. _“Is she hurt?”_

_“Erm, she says not but she got quite combatant when I tried to get near her. My wife is with her now. She won’t let us call her an ambulance.”_

_“NO! No don’t do that. She has a phobia of hospitals. I can give her the care she needs and if not I’ll call one when I arrive. Where are you?”_

Evan quickly gave Yaz instructions to find the secluded spot where the Doctor had been found and Yaz threw their beach stuff on a chair in the corner of the room so she could have her handbag back. She was just about to leave the room when she spied the Doctor’s wheelchair folded up behind the door and quickly grabbed it, if she had had a fall she probably wouldn’t be in any state to walk back and there were no vehicles in the enclosed old town.

Checking on her phone Yaz estimated the Doctor to be more than a mile away but she could run the distance in about twenty five minutes if she got a shift on.

Although the town was still busy, it was only just gone 10pm, all Yaz could hear was the rushing of blood in her ears and the steady pounding of her feet on the pavement, pausing only to check google maps on her phone a couple of times.

As usual Yaz could hear the Doctor before she saw her and the sound of her rambling filled her with relief. She abandoned the chair and ran to the Doctor, dropping to her knees and gathering the other woman in her arms, embracing her tightly.

“Are you alright?” she asked softly, not releasing the Doctor from her arms.

She could feel her nod against her shoulder.

Yaz pulled back, keeping her hands on the Doctor’s shoulders, scrutinising her. “Let’s go home.”

Yaz turned to thank Evan and his wife for their time but they were already heading down the street so she grabbed the Doctor’s wheelchair for her from where she had abandoned it in her haste to het to the Doctor.

“Can you stand on your own?”

The Doctor had been watching her shifted her gaze to her fingers which were fidgeting anxiously. Yaz fought the urge to roll her eyes but wrapped a secure arm around the Doctor’s waist, the other under her elbow and hoisted her to her feet, carefully depositing her in the wheelchair, not missing the clicking sound coming from the region of her right knee.

They made their way back to the hotel in silence. Now the sheer relief of having found the Doctor unharmed had left her, Yaz was just angry, and a little hurt.

She walked quickly, keeping herself in front of the Doctor and her head bowed so she wouldn’t be caught crying, trying to hold it in until she had some privacy. She didn’t want the Doctor to see her cry tonight.

As soon as they got back to the room Yaz locked herself in the bathroom. She sat down on the floor, curled up in front of the bath and wept. Wept with relief because she was safe, with anger that she had left, with sorrow for the current train wreck that was her relationship and wept with mourning for the woman she had fallen in love with who she couldn’t seem to reach any more. Yaz sat until her limbs were aching and stiff from the cold tiled floor. She couldn’t hear the Doctor moving around but she knew she was still there; the door hadn’t clicked.

Yaz slowly untangled her limbs and stood up, putting on her pyjamas and brushing her teeth as slowly as possible so she could delay the inevitable conversation she needed to have.

Reluctantly Yaz pushed open the door. The Doctor was sitting on the edge of the bed, hunched over her prosthetic leg which she was adjusting with an allen key, presumably sorting out whatever had been causing the clicking and had prevented her from getting off the ground on her own.

The Doctor looked up as Yaz came out of the bathroom and immediately tried to catch Yaz’s eye which she ignored.

“Yaz… I…”

“Not tonight Doctor.”

“We need to….”

“We need to go to bed before either of us say something we regret.” Yaz went to the wardrobe and fished for the extra pillows and blankets she knew were kept there and dumped them on the sofa.

“Yaz what are you doing?”

“Doctor I need some space tonight okay? I’m going to sleep here.”

“Please, come to bed.”

Yaz ignored her plea and got resolutely under the blanket, punching the pillow into a more comfortable shape.

She fished her phone out of her bag that was on the floor beside her and threw it on the bed beside where the Doctor was sitting. “Before you go to bed phone Ryan and Graham and tell them you’re not dead.”

Yaz pulled the pillow over her head as soon as she heard the Doctor begin to dial. She didn’t want to listen to what she would say but she stuffed her fist in the mouth so the Doctor wouldn’t hear her crying quietly to herself.

How had their perfect holiday gone so terribly wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things always look better in the morning, right?


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I don't think this chapter is great.
> 
> I found out this morning that a close friend and colleague has passed away because of Covid-19 and although I wanted to write I think this influenced what I wrote. I may take a few days break from writing anymore of this so not sure when there will be another update.

It was early, just gone 5 and Yaz watched the sun rise through the window, she had managed a doze at one point but not much more. She had been able to hear the Doctor crying quietly until the early hours and it had taken a lot of strength not to go to her. Even now she was sleeping fitfully, fidgeting and mumbling in the bed.

The sofa was comfortable enough but after lying on it all night Yaz was desperate to move. She needed to think, to process more fully. Her running gear was in the bottom of her suitcase and she put it on. Part of her wanted to give the Doctor a taste of her own medicine and just leave for a while but she didn’t. Instead she wrote a quick note and propped it up on the bedside table which explained that she had gone for a run and wouldn’t be long before slipping out of the hotel room without making a sound.

Yaz focused on the steady pounding of her feet on the street as she ran, trying to tune out the rest of the world and let her subconscious do its thing. At home she ran most mornings, anything up to eight miles depending on how the Doctor was that day: good days she would take her time and run as far as she could; bad days she would do a short, intense run, reluctant to leave the Doctor for too long on her own; really bad days she wouldn’t leave the house unless there was someone else there. Sometimes not even then.

And there she was, thinking about her again.

On the way back to the hotel Yaz was lured in by the smell of a bakery that had just opened and bought fresh, traditional Croatian pastries, a tea and a coffee to bring back for breakfast.

When Yaz got back to the hotel room the Doctor was still asleep though no more peacefully than before, a deep frown on her face. She had lost the blanket and Yaz took a moment to look at her. She was fully dressed in long pyjamas though where her top had ridden up over her stomach and around her elbow all Yaz could see was the thick scarring. She remembered a long ago conversation with Ryan when she had explained to him that the physical scars would be the least of the Doctor’s problems. Ryan hadn’t really understood back the but Yaz hated how right she had been. Yaz shook the thought away from her head, there were also goose bumps on the Doctor’s leg and Yaz picked the blanket up off the floor and flicked it over her again, taking care not to wake her.

Yaz had a quick shower and dressed silently before heading out to terrace. The sun was up properly though it was still very early and lacked any real heat so she wrapped a soft blanket around her shoulders. She slowly savoured the coffee and pastry, leaving the tea and second pastry for the Doctor. She had already decided not to wake her, she could sonic the tea to heat it up whenever she was ready but really she was just avoiding the argument that was sure to come.

She still didn’t know what she wanted. For herself, from the Doctor, for her future.

Yaz curled up, tucking her toes in under the blanket and resting her cheek against her knees. She was both anxious for the Doctor to wake and absolutely dreading it.

Yaz could hear the Doctor stirring behind her but didn’t turn around. She listened as she made her way to the bathroom using the furniture for balance. A while later she appeared on the terrace on her crutches.

Yaz hadn’t moved, her head still turned away from where the Doctor was hovering behind her. It was unusually irritating. “There’s tea and a pastry for you on the table” she said, pleased that her voice was calm and unemotional. She heard the Doctor sit down behind her, a quiet rustle of the paper bag containing breakfast and the soft slurping of tea.

Finally the Doctor spoke.

“Yaz… are you going to talk to me?”

Yaz slowly turned around to look at the Doctor, crossing her legs and sitting ram rod straight. The Doctor was fully dressed, but she was paler than ever, a slightly greyish tinge to her skin and red-rimmed eyes.

“I’m not sure I have anything left to say” Yaz admitted.

“But we have to talk about this.”

“Now you want to talk? The time to talk to me was yesterday. But you chose to run away instead.”

The Doctor had the grace to look ashamed. “I’m sorry Yaz.”

“Are you? You keep saying it but then you go and do this.” Yaz’s tone was cold, emotionless but she held the Doctor’s gaze.

“I didn’t mean to.” The Doctor admitted in a small voice.

“Run away or come back?”

The Doctor visibly flinched at the accusation and Yaz knew she had hit on something.

“Why did you do it?” asked Yaz.

The Doctor stared at her knees, picking at her fingers again. “I really didn’t mean to. I was just intending to go for a walk. But then my head started telling me stuff. Telling me how much better off you would be if I wasn’t here. That me being gone is what’s best for you. So, I decided to leave.”

“And do what Doctor? Not a ha’penny to your name. Empty pockets.”

“I hadn’t figured that out yet. Always been fine before.”

“Right” Yaz nodded “And was I going to get any say in what’s best for my life?”

“You’ve been making decisions for me for months.” She said coldly. It was the same tone of voice she used when telling off a murderous alien species and Yaz had never had it directed at her. It was like a knife to her guts.

“You think I enjoyed that? You think I wanted to do it? You think I don’t second guess every decision I was forced to make every single day? This last year has been hard on you, I know that. But it’s been hard for me too.”

The Doctor was glaring at her and Yaz could practically see the fight or flight war going on her brain. For her part, Yaz had slipped into PC Khan mode, cool, calm, detached from the emotions of the situation.

“I was left at your house to die Yaz. Why didn’t you just let it happen? If you had gone outside five minutes later my hearts would have stopped. You could have buried me somewhere nice and moved on with your life. Would have been a hell of a lot easier than this for both of us.”

Yaz exhaled loudly, her hand pinching her nose for a moment. “The only decision I made that I don’t question was the one to go outside that night.” She took a deep breath, trying to hold back the emotions that were threatening to overspill.

“Well you shouldn’t have. I look like Frankenstein. And I would know, I met him. Don’t have any more going on the brains department than him now either for that matter. That’s the decision you made. And I’m supposed to be grateful? Well then thanks Yaz. Thank-you very much.”

Her words are like venom as she spits them out. In some ways it’s a good thing. Anger needs to be released in some way. And talking is better than not talking. But they hurt to hear. Like the knife that was already in her guts is being twisted, tearing up her insides.

“I can’t keep having the same conversation with you over and over again!” Yaz cried. “We can’t go back and change things. And even if we could I would still do everything possible to save your life. So you have to find a way to live with that and I can’t do that for you.”

“Oh great. You make the decisions that ruin my life and I can pick up the pieces. Brilliant. Really fucking brilliant.” She shouted.

Yaz opened and closed her mouth without saying anything. She can’t believe how incredibly selfish the Doctor is being right now.

“How dare you insinuate that I left you alone for one second to deal with the fallout. You do not get to speak to me like this. You want to have an actual, real conversation where we accomplish something then that’s great. Talk away. But I will not sit here and listen to you accuse me of ruining your life.”

She was interrupted by the ringing of her phone and stalked angrily into the hotel room to answer it, closing the sliding doors behind her for some privacy and leaving the Doctor in tears.

_“Hello?”_

_“Yaz! It’s Ryan and Graham. We just wanted to check you guys are alright.”_

Yaz let out a sigh of relief at the sound of their voices.

_“Not really, no.”_

_“What’s happened? Have we interrupted something?”_

_“A fight. And I needed a reprieve so thank-you for that.”_

_“Do you want to talk about it?”_

_“What is there to talk about? It’s come back to what it always come back to. She blames me for the state she's in now, for amputating her leg, thinks she looks like Frankenstein.”_

_“We all made those decisions Yaz. You did everything you could and more. Way past above and beyond and you know it.”_

_“Yeah I do, but she's still right. What right did I have to make them?”_ Yaz choked slightly. _“She wishes I had left her to die.”_

_“I don’t think that’s really true Yaz. You’ve said yourself she’s not well.”_

_“I just can’t keep having the same conversation with her over and over again.”_

_“Maybe you need to take a break from her? It sounds like there’s a lot of emotion right now.”_

_“When we get back. I’m worried if I leave her on her own right now she’ll either up and leave or hurt herself.”_

At the other end of the phone Graham sighed. They had grown complacent, allowed the Doctor to do what she always did and wear a mask hiding her emotions. Allowed her to trick them into thinking she was recovering when she clearly hadn’t been. For their part, they had let her do it without really questioning it.

Yaz walked over to the door, slid it open and handed the phone to the Doctor who hadn’t moved. She went back into the main bedroom and flopped onto the sofa.

If the Doctor truly blamed her, then Yaz was realistic enough to know that there was very little hope of them salvaging their relationship.

If she didn’t and was intentionally trying to hurt Yaz then that wasn’t much better. Or was it more like the introduction to psychology she had had as part of her police training; the Doctor was in so much pain she was lashing out at a safe person who she could trust to not retaliate. Releasing the pain and anger in any way she could. Horrible, twisted logic.

Yaz could see her through the window. She was still crying and had curled in on herself again, but she wasn’t shouting at Graham the way she had shouted at Yaz. Of course she wasn’t. Yaz was her metaphorical punching bag.

A few minutes later Yaz watched her hang up the phone, pick up her crutches and make her way back into the hotel room. She sat, perched on the edge of the bed

“I don’t blame you Yaz.”

“Really? You keep saying it. Some part of you clearly does.”

“I know you made the decisions. Graham and Ryan would have gone along with whatever you suggested. I know they must have been hard decisions to make but I don’t blame you for making them.”

“You still wish I hadn’t made any decisions other than to let you die. Answer me this, if I had been badly hurt, would you have tried to save my life? If the tables were turned can you really tell me that you wouldn’t have made the same decisions.”

“If it was the other way around I would have had access to superior technology and medical care. If nothing else, I would have had my own medical knowledge to fall back on.”

“So what? Now you’re blaming me for not having any medical training? Martha did and she barely managed to stay for 48 hours! And that doesn’t answer my question Doctor. We both know that if the roles were reversed and I had wandered into the TARDIS as badly hurt as you were, you would have done everything in your power to save me. What I did is no different to that.”

They both fell silent. Yaz needed to think carefully about what she needed to say next.

She took a deep breath to prepare herself, aware that she was about to hurt the Doctor immensely.

“Doctor you need to think about what you want. I love you but it hurts too much. I think we need to take a break so you can figure things out. You can’t keep treating me this way. You need to decide if you’re with me because you love me too or if it’s convenient because no matter how much you like to pretend you’re okay you’re really not ready to be on your own yet.”

“That’s it? We’re broken up?” the Doctor gasped, looking confused and hurt.

“No. Pressing pause so you can have time to think. I need time too. And I think we need some boundaries. I’ll stay on the sofa tonight. And when we get back to England I think it would be good if we spent some time apart. I’ll go and spend some time with mum and dad so you can have space.”

The Doctor grabbed Yaz’s hands. “Yaz I don’t want to spend time apart. I want to be with you.”

“But I don’t think you do.” Whispered Yaz, pulling her hands gently out of the Doctor’s grasp.

Yaz was crying freely while the Doctor looked numb, both perched awkwardly on far ends of the sofa, so close yet unreachable.


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for your kind words. They were much appreciated.
> 
> Sorry, it's a bit sad and angsty. Still feeling rubbish but writing is better than moping on the sofa.

The journey back to Sheffield passed mostly in silence. Yaz knew the Doctor was angry but she could practically feel the woman’s distress and panic rolling off her in waves as they negotiated the crowded airport. Close but not touching. Yaz wasn’t heartless, if the Doctor asked for help she would give it but the whole point of this was that the Doctor needed to face up to the real world and that meant asking for what she needed, not having Yaz by her side every minute of every day to just do it.

For her part, Yaz was just sad. It was painful to watch the Doctor go through security and receive a full pat down knowing how uncomfortable she was but not stepping in to say a word. Yaz knew she needed to step back and let the Doctor struggle on her own a little but that didn’t make it any easier for her to watch.

Graham had to come to meet them again. This time Yaz stepped straight into the back seat, allowing the Doctor the front, she looked like she could use a friend. Yaz closed her eyes and pretended to sleep. She wouldn’t fool the Doctor who would be able to hear her heartbeat and breathing that would indicate wakefulness, but she couldn’t bare the understanding glances from Graham in the rear view mirror. And she really did need the rest. Two nights on the sofa with no more than a couple of hours sleep.

Yaz woke with a start, realising that she must have fallen asleep at some point on the drive back. They were outside her parents flat, presumably having just arrived. She had phoned her mum the day before and Najia had already been round to her house and collected her work uniform and some casual clothes.

She got out of the car and heaved her small but heavy suitcase out of the boot from where it had got tangled in the handles of the Doctor’s wheelchair. Dropping it on the ground with a satisfying clunk, she went round to the passenger seat where the Doctor had got out of the car and was standing, fidgeting with her hands and leaning against the car for balance. She was crying again.

“Please don’t go Yaz.” Her voice was thin and quiet like she hadn’t had any more sleep than Yaz had over the last few days. She reached out and took Yaz’s hand, squeezing it gently.

Yaz gently detatched her hand. “I have to.”

“When will I see you again?”

“I don’t know.”

“Can we call? I have to know if you’re safe.”

Part of Yaz wanted to refuse. This was a break after all but would it help the Doctor think about what she needed to do if she was just worrying that Yaz had been hurt at work. She relented. “Once a day. And just for a few minutes okay?”

The Doctor didn’t manage to say anything. She looked utterly dejected.

“Bye Doctor” Yaz said softly. She resisted the urge to reach out and touch her and instead walked resolutely towards the building. She could feel the Doctor watching her walk away but she didn’t look back. Mercifully Sonya had come to meet her at the entrance and Yaz allowed her sister to wrap an arm around her and lead her inside.

Walking into her childhood bedroom was like going back into a time warp. Even though she had only moved out of the room less than two years ago it still had all the remnants of her childhood in it. Tattered posters and photos with girls she hadn’t spoken to in years on the wall, A-Level textbooks on the book shelves, prom dress in the wardrobe and bright pink duvet on the bed. Her suitcase from home was on her desk and she opened it cautiously to unpack it. Unpacking felt like she was making a statement. Like this was for real.

Yaz lingered over her task for as long as she possibly could, knowing that when she was done she would have a full inquisition from her mum. Najia was nothing if not persistent. She fiddled with her jewellery box, it didn’t have anything in it that had any monetary value but the trinkets inside were important to her none the less. She let her fingers run over some smooth wooden beads, a gift from her Nani who had been travelling in Pakistan when Yaz was about six.

“Yaz, dinner time sweetheart” came Najia’s call from the kitchen.

Sighing, Yaz picked herself up from the desk chair she had been sitting in and made her way out to face her family. Her dad had cooked his terrible pakora again and Yaz ate silently. Her family clearly had some sort of unspoken agreement not to ambush her over dinner which Yaz was grateful for but it had led to an unnatural silence which was vaguely uncomfortable.

When they had finished eating Hakim ushered Sonya into the kitchen to help with the dishes. Yaz used the cover of her sisters protests to slip out and hide in her bedroom as a temporary sanctuary.

However less than ten minutes later Najia was bustling in, without knocking, baring two cups of tea. Yaz was lying on the bed, arms wrapped around her Eeyore cushion, curled into the foetal position. Najia made herself at home by settling into the desk chair and shoving one of the cups of tea into Yaz’s hands, forcing her to sit up.

“So what happened?”

“We had a fight.”

“That’s not the whole reason though is it love? After everything the two of you have been through you wouldn’t walk out on her because of one fight.”

“Do we have to get into this right now?” groaned Yaz.

“We do if you want to stay here.”

“Fine. We had a fight and she walked off and left me. I didn’t know where she was, she was gone for hours. I thought… I thought… I thought she was dead. I honestly thought she’d killed herself.”

Najia got up from where she was sitting and came to be beside Yaz, wrapping a comforting arm around her shoulders.

“You don’t really think she would do that do you love?”

“I honestly don’t know any more mum. She just walked off without a word. She didn’t even think about the fact that I would be worried or entertain the idea of us having an actual, adult conversation.”

“So how did that lead to you being here?” Najia probed gently.

“I told her she has to decide what she wants. I chose her not because of what she’s been through but in spite of it. She needs to do the same. She needs to decide if she wants to be with me because she loves me or because she needs a nurse.”

“For what it’s worth Yaz, I think she loves you very much. But I don’t think she knows how to express it. Her social skills are… they could use some work.”

Yaz shorted in spite of herself. “Yeah mum, you could say that.”

The Doctor and Graham unloaded his car together, initially piling things up in the hall and then sorting them to where they needed to go. Washing to the kitchen, clean clothes to the wardrobe, medical supplies to the bathroom and bedroom. It didn’t take very long and when they were done the Doctor found herself slumping onto the couch. She suddenly felt very alone even though Graham was just a few feet away in the kitchen. He was insisting on making her dinner. Refused to listen to her protests that she wasn’t hungry. She wondered what Yaz was doing.

The Doctor jumped as Graham appeared front of her suddenly.

“Alright there Doc?” asked Graham in concern, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

“I’m fine Graham. Sorry, what did you say?”

“Just that dinners ready. Nothing too fancy I’m afraid, just a fry-up.”

“You don’t have to do this you know Graham” she sighed, hoisting herself off the sofa and onto her crutches. Annoyingly, the swelling in her stump that was caused by the flight hadn’t gone down enough to put her leg back on.

“Do what?”

“Look after me. I’m more than 4,000 years old, been alone for most of that and I’m quite capable of managing alone.”

Graham looked offended. “Sorry Doc. Just fancied some company, been a long drive and was taking a break before going home. Ryan spends a lot of time with Sonya at the moment or else he’s studying or working. He’s got some big project thing to do that’s really stressing him out.”

Graham left quickly after that leaving the Doctor feeling worse than ever. She helped herself to the ginger beer from the fridge that Yaz liked to drink though she had studiously avoided all this time and allowed herself to collapse back onto the sofa, head in her hands.

The food lay untouched on the table, coagulating into a greasy lump that was fused to the plate.

Yaz reached over to turn off her alarm clock just before it started blaring. Despite the comfort of her childhood bed, she hadn’t managed much more sleep but she had to go to work. She stumbled out of bed, hoping that a combination of a cool shower and coffee would waken her up enough to get through her shift.

By the time she arrived at the station Yaz was feeling marginally more alert and ready to face the day. She made herself another cuppa and then headed for a computer, knowing that she needed to check her emails before she would know what was required of her for the day. Probably parking disputes but she could always live in hope. The first thing she noticed was that she had a meeting with Jennifer starting in ten minutes. Yaz quickly downed the coffee, logged off and legged it through the building. It was a big place and Jennifer’s unit actually worked out of a small building next door, away from the hustle and bustle of a busy station.

She was greeted by Jennifer as soon as she had pushed the door of the unit open who looked genuinely pleased to see her.

“PC Khan! Glad you got my message. I know you haven’t formally accepted my offer but I really wanted to show you a little more about what we do here. What do you say?”

Yaz was surprised. Usually you were picked for a department and sent there and rarely was it as interesting as this unit who seemed very keen to have her specifically, not just any uniform.

“Yeah that would be great. What do I have to do?”

“We have a lady coming in in a few minutes. She won’t talk to the lead detective who is investigating her rape but hopefully she will talk to me. She and I will be in the room together and I will focus on gaining her trust before I begin to question her. It’s vital that I do get information from her though, she's the latest victim in a series of rapes but the only living witness.”

Jennifer showed Yaz to a small viewing room. The room on the other side had comfortable sofas, calm pictures and walls painted the colour of clotted cream. Very different from the interrogation rooms in the main police station.

A few minutes later a young woman was wheeled into the room by Jennifer in a clunky NHS wheelchair, exactly like the one Graham had loaned them. She was hunched over but Yaz could see that she was badly beaten. Her face was covered in bruises, her lip was split and had three ugly, black stitches. She was holding herself tightly.

Jennifer was talking to her calmly, making her tea and asking questions about the woman’s cat, exchanging details of her own mischievous moggy.

Yaz watched for more than two hours. She felt sick. There were some parallels between what the Doctor had been through and it was hard for her to listen to. But most of all, Yaz wanted to catch the man who had done this. The people who had hurt the Doctor would probably never be held to account for their actions and there was nothing Yaz could do about that, but she could help find the man who had hurt this woman.

_Uuuurgh_

The Doctor pulled the pillow over her head, willing the incessant banging noise to stop. Her head had been pounding before she the banging had started.

Just as suddenly as it had started, it stopped. She breathed a sigh of relief and closed her eyes again against the harsh morning sunlight. Unfortunately her peace was shattered when someone inconsiderately grabbed her left shoulder and shook her hard.

She batted her hand against them, willing them to leave her alone.

They grabbed her again, strong hands digging into her scars.

_Yaz was never that rough with her._

“Doctor wake up!”

 _A man’s voice, definitely not Yaz_.

Throwing her arm across her face she groaned and rolled over, blinking blearily at Ryan who was leaning over her, far too close.

“Doctor what the hell are you doing? It’s three in the afternoon! I’ve been phoning you for hours, was getting proper worried about you!”

The Doctor sat up slowly, using the back of the sofa to help and squinting at Ryan.

“Sorry” she managed to gasp suddenly fighting back an incredible wave of nausea. She needed the bathroom. Right now. She threw her legs over the side of the sofa and stood up, collapsing again almost instantly.

“Damnit!” she cried, instantly regretting the noise that reverberated around her head and thumping the floor with her fists, preparing to crawl to the bathroom. She retched again and Ryan seized her under the armpits, dragging her upright and half carried her to the bathroom where he deposited her on the floor unceremoniously and disappeared again. The Doctor grabbed the side of the toilet and threw up violently, she was vaguely aware of Ryan retuning and her crutches being deposited on the floor behind her as he swept her hair out of her face.

Satisfied that she wouldn’t throw up again she sat up, leaning against the bath and Ryan pushed a glass of water into her hands.

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked sounding concerned

“Nothing. I’m fine.” She muttered, taking a slow sip of the water and closing her eyes.

“Don’t lie to me. What’s the matter? If I didn’t know Yaz doesn’t keep alcohol in the flat I would assume you were hungover.”

“I can’t get drunk off human alcohol.”

“I’m waiting for a but in there. There were eight bottles of ginger beer beside the sofa.”

“I don’t get drunk as such, its more of a profoundly deleterious effect and leaves quite the hangover.”

“Uhhh right. Can you get up now? Make it back down to the living room?”

“Yeah” she hauled herself back to her feet slowly Ryan followed her as she wobbled her way back down the stairs, ready to catch her if she fell again.

Back in the living room the Doctor collapsed into a chair at the table, allowing her head to rest against its cool wood.

“Can I get you something? Pain relief? Greasy food? Sugar?”

She glared at him. “Ryan, I had my leg cut off upstairs and couldn’t have pain relief or aesthetic for that. You really think I can magically have some now for a hangover.”

Ryan rolled his eyes at her tone and went into the kitchen where he got rid of the congealed food from the night before. He made her fresh toast, a pint of water and stacked custard creams on the side of the plate. He put it on the table, making her jump.

“I don’t need a babysitter Ryan.”

“Right. Sure you don’t. Lets run through the last three days then. You pick a fight with Yaz instead of talking to her. Then you run away. By the way, she phoned us convinced you’d hurt yourself, you get back, have a go at Graham, drink yourself into a stupor and if I hadn’t been here would have either vomited all over the floor or choked on it. Precisely which part of that shows an adult who can be trusted to take care of themselves? And for the record I didn’t come here to be your babysitter or check on you.”

The Doctor looked at him mutinously. “What do you want Ryan? Cause I really can’t be bothered.”

“I was hoping you would be able to help me. Having a problem with this project I’m working on. Can’t get the engineering to work.”

“Doubt I can help you. Haven’t you noticed? My brain is worthless now.”

“Doctor quit feeling sorry for yourself. You’ve already managed to make Yaz leave which is no mean feat. You don’t have enough friends to alienate anymore. Eat the food. Drink the water and then go have a shower. You look like shit.”

“You can’t tell me what to do.”

“Then be a grown-up and make your own decisions to look after yourself.” He was frustrated and leaned over her, shouting at her. He didn’t miss the way she cowered from him. He quickly sat down instead and pushed the food in front of her again. “Eat.” He sat back in his chair, arms folded, supervising,

“So Yaz, after a day in our unit do you think you’ll be joining us?”

“You do amazing, important work here.”

“But?”

“Jane still needs a lot of care. I don’t know if I can do it here all day and then go home and do the same for her.”

“How’s she doing?” Jennifer asked softly.

Yaz took look one look at her kind, open face, full of understanding and couldn’t hold back the tears. Dimly she was aware of Jennifer wrapping an arm around her shoulders and leading her into her office, handing her tissues while she cried.

“What’s happened Yaz?”

“I… I moved out. I left her.”

“I’m sure you didn’t do that without a good reason. Want to talk about it?”

“I just feel like I’m doing it all on my own. She's still traumatised but any time it seems like she’s getting better she slides ten steps back. She actually ran away and I thought she had killed herself. I told her she needs to decide if she’s with me because she loves me or because she needs a nurse. I love her so much and I know she’s been through hell but so have I. Not the same as her I know but it’s not like this has been a picnic for me either.”

“Yaz it doesn’t sound like you’ve left her. It sounds like you’re taking some much needed mental health space. That’s really important, you can’t take care of someone else if your own needs aren’t being met. If you don’t mind me asking, how much care does she still need?”

“Not so much anymore. She can’t always use her prosthetic, the skin is really delicate so she has to use it sparingly. Her burn scars have to be treated twice per day and she can’t reach them all. She needs physiotherapy at least once per day and if she doesn’t get it then her muscles go haywire. Her fine motor skills are affected so she needs help with things like buttons, opening things and such and then there’s all the effects of her brain injury, she can’t always process stuff, needs instructions loads of times, can’t plan complex tasks and then there’s all her mental health needs on top of that.”

“That’s a lot to do on your own. Does anyone help you with the physical care stuff? What about her family?”

“She doesn’t have one. Our friends Ryan and Graham support me but they can’t do the care stuff, she won’t let them. It’s not that long since she managed to sit in a room with them on her own without a full blown panic attack.”

“It’s very difficult to balance the role of carer and partner.” Sympathised Jennifer.

“When she first came home and I was caring for her full time I thought it was the hardest thing I had ever done. I felt so out of my depth, like she could die on me at any moment. But in some ways it was easier than this. She needs her independence but I’ll admit it’s hard to watch her struggle. And I’m still worried she’ll hurt herself. I just really miss my girlfriend.”

“Look Yaz, I don’t know you or Jane and I can’t even begin to understand what the two of you have been through. You can tell me to buzz off and mind my own business but I don’t think you can ask her to be the person she was. She is still in there but she’s been irreversibly changed by her experiences. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t still love you.”

“Are you telling me I should go back home?”

“No I’m not. I think you’re right to give her space. She does need to think about what she wants but you need to think too. You say you don’t want to be a nurse and I can understand that but she will probably always need some element of care, are you willing to do that? And learn how to balance that with being her partner?”

“It’s so hard to know what to do. Sometimes I just don’t know what to say to her anymore.”

“Talk to her about what you’ve always talked to her about. If you’ve had a lousy day at work, complain about it. If she needs to do more dishes then tell her. It can be hard to go back to everyday life but that’s maybe what you need.”

“God I’m so sorry for crying all over you and burdening you with all my problems. I don’t even know you. I’m probably the last person you want in your unit now.”

“Sometimes it’s easier to talk to strangers. And on the contrary, I would like you to be part of my unit very much.”

“I’ll do it. I could do with a new challenge.”

Jennifer clapped her on the back. “I’m delighted to hear it. It will take a few days to get the paperwork sorted but I think you’re making the right decision. But I want you to promise me that if you think things are getting on top of you, you’ll talk to someone. It doesn’t have to be to me but I’ll always be happen to listen okay?”


	37. Chapter 37

Ryan knocked again on Yaz’s front door. He hadn’t managed to make it round for a couple of days and Graham had been under the weather, so he hadn’t been either. Between his work, studying and his relationship with Sonya he really didn’t have time to babysit her, but he was marginally concerned that she hadn’t replied to any texts. And now she wasn’t answering the door. He fished his key out of his pocket and attempted to insert it into the lock, but it wouldn’t fit.

“That’s not right” he muttered to himself, trying again. Even the Doctor wouldn’t be rude enough to change the locks to someone else’s house. He realised she must have left the key in the lock. He headed round to the back garden, using the bin to vault the fence. The back door was locked too, and the downstairs curtains were shut. Ryan was feeling distinctly uneasy. He pulled out his phone and quickly dialled Yaz’s number.

_“Ryan, it’s my first day at my new job and I’m just about to go in, is it urgent?”_

_“Yaz I’m at your house. Doc hasn’t answered her phone for a couple of days, curtains are shut, and I can’t get in. Keys are in the locks. Been banging for a while.”_

Yaz felt her stomach drop and she grasped the door handle tightly.

_“Break the window.”_

_“What? Are you sure?”_

_“Ryan chuck a rock through the window. She could be hurt, dying or dead. Break the damn window and don’t you dare hang up until you find her.”_

Ryan scuffed his feet around and found a decent sized rock. He took careful aim and threw it through the window of Yaz’s back door. He reached in and turned the key, letting himself in and kicking the broken glass out of his way.

The house was silent, and kitchen was empty, save for a few flies hovering around the toast and biscuits Ryan had made several days previously. He pushed open the door to the living room with trepidation. There were several more empty bottles of ginger beer than the last time he was here but no Doctor. He hurried upstairs. The bed was empty and hadn’t been slept in and the bathroom was the same though her leg and crutches were leaning against the wall. Ryan made his way back down the stairs and realised her wheelchair was also lying in the living room. He frowned at it. That wasn’t right.

_“Yaz I can’t find her here but her leg and crutches are upstairs and I’m looking at her wheelchair. Does she have anything else that she might have used if she left?”_

_“No, she can’t get around without at least one of them, no more than a couple of hops anyway. Are you sure she’s not there? Did you check the garage?”_

_“The garage! I forgot!”_

Yaz resisted the temptation to say something rude. This was not a normal position to be in.

Ryan pushed the door open to the garage and was reassured to see the Doctor, slumped over the workbench. He rushed in, terrified and put his hands to her neck to feel for a pulse, relief rushing through his body when he felt the twin beats steady under his fingers.

_“Yaz she's alright. She’s in the garage, looks like she fell asleep while she was working again like she used to do in the TARDIS console room.”_

_“Thanks Ryan. Let me know if you need anything.”_ Yaz sagged with relief against the steering wheel.

The Doctor hadn’t moved, and Ryan leaned over her, sniffing her breath suspiciously but it didn’t smell of ginger. He shook her hard. The Doctor woke with a start.

“Ryan what are you doing?”

“What am I doing? What are you doing? I thought you were dead! You haven’t been answering your phone. I had to break a window to get in.”

“Will you stop having a go at me Ryan. I’m just working!”

“That’s fine, just keep your damn phone on.” He left the room in frustration, heading into the living room to tidy up. Aside from the empty bottles the room was a mess, cushions over the floor, random junk the Doctor had been playing with strewn around the place and it smelled as though she had been living in there for days without opening a window.

Ryan tidied methodically. Yaz was house proud and would hate to come home to a mess. It took him a while to return the random collection of Yaz’s belongings to their rightful homes and when he was done, he headed to the kitchen to deal with the glass.

He could hear the Doctor coming up behind him, levering herself along with the help of the kitchen counters but he ignored her.

“I’ll do it” she said in a small voice.

Ryan stood up and handed her the dustpan and brush. “Don’t fall in it. I don’t have Yaz’s first aid skills.”

The Doctor ignored that comment but fished her sonic out of her pocket, fixing the broken shards of glass back into their pane.

Ryan flicked the kettle on instead and fished two mugs out of the cupboard, disposing of the old food while he waited for the kettle to boil. He quickly made two mug of tea and slid one over to where the Doctor was balanced.

Yaz made her way over to the Unit as it was affectionately called by the other officers.

“Yaz! Welcome, congratulations on your first day. Come in, I want to have a quick chat with you about your duties and then we’ll get started.”

Yaz followed her into the office. “First off, for future, keep your uniform here but you don’t need to wear it. Business casual is more appropriate for dealing with our victims. Second, I just wanted to ask how things are for you at home? I’m not prying, just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“We’re okay. She phones me most nights to talk for a few minutes. Just had our friend on the phone. Hadn’t heard from her in a few days and he went round to check on her. She wouldn’t answer the door and he’s had to break my window but she’s fine.”

“Have you seen her?”

“No, not yet. She hasn’t asked me to either.”

“If you need any time, let me know.”

Yaz was touched by her generosity. “Thanks”

“No problem, now lets get to work.” Jennifer strode back into the main room which was small and filled with four desks with computers, a large whiteboard and a box of case files which she immediately started to go through, talking a mile per minute while sticking things to the board.

By the end of her shift Yaz was exhausted. While her new role wouldn’t, in general, be as physically demanding as constantly patrolling the streets it was much more emotionally exhausting. She had spent the day looking after a thirteen-year-old who had found his mother was dead. It reminded her forcibly of Ryan who had come home from school one day to find his mum dead in the kitchen at the same age though his mum had died of natural causes. This boy’s mum had been brutally murdered while he hid upstairs in his wardrobe.

She let herself into the flat, glad her family wasn’t home yet. She hadn’t had such a hard day at work since she had seen the woman who had been burned by her husband. She thought of how that day she had got home, and the Doctor had pulled her into her lap and cradled her close, talking to her and soothing her, making the day better. She longed for that contact again, but it would be cruel of her to go to the Doctor for comfort under the circumstances.

Instead she settled for a long, hot shower with her favourite shower gel. When she was finished, she found a pair of navy lounge trousers spangled with yellow stars and a yellow long-sleeved top. She had bought the set shortly after she met the Doctor. The first time she wore them she and the Doctor had sat up all night talking, drinking mugs of hot chocolate and curled up cosily on the purple sofa in front of the TARDIS library fireplace.

Longing for the comfort Yaz made herself a cup of hot chocolate and took it back into her room where she curled up on her bed with a book but she couldn’t concentrate. The distraught look on the thirteen year olds face as she had dropped him off at a foster home for the foreseeable future was burning into her mind, Sonya stuck her head in a few minutes later, she was ordering pizza and Yaz decided joining her was better than moping and quickly added a garlic bread to the order.

“No Ryan tonight?” asked Yaz half an hour later as the two sisters slouched on the living room floor, pizza boxes spread out between them.

“He’s with your ex. If she wasn’t gay or was still hot I’d be jealous.”

Yaz scowled at her. “Sonya that’s disgusting. Don’t say that about her. And she’s not my ex.”

“Come on Yaz, she’s hardly a portrait these days.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about Sonya. She was hurt, it doesn’t make her any less beautiful. Don’t insult her again. You don’t even know her.”

Yaz was seriously annoyed. She got up from her cosy spot on the floor and went to the kitchen table with her book, pointedly sitting facing away from Sonya.

“I’m sorry Yaz, that was out of line.”

“You’re right, it was out of line.”

“How do you manage to be with her when she’s like that?

“Sonya!”

“I wasn’t trying to be rude and I didn’t just mean her face. You have to do stuff for her all the time.”

“Yeah well I’m here aren’t I?”

“You going back to her?”

“I don’t know Sonya. This isn’t really about me. I still love her and I really miss her but she needs to stop treating me like total shit.”

“Well I’m proud of you for sticking up for yourself. You deserve to be happy.”

“That’s probably one of the nicest things you’ve ever said to me.”

The Doctor drank the tea Ryan had given her slowly, purposely avoiding his gaze. Ryan helped himself to the contents of Yaz’s fridge and made a couple of rounds of cheese sandwiches. 

“I’m not hungry.” She muttered.

“Course you’re not. Bet you’re not tired either which is why you were sleeping in the garage.”

“Ryan all I’m doing is trying to get the TARDIS here and then I can clear off out of everyone’s way. I’ve taken quite enough of everyone’s time.”

“How can you still not get it? I thought you were supposed to be clever, you keep telling us you’re a genius.”

The Doctor scowled at him. “As soon as I can kick my brain back into gear I’ll be gone.”

“That’s not what I meant Doctor. Yaz hasn’t gone because you’re a burden. She’s gone because you’re treating her appallingly. And she hasn’t left you either, she’s taking a break.”

“I don’t know how to fix it Ryan.” She sighed, sagging against the bench.

Ryan put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “I don’t know how you fix it either but you certainly don’t do it by hiding here and not looking after yourself.”

“I’m looking after myself just fine.”

“Really? You don’t look like you’ve showered since I was last here. The place was disgusting. You haven’t eaten or slept. I can tell you’re in pain which means you’re not doing any of those exercise things you’re supposed to do and your hand is curled up again.”

The Doctor self-consciously shoved her hand into her pocket so Ryan couldn’t see it.

“Right this is what you can do right now. Eat your sandwich. Go and have a shower. Then put whatever it is you put on your hand to make your fingers straighten out. Do whatever exercises you need to do so you’re not in pain. I’ll wait here and then you can help me with my project because I’m stuck and I can’t think of anyone who would be better than you.”

“What’s your project?” she asked, her interest finally piqued.

“Uh-uh, I’ll tell you when you’ve looked after yourself.”

“You’re a bully.” She said, a ghost of a smile on her lips as she picked up the sandwich.

The Doctor appeared an hour later, wobbling on two feet and her crutches like a new-born giraffe. Ryan resisted the temptation to point out that it was entirely her own fault, if she would refuse to move for a week her body would revolt. It was still damaged and she couldn’t abuse it anymore and not expect repercussions. She handed Ryan the splint she hadn’t needed for weeks.

“Will you help me?” she asked shyly, holding it out.

Ryan looked at her with trepidation, vividly remembering the last time he had tried to use it. “You might not remember the last time I tried to help you with that, but I do.”

“I remember but I can’t do it myself. Please? Just don’t put it upside down this time. I trust you Ryan.”

He nervously took the splint off her and put it on under her instruction, this time successfully though she didn’t quite manage to curtail a small cry as he stretched out her painful hand.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” Ryan stuttered “Have I done it wrong again?”

The Doctor was cradling her arm against herself and made a conscious effort to let go. “No, it’s fine. The scar tissue is still fragile, and it shrinks which causes my fingers to curl up. Now tell me about your project.”

“Well, I actually got accepted for university a few weeks back…”

“Ryan! That’s amazing! I can’t believe you didn’t say anything!”

“You were busy. Anyway, I’m going to be studying engineering. I’ve been looking into the financing and I’ll get student loans but it’s not enough. Graham has offered to help but I can’t ask that of him and he can’t really afford it. I know he used up a lot of what he had when he was sick. So anyway there’s a competition for incoming freshers and it comes with a cash prize. I could really do with the money. We have to design and build something that can improve people’s everyday lives.”

“So have you come up with any ideas?”

“Yeah I have. Just not sure how to execute it.”

“You going to enlighten me? I can’t help if you don’t tell me about it. Don’t know why you think I can help anyway but I’ll give it a go.”

“Well I was thinking about when we were in Wales and you said you couldn’t run and I was interested so I started looking into the differences between the blade prosthetics that athletes use and the standard sort that you have and I was wondering if there was any way to make a hybrid of the two…” he trailed off at the look on her face. “Sorry I didn’t mean to upset you or offend you.”

“I’m not upset or offended. I’m touched that you would think of me. So tell me about your research.”

Ryan launched eagerly into an explanation of his research, explaining the differences between the spring-loaded blade prosthetics used by athletes and the everyday ones that she wore, showing her his extensive research and plans he had made.

“So what is it you actually want to do Ryan?”

“Am I right in thinking your leg doesn’t have an ankle joint but does have a knee?”

“Yeah. If my amputation was below my knee, I would have an ankle but they’re considered too complicated to have a knee and ankle for a first prosthetic. Makes them tricky to control and balance with.”

“So what I want to do is have some sort of spring that can essentially be turned on and off where your ankle would be so you can use it for extra propulsion when you’re running but you can compress the spring when you don’t need it so it’s still comfortable for everyday wear.”

“That’s a really great idea Ryan. I’m impressed. But have you thought about how you’re going to access all the tools and materials you’re going to need for this? It sounds pretty complex before you’ve even started your degree.”

“I did a lot of research even before you got your leg, the mechanics and robotics in some legs are pretty amazing so I think my background knowledge is pretty good. Plus, my tutors in college are happy to give me access to whatever tools I need. I even spoke to a couple of other departments I might need access to and have a couple of friends willing to help.”

“What do you need from me?”

“I would like to have a really good look at the design of your current leg and make some notes. In a couple of days when you’re less like a baby giraffe again I want to video you walking and running and the art department is willing to make you another socket if you’ll let them. Once I have the components and evidence for my ‘problem’ then we can start on the engineering. I know it’s a lot to ask and if you don’t want to then that’s okay.”

“Ryan stop worrying about offending me. It’s fine. I think I need a break from finding the TARDIS because I’m not getting anywhere. I till don’t know if I’ll be able to help with the mechanics but I’ll try.”

“You’ll do it?”

“Course I will. You want my leg now?”

“Yeah if you don’t mind?”

“Not at all, give me a sec.”

She got up, slightly stronger this time and he heard her make her way upstairs. She reappeared a few minutes later wearing a loose pair of shorts instead of her trousers and clutching a notebook.

Ryan directed her to a bar stool and took out a laptop, opening a fresh document to make his notes in. “Do you know how the suction works to keep your leg on?”

“I have Yaz’s notes from when we went to the prosthetist” she said indicating the notebook. “It probably has better details but essentially takes the air from between the silicone liner, the stump sock, my leg and the socket.”

“May I?” asked Ryan.

The Doctor nodded her consent and Ryan probed gently, taking photos of the valve and Velcro strap. She showed him how she could take it on and off and then left it on the table for Ryan to look at.

“If you don’t need me, I’m going to phone Yaz and say goodnight?”

Ryan didn’t even respond he was already so intrigued by her knee joint.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't wear a prosthetic though I have done my research. I don't know if what Ryan is doing is sensible/plausible/possible but we'll call it creative licence. Maybe it won't work for Ryan, who knows? I certainly don't yet!


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not sure how I feel about this chapter, especially as it's now gone midnight so I may have been a bit loopy while writing and editing it. I apologise for any grammar errors, they are entirely mine!
> 
> Thanks to keswriter for all your support!

Two days later Ryan picked up the Doctor to take her into his college. They were going to video her walking and running on her current leg, make a 3D scan of her current leg and cast the socket for the one Ryan was going to attempt to build. He and the Doctor had already come up with a preliminary design where an ankle could be released or tightened to create a spring similar to the one that was used in early blade desingns that would give more pushback to the wearer. It lengthened the whole prosthetic which was what happened in a traditional running blade but could also be pushed back into place easily for everyday use.

The Doctor was wearing her usual outfit, only a scarf wrapped around her neck against the cold, early December drizzle. She had a pair of borrowed shorts in her pocket that she could wear to the college but even if it had been normal human shorts-wearing weather she didn’t think she would be wearing them, she just wasn’t comfortable showing off her changed body like that.

Some of her past incarnations hadn’t been shy, especially Bowties but even if she wasn’t scarred, she still wasn’t sure she would want to show off her female body. It still felt a bit strange. Curves in weird places and she still wasn’t used to wearing a bra.

She buckled herself in quickly, the smell of the air freshener bringing back a mostly forgotten memory. “Have I been in your car before Ryan?”

“Just the once. Do you remember the night we took you up to the Peak District to look at the stars?”

The Doctor thought for a few moments, scrunching up her face. “Sort of, did we have a picnic and custard creams?”

Ryan laughed at her. “You would remember the custard creams, but yes we did. First time we got you out of the house after you arrived.”

“Why the Peak District? Seems an odd choice, long drive.”

“You were sad, Yaz thought it might help for you to see the stars. We almost didn’t go at all; you had a bit of a tantrum when we produced the wheelchair.”

“Sorry about that.” she murmured uncomfortably.

“Don’t be. It was an emotional time for all of us.” Ryan reassured.

Thankfully, they were pulling up to the college and the Doctor was saved from any more conversation about her ‘tantrum’. Although Yaz had left the blue badge in the house, the Doctor hadn’t thought to lift it so Ryan had no choice but to park at the back of the large car park. He didn’t spend all that much time with her outside of the house and hoped she would manage the large carpark as well as all the walking inside the college, especially as she had no crutches with her. The building was old, large and rambling with long stretches of corridors joining rooms together.

However he was pleasantly surprised that she walked confidently and with a steady stride across the carpark. Not as bouncy as she had once been perhaps but when he thought back to the night in the Peaks District, less than three weeks after she had arrived, it was incredible how far she had come.

As a student of the college, Ryan was able to come and go as he pleased but the college shared its campus with the secondary school the Doctor had to show ID and sign in. Ryan, who was watching over her shoulder, hoped no one would notice the printed label she got said John Smith instead of Jane.

“Where to first?” she asked.

“The gym. My mate Ethan is studying media and has access to the cameras. He’s going to make some video footage of you walking and running if that’s okay?”

“Yeah fine. Can you show me where the ladies is first and I’ll put the shorts on?”

“Don’t worry, there’s changing rooms through there. Just come on through to the gym when you’re ready.”

The Doctor slipped into the changing rooms. There was a group of girls getting ready for a sports match of some sort, athletically built, with long, shiny hair tied back in ponytails. They were giggling and talking to each other until the Doctor walked in when they fell silent, an air of awkwardness coming over the room. The Doctor ignored them, ducking her head so they wouldn’t see the flush in her cheeks. She sat in a corner at the opposite side of the room, taking off her trousers and putting her shorts on as fast as she could so they would have less time to stare.

Rolling her trousers up neatly she hurried out of the changing room to the gym where Ryan was waiting for her.

“Alright?” he asked, checking in.

She flashed him a reassuring smile. “Fine. King of okay me… Queen.”

Ryan rolled his eyes good naturedly and brought her over to the other side of the gym where a young man with a shock of ginger hair was fiddling with some camera equipment.

“This is more intense than I was expecting” she remarked, indicating the track along the floor.

“I wanted to get smooth footage. What I’m going to ask you to do is start at one wall and walk to the other. Ethan will film you in front of you first, then we’ll repeat where he is following behind you and from the side. Then we’ll do the whole thing again when you’re running if that’s alright?”

The Doctor looked at the length of the hall, it was big enough to incorporate a football pitch. Ryan noticed her look.

“Don’t worry, we’re going across the short wall. But we can take breaks if you need to. Ethan has this equipment until lunchtime so take as long as you need.”

The Doctor nodded and made her way over to a small mark that Ethan had made for her on the floor. He gave her the thumbs up to show he was ready and the Doctor walked across the hall, feeling slightly self-conscious. She managed the first three lengths before taking a quick sit down break and then doing the next group.

Ethan didn’t say much, the Doctor suspected he was enjoying the chance to play with some of the camera toys he maybe didn’t get to play with much and Ryan sat on a bench, watching her carefully, already making notes.

“Don’t know if I’ve ever been watched so closely” she remarked.

Ryan laughed and cleared his throat self-consciously. “Sorry Doctor, nearly done” he reassured.

Due to a problem with the camera she had had to go across the hall eight times and she marvelled at how difficult it was to run, something that used to be as natural as breathing. Maybe Ryan’s leg would actually be able to help with that. She certainly wouldn’t be able to outrun a dalek like this.

“You ready for the next bit with the art department Doctor?”

This was the part she was most nervous about. She remembered her experience with Dave, it had been very up close and personal and not at all pleasant and this time there was no Yaz for comfort. She had ended up hitting at him and having a panic attack. She closed her eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath before nodding her consent.

Ryan led her through a maze of corridors to the other side of the building where the art department was hidden in its own wing, pointing out features of the old building on the way. The art rooms were a series of large rooms, each with large, high up windows like the rest of the buildings but with the added features of skylights for extra light. One of them was full of small children on a trip from their primary school, getting messy with glue and copious amounts of glitter. However he moved past the classrooms and into a small room at the end of the corridor. It had wooden benches marked with clay, a large kiln in the corner, various pots around the room and a box containing the supplies for plaster of paris that would be used for the cast.

“Who’s going to do this bit…?” she asked, trying to keep the nerves out of her voice “…Oh Sonya, hi… wasn’t expecting to see you here.”

Sonya gave Ryan a mutinous look, she was clearly here under duress.

Ryan could see her anxiously fiddling with her scarf. “Doctor?”

“It’s fine Ryan.” She fiddled with the valve and strap on her leg, pulled it off and hopping slightly to find her balance. She boosted herself onto the bench and took a deep, steadying breath.

Ryan’s phone beeped. “Oh, I didn’t realise how late it was, it’s my turn on the 3D scanner. Can we come back and do this in a bit Sonya?”

“No, I’ve got plans for lunchtime. I need to get this over with.”

Ryan looked anxious, it would be days before he would get another chance to use the scanner and they were on a tight schedule. The Doctor could see what he wanted but she knew he wouldn’t ask it of her.

“Ryan, go do your scan. I can’t wear it at the moment anyway. Just don’t leave me stranded without it, yeah?”

Ryan looked relieved. “You sure that’s okay?”

“Ryan you’re hovering. Go. Bring it back as soon as you’re done, I can’t go anywhere without it.”

He hugged her and took her leg from where she had propped it up against the bench. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.” He left quickly, kissing Sonya who was looking pleadingly at him, clearly as happy to be left alone with the Doctor as the Doctor was about staying with her.

Sonya pulled out her box of supplies and started mixing the plaster mix. She lifted out a roll of film. “I have to wrap this around your leg first.” She explained, not managing to meet the Doctor’s eye.

The Doctor nodded her consent and Sonya started working. Her touch was featherlight and the Doctor couldn’t decide if she was just uncomfortable because this wasn’t her area of expertise, if it was something to do with Yaz or if she was embarrassed at being so up close and personal with her disability. Possibly a combination of all three, though Sonya had never liked the Doctor much, especially since she had come back and she didn’t approve of her dating Yaz.

The Doctor broke the uncomfortable silence. “Sonya, you’re not going to hurt me, it’s been healed a long time. But if you don’t wrap a little more tightly and smooth out the wrinkles the socket won’t fit.”

She jumped slightly. “Sorry” she mumbled and took the wrap off and started again doing a much better job the second time round. When she was done, she quickly started wrapping the layers of plaster, she seemed to have lost her discomfort and she concentrated on what she was doing, smoothing and shaping the strips of plaster and humming something under her breath. It took her another half hour to finish the cast and twenty minutes after that for it to dry completely. When it was hard she and the Doctor pushed and pulled at it to slip it off without damaging it.

“Wonder what’s taking Ryan so long?” the Doctor wondered out loud. She had fully expected him to be back by this point.

Sonya rolled her eyes. He’s terrible at following instructions. Typical man, probably thought he knew how to work the machine without them. I’ll go and give him a hand.”

“You okay waiting there while I clean up?” she asked awkwardly as if she had just realised that the Doctor was very much stranded now that Ryan had wandered off with her leg. She studiously avoided looking at the Doctor and sticking headphones in to avoid further conversation as she took a pile of equipment back to wherever it belonged to.

The Doctor shifted along the bench a little so she could see the little kids in the classroom next door while she waited for Ryan to come back. They were having a ball and had now moved on to some sort of sculpture. The three adults in the room looked to be having just as much fun as they patiently showed the children how to mould the clay they were using into the shapes they wanted.

A few minutes later a small commotion broke out in the room and the Doctor surmised that one of the children had had an accident as two of the adults led the weeping girl towards a bathroom for clean clothes. It left one young woman with the remaining nine kids and it made the Doctor yearn for her own lost children and grandchildren. Made her wish she had been a better parent.

The Doctor was just fishing out her phone to text Ryan and find out what the hell was taking him so long when there was a muffled bang and the distinct wail of the fire alarm followed almost immediately by screaming coming from the classroom next door that was full of children.

The Doctor instantly went tense and jumped off the bench she was sitting on, ignoring the part of her brain that was cowering in fear and demanding she curl up in a protective ball. She looked around the room desperately for something she could use to help her get out. She spied a wooden broom that looked reasonably sturdy and hopped over to grab it. It would make a wobbly crutch but it was better than nothing.

As quickly as she could she made her way to the classroom, taking in the scene. The teacher was struggling to free one of the children who had become stuck under a bit of ceiling that had come down. The other children were crying and one was bleeding from the leg.

She charged in, instinct taking over. “I’m the Doctor, I’m going to get you out of here. What’s your name?”

The anxious looking teacher quickly introduced herself as Margret.

“Hi Margret, how many kids have you got here?”

“9. One of the others had an accident, it takes two to change them because we aren’t allowed to be alone with a child who’s changing but now it’s just me and nine children. Evie over there is hurt, I think her ankles probably broken and Damien is stuck.” She said quickly, her words spilling out over each other.

“Margret, it’s going to be fine. Let’s concentrate on getting Damien unstuck and then we can all get out of here.”

The Doctor dropped to her knees, helping Margret clear the dust and rubble. They made short work of it and within two minutes Damien was free, a small child with a lot of thick, dark, curly hair that was now full of dust. The Doctor quickly cleared the dust from around his nose and mouth and leaned over him, relieved to hear him breathing and able to feel a pulse.

“Margret you’re going to carry Damien. Evie is going to go on my back she’ll have to hold on by herself though. I’ll go first and the rest of the kids need to make a chain. We’re all going to get out of here alright?”

Margret looked shaken but she wasn’t so far gone that she wasn’t was able to follow instructions. She helped Evie clamber onto the Doctor’s back but the little girl wasn’t able to hold on. The Doctor managed to tie her jacket underneath her legs to hold her in place, conscious of how much time they were wasting. Margret had the rest of the kids lined up and she had the one at the front take her free hand while the other used the broom handle for stability.

“Right gang, we’re all going to be just fine but I need you to hold onto your friends hands okay? Don’t let go. I know it’s scary but we’re all going to stick together and we’re going to get out. Let’s go!”

The Doctor could smell smoke now and she was aware they were running out of time as she tugged their little line forward, leading them down the long art corridor. The children had started coughing and spluttering. Her own respiratory bypass system was severely compromised after all the drugs she had had pumped through her system and she was beginning to cough herself. She found it hard to get around one legged at the best of times but with the weight of Evie on her back, one hand holding the sweaty hand of a sobbing, choking five year old and the unsteady broom handle her only support it was torturous.

The first exit they came to was blocked, debris having fallen in front of it and the classrooms were mostly locked. The Doctor kept going, keeping up reassuring babble as she did while her brain focused on trying to figure out how to get out of the building. She could hear sirens in the distance and vaguely wondered if she should find them somewhere safe to wait until they were rescued or try and get them out.

Her mind was made up when she saw the flames behind them.

“Keep looking at me everyone, hold hands and don’t worry about anything else. Just keep going” she called behind her. “Margret, you okay back there?”

“Yes’ but Doctor, there’s fire behind us!” she shrieked over the noise of the coughing children.

“I know Margret, stay calm, we’re going to get out of here. The kitchen backs onto the art department, I was teasing my friend about it on the way down. I think that’s where the explosion came from and I’m hoping we can loop around it and get out either the main front or back exits and get everyone some medical help.

They were able to keep going down another corridor, notice boards and debris all over the floor but the smoke was starting to get thicker.

She could see the blackness creeping in around the edge of her vision and couldn’t distinguish whether the horrible, rattling breaths were her own or one of the children’s. She pinched herself hard, trying to prod herself back into full consciousness.

“Everyone we need to start crawling now”. She abandoned her broom, getting down on her hands and knees, which ironically was much easier going for her than trying to move with a single crutch. She instructed the kids to hold onto each other’s feet and urged them forward.

The Doctor could hear a commotion in front of them and realised with relief that they were near the main entrance. Her head was spinning with a lack of oxygen and she pushed the children in front of her to where she could see firemen coming through.

She rested for a moment, leaning her back against the reception desk and watching the firemen scoop the children up into their arms. If she could just take a second to catch her breath she would be able to get out. She just needed one moment…

“Ryan! Sonya! Are you okay?” shouted Yaz, running at them, in full uniform and clearly on the job.

“Yaz!” he wrapped her in his arms, shaking. “Yaz, we’re fine, we got out straight away but the Doctor was in the art department, right behind where the explosion was.”

“She’s the Doctor she’ll be fine. She’ll get herself somewhere safe or get herself out.” Yaz said, trying to reassure herself as much as Ryan and Sonya.

“No! Yaz, you don’t understand. I had her leg with me for the 3D scan. She didn’t have crutches or anything with her.”

Yaz felt her heart drop. “You essentially marooned her! What the hell were you thinking?”

She wheeled around, hurrying back towards the building where police were helping the paramedics and fire crew. She could see a number of children wearing paint and glitter splattered aprons being carried out, and then a woman carrying another child. Art department. Yaz ran up to the woman “Were you just in the art department? Was there another woman there?”

The woman wheezed slightly as she answered. “Yeah. The Doctor? She got us out but I don’t know where she went, she was ahead of us but she sent us out in front of her…” she trailed off coughing and spluttering and Yaz wrapped an arm around her, leading her towards a waiting ambulance.

As soon as the woman was being looked after she ran back to the building. Relief tinged with panic flooded through her as she saw the Doctor was being carried out by a large, burly fireman. She was semi-conscious and covered in ash and soot. Yaz sprinted forward, taking the fireman’s place under the Doctors arm, urging her forward and using the chaos to cover the face that she wasn’t taking her for medical treatment.

Ryan had been watching her and as soon as the two women were close he ducked under the barrier and wrapped the Doctor’s other arm around his shoulder. Between them they managed to get the Doctor back to Ryan’s car, Sonya following behind. She was regaining consciousness and Yaz hugged her tightly when they carefully lowered her into the car.

“Ryan, get her out of here before anyone notices. We can’t risk anyone getting near her with a stethoscope. There’s still a full oxygen tank in my bedroom, use the full mask at least until she stops wheezing and don’t let her sleep. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Yaz you know how to do this stuff not me.”

“Ryan, you got this. I wouldn’t be doing any more than that but if I leave I’ll lose my job and there’s a lot of people who need my help. You got this. Go. And call Graham as soon as you get there and reassure him everyone’s okay.”

She hugged the Doctor again and left to help the emergency services, feeling slightly weak at the knees but determined to do her bit to help in what was her first major event as a police officer.

Three hours later and covered in dirt and dust, Yaz exhaustedly pushed open the door to her own home. She hadn’t been back for two and a half weeks, including the disastrous five days in Dubrovnik. Ryan, Sonya and the Doctor were sitting in the living room. The Doctor was leaning forward, propped up with several cushions and still had the oxygen mask on her face but as soon as she saw Yaz she pulled it off and stood up to greet her.

“Yaz! I…”

“Doctor!” Yaz rushed at her and wrapped her tightly in her arms, managing to contain the tears that were threatening to spill down her cheeks. “Are you okay? That teacher told me what you did, getting all those kids out. I’m so proud of you.”

“Yaz I’m fine. Yaz I have to tell you, I’m so sorry. I have been so unfair to you. I love you.”

“I love you too”

“I thought I was going to die in there and all I could think about was how awful I was to you and how I would never get the chance to tell you how sorry I am and how much I love you and that I don’t want to die.” She was crying now, still wrapped in Yaz’s arms. “Please come home Yaz, I can’t do this without you.”

Yaz pulled apart from her so she could study her face. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m with you, always.”

The Doctor leaned back in, kissing her urgently on the lips. “With you always” she replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought! I think we're reaching the end. I know I said I would write a sequel but I think this has definitely become the sequel so let me know if there's anything you think I haven't wrapped up... don't worry I haven't forgotten about the TARDIS though so anything other than that!


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little bit shorter, a conversation Yaz and the Doctor needed to have even if the Doctor doesn't handle it all that well. Next one is pure fluff though! (I think, haven't written it yet!)

Eventually Yaz detached herself from the embrace. “I really need a shower, I stink” she mumbled with a small smile.

“Yeah me too” the Doctor replied, looking down at her soot covered arms.

“You go first, I’ll call mum and dad and let them know I’m okay. Ryan, Sonya, you guys want to stay for dinner?” she wasn’t sure what made her invite them. Maybe she wasn’t quite ready to be alone with the Doctor just yet.

“You sure Yaz? That would be great.” Ryan’s smile was understanding and she suspected he knew how she was feeling. “Would it be okay if we invited Graham? He hasn’t been out for a few days.”

“Course. He okay?” asked Yaz, handing him the menu for the local pizza place.

“Yeah. It were my nan’s sixtieth birthday last week, think he’s missing her.”

Yaz hugged him. “Sorry Ryan, I didn’t realise.”

“It’s fine Yaz, how could you have known? But thanks. Go take your shower.”

Yaz left Ryan and her sister downstairs to text Graham and order the food while she headed upstairs after the Doctor. The bedroom door was closed and Yaz knocked before she walked in, not wanting to potentially surprise her in a state of undress, the swimsuit argument still in her mind. However when she went in, the Doctor was sitting on the floor, knee up and resting her head on it, clearly not having made it to the shower yet. Yaz lowered herself to the floor to sit next to her, unfastening her body armour that she was still wearing. She had been so anxious to get home she hadn’t even paused long enough to take it off.

“You okay?” she asked.

The Doctor turned her head so she was facing Yaz and smiled. “Yeah I’m okay. Really.”

“Pretty scary day.”

“Yeah.”

“You were amazing saving all those kids.”

“I just did what anyone would have done” said the Doctor, shrugging off the praise.

Yaz put her hand on her knee. “No. Not what anyone would have done. But exactly what you’ve always done. You could have got out of there much faster on your own or found somewhere safe. But when the pressure was on you were able to think clearly and get not only yourself but a classroom full of little kids to safety.” Yaz pulled her in close for a hug.

“I still had to be rescued. I couldn’t manage those last few feet.”

Yaz kissed the top of her head. “And that’s why you travel with us.”

The Doctor gently pulled herself from Yaz’s embrace and stood up. Yaz passed her up her crutches from where they had been abandoned sticking out under the bed.

“I don’t suppose you were able to get my leg were you?”

“Fraid not. The 3D scanner was on the 3rd floor above where you were. It’s the worst damaged part of the building, it’ll be a couple of days before the structure is stable enough to get up there. The company dealing with it knows to look out for it.”

“Fantastic” she muttered, instantly irritated. Yaz reached up and squeezed her hand sympathetically.

Out of the shower, both Yaz and the Doctor were dressed in comfy sweats and were sitting together quietly on the bed, enjoying a few minutes of each other’s company. They could hear that Graham had arrived but when the doorbell dinged accompanied by the smell of pizza wafting up the stairs they headed down together, taking their usual seats on the sofa.

Sonya had disappeared, apparently an evening with her boyfriends grandad and sisters girlfriend whom she seemed to actively dislike wasn’t high on her list of things to do. Ryan and Graham had already chosen a film and as soon as the two women sat down and helped themselves to slices of pizza, they pressed play.

“Alien? Really?” asked Yaz, eyebrows raised.

“This film is really offensive you know” remarked the Doctor.

“Sorry Doc.”

“Banned in four galaxies.”

“I’ll turn it off” said Ryan quickly. He picked up the remote and flipped the channel before anyone could comment, ending up with a quiz show.

“You know” commented Graham “it’s nearly Christmas. Do you ladies have any plans?”

“Not really. My family doesn’t really celebrate Christmas, we usually have a family lunch altogether. And we do presents though we don’t go crazy.”

“In that case, Ryan and I were wondering if you would like to join us for Christmas dinner? We didn’t really do Christmas last year so this is our first without Grace. Feels right to celebrate with family.” He looked impossibly sad for a moment and Ryan had gone quiet.

The Doctor reached out and took hold of Graham’s hand briefly giving it a squeeze. “We would be honoured Graham, thank-you”.

Ryan shot Yaz a relieved smile, they had spoken about how they were worried about Graham over the holiday season. Last year, caring for the Doctor at the time had been all encompassing and they had allowed them to pass without a mention. This year would be different.

Yaz helped herself to another slice of veggie pizza, trying not to shudder at the banana slices that the Doctor had decorated her pepperoni pizza with. She didn’t quite manage to shove large slices of pizza into her mouth the way she used to but equally she had learned to eat without losing most of the food out the side of her mouth again in the last year.

_A Year_

Yaz looked at her phone.

“You okay there Yaz?” asked the Doctor, looking at her with concern.

Yaz quickly shoved her phone back in her pocket, plastering a smile on her face. “Yeah, totally fine.”

“Yaz, seriously what’s up? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Asked Ryan.

“It’s just… I was just thinking about how long it has been since we last ordered a pizza and watched a movie together and then I looked at the date and realised it’s been a year to the day…” she let her words sink in with Ryan and Graham. Their faces changed in understanding.

“I’m still confused” said the Doctor.

“We were all sitting here like this with pizza the night you came back Doc. That was the last time we did this. Yaz didn’t want the rubbish to stink out her new house so she took it out and came across you in the garden” Graham answered for her, clearing his throat uncomfortably.

There was an air of awkwardness until Ryan piped up “Grandad spent most of the evening snoring!”

“Hey!” protested Graham.

“You brought me shortbread as a housewarming gift even though I don’t like it just so I would offer me some!” remembered Yaz suddenly.

“I get no respect” muttered Graham “What happened to respecting your elders? Besides you never would have let me have the Doctors custard creams.”

“Can you even complain about your age with the Doctor in the room?” asked Ryan.

“Hey! Are you saying I’m old?” asked the Doctor.

Ryan blushed. “Uhh no. Course not. Would never say that about a lady.” He cleared his throat.

“Don’t worry Graham, you’re still a baby compared to me!” snorted the Doctor, finishing her last bite of pizza and settling in more comfortably beside Yaz.

“Feels a bit like coming full circle. Us sitting here again, _all_ of us I mean.” Remarked Graham.

“You’re not going to get all sappy on us are you Grandad?” whined Ryan, reaching over Graham for the last slice of pepperoni pizza before the Doctor could adorn it with fruit.

And just like that the awkward air was gone, in the way only a family can move on from.

Later that evening after she had successfully taken the rubbish out to the bins without finding any dying Time Lords in her back garden, Yaz was curled up in bed already dressed in the warm, fleecy pyjamas she favoured for lying next to the Doctor. She could hear the other woman in the bathroom, her crutches were clicking softly against the floor repeatedly, and Yaz thought that she was probably pacing up and down in the confined space as best she could. She chose a book that she had been reading before their holiday from the bookcase and settled in to wait for her before turning out the lights.

The Doctor didn’t emerge until Yaz had read three chapters but when she did she was already dressed in cosy looking bright pink pyjamas decorated with rainbows, unicorns and smiley faces. Yaz couldn’t help laughing. “Where the hell did you get those?”

“That night I stayed at your parent’s place when you were in hospital Najia gave me these. Don’t know why you’re laughing so hard she had apparently bought them for you.”

“Sorry” snorted Yaz unable to regain control over herself just yet “but you look ridiculous.”

“I am really offended Yasmin Khan!” said the Doctor, flopping down onto the bed dramatically, her arm hitting Yaz in the stomach.

“Hey” complained Yaz, hitting her back on the shoulder.

The Doctor retaliated by elbowing her in the ribs. “God your elbows are pointy!” groaned Yaz, retaliating in kind.

The Doctor grabbed her wrist laughing. “okay okay, truce?”

“Truce” agreed Yaz, leaning over for a kiss which was eagerly returned. She rolled back onto her side, facing the Doctor, who was still holding her wrist.

“You’re staring at me.” Said Yaz softly, reaching out to tuck a stray strand of hair away from the Doctor’s face. Where her hair had grown it was now almost back to the length it had been though bizarrely, even though it had come back in blonde, the dark roots remained.

“You’re so beautiful, can’t help it.” The Doctor traced her fingers up Yaz’s arms. She stretched forward and kissed Yaz again, pulling her in close and allowing her hands to wander under Yaz’s pyjama top.

Yaz pulled away. “Stop”.

“What’s the matter? I thought you wanted this?”

“I do” Yaz reassured her “But it has to be right for both of us?”

“Who said it’s not right?”

“I’m not saying that love, but I think we need to at least have a conversation first. I hate to bring this up but three weeks ago you ran away rather than talk to me about how you didn’t want anyone to see your body and two days before that you told me you weren’t ready.” She explained gently.

The Doctor sat up, readjusting her pyjamas, looking vaguely embarrassed.

“Tell me what’s on your mind.” Demanded Yaz quietly, sitting up to mirror the other woman’s position.

“It’s just… I don’t want you to leave me” she admitted.

“And what? You think that I’m going to leave you if you can’t have sex with me?”

“It’s an important part of a relationship. If I can’t… service you…” she trailed off.

“Service me? I’m not a car Doctor, I don’t need to be ‘serviced’ as you so eloquently put it.”

“I don’t know. You were really upset about the swim-suit thing. I just spent the last half hour in the bathroom trying to psyche myself up.”

Yaz sighed. The Doctor’s inept social skills made these things harder. “First off, if you need to psyche yourself up then you’re not ready. You’ll know when it’s time because you’ll want to do it. Second of all, you think I was upset because you didn’t want to wear a swimming costume?”

Now the Doctor looked confused. “Weren’t you?”

“No! Doctor I couldn’t care less what you wear. If you had been wearing a feathered snow suit that would have been fine. I was upset because you were lying to me. If you had talked to me about it we could have found something you were comfortable wearing. If this is going to work we have to be able to honest with each other.”

“I’m trying Yaz. I’m not that great at talking about my feelings or my past. I would be talking for your whole lifetime if I were to tell you everything.”

“You don’t have to tell me everything. Everyone’s allowed secrets. Just don’t lie to me.”

“I can do that.” The Doctor agreed. “I don’t know if I can go… all the way with you just yet” she said blushing furiously “but maybe we could do a bit more than a kiss?”

“How would you feel about an old-fashioned make-out session, maybe come cuddling?” asked Yaz, somehow managing to make it sound like the most alluring thing in the world.

“I could get on board with that”

“And I just want to make this really clear just in case it wasn’t already, you’re in control here. We don’t have to do anything you’re not completely comfortable with and if you want to stop, we stop.”

Yaz reached out to the Doctor but let her take the lead, allowing her to gather her in her arms.


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am totally overwhelmed by the response I got to the last chapter. It was amazing, I'm living in total isolation at the moment so they really really help. Thank-you.
> 
> I promised pure fluff, don't think I'm capable of it but this is pretty fluffy!

The next morning Yaz was sitting at her dressing table weaving her hair into a fishtail plait like Sonya had shown her while she was at home and the Doctor was on the bed doing physiotherapy.

“Do you celebrate Christmas?” asked Yaz suddenly.

The Doctor pushed herself into a sitting position to look at her. “I’m not religious if that’s what you’re asking. But I think any holiday that brings families together is good.”

Yaz nodded. “Do you believe in anything?”

The Doctor’s eyes hardened a little. “I couldn’t believe in any God that would allow me to go through what I went through, but I have faith. Faith in the universe, faith in love, faith in hope.”

“That’s really nice.”

“How come you didn’t celebrate Christmas last year?”

Yaz secured the end of her plait with a bobble and turned round to face the Doctor, raising her eyebrows slightly in disbelief but trying to remember specifically, understanding the Doctor’s need to know what happened in her missing weeks. “You weren’t very well.” Yaz admitted slowly. “Martha had done the amputation a few days before but you were in a lot of pain and spent most of the day delirious. You screamed a lot and shouted stuff in a language we couldn’t understand. We spent most of the day trying to keep your temperature down and keep you calm. You weren’t fully unconscious but you weren’t with us either.”

“Oh.” Said the Doctor looking like she regretted asking. She scrunched her face, “What language was I talking in?”

“None of us knew, we thought it sounded like music more than a language. I don’t think I could imitate it if I tried.”

“Did it sound like this?” she asked, closing her eyes and looking like she was concentrating for a moment before making the musical sounds again.

“Yeah that’s the one. We wondered if it was your native language?”

“Yeah it is. It’s High Gallifreyan.”

“How come the TARDIS wasn’t translating for us? We wondered if she was too far away?”

“No, nothing to do with that. She doesn’t translate for you on her own, I have to complete the circuit. I would have had to have been pretty far gone to not be part of it though.” She said, frowning.

Yaz got up and sat next to her, taking her hand. “Don’t worry about it, we got through. You looked like you really had to concentrate on it there.”

“No, I had to concentrate on closing off the translation circuit, otherwise you would have heard twenty-first century English like you always do.”

“Do you consciously have to think about translating?”

“Nah, it’s more natural than that, like breathing. I would if the TARDIS and I hadn’t been together so long. It’s how I know she’s still out there somewhere, we’re still linked telepathically. But now there’s only two people in the entire universe that speak my language.” She sighed, looking away from Yaz.

Yaz laid her head on the Doctor’s shoulder compassionately, trying to think of a way to distract the Doctor from her sadness.

“How about we do some Christmas shopping today? I haven’t done any yet but I’m working most of next week so this might be my only chance.”

“Sounds great. Maybe we could stop for fried egg sandwiches for brunch?” she asked hopefully.

Yaz snorted. “Sure, whatever you want.”

Half an hour later they were ready to go, well wrapped up against the bitterly cold winter weather. Yaz opened the door. Overnight the world looked like it had been sprinkled with glitter as ice sparkled from the roads, pavements and trees. She took one look at it and went straight back inside, swapping her trainers for her snow boots which had much better traction and vaguely wondering how the Doctor’s wheels would manage.

Suitably booted Yaz followed the Doctor out, she had already made it to the bottom of the driveway and was doubled over slightly, hand resting on a tree. Yaz locked the door and followed her down the drive, sticking to the grass rather than the icy slope.

“You okay?” she asked, concerned, putting her hand on her shoulder.

“Fine.” She smiled slightly looking up at Yaz. “My wheels don’t like ice very much, went for a bit of a ride.

Yaz winced in sympathy. That sounded frightening. “We don’t have to go?”

“It’s fine Yaz. You said yourself this is probably your last chance to shop.”

“There’s always Amazon.”

“True but you also said we could have fried egg sandwiches and we have neither bread nor eggs which makes that a little difficult if we only shop online.”

“Did you eat and shop at all when I was with mum and dad?”

“Ryan made me eat. But he used all the eggs and bread and I didn’t shop.”

Yaz rolled her eyes. “Course he did. So we’re going to Tesco’s on the way home or there’s no dinner I assume?”

“Yeah, ‘fraid so.” The Doctor confirmed slightly sheepishly.

Thankfully, despite how close it was to Christmas, the town was fairly quiet as the shops had only just opened.

“So do you know what you’re looking for?” the Doctor asked as they made their way into the blessed warmth of the shopping centre, their cheeks and noses pink from cold.

“Not really. Sonya loves Lush so I’ll get her something from there. Ryan mentioned a game he’s been waiting to go on sale. Thought I would get Graham a hamper of his favourites. Mum and Nani like Marks and Spencers so I’ll look in there for her and I’ll go to Lakeland for dad. But nothing is set in stone.”

“Okay so where do we go for that?”

“Well Lush is right over there so let’s go there first.”

“Sounds great… what is Lush exactly?”

“It’s a shop that sells fun soaps and body stuff made out of natural products. Just to warn you the smell can be a little… overwhelming.”

Yaz led the way over to the shop which she could smell before she saw it. The Doctor coughed slightly at the scent. “Wow” she muttered “I see what you mean. Never smelled, or seen, anything quite like it.”

As soon as they entered the shop they were immediately greeted by the over-enthusiastic shop assistant. “Hi! I’m Hollie, welcome to Lush. Are you looking for anything in particular today?” She was tiny, with a short, dark pixiesh hair cut.

Unfortunately the Doctor made the fatal mistake of saying that it was her first visit so she was just browsing. Hollie instantly whisked her off to show her their range of body lotions and moisturisers. After observing for a moment to make sure she wasn’t getting too overwhelmed by Hollie’s eager attitude Yaz left them to it and browsed the gift box selections. Eventually selection one with a range of lotions and potions that claimed to do all sorts of things but Yaz recognised their names from seeing them around her parents flat and knew her sister used them. On her way to the till, she had to walk past the display of bath bombs. She hadn’t personally used her own bath since the night she’d had to peel the Doctor’s coat away from her, which was a shame because it was a large bath. Maybe she could buy a bath bomb and she and the Doctor could make some more… pleasant memories in it. She wandered around it for a moment before choosing three she liked and thought the Doctor would like too. Paying for her purchases and subtly tucking the paper bag of bath bombs into her handbag Yaz went to rescue a slightly bemused Doctor from Hollie’s clutches.

“Is that going to happen in every shop?” asked the Doctor scrunching her brow.

“Nah. Being greeted at the door is more of an American thing but Lush is an American company I think. More likely you’ll need help and won’t be able to find anyone… wait have you been shopping before?”

“Of course I have!” the Doctor replied defensively.

“In a shopping centre? Similar to this? On Earth?”

“Uhhh no. This is a new one on me.” She said slowly. “But I like doing new things” she added brightly while Yaz shook her head incredulously.

Next they went to Lakeland where Yaz bought her dad a kit to make his own cheese which she knew he would love and would drive her mum mad. The Doctor called her over to look at a navy apron with solid capital letters proclaiming ‘World’s Worst Cook’ across the chest.

“Do you think your dad would be offended if I bought him this?” she asked.

“Nope. He knows he’s a terrible cook and we love him for it. You don’t have to get him anything though.”

“I want to. Your family have been very welcoming to me this year.”

“With the exception of Sonya.”

“Well I’ll just have to make sure to get her something either extra good or absolutely ridiculous.”

“So no pressure then.”

Their next stop was the electronics shop for Ryan and the Doctor got Graham a couple of records to go with the record player Ryan had mentioned he had already bought him.

As they wandered though the centre the Doctor’s eye was caught by a large, shiny grand piano in the middle of the main atrium.

“Is it normal to have pianos in the middle of the shops?” she asked.

“Not usually but there’s some initiative at the moment about rescuing old pianos that would have been thrown out, doing them up and putting them in public spaces like shopping centres, town squares and train stations for people to play.”

“That’s really nice. Do you know nearly every culture in the universe has music in some form?”

“I didn’t. Do you play?”

“I used to.” She looked at her damaged left hand. “I don’t think my hand would manage anymore. Or my brain for that matter” she admitted, looking impossibly sad and wheeling herself away quickly, leaving Yaz to catch her up. She gave the Doctor a moment to collect herself, it wasn’t as if the other woman needed to be reminded of anything else she had lost, before hurrying after her and distracting her with the suggestion of heading off to find brunch.

Not wanting to head back out into the icy weather unless they had to, Yaz showed the Doctor to the food-court. It was already packed when they arrived: stressed out parents with cranky kids seeking out an early lunch; middle aged women and elderly couples drinking coffee and eating pastries and groups of teenagers eager to indulge in as much junk food as possible before their presence was required at home.

Yaz went over to the coffee stand where she got herself an extra-large mocha and filled croissant. She sat at the pre-arranged table waiting for the Doctor who appeared a few minutes later, tray balanced slightly precariously on her lap with a teapot, fried egg sandwich and a cupcake that appeared to be more tooth-rotting, radioactively coloured icing than cake.

They had managed to get a table under the window, which proved to be a great spot to people watch the residents of Sheffield slip and slide up and down it’s icy streets.

Having finished her sandwich the Doctor excitedly bit into her cupcake, leaving behind an impressive smear of blue icing across her upper lip that Yaz couldn’t help but giggle at.

“You’ve got a bit of moustache going on there love.” She explained, handing her a napkin and indicating where she needed to wipe.

The Doctor dabbed at her mouth. “Gone?”

“Almost” whispered Yaz, leaning over and kissing away the last crumb, making the Doctor blush at the unexpected public display of affection.

“I haven’t had a moustache for ages. I should grow one!”

Yaz nearly choked on her coffee. “Maybe you can as a Time Lord but in general women can’t grow facial hair.”

“Oh yeah. Forgot about that part.”

“So if you’re on face fourteen and this is your first time being a woman, have you had a moustache before? Full beard?” asked Yaz curiously.

The Doctor thought for a moment before answering slowly. “Just the once, five faces ago. I was him for far too long.” She admitted quietly.

“What happened?”

The Doctor raised her head to look at Yaz. “I will tell you, but not here, when we get home. It’s a… it’s a long story.”

Yaz took her hand gently. “You don’t have to tell if you don’t want to.”

“I know. But you should know about this.”

When the two women had finished their brunch, they set off back into the main body of the shopping centre to get their last few presents. 

They had fun choosing food to make up a hamper for Graham in the food hall of Marks and Spencers where they knew they were spending a little more than he normally would on himself. Yaz selected a scarf and box of chocolates for her Nani and a new handbag for her mum while the Doctor bought a purse for Najia that matched the bag and was directed to a gift set of Umbreen’s favourite hand cream and body wash.

Happy with their selection, they paid for their purchases and left the shop, before heading to Tesco to buy some dinner. The Doctor could be very irritating in a large supermarket, she had the attention span of a five year old on a good day, but she was on her best behaviour as Yaz picked up a small selection of groceries for their dinner and wrapping paper for their gifts. She also grabbed a couple of boxes of chocolates and bottles of wine to hand out at work so she wasn’t caught short in the gift giving and receiving that was likely to go on, she wasn’t sure of the protocol now she worked in a small department rather than the general force. The Doctor had finally settled on a slightly ridiculous stuffed owl with huge eyes for Sonya along with a selection of retro sweets that Yaz assured her Sonya would like as they were what she had grown up eating.

Their next stop was the baking aisle as Yaz had promised to bring dessert to both houses that they were visiting on Christmas Day. The basket that was balanced on the Doctor’s lap was slowly getting heavier and heavier as Yaz added bags of flour and tried to work out what on earth the difference was between caster sugar and cane sugar and if in the end it really mattered.

“Yaz! Hi!” Yaz was startled from her contemplation by someone calling her name. She wheeled around quickly to find Jennifer standing behind her with a full trolley.

“Jennifer! Hi!” said Yaz, slightly flustered at meeting her new boss out of work. “This is the do… my partner Jane, I don’t think you’ve met?”

Jennifer shook the Doctor’s hand, introducing herself before engaging the two women in conversation. Yaz instantly noticed that, unlike the majority of people, Jennifer wasn’t the least bit fazed by the Doctor and despite their difference in heights was able to include her in the conversation naturally. Most people got flustered by her appearance, even more so when she was in her chair and more obviously disabled and they used the height difference to avoid making any eye contact.

Yaz realised that she had zoned out for a moment. “…come round for dinner one evening, maybe Thursday?” asked Jennifer.

Yaz mentally shook herself to catch up. “That sounds great, but my boss can be a bit of a tyrant, not sure she’ll let me out on time!” she joked.

Jennifer laughed and reassured her that she would have words with the boss and left them to their shopping. It was only after they paid that the two women realised just how much shopping they had ended up with and they now had to get back. At least most of the ice had melted in the weak, afternoon sunlight so that was one less thing to contend with. They ended up having to load most of the food shopping back onto the Doctor’s lap, essentially using her as a shopping trolley, while Yaz pushed her home, not something she had done for months. It was nice that she was pushing her because they both got stupidly carried away and forgot they hadn’t brought the car rather than because the Doctor wasn’t well enough to manage on her own.

When they got in the Doctor busied herself putting away the shopping while Yaz started, cooking. She passed the Doctor a knife to prep vegetables under supervision – despite living on Earth for a year now the woman still couldn’t be trusted to cook anything on her own. With the prep done, Yaz took over stir-frying the vegetables with noodles leaving the Doctor to sort out drinks and the table.

“Your boss seems nice.” Commented the Doctor as they both sat at the table with steaming bowl of food in front of them.

“She is, very supportive and always there to talk over a cuppa if one of us have had a hard day, the crimes we deal with are… harrowing. She’s so good with the victims we support too. I think she probably has personal experience of some sort though she’s never mentioned it.”

“Does she invite everyone for dinner?”

“Don’t know, I’ve only started working with her. Are you okay going? You don’t have to if you don’t want to. She would understand and wouldn’t be offended.”

“What have you told her?” the Doctor’s tone wasn’t accusatory, but it was guarded.

“Same as we told mum and dad. Don’t forget why I got offered the job, I had to tell her something.”

“Yaz we live together, you’re allowed to talk about me. You don’t need to look so guilty. Besides I said I would do your training session with you, if you still want me to, that will kind of bare everything won’t it?”

“I suppose. That’s booked in for early in the new year. I’ll have to start thinking about it. I hate talking in front of groups of people.”

“You’ll be great. We can practice loads if you want to. I can’t imagine you getting stage fright.”

“I was an angel in my class’ nativity when I was four and wet myself on stage in front of everyone, goes through my head every time I have to speak in public” Yaz admitted, blushing.

“Aww Yaz!”

“Surprised Ryan hasn’t already told you that one” she mumbled.

“What was he?

“What do you think? The donkey of course!”

Later, after the Doctor had done the washing up and Yaz had tidied the kitchen, Yaz went to her handbag to find the paper bag she had bought from Lush.

“I bought us a present from Lush earlier” she explained, handing the Doctor the bag.

The Doctor opened the bag with trepidation, looking confused at the contents of the bag. “What is it?”

“It’s a bath bomb. I thought, if you want to, we could try it out together maybe?”

“This isn’t going to explode is it?” she asked, suddenly sounding worried.

Yaz laughed. “No, it won’t. I don’t really know what they’re made of actually but you stick them in the bath and they go all fizzy and make the water smell really good and your skin go soft.”

The Doctor stuck her hand in the bag, bobbing up and down with excitement when her fingers brought out a rocket shaped one which she instantly stuck in her mouth.

“Eew Doctor! You’re not supposed to eat them!” exclaimed Yaz, thoroughly grossed out.

“Sodium bicarb, citric acid, lemon, bergamot, cream of tartar, titanium dioxide, cornflour, glycerine”

“What?” asked Yaz, now just confused.

“You said you didn’t know what it was made of. Now you do. Or at least those are the main ingredients, theres…” she paused for a moment, rolling her tongue across her teeth while she thought “twenty-nine ingredients altogether.”

“You are such a geek” Yaz said affectionately, moving in close to kiss her neck. “So, about that bath, what do you think? It’s totally up to you and I won’t be mad or upset or disappointed if you don’t want to?”

The Doctor closed her mouth, clearly thinking about it but not visibly upset. “I honestly don’t know. I like the idea of it, but I’m not sure about actually putting it into practice.” She finally admitted.

“So what would you like to do?”

“Let’s try, but I might change my mind.”

Yaz touched her arm reassuringly. “You can always change your mind. Any time.” She reminded her.

Yaz let the Doctor lead her up the stairs and they ran the bath together. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes at the Doctor’s over excited reaction to the admittedly impressive bath bomb.

“How do you want to do this?”

Can you… can you get in first? I need you to be behind me so I can get out.”

Yaz stripped off, slowly, carefully, aware that this was the first time the Doctor had seen her naked in a very long time. They had put so much bubble bath in with the bath bomb that once she was in the bath there was nothing left to see.

Once Yaz was fully covered in bubbles, the Doctor slowly, hesitantly stripped off too.

“You okay with this?” Yaz asked, checking in.

“I am” she confirmed. “But I need… I need you to talk to me to remind me that it’s you. Talk about anything.”

Yaz smiled, holding out her hand for the Doctor to take and keep her balance launching into a story about the time she had run a bath by herself for the first time and ended up flooding the bathroom and had ended up with bubbles over her head.

The Doctor took Yaz’s hand, getting into the bath and lowering herself into the water gradually. She was breathing heavily but slowly managed to relax herself so she was leaning against Yaz. She found Yaz’s other hand under the bubbles and wrapped it around her stomach, relaxing further as Yaz kissed her ear.

“Still doing okay?”

The Doctor twisted her head so she could look Yaz in the eye, smiling. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is a real lush bath bomb and those are the real ingredients!


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More fluff!

Yaz’s head was still reeling as she drove to the college the next morning to collect the Doctor’s prosthetic leg which had been rescued by the renovation workers. When they had got out of the bath they had got into bed together and with the lights out, the Doctor wrapped safely in Yaz’s arms, she had told Yaz about the Time War, the decisions she had made and their consequences.

She had talked for a long time and Yaz hadn’t interrupted, just held her. Quite honestly, she wasn’t sure how the Doctor was still functioning at all. Before all of their current situation she had, on the surface at least, been happy, bubbly, smiley. Sure there had been signs that she was hiding something painful, but everyone has secrets they don’t want to talk about after all but this… it was something else. Added on top of that was everything she had been through in the last few years it was nothing short of a miracle that she wasn’t drooling in some sort of space mental health facility, completely knocked out on heavy duty drugs.

Yaz drove on autopilot. She didn’t even realise she had arrived and parked at the college until the Doctor gently put a hand on her knee.

“Yaz, are you okay?” she asked, her brow creasing.

Yaz met her gaze. “I’m fine. Still thinking about everything you told me last night. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you told me, just a lot to process.”

“Should I not have told you?” the Doctor asked, suddenly worried.

“No you definitely should have. I feel like I know you a lot better now. Thank-you for trusting me.” She leaned her head on the Doctor’s shoulder affectionately for a moment.

Sitting up straight and taking off her seatbelt she said “Right, wait here. You’re not supposed to be here. Actually neither am I but I’m in uniform so I’ll get away with it.” She got out of the car and headed to the temporary office that had already been erected outside the college which was now covered in scaffolding. Apparently they wanted the college ready to open on the first day of term in January as normal and were pulling out all the stops to get it ready.

After a brief argument with the contractor in charge who was reluctant to hand over the Doctor’s leg to someone who clearly didn’t need it, despite Yaz’s police uniform, Yaz was back in the car, the Doctor examining her leg carefully to check for any damage. Thankfully it seemed to be unhurt.

“You still going to Ryan and Graham’s today?”

“Yeah, helping Ryan with his presentation. He’s worried he won’t get it done because of the college but he’s still going to do the theory and presentation.” The Doctor lied. She actually had plans with Graham she didn’t want Yaz to know about yet.

Yaz dropped her off at the door and headed straight for work. She was already running late. Jennifer was great and knew where she was but Yaz didn’t want to take advantage. Plus, she had a fearsome reputation as a boss, even if Yaz hadn’t seen that side of her yet. 

The Doctor knocked on the door and was let in by Graham.

“Morning Doc, you alright?” he asked, standing back to let her in.

“Morning Graham, thanks for helping me with this.”

“No problem cockle, you’re early. I’m just making some bacon sandwiches; do you want one?”

“That actually sounds amazing.” She said, her mouth watering at the prospect. “Just give a second to sort this out?” she gestured to the leg which was wedged under her arm.

“Sure, take your time.” He replied easily. He watched her go sadly but knew better than to offer help. He only had one bathroom upstairs and she needed to take her trousers off to put her leg on. She had leaned forward and put her leg as high up the stairs as she could, about halfway up the flight, as Graham’s staircase was narrow and enclosed and she was slowly and awkwardly manoeuvring her way up, stopping half way to pick up her leg and put it at the top of the stairs. Graham hated watching her struggle. He had spent a lot of time with her when she in her early recovery when she was making improvements and had the capacity to be ‘better’. But now she was as healed as she was going to get but she wasn’t ‘better’, and it broke his heart and made him feel guilty. There should have been more he could have done. If he had been able to get in contact with Martha sooner maybe she would still have two legs. Maybe if he had been able to persuade Martha to stay she would have been able to do more for the Doctor’s scars. Graham shook his head and walked slowly back to the kitchen to make the promised sandwiches, it was the very least he could do.

Two hours later the Doctor was getting impatient. They had eaten breakfast but then Graham had had jobs he wanted to do and wouldn’t let her help even though she would have been much faster! He had refused to listen to her claims that she had won the speed vacuuming contest at the domestic Olympics six years in a row. Now he was fussing around with tea. She loved tea but seriously! She had big plans for Yaz’s Christmas gift and she needed someone else’s opinion. Graham had experience with these things if only he wasn’t so slow! Finally after the most torturous cup of tea in her life, made even more difficult by a lack of custard creams, Graham was ready to leave.

“Doctor you here?” called Yaz having just got through the door from work and sticking her jacket on the end of the bannister.

“Garage.” She called back. Yaz could already tell she was distracted.

Yaz made her way through, taking a moment to watch what the Doctor was doing. She was standing, leaning over the workbench, a magnifying light that Yaz recognised from Graham and Ryan’s house in front of her as she used an impossibly small screwdriver. Yaz loved watching her work, she was wearing her glasses which always made her look adorably nerdy and watching her elegant hands at work was always captivating.

The Doctor was concentrating so hard on whatever it was she was doing she didn’t even notice Yaz wander in and sit down in her wheelchair which was resting in the corner. Used to the Doctor getting impossibly distracted when she was working Yaz wasn’t offended and pulled her phone out to play solitaire. The Doctor would acknowledge her properly when she was finished whatever it was she was doing. And she would be completely useless until she had done it.

Five games of solitaire later the Doctor put down her wiring and took of her glasses, rubbing her hand across her face and catching sight of Yaz.

“Where did you come from?” she asked, her voice surprised.

“Work about twenty minutes ago... You told me you were out here.” Yaz explained.

“Did I? Sorry, I was working.”

Yaz stood up and kissed her. “Don’t worry about it, I love watching you work. As long as all of my appliances still do what they’re supposed to?”

“Promise.”

“So now that I have your attention, I was wondering if you fancied going out tonight? Get something to eat, maybe a drink, look at the pretty Christmas lights?” She was still subtly trying to get the Doctor to socialise more and help her be more comfortable in public spaces and most of the time it was working.

The Doctor thought for a moment, weighing up what Yaz was asking of her before answering her with a smile. “Sounds nice, do you have anything in mind?”

“Not really, how about we just walk through the town and see what catches our eye?”

“You speak my language Yasmin Khan.”

A short while later the Doctor and Yaz were strolling through the town centre hand in hand. It was still busy as the shops were open late in the run up to Christmas. The Christmas lights criss-crossed between the shops creating a canopy effect and giving the town an almost romantic air.

A particularly tantalising scent caught both their noses at the same time. Without needing to discuss it they both veered off the main high street and into the tiny Mexican themed restaurant. The place had a comfortable, cosy atmosphere with lots of warm wood and bright colours and music playing quietly. The restaurant was busy though not packed and they were shown to a small booth as soon as they arrived. They quickly placed orders for drinks and food.

“Doctor, are you sure you want to order that?” asked Yaz as the waitress left.

“Why? You said you were thinking of ordering it before you went for your fish thing.”

“Yeah I did but I can handle my spice. I was raised by my dad whose way of making bad food taste better was to add more and more spice until that’s all you can taste.”

“I’m thousands of years old Yaz, I’m sure I can handle a little spice. Besides I’ve eaten your dad’s food, it was a little hot but nothing I couldn’t handle.”

“Okay whatever you say” she said, neglecting to mention that Yaz always made her dad cook the Doctor’s food in a separate pot where she could control the heat.

Their food arrived quickly and they both tucked in eagerly But Yaz noticed that the Doctor gave a small cough and her cheeks had flushed pink.

“Alright there?” Yaz asked, trying to control her smirk.

“Oh my god that’s hot!”

“I’m really resisting the urge to say I told you so!”

The Doctor was managing to simultaneously fan her mouth and down her glass of water at the same time.

“Water won’t help” Yaz explained sympathetically, signalling the waitress and asking for a milkshake. Seeing the Doctor’s predicament, she came back quickly with a huge milkshake and a large metal tumbler containing what hadn’t fitted into the glass. The Doctor grabbed it and drank greedily, barely managing a thanks to the waitress who was smiling like she’d seen it all before and shooting Yaz dirty looks as she laughed.

“That’s better” the Doctor managed to gasp a few minutes later.

“Do you want to swap meals?”

“No it’s fine. I can do this.” She said determinedly.

Yaz watched her take one more small, cautious bite and once again grab her milkshake before picking up her plate and handing it to the Doctor who accepted it reluctantly and handed over her own meal. She watched as Yaz took a bite, chewing calmly and smiling cheekily. “Delicious!” she proclaimed.

On the verge of major bloating both women declined dessert and decided a walk through the town to walk off some of their huge meals might be better. They walked slowly, admiring the pretty Christmas displays. The evening was growing colder, ice beginning to form on the pavements and Yaz and the Doctor adjusted how they were holding hands, so the Doctor was better braced against it.

“Oooh ice-skating, lets go watch!” shouted the Doctor suddenly, dragging Yaz along with her. They sat on the wooden spectator benches, the Doctor put her head on Yaz’s shoulder and Yaz rested hers on top of the Doctor’s. Every year in the town square they built a temporary outdoor ice-rink which was opened to the public. It always attracted a mix of people that were either really good or really terrible. There was as much falling over as there was skating. During the day it would be packed with kids but now it was mostly filled with couples.

“Do you want to have a go?” asked Yaz suddenly.

“Yaz I can’t do that. Not anymore anyway.”

“Course you can. I happen to be fantastically mediocre at ice-skating, I’ll help you.”

“Isn’t having two real knees and feet kind of a requirement? I don’t even know if I could get my foot into one of those boots.”

“We could try. Would give me a great excuse to hold you close…”

The Doctor looked at the skaters again. They did look like they were having fun, even the ones who were spending more time on their backsides than their feet. She took Yaz’s hand and stood. “Okay I’ll try.”

They wandered over to the booth where the skate rental was going on and hired two pairs of skates.

“Have you ever skated before?” Yaz asked.

“Not with this body but yes. I was pretty terrible.” She admitted, wrinkling her nose.

“I had a couple of lessons as a kid. I could do the basic skating stuff but I was useless at the tricks they wanted me to.

The Doctor put her boot on her real foot and Yaz helped her wrestle it onto her prosthetic one. When they were on she left her to tie her own laces while Yaz put on her own boots. Suitably shod, Yaz took both of the Doctor’s hands and walked her out to the ice.

“This is a terrible idea.” The Doctor grumbled as she stood on the brink of the rink. “I only just started walking on my own and now I’m probably going to break my other leg.”

“You’re not going to break your leg. Or anything else for that matter. I got you.”

Yaz took one lap quickly to get her bearings and came back to collect the Doctor who hadn’t moved.

“Hold onto the side with one hand and take my hand with the other” she instructed.

The Doctor held her hand in a vice like grip as she took tentative, baby steps onto the slippery surface, instantly feeling her centre of balance shift all over the place and not quite managing to muffle a small squeak.

Yaz let her concentrate on staying upright as they inched around the perimeter.

“You doing alright?”

“This is horrendous!” the Doctor exclaimed but not managing to contain the huge grin on her face.

“Feeling brave?” Yaz asked, waiting for the Doctor to agree before skating in front of her, taking both of her hands and pulling her into the middle of the rink.

As they skated the Doctor became more confident, figuring out how to both stay on her feet and make her prosthetic work for her as she moved. By the time they had been skating for three quarters of an hour they were only holding one hand instead of two and were managing to skate together in a more relaxed way and talk to each other. They both took a couple of minor spills but they were back on their feet quickly laughing each time.

By the time they got home both women were freezing. Yaz went straight upstairs to turn the electric blanket on on the bed while the Doctor made the hot chocolate. Yaz set up her laptop so they could watch a film together. Within a few minutes of getting home they were both cuddled up together under the duvet with their drinks and the film balanced precariously between them.

“Hey Yaz?”

“Yeah?” she answered sleepily.

“I had a really good time tonight.”

Yaz smiled at her. “Me too. We should do it more often.”

“We should. And thanks for helping me skate. I didn’t think I would be able to do that again.”

“You can do anything you want to. I’ll always help you; you shouldn’t have to give up anything.”

“Hey Yaz?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.” She leaned over and kissed her lightly.

“I love you too.”


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know I said there would be more fluff in this chapter but it didn't quite work out that way. What happens was always going to happen, I just didn't quite expect to take more than 5000 words to write about so we'll have to save the fluff for the next chapter. It has a sort of fluffy ending though.
> 
> The Doctor has a lousy night and she talks a little about what she went through (only two paragraphs) just so you're aware if that upsets you.

Yaz woke suddenly. The Doctor was screaming and twisting viciously in the grips of a horrific nightmare. She hadn’t had one at all for weeks and Yaz wasn’t sure she had ever had one as bad as this seemed to be already.

“Doctor wake up” Yaz called softly, shaking her lightly.

But the Doctor kept screaming, fighting Yaz off.

Yaz got out of bed and hurried round to the Doctor’s side. “Doctor it’s Yaz. You’re dreaming. You’re in bed, you’re safe. Wake up.” She said loudly but didn’t touch her again. The Doctor had accidentally hit her in her sleep more than once when she was in a panic.

Her eyes were closed but Yaz wasn’t convinced she was sleeping. The Doctor continued to thrash but now the screams were now punctuated with shouting in what Yaz now knew to be High Gallifreyan. But she also knew that meant the Doctor was either deliberately choosing not to translate whatever was going on in her head or she was so far gone into her nightmare that she couldn’t complete the translation circuit from the TARDIS. She suspected the latter.

“Doctor, it’s Yaz. I promise you’re safe. You’re in our bed in our house. No one is going to hurt you.”

The Doctor screamed again and then rolled over, vomiting violently. Yaz grabbed the bin from the corner, shoving it under her head in an attempt to save the carpet. She retched again and again until her stomach was empty.

“You’re okay. You’re safe.” Yaz soothed, crouching in front of her, keeping herself in the Doctor’s eyeline. Her eye was glassy and unfocused and Yaz could tell she wasn’t quite back with her yet.

The Doctor pushed herself up into something resembling a sitting position, her entire body was trembling. Yaz grabbed the bin and shoved it into the bathroom, closing the door on the smell. That could wait, the Doctor needed her now.

Yaz walked slowly back into the bedroom, still speaking quiet reassurances and narrating her actions, putting herself in the Doctor’s eyeline as soon as she could. It was a while since she had had to treat her like this, like a caged, wounded animal whose fight or flight instinct was so heightened it was a danger to both itself and anyone around it.

“Doctor I’m going to sit down on the end of the bed now. I won’t touch you. I promise.”

Yaz carefully perched on the end of the bed, opposite the Doctor, in the space where her leg should have been and crossed her legs. The Doctor was still shaking, hunched over, elbows braced against her thighs and gasping for breath slightly though Yaz could hear a tell-tale wheeze in her chest as well that probably meant she had stopped breathing while she was dreaming or whatever that had been and her damaged respiratory bypass system had been forced to kick in.

“Doctor, you’re safe. You’re in your own bed and it’s just you and me here. Nothing can hurt you I promise. Can you look at me?” Yaz asked gently.

She gave the Doctor a moment but she didn’t move but she seemed to be sagging more and more and the panic was growing on her face.

“Doctor I want you to breathe with me. In for five, hold for five and out for five.”

Yaz started to breathe in an exaggerated fashion, encouraging the Doctor to join her.

“Well done, you’re doing really well.” Yaz murmured encouragingly as the Doctor slowly began to get her breathing back under control. As her lips and fingers lost their blue tinge and some colour returned to her cheeks she managed to push herself into a straighter sitting position.

“What do you need?”

The Doctor seemed to have resorted to her default silence as she did when she was overwhelmed but she held out her hand for Yaz to take. When Yaz took it, the Doctor tugged her in close, looking at her pleadingly.

“Do you need to be held?” Yaz asked, knowing if she assumed and got it wrong it would provoke a second panic attack at a minimum but could also lead to one of them getting hurt. She had had to put her police training to use once and restrain her and while the Doctor had been too far gone to remember it, Yaz did, and she never wanted to repeat the experience.

The Doctor nodded and Yaz moved in beside her, pulling her in close and wrapping her arms around her girlfriend tightly, allowing the Doctor to slump against her. The trembling was replaced with shuddering and Yaz could feel a wet patch growing on her pyjama top as the Doctor cried. She lightly stroked the other woman’s hair and rocked them both gently, talking soothingly until the Doctor stopped crying. Neither of them moved.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Yaz invited.

The Doctor shook her head, not moving it from where it rested against Yaz’s chest. Yaz could feel that she was still shaking lightly.

“It was just a dream.” Yaz reassured softly.

The Doctor shook her head again.

“It wasn’t just a dream?”

“No.” her voice was hoarse, rough. Small. “It really happened. It was like I was there all over again.”

Yaz sighed softly. “The ship or the planet?” she asked.

“The ship. It was when they first had me. They had a shape shifter on board, took your form. I thought they had you too. They were holding a gun to your head and you were crying, begging me to do what they wanted. They made me take my clothes off and they put a shock collar round my neck. Ten thousand volts every time I did something they didn’t like.”

She paused, her fingers unconsciously rubbing her neck. “They strapped me to the floor, but the restraints were too far apart and my shoulders dislocated. They drugged me and projected all this stuff in my head. They were torturing you and I couldn’t do anything. You were screaming and begging me to save you. I couldn’t even tell fiction from reality…” Her tone switched to one of desperation. “Oh God, I’m going to be sick again.”

“Okay up we go.” Said Yaz urgently, dragging the Doctor up with her and manhandling her into the bathroom. They didn’t quite make it and the Doctor ended up with her pyjamas covered in bile and Yaz held her while brought up more into the toilet.

When the Doctor was finally finished Yaz nipped down to the kitchen, got her a glass of luke-warm water so as not to jar her stomach and hurried back upstairs. While the Doctor brushed her teeth and slowly sipped the water Yaz sorted out the bin the Doctor had been sick in the first time, flushing the contents, rinsing it out in the shower and leaving it there to drip dry.

Yaz helped her rinse the ends of her hair to get the vomit out and into clean, dry pyjamas. She had gone back to silence and shaking.

“Come on, let’s go back to bed.” Yaz smoothed the Doctor’s damp hair away from her face and kissed her gently before helping her back to bed. The Doctor instantly curled up in the foetal position and Yaz pulled her in close, wrapping them both tightly in the duvet.

Less than two hours later, when the alarm blared shrilly Yaz was still awake. The Doctor hadn’t moved but Yaz knew she was awake too.

“I’m going to go have a shower, okay?” Yaz asked softly. She felt the Doctor nod against her chest and she re-tucked the duvet round her tightly before heading into the bathroom. She shut the door, turned on the shower so the Doctor wouldn’t be able to hear her and dialled her boss.

“Hello?” came a sleepy voice from the other end of the phone.

“Jennifer, it’s Yaz. You said I could call if I needed something?”

“Yaz, what’s the matter?” Jennifer didn’t sound sleepy anymore.

“We’ve had a really bad night here, Jane had a horrendous nightmare, think it was more of a flashback really. She’s close to shutting down, I can’t leave until I have someone to stay with her.”

“Do you need the day?”

“I don’t think so, but a couple of hours? I’m really sorry to ask.”

“Take the time and you can make it up to me. Keep in touch.”

“Thanks Jennifer. I really appreciate it.”

“No problem. And Yaz? If you need anything else, anything at all you call me okay?”

“Yeah.”

First problem sorted, Yaz dialled Graham.

“Graham, we need some help today. Bad night and I have to work in a bit, but I don’t think I can leave her. Is there any way you or Ryan can come and keep her company?”

“Yaz I’m really sorry but I have my check-ups this morning. I’ll probably be most of the day with all the hanging around and Ryan already left for work, he’s on the early shift today.”

“Shit. Okay, don’t worry about it. I’ll come up with something.”

“Yaz, how bad?” he asked nervously, sounding like he didn’t really want to know the answer.

“Bad. You remember when she went catatonic? Like that.”

“I’ll let you know as soon as I’m done at the hospital Yaz and then I’m all yours and I’ll get Ryan to call if he’s done earlier than me.”

“Thanks Graham, I’ll keep in touch.”

Yaz groaned in frustration, there was no way she was comfortable with leaving the Doctor on her own in the state she was in but she didn’t want to take a sick day if she didn’t have to. She dialled one more number.

“Mum?”

“Morning sweetheart! This is early for you, you heading to work?”

“Mum are you working this morning?”

“No, why?”

“You remember you said if I needed help with the Doctor you would be able to do that? I know it was a while ago but does the offer still stand?”

“Of course sweetheart, what do you need?”

“Honestly? A babysitter. She’s in a bad way and I need to go to work. Ryan and Graham are busy and I can’t leave her alone. I didn’t know who else to call.”

“What do you need me to do?”

“Can you come up with some excuse and come over mid-morning or so? I’ll go into work when you get here and I’ll explain everything before I go.”

“I can do that love. I’ll see you in a couple of hours.”

Yaz showered as fast as she could and dressed for work in the bathroom before heading back into the bedroom. The Doctor hadn’t moved and didn’t acknowledge Yaz’s presence. Much as Yaz just wanted to cuddle her and protect her, that hadn’t worked the last time and Yaz was reluctant to allow her to remain in bed all day if she didn’t have to.

She crouched down in front of the Doctor, gently taking her hands which were clutching the duvet so tightly under her chin that her knuckles had turned white.

“Good news, I got the morning off work.”

No response.

“Doctor, I know it’s hard but I want you to get out of bed.”

“What happened to me Yaz? Why is it still happening?” she sounded so lost and broken.

“Do you remember we researched PTSD together? I think it was a bit more than a nightmare wasn’t it? It was a flashback. They can happen a long time after an event, once your brain feels it’s in a safe place to process a trauma.”

“Is this going to define me forever now?”

“Only if you let it. But you’re stronger than that.”

“Yaz?”

“Yeah?”

“Please don’t leave me?” she whispered, as though it was a shameful secret.

Yaz grasped both the Doctor’s hands firmly with her own, forcing them to let go of the duvet and hold Yaz’s back. “Not going anywhere Doctor. You keep trying and I’m right here.”

Giving the Doctor a moment to collect herself, Yaz gently eased the duvet back. The Doctor’s pyjamas were damp with sweat. “Come on, you need a shower.” She instructed lightly.

The Doctor slowly untangled her limbs from where they were stiffly curled in around herself. Yaz handed her her crutches from where she had propped them up by the bookcase when she had brought them up from the living room for her earlier. She was wobbly and Yaz put a steadying hand on her back.

Yaz left her to it with the door cracked and took the opportunity to change the bed sheets. She appeared a little while later and Yaz tempted her downstairs with the promise of tea. The Doctor was about as steady as a new born giraffe as she headed down the stairs and Yaz was slightly concerned she would fall down them. Thankfully she made it in one piece and Yaz left her to get her wheelchair while she flipped on the kettle and slotted toast into the toaster.

Yaz made the tea, spooning an extra sugar into the Doctors and put a range of toast toppings on the table. She sat down and waited for the Doctor to join her. She appeared slowly, head down and not looking at Yaz and Yaz pushed the extra sweetened tea into her hands.

The Doctor accepted the cup but just stared at it, like she wasn’t quite sure what to do with it.

“Drink.” Yaz instructed. “You need something in your system.”

She slowly raised the mug to her lips, having to use two trembling hands to steady the cup and drank, choking on it slightly. Yaz pushed her to take toast and dumped jam on top. She managed about half a slice though Yaz decided against pushing her further.

As soon as they were done eating Yaz got the Doctor to help her clear the table and do the dishes before immediately producing their stack of as of yet unwrapped Christmas presents. Well, most of them, she had collected her own gift for the Doctor the day before on the way home from work and it was safely hidden under Ryan’s bed. She would collect it on Christmas Eve.

“Doctor can you grab the box with all the wrapping stuff from the bottom drawer in the living room? There’s scissors and Sellotape in there too. I’m just going out to the shed, I have an empty basket out there to put Graham’s hamper in.”

She waited until the Doctor started moving back towards the living room and hurried out to the shed as fast as she could, reluctant to leave her alone for any longer than necessary. When she got back in, the Doctor had got the stuff Yaz had asked for and placed them on the table with the pile of gifts but she was still holding the scissors, staring at them. Yaz gently tugged them out of her hand, putting them on the table. She needed to keep her busy.

“Don’t take this the wrong way Doctor, but have you ever wrapped presents before?”

“Course I have. Great at wrapping presents me!” she said, her smile not meeting her eyes.

“Only, you really don’t need quite that much Sellotape… You can cut it off the end of the dispenser…”

“Oh yeah. Of course you can. Silly me.” She repeated, looking at Ryan’s parcel which now had most of a roll of tape wrapped round it. “I should probably do that one again. Don’t want him to think I’m mocking his dyspraxia or anything.”

“Probably best” agreed Yaz, wrapping her present for her mum in starry blue paper and writing a tag.

Yaz wrapped her gifts quickly, including the shared hamper for Graham. The Doctor was still working on hers, clearly having found something else that was tricky and that needed a work around with her damaged hand but she was managing.

Just as she stuck a ribbon on the top of the hamper, the doorbell rang. The Doctor jumped violently in response. Yaz put a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Just the doorbell, I’ll go.”

Yaz answered the door, hugging her mum in greeting. “Thank-you for coming. I need to leave now you’re here. She should be fine, just keep her busy. If she’s panicking or anything call me. Also… I hate to say it but don’t leave her alone with anything she could use to hurt herself including aspirin, she’s incredibly allergic to it. I don’t keep it in the house, do you have any in your handbag?”

“Yaz am I here on a suicide watch?” Najia hissed, looking disturbed and handing over a packet of aspirin which Yaz tucked into her pocket.

“No I don’t think so…” Yaz ran her mum through PTSD quickly and then brought her through to the kitchen.

“Morning Doctor!” Najia greeted cheerfully. “I need to make mums Christmas cake today but our flat has a powercut and I’m working every day between now and Christmas so Yaz has kindly agreed to let me borrow the kitchen, do you mind?”

The Doctor just looked at her, slightly confused. “No, not at all.”

“Thanks, I know you work from home. Yaz tried to explain to me what you’re doing but I really didn’t understand.”

Najia chatted cheerfully as she started producing dried fruit, flour, sugar, almonds and all manner of baking ingredients and equipment from her bag in a manner akin to Mary Poppins.

The Doctor watched what she was doing nervously, it was a lot of activity and a lot of noise all at once, her nerves still felt frayed and raw from the previous night.

Yaz let her mum start rummaging in the fridge with a vague explanation of how she had forgotten to bring eggs and crouched down in front of the Doctor who was anxiously fiddling with her fingers again now she wasn’t distracted by the present wrapping.

“I have to go to work now. Are you okay with my mum being here? You don’t have to stay in the same room as her if you don’t want to, she won’t be offended.”

“I’m okay Yaz.”

“Call me if you need me. Or ask mum to do it. And if you need something you can ask her, she won’t mind. Can I hug you before I go?”

“I’ll be fine Yaz. A hug would be really nice. Can… can you squeeze me tight?”

“Always.” Yaz wrapped her up tightly, attempting to put pressure over as much of her body as possible before reluctantly letting go, kissing her goodbye and heading to work.

When Yaz arrived at work the first thing she did was knock on Jennifer’s door to let her boss know she had actually made it in.

“Did you get thing sorted at home? Jane safe?” Jennifer asked, coming out from behind her desk. Yaz noted and appreciated her use of the word ‘safe’ rather than ‘alright’ or ‘okay’.

“Yeah I did, my mums with her, keeping her busy making a Christmas cake. Probably not the best idea, I don’t even trust the Doctor to make tea and toast most of the time.”

“I understand more about what you’re going through than you realise Yaz. I don’t know if anyone tells you this but you’re doing an amazing job.”

“Am I? That explains why I’ve been up all night while she screamed her way through a flashback.”

“You are Yaz. You’ve done a lot to turn your relationship back into an equal, romantic relationship but you’re also recognising that she has been changed by her experiences and sometimes you need to step in and help. I walked past you last night when you two were skating, you were very much a young couple in love. Don’t forget pretty much my entire job is reading people and their relationships.”

“Thanks, Jennifer. It’s good to hear it from someone who’s not in the situation.”

“Anytime Yaz as always. I know you’re supposed to be coming over for dinner tomorrow night, if you can’t make it then don’t worry about it.”

“I’ll let you know tomorrow, don’t know what I’m likely to be going home to. I’m going to go and get some work done. Thanks.”

The Doctor was hiding in the living room. It wasn’t that she disliked Najia or had any problems with her being in the house, she was there regularly after all, but the flashback was still on her mind. She felt all twitchy like she still had the shock collar on and her muscles were still spasming out of control and she really didn’t want Najia to witness it. She might tell Yaz she should leave her and she really didn’t want that. She loved Yaz far too much for that.

Najia appeared in the living room suddenly, making the Doctor jump again.

“Sorry” Najia apologised remembering that Yaz had specifically warned her against sneaking up on her. “I can’t seem to get your oven to work… is it linked to your radio? Every time I turn it on the radio starts singing.”

“Oh that was me, I got a bit bored once. You have to control the oven with the radio now. I’ll show you how.”

She showed Najia back into the kitchen, trying to will her arms to push her chair properly rather than shaking traitorously and making almost no progress across the floor. At least Najia didn’t offer to push her, or worse just grab at her without consent which some people felt the need to do, even when she was very clearly with Yaz.

The Doctor showed Najia the controls on the radio that made the oven work. “Do you need anything else?”

“You could help me with the cake if you have time? It’s a lot of prep work and I would love to be done by the time Yaz gets home, she gets annoyed when she has to share a kitchen.”

“I’m not much of a cook and I’ve never baked before but I can do prep work for you?”

“How have you never baked before? Didn’t you even do it as a kid?” asked Najia incredulously, handing her a huge bowl of raisins and asking her to pick the stalks out.

“I don’t have a family Najia” the Doctor replied evenly “I thought Yaz would have told you that.”

“Sorry love, she did tell me. I wasn’t thinking.” Najia apologised, mentally kicking herself.

She got on with chopping the cherries quietly, watching the Doctor out of the corner of her eye. She had watched the Doctor improve a lot since she had come back into her daughter’s life but her hands were all over the place and she was struggling to pick up the raisins even with her undamaged hand today.

“Doctor…” Najia began slowly, moving to sit opposite her so they were eye to eye. “Yaz doesn’t tell me much, she respects your privacy too much but I know you have some problems with things feeling overwhelming and panicky. My nephew is the same. He has these things he wears to help and I bought you one. I know we don’t know each other that well so I was going to get Yaz to give it to you but it might be able to help you now…” she trailed off, anxious she had overstepped a mark and fished the packet out of the bottom of her bag.

The Doctor willed her arm to steady enough to take it properly which didn’t quite work. She hadn’t been this all over the place in… actually she didn’t ever feel quite so betrayed by her own body as she did right now.

“What is it?” she forced herself to ask.

“It’s called a deep compression shirt. I know Yaz uses deep pressure to help you, when she gives you those hugs. This is kind of like that.”

The Doctor was genuinely touched. “Thank-you Najia, that’s really nice of you.” She opened the packet and pulled it out. It was made of soft, light blue, stretchy fabric. It looked comfortable.

“It’s designed to be worn under your clothes, so no one even needs to know you’re wearing it.” Najia explained.

The Doctor took the top to the bathroom to try, anything was worth a shot now, her muscles were exhausted. She managed to take her own t-shirt and undershirt off with a bit of wriggling but the new top was stretchy and tight and her body just didn’t seem to be able to co-ordinate itself at all today. She groaned loudly in frustration, forgetting that Najia was in the next room.

There was a soft knock on the bathroom door. “Doctor, you okay in there?”

“I’m fine Najia.” She called back, lying through her teeth.

“I know they can be tricky to put on at the best of times and I know you’re having a lousy day. I can help if you want it.”

The Doctor took a deep breath to swallow her annoyance. She hadn’t really believed that Najia had turned up coincidentally after the night she’d had. She was both annoyed that Yaz thought that she needed someone with her and glad that Yaz hadn’t just left her on her own. She weighed up her options: decline Najia’s help and don’t try the vest which actually sounded really good or accept Najia’s help which would mean she would see all her scars in all their glory. Which was worse? Najia knowing she needed help but seeing her determined to be independent or Najia knowing she needed help and seeing her accept it.

She took a calming breath and unlocked the bathroom door, inviting Najia in.

The Doctor was a modest dresser, usually covered neck to wrists to feet and now Najia could see why. She was deeply scarred all over her chest, back, stomach and arms from burns as well as some smaller, scars that looked like they were from deep cuts. Yaz had never gone into detail about what had happened to the Doctor and what she had gone through and now Najia knew she didn’t want to know. She did her best to keep her face neutral and in the same business like attitude that Yaz always had she quickly helped the Doctor pull the tight shirt over her head and down over her torso. As soon as it was on Najia gave her back her privacy to put her regular tops back on.

The Doctor took a moment when she was dressed. She was very aware of the vest but it felt… good. Her body felt like it was more relaxed and her brain felt… quieter… had it been noisy? She rested her forearms on her thighs taking a few minutes to just breathe before heading back to the kitchen. Her arms were definitely more co-operative this time round, rolling her smoothly across the floor. It felt more normal.

Back in the kitchen she picked up the bowls of raisins that she had been de-stalking. Her hands were definitely shaking less, she was able to lift the tiny fruits easily and pinch out the stalks. The vest was good.

The Doctor and Najia worked quietly alongside each other, each concentrating on their own tasks. When she had finished the cherries, Najia offered to make them both an omelette for lunch which the Doctor happily accepted. She was happy to make her own lunch but the fam wouldn’t eat anything she cooked, usually they were reluctant to even accept tea from her and she had been slightly concerned she would have to offer to make the lunch.

She excused herself and went upstairs to get her leg, she felt stable enough to walk now, though she used her crutches for extra balance, just in case. By the time she came back downstairs Najia was sliding omelettes onto two plates and opening a bag of salad from the fridge so the Doctor made the tea, remembering that like Yaz, Najia took it black.

While they ate, Najia answered a couple of texts that the Doctor strongly suspected were from Yaz checking up on them but she didn’t pry.

“Doctor, what you said before about your family? I don’t expect you to tell me about your past, but I want you to know you do have a family. I know you call Yaz, Ryan and Graham your fam. Ryan and Graham come as a package deal, well so does Yaz. You have her which means you have us too. Me, Hakim and even Sonya. I know she can be difficult, but I would be more worried if she was polite to you all the time. I just wanted to tell you that in case you didn’t already know.”

The Doctor had to turn away to hide the fact that tears were threatening to slide down her cheeks again. “Thank-you Najia, I can’t even begin to tell you how much that means to me.”

The afternoon passed well, Najia was a good teacher and showed the Doctor all the steps to making the rich fruit cake including how to make the marzipan and royal icing to decorate it. At twenty to six, bang on time, Yaz let herself in. She looked thoroughly relieved to see the Doctor standing in front of the sink helping Najia wash up a mountain of dishes and repack her bag.

Najia stayed long enough to share a cup of tea with her daughter before excusing herself lest her husband forgot what she looked like. Yaz showed her out. “Thank-you for today mum, I just couldn’t leave her on her own.”

“I know love, she was in a bad way this morning but she's been busy all day and she’s calmed down a lot.”

Yaz hugged her mum good-bye and waved as she drove away before heading back into the living room where the Doctor was sitting, still drinking her tea.

“How are you doing?” Yaz asked, sitting next to her on the sofa.

“Much better, thanks. I’m sorry about last night.”

“You don’t need to apologise, I’ve been worried about you.”

The Doctor recounted to Yaz about what Najia had told her and the vest she had been given. “I’m feeling okay. Not great but okay. I think you were right, it was a flashback. Just something else to add to the pile.”

“We’ll deal with it. You’re not alone Doctor.”


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a filler chapter. I rewrote the conversation at the end about ten times over the last two days so I hope this version is okay.

“Yaz, go home. You’ve been here long enough.” Jennifer ordered.

It was almost lunchtime but Yaz had been there since the early hours after a 2am phonecall had roused her, talking with a victim of rape and domestic violence. The woman had just been collected to be taken to a shelter out of the area and the so-called ‘loving’ husband had been arrested.

“Thanks Jennifer, Jane and I’ll see you later.” Yaz said, texting the Doctor to let her know she was on her way.

By the time she got home Yaz had a pounding headache building up behind her eyes. Two nights of little to no sleep did that to a person. She threw her stuff on the Doctor’s wheelchair that was parked in the hall and wandered into the living room.

The Doctor appeared from the kitchen with two steaming mugs of tea and put them on the coffee table where there was already a blanket, a glass of water, sandwiches and a packet of paracetamol.

“Have I told you recently how much I love you?” asked Yaz, very touched by the Doctor’s thoughtful actions.

“Yeah, but you can always say it again.” The Doctor replied, wrapping her arms around Yaz and leading her to the sofa.

Yaz downed two painkillers and the glass of water while the Doctor flicked on the TV to find re-runs of an old series of _The Great British Bake-Off_ which she knew Yaz was addicted to.

“What’s in the sandwiches?” Yaz asked, eyeing them warily.

“I don’t know why you’re so suspicious. You did the shopping this week, you didn’t buy anything you don’t like.”

“Just because I like tuna-fish and I like chocolate ice-cream doesn’t mean I want them in the same omelette.” Yaz pointed out, remembering the last time the Doctor had made her lunch a few days before, her nose wrinkling in disgust.

“I really liked that combination!”

“Yeah but you poured custard over your fishfingers instead of mayo night before last.” Yaz couldn’t help but shudder.

“Don’t knock it till you try it. But it’s just chicken, mayo and some of that pre-made salad that _you_ bought in there on that seeded brown bread _you_ like.”

“Thanks.” Yaz accepted the sandwich, putting the plate between the two of them, eating it hungrily. When she had finished eating, Yaz shuffled up the sofa with her tea, leaning in against her girlfriend.

“Do you think we could pick up any tips about how to make these desserts for Christmas?” Yaz asked sleepily, her head resting against the Doctor’s shoulder as the contestants started their technical challenge.

“Maybe. Hasn’t worked so far but baking is just chemistry, follow the instructions and out comes the desired result.”

“You do it then. You’re the scientist.”

“Hey, I’m more physics than chemistry.” The Doctor protested.

Yaz yawned. “You like what ever makes you sound smartest at the time. You will be helping me make those desserts. Your problem is that you don’t like following instructions.”

“I hate instructions. Instructions are for wimps.”

“You literally just said about the chemistry involved.”

“And them I said I prefer physics.”

“I’m too tired to go round in circles with you about this. You’ll only win anyway.” Yaz mumbled sleepily.

The Doctor could see Yaz losing her battle to stay awake and began to stroke her hair in the way she knew Yaz liked. Before the contestants had started their final showstopper challenge Yaz was sound asleep, her head dropping further and further down. The Doctor grabbed the cushion that had been behind her back and put it on her lap, manoeuvring Yaz so her head was resting on it which would be more comfortable than the hard plastic of her leg. She reached out and managed to hook the blanket off the table and gently spread it over Yaz who gave a little sigh in her sleep, and grabbed the blanket with one hand and the Doctor’s hand possessively with the other, settling herself in. The Doctor smiled down at her affectionately, squeezing her hand back and turning down the volume of the TV, settling herself in for a quiet afternoon.

“Yaz?... Yaz!” The Doctor called softly, lightly shaking her shoulder.

“Go away.”

“You’ve been asleep for a couple of hours Yaz. If you don’t get up, you’ll not sleep tonight, and you won’t make it to dinner.”

“Don’t care.” She mumbled, burying her head further into the Doctor’s lap.

“Yes, you do. It’s your boss remember?”

“I hate you.” Yaz groaned, accepting the Doctor’s help to push herself into a sitting position. She was definitely feeling the lack of sleep which had not been made up for by sleeping on the sofa.

“No you don’t, you love me.” The Doctor replied confidently.

“You’re right, I do.” Yaz leaned over and kissed her. “I’m going for a shower, I feel disgusting.”

By the time Yaz had made it out of the shower, the Doctor had joined her in the bedroom and had changed into a clean top. Yaz quickly dressed her customary black jeans and a relaxed fit, silky, teal blouse.

“You look gorgeous Yaz. Should I dress up more? I don’t want to embarrass you in front of your boss.”

“Just wear what you’re comfortable in, Jennifer won’t care and neither do I. And you absolutely won’t embarrass me.”

By the time they made it to Jennifer’s house, via Tesco for a box of chocolates to bring with them, the Doctor had worked herself into a state of low anxiety and was constantly fiddling with the hem of her t-shirt.

Yaz grabbed her hand before they went in. “It’s just dinner. You don’t have to chat beyond saying hello if you don’t think you can and if you need a break or to leave then just tell me.” Yaz was conscious that this was the first time either of them had really socialised with people other than her family or Ryan and Graham in a year with the exception of the disastrous evening of Ryan’s twenty-first.

Jennifer lived in a nice, ordinary suburban street in a bungalow. Yaz kept a calming hold of the Doctor’s hand as they walked up the driveway and rang the doorbell.

Jennifer appeared instantly, cheerfully showed them down a wide hallway. “Dinner won’t be long. Can I get either of you a glass of wine or a soft drink?” she asked as she cooed excitedly over the chocolates.

The kitchen was large and homely, and the table was already set with three places which confirmed for Yaz that Jennifer was single. She hadn’t been sure and realised that Jennifer knew quite a lot about her life though she knew nothing about the other woman’s.

“This is my daughter Lucy.” Jennifer introduced a young woman in a wheelchair, Yaz thought she was probably the same age as her. Her wheelchair was much more elaborate than the Doctor’s model and didn’t have any way for Lucy to push it herself. Lucy herself had a ventilator tube snaking out of her neck and her limbs were twisted into what looked like an uncomfortable position but she was smiling and making an excited gurgling sound at the arrival of the two women.

Yaz did her best to cover her surprise and stepped up to say hi to Lucy, very gently grasping her hand which was curled up similar to the way the Doctor’s sometimes did and introducing herself and the Doctor before sitting down next to her with the Doctor on her other side.

“Sorry ladies dinners running a bit late, I’ve just heard from Lucy’s care team, we’re having a few issues because her hoist is broken and none of the carers are allowed to lift her so they’ve decided that the solution to that is to just not turn up.” She rolled her eyes dramatically.

“If there’s anything we can do?” asked Yaz.

“Well I’ve been arguing with the team and they are sending her night shift but all the lifting is up to me. Also been on the phone to the company that maintains her hoist but they can’t get to us for three days so unless you’ve been moonlighting as an engineer in your spare time there’s not really anything you can do but thanks for offering.”

The Doctor spoke up for the first time, she had been sitting quietly staring at her hands which had been fidgeting anxiously. “I’ve never worked with a hoist, but I am a bit of an engineer and I’m pretty good with mechanics. I can take a look if you like?”

Jennifer looked like the Doctor had just handed her a winning lottery ticket. “Are you serious? That would be fantastic, thank-you. She’s really too heavy for me to lift on my own now, especially in and out of the bath and it hurts her.”

“I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to fix it but I can certainly try if you show it to me.”

“Even an attempt would be appreciated, you won’t leave me any worse off. The unit is on the ceiling though, are you okay with a small step ladder?”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine.” The Doctor smiled reassuringly, some of the confidence that she used in hair raising situations returning. She followed Jennifer down to Lucy’s room, stopping at a hall cupboard for a tool box and the aforementioned step ladder.

Lucy’s room was large and dominated by a hospital bed and various pieces of medical equipment, including oxygen tanks and masks that the Doctor recognised as the same style as they still had in their own bedroom, large amounts of medication and boxes of adult nappies. Jennifer showed her the hoist and its controls and explained how it normally went on a track between the bed, changing table in the bathroom and the bath and could be stopped at any point in the middle of the room to put Lucy in her wheelchair.

Lucy had started to cry as soon as her mum left the room and Yaz briefly panicked, she didn’t want her boss to come back to find her daughter upset. Her limbs looked painful and Yaz was wary of hurting her but she gently rubbed Lucy’s hands which were flailing as she cried, the sound reminding Yaz of a distressed kitten. Her hands stilled when Yaz took them and Lucy made an attempt to hold them with a small squeeze of her thumbs while Yaz chatted to her quietly about the surprise she had got the Doctor for Christmas.

“I’m impressed Yaz, Lucy doesn’t normally do well with strangers.” Commented Jennifer as she walked back into the room five minutes later.

Yaz jumped slightly, she hadn’t heard her boss walk back into the room. “I didn’t do anything.”

“Yes you did. You talked to her. Most people ignore her and the ones that do talk to her mostly talk to her like a baby and not the adult that she is.”

“It happens with Jane too, especially when she’s in her wheelchair. People assume she’s not competent and ask me what she wants when we’re in restaurants. She’s the smartest person I’ve ever met even if her social skills have always been kind of lousy. When she doesn’t have her chair, people take one look at her face and suddenly lose all power of speech. She tries to pretend it doesn’t bother but it gets her down.”

“Lucy is protected from that in a way, she doesn’t get how people look at her for the most part though she does pick up an atmosphere or tone of voice in the same way a small baby does. I don’t know when the care team are going to ger here, do you mind if I feed Lucy?”

“No get on with your evening please, I think we’ve turned up on a bad night.”

“Not at all” reassured Jennifer as she lifted a box of supplies from a cupboard. “If Jane can fix the hoist you have no idea how much that helps me. She won’t think I’m taking advantage of her will she?”

“She would probably rather do that than talk to us” admitted Yaz. “She’s been really anxious about this. I told her she didn’t have to come but she wanted to. This is actually the first time she’s socialised with someone other than our family since before everything happened.”

“She’s doing fine but if she’s not coping and needs to leave it’s not a problem. I meant to mention to you that my house is accessible, I lost touch with a lot of my friends from before Lucy’s accident because of the lack of accessibility. Even when she was out of hospital I couldn’t take her places because they weren’t accessible.”

“Our house isn’t great. We have ramps but the only bedroom is upstairs and the downstairs bathroom is tiny. Because Jane was so unwell when she lost her leg and it was amputated under traumatic circumstances the skin on her stump is really delicate and sensitive so she can’t wear her prosthetic all the time but the burn scars on her arm also mean she can’t always use her crutches. It’s a balancing act.”

Jennifer had sat beside Lucy on her other side and had rolled up her top to reveal a small plug in her stomach. She was hooking up tubes to it and a syringe so she could put liquid nutrition directly into Lucy’s stomach.

“We had to move for Lucy though my husband didn’t even last long enough for her to get out of hospital. She was hit by a car when she was walking home from her last GCSE exam. She has a severe Traumatic Brain Injury. Overnight my beautiful, smart, wonderful daughter lost the ability to walk, talk, feed herself or even breathe on her own. She needs care around the clock, I can’t even leave her to take the bin out if there isn’t someone with her because ventilator’s have a nasty habit of tripping and then she wouldn’t be able to breathe. I’ve had to resuscitate her seven times this year alone and each time is as terrifying as the last.”

“I can’t believe you’ve let me talk about how difficult it can be to balance care for Jane with being her girlfriend when you’re juggling all this.”

“I don’t have exclusive rights over complaining you know. You’re allowed to complain to me if you’ve had a lousy night or whatever but equally you should be able to complain to Jane if you’ve had a shit day at work and your boss is being an ass.”

Yaz laughed. “I’m pretty lucky, my boss is very understanding. Wouldn’t want to get on her bad side though!”

At that moment the Doctor reappeared looking triumphant. Yaz was surprised it had taken so long considering the sonic screwdriver was in her pocket but suspected the Doctor had been hiding for a few minutes before coming back.

“It’s all sorted. There was an issue with the motor. Hope you don’t mind but I gave it a bit of an upgrade so it shouldn’t break again.”

“Jane I cannot thank you enough.” Jennifer exclaimed. “I would hug you if my hands weren’t a bit busy.”

“I’ll hug her for you” Yaz said cheerfully, standing up and hugging the Doctor tightly, whispering her own thanks in her ear.

Jennifer finished off what she was doing and was just washing her hands when a carer arrived and took over, taking Lucy down to her bedroom.

“It takes a couple of hours to get Luce ready for bed, by the time you bath, medication, toileting, physio and her body doesn’t really move from the position she’s in now so even dressing and undressing takes a long time.”

Yaz nodded, she understood. It had never quite taken a couple of hours but after the Doctor had regained consciousness she had been too weak and too traumatised to do anything for herself and even the simplest of tasks had taken a long time.

Jennifer produced an impressive looking lasagne and garlic bread from the oven and lifted salad and coleslaw from the fridge.

The food was amazing and Jennifer was a relaxed host. She and Yaz were able to carry on the conversation easily when the Doctor needed a minute to collect herself and Jennifer didn’t comment when the Doctor strayed off conversation that was appropriate for the century. All in all it was a very successful evening and finished on a high when Jennifer produced an impressive pavlova she had made for dessert.

“You were great tonight.” Yaz told the Doctor later that evening as they lay in bed together.

“It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be” the Doctor admitted.

“It’s polite to invite someone back in these situations. Would that be okay with you?”

“It’s your house Yaz.”

“It’s _our_ house. And I won’t invite her if you would rather I didn’t. This is your safe space too.”

“I really don’t mind. But… can we invite her after Christmas. There’s a lot of socialising expected over holidays and I think I need some time where it’s just us if that’s okay with you?”

“Of course it is. I need some time for just us sometimes too. I’m going to be working a lot over the next few days so maybe I just want you all to myself when I can.”

They lay like that for a few minutes, relaxed in each others arms, the Doctor lightly rubbing circles into Yaz’s exposed hip.

“Did you know about Lucy before tonight?” she asked suddenly.

“No. But Jennifer has been very supportive of me, I suspected she had some sort of personal motivation.”

“She has a brain injury right?”

“Yeah.”

“Kind of puts my brain problems in perspective. I know I’m not… who I was but…” she trailed off not sure how to finish what she had started to say.

“Just because Lucy’s brain injury is more severe than yours doesn’t mean you have any less of a right to be angry or sad or anything else. But brain injuries can continue to heal for years after an injury, your brain is still healing.”

“Doesn’t feel like it. I still can’t get the stuff to line up to call the TARDIS back.”

“And a couple of months ago you could barely string a sentence together or even sit up on your own.” Yaz pointed out. “You fixed and upgraded that hoist tonight and you’ve been doing all that stuff with Ryan that I don’t understand. You’ll get it to work, I have complete confidence in that.”

“I’m glad you have so much faith, though I think it’s a bit misplaced at the moment.”

“I always have faith in you Doctor, always.”


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The recipe mentioned in this is by Paul Hollywood. It is amazing! (and not as hard as it looks) It's my go to favourite for all family gatherings, when I'm cooking for friends, when I offer to bring dessert etc. You can find it here on page 443.
> 
> https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=88VdAwAAQBAJ&q=hazelnut#v=onepage&q=hazelnut&f=false
> 
> I'm really nervous about posting this chapter so I hope it's okay.

It was Christmas Eve. Yaz and the Doctor stood in the kitchen, a large myriad of ingredients spread across the bench.

“So… where do we start? Wondered Yaz out loud feeling more than slightly overwhelmed.

“Start at the very beginning, a very good place to start!” replied the Doctor.

Yaz turned to stare at her. “You’re quoting the Sound of Music to me?”

“No, I’m quoting me to you...” she broke off scrunching her brow at her own sentence. “I’m quoting me. I wrote that song you know! Rogers and Hammerstein were really stuck with that one but I was able to sort it out for them all while sorting out an army of giant ants!”

“Uhhh right” said Yaz. As ever she was slightly unsure how to take the Doctor’s crazier stories. “Don’t suppose you picked up any tips from mum last week when she was making her cake?”

“She didn’t let me do anything without supervision! Me! Like I couldn’t be trusted!”

Yaz snorted. “Wonder why” she muttered. “Must have tried your cooking.”

“Hey! If you’re going to be rude I’ll leave you to it! You’re the idiot that volunteered to make these things!”

“Don’t you dare” Yaz threatened. “Right, this shouldn’t be so complicated. We can do this.” She read the recipe again. Hazelnut Meringue Roulade. It sounded truly terrifying. “Okay I’ll start separating the eggs, you weigh the sugar and chop the nuts.”

Yaz held her breath as she separated the eggs, something she had never done before. She ended up separating each egg into a cup first before adding them to her mixing bowl. Then she got out her electric whisk that her Nani had bought her when she had first moved in but she had never used before. Her Nani was happy for Yaz to have a career but she was also anxious for Yaz to ‘settle down and put in some roots’.

After she had been standing there for a while, to her great surprise the eggs were expanding and turning white. She hoped they were supposed to.

“How do I know when it’s done?” she asked the Doctor.

“Uhhh… last time we watched the _Bake Off_ they held it over their heads and if it didn’t fall out they said it was done.”

“I’m not holding it over my head!” Yaz gasped. “You hold it over your head!”

“Maybe you could just tip the bowl upside down over the bench instead?” suggested the Doctor reasonably, squinting at her scales because she had left her glasses upstairs and was refusing to go and get them.

Yaz picked up the bowl and crept up behind the Doctor, mischievously holding it over her head.

“Looks fine to me!” she announced cheekily.

“Yaz!” the Doctor shouted at her, instinctively ducking from the sticky mixture.

“What? It was your suggestion.” She answered innocently

Yaz quickly put her meringue back on the bench out of harms way as the Doctor flicked some dried hazelnuts at her. Yaz threw some sugar back at her in retaliation and in her effort to dodge somehow the Doctor lost her footing entirely, tipping sideways with a small squeak. Yaz managed to catch her before she hit the floor though not without smearing her still meringue-y fingers all over her t-shirt.

“I feel like I should kiss you while I’ve got you like this” she suggested playfully. “It’s like that photo of the sailor in Times Square.”

“Well I’m a very big fan of gut instincts…” the Doctor started to say though was cut off as Yaz’s mouth got in the way briefly before Yaz righted them both, blushing slightly as she kept hold of the Doctor for a second longer than was strictly necessary as she double checked the other woman was definitely balanced this time.

Yaz felt her temperature rise slightly and she turned away so she wouldn’t be distracted by the wiggle of the Doctor’s hips as she whipped the cream filling by hand. Yaz grabbed the cheese grater from its place in the drawer and started to grate the chocolate but the Doctor really was very distracting…

“Ow!” she yelped.

“What? What’s happened?” The Doctor asked, whirling round in a panic.

“Nothing, I’m fine, just grated my thumb a bit.” Yaz reassured her, sticking her thumb in her mouth to relieve the sting.

“Let me see” the Doctor commanded gently, pulling Yaz’s thumb towards her. It was deeper than Yaz had first thought and was trickling blood down her hand. The Doctor marched Yaz over to the sink, rinsing her hand and then wrapping it in a piece of kitchen roll and holding it up high, squeezing it tightly.

She held it like that for a few minutes, checking a couple of times to make sure the bleeding had stopped though not quite managing to meet Yaz’s eye. They were standing very close to each other. Was it just her or had the room got warm? Must be the oven.

“I’ll just grab the First Aid Kit” the Doctor muttered, hurrying away, unable to explain why her cheeks suddenly felt so hot.

The Doctor meticulously wrapped Yaz’s finger with a plaster. “I think I need to kiss it better” she explained seriously.

“Is that your professional, medical opinion Doctor?”

“Definitely. I do have a medical degree you know. Kissing better is the first thing they teach you. But only to extra special people.” She planted a gentle kiss on Yaz’s thumb. But the moment was interrupted by the shrill ring of the kitchen timer. Yaz regretfully took her hand back from where the Doctor was still holding it to rescue the meringue before it burned.

Yaz busied herself inverting the meringues and carefully pulling back the greaseproof paper. To her utter astonishment it actually looked exactly how it was supposed to. When she turned back around the Doctor was fiddling anxiously with her fingers and staring at her knees. Yaz sat back down beside her, taking her hands to still them.

“Talk to me” Yaz asked her.

“I wanted to talk to you… I’ve been meaning to… for a while… I wanted to talk about…” she stopped talking, tucking her head into her chest and looking thoroughly embarrassed.

“You can talk to me about anything you know” Yaz prompted.

“It doesn’t matter… it’s nothing” she backpedalled.

“It clearly does if you’re finding it this hard to talk about.”

The Doctor took a deep breath, looking like she was psyching herself up to speak. “It’s just… I… have you… I… haveyoubeenflirtingwithme?” she asked, her words all coming out in a rush.

Yaz took a moment to decipher what she had said. “Have I been flirting with you?”

The Doctor nodded, not daring to lift her head up and look at Yaz.

“Yes.” She answered simply. “Do you want me to stop?”

“No… it’s not that…”

Yaz was pretty sure where the Doctor was trying to go with all this but she waited patiently for her to get the words out on her own.

“I want to… to do a bit… more than flirt with you.”

Yaz smiled at her encouragingly. “What did you have in mind?”

“I don’t… I don’t know.”

“Yes you do. Otherwise you wouldn’t be talking to me. Tell me what you want Doctor.” Her voice was low, inviting.

The Doctor coughed, stalling for time and uncharacteristically shy. “I want to… touch you and hold you… and maybe for you to touch me?” she finally asked, lifting her gaze for the first time to look at Yaz properly.

“We can do that.” Yaz was smiling at her now… that smile was… everything… all at once.

“Do you mean right now? When we go to bed or just generally sometime in the future?”

“We should finish here first… can we try before we go to bed… maybe?”

“Yeah, we can. Do you want to talk about it first? About what you want and don’t want?” Yaz asked carefully, wary of scaring her off.

“I think… can we keep our hands above the waist? I’m not ready for you to go… below.”

“Whatever you need. This should be fun for both of us but you need to be comfortable with what you’re doing.”

For the Doctor to have actually brought it up and suggested it Yaz knew it must be something she really wanted – she hardly ever mentioned what she wanted in regards to anything. But Yaz also knew how frightened she was too and how much trust she was putting in Yaz. The Doctor still hated to be touched for the most part. Just last week she had tripped over the rug in Graham’s living room and his simple action of grabbing her arm to stop her falling had led to her rushing to the bathroom and locking herself in in terror. Yes, Yaz touched her all the time but it was usually (unfortunately) medically based or fairly platonic cuddling punctuated with the occasional chaste kiss. Yaz would be lying if she said she wasn’t nervous too. 

With a clean kitchen and two desserts chilling in the fridge Yaz led the way upstairs to bed. The Doctor went straight into the bathroom which left Yaz with a decision to make in regards to her pyjamas. The Doctor’s lower body temperature meant that even in the summer she had been wearing thick, flannel or fleece pyjamas, not very appealing. But equally she didn’t want to add extra pressure to the situation by wearing something different. She settled on clean pyjamas with no buttons, the Doctor still couldn’t tackle them most of the time and this really wasn’t the time to point out what she couldn’t do.

Yaz dressed and brushed her hair but the Doctor still hadn’t emerged from the bathroom. Yaz couldn’t hear her so she went and knocked on the door.

“Doctor, you okay in there?” she called through the bathroom door.

“Yes” she answered but she didn’t sound too sure.

“Can I come in?” Yaz asked softly.

“Yeah” she replied.

Yaz cautiously pushed open the bathroom door. The Doctor was sitting on the edge of the bath and Yaz crossed the room to sit next to her and took hold of her hand. She had progressed as far as taking off her leg and putting on pyjamas but had clearly got stuck somewhere around the point that required her to leave the bathroom.

“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” Yaz reminded her. “I won’t be mad or upset or disappointed. You’re in control.”

“I do want to… I just don’t know how to start.” The Doctor admitted slowly.

Yaz turned to face her. “How about we just go sit on the bed. If you want to stop or take a break you let me know, you don’t have to do it with words if you can’t. I’ll get the message.”

The Doctor nodded and led the way into the bedroom, sitting down on the bed and holding out her hand to invite Yaz to join her which she did, leaning over to kiss her, cupping her face gently.

“Can I?” she asked, indicating Yaz’s top. Yaz nodded her consent and wriggled slightly closer. The Doctor took hold of the hem of top and slowly lifted the top over Yaz’s head, running her fingers lightly up Yaz’s spine as she did so. Yaz instantly broke out in goosebumps from the simple contact.

Watching the Doctor’s face for any sign that it was too much Yaz copied her actions. The Doctor was still wearing a soft bra though Yaz wasn’t. She had let her hands fall back onto her knees, unsure of what to do next. Yaz took the Doctor’s hands and placed them gently on her own shoulders, inviting her in.

The Doctor slowly moved her hands down Yaz’s arms and across her stomach, delicately tracing the firm outline of her abs. She hesitated as her hands got higher.

Yaz bit her lip, breathing in hard. It was a very long time since anyone had touched her at all.

She allowed the Doctor to push her back onto the bed and slowly rested her hands on her hips and gradually moved her hands upwards. The Doctor grabbed her hands, stopping them from moving any further.

“Do you want to stop?” Yaz asked.

“No… just give me a second.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“I’m fine… do that again.”

“Is this okay?” Yaz asked as the Doctor’s breath hitched slightly under her touch.

“Yeah… it’s good.” The Doctor confirmed, leaning forwards over Yaz.

It’s soft and it’s intimate and it’s… wonderful. The best sensation she’s felt in… well so long she’s not even sure she can remember it.

“You’re really quiet” commented Yaz an hour later as they lay in bed together. She had had to put her t-shirt back on as she had started shivering after laying next to the Doctor’s cool skin for too long.

“Are you crying?” she asked suddenly worried and propped herself up on her elbow trying to see her girlfriends face but she had moved so her hair was covering it.

“No” she answered but not particularly convincingly.

“Have I upset you? Was it too much?”

“No. It wasn’t you.”

“Doctor can you look at me? I can’t have this conversation with the back of your head.”

She sighed but sat up and Yaz joined her, mirroring her position. It hadn’t escaped her notice that the Doctor had brought a cushion with her that she had put on her lap, holding it like it was a lifeline.

They hadn’t done much, hands above the waist at all times, some petting and kissing. She had been more adventurous with Danny Biswas in Year 10. The Doctor had left her bra on and Yaz hadn’t strayed under it. She had kept insisting she was fine, had definitely seemed to be enjoying herself but there was no denying there was something wrong now.

“Tell me. Please?”

“It wasn’t what we were doing. That was good. Really good. Amazing even. But now I keep remembering stuff. Stuff I didn’t even know I remembered…”

Yaz could feel her stomach twist. She couldn’t even imagine what it must be like for the Doctor to want to be more intimate but to be held back by her memories every time. It felt like every time she did or got something positive, the past threatened to ruin it. At least she wasn’t panicking, yet anyway.

“Can I hold you?” Yaz asked her softly.

The Doctor shook her head. “No. Sorry Yaz, please don’t touch me just at the moment.”

Yaz lifted her hands in a gesture akin to a surrender. “Don’t worry, I won’t. Not unless you want me to. Just give me a minute.” She got out of bed and padded towards the door.

_For Rassilon’s sake. Couldn’t you have just held it together until she fell asleep you idiot? How can you possibly give her that stupid Christmas present now? How can you expect her to stay with you if you can’t even touch her or let her touch you. You can’t expect her to just never be intimate again.”_

The Doctor gave a small cry and rolled over back onto her side, facing away from the door and holding the cushion tightly to her chest. She stuffed her fist in her mouth. Yaz didn’t need to hear her cry again.

Downstairs Yaz turned on the kettle and rummaged through her DVD collection for a light-hearted Christmas film. She knew the Doctor was crying upstairs but she also knew there was nothing she could say. Sometimes actions spoke louder than words.

Tucking her laptop under her arm Yaz balanced two large mugs of tea and a packet of custard creams as she went back upstairs. Her heart physically hurt as she saw the Doctor curled up in the bed, hiding behind her hair and the cushions. Yaz put her goodies onto the bedside table and climbed in carefully.

The Doctor had, whether by accident or on purpose, a bank of cushions behind her creating a physical barrier between them. Yaz opened up the laptop and balanced it on the cushions between them with the custard creams resting on the keyboard.

The Doctor hadn’t reacted to Yaz coming back in, heading back towards her habitual silence. Yaz left their tea on the bedside table and reached carefully over the Doctor’s body to offer her a hand to hold, mindful that she had been asked not to touch. She was relieved when the Doctor’s hand appeared from where it had been clutching the cushion in a death grip and transferred it to Yaz’s hand instead.

The Doctor sat up before Santa arrived on screen in the film and Yaz wordlessly pressed one of the mugs of tea and a custard cream into her free hand. Although the film was supposed to be a comedy they watched the film in silence though by the end they had managed to relax against each other and between them they had managed to polish off the entire packet of custard creams.

As the end credits played Yaz shut down the laptop and put it, their empty mugs and the custard cream wrapper on the bedside table.

The Doctor still looked really down.

“How are you doing?” Yaz asked her quietly.

The Doctor snorted. “Me? I should be asking you that. I couldn’t separate the things that I wanted you to do from the memories of what I was forced to do.” Her tone was bitter.

“You need to tell me to stop if you’re not happy. That’s why we talked about it earlier.”

“I didn’t want you to. Part of me wanted more. I was enjoying it until it was over.”

“Can I hold you now?”

“Yeah” the Doctor wriggled over and pushed the cushions out of their way. Her head was resting on Yaz’s arm and they were holding hands again, their combined grip resting between them just above their hips which were pressed together.

“Was there something specific I did or we did that triggered those memories?”

The Doctor didn’t answer but she looked away. Sometimes she was easier to read than a book.

“Tell me what it was. I won’t do it again unless you want me to.”

“It’s just… when you touched my scars… you touch them every day. Even if you weren’t still helping me to maintain them they’re pretty hard to avoid. It’s weird, sometimes they’re almost numb and I think you could take a knife to them and I wouldn’t feel it but other times they’re so sensitive I can’t even stand to wear clothes over them though obviously I have to. Tonight they’re really sensitive and what you were doing was good and I enjoyed it but when we stopped they just felt like I had taken a cheese grater to them and it reminded me of when I got them and it was like I could feel that acid all over again.”

“I’m sorry” Yaz apologised for lack of anything else to say. She had been absently mindedly running her fingers through the Doctor’s hair though her angle meant her fingers also grazed the top of her head where the scarring started. She promptly let her hand relax against the pillow.

“Don’t be sorry Yaz. It wasn’t your fault that it happened in the first place and it wasn’t your fault tonight. I want to do it again if you do. Not tonight, but soon. You make me feel so safe Yaz. I never thought I was going to be safe again. I thought all I had to look forward to was someone going too far and killing me and it would have been a blessed relief but now I have so much to look forward to. I’m so glad that I get to be here with you. Even when it’s really hard, up there with the hardest things I’ve ever done and believe me when I say that’s saying something, you make it better.”

Yaz moved her head so she was nestling it between the Doctor’s head and shoulder and the Doctor lazily ran her fingers across the bottom of Yaz’s stomach where her pyjama top had ridden up slightly.

“You’ve changed so much you know.” Yaz started and hastily attempted to clarify what she wanted to say, feeling the way the Doctor stiffened beside her. “Not the way you’re thinking. You talk to me, you tell me stuff. When you have a problem or you’re upset you talk to me about it instead of shutting me out. You accept help when you need it instead of struggling on by yourself. I feel like I’ve got to know you so much better and I love you so much.”

“I love you too Yaz. You are so good for me. I know I’ve turned your life upside down but I can’t even feel sorry about it because I can’t imagine what my life would be like if you weren’t in it.”

“I stand by what I said you know. That night we went with you instead of being kidnapped! You’re still the best person I’ve ever met.


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First I would like to apologise for how long this has taken for me to write. I had a bit of a mental health crisis of my own over the last few days and have really struggled to do anything other than curl up in a ball. 
> 
> Secondly, I'm not entirely happy with this chapter but honestly at this point I just wanted to get it out and stop staring at it. I may re-write it at some point. I wanted to write pure Christmassy fluff (yes I know it will be May in a few days) but I didn't quite manage it. We should count ourselves lucky that nothing too serious happened (there were some very angsty, major events in some drafts) as I clearly wasn't in the head space to write much fluff. 
> 
> Well if I haven't put you off reading this chapter completely I hope you enjoy.

“Happy Christmas!” the Doctor greeted Yaz softly, her eyes bright and cheerful despite their disturbed night. Unsurprisingly, after their conversation the night before she had woken them both with nightmares.

Yaz groaned and rolled over. She wasn’t a morning person at the best of times. “Happy Christmas.” She replied sleepily, snuggling in closer to the Doctor. “Okay?” Yaz asked checking in.

“Yeah... Really. New day and all that.” She reassured, wrapping her arms tightly around Yaz’s waist and kissing her neck.

Yaz raised her eyebrows at that statement. That was categorically not necessarily true but it was Christmas, she just wanted it to be a nice day and didn’t push it.

They lay in bed for a while, enjoying the lazy start to the day but eventually Yaz dragged herself up. “Nice as this is, we have to collect my Nani before we go to mums, we should really move.”

“I don’t wanna” moaned the Doctor, dragging Yaz back onto the bed.

“Mmmmm five more minutes okay…” Yaz agreed, flopping back down onto the bed and resting her head on the Doctor’s stomach, enjoying listening to the other woman’s twin heartbeats.

“Can I give you your Christmas present now?”

“You didn’t have to get me a present.” Yaz protested.

The Doctor was wriggling underneath her, reaching for the drawer in her beside table and rummaging around in it for a second before withdrawing a small, cube shaped parcel wrapped in silver paper and handed it to Yaz before she started to fidget with the hem of her pyjamas.

Yaz painstakingly unwrapped the parcel, picking at each piece of Sellotape individually. It was a habit of hers, drove her family mad. When she removed the entirely undamaged paper it revealed a black box. Yaz opened the box and gasped.

It was a ring.

An absolutely stunning ring made of twists of gold and silver, each ending in a tiny star that intertwined together. It was beautiful in its simplicity.

“Doctor what the hell is this?” she demanded sitting up straight.

The Doctor pushed herself into a sitting position. “You don’t like it?” she asked worriedly.

She softened her tone. “Of course I do, it’s beautiful but I’m not sure I know what you mean by it.”

The Doctor finally caught up and blushed. “I’m not asking you to marry me Yaz, I am so not in a position to do that right now so you can relax. But I do want to make a promise.”

She sat up straighter, looking at Yaz earnestly. “I want to promise you that I’m not giving up. I want to be with you and I want to make you happy. I honestly don’t know how you’ve put up with me for this long but I am so glad you did because now I get to actually enjoy being alive and I want to celebrate that by being with you because you’re incredible Yasmin Khan and I promise to love you.”

Yaz was trying hard not to cry. “I don’t know what to say” she sniffed “but I accept your promise.”

She lifted the ring out of the box and slid it onto her finger, admiring the way it looked.

“I promise to keep loving you too. On your best days and your worst days I will always love you.” She leaned forward, her forehead resting against the Doctors and savoured their closeness for a moment and then sat up again.

“Thank-you Doctor, it’s a beautiful ring and a beautiful promise. It means a lot to me.”

She reached forward to hug the Doctor and somehow ended up overbalancing, knocking them both back onto the bed, landing on top of her girlfriend with a small, muffled ‘ooft’ before rolling off her, giggling.

“Sorry! Kind of ruined the moment there” he giggled.

“Hey!” the Doctor protested against the loss of contact, pulling her back up and wrapping her arms around her back and waist to hold her there, kissing her hungrily.

“I made you a Christmas breakfast” announced the Doctor proudly as Yaz appeared in the kitchen, fresh out of the shower with the ring still on her finger.

“What is it?” she asked suspiciously.

“Christmas porridge! I made your normal porridge but added all the flavours of Christmas – sugar, cinnamon, sultanas and orange juice… on the side” she clarified at the look of horror on Yaz’s face.

Yaz nervously sat down and stuck a spoon in the bowl the Doctor pushed in front of her. The other woman was already tucking in though that was no indication of the edibleness of the food.

Feeling brave Yaz helped herself to a small spoonful. Instantly her mouth felt like it was on fire, she grabbed her orange juice, trying to wash away the taste as she coughed and spluttered.

“Yaz! Yaz! What’s happened? What’s the matter?” the Doctor had jumped up and run round to where Yaz was sitting, looking terrified.

“Water” Yaz managed to gasp, batting away her hand.

“Right, water” if Yaz wasn’t currently in such a panic she would have laughed at the way the Doctor was flapping and dancing around the kitchen in an attempt to find a glass and the tap, she seemed to have totally lost her senses as she rummaged as if she was in a strange room instead of one she was in every day.

After what felt like an eternity there was a pint glass of water in front of her and Yaz downed it.

“What happened Yaz?” the Doctor was shouting, a sure sign she was both upset and a little bit terrified.

“Possibly a little bit too much cinnamon” Yaz admitted. “How much did you put in there?”

The Doctor showed her the small jar of cinnamon. It had been mostly full and was now half empty.

“For future reference just a few shakes would have been enough. Should have bought you a cookbook for Christmas.”

“I can try again? Fresh batch.” She offered.

“No! No, it’s fine. Thanks for offering. But I think I’ve had enough. There’ll be loads of food at mums later and Graham’s been shopping for days.”

The Doctor looked disappointed and Yaz grabbed her hand, dragging her into the living room. “Come on, I’ve got your Christmas present!”

“You got me a present?” the Doctor asked, scrunching her face.

“Course I did!”

“I don’t remember the last time someone bought me a present” she confessed.

Yaz’s gut twisted. How long had it been since someone had taken care of the Doctor? Or probably more accurately, how long had it been since the Doctor had let someone take care of her? Yaz was anxious about her gift, she knew the Doctor would love it… or it would upset her. Not that that wasn’t par for the course these days and it was often impossible to predict.

The Doctor hovered nervously in the doorway, not moving to open the large box that was resting on the coffee table and was wrapped in plain, silver paper.

“Open it” Yaz encouraged.

The Doctor slowly tore away the paper, almost like she was expecting Yaz to take it off her again. When the paper was removed, she was still in the dark as it had revealed a plain brown cardboard box with only a brand name that she didn’t recognised.

Finding the cardboard catch on the front she opened it to reveal a piano… well a keyboard.

“Oh Yaz…” she whispered.

“Hear me out” said Yaz nervously. “When we saw that piano in town and you spoke about how much you loved to play and I wanted you to have that again but were worried about how it would work. A keyboard is smaller than a piano so you wouldn’t have to stretch your hand as much. It also has a record feature so you could record one hand first and then add the other one in or you can load music onto it and it’ll light up the correct keys for you to play and even if you find it hard it would be really good for your brain and your hand…” she rambled, trailing off. “I can take it back if you don’t like it…”

The Doctor gathered Yaz into her arms. “I love it Yaz, thank-you.” She reverently ran her hands over the keys.

“Go ahead, we’ve got a few minutes before we need to leave for Nani. I’ll put the presents in the car.” She offered, mindful the Doctor would probably want some privacy.

Yaz took her time taking the presents out but she was soon lured back in by the soft strains of piano music from the living room. The Doctor had placed the piano on the table and was sitting on a kitchen bar stool. She had folded her damaged her left hand across her lap and was making no attempt to play with it but her right was dancing lightly across the keys, playing a beautiful piece of music that Yaz didn’t recognise. It was soft, sweet and genuinely beautiful. It wasn’t sad as such but it made Yaz feel emotional all the same.

The Doctor looked up and jumped when she saw Yaz standing in the doorway. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you jump.” Yaz apologised. “That was beautiful, what was it?”

“It wasn’t quite right, long time since I played. It was a Gallifreyan lullaby, I used to play it to my children when they were small and then my grandchildren.” She wasn’t crying but her eye was glassy and she looked very far away all of a sudden.

Yaz walked over to her. _Children?_ _Grandchildren!?_ The Doctor was always pretty cagey about her past but that was a pretty big thing to have never mentioned.

“You’re a parent?” Yaz probed.

“I was.”

Those two little words, said with so much pain, told Yaz everything she needed to know about the situation, for now at least.

“Do you need a minute before we go?” Yaz offered.

The Doctor spun on her chair to face Yaz, smiling at her in thanks but looking incredibly sad. “I’m okay, it was a long time ago.” She reassured her. “You know the piano is the whole reason I chose to come to earth?”

“Really?”

“Granny Six taught me to play, she had one and she left it to me when she died. I was only eight-seven but I had picked up the basics and I kept practicing. I don’t know where she got it. When I ran away the first time, I asked my granddaughter where we should go and she wanted to go where the music was from.” The Doctor paused for a moment, lost in the bittersweet memory.

“Somehow we ended up in a scrapyard in London in 1963.”

Yaz snorted. “Well of all the places to end up…”

“I know. That’s when the chameleon circuit broke too. Why the TARDIS looks like a police box.”

“And you’ve never got round to fixing it in the last few thousand years?”

“Course I have, loads of times. But every time I do, she lands in London sometime during the 1950’s or 60’s, disguises herself as a police box and then breaks the circuit.”

“Of course she does” Yaz was laughing now, the serious mood abated and they grabbed their coats before heading out to the car. It was incredibly slippery with thick levels of black ice and the Doctor took a very firm hold of Yaz’s arm to help brace herself against the ice. She had found out the hard way a few weeks ago that her crutches were of no use on ice whatsoever and had taken an embarrassing tumble on her way to the shops though most of the embarrassment had come from trying to get back to her feet again.

The Doctor waited in the car while Yaz went in to collect her Nani and send a quick text to her mum – she had just realised she wouldn’t be able to push her Nani’s wheelchair and help the Doctor from the car to the flat. Her mum would come down to meet them and give her a hand.

When she brought her Nani out the Doctor had considerately moved into the back seat, it was easier for Umbreen to get in and out of the front. Yaz carefully helped her grandmother, trying to pretend she couldn’t see how much more frail she was these days. She expertly folded up the wheelchair, storing it in the boot and by the time she got into the car Umbreen and the Doctor were already in the middle of a conversation.

Although the roads were well salted the little bit of traffic there was inched along the road and it took longer than normal to get to her parents house. Even more annoyingly, none of the accessible parking spaces were free and she ended up having to park at the bottom of the street. Thankfully Sonya, who had apparently been dispatched to meet them, was already following the car looking vaguely disgruntled.

The Doctor and Umbreen waited in the car while Yaz got the wheelchair out. The Doctor’s breath hitched when Yaz skidded slightly on the ice. It was times like this she felt incredibly guilty, she should be helping Yaz, not waiting in the car until someone was available to literally hold her hand.

_Stop it. She loves you and you know you can trust her to be honest. She wouldn’t have accepted that ring this morning if she didn’t want to be with you and if she had a problem she would tell you._

Yaz helped her Nani first, then slung the bag of gifts over one shoulder and the Doctor took her arm. Together, the three of them made their way up the slight hill a little awkwardly, Yaz trying not to show how difficult it was to keep control over her Nani’s chair with the Doctor braced on one arm and willing Sonya to hurry up. Eventually Sonya slouched over casually to help and Yaz resisted the urge to roll her eyes at her sister.

“Happy Christmas!” came the cheerful shout from her family as they arrived at the flat. Yaz felt the Doctor jump slightly at the sudden, unexpected noise and Yaz squeezed her hand.

“My room will be empty and quiet all day if you need a break” Yaz reminded her quietly as they stood by the doorway removing their shoes. Yaz put on her comfy old slippers but the Doctor went for bare feet as usual. Najia always told her it was fine for her to wear her usual boots in the house but she always felt it was a respect thing, everyone else took their shoes off and so could she, she just couldn’t wear idiotically flimsy slippers. As usual it took her a few minutes to wrestle the shoe off of her stupid plastic foot and then she had to concentrate extra hard on walking without falling over because her foot was designed to be worn with shoes.

Yaz and the Doctor were received with hugs from everyone except Sonya and then Umbreen ushered Yaz into the living room for a catch up while Sonya was pulled back into the kitchen to help with the cooking.

After checking that there was nothing she could do to help, the Doctor followed Yaz into the living room. Yaz had helped her Nani into a seat on the sofa which was more comfortable than her wheelchair and then left to put the kettle on. The Doctor had gone to sit in the armchair but Umbreen had pulled her over to sit with them and immediately turned her attention to her.

She took the Doctor’s hands in her own. “How are you Doctor?”

The Doctor felt uncomfortable under such intense scrutiny. “I’m fine thanks” she replied cheerfully.

Umbreen just watched her, waiting patiently.

“I’m okay, really. Not amazing yet. Still having nightmares and such but more good days too.”

“As long as the good days outnumber the bad days then life is worth living. But even when they don’t as long as you’re aiming for those good days then things will work out. You are a very special person Doctor, you make Yasmin so happy.”

“She makes me so happy. She’s one of the most incredible people I’ve ever met, there aren’t many people who would have stuck with me this year.”

“Anyone who can’t see you through your worst absolutely doesn’t deserve you at your best. Don’t forget that.” She said, patting the Doctor’s knee.

Before the Doctor had time to formulate a response Yaz, followed by the rest of her family, appeared in the room. Yaz sat on the floor, resting her head against the Doctor’s knee. Hakim took the armchair and Najia sat beside Umbreen while Sonya joined her sister on the floor. The Doctor turned to speak to Yaz, ignoring Sonya who was rudely staring at her prosthetic sticking awkwardly out of the bottom of her trousers.

 _Suppose it makes a change to Sonya staring at the scars on my face. She would have a cow if she saw the rest of me_ the Doctor thought uncharitably.

“I think it’s time for gifts” announced Hakim excitedly. Najia produced a bag and started handing out gifts. Sonya and Umbreen both received small parcels while Yaz got an envelope and the Doctor got an envelope and a box.

“Your two envelopes go together” Najia explained. Yaz opened hers, in it were two tickets to see Mary Poppins in London along with train tickets while the Doctor’s contained a night in a hotel for a couple of weeks time.

“Thanks Mum!” Yaz said, hugging both of her parents tightly. The Doctor also offered her thanks.

“Don’t forget your box” Najia invited the Doctor.

The Doctor unwrapped the box, slightly embarrassed as everyone watched her open a second thing which no on else had got. Inside it was a pair of slippers. They weren’t the cheap, backless, fuzzy kind everyone else was wearing but they had a proper sole, a back and a Velcro strap to make them secure. And best of all, they were rainbow striped.

“The receipt is in the box so if they’re no good you can take them back but I researched them and they should work okay with a prosthetic. I always feel really bad that you wander around here in bare feet.” Najia explained.

The Doctor couldn’t help but feel emotional at the simple gift. They were more than a pair of slippers, they were an acceptance into the family. She slipped her real foot into one and prepared to battle with her plastic one, it had no ankle and was totally rigid and therefore did not enjoy being forced into shoes, but the slipper opened up so widely that her foot went in with relative ease. And as she got up and crossed the room to hug Najia and shake Hakim’s hand (she can’t quite bring herself to hug him and even shaking his hand is causing her to feel waves of anxiety to roll over her body) in thanks the slippers felt warm, cosy and secure on her feet.

Yaz and the Doctor went next, handing out their gifts. The Doctor felt slightly vindicated when Sonya immediately set the ridiculous stuffed owl on her lap and tucked into a dib-dab lollypop.

When they had all handed out the gifts, everyone was pressed into service for the final preparations for the huge lunch that Hakim (who was now sporting his new apron) had prepared.

The atmosphere around the table was relaxed as they passed around the food. Even Sonya managed to not be rude for the entire meal though it could have been the fact that she was sandwiched between her parents.

When they had finished eating the Doctor volunteered to wash the dishes before they all went out for their traditional Christmas walk. Without being asked Yaz and Sonya rose to help, it was always their job to do the dishes and it was a habit now. The Doctor and Yaz were chatting cheerfully whilst Sonya stuck headphones in her ears to avoid them and went to clean the table, leaving Yaz and the Doctor alone. Honestly, Yaz was embarrassed by her sister’s behaviour now. The Doctor had been a part of Yaz’s life for a long time now and she wasn’t going anywhere. Sonya needed to get over herself and grow up.

Yaz’s thoughts were interrupted by a sudden commotion from the living room and Umbreen shouting for the Doctor. Yaz and the Doctor exchanged concerned glances before dropping what they were doing and rushing to the living room, taking in the scene in front of them.

Sonya was lying on the floor, she appeared to have fallen and hit her head because there was blood trickling from her finger where she was clutching it. Hakim and Najia were hovering over her looking anxious and like they didn’t know what to do and Umbreen was still on the sofa looking slightly sick.

Yaz spun round to get towels and a first aid kit. First aid was now her speciality but her family really didn’t need to know just how good she was plus the Doctor was better. She was _actually_ a Doctor and Yaz could hear her taking charge, ordering Najia and Hakim to lift Sonya into a chair.

Yaz dumped the supplies onto the table beside the Doctor and stood next to her, happy to play assistant. The Doctor grabbed the towel and pressed it firmly to the cut above Sonya’s head, just in her hair line which was bleeding profusely and looked dramatic. Sonya visibly shuddered as the Doctor used the knuckles on her scarred hand to hold the towel, Yaz knew her hand wasn’t dextrous enough anymore to use the flat of her hand like most people would.

The Doctor had sat in a chair so she was eye-level with Sonya and was quizzing her, presumably checking for signs of a concussion but she seemed satisfied with the answers and stood up again to inspect the wound, gently moving her hair out of the way.

“If you were in hospital they might put a stitch in it” she explained “but I would be happy to just use steri-strips and cover it, save you the trip. It’s not too deep so it won’t scar. Choice is yours.”

Yaz could see Sonya deliberating. No one wants to spend hours in A&E, especially at Christmas but equally Sonya clearly didn’t want the Doctor touching her any more than necessary.

“Fine, go ahead” she finally granted. Najia took over the holding of the towel while the Doctor went into the kitchen to properly wash her hands and Yaz pre-opened the packets she would need which she wouldn’t be able to manage without the unhygienic use of her teeth to help

She appeared a few moments later with a bowl of warm water and started dabbing at Sonya’s face, cleaning away the dried blood before using the tiny plasters to stick the edges of the cut together before dressing it and handing Sonya an ice pack Yaz had appeared with.

“It should heal on it’s own okay. Don’t wash your hair for a couple of days and keep your hair out of your face, you don’t want an infection.”

“Eew! I can’t not wash my hair!” Sonya protested, curling her lip in disgust.

The Doctor looked at her coldly. “Infection is what turned my broken leg into amputation and no leg Sonya, it’s not something trivial.”

“Fine, whatever” she muttered.

“Seriously Sonya, do what she says” Yaz groaned.

“Does anyone still fancy that walk?” Umbreen butted in, anxious to prevent a scene between the two sisters who were glaring at each other.

“I’m hurt, I should stay here” Sonya argued quickly before Najia shoved her coat into her arms with a warning glare.

Yaz grabbed her own and the Doctor’s shoes and brought them into the kitchen while the Doctor cleared up the first aid supplies she had used and Najia decided to just get rid of the bloody white towel, deeming it unsalvageable.

“Hey Yaz, how far does your family walk?” The Doctor asked under her breath as Yaz helped her wage war with her foot to get the boot back on.

“Not too far, Nani gets cold easily. Just a tradition but you don’t have to come. I’m happy to stay with you.”

“Do you want to go?”

“Of course I do but it’s more important to me that I’m with you. I know ice is hard for you to walk on.”

“As long as you don’t mind giving me an arm I’ll manage” the Doctor smiled at her, triumphant as her foot finally slid properly into her boot and she could tie the laces. “There’s definitely a reason I only take these off when I’m here” she commented.

“You know you don’t have to take them off Doctor” Hakim told her, he had just walked into the kitchen.

“But then I wouldn’t have got my new rainbow slippers!” she protested.

Their walk in the cold was pleasant and when they got back they sat down for a final cup of tea and a slice of the dessert Yaz and the Doctor had made the night before heading to Ryan and Graham’s. Yaz hugged her family while the Doctor managed a hug for Najia and Umbreen and a handshake with Hakim. Sonya mysteriously disappeared before she was obligated into any displays of affection.

Before they left the Doctor reverently placed her slippers next to Yaz’s on the shoe rack beside the door.

The Doctor rapped loudly with the lion head shaped door knocker on Ryan and Graham’s door. Ryan answered almost immediately, clad in a garish Christmas jumper with flashing lights.

“What the hell are you wearing?” Yaz asked, laughing as she pulled him into a hug.

“You think this is bad you should see Graham’s!” he replied, inviting them into the living room where the tree was shimmering with tinsel, there were fairy lights around the hearth, ceiling, windows and tree, a loud Christmas CD playing and all the smells of a traditional Christmas dinner wafting into the room from the kitchen.

Yaz raised her eyebrows in disbelief. “Nan loved Christmas. She managed to decorate a bit more tastefully though. Grandad and I couldn’t make it look like she did…” he trailed off and Yaz wrapped him in a tight hug, vaguely aware that the Doctor had disappeared up the stairs.

“She would just be happy that the two of you are celebrating together” Yaz told him.

“I know, thanks Yaz… is she okay?” he asked, gesturing towards the ceiling.

“Think all the flashing lights, the smells and the noise all at once were probably a bit overloading for her. If she’s not down in a minute one of us can go check on her.”

“Should I turn them off?”

Yaz shook her head. “At the risk of sounding like her carer and not her girlfriend, she needs to tell you if she has a problem. If she’s aware enough to remove herself from the situation then she’s aware enough to figure out how to rectify it. If she was screaming on the floor then I would say turn them off.”

“Is she still doing that?” asked Ryan, immediately concerned.

“Sometimes. We’re exploring the world of PTSD flashbacks now which is new.” She admitted slowly. “I’m going to go say hi to Graham.” Yaz said, changing the subject abruptly.

Graham was crouched down in front of the oven and Yaz put the dessert in the fridge before hauling him to his feet and hugging him. “You okay?” Yaz asked him.

“It’s a bit strange love, not going to lie to you. But Grace would be so mad at me if she thought Ryan or I were moping.”

“I wasn’t privileged enough to know Grace well, but I know she would be really proud of you Graham. Of both of you.”

“Thanks love. Nice of you to say.” He looked around. “Did you forget the Doc?”

“Hiding upstairs somewhere, probably your bathroom. There’s a lot of… stimulation in your living room.”

Graham nodded in understanding. “Dinner will be a little while, I’ll make tea. You go extract her from…”

“… from herself” Yaz finished for him, smiling and patting him on the arm. “Dinner smells amazing by the way” she said over her shoulder.

Yaz made her way upstairs and as she had suspected the bathroom door was shut and locked. She knocked lightly.

“It’s only me, can I come in?”

There was no answer and Yaz knocked again. “Doctor if you don’t answer me with one words one way or another I will unlock this door from the outside.”

Still no answer.

Yaz fished a coin out of her pocket and unlocked the bathroom door, pushing it open slowly. The Doctor was wedged in the gap between the toilet and the bath. Yaz looked at her and crouched down opposite her.

“How you doing down there?”

“I’m okay Yaz.”

“So what now?”

“I need to go downstairs and ask Ryan to turn the lights off and the music down.”

“Yep” Yaz answered.

“Hey Yaz?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I might be stuck” she said, frustrated as she wriggled but unable to find any traction on the slippery mat that Graham had on his floor.

Yaz resisted the temptation to laugh at her but held out both hands and heaved the Doctor to her feet, following her down the stairs.

Graham’s food was incredible as always, they were all handed plates full of turkey, ham, roasted potatoes, cheese cauliflower, roasted vegetables, sprouts, mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, rings of pineapple with large glasses of shloer for the Doctor and Yaz who didn’t drink and beer for the boys.

They pulled Christmas crackers and cracked up at the Doctor who couldn’t manage to keep hers on her head at all, it kept slipping down over her eyes like she was a small child.

“You must have a really small head Doc!” teased Graham.

The Doctor pouted. “It’s no smaller than Yaz’s!”

“Hey!” protested Yaz from the other side of the table. “I don’t have a small head.”

“Nah, you’re just cheating, using your hair to hold it on” Ryan pointed out.

“Hey Doc, why do you keep staring at my Christmas tree like it’s going to eat you?” asked Graham suddenly.

“Because every time I celebrate Christmas something ridiculous happens and not that long ago in earth years that was me and my friends getting almost killed by a Christmas tree and a plastic Santa.” She explained matter of factly.

“Of course it was. Don’t know why I bother to ask sometimes.” Graham muttered to himself.

Ryan and Yaz took that as their cue to clear the table while Graham went in search of the Monopoly set.

“We always play after Christmas dinner to procrastinate from the dishes. Graham always loses and I always win.” Ryan explained.

“Not anymore! You’re going down!” the Doctor said, a competitive glint in her eye.

“Doctor have you ever played Monopoly before?” Graham asked.

“Nope!”

Ryan hooted with glee as he started dolling out the money while Yaz buried her head in her hands and stifled a groan. This could not end well.


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this is double the length it normally is. 
> 
> Thank-you for your support after the last chapter. Some parts of this are angsty which kind of reflect my own mental health but I tried to inject some fluff too. 
> 
> I'm toying with the idea of the Doctor meeting one of her old companions/acquaintances. If there's someone you would like to see, leave me a note in the comments for who you think it should be and how you think they and/or the Doctor will react. Can be anyone from new or classic Who except the Master (I have other plans for him...)!

“I wish you could spend New Years with us” the Doctor moaned.

“Me too, but I got Christmas Day off, this is my penance.”

“You worked boxing day.”

“I did, but I get tomorrow off. It’s what I signed up for Doctor. And it’s likely to be a busy night. I’m on regular patrol to start the night off but unfortunately a lot of alcohol means my unit is likely to be busy so I’ll probably get pulled off the street fairly early.”

“I worry about you when you say stuff like that.”

“I know you do, but I do everything I can to stay safe.”

“I know you do.” She said, unconsciously echoing her girlfriend’s words.

“I’ll text you if I get the chance. But if I haven’t texted it doesn’t mean somethings wrong, it just means we’re slammed.”

“Is Jennifer working tonight?”

“She’s the boss so she gets out of patrol but she's on call so if something goes down, we call her in.”

“At least she gets some sleep.”

“What have you lot got planned without me?” Yaz asked, wisely changing the subject. They had both been invited to Ryan and Graham’s to bring in the New Year.

“Think they’re ordering in an Indian and then going to see the fireworks. Ryan’s going out with his mates after that but Graham and I are going back to his.”

“Are you okay with that?” Yaz asked carefully.

“I’ll be fine Yaz but thanks for asking.”

“And you’re still staying there overnight?”

“Yep, haven’t slept on that comfy sofa for ages!”

“They have a spare bed you know.”

“But I love that sofa! First place this body ever slept!”

Yaz rolled her eyes in response. “I’ll be over late morning once I’ve had a sleep for some lunch and then we’re going to the beach with my family.”

“Remind me why we’re going to the beach, in England, on the 1st January.”

“I do a Polar Bear swim with the police department every year to raise money for the Care of Police Survivors. You can always join me you know!”

“There is absolutely no way I am joining you Yaz. I will cheer for you from somewhere where I won’t get sand in my leg, with a flask of hot tea for when you’re done.”

“I can live with that” Yaz said, kissing her. “Could you stick the pizza in the oven for me? I’m going to go and get dressed for work.”

Yaz disappeared upstairs to have a quick shower and put her uniform on. She arrived back with her damp hair around her shoulders, body armour and boots in hand just as the Doctor was slicing the pizza up for her.

Yaz ate her dinner quickly, they were running a little late, before grabbing her brush and binding her hair tightly in a French plait and winding it into a bun.

“I love watching you do that” the Doctor sighed, watching Yaz admiringly. She grabbed Yaz’s plate to wash up while Yaz pulled on her work boots and strapped on her body armour and the big work coat she had that fitted over the top.

“You got everything?” Yaz asked her.

“Yeah ready to go. Don’t forget your hat!”

Yaz wheeled round and grabbed her hat from the end of the bannister, ramming it on her head and shoving a few bobby pins in it so she wouldn’t lose it before giving the Doctor her arm as they stepped out into the icy night.

When they arrived at Ryan and Graham’s, Yaz walked the Doctor up to their door. They had eight, uneven steps with no handrail that were slippy on the best of days. The Doctor struggled with them on a good day. Yaz gave both men a hug, wishing them a Happy New Year before sharing a kiss with her girlfriend.

“Take care” Yaz called, hurrying back to her car. She would be lying if she wasn’t slightly anxious about the Doctor’s decision to go to the fireworks – lots of people, lots of base noise, lots of random explosions but she was an adult and could make her own decisions. Plus, Ryan and Graham would be with her. Yaz hated that she still had to think about the Doctor like that, as someone who could be considered anything less than completely capable but then again she had never been particularly good at taking care of herself even before she had met the Mhufiest.

“It takes a while for food to arrive on New Years because they’re so busy” Ryan explained to the Doctor “So we went ahead and ordered but we got a selection to share. Hope that’s okay.”

“I’m sure its fine.”

“He’s just hoping we leave him enough for when he comes in drunk in the middle of the night” Graham countered.

“Nah, that’s what the dodgy chip shop on the corner is for… the leftovers are hangover food for tomorrow!”

“As long as you come in and come in quietly, I don’t care. I was young once too.” Graham replied.

“Did you get up to stupid stuff as a teenager?” asked Ryan curiously, looking at the Doctor.

“We aren’t really teenagers in the same way humans are” she replied thoughtfully. “I mean obviously I was physically those ages but that’s really still considered infancy for us. I stole the TARDIS when I was… 236, and I was considered young and rebellious then though I had grey hair and a cane. Mind you it was a fashion accessory back then. I think I looked older then than I ever have since. Even older than the white-haired Scotsman that came before this face.”

They were interrupted by the arrival of the food and the Doctor only jumped slightly at the sudden ring of the doorbell. She and Ryan went into the kitchen to grab plates, cutlery and drinks which they put on the round pine table in the living room window.

The food was nice and the Doctor managed to eat it without adorning it with anything weird. Ryan was happy because he was able to dish up a large plate of leftovers for the next day. With their food eaten the three of them washed up quickly and wrapped up against the cold night air to head into town for the celebrations. Graham had explained to the Doctor there would be food stands, entertainers, rides and music which would culminate in the firework display.

The Doctor stepped outside, and almost instantly felt her foot skidding on the ice though she managed to catch herself on the door frame.

_Just ask for help you idiot. They’re your friends. You know ice is a pain in the backside. And Yaz will definitely say ‘I told you so’ if you fall on your ass because you didn’t ask._

“Hey Ryan?”

“Yeah?”

“Would it be okay if I took your arm? I’m not so great on ice.” She asked tentatively. “It’s okay if you don’t want to. I know you’re meeting your friends and I don’t want to embarrass you” she rambled on, staring at her feet.

Ryan looked surprised. “Course you can” he offered her his arm as if to link with hers and she gently pushed his arm back in to his side so she could take a proper hold of his elbow instead.

“Just don’t forget that I’m dyspraxic though okay? Not that great with ice either.”

“I trust you Ryan. I’m just a bit skiddy on ice.”

“Skiddy?” he asked, eyebrows raised.

“I made it up.”

“Course you did.” He replied affectionately.

“Ryan!”

“Mate! You made it!”

“Oooh you brought a date?”

“That’s my sisters girlfriend you moron.”

Ryan could hear his friends shouting at him from behind before they launched themselves at him. He felt the Doctor freeze and go stiff beside him and he patted her hand gently.

“Just my mates, relax” he said in a low voice that only she would be able to hear before turning round to address his friends.

“Hey guys! This is my friend the Doctor and you know Graham. Doctor this is Tibo and Billy and you know Ethan and Sonya.”

The Doctor let go of his arm as Sonya sidled up to Ryan. She looked at her feet, feeling Tibo and Billy staring at her and judging by the look on Sonya’s face, she didn’t know the Doctor would be there.

“Hey Doc, I really fancy one of those hot doughnuts I can smell, you want one.” Graham asked, correctly interpreting her sudden silence.

“Sounds great” she replied, smiling at him gratefully for the escape.

“I’ll come find you for the fireworks later guys okay?” asked Ryan.

“Yeah see you later” Graham called, already following the Doctor over to the doughnut van where she was ordering two paper cones filled with mini powdered doughnuts and drizzled with chocolate and caramel sauce.

By the time Graham had joined her she had nabbed a bench for the two of them to sit at where they could people watch, one of Graham’s favourite pass times while the Doctor eulogised over the doughnuts. She was already practically vibrating in her seat from all the sugar and Graham was remembering why Yaz didn’t tend to buy sweet stuff for the house when it was her turn to shop. The Doctor on a sugar high was akin to a particularly annoying four year old.

“Hey Doc, the ground is pretty well salted here, fancy a walk?” Graham asked as she licked the caramel sauce from her fingers. If she was going to be spending the night in his living room she needed to walk off some of the energy she was amassing otherwise he would come down the next morning to find half his house rewired or the TV only streaming channels from Russia or Jupiter or something equally ridiculous.

“Oh lets go see what else is here!” she agreed excitedly, striding off almost immediately. Graham watched her go for a moment before hurrying to catch up with her. Without the ice to hinder her, you couldn’t tell she had a prosthetic leg hiding under her trousers any more.

The Doctor turned round to look at him. “Are you going to stare at me all night or are you coming?”

“Sorry Doc” he apologised, hurrying to catch up with her and then falling into step with her as they walked around the edge of the park at a leisurely pace.

“Have you made any New Years resolutions?” he asked her.

“Haven’t really thought about it. I suppose if I was going to try and promise myself something, I would try to be happy. I’ve cried enough this year for a whole regeneration. For several regenerations really and honestly I’m tired of it. What about you Graham?”

“That’s really nice. My resolution this year was to spend more time with Ryan which I’ve done but I think I’m going to keep it for another year. We live together now but when he starts university he might move out. I’m not really his grandad, he has no obligation to keep in touch.”

“Family isn’t just blood Graham. You’re very important to him, even if he moves out he won’t just stop talking to you. I didn’t have the privilege to know Grace very well but I know she would be so happy that you’ve become so close.”

“Yeah she would.” His voice wobbled slightly as it always did when he spoke of his wife. “It’s nearly midnight, shall we go and meet Ryan for the fireworks?” he asked her.

“This is how you know you won’t lose touch you know. Ryan’s on a night out with his friends but he’s interrupting it to come and bring in the new year with you.”

“With both of us Doc” he reminded her as he led the way to the area near the car park where they had arranged to meet.

The Doctor could feel a warm glow in her chest. She had called them her _fam_ for a long time, but now, they really were her family.

The Doctor had felt as calm as she ever did out in public walking around the outskirts of the park with Graham but when they arrived at the meeting point she felt her anxiety rise. Ryan and his mates were already there and they had had a couple of drinks. They were noisy and excited and it was a bit much though Ryan himself seemed sober. He appeared to be looking after Sonya who the Doctor knew would be in serious trouble if she went home as drunk as she looked to be right now, giggling and draping herself all over Ryan who seemed a little embarrassed by her behaviour.

The countdown started, rippling through the park.

_Ten… Nine… Eight… Seven… Six… Five… Four… Three… Two… One… HAPPY NEW YEAR!_

All of a sudden people were hugging and kissing each other, a loud chorus of Auld Lang Syne had broken out and above them fireworks were exploding above their head, lighting up the sky.

_She felt someone wrap her arms around her and unexpectedly there were foreign hands touching her, hugging her from behind. She brushed the hands off her, stumbling away from them._

_Above her the fireworks continued to explode. She could hear them screaming and banging all around her, getting closer and closer._

_Now there was a person screaming. Who was screaming?_

_She pressed her hands against he ears and squeezed her eyes shut._

_She was on the ground._

_When did she end up on the ground?_

_Was the screaming coming from her?_

_Smoke._

_She could smell smoke again._

_Here it comes._

_You should have just done what we asked you know._

_Sometimes I think she just likes punishment._

_She could feel the cattle prod as it was jammed into her belly._

_Smell the smoke as her own flesh was charred._

_Felt her muscles flail uncontrollably in response._

Graham watched in dismay as the Doctor doubled over. She was screaming and shouting something in Gallifreyan, her eyes squeezed shut and her hands clamped over her ears. She sank slowly to the ground, instantly curling up in the foetal position and wrapping her arm around her head protectively.

Graham dropped to his knees and grabbed her shoulders, shaking her hard.

“Hey Ryan!” hooted one of his mates. “Your friends gone nuts over there. Has she had a few too many?”

Ryan wheeled around, taking in the sight that was on the floor. He passed a drunken Sonya into Tibo’s arms who was at least reasonably sober before dropping down beside Graham.

The Doctor was still screaming, fighting Graham off her.

“What do we do?”

“I don’t know, Yaz always does this stuff.”

“Doc? Can you hear me? We need to get you out of here” Graham said, shouting to be heard over her screams.

He wrapped his arms around her waist tightly to pull her up and get to the car. He managed to drag her halfway up before she bucked violently in his arms. Graham dropped her in surprise. She hit the ground hard, her limbs jerking, a dreadful sound coming from her throat and a string of white foam dribbling from her mouth.

“Ryan call Yaz, I think she’s having a seizure.” Graham shouted, looking at the Doctor helplessly. Ryan’s friends had disappeared though Sonya was still watching.

Ryan dialled with shaking hands.

“She’s with a victim and can’t be disturbed. They’ll get her to call us when she's free.”

“Doc it’s gonna be okay. You’re fine. You’re gonna be fine” Graham said, his voice shaking as he tried to soothe her. Ryan pulled off his jacket and tucked it under her head which she was slamming into the ground repeatedly as she fitted.

“She’s already got brain damage, let’s not make it worse” he explained in answer to Graham’s unanswered question.

The Doctor continued to seize violently as Ryan, Graham and Sonya watched, unable to do anything but watch.

After what felt like several hours but in reality was more like two to three minutes the Doctor’s limbs stilled. She took a huge gasp of air and promptly vomited before her eyes rolled back in her head and she passed out.

“We have to get her out of here before we attract any more attention. Can you carry her?” Graham asked.

Ryan nodded. “Help me get her up.”

Graham rolled her onto her back and pulled her up by her shoulders. Ryan wrapped one arm around her back and the other under her knees, picking her up and holding her close.

“Let’s go, if she wakes up and freaks out again I won’t be able to hold her.” Ryan said urgently as he adjusted his hold. “Graham, go ahead and unlock the car.”

The Doctor’s head lolled back uncomfortably. “Sonya, put her head on my shoulder” Ryan ordered, annoyed at how she was standing there being about as helpful as a chocolate teapot. He was thoroughly cross with her when her nose wrinkled slightly as she touched the Doctor’s scarred face and tucked it into Ryan’s shoulder before she started giggling.

“What the hell can you possibly be finding to laugh about now?” he asked angrily.

“Just the way her leg is sticking up like a soldier to attention” she replied drunkenly, staggering after them.

Ryan took a deep breath, Sonya was really winding him up now. It was definitely a good thing he was responsible for holding the Doctor right now which gave him something else to concentrate on. He liked Sonya a lot but her attitude to the Doctor was waring and when she drank she was downright unpleasant.

Ryan and Graham worked together to get the Doctor into the car. Graham got into the front to drive and Sonya sat beside him in the front passenger seat. Ryan was in the back with the Doctor’s head in his lap, holding her on her side in case she was sick again.

Graham drove as fast as he could, anxious to have her in the peace and privacy of the house for when she woke up.

“Her hearts are really fast and her breathing is shallow” Ryan commented, his fingers at the base of her throat.

As soon as they got home, Ryan and Graham manhandled the Doctor inside and carefully deposited her on the sofa. She was a mess. Her top and hair were covered in vomit, her scarf had somehoe ended up tucked town the back of her under shirt. her trousers were wet and she was covered in mud head to foot.

“Now what?” asked Ryan, staring at her powerlessly.

“Get her a blanket. Let her sleep it off.”

Ryan nodded. “You get her the blanket. I’m going to make Sonya a coffee, her parents will kill her if they see her in this state.

The Doctor was moaning and crying out in her sleep. Her brow was deeply furrowed and she twisted away from whatever was happening in her head.

Ryan propped Sonya up at their kitchen table with a strong mug of coffee while Graham sat vigil over the Doctor, watching her, his insides churning.

It was gone 6am. The Doctor had become increasingly agitated throughout the night though she hadn’t regained consciousness. Ryan had moved Sonya to his bed to sleep it off and joined Graham in his silent vigil. Graham was now sat in the arm chair, dozing lightly but Ryan couldn’t sleep.

Watching her like this was terrifying. He hadn’t felt so powerless since the night she had crash landed in the garden. He didn’t know how Yaz managed all this stuff, she didn’t talk about it much.

Suddenly the Doctor’s eye sprang open. She catapulted herself off the sofa with a shriek, backing away from Ryan who had stood up to help her. She shouted at him in Gallifreyan as she backed herself into the corner between the sofa and the wall, allowing her prosthetic to drag along the floor like she had forgotten how to use it.

She kept flinching and twitching, crying out in response to whatever pain she thought was happening.

Ryan sat opposite her, watching her sadly and trying to talk to her the way he had seen Yaz do. She was curled up into a tight knot, protecting herself. It reminded him of the night she had woken up before her amputation and punched him in the face when he got too close.

Although he couldn’t understand what she was saying, it sounded like she was pleading with him and he was reluctant to get too close to her.

“Graham call the station and ask for Yaz again. Tell them it’s a family emergency. Then text her and tell her what’s happening. There’s less than an hour left of her shift, but we can’t leave her like this for that long.”

Graham disappeared into the kitchen to make the call, nodding at Sonya who had appeared from upstairs, woken up by the Doctor’s screams. Graham dreaded to think what the neighbours thought of it.

To Graham’s intense relief, Yaz answered the phone at the station.

“Yaz! It’s Graham. We need you here now.”

Yaz’s heart clenched in fear. “Why? What’s happened?”

“The Doc completely freaked out at the firework display. She collapsed and had a seizure and has only just regained consciousness. Now she’s completely disassociating, doesn’t know who or where she is or who we are. Thinks we’re torturing her.”

Yaz was already signalling for someone to come and take over the desk. “Graham I’ll be with you as soon as I can. Keep talking to her, don’t touch her unless she gives you consent and stay where she can you.”

Half an hour later Yaz tapped lightly on the door, not wanting to freak the Doctor out any further if she was still disassociating. The door was instantly answered by Graham who ushered her inside.

Yaz was already pulling off her coat and top layers of her uniform, and the pins from her hair so she looked more like herself. She could hear the Doctor crying from the living room.

“The crying started about fifteen minutes ago.” Graham explained. “Whatever torture she was reliving is over but I think she’s still reliving the aftermath. It’s hard to tell, she’s not speaking English again.”

“Thanks Graham” Yaz said smiling at him tiredly. It had been a long shift.

Yaz walked into the living room, Graham behind her. Ryan looked thoroughly relieved to see her and hugged her tightly before he and Graham went into the kitchen where Sonya was still waiting to give them some privacy. Ryan deliberately left the door open. He still remembered the punch.

Yaz moved slowly into the Doctor’s line of sight and knelt down so she wasn’t looming over her.

“Doctor it’s Yaz. You’re safe. I’m not going to hut you. You’re safe.”

The Doctor turned her head in Yaz’s direction but she wasn’t focusing.

“Doctor what you’re remembering happened a long time ago. You’re safe now. You’re in Ryan and Graham’s living room. I’m here with you. I’m going to take hold of your hands and we’re going to breathe together. In for five, hold for five and out for five.

As she inched closer Yaz could see that there were deep scratches running down her arms where the Doctor had scratched herself with her nails.

“You’re doing really well” Yaz murmured softly as she continued to breathe in an exaggerated fashion. The Doctor was starting to regain some control over herself. Yaz looked at Ryan who was hovering in the doorway. “Can I have a blanket? The heaviest one you’ve got.”

Ryan looked confused but headed out to the utility room, returning a few minutes later with a thick, rough, woollen blanket which nobody ever used. Yaz put it on the floor beside her.

“Doctor you’re safe. I’ve got you. I’m going to wrap this blanket around you and then I’m going to hold you. It’s just you and me. Ryan and Graham and Sonya are in the kitchen. I’ve got you..” Yaz’s voice was calm as she wrapped the heavy blanket around the other woman’s shoulders before slowly moving in beside her and gathering her tightly in a hug.

“Well done. I’ve got you. You’re safe” she soothed as the Doctor slowly, very slowly relaxed against her.

Yaz continued to hold her tight for another few minutes, rubbing the heels of her hands up and down the Doctor’s arms. She was still shaking. “Do you want to go home?” Yaz asked her.

She felt the Doctor nod and Yaz got to her feet, before helping the Doctor to hers, keeping a firm arm around the other woman’s waist. She wasn’t putting any weight through her prosthetic and Yaz was concerned she could have damaged either it or her leg. But that was something to be looked at in private.

She looked at her sister. “Can you drive us? I’ll sit in the back.”

For once in her life Sonya didn’t argue but headed silently out to the car, Yaz and the Doctor following very slowly. Yaz was still talking to the Doctor quietly.

When they got home ten minutes later the Doctor had started to calm. She wasn’t talking yet but the constant trembling had stopped though her muscles were still betraying and spasming out of her control randomly.

“Come on love” Yaz encouraged, keeping hold of her hand. “Let’s get you a shower. Then we can both get some sleep.”

Yaz got her as far as the bathroom and gently deposited her on the toilet seat. “You get in the shower. I’ll get you some pyjamas. Back in a minute.” She gently cupped the Doctor’s face with her hand and brushed her hair back from her face. “I love you” she reminded her.

Yaz hurried downstairs, Sonya was standing awkwardly in the living room. “There’s blankets and pillows under the coffee table. Text mum and tell her where you are. I’ll be up in a couple of hours. I’m too tired to talk about it now, you can ask me later. Once she’s out of the bathroom it’s all yours, you might want to shower before mum smells you. And thank-you for driving us.”

Yaz disappeared back into the bedroom where she quickly changed into her own pyjamas before closing their blackout curtains, turning on the electric blanket and grabbing the Doctor’s pyjamas and crutches.

She knocked lightly on the bathroom door and let herself in. The Doctor was still sitting on the toilet where Yaz had left her, making no move to get into the shower. Yaz crouched in front of her.

“Come on Doctor, you need a shower. Your pyjamas are warming on the radiator. I’ll help you get started.”

Yaz quietly talked about what she was doing as she pulled the Doctor’s filthy clothes off her and set the shower to the nice temperature. She guided the Doctor in by the elbows under the warm stream of water, relieved when she seemed to reanimate a little more under the water.

Satisfied that she was safe Yaz took the Doctor’s clothes downstairs and put them into soak in the utility room sink. Sonya was already snoring loudly on the sofa with abandon, the blanket fallen on the floor. Yaz pulled off her shoes and tucked her back in.

By the time she got back upstairs, the Doctor had finished in the shower and had taken herself back into the bedroom. She had put her glasses on and had a book on her lap though she wasn’t reading it.

“How you doing Doctor?” Yaz asked her, climbing in beside her.

The Doctor nodded in response.

“Will you be alright if I get a couple of hours sleep?”

The Doctor nodded again. She put the book down and lay down beside Yaz.

“You don’t need to sleep just because I am you know.”

The Doctor nodded for a third time but she lay down beside Yaz anyway, moving in so she was lying close. Yaz wrapped her in her arms tightly, burying her head in the Doctor’s neck, breathing in the smell that was uniquely hers.

Yaz managed a couple of hours sleep and woke up shortly before her alarm went off after Sonya dropped something in the kitchen. The Doctor was still sleeping. She didn’t look particularly peaceful but she wasn’t in the grips of a nightmare either so Yaz left her to go and have a shower and get dressed in the warm orange jumper with a white star on it that she had worn in the warehouse the day the Doctor had accidentally kidnapped them.

“Morning” Yaz greeted the Doctor, seeing she was awake as she towel dried her hair.

“Hi Yaz.”

“Pretty sure Sonya is cooking, you want breakfast?”

The Doctor just stared at her.

_How can she be so normal? How can she go on like she didn’t have to go and rescue your useless ass again. Like you didn’t totally embarrass yourself and Ryan… Ryan is going to be so mad at you for behaving like that in front of his mates. Sonya’s going to think your even more useless now. She’s going to tell Yaz to leave you._

“Doctor? Breakfast?” Yaz prompted.

“Yeah, I’ll be down in a minute. Let me get dressed.”

Yaz was very impressed when she arrived in the kitchen to find that Sonya was just finishing making poached eggs and cheese on brown toast and there were three mugs of tea on the table.

“Are you going to tell me what the hell is wrong with your girlfriend now?” asked Sonya.

“There’s nothing wrong with her.” Yaz argued defensively.

“Yaz I was there remember? She started screaming and then had some kind of fit and then all that talking in another language and the meltdown this morning? You practically had to carry her up the stairs. That’s not normal.”

“She was tortured. Now she has PTSD. The fireworks triggered a flashback. The seizure was her brain’s way of protecting her from things she can’t process. It used to happen pretty much every day, now it’s every few weeks. She’s doing really well Sonya, and I love her very much.”

Yaz picked up the mugs of tea and brought them through to the living room table, asking her sister to bring the breakfast through.

“What’s wrong with the bar in the kitchen? Now you just have to carry everything in and out.”

“The Doctor will still, for a lack of a better expression, have a ‘hangover’ from last night. It can cause her brain to send confused messages to her muscles and they twitch out of her control. She’ll probably use her wheelchair so she doesn’t fall trying to use her leg and she can’t reach the bar very well from her chair. If we’re already eating in here then it’s no big deal.”

“Why do you do all this Yaz? Wouldn’t your life be so much easier if you went out with someone with a little less baggage?”

“Of course it would. But I don’t love someone else, I love her. And I would rather have the Doctor in my life with any complications that it brings than not have her in it and my life be simple.” Yaz replied honestly but she was also fairly sure that the Doctor was outside the door. She wasn’t eavesdropping as such but she had much better hearing than a human.

Sonya dusted the toast crumbs from her fingers. “I’m gonna take a shower. Can I borrow…”

“Help yourself. My stuffs on the right hand side of the wardrobe.”

Sonya snorted. “I’m not likely to mix your stuff up with the Doctor’s Yaz. She dresses like a homeless eight year old.”

“Sonya you slept on my sofa. You’re using my shower. Now you want to borrow my clothes. I haven’t told mum how drunk you were last night. Maybe you shouldn’t insult my girlfriend?”

“Whatever” Sonya replied in a sing-song voice heading for the stairs. As soon as she left the room the Doctor appeared, in her wheelchair like Yaz had predicted.

“She didn’t poison it” Yaz said, sliding the last plate of toast across the table to her.

“I wouldn’t put it past her… sorry that was unkind. She’s your sister.”

“How are you feeling this morning?”

“Well I think it’s safe to say you were right about the fireworks.”

“Yeah. They’ll probably go off for a few nights now, we’ll have to find a way of helping you block them out.”

“I suppose… what time are your parents picking us up for the beach?”

“At twelve. It’s a bit of a drive to the beach and it starts at one. We don’t have to go you know.”

“You made a commitment.”

“I did. But I made one to you first. I’m really sorry I couldn’t be with you last night.”

“Don’t be. I’m okay. Bit twitchy but it’ll pass, always does. I don’t really want to talk about it. And we should go. I want to cheer you on. By the way have you seen my phone? I want to ring Ryan and Graham and let them know I’m okay, I think I probably gave them a bit of a fright last night.”

“I plugged it in in the kitchen for you” Yaz replied, neglecting to tell her that she had already spoken to them both that morning.

There was a large crowd assembled around the harbour next to the beach. Yaz was dressed in just her modest navy swim-suit (not _that_ bikini) and dressing gown while everyone else was wrapped up in multiple layers. The Doctor had her clothes in a bag balanced on her lap.

“Are you sure you want to do this Yaz?” asked Najia, looking at the water. It was an uninviting iron grey colour and the marker they had to swim to seemed very far away though in reality was only just over one length of a swimming pool.

“Mum you say this to me every year! It’s worse before hand. Besides the water is warmer than it is here, it’s a couple of degrees above freezing but it’s well below on dry land.”

“But it feels so much colder!” protested Sonya, her teeth chattering.

“You just want to get out of giving me than twenty quid you offered me for sponsorship.”

A whistle blew.

“That’s my cue!” Yaz took off her dressing gown and slid her feet out of her flipflops, handing them to the Doctor and jogging to the jumping off point. The participants would jump in on the next whistle, swim to the marker which was a touch more than fifty meters away and back again. There were several canoes in the water ready to rescue anyone in difficulties, a volunteer ambulance from St Johns and a group from the local press.

Taking her place at the starting line, Yaz turned and gave the Doctor a little wave and pulled down her goggles.

_Three… two… one… PHEEEEEEE_

Yaz jumped. The water was so cold, she took a moment to let her brain catch up with what had just happened before tipping forward and swimming.

_Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming_

That ridiculous tune from Finding Nemo was playing annoyingly through her head as she cut through the water with clean, powerful strokes.

Caring for the Doctor had certainly done wonders for her upper body strength.

Yaz touched the cone. Half way. Her head briefly came out of the water and she could hear the cheers from the crowd.

Yaz flipped in the water and started swimming back. The way back was always easier, her body had adjusted to the cold temperatures of the water.

She looked up. She could just see the TARDIS blue frame of the Doctor’s chair right at the front of the crowd where someone must have let her through.

_Nearly there…_

The harbour wall was looming closer and closer. Yaz adjusted her course for the steps, relief rushing through her body as her fingertips grazed the ladder and she was able to haul herself out.

Instantly the frigid air enveloped her and she started to shiver. She hurried forward where she was greeted by her mum and the Doctor. They had thrown a towel on the ground for her to stand on and were wrapping her up tightly, patting her dry at the same time.

Sonya and Najia held up towels for modesty as Yaz stripped off her wet costume and pulled on the cosy sweats she had brought with her while the Doctor poured her a cup of tea from the flask to start warming her from the inside.

With a wet ground and the benches around them all occupied Yaz ended up sitting on the Doctor’s lap to dry off her feet and put on her fuzzy socks and trainers. She felt slightly like she was taking advantage but before she could stand up the Doctor had wrapped her hands tightly around her waist, drawing her in for a moment.

“I’m so proud of you.” She whispered so no one else would be able to hear her and kissed her lightly on the lips.

“Right!” announced Hakim. “Time for the best chips in England!”

“After I do this we always go to the chippy at the end of the promenade for something to eat and to warm up” Yaz explained in answer to the Doctor’s unanswered question.

Najia had already gathered Yaz’s wet things into a bag along with the now empty flask and Yaz took hold of the Doctor’s hand, walking with her comfortably with her family to enjoy what were apparently the best chips in England.

And at that moment, Yaz couldn’t remember feeling happier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm toying with the idea of the Doctor meeting one of her old companions/acquaintances. If there's someone you would like to see, leave me a note in the comments for who you think it should be and how you think they and/or the Doctor will react. Can be anyone from new or classic Who except the Master (I have other plans for him...)!


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have finally lost the plot. Somehow I managed to spell neck with a silent k (kneck) twice... Yes I do teach young children to spell. Oops!
> 
> Thank, for all your ideas about who should come back and how/why and how they will react to the Doctor as she is and how the Doctor will react to them. I have some ideas but still happy to take thoughts if you have any further suggestions! 
> 
> Comments are very much appreciated, I read them religiously and they make my day!

“Are you alright Jennifer?” Yaz asked. Yaz had just walked into their tiny breakroom affectionately known as the ‘cupboard’ to heat up some pasta from the previous nights dinner for her lunch. Her boss was looking uncharacteristically irritated and had just slammed her phone down onto the table, almost spilling her bowl of soup.

“Sorry Yaz, nothing to worry about. Nothing to do with work.”

“I vent to you about stuff that happens at home all the time” pointed out Yaz. “Feel free to do the same.”

“I’m just frustrated. It’s Lucy’s birthday on Saturday, she’ll be twenty-three. Ever since she was a little girl we’ve gone to the zoo on her birthday. Her dads let us down and the agency that provides her care can’t provide someone on short notice. I know Lucy doesn’t know its her birthday but that’s not the point. It shouldn’t be so hard to take care of your kids.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, can’t you just go on your own?”

“I can but she’s hard work. Her chair is heavy especially with her vent attached and manoeuvring her in and out of bathrooms that aren’t as accessible as they should be, feeding her in a public space, especially if she gets upset can be tricky to keep everything sterile. If she gets overstimulated she needs time to calm down. It’s just hard.”

Yaz knew exactly what she meant. She and the Doctor had less issues with physical accessibility but she was really battling with PTSD at the moment and was liable to freeze or totally shut down whenever Yaz could persuade her to leave the house. And by the very nature of her triggers, which they were both still figuring out, they tended to happen in the most public arenas possible making them all the harder to deal with.

“I would have to ask Jane, but we could come with you if we can help. I’m not a trained carer or anything but I can follow instructions and help you out.”

“That’s very kind of you to offer Yaz but I can’t ask that of you. We can go another time.”

“You’re not asking, I’m offering. Plus, I’m trying to encourage Jane out of the house more. She never leaves unless I suggest it and never goes out on her own. It would be good for her and I could use a day out of the house. And as long as there’s penguins I’m happy. Little known fact, I am obsessed with penguins.”

“I don’t want you to think your boss is taking advantage of you.”

“I don’t. I’m offering. Let us help you out.”

Jennifer paused, thinking up her offer. “Talk to Jane. If she’s comfortable with it then that would be great. Thank-you.”

Yaz wasn’t surprised to find Ryan and the Doctor sprawled across the living room floor when she got home. Ryan’s presentation for his scholarship was less than two weeks away and the fire at the college had really thrown his plans in the works. The two of them had barely stopped for the last week and Ryan was slowly eating them out of house and home.

Yaz dumped the shopping bags on the kitchen bench and went back to the living room, leaning forward to hug the Doctor from behind and kissing her on the cheek.

“Geez guys, get a room” Ryan joked, pulling a face of mock disgust.

“Are you feeling left out Ryan? I could kiss you too?” Yaz offered in a teasing tone.

Ryan looked vaguely disgusted at the suggestion. “Nah you’re alright.”

“More for me then!” the Doctor announced cheerfully, tugging Yaz down so she fell into her lap giggling and returned the kiss.

“Behave” Yaz scolded, elbowing her in the ribs.

“You too are disgusting” Ryan protested, shielding his eyes in mock horror.

Yaz shifted herself so she was sitting on the Doctor’s lap more comfortably. She didn’t have her prosthetic on so Yaz didn’t have to worry about potentially damaging it or her leg underneath it.

“Got any grand plans for tonight Ryan?” Yaz asked, resting her head against the Doctor’s shoulder.

“Trying to spend more time with Grandad. He’s been a bit down lately.”

“Is everything okay?” Yaz sat up straight, she knew he had had a few appointments at the hospital recently though he hadn’t mentioned how they had gone one way or another.

“I don’t know” Ryan admitted slowly. “He’s not said anything but he’s a pretty stoic guy. Even when Nan died I never saw him cry, he used to go and hide and thought I didn’t know.”

Yaz and the Doctor looked at him sympathetically. Like the Doctor, Ryan seemed to have lost almost everyone he had ever loved or who had cared about him. “You’ll let us know if we can do anything won’t you?”

“Course I will. I’m sure it’s nothing. But thanks Yaz.” He smiled but it didn’t quite reach his eyes, Yaz knew he was more worried about Graham than he was letting on.

“So what will you and Graham get up to?” asked the Doctor. She had started fiddling with Yaz’s hair where Ryan couldn’t see it.

“Hadn’t really decided. Think we’ll go bowling and then get something to eat and drinks at the pub probably. Nothing too exciting but he loves bowling and hasn’t gone for ages.”

“Oooh I love bowling!” the Doctor exclaimed.

“Do you want to come?” asked Ryan, bemused at her enthusiasm for the slightly seedy bowling alley that was local to them.

The Doctor looked at Yaz for confirmation with raised eyebrows and Yaz gave her a small nod to show she was game.

“Yeah we’ll come!” the Doctor replied enthusiastically.

They agreed that Ryan would go home, collect Graham and come back for the girls in half an hour or so when Yaz had had time to wash her work day off her.

Ryan gathered his paperwork that was strewn all over the place and the Doctor started picking up what had ended up being most of Yaz’s stationery collection and putting them back in pencil cases while Yaz disappeared upstairs.

“Help me up?” the Doctor asked Ryan, reaching out her hands.

He grasped her elbows tightly and pulled her to her feet where she wobbled slightly before managing to grab the back of the sofa for balance. Ryan handed her her crutches and gave her a brief hug before heading out to his car.

The Doctor finished clearing up the mess she and Ryan had made, hoping that neither Yaz nor the landlord would notice the small blue pen mark on the carpet. She moved the coffee table over a few inches just in case.

By the time the Doctor was done clearing up and putting the shopping away Yaz had appeared downstairs. She had changed from her work clothes into a pair of jeans and smelled faintly of her avocado shampoo.

“I didn’t get a chance to ask you earlier” Yaz began as she sat on the sofa to put her shoes on. “Jane wants to take Lucy to the zoo on Saturday, but she needs help, I said if you were up for it that we could do it. What do you think?”

“Oh I love the zoo!” she replied excitedly. Yaz was pleased, out of the house socialising twice in a week was great, plus it was really nice to see the Doctor’s big, childish grin being deployed again. She had missed that.

“Hey Yaz, do you think it’s easier to bowl with a prosthetic or from a wheelchair?” she asked, looking confused all of a sudden.

“I don’t know” Yaz replied honestly. “You would need really good balance and strength in your stump to bowl standing up though you’ll struggle to get any swing sitting down I would imagine. Might have to just try it a couple of ways. You could use one of those ramp launch things to launch it from?”

“So I should bring both?” the Doctor asked, looking for clarification. Yaz had given her brain too many options and scenarios to think about at once. But at least now she asked rather than guessing and ending up in a muddle.

“It’s up to you but you’ll figure it out, don’t worry about it. And no matter what, you’ll be better than me, I still have to play with the bumpers up like a little kid and even then I end up with it ending up only hitting one or two pins at a time.”

“I’m sure you’re not that bad Yaz! Remind me how many pins you play with on earth.”

Yaz looked at her with furrowed eyebrows. “Do you know how to bowl Doctor?”

“Course I do, same basic premise on every planet. Some balls, some pins, knock the pins down.”

“That’s the general gist yeah. One ball, ten pins. Bowling alleys here can be pretty noisy here. Loud music, the crashing of the pins, dark but lots of UV lights and strobe lights.”

“Oh. Right. I can do that” she replied, looking worried.

Yaz touched her on the shoulder, making the Doctor look at her. “Yes, you can.”

The Doctor didn’t look convinced. She hated that sensation that she couldn’t really name but it felt like the world was turned up to maximum, too much colour and sound and touch. It made her feel like someone had plugged her into the electrics and was continuously shocking her at a low voltage. Her body acted like it too. And it nearly always led to an embarrassing panic attack or worse, a flashback and then someone, usually Yaz, had to scoop her up off the floor. Again.

If the Daleks could see _The Oncoming Storm_ now.

It would certainly be a short fight, if they all started shouting at her at once she would probably end up shaking on the floor instead of pulling some sort of stunt to get out of there or buy time.

She lent forward, hugging herself tightly, unnerved by the thought.

Yaz stood up and holding her elbows, guided her to the sofa and sat next to her, one hand on her back.

“Doctor, there aren’t going to be any daleks in the bowling alley.”

The Doctor hadn’t even realised she’d said that out loud.

“I know.”

“You can handle an evening in a bowling alley Doctor. I know you can.”

“But what if I can’t?”

“We’ll be with you the whole time. And I won’t let it get as bad as it was on New Year, if you’re struggling let me know and I’ll get you out of there, no questions asked. I promise. I don’t make promises I can’t keep, you know that.”

“Yeah I do” she whispered. She looked marginally more relaxed and Yaz slung an arm around her shoulder in a half hug.

Yaz’s phone beeped and she read the message from Ryan. He would be with them in about fifteen minutes, he had booked a lane and Yaz was impressed at his thoughtfulness, he had specifically booked the lane right at the far end so there wouldn’t be people walking past them and there would only be other bowlers on one side.

“Do you need anything before we go out?” Yaz prompted as the Doctor seemed to be content with staying exactly where she was.

“What… oh yeah I do.” She pulled herself up, found her balance and headed up the stairs, presumably to find her prosthetic which was leaning against her side of the bed. She didn’t tend to wear it around the house unless she was working in the kitchen or garage, preferring her crutches or just making do as she was. Yaz vaguely wondered what she would do on the TARDIS which was so much bigger. It was more than big enough to accommodate her wheelchair with ease but she wouldn’t be able to reach the controls as easily and the front castors would probably get stuck in the grating that made up the floor. Actually her prosthetic and crutches would be liable to do that too. Maybe the TARDIS would cover it for her if it was as sentient as she always claimed?

“Alright Yaz?” asked the Doctor, arriving back in the living room and interrupting her thoughts. She had put on her leg but was sitting in her wheelchair and she had retied her ever present scarf. She never took it off unless she in bed or the shower, hiding her scars from the world and herself.

“Yeah I’m fine” Yaz assured her, plastering a smile on her face. “I love you, you know that don’t you?”

“Of course I do. I love you too.”

There was a honk outside and the Doctor handed Yaz her coat, heading out to the car where Ryan and Graham were waiting. It didn’t take long to get to the bowling alley. It was part of a leisure park, an area full of the standard chain restaurants, the bowling alley, cinema, trampoline park, gym, pool and ice rink and was packed with couples, groups and families of all ages. There was accessible parking but on the far side unfortunately. The ground was icy and Ryan took hold of the back of the Doctor’s chair to help her steer, her castors were already going all over the place.

As Yaz had warned, the bowling alley was hot, noisy and had flashing lights all over the place while the lanes were lit with UV lights. The Doctor made it as far as getting through the doors before freezing stock still, unable to go any further. Her hands were bunched into fists, her eyes jammed shut and her breathing was rapid and shallow, she was on the verge of a panic attack.

Yaz knelt down beside her, placing one hand on her thigh and the other on her shoulder. “Do you want to go?” she asked.

The Doctor managed to shake her head.

There was a group of teenage boys behind them, trying to get through the doors. They were staring at her and were not particularly patient.

“Uhhh Doc” interrupted Graham “you’re kind of in the way there, do you want to move over a little.”

The Doctor let out a low groan in response clutching her head with her hands, prompting the teenagers who were still stuck behind them to start laughing and pointing. Yaz glared at them. If they tried anything she wasn’t happy with she would arrest them on the spot.

“Doctor, I’m going to move you over to the side. There’s a space where we can just sit for as long as you need and you can decide what you want to do.” Yaz explained, standing up and moving the Doctor’s chair for her when it became clear she wasn’t going to do it of her own volition.

As soon as she stopped moving the Doctor reached out, grabbing Yaz’s hand with impressive accuracy considering her eyes were still shut. Yaz was relieved to see that her breathing was steady, if a little fast, and she wasn’t shaking.

“You’re doing great” Yaz said calmly as the Doctor worked on opening her eyes slowly, taking in the assaulting visual stimulus slowly so she didn’t become completely overwhelmed again.

Ryan and Graham were standing in front of them, affording the Doctor a modicum of privacy from the curious stares of the other patrons.

Graham watched with interest. He had been impressed with the silent communication between the Doctor and his grandson in the car park. Ryan had anticipated that the Doctor would need help and had been able to offer it unobtrusively and now Yaz was instinctively helping her calm herself down before she reached the heights of a full-blown panic attack. They both knew exactly what to do and what to say to her.

Last time the Doctor had needed something from him he had failed so miserably she had had a seizure right there in his arms. Yaz hadn’t said as much but he knew the way he had grabbed at her and shaken her in an attempt to bring her round had only made the situation worse but it had felt like the right thing at the time. It was like no one needed him at all anymore. Ryan would be going off to university and the start of a whole new life soon. Eventually the Doc would manage to recall the TARDIS and she and Yaz would be off again. Then he would be really and truly on his own again like he had been before he met Grace.

Graham could hear Yaz and the Doctor, talking to each other quietly. Apparently she had regained control over herself as the other three were walking over to the front desk to claim their lane and dodgy bowling shoes. Graham trailed slowly after them, vaguely wondering if they would make the Doctor wear the shoes given that she was in her chair and knowing what a pain it was for her to wrestle her uncooperative plastic foot in and out of her boots and indeed any shoes. The three pairs of shoes that landed on the counter answered his question.

One of the attendants who had introduced himself as Mitch led them over to their lane in their socks and they sat down to put on the bowling shoes while Mitch started setting up their lane by typing in their names to the screen that would track their scores. The Doctor was relieved when everyone elected to play with the bumpers up.

“What’s her name?” Mitch asked, inclining his head towards the Doctor but speaking to Ryan.

Ryan glared at him. “Dunno, never met her before. You’ll have to ask her yourself.”

Mitch unbelievably turned to Yaz instead, snapping his chewing gum. “What’s her name?”

“She’s right there, ask her.” Yaz said pointedly, her tone prickly.

When Mitch finally turned to the Doctor she had crossed her legs and was glaring at him, arms folded.

“What’s your name sweetheart?” he asked in a sickly-sweet tone that was more appropriate to a distressed three-year old than an adult on an evening out with friends.

“It’s Doctor to you” she replied, her tone cold and her stare like ice. Yaz knew if the Doctor was looking at her like that she would be running as fast as she could in the other direction. Indeed, Mitch looked like he wanted to and typed her name in quickly, spelling it wrong but not staying long enough to fix it.

The Doctor waited until he had escaped the groups scowls before bursting out laughing. “What a moron” she panted.

Ryan breathed out in relief, it was always a toss up how the Doctor would react to such a situation, especially after her minor freak out at the doors. “I’m first!” he announced cheerfully, picking up a ball and heading off for his turn, scoring a respectable eight over his two turns before passing over to Graham.

The Doctor had decided she was going to have to experiment with how to do this. She went up for her first go in her wheelchair but it was nearly impossible to hold the ball on her lap and push herself forwards effectively at the same time plus the back rest got in the way of her swinging the ball successfully. For her second bowl she walked up but the ball was too heavy for her dodgy balance. Ryan helped her out, steadying her at the elbow. To the Doctor’s delight, Ryan’s strong hands at her elbow was enough to keep her balance and she knocked down six more pins, bouncing up and down in celebration and sticking out her tongue childishly at Ryan when he groaned.

“Doc, how are you always the most childish one in the room?” Graham grumbled “especially when there are actual children present?” he gestured at the closest occupied lane which occupied two remarkably well behaved kids and their parents.

“There’s no point in being a grown up if you can’t be childish sometimes.” She retorted looking over to the family. “Ooooh they have slush puppies! I love slush puppies” she rounded on Yaz accusingly. “How could you not tell me they had slush puppies?”

Bemused, Yaz pointed out the café and she bounded off happily, returning a few minutes later with her tongue poking out in concentration as she carried a tray of four slush puppies and regally put it on the table they were sharing.

“Cheers Doctor!” Ryan said sounding pleased. “Your turn by the way, you want an elbow?”

Pouting slightly that she had to leave the drink behind before she had even had a tastes, the Doctor followed Ryan up to the lane and held his steady arm tightly as she bowled, cheering loudly for herself as she managed to hit nine pins.

The Doctor was impressed with Ryan. Dyspraxia wasn’t something you could recover from but he certainly didn’t let it hold him back the way he had when they had first met. The Ryan she had met after crashing through a train carriage would have been far too self-conscious to offer someone an arm for balance and if asked outright he would probably have refused, too worried he would pull them both over.

By the time they hit the last round, Ryan and the Doctor were neck and neck. Graham was just behind them but wouldn’t manage to catch them even with a strike while Yaz was lagging more than forty points behind, she hadn’t been joking when she had said she was a lousy bowler.

The Doctor was up. She needed a strike to win and her competitive nature was shining through akin to a lighthouse beacon. She was last to bowl and Ryan offered her his arm as he had done all night.

“No way! You might throw me off balance” she said looking scandalised, pulling Yaz to her feet who had been absently sucking on her straw to finish the dregs of her drink.

“I’m not that desperate Doctor! It’s no fun if I don’t beat you fair and square.” Ryan called to her retreating back.

She spun round. “Loser has to buy the drinks?”

“You’re on!”

The Doctor shifted her weight from foot to foot for a moment before selecting a medium weight green ball that she had been favouring all night and heading up to the lane. She eyed it carefully, holding Yaz’s arm tightly and tugging her down and back a bit for better purchase before sending her best swing.

The ball zigzagged off course almost instantly and the Doctor moaned, feeling Ryan getting ready to celebrate behind her. But somehow, miraculously, it had enough just speed and power to hit the front pin at the right angle sending nine pins toppling down, the tenth wobbling precariously. The Doctor watched for a moment before her eye went wide as the stubborn pin toppled almost lazily onto it’s side. The Doctor turned round and gave a theatrical, sweeping bow.

“First round on you Ryan!” she called while he buried his face in his hands.

Half an hour later they had returned their stinky bowling shoes (Mitch had hidden when he had seen them coming) and were settling into a table in the pub beside the leisure park. Ryan went up to the packed bar to order the drinks while Yaz excused herself to visit the ladies.

The Doctor took the opportunity to talk to Graham. “Everything alright, you’ve hardly said a word all night?” she asked, her voice laced with concern.

“Oh yeah, yeah fine thanks Doc.” He protested.

The Doctor looked at him suspiciously. “You know you can talk to us right? If you have a problem. We’re all here for you.”

Graham snorted internally. How could he possibly go and whine to the Doctor about his problems when hers were so astronomically worse. He certainly couldn’t add to Yaz’s plate, she was barely surviving under the weight of the Doctor as it was and Ryan? Well he was worried enough about university and money and his scholarship. Graham didn’t want to add something else to the young man’s shoulders.

Graham realised he had zoned out as the Doctor was now resting her scarred hand on his forearm. He couldn’t help but notice that it was beginning to curl in on itself again.

“Sorry Doc, what was that?” he asked, attempting to rejoin his friends. Ryan had handed them both a drink and he and Yaz had gone to the bar together to collect their drinks.

“I was just asking if there was anything you needed Graham?” the Doctor replied, still looking at him suspiciously.

“Nah I’m fine thanks love, got my beer and some nuts, I’m fine” he insisted.

The Doctor didn’t look convinced as she sipped her orange juice, watching Yaz and Ryan chat to someone who they clearly knew.

A few minutes later they came back to the table and Yaz instantly engaged them in a conversation about the leg Ryan and the Doctor were attempting to build. Graham listened with interest but the Doctor couldn’t help but notice Yaz seemed a little… off.

She looked vaguely absent from the conversation. She was sweating and eyes were heavy and if the Doctor’s ears weren’t deceiving her, Yaz’s heart rate was too fast.

“Yaz are feeling alright?” the Doctor asked looking worried.

Yaz stood up, swaying slightly.

“You know, suddenly I really don’t feel so good” she slurred and she started to slide gracelessly to the floor.


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W: Discussion of rape.

“Yaz!”

The Doctor jumped out of her seat, managing to catch Yaz before she hit the floor, she didn’t know she could still move that fast. However she didn’t have enough balance and fell to the floor, just managing to cushion Yaz’s head with her real leg which was at least better than it bouncing off the hard plastic of her prosthetic or the concrete floor and catching herself painfully on the elbow in the process which she ignored.

“Yaz? Yaz can you hear me?” she called, shaking Yaz’s shoulder and gently tapping her cheek.

Yaz didn’t answer.

The Doctor looked up at Ryan. “Call an ambulance!” she demanded urgently.

The Doctor pulled herself out from under Yaz, balancing on her one knee and allowing her other leg to stick ridiculously out to the side. It was supposed to bend in these situations but it wasn’t playing ball and she wasn’t stopping for long enough to fix it.

The Doctor put two fingers to Yaz’s neck to check her pulse. It was weak and thready but as long as it was there, that was enough for now. Her breathing was shallow and she wasn’t getting enough oxygen, her pallor turning grey. The Doctor cursed that they had come in Ryan’s car, Yaz thought she didn’t know that she still kept an oxygen tank in the back of hers. The Doctor rolled Yaz onto her side into the recovery position, tipping her head back gently and smoothing her hair away from her sweaty forehead. She was vaguely aware of Ryan and Graham moving the onlookers back as she concentrated on Yaz.

“Ambulance on the way Doctor” Ryan reassured her, kneeling down on Yaz’s other side and putting a protective hand on her shoulder while the Doctor was holding her hand and talking to her quietly.

“Graham, can you pass me Yaz’s drink? I need to know if she’s been slipped something or…” she paused looking up at him, fear written all over her face “…or if she’s having a heart attack.”

“She’s a bit young for a heart attack Doc!” Graham gasped, handing over the drink.

“She is but that’s what her symptoms are showing.”

The Doctor took a small, slow sip of the ginger beer Yaz had been drinking, rolling the liquid around her mouth and frowning.

“Should you be doing that?” asked Ryan pointedly. The Doctor wasn’t sure if he was concerned simply because it was ginger or because it might have something slipped in it. Either way she ignored him.

She spat it out and looked at him. “There’s flunitrazepam in that. Rohypnol to you. She shouldn’t be having such a massive reaction though. She’s only had a few sips.”

“Could she be allergic to it?” asked Ryan.

“Possibly, this doesn’t seem like an allergic reaction though. But it’s not a heart attack.”

At that moment two paramedics appeared from nowhere and immediately dropped down beside Yaz, shoving Ryan and the Doctor out of their way. Ryan helped the Doctor to her feet and wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulder.

“She’s going to be fine” he kept repeating as much to the Doctor as to himself as he watched the paramedics snap an oxygen mask to Yaz’s face and slip leads belonging to a heart monitor under her shirt.

One of the paramedics started firing questions at them and the Doctor was answering them as best as she could, they were coming a little fast for her brain to keep up with. The second paramedic had disappeared to collect a stretcher and together they lifted Yaz onto it, strapping her in tight at her legs, chest and waist before covering her with a blanket.

“Can I go with her?” asked the Doctor.

“Who are you?”

“Her partner.”

He nodded. “Come on then.”

They walked quickly out to the waiting ambulance and the Doctor managed to climb the steep steps on her own. She could see Graham and Ryan getting into Ryan’s car to follow them to the hospital. Thankfully, they were less than ten minutes from the hospital with the lights and sirens on and they were met at the doors by a small team. The Doctor scrambled to follow them into resus while also attempting to concentrate on what they were saying over the roaring in her head.

Yaz hadn’t regained consciousness yet. The Doctors were plugging her into monitors, taking blood samples and running tests. There was a huge bustle of activity for half an hour, the doctors and nurses moving around Yaz in a well choreographed dance. Slowly they started moving away, allowing the Doctor to move in closer. One of the nurses brought her a chair and the Doctor sat down beside Yaz, taking her hand and stroking her hair.

A new Doctor walked into the room. “Hi, I’m Dr. Alison Sutton” she introduced herself offering her hand.

“The Doct… Doctor Jane Smith” the Doctor offered. “You treated Yaz before, she’s a police officer and was attacked while attending a domestic call out.”

“I remember. We’ve been running tests, we think someone has slipped Yaz rohypnol. She’s had a huge dose which is why she’s collapsed, people don’t usually have such a strong reaction.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“Wait for her to wake up, it shouldn’t be too long. Her heart rate has returned to normal and she’s breathing steadily on her own. Once she’s regained consciousness we’ll get the police down here for her to make a statement, keep her under observation for a few hours and then she can go.”

“So she’s going to be okay?” the Doctor clarified, looking at Dr Sutton anxiously.

“Nothing is certain until she’s awake and talking to us but yes, it looks like she’ll be fine.”

“Thank-you” the Doctor sighed with relief.

“We’re going to move her into a side room. Take five while we settle her and then you can come and keep her company until she wakes up okay?”

The Doctor nodded. She kissed Yaz gently on the forehead, whispering that she would be right back before heading out to find Ryan and Graham.

She managed to find the waiting room but she was shaky, her vision blurring around the edges and she was very relieved when Ryan appeared by her side from nowhere and wrapped a strong arm around her shoulders, simultaneously guiding her and holding her up as he led her to where he and Graham had a seat. Ryan helped her sit down as she hunched over herself, trying to regain control, focusing on Ryan’s arm which was still wrapped reassuringly around her back.

After a minute the Doctor sat up straight and explained to Ryan and Graham what Dr. Sutton had told her. She noticed Yaz’s jacket and picked it up, rummaging through her pockets looking for her phone.

“I have to call her boss and her parents” she explained.

“You okay with that Doc? One of us can if you need us to?”

“I’m fine, thanks Graham.”

The Doctor phoned Najia first who remained impressively calm on the phone and agreed not to tear down to the hospital as long as the Doctor got Yaz to phone as soon as she was awake regardless of the time which the Doctor promised to do faithfully.

 _“Yaz, what’s up? You’re not in until tomorrow?”_ came Jennifer’s voice through the phone.

_“Actually Jennifer, it’s Jane. I wasn’t sure if I should call you bu”_

_“What’s happened?”_

_“Yaz and I were out tonight with some friends. Her drink was spiked with a massive dose of rohypnol. She’s in hospital and hasn’t regained consciousness yet. The hospital will be phoning the police as soon as she regains consciousness but I wanted you to know. And I don’t think she’ll be in tomorrow.”_

_“She absolutely will not be in. Thanks for letting me know. I’m in tonight, I’ll come in and take her statement, this technically falls into our units remit so I’ll pull a few strings… You know rohypnol is a date rape drug don’t you? Was she hurt?”_

_“I don’t think so. She only left us to go the loo and that was before she had her drink. She was with us all the rest of the night.”_

_“Thank goodness. Okay don’t tell me anymore now. I’ll need to take a statement when I see you. Don’t leave the hospital until I get there, I’ll be about half an hour to an hour. If your other friends are still at the hospital ask them to wait around as I’ll need to speak to them as well.”_

They rang off just as a nurse appeared to take the Doctor to the side room where Yaz had been settled.

Yaz was scarily pale and completely still, propped up into a semi-sitting position by the inclined bed and mountain of pillows. At least her skin had lost the hideous grey tinge. She had an IV of fluids in one arm and a nasal cannula resting in her nose, providing her with oxygen. It made the Doctor’s insides churn unpleasantly just looking at her in such a weakened and vulnerable state. It briefly occurred to her than she must have looked much worse when she was sick and Yaz had stayed right by her side, barely leaving her for a moment for weeks, months even.

The Doctor took hold of Yaz’s hand and gently rubbed her arm the way Yaz did for her sometimes when her brain wasn’t cooperating. It was soothing.

“Don’t know if I’ve ever told you how much I like it when you do this for me Yaz. It’s strange, this body never liked being touched much. Neither did the last one come to that. But the one before it was very touch-feely. I’m distracting myself again. Anyway then what happened… happened and I thought that being touched was the worst thing I could imagine and then you start doing things like this for me and somehow when it’s you it feels amazing. I didn’t know it could be so nice. I’m talking too much again but if you want me to shut up you’re going to have to wake up and tell me to do it.”

“mm… like hearing you talk.” Yaz slurred.

The Doctor jumped to her feet. “You’re awake!” she exclaimed softly, reaching out and gently cupping Yaz’s cheek. “How’re you feeling?”

Yaz furrowed her brow, considering. “Tired, confused, achey. What happened?”

“We were in the pub with Ryan and Graham. Your drink was spiked with a massive dose of rohypnol.” The Doctor explained gently.

“Rohypnol? That’s a date rape drug. Was I…?” she asked, sounding frightened.

“I don’t think so. You were only away from us for a minute while you went to the bathroom and you hadn’t had anything to drink at that point. But it’s probably not a bad idea to let the Doctor check you over just to be safe.” The Doctor explained gently.

Yaz nodded, accepting her answer.

“I called Jennifer, she’s coming to take your statement. Thought you wouldn’t want the whole station to know about it. And you need to call your mum too.”

Yaz groaned. “You told her?”

“Of course I did. She never would have forgiven me if I hadn’t. But I did talk her out of coming here and making a fuss though we’re going to your parents for dinner on Sunday.”

“Fine. Do you have my phone?”

The Doctor handed over her leather jacket and held Yaz’s hand while she spoke to both Najia and Hakim. Yaz was almost glad when Dr. Sutton appeared in the little room with a nurse until she realised why she was there.

It was unnerving just how much Dr. Sutton looked like her Doctor. They could have been twins if her Doctor wasn’t an alien from another planet. But there was something else that made them different too, she didn’t have the innate sadness her Doctor carried, had always carried as long as Yaz had known her.

“Are you staying?” Dr Sutton asked, directing her question at the Doctor who nodded.

Yaz squeezed her hand urgently. “You don’t have to stay, I’m okay, I can do this. I need you to be safe too.”

It was only last night the Doctor had woken them both up screaming after a flashback which had brought back memories of being held down and brutally gang-raped. It had taken her hours to calm down again and she hadn’t been able to let Yaz anywhere near her in the aftermath to provide the comfort she had desperately needed.

“Yaz, I wouldn’t offer to stay if I thought I couldn’t. And I am here to support you. I’m not going to look, I’ll look at you and hold your hand. I am not letting you go through this on your own for a second.”

The Doctor repositioned the chair she was sitting in so it was against the bed and she was facing Yaz, unable to see anything that was happening. She softly stroked Yaz’s hair while the other woman held her hand in a vice like grip, biting her lip as she tried not to cry. It was the most undignified and exposed she had ever felt, her legs up in stirrups while a stranger poked at her with swabs and a comb.

“Hey Yaz, did I ever tell you about the time I met Winston Churchill?” she asked suddenly.

When Yaz shook her head, the Doctor launched into an explanation about her meeting, keeping it down so Dr Sutton and the nurse wouldn’t hear too much and kept chatting until Yaz was helped to take her legs down and sit up, reclaiming some her dignity.

“Yaz I’m going to send some samples up to the lab for STI’s just to be safe but I can be pretty certain that you were not raped.” Dr Sutton explained.

Yaz let out a huge sigh of relief and promptly burst into tears, allowing the Doctor gather her into her arms and hold her close as she sobbed all over her shoulder, creating a substantial wet patch on her girlfriends shoulder. 

“There’s a detective here to see you but once you’ve spoken to her I’m happy for you to go. Make sure you check out at reception.” Dr Sutton told them, offering her hand to shake.

Almost as soon as she left, Jennifer made an appearance, knocking lightly on the door jam and letting herself in.

“This isn’t your job” Yaz argued. “Should be Arthur, he’s the other uniform. It’s just another case of someone stupid enough to not pay attention to their drink” she said bitterly, appreciating it when the Doctor squeezed her hand again.

“Yaz you’re not stupid. This could happen to anyone and you know it. Jane called me, I thought you would rather talk to me than Arthur or someone else from the main unit.”

“I appreciate it. Thanks.”

“I’m sorry Jane, but I need to interview Yaz on her own. I’ve already spoken to your two other friends, Ryan and Graham. If you could wait outside, I’ll speak to you next. Hopefully we won’t need to see any of you at the station.”

The Doctor looked at Yaz, silently seeking her permission before leaving her alone with Jennifer

An hour later Jennifer had finished with Yaz and the Doctor and Yaz had been reunited with her clothes. She stumbled out from the side room, eager to get home and shower the evening off her. Yaz realised she could cry with relief when she saw Ryan and Graham still in the waiting room to drive her home, Graham was snoring quietly and Ryan was playing on his phone.

As soon as he saw Yaz come out, the Doctor’s arm slung protectively around her shoulder, Ryan nudged Graham awake and crossed the room to gather Yaz in his arms for a tight hug, handing her over to Graham for the same and hugging the Doctor as well. Yaz had already asked the Doctor not to tell the boys about the rape kit, even though it was negative and she trusted that the other woman would never betray her like that but she suspected Ryan figured it out anyway, he’s more shrewd than he likes to let on.

Ryan drove them home quietly, waiting in his car outside Yaz’s front door until the two women were inside. As soon as she had taken off her jacket Yaz disappeared straight up the stairs without a word, slamming the bathroom door behind her and the Doctor’s sensitive ears picked up the sounds of the shower running.

The Doctor made her own way into the kitchen, flicking on the kettle and finding Yaz’s favourite cat mug and one for herself to make them both tea and then went to find a mindless DVD to put on. She selected _Calendar Girls_ , it always made Yaz laugh but she had seen it so many times it would be mindless and a distraction while she tried to fall asleep.

The Doctor took her supplies upstairs, surprised that the shower was still running. She turned on the electric blanket, shoved her clothes into the laundry basket in the corner of the room, took off her leg and leaned it in its customary spot against the bedside table before putting on her own pyjamas, rolling the empty right leg up and securing it with a safety pin. Yaz still hadn’t appeared.

The Doctor made her way to the bathroom, using the walls and furniture for balance and leverage and knocked on the door. “Yaz, are you okay in there.”

“I’m fine” she squeaked. The shower was turned off suddenly.

“Do you need anything?”

“No… actually can you grab me some pyjamas?”

“Of course, just a second.” The Doctor replied, pleased to have something to do. She hurried back to the bedroom, grabbing Yaz’s favourite teddy pyjamas from the drawer and bringing them back. Yaz was brushing her teeth standing at the sink and the Doctor left the pyjamas on the toilet for her, scooping her dirty clothes from the floor and getting rid of them for her.

Satisfied that Yaz wouldn’t be long, the Doctor got into bed with her book, pushing her glasses up her nose. She had never slept in her life as much as she did now but she found herself needing to sleep most nights which was something else she attributed to her brain injury. But something that hadn’t changed was that she couldn’t sleep without reading for a little while.

When Yaz appeared, she got straight into bed without a word, smiling ever so slightly when she saw the tea and film.

“I think I might need a cuddle tonight” Yaz admitted, moving in closer to the Doctor.

The Doctor instantly put down her book and opened her arms, allowing Yaz to shuffle in close, resting her head so she could hear the soothing sound of the Doctor’s heartbeat that she loved so much. The Doctor pressed play on the film, allowing the familiar title sequence to play and pulled Yaz in tightly. She resumed the stroking of her girlfriend’s hair until she could feel that she had begun to relax against her.

The Doctor knew Yaz wasn’t asleep, her breathing and heart rate wasn’t right for that. “Do you want to talk about it?” the Doctor asked quietly.

She felt Yaz shake her head against her chest.

“Is there anything I can do?”

Yaz shook her head. “Just don’t move okay?”

“I won’t, I got you” the Doctor soothed, resuming her carding of Yaz’s hair.

By the time Yaz’s alarm went off, the Doctor was fairly sure neither of them had managed more than a fitful doze all night. Yaz got out of bed mechanically and headed for the shower as she always did. When she reappeared twenty minutes later she was dressed for work and went straight to the bedside table where she kept her badge and ID. The Doctor lightly grabbed her wrist to intercept her.

“Yaz, you can’t go to work today.” She pointed out, her voice full of concern.

“Course I can. I’m fine.”

“No you’re not. You were in hospital until one o’clock this morning, you haven’t slept and Jennifer told you that if you turned up she would drive you straight back home.”

“I can’t just sit here.”

“I get it Yaz, but you’re not going to work. You know full well if the roles were reversed you wouldn’t let me go either. You’ve spent a long time looking after me, let me return a tiny portion of the favour. We can do something together.”

Yaz relented enough to sit back down on the bed. “You’ve got plans with Ryan today remember?”

“He’ll understand. He was really worried about you last night. We all were.”

“I know he will, but he’s had so many problems with this scholarship project I’m not getting in the way of that. Did you already text him?”

“No we discussed it last night. I said I would let him know when I’m free again.”

“Text him and tell him to come over whenever he’s ready. And tell him to bring snacks, he’s eaten all ours and I didn’t buy anything last night.”

“Yaz are you sure…”

“Yes. Very. I don’t want to dwell on it Doctor. I had my drink spiked. You took care of me and I’m fine. I wasn’t hurt. Please, let’s just move on for now.”

“Yaz, God knows I’m the King… Queen, every time, of not talking about stuff and you know as well as I do what effect that has had on me and that you wouldn’t let me get away with brushing you off like this.”

“You’re right I wouldn’t. But I promise to talk to you if I need to okay?”

The Doctor narrowed her eyes, scrutinising Yaz for a moment before conceding.

“Are you alright?” Yaz asked her suddenly.

“Me? Why wouldn’t I be, I wasn’t the one who’s drink got spiked.”

“No, but I was out of it for most of it. Ryan told me you caught me when I fell and you stayed with me the entire time I was at the hospital. I know that can’t have been easy for you.”

“I’m just worried about you Yaz. All that matters to me is that you’re safe.”

Yaz watched her for a moment through hooded eyes. “But I promise to talk to you if I need to okay?” the Doctor said softly, echoing Yaz’s words.

An hour later, when Yaz had put on her oldest, softest jeans and an oversized jumper and freed her hair from it’s restrictive work updo, the doorbell went. As always, the Doctor jumped enough to spill the mug of tea she was drinking from but she stood to answer it, knowing that it would be Ryan. Yaz watched her go with affection, gone were the days when she used to hide in the bedroom every time the doorbell went.

The Doctor reappeared a moment later followed by Ryan and surprisingly also by Graham who was lugging a large shopping bag.

Ryan cheerfully greeted her with a hug, and whispered an apology in her ear. Yaz was confused until she saw the way Graham was looking at her hopefully.

“What do you want Graham?” Yaz asked suspiciously, he looked slightly sheepish and was holding the shopping bag behind his back in a vain attempt to hide it.

“He wants you to cook with him because he’s too chicken to make it on his own.” Interrupted Ryan, his tone very much teasing.

“Oi! I asked you for help and you wouldn’t. You’re the one going to university in a few months.”

“That’s what a microwave is for. I won’t be making a beef wellington, one of the most complicated dishes! And get this Yaz, he wants to make his own puff pastry too! Nan used to make me watch thr _Bake Off_ with her, I know that’s hard!”

“And let me guess, you’re standing in my living room with a bag of food because you want my help?”

“Well I certainly don’t want the Doc’s.” he mumbled.

“Hey! I resent that very much!” the Doctor shouted from the floor where she was already sitting beside Ryan, pulling out their paperwork and a laptop. “I’ll have you know I made Yaz breakfast this morning. She ate it and she’s still standing thank-you very much!”

“Doctor you made toast and I eat the same thing on my toast every day. Don’t get ahead of yourself. Let’s not forget the Christmas porridge, I though I was going to die. I was coughing up clouds of cinnamon for hours.”

The Doctor gives her an annoyed scrunched look but thankfully further bickering is curtailed when Ryan produces the top part of her prototype prosthetic and she had to go and put on a pair of shorts so she could take it on and off as many times as they needed to without having to go and hide in the bathroom every time.

Yaz rolled her eyes, wisely leaving them to it and ushered Graham into the kitchen to look at his recipe.

“Have you ever made anything like this before?”

“No. Never made pastry at all actually. But I cook steak a lot and I remembered to buy Halal!”

Yaz was sufficiently touched that he remembered that she swallowed her annoyance and pulled the recipe in front of her to read it properly.

By the time Yaz and Graham have the pastry chilling in the fridge the kitchen looked like a bomb had gone off. Yaz had forgotten what a messy cook Graham was and she was relieved to hear the Doctor calling her from the living room.

The Doctor was sitting on the sofa, her collection of stump socks and silicone liners strewn across the sofa looking frustrated.

“What’s up?” asked Yaz.

“I’m just going to check on Graham” Ryan interrupted, excusing himself from the room.

“I can’t figure out the best combination of socks and liners. I know Dave showed me how to check what I needed but all the on and off is starting to hurt. Ryan tried but my leg… I don’t have enough of it left… I know he would never hurt me but I can’t let him put his hands where they need to go. It’s just too high up.” She whispered the last part like she was ashamed.

“Doctor it’s your body. Nobody gets to say what happens to it or who can touch it except you. You absolutely do not owe anybody anything.”

“I know that. But I want to do this not just for Ryan but for me too.” She sighed.

“Right so what can I do to help?”

“Can you help me figure this out? Ryan needs to be here and I don’t mind him being in the room but I can’t let him touch me like that. It’s too intimate.”

“Course I can” Yaz agreed easily “it gets me out of cleaning all the flour that Graham has decorated the kitchen with.”

The Doctor called Ryan back in and stood, bracing herself against the wall for extra support. She needed to be up straight and she had to lean forward to use her crutches which were resting against the sofa.

Yaz spent half an hour helping the Doctor with the prosthetic fitting, she was conscious that the other woman was uncomfortable but impressed by how well she was holding herself together. When they were done the Doctor excused herself to take a break and Yaz went back to the kitchen with Graham. He had started cooking the steak so Yaz set to work on the mushrooms.

Despite herself, Yaz had to admit that the Beef Wellington, while possibly not worth the five hours labour she and Graham had put into it, was very good. And she was never going through the faff of it ever again.

It had also been a good distraction, Yaz was pretty sure where Graham’s sudden desire to cook had come from. And she appreciated it, the fam looked out for each other.

Between the four of them they had managed to clear the dishes into the kitchen but none of them had managed to muster up the energy to clean them. Instead Graham spied Yaz’s scrabble set and challenged them to a game.

Yaz groaned internally. She and the Doctor played scrabble all the time (and sometimes the Doctor managed to stick to words that were actual words used on earth in the twenty-first century). It was great practice to try and help her brain process and plan again but the Doctor and Ryan playing any kind of game was painful for anyone else involved or spectating as they were both ridiculously competitive. And there was only so much trash-talk a person could listen to in a scrabble game.

A couple of rounds in, the Doctor was winning by a good margin, clearly having a good brain day as there were some days she couldn’t even manage to put three letter words down correctly, though after a seven letter word Graham was catching up. Yaz wasn’t too bad at scrabble and was holding her own but poor Ryan was having the worst luck with his letters and didn’t seem to be able to find any vowels when choosing his letters. Unfortunately his turn also immediately followed the Doctor’s and she had an uncanny knack for putting her words where he wanted to go.

“Cheer up son!” said Graham as the Doctor blocked the only available vowel that Ryan could have used. “You only have to put up with us for another few months before you go swanning off to university.”

“Why are students not invited to what is apparently fam game night?” he asked.

“You’ll be out partying with all your cool student friends and then stumbling back into your halls at stupid O’Clock in the morning with cheesy chips!” teased Yaz.

Ryan dumped his tiles absently back in the bag and collected a fresh set while Yaz tried to figure out her move.

“Do you want me to move out Graham?” asked Ryan quietly, looking at his knees.

“What? No! Course I don’t son, but I just assumed. You’ll be a student, why would you want to live with an old codger like me?”

“You’re my Grandad” Ryan answered like it was the simplest answer in the world. “I know it’s your house now but I was hoping I could stay for a bit longer. I don’t think I’m ready to move out yet. I can take the train to the uni every day.”

Graham wrapped his arms around his Grandson tightly. “Your Nan would be so proud of you. Hell, I’m proud of you. You’re an incredible young man.”

Ryan seemed surprised by the sudden, uncharacteristic affection but returned the hug.

“I just assumed you would want away from me as soon as possible.” Graham admitted. “I’ve been so worried about being on my own again.” He admitted slowly.

“Gramps that would never happen. Even if I did move out I would still be coming to visit all the time.”

“And we’re your fam too Graham. Who else would persuade Yaz to make such ridiculous dinners” the Doctor said, chiming in to the conversation.

“Is this why you’ve been so down lately?” asked Yaz gently.

Graham nodded. “After losing Grace, and nearly losing you too Doc, I just couldn’t face the thought of losing Ryan on top of all that.”

Yaz reached across the table and squeezed his hand. “We’re a family Graham, we don’t just throw that word around you know, it means something.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Calendar Girls is my second favourite film (after Adult Life Skills which was way too emotional for this) and I would highly reccommend it. It's based off the true story of a group of women from the Women's Institute who decided to raise money by posing nude for a charity calendar. It started off this huge movement and they still do the calendar every year. Although it has sad parts, overall the film never fails to make me smile. It also has Harriet Jones, Former PM in it!


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Child Abuse in the context of Yaz’s job.
> 
> I know what happens here is probably way against official procedure and what would normally be allowed but we’re calling creative licence.

When Yaz went back to work the next day she was immediately greeted with a hug from Jennifer who ushered her into her comfortable office for a chat.

Yaz took a seat opposite the desk and Jennifer sat on her own side. “I have to ask Yaz, are you okay to be here today?”

“You sound like Jane. We had this conversation last night and again this morning.”

“That doesn’t answer my question Yasmin. I need you to be honest with me, I can’t have you out there dealing with the crimes we deal with if you’re not right.” Jennifer’s voice was stern and Yaz felt herself wilt slightly under her gaze and use of her full name.

“I’m fine Jennifer. I spent the day with my family yesterday, I talked to them.” Yaz bristled. “Jane is very supportive and looked after me. I have to phone her when I take my lunch and if I don’t she’ll probably turn up to check on me.” she admitted.

Jennifer scrutinised Yaz for another moment. “Okay. Make sure you do, she might look fragile, but I get the impression she can be terrifying when she wants to be.”

Yaz smiled, she had hit the nail on the head. “Right Yaz you’re with me today. We’re going to visit a little girl in hospital. She was found nearly a week ago wandering the streets. No reports of missing kids match her description. She’s malnourished and scans show years of abuse, both physical and sexual and she's been horrifically neglected. She hasn’t said a word since she was found , we don’t even know her name. We need to make a relationship with her and encourage her to open up.” She handed over a slim file containing the scant information they had on the little girl. It made grim reading.

When they left the hospital several hours later Yaz felt sick. The little girl who was still nameless had refused to even look at them. She had spent the entire meeting hiding under the bed, hugging a cushion. Yaz had taken the lead, trying to interest the little girl with toys and talking to her but she had been too frightened to even look at her. Her private hospital room was dark and empty of the usual clutter that children had, they had spoken to the girls social worker, she wouldn’t let anyone open the curtains or turn on the light, she screamed when anyone came near her and had rejected all offerings of the hospitals toys or the pyjamas the social worker had brought. They didn’t even know how old she was, she was the approximate size of a five year old and hadn’t started puberty but she was so malnourished that didn’t say much. One thing the girl did like was food but she was squirreling it rather than eating it, stuffing it under the mattress.

Back at the office Yaz and Jennifer led a whole team briefing. They had decided not to publish the girls photograph, worried that her abuser could come looking for her. As the junior, Yaz got stuck with the paperwork and she fired off a quick text to the Doctor to let her know she would be late.

It was only five o’clock, but Yaz should have finished hours ago when Jennifer appeared to send her home.

“I know she’s been rejecting everything but I’d like to bring her something that’s just hers if I can.” Yaz proposed to her. “When I first got Jane home, she latched onto this china cat ornament that was in our room but she was frightened that I would notice and take it away from her. She used to hide it inside her sleeve so I couldn’t take it from her.” She remembered sadly.

“Does she know you know she has it now?” asked Jennifer with interest.

“Uhh no.” admitted Yaz. “Actually she threw it across the room and smashed it the first time we gave her a mirror and she saw her face, the burns were still raw and weeping then and looked much worse than they do now. She threw everything she could reach that time.” She said ruefully, rubbing her nose. The Doctor had asked to be left alone at that point, in hindsight she never should have left. “But you can’t smash a teddy. Jane and I are going out later, I can drop it off at the hospital on our way.”

“That’s fine Yaz. Just make sure you submit a claim receipt alright. Least the department can do. She reminds you of Jane doesn’t she? I could see it in your face.”

“Yeah she does. Jane was that fearful for a long time. Ryan and Graham, you met them the other night, we’ve been friends for a long time but she couldn’t tolerate them in the same room. Barely managed to have them in the house. Think she only tolerated me because somewhere in the recesses of her brain she recognised that she couldn’t look after herself on her own. She was very dependent. It was hard for me to see that, before she was the most independent person I had ever met, never accepting help from anyone.”

Jennifer smiled in understanding and shooed Yaz out the door.

When she got into the house Yaz went straight up to the shower and turned the water on as hot as she could stand. She had heard the Doctor and Ryan working in the garage as she’d come in but quite honestly didn’t want to cry in front of Ryan. It had been an emotional day, the little girl had brought back a lot of painful memories. 

Stepping into the shower Yaz found her tears began to flow freely with the water and found herself sliding down the wall of the shower to sit on the floor, her knees drawn up under her chin, head resting on them.

Suddenly she was aware that the water wasn’t running anymore. She looked up through blurry eyes to see the Doctor standing there with their biggest towel. She leant down, wrapped Yaz in it and somehow managing to balance on one leg and scoop Yaz into a standing position, drawing her in for a tight embrace.

The Doctor gently pushed Yaz in the direction of the bedroom and hopped in after her, wrapping an arm around her as she sat on the bed.

“Want to talk about it?” she probed.

“I can’t… work. Just got this case with this kid…” Yaz found herself spilling everything to the Doctor about the little girl from the morning while the Doctor listened patiently.

“Yaz, what happened to that little girl, that’s not on you. What happens next is what’s important now. You just have to do your job and find out who’s responsible for hurting her. Why don’t we stay in tonight instead of heading out. I’ll kick Ryan out and we can do something just the two of us in our PJ’s?”

Yaz shook her head. “We promised to take Nani out. Plus I really want to go and get something for that little girl and drop it off for her at the hospital. Do you remember the little cat ornament you used to hold? You hid it in your sleeve so I wouldn’t know you had it and take it off you but you held it all the time. I want her to have something she can hold.”

“I really don’t remember, sorry Yaz, the more I try to remember the fuzzier it gets. What happened to it?”

“You threw it across the room and broke it the first time you looked in a mirror.” Yaz explained gently.

“Oh.” The Doctor rubbed her nose. “Sorry about that. I wish I could remember. But maybe give the little girl something less breakable.”

“Don’t be. It was a traumatic day. I told you then and I’ll repeat it. I hate cats, only had the ornament because Sonya bought it for me and she would have chucked a fit if I hadn’t.”

“Did you tell her I broke it? Maybe that’s why she hates me so much.”

Yaz shrugged her shoulders, unable to hold back a smile. “Makes as much sense as any other reason.”

She rested her head on the Doctor’s shoulder for a moment, appreciating the comfort.

“I’m gonna get dressed, Officer Khan should not go to a toyshop in a towel.”

“No she should not.” The Doctor agreed, planting a kiss on Yaz’s head. “I’m gonna help Ryan tidy up, I’m ready when you are.”

“No leg?” asked Yaz, eyebrows raised questioningly.

“No, it hurts today for some reason. Must have been all that on again off again yesterday…” she trailed off, seeing the look Yaz was giving her.

“Have you checked for breakdown?”

“Not really, didn’t want to in front of Ryan” she admitted quietly.

“You could have excused yourself for a while” Yaz pointed out feeling slightly exasperated. “Go get rid of him, tell him I said hello and then come back up so I can have a look.”

Yaz dressed quickly into jeans and a jumper. She and the Doctor had promised to take Umbreen out for a meal and although she wasn’t expecting them for a little while yet, Yaz wanted plenty of time in the hospital in the off chance the girl was ready to talk.

As she finished pulling her socks on Ryan shouted his goodbyes, the door clicked and the Doctor reappeared at the top of the stairs looking slightly sheepish.

“Sit” Yaz instructed.

The Doctor wriggled out of her trousers and sat with a small huff. Yaz sat next to her and lifted the Doctor’s leg to rest on her own. The Doctor flopped back as Yaz lifted her leg higher, her fingers gently probing her stump and apologising softly as the Doctor hissed in pain at a couple of points.

“You’ve got quite a few patches that are pretty red and angry looking and two small open sores” Yaz explained. “Can I treat them for you?” she asked.

The Doctor nodded and Yaz went to fetch the First Aid kit from the bathroom. She started with the red patches, rubbing a barrier cream onto them so that her trousers and wheelchair wouldn’t rub and then cleaned the sores. They weren’t too deep, she had had a nasty one around the time of Yaz’s birthday four months ago and these were nothing like it. Yaz carefully covered them with sterile pads, padded that with cotton wool which she secured with gauze and tape and finally kissed them better making the Doctor smile slightly.

The night was cold but not icy. Yaz handed the Doctor her wheelchair from the boot and waited while she secured the lap belt. Yaz had the teddy in her hand, they had chosen together, a small honey coloured bear about eight inches tall with ultra-soft curly fur and no other adornments. Very simple but something fancy hadn’t felt right.

“Maybe I shouldn’t come in with you” the Doctor balked as they walked in through the hospitals main entrance.

“Why not?” asked Yaz. “You’re way better with kids than I am.”

“The kids traumatised enough without looking at me Yaz. I keep making them cry, remember?”

“She’s not letting anyone near her at the moment love” Yaz pointed out. “We’re gonna talk to her, leave the teddy where she can reach it and leave. We won’t stay too long because we don’t want to overwhelm her.”

They made their way up to the children’s ward where Yaz flashed her ID to get them in. The girl’s room was softly lit by a bedside lamp though the main light was out. There was no sign of her and the Doctor, from her lower vantage point, told Yaz she was under the bed.

Yaz knocked lightly on the door and let them in. They stopped, a respectful distance from the bed, the Doctor further back than Yaz so the girl could still see her face without getting on the floor like Yaz did. The girl was sitting like she was earlier, hunched up and small, a bag of bones held together by paper think skin and huge eyes in a hollow face. She didn’t look at Yaz as Yaz reminded her of who she was and introduceed the Doctor as Jane. She did look at the Doctor. Stared in fact. Yaz hoped she was not upset by it.

Yaz and the Doctor had a silent conversation and the Doctor took over the talking.

“Hi sweetheart” she started. “I wish I could come down and see you but it’s pretty hard for me to get on the floor.” A blatant lie but if it got her out Yaz didn’t care. “Do you want to come out and say hi? I’ll stay right here, I won’t touch you.”

The little girl didn’t move but she was definitely watching, listening, a significant improvement over what Yaz and Jennifer had managed earlier in the day or what the nurses had reported.

“You’re safe here.” The Doctor continued. “My friend Yaz, she’s a police officer, it’s her very special job to keep kids just like you safe.”

Still no response.

“Yaz told me you don’t have any of your own things. I brought you this bear. I thought maybe you hold him tight if you’re feeling scared. I like something to hold when I’m feeling scared.”

The Doctor took the bear out of his bag and put it on her lap.

“I can come give him to you if you like? He’s your very own forever, no one will take him away from you.”

The Doctor stayed still, watching the girl for any reaction. Yaz vividly remembered waiting out those long pauses waiting for any response to show signs of life after the Doctor had regained consciousness, how sometimes it had felt like she was waiting for hours before the Doctor would give her even a tiny twitch that Yaz could use as a response.

Finally the girl gave the tiniest movement, a twitch of her finger. The Doctor very slowly rolled forward, keeping her head low so the girl could still see her face and lowered the teddy to the ground. She then rolled back a few feet to give her space.

Slowly, so so slowly the girl untangled her scrawny limbs to reach out to the teddy and then snatched it, holding it in close, stroking the fur lightly. She was still under the bed but not entirely, sitting at the edge looking at the Doctor who was leaning forwards in her chair so the girl could see her face, only two feet away from her.

Keeping a tight hold of the teddy the girl inched out from under the bed a little more towards the Doctor. She lifted up her bony hand and reached out and touched the Doctor’s residual leg lightly and then quickly drew her hand back.

“It’s okay, it doesn’t hurt anymore.” The Doctor said softly. The girl touched it again but withdrew her hand quickly.

“Where’s your leg?” she whispered in a thin, hoarse voice.

Yaz blinked in shock but tried not to let it show on her face.

“Well, I got hurt by someone who was really bad. My leg was hurt lots and lots and the Doctors couldn’t make it better so they had to cut it off and make me a new one. Sometimes I wear my pretend leg that looks like a robot and sometimes I use my wheelchair if my leg is a bit sore like today.”

The girl looked at her with those big eyes but didn’t pass any further comment.

“You know” said the Doctor. “I’m really hungry. I bet if we asked Yaz she would be able to find us whatever you want for dinner.”

The girl looked at her.

“You know after I got hurt Yaz let me eat anything I wanted.” The Doctor whispers conspiratorially. “She even let me have biscuits for breakfast!”

The girl didn’t turn her head from the Doctor but looked at Yaz out of the corner of her eye.

Yaz nodded in confirmation. “I can use my phone and get one of my very special police friends to get you anything you would like.”

The little girl flicked her gaze to the Doctor again. “McDonalds” she whispered so quietly that the Doctor might have missed it if it wasn’t for her superior alien hearing.

“McDonalds? That’s a great choice, I like McDonalds too.” The Doctor agreed. That wasn’t true, she had never eaten in it.

“I’m going to stand right outside where you can see me and phone my special police friend and ask him to bring us McDonalds. Them I’m going to come back in.” Yaz explained.

She rose slowly and stepped outside. The first call she made was to Umbreen, somehow she didn’t think she and the Doctor would make it. She promised to call in on her way home if it wasn’t too late and if it was they would take her out the next week instead. As ever, Umbreen understood and wished Yaz well, sending a kiss for the Doctor.

The next person Yaz called was Jennifer who was clearly at home as she could hear Lucy sounding distressed in the background.

“Jennifer, I dropped off the bear and brought Jane with me. She’s talking to Jane, accepted the bear and asked for a McDonalds. I assume that can be organised.”

“ _Yaz that’s fantastic. Well done. I’ll ring Arthur as soon as I’ve spoken to you and get him to bring you one of each Happy Meal urgently. Put your voice recorder on your phone on, Jane doesn’t work for the police so we need a record of what is said. And I have to ask, is she able for this?”_

Jennifer said all that very fast, appreciating like Yaz did that Yaz needed to get back into the room. 

“She’s okay. She would have dealt with stuff like this in her job before. But I’ve got the door open so I can hear them and I won’t leave them alone. I’ll intervene if I need to but she’s fine so far.”

_“Okay Yaz, you’re doing great. Well done. Call me as soon as you leave the hospital.”_

Yaz rang off, heading back into the room. The girl had gained a little confidence and had clearly just asked the Doctor about her face.

The Doctor looked at Yaz, what was appropriate to tell this kid? Yaz nodded, they had to be honest with her to gain trust. Telling her McDonalds was your favourite was one thing but if they lied about something and got caught out she would never trust them.

“Well, a bad person thought it was okay to hurt me if I did things they didn’t like. They thought if they hurt my face then I would do what they wanted.”

Yaz noticed and appreciated that she had kept it very neutral and given no specifics that could influence any disclosures the girl might make.

“Does it hurt?”

“Yes.” The Doctor answered honestly. “But it used to hurt a lot more. And I’m very lucky because Yaz is my family and she makes me feel better when it hurts too much.”

“How?” she asked, with childlike innocence and big eyes.

“She gives me hugs. She lets me talk to her about things that make me worried. She looks after me.”

Yaz took this as her opportunity to jump in. “There are lots of people to help you too. I can help you. I know your social worker can help you. And she is going to find a family to look after you who will take extra special care of you.”

The girl looked at her.

“Do you think we could give your teddy a name?” asked the Doctor. “When I was little I had a teddy that looked about yours. It was supposed to be called Goldie because he had gold fur but I was only little and I couldn’t say it so I called him Lally.”

“She’s called Honey. She looks like the honey my mummy putted in her tea. Sometimes she made me honey sandwiches.”

“Nice to meet you Honey” the Doctor said seriously.

“Well I’m Yaz, this is Jane, that’s Honey” said Yaz pointing at the people as she said their names. “Can you tell us who you are?”

“Maisie Allen.” She whispered.

“Hi Maisie. I’m really happy you could tell me your name.”

There was a soft knock on the door and Maisie instantly shuffled in closer to the Doctor, reaching out and hanging on to the tapered bar at the front of her chair that she could reach with one hand and holding Honey with the other.

Unsurprisingly it was Arthur with the food. Yaz accepted it and quickly whispered the girls name to him, asking him to get it to Jennifer as soon as possible.

Yaz brought the bag of food in. “Have you ever been on a picnic Maisie?” Yaz asked.

Maisie shook her head.

“We could have a picnic right now” Yaz suggested. “A real teddy bears picnic because Honey is here. Maybe we could use this blanket as our picnic blanket?” she added, snagging a plain hospital blanket from the back of a chair.

“Do you have to sit on the floor for a picnic?”

“Of course” said the Doctor seriously.

“But you said its hard for you to sit on the floor. Can she” she pointed at Yaz “can she help you?”

“You’re right I did say that.” The Doctor agreed. She had only said it because actually her leg was pretty inflamed this evening and really shouldn’t be resting on the cold, hard surface of a hospital floor but they didn’t need to tell Maisie that. “But yes, Yaz can help me. Yaz helps me lots of times when I need things and then everything feels a bit better.”

Yaz took her cue and helped the Doctor out of her chair onto the floor even though she was quite capable of doing it herself. She also handed the Doctor her fleecy jacket for her to fold up and rest her stump on.

Arthur had brought a large supply of napkins and Yaz spread them out, pouring chips onto them, spreading out chicken nuggets, a burger and fish fingers before giving them all a bottle of orange juice. She put ketchup on a piece of torn cardboard.

Maisie looked overwhelmed and Yaz told Maisie to find the biggest chip she could because it was a lucky one and if she found it and ate it she could make a wish. It was something her parents had done when she was small and hadn’t wanted to eat something on her plate.

It worked and once she had eaten one chip Maisie quickly helped herself to more. Yaz helped herself and encouraged the Doctor to do the same, if Maisie ate all the food in front of her she would be sick and it was very rich when they didn’t know how long it had been since she had eaten.

Yaz remembered the Doctor’s first meal of cereal, her leg had already been badly infected at that point and she had promptly vomited everywhere, over herself, over Yaz and over the bed after just a few mouthfuls. It had taken hours to get her clean and calm. After that incident she hadn’t regained consciousness for another week, long after Martha had been and gone. Yaz chased away the thoughts. This wasn’t about the Doctor, this was about Maisie. 

Distracted by the food, Yaz managed to tease some vital information about Maisie with the Doctor’s help including her age, which was ten, that she had never been to school and the area she had lived in but not where the house was specifically. Maisie also told them that her mother was dead but questions about her father were met with a hostile look and a retreat back into her shell.

The food didn’t last long and Yaz could see Maisie getting visibly tired. She was watching the Doctor again as Yaz cleared up.

“Can she help you?” Maisie asked the Doctor.

The Doctor looked at her, not sure what she was asking. “Yaz helps me in lots of ways. She can help you too.” She replied, not wanting to answer the question incorrectly.

Maisie shook her head. “Your chair. Can she help you get back in your chair?” she asked, clearly anxious about it.

“Of course she can. Yaz is super strong.” Yaz got to her own feet easily and wrapped an arm around the Doctor’s waist, giving her the other arm to hold on to and taking her weight as she lifted her into a standing position and moved her back into her wheelchair.

Maisie looked relieved, apparently satisfied that the Doctor was where she should be.

“It’s really late now Maisie” said Yaz softly “Jane and I have to go home and go to bed. Would you and Honey like to go to bed too? I will come back and see you tomorrow.”

Maisie looked at Yaz again, considering her options before deciding this was acceptable. Yaz pulled the covers back on the bed and Maisie climbed in. She was so tiny and thin she almost looked like she needed a step ladder to reach the large hospital bed. The Doctor covered her gently covered her up with the blankets and was very surprised when Maisie grabbed her left hand and held on, tracing the thick scars that twisted up and lightly pulling at her finger to see if she could straighten them – more and more these days they were curled into a light fist as her scars continued to shrink.

The Doctor was surprised. Nobody ever touched her left hand, or anywhere else that was scarred for that matter. Well Yaz did, but Yaz was Yaz. Everyone else seemed to gauge it as inappropriate or something and steer clear. Maisie didn’t appear to follow such social rules. Maybe she had never been exposed to them.

The Doctor couldn’t help but let out a small squeak of discomfort. “Maisie, you can absolutely hold my hand if you want to but please don’t pull my fingers, they don’t really straighten at the moment and it hurts.” She explained gently.

Maisie instantly dropped the Doctor’s hand, retreating back in on herself and curling up into the foetal position.

“Would you like us to wait with you while you fall asleep?” asked Yaz.

Maisie shook her head rapidly.

“Okay then. I’ll come back and see you tomorrow Maisie. Night night.”

Yaz left the room, holding the door open for the Doctor to go through first. They made their way through the hospital side by side in silence. Getting into the car Yaz handed her phone over to the Doctor. “Can you phone Nani and tell her we won’t be coming. I already spoke to her so she knows but just confirm.”

When they got home, the Doctor went straight upstairs while Yaz sat at the table to phone Jennifer and take the now very large audio file off her phone and onto her computer so she could upload it securely to the police network. No doubt she would be listening to it tomorrow.

When Yaz got upstairs the Doctor was in her usual position, propped up in bed with a book and her adorable glasses perched on her nose.

“Why didn’t you tell me about your hand?” Yaz asked first.

“It doesn’t matter Yaz.” The Doctor argued.

“Yes it does.” She fished around in the drawer and found the Doctor’s splint for her hand and the tub of medicated moisturiser before sitting cross legged on the bed. The Doctor held out her hand, knowing Yaz wouldn’t let it go. She appreciated it really, even if she hated the brace with a passion as the sensation of wearing it ranged anywhere from discomfort to painful while the act of putting it on was often excruciating. And it was her own fault, if she wore it every night her hand wouldn’t have curled as much as it had and then it wouldn’t be so painful.

Although Yaz helped her maintain her scars and do physiotherapy a couple of times a day she put extra effort into the Doctor’s hand this evening, massaging in the moisturiser and pulling and stretching her fingers and wrist in all directions to encourage them to loosen up.

“You were fantastic with Maisie this evening.” Yaz commented, ignoring the Doctors small groan of pain as she tugged at her ring finger.

“I don’t know why she latched onto me when she hasn’t spoken to anyone else. I usually make kids cry these days.”

“She’s hurting. I think she saw you and saw someone else who was hurting too. That made you less intimidating to her I think.”

“What happens to her?”

“She’ll go to foster care, ideally to someone with no other kids because she’ll need a lot of one to one care. I’ll interview her tomorrow. Her carers and social worker will keep collecting evidence as she discloses and I’ll interview her again if necessary. If there’s enough evidence against her abuser then they will be prosecuted.” She replied, now digging her own thumbs into the Doctor’s palm.

“What about you? What do you do next?”

“Trace her dad. Make sure the mum really is dead and find out what happened to her. Find out why she’s never been to school and where she was living. Essentially it’s a giant jigsaw puzzle and we have to put the pieces back together.”

“How long does all that take?”

“Depends on Maisie really. It’s hard to prosecute without her testimony really despite the physical evidence. Plus there will also be the case for where she should live, if that’s with family, permanent foster care or adoption though she’s probably too old for that. All in all it’ll most likely be one to two years before she’s settled. Unfortunately it’s a very slow process.”

Yaz lifted the Doctor’s hand again and threaded her fingers through the brace, strapping it into place.

“Come here.” The Doctor demanded softly, opening her arms so Yaz could shuffle in close and resting her head against Yaz’s. “You’re amazing at your job you know. You knew how to talk to her and steer her to what you needed from her. You know me, I can ramble on to anyone but what you were doing in there took real skill. I’m really proud of you Yaz, you’re amazing.”


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can’t believe I’m writing this but… Chapter 50! And this puts me at more than 150,000 words, how did that happen! Oh My God, that is amazing! I’m so proud of myself haha! Especially because Chapter 29 was going to be the last one. Oops! Thanks to everyone who’s stuck with me so far on this and I read and treasure every single comment.
> 
> Don’t shout at me if I got my Classic Who wrong, it’s been a while. And I’ve never done Big Finish.
> 
> Also I wrote this before the Timeless Child stuff but she does know that Gallifrey has been destroyed, she was abducted just after she saw it burning.
> 
> Thankyou to JForward for Betaing and to KESWriter and JForward for listening to me as I struggled to write this chapter!

Saturday morning dawned bright and clear, the sun providing more warmth than it normally did in early March. Yaz had offered to drive but Jennifer was coming to collect them for their trip to the zoo as Lucy needed a specially adapted van that could accommodate her wheelchair.

The Doctor was back on her feet again, the redness had disappeared after a day or two despite the hospital floor and her superior healing skills had also allowed the open sore spots to heal over. Yaz was impressed, they would have put any other amputee off their feet for at least a fortnight rather than the four days the Doctor had been off hers. It also confirmed that the Doctor was considerably physically healthier than the last time it had happened. Yaz often wondered, she had never really put weight back on despite eating regularly and Yaz could still see her ribs and the bones of her spine while her collar-bone and pelvis jutted out almost alarmingly. According to her research it was yet another possible side-effect of a brain injury but she didn’t mention it, the Doctor was, not unreasonably, self-conscious about her body as it was.

The Doctor had spent most of the last few days working with Ryan though she had made time every day to be with Maisie who was now settling into a foster home. Yaz had interviewed her twice more though she hadn’t been ready to talk yet. She was more focused on tracking down her mysteriously absent parents, there was no record of her mother’s death and her father had cleared out of the family home and not returned.

Yaz had been pulling fifteen-eighteen hour shifts all week and the Doctor had been doing almost as many hours between Maisie and Ryan. Graham would take her to visit Maisie, wait for her and then bring her back home where Ryan would already be tinkering in the garage. Yaz and the Doctor had barely seen each other, other than in passing. Yaz had been coming in late at night and passing out in bed straight away while Ryan and the Doctor were still working away downstairs. Inevitably she would be woken again in the early hours when the Doctor started screaming through another nightmare. Once she had managed to help the Doctor calm down Yaz would grab another hour or two of sleep while the Doctor would get up again, presumably worked on her TARDIS stuff and then made Yaz breakfast.

But today was a day off for them both. Maisie was spending the day with her foster family and the Doctor would be cutting her visits down to three times per week for now. Jennifer was taking the day off for Lucy’s birthday trip to the zoo and Yaz and the Doctor were still going to help though neither of them were entirely sure what that entailed.

Their night had gone the same way it always did these days and it had taken more than an hour before Yaz had been able to help the Doctor calm herself down from her nightmares and she appreciated the extra few hours she had got in bed. Unfortunately, now she was late. She could hear the Doctor moving around downstairs and she got herself into the shower as fast as she could before hurrying downstairs to find some breakfast.

Yaz was surprised to find the Doctor balanced in a crouch on the floor rummaging through sideboard drawers.

“What are you doing?” she asked, adding an apology when the Doctor jumped so violently she ended up on the floor.

The Doctor accepted Yaz’s hand and pulled herself up, balancing herself on her crutches which were leaning against the sideboard. “Wrapping paper for Lucy’s present” she explained.

“You’re in the wrong drawer, bottom drawer in the kitchen” Yaz pointed, heading that way also so she could get breakfast. 

Knowing it was the young woman’s birthday, Yaz hadn’t wanted to turn up today empty handed even though she knew Jennifer wouldn’t be expecting anything. But she hadn’t known what to buy, Lucy clearly had very limited mental capacity and little to no control over her body. If she was a child Yaz would have bought her a sensory toy, or even as an adult if she knew her better which but she didn’t. Then she had thought about something to wear but Lucy’s clothes were all large and loose to make easing them over her stiff limbs easier. When Maisie’s case landed on Yaz’s desk the Doctor had promised to take over the present buying responsibilities and Yaz realised she had no idea what the Doctor had ended up with.

“What did you end up getting her?” asked Yaz curiously wincing slightly as she got a crutch on her bare toe while she poured two mugs of tea and put cereal and milk on the bar.

“Sorry! Sorry!” the Doctor flapped.

“Don’t worry about it” Yaz mumbled through gritted teeth.

“When I was fixing Lucy’s hoist, Jennifer explained to me that Lucy doesn’t sleep well so I made her this.” She showed Yaz a flat box with rounded corners painted a dusty pink colour and with a large silicone button in the middle.

Yaz looked at it, no less confused. “Going to need a bit more.” She said, sprinkling sugar onto her shredded wheat.

“It’s a projector. It will project the night sky onto her ceiling. And then if she hits this button, it will play a lullaby that I recorded on the piano. I was hoping that if it was placed somewhere she can reach it she could learn to press it herself.”

Yaz took it off her and had a look. She flicked the first switch and instantly stars and planets were projected across the ceilings and cabinets, swirling slightly and moving slowly. When she nudged the big button on the top it instantly started playing the soft strains of the Gallifreyan lullaby the Doctor had played on Christmas morning… only more so. Yaz realised she must have added in more layers as even though it was intensely soothing it was also complex and Yaz instantly felt relaxed and slightly sleepy.

“That’s incredible. I can’t believe you made this. Are the planets anywhere in particular or imaginary?”

“It’s the constellation of Kasterborous. The view from Gallifrey.” She admitted. 

Yaz nodded, appreciating the personal nature of the gift with the Doctor’s own own solar system and a lullaby she had played for her children. She wondered if she could push further, the Doctor never spoke about her past normally.

“The Time War” Yaz began hesitantly. “Is that how you lost your family?”

The Doctor didn’t look up, suddenly very intent on lining up the wrapping paper she was using just so. “Yes” she finally answered.

“Did you travel with you family?” Yaz asked, pushing further.

The Doctor sighed. “I was a very different person then Yaz. I stole the TARDIS and I ran away from Gallifrey and my responsibilities. I brought my youngest granddaughter with me, we were very close and she was only fifteen. We travelled together for a long time, even picked up my first humans though I wasn’t too impressed with them. Kidnapped them too actually, though that was deliberate. Susan was going to school and she was followed home by two of her teachers, Ian and Barbara. I was worried they would reveal our secret so we left.”

“What happened to them?”

“Ian and Barbara eventually chose to stop travelling. They married each other and lived out normal human lives on earth. Barbara died peacefully in her sleep about thirty years ago, she had cancer. Ian is still alive, lives in London. Susan…” her voice faltered for the first time. “I left Susan behind. There had been Daleks on earth in the twenty-second century, she fell in love with a man called David while we fought against them. She didn’t want to stay but I made her. She thought she should keep looking after me, my body was an old man then and I was becoming tired and frail. I didn’t want her to waste her life so I locked her out of the TARDIS and… and I left without her.”

The Doctor swiped impatiently at a tear that had fallen down her cheek.

“Is she still in the twenty-second century?”

The Doctor nodded. “She would have no way of leaving. I checked in from afar a few times to make sure she was happy. And she once helped me deal with a slight cyberman problem.”

“When you sort out the TARDIS you could go and see her. Would you recognise her if she had regenerated? Is there a way to tell or something?”

“Susan’s not a Time Lord, she can’t regenerate. All Time Lords are Gallifreyan but not all Gallifreyans are Time Lords. You have to graduate from the Academy and when you do you choose your name and you’re granted your regeneration cycles.”

“Oh. So she won’t have changed? You could go and visit?”

The Doctor finally looked at her, for the first time annoyed at Yaz’s questioning. “And tell her what Yaz? That her planet is gone? Her parents, siblings, friends, everyone she ever knew and loved from home is dead and I’m responsible? Of course I can’t go and see her. It would be cruel. It’s better she doesn’t know.”

“Better for you or better for her?”

The Doctor pushed her cup of tea away from her and got up, storming out of the kitchen in as dignified a manner as she could on her crutches. Yaz wasn’t sure if she had upset her or made her angry. Probably both.

She cleared up the two mugs and the cereal bowl slowly, put her jacket and Lucy’s present by the front door before taking a breath and heading up the stairs.

The Doctor was sitting on the edge of her side of the bed, facing away from the door. Yaz knocked lightly on the door jamb to announce her presence before walking in and sitting down carefully beside the Doctor.

“Hi Yaz.” She said softly.

“I’ve upset you. I’m sorry.”

The Doctor nodded, accepting the apology.

“Are you angry with me?” Yaz asked.

“No.” she said with a small sigh.

“Do you want me to leave you alone?”

She shook her head. “No.”

The two women sat in silence for a few moments though it wasn’t uncomfortable, before the Doctor spoke again.

“Susan and her husband David are happy and safe. They have children. She’s said goodbye to me already, if I go and visit her she would have to say goodbye not only to me all over again but also take on the knowledge that her entire planet is gone. I can’t do that to her. Do you have any idea how much I wish I didn’t know that? If I go and visit her it would be unbelievably selfish. I would be disrupting her happy life with no benefit to her.”

“I understand. I’m not sure I agree with you, but I understand.” She moved her hand over and linked her pinkie with the Doctor’s, relieved when she didn’t pull away.

“Are you okay?” Yaz asked a few minutes later.

“I lost my family a long time ago Yaz but it hurts as much now as it did then. I carry them with me, every single one of them but sometimes I wish I didn’t because sometimes it’s like I’m drowning under the weight of them and the guilt that I survived and they didn’t.” she whispered honestly.

Yaz moved closer so their bodies were touching and the Doctor shuffled in and rested her head on Yaz’s shoulder.

“I didn’t have the privilege of knowing your family Doctor but I do know your fam. And I know that none of us would ever want you to feel guilty if we died. It would be fine to remember us but not to torment yourself. And I’m pretty sure your family would be the same. You had an impossible decision to make and you made it. I can’t even begin to comprehend the enormity of that choice but I have no doubt that you would not have made it lightly. You can’t torture yourself with it forever. Just remember them how they were because you’re still here. You can honour them by living the best life that you can.”

They both startled when there was a beep from outside and Yaz’s phone vibrated with a text from Jennifer to say that she was outside.

“Are you okay to come?” Yaz asked. Although the Doctor’s face was carefully neutral, her tense, hunched posture gave away how upset she was.

“I’m fine Yaz. I need to put my leg on still, go on out so Jennifer doesn’t think she’s in the wrong place.”

Yaz was slightly surprised she was planning on wearing it.

“Do you want me to put your chair in the car?” she offered, annoyed that she was nervous for asking her girlfriend a simple question.

“I’ve been off my feet for days Yaz and my leg is fine” she bristled.

“I know. But there’s a lot of walking in the zoo, it’s a couple of miles if you go all the way round plus lots of standing still looking at exhibits.”

She huffed. “Fine Yaz, whatever _you_ think is best.”

Yaz sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose on her way out of the room, there was no talking to the Doctor when she was in this mood and it was both waring and exhausting. It was hard to know how much was just her and how much was her brain injury still trying to figure out how to process emotions.

Yaz dropped the present into the top of her bag and pushed the Doctor’s wheelchair out to the car. She opened the back door of the van to say hi to Lucy who she could hear squealing and was jerking her hands. Yaz took hold of one gently, stroking it lightly with her thumb as she wished Lucy a happy birthday before getting back out to help Jennifer who was struggling to take the wheels off the Doctor’s chair to get it in the boot.

“Everything alright Yaz?” asked Jennifer.

“You’ve had the same week as me.” Yaz pointed out.

“I have but you’re out here and Jane is nowhere to be seen.”

“She’s okay. Bit of a hard morning but she’s fine. She might clock out in the back seat on the drive if that’s alright.” She explained, snapping the second wheel off the chair with practiced ease.

“Absolutely fine Yaz, don’t worry. She can take a time-out at any point you know, Lucy and I will be pretty relaxed as long as I’m able to feed her on time. ”

“Just don’t ask her if she want’s her chair when we get there. I already made that mistake today.”

Jennifer smiled. “I won’t” she promised.

At that moment the Doctor appeared, limping very slightly, Yaz wasn’t sure anyone else would notice. Without discussing it, she climbed straight into the back seat, saying hi to Lucy.

Jennifer had the radio on playing classical. “Sorry about the music choice ladies, it keeps Lucy calm and stops her singing!” she explained. “I love you very much sweetheart but you really inherited my singing voice didn’t you?” she said, smiling at Lucy in the rear view mirror. Lucy squealed in agreement.

Yaz was right in that the Doctor ‘clocked out’ on the drive. She was still angry, that much Yaz could tell. Her eye was closed and she was facing out the window. Yaz found herself looking at her in the wing mirror as she chatted with Jennifer. She was growing more and more anxious about how the Doctor would cope when they arrived if she hadn’t calmed down. Jennifer wouldn’t judge behaviours she had little control over but they were there to be helpful, not cause more work. The zoo would be busy and packed with families on a lovely sunny Saturday morning and she was already wound up. If she ended up having a panic attack or flashback Yaz knew she would have a really tough time talking her down in that environment and then getting her out of it. 

An hour and a half later, when they were still about twenty minutes from the zoo, Yaz’s phone vibrated for the second time that morning. She fished it out of her jeans pocket and unlocked it, opening up her messages, frowning slightly when it showed a text from the Doctor of a single word.

_Sorry._

Yaz smiled very slightly and without turning round she reached her hand into the backseat, relieved when she felt the Doctor’s hand take it and squeeze lightly.

Yaz managed to catch her eye in the wing mirror and mouthed _I love you_ to her which she returned and they sat like that as Jennifer pulled into an accessible parking space at the front of the zoo. The engineering part of the Doctor’s brain was impressed with the electric ramp that unfolded and deployed at the touch of a button. Yaz was more impressed with how Jennifer was able to manoeuvre Lucy’s large, bulky chair out of the van with such apparent ease.

Lucy was clearly happy to be out and was screaming excitedly and flailing her stiff limbs as much as she could. Yaz stood chatting to her while Jennifer and Jane appeared to be arguing over who was paying for the tickets. Jennifer apparently won which the Doctor looked annoyed about and Yaz assured her that they could pay for the lunch and took her hand as they strolled towards the tigers who were the first animals to visit if they took the zoo on a cyclical route.

The tigers were lazing across rocks, clearly enjoying the sunshine like the zoo’s many patrons. They were considerably less exciting than the hyperactive monkeys they came across next. The monkeys were clearly enjoying play time as they swung through trees, ropes and tyres, shoving and chasing each other and making a din. Lucy loved it and Jennifer was able to move her right to the front of the viewing area where she squealed happily. Yaz and the Doctor held back a little more, sharing a glance over the parents with children who were making no effort to control their screaming children who were darting all over the place. The Doctor had removed herself slightly to read the lengthy information text, and Yaz suspected, to be just a little further from the admittedly overwhelming noise though she seemed to holding up just fine so far.

Yaz left her to it, the Doctor would always be happy with large amounts of new information to absorb while she want to chat to Lucy and Jennifer, carefully side stepping a boy of about eleven who was running around like crazy, presumably hyped up from the almost finished candyfloss he was holding. The Doctor didn’t do quite so well, the same child barrelled into her, sending them both sprawling to the ground, the Doctor’s prosthetic knee buckling under the impact. Somehow she ended up landing on top of the kid as she attempted to catch his head before it hit the ground and hitting her own on the information stand in the process. They both lay where they were for a moment in shock before the Doctor managed to roll of the child who was bawling loudly as Yaz and a woman who was presumably the boy’s mother ran over.

The child was already up on his feet, clearly unhurt despite the sheer amount of noise he was making. His mother was screaming at the Doctor who was still lying on the ground looking stunned by the time Yaz got over there. Yaz wasn’t sure if she was hurt yet though her leg was at a funny angle but her first priority was to get rid of the irate woman. Thankfully Jennifer appeared from nowhere and was instantly in her work mode, calming the situation allowing Yaz to crouch down beside her girlfriend.

“Hey, you hurt?” she asked, gently cupping her face with one hand.

The Doctor closed her eye, a slight grimace on her face but shook her head.

“Can you stand?” Yaz asked, keeping her voice down, aware that they were attracting an audience. She could hear Jennifer telling the woman off who was now blaming the incident on the Doctor because her son had been frightened by her appearance and that people like her shouldn’t be allowed out in public anyway. It made Yaz’s blood boil but Jennifer had years of experience dealing with ignorant people because of Lucy and had a handle on it.

The Doctor shook her head. “Don’t think so, my leg’s not right.”

They both knew the only way to deal with her leg would be in the privacy of a bathroom, she would have to take her trousers off, though unfortunately the closest one was quite a walk away, Yaz couldn’t carry her that far. Yaz looked around dithering, relieved to spot a bench just a few meters away. Yaz hauled the Doctor to her feet and kept a firm hold of her as she limped slowly to the bench, sighing softly in relief as she sat down.

“Can you… can you go and get my chair for me? Please?” the Doctor asked hesitantly, rubbing a tender spot on her head.

“Course. Is your head hurt?”

“Just a bump, no blood, I’m fine.”

Giving her a doubtful look through narrowed eyes, Yaz got Jennifer’s keys from her and hurried back to the car as quickly as she could, anxious to not leave the Doctor for any longer than absolutely necessary. Anybody who believed the Doctor when she said she was ‘fine’ was clearly someone who didn’t know her at all.

When she arrived back, Yaz was relieved to see Jennifer sitting on the bench, she and the Doctor appeared to be chatting normally and the Doctor was holding Lucy’s hand who looked upset. The Doctor smiled at her and Yaz held her chair still while she transferred into it and moved her leg to rest on the foot plate, it was still sitting at a funny angle.

“Do you mind if we visit the toilets next?” Jennifer asked. “Lucy’s a bit upset, think it was all the shouting which she hates, the toilet will be calm and I can change her while we’re there.”

“No, need to go myself and sort my leg out” the Doctor replied and they changed course and headed for the nearest accessible toilet. Jennifer waved the Doctor in first, she would be faster, and Lucy was already calming down now she was away from the noise and tense atmosphere.

The Doctor sat down on the toilet seat, pulling her trousers down. She was relieved to see that her leg wasn’t damaged, just knocked out of place and easily fixed with the sonic. She quickly sorted out the problem, washed the gravel out of the scrapes on her hands, elbow and real knee and headed back into the sunshine, leaving Jennifer to sort Lucy while Yaz went to join the mammoth queue for the ladies.

“Hey Yaz, could you give me a hand… oh.” Jennifer had just stuck her head out of the bathroom door, not realising that Yaz had disappeared.

“She’s in that queue somewhere” the Doctor explained, vaguely gesturing in the toilets direction. “But I can help, my leg is fine so whatever you need.”

“Well if you’re sure you don’t mind?” Jane questioned.

“Absolutely not, you’ll have to tell me what to do but no problem at all.”

Jennifer opened the door wider to let the Doctor in and she pushed her chair into a corner out of the way, surprised to see Lucy backed against a wall and a blanket laid out on the floor.

“There’s two types of accessible toilets” Jennifer explained, putting air quotes around the word accessible. “Most people who have a physical disability, including Lucy, can’t access a toilet like this. They need what’s called a changing places toilet which is equipped with a height adjustable bed and a hoist but there’s only about 700 or so in the UK. So most of the time Lucy has to lie on a dirty toilet floor. Are you able to help me lift her and get to the floor and back again?”

“Yeah that’s fine” the Doctor reassured, standing where Jennifer showed her and hooking her arms under Lucy’s knees while Jennifer worked on the complicated harness that held her in place and lifted her daughter under the armpits, directing the three of them to the floor relatively smoothly.

When they were down, Jennifer talked the Doctor through holding Lucy and rolling her, her body was stiff and uncooperative and even though she was out of her chair, her body hadn’t changed position, and she still had knees still tucked up. Jennifer was quick and efficient, rolling Lucy from side to side to pull her trousers down, pulling off the used nappy, wiping her with a cold baby wipe which Lucy complained about before repeating the process in reverse and a clean nappy. On Jennifer’s count they lifted Lucy back into her chair together. The Doctor was surprised to see how roughly Jennifer pushed Lucy back into the chair before she clipped the vent back into place, positioned Lucy’s head on her headrest and strapped her in, resting a pillow behind her feet again.

“I have to push her that hard, if she’s not positioned correctly in her chair it leads to shearing and skin breakdown. She had a sore a few years that left her in bed for nine months until we could get it healed. It’s like when I do her physiotherapy, it hurts her a lot but if I don’t do it, it’s not me that suffers.” Jennifer explained when the Doctor asked her about it.

Yaz was just walking in their direction as they exited the bathroom, a definite bounce in her step.

“What’s got into her?” Jennifer muttered. Yaz was many things, bouncy was not one of them.

“I can’t be sure but I would imagine she’s figured out that the penguins are nearby.” The Doctor replied quietly.

“Guys the penguins are just round the corner and they’re feeding them in ten minutes” she announced excitedly. The Doctor gave Jennifer an ‘I told you so’ glance.

There was obviously no point in arguing with her and the three women followed Yaz to the penguin enclosure, catching up with her as she snagged the empty spot at the front for the two wheelchair users and perched on the bench behind it, leaning forward to talk the Doctor’s ear off about penguin facts.

Yaz had always loved penguins, it was just something about the way they waddled. Plus there were lots of records of gay penguins which she liked too. When she was about eighteen and had finally admitted to herself that she was gay, there had been a story in the local newspaper about two gay penguins who, wanting a chick to raise, had adopted a rock and attempted to hatch it. The penguins had apparently entered a deep depression when the rock failed to hatch but the keepers had brought them an orphaned chick from another colony which the two male penguins had raised together as a family. At the time it had made Yaz feel so much more accepted and less of a freak of nature. She had cut out the article and slipped it in the back of her diary for safe-keeping. It was probably still there. Plus it was rare she got to know something the Doctor didn’t know already.

Yaz instantly stopped talking as the keepers appeared with large buckets of fish. One of them was feeding the penguins who were squabbling over the food like children and the last piece of birthday cake while the other keeper kept up an interesting spiel about penguins in general and titbits about the individual penguins that lived in the zoo.

When it was over, and Yaz had spent an additional twenty minutes pressed up against the glass, the Doctor managed to drag her away with the promise of lunch and they ambled down the path to find a café.

Yaz insisted on paying this time and soon they were sitting down with cold drinks, waiting for plates of fish and chips to be delivered while Jennifer got out the supplies she needed to feed Lucy, steadily ignoring the pitied stares that were being shot in their direction by other patrons.

“How does it work?” the Doctor asked, gesturing to the syringes and the plug in Lucy’s stomach.

“Lucy doesn’t have control of the muscles she needs to swallow effectively anymore which is why she dribbles so much. This tube goes directly into her stomach and she’s on a very strict routine so her body only receives exactly the right amount of nutrition that she needs, that way she won’t become overweight which would give her a lot of health problems and her body has less waste to deal with.” Jennifer explained, demonstrating the technique to the Doctor who was fascinated.

It didn’t take long and their food had only just arrived when Jennifer gave some Lucy some water through the tube and closed it up again, tucking her t-shirt and jumper back down again and kissing her on the nose.

“Can Lucy have anything by mouth?”

“Not really. She loved chocolate cake, it was her favourite food in the whole world. If I have any now I always give her a smear of icing to lick off my finger or a spoon. We have some birthday cake for when we get home don’t we!” she added, tickling her tummy affectionately.

“Speaking of birthdays, we have something for Lucy” the Doctor announced shyly.

“Don’t be modest” Yaz scolded her handing it to the Doctor to give to the birthday girl. “You made it, I had nothing to do with it!” She was incredibly proud of the gift the Doctor had made.

The Doctor placed the sparkly pink gift-wrapped present on Lucy’s lap with a cheerful “Happy Birthday”.

“Wow Lucy! Presents, look!” Exclaimed Jennifer, picking up the present, unwrapped it for her and showed it to Lucy, clearly trying to cover her confusion about what it was.

“Look Lucy, you used to use buttons like this in school didn’t you? Can you press it?” She held the box up and Lucy, clearly knowing what to do, made every effort to hit the button, managing after a couple of attempts and cooed with delight when she hit it and the lullaby came out clearly and softly through the speakers. The Doctor pointed out the projector switch and explained about the off button and volume controls underneath to make the music stop if she needed to.

Jennifer, for the first time since Yaz had known her, looked speechless. “I can’t believe you made this, it’s incredible” she breathed, her eyes suddenly glassy. She stood up and came round the table, pulling the Doctor into a gentle hug and sniffing slightly.

“It’s nothing, I like making stuff and you said Lucy finds it hard to sleep at night. The box is soft and light so I wondered if it could be set up where she can reach it so she can press for more music at night and the projection will last all night until you turn it off. The music is a lullaby where I come from, I used to play it for my… well… If it’s no good to you, it’s okay, I just thought you could try it…” she rambled nervously.

“Jane, it’s perfect. Thank-you. So much. I can’t imagine how much work went into this, it’s beautiful. And it’s pink, you love pink Lucy don’t you?”

Lucy gurgled as if she agreed, content with the happy atmosphere around the table.

They spent the rest of the afternoon visiting elephants, giraffes, the bug house and Lucy’s favourite, the aquarium. She became very calm in the tunnel that led under the tank which was in direct contrast to how over excited she became when she was able to touch a star fish, clearly appreciating the new texture.

The Doctor helped Jennifer help Lucy in the bathroom once more before they left and as the evening started to draw in they left the zoo but not without a visit to the shop where the Doctor bought Yaz a small, cuddly penguin chick which she stroked delightedly.

Later that evening, after they had eaten fried egg sandwiches in front of the TV and were slouched on the sofa the Doctor had to ask about what had been niggling her all day.

“Yaz, that stuff we did for Lucy today, the changing her nappy, feeding her, calming her… how much… how much of that did you have to do for me?” she asked hesitantly, staring at her fingers that she was twisting on her lap.

“Martha left catheters.“ Yaz said gently. “And we never had to feed you as such though you weren’t strong enough to lift your own cup for a while. I had to make your food small and soft but you ate it yourself if you weren’t arguing with me about it.”

The Doctor looked faintly relieved at that until an even worse thought occurred to her. “Did Ryan and Graham…”

Yaz grabbed her hand. “No. Never.” She reassured her. “Neither of them did anything more intimate than holding your hand when you were upset apart from your first night here. Ryan carried you up the stairs and they helped me sort you out though I did most of it. And I kept you as covered as I could. I thought Ryan told you this stuff the day I went back to work.”

“He did. I suppose I really didn’t consider what it meant for you until today.”

“What do you mean?” Yaz asked, turning to face her.

“It’s just, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how much all of this has affected me but I didn’t really think about how it must have affected you.”

Yaz shrugged. “Ryan and Graham were great, they basically moved in and slept on the sofas for weeks.”

“But you just said they didn’t…”

“They didn’t really go up to you much, you wouldn’t let them anywhere near you a lot of the time anyway. But they sat with you when you let them and when you didn’t they did stuff round the house. Graham did all the cooking. They both supported me.”

“Watching Lucy, I never really thought about what it must be like to need that level of care or to have to provide it.”

“Lucy needs twenty-four hour care for the rest of her life. You don’t, it’s not the same thing.”

“You didn’t know that then.”

“Of course we didn’t. We didn’t know anything then. And for the record, even if you were like Lucy, we wouldn’t have abandoned you. I don’t think we could have done what Jennifer does but we would have found some way of making it work. The possibility of an injury like hers never even occurred to us.”

“Normally I would have said that if my brain was that damaged I would have been forced to regenerate but honestly I still don’t know why I didn’t regenerate anyway.”

“Well I love you just the way you are but if you changed, that would be okay too.”

“You’re amazing, you know that?” the Doctor asked her sincerely.

Yaz scoffed. “I haven’t done anything that someone else wouldn’t have done in the same circumstances.”

“Yes you have Yaz. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for you. And I know I was hard to deal with and I’m sorry about that.”

Yaz shrugged again. “It was hard but I loved you anyway, even when I was mad at you. I think in a really horrible way it became easier when we realised you had some level of damage to your brain, it helped us to understand where a lot of your behaviour was coming from.” She admitted.

The Doctor bristled, looking offended.

“I just mean… God this is hard. You were all over the place for months. One minute you were screaming in pain, the next you were vacant like you had left the room entirely, then you would be sobbing for no discernible reason or be so angry it was honestly frightening. Knowing what was causing that made it easier to deal with.”

“It still happens. I was so mad at you this morning and it’s not like you were asking me anything unreasonable or anything you don’t have the right to know.”

“I know you can’t always control your mood but you have a much better handle on it. You don’t flick from one to the other like someone is pressing a button in your brain at random and even when you’re angry you’re in control.”

“I wasn’t in control this morning, I walked out” she said ruefully.

“Of course you were in control. You knew you were hitting boiling point so you left so you didn’t say or do something you might regret later. And you apologised. You keep seeing how you’re not the same but you forget to look at how far you’ve come.”

“Well I’m still sorry I shouted at you.”

“Apology accepted.” Yaz replied simply.

“Jennifer said something to me today. She said that when she makes Lucy do stuff she know will hurt like stretching her muscles or whatever she does it because if she doesn’t, it’s not her that suffers.”

“Do you remember the first time I had to change the bandages on your leg when you regained consciousness?” Yaz asked.

The Doctor paused for a moment, considering. “I don’t think so.”

“What Jennifer said is like that. You were lying on the bed and I had a blanket over you. Graham came up to hold your hand but you couldn’t look at him or me. When I started doing the physio the look on your face nearly made me stop again. Even though you told me it was okay, it felt like I was molesting you all over again. If you had asked me to stop I would have, but I knew that if we didn’t do it that there was no way you would be able to get fitted for a prosthetic.”

The Doctor grabbed her hand. “Thank-you for doing it Yaz. For still doing it. I don’t think I say it often enough. And I’m sorry you went through it Yaz.”

“Don’t be. We got through and out the other side.”

“Don’t belittle yourself like that Yaz. I know I didn’t choose to end up like this, or consciously choose to end up in your garden but you are incredible. Relatively speaking my body was easy to save but I don’t think anyone else would have been as patient as you’ve been to help me get my mind back. You’re an awesome human. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Well I had to live without you and it sucked. Seven whole months where I thought you were either bored of us, mad at us or dead. I was so happy when you came back.”

“Sorry about that…”

“Stop apologising! Come here…”

Yaz pulled her closer, wrapping her arms around the Doctor’s neck and felt the other woman’s hands snake around her waist, bringing them close as they kissed.


	51. Chapter 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up, there's a lot of whump and angst in this chapter. Hurt but no comfort... yet.
> 
> Be mindful of the tags when reading this chapter, if there's anything in them that might trigger you... we're going to be covering a lot of them in this chapter.
> 
> Thanks JForward for talking this through with me.
> 
> Also I've started work on another multi-chapter story if anyone is interested. It's based in series 12 when she's refusing to talk to her fam and getting more irritated with them and their dynamic is shifting but also with the sight that the 12th Doctor borrowed from the future. Basically they are stranded on an alien planet and the Doctor goes blind suddenly and is actually going to have to work with her fam. It's called Obtuse and can be found on my profile.

On the Sunday, Yaz and the Doctor were taking another day out of what had been a hectic week and would continue to be so by meeting Yaz’s family in the local park for a barbeque. They had initially been invited for dinner at the Khans, but Hakim had found a grill reduced to clear in the local garden centre and he was apparently itching to try it out. Though you couldn’t cook pakora over a barbeque so there were advantages. Yaz had also invited Ryan and Graham: Ryan needed a break from all the work he was doing while Graham needed a distraction, he was still down and Ryan had confided in the Doctor that he was worried Graham might be becoming depressed. He certainly wasn’t quite his usual cheerful self.

Yaz often used the park to run in. Despite the danger it usually meant they were facing, she missed running with the Doctor, having her hand grabbed in the heat of the moment, urging her to move just a little bit faster. But now the Doctor couldn’t run, or at least not without considerable pain and an incredibly awkward gait as her knee joint didn’t react quickly enough while her lack of ankle meant she got no feedback to push off from the ground. Yaz had used running as stress relief when the Doctor was sick but now that she wasn’t, Yaz felt guilty doing it without her and tended to work out in the gym at the station instead. But that didn’t mean the two of them couldn’t stroll hand in hand down the paths that Yaz used to run down, even if the Doctor was using her chair. She had surprised Yaz by actually admitting that she had wrenched her leg when she had fallen the day before and Yaz had been able to feel it as she had helped her stretch that morning.

The unseasonably warm weather meant the park was busy with families, groups of teenagers, elderly couples, dog walkers and joggers.

“How’s Ryan’s project coming on?” Yaz asked her as they wandered down the path under the shade of the trees that were starting to come out in blossom.

“Honestly, I’m not sure it’s going to work.” The Doctor confessed.

“What’s wrong with it?

“It’s a great idea, but I don’t know if his mechanics are there yet. The knee joint needs a lot of work, it doesn’t react quickly enough when I walk on it, so it feels lopsided and like I’m about to fall constantly and that’s with crutches. The socket isn’t a great fit which doesn’t help, Sonya was so determined not to touch me she didn’t wrap it tight enough so it’s a bit big even with all the liners and socks. He’s totally changed the design of the foot and blade though and that’s going better.”

“It sounds promising to me. Even if the knee and socket aren’t right yet, that technology exists. It’s the blade foot combination that’s the innovation.”

“I suppose. The college being closed really set him back but he’s nearly done. Couple more days should do it. He really deserves that scholarship, he’s put in a huge amount of work.”

“Do you think you’ll actually be able to use it?” Yaz asked.

“Well it’ll function. I can always get a new socket that fits better and I can modify the knee joint myself. I could do that but now but it’s Ryan’s project. I’m kind of used to mine though. I think I’ll keep using it unless I know I’m going to a situation where I’ll need to run.”

“If you travelled to the future could you get a leg that’s better than your normal one?” Yaz asked with interest.

“Not really, prosthetics don’t advance much on where they are now because medicine does. People are less likely to need an amputation and when they do they tend to end up with a transplanted limb. Same with wheelchairs, advancements in technology and stem cells means that people with spinal injuries can walk or pain is better managed so what I have now is pretty much what you would see either one hundred or five hundred years in the future. Go any further you won’t see them at all. Alien tech wouldn’t necessarily be compatible so what I have is as good as it’s going to get I think.” 

Yaz nodded in understanding. “It’s kind of weird to think about, disability being wiped out. Physically anyway. What about mental health?”

“That’s going to take a lot longer, sorry. The brain is complex and it effects everyone differently, there’s never going to be a magic pill but treatment will improve. Even if I travel into the future they can’t just make the PTSD disappear or undo the brain damage though.”

“What about your scars? Could you get rid of them if you wanted to?”

“Would _you_ want me to?” the Doctor asked, pausing and looking at her.

“If you wanted to then obviously I would support that decision but they’re part of you now. I know you don’t like them and I know why you don’t like them but they don’t bother me or disgust me, I still think you’re beautiful and I certainly wouldn’t want you to do it _for_ me. If you want to do it for yourself then that’s fine.”

“I was just wondering. I think it’s too late now anyway, the damage is done and healed. If I had had access to that technology when the burns were fresh then it would have been different.” She changed the subject. “How do you know all these little paths anyway? They don’t seem to be part of the main track.”

“They’re not, I used to run here a lot when you were sick, good stress relief and good way to keep fit.”

“I’ve seen you without a top on, you’re definitely fit” the Doctor said cheekily. “Why did you stop?”

Yaz shrugged. “Feels weird to do stuff I know you can’t do.” She admitted quietly.

“I don’t ever what to be the thing holding you back from what you like Yaz.” The Doctor said sincerely, her gut twisting slightly with guilt.

“You’re not, I work out at the station. I don’t run outside in the winter anyway, with work that would mean running in the dark and that’s not safe.”

“Well it’s not winter now.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Yaz, promise me you’ll go for a run if you want to, regardless of my feelings. Please. Or anything else you want to do whether or not I can or want to do it too.”

“Fine, I’ll go for a run” she agreed softly. “I just feel bad because it seems like I’m always making you do stuff you don’t want to do.”

“Like what?” the Doctor asked defensively.

“Like today. You wouldn’t have wanted to hang out with this many people even before everything happened. And I know you don’t like being out in public because there are too many people plus Sonya.”

“But I still get to spend the day with you Yaz and that’s way more important than anything else.”

They were coming to the end of the trails and there were more people around, mostly groups of teenagers.

Yaz was right the Doctor supposed, she hated being out in public, people stared, they whispered. Her better than human hearing was not a blessing as she often heard comments she clearly wasn’t supposed to. People rarely made comments about her appearance to her face and when they did Yaz was all over it.

Like today, they passed a group of teenage girls in short skirts and too much make-up. The Doctor heard their hurtful comments though Yaz didn’t seem to.

“ _Are they, like, together? That’s disgusting.”_

_“Must be like making out with tree bark.”_

_“If I looked like that, I would kill myself.”_

She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to ignore them. Trying not to cry. This regeneration was probably the weepiest she’d had though she hadn’t really cried before she met the Mhufeist so maybe it was more in response to that.

_Deep breath Doctor, don’t cry here._

“You alright Doctor?” Yaz asked, looking down at her girlfriend who had frozen to the spot.

_She hadn’t heard._

“Yeah fine. Sorry, was just daydreaming.” she lied, electing not to tell Yaz what the girls had said. They were gone now anyway.

“Okay” Yaz said suspiciously. It wasn’t like the Doctor to zone out in the middle of a conversation. “I’m going to use the loo before we go and meet everyone else, meet you back here in a few?”

_Oh Rassilon, don’t leave me out here._

“Yeah fine. I won’t wander off.”

There were quite a lot of people milling around and the Doctor spun her chair around and moved around the corner of the toilet block so her chair wasn’t blocking the path. She closed her eye, taking a minute to gather her thoughts.

She spent the vast majority of her time around people who were used to her appearance, so it was jarring being out with lots of people who weren’t. Arguably they were more used to it than she was, she was an expert at avoiding looking in their bathroom mirror and there weren’t any others in Yaz’s house. Yaz being there helped but she couldn’t expect Yaz to fight all her battles for her.

She breathed a sigh of relief as she moved into a slightly less public space, taking a moment to gather her thoughts. She was wearing the compression shirt that Najia had given her but already her nerves felt frayed, a busy park in the sunshine was a lot of stimulation all at once. But she could do this. Yaz was here. Yaz never let anything bad happen.

She tried to hold onto that thought as a group of men? boys? younger than Ryan, so boys, sauntered over in her direction. They were wearing baggy hoodies, hoods pulled up despite the heat of the day and she recognised the look in their eyes as they stared at her.

She squeezed the push rims of her wheels and swallowed reflexively. 

They were coming closer.

The one at the front was the tallest. They were all tall. Even if she was standing they would be leaning over her. One of the ones at the back, the one in the blue hoodie was hooting with laughter at something his mate had said. The Doctor didn’t quite catch it but judging by the way they were leering at her it was nothing good.

This couldn’t be happening. Not again. She couldn’t go through that again.

Yaz promised it wouldn’t happen again.

They were coming closer now.

She couldn’t make out what they were saying over the roaring in her ears but there was no mistaking their crude hand gestures or their threatening body language.

Her breathing was getting faster.

No.

Breathe.

NO.

Calm down!

They’re getting closer.

Leaning over her.

She can smell their breath.

NO!

There’s a bang of a door.

“Doctor?” a voice calls.

Answer her.

Stop cowering and call back.

“Yaz!”

Stupid wobbly voice.

_“Who’d want to fuck that anyway?”_

Breathe.

“Doctor?”

Yaz. Yaz is right in front of her.

“Don’t touch me” she manages to gasp, feeling Yaz holding her hands.

“Sorry, sorry.”

The hand was removed instantly.

“Talk to me. What’s happened?”

“I’m OK. Just… just a lot of…” she waved her hand around, gesturing “Stuff.” And plastered her most reassuring smile on her face.

“Do you need a break?”

She blinked experimentally a few times, relieved that her vision slowly coming back into focus.

“No. I’m fine, we can go.”

“Are you sure?”

Yaz sounded suspicious, she didn’t look at her, Yaz always knew when she was lying. Damn police training.

“I’m fine Yaz. Let’s go.”

She took a hold of the wheels of her chair, backing up and turning so she was facing the right direction and hoping that Yaz wouldn’t notice just how much her hands were shaking.

She tried to distract herself using the grounding techniques Yaz had taught her, quietly reciting things she could see under her breath as she followed just behind Yaz.

Except Yaz kept slowing down to talk to her.

She could see the Khans now, they were at the top of a small, grassy hill overlooking the boating lake.

Yaz stopped and stood in front of her, stopping the Doctor from moving any further.

She crouched down so she had no choice but to look her in the eye.

“Are you sure you’re okay love?”

Yaz looked worried.

“Fine Yaz. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know. You tell me. You’re shaking.”

“Honestly I’m fine. Just a bit overloaded I think.”

“What can I do to help?”

“Just…” she closed her eyes for a moment and let out a slightly shaky breath. “Just give me a push up the hill.”

It was a grassy hill with no path.

Yaz still looked worried but she took hold of the Doctor’s back rest and they worked together to get her up the incline where they were greeted by the Khans enthusiastically.

Yaz hugged her family tightly, making sure to grab her mum first. Najia was the only one of them likely to hug the Doctor as well and whatever the Doctor said, she wasn’t fine and Yaz strongly suspected a hug would tip her over the edge right now.

“Is the Doctor alright?” Najia whispered, looking at where the Doctor had moved her chair away from the group and had her arms wrapped around herself tightly, looking very far away.

“Don’t think so but she’s trying to hold herself together, just give her space. I’ll get her out of here if I need to.”

“She kind of looks like she needs it now…” Najia said, concerned.

“I’ve offered. She’s an adult she can make her own decisions. If she gets to the point where she can’t make that decision then I’ll deal with it.”

“Is that why she’s using her wheelchair? Haven’t seen her use it for ages?”

“No, she was fine earlier, the chair’s just because it’s a bad pain day.” Yaz said with a small smile.

“Does that happen often?”

“She’s in constant pain mum but some days are worse than others.”

Hakim was already at the barbeque and had burgers, sausages and kebabs cooking while Najia cut bread rolls and Yaz busied herself getting everyone something to drink. They hadn’t even had time to sit down before Graham and Ryan arrived noisily.

Graham hugged Yaz before wandering over to give Najia a hand, ever the Grandad, but Yaz didn’t manage to warn Ryan who hugged the Doctor from behind, causing her to jump violently and let out a small yelp.

He backed up instantly, apologising profusely. Yaz watched as he attempted to help her calm down by trying to distract her. It was working to an extent, she had stopped holding herself but she was pulling at her fingers now instead. Despite the amount of time the two of them spent together Yaz knew he didn’t have much experience dealing with her when she was worked up like this.

Yaz kept an eye of them as she helped her dad on the barbecue, while the Doctor didn’t seem to be doing any better she also wasn’t deteriorating which she would take for now. Did she think the Doctor should go home or at the very least take a time out to regroup herself? Absolutely. But the Doctor was supposed to be learning to take better care of herself, Yaz would only override that decision if it got to the point where the Doctor clearly wasn’t in any state to make it. She wasn’t sure exactly what that would look like, but she would know it if and when she saw it. She really hoped she wouldn’t.

“Where’s Sonya?” she heard Graham ask Najia.

“She’s working this morning; she’ll be along later. Another new job!” Najia replied with an affectionate sigh. Her daughters were like chalk and cheese, Sonya couldn’t hold down any sort of job or boyfriend while Yaz was incredibly dedicated to both her job and her long-term girlfriend.

“Ryan can you spread out the blankets love? Called Najia.

Ryan finished whatever it as he was saying to the Doctor and she nodded before he jumped up and sorted out the blankets clumsily. The Doctor slowly helped him ferry things from the cool bags the Khans had brought onto plates on the blankets, her wheelchair made slow going on grass and she had to balance things precariously on her lap or wedge them between her thighs.

Just a few minutes later Yaz put a disposable metal tray full of the slightly burnt burgers and sausages onto the blanket and the six of them picked up their drinks and sat down. The Doctor was still shaking slightly and Yaz subtly gave her a hand to get safely from her chair to the blanket where she settled between Yaz and Ryan at one end while Najia, Hakim and Graham were at the other end already discussing the merits of different types of barbecues.

The food was good, despite the slightly burnt texture from the meats, and Najia had outdone herself with a range incredible side dishes and snacks to go along with it. Yaz found herself flopping back onto the blanket when she had finished eating, too full to move and felt Ryan do the same behind her.

The Doctor didn’t move, she was still tense and hadn’t joined in with any of the conversation over lunch, but she did take Yaz’s hand when she felt her fingers poking her hand lightly. Yaz tried to pull her into the conversation but it was in vain and she let her be instead squeezing her hand reassuringly, and shifted slightly so her head was resting beside the Doctor’s thigh.

Yaz was enjoying listening to the sounds of her family chatting around her punctuated by the birds and the noise of children playing. She wouldn’t admit it but the constant broken nights were getting to her again and she was utterly exhausted.

The Doctor had the cheese grater sensation again, where it felt like someone had grated all her nerves or something. Holding Yaz’s hand was good though. Yaz was always good and she squeezed her hand again. She took a breath and lay down like Yaz and Ryan were, resting her head on Yaz’s stomach and concentrating on matching her own breathing to the rise and fall of Yaz’s diaphragm beneath her head. 

She jumped when there was a particularly large screech from a child somewhere close by, it felt like someone was lighting her nerves on fire and she sat up abruptly, panting slightly.

“I’m going to find the ice-cream van? Who wants ice-cream? No one? Just me then?” she rambled very fast as she pulled herself shakily into her wheelchair.

“Want me to come with you?” asked Yaz

“No! No, you stay here with your fam. Family. I’m fine, back in a few minutes. Just really craving an ice-cream.” She said, already making her way down the grassy hill.

Ryan frowned as he watched her go. “What was all that about?” he asked Yaz quietly when he was sure the Doctor was out of ear-shot.

“She needs a break, that screaming child made her jump and she was already feeling overwhelmed.”

“I thought all this had stopped?”

Yaz sighed heavily. “I really wish it had. It’s getting better, she hasn’t had a panic attack since that one at New Years but she’s still not right, it’s hard.” She admitted.

“You never tell us this stuff Yaz, you should talk to us. We can help.

“I hate talking about it Ryan. I nearly lost her. And every time she has a flashback or panic attack I’m worried I’m losing her again. That it will be the time where she retreats so far into her head I won’t be able to bring her back… And it feels like betraying her to tell you guys stuff she’s told me in confidence.”

“You can’t do it all on your own Yaz. How’s she doing day to day?

“Up and down. Screaming nightmares every night. Jumps at every sudden noise. Cries when she thinks I can’t hear her and all that’s when she’s on an even keel. Do you know she still hasn’t left the house alone? The only times she’s been out without me are to the college with you, to get my ring with Graham and New Years Eve. Some days she’s fine, almost like her old self, others I can’t get her out of bed.”

Ryan wrapped his arm around her shoulder. “She’s gonna be okay Yaz. Don’t forget that a year ago she was catatonic. She couldn’t eat or speak or sit on her own and she was in so much pain. She needed oxygen nearly all the time just to breathe and you had to hold her constantly to keep her calm.”

“Yeah I know. Most of the time she’s my girlfriend and it’s amazing but other times I feel like a nurse. If she’s not back in five minutes I’ll go and find her. It’s hard to decide what to do sometimes, she's a grown woman, old enough to be my distant ancestor really, but other times I’m worried I’m babying her.”

“She’s never said she feels like that to me. But I know what you mean. She’s been back with us for ages but she’s not the woman who was on that plane with us which was really the last time we saw her before all this. She's so… docile. Like all the fight has gone out of her. Except it hasn’t because she would have never got this far if she wasn’t fighting. It’s like she is the Doctor, of course she is, but she isn’t at the same time.”

“When did you become so wise Ryan?” asked Yaz.

“Hey! I was always wise!” he protested playfully.

“You’re an amazing friend to her and to me Ryan, I’m glad she has you, she needs people other than me. You’ve really stepped up for her. Most boys our age would have run a mile and certainly wouldn’t have introduced her to their friends.”

“Me? I’ve done nothing except abuse her engineering skills Yaz. You’re incredible, Grandad and I are really impressed with everything you’ve done.”

The Doctor carefully controlled her descent down the hill, aware that Yaz was watching her and headed off in the right direction of the ice-cream van she had spotted earlier. She didn’t actually want one but she should probably bring one back now she had made such a fuss about it.

_Stupid stupid stupid_

Her hands were still shaking though not as much as she pushed herself down the smooth, tarmac paths which were much easier to move across than the grass and she moved quickly, trying to recite _The Canterbury Tales_ in her head to distract her from her thoughts but her brain was refusing to concentrate and instead she tried to concentrate on making each push of her wheels as long and smooth as her noodle arms would allow and stop her vision from blurring round the edges.

She wasn’t paying any particular attention to where she was going, her thoughts were far too muddled to allow her to concentrate on planning a route somewhere right now, so she was surprised when she did indeed end up at the ice-cream van. Unsurprisingly the queue was huge.

She was about to join the queue when she realised there was no way for her to push her chair and hold an ice-cream cone at the same time, not to mention the fact that her hands were perpetually filthy when she was in her wheelchair as they picked up all the same dirt the wheels did.

She gave a low growl of frustration which attracted more attention than she intended and she screwed her eyes shut tightly, backing up and trying to block out the horrible, pitying glances that were coming her way.

_Why are you so fucking useless?_

_Can’t even buy a fucking ice-cream without someone to hold your hand._

She was breathing too fast again and she balled her hands into fists, squeezing them as hard as she could and ignoring the fact that her fingernails were breaking the skin in an attempt to ground herself.

Suddenly there were hands on her.

She didn’t know those hands.

Who was touching her?

“Awww sweetheart were you just trying to buy yourself a yummy ice-cream?” a strange woman’s voice cooed at her.

The Doctor forced herself to open her eyes. She didn’t know the woman but she was standing way too close and for some reason had her one arm around the Doctor’s shoulders and the other rubbing and stroking her scarred arm, making it feel like it was burning all over again.

_Goawaygoawaygoawaygoaway_

“Come on chicken, let’s get you that ice-cream.” The woman was speaking to her like she was a particularly special three year old.

She grabbed the back of the Doctor’s chair without permission and began to push her towards the van which had started playing the same irritating tune that ice-cream vans across the galaxy seemed to play.

It was too loud and too bright and going right through her skull.

She tried to open her mouth and tell the woman to leave her alone. She didn’t want ice-cream and if she did she was perfectly capable of getting it herself but the words wouldn’t come out. When she tried it was like she was choking on them.

_Bloody broken brain._

The woman pushed her towards the front of the queue.

“There we are sweetheart, we’re next, have you got some money?”

The woman was rubbing up and down her scars again.

Everything was going black.

_A Grofriar._

_That was her punishment._

_She shouldn’t have done it._

_It hurt._

_It hurt so much._

_Why was he doing this to her? She would do whatever he wanted._

_Anything to make it stop._

_Please._

_No._

_NO!_

_She lashed out, trying to get rid of him._

_Felt her hand connect with him._

_That hurt._

_It was worth it._

_NoNoNoNoNo_

_It wasn’t worth it._

_He was going to do it again._

_She was falling._

_She hit out again._

_Get away from me._

_Noooooo_

_She was strapped down._

_No, please no._

_She kicked._

_He was touching her._

_No._

_He was going to punish her now._

_Why did you make him angry?_

_You know what he can do._

_She screamed as the acid hit her face._

_She curled up, wrapping her arm round her head to protect it._

_She was still restrained._

_She could feel the acid coating her skin, burning through her skin._

_It was in her eye._

_Was her ear melting?_

_It was eating her face._

_Her eye._

_She couldn’t see._

_She couldn’t stop screaming but she could feel it on her lips._

_Oh just let me die._

_Please._

Sonya checked her phone as she ambled lazily through the park. She had just finished her first morning shift at the local call centre and it had been mind numbingly boring. Ryan had texted her to let her know where they all were.

Apparently he’d brought his grandad along.

Why?

Between him and Yaz’s weird girlfriend they made an odd group. It wasn’t like the Doctor (and that was another thing, did the woman even have a name?) wasn’t hot before she disappeared. But now just looking at her made Sonya feel a bit nauseous. And Yaz actually touched her? Presumably more than that but who knew, Yaz was an odd one.

She checked the instructions again. Turn right at the ice-cream van, follow the path and up the hill.

Well there was the ice-cream van. There was some sort of commotion going on and she wandered over to have a look.

As she got closer she could hear someone screaming and people were gathered round.

It was the Doctor. Why was she not surprised? And making a complete and utter spectacle of herself.

She was in her wheelchair but it was half tipped over, stopped from going over completely by the side of the ice-cream van. She was screaming and bright red in the face and literally hitting and kicking at random strangers who were trying to help.

Sonya rolled her eyes and pulled her phone out again.

 _“Hey Son, you nearly here?”_ came Yaz’s voice from the other end.

“There’s something wrong with your girlfriend again.”

_“I’m coming, where are you?”_

Sonya could hear her sister moving already as she explained how to get to the ice-cream van.

Yaz hung up abruptly.

“Rude” muttered Sonya.

She debated wandering up to where she knew Ryan would be, she really didn’t want anyone to know she knew the screaming lunatic but Yaz would kill her so she moved closer instead.

“Right people move” she demanded, pushing her way through. “She’s making enough of a show of herself without you lot pressing in around her.”

Sonya grabbed the Doctor’s chair to try and sit her upright but the Doctor clearly didn’t appreciate it and lashed out wildly, managing to connect solidly with her arm and succeeded in tipping the chair entirely.

“God you weirdo it’s just Sonya” she grumbled, rubbing theatrically at her arm.

“Yaz what’s up?” Ryan asked as Yaz scrambled to her feet, still on the phone.

“Something’s wrong with the Doctor” she called behind her, already sprinting down the hill to where Sonya said she had seen her.

She knew she should have insisted on taking her home. She certainly shouldn’t have let her go off on her own. This was all her fault.

As she rounded the corner Yaz could see a crowd of people. More terrifyingly she could hear blood curdling, pained screams.

She ran faster, vaguely aware that Ryan was close behind her and pushed through the knot of people.

She had no idea what had happened, but it was nothing good, the Doctor hadn’t been in this state for a long time.

The Doctor’s wheelchair had tipped over and she was half suspended in it awkwardly. Normally Yaz would never touch her when she was in this state but she didn’t think it was helping the situation and talking as soothingly as she could in a voice loud enough to be heard over the screaming she reached in to undo the Doctor’s lap belt, getting the Doctor’s boot in her face for her trouble.

“Sonya get us some space. Don’t let anyone call the police or an ambulance, it’ll only freak her out more. Ryan stay where you are, I might need you.” She groaned, clutching the side of her face where the Doctor had kicked her.

The Doctors screaming had turned into more of a high pitched wail and she was shouting what sounded like disjointed phrases in High Gallifreyan.

“Doctor it’s Yaz. You’re safe. I don’t know where you are right now but it’s not real. You’re in the park. I’m here and Ryan is here. You’re safe.”

The Doctor bucked once and let out a scream before she started to tear at the scarred skin of her arms and face viciously with her nails.

“Yaz, what’s she doing?” Ryan asked in horror.

“It’s a flashback Ryan. I don’t know where she is but it isn’t this park and whatever she’s remembering it’s like it’s happening all over again for her.”

The Doctor had succeeded in tearing at her skin and there was a trickle of blood running down her arm.

“Doctor, please don’t hurt yourself” Yaz begged, trying to keep calm. “You’re safe, it’s not real I promise. You’re safe. I’m right here with you.”

She tentatively reached out to touch the Doctors shoulder but she jerked back violently away from the touch with a snarl.

“You’re safe Doctor. You’re in the park on Earth in 2020. There’s nothing here to hurt you I promise.”

It didn’t seem like the Doctor could hear her. Yaz glanced at her watch, they had been at this for more than ten minutes.

The Doctor clawed at her own arm savagely and more blood than ever started to flow as she reached up to try it again.

“Yaz you have to stop her” Ryan cried.

“I know! But I think I’m going to have to restrain her and that’s probably going to tip her right over the edge.”

“Yaz she’s already over the edge! Do what you have to do.” Ryan looked like he was going to cry.

“I’m going to come in from behind and grab her wrists in a bear hug. Can you hold her legs down?” Yaz asked.

Ryan didn’t look too sure but he nodded.

“I’m sorry Ryan but you’re going to have to hold her tightly because she could attack either one of us.”

Yaz counted down and the two of them moved in.

Yaz was using all of her police training and strength as she moved in behind the Doctor who let out a howl as soon as she felt Yaz’s touch, jerking and bucking to try and get away as Yaz held tightly.

Yaz could feel wet on her face as she talked softly into the Doctor’s ear and realised she was crying.

It only made her more determined and she rearranged herself so she was holding the Doctor the way she did when they did deep pressure while still restraining her arms and wrists.

“I’m sorry Doctor. I’m really really sorry. You’re going to be okay, I know you’re scared but I’ve got you. You’re safe. I love you so much. It’s Yaz holding your wrists and Ryan has your legs. You’re safe and as soon as we know you won’t hurt yourself we’ll let go I promise.”

The Doctor continued to thrash and struggle as Yaz and Ryan held on grimly, talking to her softly.

It went against everything Yaz knew about a flashback but she just couldn’t allow the Doctor to hurt herself anymore and if she hurt a passer-by they could end up with police and consequently medical personnel turning up which they couldn’t risk.

All of a sudden the screaming stopped and was replaced with a hideous choking sound.

“Ryan let go!”

“What’s happening?” he shouted in terror.

The Doctor’s body had gone rigid, her eye had snapped open and she was shuddering violently.

“She’s having a seizure!”

Ryan sprang back and Yaz laid the Doctor back down on the grass on her side, watching in horror as the Doctor’s body seized almost rhythmically, a horrible whitish drool leaking from the side of her mouth and a distressed choking sound coming from inside her.

Yaz knew it had happened before at New Years but from what Ryan and Graham had said, it had had nothing on this.

“Sonya she can’t breathe, go to my car, there’s still an oxygen cannister in the boot. We need it now. Go!”

For once in her life Sonya, who looked quite frightened, picked up the keys Yaz had thrown at her and ran towards the car park.

Ryan had pulled off his jumper and folded it into a square and was now putting it under the Doctor’s head.

“What the hell happened?” came a new voice.

Yaz looked up, Najia and Graham had just arrived.

“She was having a flashback, I don’t know what of exactly but she just completely overloaded and this is her brains way of protecting itself, kind of like hitting a reset button.” Yaz explained, trying very hard to sound more calm than she felt.

“You’re okay Doctor” Yaz soothed, gently stroking her hair, her scarf long gone by now. “I know you’re frightened. You’re having a seizure. I know it’s scary but it’ll stop in a minute. I think everything just got a bit much for your brain today. You’re going to be fine, I’m right here with you.”

At that moment Sonya arrived back and Ryan grabbed the bag from her, handing the full face mask to Yaz who secured it over the Doctor’s nose and mouth while he turned the cannister on.

It was another full minute before the Doctor’s body stilled and Yaz breathed a sigh of relief as she rolled her into the recovery position.

“What do we need to do?” Najia asked, she was pale and looked thoroughly unnerved as she hugged Sonya who was refusing to look.

Yaz placed her fingers gently at the base of the Doctor’s throat, feeling for her pulse. There was one beating wildly but she couldn’t detect the second.

“Only one heartbeat” she murmured to Ryan who nodded to show he had heard.

“We need to get her home. She’s going to be really frightened if she wakes up here.”

“Shouldn’t we call an ambulance sweetheart?”

Yaz shook her head. “She doesn’t need one. She needs her own bed and familiar people. This doesn’t happen often but I know how to deal with it.”

“I can drive you home” Graham offered. “Ryan and I walked here.”

“Thanks Graham.”

“Yaz she’s not even conscious, are you sure you should be doing this?”

“Mum, I told you earlier that if she hit a point where she couldn’t make a decision I would make them in her best interests. I didn’t expect it to be so dramatic but clearly we’ve hit that point. I’ve been doing this for nearly a year and a half, you have to trust that I know what I’m doing. Ryan and Graham will help me.”

Najia looked helplessly at Graham who said something to her Yaz couldn’t hear but seemed to reassure her none the less.

Ryan had righted the Doctor’s wheelchair and with Yaz’s help he scooped her up gently and placed her in it, her head leaning against his chest as he started pushing her towards the carpark while Yaz carried the oxygen tank.

She was shaken and her face hurt. Thankfully her mum hadn’t been witness to that.

At her car Yaz slid into the back seat and caught the Doctor as Ryan lifted her in. She rested the Doctor’s head on her lap and did her best to secure her with a seatbelt.

She couldn't help but feel that this was all her fault. Why didn't she make the Doctor go home?

As they drove, she prayed they wouldn’t get stopped by the police and that the Doctor wouldn’t wake up mid journey.

She prayed that she would be okay.


	52. Chapter 52

Yaz hurried up the stairs ahead of Ryan who had the still unconscious Doctor in his arms and was being followed by Graham who was carrying the oxygen and supporting her head. She stopped at the hot press and grabbed a handful of towels before shooting into the bedroom, pulling back the duvet on the bed and covering it with towels. She had only put clean sheets on it that morning and the Doctor was filthy.

Ryan was gentle as he laid her carefully out on the bed and tugged off her boots to make her more comfortable.

“Now what?” Graham asked, wringing his hands, and looking anxious.

“Make her comfortable and wait for her to come round. Can you go and get me a basin of warm water and a face cloth?” asked Yaz, sensing his need to be busy while she adjusted the oxygen mask over the Doctor’s face which had got knocked sideways. Her lips were still tinged blue and she was wheezing.

“Yaz, don’t suppose you’d have a t-shirt that would fit me do you?” Ryan asked, gesturing at his own shirt in embarrassment where there was a large damp patch from carrying the Doctor.

“Sorry Ryan” Yaz said apologetically, pointing him to a drawer where she kept her pyjamas. There were definitely a few over-sized t-shirts in there.

“Don’t be. It’s not her fault and certainly not yours, she can’t control it. I don’t know as much as you do about all this but I do know that all the muscles are affected during a seizure including the bladder and respiratory muscles or whatever she’s got going on in there.”

“Pulmonary tubes” Yaz answered softly.

“Eew” laughed Ryan quietly, selecting a t-shirt Yaz wore over her police vest occasionally with the police departments logo on it.

“Well you have giant, squishy, pink sponges in your chest. That’s no less gross.” Yaz pointed out.

“True” he agreed.

“Besides she’s got two hearts in there, where would she put a pair of lungs?”

“I dunno, she’s bigger on the inside?” Ryan teased as he stepped into the bathroom to wash his chest and slip the clean, dry top on and reappearing a few minutes later, closely followed by Graham with the water and face-cloth Yaz had requested.

“What are you going to do?” Graham asked.

“Clean her off, she’s filthy, clean PJs, sort out the damage she’s caused to her arms, tuck her in and let her sleep it off. Then I wait until she’s awake and deal with whatever state of mind she’s in.”

“Right, I’ll wait downstairs for that bit” Graham said, suddenly embarrassed when he realised the Doctor was about to be stripped and left the room quickly. Yaz heard the noise of her kettle being switched on.

“Do you need help?” Ryan asked.

“Maybe… haven’t done this for a while” Yaz admitted. “Can you get her some pyjamas, they’re in the drawer beside where you got the shirt.”

Ryan grabbed a pair of plain navy pyjamas and set them on the bed.

Yaz dealt with the Doctor’s bottom half first, relieving her of her wet things, giving her a quick wash with the face cloth and putting on the fresh pyjama bottoms, explaining everything she was doing to the Doctor who still appeared unconscious.

Yaz worked quickly as she unthreaded the Doctor’s arms from her t-shirt’s. The compression vest proved trickier and she gently scooped the Doctor into her arms, supporting her around the shoulder and head while Ryan tugged it off and quickly pulled the soft cotton pyjama top down over the Doctor’s head. Her breathing sounded easier while she was in an upright position leaning on Yaz so Ryan stacked a few extra pillows behind her to prop her up and keep her breathing more easily before Yaz laid her back down gently.

“Can you grab me some bandages and anti-septic from the bathroom?” Yaz asked.

There were deep, angry looking red welts running down the Doctor’s arm where she had attempted to claw her own skin off.

She started with the warm water Graham had brought up, sponging off the dried blood before cleaning the wounds with the anti-septic and bandaging them.

Finally she carefully tucked the Doctor in tightly with the duvet and arranged her arms in a neutral position on top of it, making sure the bandage was covered by her pyjama top.

“Is that it?” asked Ryan.

Yaz looked at him. “Can you think of anything else we can do for her right now?”

“I guess not.” He admitted, gathering the Doctor’s clothes, his own top and the used face-cloth to put in the wash.

Yaz swept a stray hair out of the Doctor’s face and kissed her head softly. “I’ll be right downstairs” she explained gently before tip-toeing out of the room, leaving the door open.

Downstairs she rummaged in a drawer for a moment before she found what she wanted, lifted it out and plugged it in.

“What’s that?” asked Graham, pressing a cup of tea into her hands.

“Baby monitor” Yaz sighed. “It’s a good one, it’ll pick up if she starts making noises or moving around which would indicate she’s waking up.”

She sank heavily into a chair at the table and rested her head in her hands, feeling Ryan sit down beside her and wrap a comforting arm around her shoulder.

“Mate, why didn’t you tell us how bad things still are?” he asked her softly.

“They’re not bad” Yaz protested, annoyed to find that she was crying already.

“Yaz love, she just had such a massive flashback, she attacked several people, including you, and got so worked up that her brain short circuited into a seizure to stop it and now she’s unconscious upstairs, relying on oxygen.” Graham pointed out gently, passing Yaz a bag of frozen peas for her face.

“You need to talk to us Yaz. We thought she was okay now. I mean we know she’s not… how she was” he said, choosing his words carefully “but we had no idea this was still happening.”

“It’s not so much. She hasn’t had a panic attack or flashback since the one you saw at New Years and she hasn’t needed oxygen support in nearly six months, not including the day of the fire though I don’t think that really counts.” Yaz argued.

“That’s not everything though is it Yaz. You told me earlier she’s having nightmares every night and some days you can’t get her out of bed.” Ryan pointed out.

“When was the last time you got a full nights sleep love?”

Yaz shrugged. Dealing with the Doctor in the middle of the night was just routine now.

“You _need_ to sleep Yaz. You can’t possibly take care of her if you don’t take care of yourself.”

“She doesn’t need taken care of!” Yaz wiped her eyes with her hands.

“Yes she does Yaz. Maybe not as much as she did but you literally just washed her and put her to bed while she’s unconscious. And if what happened today had happened when she was on her own the police would have been called, she’d have found herself with four of them restraining her and probably locked involuntarily on the psyche ward.”

Yaz shrugged again, it was something she tried not to think about.

“She’s still very dependent on you love isn’t she?” Graham asked.

“You don’t have to say it like it’s a bad thing!” Yaz burst out.

“I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but the Doc has way more baggage than we know about. You’re carrying all that on your own.”

“What we’re saying Yaz is you don’t need to. Talk to us. Tell us what you need so we can help.”

Yaz stood up. “I’m going to go sit with her.” She said, desperate to escape the situation. Why were they ganging up on her?

Ryan caught her wrist gently. “No, I’ll go sit with her. Graham is going to make you some dinner and then you’re going to go to bed and get a full nights sleep.”

“I can’t. She’ll need me when she wakes up!” Yaz objected tearfully.

“Yaz she’s completely out of it, the last time she had a seizure she slept for six hours and that one was way less dramatic than this one. Get some rest, I promise I won’t leave her on her own.”

“You have to wake me if she wakes up or if she’s upset, even if she’s unconscious.”

“I promise.” Ryan said, offering her his pinky finger.

Yaz gave him a watery smile and latched her pinky round his.

“Can I go upstairs and dig out the airbed and say goodnight at least?”

“You fighting with her?”

“No course not, but she was flashing back to being raped. I don’t know how with it she’ll be when she wakes up, sleeping in the same bed would be like taking advantage of her.”

“She knows you would never do that Yaz.”

“She knows when she’s lucid. She might not be when she wakes up, sometimes it takes her a while.”

“How long is a while?”

“Not very long, usually only a couple of minutes but sometimes an hour or two.”

“Do you know what her flashback was? So we’re prepared?”

“I think” she began softly. “I think she was remembering getting burnt by the acid.”

“What happened Yaz?” prompted Graham.

“It was just before she got to us. You know that I suppose, the burns were fresh that night. A creature called a Grofriar had _bought_ a couple of hours with her.” She practically spat the words out. “It raped her repeatedly and then tried to force her to do…” she blushed, staring intently at her tea “… oral. She bit… it and it got angry. Apparently, it’s species can excrete an acid similar to hydrochloric acid and it sprayed her in the face. She could feel it eating her eye and her skin and the remains of her ear sliding down her face. She said it was way worse than when her leg was amputated.”

Ryan looked distinctly pale and Graham looked like he was going to be sick.

“Christ” he said under his breath.

“She remembers getting her leg cut off?” Ryan asked in horror, remembering how he had been tasked with holding her down in case she had regained consciousness in the middle of it.

“Sort of. She said it’s a trick of her race, she doesn’t really consciously remember it but if something triggers her memories she will. Which reminds me, if you’re sitting with her, she might not be as unconscious as she looks so watch what you say in front of her.”

Yaz followed Ryan up the stairs and dug the airbed out of the cupboard that she hadn’t slept on for a year and dropped it on the floor along with a pillow and a blanket before crossing over to the Doctor who hadn’t moved though was having small spasms in her limbs. Yaz took her hand gently.

“Why is she twitching like that?” Ryan asked.

“It’s like a hangover from the flashback. Her brain is sending random signals out to her body. It can last for days.”

“Will she be alright when she wakes up?”

“If she’s lucid she’ll probably use her wheelchair because she’ll be wobbly but if she’s not she most likely won’t know she only has one leg when she tries to get up so she’ll end up on the floor.”

Ryan nodded, he had seen that happen before when she was on the Ginger Beer after their holiday though he had never told Yaz about that particular incident.

Yaz turned her attention to the Doctor. “Ryan’s gonna keep you company for a while and I’m going to get some sleep downstairs. Rest easy, I love you.” She gently replaced the Doctor’s hand on the blanket, stroked her head and kissed her cheek.

She tried to hide her tears from Ryan as she left the room but it didn’t quite work and he caught her easily, wrapping her in his strong arms for a hug.

“Thanks Ryan” she sniffled, embarrassed that she was crying again.

His only response was to squeeze her tighter.

Yaz picked up the bed and blanket to head downstairs. Behind her Ryan was already pulling the chair up to the Doctor’s bedside and chatting to her.

“Hey Doctor, you gave us a right scare back there you know” he said conversationally “but I suppose we’ll get over it. Yaz said you can probably hear what’s going on so I’ll do us both a favour and keep singing to a minimum. I’ll assume this book is yours, doesn’t really look like Yaz’s thing but I can always read it to you for a while… or at least I’ll try. There’s a lot of big science words in here which really isn’t my forte. You can tease me about it when you wake up if you like. Or yell at me for butchering it. Whatever floats your boat really.”

He opened the book to the page the Doctor had marked, the unfamiliar words already swimming across the page as he did his best to read what was essentially a foreign language. Instinctively he picked up the hand that Yaz had just replaced on the bed sheets and found himself holding it gently as he read to her.

Downstairs Graham had made Yaz scrambled eggs on toast and she ate it without really tasting it. There was nothing wrong with it, she just wanted to be with the Doctor. She couldn’t settle the feelings of guilt. She should have seen the signs. They never should have left the house; all the indicators had been there and it had been one hell of a week for both of them.

Suddenly Yaz found herself choking and running for the bathroom where she promptly vomited all of the eggs and toast into the toilet. As she heaved she could feel Graham behind her, holding her hair back and talking to her soothingly. When Yaz was done he wrapped a surprisingly strong arm around her and led her, still weeping, to the sofa where he sat down next to her while she cried.

Yaz felt embarrassed as Graham rocked her gently while she cried and cried, creating a horrible wet patch on his cardigan from her tears and snot, she had always been an ugly crier.

“Let it out love, no shame in it” she could hear Graham talking to her. He was always so kind.

He dug in his pockets and emerged with an old-fashioned, clean, cotton hankie which he handed to Yaz who, despite herself, gave a watery giggle as she blew her nose and dried her tears.

“It was all my fault Graham.”

Graham looked confused. “What’s all your fault?”

“Today. I knew she wasn’t right. I knew we should have stayed home.”

“Yaz it was not your fault love, there was no way you could have predicted this. It’s been a really long week for her, probably more taxing than she’s had for ages with the bowling, the incident at the pub, all the stuff she’s been doing with that kid Maisie and you two were out all day yesterday not to mention the work she does with Ryan. That’s a lot more than she’s done at once for a long time. She did amazingly to get as far as she did.”

“Don’t you see? That’s exactly why I should have predicted it!” Yaz burst out. “She nearly had a panic attack at the bowling alley, I collapsed into her arms in the pub, she had a horrible fall and got berated by a rude woman in the zoo yesterday. I should definitely have seen this coming and we should have stayed home!”

“Did she want to go out today?”

“Yes but…”

“But nothing Yaz. She’s capable of making her own decisions.”

“She only went because she knew I wanted to go!”

“So? That’s called being a good girlfriend. I’m sure you do stuff because she wants to do them.”

“Not really. She never tells me what she wants, usually just goes along with me.”

“Yaz, did you give her the option of staying home?”

“Of course. Loads of times. Tried to persuade her that we could go home earlier in the day too but she wouldn’t go because she wanted to spend time with me.”

Yaz started to cry again, burying her head back in Graham’s shoulder

“I heard what you said to your mum Yaz, you were right. It’s the Doctor’s decision to make about whether or not she’s out but after everything you’ve been through together you can make that decision if, and only if, she’s no longer able to make it. You’re her girlfriend first and her carer second.”

“What if I don’t want to be her carer?” Yaz whispered, suddenly ashamed of herself.

“Then I think you need to ask yourself, do you not want to be her carer or do you not want her to need a carer?”

“What do you mean?”

“Outside the realms of being her girlfriend, what extra things do you do for her on a daily basis that you wouldn’t have to do if she wasn’t the way she is now?”

Yaz shrugged. She didn’t even really think about it. “I don’t know Graham. I put cream on her scars and do physio on them and her leg twice a day. I calm her down when she has nightmares. Deal with her depression and anxiety issues as and when.”

“And what about other stuff you do that’s not every day?”

“What does it matter? I deal with her panic attacks every couple of weeks, they don’t happen so much now and even when they do they’re usually easier to deal with. She still has mood swings from the brain injury so every so often she gets incredibly angry for no good reason.”

“Now put those things together. Do you ever begrudge her when you have to do them? Would you rather someone else was doing it?

“No of course not! I just do it; I don’t even think about it.”

“Exactly my point Yaz. It’s not that you don’t want to be her carer, you want her not to need one in the first place. You’re in mourning.”

“I’m not mourning Graham, she’s not dead, she’s right upstairs.”

“You’re mourning the person she used to be” said Graham gently, still holding Yaz close. “She’s still the Doc, she’ll always be the Doc but she’s been irrevocably changed by what she’s been through.”

“Does that make me a terrible person? If I miss the person she used to be?” Yaz whispered.

“Of course not love, she’s not the same as the woman you fell in love with but that doesn’t mean you can’t or haven’t fallen in love with her all over again.”

“I love her so much Graham but I’m so frightened of losing her.”

“I know it’s ironic to say this tonight Yaz but she’s not sick, you’ve basically brought her back from the brink of death already and it was nothing like this. She loves you so much, you’re all she talks about on those car rides to see Maisie.”

Yaz smiled, absently twiddling the promise ring the Doctor had given her for Christmas.

“Did she tell you about buying that ring?” Graham asked

Yaz shook her head.

“We went into town, it was just after the fire you remember? She was still coughing and spluttering but she must have dragged me through every shop in Sheffield. By the end of it she could barely walk, thought I was going to have to carry her to the car. But she wanted to find the perfect gift for you.”

Yaz smiled despite herself, it sounded so like the Doctor.

“You two really compliment each other Yaz, the Doctor pushes you out of your comfort zone, you get her to find hers.”

“Thanks Graham” Yaz whispered.

“But Yaz, I need you to promise me something.” Graham’s voice was serious now.

“What?” asked Yaz, looking at him.

“You’re not alright Yaz, you need to promise me you’re going to talk to someone.”

Yaz snorted derisively. “Graham if I went to a shrink and said I look after my traumatised alien girlfriend and sometimes it’s a bit much for me I’d be the one on the psyche ward!”

“I didn’t mean a shrink necessarily Yaz, though I’m sure you could talk to them without telling them the whole truth. Talk to me. Or Ryan. Your mum or your sister. Your boss that you get on so well with. Anybody. You can’t keep this stuff bottled inside you love, it’s going to eat you up inside until there’s nothing left.”

“I’m fine Graham”

“Somehow Yaz, you sounded even less convincing than the Doc when you said that.”

Yaz sat back against the sofa defensively.

“Why won’t you talk to us?” Graham asked, changing track.

“Because it feels like I’m betraying her. Sometimes, things I do for her are pretty personal or she tells me stuff that’s really private. I can’t just tell you that stuff. It just feels wrong to talk about her behind her back.”

“I’m not asking you to tell me that Yaz. I’m asking you to share the burden. Talk about how you’re feeling love, the good, the bad and the ugly. I’m not gonna judge you and I’m not gonna repeat anything you say to anyone, but carrying all this is wearing you out. You’re no good to her or anyone else if you’re drowning under the weight of it all.”

“You make it sound like I should leave her or something.”

Graham looked shocked. “Absolutely not, your relationship is your business, I’m just here to listen, make tea and give out Grandad advice.”

“Can I ask you something personal Graham?”

Graham chuckled. “Ask away love, I just might not answer you.”

“Grace was your nurse when you were going through chemo yeah?”

Graham nodded in affirmation.

“How did you two manage? To balance the roles I mean. She was your partner and your wife but also you were sick? How did you make it work?”

“Grace fussed around me something dreadful at first, it took us a while to get into a rhythm. I was okay when we first met, that’s why I asked her out. But a couple of months later I was really sick and kept getting infections I couldn’t shake. I was spending all day on the couch or in bed. I was on chemo and radiotherapy at the time, I was bald and couldn’t hold anything down though I don’t think I ever lost as much weight as the Doc has, she looks like a papercut would go right through her these days.”

Yaz nodded, she worried about how thin the Doctor was even though she seemed to eat plenty.

“But anyway, a lot of it was mental too. Grace… Grace knew me, better than I knew myself, she knew what I could and couldn’t do for myself and didn’t put up with my shit basically. But I also knew she was my person, the one person I could cry in front of and never feel embarrassed. I could tell her how scared I was and know she would still hold my hand and she could do the same with me. But also, I’m the one who kept her from starving because one thing Grace could not do was cook. I put up with Ryan when he was a stroppy teenager and tried very hard to treat him as my own. When she lost her sister and had a total breakdown I was there for her. Sometimes one person might need a lot more from the other in a relationship and that’s okay Yaz, as long as they’re returning the favour in other ways. It’s not always going to be like for like because no two people have exactly the same needs at the same time.”

“How do you always know what to say?”

“Because I’m a Grandad Yaz, it’s in the job description.”

Yaz laughed again. Properly this time.

“Yaz get some sleep love, you look done in. I’ll go sit with the Doc for a while and let Ryan sleep before his shift tomorrow.”

“You’ll wake me if anything changes?”

“Yes love. Promise.

“Thanks Graham.”

He kissed her lightly on the forehead. “Goodnight Yaz.” 


	53. Chapter 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No specific trigger warnings in this chapter but the Doctor is pretty sick, though if that's something you don't cope with you probably wouldn't have made it this far but just in case.

Sunlight was coming through the window strongly when Graham shook Yaz awake the next morning. She looked blearily at the clock, shocked to see that it was almost noon. She had been asleep for about sixteen hours, she had never even slept that long as a teenager and she instantly felt guilty and rolled her painful muscles off the airbed and stood up.

“How’s she doing?” Yaz asked him urgently.

“Still doing her twitching thing love but not awake yet.”

“Is Ryan with her?”

“He left for work a few hours ago but he’ll be back this evening, just us here. You go on up and I’ll make you something to eat and bring it up for you.”

“Have you slept Graham?” Yaz asked softly.

“I had a few hours but now you’re up I might go and sleep in my own bed for a bit if that’s okay? Don’t think my old bones would appreciate a kip on the sofa.”

“Of course it is, you should have woken me hours ago.”

“You needed the sleep love, I’m alright, not dead yet anyway. Now go see her, I’ll be up soon.”

Yaz hugged him tightly. “Thanks Graham” she whispered in his ear.

Upstairs, the Doctor hadn’t moved from how Yaz had positioned her the night before. She was still propped up with pillows to raise her head, her arms by her sides on top of the duvet, oxygen mask on and covering her face. Thankfully, the wheezing had stopped though her muscles were still twitching randomly and her face was creased with discomfort. There was a sheen of sweat on her face and when Yaz put the back of her hand to the Doctor’s forehead it was clammy to the touch. But to her great surprise the Doctor opened her eyes and looked at her.

“Hey” Yaz greeted softly, “Graham told me you were still sleeping.”

She gave a small jerk of her head.

Yaz brought her hand down to the Doctor’s cheek. “You with me Doctor?”

Another jerk. Yaz furrowed her brow in confusion. She looked down to her other hand which was leaning on the bed, the Doctor was making very weak attempts to nudge it with her own. Yaz took the hint and grasped it lightly.

As soon as Yaz took her hand the Doctor felt herself relax a little. She didn’t know what was wrong with her. She couldn’t move, she couldn’t speak, the world was fuzzy with the colours ramped up to eleven and it was like someone was messing with the volume controls because sound kept coming and going. And she hurt. She hurt everywhere, like her whole body had been set on fire. It was worse than regeneration. Almost worse than having her face eaten by acid.

A small moan escaped her lips and she realised she was crying again.

“It’s alright, you’re okay love” Yaz soothed.

The Doctor could feel Yaz gently squeeze the hand that was being held and she used the other one to carefully wipe her tears away. She couldn’t help it, but she pulled her head back as much as she could from Yaz’s touch which felt like it was stabbing her.

What was wrong with her? She tried to speak again but the words refused to make their way from her brain to her mouth and she allowed her eye to drift closed again.

“No sleeping right now okay?” she heard Yaz say from above her.

She made a monumental effort to open her eyes and look at Yaz, just because she had asked.

“Well done. Can you speak?”

She tried, she really did, but all that came out was an embarrassing squeak.

“That’s okay, it’ll come. Don’t force it, no reason to get upset. Can you squeeze my hand?”

Yes! Yes that was something she could do. She willed her fingers to move properly and give a twitch for Yaz to feel. It felt like trying to move through concrete.

“That’s great, we can work with that. I want you to give me one squeeze for yes and two for no. Do you understand?”

One squeeze – yes.

“Do you know who I am?”

One squeeze – yes. Of course, I know who you are, you’re Yaz, possibly the most amazing human ever created.

“Do you know who and where _you_ are?”

One squeeze – yes.

“Are you in pain?”

She squeezed as hard as she could for that one because whatever this was, it really really hurt.

“Okay, lot of pain. I’ve got the message and I want to help you with that. You’ve been still for a long time, can I help you find a new position?”

One (reluctant) squeeze – yes.

“Can I roll you onto your side so you’re facing me?”

One squeeze – yes.

Yaz let go of her hand and the Doctor instantly mourned the loss of its comforting contact.

Yaz untucked her from the duvet and, holding her under her shoulders, pulled out all the pillows that were propping her up before laying her down flat. The Doctor cried out in pain as her now very stiff muscles and joints protested at the movement and rebelled against it. They were spasming and jerking all over the place like she had been plugged into the electrics and she couldn’t stifle a shriek of pain. Through it, she could feel Yaz’s cool hand holding hers. That was weird, Yaz’s hand shouldn’t feel cool, Yaz’s body temperature was more than double her own.

But then the moving started again and her vision blacked out as she felt Yaz roll her onto her side. She was vaguely aware of her head being propped onto a pillow and others being stuffed in front and behind her to stop her falling. What the hell was wrong with her? She couldn’t ever remember feeling like this.

She was aware that she couldn’t breathe, like she had just been running. Why was she out of breath? Had she been running? Her heart had stopped. Lefty again? Why had her heart stopped? Explained why she couldn’t breathe. She should really tell Yaz only one heart was working but the words were stuck somewhere between her brain and her mouth. Did she fall? Was that why she hurt so much? Why was everything black? Right, eyes closed. She squeezed them a few times experimentally before they opened again. Why was the room looking so funny? Right, only one eye now. Yaz’s face swam into her field of vision again.

“Hey don’t worry about it, I know you’re feeling pretty scared right now but you’re safe” came Yaz’s voice, but it sounded very far away even though Yaz was right in front of her.

She watched as Yaz pulled a tissue from the box on the bedside table and wiped her eyes, and then to her utter humiliation, wiped her mouth as well where the Doctor realised she had been drooling through the side of her mouth where the damage was. That hadn’t happened for ages. She felt heat rise in her cheeks and tried to hold back another cry.

“You’re really hot, I’m going to go downstairs and get you a cold drink and some ice.”

_Please don’t leave me._

“I’ll be as fast as I can” she promised, correctly interpreting the look on the Doctor’s face.

Yaz hurried down the stairs and into the kitchen were Graham was still tidying up. He took one look at her face and wrapped her in his arms.

“What’s the matter love?” he asked, pulling them apart and looking at her, his face creased with concern.

“She’s conscious… sort of. She can’t move or speak, she’s in a lot of pain and she’s burning up. It’s like her brain’s gone totally haywire or something. Why can’t she catch a break? I need some ice and a cold drink.”

Graham caught her from her flap around the kitchen where she was making no progress. “Yaz stop. Get her a glass of juice not water, it’s got sugar in it and it doesn’t sound like she’ll be up for eating. There’s ice in the freezer, take it and I’ll make you more before I go. She’s going to be fine love, she always pulls through, even if it looks scary now.”

Yaz shook her hands out and managed to co-ordinate herself to lift a water bottle with a straw in it. She filled it with the Doctor’s favourite orange and mango juice and made an ice pack before hurrying back upstairs.

The Doctor was just as she had left her. She was still crying and she was shaking more than ever.

Yaz put her supplies on the bedside table and took her hand again. “I’ve brought you a drink, can I switch your mask for the nasal cannula?”

One squeeze – yes, and a jerk of her head that could have been a nod.

Yaz carefully unwound the nasal cannula from where it was neatly wrapped around the oxygen tank, once again prominently beside their bed.

She made the switch as quickly as she could, not wanting to leave the Doctor without the support. She wasn’t entirely sure she still needed it but it was certainly providing emotional support. She cried harder than ever as Yaz had to lift her head twice, the first time to remove the green elastic securing the mask, the second to loop the tubes around her ear. It seemed like every touch for the Doctor was painful.

Yaz nipped into the bathroom and lifted a couple of face cloths, the first of which she ran under the cold tap.

“I’m sorry Doctor” she apologised as she washed the Doctor’s face with the cool water and she moaned under the touch.

“I know you don’t want to, but do you think you can tolerate some ice on your neck? You’re really hot.”

She gave a half nod, her face the picture of misery.

When Yaz put the ice-pack behind her head she gave a noise a little short of a scream.

“I’m so sorry, just five minutes okay? We really need to bring your temperature down. I don’t think this is just your brain rebelling from yesterday, I think you’re sick on top of everything else. Can you get the flu?”

The Doctor looked at her hand, willing for Yaz to take it again.

She got the message.

One squeeze – yes. She could get a human flu. It wasn't easy to catch, someone with it would have to be right up in her face and even then... but it's effects would be much more serious than they would with a human... it would certainly explain the temperature and headache, maybe some of the achiness as well but not why she couldn’t move or speak or why her whole body felt like it was burning.

She looked at Yaz again, desperate to talk to her but once again the words got lost between her brain and her mouth and she let out a squeak of frustration. Yaz picked up the bottle of juice and held it up for her to drink and she gulped greedily. She was utterly humiliated when nearly as much as she drank dribbled out again and Yaz had to hold a cloth to her mouth to catch it. 

She couldn’t help but moan a little when Yaz took it away from her again.

“More in a minute, don’t want you to be sick.” She explained.

There was a knock on the door and Graham walked in with a plate of sandwiches for Yaz and two mugs of tea, one with a straw sticking out of it.

“Hey Doc, good to see you back with us. Yaz told me you’re having a lousy day.”

She hummed in affirmation; not like she could say anything.

“Do either of you ladies need anything?” Graham offered.

“No, thanks Graham, go home and get some sleep.”

He hugged her goodbye and gave the Doctor’s hand a gentle squeeze. “I made you dinner, it’s in your slow cooker and will be ready any time after six” he told them and Yaz heard him stomp down the stairs, leaving the two of them alone.

“Do you need anything?” Yaz asked her.

Two squeezes – no.

Do you want me to go downstairs so you can sleep?”

Two squeezes – no. Please don’t go Yaz.

“Okay, I’ll stay right here. I’m just going to get my laptop, it’s on the bookcase behind you.”

Yaz disappeared from her field of view briefly but when she came back, she settled herself into the chair and gave the Doctor some more juice.

“I promised Jennifer I would get some work done from home but I’m going to stay right here. Try and get some sleep now. Are you comfortable?”

One squeeze – yes. She wasn’t particularly but she didn’t think she could handle changing position again right now and didn’t really think it would help anyway. Her vision was already darkening around her again and she felt Yaz place her hand back on a pillow.

She wasn’t sure how long she had been out for when she was woken by the ringing of the doorbell. She jumped, the movement causing her body to ache even more, and she groaned. Yaz caught her hand and squeezed it comfortingly. 

“It’s just Sonya, mums sent her over with your scarf, they found it in the park yesterday after we left. I told her to come in quietly but when did she ever listen” Yaz said, rolling her eyes theatrically. She pulled out her phone and texted her sister telling her the door was open and to just come up stairs.

Sonya rang Yaz’s doorbell impatiently, forgetting Yaz had told her to just come on upstairs where she and the Doctor were hanging out. Who hangs out in a bedroom?... No don’t go there Sonya, Yaz and the Doctor are weird but they’re not that bad. What was so important about the damn scarf anyway?

Her phone buzzed, a text from Yaz was inviting her upstairs. She let herself in and stomped up, just to be safe, she couldn’t actually hear anything.

But when she got into the bedroom all her inappropriate jokes fell away. The Doctor was in bed, wearing perfectly modest pyjamas. Sonya took in the tubes up her nose delivering oxygen, the cushions stuffed in front and behind her and in the space where there should have been a leg another pillow clamped to her chest supporting her arm with all the scars. Her limbs kept contorting in what looked like a painful way, she was sickly pale with a red rim around her wet eye and Yaz… Yaz holding a drink with a straw for her with one hand and mopping up all the juice what was dribbling out of her mouth.

“Hey Sonya” Yaz greeted her.

“Hi” she managed to force out. The sight was pretty shocking and she couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to reduce the Doctor from the woman who had turned up in her flat a couple of years ago talking about purple sofas to… whatever this was.

The Doctor was looking at her, the look on her face clearly asking what she was doing here though she didn’t verbalise it.

“Mum wanted me to bring your scarf over for you” she explained.

The Doctor gave a watery smile.

“Do you want to wear it?” Yaz asked.

Sonya watched in confusion as Yaz took the Doctor’s hand and the Doctor squeezed it as her only response.

“The Doctor has a bit of a hangover from all the brain issues she was having yesterday” Yaz explained in answer to her unasked question. “She’s finding it hard to move or speak right now and she’s in a lot of pain. And just to make things more fun she seems to have caught the flu as well. But you can still understand everything that’s going on, can’t you?”

Sonya recognised the last bit as a warning to herself to not ask inappropriate questions.

“We’re working on one squeeze for yes and two for no” Yaz added in further explanation.

Sonya watched as Yaz moved some of the cushions surrounding the Doctor and, actually supporting her head like a baby or something, scooped her up into a sitting position. The Doctor gave a whine of what sounded like discomfort as her head seemed to fall forward without her control, landing on Yaz’s shoulder.

“Can you tie her scarf?” Yaz asked.

Sonya swallowed. Could she tie a scarf? Obviously, yes. But, something about being that close to the Doctor and touching her gave her the creeps. She didn’t like it and she wasn’t proud of it, but she couldn’t help it. The way her skin was all thick and twisted and… just gross. And she had never seen her without the rainbow scarf on and now she knew why. The gross skin continued over half her head and apparently an eye wasn’t the only thing she was missing as she saw a little, twisted nub where there should have been an ear. But weirdest of all was that she still had hair on half her head. Somehow, she thought, it would be better if she was bald all over.

“Sonya?” prompted Yaz, waking her from her thoughts.

Sonya sat awkwardly behind the Doctor and tucked her hair behind her remaining ear and draped the scarf over her head. It was made harder because the Doctor’s body kept jerking or twitching randomly but eventually she got the scarf tied semi neatly and watched as her sister lowered the Doctor back onto the bed, arranging her limbs into a more comfortable position while, unbelievably the Doctor panted with exhaustion even though she hadn’t done anything to help.

Almost as soon as Yaz was done her phone began to ring and she left the room to answer it. Sonya couldn’t follow her out of the room without looking ridiculous, so she settled for perching uncomfortably on the edge of the chair Yaz had been sitting on when she had arrived.

“Uhhh so how’s things?” she asked, internally cringing when the Doctor raised her eyebrows in response.

Thankfully Yaz chose that moment to make a reappearance.

“Doctor, that was Jennifer, they think they’ve found Maisie’s dad!”

The Doctor gave a tiny smile and exhaled hard.

“But they need me to go and collect Maisie and bring her in to the station so she can formally identify him, he’s refusing to cooperate. I’ll be a couple of hours but Ryan should be here in half an hour or so, is it okay if I go out?”

Sonya watched as Yaz took her hand again to get a response.

“Are you sure?”

Sonya couldn’t see a visible response but there must have been one because Yaz bent over and kissed her cheek and told her she loved her.

“I’m really sorry about this, I wouldn’t go if there was another option but I’ve already had most of the day off, I can’t take advantage of Jennifer’s understanding nature anymore than necessary.” She explained, looking uncomfortable with leaving.

Sonya went to follow her.

“Where are you going?” asked Yaz.

“Can you drop me off at home on your way in?”

“What? Sonya no. I need you to stay here with the Doctor. I can’t leave her on her own.”

“Yaz! You…” she trailed off not sure how to say what she wanted to… like no way, what the hell would they talk about? The woman couldn’t talk! Was she expected to entertain her? She didn’t look too good, what if she died on her watch?

“Sonya, it’s not rocket science. If she needs a drink hold the cup for her. If she can’t breathe switch the nasal cannula for the full face mask, it’s right there. Take her hand if you need to ask her something so she can squeeze it, but otherwise don’t touch her it’s not rocket science. Ryan’s already on his way.”

“I… fine.” she said, more confidently than she felt as Yaz hurried out the door, waving at the Doctor who managed to twitch her own fingers in response.

Sonya sat back down awkwardly. Now what? They didn’t even have a TV up here they could distract themselves with. She stared around the room feeling distinctly uneasy, looking at everything except the Doctor. Looking at her was… unnerving.

There was a picture on the wall of Yaz and the Doctor. She couldn’t work out where it had been taken but they both looked ridiculously happy, grinning for the camera, Yaz on the Doctor’s back in some sort of piggy back. It was before the Doctor’s… accident? her face relaxed and unscarred, and she looked like she was holding her sisters weight without a problem.

When she was distracted by a cough from behind her, the picture was in sharp contrast to the woman in the bed.

“Do you need a drink?” she asked, feeling ridiculous as she put her hand beside the Doctor’s whose fingers twitched once as she continued to cough.

Sonya picked up the water bottle, whatever was in there smelled nice, and put it right up to the Doctor’s mouth, cringing as it banged against her teeth. The Doctor ignored it and half clamped her mouth around the straw, gulping the juice desperately. Too late Sonya remembered about the cloth to mop up the drips as a large glug of juice dribbled out of her mouth and onto her pyjama top in an undignified manner.

Sonya had never been so relieved to see Ryan before when he stomped up the stairs, closer to forty minutes later, even if things had been strained between them for the last few months. Maybe the two of them could escape downstairs and take advantage of the empty house for a while?

“Hey Doctor!” Ryan greeted. He kept his voice low but it was cheerful and squeezed her hand gently.

“Hi Sonya, Yaz told me you were here.” He said, not quite managing to meet her eye.

He turned his attention back to the Doctor, taking her hand again and crouching down to her level so they could communicate.

“Yaz told me you’re having a miserable day, so I brought DVD’s.” He produced two. “These were me Nan’s favourites. Nothing like singing nuns to cheer you up!”

The Doctor smiled, him being here was such a relief, he always treated her the same. She would never want Yaz to stop helping people like Maisie and if sitting with Sonya for forty minutes was the price for that then that was fine, but wished she could have got some words out to clear the air a bit.

“You need anything before we start?”

One squeeze – yes. She needed to move, her headache was getting worse and she desperately needed to sit up.

“A drink?”

Two squeezes – no.

“Food?”

Two squeezes – no.

“Uhhh” he looked embarrassed, what was he about to say? “The bathroom?”

Two squeezes – no. No way. That could wait, if Yaz wasn’t back till morning that could wait. But she wished she could tell him how much she appreciated him asking. Because she knew he would have done it if she asked without hesitating. Even if he did look relieved now that she had said no.

“Change position?”

One squeeze – yes. Yes please.

“You wanna be on your other side?”

Two squeezes – no.

“Back?”

Two squeezes – no.

“Front?”

Two squeezes – no. How was she supposed to watch a movie lying on her front? Come on Ryan!

“Sit up?”

One squeeze – yes. She knew he would get there in the end.

He looked at her for a moment. “You gonna topple over if I sit you up?”

One squeeze – yes. Probably. She sniffed impatiently when she felt yet more tears come out of her eye. For goodness sake Doctor it’s just sitting. No need to get so worked up about it. Or maybe there is when you can’t do it.

Ryan wiped her face. Rassilon, was there going to be no end to the humiliation of this day?

“What about if I sit next to you on the bed and you lean on me? Would that work?”

One squeeze – yes. She glanced nervously at Sonya. Would she mind? They were probably hoping for some alone time and here she was monopolising Ryan.

She watched as Ryan set up the film on his laptop and kicked his work boots off and under the bed. He walked round to Yaz’s side where she couldn’t see him anymore but felt him climb up behind her and she moaned slightly as the bed shifted under his weight, willing herself not to cry again but _Rassilon_ it hurt.

“I’m gonna lift you Doctor. I’ll do it as quick as I can alright.”

He didn’t wait for an answer but was moving pillows out of the way. Before she knew it he had one of his hands under her shoulders and the other under her knee and stump and he was lifting her in one movement to rest against the head of the bed.

She was disgusted with herself when she let out a scream of pain but Ryan kept doing what he was doing and she was vaguely aware of him tucking pillows behind her and under her arm that wouldn’t be next to him. Her vision was going all funny again until she felt the nasal cannula being removed and the familiar pressure of the oxygen mask being snapped over her face again. She closed her eye, concentrating on breathing and slowly worked out that Ryan had settled next to her as the world slowly started to come back to her. He had placed pillows between them and angled her slightly so she was leaning against him but not having any contact with his rough work clothes.

He took her hand again. “You ready?”

One squeeze – yes.

He pressed play and the opening credits of Sister Act rolled.

“What’s the matter?” asked Yaz in concern when she walked back in four hours later. Sister Act Two had finished. Sonya was asleep in the chair beside the bed. Ryan was sitting on the bed, the Doctor resting against him and she was crying.

“I don’t know, she was okay and then this started about twenty minutes ago, she can’t tell me what’s wrong, even with the squeezing thing.” Ryan said, sounding upset.

Yaz perched on the edge of the bed and reached out to take the Doctor’s hand.

“Hey, love. I know this has been a rotten day for you. I need you to try and tell me what’s wrong. I think you’re in more pain, is that right?”

Yaz felt the tiniest of twitches from the Doctor’s fingers.

“Okay, I’m going to help you, but I need you to trust me. You haven’t moved for about thirty hours now and I think your body is rebelling against that on top of everything else, can I help give you a stretch? I know it’s going to hurt but I wouldn’t suggest it if I didn’t think it was the right thing to do.”

There was a long pause and then an even tinier twitch, giving her consent.

Yaz got up and shook her sister awake. “Sonya, I need you to go and wait downstairs.” They really didn’t need an audience for this.

Sonya yawned in her sister’s face, she hated being woken up. But maybe now she and Ryan could spend some time together.

“You coming Ryan?” she asked, gesturing with her eyes so he would know what she meant.

“Just a minute…. Do you want me to stay and hold your hand Doc?” Ryan asked.

He looked at Yaz for an answer who nodded, when she felt the Doctor’s fingers move.

“I’ll be down in a bit Sonya. Wait for me yeah?”

She huffed as she stomped out of the room. Why did he want to stay and watch whatever weird thing her sister and her girlfriend were about to do?

Yaz waited until her sister was down the stairs before speaking again. “Doctor, I’m going to get you flat on your back first. I’m going to start on your foot and work my way up and then I’ll do your other leg. I’ll tell you each step before I do it and if it gets too much, let Ryan know, he’s going to hold your hand.”

Yaz pulled all of the cushions and the duvet off the bed and she and Ryan worked together to lay her down flat.

Yaz was as gentle as she could be as she lifted the Doctor’s leg off the bed supporting her calf as she started by moving and stretching her toes and ankle, pushing them and holding them for ten seconds each time. The noise the Doctor was making was tearing her heart out through her chest. She must be in excruciating pain to produce a sound like that.

It took half an hour before Yaz had worked all of the Doctor’s major muscles on each side of her body and she had cried loudly the whole time. Yaz had also noticed the stained pyjama top and had quickly dressed the Doctor in a fresh one while Ryan had held her up but kept his eyes closed.

Eventually they had the Doctor settled on her back again and Yaz chased Ryan from the room, she had a feeling the Doctor probably needed some even more personal care and she could manage that alone. The least she could do was leave the Doctor with whatever dignity she had left.

Without questioning it, Ryan went downstairs. He felt a bit shaky, putting her through that… they had tortured her. She had been in agony beforehand and they had gone and pulled her and stretched her while she had screamed and cried. He had tried to distract her, telling her about some of the things the other idiots on his course had gotten up to but they had fallen flat. He wasn’t even sure she had been able to hear him she had been in so much pain.

He was the first to admit that he probably didn’t know enough about the Doctor’s condition but he did know that her body rebelled much more quickly than a humans when she wasn’t looking after it and that Yaz never would have put her through that if she didn’t think it would work.

He sank down into the sofa, pinching the bridge of his nose. God, he was tired.

“Is there something going on between you and the Doctor?” Sonya asked accusingly. She stood in front of him with her arms crossed in front of her chest.

He opened his eyes blearily.

It took Ryan’s brain a minute to catch up. “What? No of course not!”

“Really? Then why did you have her draped all over you tonight? I thought we could have some time together, we never have an empty house.” She said suggestively.

“It wasn’t empty.” Ryan pointed out.

“As good as, not like she was going to roll her lazy ass out of bed and catch us was it?”

“Sonya have you listened to yourself? You have no idea what she’s been through. She’s my friend. No scrap that, she’s way more than that. She’s like my sister. Yaz too. We’re a fam. And you can accept that and be part of it or you can leave. But don’t ask me to choose because you wouldn’t like the answer.”

“How can you say that Ryan?”

“I’ve lost me mum and me Nan. Me Dad fucked off to God knows where. Graham and Yaz and the Doc, they stopped me going off the rails. It’s because of the Doc I’m going to go to uni. Me! I never thought I could do that. They helped me cope when Nan died and without them I’d probably be in prison or dead. And I will repay that.”

“What happened to her wasn’t your fault Ryan.”

“I know that but we thought she was dead. She wasn’t, she was going through hell. She was raped, tortured and degraded every day for months on end. She is more than entitled to have a bad day Sonya. All you see when you look at her is an amputee and scars. She has PTSD and a Traumatic Brain Injury. Yesterday her brain got so overloaded just by the memory of what she went through that it triggered to a seizure to make it stop. Today it’s still rebelling against her. When she cries it’s because she has absolutely no other way to communicate. She can’t help it and I know she is probably mortified that any of us, including Yaz, have seen her like this. You need to show her some respect. She is a strong, independent, incredible person and I am honoured to be her friend.”

“I don’t like what she’s doing to Yaz.” Sonya argued stubbornly.

“What do you mean?”

“Look at the state of her and she’s got Yaz wrapped around her little finger. Yaz does everything for her and she just lets her. I don’t like my sister being taken advantage of.”

“She’s not taking advantage of Yaz. You think we would let that happen? We practically had to restrain Yaz to make her sleep last night even though the Doctor was still unconscious, and she couldn’t do anything about it. They love each other, if you spent any time with them, you’d see that.”

“Yaz is only twenty-one. She shouldn’t be stuck caring for someone.”

“Most of the time she isn’t. Besides who do you think took care of Yaz when she got hurt at work that time? Or when her drink got spiked? Or when she had the stomach flu over Halloween? Their love goes both ways Sonya, I don’t know how you don’t see that.”

“She’s my sister Ryan. I have to look out for her. She tried… she tries to kill herself once, I can’t let that happen again and if that woman is responsible…”

Sonya broke off, embarrassed to find herself on the verge of tears.

Ryan stood up and hugged her tightly.

“I know about that Sonya and so does the Doctor. Yaz told us how you saved her life. Trust me, we won’t let Yaz go down that road again, we’re looking out for her, all of us.”

“I can’t lose my sister Ryan.”

“When the Doctor’s better Son, the four of us will go out yeah? Spend the day together. You don’t even know her and you’ve never really spent time with her and Yaz. I bet they can change your mind… Just bring your sick bucket, they can be a bit gross sometimes.”

Sona managed to giggle.

“Yaz and the Doc have each other Sonya but Graham and I have both of them, we won’t let either of them go under, I promise.”

He sat back against the sofa and flicked on the TV, pulling Sonya in beside him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where would you like to see Sonya, Ryan, Yaz and the Doctor hang out for the day? Let me know in the comments!


	54. Chapter 54

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a bit sad. Sorry.
> 
> Also, I hope it’s not too confusing. I always reply to comments so if you’re not with me, let me know.
> 
> I listened to this while I wrote it, I would recommend listening to it while you read.  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntj-sP8y3kw

There was very little change in the Doctor’s condition during the evening and overnight she started to deteriorate even further. By Tuesday afternoon, two full days after the incident in the park her temperature had sky-rocketed and the fam were taking it in turns to have one of them sit with her at all times again with, at least two of them in the house 24/7.

Graham had gone home for a rest in his own bed, he had been fussing around all of them all day with cups of tea, cleaning the house and taking his shift to sit with the Doctor. Yaz, who had been up all night with her was dozing fitfully on the airbed in the living room, the closed curtains not doing much to block out the light. She was juggling her shifts of looking after the Doctor with completing endless amounts of paperwork from home for Maisie’s case. Officers who were still in uniform weren’t generally allowed to work from home but Jennifer, as understanding as ever, had made a special allowance. And dropped off a care package for Yaz.

 _“I know you’ve got family helping you out with the day to day but you need to look after yourself too.”_ she had said, handing over a work laptop and a small hamper with homemade biscuits, magazines, fuzzy socks, hand cream and the sugar free polo mints Yaz always has a stash of in her desk, her car, her uniform, her handbag… and finally a picture that Maisie had drawn for the Doctor for when she was feeling better. It’s a none too flattering drawing with her scars, missing leg and wheelchair featuring prominently but it had been drawn with such childlike honesty that Yaz can't help but like it. Yaz has left it on the bedside table for her when… _if?..._ she wakes up.

Upstairs, Ryan was sitting with the Doctor. She was hovering somewhere between consciousness and unconsciousness now. She hadn’t been awake since Yaz had helped her stretch at about nine o’clock on Monday evening, it was hard to tell what, if anything, she was aware of. She wasn’t responding to vocal commands anymore; up until a few hours ago she had been able to squeeze his hand upon command but not anymore. Her limbs were still spasming and contorting at random and she kept letting out little moans of pain so she had some awareness. It was heart breaking to watch. Regardless of how much she was aware of, she was suffering. 

Ryan was sitting in the comfortable chair beside her where he had been for a couple of hours, a long since forgotten cup of tea in front of him. He was working on typing up his project and was reading what he was writing to the Doctor out loud. He would be lying if he said this didn’t make him feel slightly silly but Yaz had said she might be able to hear what was going on, so he persisted. Every ten minutes or so he would stop to sponge down her face, neck and arms and moisten her dry lips with a cold, damp face cloth.

Without warning, as the afternoon drifted towards evening, her hand tightened around his reflexively and to his horror he realised she was having another seizure. Her head was contorted back, eye open but rolled back in her skull and entire body stiff and jerking slightly.

“YAZ!” he bellowed as he jumped to his feet, panicking more than just a little bit and ignoring his laptop which clattered off his knee and onto the ground. He impatiently shoved it under the bed, it could wait.

Yaz was beside him almost instantly, pulling pillows away from the Doctor and rolling her back onto her side.

“Call Graham. Tell him we need bags of ice right now”, her voice was steady as she firmly held the Doctor on her side so she didn’t choke on the horrible white foam that was leaking from her mouth.

Ryan didn’t know how she was so calm; he could hear her talking to the Doctor quietly behind him as he impatiently waited for Graham to answer the phone.

 _Come on Grandad_.

Ryan had been there for all three of her seizures now and they didn’t get any easier to witness. They were visually less dramatic than the ones he had seen on _Casualty_ or _Grey’s Anatomy_ but it was the sound effects that got to him; whatever she had inside instead of lungs were affected by the spasms and it sounded like she was choking as she gasped for breath.

He tried not to look, not something he was proud of, as he let Yaz deal with it. It wasn’t like there was actually anything any of them could do except let her ride it out.

“I thought the seizures were her brains response to being overloaded?” he asked, carefully looking at Yaz’s face where she was crouched beside the Doctor, still holding her on her side so she didn’t choke, stroking the Doctor’s hair with her other hand.

“The other two have been but I think this is because her temperature is so high. But what the hell do I know, I’m not a doctor.”

“At this point you’ve done enough research to be one. How hot is she?”

“She should only be about fifteen degrees but when I checked before I went to bed she was at twenty and I’m sure she feels hotter now.”

“I’m sorry, I should have noticed. I should have been checking.” He apologised, wringing his hands and feeling utterly useless and ineffective.

Yaz shrugged off his apology. “I don’t think there’s anything you could have done to stop this. We’re gonna stick her in an ice bath as a last resort because we need her temperature down right now.”

“What happens if we can’t get it down?”

Yaz looked at him. “Not an option, we have to cool her down. A temperature as high as hers and seizures both have the potential to cause brain damage on their own and she has both. We have to get it down Ryan, I can't lose any more of her, I just can't.”

“Yaz, I promise we’re not going to let that happen. What do you need me to do?”

“Go and start filling the bath, as soon as this stops, we’re putting her in and we’ll add the ice whenever Graham gets here. And can you make sure the front door is unlocked, Graham keeps forgetting his key.”

Ryan ran down the stairs and unlocked the door before pelting into the bathroom and turning the tap on full blast, wincing at the noise which somehow felt disrespectful given the suffering in the room next door though at least it drowned out the noises the Doctor was making.

Through the open door he could see Yaz, she was still crouched in front of the Doctor who was still seizing, but the tremors that were wracking her body finally seemed to be slowing down until it appeared to be all over. He watched as Yaz, so gently, rolled the Doctor onto her back again, carefully positioning a pillow and wiping her face.

He walked in to join them as Yaz took the Doctor’s temperature again and read the numbers over Yaz’s shoulder.

Twenty-six degrees.

A full eleven degrees higher than it should have been and much higher than it had been when she had been fighting the infection in her broken leg before Martha had amputated it.

Yaz pulled the Doctor’s pyjamas off her quickly, no longer worried about dignity or modesty. They needed to get her into the ice bath. Now.

Downstairs the front door banged, and she could hear Graham coming up the stairs as she helped Ryan arrange the Doctor in his arms and carry her safely into the bathroom with Yaz following and carrying the oxygen tank. They didn’t dare try her without it. He lowered her into the bath while Yaz sat on the back with her feet in the water, ready to accept the Doctor’s weight and keep her upright.

As soon as she was in, Ryan took the bags of ice from Graham who had been waiting outside the bathroom and started tipping them in. It only went to show how deeply unconscious the Doctor now was when she didn’t even flinch as the ice hit her bare skin.

Now that she was undressed Yaz could see that at some point she had started coming out in a heat rash, her skin was covered in patches of small, angry looking red bumps that looked uncomfortable and swollen.

She could only hope that if the Doctor was unconscious enough not to react to the ice, that also meant she wasn’t in any pain.

Yaz was holding the Doctor firmly under each arm to stop her slipping under the water but she risked moving one hand, just for a moment, to swipe impatiently at the tears that were slipping down her cheeks.

“Can you go and put clean sheets on the bed? And put a plastic sheet under the regular one.” She asked the boys. Graham was hovering outside the bathroom door while Ryan was sitting on the closed seat of the toilet facing away from them to give the Doctor her privacy, as if he hadn’t just carried her in.

Graham instantly headed into the bedroom, glad to have something productive he could do.

“How long are you going to leave her in there?” Ryan asked.

“Until her internal body temperature starts approaching normal but no more than twenty minutes, I know she's an alien but this can't be good for her.”

Ryan disappeared for a moment but quickly reappeared with the thermometer.

“What do we do when we get her out?”

“Stick a bed sheet in the bath and cover her with it, ice packs under her arms and behind her neck. Try and get some liquid into her. Her pyjamas and the bed were soaked with sweat so I’m sure she’s dehydrated by now.”

“She’s unconscious Yaz, how’re you gonna get her to drink?”

“Swallowing is a reflex, I’m hoping if I put liquid in a syringe for her she’ll swallow it anyway.”

“Won’t she choke?”

“Hopefully not if she’s sitting up and I won’t give her more than a few millilitres at a time.”

“Beds ready.” Called Graham from the bedroom.

Yaz stuck the thermometer in the Doctor’s ear again. To her sheer relief it showed twenty-one degrees. They were going in the right direction.

“Thanks Graham” she called back and then addressed Ryan. “We’ll give her another five minutes and then get her out. Can you grab her a towel?”

Five minutes later, when the Doctor’s body temperature had cooled to nineteen and a half degrees, Ryan pulled the plug on the bath and they dried her off before manhandling her out of the tub and resting her gently on the bed. For Yaz, it brought back some very vivid memories of the night the Doctor had arrived in her garden and she had spent what felt like hours pulling bits of clothing from her freshly burned skin.

Ryan appeared behind her with the damp sheet which they covered her with and Graham produced the ice-packs. They got into a cycle, twenty minutes with the cold, damp sheet and ice-packs at her neck, groin and underarms then twenty minutes respite with just a clean, dry sheet all while Yaz continued to feed her miniscule amounts of juice at a time, which mercifully she seemed to be able to swallow.

They battled with her temperature for hours. She ended up having two more terrifying seizures on them and for a few, horrific moments they actually thought she had stopped breathing. It was at that point Yaz had taken her in her arms and started whispering to her and Ryan knew she was saying goodbye, just in case.

But finally, finally, as the sun started to come up, it began to seem like they were winning the battle.

And yet she still didn’t wake up. They did everything they could think of to test her level of consciousness and although she was breathing, it was slow, ragged and shallow and she was still missing a heartbeat.

None of them were taking breaks anymore. They didn’t say it out loud but none of them wanted to risk not being there if she… well…

They were talking to her, stroking her hair or holding her hand, anything to let her know she wasn’t alone, and they were with her whatever happened.

It was early on Thursday morning, the sun had just risen. At Yaz’s request, the Doctor had made a second recording of the Gallifreyan lullaby she had played for her children and Yaz had put it on softly, hoping it might provide her with some comfort if she could still hear.

Ryan had given in to sleep a couple of hours previously and was on the floor, propped up uncomfortably against the wall with the duvet over his legs while Graham was dozing fitfully in the chair next to the bed.

Yaz was half awake, lying on the bed beside the Doctor. She was sharing one of the many pillows that were currently keeping the Doctor propped into an upright position, her head next to the Doctor’s arm. The initial seizure in the park had now happened four and a half days ago. She had been unconscious for two. Yaz was too frightened to say it out loud but she was terrified that the reason the Doctor wasn’t waking up was that she had sustained significantly more brain damage either from the seizures or the raging temperature. What if she ended up like Lucy?… What if she died?

She curled up tighter into a ball, cuddling the toy penguin the Doctor had bought her in the zoo. It was apparently called Percival, in honour of a penguin that had once rescued the Doctor when she had fallen off a boat during an arctic expedition. Was that really only five days ago? It felt like months.

She longed to lie closer to the Doctor, to hold her close in case it was her last chance, but last time she had been conscious she had been in agony whenever anyone had touched her and if there was even the slightest chance she was still aware of what was going on Yaz didn’t want to risk her being in any more pain than she might already be, so she had to console herself with lying close but not touching.

_Pain. That was the first thing she was aware of._

_Music. Who was playing music from Gallifrey?_

_Light. It was daytime._

_Pressure on her face… oxygen mask?_

_Why does she have an oxygen mask?_

_Has she been run over by a steam roller… ow!_

She sucked in a breath and forced herself to open her eye. And immediately shut them again.

_Too bright._

She tried again more slowly.

Graham. Graham is beside her, asleep with his head thrown back. He doesn’t look very comfortable. She squinted and blinked hard, trying to make the room come into focus. Ryan, asleep on the floor, propped up by the wall and wrapped in her duvet.

_Why is he asleep on the floor?_

She lifted her head a little for a better look and it dropped uncomfortably to her chest. _Ouch._

She looked down, she’s wrapped in a sheet and she’s naked under it. _Why?_

The boys didn’t… where’s Yaz?

With another deep breath she managed to lift her head back up and let it rest on the pillows. She closed her eyes again, maybe that would calm the marching band currently rattling around in her skull?

With what feels like a monumental effort she manages to turn her head.

Yaz is lying beside her, curled up like a cat, her hand just inches from her own. She’s cuddling Percival. That makes her smile.

She concentrates on using all her energy to make her hand move across the mattress and just manages to nudge Yaz’s hand.

It’s enough because Yaz is instantly awake, looking slightly panicked and then face softening again when she sees her staring at her.

“Oh my God, you’re awake” Yaz whispered looking delighted and promptly started to cry as she pushed herself into a sitting position.

The Doctor stared at her, trying to fathom up some words but they wouldn’t come, feeling her mouth gape open and closed like a fish.

“Hey you with me?” Yaz asked, she’s looking a little worried now.

She tried to answer again but the words just wouldn’t come. She let out a groan of frustration. _Okay don’t do that again. Too much noise. Too many vibrations but_ _I’m with you Yaz, always._ She blinked hard and managed to twitch the fingers of the hand Yaz was still holding. Yaz seemed to get the message, Yaz always got the message.

“Doc! Hi!” Graham’s voice is soft and gentle.

She manages to roll her head across the pillow to see Graham looking at her, he’s taken hold of her other hand and if she really concentrates she can feel Ryan holding her foot. It almost makes her want to laugh.

The room is spinning though and looking at it is making her head hurt.

 _Hi Fam!_ But the sounds that come out are a mush and a jumble and don’t sound like any words she knows.

Yaz looked significantly at Ryan, she was awake, sort of, but how much of her was in there?

“Hey Doctor, can you squeeze my hand for me?” she asked.

There was the smallest flicker in her fingers, Yaz wasn’t even sure if she had imagined it.

“What about your other hand, can you squeeze Graham’s hand?”

_For goodness sake Yaz of course I can, I haven’t had a stroke while you lot were sleeping you know._

Yaz watched Graham who gave a small shake of his head, his eyes impossibly sad.

“And your foot Doctor? Can you wiggle your toes? Or give Ryan a kick from me if you like, he used the last tea bag.”

_Stars I would love a cup of tea, I can't believe you drank the last of it! I’m amazed Yaz let her house be in a state where it was possible to run out._

She was so annoyed by the possibility of there being no tea that she missed the shake of the head that Ryan gave to Yaz.

But now she can feel Yaz shifting on the bed beside her and she looks back at her.

_Is Yaz leaving?_

“I’ll be back in a minute okay?” Yaz says, smoothing an annoying strand of hair out of her face and kissing her gently on the forehead.

Her eyes are bright and shining with unshed tears.

 _Please don’t cry Yaz_.

Yaz moves around the bed too quickly for her to follow but she can hear the bathroom door shut.

She looks at Graham again, pleading with her eyes for someone to go after Yaz, if she can't do it then someone has to. Yaz can't cry on her own.

He gets the message and leaves and almost instantly is replaced by Ryan who’s sitting next to her and holding her hand. He looks sad. Why is he sad?

“I don’t know if you can understand me Doctor…”

_‘What? Of course I can understand you Ryan, I didn’t go senile when you weren’t looking you know.’_

But all that comes out is a jumble of sounds, mushed together like someone has puts her words in a blender.

Frustrated, she tried again but this time the jumble was mixed with drool which ran disgustingly down her chin until Ryan gently wiped it away with a tissue.

She let out a cry of exasperation, annoyance, embarrassment.

“Don’t cry Doctor, I know you must be scared right now and pretty confused. But we’re all here for you okay? We’ve got you, we won’t let you fall.”

Graham knocked on the bathroom door and slowly pushed it open. Yaz was sitting on the floor, knees drawn up to her chest, face a teary mess.

“Oh love” soothed Graham, shutting the door and crossing the room to sit next to her on the floor, ignoring the way his knees protested. She’ll probably have to help him up when they’re done here. 

He wrapped Yaz in his arms, pulling her in close for a cuddle. She was _so_ young to have this weight on her shoulders.

“I can’t tell you it’s all going to be okay Yaz because I don’t know if it will be. But what I can promise is that Ryan and I are by your side. Whatever you both need, we will get you through this. You’re not on your own, you hear me?”

“Graham, what if this is it? What if her brain’s finally had enough? She’s been fighting for so long and she’s been so sick, much worse than when she first escaped. What if there’s nothing left of her? What if she’s like Lucy? Or worse, what if everything’s going on and she can’t communicate anymore? Then what?”

“Then she’s still the Doctor love, you just love her for whoever she is. But I think you’re panicking way too soon. She’s only been awake half an hour. You’ve gotta give her time love.”

“I’m ruining another one of your jumpers” she choked out.

Graham chuckled. “Don’t worry about it cockle, Grandad’s buy their jumpers from special shops you know, they’re made to stand up to these things.”

Yaz managed a small laugh despite herself.

“Right, enough crying. Wash your face so you don’t scare her and then we’ll go back in together alright? Because no matter where her heads at, she would want you to be with her.”

Yaz nodded and got up, pulling Graham with her before splashing her face quickly and taking a steadying breath.

Yaz felt uncharacteristically nervous as she walked back into the bedroom. Ryan was holding the Doctor’s hand and her eye was closed again. He let go of it and placed it in a comfortable, relaxed position across her stomach for her before standing and pulling Yaz into an embrace.

_God you lot, who died? I'm right here, can't you see that?_

Yaz walked around the other side of the bed and climbed in beside the Doctor again.

_Come back Yaz. I need to see you._

“Can you help me?” she asked, looking at Ryan.

He nodded, eyes full of understanding.

“Doctor, I’m going to lift you so Yaz can give you a hug.” Ryan explained.

 _I don't need to be lifted thank-you very much. I am more than capable of rolling over all on my own._ Except when she tried, nothing happened.

From her position, Yaz couldn’t tell if the Doctor’s eye was open, she certainly hadn’t given a response as far as she could tell.

As Ryan scooped her up, his arms around her shoulders and knee and stump, she readied her arms to accept the Doctor. He managed to lift her easily and as he placed her carefully into Yaz’s arms he was able to turn her slightly so she would be facing Yaz and they could see each other.

_Stars, this was undignified, being lifted like a baby._

Yaz’s heart lifted a little as the Doctor moaned in pain as she was moved. Obviously she wasn’t happy that the Doctor was hurting, but a pain response was still a response and better than nothing.

_It really really hurt. Why did everything have to hurt so much? Not comfortable anymore Ryan... oh that's a bit better._

Ryan moved the Doctor’s leg into a more natural position than where it had landed for her and tucked some pillows underneath her to better support her and so Yaz could hold her more easily, and wrapped them both in a duvet.

When he was finished, he looked at Yaz, silently asking if they should stay or go.

“Stay, please, we’re a fam.” she said softly, cradling the Doctor to her more closely. "I need you to be here."

_I need you to be here because if she dies in my arms today I don't know what to do and I'm so afraid._

The Doctor looked at Yaz, she had been crying.

_Please don’t cry Yaz. I’m fine, I promise._

“I didn’t get a chance to tell you the other night Doctor, but Maisie was amazing.” She said softly, stroking her fingers lightly through the Doctor’s hair.

“When I went and got her, she was so scared but she finally agreed to come with me. We got to the station and she wanted to know where you were, I told her you weren’t feeling well, hope that’s okay. Anyway, we had to wait a while because her dad was way more off his face than we had first realised but we didn’t Maisie to have to leave and come back so we sat together for a while and read a book. She wants to be a doctor like you when she grows up you know.”

_Oh Maisie, you superstar! I hope you’re nothing like me when you grow up, but I hope all your dreams come true._

“Anyway, she drew a picture of you, apparently she spent ages on it. Jennifer brought it round when she brought me some work stuff.”

_Wait, when did all this happen? How long was I asleep for?_

“Don’t get too excited or anything, it’s a bit Picasso in style but it’s definitely meant to be you, has your name on it and everything and she’s put lots of kisses too. She’s a strong one and her foster parents are great, she’s going to be fine.”

_I never met Picasso, we should go and visit him sometime. I met VanGough though. Did I ever tell you about that?_

“… love you so much Doctor, we all do. I just want you to know that whatever happens next is okay and we’ll be okay, all of us.”

_What do you mean what happens next? What’s going to happen? Yaz?_

_Yaz, why are you crying again?_

_Yaz why won't my arm move? I just want to wipe the tears off your cheeks because you don’t need to cry._

_Yaz?_

_Yaz I’m scared now._

_It hurts. Why does it hurt?_

_Yaz?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry :/


	55. Chapter 55

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter is so late. Unfortunately someone felt the need to go through the story and leave vile comments on the majority of the chapters and it really knocked my confidence to write. These were deeply personally offensive to me and really upset me. Please remember that this story is based off real events and if it's not something you're interested in then move along, no one is forcing you to read it. And if you don't have anything civil to say then don't say anything at all.

The room is dark when she next wakes up. Not completely so. There’s light coming from somewhere though she’s not quite sure where. The room is really fuzzy. And spinning. Rooms don’t normally spin do they?

_Stars alive everything hurts._

_Thirsty... Where are my crutches?_

She feels pretty wobbly but she's sure if she only had her crutches she could make it safely down the stairs for a drink without waking Yaz, she doesn’t think she should try without right now, she’d probably end up on the floor.

She tried to push herself into a sitting position but her body was refusing to cooperate.

_Somethings wrong._

She managed to lift her head off the pillows, surprised to see that she's already half sitting up.

_Why?_

Her neck muscles spasm and her head dropped involuntarily back onto the pillows.

_Ow._

_This is wrong. Very very wrong._

She manages to roll her head to look at Yaz’s side of the bed but it’s empty.

_Yaz? Where are you?_

She was sure Yaz had just been there. She blinked again, trying to make her brain remember.

Yaz had been holding her. She had been crying. Why had she been crying? What did Yaz know that she didn’t?

She can feel a familiar wave of panic rising in her chest.

_No. Not now. Focus brain._

But it doesn’t and the edges of her vision go dark.

_Yaz?_

And then Yaz is there, leaning over her, holding her hand. And she realises Yaz was there holding her hand the whole time. Why didn’t she know that? Why couldn’t she feel it?

The thought makes the damn burst inside her chest and the panic spills through, flooding her system.

She looks desperately at Yaz, trying to hear what she's saying but the words are buzzing around her brain in a confusing mix.

_Yaz? What’s wrong with me?_

She feels muscles throughout her body spasm, sees Yaz reach out and stroke her hair and then the world around her goes dark once more.

Graham, Ryan and Yaz were all slumped exhaustedly at the table in the living room, the baby monitor in the centre of it so they could watch the Doctor while they talked.

The last thirty-six hours or so since she had woken up had been incredibly emotionally draining for them all and now that she was asleep, Graham had insisted that all three of them take a breather. Even if they were still having to monitor her, she had been drifting in and out of consciousness and after yet another seizure that afternoon they were terrified to leave her unattended, even for a moment.

“So now what?” asked Graham, he looked like he had aged overnight.

“I think we need to figure out why she's not responding to us?” said Ryan.

“What do you mean?”

“We know she can hear us, she looks at who ever is talking so when we ask her to do things and she doesn’t is it because she physically can't or because she has no idea what she’s been asked to do.”

“It’s positive that she can hear us. And she knows who Yaz is. She’s much calmer when she’s in the room.”

“Maybe we need to take a step back. We’ve been asking her to squeeze our hands which clearly she can’t do. Maybe we need to go for blinks or something. And if she can blink on command then we can try one blink for yes, two for no and see if we can get some communication going… Grandad are you all right?” asked Ryan. Graham’s eyes were shining with tears that were yet to fall.

“I'm sorry son, I’m fine, really. Just she's the most intelligent, capable, genius of a woman and we’re sitting here discussing how a hand squeeze is too much for her so maybe we should try to communicate through blinks instead.”

Ryan reached out and hugged his grandad. “It’s hard on all of us. If… if there’s not much going on in her head then that’s hard for us but not for her because she doesn’t know anything about it but if, and I hope this is the case, that her brain is fine in there and it’s her body that isn’t cooperating than she must be going crazy, not able to talk to us.”

“I think when we’re with her we have to assume that she knows everything that’s going on and can understand us.”

“We have to make her as comfortable as possible, as happy as possible and do everything we can to promote recovery. So the question is, how do we do that?”

“She hasn’t eaten in a week.” Pointed out Ryan. “We need to get some kind of food into her.”

“OK so that’s our second priority after trying the new communication. When I was going through chemo I used to get these nutrition food supplement packs things. Disgusting things, but we know she can still drink. I had a lot of custard, rice pudding and pureed soups that’re soft. She has such a sweet tooth, might encourage her if she’s struggling.”

“Thought you hated custard Grandad?”

“I do. Can't even smell it without wanting to be sick these days, had way too much of it then.”

“Should we be trying to get her out of bed?”

“How? She can't sit? I mean as much as it isn’t good for her to lie in bed all day it would be worse for her to be slouched on a sofa or something surely. It would have no support and she probably couldn’t balance.”

“She has a wheelchair.”

“It’s not designed for someone in her condition though, it won't hold her upright or support her head. She can barely move her fingers let alone propel her chair.”

“You can hire them though, can’t you? Assuming it’s something she wants. You know what she’s like, she’s rubbish at being still. Even though she never really goes anywhere she never sits still here.”

“Probably depends on how she’s feeling son. At a minimum she would have to be carried down the stairs. If she's still in a lot of pain she might not be able to tolerate that.”

“Well if she’s able to blink we can ask her. Job number three for tomorrow.”

“Yaz, you haven’t said anything, how’re you doing?”

“This isn’t about me.”

Graham looked at her in concern, ever since their chat the other night after the park, he had noticed how exhausted she was. But now he looked at her properly he could see a greyish tinge to her skin, her eyes were dull and lifeless and she hadn’t eaten properly for days. Although he had been serving her regular meals, she mostly just moved the food around the plate. She hadn’t cried other than on his shoulder a couple of days before but she was totally listless.

“Yaz love, if you need a break, that would be okay. No one would think any less of you.”

“I can't have a break. Not when she's this dependent.”

“You’ll burn out.” Ryan argued gently, in truth he wondered if she already had.

“Okay, so I take a little holiday, maybe go sun myself on a beach somewhere or ski down a mountain. Who sorts her out when she needs the toilet? Who showers her? Who dresses her? She was doing so well before this with her recovery and I’m not having that put in jeopardy by one of you two providing her personal care. She's still really squirrely about being touched at the best of times and has a lot of anxiety about being with men in general. I can't do that to her. It’s absolutely not my permission to give.”

“Yaz, we have no idea what the hell has happened to her or even if it’s over and we’re in some sort of recovery phase and if we are in recovery, how long that might last, how much she might need from us in that time or how good the outcome might be. You can't do this indefinitely.”

“Don’t you think I know that Graham?” Yaz burst out. “…I’m sorry I didn’t mean to shout, this isn’t your fault. I just can't believe that this is where we’re at. After everything we’ve been through together, everything she's been through, it just isn’t fair.”

“You’re right, it’s not fair. Nothing about this is fair. Not on us. Not on you and definitely not on her.”

“I should go sit with her. It’s not right that we’re all sitting down here talking about her and she shouldn’t be on her own.”

“Yaz love, I’ll sit with her tonight, you need sleep.”

“I can do it.”

“Yaz, _I’ll_ sit with her. When she wakes up in the morning it’ll be _you_ she wants, not me or Ryan. If you don’t sleep tonight you’ll be no good to her when she’s awake.”

“Why don’t you sleep _with_ her Yaz, you can't be comfortable on that airbed.”

“I don’t want to impose on her.”

“You don’t see her when you're not in the room, she’s agitated and looking for you constantly but can't ask for you. You’re not imposing on her. And did it not occur to you that you might be a comfort for her?”

“Come on love, come up. I’ll stay awake in case she needs anything.”

Graham wrapped an arm around Yaz’s shoulder and steered her up the stairs while Ryan helped himself to the airbed. They had essentially moved back in for the time being.

Upstairs, Yaz took the opportunity to have a quick shower before heading into the bedroom. Before the Doctor had fallen asleep they had subjected her to being rolled over again to prevent pressure sores and she was now lying on her side facing Yaz’s side of the bed, propped up and supported by pillows in an effort to make her more comfortable.

Yaz gently ran her fingers through the Doctor’s soft hair, ignoring the elastic of her oxygen mask and kissed her goodnight. She painstakingly climbed into bed beside her, making every effort not to jostle her. She took hold of the Doctor’s left hand carefully where it was resting on a pillow, curling up close beside her and wrapping the blanket over her shoulders. She had probably imagined it but she could have sworn the Doctor’s fingers twitched a little in response and that she had given a soft sigh of contentment in her sleep.

It was a bit weird with Graham in the room, he was positioned in the chair on the other side of the room where he would be able to see if the Doctor opened her eyes during the night. He had his paper and a soft lamp which was being impressively unobtrusive and he was attempting to give the two women as much privacy as he could which Yaz was grateful for.

The Doctor woke suddenly, not sure what had caused her sudden rush to consciousness and she blinked experimentally a few times, trying to bring the world into focus. Her head still hurt but everything felt less fuzzy this time around.

And then she remembered. It was like being in some sort of nightmare that she couldn’t wake up from. Her words kept getting lost between her brain and her mouth and coming out in a tangle of unintelligible sounds. Her body wouldn’t move when she asked it to, though it was doing plenty of jolting when she didn’t ask it to.

She looked around, trying to get her bearings. It was light so it was daytime again. It was definitely night before, but she had no idea how long she had been asleep for.

Graham was in the corner of the room with his paper and a cup of coffee. She could smell it.

Yaz. Yaz was beside her, holding her hand. Her grip was featherlight and the Doctor could barely feel it.

She tried to squeeze her hand but her fingers barely twitched.

_No. Not good enough. Try again._

She screwed her face up in concentration and tried again, putting all of her efforts into making her fingers move and watched as they slowly and clumsily tightened around Yaz’s for a brief moment. She smiled slightly and allowed herself a moments rest. It was a small victory.

She tried again to speak to her, to say her name, but all that came out was a pathetic jumble.

But it had caught Graham’s attention and he appeared in front of her in a moment.

“She’s had a good sleep Doc, go ahead and wake her. Saw you squeeze her hand a minute ago. Why don’t you give it one more try to wake her up and if she still insists on sleeping like Ryan did as a teenager then I will happily wring a sponge with cold water over her face for you.”

She managed another smile and then put every ounce of energy she had into making her fingers move.

_Come on hand. You can do this. Wake her up and then you can tell her you love her._

They moved, actually properly moved and this time she managed to hold it.

_Yaz, wake up, I love you._

She tried to say it out loud, but her words were still tangled.

Graham shook Yaz’s shoulder and finally she stirred. “Yaz love, the Doc’s been trying to wake you for the last five minutes and you’ve been ignoring her, it’s very rude.”

Yaz went to rub the sleep from her eyes and realised that the Doctor was holding her hand. She wasn’t holding the Doctor’s, the Doctor was holding hers.

She sat up abruptly as Graham left the room to give the two women some privacy.

“Morning, must have been in a pretty deep sleep” she said by way of an apology, yawning and brushing some hair out of her face.

Yaz leaned in and kissed her on the cheek.

_I wish you would kiss me properly Yaz._

Yaz noticed how the Doctor’s eyes tracked her as she moved this morning, how she was holding her hand, how she had apparently attempted to wake her even if it wasn’t successful. How she was lifting her head a little more to see what was going on.

Yaz pulled herself into a sitting position, she moved the pillow that was supporting the Doctor’s arm onto her lap so she could shuffle in closer and took hold of her hand again, noticing with delight the light but definite curl of the Doctor’s fingers around her own.

“Do you remember doing one squeeze for yes and two for no?” Yaz asked her.

One (very slight) squeeze – yes.

_Of course I do Yaz, we literally just did that. I haven’t quite lost all my marbles. I… Yaz why are you crying?_

Yaz had burst into tears though thankfully she was refraining from hugging her. Everywhere hurt and she didn’t think she could stand it. 

“Do you know where you are?”

One squeeze – yes.

_Why are you asking me these questions? You’re scaring me._

“Do you know what happened?”

She thought, she really tried to remember. She could remember being so hot she thought her brain was going to melt and then so cold it was like the time she had to be rescued by a penguin. Ryan holding her hand. Yaz sleeping next to her. All three of them sleeping with her. Why? She couldn’t make the pieces fit together.

“Doctor?”

Two squeezes – no.

“You’ve been a bit… unwell. On Sunday we were at the park with Ryan, Graham and my family. You were upset about something, I don’t know what and you left. I don’t know what happened next, but Sonya was there and she called me, you were having a flashback that led to a seizure. Since then you’ve been drifting in and out of consciousness and I’ve been so scared that you had more brain damage. You’ve had another six seizures since then and at its highest your temperature was twenty-six degrees and we had to put you in an ice-bath. I thought…” she was crying now “… I thought you were going to die.”

_I'm not going to die Yaz, I’m fine. Or I will be when my body wakes up again._

Her leg spasmed underneath her, causing her to squeak in discomfort.

“That keeps happening though not as much as it was. You haven’t had much voluntary movement and haven’t spoken since we were in the park last Sunday. It’s Saturday morning now.”

_No. No that can't be right. I remember the park. But it wasn’t a week ago. And I remember being awake before, but I was talking to you wasn’t I? Yaz? Please tell me you’re joking. This isn’t funny Yaz._

She could feel her breath picking up.

_No, not now. Need to think. Need to focus._

“Doctor, look at me.” Yaz instructed her firmly. “I’m sorry if that was too much information all at once but I need you to try and stay calm. Your brain seems to default to a seizure every time you start to panic at the moment, and they can't possibly be good for you. So just concentrate on breathing with me. Nothing else matters just at the moment okay? In for five, hold for five, out for five.

Yaz kept hold of her hand but even that felt a little like what she imagined it would feel like to be holding a live cattle prod but she didn’t want her to let go for anything. It was unbelievably comforting to have Yaz next to her. 

She could hear Yaz talking to her and encouraging her and this time and she was able to concentrate enough to stop hyperventilating.

“Well done.” Yaz said softly as she watched the Doctor relax.

The Doctor blinked exhaustedly, her head dropping back onto the pillows.

Yaz gave her a moment as she drew in another few deep breaths through the oxygen mask.

“I’m going to go and get you something to drink, I’ll be back in a minute okay?”

She waited for the Doctor to give her hand a squeeze of consent and then hurried down the stairs. She could hear the shower running as she passed and the discarded airbed indicated that it was occupied by Ryan. A quick glance out the window confirmed that Graham had already gone home to get some sleep in his own bed and she hurried into the kitchen. Water bottle with straw or syringe? She shrugged and grabbed them both. She was relieved when she opened the fridge as apparently one of the boys, most likely Graham, had been shopping and it was once again fully stocked and included a couple of cartons of the Doctor’s favourite juice. She poured her some into the bottle and also grabbed a pot of custard, a yoghurt and a spoon. She had never had to feed the Doctor before and wasn’t sure how she would take it, but she needed to eat. She couldn’t imagine there was any way the Doctor would manage to coordinate a spoon into her own mouth when she could barely hold up her head or wriggle her fingers.

“Can I help you sit?” Yaz asked when she got back upstairs. “Not sure drinking when you’re so flat is a good idea right now.”

One (very reluctant squeeze) – yes.

_But make it quick because it’s going to hurt._

Yaz started by removing all the extra pillows that were preventing her from rolling over, stabilising her with one hand before rolling her onto her back. Then she was able to lift her under her shoulders and bank her into a sitting position with the extra pillows and rest her arms comfortably across her stomach.

“Comfortable?” Yaz asked after giving her time to catch her breath.

“One squeeze – yes.

_Not really but I wasn’t particularly comfortable before this either so what does it matter? Hurt a bit too much to be comfortable._

“Do you think you can manage with the nasal cannula rather than the full mask?”

One squeeze – yes.

_Probably anyway._

Yaz was quick as she swapped one oxygen source for the other and she didn’t comment as she noticed the Doctor gasp for the few breaths she needed as they were switched but gave her hand a gentle, reassuring squeeze. The nasal cannula delivered less oxygen in comparison to the mask and Yaz watched anxiously as she recovered.

The Doctor was staring at the syringe on the bedside table.

“You’ve been really sick Doctor.” Yaz explained lightly. “It was the only way we could keep you hydrated. Hoping now you’re awake properly you can manage a water bottle though.”

_Stars, I’m sorry Yaz. You should never have had to do that for me._

Yaz held the water bottle up for her and she drank thirstily and Yaz took it off her before she could make herself sick.

“More in a minute” she promised, tucking a stray bit of hair behind the Doctor’s ear for her.

“I brought you up something to eat, I imagine you’re pretty hungry by now.” Yaz held up the two pots, offering the choice.

_Custard and yoghurt? Really Yaz? Baby food? I know there’s custard creams in the cupboard. Actually pretty sure there’s some in the drawer behind you. I hid them for midnight snack purposes._

“I’m sorry, I know it’s probably not what you want but I don’t know how well you can chew and swallow at the moment so until then this is what we have. Graham made soup though, it’s in the slow cooker but it’s not ready.” Yaz explained apologetically.

The Doctor let out a dramatic humph to show her annoyance at the situation but stared at the custard pot. Close to custard creams in name only but it would have to do. If she could argue with Yaz about it then she wouldn’t be in the situation at all.

Yaz put the yoghurt down and peeled the lid from the custard.

_Please don’t feed me Yaz._

She attempted to pick up the teaspoon that was on the bedclothes close to her hand. She managed to move her hand the inch or so to the left that she needed and could just about make out the cool curve of the handle but her fingers just wouldn’t cooperate enough to grip it. She groaned in frustration and to her embarrassment, felt tears on her cheeks again.

“Hey” said Yaz softly, wiping them away. “I know you don’t want me to feed you, but you haven’t eaten in a week. You need something if you’re going to get any better.”

_But what if I don’t Yaz, what if I can't move or speak forever? I can't allow you to take care of me for the rest of your life, its not fair. I promised you the universe and you’ve spent far longer mourning and caring for me than we ever did travelling._

It was unbelievably frustrating being trapped in her own body, she would’ve screamed if she didn’t know how much it would upset and frighten Yaz. Not that she hadn’t done plenty of it anyway. She knew they were being as gentle as they could but every time they turned her or Yaz put clean pyjamas on her or anyone generally touched her too much at all it was like being struck by lightening and the pain brought her close to blacking out each time, sometimes she actually did.

Three hours later the Doctor had eaten the custard successfully, finished the juice and had a mug of tea. Yaz had washed her with a facecloth and dressed her in clean pyjamas and taken her through the physiotherapy routine they had used when she was first hurt that worked her whole body. Now she was napping peacefully while Yaz sat beside her working on her laptop and Ryan was sitting in the chair on her other side. He was supposed to be typing up the last of his project but Yaz knew he was searching for a wheelchair they could rent temporarily so that they could get the Doctor out of bed.

When they had first bought the Doctor’s wheelchair it had been jarring to see her using it. At the time it had she had thought it meant a life of dependency and weakness but now it represented freedom and independence. It was simple, there were simply some days that if she didn’t have it, she would be stuck in bed or on the sofa. It was fast, small, lightweight and had no frills. Simply a method of going from Point A to Point B independently but the chairs Ryan was looking at now… They were big and clunky with curved backrests that went all the way up to her shoulders and extra padding to stop her slipping sideways, head rests and leg rests. No way for her to move it herself. A dedicated space to hold oxygen. Straps to stop her tumbling to the ground. Sturdy and solid, no tipping over if she had another seizure like her own had done. That chair represented something totally different and Yaz didn’t like it one bit.

“You know showing her that is going to make her upset don’t you?” Yaz asked as Ryan showed her the one he had selected as the most suitable.

“Yeah. Doesn’t mean I think she shouldn’t do it anyway. She can't stay in bed indefinitely Yaz.”

“Yeah I know. Just, don’t order anything until you’ve talked to her first yeah?”

“Don’t you want to? She might take it better coming from you.”

“You’re her best mate Ryan. Plus, I know you’ve been reading up on the engineering and mechanics of different types of wheelchairs, you can explain to her in way more detail than I can. She’ll want to know, pretty sure she understood everything I was saying to her earlier.”

“Can't believe I missed it because I was in the shower.” He grumbled.

“She’s not going anywhere; you can chat to her later.”

“Hopefully she doesn’t sleep too long. If I order this in the next three hours it can be here on Monday.”

“Nah…shlee…” came the Doctor’s voice from beside them.

Ryan and Yaz looked at each other excitedly and Yaz put down her laptop.

“Say that again Doctor…” Yaz asked her.

“Nah…shlee…” she said more insistently this time.

“You’re not asleep? Is that what you’re telling us?” Yaz asked, her eyes shining.

She opened her eyes properly and grinned at Yaz. “Nah…shlee…” she insisted proudly.

Yaz laughed and took hold of her face gently and kissed her properly for the first time in a week.

“Gees guys get a room” said Ryan in mock revulsion.

“This is our room” pointed out Yaz. “You just happen to be sitting in it.”

“Well happy as I am to hear your voice again Doctor, you’ll forgive me if I don’t kiss you. I’ll save it for when you're feeling better and then I’ll give you the biggest hug ever instead.”

She smiled softly at his words and managed to wave her hand vaguely in his direction which he caught and squeezed tightly. 

“It’s a nice idea Jennifer but I’m not sure she's up to it. Maybe when she’s feeling a little better…. Yeah send me the reports through and I’ll get them done, she’s napping a lot and we have friends helping us out… thanks Jennifer, I’ll let you know when they’re done and we can see about setting up a date.”

She tucked her phone back into her pocket and sat back down beside the Doctor who had been napping again.

It was late Sunday morning. So far she had managed to eat a yoghurt and banana for breakfast and drink a mug of tea but she had fallen asleep soon after, exhausted from the effort before Yaz could talk to her about having a proper shower and getting dressed.

“I’ll assume you were eavesdropping on both sides of the conversation?” Yaz asked, spotting the Doctor watching her as she picked up her laptop.

She gave a clumsy nod.

“Well what do you think?”

She watched the Doctor struggle for a moment. Since the morning before when she had managed to tell them she wasn’t asleep she had been able to get out a couple of words though they were slow, very slurred and difficult to understand.

“Yee…” she tried again. “Yeth..”

“Yes?”

The Doctor nodded again, confirming.

“You think she should come? Tonight?”

She nodded again.

“Yeth… nee… shee…”

“Yes, she needs to see?” Yaz interpreted.

The Doctor nodded.

_Jennifer literally just told you that Maisie is convinced that I’ve died and that’s why I haven’t been coming to see her. She’s not sleeping and having nightmares about it. She's lost everyone she’s loved and the people who were supposed to care for her haven’t. If she needs to come here and reassure herself that I’m alive then that’s what we’ll do._

“She needs to see that you're not dead? Tell you what, I’ll phone Jennifer back and make the arrangements _if_ you agree to have a proper shower.

The Doctor glared at her. Yaz was pretty sure the reason she had napped earlier was to avoid the topic and she knew why. She would have to be touched, to be carried. It would be uncomfortable and humiliating. Probably painful. But she smelled and her hair was greasy and when it was all over she would probably feel better for it.

The Doctor glared at her but Yaz knew she’d won and lifted out her phone to call Jennifer and arrange the visit.

Just before six, Yaz tied the Doctor’s scarf around her head for her. She was dressed in a borrowed pair of Yaz’s joggers that she wore to the gym that were far too big but comfortable and one of her own stripey t-shirts and undershirts. Yaz had propped her up in bed as much as possible before she would start tipping over and switched her full oxygen mask for her nasal cannula again, all in all trying to make her look less sick so hopefully Maisie wouldn’t be frightened.

Bang on six there was a knock on the door and Yaz heard Jennifer shout hello, she had been told to let herself in and come on up when they arrived.

A few minutes later Jennifer appeared in the bedroom alone. She greeted them both cheerfully, hugged Yaz as she always did and gently clasped the Doctor’s hand. “Maisie has been so excited the whole way here but now we’ve arrived she’s feeling a little anxious. Do you want to go down and talk to her?” she asked Yaz.

“Yeah, we’ll be up in a minute. Do you want to…” she gestured to the seat beside the Doctor’s bed and Jennifer immediately sat down making herself at home.

Yaz went down the stairs and found Maisie easily, standing by the front door. She put an arm around her and eased her into the kitchen, sitting beside her on one of the bar stools.

“Jennifer tells me you’ve been worrying about Jane sweetheart, is that right?”

Maisie nodded. “Is she gonna die?”

“No love.”

“Are you sure? My mum got sick and then she died and I wasn’t allowed to see her.”

“Jane is poorly Maisie but she isn’t dying.”

“What’s wrong with her? Is it because she only has one leg?”

God this kid knew how to ask the hard questions.

“No. You remember she told you that she got hurt by some bad people? Those people hurt her head and her brain, which is inside your head got hurt too. Because Jane’s brain is already hurt, sometimes it thinks that everything is happening at once is too much so it stops working right.”

Maisie looked confused.

“Tell you what, come and stand at the sink.” Yaz got her a chair to stand on and handed her a water balloon leftover from the pack Ryan had decided to pelt them with last summer.

“Pretend that this balloon is Jane’s brain okay. This is what it was like when it first got hurt, a bit like there was no information in it. But if we fill it like this, this is like when she was getting better and her brain was able to have lots of new information.”

Yaz kept filling until it was a good size. “This is what your brain is supposed to look like. There’s lots of stuff in it but not too much. But what’s happened to Jane’s brain is that it got too much information.” Yaz filled the water balloon rapidly now until it tore in one corner and some of the water leaked out. “When it got too much information it couldn’t handle it anymore so lots of things she knew how to do she can't do right now so we need to fix the hole and then she can go back to learning new stuff.”

“Will she know who I am?”

“Yes love she will, she’s excited to see you.”

“Jennifer said she’s a bit different at the moment.”

Yaz lifted her down, flicked on the kettle and settled back on the bar stools.

“Yeah she is. She can't walk or sit up at the moment, so she has to stay in bed. She can’t really talk. She’s finding it hard to breathe right now so she has tubes in her nose to help her but if she finds it even harder, I might have to give her a special mask to wear. She cries a lot because she hurts and because she can't tell me things and that makes her frustrated.”

“Are you helping her?”

“Of course I am. I can help her do whatever she needs, and our friends help us too. They’ve gone home for a little while but they’ll be back later.”

“Do you still love her, even though she’s poorly?”

“Of course I do. She’s still the same person inside her head and she still loves me too.”

“What should I do upstairs, when I see her?”

“She might not want a hug, she might decide she's too sore for that but you can ask her. But even if she says yes, make sure you’re really gentle okay? If she says no you can still hold her hand if you want to. You can sit beside her. Jennifer told me you drew her a picture? You can show her that.”

“What if she cries?”

“Then I’ll find out why she's upset, and I’ll try to make it better.”

“But what if you can't make it better?”

“Even if I can’t make her stop hurting I’ll be able to make her feel better Maisie, I’ve been looking after her for a long time and I’ve known her for even longer. Now I’m making tea for the grown-ups, would you like some juice?”

Maisie nodded enthusiastically and Yaz found her a pink picnic cup from the cupboard. “Go and help yourself to juice from the fridge.”

Maisie skipped over and looked impressed with their collection. The Doctor had agreed to the disgusting nutritional supplement powder which was best disguised in juice so Graham had topped up their supply again. She selected the orange and mango and carefully poured herself a glass and put it away.

“I didn’t spill it!” she announced proudly.

“No you didn’t, well done. That’s Jane’s favourite too.”

Maisie beamed like this made it extra special and followed Yaz who was balancing the three mugs carefully. She handed one to Jennifer and put the other two on the bedside table beside the Doctor. Maisie hung back shyly, holding her pink cup protectively.

“Hi” the Doctor said, more clearly than she had said anything else so far, though as far as words went it was an easy one to say. Yaz noticed that she didn’t try and reach out or use any more words which might not come out right in case she frightened Maisie even more.

Maisie stood by the door nervously, staring blatantly and then burst into tears.

For a moment, the Doctor looked devastated, but then Maisie thrust her cup at Jennifer and ran at the Doctor, launching herself at her.

She gave a deep moan of pain and looked at Yaz pleadingly who gently but firmly untangled Maisie from the Doctor who looked like she was trying very hard not to make a fuss over the pain Maisie had just put her through.

“Sweetheart, remember I said that Jane’s body is quite sore right now? Well it hurts her quite a lot to be hugged so why don’t you come round here and sit beside her. You can hold her hand and show her your pictures.”

Yaz got Maisie to take her shoes off instead and helped her climb onto the bed where she immediately rummaged around in her backpack that was with her and brought out a sheaf of paper full of childish drawings.

Yaz sat on the edge of the bed with her mug of tea, feeding the Doctor hers at regular intervals and ready to intervene if necessary but mostly just letting Maisie chatter. It was nice to hear her so enthusiastic. It brought a much needed sense of normalcy to their day even while she wiped tea off the Doctor’s chin that had dribbled out of her mouth again.

They would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone is interested this is the wheelchair the Doctor uses normally (though hers is Tardis blue)  
> https://www.sunrisemedical.co.uk/wheelchairs/quickie/lightweight-wheelchairs/helium?fbclid=IwAR1v8fhm4jazwVlc1dSXtftIPk3qLABAvWYeMD1-hOiIStZxeQ6SiX4Q40s
> 
> Where as this is the one Ryan has ordered for her to use temporarily so they can get her out of bed.  
> https://www.medicalexpo.com/prod/antano-group/product-88563-871229.html
> 
> Obviously they are very different and serve different people with different needs.


	56. Chapter 56

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for all of your kind comments on the last chapter, I love hearing your thoughts and opinions and ideas. They really make my day. If you want to chat about this story or any of its issues or just a general chat you can add me on Discord. My username is anobii#8042
> 
> I teach one of the year groups heading back to school in England on Monday so I'm afraid updates will slow down a bit. I will continue to alternate them with Obtuse if you're reading it also.
> 
> Also its well after midnight for me so I haven't proof read this. Apologies in advance if there are lots of mistakes and I hope it all makes sense.

Yaz sat on the sofa with the baby monitor on the coffee table in front of her, flicking listlessly through one of the magazines Jennifer had brought round though she should have been working while Ryan was making his final adjustments to the custom leg he had built for the Doctor. He had lost his enthusiasm for the project, knowing now that she might never wear it, but he was determined to finish. His presentation was in less than twenty-four hours and had relied on the Doctor being able to demonstrate. Given that she was still having to be turned in bed every few hours to prevent her skin from breaking down meant that the likelihood of her being able to run within the next day was somewhere akin to his own ability to learn to fly.

It had been a hard morning for all of them. Jennifer had loaned them a bath chair that Lucy had used before her current one. Ryan had never seen one before but it looked vaguely similar to a deck chair that was made out of mesh and height adjustable but also had the addition of soft straps to stop her sliding out, wedges of foam down the sides to keep her upright and head support. The Doctor had looked utterly humiliated but it was better than the alternative which would have involved her being held upright in the bath while she was wet and slippery which risked her being hurt but also relied on a second person to actually wash her. Not to mention the danger for everyone involved of lifting her in and out of a bath – the height adjustable chair meant they didn’t have to worry about that. He hated to say it, but if things didn’t improve, they were going to have to move somewhere more accessible.

What was more concerning was that the Doctor has accepted it more easily than Yaz had. She hadn’t actually said anything, but she wasn’t right. Ryan knew she had a mountain of paperwork to get through which she was ignoring. She wasn’t researching therapies to help the Doctor recover her speech and movement. She was just staring at a magazine about celebrities she had zero interest in. He got it, her morning had been hard. By the time she helped the Doctor wash and dress, do her physio that she always did and fed her breakfast it had been time for lunch which Yaz had left Graham to give her, not even staying in the room. Now the Doctor was passed out with exhaustion from her busy morning of doing nothing upstairs, even the simplest of tasks that she was unable to participate in left her tired while whatever damage was going on in her brain tried to figure out how to fix itself.

Even the breakthrough they had had the night before when she had finally got enough words out to tell them how to restart her left heart and thus removing her dependence on the oxygen hadn’t made Yaz crack a smile. And now that it was beating reassuringly again she seemed to be in considerably less pain and a little stronger.

He was sure Yaz was sinking into depression and he knew it was something she had struggled with in the past, had even been suicidal at one point. He would not let that happen again. There was no shame in admitting you needed help, but he knew Yaz would find it hard. She was nothing if not stubborn. 

Hearing the front door open, Ryan went to grab Graham, noticing that Yaz had fallen asleep on the sofa while he had been in the garage. Sighing sadly, he gently tucked a blanket around her and picked up the monitor from the coffee table, ushering Graham out to the garden for a chat via the kitchen for tea.

When they made it back inside an hour later, both Yaz and the Doctor had woken up. From what he could see, the Doctor was in bed exactly as she had been left (where else would she be?) with her right arm spasming repeatedly and she was glaring at it. Ryan went upstairs to deal with it while Graham went to tackle Yaz.

“Come on love, just a cup of coffee, you need to get out for a bit.”

“I can’t, what if she needs something?”

“Ryan’s with her. If she needs something that he can’t do he will call and tell us and we’ll come back. You can't possibly be at her beck and call twenty-four hours a day and she certainly doesn’t expect it of you.”

“How do you know that Graham? She can't tell us.”

“Because I know her and I know how much she loves you and she absolutely does not want you to run yourself into the ground. Now lets go, one cup of coffee.”

“I’m fine Graham, there’s coffee in the kitchen if you’re so desperate.”

“Yaz, get off the sofa and come out with me. Half an hour is all I’m asking and I’m paying. Come on.” He said more harshly, handing her a pair of trainers.”

Sensing that the argument was already lost, Yaz pulled her trainers on and trudged after Graham as he led her to the local coffee shop. Inside it was busy and Graham shooed her away to find a seat while he bought the drinks. She found a small booth right at the back of the shop and Graham joined her a few minutes later, pushing a fruit scone and massive chocolate brownie towards her along with her coffee.

“I’m not really very hungry Graham.” She mumbled, eyes on the table.

“Eat one of them, you can take the other home for later. You’re not eating enough love.”

“I’m fine.”

Graham chuckled. “You sound just like the Doc when you say that but somehow even less convincing than she does.”

Yaz looked at him but didn’t respond.

“We’re worried about you.”

“I don’t really think I’m the person that needs worried about here.”

“I disagree Yaz. Everyone’s fussing around the Doc and she needs it and it’s okay that she needs it, but no one is looking after you. You’re doing all the heavy lifting, its important that you’re healthy too.”

“There’s nothing wrong with me Graham.” Yaz protested defensively.

“I don’t mean physically love though if you don’t start taking better care of yourself you will get sick. I mean your mental health. There’s no shame in admitting you need help.”

“I don’t need help.” She insisted.

“Yaz, you’re way too important to me to believe that right now. I think you need to talk to your doctor about this.”

“Graham I’m fine.” He had made her angry now, she was glaring at him across the table with her arms folded across her chest.

“Ryan…”

“Oh great so now you’ve been talking about me? That’s just great Graham. I suppose he told you everything? How I tried to kill myself a few years ago. So much for telling him something in confidence. And now you all think I'm some delicate wee girl who can't be trusted around the sharp knives. Is that it?”

“No Yaz, he didn’t tell me. I'm glad you just did though, and that is absolutely not what we think of you. You’re incredible Yaz, you're so strong. You’ve been through hell the last couple of years. You mourned her for months and yet as soon as she came back you jumped right in to make her better and you did, she was doing amazingly, but this is a major setback and it’s okay for you to feel the way you do.”

“A setback? That’s what we’re calling this? She can't move or speak Graham. This is way more than a setback.”

“And yesterday she was in agony and couldn’t breathe either but she managed to let us know how to start her heart. Now she’s in less pain, she can breathe without constant oxygen support and she shrugged her shoulders at you this morning. That’s progress.”

“Yeah right before I carried her into the bathroom, strapped her down because it’s the only way to prevent her from falling to the floor and washed her. Do you have any idea what it’s like for her to be restrained? She spent years chained to a cold, dirty floor while she was degraded in ways you can't even imagine, gang raped and couldn’t fight back. Our home has been her only safe haven and I’ve been her safe person and now I’ve gone and strapped her down again.”

Graham felt a bit sick. Neither the Doctor nor Yaz had ever gone into detail about what she had been through while she was away though he could guess.

“It’s not the same thing Yaz, she knows you would never hurt her.”

“I do hurt her! Every time I touch her at the moment I’m hurting her. Every time I dress her or stretch her. And the way she looks at me…”

“You and I both know that her face sometimes says a lot more than her words. And I’m sure she doesn’t like you taking care of her but I bet she would rather you than someone else. But if she doesn’t like it that will inspire her to do something about it and work hard to get better.”

“And what if she can't Graham? What if this as good as she ever gets?”

“I don’t think that’s going to happen Yaz. And I think its too early to speculate, we need treat her as if she’s going to make a full recovery. If we expect it of her and she expects it of herself then she's more likely to achieve it.”

“You don’t know that will happen.”

“You don’t know it won't.” he shot back. “Ryan and I let you do far too much on your own last time, we thought you had a handle on it and you did but we never should have let you do so much. I can promise you we won't do it again. And I can't tell you what to do Yaz, but if you decide to go and see your doctor, Ryan or I will drive you if you want, we can come in and hold your hand or wait in the car. Whatever you need love, we’ll be with you.”

She nodded mutely, staring at her coffee which had gone cold. Graham took it off her. “I’m going to get this heated up for you. Eat your scone while you’re waiting.”

He disappeared to the counter, still watching her out of the corner of his eye, relieved when she put the jam on the scone and nibbled a corner of it.

When they got home _it_ had arrived. Yaz looked at it with distaste, it was horrible. The new wheelchair. Ryan had unwrapped it from it’s plastic and now it was sitting in the middle of the living room. Looking around, Yaz realised they were going to have to rearrange the furniture in order to allow the Doctor to move around in it. Not that she would be moving herself, one of them would have to push her. Yaz had only pushed the Doctor’s current chair twice: when they had bought too many groceries in Tesco and when she had been unconscious in the park.

This one though… looked very… secure. Ryan had spent hours on the phone with the consultant making sure it would meet her needs and it would… it just screamed ‘I’m a person who needs to be taken care of.’

It had black and grey upholstery with a black frame. The back rest curved slightly and went all the way up to the shoulders with a separate, adjustable headrest on top and extra panels on the side so she couldn’t slip sideways. The seat was deep with a removable cushion that went between her legs to stop her sliding down, leg rests and foot plates. And there were straps everywhere, one for over each shoulder that would create a cross shape across her chest, another one across the lap and even optional straps to secure her hands to the arm rests and foot to the foot plate. It only had small wheels so there was zero possibility of her propelling it herself, there were two large handles across the back and it could be tilted and reclined to make her more comfortable. Yaz hated it on sight. Hated it for everything it meant and represented.

“Why are there so many straps?” asked Yaz.

“In case she has another seizure while she’s sitting in it. They’ll stop her from falling out or accidentally tipping the chair.”

“Does the Doctor know it’s here?”

“Not yet, it only arrived ten minutes ago and she’s still asleep.” He gestured to the monitor which was set up on the table.

“If she can tolerate being carried downstairs and sitting in it we could have dinner tonight, properly. I’ll make something that we can all eat. And even if she can't eat down here we can all sit together upstairs.” Offered Graham.

“That sounds nice Graham, thanks.” Yaz replied with a soft smile. She was scrutinising the living room, trying to work out how to rearrange it.

“If we move your sofa forwards Yaz, she can get to the kitchen and garden but there’s also room for us to bring her wheelchair beside it so we can all sit together and watch a film or hang out or whatever. I noticed the armrests of the chair won't fit under your table but if we move one of your chairs anyway she’s still part of the group and can sit closer.”

“It’s not her wheelchair Ryan. Her wheelchair is in the hall where she left it.”

He held her arm gently. “It is for now Yaz. Denying the state she's in won't make it go away, all it does is make you both unhappy and unable to move forwards. I put her usual chair in the garage for now.”

Yaz wrenched her arm away from him. She didn’t want to hear it. She wanted some time to herself but there was nowhere to go. The Doctor was in the bedroom, Ryan in the living room and Graham in the kitchen. It was raining outside. She ran up the stairs and locked herself into the bathroom, sinking down onto the floor and crying so hard she didn’t even notice herself toppling over, just curled up into a tight ball.

In the bedroom, the Doctor had been disturbed by Graham and Yaz coming back. She was once again lying on her back though no longer in a semi-seated position as she could breathe more easily. And she was now very worried having heard Yaz run up the stairs and watched her run into the bathroom and heard the click of the lock. That had been a while ago and she hadn’t come out.

_Stars alive, I can't believe I'm putting you through this again Yaz. I'm so sorry._

She desperately wished she could get up and see her, not that she needed to know why she was so upset, she knew that already. And if she could get up and see her she wouldn’t be so upset. She just wanted to hold her tight and tell her everything would be okay because it had to be.

Her head was much clearer now. She could think and focus and remember. But she still couldn’t make her body move. It was about as useful as a ragdolls and just slumped in what ever direction her friends had positioned her in. A wriggle of her fingers, a small shrug of her shoulders or moving her head providing it was supported in a neutral position was her lot at the moment. She kept trying but the signals were getting lost somewhere and she wanted to scream in frustration. But she didn’t. That wouldn’t get her anywhere. She couldn’t decide which was worse, not being able to move or not being able to talk. Talking’s brilliant.

If she could choose one right now, it would definitely be moving, then she could go to Yaz and hold her close, she could hear her crying through the bathroom door. But then maybe talking would be better because Yaz would have to come out of the bathroom sometime and then she would actually be able to talk to her, to reassure her. To let her know that this couldn’t last for ever.

At least they had got her heart restarted. Stars alive that had hurt. Had been causing her whole body pain, it was such a relief to have it back in sync. It had been Yaz who had spent nearly an hour trying to work out the admittedly very poor instructions that she managed to get out in the midst of the stutters, slurs and huge jumble of unintelligible sounds. She was still in pain, but it was tolerable now.

Finally, Ryan appeared upstairs. Rassilon it was good to see him.

“Hey Doctor, you alright?” he asked, crouching down in front of her so she didn’t have to strain her neck to look up at him.

She tried to answer him but all that happened was that she ended up dribbling repulsively down her chin and she groaned in annoyance, feeling her cheeks flush with embarrassment.

Ryan was unbothered and wiped her mouth for her, offered her a drink from the water bottle beside the bed and waited patiently for her to get words out.

She swallowed a couple of times first and then tried again.

“Y…Y….Y….Yaz… …cigh-in” she eventually managed.

“Yaz is crying? Is she in the bathroom?”

She nodded.

He squeezed her hands. “I’ll go and see her, want me to bring her in here?”

She nodded again. How did he always know the right thing to do these days?

She watched him leave, he knocked on the toilet door a couple of times but there was no answer. After a few minutes he pulled a coin out of his pocket and let himself in. The crying was louder now and she could hear him talking but couldn’t make out the words. He reappeared a few minutes later and he was carrying her.

Her heart was in her mouth, what had happened? Was she hurt?

He brought Yaz into the bedroom and gently laid her down beside the Doctor where she curled up into a tight ball, resting her head on the Doctor’s chest.

She tried really hard to wrap her arm around Yaz, but it just wouldn’t move. Luckily Ryan seemed to know what she wanted to do and moved her arm for her, resting it on Yaz’s back and propping it up with a pillow under her elbow so it didn’t just flop back uselessly onto the bed. Yaz’s hand was on the Doctor’s stomach and he brough the Doctor’s other hand up to meet it so they could hold hands.

Ryan left the room to give them some privacy, smiling when he saw the Doctor moving her fingers the little but that she could to rub Yaz’s shoulder soothingly.

It was weird, she could barely feel Yaz’s head on her chest or the wet patch she knew Yaz was making on her pyjama top but her right leg was aching. She didn’t even have a right leg. She kept stroking Yaz’s shoulder and running her fingers through the bit of hair she could reach. She was pleased when she realised some of the movement was coming from her wrist.

Eventually Yaz started to calm down and the Doctor nudged the tissue Ryan had put in her hand for the purpose towards her. She sniffed, smiling slightly and blew her nose. She shifted herself so she was still resting her head against the Doctor’s chest but was facing her now.

“Am I hurting you?”

She shook her head. “Ca…n…t … … f…ee… i.."

“Can't feel it?”

She shook her head confirming.

“Y….Y….Yaz… …w…hy?” she managed to get out.

“Just can't stop worrying about you. You were so sick, I was so scared. And you’ve worked so hard, it’s not fair.”

“I… …h-igh-n.”

“That’s probably the least convincing you’ve ever sounded saying that” Yaz said, laughing slightly as she said it despite herself.

The Doctor smiled in response and squeezed her hand as tightly as she could.

“Do you need anything?”

The Doctor shook her head.

_Just you Yaz. Please stop worrying._

“Graham’s making fish pie for dinner for us all.”

The Doctor smiled widely in response. She hadn’t had Graham’s fish pie since they were all on the TARDIS together but it was mouth watering. Yaz still wouldn’t give her custard creams, even Ryan had refused to give in when she was still lying flat in case she choked but Graham’s fish pie was soft and creamy and topped with cheesy mash and so tasty. Would probably the best thing she had eaten since the barbecue more than a week ago.

Ryan knocked on the door and came in. “Alright you two?” he asked, looking at Yaz in concern. She was still a wobbly teary mess but she nodded anyway and he gave her a brief hug.

_Not fair that you get to hug her and I don’t._

“I don’t know if Yaz told you yet Doctor but the wheelchair we ordered for you to use for a while arrived while you were napping and we were wondering if you fancied getting out of bed for a while?”

She thought about the chair, he had shown her pictures before ordering it. It was nothing like her normal wheelchair which she had just about accepted her continuing need for and she really didn’t want to admit to herself that she needed it but on the other hand, it would be amazing to get out of bed.

So she nodded very reluctantly, looking at Yaz.

“If it’s alright with you Doctor, I’m going to carry you downstairs when Ryan is here to help, I need to know if I can do it in case he isn’t here.”

She nodded. “ch…r…ush… …y…ou.”

She did trust her. She had carried her in and out of the bathroom without a problem that morning, and she had seen Yaz without her shirt on, she had a serious six-pack and amazing biceps hiding under there. And she knew she weighed a lot less now, she was one step above skeletal no matter how many custard creams she ate and missing her leg shaved off another bit. Yaz could handle it, she was sure of that.

Yaz climbed off the bed and came round to stand beside the Doctor. She put the Doctor’s hands across her stomach and then wrapped her own arms under the Doctor’s shoulders and knee, lifting her bridal style.

_Stars it was humiliating._

Ryan went down the stairs first, backwards and ready to help if Yaz needed it but she didn’t. 

The Doctor didn’t manage to get a good look at the wheelchair before she was sitting in it, she had come down the stairs with her back to it and it was waiting right at the bottom of them. What she did see was that the furniture had moved and she instantly felt guilty, that was for her. She knew this chair was a lot bigger than her own.

Ryan had prepared the wheelchair, it was fully put together and he had sat in it and bounced around and have Graham wheel him into the garden and back just to make sure there was nothing out of place. It was a horrible sensation and he hadn’t even been strapped to it the way the Doctor would be, a total loss of control. He had tilted it back now so when they had to figure out the straps for the first time she wouldn’t be at risk of falling forwards and the straps themselves were dangling over the sides.

Yaz lowered the Doctor in carefully, making sure to get her all the way back in the seat and together she and Ryan figured out the chest and lap straps, adjusting them so they would fit, moved her left foot so it was properly on the foot plate and adjusted the head rest so her head actually reached it. Finally Yaz slowly sat her up, bearing in mind that she had essentially being lying flat and certainly no more than a thirty degree angle for a week and not wanting her blood pressure to bottom out and cause her to faint on top of everything else.

When she was finished, Yaz hurried round to stand in front of her and check in. She wasn’t quite upright but almost, she needed to be tilted slightly for the head rest to hold her head up for now.

“You okay?” Yaz asked.

Truth be told she was a little dizzy, her vision a little fuzzy but it was a while since she had been upright so she was expecting that. She closed her eyes against the room which was wavering a little.

“Doctor?” Yaz sounded worried now.

She felt herself being tipped back again. She was still more upright than she had been in a while but not quite so much. Her hand was being moved, someone was holding it but she couldn’t feel it well enough to tell who. Probably Yaz.

“Doctor, are you still with us?”

Yaz was tapping her cheek now, forcing her to open her eyes and concentrate.

“mmm…k..ay” she slurred, blinking to help the room come back into focus.

Yaz was looking at her looking very relieved while Ryan had disappeared but she could hear him moving behind her. He was clanking something, it was very annoying not being able to turn round and look, even if she’d had the strength to move her head that far she was pretty sure the head rest would have been in her way.

“Are you comfortable?” Yaz asked, catching her attention again.

Surprisingly she was actually. More so than she had been in a while, it felt good to be sitting… well almost sitting and it was really helping with the headache. She nodded.

“There are straps that we can use for your head, hands and foot if you feel like you need them. I don’t think you need them in here but you might if we’re out somewhere. What do you think?”

She nodded again, she didn’t feel insecure but she had frighteningly little control over her body at the moment and was worried that rough ground would cause her hands and leg to jostle painfully. Her body was at a tolerable level of pain now and she knew it wouldn’t enjoy bouncing around. But the harness she was already wearing was bad enough.

_No, don’t think about it now, cross that bridge when you come to it._

“Doctor you’re zoning out again” Yaz said softly, squeezing her hand.

“Sh..or…ee.”

“Dinners ready” called Graham from the kitchen and she saw Ryan walk past her to help with plates while Yaz pushed her chair up to the table so she could sit with them, even if the arms of her new chair didn’t fit underneath.

For the Doctor, dinner was difficult. Yaz was sat beside her, alternating one bite for herself and one for the Doctor but she kept losing bits out of the side of her mouth and Yaz had to clean it up. Nobody drew attention to in, in fact they were impressively normal about the whole surreal situation, but it didn’t make her feel any better. She wanted to go and hide in shame.

Graham and Ryan sat at the table until Yaz and finally the Doctor had finished eating. From raising her own children, the Doctor knew there was more to eating than we consciously think about, having the dexterity to grip the spoon, the strength to lift it, the balance to not spill what was on it, the muscles to raise it and the co-ordination to put it in your mouth. Only when she had all of those things would she be able to feed herself. At the moment, she didn’t have any.

“Doctor do you wanna watch a film tonight?” Ryan asked when she had finally finished eating.

_Watching a movie with the fam. How wonderfully normal._

“Y..y…yesh.”

He took the breaks off her chair and wheeled over to the sofa. “Stay in your chair or sit with Yaz on the sofa. No right answer, just whatever you think is best.”

Her chair would probably be more comfortable and she really didn’t want to be lifted again but on the other hand it would be so nice to be held in Yaz’s arms again.

“Sh…fa” she managed.

_Stars she was tired even though it was still light out and she had had a good four hour sleep that afternoon._

She watched as Yaz made herself comfortable on the sofa, back against the arm rest, one leg stretched the length of it and the other stabilising her against the floor and then Ryan was unbuckling her, lifting her easily and settling her so she was leaning against Yaz. She closed her eyes and breathed in the scent that was uniquely hers, a mix of tea and avocado shampoo and coconut bodywash and spearmint toothpaste.

Yaz had picked the movie for a change, something called _Adult Life Skills_ which was apparently about a woman with absolutely no adult life skills which she confirmed by microwaving her own bra in the first scene. Even the Doctor knew not to do something quite that stupid. Besides, the TARDIS put her foot down about some things and that was probably one of them.

Ryan wandered in a few minutes after the film had started with a tray which he placed on the Doctor’s lap. She raised her eyebrows, silently asking what it was.

“When I was a kid my dyspraxia was way worse than it is now, literally couldn’t hold a pencil, didn’t manage to write my own name till I was eight. Anyway I had this one teacher in Year One I think it was and she knew I weren’t stupid or mucking around and she gave me loads of stuff to do to build strength in my hands and one of them was playing with play dough. Just rolling and squeezing and shaping it can build the strength in your hands plus its fun.”

“No way, I love playdough!” said Yaz excitedly.

“I have another tub in the kitchen if you want it?” Ryan snorted, and then started laughing at her when she nodded eagerly as he went out to get it for her before settling on the sofa with the Doctor’s foot in his lap.

“Anna looks just like you Doc if you didn’t die your hair.” Graham commented

“She doesn’t die her hair, it’s just like that.” Yaz answered for her.

“Wait” said Ryan. “Your hair naturally grows bottle blonde with dark roots? Why?”

She shrugged, regeneration was a lottery. Never knew what you were going to get.

“That’s well weird.”

The Doctor snorted. Of all the things about having a currently very disabled alien living in your house and that was weird?

“Ch…r…igh… …bee..in…. …wom…wom…woman…. …aft… ….be… … man… … four… … th…ou…s… …yee…r.”

“Try being a woman after being a man for four thousand years? Yeah okay that is weirder than your hair growing in like that naturally” he admitted, watching as Yaz and the Doctor compete to make the roundest snowman.

They were barely half way through the film when the Doctor fell asleep again and they left her where she was. She seemed comfortable enough. When it was over, Ryan carried her up to bed. Yaz decided against waking her to change into clean pyjamas when she was sleeping so peacefully for a change. Instead she made her comfortable and climbed in beside her.

When Yaz woke the next morning, the Doctor was already awake, watching her.

“Morning” greeted Yaz softly, kissing her gently and laying her head on the Doctor’s chest again. “I really missed that sound. I was so scared I would never hear it again.”

“Sh..or…ee.”

“Don’t be. Best sound in the universe, just glad I’ve got it back… Graham’s taking Ryan to do his presentation today so it’s just us until this evening. Do you want to stay down here or go downstairs and sit in your chair?”

Ryan’s presentation. She’d forgotten. Well, not forgotten but she hadn’t realised that the day had crept up on them so fast. She should be there supporting him, demonstrating. What use was a prosthetic leg designed just for her without her to demonstrate. It’s not like Ryan could demonstrate on her behalf. At the very least she should be there to support him.

“G..o”

“Go downstairs?”

She shook her head.

“G…o… …Ry…n”

“You want to go and see Ryan. You want to watch his presentation?”

She nodded.

“Are you sure Doctor? You won't be able to sit in my car so we’ll have to get the train and it’ll be a long day. You nearly fainted on us yesterday when you sat up and you’re spending half the day napping.”

“Pl…ee..sh… …ha… …to.”

“You have to.” Yaz sighed, she understood where the Doctor was coming from. “Okay BUT under certain conditions. When we were in the park you weren’t right and I wanted to bring you home you wouldn’t let me. Then you had the mother of all panic attacks, a seizure and here we are. So I will take you but I reserve the right to pull you out if I think you’re not well enough. You don’t ever get to put me through that again. Okay?”

She nodded.

Yaz booked the train tickets on her phone. She knew you were supposed to request ramp access to the train twenty-four hours in advance which she obviously wasn’t doing but hopefully it wouldn’t matter too much. She was fairly confident she could get the Doctor on and off regardless and there was bound to be someone around to help if she couldn’t, it was a direct train. They would have to move quicker than they had the morning before though. Yaz showered as fast as she could and then repeated their new morning routine with the Doctor which still took hours. Eventually she was dressed in the same outfit she had worn when Maisie came to visit and Yaz carried her down the stairs and settled her into the wheelchair, noticing that that at least was quicker than it had been the day before. She then fed the Doctor her bowl of cereal while simultaneously munching on her own toast before rushing upstairs to gather things they might need: oxygen just in case; the extra straps for the wheelchair to stop her from moving too much; a blanket; bathroom supplies and her phone. When she had everything in a bag she stowed it under the Doctor’s chair where there was a shelf for such things and wrestled the Doctor’s very uncooperative foot into a shoe.

“Are you ready?”

Suddenly the Doctor didn’t feel so ready. People were going to stare. Really really stare because this chair made her look so much more disabled than her regular one and the looks she got in that were bad enough. She hated being looked at. And she wouldn’t even be able to hold Yaz’s hand because Yaz would have to be behind her, pushing the chair. And normally she was annoyed when people thought Yaz was her carer rather than her girlfriend but looking like this, how could they not?

“It’s okay to be nervous Doctor. You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

She shook her head. “W…an… …to.”

“Okay then. It’s an hour until the train leaves and a half hour walk but I think we should go now in case there are any delays, is that okay?”

She nodded and Yaz moved behind her, grabbing the handles of the chair and reversing the Doctor out of the house, manoeuvring her carefully over the step into the house.

She was right, the stares were worse than they had ever been, she thought as they walked along the river bank into town. Sympathy. Pity. Disgust. Whispers they thought she couldn’t hear. She couldn’t even chat to Yaz, because the wind kept blowing her words away as she was facing the opposite direction to the one she needed to communicate properly.

When they were about half way there, Yaz stopped and put the breaks on so she could stand in front of the Doctor.

“You alright? I don’t like not being able to see your face.”

She noticed one of the Doctor’s hands had fallen between her leg and the side of her chair and the other was lying awkwardly on her lap while her foot had slipped off the foot plate because she had so little control. At least she was managing to hold her head up so far.

The Doctor nodded miserably in response.

“Do you want to go back?”

“N…N…N…No.”

“Your hands and feet don’t look to comfortable. Do you want me to strap them in?”

“Y..y…yesh.” she admitted defeatedly.

Yaz smiled at her. But when she smiled it wasn’t in pity or disgust or sympathy, it was understanding. She made quick work of it, lacing the straps through the loops on the chair and lifting the Doctors arms and foot to where they needed to be. It was actually a lot more comfortable and it relieved her of the pins and needles in her hands she hadn’t even realised were there.

They arrived at the train station with twenty minutes to spare but the train was already there which was good. They were ushered through the extra wide gates with the great big blue wheelchair painted on it and followed a guy with a huge metal ramp to the right carriage on the train. There was a space for Yaz to park the Doctor’s chair though she wasn’t able to sit next to her and had to settle for opposite instead. They were so far apart she couldn’t even lean in and hold her hand but there also weren’t many other seats in their carriage meaning it was quiet and the Doctor was less likely to get overwhelmed. Yaz still wasn’t convinced what they were doing was a good idea. If she passed out or had another seizure or panic attack they were a long way from home.

“Keep talking to me Doctor, I know this is a big deal so I need to know how you’re doing.”

She blinked determinedly before answering. “Mmm…k..ay.”

“Headwonk?”

“No.”

“Panicking?”

“No.”

“Too much stimulation?”

“Bi…” she admitted sheepishly.

“A bit? Promise to tell me if it becomes too much.”

She nodded and closed her eyes, trying to block out the harsh, fluorescent lights.

Thankfully the train journey wasn’t long, only half an hour and then it wasn’t far to the university which was much more accessible than Yaz expected. She was powerwalking, aware that the presentations would have already started. When she finally located the right hall she snuck them in at the back, parked the Doctor’s chair and sat next to her at the end of a row, unstrapping her hand so she could hold it.

Although they were late they hadn’t missed Ryan’s turn and Yaz clapped loud enough for both of them when he stepped nervously up to the podium to speak.

“Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. I’m honoured to have the chance to talk to you today and the chance to tell you about what I have been working on. My friend Jane had an accident last year and among other things, lost her right leg above her knee. I’ve known Jane a long time and she is never still for a second. I wanted to create a more multi-purpose prosthetic for her to use. The one she has is great for every day use but I wanted a way it could be easily converted into a running blade as well. Jane’s job is very active and she needs to be able to run without stopping and changing her leg, an uncomfortable process that can take up to half an hour, especially as she has limited dexterity in one of her hands…” and Ryan went on.

Despite how nervous he had looked going up to the podium, the more he spoke the more confident he became. He showed footage of the Doctor walking and running with her usual leg, preliminary footage of her switching the between foot and blade of the one he had built and her walking on it between a set of parallel bars and again on crutches. He fielded questions when he was done and Yaz noticed that he got way more questions from people who sounded genuinely interested in what he had to say than any of the other candidates had.

She looked over to the Doctor to whisper about how well he was doing and noticed that she was crying silently. Yaz stood up and quickly took her outside.

“What’s the matter?” she asked, sitting on a bench opposite her so they were at a more even height.

She didn’t answer but cried harder and Yaz pulled out a tissue and held it for her to blow her nose.

“Was it the videos? Seeing yourself walking? She asked gently.

She nodded and cried harder.

She was impossible to hug properly like this, so secured into the wheelchair and Yaz ended up undoing her chest straps and she could bring her in close.

“This won't be forever Doctor. We’re all gonna help you get back on your feet. We’ll do everything you can. As long as you work hard, we’ll work twice as hard to support you I promise.

Yaz rubbed her back, feeling her own heart break in two. The whole situation was so horrifically unjust but right now she needed to be strong. She could cry about it later when she got home.

When the Doctor was calm again, Yaz sat her up again, strapped her back in and dried her face with her sleeve.

“Do you want to go back in and find Ryan or go home?”

“Ry…n”

“Then that’s what we’ll do. Hopefully they’re finished by now. “

Yaz pushed her back into the auditorium and down towards the lecture space. Thankfully it was a ramp rather than stairs, she didn’t want to have to figure out how to use one of the stair lifts and they didn’t need to find Ryan because he had spotted them.

“Doctor! Yaz!” he shouted, jogging over to them, hugging the Doctor first and then Yaz. “What are you two doing here? You should’ve said you were coming!”

“We only decided this morning. Couldn’t miss your big presentation after all the work you’ve put in.”

“Pr…ou… …you… … Ry…n” the Doctor stuttered.

He hugged her again. “Not half as proud as I am of you for being here.” He whispered in her ear.

All around them the room was suddenly filled with a microphone squealing. Everyone jumped though no one quite as violently as the Doctor and both Ryan and Yaz put calming hands on top of hers.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, if you could all please return to your seats, we would like to announce the winner…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes:  
> If you want to chat about this story or any of its issues or just a general chat you can add me on Discord. My username is anobii#8042
> 
> If anyone is interested this is the wheelchair the Doctor uses normally (though hers is Tardis blue)  
> https://www.sunrisemedical.co.uk/wheelchairs/quickie/lightweight-wheelchairs/helium?fbclid=IwAR1v8fhm4jazwVlc1dSXtftIPk3qLABAvWYeMD1-hOiIStZxeQ6SiX4Q40s
> 
> Where as this is the one Ryan has ordered for her to use temporarily so they can get her out of bed.  
> https://www.medicalexpo.com/prod/antano-group/product-88563-871229.html
> 
> Obviously they are very different and serve different people with different needs.


	57. Chapter 57

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long. School was… brutal. Haven’t been in the mood or had the energy to write so hope this is okay and thanks for understanding. Hope it's not too boring.

Yaz was sitting at the table with her laptop open in front of her. She had a huge amount of work to get through. The Doctor was sat beside her in her new wheelchair, it had come with a detachable tray which was currently clipped to the front of the chair and she was working with a pile of small objects, trying to pick them up and put them in a bowl. It was the sort of activity most toddlers could have completed easily and watching her try to force her hands and fingers into following direction was painful, not helped by the visual of her firmly strapped into the wheelchair in the first place. Yaz had a large mug of coffee in front of her, they had both been awake with nightmares during the night, while the Doctor was working her way through a nutritional milkshake. Ryan had built a small stand for her water bottle to raise it up if it was on the tray, so she didn’t need someone to hold it for her. Not where either of them wanted to be perhaps, but it was peaceful and quiet and the start of yet another new normal.

Over the last two weeks the whole fam had settled into a new routine of sorts. Yaz and Ryan were coordinating their shifts, Yaz was working two twelve hour shifts a week and doing the rest from home and Ryan was always with the Doctor on those days. Although Graham had more free time, he couldn’t lift the Doctor if she needed it and neither of them were particularly comfortable if he had to touch her for whatever reason. But he did come to hang out, cook, make endless cups of tea and generally be a supportive Grandad.

On the days when she wasn’t at work Yaz got up first and then helped the Doctor wash and dress, stretch out her muscles and then they would have breakfast together before working on tasks to improve her core stability and gross motor skills and have lunch. After lunch, the Doctor inevitably passed out with exhaustion, sometimes even before she had finished eating and Yaz took the opportunity to work for a while. When she woke up, they would stretch and do more physio before coming back downstairs. Yaz would strap the Doctor into her wheelchair and she worked on small activities to try and coax her hands back to life while Yaz worked some more.

Yaz missed those hands, they were so expressive and often told a story in far more detail than the Doctors words ever did. In the early evening they would be joined by Ryan and or Graham for dinner (assuming they weren’t already there) and spend time together as a fam. Even when Yaz was working she was still doing all personal care for the Doctor, squeezing it in before and after work and during her lunch break when she would race home and Jennifer pretended not to notice her eating at her desk or in the car later in the day. She didn’t really know what Ryan and the Doctor got up to when it was just the two of them, only that he didn’t get particularly up close and personal with her other than helping her into bed when she needed to sleep. 

The Doctor had made minor improvements to her physical state. She had more control over her hands, she was able to move her arms to a limited extent and wriggle her toes though there were no visible changes to her overall stability and she still had to propped up or strapped in at all times. On the plus side, her speech was improving much more rapidly. The stutter was largely gone, some words were slurred and difficult to understand and it was all slow but none the less an enormous improvement and she could once again hold a conversation.

They had only been back downstairs for half an hour when Ryan walked in. He still looked down, but he greeted both Yaz and the Doctor with a hug like he always did. He hadn’t won the scholarship and was quietly devastated though trying not to show it in front of the Doctor who was convinced that it was all her fault. The panel had said that while it was a good idea it wouldn’t appeal to a wide enough range of people. Which made no sense to any of the fam given that the number of amputations in the UK, especially lower limb amputations, was on the rise and a leg that was so easily interchangeable could be life changing for so many people. But they didn’t bring it up, Ryan just shrugged it off and was working more than ever to try and save enough money for his studies.

“You guys ready to go?” he asked, his smile not reaching his eyes.

Yaz gathered up their bits, including the special harness that the Doctor could wear in the car to stop her falling forwards and they headed out to the car. Ryan fitted the harness easily and then Yaz slid into the middle seat at the back and they worked together to transfer the Doctor into the car and get strapped in. She slumped alarmingly to one side until Yaz strapped herself in and was able to bolster her.

“You still okay with thus?” Yaz asked her as she watched Ryan wrestle the wheelchair into his boot.

“I think… maybe.”

“You can change your mind if you want to. At any point. Let me know and we’ll get you out of there.”

Yaz had discovered that their local special school, which had a heated, therapeutic swimming pool, rented out said pool in the evenings to the public. Private physiotherapists could also make use of the therapeutic equipment and if they had a lifeguard they would be have total privacy. Thanks to the Doctor’s psychic paper, Yaz was now a private physiotherapist and Ryan a lifeguard meaning they had sole use of the pool and its fully accessible changing rooms for a couple of hours.

The Doctor had fallen silent by the time they arrived. She was anxious and Yaz knew she would be fidgeting if she could.

“It’s just you, me and Ryan.” Yaz reminded her. “I’ll keep you safe, I promise. I’ve actually done this before.”

“You shouldn’t have to keep me safe. My job” she slurred slowly.

“Goes both ways Doctor. You’ve kept me safe loads of times, my turn now.”

“What if I can't do it?”

“Then we’ll try something else. But it certainly won't do any harm.”

“Unless I drown.”

Yaz elbowed her lightly, a gesture she could see but didn’t really feel. “I’m not going to let you drown you muppet. Do you really think I would let that happen to you?”

The Doctor rested her head against Yaz’s affectionately for a moment. “No, I trust you Yaz. I know you’ve got me.”

“Good. Just don’t you forget it.” Yaz said sternly, kissing her softly.

Lifting her out of the car proved easier than lifting her in and within a few minutes she was secured into the wheelchair and they were heading for reception. They flashed the psychic paper which the Doctor had already set up for them and a young woman showed them the way to the pool. As she was pushed along the corridor, the Doctor couldn’t help but stare at some of the equipment in the halls and classrooms: standing frames, walkers, hoists and therapy beds to name a few.

Ryan had remained silent throughout the drive and as soon as they arrived at the changing rooms he disappeared to change in private, leaving Yaz and the Doctor to it. Now well practiced at transferring the Doctor from her chair to wherever she needed to be, Yaz had her lying down on the changing bed in just a moment, it was considerably easier now she was able to hold her own head up. However, trying to get her thoroughly uncooperative body into the modest, navy swimsuit was quite another matter though they got there eventually. As soon as the Doctor was dressed, Yaz stripped down, already in a black suit with coloured stripes over her hips and lifted the Doctor into the shower chair that was in the room and secured her with a soft cloth lap belt before she called Ryan in.

“Doctor, I’m going to push you out to the pool but Ryan is going to walk in front of us and support your shoulders, that way when we get into the water it’ll be me who can take you out of the chair and into the water is that okay?”

The Doctor glanced at Ryan nervously. She always forgot how tall he was until he was standing over her at moments like this. Obviously, she knew he would never hurt her but she felt so exposed in the swimming costume and Ryan was bare-chested and now he was going to have to touch her.

_Get a grip you idiot. He hugs you, he holds your hand. For Rassilon’s sake he literally carries you up the stairs to bed. And he would never be inappropriate._

She nodded apprehensively, not quite trusting her voice.

Ryan leaned in, planting his hands firmly on her shoulders, instantly forcing her body to stop sliding sideways which it been slowly doing and she closed her eyes, trying very hard not to think about being held down in exactly this position. She had been chained at the waist then as well, but the rest of her body left free. She had been too sick and exhausted by that point to fight back then too.

“Doctor you with us?” Ryan’s voice permeated her thoughts as he shook her shoulders gently.

She forced herself to open her eyes and look at him, trying to work out if he had said something she was expected to respond to.

“Yaz asked if you’re ready? She’s going to take you down the ramp backwards. When we get to the bottom, the chair will recline back, and she’ll be able to help you float off. Is that okay?” he asked, noticing her confusion.

She swallowed reflexively. Going down backwards sounded horrific, though not as bad as going forwards. “Yeah, it’s fine.” She whispered.

The Doctor could hear Yaz talking to her though she couldn’t make out the words and then suddenly the chair was tilting back and where she had been submerged only to her waist, she now had water over most of her body. She could feel Yaz’s arm under her neck and shoulders and had a vague sensation of Yaz’s other arm supporting her somewhere in the region of her lower back.

Ryan appeared in her field of view for a brief moment and she was aware of her leg being moved. Then he was at her waist and finally at her neck. She closed her eyes again, trying to block out the touching. She knew it was necessary. Didn’t mean she had to like it.

Ryan could tell that the Doctor was struggling already. She was incredibly vulnerable at the moment and he knew that having to be so exposed in a swimsuit while he was bare chested wasn’t helping. The pool rules didn’t allow either of them to wear the cotton t-shirts they had brought for modesty; something to do with clogging up the pool filters. Looking at her, he hadn’t realised what a bag of bones she had become. He tried to be as respectful as he could as he slid a pool noodle under her knee, strapped a flotation belt around her waist and secured a head support around her neck and shoulders.

He wasn’t sure how far they would get today but Yaz had already explained to him and the Doctor that he would have to be hands on to an extent. Anything she could do on her own she would but until the Doctor had some control over her core muscles, she needed to be fully supported to do everything. The only reason Yaz was able to work with her alone at home was because everything she was doing so far was passive. Until the Doctor could sit reliably on her own, she was going to need someone to help her balance and someone else to help her complete the exercise. It was all a giant mess.

Yaz was holding the Doctor’s arms, slowly circling the pool to get her used to the sensation, talking to her quietly until she sensed that the Doctor had finally calmed down.

“Is it okay if Ryan and I swap places? I want to warm up your muscles before we try anything.” Yaz asked. While the Doctor had been slowly become less averse to touch over the last few months or so, hew newfound lack of sensation had ramped it right back up again. She had no control now and Yaz always asked, even when there wasn’t really a choice.

The Doctor nodded hesitantly, and she felt Ryan take over the slow circle of the pool while Yaz held her hand. They Ryan stopped moving, relying on the floats to keep her well… afloat. With the head support the Doctor was more upright than she normally was when Yaz was helping her exercise and she watched with interest as Yaz pulled, pushed and stretched her limbs. It looked… brutal though she didn’t feel much more than a few twinges of discomfort.

When Yaz was satisfied she came to stand beside the Doctor’s head.

“I want to help you work on your core a bit. I want to put a weight on your foot and both thighs to stop you floating. They’re very light, it’s only to stop you drifting away. You’ll be against the pool wall, Ryan will be beside you and I’ll stand in front of you. That okay?”

“Yeah, not really sure what you’re expecting to happen though. I can’t sit.”

“Hoping the water will give you enough stability that you’ll be able to at least give it a go. I’m going to remove the floats first so your body will naturally sink a little, but I won’t take away the one under your head until you’re about to sit up.”

Yaz was efficient and the Doctor had the weights strapped to her legs in a few moments and before she knew it Ryan and Yaz had steered her to an underwater bench and Yaz had ducked underwater to position her foot and guide her hips to the back of the bench. The water was up to her shoulders and Yaz removed the float that was resting on them and took over from Ryan, steadying her under her arms which were floating aided by small floats on her wrists which she was moving through the water as much as she could.

“Doctor, you’re doing great!” exclaimed Yaz, a gorgeous smile on her lips. It felt like ages since she had seen Yaz smile like that.

“Am I?”

“Yes!” Yaz waved both hands at her. “You’re on your own, have been for almost thirty seconds!”

“Have I?” she asked excitedly, looking round quickly to see Ryan standing a foot away and smiling broadly before promptly sliding sideways. Yaz caught her easily and resteadied her.

“Let’s go again. Try for a minute.”

Ryan flicked a timer, Yaz let go and the Doctor once again worked on moving her fairly useless noodle arms through the water, managing thirty-four seconds before her body started slipping and Yaz stepped in.

“Again?” the Doctor asked.

Yaz grinned and steadied her for a third time. And a fourth. And a fifth. And a sixth. Her best try was the fourth with thirty-seven seconds, after that her times went down.

“New activity” Yaz said before the Doctor could get frustrated with herself. “I want you to hold on to my shoulders and push me away as best you can.”

Yaz crouched down so she and the Doctor were level and waited patiently while the Doctor concentrated on moving her arms through the water to rest on Yaz’s shoulders and then managed to hold them lightly.

The Doctor tried to hold in a grin when Ryan cheered for her as she managed to push Yaz just a little through the water.

“You want to do it again? Pull me back towards you.” Yaz instructed.

The Doctor gritted her teeth in concentration, willing her arms to come towards her while also gripping onto Yaz’s shoulders. Yaz made her repeat it ten times and by the end her muscles were trembling with exhaustion.

“Looks like your core muscles aren’t quite as dormant as we thought!” Yaz said, pleased and hugged her tightly.

For the next hour, Yaz encouraged the Doctor to move herself as much as possible, sometimes needing Ryan’s help, sometimes just the two of them.

When their session was finished and Yaz had transferred her back into her wheelchair, she was asleep before Yaz was even dressed and didn’t stir as she was lifted into the car or back out again when they got home. Yaz took her inside, parked her in the living room, reclined the seat so she would be more comfortable, tucked her in with a blanket and went into the kitchen to join Ryan and Graham who were already cooking. Well, Graham was cooking, Ryan was pinching grated cheese when he thought Graham wasn’t looking.

“How was it?” asked Graham, prodding some potatoes in a pot.

“She freaked out to begin with, don’t think she liked being so exposed in a swimming costume or having Ryan so close when he was bare chested but she calmed down without a panic attack though I think she was on the verge.”

“She got over it though.” Pointed out Ryan.

“Yeah she did. She was able to sit leaning against the poolside for about thirty seconds at a time before she toppled and push me away from her though pulling me back was harder. She worked really hard, was all but asleep when I was dressing her.”

“Should I just take her up to bed?” offered Ryan.

“Nah, you’ve seen her in a swimsuit, there’s nothing to her, she needs to wake up long enough to eat at least.”

Graham produced a fragrant shepherd’s pie and Yaz went to wake the Doctor who was snoring softly. She hated to do it, it was rare that the Doctor slept so peacefully.

“Doctor, wake up.” Yaz called softly.

The Doctor startled slightly and blinked in confusion, apparently surprised to find herself in the living room.

“You fell asleep at the pool” Yaz explained to answer her unasked question. “Didn’t even stir when we got you in and out of the car.”

“Well that’s embarrassing.” She muttered, her pale cheeks flushing slightly.

“Don’t worry about it. You worked hard, that’s probably the most your body has done for itself for a nearly a month.”

Yaz pushed her over to the table and replaced the blanket that was tucked around her with the tray table and put the modified water bottle on it. The Doctor couldn’t reach it but Yaz was pleased to see that when she realised that she couldn’t, she managed to knock it into place with her wrist rather than getting upset or asking for help.

Ryan sat next to the Doctor to feed her. Thankfully it was a less embarrassing process for everyone involved now that she had regained better control over her mouth and had stopped dribbling almost continuously and losing food out of the side of her mouth like she had when she was first injured.

The Doctor managed to stay awake for long enough to eat her dinner but almost as soon as she had eaten her head began to droop and her eyes began to close of their own accord.

“I think I’ve slept more in this regeneration than I have in all my past regenerations put together” she grumbled as Yaz dressed her in her pyjamas.

“I’m not surprised. You're getting old.” Yaz teased her.

“Hey!” the Doctor complained indignantly, weakly elbowing Yaz with her arm. Yaz elbowed her back and the Doctor managed to catch her and pull her in close for a kiss.

Back downstairs Yaz collapsed onto the sofa. She could have cried with relief when she saw that the two men had done the dishes, tidied the kitchen and wiped down the Doctor’s wheelchair leaving it ready for the morning.

“Thanks guys” she said quietly, closing her eyes in exhaustion.

“Are you alright love?” asked Graham, pressing a steaming mug of tea into her hands.

“I’m fine Graham. Thanks.” She sipped the tea. Perfect.

Graham and Ryan sat down opposite her on the sofa.

“Ryan, I know you’re coming at lunchtime tomorrow when I have my meeting with Jennifer but I was wondering if there was any way you could come an hour earlier?”

“Yeah no bother. Got a hot date?”

Yaz raised her eyebrows in a _Seriously?_ kind of manner. “No. I have a doctors appointment.” She admitted.

Ryan looked at her surprised. “That’s really brave of you Yaz, well done.”

Yaz shrugged it off.

“Do you want me to drive you Yaz?” Graham offered.

Yaz thought about it. She was a grown woman, she could make and go to her own doctor appointments all by herself. But at the same time, she was really nervous. She vividly remembered her mum forcing her to go when she was sixteen. The doctor at the time had dismissed her as a stroppy teenager. Two weeks later she had tried to kill herself.

“Actually Graham, that would be really great of you.”

He smiled at her warmly. “It’s what Grandads are for Yaz.”

“Does the Doctor know where you’re going?” asked Ryan.

“No. I wasn’t sure how to tell her.”

“You can't keep this from her Yaz.” warned Graham. “It’s not fair on you or her. She puts an enormous amount of trust in you every day, especially now, it would be a poor show if you couldn’t show her a little in return.”

“It’s not that I don’t trust her. She has enough to worry about without worrying about me.”

“She always worries about you Yaz. And she knows somethings not right and you won't talk to her about it. You’re supposed to be in a relationship. What does it say about it if you can't tell her about this? It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I’m not ashamed. But she already feels guilty. I don’t want her to think that my apparent lack of ability to cope with the normal ups and downs of everyday life is her fault.”

Ryan burst out laughing. “The normal ups and downs? Seriously Yaz? The Doctor doesn’t do normal! She wouldn’t know what it was if it hit her over the head.”

Yaz looked at him crossly.

“I think what Ryan’s trying to say Yaz is that this isn’t normal. Your girlfriend went from making an incredible recovery one minute where she had regained her independence and was learning to cope with her own mental health issues to being unable to speak or move the next. All of a sudden, she was desperately sick, you had no back up and now she’s completely dependent on you. If there was a glass of water right in front of her and she was dying of thirst she couldn’t pick it up and that’s the harsh reality we’re all, but especially you, are living right now. Admitting you need help doesn’t mean you're weak. It means you're human.”

“Thank-you for being honest Yaz. It’s not easy to ask for help.”

“You’re not benching me?” Yaz asked, her brows furrowed in confusion. She was sitting in Jennifer’s office on the sofa, Jennifer in one of the easy chairs opposite.

“Of course not! You’re dealing with your problem. If we benched every officer on the force who was prescribed anti-depressants and counselling, we would be even thinner on the ground than when the Tories make cuts. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Then why do I feel so guilty?”

“Because its normal. After Lucy was hurt, I think she had been home for less than a year but the injury would have been two and a half years before, anyway I was invited to my best friends wedding. There was no way I could bring her to a church service, she would be way too noisy, she cried and screamed a lot back then, and she wouldn’t have coped with a noisy do. Her dad was supposed to stay with her and on the morning of, after I got all dressed up and was ready to go he just didn’t show up. I rang him so many times which he ignored. And I was so cross. I hadn’t had a day off in two and a half years. My daughter was nineteen years old and should have been off in university. Instead she was mewling like a kitten in her bed because she was in pain and her nappy was soiled and I was so angry Yaz. I resented my own daughter. I resented her for getting hurt and changing all our plans, I blamed her for my marriage ending, and when I went to change her there was poo all over her bed and her and even on the walls. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I shouted at her. She cried more. I cried. I was so ashamed Yaz. I’m still so ashamed. But I also learned that it’s okay to take a break. It’s vital. And you need to accept any help that is being offered to you and if you need more, ask for it.”

“Can I ask you something personal? You don’t have to answer.”

“Remind me to teach you better interrogation techniques or you’ll never be promoted but go ahead.” Jennifer invited drily.

“How long did it take for you to get back to normal?”

“I never did Yaz. I’m sorry, I know that’s not what you want to hear but normal has been redefined for us. Lucy is in her mid-twenties, she should be off living her life and establishing her career. Instead I have to roll her twice a night to stop her getting pressure sores and can’t leave her alone for a second in case her ventilator trips. I got her school exam results the day they diagnosed her. She got eleven A*s and 3 As, the best in the school. Now she spends her day staring into space. It doesn’t mean I don’t love her, but this is never how I anticipated my life turning out.”

“Ryan says I have to tell Jane about going to the doctor today but she already feels guilty and burdensome. I don’t want her to think my failings are her fault.”

“Yaz you’re not failing. Not by a mile. And I can’t tell you what to do in your personal life but for what its worth I think Ryan is right. You can't expect her to open up to you about stuff if you can't tell her about this.”

“I’m sitting here talking to you Jennifer and all I can think about is how I should be home with her. She’s not alone obviously but she won't accept any kind of personal care from either of the boys. She might let Ryan carry her up to bed if she’s in a lot of pain and needs to change position but nothing other than that. I should be going home in case she needs something but its so nice to sit here and drink coffee and talk to someone who understands.”

“You can talk to me anytime Yaz, you know that. But the doctor gave you information about support for carers too, maybe you should look into the support groups.”

“I don’t have time. I do all my police work when she's napping, the rest of the day I’m either looking after Jane or helping her with therapies. She’s not sick as such but its going to take a lot of work to get her back on her feet if it’s even possible.”

“Yaz you have to take time for yourself, if you don’t you’re no good to Jane. Are you getting out of the house at all? Either the two of you or on your own?”

“Not really, we do hydrotherapy at the special school but Jane is really self-conscious about her new wheelchair. She hates being stared at.”

“You can't force her to go out but if she won't, leave her with a friend and you go anyway. Even if all you do is walk to your local coffee shop and read your book in peace for half an hour.”

“That’s the thing, I could force her. She would have no way of stopping me. Which is exactly why I can't ask her to do loads of stuff I know she doesn’t want to do because I know that she’ll eventually start saying yes just to make me happy. I can't betray that trust. She doesn’t trust people easily.”

“I’m not suggesting you betray the trust Yaz. Tell her you want to do something and that you would love to do it with her. Give her the choice and tell her you’ll be doing it regardless. I know it can feel like looking after a baby but she’s an adult with the intellectual capability to know what she wants and doesn’t want. She has to make her own decisions. And she’s allowed to do stuff just to make you happy, you do the same for her.”

By the time Yaz got home it was late afternoon and she was surprised to see Graham watching TV on his own and the Doctor’s empty wheelchair at the foot of the stairs.

“How was your meeting with your boss?” he asked, turning the TV off.

“Yeah fine. She’s happy with what I’ve been doing from home so we can keep going like this for another while at least. Is the Doctor still asleep?”

“Ahh… no. She woke up an hour or so ago but she's all shaky or something. Ryan’s with her.”

Yaz’s heart sank. Could they never have two good days in a row?

Yaz could hear the Doctor before she saw her, a low moan coming from the bedroom. She looked in, the Doctor was lying propped up on her side and she looked miserable. ‘Shaky or something’ was an under statement compared to how her body was quivering almost violently. As soon as he saw her, Ryan moved down a bit, allowing Yaz to crouch down level with the Doctor and make eye contact.

“Hi love, what’s going on?”

The Doctor had gritted her teeth in frustration. “Don’t know. Just woke up like this. It really hurts Yaz.”

“Your body’s probably angry about all the work you made it do yesterday.” Yaz reasoned. “Massage, stretch and a change of position to your chair?”

The Doctor nodded and allowed Yaz to roll her flat onto her back and start working her traitorous body.

Ryan excused himself, reminding them he was downstairs if they needed anything.

“I need to talk you about something.” Yaz admitted when she had finished.

“Okay… sounds serious?”

“It… I… Can I sit you up? I can't have this conversation when you’re flat on your back like that.”

“Go for it. But I'm going to admit that you're scaring me a bit here Yaz.”

Yaz hoisted her into a sitting position, securing her either side with a bank of pillows.

“I lied to you this morning. I did go to work but I also went to see my doctor.”

“Right…” the Doctors hearts clenched. Was she sick?

“I think… I mean… I think you’ve noticed it too… I’ve been…” Yaz stuttered, struggling to find the right words to say what she meant while the Doctor waited patiently.

“I’ve been a bit down lately. And Graham made me go and talk to my doctor about it. He put me on anti-depressants and on the waiting list for counselling.” Yaz admitted in a rush, ashamed to find she was crying.

The Doctor watched Yaz wrestle with herself for a moment. “Come here love” she commanded gently.

Yaz shook her head and fiddled with the button on her blouse, threatening to tear it off.

“Yaz I can't come to you and you really need a hug. Please come here.”

Yaz slowly kicked off her shoes and climbed into bed beside the Doctor who had succeeded in her efforts to move one arm out for Yaz to rest her head on.

“I’m so proud of you Yaz. I think you’ve needed to do this for a while. I’m here to support you whatever you need.”

Yaz sniffed and buried her head into the Doctor’s bony shoulder, enjoying the sensation of the Doctor stroking her lower back a little. The Doctor moved her head so she could kiss Yaz’s forehead.

“I love you Yaz.” she whispered into her ear.


	58. Chapter 58

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for your patience. Wanted to get this up a few days ago but had a family emergency. Hope you enjoy!

“DOCTOR! YAZ!” Ryan shouted, bursting through the front door and taking the stairs two at a time before barrelling into the bedroom, not stopping to consider that given that it was the middle of the day there was a strong possibility that the Doctor was in the middle of her afternoon nap.

“Ryan!!!” yelled Yaz.

The Doctor was not asleep. Nor was Yaz. Not by a long shot. But they were in bed. Together. Fully clothed but definitely in the middle of something. Something that he had interrupted.

“Oh my God! I am so sorry.” He could feel heat rising in his cheeks as the two women sprang apart. Well, Yaz did anyway, and ducked when she threw two pillows at him in rapid succession.

“Hey! Why two?” he complained.

“One of them’s from me.” The Doctor answered as she allowed Yaz to straighten her top for her. It wasn’t like they had been doing anything to be ashamed of. It had barely classed as a make out session, but it was the closest they had been in weeks and she was annoyed it had been interrupted.

“I’ll just go… I’ll see you downstairs. Later. Downstairs. Later when everyone is ready to be seen.” He muttered, fleeing the scene as fast as he could.

Yaz waited until he had shut the door and she could hear his heavy tread on the stairs before bursting out laughing, allowing herself to fall back onto the bed, her head on the Doctor’s stomach.

“I love him, but that boy has the worst timing imaginable.”

“Should we go see what he wanted so urgently.”

“Mmmm in a minute… he probably needs to recover…” and she was getting pretty distracted by the Doctor rubbing slow circles into her hip with her thumb.

“Come on then…” the Doctor sighed after a couple of minutes. “I don’t want to give him time to think about what we might be doing up here.”

“It would probably scar him for life” Yaz giggled, crossing the room to open the door before coming back for the Doctor. She pulled the Doctor to the edge of the bed and scooped her up, carrying her down the stairs and strapping her securely into the wheelchair. Ryan was hovering awkwardly in the doorway.

“You can come in now Ryan.” Yaz pointed out.

He shuffled in, looking at his feet. “Really sorry about that” he coughed to cover up his embarrassment and held out a sheet of paper folded in three for the Doctor to take. She was just about able to clamp it between her ring and little finger and Yaz took it off her to open it out for them both to read, putting the Doctor’s glasses on her face for her when she realised how small the print was.

_Dear Mr. Sinclair_

_I am the CEO of Accessible Engineering Technologies (AET), a small, technology-based company who seek to make solutions for people with disabilities to better access the world. We have been alerted to your recent work on prosthetics by a close personal friend who watched your presentation. At AET we are always looking to recruit new talent with a passion for what we do here. As such, AET would like to offer you a paid internship during your time at university and, upon completion of your degree to a satisfactory standard, a full-time position within our company. We believe your passion and drive would be an excellent fit for our company and we would urge you to get in touch no later than the end of the month to discuss the particulars._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Kayto Nze, CEO AET_

Yaz read the letter through twice to make sure she had it right before attacking Ryan with a massive hug.

“Ryan that’s amazing! Congratulations!” she squealed in his ear.

“Ryan I’m so proud of you!” the Doctor said warmly, her face shining with pleasure as she clumsily lifted her shaky arms to wrap around him when he hugged her tightly. “You deserve it Ryan, you put so much effort in. I'm sorry I can't wear it.”

“Hey! Don’t talk like that Doctor. You’ll use it. This is just giving me time to sort the knee joint out so you can stop tripping over it.”

“Yeah, course.” She agreed half-heartedly, a sad smile tugging at her lips.

Yaz rubbed her arm comfortingly.

“Anyway” Ryan continued, too excited to notice “Grandad is taking me out for dinner to celebrate so we’ll pick you up later yeah? Gotta go tell Sonya!” He left again in as much of a whirlwind as he had arrived leaving Yaz and the Doctor staring at him in a rather bemused way.

“I don’t think I’ve seen him that excited since he won the prize for most improved athlete in Year 5. He really deserves it though!”

“Yeah he does.” The Doctor agreed quietly, staring out the window.

“What’s up? Thought you would be thrilled?”

“I am.” She protested.

“But..?” prompted Yaz.

“Maybe you guys should go out without me.”

“What? Doctor no, we’re not going for an evening out without you, we’re a fam.”

“I don’t wanna…” she trailed off, mumbling about something that Yaz couldn’t hear.

Yaz was pretty sure she knew what the problem was but she wanted the Doctor to tell her herself. She sank down into a chair at the table and spun the Doctor’s wheelchair around so they were facing each other.

“Talk to me.” She commanded gently.

“It’s stupid.”

“No it isn’t. Tell me, please.”

“It’s a big deal, I don’t want to embarrass any of you.” She finally whispered.

“Why on earth would you embarrass us?”

“I don’t think I need to explain it Yaz, it’s pretty obvious.”

“Yeah you do because I fail to see what you’re planning to do that is going to embarrass us… unless… Oh God you're not planning to dance are you?”

“Yaz be serious.”

“I am being serious, no offence love but you're a terrible dancer.”

“Yaz come on. I have nothing to wear except pyjamas because nothing fits. I’m stuck in this ridiculous, massive wheelchair where my body is so useless you literally have to strap my arms to it and I can’t even feed myself! How can I possibly go and sit in a restaurant and have dinner?” she spluttered incredulously, furious that each word slurred more and more as she got crosser.

“And last week you were in agony and dependent on oxygen because you couldn’t tell us how to restart your heart and you couldn’t stop dribbling so, improvements.”

“God you’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel when you have to say ‘she doesn’t dribble’ when looking for something positive to say.”

“This is my life now too Doctor.”

“It shouldn’t be. This isn’t fair on you Yaz. You should be able to go on a night out with your friends rather than worrying about whether or not the place is accessible or feeding me or if I’ll have a seizure.” She rubbed her head against the headrest in frustration, unable to throw her hands around or pace like she normally would.

“I’m your girlfriend. It comes with free worrying privileges.”

“Yeah the normal kind, like who's going to do the dishes or… if the stock market will collapse.”

Yaz couldn’t help but laugh. “What the hell do I know about the stock market? And when would being with you ever have normal worries? More likely I’d be worrying that an alien was going to break into my home or if my trainers were standing up to all the running.”

“Please don’t laugh at me.”

“I'm sorry, I'm not really. I know life with you right now isn’t normal but it never was. This is just a different abnormal. But I would still rather have you in my life like this than not at all. I’ve lived without you before Doctor, I don’t want to do it again.”

“I don’t know how you can say that.”

“Because I love you. I don’t want to be without you. It’s that simple.”

“I’m a wreck Yaz, look at the state of me.”

It was true, she was so thin she was basically emaciated even though she was eating three meals a day plus snacks and drinking the disgusting nutritional milkshakes. Even when her first body had started to get old and frail and she’d had to walk with a stick or rely on Susan for support she hadn’t been this thin. Every item of clothing she owned, which admittedly wasn’t all that many, was hanging off of her, further distorted by all the ridiculous straps on the wheelchair because her body had decided to be betray her entirely and wouldn’t even sit anymore. Her skin was grey which only made the redness of her scars stand out even more. Her hair was lank and greasy even when Yaz had just washed it and her eyes were constantly red rimmed and wet because she seemed to have lost control over her tear ducts when she lost control of the rest of her body.

“Will you come sit with me on the sofa?”

“Why? What difference does it make?”

Yaz sighed. “Because you look like you need a hug. Because I certainly need a hug. Because I love you.”

The Doctor nodded in acquiescence and allowed Yaz to unstrap her from the wheelchair, lift her onto the sofa and arrange her limbs into a vaguely comfortable position, making sure she was well supported before settling in beside her. The Doctor managed to lift her arm half way up and Yaz ducked underneath it, curling into her side and pulling her in close too, enjoying the pleasant weight of the Doctor’s head resting against her own.

“Sorry to be such a downer.”

“You're not Pollyanna Doctor, you’re allowed to be angry or sad or depressed or tired or frightened or anything else that you feel. She might have hidden it under the sickly smiles, but that girl had serious mental health issues.”

“You’re allowed to do stuff without me Yaz. We don’t have to be attached at the hip 24/7.”

“I know I am. But not right now yeah? I would only spend all night worrying if you were having another seizure or if you needed something and there was no one her to help you.”

The Doctor huffed in annoyance but couldn’t really argue. She had already had two seizures in the past week.

“You know I won't force you to go out if you feel that strongly against it.”

“You could. I have no way of stopping you.”

“I would never do that to you, and you know it. Not over something as trivial as a restaurant. If it was life or death, then maybe but where we have dinner is not.”

“Could be in the right circumstances.”

“You expecting an alien invasion or something?”

“No.”

“Then I think we’ll be fine. We can invite them over here for a takeaway instead if you like?”

The Doctor considered for a moment. “No… it’s fine. I’ll go. It’s not about me, it’s about Ryan. He deserves an evening out and he asked us to come.”

Yaz kissed her. “I’m proud of you, you know that?”

The Doctor scoffed.

“I am.” Yaz insisted. “Because I know you won't admit it but I know you’re scared but you’ll do it anyway.”

“Do what?”

Yaz shrugged. “Take your pick. Go out to dinner. Exist. Survive. Keep trying.”

An hour later, Yaz and the Doctor were back in the living room waiting to be picked up. The Doctor was dressed in a pair of her own wide legged trousers which Yaz had pinned at the waist and in the space where her leg should have been for her along with her compression shirt and a navy button down with a small white pattern on which didn’t quite drown her. Yaz had fixed her scarf for her, she hadn’t worn it other than to the pool for ages and it had hung in it’s customary spot on the bedpost like it had been abandoned.

Thankfully Ryan’s car appeared before the Doctor had a chance to get any more worked up and he and Yaz were able to get her in and out of the car much more smoothly than the last time though it was far from a practiced movement.

“Sonya’s going to meet us there” Ryan announced when they were all buckled in safely and he was pulling out of Yaz’s street.

The Doctor closed her eyes. Of course bloody Sonya would be going, sitting there all judgemental, watching her be fed like a baby.

“I thought she worked tonight?” asked Yaz.

“Uhhh… she did”

“Ryan what aren’t you telling me?”

“She got fired last week, don’t think she's told your parents yet either if it’s any consolation…”

“Dad’s gonna go spare.”

“Probably why she hasn’t mentioned it.”

“She was only in Burger King and they’re so crap I’m amazed anyone can be fired from there.”

“Burger King’s great Yaz!”

“You will literally eat anything Ryan. You willingly ate the Doctor’s cooking and said it was nice.”

“Hey!” the Doctor protested “How did this go from a discussion where we dissed Sonya’s ability to hold down a job to judging my cooking skills.”

“Do I or do I not need to remind you about the Christmas porridge?”

“At least I tried though Yaz.”

“I haven’t touched cinnamon since!”

“Well I’m not stopping you.”

“It’s your fault!”

“God you two sound like an old married couple” Ryan interjected, pulling into a parking space and getting the Doctor’s wheelchair from the boot so he and Yaz could transfer her into it.

The restaurant was dark and noisy but they were shown to a table that was a little more out of the way, the host hurrying in front of them to remove one of the chairs from the table. Yaz parked the Doctor’s chair in the spot, fastening her tray to it so she could drink on her own and glaring at the host who was about to leave without giving the Doctor her own menu.

Sonya arrived a few minutes later, kissed Ryan, hugged Yaz and ignored Graham and the Doctor as she slipped into a seat opposite Ryan, clearly unimpressed that Ryan was sitting next to the Doctor and not her though he didn’t seem to have realised.

Yaz put the menu on the Doctor’s tray, putting her glasses on for her and flipping the pages at the same time she flipped her own, the Doctor read faster than she did anyway.

The waitress appeared a few minutes later and took their orders and Yaz was relieved when she asked the Doctor what she wanted rather than assuming that someone else would speak for her. Unfortunately she did have to ask her to repeat herself four times before she understood, her speech deteriorated when she was tired.

When they had all ordered, Yaz excused herself to use the loo before dinner arrived, surprised that Sonya followed her.

“What’s with your girlfriend this time?”

“She has a name. And she’s self-conscious enough without you staring at her for that matter. It was hard to persuade her to leave the house.”

“She doesn’t have a name, she has a title. And that doesn’t answer my question.”

“We don’t know what’s happened exactly. She hasn’t recovered from the seizure she had in the park a few weeks ago, she was really sick, I thought she was going to die. When she woke up she couldn’t speak or move at all but she can talk now and she's starting to use her hands and arms a little. You know that.”

To her annoyance, Yaz found that she was getting emotional and then to her intense surprise, Sonya had wrapped her arms around her tightly.

“You should have told us Yaz. This most have been so hard for you. I knew she was sick, I had no idea it was so bad.”

Yaz found herself crying onto her sisters shoulder. It felt good to let out some of the tension she hadn’t realised she was carrying.

“Have you had to take more time off work? Are you okay financially?”

“No I haven’t, I’ve adjusted my hours and do some from home. Ryan stays with her when I work but I have to come home to do personal stuff for her at lunch. And I can work when she naps, she needs a lot of sleep at the moment because her brain is putting so much effort into trying to heal itself. But yeah, we’re okay for money. Thanks.”

“Look you know I'm not her biggest fan but you're still my sister, if you guys need anything let me know.”

Yaz hugged her tightly. “It’s very sweet of you Son, but you freaked when you had to hold her water bottle.”

“I know. And I'm sorry. Ryan talked to me that night. It’s just… you’ve changed so much since you’ve known her Yaz. She's a weird, older woman with no name and you were pretty vulnerable when you guys met.”

“She’s the best person I’ve ever met. I love her Sonya, she’s not going anywhere. You should come round for dinner one night and actually make an effort to get to know her.”

“Yeah I will… we should get back or they’ll think we went through to the Ministry of Magic.”

Yaz giggled and splashed her face in a vain attempt to make her face less puffy and followed Sonya back out to the rest of the fam. She kissed the Doctor lightly on the cheek before she sat down and noticed that someone, probably Ryan, had already transferred the lemonade she had ordered into her bottle and she was laughing at Graham’s story about one of his old passengers. It was really good to hear her laugh.

The food arrived quickly and the pleasant atmosphere continued. The Doctor was impressively relaxed by her standards although she mostly allowed the conversation to flow around her rather than joining in. Yaz suspected she was having trouble following it with all the background noise that was going on.

“So, Ryan’s not the only one with a new job” Sonya announced shyly as they ate desserts with a sinful amount of chocolate in them.

“That was fast”

“Where is it?”

“That fancy new restaurant in town. I’m going to be waitressing but there’s opportunities to move up to shift supervisor and stuff. The guy who owns it is big into promoting a family life among the staff and I can fit it around college if I go back next year.”

“You’re going back to school?” Ryan asked, it was obviously a surprise to him as much as it was to Yaz.

“I don’t know, maybe. I really liked the design stuff I did this year, I could go back and do a foundation year, maybe even go on to my degree like Ryan the year after. I haven’t decided yet, it’s just a thought.”

“Mum and dad would be so happy if one of us went to uni.”

“I know, why I won't tell them until I’ve decided for certain.”

They finished their desserts and Graham proposed a toast to Ryan, wishing him luck/

When they had finished eating, Ryan and Sonya decided to head out. Ryan helped Yaz manage the more difficult transfer into the car before he left and Graham drove his car home. Parked outside their front door, Yaz, with a little assistance from Graham, was able to lift the Doctor out of the car safely and into her chair and Graham waved as he reversed out of the driveway.

“Thanks for persuading me to go out tonight” the Doctor said as she and Yaz crashed in front of the TV.

“I’m glad you came, it wouldn’t have been the same without you.”

“I actually had fun. And I have no idea what that dessert was but it was amazing.”

“I noticed! You ended up with half of it across your face because you couldn’t sit still!”

“It was chocolate Yaz. And way too much sugar.”

“Definitely too much sugar. We might have to sleep here tonight, think I’m in a bit of a sugar coma. Not sure I can manage the stairs right now.”

Yaz wriggled so she could lean her head on the arm rest of the Doctor’s wheelchair and the Doctor immediately put her arm around Yaz’s shoulders, stroking it lightly.

“Mmmm love it when you do that” she sighed.

“I don’t deserve you Yaz.”

“Well I am a catch.” Yaz teased but then became serious. “Seriously though, don’t want anyone else.”

“I know.” She leaned down carefully to kiss her, proud when her body didn’t flop entirely.

Two weeks later, the Doctor was lying on her stomach on a yoga mat on the living room floor, a bolster cushion under her chest to stretch out her back and hips. She had her elbows tucked underneath her and was attempting to hold up her weight and engage her still uncooperative trunk muscles. Yaz was sitting cross legged in front of her head, ready to catch her if she lost control over her head and neck. The last thing she needed was another bang to the head. 

They were interrupted by the unexpected ringing of the doorbell. Typically, the Doctor startled and lost the form she had just about been managing to hold onto. Yaz easily caught her head before it hit the ground.

“You okay for a minute while I go answer that?”

“Yeah go ahead, just don’t run off with whoever it is.” The Doctor replied, waving her arm at the door vaguely though in a more controlled manner than she had been managing recently.

“It’s probably the postman, have you seen him, he’s like 100 or something.” she pointed out, pulling the bolster cushion out from under the Doctor. She wasn’t particularly safe like that while unattended. Yaz laid her flat on her stomach, arranging her arms in a neutral manner by her side for her before jumping up.

“I'm way older than that…”

“True, but you don’t look it, he does. And he smells weird. You don’t smell old. Also, you behave like a five year old half the time.”

“Do not” she muttered mutinously, proving Yaz’s point entirely.

Yaz was surprised to find it was Sonya and she stood back to let her sister in.

“Has the world ended or something? Don’t think you’ve ever visited me voluntarily.” Yaz pointed out, giving her sister a brief hug and leading her into the living room.

Sonya looked a little flustered to see the Doctor in a supine position on the floor and Yaz sent her into the kitchen to make tea as she stood there staring awkwardly.

“You wanna keep working while I talk to her or take a break till she’s gone?” Yaz asked the Doctor quietly.

“Lets take a break, must be important if she’s here voluntarily.” She also really didn’t want Sonya to watch as she lay flopped over the floor while Yaz did most of the hard work though it seemed like a few more muscles were waking up again even if the improvements were slight and not really enough to be functional yet.

“Sofa or wheelchair?” Yaz offered.

“Sofa, gives her less to stare at.”

Yaz hid her snort lest Sonya heard it and rolled the Doctor onto her back, pulled her into a sitting position and scooped her up and onto the sofa. Over the last few days she had started to sit on the sofa using just the arm and back rest for support without the need for extra cushions to secure her into place so there was significantly less to stare at. Yaz left her where she was and went to help Sonya carry the tea. She was impressed that Sonya hadn’t needed to be told to put the Doctor’s in the travel mug with a lid and Yaz adorned with a straw, carrying the Doctors and her own while Sonya followed with her own tea and a plate of biscuits and sat on the other sofa.

Without needing to ask if she wanted one, Yaz handed the Doctor a custard cream, giving her a moment to make sure she actually had hold of it before letting go. Feeding herself finger food was another new development, only figured out the day before when Yaz had been halfway through feeding her a biscuit when they had been interrupted by an urgent call from Jennifer and the Doctor, true to form, had been too impatient to wait the five minutes while Yaz talked to her. She couldn’t manage cutlery as her grip was too weak but the chunky custard cream was easier to hold and she could eat it in one bite. Yaz did need to hold the cup for her though, it was too heavy for her to manage.

“So what’s with the sudden social visit Son? You’re not dying are you?” asked Yaz, still shocked that her sister was voluntarily sitting in a room with the Doctor though she was more relaxed now the Doctor was propped on the sofa in a perfectly socially acceptable position.

“No don’t be silly. Came to tell you about something I came across at work and I though you guys might like it but...” she trailed off, sounding embarrassed.

“Go on?” Yaz encouraged, intrigued.

“Well we had this guy come in the other night and he was in this massive wheelchair, even bigger than yours.” She blushed as though she was saying something wrong “But when he was eating he was feeding himself. He brought his own cutlery and he was sort of able to hold it but whoever he was with strapped them to his hands and I asked him about it.” She said it all very fast and very quietly as though something bad was going to happen.

“And what did he say.”

“Oh right, well his friend texted me a weblink and I bought you some. I don’t know if they’re any good to you or not but if you don’t like them or if this is too weird or you can't use them, I can send them back.”

Yaz felt slightly baffled and was vaguely wondering if she should get the Doctor to scan her sister with the sonic screwdriver in case there was some sort of alien in her brain or body double thing happening. Thankfully the Doctor was slightly more with it and she had somehow managed to sit a little straighter and was watching interestedly as Sonya pulled the packet from her bag.

“Can you show me how they work?” the Doctor asked.

Sonya looked flustered again as she pulled them out of the packet and crossed over to the other side of the room, crouching down and showing Yaz and the Doctor how the cutlery had a thick, moulded handle for easy gripping and a wide Velcro strap to secure it to her hand. She most likely wouldn’t manage a knife or to stab something with a fork but she could probably scoop with a spoon. Maybe not soup as her hands were shaky even when they were cooperating but something less spillable perhaps.

“Sonya these are amazing. Thank-you.” The Doctor said genuinely, she knew Najia thought of her often but for Sonya to do it… she was actually feeling emotional.

“Oh, it was nothing. Anyway, better go to work, thanks for the biscuits, see you later yeah?”

Yaz got up to show her out, leaving the Doctor with another biscuit and her new toy to play with.

“Thanks Son, that was really nice of you.” She said, hugging her sister.

Sonya shrugged it off. “It was no big deal.”

“Yes, it was” Yaz insisted. “Of everything I do to help her out at the moment the thing she hates probably the most is being fed. If she can have even a little of her independence back it makes a massive difference to us both. So, thank you.”

Yaz groaned when she was woken far too early by her phone ringing. She was supposed to be having a rare day off and she and the Doctor had big plans which involved staying in bed as long as possible, doing nothing for the rest of the morning and then another session in the pool that afternoon. However as soon as she saw it was Maisie’s foster carer, a woman named Carol, she leaped out of bed like someone was chasing her, ready to go in case Maisie was in danger. She ignored the Doctor who was laughing at her attempt to put socks on while standing up and talking on the phone at the same time before relaxing and falling back onto the bed.

“What’s up?” the Doctor asked when Yaz hung up.

“Maisie’s foster mum, she has an emergency dental appointment and Maisie has her first class assembly today. She's been picked to do a reading in it and she’s ridiculously excited apparently but now Carole can't make it and she was wondering if you would go in her place?”

“Did you say we would?”

“Yeah, hope that’s okay?”

The Doctor closed her eyes. It was okay. But it wasn’t too.

Yaz touched her shoulder.

“I can call her back and tell her I made a mistake and you have an appointment or something. Maisie doesn’t know, she's already at school.”

“No.. I… no it’s okay we can go.”

“You sure?”

She wasn’t really. Lots of people to stare at her. They had no idea if the school was accessible or not. What if she ended up embarrassing Maisie?

“Yeah. Maisie should have someone there to support her.”

Lamenting her loss of a well deserved lie in, Yaz dragged herself off the bed and into the bathroom to get ready for the day before returning and helping the Doctor do the same.

When they made it downstairs Yaz made two bowls of porridge, poured two glasses of juice and carried them into the table where she had left the Doctor. With the spoon that Sonya had brought the evening before strapped securely to her hand the Doctor was able to feed herself properly for the first time in weeks as well as help herself to her drink. It was such a little thing, but it felt like such a huge achievement for both of them.

Yaz insisted on leaving early for the school. She hadn’t taken the Doctor out in the car on her own yet though Ryan had left them the harness. She was able to get her into the front seat more easily than she thought she would and she reclined it slightly to make it less likely that the Doctor would flop forwards. When they arrived the school the gates were locked and they were forced to park in a small car park adjacent to the school. Unfortunately it had no accessible parking spaces and Yaz ended up having to stop in the middle of it, get the Doctor out of the car, abandon her on the pavement, park, and then go and join her. They followed the trickle of parents across the long drive made up of uneven paving stones and Yaz had to stop half way to secure the Doctor’s hands and foot to make her more comfortable.

They were left milling around outside for ages, unable to fit into the small porch. Yaz moved them away from the excited parents a little, parking the Doctor’s chair facing away from most of the crowd and perching herself on the end of a picnic table.

“You okay?”

“Lot of people here.”

“Yeah it’s the whole year group, so probably sixty kids and if each kid has brought two parents… and I see a lot of grandparents here too.”

“Yeah that’s a lot of people.”

“Did you go to school?” Yaz asked suddenly.

The Doctor laughed. “Of course I did. Sort of anyway, its called the Academy and you have to graduate to become a Time Lord. We were taken away from our families when we were eight and had to study for centuries.”

“So not everyone from Gallifrey is a Time Lord?”

“No, the indigenous race are called the Shebogans. Only some are selected to go to the Academy.”

“Let me guess, you were the know it all at the top of the class?”

“Uhhh no. Not really. Always in trouble me, never did my homework. Asked too many annoying questions. Failed a couple of classes.”

“Why does that not surprise me? What did you fail?”

“Not sure you wanna know this but never actually got my pilots licence for the TARDIS…”

“What! Doctor? Seriously?”

“Yeah I know. Think I’m pretty good at it though!”

“You’re a terrible driver! You’re lucky it’s not a car licence we’re talking about here or I’d be forced to arrest you.”

The Doctor was saved from coming up with a scathing retort when the crowd began to move and Yaz got up to push her, following the group of parents to the assembly hall. Yaz parked the Doctor’s chair at the end of the first row, content to stand beside her though the woman who had been there promptly moved allowing Yaz to sit down too.

When the parents were seated, the lights were dimmed and the ones on the stage lit and all the children trooped in silently, filing neatly onto wooden benches Yaz remembered from her own primary school days. Maisie was in the middle of the second row, looking absolutely tiny compared to most of her peers though she was incredibly smart in her grey pinafore and cardigan, crisp white shirt, green tie, black tights and shiny black shoes. She had a very serious expression on her face.

Yaz lightly took hold of the Doctor’s hand as the first child began to speak. They were talking about their learning from the term. Maisie was halfway through, in the part of the programme about geography. She had to read out two facts about Australia and then give the cue for the whole group to start singing a song about the continents. Her little voice was so quiet that they could barely hear it in the front row but considering how not so long ago she was too frightened to come out from under a bed, it was wonderful to see.

When the performance was over half an hour later the audience burst into applause and Yaz quickly unstrapped the Doctor’s hands so she could join in. The children were given a few minutes to see their families and Maisie came running towards them, her plaits flying out behind her.

“JAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEE” she squealed breathlessly, skidding to a halt in front of the Doctor. “Can I hug you this time?”

The Doctor smiled at her and held out her wobbly arms and Maisie launched herself into them with enthusiasm. She hadn’t even noticed the Doctor’s wheelchair she was so excited to see them and Yaz lifted her up so she could sit in the Doctor’s lap.

“You were amazing at your lines Maisie, I was really proud of you.”

Maisie frowned at her. “You sound funny, but I don’t care cause you’re talking to me again!” she sang happily.

Yaz winced slightly at Maisie’s frankness but the Doctor didn’t seem remotely offended and was listening to her chatter nineteen to the dozen as she leaned contentedly against the Doctor’s chest, ignoring the blatant staring from the other children and their parents. It was a peaceful moment and Yaz slipped out her phone to take a photo, knowing it was one she would want to treasure. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The continents song is my classes favourite song. They would sing it twenty times a day if I would let them and it's slowly driving me insane!  
> https://youtu.be/K6DSMZ8b3LE


	59. Chapter 59

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I know, it should have been Obtuse this time but I couldn't get this chapter out of my head though it's way more hurt/comfort than I intended it to be.
> 
> Brief description of torture, if it's something you want to don't want to read just skip the paragraph after Ryan says “I feel like I’m missing something here.” You won't be missing anything too important.
> 
> Also, is anyone else finding e-mail notifications are taking hours/days or not arriving at all at the moment?

Six weeks later, about nine weeks since the Doctor had had the seizure in the park, Yaz was in the house alone. It was so long since she’d had the house to herself it felt eerie and empty around her. Even before their current crisis the Doctor had been incredibly reclusive, rarely leaving the house at all and Yaz could count on one hand the number of times she had gone somewhere without her. And of those times, Yaz had always been at work and had dropped her off with Ryan or Graham on the way past. It was weird and she didn’t like it.

She was also worried, she couldn’t help it. She had barely left the Doctor’s side for more than two months, cared for her through every terrifying seizure, held her hand while she was desperately sick and deeply unconscious, restarted her heart and even said her goodbyes. Sure, she went to work, but then she always knew the Doctor was safe at home. She tried to reassure herself that Ryan had been looking after her a couple of days a week on his own for months and helped plenty on top of that. She hated to think of the Doctor needing looking after, but there was no getting away from the fact that she did. She was making small improvements, but they were hard won and no where near enough for her to reclaim her independence yet.

It was taking an exhaustive mental toll on all of them. The Doctor herself was holding up pretty well, she hadn’t returned to the days of dark depression she had been in when she had first been hurt but her regular nightmares continued and she often cried in frustration when she couldn’t do something or couldn’t make herself understood. At her insistence, Yaz had finally filled the prescription for anti-depressants she had been given and the Doctor had supervised as she took them every morning. She had forgotten how awful they made her feel for the first few weeks: tired, numb, detached. No crazy lows but no good days either. It was awful but the Doctor had forced her to persevere. Now she was mostly over that part now as her body had become more used to the drug and she was starting to feel more ‘normal’ again.

Actually, now she thought about it, she really didn’t feel that great right now. She was sweating though absolutely freezing, her body ached all over and she was nauseous. She really needed a lie down. Yaz got up from where she was sitting on a bar stool at the kitchen counter, holding onto the counter for support when she felt a wave of dizziness wash over her and she stumbled into the living room, making it to the sofa before her knees buckled underneath her.

After a few tries, the Doctor managed to undo her own seatbelt. Her hands were curled into soft fists from lack of use as her muscles contracted, despite the fact that Yaz made her splint them both every night, but she was able to press it with her knuckles. Ryan appeared next to her with the wheelchair, now nicknamed the Beast. He put one hand on her left shoulder to stabilise her and used his other to simultaneously swivel her around and lift her legs out of the car. She could then wrap her arms around his neck while he lifted her at the waist and pivoted her into the waiting chair, making sure to stabilise her foot with his own and not moving away until she was securely strapped in. It was a lot for him to coordinate with his dyspraxia and he had made Yaz be his practice person at least two dozen times (she was a lot less fragile and wasn’t likely to fall to the floor if he dropped her) before he practiced on the Doctor and even then he still insisted Yaz was close by. The Doctor was honestly surprised he hadn’t made her wear a helmet. It was ridiculous how much of a protective older brother he had turned into. What was weirder still was how much she liked it. It had been a long time since someone had looked out for her in that way without seeking something in return.

Ryan fastened her lap belt and the one around her foot. She no longer had to use the ones on her arms which was a huge relief, they had been horribly restricting, though she often chose to rest her arms on the arm rests regardless. They were supportive and comfortable and helped her sit up straight. Even better was that the five point harness that was normally seen in babies car seats was gone and had been replaced by a simple, single, Velcro strap that she didn’t even need to wear all the time, usually just when they were out. Even though she couldn’t propel the chair herself, it was way less restrictive. She had tried her own wheelchair again just yesterday, she couldn’t believe she actually missed it, and had managed to sit in it without falling over immediately which was a significant improvement on the last time she had tried it. However, she didn’t have the stability in her core to hold herself upright and propel the wheels forward, or the dexterity to hold the wheels anyway. They had rented yet another wheelchair which had arrived a few days ago. It was somewhere between the Beast and her own chair with a high backrest, straps at the chest, lap and feet, arm rests and push handles but no head rest and she could, in theory, propel it herself. If she could make her hands cooperate. The Beast was still better for when she was out but she was learning to use the middle chair in the safety of home and hopefully regain a modicum of her independence.

None of them had any way to predict if she would get back on her feet – foot – again but she was determined that at the very least she would be able to use her own wheelchair and get herself in and out of it without having to be lifted or transferred.

“You ready Doctor?” Ryan asked, crouched from strapping in her foot.

She nodded with a small smile, trying to quell the familiar rising feeling of panic that she always felt when someone made her leave the house.

Ryan could see she on the verge of panicking, Damn, why now? Yaz was much better at dealing with this than he was. They hadn’t been out just the two of them for months. If she had a full blown panic attack now he had no idea what to do, especially as it would most likely trigger a seizure. He had seen Yaz deal with dozens, but she and the Doctor had a very special relationship. He wanted to hug her and tell her everything was fine, but she was so funny about being touched at the moment. Some days she was fine with a hug, others she could just about tolerate him helping her with a transfer, and some days she couldn’t even manage that. Those were bad days and inevitably meant she spent the day in bed with a weighted blanket, the room dark and her body most likely twitching all over the place to add insult to injury while her battered nervous system tried to heal itself. Thankfully they were becoming less frequent.

He took her hand cautiously and when she didn’t protest he took the other one as well and squeezed tightly.

“Doctor, look at me” he said firmly, waiting until she complied. “We’re just going in for a look around. It’s a Saturday so there won't be many people there. You don’t have to talk to anyone if you don’t want to. We’re just going for a look around, like you wanted to do, remember?”

She nodded, her eyes shut.

“Just take a minute, concentrate on listening to me okay. You’re safe. I’m right here with you and I won’t leave you on your own at any point. We’re only going to look around and see where I’ll be working. We can leave at any point if you want to.”

Ryan wasn’t sure what he had done but she seemed to be relaxing and calming herself down again.

“Sorry, ready now.”

“You don’t need to apologise Doctor. It’s fine.” He reassured her, standing up and moving behind the wheelchair to push it, proudly fishing out his new ID as he did so. He didn’t officially start until the end of August but he was coming in a few days between now and then for orientation, to meet people and get an idea of some of the projects that were going on.

The building was fully accessible, many of its employees had a variety of disabilities, and when Ryan held his pass up to the door it opened automatically. He tapped it against a card reader at the front desk and signed the Doctor in as well, sticking a pass sticker to the front of her jumper for her.

Ryan pushed her down a long, wide corridor and turned off into what essentially looked like a computer lab.

“They’re working on speech software. The technology already exists for people who can’t speak but they all sound like robots, this technology will take scans of a persons vocal cords and voice samples of close relatives who are the same age to synthesis what a persons voice might sound like and it can be taught to say any word. We can customise it to use PECs symbols, pictures, keyboard, whatever will work for a person!”

Ryan’s voice was excited as he lifted a prototype model and showed the Doctor how she could make it work just by looking at it.

“That’s really amazing Ryan! It was unbelievably frustrating not being able to talk to you guys for those few days, especially because I couldn’t tell you how to restart my heart.”

“I can assure you that it was frustrating for us too. Especially for Yaz. She was so worried about you Doctor, she was terrified you weren’t answering because you had more brain damage.”

“Well she was right, I do.”

“She doesn’t care about the physical stuff Doctor; you know she doesn’t. Obviously, she wants your body to recover but if it doesn’t it won't change how she feels about you, she's just relieved you didn’t die. She was worried about your mind, what makes you, you. “

“I have nothing to offer her like this.”

“You should really be talking to Yaz about this Doctor. But she really doesn’t want anything from you. I know you don’t want to hear it but we’re all proud of you for working so hard. This has been really hard on you.”

The Doctor shrugged away his comments. He was right, she didn’t want to hear it. She hadn’t done anything to be proud of. Arguably her fam, Yaz especially, would have a much better quality of life if she had just died. Its not that she wished she was dead, not really, not anymore, but living like this was so hard. She had never relied on anyone for anything before. Not like this. Now she wouldn’t even be able to kill herself even if she wanted to unless she starved herself. And one of them would probably find a way to force feed her anyway, not like she could stop them.

“Let’s move on Ryan.” she said, putting a fake smile on her face.

Ryan took hold of the handles of her chair and pushed her back into the corridor and he took her to another lab that was the closest thing she had seen to future technology in years. Here they were designing prosthetic hands that could interact with the remaining strands of nerves and muscles in a persons residual limb to make the fingers and wrist move. It was very impressive.

“There’s one more thing I want to show you if you’re up for it?”

“Yeah go for it.”

He once again took her back out into the corridor and navigated easily through a maze of seemingly endless, trendym grey corridors. Some of the rooms they passed were occupied, others empty, until they finally arrived at the last room.

“This is where I’ll be doing the first part of my internship. Dr Sachs is here, he can give you a demonstration if you like.”

“Of what?”

“Come in and find out.”

“I… Ryan…” she spluttered but he was already pushing her in. The room itself was way less remarkable than any of the others. Almost more of an office. It was occupied by a man who looked like he should have been a basketball player, easily a foot taller than Ryan, incredibly muscular and bald with massive hands and feet he almost looked too big to be allowed.

“Hi, I’m Dr Sachs” he introduced himself, offering her a hand to shake which she didn’t take. She was too busy trying to crane her neck against the head rest of her chair to see his face. His eyes were hidden behind thick, owlish glasses and she really didn’t like that.

He didn’t seem offended by the lack of hand shake, probably assumed it wasn’t an action she could perform.

“Have you told your friend about my project?” Dr Sachs asked Ryan.

“Basically, Dr Sachs is working on peripheral nerve stimulation for patients with acquired brain injuries. His focus is on people’s hands and it’s a way to stimulate a persons hands in order to help rebuild pathways back to the brain using a mild electrical current. He hopes that in the future the technique might be of use to patients with spinal cord injuries too.”

The Doctor nodded, not trusting herself to speak. Ryan was holding the device out in front of her, showing her the wires and sticky pads and where the current came through. He kept looking at Dr Sachs who was nodding in approval and interjecting occasionally but she couldn’t hear what they were saying, her ears were filled with a loud, annoying buzzing.

They had both come closer, looming over her. Ryan was reaching out, he was going to touch her.

_Noooooo! Don’t touch me. Please, I’ll do anything, just please don’t do it again._

“Get away from me” she yelped, managing to jerk her arm away.

They both backed up instantly.

She was aware that her body was shaking and she was losing what little control she had over it. She squeezed her eyes shut tight. She banged her head on the headrest, the only part of her body she still had reasonable control over and could currently feel.

_What would Yaz tell you to do right now? Breathe. Counts of five. You can do it. In for five, hold for five, out for five. Come on, pull yourself together._

Ryan watched in shock as she rhythmically started banging her head against the head rest. It was well padded; she wouldn’t do herself any damage, but it was disturbing to watch. As far as he was aware it was a new behaviour. Yaz was so much better at dealing with these things.

He kept talking to her, keeping his voice calm like he had seen Yaz do though he didn’t tend to listen in and had no idea what she said. He vaguely wondered if he should just get her out of there but some part of him knew that just grabbing her chair and pushing her out of here without consent was a bad idea while also being horrifically disrespectful.

He wasn’t sure anything he was doing was actually helping but she seemed to be regaining control of herself. She had stopped banging her head and a minute later she opened her eye.

“Do you want to leave now Doctor?” Ryan asked quietly.

She gave a minute nod. She always went silent when she was upset or overwhelmed, and Ryan noticed that she visibly flinched when he took hold of the handles of her chair and started pushing her. He unlocked the car as they crossed the car park and opened the front passenger seat door.

She shook her head violently.

“Doctor you’re gonna have to use words to tell me what the problem is here.” Yaz always seemed to be able to read her mind in situations like this. Then again, the Doctor was an alien so maybe she could.

“Don’t… need… back…” she slurred, drooling slightly around the words. She was very difficult to understand and Ryan took a moment to process.

“You wanna sit in the back seat?” he clarified and she nodded. He closed the car door and opened the one for the back seat instead, positioning her wheelchair at the right angle to transfer her. It was a very long time since she had refused to sit next to him and he couldn’t help but feel like he had royally screwed up somehow, though he wasn’t entirely sure what he had done.

“NO!... Don’t… don’t… touch.” She burst out as he went to start the transfer.

“You don’t want me to touch you? How do you expect to get home Doctor?”

She squeezed her eyes shut again and groaned quietly, blocking him out as much as possible, allowing him to reverse the process to get her into the car – foot unstrapped, off the foot plate and foot plate out of the way, undo chest strap and lean her forward, lap belt off, scooch her forward in the seat, hold her tightly around the waist, lift and pivot, hold her stable and swivel her legs into the car, seatbelt on. He closed the door on her and dismantled her wheelchair into the boot. He hurried round to the drivers seat, vaguely wondering if he should text Yaz. He decided against it, surely the Doctor would have calmed down by the time they got home. It was a forty five minute drive back to Sheffield assuming there was no traffic. She continued to sit with her eyes squeezed shut and groan, he knew it was something she did when she was dealing her senses feeling overloaded but it wasn’t half irritating. He knew that if she was more mobile she would be rocking as well.

Half an hour later, when they were still an hour from home based on the current traffic the Doctor had regained enough control over herself to stop the godawful noise and had opened her eye. She was staring resolutely out the window, fidgeting with her hands and looking angry and upset. He tried to engage her in conversation a few times but she refused to meet his eye.

Yep, he’d definitely done something to upset her.

When they arrived back at Yaz’s he got her out of the car and into her wheelchair as efficiently as he could; she was still refusing to look at him. He took her into the house, getting in and out of the door was a bit of a chore and had to be done backwards to get over the step and took her into the living room. Yaz was sound asleep on the sofa.

“Thought napping was your thing?” he asked.

She ignored that comment. If Yaz was exhausted it was her fault. She couldn’t get control over her nightmares and kept waking them both up. Plus the anti-depressants had been wreaking havoc with her mood, she didn’t seem any less depressed but she was tired, quiet and almost like a zombie though she had seemed a little more like her old self over the last few days. But she hadn’t taken to napping during the day.

“If Yaz is sleeping there’s something wrong.” She fished in her pocket clumsily for her sonic, it took ages as her body continued to tremble infuriatingly. When she finally got it out she waved it over Yaz, squinting to read the results without the aid of her glasses.

“Well?”

“Flu. She has the flu.” That was good. Humans got the flu all the time, she would feel lousy for a few days, but she would be fine.

She needed lots of fluids, rest and to be kept warm. And maybe a bucket.

“I need you to put me in my new chair.”

“I'm not sure that’s a good idea Doctor, you’re super wobbly and kind of twitchy, I don’t want you to fall.”

“Ryan for goodness sake help me. If you don’t I will try on my own and I will end up on the floor and we both know there’s no way in hell I’m going to magically be able to pull myself across the floor and climb into the other chair. You can't just pick and choose for me, I am an adult even if my body won't cooperate!” she hissed furiously so as not to wake her sleeping girlfriend.

“You said you didn’t want me to touch you.”

“I don’t! But my desire to help Yaz is considerably stronger than my desire to not be touched by you.”

Against his better judgement Ryan helped her transfer into the medium sized wheelchair, strapped her in and put her foot on the plate and moved the bigger chair out of her way. The Doctor inched herself forward and lightly touched the back of her hand to Yaz’s warm forehead.

“That’s nice.” Yaz murmured.

“Hey, you’re awake.” Her words were less slurred now.

“Course I am.”

“You’ve got the flu according to the sonic.”

“Don’t be silly, I’m fine.”

She pushed herself into a sitting position and the world spun around her. “Whoa” she said softly.

The Doctor smirked at her a little. “Lie down again. I’ll get you something to drink.”

“Don’t be silly I can get it.” She stood up and promptly fell back onto the sofa.

“Yaz, lie down, let me get you a drink.”

The Doctor moved towards the kitchen. She didn’t have the ability to grip the hand rims so was mostly just using her knuckles to push the wheels. When she made it to the kitchen she managed to jam her hand into the fridge door to open it and reach the carton of juice in the door which she had to lift using her forearms. Next challenge was a cup – there were some on the draining rack and she managed to collect a plastic one that she wouldn’t break if she dropped it with her complete lack of grip. She used her teeth to open the bottle of juice and used a combination of both of her hands and wrists to pour it.

In the living room, Ryan sat down on the coffee table and spoke to Yaz quietly, explaining the events of the day, anxious that the Doctor wouldn’t be able to overhear him.

“You seriously thought she would be okay with that without talking to her first?” asked Yaz incredulously. “Are you out of your mind? She would need weeks of preparation to even consider something like that Ryan and even then, the answer would almost certainly be no.”

“I feel like I’m missing something here.”

Yaz’s face hardened. “When she was being tortured, one of their favourite methods of controlling her was a cattle prod to the belly. But if they were feeling particularly sadistic, they would chain her wrists to the ceiling and her ankles to opposite walls and shove the cattle prod inside her instead in front of an audience.” She explained.

Ryan looked sick. “I had no idea” he whispered. “She told me she can't feel her hands today and that with the electricity… oh man I’ve really screwed up, haven’t I?”

Yaz shrugged. He had. But he hadn’t known any of the details of what the Doctor had been through while she was in captivity. And she would forgive him, just not tonight.

“Ryan you didn’t know. I know you didn’t do it on purpose. She knows too. You just need to give her some time okay? Go home, take a break from each other. We’ll be fine tonight, come back tomorrow to have a chat with her.”

“I feel so terrible Yaz, I never would have shown her without prepping her first. I would never hurt her like that on purpose.”

“I know you wouldn’t Ryan. She does too really. She just needs to sort out her headspace.”

He grunted noncommittedly. “No offence, but you look like shit. Do you need anything before I go?”

“We’ll be fine Ryan.”

“OK. Call if you need anything. Either me or Graham, you both look like you need looking after.”

“I’m fine Ryan. I’m sure it’s more of a cold than the flu.” Her totally bunged up voice betrayed her, but Ryan left anyway.

As the front door clicked, the Doctor appeared back in the living room. She had a cup of juice wedged between her thighs and Yaz didn’t comment on her slightly damp trousers where she had spilled some. She had been gone for nearly twenty minutes, a very long time to pour a cup of juice but on the other hand, it was the most independent task she had accomplished in weeks so Yaz wasn’t going to knock it. She accepted the drink with thanks and pulled a blanket from the back of the sofa, she was freezing one minute and sweating bullets the next.

Yaz transferred the Doctor onto the sofa so they could sit next to each other, putting her drink safely on the coffee table.

“Ryan said you got a bit freaked out at the lab today.” Yaz said carefully.

“I know. He must be so mad at me.” She said miserably.

“What? Why would he be mad?”

“I embarrassed him in front of his new co-workers. I screamed at him in public. I couldn’t sit next to him in the car or even talk to him. I told him not to touch me. Take your pick.”

“He’s not mad at you Doctor, he’s worried about you but he’s not mad. He though he was doing something to help you, he had no idea it would be so triggering for you. And it’s good you told him not to touch you if you didn’t want to be touched, just because he’s your friend doesn’t mean he has any more right to touch you than anyone else if you don’t want them to and that includes me. I'm proud of you for regaining control of yourself. I know how hard it is for you to do.”

The Doctor, typically, shrugged it off. She was still upset, Yaz could tell.

“Need a hug?”

The Doctor nodded despondently and Yaz moved over, pulling her in close. Yaz wrapped her arms around her tightly, feeling the Doctor’s frail body shake violently with sobs.

She had cried in frustration many, many times over the last few weeks but this was the first time she had properly let out her emotions.

“It’s okay, you’re okay, I’ve got you, I’ve got you, you’re safe, I’ve got you.” Yaz repeated, stroking her arm.

They stayed in that position for a long time, long past when the Doctor had calmed down. That was until…

“Oh God, I’m going to be sick” Yaz announced suddenly, getting to her feet and staggering to the bathroom where the Doctor could hear her empty the contents of her stomach and wished she could go to her. But she couldn’t get into the wheelchair on her own and even if she could, it wouldn’t fit through the small bathroom door.

Yaz reappeared a few minutes later looking weak and shivery.

“You win. It’s the flu.” She groaned and lowered herself back onto the sofa. The Doctor grabbed her arm and pulled her down, putting Yaz’s head in her lap. Yaz shoved a pillow between the Doctor’s cold, bony thigh and her head and covered herself with the thick woollen blanket from the back of the sofa, allowing the soothing sensation of the Doctor stroking her head to lull her back to sleep.

The next morning Yaz was worse. She just about managed to get the Doctor up, dressed and downstairs on the sofa before promptly falling asleep in exactly the same position she had been in the night before, a bucket and a glass of water on the coffee table.

She was clammy to the touch and the Doctor kept alternating her cold hands on Yaz’s forehead, the other one holding the book she was reading propped open. She was pretty stiff, she hadn’t had a workout last night or that morning and her body was missing it.

There was a quiet knock on the door and Ryan let himself in sheepishly.

“Can I come in?” he asked.

“Always.”

Ryan walked in slowly, putting a shopping bag on the floor beside him and the Doctor closed her book.

“Yaz okay?” he asked, looking at her sleeping soundly.

“She’s been throwing up all night, been napping here for a couple of hours. Hasn’t been sick for a while but she’s still pretty warm.”

He cleared his throat awkwardly. “I owe you an apology Doctor. I’m sorry about yesterday. Yaz told me why you got so upset. If I’d known I never would’ve suggested it. I’m so sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologise Ryan. It wasn’t your fault. I can't expect you to know stuff I don’t tell you. I just find it really hard to talk about.”

“I know you do. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. But I’ll always listen if you need someone to talk to okay.”

“I know you will. I’m sorry for embarrassing you in front of your new colleagues before you’ve even started working with them.”

“You’re not an embarrassment Doctor. We keep telling you that. From the little bit I know about what you went through I think it’s amazing that you’re not drooling in some sort of space mental health facility doped up to your eyeballs, let alone that you still laugh and smile and function on a day to day basis.”

“Bit mushy for you Ryan.”

He shrugged. “Probably. Don’t mean it’s not true.” He held up the bag he had brought with him. “Graham sent his magic soup, you hungry?”

“Nah I’m fine but Yaz should try and eat something.”

“You and I both know there’s no way Yaz or I are going to let you away with not eating. Not to make personal remarks but you really need to put some weight on. Besides, I thought you loved Graham’s soup.”

“I do. Don’t know what he does to it but…” she held out her hands which were shaking violently though the rest of her body was calm and still. “I’m way too shaky for soup, I’ll spill it all over myself and I can’t really feel my hands again today anyway.”

“All you need t’do is ask love” Yaz mumbled sleepily. “You know we’re here for you.”

“You need to stop eavesdropping on conversations when people think you’re sleeping.” The Doctor retorted.

“Soup for everyone then” Ryan announced, disappearing into the kitchen. “Don’t worry, I have the spiced version for me and the Doctor but there’s a couple of bowls of the plain stuff for you too Yaz.”

Yaz had wandered off into the bathroom to splash her face and brush her teeth, her mouth still tasted foul after her disgusting night spent on the bathroom floor. Every time she had gotten back into bed, no matter how quiet she thought she had been, the Doctor was awake and waiting for her and had cuddled her until she had either fallen asleep again or run back to the toilet.

Ryan reappeared a few minutes ago with lunch. Three bowls of soup, two spiced one plain, two crusty baguettes with butter, one plate of dry crackers, two mugs of tea and one glass of tepid water. 

Ryan pulled a dining room chair up and sat beside the Doctor, feeding her her soup though she was just about able to manage the bread on her own, even if her hands and face did get a bit smeared in butter. While soup might have been the last thing she was able to manage to feed herself at that particular moment in time, Ryan very much doubted she would have been able to coordinate her hands enough to feed herself anything involving cutlery.

“Graham okay?” Yaz asked, poking listlessly at her soup with her spoon. She longed for the fragrant, spiciness she could smell from the other two bowls but knew there was no way her currently delicate stomach would be able to handle it.

“Yeah he’s fine. You remember that charity he was working for last year? Well he’s talking to them about getting his position back.”

“I don’t remember that” the Doctor frowned.

“He was driving a sort of mobile hospital that goes round to the homeless and gives them access to basic medical and dental care. Stuff like blood tests, first aid, fillings, eye tests and stuff.”

“That sounds great, good for Graham.”

When they had finished eating Ryan cleared up the dishes for them and handed the Doctor a wet wipe to sort out her greasy hands and face.

“Fancy a movie Ryan?” she asked him when he came back in.

He smiled. “Absolutely” he agreed and squeezed onto the sofa with Yaz and the Doctor. The two women were, typically, curled in against each other, using each other for comfort but Ryan didn’t miss the gesture of the Doctor offering him her other hand, recognising it for the peace offering that it was. He squeezed it tightly and it stopped shaking so he kept a tight hold, stealing a corner of the blanket. 


	60. Chapter 60

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo many people asked me what Ryan and the Doctor get up to while Yaz is at work so lets find out.
> 
> I have no idea about police procedures and it was surprisingly difficult to find the info online so sorry if this is wrong, I made it up.
> 
> This chapter was supposed to be about something totally different but by the time I made it to that part I had written 4000 words already and I didn't want it to be too long so you'll just have to wait until next time. That part will also be fluff, this is not. 
> 
> Apologies for any mistakes, it's too late to proof read.

The Doctor was lying in bed, trying to control the shaking that had taken over her body again. She was comfortably propped up on her side, Yaz had already helped her shower and dressed her. Usually Ryan arrived just as she was finishing getting dressed and he would take over by bringing her downstairs, putting her in her chair and helping with breakfast. But today he was late. And he had picked a really rotten day to be late.

Yaz was pacing around the bedroom anxiously, talking to herself. She was driving the Doctor crazy, partly because Yaz could relieve her tension by pacing while she no longer could and partly because she kept coming in and out of her field of view. It was exceptionally irritating. She desperately wanted to get up, catch Yaz and give her a hug but she couldn’t. If Rassilon himself walked into this bedroom and commanded her to get up she couldn’t have done it. Without the cushions that Yaz had stuffed behind and in front of her to support her she might have managed to flop uncomfortably onto her back but that was about it.

“Yaz will you just go? You can't be late today.”

“I can't just leave you.”

“Yes you can. Ryan won't be long and I’ll be fine.”

“You don’t know how long he’ll be. You’re twitching all over the place, I’m fine for another few minutes.”

“You phoned him and he didn’t answer which probably means he’s driving over here right now.”

“Yeah, probably. Not definitely. He also could have forgotten to set his alarm clock and still be asleep right now.”

“Graham’s always up by now, he wouldn’t let him sleep in.”

“Graham’s on shift this morning.”

“Yaz you’re driving me insane. Come and sit with me. Please?”

“Doctor I…”

“Yaz. Come and sit down. Please.”

Yaz sighed but sat on the other side of the bed, and twisted round so she was facing the Doctor, keeping her gleaming work boots off the covers. She always looked smart when she went to work but especially so today. She reached over and tucked a stray strand of hair that had fallen across the Doctor’s face back in under her scarf for her. Her skin was clammy as she shook.

“You’re having a really lousy day huh?” asked Yaz sympathetically, catching the Doctor’s hand to hold it, stilling at least one part of her body temporarily.

“No, I’m fine. Stop worrying about me, think about how we’re going to celebrate when you get this.”

Yaz raised her eyebrows, indicating she didn’t believe a word the Doctor was saying. Her speech was so slurred she could barely understand her at all and was having to concentrate very hard just to figure out some of the words and use that information to fill in the blanks. She was pretty sure it was only because she knew the Doctor so well that she was able to pick up what she was saying.

“I think celebrations are unlikely, I’ve spent most of the last two weeks sleeping on the sofa instead of studying.”

“You know your stuff Yaz. You’ll ace the exam and then it’s just the interview.”

“Yeah and with a bit of luck I’ll manage not to throw up all over the panel.”

Poor Yaz had ended up with a horrific dose of the flu and had spent most of the last fortnight sleeping on the sofa, bringing up everything she ate, doing her usual care for the Doctor and trying to study for her Sergeants exam in the middle of it all. Thankfully she seemed to have woken up a little better though the Doctor knew she hadn’t attempted breakfast.

There was a click from the front door downstairs and Yaz bolted off the bed, looking panicked. She kissed the Doctor’s cheek and ran down the stairs, interrupting Ryan’s apologies as she did so.

“She’s upstairs pretending she’s not having a bad day” Yaz called as she grabbed her keys, making sure her voice was loud enough for the Doctor to hear even with her good ear buried in a pillow as she took off.

As soon as Yaz left the room the Doctor let go of the burden of the mask she had been wearing that morning and by the time Ryan made it up the stairs the intense, uncomfortable tremors that were wracking her whole body were on the verge of making her scream in frustration and pain.

She knew what the problem was. She had gone from spending large parts of her day, almost every day, doing intense levels of physiotherapy with Yaz but that had gone down to basically nil while Yaz had been sick. It had been enough of an effort for Yaz to help her into her wheelchair or the bed at the beginning and end of every day and combining it with a shower and in and out of pyjamas and at least a couple of trips to the bathroom on top of it meant that Yaz simply hadn’t had the strength or the energy to do any more. Graham had spent a lot of time with them, keeping the house going, making sure they both ate, and Ryan had been over when he hadn’t been working. But Yaz still carried an immense burden, something the Doctor felt intensely guilty about. 

Her eye was closed against the wave of dizziness she was experiencing but she felt the bed shift as Ryan sat down next to her. It was the first time they had been alone together since she had freaked out on him at AET and she felt the embarrassment acutely.

Ryan watched her for a moment, she was twitching and clearly in pain, not something she would admit to most likely. But they were both potential warning signs that another seizure was on its way. Unfortunately, she had now had a sufficient number that they were picking up on potential triggers. He would have to keep a close eye on her but it also worried him, he hadn’t dealt with one on his own before and they were truly terrifying to witness.

“You want some peace to sleep it off or I’ve got my laptop I can bring up if you wanna watch a movie or something?” Ryan asked when she finally opened her eye. It was a pretty safe bet that she absolutely wouldn’t want to be touched while she was like this.

To his surprise she shook her head. “Need to sit in my chair, helps with the headache.” she slurred. “Please?”

Yaz hadn’t been kidding that morning when she had texted a quick update and mentioned how bad her speech was.

Ryan couldn’t help but feel like it was probably a bad idea, not least because it was much harder for him to carry her when she was spasming and if, God forbid, she seized while still in his arms he would drop her. If it happened at the top of the stairs she would be very badly hurt. But he knew that, she knew what she was asking. And the last time Ryan had suggested not following her wishes she had shouted at him. She was an adult, she could make her own choices even if he didn’t agree with them, she just couldn’t carry them out.

Reluctantly he moved the pillows out of the way and rolled her onto her back, scooping her up into his arms. She stifled a small moan as he adjusted slightly to make her more secure and he carried her downstairs, strapping her into her chair. She glared at him as he fastened her full chest strap and the one at her foot. She didn’t normally wear either in the house abymore but if she had another seizure and wasn’t secure she would flop half in and half out and had the potential to fall to the floor, damaging herself. He knew it and she knew it which was why she was glaring at him rather than arguing about it.

“I haven’t had breakfast yet, I’m making tea and toast, you want some or something else?” he asked her.

“Tea and toast is fine.”

Ryan left her where she was and headed into the kitchen. By the time he made it back into the living room she was sound asleep. He looked at her sadly, even in sleep her muscles were still going. He adjusted her chair so it was both tilted and reclined to make her more comfortable, readjusted her head slightly against the headrest, strapped in her hands which had fallen uncomfortably down either side of the chair and flicked a blanket over her. He set up his laptop at the table, closed the curtains to give her privacy and spun her chair around so she would be able to see him if she woke up.

Yaz had a small lamp on her side table and Ryan moved it to the table he was working at rather than turning on the main light, not wanting to disturb the Doctor. He plugged a pair of headphones into his laptop and started on some reading that he had been set by AET. They had made it very clear that just because he was an intern didn’t mean he wasn’t expected to contribute meaningfully and he had to be fully up to speed with all projects that he would be getting involved with, starting with the nerve stimulation one that had caused the Doctor to panic a fortnight ago.

A couple of hours passed in silence, the Doctor was still sleeping soundly and Ryan had gotten as far as he could, it was a lot to wade through, especially for someone who was yet to even start at university. He needed a break. He closed his laptop and set to work in the kitchen, intentionally clattering about in the hopes that the Doctor would waken. He had turned her chair again so she was facing the kitchen.

Ryan made a couple of rounds of sandwiches and one of the disgusting looking nutritional milkshakes for the Doctor seeing as she had missed breakfast. He figured she would probably be able to eat a sandwich on her own even if she was still shaking. If she couldn’t it wasn’t a problem, but he knew how much she hated it when she needed to be fed.

He swore under his breath as he dropped one of Yaz’s mugs on the tiled floor where it smashed and the Doctor awoke suddenly with a cry. He looked in on her, she wasn’t with it and was struggling weakly against the restraints on her hands. Ryan hurried in and released them for her.

“Hey Doctor, you with me?” he asked, concerned that she seemed so confused. “It’s just Ryan, you’re in the living room. Sorry about the noise, I dropped a mug.”

She took a couple of deep breaths, rubbing her head against the headrest as she failed to focus.

“Doctor? Eyes on me okay?” Ryan commanded gently.

“Ryan?” she asked dopily and he smiled at her.

“Sorry for the rude wake up call. Broke Yaz’s rainbow mug.”

“She’s gonna kill you.” Her voice was much clearer than it had been that morning and he noticed that her body had stilled, her brain no longer sending mixed up signals causing her muscles to misfire.

“Don’t suppose you wanna tell her you did it?”

“Not a chance. All on you.”

“Mean”

He was thoroughly relieved when she stuck her tongue out at him childishly. If she was feeling well enough to behave like a five year old she was fine.

“I made lunch” Ryan called over his shoulder as he headed into the kitchen to grab the food. He pushed the Doctor’s chair to the table and clipped the tray to her chair for her and placed the plate of sandwiches and the milkshake on it for her, sitting next to her at the table.

The Doctor’s movements were clumsy, more so than normal, and he watched her out of the corner of his eye as she struggled to pick up the sandwich.

“You got it Doctor?” he asked cautiously.

She nodded with gritted teeth, finally managing to make her hands pick up the sandwich her had cut into quarters for her with such a tight grip that she mangled it and slowly managed to eat it through a combination of raising her arm as high as she could get it and lowering her head to meet it.

It took her a painfully long time to eat the simple meal and when she was done Ryan transferred her into the middle chair at her request. She couldn’t get close enough to the sink in it to do the dishes but she did clear the table at a painstakingly slow pace. It would have been much faster for Ryan to do it himself but it was important that she did what she could for herself. Even if that meant bringing in each plate and cup individually and when she went to wipe down the counters Ryan had to spray them for her first because her fingers couldn’t manage the squeeze pull action.

When they had finished they went back into the living room and settled at the table. Ryan opened his laptop and notes out in front of them and put the Doctor’s glasses on her face for her. She was helping him learn the stuff he needed to know before he started his course. Some of the mechanics and engineering were overwhelming him a little and the Doctor was helping him keep up with the vast amounts of work he was being sent.

“Why am I so stupid?” Ryan groaned an hour later, banging his head against the table. The Doctor was patiently explaining one tiny part of the nerve stimulator to him for the fourth time but his brain was stubbornly refusing to accept the information.

“You’re not stupid Ryan. This is complex stuff.”

“They shouldn’t have hired me. I’m only gonna screw it up.”

“Ryan, you’re an intern. You haven’t even started your degree and its been years since you last studied. Give yourself a break.”

“Why am I even going to uni? I were terrible at school. Even had to dictate my exams cause no one can read my lousy handwriting.”

“Dyspraxia doesn’t affect your intelligence.”

“Just everything else. How am I supposed to do all the mechanical stuff? This ain’t cars, it’s tiny wires and electrical components. I’ll screw it all up.”

“Ryan you’re not gonna screw this up. I absolutely believe that. When I first met you, you could barely climb a ladder and talk at the same time. Now you carry me up and down Yaz’s stairs all the time and I have never, not once, felt unsafe while you’ve been doing that. You’ve never dropped me or even come close.”

“Still can’t ride a bike.”

“Well I still can't sit on my own.”

“Bet you’re walking again before I can ride my bike.”

“Oh you’re on. What does the winner get?”

“One trip in the TARDIS to wherever and whenever they choose.”

“Oh you’re on Ryan Sinclair” she smiled, offering him her fist to shake.

“Fancy a game of chess before we make dinner?” he asked, closing his books.

“Yeah go for it” she agreed easily and Ryan pulled the chess set out of his bag.

It was a full-sized chess board but like the travel sets, it also had magnets under each square and under each piece. It meant her clumsy hands were less likely to send the pieces flying and she was able to pick up the pieces by wedging them in the knuckles of her ring and tallest finger of her fist.

Ryan was a mediocre chess player at best and while he knew it was unlikely he would ever beat the Doctor who was a brilliant strategist and tactical genius, he was determined to learn enough from her to beat Graham who always bragged for days about his days as a chess champ when he was in school whenever he won.

The Doctor was a great teacher, patient and encouraging and Ryan was learning a lot from her both in regards to the chess and everything he was trying to cram into his mind for his internship. He knew she could beat him in five minutes flat if she wanted to but she never did, instead she prolonged their games to teach him as much as possible. And she never humoured him by letting him win. She said it would take all the fun and pride out of when he did it for real for the first time. Privately, Ryan very much doubted that he would ever beat her but it was nice that she thought he could.

When Ryan had once again lost the game spectacularly, they tidied away and headed into the kitchen to make dinner. Ryan wouldn’t be staying, he was meeting Sonya, but the Doctor wanted to have something nice for Yaz when she came in, if she was feeling like her exam hadn’t gone well she would need the comfort but hopefully she would be happy with what she had done and they would be celebrating.

Ryan started chopping vegetables and handed the Doctor the tray of mince steak which was already mixed with chopped onions, garlic and herbs, to start rolling into meatballs. Both helpful (Ryan couldn’t stand handling raw meat) and good for her fine motor skills which were pretty much non-existent at the moment given that she couldn’t independently straighten her fingers at all anymore.

By the time the Doctor had completed the task, Ryan had chopped all the vegetables and started to put together a sauce. He handed the Doctor the wooden spoon he was using to stir and took over the marginally more complex task of frying the meatballs and grating the cheese simultaneously.

It was all going well until the Doctor’s arm was wracked by a sudden, violent spasm causing the wooden spoon to fly out of her hand, liberally smearing boiling tomato sauce across her and across the kitchen.

“Damnit” she cried, looking at the mess she had made. The sauce was in an almost perfect arc across the cream tiles on the walls and floor and pale wood cabinets as if someone had had their throat slit. Not to mention that it was all over her as well and starting to burn.

The spoon was clamped tightly between her fingers and she couldn’t relax them enough to let go while she clawed at her top, trying to move the boiling stains away from her already very fragile skin.

Ryan was on her in an instant. He had taken everything off the heat and had pulled the spoon out of her hand. Now he was unstrapping her chest strap and tugging at her top.

“I’m sorry Doctor, I know you don’t want me to do this but you don’t need any more burns” he apologised as he struggled to get her arms out of the sleeves. He realised he still wasn’t giving Yaz enough credit, it was much harder to get off her than he realised – her body was incredibly uncooperative. By the time he finally managed it, she was crying.

He crouched down so he could look her in the eye.

“Hey, focus for me for a second okay? I need you to tell me if you’re hurt?”

She cried harder. He didn’t want to touch her, given that he had just wrestled her out of her top and now she sitting exposed in just her bra. He was trying very hard not to look, not that he hadn’t seen it before but only in desperate circumstances when she had been unconscious. Thinking of it like that made him feel creepy but it was true.

“Doctor, are you hurt?” he demanded, more firmly this time.

She shook her head.

He nipped into the utility room and lifted her a clean top, not sure if it was hers or Yaz’s, they might be all but living together at the moment but it wasn’t like he paid that much attention to what his friends wore.

“Can I help you put this on?” he asked nervously. She was very distressed; the anger had dissipated quickly.

He felt like he was waiting an age for an answer but eventually she gave a small nod and he put it over her head before attempting to try and get her arms through the long sleeves but he was only succeeding in getting her hopelessly tangled and threatening to topple her forwards now she didn’t have the support of the chest strap.

She managed to compose herself enough to instruct him.

“It’s easier if you do my arms first. Put your hand through the end of the sleeve and grab my hand then over my head.” She explained.

He followed her instructions and leaned her forward to pull it down over her back, bracing their shoulders against each other as he did so to keep her stable before strapping her back in carefully.

“Are you sure you’re not hurt?” he checked, now that she was calmer.

She shook her head. “I’m fine. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it, easy cleaned.” He sprayed down the worktops and handed her a cloth to clean them with while he tacked the wall, floor and cabinets. While she finished off, inching her way along the counters to get all of the mess he quickly put the meatballs and pasta into a baking dish, smothered them with the sauce she had been stirring and covered the whole lot with cheese before popping the whole lot into the oven to bake.

By the time they were both done, she had relaxed again and he handed her a wipe to clean her face with. She was just finishing as the door clicked: Yaz was home. Ryan went out to greet her, he gave her a very quick rundown of the day before leaving quickly for his date with Sonya.

“What on earth happened to you?” asked the Doctor, shocked by the state Yaz was in which Ryan had apparently not noticed in the dim light of the hallway.

Yaz was absolutely filthy and looked like she had been at work for twelve days rather than twelve hours. There was a cut above her eye which had been steri-stripped back together and she looked completely and utterly exhausted.

“I just need a shower, I’ll be down in a bit yeah?” Yaz said vaguely, turning round and heading up the stairs.

The Doctor watched her go in disbelief. From what she had understood Yaz should have spent her day sitting at a desk in a meeting room, instead she looked like she had gone twelve rounds with a swamp creature.

The Doctor waited impatiently for Yaz to come back down. She tried to make her a cup of tea and got as far as turning the already full kettle on and putting the teabag in a cup but she couldn’t manage to lift the heavy, filled kettle and after her near miss a short while ago she didn’t want to try and risk scalding herself.

Upstairs, Yaz was out of the shower, dressed in her pyjamas, psyching herself up to go downstairs. The Doctor had had a hard day but so had she. All she wanted was to curl up in front of the TV and do nothing – no responsibilities, no one to demand anything of her, nothing except junk food and some mindless programme. But she couldn’t. She needed to be a grown-up. She couldn’t stay up here because she couldn’t leave the Doctor on her own. She hadn’t had the seizure she and Ryan had both been expecting but that didn’t mean it wasn’t going to happen. She could smell dinner in the oven which was sweet but she was going to have to go and take it out because the Doctor wouldn’t be able to do that. After dinner she would have to do most of the clearing up because there was something else the Doctor couldn’t do and when all that was done she would have to carry the Doctor upstairs to bed and dress her before she could even think about getting into bed herself.

She pulled on her fuzzy slippers with a sigh and headed downstairs. The Doctor was waiting for her in the living room looking worried. She had set the table while Yaz was upstairs and turned the oven off. The kettle was boiled and there were two mugs ready in front of it, just needing to be poured.

Suddenly Yaz felt like a colossal bitch. The Doctor didn't want her to be doing all those things anymore than she felt like doing them. She sank down tiredly on the sofa, ashamed to find that she was crying.

“Yaz, talk to me, what’s the matter?” the Doctor asked, her voice full of concern, wheeling in as close as she could get.

Yaz didn’t answer but moved so she was resting her head on the Doctor’s lap.

The Doctor rested her hands on Yaz’s head and shoulder, she didn’t have the dexterity today to play with Yaz’s hair or rub her back like she usually did so it would have to do.

“It was horrendous. Did the exam, know I screwed it up. Kept fudging my answers in the interview, then had to chase a suspect through a dump and ended up rolling seventy odd feet down a hill and landing in a pile of rubbish so now I’m bruised, covered in other peoples crap and a complete laughing stock at work and that’s before anyone finds out I’ve completely fluffed my Sergeants exam.”

“I thought you didn’t get the results until tomorrow?”

“I don’t but somethings you don’t need to be told.”

“And why were you at a rubbish dump exactly? And where are you hurt?”

“Chasing a guy who’s raped nine women, we’ve been looking for him for six months. We got him, I followed him down the hill but I got a small cut to the forehead while he’s got a major concussion." She smiled at that part. "Other than that I just feel like I’ve been beaten up but it’s just bruises. I’m okay I promise, just a bit mardy.”

“You’re allowed to be Yaz, you don’t have to be cheerful all the time.”

“I know… I just… the anti-depressants were working but it seems like they’ve stopped again and I’ve gone back to feeling like total shit again. I don’t want to feel like this Doctor and I can't believe I'm sitting here complaining to you about this of all people.”

“Yaz, you’ve barely kept anything down for two weeks. You’ve probably thrown up most if not all of them so you might as well have stopped taking them. And why on earth wouldn’t you be able to complain to me? I’m your girlfriend, am I not supposed to be the person you both complain to and complain about most often?”

Yaz smiled a little at that despite herself. “You lost your ability to move and speak overnight and you’re not complaining or depressed.”

“Our situations are different Yaz. You’ve done the hard part here, you had to watch me go through it all and know there was very little you could do to help and what you did do was based on instinct. I'm so proud of you Yaz, I’ve put you through so much and I’m really sorry about that. And I was depressed, I spent two weeks refusing to get out of your bed at one point remember? I know you lot had me on suicide watch.”

“I didn’t know you knew that.”

“I don’t think Graham understands just how much more sensitive my hearing is compared to his, even if I only have one ear. But it was him that kicked me out of bed.”

“I remember” Yaz said softly. “I stayed at mums for the night, when I came back you had made me tea for the first time. It was disgusting, like drinking treacle or something.”

“I make great tea!” the Doctor argued defensively.

“Yeah after I wrote you instructions on how not to add sugar or adorn it with anything else you might spot in the fridge” she pointed out, remembering the time the Doctor had wanted to make her strawberry tea and had accomplished this by making regular tea and adding a spoonful of jam into the mix with a shudder.

The Doctor rolled her eyes just as the kitchen timer went off. Yaz dragged herself off the sofa and plated up two servings of the pasta and meatballs and made the tea. It had been a long, hard day but at least she got to come home and spend it with the Doctor.


	61. Chapter 61

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK People! Strawberry tea bags are a thing! Please, please, please buy them instead of adding jam to tea. You’re all weird! Don’t take cooking ideas from the man who brought us fishfingers and custard or the woman who couldn’t decide if she had made iced tea or not as she sniffed it in concern.
> 
> Sorry this took so long, I've been pretty sick this week and had a Covid-19 scare (I don't have it). I know I said fluff this chapter but I suck at that but it will be next chapter and I've set it up now so I can't change my mind haha!

The Doctor grunted with the effort as she attempted to roll a ball towards Graham, somehow getting her wrists tangled in the process and sending the ball off course. She was sitting on the floor of the living room with her legs spread into a wide v shape. Opposite her, Graham was mirroring her position and behind her Yaz was also doing the same, supporting her to stay upright with her arms wrapped around her waist firmly. The Doctor and Graham were attempting to roll a ball back and fourth to each other. Only she couldn’t make it go in a straight line at all and when she leaned to pick it up she kept flopping forwards despite Yaz’s support and it was such an effort to force her noodle arms to lever her body back into an upright, seated position. It was her first work-out session since Yaz had had the flu and while her body had been craving it desperately, now all it was doing was complaining.

Yaz kept her at it for ages. When they were done, she was lifted onto the sofa. This time Graham was behind her and Yaz was perched on a stool in front of her as she attempted to hold herself in a sitting position. Graham’s hands were supporting her lightly at the top of her arms while Yaz was talking her through it and resetting her every time she collapsed. Sometimes straight back on top of Graham, sometimes sideways, sometimes forwards into Yaz. Her arms were trembling with the effort of holding herself upright, it certainly didn’t feel like any of her core muscles were doing any work, but she could do the same exercise reasonably well in the pool and she was determined to master sitting independently as soon as possible.

Sitting independently was such a big, landmark skill. With it, she would be able to get back in her own wheelchair. She would be able to learn how to transfer herself from her chair to somewhere else, get on and off the floor, dress herself, shower on her own… the list was endless. Anything was better than being manhandled like a baby. How did she get to a point in her life where she was excited about sitting? But maybe, just maybe, if she could learn to sit she could also learn to stand or even walk.

Next, she found herself back on the floor, attempting to roll over. She could roll to her front or back if she was already on either side but she just couldn’t do it if she was already flat. Or at least not without someone giving her a shove. And her arms would inevitably get lost underneath her and she would be totally stuck. But Yaz still made her attempt the manoeuvre ten times each way before giving in and rolling her flat onto her back on the yoga mat for a stretch.

Yaz made… bit of a misnomer, she and Yaz had come up with the therapy plan together and Yaz was under strict instructions to push her hard and not give in. She needed to gain back some semblance in independence and normality.

Graham winced as he watched Yaz put the Doctor through a punishing series of stretches and passive exercises. The Doctor was weak and fragile… this was… brutal. Her muscles were quivering and Yaz massaged her major muscle groups, digging her fingers in deep, making the Doctor moan slightly in discomfort. It made him feel distinctly uncomfortable.

Finally, Yaz called it a day and lifted the Doctor into her larger wheelchair, the one she always sat in if she was likely to fall asleep. The Doctor gave a small groan as she settled her head against the headrest.

Yaz stroked her cheek lightly. “You okay?” her tone was gentle.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” She was panting slightly, drained from the effort of the punishing workout. Her muscles were still going but not as much as they had been before Yaz had massaged them and they would calm down in an hour or so. It was a good kind of pain and shaking though, the kind that came from a really good workout when you just knew that your body was benefitting from it.

The Doctor leaned her head against Yaz’s for a moment, enjoying the closeness. She was beyond exhausted and was already struggling to keep her eyes open.

Yaz kissed her. “Have a nap. I’m going to the dentist and I need to drop some bits off at work. I’ll be back in a couple of hours. Graham will stay with you.”

She had the vague notion that Graham was avoiding her – he was in the house a couple of days a week, but he spent most of his time doing chores or cooking. Yaz and Ryan did them too but they spent time with her as well, even if it was just making sure she was in the same room as everyone else when she couldn’t physically do it herself and generally she was able to find something that needed done that she could manage. 

When she had been bed bound upstairs he had spent plenty of time sitting with her though admittedly he hadn’t made the same effort to communicate with her that the others had but now he was rarely ever in the same room as her and certainly not on his own. When she had needed to be fed all the time because her arms wouldn’t work Yaz and Ryan had always done it, never commenting or making a big deal out of it but Graham had never even offered. It wasn’t like she expected her friends to do things for her, she never asked, but she was very grateful to them. And they never, ever made her feel like she was an inconvenience, even though she knew she was.

The Doctor nodded sleepily in agreement, already losing her battle with consciousness. By the time Yaz had gathered her coat and keys she was completely out of it. Yaz stopped and adjusted her chair to make her more comfortable and kissed her again before leaving, calling out a soft goodbye to Graham who had wandered off to find the kettle.

Graham wandered in after Yaz had left. The Doctor was twitching and he watched her sadly as she let out a small noise of discomfort in her sleep. She was so badly damaged he could hardly bare to look at her. His strong, energetic, incredible friend had been reduced to a shadow of her former self, barely able to move or talk, her body wracked with spasms and twitches she couldn’t control and in constant pain. He found her regular crying fits unnerving and never knew what to do when she was sobbing uncontrollably because om something minor. It was… bizarre.

He hadn’t told anyone but some nights he couldn’t get her out of his mind and he found himself in mourning for the friend he had lost. He realised he couldn’t bear to look anymore and he tiptoed out of the living room and fled to the safety of the garden. She would probably sleep for most of the afternoon anyway. 

The Doctor woke suddenly, not sure why. She had been dreaming and while it hadn’t been pleasant it wasn’t a full nightmare either. She heard the back door click, Graham spent a lot of time in their garden. As her senses slowly came back online after the dream she became aware that she was sitting in the bigger of her two chairs. She always used it if she was sleeping because it held her head up and saved her friends backs from carrying her upstairs. But she was parked facing a plain wall and had no way to move until someone physically came and did it for her. Her heart rate was fast too, as the after affects of the dream lingered around her.

As the Doctor drew in a deep, calming breath her attention was caught by a shadow flitting across the room behind her.

It looked terrifyingly like a Mhufeist.

_Have they got Graham? Is that why he’s not here._

_No, not now. They can't have caught up to me now._

_I can't do anything to stop them. I'm like their dream right now, they won't have to drug me. Couldn’t run away if every door in the place was open._

_I need to get out of here._

She tugged and pulled at the restraints at her arms but although they weren’t tight they were well strapped and she made no headway.

Her foot really hurt and she tried to move it but it was strapped too.

The shadow moved again.

_It’s coming closer._

_Run!_

_I can’t!_

She was terrified and she pulled at desperately the restraints again.

_Let me out!_

Her head was feeling fuzzy and she blinked impatiently at the tears that were running freely down her face.

_Not now. Don’t have time for… this… …_

Which was her last thought before her eye rolled back in her head.

After a clean bill of health from the dentist Yaz had dropped some paperwork off to work, and though she had been disappointed that Jennifer hadn’t been there, she was in a good mood when she got home. She loved the Doctor very much but it had been nice to have a few hours break knowing she was safe and looked after. However, when she opened the door her relaxed, good mood disappeared quickly, replaced instantly by worry when she heard the Doctor crying. She sounded terrified. Yaz dumped her stuff on the hallway floor, rushing into the living room.

“Hey, what’s happened? What’s the matter?” Yaz asked, moving in front of her.

The Doctor was exactly where Yaz had left her, but she was bright red in the face and struggling against the straps on her wheelchair, making a godawful sound like she was being strangled. There was a horrible, rancid smell where she had apparently been so upset and frightened she had been sick all over herself. It was a miracle she hadn't choked on it as her chair was still reclined and tilted backwards to make her more comfortable while she had been asleep. Yaz had no idea how long she had been like this but given the state she had worked herself into it must have been a while which begged the question, where the hell was Graham? Had he collapsed? Had a stroke or a heart attack? It was the only explanation she could think of for him to leave the Doctor to get herself worked up into this state.

“Doctor, I have to go and check that Graham’s okay. I’ll be right back I promise.”

She felt dreadful as she left the Doctor alone in such a distressed state but she would be faster than her own and she was now terrified that she was going to find Graham unconscious somewhere.

Yaz sped upstairs first, checking the bathroom and their bedroom – no sign. He wasn’t in the downstairs loo or kitchen. When she looked out the window she was incensed to see him pottering happily in the garden, completely oblivious to what was going on inside. Yaz resisted the temptation to go out and give him a piece of her mind right then and there but the Doctor needed her.

Ignoring the mess the Doctor was in, Yaz unstrapped her from the wheelchair and lifted her onto the sofa to help her calm down. She wasn’t having a panic attack but she was incredibly distressed and cried into Yaz’s shoulder inconsolably. She must have been very frightened; she was still shaking with fear as Yaz held her close.

“Talk to me. What scared you so much?” Yaz probed gently as the Doctor calmed enough to speak.

“It’s nothing. Being silly.”

“It’s not silly if you were that upset. Tell me what happened love, please.”

“I used to stare down Daleks and cybermen without blinking Yaz. Today I lost my head over a shadow. Sometimes, it’s like I’ve lost everything that makes me, me. I woke up really suddenly, I was having a bad dream. My right foot really hurt and I called Graham, I really needed to move it but I couldn’t because my feet were strapped in. There was a shadow behind me and it really looked like a Mhufeist. I thought it had already attacked Graham and that’s why he hadn't come and the shadow was moving. They used to blindfold me sometimes and chain me to the floor and they would hit me or make random sudden noises to make me jump. They thought it was funny.”

Her speech slurring which it hadn't been doing that morning . Her voice was low and unemotional, like it always was when she recounted a sliver of information about the torture she had been through but it made Yaz angry.

“They’re not here love. They can't get to you now. You’re always safe here, I’ve got you.”

The Doctor hummed non committedly.

“Is your foot still hurting?”

“No, whatever was making it uncomfortable is gone. Why?”

“Because you don’t have a right foot Doctor. And you haven’t had a problem with phantom limb pain before…”

The Doctor looked down, as if she didn’t believe what Yaz was telling her.

“Oh yeah, I forgot” she said. The confusion, the slurred speech – Yaz was pretty sure she had had a seizure that afternoon on top of everything else. She had certainly been distressed enough to trigger one though there was no way to tell for sure, she never remembered having them.

“Come on, you need something clean to wear. You want a shower?” Yaz said with a soft sigh.

An hour later both Yaz and the Doctor had had a shower and were in clean clothes. Yaz made the Doctor comfortable on the bed, arranging her limbs in a neutral position and gathered up their soiled clothes to take down to the washing machine.

“I’ll be back in just a minute once I’ve got these in the machine” Yaz promised.

The Doctor nodded dopily; she was spacing out again. The postictal stage after a seizure always left her confused and disorientated and could last anywhere from twenty minutes to several hours. She was probably at the tail end though Yaz judged, based on that the confusion was punctuated with periods of complete lucidity.

But it didn’t change the fact that she’d had a nightmare with no one to wake her from it and rescue her. Or that she had woken up alone and afraid. Or that she had been so plagued by bad memories she had become spooked by shadows on the wall but had been unable to do anything about them and had worked herself into a heightened state of anxiety. Or that her brain had apparently reached its tipping point leading to the suspected seizure and at some point during all of that she had been so frightened and overwhelmed she had actually been sick. All while Graham was pottering in the garden obliviously.

Yaz put their clothes in the washing machine, turning up the temperature and adding a liberal measure of Dettol as well.

Graham appeared just as she turned on the machine.

“Hi Yaz” he greeted cheerfully “didn’t hear you get back. Your appointment go alright?”

“Graham can I have a word?”

“Sure love. The Doc still asleep?”

“No. She isn’t. How long have you been out in the garden?”

Graham glanced at his watch. “Dunno, couple of hours maybe?”

“And you didn’t think to check on her at all?”

“She was asleep, I didn’t want to wake her.”

“No Graham, she wasn’t. The back door woke her when you went out. She called for you but you didn’t come. She was in pain and needed to move and the shadows behind her started to freak her out because she couldn’t just turn round and look at them. She was convinced you were hurt. I was too when I got home actually because it was the only explanation I could come up with for you allowing her to get into the state I found her in.” Yaz was trying very hard to keep her temper. It was rare she got sufficiently angry to lose control but right now she felt dangerously close.

“When I went outside she was sound asleep Yaz.” Graham protested.

“But you didn’t put the monitor on to see her when she woke up or check on her regularly. She had a nightmare. She was so afraid she threw up Graham, we’re very lucky she didn’t choke on it. And she had another seizure. She could have died while you were out there playing with the flowers.”

Yaz’s voice was calm but icy cold. 

“Come on Yaz, it’s not that bad.”

“Yes it is Graham. It’s taken me the best part of two hours to calm her down and get her cleaned up and you didn’t come inside to check on her in that time. Ryan and I don’t sit and hold her hand all day, but once she was awake she would have gone out to the garden with you for some company or brought her book out with her. At the very least let her know you’re alive. You didn’t have to entertain her, she’s an adult, you just had to keep her safe.”

“She was safe. Not like she could go anywhere.” Graham pointed out. He was already feeling ashamed, he knew he should have checked on her but he had been so sure she would sleep for the whole afternoon.

“She wasn’t safe” Yaz snapped. “She was virtually lying flat and held down at her chest. She could have very easily choked or been hurt during the seizure.”

“I don’t know what to say to her anymore.” Graham admitted slowly. “Seems like every time I see her she’s crying again. I just don’t wanna make that worse.”

“So your solution is to pretend she isn’t here?” Yaz asked incredulously. “You’ve been sick Graham, you must have an awareness of how it feels to be so dependent on other people.” Her voice softened. “I know the crying is hard to deal with Graham. But she’s crying because she can’t communicate properly or because her brain is overloading. And because she spent years being either doped up to the eyeballs to keep her compliant or beaten into submission. Between the two her brain has basically been put through a blender. She can't help it or control it. Trust me, she’s way more embarrassed than you are.”

“I don’t know what she wants or needs.”

“Then talk to her Graham. She’s still an intelligent, articulate person, just be patient. And it’s okay to need a break, just tell her that you’re doing it and where you’re going. And if you’re not staying within ear shot put the monitor on if she’s sitting in the wheelchair that she can't move on her own. It’s not like I spend all day sitting next to her.”

“She’s an adult Yaz, it just feels wrong.”

“I know it does. But she’s also incredibly vulnerable. The thing she needs most is to feel safe and be safe. This is the one place in the universe where she feels like that at the moment and the people that come into this space need to make her feel that way too. This afternoon she wasn’t safe.”

“I know Yaz, I’m sorry.”

“It’s not me you need to apologise to.”

“Should I go up now…”

“Maybe not while she's in bed Graham yeah? I think she’s probably feeling as exposed as she can handle for one day. Text her and make a plan to come over tomorrow or something.”

“Can she text?”

“She can do it through voice commands or type with her knuckles. And if she couldn’t I would help her.” Yaz pointed out. “She’s not helpless, she’s trying really hard.”

When she headed back upstairs the Doctor held out her arms and Yaz sank into them gratefully and the Doctor nuzzled her head in close, losing herself in the scent of Yaz’s shampoo and the feel of her skin. Yaz mindlessly stroked her fingers across the Doctor’s stomach where her t-shirt had ridden up slightly.

“Hey that tickles” she complained after a moment, batting Yaz’s hands away.

“You can feel that?” Yaz asked surprised. The Doctor’s sensation was patchy at best but in general she had only been able to accurately feel deep pressure and sometimes not even that.

“Yeah I can” she said, a slow grin spreading across her face. “Feels nice. But also tickly.”

Yaz leaned up and kissed her hard and the Doctor returned the sentiment eagerly.

“Did Jennifer phone while you were out?” the Doctor asked.

“Yeah.”

“And?”

Yaz rolled over and sat up so she was facing her. 

“I got the promotion” she said softly, a huge smile spreading across her face. “Just made it through the exam but apparently I gave a great interview. Jennifer wants me on the fast track for detective.”

“Yaz that’s amazing! I’m so proud of you!” The Doctor’s smile was threatening to split her face in half and made her eyes sparkle they way they used to.

She held up her arms to pull Yaz back into a hug but Yaz surprised her by scooping her up into a sitting position instead, attacking her in a bear hug which she returned as best she could. She let out a small, involuntary squeak of discomfort and ignored the wave of dizziness that washed over her at the sudden, unexpected change in position.

“You're incredible Yaz, you really deserve it” she said sincerely, wriggling into a more stable position and resting her chin on Yaz’s shoulder.

“Thanks. Can’t believe it’s happened. I’ve had so much time off but they liked all the stuff I’ve been doing with Maisie and her case. It’s turning into one of the biggest child abuse cases in the country.”

“Clearly they think you’re as wonderful as I know you are.”

“I know you broke my rainbow mug Doctor, no point in buttering me up.”

“What?” she spluttered. “That was Ryan! I told him I wasn’t going to take the blame for him!”

Yaz narrowed her eyes, trying to work out if she was being lied to.

They sat contentedly in each other’s arms for a few moments.

“Have you called your parents yet?”

“No, I wanted you to be the first to know.”

The Doctor kissed her again. “You should go call them. They’ll want to know.”

“Yeah I know. You staying up here or coming downstairs with me?”

“Is it okay if I stay up here?”

“You don’t need my permission Doctor, you’re a grown up and this is your house too.”

The Doctor shrugged and Yaz carefully lowered her back down into a semi-seated position, grabbing an extra cushion for back support. The Doctor reached for her book and glasses on the bedside table but only succeeded in knocking them on the floor and groaned in annoyance as Yaz had to pick them up for her, though she did manage to shove her glasses on her own face for a change. She opened her book using her chin for help and propped it open with her wrists to compensate for her lousy grip.

Yaz paused for a moment in the doorway to check the Doctor was safe.

“Don’t say no to your parents on my account” the Doctor said, not looking up from her book.

“What do you mean?” asked Yaz feeling confused.

“When your mum invites us for dinner. If you don’t wanna go that’s fine but don’t refuse because of me.”

“Thought you were telepathic not psychic?”

“I am. I still know your parents are gonna wanna celebrate with you tonight.”

“It’s not that big a deal” Yaz protested modestly.

“Yes, it is!” the Doctor insisted, finally tearing her eyes away from the book she was holding.

That evening found Yaz pushing the Doctor down the familiar hallway to her parents flat, wondering how exactly she had lost out on her peaceful evening in with the Doctor and a takeaway pizza from their favourite spot. She let them in with her key and quickly slipped her sandals off and replaced them with slippers.

“You want yours?” she asked the Doctor quietly, surprised that Najia hadn't ambushed them yet. She appeared just as Yaz had slipped the fuzzy rainbow stripes over her foot and Yaz relaxed into a warm, maternal hug.

“How are you sweetheart, you look tired.”

“I’m fine mum, just tired from yesterday. It was a very intense process”

_And I can count on one hand the number of nights of unbroken sleep I’ve had the last few months._

Najia gave her a scrutinising look before moving onto the Doctor and asking permission before giving her a hug as well, remembering Yaz’s advice on the phone earlier that afternoon.

“And how are you love? We haven’t seen you for ages.”

“Fine thanks Najia.”

Najia, who had straightened up, raised her eyebrows making the Doctor squirm in a way only mothers could. She vividly remembered being slapped by Jackie Tyler after returning Rose home a year late. She didn’t think that was Najia’s style but you never knew with mums. Very protective of their daughters and rightly so.

“Well getting more fine anyway” she acquiesced.

Najia pursed her lips, examining them both, before stepping back and ushering them into the kitchen, not passing a comment on the Doctor’s snail like pace as she manoeuvred the bulky chair or how Yaz had to help her over the tiny lip between the wooden floor of the hallway and tiles of the kitchen.

“Doctor can you make the bread?” Najia asked, indicating the table where the ingredients and recipe were already set out. It was her usual task when she and Yaz were over for dinner and she swallowed nervously. Could she? One way to find out.

“Yaz love, I’m writing some policies for work. I know they’re boring, but would you mind proof reading it for me?”

“Now?” Yaz whined.

“Please love.”

“Urgh” Yaz sat down with a highlighter and a pen. She had been proof reading stuff for her mum since she was sixteen and it was always insanely boring. On the other hand, she got to sit next to the Doctor which meant if she needed a hand Yaz could give it to her without making a fuss. Which now she thought about it, was probably her mums intention. When her parents has stopped screaming excitedly down the phone at her earlier on, she had given them a quick run down of the Doctor’s current condition as the last time they had seen her she had been screaming her way through the flashback in the park.

“Where’s dad and Sonya?”

“Both at work. Sonya won't make it, but your dad should be home soon.”

Yaz poured over the list of policies her mum was drawing up for the new hotel. It was as boring as she expected, especially because it appeared that the Doctor was reasonably capable of following the instructions to make the simple bread. Which was great. but also meant she had no excuse not to concentrate. The Doctor was getting more adept at using her hands even though to her they were essentially frozen into one position. If she relaxed her wrists her fingers would uncurl and if she pulled them up then her fingers would tighten again, a trick she was beginning to use to her advantage. Plus, she was more adept at picking things up with her wrists and forearms and opening things with her teeth when her hands couldn’t manage.

In fact the only thing the Doctor struggled with in regards to making the bread was getting anywhere near a sink to wash her hands before and afterwards. Her large chair wouldn’t fit in the Khans tiny bathroom and she couldn’t lean forwards to wash her hands in the sink without flopping into it. Yaz ended up having to unstrap her chest strap and support her under her arms while she washed up, aware that Najia was watching their every move.

Najia continued to cook whatever it was that was simmering on the stove, it smelled incredible, while the Doctor did her best to clean up the flour on the table. When Hakim arrived home he set the table and a few minutes later they sat down to eat. It turned out that Najia had made a Biryani, Yaz’s favourite, and Hakim had been home late because he had stopped to collect a massive chocolate cake from Yaz’s favourite bakery in town.

During dinner, Najia quizzed Yaz on all aspects of her promotion, most of which Yaz didn’t know the answers too. The Doctor remained mostly silent, concentrating on eating the curry and rice without spilling it down herself. It was relatively easy to eat with her spoon from Sonya, especially as Najia had served hers in a bowl the way they did at home but she had quickly given up on the salad. If they had been at home she would have let Yaz help her, but there was no way she was going to be fed in front of Yaz’s parents.

The Doctor jumped slightly when Najia finished her inquisition of Yaz and turned to her.

“How’s work Doctor? You know I still don’t really know what you do…”

“Oh” she floundered for a moment trying to come up with something. “I’ve had to take some time off from my job, but I’ve been doing some private tutoring (Well she was tutoring Ryan) in the mean time.”

“And you’re doing that from Yaz’s house?”

“ _Our_ house mum. And its online except for teaching Ryan to play chess.”

“You play chess?” interjected Hakim excitedly.

“Oh dad that wasn’t an invitation for you to start hassling her.”

“What have I missed?” the Doctor asked, looking confused.

“Dad was a chess champion growing up and he is thoroughly disappointed that Sonya and I are both terrible players.”

“Is that why you always have something urgent to do if I suggest a game?”

“Partly. I couldn’t give you a decent game if I tried. And you’re way too competitive.”

“She won't even play Scrabble with me anymore” the Doctor moaned to Hakim.

“Because you won't stick to English. We don’t all speak multiple languages. You want to play Scrabble to improve your brain’s functioning skills. If it’s functioning enough to play nine different languages in one game, then you don’t need the game.”

“You’re just sad cause you lost.”

“Because you cheated!”

“I’ll play you at chess” Hakim offered.

The Doctor looked at Yaz uncertainly. Was this something she was supposed to do? She wasn’t sure.

“Go for it” Yaz encouraged. “It’ll be nice to see someone beat him for a change. Just make sure you do, he’s insufferable when he wins. Mind you, you’re pretty annoying whether you win or lose.”

The Doctor stuck her tongue out at her while Hakim disappeared to find his chess set. Yaz followed her mum into the kitchen to help with the dishes, grateful to escape the tedium of watching a chess match.

“How are you really doing love?” Najia asked when they were alone.

“I’m fine mum.”

“You’re exhausted Yaz. I know she’s been very sick hasn’t she? What’s happened? I know you warned me about how much she’s deteriorated but it was still a shock to see her tonight.”

Yaz sighed, leaning back against the counter, arms crossed over her chest. “We aren’t sure exactly. It stemmed from that seizure in the park a while ago, but we don’t know if that was a symptom or a catalyst. She’s doing better than she was but it’s still hard on us both.”

“I know. Ryan talks to Sonya and she tells us. Why don’t you talk to us Yaz?”

Yaz shrugged. “I feel like its her business I suppose” she offered lamely when Najia remained silent waiting for an answer.

“It’s not just her business though is it. Not when you’ve become her carer.”

“You’re not going to try and tell me to walk away are you? Don’t force me to make a choice mum, you wouldn’t like what I would decide.” Yaz warned.

“What? Yaz of course not. You two have been together for a long time. What I’m saying is that we’re your family. If you need help you can talk to us.”

“I’m fine mum.”

“Sonya told me you’re back on medication and waiting for counselling.”

“Sonya?... I’m going to kill Ryan.”

“She’s worried about you sweetheart.”

“Mum I’m okay. I know this isn’t exactly how I pictured life with the Doctor but we’re managing.”

“Sonya said you can't leave her in the house alone.”

“Not at the moment no. She’s still having seizures and she needs help with most aspects of taking care of herself. That’s why she didn’t eat the salad tonight, she couldn’t pick it up and didn’t want me to have to feed her in front of you.”

“We wouldn’t have minded you know.”

“I do but the Doctor would have.”

“That’s fair enough. I know you warned me last night, but she looks much worse than I was expecting. She seems okay in herself though. And I can understand her okay, you said her speech was affected.”

“Yeah. She had a bit of an upset this afternoon but her mental health is holding up reasonably well, or at least as much as it ever does. She sleeps a lot, usually a couple of hours every afternoon but she didn’t get much today. Her speech gets worse when she's tired.”

“What happened this afternoon?”

“I’m not sure exactly. I was at the dentist and Graham was with her, they don’t spend a lot of alone time together, he leaves all the caring stuff to Ryan and me. Anyway she was asleep in her other wheelchair, its horrible. I hate seeing her in it. Straps all over the place, head rest, she can’t control it on her own. But it tilts and reclines and she naps in it a lot. Anyway she was napping and he was outside but she had a nightmare and she definitely isn’t quiet during them but Graham never once checked on her. She was so frightened when she woke up, she was convinced the people who had hurt her had taken out Graham and were right behind her only she had no way to turn around and look. She was so scared she ended up triggering a seizure and threw up. I was so mad at Graham mum, basically threw him out of the house. She was reclined almost flat, all I could think of was how easily she could have choked when she was sick and I could have come home to find her dead…” Yaz trailed off, surprised to find she was crying and allowed herself to be wrapped up in a warm, comforting embrace from her mum, feeling for all the world like she was fourteen years old and Izzie Flint had started a rumour that she still wet the bed again.

“Oh sweetheart, this must be so hard for you.”

“The Doctor was always the most capable and independent person I knew and she was getting back to that point and then this happened. But I’m back to worrying about her constantly. How can I go out to work when I can’t even trust the people who are supposed to be keeping her safe to check that she’s alive every few hours?”

“It’s just not something everyone is comfortable with love. You can't blame him for it though he shouldn’t have agreed to it if he wasn’t comfortable. It sounds like taking care of her is a big responsibility.”

“It is. Even when she’s in the wheelchair she’s in now she isn’t particularly mobile. She’s having to learn to adapt but its slow going, she’s very weak physically. Really need to get her into a gym as well as the swimming but I haven’t been able to find one that’s quiet yet. She’s incredibly self-conscious and doesn’t cope well in crowded environments.”

“I can help you with that. The hotels opening is delayed but it’s ready to go. It’s workout facilities are already open to the public during office hours, you two can come in either before or after hours to work out in private? Or do you need specialised equipment?”

“Mum that’s amazing, thank-you. Specialised stuff would be nice, but we can make do.”

“I’m doing a lot from home until the hotel opens Yaz. If you just need someone to be in the house and make sure she’s safe I can do that. It’s not a problem. I want to be there for you both.”

“Thanks mum, I really appreciate it.”

At that moment Hakim wandered in, looking baffled and flicked on the kettle. “She can barely speak and couldn’t move her own pieces half the time. How did she completely thrash me?”

The doorbell rang shortly after lunch and the Doctor glanced at Yaz anxiously.

“Go and answer it” Yaz encouraged. “He’s not here to see me.”

“I don’t think he wants to see me either particularly.”

“Give him a chance to talk Doctor.”

The Doctor sighed but made her way to the front door, opening it with her wrist to let Graham in. He was standing sheepishly on the doorstep. The Doctor couldn’t remember the last time he had used the bell as she moved out of the way and ushered him into living room ahead of her. Yaz transferred her onto the sofa and moved the wheelchair out of the way before clearing off to the kitchen. Far enough away to give them privacy, close enough to intervene if she needed to. Not that she thought she would need to, they just needed to have a conversation. Some of her own anger had mellowed after her chat with her mum the evening before.

The Doctor had very deliberately decided to answer the door herself, not something she normally did as she was always anxious about who might be on the other side, and sit on the sofa even though her wheelchair was more supportive and therefore more comfortable. It provided a sense of normality and she hoped Graham would be more able to talk to her without the huge visual reminder of her current condition. 

Never one for tact, the Doctor jumped straight in. “Have I offended you in some way Graham? Done something to upset you? I didn’t mean to but I’ve been wracking my brains to think of what I’ve done.”

“What? No, Doc you haven’t. Not at all.”

“Then what’s the problem? I don’t expect you to do what Yaz does but you don’t seem to even want to be in the same room as me anymore.”

To her great surprise, Graham became emotional. He wasn’t crying but he was struggling. She managed to reach over to the side table next to her and hand him the box of tissues that were resting on it.

“I don’t know if I ever told you this Doc, but Grace… she broke her neck when she fell. That’s why she died. They told me that if she had lived she would… well she’d be a little like you right now but worse. She wouldn’t have been able to move at all, probably would have required a ventilator. Needed round the clock care and she would have had very little possibility for improvement. And at the time all I could think of was how I wouldn’t have cared and I would have looked after for every second of every day for the rest of my life if it meant I still got to be with her but now… watching you and Yaz, I know that I wouldn’t have been able to do it.”

Graham paused, blowing his nose noisily. The Doctor watched him quietly, respectfully, sensing that he wasn’t finished.

“When you were really sick, watching you and Yaz, it got me thinking about it a lot. She was having to turn you ever few hours, feed you, all the personal stuff…. And you were in so much pain. All I could think about was how that’s what my life would have been with Grace if she had lived and I… I… I felt so relieved that it wasn’t. Because I’m not strong enough Doc. I couldn’t have done it, now I have a little more idea about what would have been involved. And I'm not sure she would have wanted to live like that anyway. And it just makes me feel so guilty.”

“Graham… you know Grace’s injuries weren’t survivable don’t you? Apart from the broken neck she had sustained catastrophic internal damage from the electricity.” she asked gently.

Graham nodded and Yaz appeared from nowhere, passing the Doctor her water bottle and pressing a mug of tea into Graham’s shaky hands, sitting down next to him and giving him a hug.

“Thought you were angry with me Yaz” he mumbled, pulling away.

“I am. But I’m not a monster, you need a cuppa and a hug.”

“I’m sorry about yesterday Doc, I should have made sure you were alright.”

“You know I hate having to rely on any of you for anything Graham but I do. I would never force any of you to do something you're not comfortable with though, you should have talked to us about this sooner.”

“I know, and I am sorry. I want to be here for you both but I think my talents lie in making tea and giving out hugs and looking after the house. I’m sorry. I just can’t get Grace out of my head at the moment. She would be so disappointed in me.”

“No she wouldn’t Graham. She would be so proud of you. You’ve done so much and you don’t even recognise it. You had a lapse of judgement yesterday but I’m fine.”

Yaz wrapped an arm around his shoulder. “Don’t be silly Graham. Grace could never be disappointed in you and those things are important too. I’ve lost track of the number of your jumpers that I’ve cried all over.”

They were interrupted by Yaz’s phone ringing from the kitchen, it was her work number and she jumped up to answer it.

“I want to help you Doc, to help all three of you but I’m not sure I even know how.”

“Graham, if you’re up for it, there is something you could help me with, but you can't tell Yaz…” the Doctor said with a mischievous grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter we'll see some faces we haven't seen for a while...


	62. Chapter 62

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote fluff!!!!!
> 
> (I think)

When Yaz woke up, the sun was streaming through the window. She stretched, enjoying the pleasant sensation of waking naturally from a good night’s sleep and her eyes caught sight of the Doctor. She was lying completely still.

Way too still.

And it was morning and she hadn't woken them with her nightmares.

Yaz sat bolt upright, her morning serenity already gone.

With shaking hands, she reached out and touched the Doctor’s hand.

It was cold and she didn’t flinch.

Yaz felt her chest tighten in fear.

_Stop it, she's always cold. Check her pulse._

Yaz tentatively, hesitantly, reached upwards towards the Doctor’s neck, stealing herself to feel for a pulse.

Settling her fingers just under the Doctor’s jaw, Yaz burst into tears.

A steady, twin heartbeat drummed reassuringly under her fingers.

The Doctor opened her eyes, blinking blearily at Yaz in bewilderment.

Yaz fell forwards and the Doctor gathered her tightly in her arms, utterly confused. 

“What’s the matter?” she asked, her voice full of concern, slurring slightly in her still sleepy state.

“You’re okay.”

“Of course I am, why wouldn’t I be?”

“You didn’t wake me during the night for the first time in ages and then I woke up and you were so still and so cold I had to check your pulse.” She explained, her voice trembling with emotion.

“Yaz I’ve had barely any voluntary movement for weeks. And I’m always cold compared to you.”

“I know.”

The Doctor wiped Yaz’s tears away with the heel of her hand. She pulled her in a little closer and kissed her on the temple where she could most easily reach her.

“I’m fine Yaz. We’re both fine.” She soothed her, carding her fingers through Yaz’s hair, thankful that so far her body was cooperating with her. Usually they could tell what kind of day she was going to have within the first few minutes of her waking up based on how well her body responded to what she asked it to do. Today was so far so good.

“We should do something nice this morning, just the two of us.” The Doctor suggested softly. “We haven’t had much alone time the last few weeks.” It was true, Ryan or Graham were with them nearly all the time now though they were both working that Saturday. Ryan would be joining them for their first proper gym session that afternoon and Graham was coming later… though Yaz didn’t know that.

They had expected him to withdraw after his conversation with the Doctor five days previously, but he hadn't. If anything the opposite was true, as if a weight had been lifted from him. The Doctor had forgiven him more easily than Yaz had, but then again she hadn't been the one to come home and find her girlfriend in a screaming wreck, covered in her own vomit and totally confused in the aftermath of a seizure. Even a week later, Yaz’s blood went cold when she thought about what had almost happened.

“That sounds nice, did you have anything in mind?”

“Not really. But we can’t get into the gym until half five, so we’ve got all day. Is there anything you fancy?”

Yaz contemplated for a moment. “Would you be up for a drive?”

“Sure. What are you thinking?”

“Don’t laugh.” Yaz warned. “When I was a teenager and I was… struggling… I was supposed to go to Saturday tutoring. But Izzie Flint was there, and I just couldn’t hack it. So I used to catch the bus to the coast and spend the day wandering around the aquarium or eating fish and chips and doughnuts on the pier, maybe a paddle or walk along the sand. It was such a calm place for me at the time.”

“That sounds perfect Yaz, show me your teenage haunts.”

“OK. Just five more minutes like this though? I’m comfortable.”

“You can stay like this as long as you like Yaz, always.”

She adjusted her arm to make it more comfortable and enjoyed the comfortable weight of Yaz half lying on top of her. Her own life couldn’t exactly be described as hectic but Yaz’s was and she was often stressed and the Doctor loved it when they got time to just be the two of them. She loved Ryan and Graham and it was ironic that just as she had learned that her planet was destroyed, that she was welcomed into a new family and a new life but being with Yaz was her favourite. Yaz made her feel a confusing mix of being happy and safe and relaxed and excited all at the same time. By very nature of being essentially quadriplegic in her current condition, she had been forced to slow down just as her life had been picking up again. And while saying she was happy with the situation might have been a bit of a stretch, she was content, especially as she was continuing to make improvements.

Her balance was improving significantly and just yesterday Yaz had helped her try her prosthetic on for the first time since they had been to the zoo. It was, as expected, far too big for her now as she had lost so much more weight and even a combination of all the prosthetic socks and silicone liners she owned hadn’t been enough to pad it out. Yaz had helped her set up an appointment with Dave again for a new cast of her stump, but she was probably going to need a whole new leg. And then if she did manage to get back on her feet she would most likely need yet another one as the muscles reformed and grew in strength. The Doctor had argued that considering that she still couldn’t sit independently, had little to no movement or strength in her left leg and severely limited strength in her arms to hold herself up on crutches, getting a new prosthetic was a bit ludicrous. Yaz had pointed out that she had gone from being totally unable to move or speak to feeding herself, managing some beginning self care skills and was sitting with less and less support so it made sense to have a leg ready. Plus it would take five to seven weeks to get an appointment and then she would have to wait for the new leg to be made. 

It had been slightly bizarre to watch Yaz play around with her stump for the best part of an hour while she hadn't been able to feel it. She had pretty good, reasonably reliable sensation up and down her arms and chest, as she got more towards her stomach it became patchy, light touches there often hurt but deep pressure was okay. Any further down it was even more limited. She couldn’t feel anything below the approximate level of her hips if she wasn’t looking but she got a little input if she was. It was about the same with what parts of her body she could control really.

Two hours later the Doctor could detect a definite salty tang in the air which indicated to her that they must be nearing the coast and their ultimate destination. It was a hot day and they had the windows rolled down and the radio playing loudly. Yaz had got them both washed and dressed as quickly as she could, with an hours drive to the coast and a deadline to be back by half five it wouldn’t be worth going if they hadn't got a shift on. While the Doctor had finished the slow process of feeding herself tea and toast, Yaz had packed what seemed like half their possessions into the car – her cutlery, water bottle, gym clothes for them both as well as something clean for afterwards all the things people typically needed for the beach… it was a lot. She had reluctantly decided to go in the bigger of the two wheelchairs, she would most likely fall asleep at some point and it was more comfortable when she would be sitting in it all day. Even if she did go in the smaller chair she wouldn’t be able to push herself far anyway.

When they arrived Yaz pulled into an accessible parking space and easily transferred the Doctor into the waiting wheelchair in one smooth, practiced movement and headed into the cool, dim atmosphere of the aquarium. It was a blessed relief after the hot, stuffy car. The Doctor tried very hard not to be offended when the spotty teenager at the till didn’t even ask what tickets they wanted and just put them through as a disabled adult and free carer. At least she wasn’t offered a colouring book this time, that had happened on one memorable occasion when she and Yaz had been out for dinner and that had been before she was using the Beast.

The aquarium wasn’t huge though it was relatively busy. Once again, Yaz got way overexcited by the penguins and they spent a pleasant half hour in the sun watching their antics. Their next stop was the touch tank and Yaz helped the Doctor straighten out her hands enough to hold a starfish and a crab before they went through the underwater tunnel and enjoyed the sharks swimming lazily over their heads. Their last stop was the seal sanctuary where they watched three orphaned seals being fed and one injured seal who was getting ready to be released back into the wild receive physiotherapy.

When they had had their fill of the aquarium Yaz pushed the Doctor up the hill to the promenade that ran along the sea front and they stopped for portions of fish and chips. Yaz parked the Doctor’s chair beside a stone wall which she climbed up on and they sat, drinking in the view.

Although she seemed happy, the Doctor noticed that Yaz had seemed pensive all morning, ever since her fright first thing.

“Everything alright Yaz?” she asked.

“Hmmm…” asked Yaz distractedly “What? Oh yeah I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? You’re really quiet today.”

“Just been a long time since I was last here, brought back some memories.”

“What happened?” the Doctor probed.

“I was just eighteen I think? I had just been accepted into the police for when I finished school and Izzie had found out. She went round telling people that I had only been hired to fill some diversity quota and that they must have been really desperate to hire me. It was far from the worst thing she had ever done to me, but it just hit me at a low point.”

“I’m really sorry you had to go through that Yaz.”

Yaz shrugged, never one to be comfortable with sympathy.

“If this place is bringing back bad memories we can go, we don’t have to stay all day.”

“No, I want to stay. This is a beautiful place and I want it to have nice memories too.”

“You know what Izzie said isn’t true don’t you? You're amazing at your job Yaz. You’re one of the youngest sergeants in Sheffield and that’s after you took nearly a year off to look after me, now you’re being fast tracked to Detective and work in a really specialised unit.”

“I know I’m good at my job… but is it bad that I would love the opportunity to arrest Izzie for something?”

The Doctor snorted. “Nah. That just means she’s an asshole.”

“Well part of me wants to arrest her, the other part hopes I never ever see her again.”

“She has no power over you anymore Yaz, remember that.”

“I know. I did better in my exams than she did. I have a good job that I’m proud of. I have my own house and I’m saving to buy as well. I have good friends and the best girlfriend I could ask for. I’ve travelled the universe but she will always be a pathetic bully.”

The Doctor wasn’t sure she was a particularly good girlfriend, she needed round the clock care and wasn’t exactly contributing much to their relationship at the moment other than complications.

“What do you fancy after lunch she asked?” she asked, changing the subject and looking forlornly at her last chip that she had just dropped on the ground after a sudden, single spasm wracked her arm.

“I think there’s a spot where you can rent beach wheelchairs if you fancy it? We could go down to the sand, maybe paddle? It’s so hot. And then ice-cream because I’m not leaving without one! There’s a wee café we’ll pass on the way back to the car that does the most incredible hand made ice-cream.”

“Should have brought the buckets and spades” the Doctor quipped, allowing Yaz to swap the greasy chip papers in her hands for a wet wipe to clean herself up before Yaz took the whole lot to the bin. The Doctor couldn’t help but watch her walk away, she looked incredible in her denim shorts and relaxed fit, white, lacy t-shirt.

Yaz was right, and it turned out the rental spot was easy to find. The chair they rented was bright blue with enormously fat, bulbous wheels. Yaz transferred her over and produced two gait belts from her bag to stap the Doctor in. They were able to leave the Beast behind safely in the rental shop and headed straight for the sea.

“I love paddling” Yaz said excitedly. “Especially when Sonya isn’t here. She always used to tip buckets of water over my head.”

“She and Ryan must be made for each other, you know he would still do the same.”

Yaz giggled. “He definitely would. And he would do it while we’re fully clothed. At least Sonya waited until I was in my cossie.”

They had reached the edge of the water and Yaz moved the Doctor’s foot plate and rolled her trouser leg up, letting her leg dangle, and pushed her in a little further so the water would swirl around her ankle with the waves.

“Bloody hell it’s freezing!” she shrieked, scowling at Yaz who had burst out laughing.

“What did you expect Doctor? It might be June but it’s still the Atlantic!”

“Aren’t you cold?” the Doctor asked, looking at Yaz in horror who had the water swirling almost up to her knees.

“Nope. Been so hot all day I'm enjoying it. Didn’t think you got cold?”

“I don’t normally but it’s like ice!”

She fidgeted slightly in discomfort, managing to lift her foot out of the icy water for a moment of relief before dropping it back in.

“What did you just do?” Yaz asked quietly.

“Tried to escape the frigid water my supposedly loving girlfriend just dumped me in!”

“No, you moved your leg! You haven’t moved your leg in weeks!”

“Oh yeah! So I did!” she said delightedly, her discomfort from the cold water dissipating instantly as she hugged Yaz tightly in celebration.

“Hey!” Yaz complained, realising what the Doctor had said. “I didn’t dump you anywhere!”

“Did too!”

“Watch it or your supposedly loving girlfriend will dump all of you in the sea if you’re not careful” Yaz threatened. It was an empty threat she hoped, Yaz would never betray her trust like that. Probably.

A particularly large wave rolled in and splashed them, soaking the Doctor almost to the waist, her mouth falling open in a comical ‘o’ of shock as she let out a most uncharacteristic, high pitched shriek. Beside her Yaz, who was relatively dry was having to hold herself up by hanging onto the side of the wheelchair she was laughing so hard.

“Yaaaaaz!” the Doctor whined, looking more disgruntled as Yaz only laughed harder. She screwed up her face in concentration, willing her leg to move again and managed to aim a weak kick in Yaz’s direction, splashing her a little more.

“You didn’t!” Yaz growled.

The Doctor did it again, a mischievous glint in her eye.

“Doctor!”

Yaz aimed a kick back, it wasn’t like she was going to make the Doctor much wetter, but she mistimed it hopelessly and somehow ended up falling over in the shallow water. When she emerged, spluttering and blinking salt from her eyes, the Doctor had flopped over at the waist and was gasping for breath as she laughed, tears streaking down her face.

“Oh you’re so for it!”

Yaz reached up and unbuckled the gait belt that was keeping her strapped into the chair.

“Yaz! No! Yaz, what are you doing? Yaz!” the Doctor protested, still laughing as Yaz held her tightly around the waist and pulled her into the sea though refrained from dunking her completely.

“Worst girlfriend ever” she muttered, utterly drenched to the skin and attempting to flick water at Yaz who was behind her, still holding her safely at the waist.

“You’ve got a swimsuit on and dry clothes on the beach, stop moaning” Yaz said, shutting her up by turning her round and kissing her.

They spent a while in the water, laughing and splashing each other like teenagers. They quickly discovered that despite how good the Doctor was at sitting in a swimming pool, that didn’t translate into sitting in the sea when she was easily overbalanced by a small wave and Yaz kept a very tight hold of her after that.

After a while it really was starting to get chilly and they headed back up the beach, managing to find a quiet spot. Yaz stripped them both down to their bathing suits and lifted the Doctor onto the blanket she had spread out on the sand. She spread their soaked clothes out over the back of the beach chair to dry in the hot weather. It was still early, only just after one, so they would dry quickly in the hottest part of the day. Yaz pulled their books out and lay down beside the Doctor.

“Urgh I need to roll over to read like this” she commented, though really she was asking.

Yaz offered her a hand and the Doctor used it to start the tricky process of rolling from her front to her back. She was generally pretty hopeless at it and inevitably got stuck half way without stomach or leg muscles to help but today, with the new addition of her leg muscles apparently behaving themselves, she managed to kick herself all the way over, even if she did end up with one arm trapped underneath her.

Yaz resisted the urge to giggle at the ridiculous position she had ended up in and instead helped her free herself, watching with pride as the Doctor then managed to prop herself up on her elbows and hold her book open with her wrists.

They lay there for an two hours, enjoying the sun and the pleasant peace of each other’s company before Yaz wandered off to get them ice-creams. She walked as quickly as she could, anxious about leaving the Doctor lying on the ground on her own, essentially marooning her, but although there were plenty of people on the beach, it wasn’t crowded and no one had spared them a second glance all day.

When she arrived back ten minutes later, with two ice-creams in her hand, the Doctor (unsurprisingly) hadn't moved, but she was still pouring contentedly over her book. Yaz helped her onto her back and stuffed the beach bag behind her, handing her the cone filled with chocolate ice-cream that was adorned with marshmallows, chocolate sauce and two flakes. It made her own unadorned Pooh Bear ice-cream in a tub look very plain.

“This ice-cream is amazing Yaz” the Doctor eulogised.

“Told you so.”

“Someday I’ll have to take you to the planet of Weppes. They’re famous for their ice-cream.” The Doctor said absently, concentrating on catching the drips that were working their way down the cone with her tongue.

Yaz looked at her in surprise. The Doctor hadn't talked about travelling for a long time. As far as Yaz knew, she hadn't even looked at her work to find the TARDIS for months. Actually now she thought about it, the last time Yaz had seen her work on it was before her birthday last November, after that she and Ryan had been working together on his stuff and the last few weeks she had been too sick to do anything. Yaz strongly suspected she wasn’t ready to travel again yet. Well, she knew she wasn’t ready. At a bare minimum she needed to be able to look after herself from a wheelchair but ideally she needed to be back on her feet, have her seizures under control, be more able to deal with problems that arose and her PTSD would need to be less easily triggered.

Yaz hummed non-committedly, looking at her watch to make sure they still had time to get back for their gym session.

When she finished her ice-cream Yaz reluctantly wrapped herself in a towel and undressed beneath it, putting on her clean, dry gym clothes. The heat of the day had dried her shorts and t-shirt but they were crusty with salt.

The Doctor sighed as she saw what Yaz was doing and reluctantly finished her own ice-cream and allowed Yaz to dress her in her own gym clothes.

“I wish we could stay here for ever” she admitted slowly, holding a towel in front of her chest for modesty while Yaz fastened her sports bra.

“We’ll come back” Yaz promised. “This beach is nothing special though.”

“Maybe not, but I haven’t felt as happy as I feel right now in a long time Yaz.”

Yaz had to agree, it had been a pretty perfect day despite its frightening start. Grudgingly, she scooped the Doctor back into the beach chair, picked up the last of their belongings from the sand and started heading back towards the rental shop to get the Doctor’s own wheelchair back and head back to reality.

The roads were busier on the way back as they hit Sheffield just as people were heading home from work. Unusually, the Doctor was playing on her phone, tapping the screen with her knuckles for a while before falling asleep, while Yaz concentrated on navigating the busy traffic. It was always easier when she was in her squad car, people were generally too afraid to cut her off and were on their best behaviour.

They were only a few minutes late to the hotel; Najia hadn't left yet and Ryan had already arrived. He greeted both women with a hug and Najia kissed them both on the cheek. They had the gym for an hour and a half when the caretaker would leave, he knew they were there and wouldn’t lock them in or anything but they needed to not annoy him by being late.

As they had changed at the beach, they were able to follow Najia straight to the gym. She gave them a quick tour and showed them the accessible changing space as well as the regular ones, announcing proudly that she had persuaded her manager to add in a Changing Spaces changing room as well as Changing Spaces bathrooms with ceiling hoists into the bedrooms in several downstairs suites and a Changing Spaces bathroom for the public as well, situated near the restaurant. The Doctor was touched, knowing it was inspired by her, and also that the opening of the hotel would be more comfortable when she and Yaz were invited to that in a few weeks time.

Najia’s phone rang and she waved them goodbye, leaving them alone. The Doctor, Yaz and Ryan started the way they always did, lowering the Doctor to the floor on a yoga mat and giving her a good stretch to warm up her muscles.

They had planned that the first thing they would try was the stationary bicycle. It had a full, supportive seat as she would never be able to balance on a regular one. Yaz had been nervous about it but the kicking the Doctor had been doing in the sea bode well for its success.

Between them, Yaz and Ryan lifted the Doctor in a two person transfer onto the bicycle and Yaz strapped her in with the gait belt which was dry after its dip in the sea though a little salty and Ryan, who was on her left, secured her foot to the pedal. They swapped places and Ryan stood behind the Doctor, ready to catch her if she overbalanced while Yaz sat on the floor beside the empty pedal.

“I’m going to work the empty pedal for you Doctor” Yaz reminded her “But you’re going to put as much effort as you can into working the other one with your left leg. I’ll help you from this side if you need it.”

Yaz gave her a moment but nothing happened. Yaz started slowly turning the empty pedal and noticed that Ryan had to take hold of The Doctor’s shoulders to steady her almost immediately. However as she kept turning the pedal, the Doctor’s face screwed up as she concentrated, and slowly, very slowly Yaz could feel the Doctor taking a tiny bit of the slack, pushing with her leg independently, just a little. Yaz felt like she could have cried. And when they had done fifteen minutes she hugged the Doctor tightly in celebration. It was essentially the same movement she had managed in the sea earlier in the day, but she had been able to keep it up.

Their next stop was the rowing machine which once again had a proper seat. Yaz and Ryan secured her in carefully and both balanced on small, wheeled stools that personal trainers often used. Ryan was once again steadying her at her back while Yaz was helping her bend and straighten her knee. She was doing all of the work this time, but she was pleased to notice that the Doctor was sweating all over, she didn’t sweat from areas that she wasn’t actively working.

They finished by using the weights and some basic balance exercises to help her build up her core before winding up with another stretch and a brief massage. As soon as they made it to the changing rooms, Ryan excused himself, citing a date with Sonya and hurried off, shooting the Doctor a huge grin.

“You were amazing tonight Doctor. I’ll see you again for this Monday?”

She nodded in confirmation, too out of breath to answer and Yaz took her through to the showers.

They beat the caretaker out by a few minutes. The Doctor had fallen asleep while Yaz had showered and changed, wanting to try out the luxury rainfall showers rather than waiting for her comparatively crummy one at home. She barely stirred as Yaz pushed her out to the car and was too sleepy to cooperate as Yaz transferred her, making it a more precarious manoeuvre than normal. Yaz wasn’t particularly surprised, she had only had a short nap on the way back from the beach and her day had been active with the swimming and intense gym workout. Her battered brain needed a lot of rest to cope with everyday life. Yaz turned the radio down low, not wanting to disturb her, as they drove home. It had been a wonderful day and she was looking forward to getting home and having a lazy evening. She was pretty sure there was a frozen pizza hiding at the back of the freezer which would save her from cooking. Maybe they could watch a film or sit outside for a while.

There was an accident on the road which turned the half hour drive into one closer to an hour but Yaz still had to wake the Doctor from a sound sleep when they got home. If they had already had dinner, she would have probably just taken her up to bed but they hadn't and the Doctor needed to eat. Hopefully she would agree to a nutritional milkshake as well to replace some of what she had burned off that afternoon.

The Doctor watched Yaz in utter confusion, drooling slightly, as she set up the wheelchair beside the car door, and Yaz gave her a moment as she slowly woke up and realised where she was and what was going on. Yaz could tell when it happened as the Doctor sat up straighter and blinked hard as if to clear the fog from her brain.

“Back with me?” Yaz asked, handing her a tissue for her mouth from the packet she kept in the glove compartment.

“Yeah, sorry about that.” Her words were a little slurred but not enough to make Yaz worry.

“You need a minute before you move?” Yaz asked gently, she was often dizzy when she was confused.

The Doctor reached out, grabbing Yaz’s arm for support and nodded. Yaz crouched down beside her, giving her a moment to collect herself and waiting patiently for the dizzy spell to pass.

“Okay, I’m okay now” she said after a few minutes, unstrapping herself and allowing Yaz to transfer her into the waiting wheelchair. Her voice was stronger as she suggested to Yaz that they go out and enjoy the last of the evening sun in preparation for the thunder storms that were due to roll in overnight and ruin it.

Yaz agreed easily, having been thinking the same thing on the way home and took the Doctor through the house, pausing when she noticed the curtain over the back door was shut. She was sure she had opened them that morning and remarked as such to the Doctor who insisted that she hadn’t.

Shrugging it off Yaz opened the door and spun the Doctor’s chair around so she could take her out backwards down the step like she always did. She nearly dropped the Doctor in fright when there was an excited squeal from behind her and Yaz turned them both round quickly, her jaw dropping at the sight that met her eyes.

Her small, uninteresting garden had been transformed by fairy lights twinkling from the fences and lanterns that were already lit on tables that definitely weren’t hers. There were blankets on the floor and tables and chairs that she recognised set up. Standing there were her parents and Sonya, her Nani, Ryan and Graham, Jennifer and Lucy and Maisie and her foster mum Carole. Maisie was holding a big, hand painted poster that said “Congratulations Sergeant Yaz!”

Yaz turned round and glared at the Doctor accusingly. “Did you do this?”

“Ummm yes?” she offered, worried she had done the wrong thing.

“Thank-you” Yaz whispered, cupping her face gently and kissing her hard, aware that she was being watched by her family and friends.

“Is this okay?”

“More than okay” Yaz reassured her, getting up from where she had been half sitting on the Doctors lap.

“Go say hi to people” the Doctor encouraged as Ryan appeared to take over with her. It wouldn’t be easy for Yaz to socialise while also pushing her around the garden. The Doctor vaguely thought about asking him to transfer her into the smaller chair but she couldn’t push it over grass anyway and she was so tired. Thankfully she didn’t need to say anything and Ryan took her over to a quiet corner of the garden and kept her company, watching as Yaz happily flitted around her friends and family.

Half an hour after they arrived home Graham disappeared for a while and later reappeared staggering under the weight of multiple boxes of pizza, garlic bread, wedges and salad he had picked up from Yaz’s favourite pizzeria on the edge of town. Everyone swarmed around the food excitedly, though none more so than Maisie who apparently didn’t get to eat junk food very often. Yaz elected to sit on one of the picnic blankets, leaving the chairs for the older adults. At her request she lifted the Doctor down to join her where she leaned against Yaz’s chest and they were quickly joined by Maisie who could always be relied upon to want to be wherever the Doctor was if she was given the choice.

“How’s school Maisie?” the Doctor asked with interest as she slowly ate her slice of garlic bread.

“Why do you still sound funny?” Maisie demanded crossly. “I can't understand you, you're stupid. Yaz said you were getting better when she came to see me.” She turned her attention to Yaz. “You _said_ she was getting better!”

“Maisie that was very unkind” Yaz reprimanded. “Do you remember how I explained to you how Jane’s brain was hurt?”

“But you said she was getting better” Maisie whined.

“I am getting better Maisie but my brain will always be hurt. Yaz can't make it better and neither can the doctors.”

“But that’s not fair.” She said angrily, crossing her arms across her chest.

“Maisie come here sweetheart” the Doctor commanded gently.

Maisie shook her head stubbornly, pouting.

“Maisie you know I can’t come to you, come here, you need a hug.”

Maisie glared at her for another moment before giving in and crawling over, clambering awkwardly onto the Doctor’s lap.

“If your brain can't get better does that mean mine can't get better too?” she whispered.

“What do you mean love?”

“I keep thinking about the bad stuff my daddy did. Sometimes I think I see him even though Yaz put him in jail. Sometimes he comes and sees me in my dreams.”

The Doctor knew Maisie wasn’t sleeping well at the moment, plagued by nightmares from her past.

“I still have nightmares too sweetheart, but they will get better. You need to keep talking to Carole and Yaz and your therapist and me and that will help you, but you can’t make those things go away. But you’re super string Maisie, you’re so much stronger than your horrible memories. Some day they won’t make you feel so bad inside.”

“I’m sorry Jane, what I said was mean. You don’t sound that funny, just a little bit but I can understand you.”

“I know sweetheart.” The Doctor swept Maisie’s hair out of her eyes and placed her hands against Maisie’s temples. The little girls eyes fluttered shut almost instantly.

“What did you do?” whispered Yaz.

“Put her into a dreamless sleep. She and Carole both need a night off.”

“If you can do that, why don’t you do it for yourself? Last night was your first full nights sleep in I don’t even know how long.”

“Can't use my telepathy on myself. Doesn’t work like that. I can make it so I won't wake you though if you want me to.”

“Don’t you dare. I'm here to support you Doctor, even if that’s at three in the morning.”

At that moment Carole appeared and collected Maisie. It was getting late anyway and she easily picked her up to carry her out to the car.

The next person to go was Jennifer. Lucy had been asleep in a corner of the garden for a while and she hugged Yaz where she was, congratulating her once again and shook the Doctor’s hand. She was followed by Graham who was taking Umbreen home. Yaz hadn't got to see much of her Nani that night and she promised that she and the Doctor would take her out for dinner one evening during the week to make up for it.

By the time Yaz had said all her goodbyes the Doctor had fallen asleep again, her head resting on Yaz’s thigh. With Ryan’s help, Yaz eased herself out from underneath her and covered her with an extra blanket before going to spend a few minutes with her parents who had started to clear up the mess.

“We’re so proud of you sweetheart” said Najia, hugging her tightly.

“Thanks mum.”

“Is the Doctor alright?” Hakim asked, indicating where she was sleeping on the grass.

“She’s fine dad. We’re both really good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you ready for a bit of a time jump?


	63. Chapter 63

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again sorry for the delay, don't know why chapters are taking so long at the moment. Hope this one is OK. I've spent a large part of the last week on heavy duty painkillers for chronic arthritis pain so I don't even know if this makes sense anymore, hope it does. And hopefully the word count can make up for the delay, I could have split it into two chapters but I decided you had all waited long enough.

“You’ve been a sergeant for ten weeks Yaz, how are you finding the extra responsibilities?” Jennifer asked, wearing her serious face as she was completing Yaz’s yearly review. It was early June and Yaz was trying to concentrate despite the oppressive, stuffy heat in Jennifer’s office.

“I’ve really enjoyed being able to take more on and it’s great being in the office a bit more this week.” Yaz replied sincerely. She had changed her hours again, she was now doing two twelve hour shifts as she had been before but she was also now doing two short five hour shifts in the office and a final six hour shift from home.

“Are you prepared for Maisie’s trial?”

“Yes, it’s my first big trial so I’m a bit nervous if I’m honest but Vera’s been helping me prep.” Vera was a veteran of the force, a detective for more than ten years and second in command after Jennifer. She looked more like someone’s grandmother than a detective and her old fashioned values grated on Yaz a bit but she was excellent at her job and happy to share her knowledge with Yaz and Arthur, the youngest members of their team.

“And you’re all set for the conference next week?”

“What? I thought I didn’t have to go to that, I thought it wasn’t compulsory?” Yaz said, panicked.

“It wasn’t when you were in uniform but now you’ve been promoted we really need you there Yaz.”

“I can’t leave Jane for days on end, she wouldn’t cope.” Yaz protested.

“She’s home on her own now isn’t she?”

“Yeah but this is a five hour shift, big difference between this and leaving her alone for days.”

“Yaz I’ve been incredibly lenient with you and your work schedule, but I really need you at this conference. You’ve known about this for four months. I need you to make it work.”

Yaz nodded, her mind already whirring. Who could stay with the Doctor – Ryan could probably do at least some of the days but he couldn’t do her personal care. She still hadn't forgiven Graham after the last time he had stayed with the Doctor solo. Her mum? Potential, but she had never done any care before and again, she wouldn’t be able to stay for days on end. Their circle was small, they really didn’t have back-up. Yaz vaguely wondered if she could phone in sick but Jennifer would see right through it. And she didn’t actually want to miss out. She would have to talk to the Doctor when she got home.

“Yaz?” Yaz realised she had been zoning out.

“Sorry Jennifer, I’ll do everything I can to be there. I do want to be there, but Jane is my priority and she has to be safe and well.”

“How are things at home at the moment? Don’t think we’ve really had a chat since she planned that party for your promotion.”

“Up and down” Yaz shrugged. “We’re doing a lot of physio. Weird leaving her at home alone, even for a few hours though. She’s got a seizure alert bracelet she wears, if she has one it triggers an alarm on my phone and if I don’t answer it within 30 seconds it alerts our friend Ryan, followed by our friend Graham and finally my mum but even when the alarm stops going my phone will buzz every thirty seconds until I acknowledge it. Only thing is it goes off every time she has a spasm too and she doesn’t always remember to cancel it.”

“Well at least you know it works” Jennifer offered with a smile.

“True. She hasn’t had a seizure for a fortnight but before this she had seven in two days until we figured out what the problem was.”

“And how’s her wrist, is the cast off yet? Seems like she can never catch a break.”

Yaz blinked, confused before she caught up. The Doctor genuinely had broken her wrist a few weeks ago when Ryan had been transferring her from her wheelchair to the sofa and she had been wracked by a spasm that had travelled up her entire left side. Thankfully, due to her Time Lord healing abilities it had only taken a week to heal during which time Yaz had braced it for her very firmly and the Doctor didn’t seem too traumatised by the incident. Ryan on the other hand… she could understand how he felt, the last time the Doctor had had a broken bone she had ended up with an amputation.

“Yeah it’s off, it was only minor and she’s fine. Ryan hasn’t touched her since though, he’s dyspraxic and blames himself even though Jane doesn’t blame him at all. It wasn’t his fault, if it had happened while I was transferring her I would have most likely dropped her too. She just fell awkwardly.”

It was true, it had just been unfortunate timing. Ryan hadn't even risked lifting her off the floor after it happened, making her comfortable where she had fallen instead while they waited for Yaz to race home from work. But before that incident, he had brought her down the stairs on his mornings with her and would happily take her upstairs for a nap so she didn’t have to sleep in her chair but now he refused, wouldn’t even lift her when they were at the gym or pool unless they were doing a two person transfer and even then he would only take the Doctor’s feet and not her head. They had all talked to him about on separate occasions but as of yet, he hadn’t budged.

“I dropped Lucy once” Jennifer sympathised. “I was lifting her out of the bath and she was wet and slippery and screaming and twisting and she just went out of my arms and fell to the floor. Cracked her head on the tiles and had to call an ambulance. I still haven’t forgiven myself, I can understand how your friend feels.”

“I thought Jane coped really well. She has major trust issues and even though I knew she wouldn’t blame Ryan, I thought she would have more issues trusting him again, but she still lets him help with physio and with hydrotherapy and stuff.”

“Is she still making improvements? Last time I saw her she was in that massive wheelchair like Lucy’s.”

Yaz smiled. “Yeah she’s making fantastic progress. We still have that chair, we call it the Beast. If she’s having a lot of pain or seizure activity or even just really tired she still uses it but most of the time she’s using her own wheelchair again. Never thought I would be happy to see her use it.” Yaz rubbed her nose, embarrassed by the admission.

“It’s okay to miss the person she was Yaz, doesn’t mean you love her any less now.”

“It’s weird, she’s never been able to sit still. She doesn’t have family and has never stayed in one place for long, grew up in a long succession of foster homes, we met while travelling and travelled together for a while. And even though she's the least mobile she’s ever been physically but also mentally because in the head space she's in she needs to be home and safe to stay mentally healthy and in control, she’s so much more like the woman I fell in love with, like I’m getting some of that woman back.”

“Yaz would it help if Jane just came with us to the conference?”

“What do you mean, she’s not with the police?”

“No but I get a double room while you’re meant to be sharing with Vera. If I take the room with Vera, you and Jane could have mine. Then you can do the things you need to do for her, and she can explore the city. It’s not like anyone would be guarding the doors to the lectures so she could sneak in the back. You’d just need to sort out a train ticket.”

“That could be really helpful” Yaz said thoughtfully. “I don’t think her sitting in on lectures is a good idea, probably too triggering, but I think she would be happier to come with me. Can I discuss it with her and let you know in the morning.”

“Sure. But I do need to know tomorrow okay?”

“Yeah no problem.” Yaz glanced at her watch. “I have to head off now or we’ll miss our hydro slot, is that okay?”

“Go ahead, see you tomorrow.”

Yaz wished Jennifer goodbye, shut down her laptop and hurried down to the carpark to head home, texting the Doctor to let her know she was on her way while she walked. Despite the fact that it was the June the weather was damp and dreary, the hot, sunny days of April and May a distant memory.

Thankfully, Yaz got lucky with the traffic lights and it didn’t take long to get home. As long as the Doctor was ready to go they would make it. Ryan was meeting them there as he had also spent the morning in work.

Yaz didn’t even get to turn the engine off before the Doctor appeared at the front door, both her own and Yaz’s swim bags slung over the back of her wheelchair. She locked the door behind her and Yaz got out to help her into the car. She was improving greatly and could manage some transfers on her own but in and out of the car wasn’t one of them, there just wasn’t enough room for her to manoeuvre. Normally they practiced anyway whenever they went somewhere but they were short on time. Yaz greeted her with a quick kiss and helped the Doctor transfer into the front passenger seat, holding her tightly around the waist and pivoting her. She was then able to dismantle the wheelchair into the back boot while the Doctor lifted her own legs into the car and fastened her seatbelt.

While they were driving the Doctor’s phone buzzed with a text from Ryan to let them know he had left work though there was a little traffic and to go ahead and get into the water as he wouldn’t be long. She texted back quickly, having become impressively adept at typing with the knuckles of her almost perpetually closed fist.

The scent of chlorine at the pool always brought Yaz back to learning to swim with her dad when she was a little girl. She had been so scared she was going to drown and her dad had put his arms under her tummy to help her float. She stopped for a minute to grab the equipment they would need and by the time she made it to the changing room the Doctor had already transferred to the changing bed had managed to take off her overshirt and had her swimming costume out of her bag. Yaz took off her shoe for her and the Doctor raised herself up with her hands so Yaz could pull down her trousers and underwear past her hips and helped her with the compression shirt she wore pretty much all the time now and her bra. While the Doctor took her trousers off and wriggled her swimsuit up as far as she could Yaz changed into her own suit and then pulled the Doctor’s suit up the whole way and transferred her into the shower chair. As confident as she was getting, the shower chair at the pool was old and wobbly and she didn’t dare attempt it. 

By the time they had had a stretch on a yoga mat pool side Ryan had appeared.

“Alright?” he asked, sitting down beside the Doctor’s hip and dangling his feet into the water.

The Doctor nodded, she was concentrating on holding her knee up to her chest. She was doing most of the work, Yaz had a hold of her foot to help her out but she had a tight grip on her own knee with her wrists and was using them to roll her hip slightly before letting go and letting Yaz guide her leg back to the floor rather than just flop heavily. Yaz took over the next part for her, doing the same exercise on her right hip as she couldn’t reach her stump from where she lay.

When they were done, Ryan held out a hand which the Doctor grabbed and pulled herself into a sitting position (she was still working on sitting up from lying flat, it was hard when half your stomach muscles remained stubbornly asleep and sometimes it went better than others) and he helped her swing her legs round so they were dangling into the water of the deep end. Beside them, Yaz slipped into the water and slowly the Doctor wiggled her hips forward until she too slid in and was caught easily by Yaz.

They went through a routine of stretches, balance exercise, muscle strengthening and even standing with the full support of the water in the deep end and Yaz and Ryan on either side of her, holding her up. Her leg muscles were incredibly weak and she still didn’t really have many in her stomach that were fully responsive to commands though her legs were a little better. If she had had two legs they would have been able to practice walking with the support of the water but although she had got her new prosthetic from Dave a few days previously it absolutely could not be dunked in a swimming pool.

“You doing okay?” Yaz asked, she was paler than normal and seemed particularly tired.

“I’m fine” she mumbled, concentrating on maintaining her very precarious balance and holding onto the bar that wrapped around the pool with her shoddy grip.

Yaz watched her carefully for a moment, the seven terrifying seizures in two days still on her mind.

“Yaz, stop worrying, I’m fine” she muttered through gritted teeth before her body gave out and she collapsed sideways into Ryan who caught her and together with Yaz, resettled her into a standing balance to try again.

She didn’t last anywhere near as long the second time and even shorter the third time.

After the third attempt they decided to call it a day and finished by swimming a few gentle laps, the Doctor with a few pool noodles for extra buoyancy. Ryan said his goodbyes at the changing room doors, he was heading for a night out with his friends. Yaz had been invited, they had all gone to primary school together, but Maisie had sent her and the Doctor a handwritten invitation asking them to come and see her on the last night of her school play. Carole, her foster mum, had already been the previous evening and they had readily agreed and offered to take her out for pizza afterwards.

By the time they made it home the Doctor was losing her battle to stay awake. She had mastered the transfer to the sofa about two weeks ago but she was shaking so much with exhaustion that Yaz had to transfer her. She slumped sideways on the sofa with fatigue and Yaz lifted her foot up, tucked a pillow under her head and covered her with a blanket. She still napped every day though usually an hour or two rather than the four or five she had been needing a few weeks ago.

Yaz left her to it and turned out the main light, sitting down at her new desk and flipped on the desk lamp. When it had become apparent that she was going to need to work from home for a while she had invested in a small desk, decent chair and lockable filing cabinet. She always used the time while the Doctor was asleep to work, unless there was someone else with her. Thankfully the only people that tended to visit the house were people who understood that the Doctor wasn’t being rude when she excused herself for a lie down, or, more likely, simply fell asleep where she sat.

Yaz opened her laptop, she had plenty of paperwork to be getting on with as usual. But she couldn’t stop thinking about her review. It hadn't gone badly as such, but she was aware of how generous and flexible Jennifer had been. She needed to either put more time into work or step back entirely. She glanced behind her, the Doctor was twitching in her sleep again. How could she put more time into work and leave her alone for longer periods of time? But she also knew she couldn’t give up her job entirely either. She had no regrets over the choices she had made the last year and a half with the Doctor but sometimes she longed for a bit of normality. But then again, her life really hadn’t been normal since the Doctor had crashed through the roof of a train carriage.

Yaz closed her laptop and headed out to the garden, dialling Umbreen as she did so. Umbreen was always good for some perspective.

_“You sound tired habibi, are you taking care of yourself?”_

“I’m okay Nani.”

_“You don’t have to put on a brave face for me darling, tell me why you're upset.”_

“I’m not upset… I’m just…”

_“You’re doing a very hard thing Yasmin. You're trying to be all things to all people but you’re losing yourself in the shuffle.”_

“I’m not…” Yaz protested.

_“You’re trying to give pretty much full-time care to your partner, work, support that little girl above and beyond the call of duty and maintain relationships with your friends and family. It’s okay to ask for help darling, you can't do everything… Are you crying sweetheart?”_

“No” Yaz sniffled helplessly.

_“Where’s the Doctor love?”_

“Asleep on the sofa. Could barely get her in from hydrotherapy today she was so tired.”

_“You need to talk to her Yaz, tell her you need her.”_

“She’s only just fallen asleep Nani, she’ll be useless until she’s had some rest.”

_“Then I want you to go and have some too.”_

“I have to work. I should be working now. Got told today I have to spend next week at a conference in Edinburgh.”

_“That sounds like a change of scene, you can take some time for yourself. Are one of your friends staying with the Doctor?”_

“Only found out today but think she’s coming with me. Don’t really have anyone else who can help her out with personal stuff.”

_“Then why don’t the two of you stay in Edinburgh together for a few days after the conference ends? It’s a lovely place, you could take a break for a few days.”_

“Not sure we can afford it.” Yaz admitted quietly.

_“I could book it for you, early birthday present?”_

“Nani it’s June.” Yaz protested.

_“Yasmin, please let me do this for you.”_

“Nani I can’t take your money. It’s very kind of you but no.” Yaz said firmly.

_“Yasmin I’m your Nani. I can’t help you look after the Doctor or with your stuff for work but I can do this. When’s the Doctor’s birthday, it can be a combined early present if you like?”_

“It’s already happened this year, she was sick so we didn’t celebrate.” Yaz invented as she suddenly realised she had no idea when the Doctor’s birthday was. They had certainly never celebrated it and she was sure she would remember if she had ever mentioned it. Did the Doctor even know when it was? She had mentioned once she had lost track of how old she was.

_“That’s perfect, in the middle of your two birthdays. I’ll send you money in a few minutes, just don’t forget to send me a postcard. Got to go now, bye habibi!”_

Umbreen hung up the phone before Yaz could protest any further. She knew her grandmother could afford it but that wasn’t the point. But talking to her had made her feel better, and the chance of having a break for a few days sounded perfect. The trip to London had had to be cancelled, it should have taken place over the days when the Doctor was sick and when they should have been in the theatre, Yaz had been holding her unconscious body in an ice bath and saying her goodbyes. She shuddered slightly at the memory.

Yaz headed back inside. She checked on the Doctor first, she was still twitching in her sleep and Yaz put the back of her hand against the Doctor’s forehead but her temperature seemed normal. She was pretty sure there would be a seizure on its way but hopefully they could get out for the evening and back again first. Yaz checked her watch, they had a little more than an hour before they needed to go out, the Doctor could have another half hour of rest. She gently stroked the Doctor’s hair out of her face and planted a soft kiss on her cheek.

Yaz vaguely wondered if she would be able to persuade the Doctor to use the bigger wheelchair that evening. It would be more comfortable for her and provide better support while she was so tired, she could nap in it if she was still exhausted and it was safe if she had a seizure; if she had one in her small chair Yaz would have to wrestle her out of it and onto the floor to keep her safe. But she had been using her small wheelchair again for just a few weeks and it had been a hard battle for her to win.

Yaz felt reluctant to leave her while she was unsettled and grabbed her book and sank comfortably into the armchair, enjoying the rare, quiet half hour to herself. Half an hour later she woke the Doctor with a gentle shake and waited patiently for the disorientation she always had when she didn’t wake naturally to pass.

“Sorry to wake you love, but we’re gonna have to leave pretty soon if we want to make it to the school on time.”

The Doctor nodded and used the back of the sofa to push herself into a seated position.

“You sure you’re okay to go out?” Yaz asked.

“I promised Maisie I’d be there and take her out for pizza afterwards. It’s the only way she agreed to do the play.” She deflected.

“That doesn’t answer my question Doctor.”

“I’m going.”

“Still doesn’t answer my question. I can still go, Maisie and I could bring pizza back here and we could have a picnic in the garden or on the living room floor.”

“I’m fine Yaz. I’m going with you, we made a commitment.”

Yaz sighed slightly but didn’t protest any further. “This chair or your other one?” she asked, gesturing the Doctor’s TARDIS blue wheelchair that was parked beside the sofa.

“This one” the Doctor said slowly, emphasising it. “I’m completely useless in the other one.”

“I’m going upstairs to change, do you need anything from up there?”

“I’ll come up with you, I want to put my leg on.”

Yaz looked at her in surprise. She knew it wasn’t particularly comfortable for her to sit in for long stretches and she certainly wouldn’t be standing. It took herself, Ryan and Graham to get her into a standing position and even then she dangled between them like a broken puppet with its strings cut.

She scooped the Doctor up and took her up the stairs, depositing her on the bed and making sure she was stable before stepping back.

“It’s one less thing for people to stare at” she admitted. “Don’t want Maisie to be embarrassed.”

Yaz felt like shouting at her but refrained. “Maisie isn’t embarrassed by you. And neither is anyone else for that matter. Maisie needs people in her life who are stable and caring. She doesn’t care if you use a wheelchair or which one it is, she doesn’t care if you have two legs. You’ve always been honest with her, you're the first person she created a link with in the hospital and you arrived that night in your chair with your leg off, it didn’t scare her then and it doesn’t scare her now. If you want to wear your leg and your scarf and use this chair because it makes you feel more confident then that’s okay, you don’t have to justify it.”

“What’s my scarf got to do with the price of milk?”

“Just that if you want to cover your scars for you then that’s fine, but none of us expect you to do it.” Yaz said gently.

She walked into the bathroom, giving the Doctor a minute to collect herself and so she could wash her face and apply some concealer to the bags under her eyes. She was so, _so_ tired. She loved the Doctor so much, she really did, and she didn’t want to ever imagine life without her again but caring for her was exhausting and hard work. Sometimes it would be nice if there was someone else who could take up a bit more of the slack she thought guiltily. Ryan did his best but at the end of the day he went home to his own bed every night where he got a full night’s sleep and wasn’t plagued by someone else’s nightmares and in general got to live his own life. She couldn’t even go to her work conference for a break because there was literally no one else to look after her.

Yaz splashed her face with water and applied a light coating of makeup before weaving her hair into a braid. When she got into the bedroom she changed out of her work clothes and into a pair of skinny jeans, a blouse and her birkenstocks before doing most of the work to get the Doctor out of her trousers, leg on and trousers back on.

When they arrived at the school for the performance Yaz realised their mistake in not arriving earlier. Unlike the last time they had been at the school, the gates to the playground were open and although they had two accessible parking spaces, they were both taken up by cars without blue badges. She groaned in annoyance and vaguely considered going into the school to ask for the cars to be moved, or writing them up but decided she couldn’t be bothered with the hassle. The small, public car park next to the school was also full and Yaz ended up having to park several streets away along the seedy housing estate where Maisie’s school was located. Honestly, it looked like a prison from the outside though the inside was warm and cosy and friendly, and Maisie was making great progress there.

It was always hard getting the Doctor out of the car directly onto a kerb and Yaz struggled slightly with the decreased manoeuvrability and deposited her harder into the seat than she intended.

“Sorry, sorry” she said quickly, squeezing the Doctor’s arm in apology. “Are you okay?”

“Fine” she said quietly but Yaz didn’t miss her wince.

The footpaths on the estate were poorly maintained and uneven and the Doctor was inching along slowly, getting badly jostled.

“Do you want a push?” Yaz offered, watching her struggle over the terrain.

She shook her head stubbornly, shaking out her hand and trying again to grip the wheels of her chair, ignoring Yaz’s subtle glance at her watch.

She struggled on for another few minutes but when she let herself down a particularly steep kerb and almost toppled her chair she gave in and allowed Yaz to push her the rest of the way. They arrived at the school later than they would have liked and most people were already seated though the curtain hadn't gone up yet. They were ushered to the front where, to the Doctor’s embarrassment, a double wide empty space had been left for her along with an empty chair for Yaz to sit in with a reserved sign. People stared as they made their way through and pretended they weren’t and she longed to slide down and hide, not park right at the front. She hung her head, now glad Yaz was pushing her down the narrow aisle and manoeuvring her into the space that had been left clear for her. She vaguely wondered if it was Carole, Yaz or Maisie herself who had requested it.

Yaz sat down next to her, apparently unbothered by the stares and attention they were getting.

“You doing alright?” Yaz asked her quietly.

“I’m fine” she bristled, unreasonably annoyed at Yaz’s concern and simultaneously regretting her rudeness. _What was wrong with her tonight?_

With effort, Yaz held her tongue. The Doctor might be pretending she was fine but she wasn’t. Her brain was making its issues known and if they got through the evening without a meltdown, a panic attack, a flashback or a seizure or indeed some combination of the four it would be a miracle.

Even the lights of the assembly hall going down and the curtains opening didn’t do much to distract Yaz from her worries as the Doctor startled violently at the applause and slipped sideways in her chair. Yaz went to help her but the Doctor batted her hands away crossly.

Yep, they were definitely heading for something, she just didn’t know what.

Yaz subtly sent Ryan a text to find out if he was free just in case she needed backup. He texted back instantly, reminding her he was out with his mates but they would be in town. But he did promise not to drink, they would be having pizza in town so he would only be a few minutes away. Which Yaz really appreciated.

The play was similar to a pantomime in format and vaguely followed the story of Cinderella but every child in the school had a small role at least. Being one of the older children in the school, Maisie was on stage in the chorus several times, singing and dancing, though her face was pinched and anxious.

During the interval Yaz didn’t even think about suggesting they battle the crowds for cups of tea and cake but her efforts to draw the Doctor into conversation were failing miserably. Yaz watched her out of the corner of her eye, feeling increasingly concerned. She wasn’t focusing, she was startling at small noises, she was incredibly irritable, her words were slurring and she was drooling just a little. Ideally they would be at home right now, waiting for the storm to pass without an audience and the Doctor would be safely in her bigger chair or bed, or even the sofa – not in her easily tippable, small wheelchair in a very public forum.

When she was like this Yaz struggled to remember why she loved her so much. She tried hard to remember that the Doctor had no control over the mood swings, they were just another symptom of her brain injury and not to take them personally. Easier said than done sometimes.

The second act began and this time Maisie danced out in a floaty dress as a guest at the ball. She spun around the stage with the other children in her class, looking marginally more relaxed as she concentrated on the simple dance steps with a look of deep concentration on her face.

When it was all over and the children had taken their final bows Yaz clapped and cheered with the rest of the audience while the Doctor covered her ears, hunched over and groaned quietly to herself in an attempt to block out all the noise.

She stayed like that as the assembly hall slowly emptied around them. They had to collect the children from the classrooms and Yaz had reminded Carole to let the school know that someone other than her would be collecting Maisie. She had made sure to have ID with her and hoped very much that Maisie’s teacher would ask for it. She certainly should considering the serious safeguarding concerns that surrounded Maisie.

“Is everything alright?” asked a woman in a crumpled blouse and low heels, hurrying over and looking at the Doctor in concern. Yaz recognised her as the Deputy Head who had introduced the play.

“Yeah we’re fine, we just need a minute.” Yaz said with a smile.

“Are you waiting to collect a child?”

“Yeah, Maisie Allen in Year Five. We’ll go in a minute.”

“You don’t normally collect Maisie, do you mind if I see some ID?”

Yaz fished her work ID out of her bag and handed it over. “I was the police officer assigned to Maisie’s case. Now we’re family friends, Maisie has a close bond with my partner Jane” Yaz explained, relieved that the Doctor has stopped groaning and had had enough presence of mind to produce the psychic paper which appeared to be showing a standard English driving licence.

“Oh we here all about Yaz and Jane! Year Five had to write essays about inspirational people recently and she wrote about you two. The work is up in the corridor on the way to her classroom, you should stop and read it.”

Yaz blushed though the Doctor just looked slightly confused. Yaz longed to take hold of her hand and reassure her but the Doctor was seriously overloaded and Yaz wouldn’t touch her unless she asked for it. It would pretty much guarantee a meltdown.

“How do we get there?” asked Yaz, realising that the hall was now very empty, and she had no idea where the classroom was.

“I’ll take you” the Deputy offered. 

Yaz waited for a moment for the Doctor to start moving but she didn’t. With a soft sigh she flicked her brakes off and took hold of the handles of her wheelchair, following the Deputy out into the corridor. She led them down two long corridors and stopped in front of a large display board.

“I’ll just see if she’s ready for you. As I’m sure you understand, Maisie’s teacher won't just release her to anyone.”

“No, I’m glad to hear you say that.” Yaz said with a smile.

She waited for the Deputy to disappear before crouching in front of the Doctor. 

“Hey, you with me?”

The Doctor nodded drunkenly.

“I think we should go straight home, we can order in and take Maisie out another night.”

“We promised her.” The Doctor argued stubbornly.

“You’re not well.”

“I’m fine.”

“No you’re not love.” Yaz said gently. “You’re shaking, you’re confused, you’re irritable. You need rest, not to go and sit in a noisy restaurant.”

“Yaz I said I’m fine” she snapped, proving Yaz’s point about her being irritable entirely.

Yaz sighed heavily and stepped back, choosing to examine the display board looking for Maisie’s work rather than saying something she might regret. Maisie’s writing nearly made her cry and she took out her phone and snapped a picture so she could show the Doctor later. Even if she was doing better than she currently was, Maisie’s work was at the top of the board and Yaz was having to crane her neck to see it, she would never manage it from her chair. She had to concentrate to read it, the spelling and handwriting were appalling but as Maisie had missed most of her education, that could be easily forgiven.

_My Inspirational People by Maisie Allen_

_I have two inspirational people. They’re called Jane and Yaz and they’re married because they’re gay. That’s when two girls or two boys love each other. Yaz is a police officer and she rescued me. Jane is my best friend. She gives me hugs when I feel sad and I can tell her stuff that’s scary. Sometimes she tells Yaz and then Yaz helps me. They let me do cool stuff with them like go to the park and we eat pizza together sometimes. Jane got hurted by bad people so sometimes she’s poorly but Yaz takes care of her. She has one leg and her face looks funny and she sounds weird but her wheelchair goes super-fast and sometimes she lets me sit on her lap and she tells me really cool stories about a made up place called Gallifrey. Yaz takes care of me too. That’s why they’re my inspirational people._

“It’s a nice essay, her writing’s really coming along” said the Deputy who had reappeared behind Yaz without her noticing.

“It’s lovely” Yaz said, her voice a little thick. “I took a picture of it, is that okay?”

“As long as there’s no one else’s work in the photo. Maisie is just changing. She’s been talking about you two taking her out for pizza all week, apparently Carole bought her a new top to wear and she’s just changing.”

At that moment the door behind them opened and Maisie appeared.

“Yaz!” she shouted excitedly, launching herself at her.

Yaz caught her easily and swung her up for a hug, kissing her on the cheek.

“Hi sweetheart! You alright? We loved the play! You were the best dancer on the stage.”

Maisie giggled shyly and wriggled until Yaz put her down where she went over to the Doctor. She stopped and stared at her, hands on her hips.

“She’s having a bad day isn’t she.” Maisie demanded accusingly, looking at Yaz.

“A little bit.”

“Can we still go out for pizza?”

Although the Doctor had made her thoughts on the situation quite clear, she hadn't reacted at all to Maisie’s presence, even when the little girl had refrained from her usual bear hug and had just squeezed her hand instead. She was about to tell Maisie that the Doctor wasn’t feeling well enough to go out and that they could go home, order a pizza and have a picnic on the bed when the Doctor reanimated and told Maisie that of course they were still going for pizza.

“Maisie can you show Yaz and Jane how to get to the front doors?” the Deputy asked.

“Yes Miss” she answered shyly, inching a little closer to Yaz.

Once again, the Doctor made no effort to move herself and Yaz pushed her, following Maisie back through the maze of corridors.

When they left the school grounds Maisie took hold of one of the Doctor’s handles with Yaz as they walked the ten minutes back to the car. She was chattering excitedly about what flavour of pizza she was going to have while Yaz watched the Doctor in concern; she was struggling to hold her head up.

Yaz checked Maisie’s seatbelt first and shut the door when they arrived back at the car.

“One more time Doctor, are you sure you want to go out?”

The Doctor didn’t even bother with a verbal response and glared at her though the twitching spoiled the effect.

Yaz sighed in defeat, unstrapped the Doctor from her chair and transferred her over to the car. Her back protested slightly at the reduced room from the pavement. By the time she had put the wheelchair into the boot, Maisie was telling the Doctor all about the rehearsals for the play and her grand plans for the next one.

Yaz wasn’t needed as part of the conversation and she tuned Maisie out as she concentrated on driving through the evening traffic and finding an accessible parking space near the pizzeria.

The pizzeria was noisy and crowded with families and the Doctor was struggling, she was twitching more than ever and had basically stopped communicating. Maisie didn’t seem particularly bothered and was chatting to Yaz instead but Yaz was becoming increasingly anxious. This was a bad idea. She texted Ryan again and was relieved to find out that he was in the pub across the street and completely sober.

Yaz ordered a huge cheese pizza for them to share along with side orders of garlic bread and three lemonades. She realised with annoyance that they had forgotten the Doctor’s water bottle that she still used to drink out of most of the time. The waitress brought them a straw when asked, muttering about the environment under her breath.

As soon as the food arrived Maisie announced she needed the toilet. Yaz debated, she was ten and she could see the toilet door from the table. She really couldn’t leave the Doctor on her own…

“Can you go on your own?”

Maisie looked offended. “Of course. I’m ten.”

She got up and wandered off, Yaz watching her go.

“Just because you put your hand in your lap doesn’t mean I can't see it spasming away” Yaz said conversationally, chewing on her slice of pizza.

The Doctor rolled her eyes. It was true, her whole body was trembling traitorously but her left hand and arm were spasming violently.

By the time they had all eaten their pizza Yaz couldn’t help but feel that they were seriously pushing their luck and didn’t suggest to Maisie that they try the ice-cream bar. She wanted to get them out of there and get the Doctor safely home. She had stopped eating after half a slice of pizza when she kept losing food out of the side of her mouth and her words were slurring badly. As soon as she had paid the bill, Yaz rushed them out of the restaurant, anxious to be home.

But they had barely made it thirty paces before their luck ran out.

Maisie had been walking in front of them, skipping backwards, excited by her evening of pizza and lemonade and stopped suddenly.

“Yaz! Somethings wrong!” she shouted, staring at the Doctor in fear.

Yaz hurried round to stand in front of the Doctor. Her eyes had rolled back in her head and her muscles were already in the early stages of a seizure.

Yaz moved quickly, unbuckling the Doctor from her wheelchair and controlling her descent to the floor. She rolled the Doctor onto her side, shoving her leg under the Doctor’s head. Slamming her head into anything repeatedly was bad but at least Yaz’s thigh would cause less damage than the concrete.

“Yaz what’s happening?” Maisie asked, crying, her eyes wide with fear.

“She’s having a seizure sweetheart. Her brain had too many things going on. Remember we talked about it?”

Maisie nodded, she looked terrified. Yaz handed her her phone. “Do you remember my friend Ryan? I need you to phone him for me.”

Maisie unlocked the phone nervously and dialled the number Yaz dictated to her. Yaz shouted down the phone to him and less than a minute later he was sprinting across the street.

“Am I glad to see you Yaz greeted” as he took off his jacket and combined it with Yaz’s to create a pillow to put under the Doctor’s head to save Yaz’s thigh from more bruises.

“How long has she been down?” he asked, wrapping an arm around Maisie who had sidled up to him.

“About two minutes” Yaz answered, wiping the horrible foam from the Doctor’s mouth to stop her choking on it.

“Do we need to call an ambulance?” Maisie asked, her voice a whisper. She barely came up to Ryan’s waist and was holding his leg tightly. He picked her up and sat in the Doctor’s chair where she burrowed her head in his chest.

“This is just something that happens with Jane” he explained gently. “It’ll stop in a minute and Yaz will take her home. She’ll have a big sleep and tomorrow she’ll be feeling much better.”

“It’s scary”

“I know it is. You don’t have to look. Yaz is looking after her and keeping her safe.”

He turned and addressed Yaz. “Do you have oxygen in the car, do you want me to go and get it?”

“Yes please. And there should be a towel and a blanket in the boot too.” She added, looking at him, willing him to pick up the message without her having to say it in front of Maisie.

The Doctor lost control of all her muscles during a seizure. She needed the oxygen because that included her pulmonary tubes which she had instead of lungs and the towel to protect her wheelchair as she had lost control of her bladder which Yaz could feel through her trousers. The blanket was for dignity on their way back to the car.

Yaz continued to hold Doctor on her side. Half of her was worried and frightened, the other half was angry that this was happening on a cold, concrete street instead of the safety of their home.

She checked the seizure monitoring app on her phone that had been triggered automatically by the Doctor’s bracelet. It was a big one, going on for four minutes.

When Ryan got back he unravelled the oxygen mask and Yaz clamped it to the Doctor’s face, securing it tightly with the familiar green elastic.

Yaz gently stroked the Doctor’s head. “You’re alright love, I know you’re getting tired but it’ll be over soon.”

It wasn’t.

Finally, finally after eight minutes and forty-three seconds, the seizure slowed and stopped. It was a new record, and not one any of them had wanted her to break.

She was still shaking but in the way she always did after a seizure, not the way she did during it.

Yaz gently tapped her cheek to bring her round. Her pupil was huge and she was confused and disoriented as she gazed around the street, not really focusing on anything.

“Doctor, can you hear me?” Yaz asked clearly.

She didn’t respond.

Yaz took her hand.

“Doctor I don’t need you to talk to me. But I need to know you can hear me. Can you squeeze my hand?”

She could have cried with relief when the Doctor’s fingers curled around her own.

“We’re in the middle of the street. Ryan and Maisie are here. We need to get you home, is that okay?”

She didn’t respond, she was fading fast into the postictal phase of the seizure.

Ryan crouched down beside her, and they lifted her together into her wheelchair. Maisie was crying again but Yaz let Ryan pick her up and carry her, given how she was now damp and dirty.

Ryan drove them home. Yaz sit in the middle of the back seat, the Doctor propped against her and her other arm around Maisie.

“I’ll phone Carole as soon as we get home sweetheart, ask her to come and pick you up.”

“NO! I have to stay with Jane!”

“I know this has been scary sweetheart but Jane will be fine. She needs a really big sleep in her own bed and tomorrow she’ll be fine. I can ask her to phone you if you like.”

“Yaz please let me stay. I can help!”

“I can look after her, I promise” Yaz said, squeezing Maisie tightly.

“That’s what they said about my mummy but then she died” Maisie howled, wiping her teary, snotty face all over Yaz’s blouse.

“Tell you what, I’ll phone Carole and see what she says ok? I’m not promising anything but I will talk to her.”

When he pulled up outside Yaz’s house, Ryan scooped the Doctor up and carried her straight up to bed. Maisie followed behind proudly carrying the oxygen and looking much happier with a job to do. Yaz went up ahead of them and laid large bath towels on the bed to rest the Doctor on so she didn’t make a mess of the bed while Yaz sorted her out.

As soon as the Doctor was settled, Yaz sent Ryan and Maisie downstairs to hunt out ice-cream in the freezer and made two phone calls. The first person she called was Carole who gave Maisie permission to stay overnight. She agreed that Maisie would only be agitated if she was forced to go home and Yaz could always phone if there was a problem. The second person Yaz phoned was Najia. She felt like there was a strong possibility that she was going to need help overnight and Ryan was on an early shift the next morning.

Yaz once again found herself washing the Doctor and dressing her while she was unconscious. She swapped the mask for the nasal cannula, removed the towels from under the Doctor once she was clean and tucked her in. Yaz’s next job was to have a shower herself and she put on clean pyjamas, not bothering to get dressed again. She picked up her dirty clothes to go straight in the washing machine and made her way downstairs. She was surprised to see Najia already on the sofa, Maisie asleep with her head in her lap and wrapped in a blanket.

“When did you get here?” she asked her mum, kissing her on the cheek when she had got rid of the soiled clothes.

“Just after you got in the shower. What happened?”

“Massive seizure while we were out. Terrified the life out of poor Maisie. Kept trying to persuade her to go home but she wouldn’t.”

“What can I do?”

“Hopefully nothing. But if anything happens during the night I might need help with Maisie. Worried she was a bit traumatised.”

Maisie stirred at the mention of her name.

“Yaz where’s Jane?” she cried.

“Jane’s fine sweetheart, she’s sleeping. Would you like to come upstairs and say goodnight to her?”

Maisie nodded but her eyes were fearful. Yaz took her hand and led her upstairs. Maisie clutched her tightly and hovered in the doorway.

Yaz went in and sat down on the bed, kissing the Doctor’s cheek to show Maisie there was nothing to be afraid of. “You don’t have to come in if you don’t want to but she’s just sleeping. You can give her a kiss or a hug if you want to or we can just go back downstairs.”

“Will I hurt her?” she whispered, her bottom lip wobbling.

“No darling. She’s asleep.” Yaz neglected to tell her that she was unconscious more than asleep, Maisie didn’t need to know that. Point was, she wasn’t in pain.

Maisie came into the room slowly. She hesitantly reached out and touched the Doctor before standing on her tippy toes and kissing her.

“Night night Jane. I love you I hope you feel better tomorrow.”

“Do you want to go home now?”

“You said I could stay!”

“I did and you still can, but if you want to go home then that’s okay too.”

“I’m staying. I want to help Jane” she said stubbornly.

“Then let’s get you tucked up, you can't help her if you’re too tired.”

When they got downstairs, Najia had made up the airbed and Maisie fell into it. Yaz switched off the main light in the living room, just leaving on the desk lamp softly and went into the kitchen with Najia, taking the baby monitor with her just in case.

Najia flicked on the kettle while Yaz sank tiredly onto a bar stool.

“I’ve got the camp bed in the hall or do you need me to stay up with her?” Najia asked, passing Yaz a mug of well sugared tea.

“She should be okay overnight. I really just need you here because of Maisie because I can’t manage both of them at the same time if the Doctor’s sick. Thanks for being here mum, I really appreciate it.”

“I know sweetheart, I’m glad you asked us to help. We’ve been worrying about you.”

“I just wish she’d take better care of herself”

“What do you mean?”

“She knew she wasn’t well, I recognised all the signs of a seizure, I pointed them out to her, but she still insisted on going out.”

“If she had stayed home would it have stopped the seizure from happening?”

“No” Yaz admitted “But she would have been safer here and without the additional stress she put herself under it might not have lasted so long.”

“She needs to live her life Yaz. She’s trying to claw her life back as best she can, she can’t do that from here. Half the time you complain she doesn’t leave the house often enough.”

“Urgh I know. Sometimes I don’t know what to do for the best.”

“I know love” Najia replied, wrapping her arms tightly around her daughter. “What matters is that you keep trying.”

The Doctor blinked, trying to clear the fog of confusion from her mind. She was propped up on her side and it felt like there was a brass band marching in her head.

She didn’t remember going to bed. What could she remember… she remembered doing hydrotherapy in the pool with Yaz but everything after that was fuzzy.

She moved her head to see if Yaz was in the bed beside her and groaned as the sunlight hit her in the face. Yaz wasn’t there but the bad was rumpled and she knew she had made it the morning before so presumably Yaz _had_ been there. Why couldn’t she remember?

She jumped as a hand touched her arm.

“You okay Doctor?”

That wasn’t Yaz’s voice. The Doctor turned her head towards the voice, vaguely wishing she had her glasses on, the world was very out of focus. She blinked a few more times trying to clear it.

“Doctor it’s Najia, you with me?”

She nodded, wincing at the noise. “I’m awake” she said, her words slurring and her tongue sticking to the dry roof out of her mouth.

Najia seemed to anticipate it and handed the Doctor her water bottle which was beside the bed. She fumbled with it, struggling to position it so it wouldn’t just tip water down her pyjamas and flushed with embarrassment when Najia wrapped an arm around her shoulders and sat her up. 

“Where’s Yaz?” she gasped after guzzling half the bottle.

“Downstairs with Maisie. She’s refusing to go home until she’s seen that you’re okay.”

“Why is Maisie here?” she asked, her brow furrowing in confusion.

“You don’t remember?”

“Apparently not” she said. How much had she lost this time?

“Well I wasn’t there but you apparently weren’t all that well during the day. Yaz tried to persuade you to stay home but you wouldn’t so you went to see Maisie’s school play and then took her out for a pizza like you had planned. Think you managed all that but had a massive seizure in the street on the way home. Maisie refused to go home after that which is why she and Yaz are currently downstairs colouring in.”

“Oh.” She swallowed, embarrassed again.

“Do you want me to go and tell Yaz you’re up?”

“Please… but not Maisie… I need…” she didn’t finish the sentence but Najia seemed to get the message and retreated from the room. Truth was, she was bursting for the loo and really didn’t need Maisie to see her carried in there and possibly held upright while she was in there depending on how much her body cooperated once the cushions were no longer holding her up.

Yaz appeared a few minutes later, a blue marker line on her hand.

“Hi” she greeted. “Mum said you’re awake. Need the loo?” her tone was even, too even. She was upset.

The Doctor nodded and allowed Yaz to carry her into the bathroom. They also had a shower while she was there before Yaz laid her back on the bed to help her move and stretch. Yaz didn’t say a word.

“You’re mad at me” the Doctor stated, watching Yaz rotate the ball and socket joints in her hip with more ferocity than normal.

“I’m not mad.”

“You are.”

“I'm disappointed. Not the same thing.”

“I really don’t remember what happened last night, you’re going to have to fill me in.” the Doctor admitted.

“I don’t really know what to say. I thought I knew and then I talked to mum last night and now I’m confused.”

She stopped what she was doing and sat down on the bed. The Doctor pushed and wriggled to get herself into a sitting position.

“You’re getting good at that” Yaz commented lightly.

“Not what you wanted to say.”

“You hardly ever leave the house and sometimes that really bothers me. And now I’m mad because you did leave the house even and everything went to pot.”

“So you are mad?”

“Not at you though. Mad at myself. I can't ask you to leave the house and then get cross when you do. And you’re right, we did make a commitment to Maisie which we should have honoured.”

“How bad was the seizure? Feel like I’ve been hit by a bus.”

“Pretty bad” Yaz admitted. “All the usual symptoms but nearly nine minutes long. Your bracelet recorded the whole thing though so at least we know it works.”

“And Maisie saw?”

“Yeah.”

“She must have been terrified.”

“She was” Yaz admitted. “Ryan was in the pub across the street. He wanted to deal with you while I looked after Maisie but Maisie was very insistent that it was my job to take care of you. She and I talked about it a lot this morning and she learned what she should do if someone had a seizure. That seemed to reassure her a lot, she’s a kid who needs to know absolutely what is going on.”

“Yeah she is. How come she’s still here?”

“She wouldn’t go home last night until she knew you were okay. She came up to kiss you goodnight and I put her to bed. Thought she was asleep but she was lying on the floor holding your hand when I got up to go to the loo in the middle of the night.”

“Did you put her back to bed?”

“Brought the airbed she was sleeping on up, didn’t think she would stay downstairs.”

“Probably not” the Doctor admitted.

“Are you feeling up to coming downstairs or do you need to rest?”

“I’m fine, I can get up.”

“Really?”

“Yes really. Promise Yaz.”

Yaz studied her, considering for a moment. She had sat herself up on her own and her words had stopped slurring quite so much.

She nodded and lifted the Doctor, easily carrying her down the stairs and settling her into her wheelchair. She held onto Yaz’s arm for support for just a moment as a wave of dizziness washed over her but then was able to fasten her own belt buckle and push herself into the kitchen.

She was instantly attacked by the bullet that was Maisie who jumped on her. Thankfully, Yaz was still behind her and was able to steady the wheelchair from tipping with the sudden impact.

“You’re okay” she shouted gleefully.

“I told you she just needed a good nights sleep” Yaz said, looking in bemusement at the mess of her kitchen. Clearly Maisie and her mum had been baking.

“I’m fine Maisie” the Doctor said softly, smoothing Maisie’s slightly sticky hair away from her face.

“We’re making biscuits, wanna help?”

“I can help eat them?”

Maisie frowned at her. “You can’t eat biscuits, you haven’t had breakfast.”

“Hmmm you’re probably right. How about if I eat breakfast and help you clear up, then can I have a biscuit?”

“Only if your breakfast is really healthy.” Maisie relented.

Yaz flicked on the kettle to make tea for the adults while the Doctor helped herself to Weetabix which she decorated with some of the berries from the fridge.”

“Was that healthy enough for you Maisie?” she asked when she had finished.

“I suppose so. You can have a biscuit now.”

She handed the Doctor one of her iced shortbread biscuits and clambered into her lap where she made herself comfortable, leaning her head against the Doctor’s shoulder.

“I’m glad you’re okay.” She announced, nibbling carefully yet still somehow getting crumbs down the Doctor’s bra.

“Me too” said Yaz coming back in from hanging up a load of washing on the line and kissing the Doctor. “Love you.” She added softly.

“Love you too Yaz” she replied, kissing her back.

Najia stood by the sink, washing the last few dishes after the Doctor had cleaned down the counters. The Doctor and Yaz? They would be okay, she could see that. 


	64. Chapter 64

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obviously my updates have slowed considerably now I'm back at work. I will be taking a short break now until I get through the end of term and sort out a few things, no more than a fortnight though unless something changes. The next chapter is fully planned though so don't worry, I haven't forgotten about it!
> 
> Thanks for all your advice and encouragement Shambling!

“I hate you Yaz” the Doctor groaned, pulling the pillow over her head as the alarm blared shrilly, determined to let the whole world know it was 5am. Even the sun was only just beginning to peep in through the curtains.

“I hate me too.” Yaz mumbled, forcing herself to sit up so she didn’t fall back to sleep.

“Remind me why I’m doing this? I don’t have to go to your conference.”

“Cause you freely decided that coming with me is preferable to staying here and letting Ryan take you to the toilet and shower.” Yaz pointed out.

“Okay this is better. Not sure either of us would ever recover from that.”

Yaz neglected to point out that Ryan had helped her shower on a couple of occasions when she had been unconscious and Yaz had needed help. She knew, there was just no point in reminding her of it.

“He would do it for you though and you know it. He offered three times.”

“Yeah I know. But he also hasn’t touched me unless you’re here since I broke my wrist.”

“Think that traumatised him a bit.”

“It did” she agreed “but it wasn’t his fault. He shouldn’t blame himself.”

“He blames his dyspraxia. Plus, the last time you had a broken bone he had to hold you down while Martha cut your leg off, I don’t think he’ll forget that in a hurry.”

The Doctor looked at her in surprise. “Why?”

“We were all there” Yaz said gently, taking hold of the Doctor’s hand. “You were deeply unconscious by that point, had one heartbeat and were barely breathing, Martha didn’t think you would survive the operation. But she was worried you might try and fight us off though, some sort of survival system or something, I don’t know. Graham and Ryan were both holding you down. Graham was at your head; he was holding your right hand and shoulder. Ryan had the harder job, he was holding your left shoulder and hip, your burns were still so fresh then, he was terrified about how much he was hurting you.”

“And you?” the Doctor asked, digesting the information.

“What?”

“You said you were all there.”

Yaz sat up, hugging her knees tightly and resting her chin on them. “I helped Martha” she admitted slowly. “I mopped blood, held clamps and blood vessels and held the flaps of your skin closed while Martha sewed them together.”

Suddenly the room had become very cold and she shivered.

The Doctor reached out and pulled her in close. Yaz lay against her but didn’t relax.

“What?” the Doctor prompted, sensing there was more to the story.

“After we had done it, Martha stayed with you. Graham and Ryan had to get rid of your leg. It was horrible, all black and it smelled really bad. When they came back, they took it in turns to sit with you and Martha was there the whole time but… but… I couldn’t. I was too scared to come upstairs and see you. To see what we had done.” 

“You were there when I woke up though weren’t you? I sort of remember that.”

“I was. Martha stayed for two days before her mum had a fall and she needed to leave. Ryan and Graham had gone home for sleep. Graham went ballistic when he found out she’d left. I was a bit too shellshocked. Martha had persuaded me upstairs. She showed me how to wrap your stump and basically wrote me a novel on how to look after you and then disappeared. You were unconscious for another two days I think, then you started to become agitated, went back to shouting at us in High Galifreyan and fidgeting a lot. When you woke up I was sitting beside you on the bed, I was holding your hand and reading. You told me it hurt but you didn’t know what had happened, I had to tell you. Then you tried to leave.”

“I remember you telling me, don’t remember trying to leave.”

“I thought you didn’t remember any of this stuff?”

“It’s been coming back recently” she admitted.

“Why didn’t you say?”

“It’s only snatches, nothing to make sense of or build a bigger picture with.”

“You should ask. I can probably fill in most of the blanks.” Yaz said gently.

“Part of me isn’t sure that I want to know” she admitted.

“I can understand” Yaz said with a heavy breath. “Part of me wishes I didn’t know a lot of it too.”

“Is that what you have nightmares about?”

“Sometimes. Mostly though I second guess any decisions I had to make. I dream about them all, every night. Sometimes when I decide something else in my dream things work out for the better, other times for the worse.”

“I hate that I put you into a position where you had to make any decisions for me.”

Yaz shrugged. It wasn’t like there was anything they could do to change them.

“Yaz…” she swallowed, summoning up the courage to ask a difficult question. “Did you stay with me because you feel guilty about your decision to cut off my leg?”

She braced herself for impact.

“How can you even ask that? Is that what you really think? That I’ve gone through everything I’ve gone through with you in the last year and a half because I feel guilty or feel sorry for you?”

“Not usually. But sometimes I just wonder what I have to offer you.”

“I don’t need you to offer me anything. I love you just the way you are. I think you’re amazing and I’m so lucky to have you.”

“I think I’m lucky to have you too.” She said softly, resting her head on Yaz’s thigh.

Yaz bent over and they shared a soft kiss.

“I don’t know how we got into such a heavy conversation but Arthur will be here in an hour and Jennifer will murder me and get away with it if we miss the train.”

“Urgh fine.”

Yaz dragged herself out of bed and came round to the other side for the Doctor who she carried into the shower. The Doctor was back to using her normal shower chair which looked like a white plastic dining room chair with arms, a seatbelt and drainage holes; rather than the fully supportive bath chair they had borrowed from Lucy and she was able to wash herself. But Yaz still wouldn’t leave her on her own after she had had a seizure in the bath and slipped under the water while Yaz had taken a load of washing down the stairs. Every time she thought of the moment she had come upstairs (having been down for several minutes) to find the Doctor fully submerged and seizing her blood ran cold.

Yaz sat on the toilet reading her book to give the Doctor some modicum of privacy while she bathed and then took her back into the bedroom, leaving her on the bed with her clothes to dress herself as far as she could. Yaz had a quick shower, turning the water down slightly from her preferred temperature in an attempt to wake herself up a little more. She dressed quickly and headed into the bedroom to help the Doctor out – reaching under the three layers she was wearing to fasten her bra and pulling up her trousers and underwear while the Doctor used her hands to lift her hips clear of the bed.

“You put your sock on” Yaz commented in surprise.

“Don’t need to get excited about me being able to put my own socks on” the Doctor grumbled but she was smiling and there was a pink tinge to her cheeks.

“I will get excited if it means I don’t have to touch your stinky feet anymore.”

“My feet don’t stink.” She protested.

“The plastic one doesn’t.”

“Rude.” The Doctor complained. “Does it stink now?” she asked cheekily, shoving her foot into Yaz’s face.

“Eeew gross!” Yaz laughed, grabbing the Doctor’s foot with an evil look on her face.

“Yaz! NO! What are you doing? Stop!” she screamed as Yaz tickled her foot and she wriggled and kicked as best she could while laughing helplessly in an attempt to get away from her, sliding off the bed entirely in her efforts where Yaz easily caught her in her strong arms. She kissed her before picking her up and taking her downstairs where the Doctor made them both cereal and Yaz stacked their bags for the trip in the hall.

The Doctor was just finishing the breakfast dishes when a horn hooted outside and Yaz stood up ready to head out. Arthur, as the most junior member of their team, had been volunteered to collect two of the three members of the team who were travelling so they weren’t all forking out for taxis. Vera had declined a lift as she was coming in with her husband.

Yaz faltered when she opened the door and saw Arthur’s car – an enormous, fancy, black BMW – the sort with a rim to stand on because it was so elevated from the ground.

“Nice car” she said weakly, wondering how the hell she was going to get the Doctor into it.

“Borrowed it from my dad.” He shrugged. “Wasn’t sure how much luggage you would have.”

“It’s not the luggage I’m concerned about” Yaz muttered, picking up her holdall and shoving it into the boot.

“Any more luggage Yaz?”

“Just Jane’s bag which she should have… not sure where she’s disappeared to, she was right behind me.”

Yaz wandered back to her front door but the Doctor appeared with her bag on her lap. She bumped down the step and Yaz took her bag to toss into the boot.

The Doctor paused when she saw the size of the car.

“I think he’s compensating for something” Yaz whispered into her ear, hoping to make her smile but the Doctor looked at her blankly, clearly not getting the joke. She never had been good with innuendos.

“Arthur, I don’t think you’ve met my partner Jane?” Yaz said pointedly, introducing them as he stared at her in surprise.

“Hi” he said weakly.

“Hi, I’m Doctor Jane Smith” she said cheerfully, shoving her entire fist into the hand he was offering.

Yaz had noticed that she always introduced herself as Doctor Jane Smith rather than just Jane whenever someone was staring at her rudely, enjoying the look on their face as they realized the tiny woman in the wheelchair with all the scars was a doctor.

“Is it ok if Arthur helps us into the car?” Yaz asked, directing her question to the Doctor.

The Doctor took a steadying breath, no one had ever done that for her except Yaz and Ryan but she gave her wary consent, not like he had another choice.

Yaz got into the car while the Doctor positioned her wheelchair in the right position to transfer. Arthur followed Yaz’s instructions and supported her into as much of a standing position as she could, transferring before her weight to Yaz. Then he wrapped his arms around the Doctor’s knees and he and Yaz lifted together, hoisting her up and into the car.

The Doctor closed her eyes – being lifted by Arthur was different – he was nervous and wasn’t really holding her tightly enough to keep her safe as his arms trembled slightly and it was distinctly uncomfortable being held so close by him. Mercifully, after just a moment, she was being held by Yaz’s familiar arms and then there were two pairs of hands on her, lifting her high in the air and into the seat of the car. She kept her eyes closed; partly because she was embarrassed, partly because Arthur was staring at her and partly because the sudden movement was making her decidedly dizzy.

“I’ve got you” Yaz murmured into her ear.

She could feel Yaz holding her close as she breathed through the disorientating dizziness. When she opened her eye, Arthur was looking at her wheelchair like it might bite him or he would catch her inability to walk. She and Yaz exchanged a smirk and Yaz took pity on him, jumping out of the car and easily dismantling the wheelchair so it would fit in the boot.

“Everyone ready?” called Arthur from the driver’s seat, and they were off, heading to collect Jennifer, a brief stop at the police station and then finally to the train station. He was pathetically awkward and it was to be out of his company. How he had become a police officer Yaz would never know, he was more like a spotty teenager than an officer.

Vera was already at the station when they arrived and watched carefully as Jennifer and Arthur unloaded the bags and Yaz helped the Doctor out of the car, giving her a quick squeeze before she straightened up.

“Alright?”

“I’m fine.”

“Dizzy?”

“I’m fine Yaz, promise.” She couldn’t be annoyed with Yaz’s anxiety, the mammoth seizure she had had just two days before had given Yaz a real fright.

Yaz hitched her holdall onto her back, the Doctor carefully balanced her own on her lap and the four of them headed into the station to find their train. Vera and Jennifer headed straight on but Yaz and the Doctor had to wait for the platform staff to appear with a ramp which they did after a few minutes.

Despite the early hour, the train was busy and as they got on Yaz realised that although she had booked ramp access onto the train she hadn’t actually booked a wheelchair space and the conductor apologised but said there wasn’t another one available.

“Do you think you can get in there?” she asked the Doctor, looking at the four seats arranged around the table – there wasn’t much wiggle room for her.

The Doctor eyed it. “Maybe. One way to find out.”

“Window seat will be more supportive if you think you can get in that far.” Yaz commented, slightly concerned that if she were to startle or spasm she could easily lose her precarious balance and tip off the aisle seat.

“Yeah… give me a hand?”

“Always.”

Yaz got her as far as the seat and then collapsed the wheelchair to fit onto the luggage rack, wedging it in tightly with their bags – if it were to get damaged they would be well and truly stuck. It took the two of them to shove the Doctor down the seat so she was able to lean against the window if she wanted to.

Vera was watching them guardedly, her half-moon granny glasses perched on her nose as she pretended to look at the conference paperwork Jennifer had spread over the table.

The three police women started to sort their section of the conference – Jennifer and Vera were presenting what had been learned from Maisie’s case and Yaz was going to speak briefly too before they moved on to some of the other courses and talks that were on offer. Yaz appreciated the other women’s experience about what might be most beneficial to her as she had never been to a conference before. She hadn't really had many training opportunities at all since she finished her probation because of a combination of taking time off, working unusual hours and transferring into a specialised unit.

Yaz grabbed the Doctor her book from her bag for her when the topic turned to some of the more serious aspects of the conference, so she didn’t have to listen in. She was very quiet, staring out the window and allowing the conversation to flow past her. Yaz grabbed her hand under the table and squeezed it gently. The Doctor retuned the pressure and lightly stroked Yaz’s hand with her thumb. Yaz smiled slightly, trying not to let Jennifer see, this was a work trip after all, but she loved all the little affectionate gestures the Doctor gave her. She hadn't done it when they had been seeing each other travelling, always somehow remaining a little aloof, a little unreachable and rarely comfortable with touch. Now though, she relied on it. Yes, she couldn’t get through her days without a lot of physical support, but she cuddled a lot, held hands, kissed, casual touches to express affection. Yaz liked it a lot.

The Doctor had accepted the book and opened it, as Vera looked in surprised at the complex title on some sort of obscure chemistry Yaz had no hope of understanding, but she wasn’t reading. Yaz slipped her phone out of her pocket and subtly sent the Doctor a text.

_Do you want my phone and headphones, you can put some music on and drown us out?_

The Doctor startled slightly when her phone buzzed on the table in front of her and she picked it up, frowning slightly when she saw Yaz’s name on the screen. She opened the message, manipulating the old fashioned flip style phones buttons with her knuckles. She read it, squinting at the screen because her glasses were perched on the table instead of on her nose. 

_Yes please_.

Yaz fished the headphones out of her bag that was on the floor at her feet and handed them over. The Doctor quickly slipped them over her ears and turned up a soothing playlist of Yaz’s that she liked and took Yaz’s hand again under the table.

Across the table, Jennifer watched the little scene play out. Although Yaz was subtle, she had seen that she was texting under the table and Jane’ response, seen Yaz hand over the headphones and seen the look of relief pass over Jane’s face as their conversation was drowned out and she finally put on her glasses that were on the table and settled herself to the very academic book she had with her. She could see that they had a hold of each other’s hands under the table. And she could see that although Yaz was concentrating on and taking an active part of the discussion with her colleagues, she was very in tune to her partner beside her, almost subconsciously. And it clearly went both ways as Jane adjusted her own position every time Yaz fidgeted a little and seemed to be checking in with non-verbal cues. It was very sweet to watch them together, a young couple in love who had been through more in a few years than most couples went through in a lifetime and were just as strong now they were slowly coming out the other side.

Satisfied that Jane wasn’t likely to become upset at anything they were discussing now that she had them blocked them out, Jennifer kept Yaz and Vera working hard for the next few hours until they were loudly interrupted by the rumbling of her own stomach.

She broke off from what she was saying with a laugh, a slight pink tinge to her cheeks.

“Guess that means it’s time for lunch!” She stood up, fishing her purse from her bag to go and find the dining car. “Anyone else need to buy lunch?”

“I’ve brought sandwiches” said Vera quickly, producing a Cath Kidston lunchbox and setting a napkin out in front of her, followed by arranging her rather fancy packed lunch as if she were in a high-class restaurant.

“We haven’t.” Yaz said, it hadn't even occurred to her to bring lunch but now it had been mentioned she realised she was hungry, and they were still more than an hour away from Edinburgh.

She gently nudged the Doctor who had been hyper-focused on her book and hadn't noticed the change in atmosphere.

“You want lunch?” she asked the Doctor.

“Ooh yeah.” She replied enthusiastically.

Yaz realised there was no way they would get the Doctor’s wheelchair through the aisle of the train, it was far too narrow, not to mention it would be difficult for her to get in and out of the seat.

“You want me to text you what they have or just pick something?” Yaz asked.

“Just pick something.” She sighed, looking disgruntled. It wasn’t that picking out her own lunch was that big a deal, and actually even if she had been able to get up and down the narrow aisles she probably would have asked Yaz to just bring her something back rather than going to the hassle of trying to get her body in and out of the seat. But it would be nice to have the option. 

Vera was staring resolutely out of the window and the Doctor picked her book up again, feeling a distinct air of awkwardness settle between them. Yaz talked about all her colleagues and she knew Vera was very knowledgeable and had helped Yaz a lot with her training but she was also the member that Yaz found hardest to get to know. In fact, Yaz claimed not to know a single personal thing about her – when she had been dropped off by her husband that morning it was the first Yaz had learned about her being married.

Thankfully Yaz arrived back a few minutes later bearing hot sausage rolls, crisps, fruit and bottles of orange juice in a paper bag which she distributed between them, opening the packet of crisps and unscrewing the lid of the juice for the Doctor without even thinking about it.

When the train finally chugged into Edinburgh Yaz was stiff and uncomfortable so she could imagine the Doctor felt significantly worse. Considerably more used to travelling on the train with a wheelchair user, Jennifer stood with one foot on the train and one on the platform while they waited for the ramp they had requested to arrive. While Jennifer waited impatiently or the platform staff, Yaz manhandled the Doctor back into her wheelchair – as Yaz had suspected she had been sitting still for too long. That mixed with her missing her usual morning stretch and physio session meant her body was stiff, sore and unhelpful.

In the end, despite the busy station, no platform staff arrived to help and Yaz and Jennifer ended up having to lift the Doctor and her chair out of the train, much to the Doctor’s humiliation. Yaz hitched her own bag onto her back and helped the Doctor hang hers on the back of her chair.

Vera was studying the instructions they had all been emailed. “The hotel is pretty close by and I don’t know about you three, but I could do with the chance to stretch my legs. Shall we walk it?”

Yaz looked at the Doctor, silently communicating that they didn’t have to, even if the others chose to, but she gave a small nod indicating that it wasn’t a problem.

“Fine with us.”

Jennifer also gave her affirmation and the little party headed out of the station, following Vera who had, of course, already marked the correct route on a map and was striding on confidently. Yaz hung back slightly, setting pace with the Doctor – she was no longer inching along having figured out the knack of propelling it using mainly her wrists, but she wasn’t as fast as she had been either.

The walk to the station was considerably longer than the ‘pretty close by’ Vera had suggested, and it took them close to forty minutes to get there. On several occasions Yaz offered to push the Doctor but she refused every time, only conceding briefly when she needed help to get up and down kerbs. Even the incredibly steep street that the hotel turned out to be located she insisted on tackling on her own though Yaz subtly moved in behind her, ready to catch her if she lost her grip and rolled back.

Finally they made it to the hotel, it was small and unassuming from the outside though the inside was surprisingly nice. Jennifer quickly got them checked in and after arranging to meet back in the lobby in an hour and a half to go and locate dinner she and Vera headed for the stairs while Yaz and the Doctor headed down a corridor towards an accessible room on the ground floor.

The room was basic but pleasant: large double bed with pristine white sheets, sofa, table with two easy chairs, hanging space and large chest of drawers for personal belongings and a basic wet room with a large bath. The room was sizable and easily big enough for the Doctor to manoeuvre her wheelchair though the thick carpet didn’t make it easy.

As soon as she was safely in the room the Doctor slumped forward alarmingly, breathing heavily and trembling slightly.

“Talk to me.” Yaz demanded gently, crouching next to her.

“I’m fine.”

“No you’re not. Talk to me.”

The Doctor sighed heavily. “Tired, bit stiff.” She admitted.

“You wanna lie down? We have plenty of time before dinner which we can skip if you need to.”

She would be liable to have a seizure if she didn’t rest for a while. Her body absolutely didn’t tolerate any form of abuse anymore. The minute she stopped taking care of it, it rebelled with a vengeance. 

She shook her head. “I’ll lie down for a bit but wake me with enough time to head out.”

The Doctor eyed the bed. It was higher than their own at home and would take more effort to transfer onto.

“I’ll stay close” Yaz said quietly, sensing her trepidation. The Doctor nodded and moved closer to the bed, positioning her wheelchair carefully, applying the brakes and lifting her leg off the footrest before scooching forward in the seat. She was then able to place one arm on the bed and the other on her chair and slowly lift her hips clear of her chair and flop inelegantly onto the bed with a grunt and only a reassuring hand from Yaz on her lower back for support. Last step was to get her legs onto the bed and position her body in a comfortable position resting on her side.

“Sleep first or stretch?” Yaz asked her.

“Huh?” the Doctor asked dopily, already half gone.

“Don’t worry about it, just sleep” Yaz smiled. “I’ll wake you in time for a stretch before we go out.” She promised.

The Doctor didn’t respond, already falling asleep. She must be utterly exhausted to have fallen asleep so quickly Yaz thought to herself. It had been a long day and it wasn’t over yet. She used the time the Doctor was asleep to hang her own things in the wardrobe, put the Doctors in the drawers where she could reach them, have a quick shower and then spread the notes she had for her part of the speech she was giving with Vera about Maisie’s case.

She was highly anxious about it and then, somehow even worse, next week she and the Doctor were giving their talk on dealing with victims who were struggling with trauma.

Closer to two hours later Yaz and the Doctor were leaving the hotel with Jennifer and Vera on the hunt to find somewhere for dinner. They had agreed no work talk and instead Jennifer was telling them funny stories from her early days as an officer and keeping them amused as they took seats in a small Italian restaurant a short distance from the hotel.

The food was good, and the conversation flowed lightly as they ate their way through large bowls of pasta, garlic bread and salad.

“So, Jane, what do you do?” Vera asked as she delicately cut her garlic bread and ate it with a fork despite everyone else happily using their fingers. She had pursed her lips into a thin line when the Doctor had produced her modified cutlery and Yaz had poured her drink into her water bottle. At least Yaz wasn’t feeding her.

“I was a lecturer in physics and chemistry.”

“Was?”

The Doctor raised her eyes at that, surely it was pretty obvious that she wasn’t working right now? Even if she was still at Saint Luke’s she would be just as likely to have a seizure or a panic attack mid-lecture as she was to teach anyone anything.

“I’ve had to take some time off, I’ve been doing some private work in the interim.”

“And how did you and Yaz meet?”

“We were travelling” Yaz chimed in. “Travelled together for a while. What about you Vera? Tell me about your husband.”

Vera chatted pleasantly about her husband for a few minutes and the conversation moved on to summer holiday plans.

“Does anyone fancy going for a drink?” Jennifer asked as their plates were cleared and the bill was settled.

“I have a 9pm bedtime when I’m not on lates.” Vera said fastidiously.

Jennifer raised her eyebrows slightly at that but didn’t comment, it sounded like she was in for a fun evening of sitting quietly.

“We might have to pass too.” Yaz apologised. The Doctor was drooping where she sat, she needed sleep and not just a brief cat nap.

They headed back to the hotel instead, considerably more slowly than they had left it, too full to move any faster. The Doctor however kept getting slower and slower and eventually gave in to Yaz’s subtle offering and allowed Yaz to push the rest of the way back to the hotel, ignoring the slightly disapproving glance from Vera. Yaz wasn’t entirely sure what it was she disapproved of: a gay relationship; an interable relationship; that Yaz took on elements of caring for her partner or that the Doctor was with them at all. 

“I think I need a shower” the Doctor announced as they shut the door to the hotel room behind them.

Yaz nodded and gave her a few minutes head start before following her into the bathroom, knowing that she would need some help. By the time she had got in there the Doctor had taken her top off and Yaz helped her with the rest.

“Oh, there’s no shower chair” she said, just noticing the problem.

“Bath?” suggested Yaz.

“I don’t think I can…”

“I’ll help you” Yaz reassured her.

“Or you could…” the Doctor trailed off, blushing furiously.

“I could what?” Yaz prompted her.

“You could get in with me.” She suggested, whispering as though it was a shocking suggestion.

Yaz grinned in surprise. “That sounds nice… Do you want to get in first or me?”

“You… I might… I need…”

“Relax Doctor. It’s okay.” Yaz said, cupping her cheek gently and kissing her. She turned on the water and stuck the plug into the bath, leaning in to kiss the Doctor again. The Doctor responded less hesitantly this time, wrapping her arms around Yaz’s neck and pulling her in close, encouraging Yaz to come closer and kiss her more, helping to relieve her of her clothes.

They broke apart when the bath was half full, adding in a large glug of lavender scented bubbles and giving them a second to foam up before shutting off the tap.

Yaz climbed in first and the Doctor shifted out of her chair and onto the edge of the bath. Yaz held her steady as she lifted her legs into the bath first and then wrapped a strong arm around her waist to help control her descent into the tub.

“You okay?” Yaz asked when the Doctor was relaxed against her.

The Doctor nodded softly against Yaz, finding Yaz’s hands and wrapping them around her own waist tightly. She twisted around and kissed Yaz again but it was more hesitant.

“You sure? You’re not saying anything.” The Doctor always went silent when something was on her mind.

She sighed, taking time to consider her words before she answered. “I just worry that this isn’t enough for you. I want to be close to you but it’s like I don’t even know how anymore without becoming totally overwhelmed by the thought let alone acting it.”

“Doctor, this is enough for me. I’ve told you before, I don’t need you to have sex with me for me to love you. I love you just the way you are and I always will.”

“But what if I can't ever…”

Yaz shifted her slightly from where she was still holding her tightly. “Then that’s okay. To me there are a lot of things more important in a relationship and we have all of them.”

“Like what?”

“Trust. Respect. Honesty. Affection. Love.”

“But I…”

“Doctor, you are enough. I love you and I think you’re incredible. Don’t worry so much.”

The Doctor laughed. “You’re so special Yaz, I don’t know how I got so lucky to be with you.”

The Doctor relaxed further, resting her cheek against Yaz’s breasts. Yaz was lightly tracing her fingers up and down the Doctor’s chest, both ignoring and giving special attention to the areas that were scarred. It felt good, it felt amazing actually.


	65. Chapter 65

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the Summer Holidayyyyyyssssss! 
> 
> (Hopefully that means updates will be a little more regular again!)
> 
> Full disclosure, I did not get a chance to proof read this so if it doesn't make sense I do apologise. 
> 
> TW:   
> Recollections of torture (italics at start, can easily be skipped).  
> Hate speech, final scene, can skip it.

_She lay on the floor where the Grofriar had discarded her like she was a piece of rubbish. Her face felt like it was on fire, her ear was gone she knew that much. Her eye wouldn’t open. She was freezing cold; that wasn’t a good sign. She felt so dirty. Maybe this time she would finally die._

_With that comforting thought she passed out again._

_She wasn’t sure how long it had been but suddenly her cell opened a little. She couldn’t even summon the strength to open the eye that hadn’t been burnt away.. She couldn’t raise her head because she was chained so tightly to the floor, cutting deep welts into her waist, wrists and ankles and an uncomfortable amount of pressure on her neck._

_The cell door cranked all the way open. Someone was standing over her. He laughed._

_That laugh…_

_She knew that laugh._

_Her eye fluttered open._

_It was him, the Master._

_Why did it have to be him?_

_The chains were released. Not that it made a difference, she was past the point of being able to move. Past the point of caring._

_She watched as he picked his way across the grimy cell, avoiding the worst of her filth that was splattered across the floor and the new puddle of acid._

_His lip curled in disgust as he grabbed her by the ankle and dragged her from the cell and down the corridor. She could hear the Mhufiest laughing and jeering._

_His Tardis was filthy as always and as he dragged her through the broken remnants of ginger beer bottles the pain barely even registered._

_Only when they were alone did he speak._

_“Oh Doctor I think it’s safe to say you owe me one.” he chuckled._

_She blinked at him blearily. Her lips were still full of the acid. She didn’t think she could have spoken even if she wanted to._

_She was struggling to stay awake again and as the Master started to probe in her mind, she was unable to block him out and she succumbed to the darkness once again._

_He aimed a brutal kick at her ribs and she woke with a gasp and a groan._

_“Looks like I won't be collecting that debt after all” he said, looking at her with a mixture of pity and revulsion._

_She felt him intrude on her mind again._

_“Thinking of your pets again Doctor? How… pathetic. And yet how very you.”_

_He stalked out of her field of vision for a moment and she couldn’t stop her body rolling across the floor as his TARDIS lurched sideways._

_She groaned again as he kicked her, rolling her in the direction of the door which he opened._

_He hadn’t even bothered to land._

_“Well looks like I won't be seeing you Doctor” he spat, lip curling as he gave her a final kick and she was falling, falling, falling…_

_She hit the ground with a thud._

_She felt her leg snap and she tried to scream again but she couldn’t._

_She was so cold._

_Someone was shouting at her. Shouting her name and shaking her. She wanted to tell them to go away and let her die in peace but she couldn’t._

Yaz woke up suddenly as the Doctor started to scream. Her nightmares were as bad as ever, but they rarely involved screaming. Before she could register what was happening, the Doctor gave a huge lurch in the bed, honestly Yaz was amazed she was even capable of it at the moment, and threw herself from the bed where she lay completely still on the floor.

Yaz was out of bed in a second, crouching on the floor. She put her fingers to the Doctors throat, relieved that both pulses were there though they were alarmingly fast. She was hot and clammy to the touch.

She had hit her wheelchair on the way down; it now lay on the floor and she was in a heap underneath it. Yaz carefully untangled her leg from it and pushed it out of the way.

Yaz grabbed her shoulder tightly and shook her lightly, calling her name.

She dodged expertly when the Doctor let out another cry and attempted to fend her off.

“Doctor. Wake up. It’s Yaz, you’re safe.”

The Doctor sat up suddenly as far as she could, gasping for breath. Yaz wrapped her arm around the Doctor’s shoulder and helped her the rest of the way.

As soon as she was sitting the Doctor shrugged Yaz off, she was hunched over her knees, breathing hard and shaking.

Yaz respectfully moved away and sat in front of her – close enough to be seen but not close enough to be threatening.

There was a knock on the door. After their bath together neither she nor the Doctor had bothered getting dressed as they had gotten into bed together, enjoying lying close together, exploring. She found the hotel dressing gown and wrapped it around herself. She would have to block the Doctor, attempting to cover her or go near her in this state would only lead to someone getting hurt.

Yaz cracked the door slightly.

“Is everything alright in here Miss?” asked a young man in the hotels uniform.

“We’re fine. My girlfriend had a nightmare.”

The man looked at her suspiciously.

“Hang on.” Yaz shut the door in the mans face and grabbed her Police ID from the bedside drawer. She took it back and shoved it in the concierges face.

The man didn’t seem satisfied but he left. Thankfully the Doctor waited to start groaning to herself until after he had left. She was rocking and had her eye squeezed shut, her hands clamped over her ears.

Yaz lifted a blanket from the top shelf of the wardrobe where there was a pile of extra linens.

“Doctor, its Yaz. Can you hear me?”

It took a moment but the Doctor gave a slow, uncertain nod in response.

“Can I touch you?”

She shook her head hard.

“Okay, okay I won't. I promise… I have a blanket here. Can I wrap it round your shoulders?”

She pondered and finally nodded even more uncertainly than last time.

“I’m sitting in front of you” Yaz said softly. “I’m leaning forwards, the blanket will touch your left shoulder first and then I’ll reach over your head and drape it over your right shoulder too… I’m going to move away from you now, I won't go anywhere, I’m still sitting in front of you but I won’t touch you.”

Yaz’s voice was calm and measured as she carefully narrated each action that she was doing, moving slowly and cautiously. The Doctor wasn’t having a panic attack but she was barely holding herself together.

“Can you tell me what you need?” Yaz asked.

The Doctor shook her head. Yaz wasn’t sure whether that meant she didn’t want anything from her or whether she couldn’t verbalise what she needed.

“Doctor I know its hard, but I need you to talk to me. I can't help you if you don’t talk to me.”

“Talk to me.” She slurred slowly, repeating Yaz’s words.

Yaz frowned, confused. Was she going to have another seizure?

“You need me to talk to you?” she asked finally.

She nodded, rocking more than ever.

“I don’t know where you were in your head just now Doctor but you're safe here. We’re in Edinburgh in a hotel. We travelled here on the train with my colleagues Jennifer and Vera. Then we all went out for dinner and you laughed at Vera for eating her garlic bread with a knife and fork because who the hell does that? We came back to the hotel and had a bath together and we got into bed and spent more time together. We fell asleep and now its just you and me here. You’re safe now love, no one is going to hurt you, I won't let it happen to you again. I love you so much… Can you open your eye and look at me?”

With what looked like a monumental effort the Doctor did open here eye and looked at Yaz, squinting slightly as she tried to force her brain to concentrate and focus on the present.

Her hands had relaxed a little from where she had clamped them over her ears and she tentatively reached out for Yaz’s hand which Yaz readily supplied her with.

“I’m so proud of you Doctor, you're doing amazing. You’re okay, you’re safe and I’ve got you.”

They sat in silence for a while. The Doctor was trembling slightly and still rocking though she had stopped groaning. Yaz waited until she had stopped rocking before she spoke again. 

“Doctor, you look cold and uncomfortable. Can I help you get back into bed. I'm going to have to touch you to do that. I can pick you up or I can put an arm round your waist like in a transfer but you’ll have to help me.”

The Doctor nodded.

“Transfer style?” Yaz clarified.

Another nod.

“I’m going to let go of your hand and crouch in front of you.” Yaz said, narrating each action before she did it. She carefully positioned her feet in front of the Doctor’s foot so it wouldn’t slide forward.

“Can you wrap your arms around my shoulders?”

Slowly, the Doctor did as she was asked and Yaz wrapped her own arms around the Doctor’s waist.

“I’m going to stand you up now but I’ll need you to work with me. When you’re upright I’ll pivot you onto the bed.”

The Doctor was basically no help as Yaz stood her up and deposited her on the bed carefully. She was clutching the blanket around her shoulders pitifully.

Yaz went to the drawers and found a pair of the Doctor’s pyjamas, the ridiculous bright pink ones that had apparently been destined for her. They felt utterly incongruous with the situation. She dropped them on the bed and quickly found a pair of her own, taking a brief moment of respite to put them on and steady herself. It had been a while since the Doctor completely freaked out like this.

“Can I help you get dressed?”

No response.

“I’m going to touch your shoulders Doctor” Yaz said clearly. She gave her a minute to give her time to process what she was being told before reaching out. She still startled and Yaz squeezed her shoulders firmly, trying to ground her.

The Doctor slowly raised her gaze to look at Yaz as she registered the tight pressure.

“Good, well done. You’re in the hotel with me Doctor. You’ve had a nightmare but you're safe. Can I help you put your pyjamas on?”

She nodded reluctantly but didn’t release her hold on the blanket. Yaz started with her trousers, not even bothering to try and get her to help and instead leaned the Doctor forward to rest against her and rocked her weight from side to side to pull the trousers up while she sat.

“I’m going to take the blanket now Doctor” Yaz warned her before slowly untangling her from it and dressing her carefully in the pyjama top.

When Yaz was finished she moved away, still talking the Doctor through what she was doing. She fished around in the Doctor’s bag until she found her water bottle and filled it for her, pressing it into the Doctors hands. The Doctor clamped it with her wrists, the same way she usually gripped things these days but she didn’t move to drink.

Yaz took her elbow and raised it up. “Drink Doctor” she commanded lightly.

The Doctor took a cursory sip and Yaz prompted her to take a few more before relieving her of the bottle and putting it on the beside table.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

The Doctor shook her head.

“Do you want me to give you space?”

Another shake.

“Shall we get back into bed?” Yaz asked, glancing at the clock which was showing that it was after four am. They had been up for close to two hours and the alarm would go off at half six.

Finally the Doctor nodded but she seemed confused about how to do it. Yaz wrapped one arm around her shoulders and the other under her legs and guided her so she was lying down where she instantly curled up into the foetal position, protecting her head. It made Yaz’s guts twist painfully, it was a very long time since the Doctor had felt the need to adopt that position. In fact, until that moment, Yaz had forgotten that she had done it at all. Yaz carefully tucked her in and walked round to the other side of the bed, getting in beside her.

“Do you need me to hold you?”

There was a long pause before the Doctor gave a tiny nod.

Yaz wrapped her arms around her girlfriend, pulling her in close and holding her tight. She was pleased when the Doctor animated enough to grip her hands that were around her waist.

Yaz smoothed some of the Doctor’s hair out of her own face, where it had grown in it was getting really long.

“I’ve got you, you’re safe” Yaz reassured her softly. “I love you.”

“Love you” the Doctor replied so quietly that Yaz almost missed it.

Yaz squeezed her harder.

When the alarm went off an unfortunately short amount time later, Yaz was already awake and although she couldn't see the Doctor's face, she was pretty sure she was awake too. Neither of them reacted to its shrill ring until Yaz reached over and silenced it. Neither of them moved. 

"I'm sorry Yaz" the Doctor whispered eventually in a small, defeated voice.

"What on earth for?"

The Doctor snorted softly, a tone of disbelief. 

"Hey" Yaz said, shifting the still tight hold that she had of her girlfriend. "Look at me... Look at me Doctor... You do not get to apologise. Not for this. I don't want to hear it from you, you haven't done anything to apologise for."

"You've been up all night and it's my fault."

"No, it isn't your fault."

She snorted again. 

"Doctor you were tortured. Having nightmares is not your fault. It is the fault of any person who dared to hurt you."

"It's weak."

"You are _not_ weak." Yaz insisted, emphasising each word. "You are the epitome of strength." 

The Doctor didn't answer.

"You _are_ Doctor. You're amazing."

The Doctor finally sat up and Yaz gave her a careful shove so she was fully upright. 

"Sorry, I had to move your chair last night" she apologised, realising it was still abandoned in the middle of the room where the Doctor wouldn't be able to reach it.

Yaz brought it over for her and positioned it, double checking the brakes. 

The Doctor drooped miserably when she tried and failed to get into it on her own and Yaz had to help her with a secure hand around her waist. As soon as she was safely in she shrugged Yaz off and headed into the bathroom.

"Damnit" Yaz heard her soft cry from the bathroom, followed by a thump. She hurried in to investigate.

"What's happened?"

"There's no bloody shower chair. This is supposed to be an accessible room." she spat. 

"Do you want me to go and ask for one from reception?"

"No. I'll go." she flipped her chair around and barged out of the door, letting out a noise of frustration when she tried and failed to open the heavy fire door of the room. She couldn't grip the handle well enough and then she didn't have the strength to pull the door back and move her chair across the carpet.

Yaz hung back and let her struggle for a moment until her head dropped into the arm that was still attempting to hold the handle in defeat before giving in and helping her out.

Yaz took a breath, resisting the urge to follow her and make sure she was safe. There was another heavy fire door she would have to get through at the end of the corridor though it pushed outwards which would be her first obstacle. But it was breakfast time and the lobby might be busy. And even if it wasn’t she would have to form a coherent request to the concierge while in her bright pink pyjamas when she hadn’t strung more than two badly slurred, vaguely coherent sentences together since her nightmare.

Yaz went into the bathroom for a quick shower while she waited for the Doctor to come back, she was always quick, Sonya had been a terrible bathroom hog when they were growing up, but she managed to be fully showered, dressed and starting to majorly worry when there was a knock on the door and she hurried to answer it.

“Forgot my key” the Doctor said sheepishly. She had a cheap, basic shower stool balanced on her lap which she was stopping from falling with her chin. Not a bit of wonder it had taken her so long to get back.

Yaz raised her eyebrows at her.

“It’s all they had” she muttered, referencing the chair.

She couldn’t sit on a chair without back support, her balance was appalling, and certainly not while moving around to wash herself. In fact, Yaz very much doubted she would even be able to transfer onto it, there were grab bars in the shower but they were high and she wasn’t used to using them. Plus, after her night of virtually no sleep her muscles would be weak at best and probably shaky to boot.

The Doctor made her way to the bathroom and Yaz followed a minute later. When she got in the Doctor had taken off her slipper and pyjama top and Yaz helped her with her bottoms. To her credit the Doctor did give it a go to get onto the shower stool on her own, but the grab bars just weren’t in the right place to help her out. She tottered alarmingly when Yaz experimentally removed her hands from her back.

The Doctor was fairly quick though if Yaz had known she was going to have to stand so close to her while she showered she wouldn’t have gotten dressed first. By the time the Doctor was done Yaz was thoroughly soaked again. She spread a towel on the Doctor’s wheelchair for her, though she got herself back into it on her own and they went through to the main room; the Doctor to get dressed and Yaz to get redressed.

The dining room was busy when they arrived and Yaz stayed close to the Doctor as they weaved their way carefully through the tables to the one they had been directed to. Yaz moved a chair out of her way and draped her jacket on the back of one of the others. The food was served as a buffet at the back of the dining room and as they got closer it got harder for the Doctor to get her chair through, the room was busier at this end and people had chairs sticking out and bags on the floor.

When they got to the counter there was an impressive range of all the necessary items (and a few more besides) to make a full English, a continental section as well as toast and cereal and a wide variety of drinks.

“Do you know what you want?” Yaz asked quietly so as not to draw attention to them. The counters were all just above her eye level.

“There’s a lot of choices.” She muttered. She always got overwhelmed when there were two many choices. Yaz had never thought about it before but maybe that was why she always stuck to one outfit? Even now she tended to wear the same thing pretty much every day.

“So lets narrow it down. Do you want a cooked breakfast or something cold?”

“Cold.” She shuddered slightly at the thought of all that grease, her stomach was still all knotty from last night.

“You once told me how much you like croissants though I never think to buy them. Do you want croissants?”

Yaz waited for her to answer and was finally rewarded with a nod.

Yaz showed her where the pastries were and passed her one, and the Doctor balanced it carefully on her lap. She looked like she was getting overwhelmed again and Yaz casually suggested she might want to go back to the table to stop anyone sitting at it and she would bring over some drinks.

When Yaz sat down a few minutes later with a bowl of porridge, her own croissant, jam, juice for them both, tea for the Doctor and coffee for herself she noticed that the Doctor had become very unsettled. She was startling at every clink or slightly louder noise and it wasn’t helping that they were seated right in the middle of the room.

Yaz warned her and then took her hand. “Hey, look at me okay? Just take a few deep breaths with me. No one is going to hurt you here, this hotel is full of police. I know you don’t know them but you do know me and you know I would never let anyone hurt you. I'm right here with you and you’re safe.” Yaz kept talking, and breathed carefully for the Doctor to copy her.

After a few minutes the Doctor pulled away of her own accord and mechanically started to pick at her croissant. Before either of them had gotten very far they were joined by Jennifer and Vera who appeared from nowhere with their own breakfasts.

“Morning!” Jennifer said cheerily. “Sleep okay?” she added, eyeing the massive mug of coffee in front of Yaz.

“Like a baby” Yaz lied. “Did you?”

“It’s always weird when I’m not responsible for Lucy overnight” she admitted with a shrug. “I usually sleep with one ear open in case her ventilator trips and I need to resuscitate her but her dad is with her this week.”

Yaz nodded in understanding. While the Doctor wasn’t likely to randomly stop breathing during the night, Yaz could count on one hand the number of nights where she hadn’t been woken by her nightmares in the last year.

“What are you going to get up to today?” Vera was asking the Doctor across the table.

She looked disconcerted to be spoken to and it took her a moment too long to process that she was supposed to have listened and formulate a response and Vera looked at her in annoyance.

“Oh… uh… I hadn't really thought about it.”

“You should go out and explore, Edinburgh is a beautiful city. Go and see what it has to offer.”

The Doctor hummed non-committedly, concentrating on moving her tea to where she could reach it without spilling it.

“I brought my guide books with me, I suppose you can borrow them as long as you don’t lose my bookmarks.”

Behind them a child let out an excited, high-pitched squeal and she jumped violently, knocking her tea. A generous amount of it slopped out of the cup and landed on the white table cloth and more landed on her leg.

For a moment she froze, hands balled into fists before she flicked her brakes and headed out of the dining room as fast as she could. Yaz winced when she crashed twice on the way out, both times clipping her chair on things shoved into the aisle.

“Well really what a reaction to a bit of spilled tea. Like a toddler having a tantrum! And she could have mopped it up a bit.” Vera said prissily.

Yaz stood up, a cold look on her face.

“As you well know Vera, she has brain damage. And if you must know we didn’t have a good night’s sleep, we’ve been up all night as she relived being tortured. She can't always control her moods and quite frankly I’m incredibly impressed that she’s made it out of here at all because that showed incredible self-control and regulation. Not that long ago this would have ended with a public meltdown.” Yaz hissed before stalking off, anxious to catch up to her girlfriend.

She found her easily, just inside the door that led down to their room. She was shaking badly and had her eyes closed.

“Doctor?”

No response.

“Okay, I’m not going to touch you but I am going to push you down to our room.”

Yaz paused, giving her enough time to process what was about to happen before taking hold of the handles of her chair

Yaz sat opposite her when they got back to the room. She was groaning again. She glanced at her watch guiltily, less than an hour until the first lecture and Jennifer would not be impressed if she was late.

To Yaz’s surprise the Doctor suddenly collapsed forward, crying against Yaz’s chest. Yaz let her cry, rocking them both and soothingly stroking her arms.

“Want to talk about it?”

The Doctor shook her head against Yaz’s body.

“I think you need rest.” Yaz said softly, lightly running her fingers through the Doctor’s hair. “Can I help you into bed?”

Yaz was surprised when the Doctor answered verbally with a small “yes”.

Yaz didn’t even attempt to stand her up after the Doctor fumbled so much with her seatbelt that Yaz had to do it for her and instead she scooped her up and laid her down gently on the bed.

“I'm going to have to go soon, do you want me to sit with you for a few minutes before I do?”

“No, I'm fine.” She answered, rubbing her knuckles together anxiously and not looking at Yaz in the face.

“I want you to promise that you’ll text or call me if you're not.”

“I’m fine Yaz.”

“Promise me Doctor or I’m not going anywhere.”

“Fine.”

“Are you wearing your bracelet?”

The Doctor sighed heavily but flicked her wrist to show Yaz her seizure alert bracelet that was under the long sleeves of her compression shirt and under shirt.

“Okay” Yaz learned her own head against the Doctors for a moment and then pulled the blanket over her.

“I’ll come and check on you during the coffee break.”

“You don’t need to do that.”

“Humour me. I’ll only worry about you if I don’t.”

“Fine.” She agreed though didn’t look very happy about it.

“Try and sleep. Please.”

Yaz pulled the blanket over her and kissed her softly.

Yaz slipped into the empty seat beside Jennifer, pleased that she didn’t have to sit next to Vera.

“Jane okay?” Jennifer asked in concern.

Yaz looked round before answering, Vera was talking to the man on her other side.

“We had a really hard night.” Yaz admitted slowly. “Worst in a long time, I think it was triggered by sleeping in a new place. She’s resting now. I’ll go and check on her in a bit. I’m just worried she’ll have a seizure or need help while I’m on stage with Vera.”

“When you go up leave your phone and key here. I can deal with a seizure.”

“Hers are quite specific though” Yaz said warily.

“So tell me Yaz. Sometimes it takes a village.”

Yaz sighed. “They can be pretty lengthy but she doesn’t need an ambulance. She foams at the mouth a lot so you need to hold her on her side. She usually has an accident. Afterwards she’ll be postictal, she probably won't know where she is or who you are. You might need to tell her a lot. She might not speak in English and revert to her home language but she’ll understand what you’re saying. She might grab at you because she’s frightened but it might go the other way and she might lash out. If she starts wheezing or her lips go blue there’s oxygen in the blue bag on the bottom shelf of the wardrobe.” Yaz said worriedly, realising she was making her girlfriend sound a bit unhinged.

“Yaz that’s all fairly normal for someone after a seizure. I can handle that, don’t worry about it.”

Yaz nodded, unable to reply properly as the first speaker was applauded onto stage. She flipped open her notebook and uncapped her pen, ready to learn and determined to get as much out of the conference and impress Jennifer and their higherups as much as possible.

Yaz knocked lightly on the door before letting herself into the room, it wasn't like she was worried about finding the Doctor in a compromising position or anything, she just didn't want to make her jump or frighten her. Sometimes when she was having a lousy day she would be fine after more sleep and other times there would be no improvement. Yaz was very much hoping for the former. She had been sound asleep when they had stopped for coffee mid-morning and Yaz had tiptoed out again without waking her. 

The Doctor was awake when Yaz went in, she was curled up on her side reading her book, squinting at the pages. Yaz quickly surmised she hadn't been able to sit herself up and had either been unable to reach the glasses from her backpack which was on the back of her wheelchair parked beside the bed or hadn't remembered that they were there. Either way, that wasn't a particularly helpful sign for her mental and physical state now she had slept.

"How are you doing?" Yaz asked, scrutinising her.

The Doctor blushed. "About this morning..."

Yaz was relieved to hear her words had stopped slurring and cut her off. "If you're going to apologise again I don't want to hear it. You don't owe me or anyone else an apology."

"But Vera..."

"Vera has a stick up her arse."

The Doctor smiled despite herself. "I just don't want to embarrass you."

"The only time you embarrass me is when you dance which, by the way, doesn't get you out of dancing with me at my cousins wedding in a few weeks because if you don't I'll be dancing by myself and quite frankly if you were worse than Ed Balls doing Gangnam Style on Strictly I would still want to dance with you because I love you.”

“What?” the Doctor asked, not getting the reference.

“Don’t worry about it. What do you want to do first, bathroom, move or food?”

“Eat but if it’s okay I think I might need a good stretch this evening. I feel a bit… stiff.”

“I’m not surprised, you’ve barely moved for two days and your muscles always tighten up when you’re upset.”

Taking Yaz’s offered hands, the Doctor pulled herself into a sitting position and braced herself against her thighs with her elbows for a second to find her balance before shuffling her body over to the side of the bed. Yaz got up and stood beside the wheelchair, ready to help if she was needed, but she wasn’t. The Doctor managed to get herself into her chair inelegantly and untidily but entirely under her own power and Yaz gave her a delighted, tight squeeze. Although she had been able to get into bed for a fortnight or so on her own it was the first time she had got out of it.

Clearly the sleep had done her the world of good.

The Doctor arranged herself more comfortably in her chair and sorted out her leg which was twisted underneath her and she and Yaz went off in search of the lunch buffet. Once again, the food was being served above the Doctor’s eyeline which was just plain rude. Yaz hadn't realised just how inaccessible the world was until she had had a partner who was disabled. She had been under the impression that a few grab bars in the toilet and a ramp outside made a venue accessible. It had never occurred to her how few people could actually use a conventional “accessible” loo, that there regularly weren’t enough accessible parking spaces and when there were they were often taken up by people who had no right to park in them. But those were almost like the bigger issues, it was the smaller, everyday problems like the Doctor was now facing that caused more problems – the Doctor couldn’t easily see what was on the buffet counter and she certainly couldn’t reach them. With cold food that led to the distinct possibility of her causing a spillage and someone slipping, with hot food it became a significantly greater problem if she were to spill it on herself. Especially because her hands certainly couldn’t be relied upon for dexterity or grip and her arms could give out at any moment. It was less of a problem for the Doctor as she was travelling with someone who was strong enough and able enough and willing to help out but she could hardly be expected to sit at home all the time unless she had someone to hold her hand while she was out. It wasn’t her physical limitations that kept her home so often, it was her mental health.

Yaz served a plate for her which she balanced carefully on her lap and they made their way carefully to a table right at the back where it was a little quieter and there were considerably less people walking past them constantly. Lunch was much more successful than breakfast had been and when it was over Yaz was much more relaxed as the Doctor headed down to their room again to use the small hand cycle she had brought to build strength in her arms and work her hands with some playdough and grip strengtheners that Graham had given her.

“You need a proper work out” Yaz said after dinner as they wandered back down the street to the hotel hand in hand. “Fancy a swim, the hotel has a pool.”

The Doctor froze. She swam twice a week in hydrotherapy and it was very good for her but there the pool was private. There was no one to see how deformed her body had become; one leg gone, scars, burn damage, missing ear, bones showing through skin like paper and contractures from lack of use in her hands.

“Tell you what, I really fancy a swim. How about you agree to come down with me and bring your book. If it’s quiet and you think you can, get in with me and we can swim together. If you don’t like it you can read your book and I’ll swim. If it’s just too much we’ll go back and we can do a workout on the hotel room floor.” Yaz bargained.

The Doctor considered before agreeing. It was reasonable, which was how she found herself wheeling into the surprisingly decent pool half an hour later wearing a long beach cover-up over her suit while Yaz was in her favourite tankini.

To the Doctor’s surprise, they had the pool to themselves and she allowed Yaz to help her out of her wheelchair and rest on the pool side. Yaz moved her chair so it wouldn’t get splashed or be in anyone’s way if they got company and the two women slipped into the water. Yaz helped the Doctor warm up first and then together they started swimming lengths slowly. The Doctor had no float to help her buoyancy so she was having to work harder than normal but she also wasn’t swimming laps as a cool down from an intensive hydrotherapy session so Yaz was impressed as she matched her stroke for stroke without a problem. It was nice as they swam together and Yaz couldn’t help but think of times when their lives were simpler and revolved less around meeting the Doctor’s basic needs; swimming as they were, they were on an even playing field and for the right here right now, her problems didn’t matter. They were just two partners enjoying a swim together.

They had the pool to themselves for a while before the door opened. The Doctor froze instantly and Yaz was surprised when Jennifer appeared in a plane bikini. She looked well in it for a woman who must be fifty if not a little more.

“We can leave if you need to” Yaz whispered into her ear “But it’s just Jennifer and she couldn’t care less about what you look like.”

“No… it’s fine. Just Jennifer. Lets do a few more lengths.”

Yaz smiled, pleased that she was managing to stay despite having someone to witness her body which she usually kept as covered as possible to hide the state it was in.

“Evening” Jennifer called cheerfully, having finally noticed them and peering at them short-sightedly without her glasses.

“Hi” they both called back and went back to their laps. Jennifer was on the other side of the pool setting her own pace which was slow but steady.

After Yaz and the Doctor had been swimming for a while they started to become more competitive and less about exercise. The Doctor had always been a much better swimmer than Yaz who had been far more interested in playing in the pool as a kid than actually swimming. She could swim but she was slow and had no real technique. The Doctor on the other hand had an excellent technique and Yaz knew that she could zip through the water like a fish even with one leg. Really, her muscle weakness only made them more evenly matched. She was still a better swimmer but these days Yaz had the better endurance.

After a further half hour, after Jennifer had wished them a goodnight, they were both laughing like idiots and breathless, ready to go back to their room when a family with five kids arrived. Yaz got out of the pool first and crouched down on the side of the pool to hoist the Doctor out. She left her sitting there, carefully maintaining her own balance while Yaz covered her chair with a towel and brought it over.

She was distracted by a loud wail from behind her. The middle child of the family group, a girl no more than five, was pointing at the Doctor and crying while her older sister (who looked to about nine and was probably old enough to know better but wanted to wind her sister up) started teasing her about the pool monster.

Yaz was shocked and disgusted on the Doctor’ behalf but she just wanted to get them out of there without any more incidents. She bent down beside her partner, both as a necessity to lift her into her wheelchair and for moral support. The Doctor was trembling and Yaz saw to her horror that the very large man, presumably the girls father, was storming over their way looking ready for a fight.

Yaz made a snap decision and scooped the Doctor into her wheelchair quickly, she was too vulnerable on the ground, at least in her chair she could move out of the way.

The man was tall and heavy-set, a large beer gut hanging over his red swimming trunks and his breath smelled of cigarette smoke.

“You need to leave” he demanded aggressively. “You upset my little girl. She don’t come swimming to look at that” he made a crude gesture to the Doctor’s body.

Yaz stepped protectively in front of the Doctor, relieved she hadn’t fastened her lap belt in case she ended up in the water. But the Doctor was having none of it and moved to be beside Yaz.

“I have as much right to be here as anyone else. Maybe you need to teach your daughter about respecting people who’re different to her.” She said. Her tone was calm and in control, reminding Yaz of when she told off King James.

“You should go swim in some pool for cripples or defectives or summat” the man spat. “I don’t wanna catch whatever nasty disease you got.”

“Yeah you really don’t” the Doctor agreed sweetly before giving a massive, fake sneeze in his direction. Yaz fought the urge to giggle despite the seriousness of the situation. The man was huge and unpredictable and they were both small with no way out other than past him.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he screeched. “That’s disgusting.”

“Learn some manners. You can’t catch what I have.”

The man turned to Yaz. “Lady you her caretaker or whatever? Take my advice and take her back to her room or whatever where no other kids gonna get scared, I can’t even understand what she’s saying. It’s not right her being out in with regular folks like.”

“I’m not her caretaker, I’m her girlfriend. And unfortunately for you I’m also with the police so unless you want me to arrest you for hate crime I suggest you and your family enjoy your swim or quietly or leave.” Yaz stated a lot more calmly than she felt.

The mans eyes bugged out of his head.

“Why you wanna fuck that for? Is it not like fucking fried chicken or something?” he asked in disbelief. “I can show you what a real man can do for you” he added, leering over Yaz and reaching to put a hand on her bum.

Years of working Sheffield’s streets with drunken morons gave Yaz a range of options in how she should react to this situation and she expertly grabbed his wrist and twisted his arm behind his back.

“Sir, you and your family need to leave now. This hotel is full of police and we will not put up with your attitudes.”

The man looked like he was going to argue with them but his wife appeared and attempted to drag him away. For a moment Yaz thought he was going to ignore her but finally he allowed his wife to steer him away, muttering under his breath about ‘cripples, dykes and terrorists.”

Yaz held her stance, watching them leave the pool for the changing rooms, until she felt the Doctor’s cool fingers wrap around her wrist.

“Yaz are you okay?” she asked, worried.

“Me?” Yaz snorted. “pretty sure I should be asking you that.”

“You’re shaking”

“I’m angry.”

“Because he called you a terrorist?” she asked softly.

“What? No, I get that and way worse at work all the time. Because of what he said to you.”

The Doctor shrugged. “Some humans are pretty ignorant but he’s far from the worst I’ve come across.”

“Do all cultures have bigots like him?”

“Most do. The Time Lords were awful, humans weren’t even allowed no Gallifrey. They thought they were the most superior race in the universe and above everyone.”

“Well you turned out okay.”

The Doctor smiled. “Thanks. I never did fit in with them. Why I left and took my granddaughter with me, she was like me. Susan was always kind. She was a much better person than I’ll ever be.”

“Susan has never been forced to make some of the decisions you’ve been forced into” Yaz pointed out gently. “You always do the best you can with the information you have and that’s all anyone can ask of you.”

They had arrived back at the hotel room and Yaz let them in.

“I was so proud of you for standing up for yourself, he was an awful man.”

“I was proud of you too, though I think maybe next time you go to work you should definitely wear the bikini, I guarantee you that no one will need to be chased through rubbish dumps.”

“Why?”

“Cause you look incredible, they’ll all have to stop and stare.”

“Only you get to stare…”

The Doctor took Yaz’s arms again and pulled her in closer, encouraging Yaz to straddle her lap and kissing her hard and urgently.

She could feel Yaz’s hands, one was tangled in her hair and the other stroking lightly down her spine as she eagerly returned the kisses.

“You’re amazing, you know that?” she asked, each word punctuated by a kiss, before losing herself in the moment allowing her hands to slip lower down her partners waist.


	66. Chapter 66

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks Shambling :)

By Thursday night, Yaz was glad to wave Vera and Jennifer off to go back to Sheffield and head back to the hotel room she was sharing with the Doctor. She had enjoyed the conference and had learned a lot but it was a lot of time to spend with colleagues and while Vera had never been out and out rude, she definitely had an attitude towards the Doctor and Yaz’s relationship that Yaz didn’t like.

The Doctor was having a particularly good week ever since the incident where she had stood up for herself in the pool and it given her a little more confidence which Yaz was enjoying. She had been keeping herself busy in the hotel room doing physio and while Yaz would have liked her to maybe go out and explore a little it would have been a big ask seeing as she hadn’t yet made it to their corner shop at home. She was using her cycle a lot, in the mornings Yaz had been putting her prosthetic on for her and after breakfast she would spend an hour or so cycling it while sitting in her wheelchair. She would have a short break before putting the cycle on the desk in the hotel room and pedalling with her hands instead. The first two days Yaz had come to collect her from the hotel room for lunch and walked her to the dining room, staying close the whole time but the last few days she had just sent a quick text as the speaker was wrapping up and the Doctor would meet her in the dining room. She spent the afternoon working on her hands because despite the splints she wore at night to straighten them, they continued to curl up as soon as she took them off again the next morning. Yaz quietly resolved that as soon as they were home she was going to do some more research on therapies to strengthen the Doctor’s hands so they could come up with some kind of plan together, her lack of dexterity was really holding her back now as she struggled to become more independent again.

Privately, although Yaz was very much enjoying the high the Doctor was experiencing, she was just waiting for the inevitable crash that was sure to follow and she would once again be scraping her girlfriend off the floor, either literally, metaphorically or both. Hopefully she could sustain it for their few days of holiday at least.

Yaz headed back to their hotel room and knocked lightly on the door before letting herself in as she always did. The Doctor wasn’t in the bedroom but Yaz could hear her moving in the bathroom. That was another new skill she had picked up over the last few days: using the grab bars to get on or off the loo. It was good for her to have the independence to move around in the bathroom as she didn’t have it at home. Yaz still had to carry her up the stairs and as she had needed full support to get in or out of bed, shower and use the loo anyway they had never bothered bring her wheelchair up with them. It would be a faff, but maybe they could take Graham’s old one and leave it upstairs, then Yaz would only have to carry her up and down and the Doctor could do most of the rest now. It would certainly save her back.

“I didn’t hear you come back” the Doctor said, wheeling out of the bathroom and greeting Yaz with a soft kiss.

“Just got here a few minutes ago.”

“How soon can you ready to go out?”

“Out?” asked Yaz. “Did we have plans?”

“Nope but I’m taking you on a date.”

“Really?” asked Yaz smiling, “Where are we going?”

“Go and get changed and you’ll find out.”

“When did you do this?”

“Yesterday” she replied impatiently, shoving Yaz through the bathroom door. “Hurry up, you’re so annoying when you think we’re gonna be late.”

“Only because you’re never bothered.”

“I’m a time traveller Yaz, when you turn up decades too late for stuff then you can start complaining, until then just go and have a shower or get changed or whatever it is you do before we go places.”

Rolling her eyes at her girlfriends description of a woman getting ready to go out Yaz headed into the bathroom for a quick shower, she felt disgusting after sitting in the hot, stuffy conference room all day. She came out wrapped in just a towel and rummaged in her wardrobe for something to wear. The Doctor wasn’t wearing anything special so she settled for her favourite black skinny jeans and a loose fitting silky blouse which she tucked into her waistband. She accessorised with the large, gold earrings Sonya had given her and settled on flat black boots in case she ended up having to lift the Doctor or push her up a steep hill.

“You’re staring at me” Yaz commented lightly, although she had her back to the Doctor, she could feel the other woman’s eye on her.

“Sorry” Yaz could practically hear her blush and heard her flick her wheels to turn round.

“Doctor we’ve been together a long time, you’re allowed to look. Or more than look if you want to.” Yaz reassured her.

The Doctor escaped the conversation by going into the bathroom to brush her teeth and Yaz let her go. The topic of sex and being intimate was always going to be difficult for her given her history. She was incredibly self-conscious over the fact that she couldn’t have sex and Yaz had been more than slightly surprised when she had initiated things a few nights ago, even if they had kept the whole thing fairly PG. It made sense for her to initiate from her chair though, in it she was becoming more confident and able, out of it she was like a fish out of water, still struggling to independently roll over or get into a sitting position.

“I’m ready” Yaz called through the closed bathroom door and the Doctor appeared almost instantly as though she had been waiting. She probably had.

Yaz followed the Doctor out of the hotel where she turned right confidently, she seemed to know where she was going and Yaz took her hand, enjoying the pleasant walk through Edinburgh’s streets. The evening was pleasantly warm with a soft breeze blowing past them, softly blowing Yaz’s hair and flicking the ends of the Doctor’s ever present scarf.

“Do I get to know where we’re going yet?” asked Yaz.

“Nope. But we’re nearly there I think.” She replied. They were closer to the centre of town now and there were more people around, may of whom were staring but the Doctor seemed calm and in control.

“No you didn’t!” Yaz gasped, stopping suddenly and effectively stopping the Doctor as well.

“Is it okay?”

“You are amazing!” Yaz choked out, feeling slightly emotional as she kissed the Doctor in an unusual display of public affection.

The Doctor laughed, returning the kiss.

“I can’t believe you remembered that Billy Elliot is my favourite movie, I’ve always wanted to see the stage production.”

“I felt so bad that you didn’t get to see it because of me.”

“You’re totally forgiven!” Yaz laughed, bouncing slightly in her excitement.

“You could have gone without me.”

Yaz looked at her. “Seriously? Doctor the night we should have been in the theatre was the night your temperature was nearly double what it should have been, and we had to put you in an ice bath. You nearly stopped breathing and we didn’t think you would live through the night and you seriously think I would have gone to the theatre?”

“I don’t want you to miss out on anything by being with me.”

“God you’re infuriating sometimes. Don’t ruin this by saying we should have gone in London. We’re here now. You’re getting healthy, and that’s all that matters. Let’s just go and enjoy it.”

Yaz started walking again, unwilling to relive the night when she thought the Doctor was going to die and the Doctor caught her easily.

“Sorry Yaz”

“Stop apologising for things you don’t have control over. I want to be with you no matter what. You’re working so hard and you’ve improved so much and if this is as good as it gets then I still love you and I still want to be with you… though I deserve the right for us to move to a bungalow.”

The Doctor went to apologise again but stopped herself at Yaz’s look. Instead she reached for her girlfriends hand and led them into the theatre through the circle bar entrance which was apparently step free from the street to the seats in the circle.

They were greeted by a cheerful, teenage girl with an alarmingly high, shiny ponytail who showed them to their seats.

“You haven’t booked a transfer seat” she explained “But we’re not full tonight so if you want to change your mind that’s fine.”

“I’m fine in my own chair thanks” the Doctor said, parking it beside Yaz’s theatre seat. Her own wheelchair was comfortable and she couldn’t be bothered to transfer, it was hard work.

“No worries, you can have seat service from the bar if you like for during the interval. I can place an order for you now?”

“Can I have an orange juice and lemonade?” Yaz asked.

“Sure thing… and for you?” she turned her attention back to the Doctor.

“I’ll have the same thanks.”

Yaz and the Doctor watched as the theatre slowly filled up round them, the noise level growing to a pleasant buzzing sound. When the heavy red curtains lifted the theatre burst into spontaneous applause. The Doctor jumped but joined in and Yaz linked her arm as the show started.

“That was incredible!” Yaz sang, humming the tune to Solidarity under her breath as she and the Doctor left the theatre a couple of hours later. “Thank-you for doing this for me.”

“I had fun too Yaz.”

“I’m glad. I’m always worried that you’re not happy when we go out together.”

“I’m happy when I’m with you.” She replied simply.

“I’m happy with you too”

“You know what would make me even happier right now?”

“No, what?”

“Dessert!”

Yaz laughed. “You and your sweet tooth. Shall we go for a walk and see what can we find then?” She took hold of the Doctor’s hand again and they started strolling down the street. It was still light out, just about and as they walked there were buskers performing and various local establishments selling kebabs, alcohol and ice-cream.

Finally they settled on a stand selling ice-cream inside funnels of deep fried batter that had been rolled in cinnamon and sugar. Yaz declined when the vendor offered to deep fry the ice-cream as well but unsurprisingly the Doctor took him up on the offer enthusiastically. They wandered over to a bench and Yaz sat down beside her girlfriend who was making as much mess as a three year old with her treat. Yaz rolled her eyes and handed her the wodge of napkins she had had the foresight to grab.

In front of them was an entertaining singer and musician who was singing something Yaz vaguely recognised and she was pretty sure her dad listened to.

“Did you enjoy the conference?” the Doctor asked interestedly.

“Yeah, I’ve never been on one before. Lot of time to spend with my colleagues though.”

“Thought you liked your colleagues?”

“I do!” Yaz protested. “Jennifer was fine, but Vera was really getting on my last nerve by this afternoon.”

“Hmmm… she didn’t take to me very well either.”

“That’s why she was annoying me. Considering what we do all day, I was surprised she found it so hard to talk to you.” Yaz mused.

“What do you mean?”

“Just, when we meet people we don’t know or more specifically you don’t know, lots of them don’t know what to say to you and I get it but Vera spends her days working with victims of horrific crimes, just like you, some are worse off, and it never gets to her.”

“She never has to socialise with those people though.”

“I suppose.”

“Did you learn much?”

“We talked about policy a _lot_.” Yaz grimaced. “But the case studies were interesting.”

“Wait, how did yours go? I completely forgot to ask! I’m a terrible girlfriend.”

“You were a bit preoccupied.” Yaz pointed out.

“Yeah… sorry about that.”

“Plus you asked me about it at the time.”

“Did I? I don’t remember it at all.”

“You never do, but you asked my at least twenty times, it was really stuck in your head.”

“Stupid brain” the Doctor muttered, hitting herself on the side of her head with her closed fist.

“Hey” Yaz said, grabbing the Doctor’s wrist. “You’re not stupid.”

“No one else’s brains keep short circuiting into seizures. What else would you call it?”

“Damaged. Not stupid. You’re the least stupid person I’ve ever met.”

The Doctor snorted. “Yeah cause damaged is so much better than stupid.”

“Yes it is, damaged things have the opportunity to heal and repair and learn. Stupid people are always stupid and usually too stupid to know they’re stupid and do something about it.”

“Tell me about your speech, I’ll remember this time.”

“Well Jennifer made me and Vera do it as you know, said it was good experience. I did the introduction about how she was found and talked about how she opened up to us on the floor of a hospital room over a McDonalds. Then Vera took over and went through the main bit about the procedures and what we learned and I closed with next steps.”

“Did Jennifer think you did well?”

“Uhh she bolted out to you about 30 seconds after I started speaking” Yaz admitted. “It took every ounce of self-restraint I have to not go tearing after her, but I left her my room key for a reason.”

“Then what happened?”

“As soon as I had done the introduction Vera sent me after her, she knew I wouldn’t be able to focus anyway. Plus I wouldn’t be needed for forty minutes. By the time I got there your seizure had stopped and you were half conscious. You were alternating between saying something in High Galifreyan and asking Jennifer if she was human.”

“God that’s embarrassing. What language did you tell her I was speaking?”

“Irish. We put you on the bed but you kept telling me you had to be in a council meeting and when I went to get you clean pyjamas you wouldn’t put them on because you were waiting for your robes.”

“Do I normally do that after a seizure?”

“No, you’re normally way more out of it. But it was a short seizure as well, only just over a minute, usually you go for at least six just to scare me as much as possible. Usually can’t get you to say anything at all and you’re totally dead to the world in a few minutes. What was with the robes?”

“Time Lords wear ceremonial robes. They were an awfully pompous lot, crimson robes with the most ridiculous collars you’ve ever seen, you would have laughed at me a lot.”

“When was the last time you wore them?”

“Uhhh… she rubbed her nose thinking, “maybe my fourth self? I’ve never been one for ceremony. What did you tell Jennifer?”

“That when you lived in Ireland you served on your local council and wore robes.”

“Do I sound like I’m from Ireland?”

“Not even a little bit, you sound like a local, but she thinks you grew up in foster care which is why you have no family to help us out, so you could have spent time living anywhere.”

“Please tell me you went back to finish your presentation.”

“Yeah I did. I finally persuaded you to change into dry pyjamas, told you it was just until your robes got there but they would be more comfortable to wait in. Then Jennifer made me go back and she sat with you for a bit. Apparently you were talking nonsense about aliens until you fell asleep, I told her you were a sci-fi fan. You were up again by lunchtime.”

“Yeah my memory picks it up from there. It’s so frustrating losing big chunks of time. My memory has more holes than Swiss Cheese.”

“I’m sure it is but you only have to ask, I’ll fill in any blanks you have.”

The Doctor leaned over and rested her head against Yaz’s shoulder and Yaz let hers drop down on the Doctor’s head.

“Do you mind if we go shopping this weekend? I need to find something for my cousins wedding.”

“No, not at all. What are you going to wear?”

“Not sure. My Auntie Fareeda is very traditional so she’ll probably disapprove of whatever I wear. Probably a shalwar, it’s kind of like a long top or dress and you wear it with trousers or a skirt and sandals, it’s what Sonya and mum will be wearing. Nani will probably wear a sharara.”

“What about me?”

“What do you mean?”

“What do I have to wear?”

“Oh. Whatever you want. As long as it’s modest. Maybe dress up a bit from what you normally do.”

“I’m serious Yaz. Your family is very important to you and it’s the first time I’ve met most of them. I’m not going to be what they’re expecting, I don’t want to turn up in the wrong outfit.”

“Would you mind wearing something traditional? You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“I would wear a sack if you asked me to” the Doctor said, planting a soft kiss on Yaz’s cheek.

“You can wear your robes with the collar if you like?” Yaz sniggered. “They sound really fetching.”

“Not a chance.”

“Will you show them to me some time?”

“No. I balled them up and hid them in the back of the wardrobe. I tried to burn them but the TARIDS wouldn’t let me.”

“Bet the TARDIS would show me if I asked her nicely.”

“She probably would” the Doctor admitted, annoyed at her own ships disloyalty. “She always did like you” she added softly.

“You’ll get her back Doctor. When we get back we’re gonna figure out a plan to get your hands more functional and then you can start working properly again.”

The Doctor hummed non-committedly.

“Only if you want to Doctor. You know you can stay with me for as long as you want to. Even if you do find the TARDIS, I love having you around.”

“I know.”

Yaz shivered suddenly, they had been so wrapped up in their conversation that evening had turned to night. Most of the buskers were packing up, the crowds were thinning and the light sky was getting darker with every minute.

The Doctor struggled out of her jacket and wrapped it round Yaz’s shoulders.

“Perfect gentleman, don’t you need it?”

“I’ve had four thousand years to practice, I’d like to think so. Besides. I don’t really get cold, you know that.”

“Thank-you.”

Yaz stood up and took the Doctor’s hand again as the two of them made their ay back to the hotel.

The Doctor produced the key from her pocket where the sonic was kept and let them in.

“I had a lot of fun tonight.”

“Me too.” Said Yaz softly, sinking down onto the edge of the bed and kicking her boots off. The Doctor painstakingly took off her own shoe and transferred herself onto the bed to sit beside Yaz.

“Do you want to see what really bad movies they have?” the Doctor suggested.

“Sure.”

Yaz slid to the far side of the bed and picked up the remote from the bedside table, turning on the TV while the Doctor worked to move back onto the bed, leaning against the headboard. As soon as she was settled and stable Yaz moved in close to cuddle in beside her and flicked on the film she had chosen.

“The Princess Diaries?” the Doctor questioned, raising her eyebrows.

“Don’t knock it, this was mine and Sonya’s favourite film when we were growing up. I haven’t seen it for ages!”

The Doctor shrugged and wrapped her arms around Yaz anyway, contentedly leaning in against her girlfriend.

Yaz reached up and kissed her, softly and felt the Doctor slide her hands down, allowing them to get tangled in her hair.

The kisses were soft and sweet, totally different from their urgent make-out session earlier in the week.

Yaz reciprocated, sitting up more and tugging the Doctor forward slightly as she slid her hands under her girlfriend’s shirt, lightly running her fingers down her spine.

The Doctor pulled her in closer and Yaz ended up straddling her as the Doctor’s pulled her blouse out of her trousers and slid her hands under Yaz’s top, tracing the outline of Yaz’s abs. As she got higher she pulled at the blouse and Yaz helped the Doctor relieve her of it.

“Can I?” asked Yaz between kisses, tugging lightly at the Doctor’s top.

The Doctor hesitated but nodded. Yaz was careful as she pulled it over her head and tossed them to join her own on the floor.

“You okay?” Yaz checked before they went any further.

“Yeah I’m good.” The Doctor reassured her as she resumed her kissing of Yaz, this time, her kisses were getting lower, going down Yaz’s neck and towards her breasts. Yaz gave a small moan of pleasure and her fingers tangled in with the Doctor’s. She kissed the Doctor, her own kisses skipping lightly down the Doctor’s scarred left shoulder. The Doctor was panting slightly beneath her.

“Do you need to stop?” Yaz whispered.

“Don’t you dare.”

Yaz could feel her heart skip a beat and time seemed to stand still as the Doctor’s lips brushed against her breasts.

The Doctor was hyper aware of the grey-blue lace of Yaz’s bra. She fumbled in her attempt to undo the clasp and Yaz did it quickly, almost impatiently, her lips never faltering where they were working their way down the Doctor’s shoulder.

As soon as the clasp was undone, the Doctor shoved her whole fist under the strap and pulled it off Yaz, adding it to the pile on the floor. Her breath was coming faster, as if she couldn’t get physically close enough to Yaz but that didn’t stop her pulling Yaz in closer and trying anyway, her hands locked around Yaz’s waist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have never been to a Pakistani wedding so if anyone has any advice on that I would receive it gratefully!


	67. Chapter 67

“I didn’t know Edinburgh was so hilly.” Yaz panted as she pushed the Doctor’s chair up yet another hill.

“It was built on an extinct volcano, didn’t you know that?” the Doctor answered, helping Yaz out as best she could and also panting with exertion.

“No, I don’t have an encyclopaedic knowledge of everywhere on the planet.” Yaz grumbled as she shook out her arms at the top of the hill.

“It’s basic knowledge of your own island Yaz.”

“It’s what Google Maps was invented for.” Yaz retorted, allowing the wheelchair to rest against her thigh so it didn’t roll back down the hill, she didn’t trust the brakes on such a steep hill, as she checked it again to make sure they were still going in the right direction. “Just up this street on the left.” She huffed, taking the handles of the chair and pushing off again, lamenting the loss of momentum.

Finally (or so it felt) they reached the non-descript shop, tucked down the small side street. There were three steep steps leading into the shop and Yaz rolled her eyes. The Doctor could get herself up and down small steps like kerbs, Yaz could get her up large ones but three was a challenge. She opened the door and called in, asking for assistance.

A small man appeared with glasses. He gulped nervously when he saw the Doctor’s chair.

“Do you have a ramp?” Yaz asked politely.

“Uhh, no, sorry. We’ve never needed one before.”

“It’s the law.” Yaz said coldly.

“We’ve never had a customer in a wheelchair before” the man protested weakly.

“You have one now. Maybe you’ve never had one before because they can’t get through the door.”

“Can I help?”

The Doctor spoke up. “No. I can see inside your shop from here. You have some lovely stuff but your aisles are so narrow my chair will never fit through and I doubt you have an accessible changing room or even one big enough for me to fit into with my chair. Which is particularly annoying because we came all the way here just to visit your shop.”

“I could bring things out” the man offered.

The Doctor raised her eyebrows. “Are you suggesting that I try on clothes in the street?”

He stuttered. “No of course not...”

The Doctor flicked the brakes on her chair confidently. “Thankyou for your time.” Her words were polite but her tone was anything but as she gripped the rims of her chair as tightly as she could to control her descent down the hill.

“Sorry, I didn’t even think that we might not be able to get in.” Yaz apologised, she was walking beside her but had one hand on a handle of the chair in case the Doctor lost her grip.

“You shouldn’t have to. He’s breaking the law. You could have gone in and looked.”

“No way. I’m not leaving you sitting on your own in some back street in Edinburgh while I go and try on clothes.”

“Hopefully the next shop is better. If it’s not I can go back to the hotel and you could come back here.”

“Well if there’s one thing the two of us have learned the last few years it’s that the world is far less accessible than we like to think it is and if the next shop isn’t suitable we’ll either shop in Sheffield or get something online.”

Google Maps showed the next shop was a twenty minute walk away and this time it was fairly level. Yaz was impressed at the Doctor’s stamina as she pushed herself the whole way without help, easily the longest distance she had covered.

“Just at the end of that street” Yaz announced, pointing to a street a few yards in front of them on their left.

“Oh come on” the Doctor groaned. The street was cobble stoned, the medieval sort that were deep and the bane of wheelchair users and mothers with pushchairs alike.

Yaz was less annoyed by the cobble stones than she had been about the steps – the shop should have had a ramp. The cobblestones had been there for hundreds of years and would spoil Edinburgh’s stunning architecture to remove them.

The Doctor tipped her chair into a wheelie and Yaz grabbed the handles of her chair, together they were able to get the Doctor down the street to the shop though she was terribly jostled and it caused her leg to start spasming. She rubbed at it impatiently outside the shop until it calmed down and Yaz hauled her up the single step into the shop. It was much bigger than the previous one with open aisles they could get through easily.

They browsed for a few minutes and Yaz picked out a few items she wanted to try on.

“Is there nothing you like?” asked Yaz after she had hung four salwars in the dressing room to try. She was surprised that there was an accessible changing room – a reasonably sized space with a small stool and grab bars

“I don’t think these skirts will mix well with my wheels” she said quietly.

“I didn’t think you would want to wear a skirt, I’ve never seen you wear one.”

“I never have but if that’s what everyone else is wearing.”

Yaz led her over to a rail of salwars that were a different style to the ones she had picked out for herself. The ones she had chosen all had longline tops with large, heavy skirts but these ones were lighter, the tops slightly longer and came with wide legged trousers.

“How about something more like this?”

“They’re beautiful, I’ve never worn anything like it.”

She reached out and touched one in a deep blue colour, mindful of her dirty hands. Yaz lifted it off the rail.

“Nice choice” she said approvingly. “Are there any others you want to try?”

The Doctor shook her head and they made their way to the changing rooms. She undressed and Yaz helped her into the outfit.

“You look amazing!”

“It doesn’t fit very well” the Doctor argued, looking at herself in the mirror. The fabric wasn’t designed for someone sitting in a chair and folded unflatteringly across her stomach but stuck out at the sides where it was too big for her tiny frame. The trousers swamped her completely. Yaz took a step back and looked at her critically.

“They didn’t have anything slimmer in the trousers but Nani always modifies bits and pieces for us so she would be able to make them narrower for you and take in the salwar at the sides. I think that would help with the bit across your tummy too.”

“Will she mind?”

“Nah. Don’t think I’ve ever bought anything traditional like this that she hasn’t modified for me in some way. It’s kind of expected. She’s teaching mum but Nani is a much better seamstress. She did all the embroidery on your scarf by hand.”

The Doctor subconsciously rubbed her fingers down the rainbow stitches of the pale blue-grey scarf.

“Will you need to cover your head?” she asked interestedly.

She knew Yaz had several hijabs in her wardrobe, indeed she had worn one before Najia had given her the scarf, but she rarely saw her wear them, usually only when she was going to the Mosque which wasn’t very often.

“I will for the ceremony but not the reception. Auntie Fareeda might kick me out if I didn’t. Wait here for a sec, I want to see if they have one that will match your salwar.”

Yaz darted out of the dressing room but appeared a few minutes later with a scarf and a pair of blue and gold mojaris.

“May I?” she asked, holding them out.

The Doctor nodded and Yaz took her boot off, swapping it for the sandal and swapped her usual scarf which she normally wore in a plain, purposeful style simply to cover her scars for the blue and gold embroidered one Yaz had picked up, draping it in a softer style to normal.

“What do you think?”

“Weird seeing myself in a dress” she said softly. “I was only just getting used to being a woman, it’s weird, there’s all sorts of curves and squishy bits in strange places. Then I was captured, and it was used against me. Then I was starting to get used to having one leg and now I’m just starting to get used to being in the chair all the time but I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the scars.” She rubbed her face self-consciously. “A dress is just another thing to get used to.”

Yaz crouched so they were at eye level. “It’s okay to mourn the person you were Doctor. That doesn’t make the person you’ve become any less valid. And you don’t have to wear it if you’re not comfortable. We can get you a suit if you prefer, you looked incredible when we were dealing with Barton.”

It was the last thing Yaz had seen her in before she simply hadn't come home.

The Doctor took a breath. “No, this is fine, especially if your Nani can help it fit better. This is the first time I’m meeting your extended family, I want to make the effort.”

“I think what you’re wearing will be the least of my families worries.”

“Do you think they’ll have a problem with the chair?” asked the Doctor worriedly.

“Probably but they’ll have a bigger issue with your gender. They won't say anything on the day, but I’ll hear all about it afterwards.”

“Do they know you’re gay?”

“No… just mum, dad, Sonya and Nani know.”

“Are you worried? Should I be worried?”

“You shouldn’t be. They’ll look at us funny and disapprovingly, but I get those anyway because I’m not married and I don’t live with my parents and I don’t wear the hijab and I’m in the police.”

“I didn’t know your family were so traditional.”

“Mum’s isn’t, dads is. Fareeda is dad’s older sister. Mum had a lot of issues when they were going out because she doesn’t wear a hijab. They blame all mine and Sonya’s ‘failings’ on her. It’s why we don’t see them much.”

“Would it help if I told them I was a man for four thousand years and have only been a woman for five or six?”

Yaz laughed. “Funnily enough Doctor, no. I don’t think that would help. All that would do is make them think you're mentally unstable.”

A short while later Yaz and the Doctor got off the tram near Edinburgh Castle and after a walk that involved a lot of steep hills, high kerbs and cobblestones they arrived at Edinburgh’s most famous tourist attraction which dominated the skyline. They had brought sandwiches from the city centre with them for their lunch and before they went in they sat in the grass with their picnic enjoying the stunning view of the city spread out beneath them like a blanket.

“I love days like this” Yaz sighed softly.

“In what way?”

“I always think that when the weather is nice like this it’s like the world is smiling down on us. You’re having a good day, so I don’t feel the need to worry about you as much. My own mood is pretty good. We get to spend time together.”

“I wish you wouldn’t worry about me.”

“I think I’ve earned the right to worry at this point. Besides, being your girlfriend comes with free worrying privileges. You can worry about me too if you feel the need.”

“Should I be worrying about you?”

“I’m fine. We have a lot coming up in the next few weeks though. We’ve finally got that training talk that’s been rescheduled about three times. We’ve got the wedding, I’m going to start doing more regular hours again and Maisie’s trial is coming up… and I have my first session with a psychiatrist on Tuesday.” She added the last bit in a small voice a if it was something to be ashamed of.

“You never said.”

Yaz shrugged. She wasn’t particularly comfortable with the idea yet.

“I’m proud of you Yaz. It isn’t easy to ask for help, especially for your mental health.”

“I just… I remember the last time. I never told you this before…” she broke off looking upset and the Doctor waited patiently.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“No… I… I can tell you.” She remembered what Graham had said to her about how much the trust the Doctor put in her every day; trusted that Yaz wouldn’t hurt her, that she would help her meet her basic needs, that she wouldn’t drop her every time she needed to move, with the most intimate of tasks, with her pain, with her memories. It wouldn’t say much about their relationship if she couldn’t return that trust in a small way.

“You know when I was a teenager I tried to hurt myself… What you don’t know is that afterwards I tried again. The second time I got much closer, I took pills. A lot of them, when I was at school. I passed out before I could take enough though and when I was found I was rushed to hospital. My parents admitted me to the psychiatric ward after that against my will, I had to stay for a month. No one knows about that, not even Ryan. I didn’t have friends at the time to notice I wasn’t there but Izzie started the rumour that I was pregnant and my family had tried to kill me in an honour killing. It’s all I can think about every time I think about the appointment.”

The Doctor was speechless. She knew Yaz had tried to hurt herself, but she hadn't known that it had happened twice or that she had been kept in hospital for her own safety. She felt a rush of anger towards Izzie Flint who had caused Yaz so much pain.

“Love, the psychiatrist is a doctor, he or she is there to help you, they’re not the bogey man.”

“I know but I keep dreaming that they’re going to lock me up again and then I start worrying about what would happen to you.”

“They’re not going to lock you up Yaz. I want to ask you something and I want you to be honest with me, even if it’s really hard okay?”

“What?” Yaz sniffed.

“Have you hurt yourself or thought about hurting yourself recently?”

Yaz sighed. “No. I mean I’ve thought a lot about what I did in the past but I haven’t thought about doing it again. I couldn’t do that to you or my family or Ryan or anyone else.”

“Yaz you shouldn’t want to hurt yourself for you, not for us. But you’re not a danger to yourself or anyone else. They’re going to help you, not lock you away.”

“Would you come with me?” Yaz whispered.

“To the psychiatrist?”

Yaz nodded.

“Of course I will. You don’t even have to ask.”

“Thanks.”

The Doctor was still in her chair and from her position on the ground Yaz leaned in, leaning herself against her girlfriend’s leg. The Doctor rested her hand on Yaz’s shoulder, squeezing it tightly.

“You’re gonna be okay Yaz. The doctor will help you sort stuff out in your head. It might be a bit hard to begin with but you’ll get there and in the long run it’ll make you feel a lot better.”

“Yeah I know… can we go in now, I don’t want to spoil our holiday by talking about this stuff.” She asked, clambering to her feet.

“Hey” the Doctor said, grabbing Yaz lightly around the wrist. “You can always talk to me about this stuff. No matter where we are or when we are or even if you think I’m having a crap day. Because I’m still your girlfriend and that means I’m here for you just as much as you are for me.”

Yaz resisted the temptation to hug her, knowing she would probably break down if she did. Instead she chucked their litter in the nearest bin and gave the Doctor a push up the sloped, cobbles to get to the inside of the castle where they were issued tickets. As usual, they weren’t asked what sort they would like and the Doctor got a reduced rate for a disabled person while Yaz got in free as her carer. The Doctor tried not to let other peoples perception of her annoy her but she couldn’t even convince herself that Yaz wasn’t her carer because she most definitely was. A wave of shame flooded through her as she thought about what she put Yaz through every day. But she was her girlfriend too. She briefly remembered a conversation abord a spaceship with she was her former self and travelling with Clara… _“I’m his carer”…. “She cares so I don’t have to.”_

They were directed to the museum first which was probably the most accessible part of the castle with smooth wood floors and plenty of space between exhibits.

“Did you know the crown jewels were lost for more than a century?” asked the Doctor as they examined the magnificent crown.

“No, what happened to them?”

“Well after England and Scotland unified under one crown in 1707 they were just locked away in a chest in the castle and forgotten about. But then in 1818 I was here with Walter Scott and we got a bit carried away in a game of hide and seek and I found them again. I let him have the credit though.”

Yaz giggled at the thought of the Doctor running round the castle playing hide and seek.

“They got hidden again in World War Two in case they were taken by the Nazis but other than that they’ve been displayed in the castle ever since.”

“How come no one knows you Doctor, you seem to have played a part in loads of major earth history moments.”

“Good at blending into the background me. And people don’t like what they can't explain, how do you explain a man just appearing, helping you with the tricky bit and running off again without taking any of the credit?”

“Fair point. I suppose people like to take credit for themselves.”

“Never underestimate what people will do for power and vanity Yaz. And I am in your history books occasionally, if you know what to look for but it makes it easier when my face keeps changing.”

“Is this the longest you’ve ever been on earth? Or one place?”

“Nah, I stand still occasionally. I was exiled to earth by the Timelords as punishment once. And right before I met you I spent seventy-five years working as a lecturer at St. Lukes University guarding a vault.”

“Wait…” Yaz struggled to put the pieces together. “My friend went there, her favourite lecturer just disappeared one day and was never found. There was a huge man hunt, everyone thought he had thrown himself in the river, was that you?”

The Doctor shrugged. “Probably.”

“There’s a big memorial for you there now apparently.”

“Really?” she asked interestedly.

“What was it you were saying about being vain Doctor?” Yaz teased. “Anyway how come you never went back?”

“And do what Yaz? I left there as a white haired Scotsman, died and came back as a woman, half his age and Yorkshire. Who in their right mind would have believed we were the same person?.. I wonder what they did with my things from my office?”

“Is there something there you want?”

“Not really it’s just… there were some photographs on my desk. It would be nice to have them back.”

“If you want them Doctor I’m sure we could come up with something to get them if the university kept them.”

“Yeah” she agreed brightly “maybe we could! Sure it would just take a flash of psychic paper!”

Yaz and the Doctor spent the next several hours wandering around the castle but by the time the late afternoon the Doctor was wilting before Yaz’s eyes and she finally relented and agreed to go back to the hotel to rest before dinner. They had decided to do similar to what they had done the previous evening and find somewhere to eat for dinner and go for another wander through the city, enjoying the buskers. But as Yaz helped her into bed she could tell that a quiet evening in with room service was more likely, the Doctor had pushed herself too far during the day and was shaking with exhaustion. If Yaz let her she would probably be able to sleep through until morning even though it was just gone 4pm. Well, they could make a decision when she’d rested.

The Doctor was out in just a few minutes and Yaz hung up the outfits they had bought for the wedding that morning carefully.

Yaz was craving something sweet and she scribbled the Doctor a hasty note before tiptoeing out of the hotel room to the shop on the corner to find some chocolate.

The shop was a five minute walk away, they had passed it several times and it was often busy with hospital staff as the hospital was just across the street. It was a typical corner shop selling sweets, basic goods, cigarettes, cheap alcohol, cards and newspapers.

Yaz headed straight for the confectionery aisle and was debating between a Twirl or Chocolate buttons.

“Yaz?”

She jumped slightly as someone said her name, she didn’t know anyone in Scotland.

“Dr Jones?” she gasped.


	68. Chapter 68

Back at their hotel room, Yaz paced anxiously for a while, trying to distract herself. Then, wary of disturbing the Doctor who really needed the sleep she tried to read for a while. When that failed, she turned the TV on quietly and when that still didn’t work she sat, jiggling her leg impatiently.

When she couldn’t stand it anymore she slipped into the bathroom, closed the door behind her and pulled out her phone, dialling Ryan.

_“Hey Yaz! How’s the holiday? The Doctor alright?”_

_“Hi Yaz!”_ Graham added.

“The Doctor’s fine, she’s napping. We had a bit of an incident in the pool the other night but he stood up to herself and seems to be riding a bit of a high from that.”

_“Good for her!”_

_“What’s up Yaz, you’re on a weekend away with your girlfriend, you wouldn’t be phoning if there wasn’t a problem.”_

“I wanted chocolate but when I was at the shop, I met Dr Jones.”

_“What?”_

_“What happened?”_

“She invited us to dinner.”

_“Are you going?”_

“Don’t know, not up to me is it? I don’t want to spend an evening with her, not after what she did to us, to the Doctor.”

_“I think you’re right to let the Doc make the decision.”_

“She had a good morning but she didn’t get a lie down until gone four so I’m not sure how she’ll be when she wakes up. You know how stubborn she is, if she wants to go it won’t matter how bad she’s feeling.”

_“Still not your decision to make Yaz. We might not be Dr Jones’ biggest fans but she’s still a doctor. If the Doc has a seizure or anything she can help.”_

“Yeah I know. Don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop worrying about her now.”

_“That’s understandable, as long as your worry doesn’t stop her living her life.”_

“Yeah, I’d better go, I don’t want to wake her.”

_“Hey Yaz, take noted, we need details about what happens!” Ryan called as she hung up._

Finally, shortly after half six, when the Doctor had been resting for more than two hours, Yaz gently shook her awake.

As her eye opened, the Doctor stared at Yaz. She was dribbling vacantly and she stared at Yaz blankly in total confusion. Yaz took a tissue and wiped her face.

“It’s okay, take your time” Yaz said softly, waiting patiently for the Doctor to wake properly. Whenever she was woken from a deep sleep it always took her a few minutes to come back to full consciousness.

The Doctor mumbled something but her words were all stuck together and Yaz couldn’t unpick them.

“You’re okay, tell me again in a minute.” Yaz said, gently stroking a strand of hair from here it was tickling the Doctor’s face.

The Doctor blinked at her dopily.

“We’re in a hotel in Edinburgh. We went shopping this morning and then we went to the castle. We came back to the hotel and you’ve been asleep for a little over two hours, remember?” Yaz prompted.

The Doctor nodded, looking marginally less confused and gave a weak attempt to sit. Yaz wrapped an arm around her shoulders, helping her the rest of the way, shoving a few extra pillows down the Doctor’s back for extra support.

Yaz sat in front of her looking concerned. She put the back of her hand against the Doctor’s forehead but thankfully her skin felt as cool as it always did.

“Hey, you with me?” she asked.

The Doctor nodded.

“Can you talk to me?”

“I’m fine Yaz.” she stuttered eventually.

Yaz frowned. Her words were still slurred as though she had had way too much to drink and her body was still trembling lightly.

“Don’t lie to me.”

“Bit wobbly. Dizzy.” She admitted, conceding.

Yaz put her water bottle in her hands and supported her to drink, watching her carefully.

“You want half my twirl?” Yaz offered.

The Doctor nodded excitedly, still drinking, and Yaz handed it over, scrutinising her carefully as she fumbled with the already open wrapper.

“Here” Yaz took the chocolate back off her and unwrapped it before handing it over. Annoying as the Doctor was on a sugar high, Yaz suspected she needed the sugar to kick start her brain back into gear again.

“Oooh thanks” she enthused, cramming half the bar of chocolate into her mouth.

Yaz rolled her eyes affectionately. If the Doctor was refusing sweets Yaz knew to be very concerned but she was eating enthusiastically and coordinated enough to get the chocolate into her own mouth, so she was okay. She would probably be weak, shaky and tired for the rest of the evening and her speech would probably be slow and slurred as a result but chances were, she would be fine tomorrow.

“You’re staring at me Yaz.” she said through a mouthful of chocolate.

“I love you so much, you know that?”

“Of course I do. I love you too.”

Yaz waited until the Doctor had finished her chocolate and shoved her water bottle between her thighs for safe keeping.

“I need to tell you something?”

“Yeah?”

“When you were asleep I wanted chocolate, obviously, so I went out and I met Martha.” She said her word in a rush as if that would make them easier for the Doctor to hear.

“Oh… how’s Martha?”

“I was a bit rude to her.” Yaz admitted.

“What happened?”

_“Yaz?”_

_“Dr. Jones?”_

_“I… What brings you to Edinburgh?”_

_“Work conference. You? I thought you lived in Aberdeen?”_

_“I got a new job down here so we moved… How’s the Doctor? You seen her recently?” Martha asked awkwardly._

_“Don’t you think you should ask her that yourself?”_

_“She’s here?” Martha asked in surprise, looking round the shop._

_“In our hotel room.”_

_Yaz decided against disclosing that the Doctor was napping, that would only lead to more questions. The Doctor was intensely private and if Martha was really interested she would have picked up a phone at some point in the last two years._

_“Why don’t the two of you come round for dinner tonight if you can get her to stand still long enough?”_

_Yaz internally winced at Martha’s inadvertent choice of words. Getting the Doctor to stand would indeed be a miracle. And if wasn’t being still that was the problem._

_“It’s not my decision to make.” She said finally. “I’d have to ask her.”_

“So what do you want to do?” Yaz asked anxiously.

“I think I should go.” She said slowly. “I… is that okay?”

“It’s your decision Doctor, you don’t need my permission. If you want to go then I’ll support you and come with you.”

“You don’t like her do you?”

“I don’t know her. All I know about her is that she cut your leg off and left when you were on death’s door when the best any of us had was a first aid certificate… Tell me about her.”

The Doctor didn’t know where to start. “Martha… joined me when I was mourning. It wasn’t long after the Time War and I had been travelling with someone else, her name was Rose. Rose helped me heal after the war but when the cybermen and daleks invaded Canary Wharf she ended up in a parallel universe. She’s happy, her mum and sort of dad are there, and she married a kind of human version of me. I travelled on my own for a while and I was investigating the hospital where Martha was doing her residency. We ended up on the moon, I promised her one trip as a thank-you but she stayed for a year or so.”

“Why did she choose to leave?”

“She was in love with me” the Doctor admitted. “But I didn’t love her, not in that way. I could never be what she wanted. I knew how she felt but I pretended not to rather than deal with it, it was cruel of me. At the time I thought I loved Rose, now I’m not so sure. Martha went on to work with UNIT, she did great things. Saved the world even, but we never travelled together again after that.”

Yaz nodded, digesting the information.

“Does it bother you?” the Doctor asked her?”

“What?”

“That I used to love someone else, that Martha was in love with me?”

“Doctor, you’re ancient. Literally…”

“Rude.”

“It would be weirder if you had never been in a relationship at all. And I don’t think Martha is going to make a move on you, she’s married.”

“How long until we need to go out?”

“We’ve got some time. Do you need anything?”

“Can you help me stretch?” she asked, looking at her knee in embarrassment.

“Of course I can. We brought a yoga mat for you to lie on.”

Yaz retrieved it from the bottom of the wardrobe where she had stashed it and unrolled it onto the floor before lifting the Doctor down as well.

Her muscles were rigid and difficult to work. She was completely lucid so Yaz wasn’t particularly worried that she was going to have a seizure but she was stiff, shaky and in pain. A combination of how far she had pushed herself that morning and how late she had slept. She really needed her afternoon rest straight after lunch followed by a reasonably early night. Even if she felt fine after lunch she would crash hard mid-afternoon which had happened today.

Yaz glanced at her phone, checking the address Martha had texted her. It was another cobbled street filled with tall, traditional, Edinburgh tenements on either side. It was pretty in an oldy-worldly kind of way and built hundreds of years before accessibility was something to be considered. Even though Martha was only fifteen minutes away Yaz had pushed the Doctor most of the way. Really, she needed to be taking it easy, not heading out for the evening. The Doctor tipped her chair back into a wheelie and made an effort to help Yaz push her halfway down the street to the address Martha had indicated. By the time they got there her leg was spasming out of control making her hiss in discomfort and annoyance. They let themselves in and the Doctor rubbed impatiently at her leg trying to get it to calm down while Yaz tried to figure out which floor Martha lived on.

“Oh for crying out loud.” She muttered.

“What’s the matter?”

“She lives on the sixth floor.” Yaz groaned. “Why didn’t she mention that?”

“Did you tell her I’m in a wheelchair full time?” the Doctor asked reasonably.

“No, but she did your amputation, she knows it’s above knee. You would have struggled with six flights of stairs even when you were walking.”

“People don’t think about it when they don’t live with it every day, we both know that… What do you want to do?”

“What do you mean?”

The Doctor snorted to cover her embarrassment. “Yaz my chances of making it up six flights under my own steam are the same as my leg growing back.” Her leg gave a particularly big jerk, almost unseating her entirely and she hit it in frustration.

Yaz looked at the stairs contemplating. She vaguely considered phoning Martha for help, but Martha was no bigger than she was and not used to carrying another person the way Yaz was. She was married, but Yaz had no idea how big or strong her husband was, and she wouldn’t expect the Doctor to allow a man, especially a stranger, to get so close anyway. Her issues with PTSD and men in general had fallen to the back burner in their current situation but they were very much still present.

“I’m not sure I can carry you that far the way I normally do… if I were to give you a piggy-back do you think you could hold on?”

“Umm… maybe. Probably.”

The Doctor struggled for a moment with the simple clasp on her seatbelt and shuffled forwards, clasping her arms around Yaz’s shoulders as firmly as she could manage. Yaz grasped her tightly around her thighs and lifted her more easily than she thought she would be able to.

She was panting slightly by the time she made it to the sixth floor landing and her thighs were burning. She deposited the Doctor carefully on the top step.

“Should do that more often” she puffed “great workout.”

“Sorry…”

“Stop apologising for things you can’t control… Do you want me to ring the doorbell or go and get your chair first?”

The Doctor looked suddenly nervous. She wasn’t great at meeting new people, but Yaz could imagine that meeting people she had known before and who could see the change in her would be even more difficult.

Her leg spasmed again and Yaz quickly grabbed her shoulder to steady her.

“Okay, I’ll go and ger your chair first. _Don’t_ fall down the stairs while I’m gone yeah?”

Getting her wheelchair up the tight stairs was more difficult than it had been to piggy-back the Doctor up. Although the ultra-light frame wasn’t heavy, it was awkward and she kept catching the castors on the steps. They were already well scratched from the number of things the Doctor had steered herself into stuff though, so Yaz was fairly sure she hadn't added anymore and if she had, that the Doctor wouldn’t notice.

When she made it back to the sixth floor landing she noticed that the Doctor had her arm wrapped around the top spindle of the bannister, presumably to stop her tumbling down the stairs.

“You alright?” Yaz asked, helping her into her chair.

The Doctor nodded uncertainly.

“It’s alright to be nervous. We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, we can leave right now.”

“I want to do it.” She said quietly,

“Okay, so why are you looking like I’m about to tip you down this flight of stairs and not like you’re going to have dinner and catch up with an old friend?”

“I… just… I’m not the Doctor she remembers.”

“Well of course you’re not. Doctor, you haven’t seen her for thousands of years, people change. You’ve had different friends since then, different faces, a different gender even. We can’t stay the same, it would be boring.”

“Not what I was referring to.”

“I know it wasn’t love” Yaz replied gently. “I’m just pointing out that even if you hadn't met the Mhufeist you still would have changed from the person she remembers because that’s what happens.”

“I don’t know if there’s any of the Doctor they knew left.”

“Obviously I never met that Doctor but I know _you_. I see more of who you used to be nearly every day. And I do mean that. But not every change has been negative. The old you would never have allowed herself to be as close to me as you’ve allowed so for that I’m grateful. And if Martha was ever your friend then it won't matter to her what you look like or sound like or if you use a wheelchair.”

“Maybe this wasn’t the best idea.” She panicked, indicating her trembling body as her arm spasmed this time, whacking her hand on the bannister in the process.

“Martha’s a doctor, she’ll have seen it all before. And if she can't accept you the way you are right now then she doesn’t deserve to know you at your best either. We don’t have to go in but if you still want to and things get too much, we can leave. Whenever you want, just let me know and I’ll get you out of there.”

“What if they can't understand me?”

“Hey, look at me okay?” Yaz commanded, taking both her hands tightly. “If they can’t understand you then they can ask you to repeat yourself like anyone else. If they’re still struggling, I’ll help. Your speech isn’t as difficult to understand as you think it is.” 

“What if…”

“Doctor, I’m right here with you. I’m not going to ring the doorbell and walk away and leave you here. If you need something I’ll help you with it, no matter what it is and Martha can think whatever the hell she wants… Come here…”

The Doctor leaned forward and Yaz wrapped her arms around her in a tight, calming hug, rubbing her back slightly, feeling her frail body tremble in her arms.

“You can absolutely do this Doctor and I am completely sure of that but you don’t have to.”

“No, I’m ready now.”

“I’m proud of you.” Yaz said, smiling as she pressed the doorbell before the Doctor could change her mind.

There was a scuffle behind the door and it was opened a moment later by Martha. She looked different to how the Doctor remembered, she had aged, obviously, it was about thirteen years in linear time. Her hair was down almost to her waist in shiny black braids, her figure had softened but her eyes sparkled with the same intelligence they always had. And she was holding a baby on her hip who was gurgling and sucking her little fingers.

“Doctor! Yaz, come in please.” She said after a moment, a look of surprise on her face which she was unsuccessfully trying to hide.

She stepped back and allowed them into the narrow hall, shutting the door behind them.

“Go on in, first door on the left” she called from behind them, there wasn’t room for her to pass the Doctor’s chair.

The Doctor went first, nervously, into a pleasant living room. It had big, soft sofas, a view over the city skyline and a big fireplace. There wasn’t really anywhere for her to park her chair without sitting obtrusively in the middle of the room though and the way the room was laid out with a large coffee table in the middle, resting on top of a fluffy, cream rug, she was reluctant to go too far into the room in case her wheels marked the rug or she had an embarrassing collision with the table. There was an archway set into the far wall which went through to a dining room and beyond that they could see a stylish, modern kitchen.

“You have a beautiful home.” Yaz said politely.

“Thanks. It’s actually three of the old attic floors knocked into one. We were really lucky to find it.” She explained which certainly explained how they had fit so much house into what Yaz had been expecting to be a small flat.

Yaz gave the Doctor a subtle push into the dining room, following Martha, and helping her over the rug.

“Can I get either of you a drink?”

Yaz noticed there was wine on the table.

“I don’t drink so water is fine for me thanks.” She looked at the Doctor waiting for her to say something, but she was retreating into herself. “Water for both of us.” She amended and handed the Doctor’s water bottle to Martha who took it without commenting but looked at it in confusion as she headed into the kitchen.

“You’re doing fine” Yaz whispered to the Doctor who looked vaguely like she was going to be sick and Yaz squeezed her hand.

The door on the other side of the table opened and a tall man wearing a black t-shirt and jeans who Yaz assumed was Martha’s husband appeared.

“Doctor! Surprised to see me?”

Considering the way the Doctor was gaping at him open mouthed, Yaz would say she was very surprised and she wondered who the man was.

“What you’re not going to stand up and give me a hug?” he asked, pretending to feel hurt and laughing at the admittedly comic look of shock on her face.

Yaz winced, he clearly hadn't noticed the wheelchair from where he was standing on the far side of the table.

“Wish I could Rickey” she said, rolling back a few feet so he could see her wheels.

He faltered. “It’s Mickey” he corrected automatically.

“Still Mickey the Idiot then?”

“Doctor!” Yaz admonished, scandalised.

“Still rude? then” he retorted.

“Probably” she admitted ruefully, rubbing her nose. “You look good, I didn’t know you’d be here.”

“Wish I could say the same but…” he trailed off.

“Could be worse, I could still have the ears.”

“You too know each other?” Yaz asked, confused.

“I’ve known Mickey even longer than I’ve known Martha. He and Rose were dating when I first met her, he travelled with me for a while too. We found pre-revolutionary France on a Spaceship!”

“Yeah but he… she… he… sorry, do you have a preference now?” Mickey asked, looking confused.

The Doctor shrugged. “Pronouns are the least of my worries, he if you’re referring to me in the past, she if you’re talking about me now I suppose.”

“Right. That’s… really weird. Yeah he kidnapped my girlfriend and returned her home a year late when everyone thought I’d killed her.”

“I apologised for that!”

“No, you didn’t actually.”

“I’m sorry Mickey, it really was an accident.”

Martha chose that moment to reappear. She handed the Doctor the water bottle, her eyes scrutinising the Doctor’s curled hands as she reached out for the water bottle, taking it with her wrists and flicking the straw up with her teeth.

“So you two are married?” Yaz asked, trying to catch up with the dynamics.

“Yep. Ten years now” Mickey confirmed proudly, putting an arm around Martha’s waist as she handed him a glass of wine.

“Is Harry in bed?” Martha asked.

“Nope, he’s refusing to go to bed until he’s said hello.”

“Where is he?”

“Brushing his teeth, he’s coming.”

At that moment there was a scampering of small feet and a little boy appeared, he had clearly been running but slowed down as he entered the dining room at the sight of the two strangers. He was wearing blue pyjamas with dinosaurs on them and had soft, floppy, inky black hair and big soulful eyes. He stepped behind Mickey, looking at Yaz and the Doctor shyly.

“This is Harry” introduced Martha. “And this,” she indicated the baby in a lilac babygro on her hip, “Is Lizzie.”

“Daddy!” He whispered loudly. “What’s wrong with that ladies face?”

Mickey floundered, clearly having no idea what to say. “Uhh…”

The Doctor leaned forward, resting her forearms on her thighs. “I got hurt by someone really bad.” She answered honestly.

Harry looked less shy when the Doctor spoke to him directly.

“Did they cut your leg off too?” he asked in awe.

The Doctor caught Martha’s eye. “No, my leg was very badly hurt, and it was making me sick so a doctor cut it off so I wouldn’t be sick anymore.”

“My mummy’s a doctor!”

“I know she is, she’s a very good doctor.”

Harry stepped closer, apparently finding the Doctor fascinating.

He reached out and tentatively touched the scars he could see on the back of the Doctor’s hand. “Does it hurt?” he asked, looking worried.

“No, not anymore.” She lied and he looked relieved.

It struck Yaz how whenever the doctor met kids, no matter how alarmed or frightened they might have been by her appearance to begin with, the one thing they all wanted to know was if she was in pain. Once they knew that, they treated her normally. A much kinder attitude than she met from most adults.

“Come on you, bedtime.” Said Mickey and Harry sadly trailed off after him, kissing and hugging Martha tightly on the way past.

“I’m just going to finish the dinner” Martha said, “Make yourselves at home.” She put baby Lizzie on a rug in the corner that had a few kid toys on it but Lizzie had no interest in them and instead bum shuffled over to Yaz and the Doctor interestedly.

She grabbed the frame of the Doctor’s wheelchair with her fat little fists and pulled herself into a wobbly standing position, gurgling excitedly.

“I know, you’re very clever aren’t you!” said the Doctor conversationally.

Lizzie burbled again.

“I’m sorry I can’t pick you up” she said regretfully. “Yaz can though.”

More burbling.

“Well that’s a bit rude.”

“Uhhh Doctor?” asked Yaz in confusion.

“I speak baby.”

“You speak?.. Of course you do. What did she say?”

“That she's the youngest baby in her playgroup who can stand up. Then she asked me to lift her but I think that’s a bad idea, I’m too shaky tonight and suggested you could lift her but she didn’t like that idea.”

“I can put her on your lap for you?” Yaz offered.

“What if I drop her?”

“I know you’re not having an amazing evening but you’re not that bad if I do the lifting.”

Lizzie babbled excitedly, dancing on her chubby little legs.

“Go on then” the Doctor said nervously, opening wobbly arms to receive the warm bundle Yaz pressed into them.

Lizzie twisted and squirmed until she was in a standing position, her feet balancing on the Doctor’s thighs. The Doctor wrapped her forearms behind Lizzie, anxious that she could fall back and she wouldn’t be able to catch her.

“Oh, careful Lizzie… ouch that hurts.” She moved Lizzie’s sharp little fingernails away from the sensitive, delicate scar tissue on her face.

Lizzie babbled indignantly and made another swipe at the Doctor’s face. This time though, she aimed for the Doctor’s scarf that was tied around her head and pulled it off, sitting down hard on the Doctor’s lap and sucking on it contentedly.

Within a few minutes Lizzie was drowsy, her thumb was in her mouth as she leaned contentedly against the Doctor’s chest and the scarf had somehow become wrapped under one of her legs and twisted tightly in her fingers. Yaz borrowed a cushion from the arm-chair in the corner and propped up the Doctor’s arm that was supporting the baby. She looked utterly relaxed and at home with a baby on her lap and Yaz imagined that she had been a really good mum… dad. Her heart ached a little for the children the Doctor had lost.

“You alright love?” Yaz asked quietly.

The Doctor nodded, running her closed fist gently over Lizzie’s curls. She looked impossibly sad.

“Wow Doctor, you certainly have the touch, can you come every night?” asked Mickey, walking back into the dining room.

“I forgot how good you are with kids.” Martha said quietly so as not to disturb her sleeping daughter. “Harry in bed?” she added, addressing Mickey this time.

“Yeah. Only took three readings of _The Gruffalo_ and a promise that the Doctor and Yaz will say goodnight to him before they go.”

The Doctor squirmed slightly, feeling uncomfortable with all eyes on her.

“Do you want me to take her and put her down?” asked Mickey.

“No, no she’s fine until dinner.” The Doctor replied, returning her attention to the sleeping baby.

“Do you have children Yaz?” asked Martha as she brought through a bowl of salad and placed it on the table.

Yaz could see her warily eyeing the Doctor’s hands, which were curled into loose fists as they usually were, and how she was holding her precious baby daughter with just her forearms and wrists, her whole body trembling lightly. Mickey she could see, was trying very hard not to stare at the Doctor’s face, the scarring there now shown off to its full capacity thanks to Lizzie relieving the Doctor of her scarf. 

Martha brought in some plates and set them at the table and the Doctor reluctantly handed over the baby, sensing dinner was imminent.

“Can I have my scarf back?” she asked, suddenly realising she wasn’t wearing it. She didn’t even go without it in front of Ryan and Graham usually. Even when it was just her and Yaz in the house she would insist on wearing it and without it she suddenly felt very exposed.

Mickey gently untangled it from Lizzie’s tight fist and handed the scarf over, raising his eyebrows slightly when it was Yaz who reached out to take it and disappearing with Lizzie.

“This is all sucked” Yaz commented, wrinkling her nose in disgust. “Are you sure you want to wear it?”

“Please”

Yaz stepped behind her and deftly tied it in her customary style, tucking the ends in neatly.

“Do you mind if I wash my hands?” she asked Martha politely.

Martha directed her down the hall. Considering the spacious living room, dining room and kitchen Yaz was surprised at the tiny bathroom which crammed a shower in over the bath, a toilet and the sink.

“I’ll just go and do mine.” The Doctor said, excusing herself. Her wheels gave her perpetually filthy hands.

“Bathrooms pretty tight, you’ll have to use the kitchen.” Yaz said softly.

The Doctor sighed and made her way into the sparkling kitchen, it was all glossy and shiny and made her head hurt. Very different from Yaz’s. She tried not to show her frustration when she couldn’t reach the taps, set far back from the sink.

“Do you need help?” Martha asked, trying to keep the surprise out of her voice.

“If you could turn the taps on and pass me the soap?” the Doctor asked.

Martha did as she was asked and the Doctor could feel her staring, burning with questions she was too polite to ask as she accidentally skited the bottle of soap across the counter in an attempt to pump the soap into her hands.

If it had been Yaz or one of her friends they would have pumped the soap onto her hand for her to stop that happening and she would have internally chafed at the help but equally been relieved that she didn’t have to ask for assistance in such a basic task. In their own bathroom and kitchen at home the soap was in a special dispenser that Ryan had made them that wouldn’t move under her clumsy hands.

When she made it back into the dining room, Yaz had moved one of the dining room chairs away from the table for her and she expertly moved her chair into the small space, flicking her brakes on.

“Please help yourself” Martha encouraged. The food looked delicious, there was a large salmon decorated with lemon wedges in the middle of the table accompanied with crispy baked potatoes, salad, vegetables and flat breads.

Yaz ignored the looks she was getting from Martha as she served both her own and the Doctor’s plate, the table was too high for her anyway but even if it wasn’t she wouldn’t be able to reach the centre of the table or have the balance to serve herself. Mickey was more interested in watching the Doctor struggle with her cutlery as she used her teeth to undo the Velcro and strap the knife and fork to her hands.

“Would you prefer to watch Yaz feed me?” she asked cuttingly. ”Or do it yourself perhaps?”

He jumped and offered a stuttered apology, reminding the Doctor of the self-conscious nineteen year old she had once known and not the family man he appeared to have grown into.

“So Martha, you’re working at the hospital now?” Yaz asked, changing the subject in an effort to diffuse some of the tension that had come over the room.

“Yes, we needed a change of pace and it was easier for Mickey to get work down here. I’m working in the emergency department now.”

“And what do you do Mickey?”

“I’m a mechanic, I do specialised work on vintage vehicles.”

“What about you Yaz?”

“I’m a police sergeant, I work with victims of serious personal crimes.”

Mickey laughed. “Have you had to arrest the Doctor yet, seems like she’s always doing stuff she shouldn’t.”

Yaz smirked. “Not yet but there’s still time.”

“Hey, I haven’t got into any trouble for ages.” The Doctor protested.

“Have you been on earth since I last saw you?” asked Martha in surprise.

“Since you abandoned her you mean.” Yaz muttered, though only loud enough for the Doctor here.

“Haven’t managed to find the TARDIS yet.” The Doctor offered by way of an explanation, shooting a glance at Yaz not to repeat what she had just said.

“Can I assume you were behind the break in at the scrapyard in Wales last year?”

“How did you hear about that?”

“I’m still in touch with a couple of people from UNIT. Don’t worry, they don’t think you got anything, but I assume you did?”

“No comment.” The Doctor said with a smirk. “How did you two end up together?” the Doctor asked, still baffled as to how the pairing had come apart. 

As Martha launched into an explanation, Yaz cut the Doctor’s potato for her, the crispy skins being too much for her to manage. At least, even though she was shaky and exhausted, she was still coordinated enough to feed herself and she wasn’t dribbling food out of the damaged side of her mouth.

After they finished eating, conversation turned to Harry and Lizzie as they ate their way through generous portion of a fresh trifle and when they had eaten that the party moved to the living room for tea and coffee and Martha produced a box of chocolates. Again, she couldn’t help but watch as Yaz transferred the Doctor onto the sofa and checked that she was stable and supported before sitting next to her.

“Do you have a travel mug?” the Doctor asked when Martha appeared with fine china cups that were too easy for her to drop and break or spill down herself.

“Sorry?”

“Do you have a travel mug?” her speech was deteriorating as she got more tired and Yaz knew they didn’t have long before her body would give up entirely for the night and she would need full care.

“Can you say that for me again Doctor?”

The Doctor asked again for the travel mug and Martha, who looked no more enlightened as to what she wanted, crouched in front of her.

“Mickey can you grab my bag for me please?.. Doctor can you smile for me?”

The Doctor looked confused but complied.

“Okay, can you raise your arms for me?”

Yaz cottoned on. “She’s not having a stroke Martha! This is just what happens when she’s tired.”

“So her face always looks like that when she smiles?” Martha asked, almost mockingly.

Yaz looked at the Doctor softly, retuning the smile. “Yeah it does. Do you have a problem with that?”

“It shouldn’t be so lopsided.”

The Doctor couldn’t help herself and burst out laughing. “It shouldn’t be lopsided? That’s what you’re going with Dr Martha Jones? Look at the state of my face, I was sprayed with hydrochloric acid and have quite a lot of nerve damage and scar tissue, of course I can't smile properly. It’s really not top of my list of concerns.”

“What happened to you Doctor?” Martha asked softly.

“You're the doctor, you tell me.” She challenged.

“May I?” she asked, gesturing towards the Doctor, asking for permission to touch.

The Doctor nodded and Yaz moved out of her way, sitting on the side of the sofa with her legs crossed. From the kitchen she could hear water running and surmised that Mickey must be doing the dishes. She watched as Martha began an examination, taking the Doctor through some basic tasks such as squeezing her hands, and following a pen light. She spent a particularly long time examining the Doctor’s hands and asked a detailed series of questions.

“Is this all from before you arrived with Yaz?” she asked finally.

“No, something else happened, we don’t know what.” The Doctor answered honestly.

“What happened?”

The Doctor nodded at Yaz. “Best ask Yaz, I don’t really remember.”

“Before you were walking with your prosthetic confidently, you were having some issues with brain damage but they were mostly in regards to how well you could control your emotions and your processing skills as well as issues that were more related to your PTSD but then we were in the park and it’s like something snapped. You had a flashback to the night you escaped but from before that when you were burnt with the acid. Eventually your brain tripped a seizure. It took you days to come round but it didn’t last long because by the next day your temperature was nearly double what it should have been. It took us a long time to get it down and you kept having more seizures. When you woke up you couldn’t move or speak. We’ve been working hard on that and here we are.”

“Why didn’t you call me?” Martha demanded angrily. “If she was that sick you should have called?”

“Why would we have done that? You cut off her leg and then left her to three people with nothing more than a first aid certificate! We called you again when she was so depressed she didn’t move for a fortnight and you wouldn’t come. Why would this time have been any different?” Yaz asked angrily, the temper she had been keeping a close lid on creeping out a little.

“I had to go, my mum was sick!”

“So was the Doctor!”

“My mum died Yaz, just a few days after I came back.”

Yaz softened slightly. “I’m sorry to hear that but you still left her.”

“Yaz it’s okay” the Doctor slurred.

“You got to sleep through it! Do you have any idea how scared we were? I thought you were going to die. I said goodbye to you!” Yaz burst out, struggling to hold back tears.

“I know Yaz, I’m sorry.” She reached out and rubbed Yaz’s arm comfortingly.

“Wait, are the seizures still happening?” asked Martha. “Tell me about them.”

“You’ve probably had somewhere between fifty and sixty now? Usually last between four and six minutes, record of nine. Tonic clonic seizures but you never remember them. Afterwards you need a lot of sleep, you’re very confused and often can't communicate… and sometimes you're a bit combative.”

“You’re using a wheelchair tonight, can you walk short distances?”

“Can’t even sit without back support let alone stand or walk.”

Martha nodded, accepting the information without comment. There was quiet for a moment.

“Diagnosis doctor?”

“Brain damage.” She said softly. “Sounds like you might have had some sort of brain infection? I can't tell without a brain scan. You haven’t had a stroke, not if both sides of your body are affected in the same way.”

“Yep.”

“We’re doing our best Martha, but is there anything else we can be doing?” Yaz asked, outlining the different therapies they were trying at home.

“I would keep working on standing as long as you’re safe to do so. If nothing else it’s good for circulation. You could use an orthopaedic knee brace and lock it in place and your prosthetic should be lockable as well. That will stop them going out from under you. Combine that with a forearm walker and a gait belt for extra security and hold for as long as you can a couple of times per week. And I can give you some bits to try with your hands and to build better support in your stomach muscles.”

She got up from where she was sitting and printed out the information including the details of the brace and walker and handed them to the Doctor.

“Can you give them to Yaz.” she admitted, gesturing her hands.

“Give them to Yaz?” Martha clarified, struggling to understand the Doctor’s slurred speech.

The Doctor nodded and Yaz took the printouts, folding them and tucking them into her pockets.

“I’m sorry to hear about your mum.” The Doctor said finally, “she was a good woman.”

Martha looked confused and the Doctor looked at Yaz who repeated it.

“Thank-you.” Martha said sincerely.

Having finally finished the dishes Mickey reappeared and Yaz asked him for a travel mug for the Doctor but even with it she was struggling and Yaz had to help her.

“I think we need to go love” she suggested quietly to the Doctor who’s exhaustion was catching up with her rapidly and she was deteriorating in front of Yaz’s eyes.

The Doctor nodded dopily.

Yaz stood up and the party said their goodbyes.

“Do you need help getting down the stairs?” Martha asked as if it had only just occurred to her how the Doctor must have got up them in the first place.

“Actually if you could carry the wheelchair for me that would be great.” Yaz admitted.

The Doctor managed to stutter out a goodbye to Mickey who looked at her in concern.

Yaz scooped her off the sofa, not trusting her in her exhausted state to hold on in another piggyback and carried her down the stairs, depositing her carefully in her wheelchair.

“It was good to see you Doctor.” Martha said as the bottom of the stairs.

“And you Dr Martha Jones.”

“Call me if you need me.” She said to Yaz who nodded. Although she understood better, it didn’t mean she was quite ready to forgive Martha just yet. But right now her priority was just to help the Doctor get home and into bed before her body gave up completely.

By the time they got back to the hotel the cold night air had done the Doctor some good and to Yaz’s surprise she was actually more alert than she had been when they had left Martha’s and was able to get herself into bed, just about. She got undressed and Yaz only helped her with the bits she normally helped with. She had been expecting the Doctor to already be asleep and have to be lifted into bed and undressed while she was asleep.

“You did really well tonight.”

“I was a bit rude to Mickey.”

“He shouldn’t have been staring at you, he’s old enough to know better. Sounds like he’s used to you being rude to him.”

“I should have treated him better” she admitted. “He’s a good boy.”

“Boy? He’s older than me or Ryan.”

“He wasn’t when I knew him before.”

“They seem like good people, both of them.”

“You didn’t like Martha much.”

“I understand why she left now, doesn’t mean I’ve entirely forgiven her.”

“What else could she have done Yaz? She saved my life, but you saved me. I’ve had a lot of friends but I don’t think any of them could have done what you’ve done for me.”

“I wish I could have done more.”

“Yaz I was unsavable and you saved me. I will never ever forget what you’ve done for me no matter how long I live or how many faces I have. I love you so much Yaz, you’re like the best person I’ve ever met.”

Yaz smiled. She remembered saying those exact words to the Doctor the same night she persuaded the Doctor to take her aboard as a permanent passenger.

“I love you too.”


	69. Chapter 69

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, they’re going to do the speech they promised to do on dealing with victims of trauma. They’re going to talk in detail about the incident when the Doctor took Yaz on a date for her birthday and had a major, public, panic attack and all Yaz’s co-workers made it ten times worse. It’s Chapter 30 if you need to remind yourself!

“Doctor, for the last time, are you sure you want to do this?” Yaz asked, looking at her with worry written all over her face.

“I promised you that I would.”

“That doesn’t answer my question Doctor. You never talk about it and now you want to stand in a room full of strangers…”

“They’re not all strangers. Ryan, Graham and Sonya are all at the back.”

“Sonya? What’s she doing here?”

“Ryan dragged her along I think.”

“Okay… not important right now. Just don’t think you have to do this for me. I need you healthy, safe and well and right now you are but if this could jeopardise that…”

“Yaz. Stop worrying, if I need to leave I promise I will. If I need you to take over then we arranged a signal. Ryan will get me out of there altogether if he needs to, he knows the signal for that too. I promised I wouldn’t make you do public speaking on your own Yaz. I’m ready.”

That was a lie and the Doctor knew Yaz knew it. She was anything but ready. She was shaking all over (nothing new there then) but this time it was from fear and her stomach was in knots. The presentation Yaz was giving on behalf of her unit about dealing with victims who were traumatised had finally come around without being rescheduled and there were more than two hundred police officers crammed into the training centre from Sheffield, Leeds and the surrounding Yorkshire area. Yaz was pale and sweaty, she hated public speaking, and neither of them had managed breakfast that morning.

Yaz was dressed extra smartly in an olive green suit and creamy blouse that really suited her. The Doctor had never seen her wear it before. Her hair was in a bun and all in all she looked older and more professional. The Doctor had made an effort too, borrowing a mustard blouse to wear with her usual navy trousers and even polishing her customary brown boot. Her scarf was neatly tied and out of her way though she wasn’t entirely sure why she had bothered; there was a slideshow to go with her story with pictures.

Ever since they had come back from Edinburgh Yaz had been trying to help the Doctor piece together some of her memories but it was still a tangled jumble. Yaz had documented every step which helped but seeing herself, especially when she had just arrived at Yaz’s, was like looking at someone else. She didn’t recognise the person in those photographs. Sometimes she didn’t recognise the person she had become at all – weak, dependent, fragile, vulnerable, someone who needed to be taken care of. It wasn’t her, but it was why she was here right now, to support her girlfriend and not let her face something she was terrified of alone. Even if all she wanted to do was run home and hide where no one would be able to stare at her.

There was a polite applause and Jennifer walked off the stage.

“Over to you two, good luck!” she said cheerfully, giving Yaz a brief hug and the Doctor’s hand a squeeze.

A hush descended over the hall as the two women made their way out onto the stage. The PowerPoint already showed the title of their first slide.

“Good morning everyone, my name is Sergeant Yasmin Khan, Hallamshire Police and I work with the Victim Support Unit. This is Doctor Jane Smith and we are here to talk to you today about trauma.” Yaz’s voice was steady but the Doctor could see how sweaty her palms were as she held the microphone.

“The first thing I want to say is that we are not experts, we are here to talk to you from personal experience. As some of you know, Jane is my partner. We were together for about a year until one day she disappeared. Although it was reported, Jane’s lack of ties to the community meant she was treated as a transient and her case was never properly investigated. Jane is going to talk to you a little about what she went through and then we are both going to talk about how we deal with trauma and some strategies you can apply in your everyday interactions with the public.”

“Thank-you Yaz. As Yaz said, I was kidnapped three and a half years ago. I was held for seven months. In that time I was forced into modern day sexual slavery. For seven months I was beaten, tortured and raped repeatedly. Most of the time I was on a heavy dose of drugs to keep me docile…”

There wasn’t a sound in the room as the officers listened to what the Doctor had been through. Yaz sat next to her, close enough for moral support. She wasn’t telling any outright lies but they had had to change some of the finer details to disguise that she had in fact been captured by aliens.

“… eventually they decided I was too sick to bother with. I was on the brink of death anyway. They sprayed my face with hydrochloric acid to make my body harder to identify, wrapped me up in tarpaulin and dumped me out of a moving van, over the side of the road. No one expected me to survive. In the hospital the decision was made to amputate my right leg as you can see, it was already badly infected from when I broke it as I was pushed out of the van. It turned out that relatively speaking, my body was easy to save in comparison to my mind. I was also diagnosed with a Traumatic Brain Injury, severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a long list of phobias and a host of related mental health conditions. As soon as Yaz found out where I was, she was with me from that moment. I was only in hospital for a fortnight, eventually the unusual decision was made that I would be better off being cared for at home because of my mental state. I couldn’t cope at all with strangers, men or too many people. Yaz took nearly a year off work to care for me and I know I wouldn’t have made it through without her.”

There was complete silence, every pair of eyes in the room glued to the tiny woman in the wheelchair with all the scars on the stage. Yaz picked up the mantle.

“I want to start by talking to you about an incident that happened here about nine months ago, I know many of you present were there and we’re going to talk through what happened and what we could have done better. The incident was caught on CCTV footage so we’re going to play that first.”

Yaz had seen the footage a couple of times before but had brought it home the night before so the Doctor wouldn’t be blindsided by the footage for the first time on stage. The footage of the day of Yaz’s birthday when the Doctor had come to collect her from work for a date wasn’t exactly a shining example of how to treat a victim. They only showed up to the point where Yaz had intervened.

When the clips were finished, Yaz lifted out a small pot with Cadbury’s Miniature Hero’s in. “Right, I know some of you just saw yourself on CCTV there, we’re not here to blame anyone or reprimand anyone, this is about learning. Please don’t use anyone’s names even if you know them. We identified five key things that went wrong here, what are they?”

Nobody spoke for a moment until Arthur, bless him, called out from the front row. “Everyone standing round to have a look.”

“Good, take a chocolate.” Yaz called, relieved someone had answered and throwing the sweet at him. “You can see clearly that Jane is panicked and overwhelmed. She needed space and privacy, not to be brought into a busy police station.”

“So we should have left her outside in the carpark?” someone called sarcastically from the back.

“Yes you should actually. She wasn’t in any danger. She had privacy behind the cars, there was no audience and being outside is generally less over stimulating than inside, especially a busy police station with harsh lights and all the noises and smells. Point number two where we went wrong which leads nicely to point number three…”

“Grabbing Jane’s chair and pushing her into a building without consent” came Jennifer’s voice from the side when everyone else looked confused.

Yaz chucked her a chocolate and she winked.

The Doctor spoke up. “Exactly. My wheelchair is an extension of my body and nobody has any right to touch it except me. Grabbing hold of my wheelchair and pushing me without my explicit consent is just as rude as grabbing a stranger and pushing them to where you want them to go. Yaz and I have been together for years and even she doesn’t have that consent to just grab me and push me somewhere, if she doesn’t then you certainly don’t.”

“What if you were in danger?”

“Use your common sense. If that scene had taken place in the middle of the street and I was in no fit state to get myself out of it then yes, move me somewhere safe. But tell me before you do it, don’t just grab.”

“Two more points” prompted Yaz.

“They weren’t just touching your chair, they were touching you too.” Called a nervous voice Yaz didn’t recognise from the middle but she chucked them a chocolate regardless.

“Exactly. A person who is having a panic attack is already over loaded and overwhelmed, don’t touch them unless they ask you too or give you explicit consent. One more thing?”

“All the people surrounding her were men?”

Yaz chucked a chocolate at the speaker.

“Exactly. Jane has already told you that she struggles to be around men, especially ones she doesn’t know. And here she is being crowded. Now some of these are issues are specific to this situation but the same principles apply.”

Yaz kept talking, taking them through how to recognise the signs and symptoms of a victim who may be traumatised, how to recognise and deal with a panic attack, how to support someone experiencing a flashback and where to go for further information before splitting them into groups and having them do role play exercises with each other. Finally they opened the floor to questions.

“If I were to meet you in the street and you were having a panic attack, how would you want me to respond to that?”

“That’s a good question” answered the Doctor. “Every person is different but there are some general rules you can apply as we discussed. Put yourself at the persons level, if they’re standing you stand. For me as a wheelchair user you should crouch down. If I was sitting or lying on the floor you should join me. Talk to them calmly and quietly 1:1. Tell them who you are and remind them where they are and what’s happening. You’ll probably have to tell them lots of times and as they become more lucid, don’t expect them to remember it. If they’re struggling to breathe then talk them through, counting breaths slowly and do it with them. You can ask them to list things they can see or hear. For some people deep pressure therapy works well and is good for grounding. Yaz provides that for me by holding me very tightly but that’s not appropriate for a stranger, you can achieve the same result by wrapping a blanket or similar around them tightly but make sure that you talk them through whatever it is you’re going to try.”

“In your opinion do you think someone with that level of mental health problems should be allowed out in the community unsupervised?” called someone else.

“People who have mental health problems aren’t animals. They don’t need to be caged, they need patience, kindness and understanding.”

“But you said yourself that someone experiencing a flashback could become violent.”

“I also said that that is usually triggered by someone behaving inappropriately, namely by people who don’t know what they are doing and getting up close and in a persons face. If we as a society were better educated about and more understanding of mental health problems it wouldn’t be such an issue.”

“My question is for Yaz” said an unfamiliar voice and Yaz couldn’t pick out the speaker. “If you’ve supported someone through a flashback and they’ve recounted something deeply traumatic, what self care would you recommend for yourself at that point?”

“Good question. Never underestimate the impact of second hand trauma. If you’ve just sat and supported someone through something disturbing when that person is safe you need to take time for yourself. Talk to a colleague, go for a walk and clear your head. Even just take the time for a coffee. If you’re struggling there’s no shame in speaking to a counsellor.”

Jennifer walked back onto stage. “Okay everyone, we’re going to take a short break before the next speaker is up. Please be back here in twenty minutes. If you have any questions please feel free to e-mail the Victim Support Unit. Thank-you.”

Jennifer ushered Yaz and the Doctor off stage. “You two were brilliant! So informative and the personal touch really helped. Yaz, I can give you twenty minutes to debrief but then I need you in the office. Vera is taking over my slot about the conference. It’s serious.”

“Okay, do you need me right now?”

“No, take a few minutes, I need half an hour to sort get the files sorted. My office in thirty.”

“Okay” Yaz agreed, feeling distinctly uneasy. Whatever case had come across Jennifer’s desk while they were on stage must be serious.”

Yaz showed the Doctor to a quiet spot where they could talk for a moment. “You were amazing, I’m so proud of you.” Yaz whispered, holding the other woman tightly. She wasn’t shaking anymore and looked much calmer than Yaz expected. “Are you doing okay?”

“I’m fine Yaz, really. You did most of it.”

“You did the hard bit, I could have heard a pin drop. I can see that you must have been a really good lecturer.”

“I used to have people who weren’t even enrolled at the university sitting in, but I was never really sure what I was supposed to be teaching.”

Yaz laughed. It was such a Doctor response and they were interrupted by Ryan, Graham and Sonya.

“Doc…” said Graham, suddenly not sure what to say to the woman.

Ryan didn’t attempt to say anything but gave her a tight hug.

Sonya looked sick and Yaz pulled her aside.

“Are you okay Son?” she asked, scrutinising her sister’s unnaturally pale face.

“Did you know all of that? Ryan said he didn’t…” she asked shakily.

“That was just the tip of the ice-berg of what she’s been through and I know I don’t know it all.” Yaz answered honestly.

“It’s just… I… I don’t even know what to say.”

“You can talk to her you know. If she doesn’t want to answer she’ll tell you. But she’s in my life Sonya, it only makes my life more difficult if you hate her.”

“I don’t hate her, I'm not sure I like her but I don’t hate her.”

“You should tell her that, she’s convinced you hate her.”

“I’m going back to Ryan’s, are you guys coming?”

“I’m not, I’m on shift. The Doctor is though, something to do with Ryan’s work, she was a bit vague.”

Yaz glanced at her watch and saw that her twenty minutes was almost up. She quickly went back over to the rest of the group and wrapped an arm around the Doctor’s shoulders who leaned against her.

“I have to go, save me some dinner though okay?”

“Course we will love” said Graham cheerfully. It would be nice to have the whole family round, neither Yaz nor the Doc had been in his home for months, not since before the Doc had gotten sick and even before that it had been a while. He was very much looking forward to it, it felt like things might be getting back to normal.

Half an hour later, the Doctor, Ryan, Graham and Sonya pulled up outside Graham and Ryan’s house. Graham helped her out of the car and into her chair while Ryan watched, still terrified of dropping her after the incident where she had broken her wrist. She was getting much better at it than the last time he had been in a car with her and she had needed to be fully transferred. This time she managed with just having Graham’s arm wrapped around her waist for security and him helping her to get her leg out of the car and resting comfortably on the footplate. The eight steps into their house proved slightly more of a challenge and eventually Ryan agreed to take one of her front castor forks while Sonya took the other one and Graham took the back of her chair and the three of them lifted her in together.

As soon as they were inside, Graham began his customary routine of shoes off, slippers on, kettle on in that order and offered round sandwiches while he was at it. It was while they were sitting at the table that Graham remembered that the Doctor had specifically asked to come over because she needed to talk to them about something.

“So what is it you wanted to talk to us about Doc?”

The Doctor blushed and glanced warily at Sonya who had already stared as Ryan had had to move the whole dining room table and the arm chair that had replaced the one the TARDIS had landed on out of her way to let her into the house. They were now sitting formally around the dining room table because she hadn’t been able to get through the narrow door into the kitchen and even if she had, she couldn’t sit on a bar stool anyway.

For the wedding next week… I want to dance with Yaz.”

“Okay?” said Graham, looking confused. “Failing to see why you need us…”

“I can't dance.”

“Oh love…” said Graham looking sympathetic all of a sudden.

“It’s not because of the chair… I mean I can't imagine that that’s improved my abilities in any way, but I'm a terrible dancer.”

Sonya was giggling beside her and the Doctor shot her an exasperated glance. “Sorry, it’s just I’ve never heard you admit to being bad at something before. Besides, what makes you think Yaz can dance?”

“Before all this, we went to a party together, big posh thing, tuxes and long dresses and all that. Anyway, we started dancing together and I think I got carried away because the next time I looked round she was just staring at me with her mouth open.”

“Not like you to care what other people think of you Doc.”

“This is the first time I’ve met most of her family, I want to make a good impression”

“Well don’t look at me, I can't dance to save my life, I’ve got two left feet!” Ryan protested.

“Even if they’re both left you’ve till got two feet and you can sit and stand on your own. Somehow I think that puts you streets ahead of me.” She said miserably. “Just forget it. Maybe you should go with Yaz instead.”

“When did you start backing down from a challenge Doc?” We’ve got this. First we’re gonna clear a space in the living room and then we’re gonna watch some videos of other dancers in wheelchairs and then we’ll figure out how you can dance.”

“There was one more thing, but Ryan I need you to help me.”

“Okay, what is it?”

“I don’t know if I can, but I really want to stand for a dance with Yaz. I need to know if it’s even possible.”

Ryan looked uncomfortable.

“It’s okay… you don’t have to. I know its silly. It’s just been so long since I was at eye level with her, I want her to know I’m still trying.”

“Trust us Doc, she knows that already.”

“It’s not that I don’t think you can do it, I just don’t know if I'm the right person to help you Doctor. If I drop you again and you end up breaking your leg or your hip or something you won't be dancing at all. You’ll be stuck back in bed again, maybe even for weeks and all the progress you’ve been making will have been for nowt.”

“You're not going to drop me Ryan. It happened one time and it wasn’t even your fault.”

“So who's fault was it?” he burst out, surprising them all.

“Mine!” she shouted back. “It was my body that spasmed!”

“You can't control your spasms.” he shouted back.

“Neither can you! Hence it was not your fault!” she lowered her voice “And I’m fine, I promise Ryan, I’m fine. You don’t need to treat me like I'm made of glass.”

Ryan bit back a retort that she basically was and while Yaz might have forgiven him for breaking her once, she certainly wouldn’t do it again. She hadn't mentioned it again but he knew she hadn't forgiven Graham for the incident where he had left her inside while he was gardening and she had thrown up in fear and that had been weeks ago. 

“I cannot be responsible for hurting you again Doctor” he said finally, staring at his hands rather than meeting her gaze.

She watched him for a minute, clearly deciding what to say next.

“You’re not gonna hurt my Ryan.” she said finally. “I’m not that breakable.”

Ryan fought back the urge to laugh at her for that. Not that breakable. Because look at the state of her, of course she was that breakable. And that did not mix with his dyspraxia at all. He never should have allowed himself to get so cocky and confident when he was lifting her. He should never have done it at all because he had dropped her and she had crashed to the floor and he hadn’t been able to catch her. He had heard the disgusting snap as her wrist fractured and seen the way the colour had drained from her face as she lay on the floor in pain, unable to move. And he hadn't been able to do anything about it other than call in someone else to help.

He stood up suddenly, leaving his half-finished lunch on the table and walked out. There was silence in the house as the front door closed with a bang.

The Doctor groaned internally and shoved her own sandwiches away from her, allowing her head to sink into her hands. She desperately wished she could get away from the sympathetic looks Graham was giving her and the ‘really wishing she was anywhere other than witnessing a family argument’ vibe Sonya was giving off as she studiously ate her own meal. But she couldn’t go anywhere. Couldn’t get out the front door, there were steps. Couldn’t go into the kitchen, the door was too narrow which also meant she couldn’t go into their back garden. Couldn’t go upstairs because stairs. She flicked off her brakes and shoved herself away from the table, settling at the other end of the room by the window that overlooked the back garden and tried to tune the other two out as she anxiously rubbed her knuckles up and down her thighs.

Ryan walked without any clear idea as to where he was going. He walked past Redlands Primary where he had spent seven years with Yaz. He walked past the basketball courts where he met Tibo and his mates for a game every weekend. He walked past the shop where he’s bought a packet of cigarettes for the first time when he was fifteen. His Nan had gone nuts and forced him to chain smoke them one after the other until he had been so ill he wished he was dead. It had worked though; he hadn't had one since.

And then he walked just to walk eventually finding his way into the hills where he had been attempting to learn to ride his bike the day they had met the Doctor. The day his Nan had died. Ryan threw himself onto the grass, looking up and remembering just before the funeral. He had come up into the hills with his bike and the Doctor had been standing above him, watching. She had been a strange figure in her too big, ragged suit, tripping over shoes that were almost cartoonish on her small frame and yet a little imposing none the less.

It was weird now, to think of her like that. Standing. Being imposing. Walking, running, talking a hundred miles an hour. She couldn’t do any of that now. It occurred to him that he had known her far longer with all the problems she had now than he ever had before.

He was interrupted from his musings by his phone ringing. It was a local number but he didn’t recognise it.

“Hello?”

_“Ryan, it’s Yaz.”_

“Where are you calling from?”

_“It’s my work number.”_

Of course it was, that made sense. He knew she was at work.

“Who called you?” he asked heavily, assuming that Graham, the Doctor or Sonya had already called her to fill her in on what a lousy friend he was. He still couldn’t quite believe that he had shouted at her.

 _“What?”_ she asked confused.

“No one called you?”

_“No, should they have? What’s happened?”_

“I shouted at the Doctor. Then I stormed out.”

_“Okay… wanna talk about what happened?”_

“Not really.”

_“Is she safe?”_

“Of course she is, Graham’s with her. I don’t know if Sonya still is but she was when I left.”

_“Then don’t worry about it Ryan. She is frustrating sometimes. It’s hard for her to accept how limited she is at the moment and to acknowledge that she needs help. I don’t know what you argued about and I don’t need to know but you don’t need to treat her with kid gloves. It’s okay to argue with her the same way you would argue with any of your other mates. As long as you haven’t left her alone then she’s fine.”_

“You never shout at her.”

On the other end of the phone, Yaz laughed.

_“Ryan we have arguments the same as any other couple. They’re not the end of the world, just sometimes you’re spending too much time with a person and you need a break.”_

“I feel like an asshole.”

_“Then tell her that when you go back. She probably feels bad too.”_

Ryan suddenly remembered that Yaz had phoned him from work.

“If you didn’t call me because of our argument, why are you calling?”

There was silence for a moment on the other end of the phone for a moment before Yaz spoke again.

_“This case Ryan, it’s really bad. We’ve got some guy. He’s raping women in wheelchairs, he has twelve victims so far but they were all handled by small units so the pattern is only just being picked up. I don’t think I’ll be home tonight. Can the Doctor stay with you guys? I need to know she’s safe until we catch this guy.”_

She sounded upset.

“Yaz are you okay?”

_“No. I can't go into any details, not yet anyway. But if she was to be hurt in that way again Ryan I think we’d lose her. She’s barely holding on as it is. I have to remind her constantly that she’s safe now and that it won't happen again and I know that even though she trusts me she doesn’t believe me.”_

“Yaz of course she can stay with us, we have a spare room but will you be able to get an hour out or something to help her with personal stuff?”

_“I doubt it. I can try but it’s all hands on deck right now.”_

“I don’t think I can do that stuff for her Yaz, I doubt she would even let me. Have you asked her?”

_“Not yet, I assumed she would be asleep. I will though, will you ask her to text me and let me know when she’s up? I’ll get back to her as soon as I can and explain that I won't be home. I’ll tell her why tomorrow though, no need to frighten her unnecessarily.”_

“Yaz, I’ve never done her personal care. I wouldn’t know where to start.”

_“She can tell you. If she doesn’t want you to do it then she can sleep in her clothes and shower when she gets home tomorrow. Does your toilet still have grab bars from when Graham was going through chemo?”_

“Yeah…”

_“Then she should be able to manage that bit on her own. I’m sorry Ryan, I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t an emergency.”_

“I know Yaz. Don’t worry, we’ll make sure she’s safe.”

Ryan heard someone shout Yaz’s name and she rang off hurriedly. Ryan make a quick call to Graham to catch him up on the situation and started walking home. Time to face the music. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the Doctor is going to have to manage without Yaz for a night, she's never done that before while she's not been in a position to take care of herself again. How do you think she'll cope? Let me know below!


	70. Chapter 70

To Ryan's surprise, Sonya was still there when he got back, messing around on his tablet. He could see Graham pottering in the garden, right under the window so he could watch out for the Doctor who was asleep on the sofa.

“What are you doing?” he hissed at Sonya quietly, anxious not to wake the Doctor and have to deal with the consequences of his actions a moment earlier than necessary.

Sonya ushered him into the kitchen and pushed the door mostly shut, pulling a pair of ear buds out of her ears as she did so.

“I was interested, started looking at some wheelchair dancing videos.”

“Really?” he asked, trying to keep the surprise out of his voice.

“Yeah. Don’t need to sound so surprised. It was pretty interesting actually and she can totally do it.”

“Thanks, I guess. Can't imagine she’ll want to dance with me after how I spoke to her earlier.”

“She gave as good as she got Ryan. It’s not like she was sitting there quaking in fear while you yelled at her.”

“Do you think she was right?”

Sonya paused, thinking her words over carefully for a change. “Actually I think you’re both right. She wants her life back and not to be treated like an invalid. You know that sometimes she needs to be treated like that because she is sick and vulnerable and doesn’t always remember that. You're right to be wary of hurting her but she's also an adult who can make her own decisions.”

He stared at her. “How do you know all this?”

“Sometimes things are easier when you're on the outside… you know I looked at the sign in sheet. There’s no one using the third dance studio in the college tomorrow… we could book it? Would be better than the carpet and tiny space of the living room.”

“I forgot you used to be a dancer.”

“Well when we’re at the wedding together I’ll be able to show you just how good I am so don’t go giving all your dancing talents to the Doctor…” she trailed off, smiling at him in a secretive kind of way.

There was a small cry from the living room which broke the atmosphere.

Ryan went into the living room to check on the Doctor. She was half sitting up, looking around in bewilderment.

He crouched down in front of her.

“Hey Doctor, relax. You’re just at mine and Graham’s. You’ve been napping on the sofa.”

She blinked at him dopily a few times as her brain worked hard to catch up and when it did she shakily attempted to pull herself into a sitting position. The couch was old and sagging though and was just drooping under her so Ryan helped her up.

“Very comfy sofa” she commented when she was sitting, and she had hooked her arm under her leg and moved it to the floor so she was no longer taking up the entire length of it. It was comfy, but not particularly supportive and after a few moments of fumbling to find her balance comfortably she gave up and transferred into her wheelchair independently.

She fussed for a moment, putting her foot on the foot plate and fiddling with her seatbelt before raising her eye to meet Ryan’s gaze.

“Ryan, I’m really sorry I shouted at you earlier.”

“I shouldn’t have shouted at you either. I understand why you want to stand and dance with Yaz, please don’t think that I don’t. But I can't be responsible for you getting hurt again.”

“You weren’t responsible Ryan. It just happened.”

“You have to understand where I’m coming from Doctor. You’ve almost died on us twice. I’ve seen your body basically shattered into a million pieces and I know it’s mostly you and Yaz but me and Graham too have been working really hard to stick you back together with plasters and prayers. I can't just do something that I know could hurt you even more.”

“I do Ryan. I’ve been called a lot of names before but words like fragile and vulnerable were never amongst them and I hate it. I need to do things that are me again, I can't just sit in this chair letting other people do stuff for me until I die or regenerate. I don’t want to be reckless but I need to get some of my life back.”

Ryan took a deep breath. “Yaz showed me the bits the two of you ordered to get you standing. Have they arrived yet?”

She shook her head.

“Next few days I think. Why?”

“If you’re wearing your prosthetic and the gait belt Yaz has ordered so I can hold you better I’ll help you. But I reserve the right to change my mind if you're having a crappy day by which I mean if you’ve had seizures or we think there’s one imminent, you’re shaky or you’re twitching, jerking or having spasms or anything else that might make you more unstable. And you have to be honest with me if you’re feeling dizzy or tired or anything. And I reserve the right to change my mind.”

She looked at him in surprise, she really hadn't expected him to change his mind.

“Thank-you Ryan.”

“I want to do everything I can to help your recovery Doctor and I know standing is good for you if you can manage it but to be completely honest with you, I don’t think I can handle seeing you get sick or hurt again. And if I can't then Yaz definitely can't.”

“I know. I feel so guilty about what I’ve put all of you through. I never wanted things to be like this.”

“I’d go through with you it a hundred times over if it saved you from the space mental hospital you told us about. That gave me nightmares.”

It sounded worse than Bedlam in the seventeenth century which he had studied in school, the Doctor had explained how usually victims of the Mhufeist who escaped or were rescued were dropped into deep, padded pits, heavily drugged and food chucked down at them. There was no way out and no stimulation because they were considered a danger to themselves and others. They were just left there to rot until they died.

She wheeled closer to him and hugged him tightly.

“I really am sorry for shouting at you, it wasn’t okay.”

He hugged her back. “I’m sorry too. You need to text Yaz and tell her you’re up. She said she’ll phone you back as soon as she gets a minute.”

The Doctor pulled out her flip phone and texted Yaz, she was getting good at doing it with just her knuckles, and shoved it between her thigh and the side of her chair where it would be easier to get to than her pocket if it rang.

“I’m making tea, you want some?” Ryan offered her.

“Always.”

Ryan disappeared and she heard him moving around the kitchen and wished she could follow. He stuck his head out again a minute later.

“I don’t think we have a travel mug, can you manage with a regular one?”

“Do you have a straw?”

“Probably.”

“If you can find a straw and put it on the table for me then yes, if not then no.”

She sighed as he left the room, trying not to get annoyed. Her hands were too weak on even her best of days to hold a mug of boiling liquid reliably. But if it was balanced safely on a table and she had a straw it would be fine. Probably.

Sonya appeared a few minutes later with two mugs of tea, one of which she put at the end of the table where there was an empty spot. It hadn't escaped the Doctor’s notice when she arrived that one of the dining room chairs had been moved already, leaving her a clear space to sit. Ryan followed after with the biscuits and his own mug.

“So about the wheelchair dancing, Sonya’s been researching while you were napping.”

“Really?” she asked, unable to keep the surprise out of her voice and she took another sip of her tea to cover it up, managing not to overbalance the mug.

“I was bored” Sonya shrugged, covering up that she might have actually done something nice for a change.

“You like dancing.” Pointed out Ryan.

“Yeah I know, mum made Yaz and I take lessons for years when we were kids. She was always way better at it than I was… Don’t worry, I was terrible and Yaz was only slightly better than me” she said quickly, seeing the look of worry on the Doctor’s face. And hoped that she wouldn’t be in Yaz’s childhood bedroom anytime soon and if she was, that she wouldn’t be able to see several dance trophies on top of Yaz’s wardrobe from her wheelchair.

“I don’t want to learn anything fancy, I just need to know how to make my chair work for me but I'm worried I don’t have enough use of my hands or good enough balance.” The Doctor admitted.

“We booked one of the dance studios in college for the morning, they’re always quiet at this time of year. We’ll help you then.”

“Thanks, I appreciate it.” She was blushing slightly and fiddling with her fingers in her lap. She jumped when her phone rang and she answered it, soothed to hear Yaz’s voice on the other end.

Ryan disappeared into the kitchen to help Graham with dinner and give the Doctor some privacy, Sonya trailing out after him.

The Doctor picked at her dinner listlessly. Someone had cut her meat and potatoes for her before she’d even gotten the plate and she was feeling particularly useless. Everyone else had worked together to make dinner but as she was unable to get into Graham’s tiny kitchen (and if she had her chair would have meant she was in everyone’s way) she had sat uselessly in the living room trying to distract herself with one of Graham’s thoroughly uninteresting fishing magazines.

“You alright Doc?” asked Graham.

“Hmm?” she asked. She really hadn't been paying attention, content to let the others conversation flow past her.

“Yaz will be back tomorrow.” Ryan reminded her quietly.

She put a fake smile on her face. “Yeah, I know.”

Things weren’t right when Yaz wasn’t there. She always knew the right thing to do and the right things to say. She knew how to help her without making her feel stupid and she could just about tolerate letting Yaz helping her with… intimate stuff. But tonight, the thought of Ryan or Graham doing that… it made her feel sick. And the nightmares were always worse when she wasn’t in her own bed. What if she woke everyone else up? She wouldn’t even have Yaz to squeeze her tightly when it all got too much.

She managed to force herself to eat a few more bites because Graham was watching her and she knew if she didn’t he would comment. The food was probably nice, Graham was an excellent cook, but it tasted and felt like sawdust in her mouth, like she was going to choke on it.

Ryan touched her arm and she jumped. “You sure you’re alright Doctor?” he asked, looking worried.

“I’m fine Ryan.” she lied.

She choked down a few more bites, trying to ignore the buzzing in her head, like a swarm of bees in her brain.

Finally, the rest of the group finished eating and she was able to push away her half eaten plate. Graham volunteered to wash up and Ryan and Sonya were going to watch a film but she wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do. If there was one thing she had learned from her past human companions it was that they didn’t like to be disturbed on dates and she would rather go and hang out with Graham anyway; do the dishes, make tea, clean the kitchen. At least it would be something useful. But she couldn’t.

Stupid, bloody wheelchair.

“You wanna watch with us Doctor?” Ryan called from across the room.

“Sure” she said with another fake smile and moved over to join them. There wasn’t much space unless she either blocked the only access to the two sofas or sat in the middle of the room. She could transfer onto Graham’s sofas but they were old and saggy and while that meant they were very comfortable it also meant that she would slump in it awkwardly without decent back support and then she would be in more pain than normal. And if she was in too much pain, she wouldn’t be able to do what little she normally could for herself and then Ryan would have to help her with even more which would be even more humiliating…

Her spiralling thoughts were interrupted by Graham who had a chess set in his hands. “Why don’t we take a break Doc? We could go for a walk or have a game of chess?”

“Yeah Graham, that would be good.”

She was relieved to move away from the film. She felt unwelcome, intrusive. Not that Ryan and Sonya were doing anything to make her feel that way, but she was aware of how much of Ryan’s free time she monopolised already. Between babysitting her, his work and studying for his internship he had barely any free time and what he did have he gave to Sonya. Now she was intruding on that as well. 

Stupid useless body.

Stupid broken brain.

By the time she had made it to the table Graham had already set the board. In the past, he would have been no match for her, it would barely have taken an ounce of her concentration to beat him hands down. Now though, she still won, but she actually had to think about it.

By the time they had played two games, with a break for tea and custard creams in the middle, she was exhausted and could feel herself nodding off where she sat. She was briefly startled awake when Yaz put in a hurried phone call to say good night but unfortunately gave the news that there was no way she would be able to sneak out for an hour. She had rung off after less than a minute with _“I love you, I’ll phone you as soon as I can in the morning.”_ To which the Doctor had replied _“Love you too, stay safe.”_ And had then, pathetically, struggled not to cry.

“Doc, you’re exhausted love, why don’t you go to bed?” Graham had suggested kindly.

“I…”

“Come on, I’ll give you a hand.” Ryan offered casually. He looked like he meant it, he looked calm, sincere but inside her own hearts were doing the samba because she knew he must think her totally worthless. He should be enjoying his evening with Sonya, not worrying about her.

“Our stairs are narrower than Yaz’s, are you okay if I give you a piggy back up?” he asked.

She nodded. What other choice did she have?”

Ryan picked her up easily and she held on tightly to his shoulders feeling ridiculous. When they got upstairs he went into the spare room and deposited her carefully on the bed.

“Do you want to shower or anything tonight?”

She shook her head violently. Stars no, that could wait. She knew Yaz would have told him not to leave her in the shower again in case she had another seizure and she did not need Ryan watching her do that.

“I’ll find you a pair of pyjamas then” he said easily, disappearing for a few minutes and returning with a plain t-shirt and a pair of shorts and handed them to her.

“I know you don’t want me to do this Doctor, if it makes you feel better I don’t wanna do it either. I will do anything to help you but I know this makes you uncomfortable and that’s what I don’t wanna do. If you wanna sleep in your clothes then that’s okay too but I think you’ll be more comfortable if you change.”

“Okay.”

“Do you want me to wait outside while you get as far as you can?”

She nodded and he left her to it. The Doctor sat on the edge of the bed, holding herself upright by holding onto the edge of the mattress. Slowly she wriggled her way out of her t-shirts, grateful that even though she was tired, she wasn’t quite so uncoordinated that she couldn’t undress herself, which did happen with annoying regularity. She couldn’t undo her own bra though so she just put Ryan’s t-shirt on over the top. She could take off her own shoe and sock but she couldn’t do the button on her trousers or pull them down without help so reluctantly she called Ryan back in.

“What do you need me to do?” he asked, no trace of embarrassment.

“My bra… and my trousers” the Doctor whispered, flushing with utter humiliation.

“No worries, may I?” he gestured towards her top.

She nodded and he lifted up the back of it to unfasten the clasp for her. When he had done it, she quickly slid her arms out of it and put them back in the sleeves of the t-shirt. It was huge and if she were able to stand up she was pretty sure it would reach to at least her knees.

“What about your trousers?”

“I need you to do the button. I can lift my hips off the bed if you… if you… if you pull my trousers down.”

“No problem. Do you want me to take your underwear with it? I can stick them in the wash if you like so they’re clean for the morning but it’s up to you if you want to leave them.”

She stared at the floor, willing it to open and swallow her whole. Some floors did that but sadly not this one.

She really didn’t want to sleep in her pants, or have to wear them again tomorrow if they weren’t clean but Ryan taking them…

“Doctor?” Ryan prompted and she realised she had been zoning out.

“No take them off please.”

He could barely hear her, her voice was so quiet and as she lifted her hips clear of the bed he tried his best to be as quick as he could and touch her as little as possible. Before he did anything he pulled the t-shirt down as far as it would go to protect as much of her modesty as he could.

_It’s only Ryan. Ryan would never hurt you. He would never even think of doing something tha would hurt you. Pull yourself together._

But she couldn’t. She felt sick and she closed her eyes against the memories that were assaulting her, memories of men tearing her clothes off, of having them withheld as punishment.

When the Doctor was dressed Ryan took her into the bathroom, leaving her on the loo with a spare toothbrush to sort herself out while he waited outside before carrying her back into the bedroom. She took a long time and Ryan wasn’t sure if it was because it just took her so much longer to complete basic tasks now or if she was hiding from him. Probably a combination of the two.

He didn’t say much as he carried her back into the bedroom. He knew the Doctor was utterly humiliated and he could practically feel the anxiety rolling off her in waves. He wasn’t sure what to do for the best; keep her company for a bit while she calmed down or leave her and give her space. Based on her inability to look or speak to him he decided on space, he didn’t want to make things worse by over staying his welcome so he left her on the bed, checked she didn’t need anything and went back downstairs.

The Doctor sat up in bed, her closed fists rubbing up and down her thighs in a self-soothing manner as she tried to get her brain to calm down. She felt sick. Ryan had been far too close and she vaguely wondered if Yaz would be back in time to help her in the morning or if she could just stay in bed until she was back.

 _Don’t be selfish_ she chastised herself. _When Yaz gets off shift she’ll be exhausted. She doesn’t need to be wrestling your body into clothes._

She groaned quietly trying to block all the thoughts from her head as they threatened to overwhelm her entirely.

Her phone buzzed with a text and a quick glance showed her it was from Yaz.

_I love you, text if you need me during the night. I’ll call you if I’m able XXX_

It made her went to cry.

There was a soft knock in the door and she tugged the t-shirt down a bit self consciously. She didn’t like the way it exposed the scars on her arms or the way the too big neckline exposed the scars at the top of her chest and neck. There was a reason she always wore high necks and long sleeves.

“Yeah?” she called.

To her astonishment, it was Sonya who came in. “Would it be okay if I talked to you?” she asked sheepishly.

Actually it really wasn’t a good time. She was exhausted and on edge and anxiety was coursing through her like waves.

But also she really wanted to have a better relationship with Sonya, she was Yaz’s sister and it only made life difficult that they didn’t get on.

“Sure… do you wanna sit?”

“Sit? Yeah, sittings good.” Sonya agreed nervously and perched awkwardly on the end of the bed, leaning against the foot board and twirling her hair around her finger in exactly the same way Yaz did when she was nervous.

“So… are you staying here tonight?” the Doctor finally asked to break the silence.

“Please… don’t tell my parents.”

“I’m not your mother Sonya, it’s none of my business what you do. If I was worried about your safety then maybe, but I'm not.”

She looked surprised at that. “Thanks.”

She clearly wanted something and was struggling to put it into words. What it was likely to be, the Doctor had no idea. Probably something personal and she tried to mentally prepare herself.

“You can ask me whatever you want to Sonya and I’ll try and be honest with you. I can't promise that I’ll be able to answer you but I won't be offended by you asking the question.”

“I’m worried about Yaz.” she said bluntly.

_It was a start but probably not what she really wanted to talk about._

“Me too.” The Doctor replied honestly.

“She has to take care of you all the time.”

“I wish she didn’t have to.”

“Why don’t your family help?”

“I don’t have a family. I grew up in a succession of foster homes, they’re all dead.”

“You said in that talk that you have brain damage.”

_Okay straight in at the deep end then._

“Yeah?..”

“What does that actually mean?”

“I don’t know what you’re asking me Sonya.”

“Is that why you sound drunk or like you’ve got a mouthful of marbles or something all the time and use a wheelchair?”

_Bit rude._

“Pretty much.”

“Are there other effects?

“What do you mean?”

“Like I know if you turned up at a club they’d probably turn you away for being drunk even if you were sober cause of the way you sound and obviously you can't walk. Is that it?”

_Well you did say she could ask you anything._

“I can't use my hands. Some things are easier to adapt to that than others, I can't really complete any tasks that involve fine motor skills so Yaz helps me. I’m getting better at looking after myself but Yaz won't leave me for too long in case I have a seizure, that’s why she asked me to stay here tonight. Honestly it’s hard to tell which effects come from the brain damage and which come from the PTSD. Yaz can explain it better than I can, it’s hard for me to focus on new information.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Brain damage is physical. If you looked at an MRI of my head you would be able to see the areas of my brain that are affected. I was kept on heavy duty drugs and repeatedly kicked in the head so I wouldn’t fight back and the seizure you saw in the park was the straw that broke the camel’s back in that respect. The PTSD is a mental health condition. There are scans you can use to see the damage it causes but it’s not physical damage.”

“I looked it up, people with PTSD can be angry and violent. Have you ever hurt Yaz?”

“Yes” she whispered, her face flooding with shame as she remembered the incident where she had shoved Yaz and Yaz had ended up with a black eye and bruised cheek where she had banged into the coffee table.

Sonya nodded slightly, accepting her answer. “What if you do it again?”

“I don’t think I will.”

“How can you be sure?”

“I can't. But I have less issues with controlling my emotions now, I used to have a lot of problems with mood swings. And I’m better at walking away so to speak. I'm more likely to attack myself than Yaz.”

“Somehow that doesn’t make me feel any better, it just makes you sound like a nutter.”

“I said I’d be honest with you.”

“True.”

“Yaz is my sister. I need to know you’re treating her well.”

“I certainly try to. I know I don’t always manage it but I always try to.”

“She loves you.”

“I know.”

“Just don’t hurt her Doctor. We might not always get on but she's the only sister I’ve got and if you upped and left her I’m not sure I’d have her anymore.”

“I will do everything in my power to make Yaz happy, whatever it takes.”

Sonya got up and walked to the door.

“For what it’s worth I’m sorry for what you went through. I can't even begin to imagine how awful it must have been for you. But I still worry about Yaz.”

Graham sat bolt upright in bed, jolted awake by a horrific, screeching wail.

The fire alarm!

He jumped out of bed, vaguely registering the time on the digital clock radio. _4:07am_

He shoved his feet into his slippers and pulled his dressing gown over his shoulders, touching the doorknob carefully in case it was hot.

In the hallway Ryan and Sonya were emerging from Ryan’s room, both fully clothed he was relieved to see.

“Wait that’s not the fire alarm…”

“It’s the Doctor, she’s screaming. I got her.”

Graham followed his grandson into the bedroom. The Doctor was curled up tightly in bed, her arms wrapped around her head tightly. He hung back by the doorway with Sonya and watched as Ryan sat down beside her and attempted to shake her awake, calling the her name until she woke with a gasp.

He watched as the Doctor blinked in confusion, trying to register where she was and what was happening.

“Doctor, it’s just Ryan” he said quietly, moving away from where he was kneeling over her and crouching on the floor instead.

“I’m fine.” came her response: quick, automatic, untrue.

“I’m so sorry I woke you.” She said softly, guilt lacing her voice as she took in the slightly blurry figures of Graham and Sonya in the half light coming in through the thin curtains from the street lights outside.

“Well if you’re alright cockle I’ll head back to bed.” Graham shuffled out of the bedroom, his slippers slapping softly against the carpet of the hallway and his bedroom door clicked softly shut behind him. Sonya disappeared as well, her bare feet making no sound.

“What do you need Doctor?” Ryan asked her. He looked concerned.

“Nothing I’m fine.”

“What would Yaz be doing right now?”

_She would tell me she loves me. Tell me that it’s okay to have nightmares. Hold me tight until I fell asleep again._

“We would go back to sleep Ryan. I’m fine, go back to bed.” 

“You don’t look fine.”

She didn’t, she was pale and sweaty, her hair clinging damply to her face.

“Ryan go back to bed, please.”

She lay back down and rolled over, curling round one of the pillows which was in no way the same as cuddling Yaz.

Ryan sighed and left the room. Maybe tomorrow would be better.


	71. Chapter 71

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is actually part one of this chapter. I was about to do the next bit and then realised that it was already almost 5000 words long so I decided to split it into two. I found this really hard to write actually, I hope it reads okay. Stay tuned for part two!
> 
> Thank-you for all your encouragement Shambling, Toolazytocomeupwithaname and WalkerLister.

There was a soft knock on the door and Ryan stuck his head in.

“You awake?” he asked the Doctor, unnecessarily, as she was sitting up in bed, replying to a text from Yaz, who was still being frustratingly tight lipped about whatever case she was working on. The Doctor knew that confidentiality played a big part of her job, but it wasn’t like Yaz to play her cards so close to her chest. It only made her worry about Yaz even more, the conversation with Sonya still on her mind.

“I’m sorry I woke you last night Ryan.” she offered by way of a greeting.

“Don’t be. You heard from Yaz yet this morning?”

She showed him her phone with the most recent text from Yaz, a long row of yawning emojis.

“I don’t normally trust emojis but I think I’ve got the message.”

“Why don’t you trust emojis? Seems a weird thing to have mistrust in.”

“Because I once met emoji robots that killed anyone who didn’t have a smiley face and turned them into compost.”

He looked at her, trying to decide if she was being serious or not. With the Doctor, you couldn’t always tell.

“Your clothes are dry.” He offered, showing her the pile of freshly laundered items she had been wearing the day before.

“Thanks” she muttered, not ungrateful, just embarrassed.

“Do you wanna shower now or after breakfast?” Ryan offered casually.

_Neither._

“Look you don’t want me to help you any more than I want to have to do it. We would both be much more comfortable if you could do it on your own but we both know that you’re not there yet. I know Yaz won't leave you alone in case you have a seizure but you look and sound okay to me, so how about if I take you in there, help you do whatever bits you need help with, leave the door unlocked and wait outside?”

“Fine”. She muttered, staring at the duvet, too ashamed to meet Ryan’s gaze.

The Doctor was fidgeting anxiously with her hands and Ryan found himself feeling sorry for her. She didn’t have much independence, but away from home she had even less. And after hearing her speak the day before, he couldn’t imagine how hard it was for her to let anyone touch her, let alone him as a man. Most days she just about tolerated him helping her with a simple transfer, but getting in and out of the bath was something else entirely.

Ryan took her into the bathroom and made sure she was balanced on the flip down stool that was still fitted in the bathroom from when Graham had gone through chemo. With her permission, he pulled her shorts past her hips but left the rest for her to do on her own. When he was sure she was safe and could reach everything she might need without leaning or stretching which could upset her balance he left her to it, closing the door behind him and sitting on the floor outside the door, listening for any sign that she might need help.

The Doctor took a long time and by the time she had finished Graham had made them all fried egg sandwiches. She had mostly dressed herself, Ryan had pulled her trousers up and fastened the button and had fumbled embarrassingly as he had attempted to fasten her bra for her – he had taken plenty off, well a couple, hadn't put so many back on, how did women do it behind their backs? But tying her scarf for her was one step too far and Sonya had to do that.

The Doctor was virtually silent on the drive to hers and Yaz’s house. She stayed in the car while Ryan nipped in to collect her leg from where it lived beside her bed and grabbed a parcel from the doormat. She looked on the verge of crying when she realised she couldn’t open it and almost threw it at Ryan when he offered to help her open it. He raised his eyes at her, she usually had much better control over her anger these days, but he opened the packet none the less and handed it back without comment. She would apologise when she had calmed down, until then it was best to leave her to stew. Once it was open, she was able to pull the rest of the packet apart using her teeth to help. It was the gait belt she and Yaz hard ordered together though there was no sign of the walking frame yet.

The gait belt was made of a strong, blue, padded fabric and would sit snugly around her waist. It had several black handles on it, both horizontal and vertical, so that whoever was holding her upright would be able to adjust their position as necessary. While undoubtedly it would be more comfortable for her than having someone clutching her waist or holding the back of her trousers every time she needed help to move, she couldn’t help but hate it anyway. Yet another symbol of how sick, how feeble and frail she had become. It just felt wrong, it wasn’t her. Why couldn’t she have just died? It would have been so much easier than this.

“Has your walker arrived yet?” Ryan asked interestedly.

A walker. Like Yaz’s Nani, an old woman used. Somehow, the Doctor thought, the thought of using it felt worse than her wheelchair. Maybe because she didn’t make a complete ass of herself in her chair, she was stable and secure and becoming better at doing stuff for herself but to use the walking frame it would, in a way, be like having to use the big wheelchair again, she would need help and be dependent on one of her friends _again_. And, if she was totally honest with herself, she couldn’t see how it was going to work, she could barely sit. She was weak and exhausted all the time. How was she supposed to stand or walk when most days she couldn’t even move her leg or roll over or go from lying to sitting without help?

“No” she grumbled crossly, not looking up and shoving the gait belt off her lap and onto the floor in annoyance.

They ended up stuck in traffic. Ryan and Sonya were talking quietly and the Doctor was digging her knuckles into her thighs, running them up and down as she tried to relieve her body of some of the tension that seemed to have built up that made her feel so angry. Ryan didn’t deserve her anger, he had only been trying to help her. And he had been nothing but respectful that morning. But still, she couldn’t get the image of him _dressing_ her out of her mind. How he had had his hands on her, she could still feel them now, it made her feel queasy just thinking about it. She hated being touched at the best of times but while she was out of her chair, which made her significantly more vulnerable than she already was, and by a man, even if it was Ryan, was horrendous and sent her brain off at a hundred miles an hour and she just couldn’t get it back under control.

By the time they finally made it to the college the Doctor had managed to calm herself down a little. She was tired, having not gone back to sleep the previous night after her nightmares, cross and in pain but her brain had quietened down a little so she was feeling marginally calmer overall. And she had stopped twitching like she had been over breakfast. It had gotten so bad that Ryan had offered to feed her after more of her fried egg sandwich had ended up in her lap than her mouth. She had quickly declined that offer. She couldn’t bear the thought of going back to the days where she needed to be fed. While she couldn’t exactly be described as independent, the little that she could do for herself was infinitely preferable to being entirely dependent on her friends for every movement and need from the basic to the humiliating.

“Doctor? You with me?”

She jumped slightly. Ryan was crouching down beside her, outside the car now, and she vaguely registered that they were parked in front of the college. When had they arrived there?

“Wha… yeah.”

“You sure? I’ve been trying to get your attention for a couple of minutes now.”

Behind him she could see Sonya standing, frowning at her though it seemed less hostile than normal.

“Here” he pressed a napkin in between her fingers and indicated the side of his mouth. She gave an annoyed swipe at her own, realising that she had been dribbling again.

_Pathetic. Disgusting. Worthless._

Ryan stepped out of her way and the Doctor pulled her wheelchair closer, angled it correctly and checked the brakes.

“Going to need a hand here” she muttered, and Ryan nervously moved in closer. If she fell, she would go backwards, head first onto the tarmac, she almost certainly wouldn’t be able to save herself and the consequence of such a fall… he didn’t even want to think about it. 

Ryan wrapped his arm around her torso apprehensively and on her count helped her lift herself across the gap. She wobbled slightly, landing in her chair in a bit of a heap but didn’t fall and he breathed a sigh of relief.

The Doctor followed Ryan and Sonya into the college. Ryan signed her in and stuck an ID sticker to her top and they made their way to the dance studio. It held no signs of the fire that had happened at the beginning of the academic year but as they walked past the art corridor where she had worked desperately hard to get those kids to safety, the scent of smoke threatened to overwhelm her.

She only realised she had stopped moving when Ryan was crouching beside her again.

“Do you want to leave?”

“No I'm fine. I'm here for Yaz.”

“Yaz only wants you to be safe. If being here is too much for…”

“I said I'm fine Ryan.” She pushed her wheels aggressively, not bothering to steer round him and he jumped out of her way and followed her down the corridor. He tried not to take it personally, she was rarely in control over her bad moods. But he also made a mental note to talk to Yaz about the Doctor’s apparent inability to cope without her.

The door to the dance studio was heavy and the Doctor made her annoyance about that well known as Ryan held the door open for her and she wheeled in. It wasn’t huge but it had a water fountain in one corner, a fancy music set up in another, mirrors along the two long walls, portable ballet barres stored along the wall and a smooth wooden floor. It would certainly be big enough for what they needed.

As long as the Doctor managed to calm down enough to use it.

Sonya was already in the far corner fiddling with the music player and Ryan smartly stepped in front of the Doctor, stopping her from going any further into the room.

“Are you gonna tell me what’s eating you?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Yeah you do. You’re seriously irritable today. Either you’re upset about something and refusing to talk about it or you’re heading for a seizure and it would be helpful to know which one.” He said quietly in an attempt to keep their conversation private.

She rolled her eyes at him. “I’m not going to have a seizure, I feel fine.”

“Good. Do you wanna talk about whatever’s upset you then?”

“I’m not upset” she insisted.

“Yeah you are. And I'm pretty sure I know why.”

She glared at him, folding her arms across her chest – protectively? defensively? He couldn’t tell.

“I’m sorry I had to help you this morning and last night Doctor. I'm sorry Yaz wasn’t here to do it. I'm sorry you couldn’t do it yourself. I know having me do that stuff for you is really hard for you, I can't even pretend to imagine what it must be like for you. But the fact is that whether you like it or not, you do need that help and you can't take your anger about that out on me because it isn’t my fault and I don’t deserve it.”

She opened her mouth for a second like she was about to respond and then closed it again as if she thought better of it.

“You’re my best friend Doctor and I’ll always be there for you but you can't treat me like shit. I haven’t done anything wrong here. I'm here with you now to help _you_ because _you_ asked me to even though I can't dance and I'm sure I'm about to make a complete moron of myself in front of my girlfriend for you. All I want to do is run away right now but I won't because I made a promise.”

She stared at him for a minute. “I think I need five.” She said finally.

“Then take it, I’ll be here when you get back. But don’t treat me like crap or I’ll leave and you can find your own way home. There’s an accessible loo at the end of the corridor if you want privacy. If not go for a wander down the corridors or do whatever the hell it is you do.”

Ryan watched as the Doctor gripped the back of her neck tightly for a moment. She looked like she was going to scream but she didn’t, she went through the door which he had wedged open and he watched her go, her back rigid and tense, jaw set. She was really having issues, they were probably heading for a meltdown or worse. He vaguely wondered what Yaz would do in this situation but what was the point in that? She was at work where she needed to be and he wasn’t going to disturb her unless they were in an emergency.

“Is she always this temperamental?” asked Sonya, watching her sisters supposedly adult girlfriend go and hide in a toilet.

Ryan sighed. “No, not usually. She used to have mood swings all the time that she couldn’t control but honestly don’t remember the last time. Usually when she’s like this it means she’s heading for worse.” He admitted.

“Worse?”

“Bad temper and irritability are symptoms she’s on her way to a seizure. Don’t know if she’ll have one, her speech is okay and she's not shaking or having spasms so hopefully she's fine.”

“Do you know what to do if she has a seizure?”

“Yeah, never had her have one on me on my own though.”

“Is this what Yaz puts up with all the time?”

“No” he replied honestly. Sonya looked at him disbelievingly. “Genuinely she's normally got a better hold of herself now. She's really stressed out because I had to help her with her personal care and don’t forget what happened last time she was here.”

“Fair enough, for weeks every time I was here and I would here an unexpected noise I was ready to run in case it was the fire alarm was about to go off again. Would you actually just walk away and leave her here?”

Ryan rubbed his nose. “No. Or at least not without having Graham come pick her up. She’d never figure out the buses and she doesn’t cope well on her own at the best of times, least of all in public.”

Sonya sat down on a stool beside the music player. “Do you think Yaz is gonna have to care for her forever?”

“Honestly? Probably to an extent. I don’t think it'll always be this hard but even if she does walk again her leg isn’t going to grow back magically. She’ll learn to better manage her PTSD and brain injury symptoms and they’ll hopefully lessen over time, but they aren’t going away. I think it would be easier if they lived somewhere more accessible so the Doctor could be more independent.”

Their conversation was interrupted by the Doctor reappearing in the doorway. She hovered looking sheepish. Ryan vaguely wondered how much she had overheard. Wasn’t like he had said anything untrue or that she didn’t know but no on likes being talked about.

The Doctor shook out her hands anxiously, her palms were a little sweaty. Ryan and Sonya moved apart from each other as soon as they spotted her, she had clearly just interrupted a conversation. Judging by the guilty look on Sonya’s face it was about her.

“Are you coming in or hanging out in the doorway or the rest of the session?” Ryan finally asked her, breaking the awkward silence.

“I wasn’t sure…”

“We’re here for you Doctor. Only have the studio for another forty minutes.”

“I'm sorry… my head… I just…” she stumbled over her words as she attempted to apologise for and explain her behaviour.

“I know.”

The Doctor rubbed her nose with the heel of her hand uncomfortably.

“Do you need to go back to the house and rest?”

“No, but after this.”

Ryan wasn’t convinced. There was certainly no way he was going to help her stand, they didn’t really have time anyway by the time she would get her leg on and they would figure out and adjust the gait belt to fit. But regardless of what she was saying, she wasn’t okay.

The three of them started off by putting on one of Sonya’s playlists and moving around. The Doctor felt ridiculously self-conscious. Her usual dancing involved just throwing her arms up in the air and running around having fun. Now she could half throw her arms in the air though they didn’t really go much more than shoulder height, or she could wheel around like crazy (and probably roll over someone’s toes or crash into something) but she couldn’t do both. She thought briefly back to the last wedding she had attended that wasn’t her own, Amy and Rory’s she was pretty sure. She had danced around like crazy, had a lot of fun, and hadn't cared that she’d looked like or what anyone had thought. But now she already stood out, no matter where she went people stared and whispered. The least she could do was not embarrass Yaz anymore than she already did.

They didn’t have long but at least by the time the next group of people arrived to use the room she was a little more confident in moving her chair around with the music. Saying she was enjoying herself would be a bit of a stretch but it wasn’t terrible.

Several hours later, after lunch and another sleep on Graham’s comfy sofa the Doctor was woken by the ringing of her phone.

“Hello?” she mumbled sleepily.

 _“I’ve woken you, I’m so sorry love. I thought you would be up by now.”_ Came Yaz’s voice.

“No it’s fine. I'm up now.” The Doctor replied, attempting to sit up. “Are you okay?”

_“Yeah of course, working still.”_

“Do you know when you’ll be home?” she asked, trying to keep her voice even like it didn’t matter.

_“I’m sorry Doctor, that’s why I'm calling. I have no idea when I'm going to get out of here. Probably not tonight, I'm so sorry.”_

“Oh…” she whispered, taking a deep breath to steady herself. “That’s okay.”

_“I'm so sorry love. I know you don’t like staying other places but I need you to stay at Ryan and Graham’s.”_

“Why? What aren’t you telling me?”

_“I can't tell you Doctor, not yet anyway. Just promise me you’ll stay where you are. I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important.”_

“What’s going on Yaz?”

_“I’ll tell you when I can. I have to go, Jennifer’s calling me. I'm sorry.”_

The Doctor took another deep breath and wiped furiously at here eyes. She was _not_ going to cry. Not again.

The Doctor finally managed to pull herself into a sitting position and leaned against the side of the sofa, panting slightly. She noticed to her extreme annoyance that someone had moved her wheelchair to the other side of the room out of the way. Which would be fine if they asked and then moved it back but they hadn't. It wasn’t like there was anywhere she could go but she always felt more vulnerable when she didn’t have it. Right now, she could sit where she was or throw herself onto the floor. With a grunt she twisted round and put her leg on the floor in an attempt to sit more comfortably on Graham’s saggy sofa but she couldn’t stop her body from slumping uncomfortably sideways.

“You alright cockle?” asked Graham, appearing suddenly from the kitchen, closing the door carefully behind him.

“Can you bring me my chair?”

Graham moved her wheelchair beside the sofa and the Doctor shoved it into position before making an ungainly transfer into it.

“Yaz called, she's asked me to stay here tonight. She doesn’t think she’ll get off tonight.”

“You can stay here as long as you like.”

“Is Ryan here?”

“Not at the moment, he’s dropping Sonya off home… You need anything love?”

She shook her head. “I'm fine. Thanks Graham.”

If nothing else, her brain felt less full than it had that morning and she was actually able to focus on Graham’s words properly.

“We’ve got a visitor who might cheer you up if you wanna meet him?”

Somehow she doubted that very much. She hated meeting new people, they just looked at her with pity or disgust or fear and spoke to Yaz as if she wasn’t there or was stupid or something.

But it was too late, Graham was on his way out to the kitchen and before she knew it there was a dog sniffing excitedly around her chair.

“What… where did you come from?” she laughed as the dog licked her fingers.

“He belongs to Silvija next door, she’s had to go into hospital unexpectedly for a few days and I said I’d dog sit.”

“What’s his name?”

“Alfie.”

The dog was small and white with slightly coarse wiry fur over his body and softer fluff around his head and ears. He was very excited to meet the Doctor, already putting his paws on her knee and sniffing her chair with interest. The Doctor responded to his excited greeting eagerly, scratching his ears and cooing at him.

She looked, Graham realised, happier than he’d seen her in days.

“You ever had a dog Doc?”

“Once. He was a robot dog called K-9. He lives with an old friend of mine now, Sarah-Jane.”

Graham snorted, of course the dog was a robot and of course she had called it K-9. What else would she do. It was just so… very Doctor of her.

“Do you ever go and visit?”

“Sarah or K-9?”

“Both.”

“Haven’t seen them for a while. They helped me out when there was a Krillitane problem in a secondary school near London.”

“You could go visit.” Graham prompted gently.

“Sarah-Jane died, cancer. About ten years ago now. I was at her funeral. K-9 lives with her son now, I would never go and take him back.”

“Oh, I’m sorry about your friend love.”

The Doctor typically shrugged away his sympathy and concentrated on stroking Alfie, he seemed to have a weakness for ear scratches. Graham left her to it and went to rummage for something to make for dinner.

When Ryan came home, he and Graham wrestled the Doctor’s wheelchair through the kitchen and out into the garden, carrying her through separately. They ended up having to take the wheels right off her chair to make it narrow enough to go through the door and even then they had to push it through at an angle.

Ryan found an old tennis ball and with the Doctor, they threw the ball back and forth for Alfie who was getting thoroughly over excited as he scampered across Graham’s big garden, barking and yapping. Even though the Doctor’s throws were small and pathetic compared to Ryan’s he seemed to show no preference and even started putting the ball in the Doctor’s lap for her to pick up when he realised she wasn’t going to pick it up off the floor. By the time they had been at it for an hour, Alfie was exhausted and Graham appeared with three steaming bowls of carbonara which he put on the patio table.

After dinner Ryan helped the Doctor out of her chair and onto the grass and flopped down beside her. She always had enjoyed a good sunset. Alfie quickly came to join them, butting them with his head until they engaged in a game of rough and tumble. Ryan was surprised at how mobile the Doctor seemed to be rolling around the grass with the dog and he wondered if at least some of her muscle weakness was in her head. He still went to hydrotherapy with her and Yaz twice a week and while she had undoubtedly made progress given that she was no longer essentially experiencing paralysis throughout her body, she seemed to have stagnated in the last two to three weeks or so, although Yaz had mentioned that she had acquired more functional skills at home.

Eventually though, Alfie began to tire and he lay across the Doctor’s leg. He seemed to have developed a fascination with her residual leg and kept licking the end of her stump as if to say ‘somethings missing, where is it?’. As the dog tired, the Doctor did too and she finally agreed to go up to bed. Ryan suspected she had been putting off the inevitable in case by some miracle Yaz turned up but eventually, when she was struggling to hold her own head up she gave in and consented to having Ryan help her get ready for bed again.

The Doctor sat anxiously on the edge of the bed where Ryan had put her gently after piggybacking her up the stairs again, Alfie beside her. He was wandering up and down the duvet, sniffing all the wrinkles of fabric excitedly. She felt less apprehensive than she had the night before but once again, the thought of Ryan helping her… it was… difficult and overwhelming. Slowly, she pulled off her t-shirts, replacing them with her own pyjamas this time before reluctantly calling Ryan back in to help her with everything else.

By the time she was dressed and finished in the bathroom her body was shaking traitorously again and she struggled to manoeuvre herself under the duvet so much that Ryan ended up having to tuck her in like she was a small child. Alfie was already curled up contentedly at the end of her bed. He had a dog bed with him which Graham had been planning to leave in the kitchen over night but Alfie seemed determined to sleep with the Doctor so he had brought it upstairs, only now he was refusing to leave her bed and was lying contentedly with his head resting on the Doctor’s ankle. He was even snoring.

When the Doctor woke the next morning she felt marginally better than she had the previous morning. She had had a nightmare but hadn't screamed the house down, instead Alfie had laid on her chest comfortingly in the dark as she had struggled to regain control of her breathing, licking her face encouragingly. It was actually similar to when Yaz would give her deep pressure, he had been a solid, reassuring weight that had tethered her to reality. She also had a text from Yaz which had been sent shortly after five that morning.

_Morning, I'm home. See you whenever, I’ll probably be asleep, absolutely shattered! Come in quietly! Love you XXX_

Suddenly Alfie gave a bark and scratched at the door.

“I can't let you out bud, I'm stuck.”

“Doctor, you awake?” came Ryan’s voice from the hallway.

“Yeah…”

Ryan stuck his head round the door. Alfie raced out of it and the Doctor could hear his paws on the stairs and Graham offering to let him out to the garden.

“Yaz text you?”

“Yeah, she's home. Can you drop me off? I’d like to make her breakfast or something for when she wakes up.”

“Right now?”

“Yeah… please Ryan. I just need to go home.”

Half an hour later, still clad in her pyjamas, the Doctor was dropped off in front of hers and Yaz’s house. Ryan helped her transfer into her wheelchair and then waited to make sure she got in through the door okay before disappearing.

As soon as she got through the door though, the Doctor knew something was wrong.

She could hear Yaz upstairs. She was making soft noises of distress, somewhere between a whimper and a cry and the occasional shout of an unintelligible word.

“Yaz?” she called upstairs anxiously.

Yaz didn’t answer.

There was a loud thud followed by a small shriek, then silence.

“YAZ!?..”


	72. Chapter 72

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this chapter is a surprise for us all, I wrote it all today but it was much easier to write than the last one. I think it's better too, hope you enjoy!

Half an hour later, still clad in her pyjamas, the Doctor was dropped off in front of hers and Yaz’s house. Ryan helped her transfer into her wheelchair and then waited to make sure she got in through the door okay before disappearing.

As soon as she got through the door though, the Doctor knew something was wrong.

She could hear Yaz upstairs. She was making soft noises of distress, somewhere between a whimper and a cry and the occasional shout of an unintelligible word.

“Yaz?” she called upstairs anxiously.

Yaz didn’t answer.

There was a loud thud followed by a small shriek, then silence.

“YAZ!?..”

The Doctor moved her wheelchair to the bottom of the stairs, grabbing the bannister as if she were suddenly, miraculously, going to be able to get out of her wheelchair and walk up the stairs.

Unsurprisingly, that didn’t happen.

She could hear Yaz again, she was crying.

“YAZ?” she called up the stairs.

Now she was beginning to panic. Whatever was happening, Yaz was only a few feet away and yet she couldn’t get to her, couldn’t help her.

She let out a small screech of frustration and hit her useless legs as hard as she could with her closed fist, as if that was going to make them wake up and do their job.

Yaz had gone silent again but the Doctor could hear her moving about in the bed.

What was so wrong that she couldn’t answer?

The silence settled it. The Doctor undid the seatbelt of her chair with fumbling hands and wriggled onto the floor. It wasn’t something she and Yaz had even attempted together yet and gravity took over, pulling her heavily on her right elbow as she landed in a heap.

One thing she and Yaz did do in therapy was attempt to move around the floor. And she was terrible at it. If she was completely honest, she found it demeaning and didn’t really put as much effort into it as she probably could have. Now she was seriously regretting that as she attempted to drag her body across the floor from where it had landed to the base of the stairs.

The Doctor sat on the floor at the base of the stairs, her wrist wrapped around the lowest spindle for balance. How the hell was she supposed to get up them? There were only fourteen steps but there might as well have been a hundred or a thousand. Why not make it a million?

Letting go of the spindle, the Doctor put both hands on the second stair and struggled to lift her hips high enough to land cleanly on the first step. It took five attempts for her to figure out how to do it. One step down, thirteen to go.

By the sixth step, her arms were already trembling with exhaustion and every step felt like a mountain to climb. Her leg had started to spasm underneath her and she rubbed it furiously, trying to get it to calm down as she paused to catch her breath.

Two more steps. She was sweating now. Upstairs she could hear Yaz crying quietly again.

But her leg gave a particularly violent jerk and before she realised what was happening, she was tumbling down the stairs and had landed painfully in a heap at the bottom.

She lay on the floor of the hall for a minute, slightly stunned. Now everything hurt. She could taste blood in her mouth and the foot plate of her wheelchair was digging painfully into her lower back.

Somehow, falling had only made her more determined, and ignoring the pain in her back she pushed her body back to the stairs, determined to try again.

“I'm coming Yaz.”

The Doctor bit her lip in concentration as she once again started to haul her uncooperative body up the Mount Everest of staircases. After just a few steps she lost her shoe but she ignored it as it tumbled to the bottom, trying not to imagine her own body doing that again because stars alive had that hurt.

Her leg was jerking painfully underneath her now, bouncing off of each step, sending waves of pain shooting up her thigh and into her body.

By the time the Doctor reached the top of the stairs she was sweating, panting and trembling all over, her leg still spasming frustratingly and her arm throwing in a few for good measure.

Nearly there, she could see the bedroom door, it was cracked open and from her position on the floor she could see the bedside lamp on the floor. Was that what had caused the thud? How had it got there?

Crawling humiliatingly in a manner akin to a caterpillar, or perhaps a worm seeing as her legs were no help whatsoever, the Doctor dragged herself along the carpeted floor to the bedroom, feeling trepidations about what she was about to find.

It was hard to tell from the floor, but it looked like Yaz was in the grips of a night terror. Her face was red and wet with tears, screwed up as she moaned. The bed sheets were nearly entirely off the bed where she had been tossing and turning.

The last few feet across the bedroom floor felt like torture as she hauled herself over to the bed. She knew there was no way she would manage to lift herself onto the bed from the floor, chances were she would only end up hurting herself and she contented herself with leaning against the bedside cabinet and grabbing Yaz’s hand.

“Yaz, wake up, you're dreaming.” She said firmly, shaking Yaz’s arm.

Yaz snatched her arm back, fending the Doctor off as she cried out again. Somehow though, she had also moved closer to the edge of the bed and the Doctor was able to reach her properly.

Using her closed fist the Doctor rubbed the heel of her hand firmly on Yaz’s sternum and Yaz woke with a gasp, sitting up suddenly and gasping for breath.

“Yaz, are you alright?” the Doctor asked, anxious about the state her girlfriend had worked herself into.

“Bad dream, I'm okay.” She said quietly. But she didn’t look or sound okay.

“Talk to me Yaz, tell me what’s been going on.”

“I… why are you on the floor?”

“Because I can't get onto the bed.” The Doctor said, rolling her eye.

“How did you get up here?” Yaz asked, trying to work out why, if Ryan had carried her up the stairs, he would have dumped her on the floor.

“I crawled.”

“What, really?”

“Yaz stop deflecting. Talk to me. Where have you been for the last two days? What had you in such a horrific nightmare that you were screaming and I thought you were being attacked? That’s really more my job.” She added, trying to make a joke. Yaz didn’t laugh.

Yaz got out of bed and lifted the Doctor onto it, curling up beside her with her head resting against the Doctor’s chest, allowing herself to be held tightly by her girlfriend. It felt safe.

“Talk to me Yaz.” the Doctor murmured encouragingly into her ear.

“We found a pattern of rapes. They were all against women in wheelchairs, a pretty obvious signature you would think but they were all investigated by small units and no one had put the bigger picture together. And those are just the ones that were reported, on average only 20% of victims of sexual assault ever come forward. We had masses of evidence to put together from all the different investigations. It’s been insane.”

“Did you catch the guy?”

“No, not yet. We’ve got some leads, but we all got sent home to sleep. I have to go back after lunch, but I’ll be home by bedtime.”

The Doctor nodded, accepting the information without comment. She was trying not to think of it happening to her again, she would be just as unable to defend herself now as she had been when she was chained to a cold, damp, dirty floor.

“That’s why you wouldn’t let me come home isn’t it?”

Yaz nodded. “I'm sorry Doctor. I couldn’t just tell you that over the phone but I needed to know you were safe so I could concentrate. If you were to get hurt again…” she broke off, crying.

“That’s what you were dreaming about isn’t it? I thought I heard my name.”

Yaz nodded again. “I was dreaming that you were being attacked and I couldn’t do anything to help you. You were screaming and begging for me to help you but I was behind like, a glass screen or something, and I could see you and hear you but I couldn’t get to you. I'm so sorry. I promised you it would never happen again…”

“You can't make that promise Yaz. What I went through wasn’t your fault and there was nothing you could have done to have stopped it.

_Easy to say in the cold light of day, what else do you want me to tell you when you're screaming and crying and begging me not to let it happen again in the middle of the night?_

The Doctor held Yaz close as she cried, stroking her hair gently.

“Tell me how you got up the stairs.” She said eventually when she had calmed down enough to speak.

“There’s not much to tell. Got half way up, fell down to the bottom and tried again. Dragged myself up exactly how I'm sure you’re imaging it.” 

“You fell down the stairs?” Yaz exclaimed, sitting bolt upright. “What? Why didn’t you tell me? Are you hurt?”

“I'm fine.”

“Did you check?” Yaz asked accusingly as she looked at the Doctor as if expecting injuries to suddenly start appearing through her pyjamas.

“What?”

“Unless something has changed in the last two days you can't feel more than half your body, did you check you weren’t hurt?”

“Technically because I only have one leg it’s less than 50%, I’m missing about 14% of my body.”

“Doctor we’re not getting into the statistics of how much your amputation is for crying out loud, now move and let me check you’re not actively bleeding from anywhere. Do you hurt anywhere you can feel?”

The Doctor rolled her eye but held out the arm she had landed on when she had tumbled out of her wheelchair and slipped sideways.

Yaz rolled up the sleeve. There was a small graze on her elbow but nothing too serious.

“Sit forward, let me see you back.”

The Doctor complied, knowing there was no way Yaz would let it go until she had checked. It wasn’t like the Doctor could blame her after everything she had put her through.

“Doctor!” she gasped, “you have a massive, bloody graze and a puncture wound here that’s still bleeding! How could you not tell me? How did you even do that falling down the stairs?”

She was already off the bed and moving into the bathroom to collect their first aid supplies.

“I’m sure it’s not that bad.”

Yaz snapped a photo of the wound. It started just above her hip and extended all the way over to her spine and disappeared amongst the burn scars on the other side of her back and the scrapes from the grazes stretched up over the back of her rib cage.

The Doctor winced as Yaz showed her the photograph, impressed that the area was already bruising. “Okay, maybe it is that bad.” She conceded.

“Lie on your front for me.”

The Doctor huffed dramatically but scooched herself down the bed and flopped onto her back. She wriggled and kicked and eventually held out her hand for Yaz to pull her over.

“What, you can climb the stairs but you can't roll over?” Yaz said with her eyebrows raised.

“Apparently not” she said, frustrated as Yaz took hold of her wrist and hip and pulled her onto her front in one movement. The Doctor closed her eye against the dizziness that threatened to overwhelm her at the rapid change of position and felt Yaz stuff a couple of cushions under her hip and ribs to give her better access to the injury.

“You good?” the Doctor felt Yaz’s gentle hand on her shoulder.

“Dizzy, it’ll pass in a second.”

“Okay” Yaz said softly, sympathetically.

It was probably a good thing the Doctor had such limited sensation Yaz thought as she scrubbed carpet fibres out of the graze with sterile, alcohol based wipes and the other woman barely flinched. Yaz dressed it with a large dressing and taped it down firmly, knowing it would heal in a day or two anyway. While she was at it, she also covered carpet burns on the Doctor’s heel and stump and cleaned the graze on her elbow which she kissed better making the Doctor smile, though she left it open.

“I'm going to take a shower.” Yaz announced, chucking the used supplies in the bin.

“Shouldn’t you sleep?”

“I don’t think I can, I'm too wired.”

“You’ve only had about four hours Yaz, humans need sleep.”

“How about I shower and then we go downstairs and watch a movie on the sofa?”

“Deal” the Doctor agreed, knowing that Yaz would probably fall asleep once the film was on.

Yaz helped her roll over again and then disappeared to the bathroom.

The Doctor lifted out her phone and took the opportunity to text Ryan. If Yaz was going back to work after lunch she could go and dance again with him and Graham without having to come up with an excuse.

As predicted, Yaz fell asleep less than half an hour into the film. The Doctor turned the volume down and clumsily covered the two of them with a blanket. Yaz was leaning against the arm of the sofa and before she knew it, the Doctor had drifted off beside her, soothed by the soft, familiar snores of her girlfriend and the familiarity of being at home.

A couple of hours later found the Doctor, Ryan and Graham (Sonya was at work) at the college again. The Doctor had had Yaz put her prosthetic on before she had gone to work, claiming getting used to wearing it again. Yaz didn’t know she was out and she had left a vague note for her about helping Ryan so she wouldn’t worry in the unlikely event that she was home first that evening.

The second dance session was going considerably better than the first, probably because the Doctor was considerably less on edge and therefore Ryan was too. Plus, Graham’s good natured teasing of Ryan helped.

“You sure you’re okay trying this Ryan? I won't push you if you’re not happy.”

“I promised you I’d give it a go and I will.” Ryan replied evenly. The Doctor shuffled forwards slightly in her wheelchair, moving her foot off her footplate and onto the floor. Ryan looped the gait belt around her waist, tightening it so it sat securely and wouldn’t slip and triple checking that he had fastened it correctly. There was no way he was letting her fall again. But as well as being calmer today, she looked stronger and more focused. Really, the day before had just been a bad brain day all round and coupled with the lack of sleep, anxiety about Yaz, having her independence stripped away and having him do her personal care, it just hadn't been a good day. 

“Will you be able to move your feet when you’re up?” Her ability to move her legs and how well she could control those movements came and went depending on the day.

“No idea” she said with a signature face scrunch. “Sure it'll be fine.”

“Grandad will you move her wheelchair when we stand, I don’t wanna trip on it… but don’t go too far.”

“On it.” Graham answered, flicking the play switch and Coldplay came on. 

“Ready?” Ryan checked in, leaning forward and grabbing hold of two of the padded back handles.

The Doctor took a deep breath and nodded, wrapping her arms around Ryan’s shoulders. Ryan stood up straight, bringing the Doctor upright with him. She gave a squeak of discomfort as she was raised into a full standing position for the first time in months without the support of the water in the pool. She let out a small gasp and allowed her head to drop against Ryan’s chest as she gripped his shirt tightly, breathing through the wave of dizziness.

“You alright there Doc?” asked Graham sounding worried. She could feel his hands on her shoulders.

“Mmmm… give me a second” she mumbled. It felt like all the blood had drained away from her head. It probably had. Her body wasn’t used to being upright anymore and it was almost disconcerting.

“Doctor do you need to sit down?”

“Hmmm… may…”

“Doctor? Doctor! Can you hear me?” someone was tapping her cheek incessantly.

She blinked and opened her eye in confusion, noting Graham and Ryan’s anxious faces hovering above her own. She was aware that she was lying flat on her back on the floor and her feet, the real one and the plastic one, were propped up on her wheelchair.

“I think you fainted Doctor” said Ryan looking concerned.

“Your blood pressure must have bottomed out love, you went white as a sheet and then you were just down.”

“I'm okay.” She reassured them, and she was. She struggled to sit up and took Graham’s offered hand and pulled herself all the way up.

“Do you need, like, sugar or something?”

“I'm not diabetic Ryan, I just haven’t stood for a long time.” But she accepted the handful of jelly babies he offered her anyway.

“I used to love these” she said conversationally, shoving two in her mouth.

“Different face?” asked Ryan, trying to remember her ever eating them.

“My fourth one, the one with the scarf” she clarified.

“Right, help me up” she said, dusting icing sugar off her fingers.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea Doc?” asked Graham looking concerned.

“One more try? Maybe a bit more slowly this time?”

Graham and Ryan shared a look.

“One more time” Ryan agreed. He lifted her as far as her chair first, giving her head a second to catch up to where she was before once again raising her, slowly this time, to a standing position.

Ryan was aware that the Doctor wasn’t supporting any of her own weight but she felt much more stable this time. She had her arms strongly wrapped around his, keeping herself upright and they were able to move in a sort of variance of a slow dance until the Doctor admitted defeat and allowed Ryan and Graham to lower her into her waiting wheelchair.

They put the remainder of their time in the studio to good use, taking it in turns to dance around the floor and teaching the Doctor how to make her chair work for her. She had a lot more fun than she expected and by the end she was exhausted, but in a good way, and more relaxed than she’d felt in days.

“Do you mind if we stop at the shops on the way home?” she asked Graham as she transferred into his car with just Ryan’s hand on her back for support.

“Not at all, what do you need?”

“Want to make Yaz something nice for dinner, she deserves a break. Will you help me?”

“Course I will cockle, all you gotta do is ask.”

Ryan sat in the car, not particularly interested in a trip to Tesco, while Graham and the Doctor went inside and Graham helped her choose lemons, garlic, chicken thighs, potatoes, herbs and two ready made chocolate fondants she knew Yaz loved but never indulged in.

Back at the house, the Doctor was glad to be able to pitch in again in the kitchen. She couldn’t do a huge amount but she could do a little. Graham trimmed the chicken thighs but the Doctor was able to juice the lemons and use her adapted knife to sort the garlic and herbs. They put it all in the slow cooker and made a tray of spiced paprika wedges to go with it. Graham promised that the slow cooker chicken would be fine to eat no matter what time Yaz got home if she kept it on low and the wedges and vegetables would only need heating through.

When Yaz got home shortly before eight she was surprised to see Ryan sitting on her sofa, playing with his phone. The Doctor was sound asleep on the sofa.

“Why is she sleeping?” Yaz whispered, looking at her worriedly.

“What do you mean, she's always sleeping.”

“She slept for hours this morning, she should be fine. Has she had a seizure of any signs of one?” she asked, fussing over the Doctor and feeling her forehead to see if she was warm. She wasn’t.

“No, she’s been fine all day.”

“What have you two been doing, I thought you were doing some of your stuff for work.”

Ryan instantly looked guilty.

“Ryan, what have the two of you been up to?” Yaz asked.

She actually looked intimidating and Ryan realised with a jolt he was staring down PC Khan who still had her handcuffs on her belt. He gulped nervously, thinking rapidly.

“We went to the park with Tibo and Ethan and some of my mates and played basketball” he improvised wildly.

“You what? You let her play sport with your idiot mates and balls flying round that could have hit her in the head? Are you nuts?”

“She’s fine Yaz. Nothing went wrong.” He neglected to mention the fainting incident, she had been fine afterwards.

He dragged her into the kitchen, subtly turning the oven on behind him, and filled her in on how the last two days.

“Thanks for telling me, I knew she struggled but I didn’t realise how bad it was.” Yaz said softly, perched on the bar stool.

“She did better yesterday afternoon” Ryan offered.

“Yeah but I think we might need to do something so she can rely on people other than me. My work has been nothing but flexible and accommodating for two years, but I can’t expect it to last forever. I think it would have gone better if I had been able to prepare her for it and she had been staying here but Ryan… they had our address in evidence along with a whole load of others, some victims and some not. Until this asshole is behind bars, I couldn’t possibly have let her stay here. It wasn’t safe.”

“Yaz, you don’t have to justify yourself to me… do you want me to stay here tonight? I'm going out with Sonya in a bit but I can cancel or come back later?”

“Thanks Ryan but we’ll be fine. I’ll be triple checking the alarm. I probably shouldn’t be telling you this but they’re tailing a suspect tonight. I don’t think we’re in any danger… I'm gonna go take a shower.”

Ryan watched her go, anxious about leaving them. But he trusted Yaz to make a sensible decision, she would never do anything that might possibly put the Doctor in danger.

She disappeared up the stairs and Ryan waited until she was gone before waking the Doctor.

She woke more easily than normal and managed to drag herself into a sitting position.

“I'm away” he said quietly. “Yaz is home, I put the oven on so dinner will be ready for the two of you in half an hour. Enjoy!.. Oh by the way I told her we were playing basketball earlier which is why you’re tired.”

Ryan left, taking care to lock the door behind him and the Doctor transferred back into her wheelchair, collecting plates and cups from the draining rack where Yaz always kept a few so she could reach them without having to ask for help. 

By the time Yaz reappeared downstairs the table was set and there were drinks for both of them. The Doctor drew the line at lifting the heavy tray out of the oven, that would be a recipe for disaster, but she turned it off using the switch on the radio when the wedges looked cooked.

Yaz appeared behind her suddenly, making her jump.

“Thanks for setting the table.” She said, greeting the Doctor with a kiss.

“I made dinner too… well Graham helped.”

“Oh my God you're amazing!” Yaz said delightedly, sniffing the contents of the oven appreciatively and quickly serving dinner.

“So I’m not working the next three days” Yaz reminded the Doctor as they sat together at the table. “I was wondering, do you want to go and see the university you used to work at? We could stay overnight, see if you can get those photographs… you could give me the grand tour and show me where you used to work!”

“When, tomorrow?”

“I was thinking Thursday and Friday, we have to go see Nani tomorrow morning so she can measure us for the alterations.”

“Oh yeah, forgot about that.”

“Can you come up with something to make the psychic paper say you're your own next of kin?”

“Yeah should be able to, I’ll say I'm my own nephew.”

“Uhh Doctor…?”

“What?”

“Nephew…?”

“God I wasn’t that old! Why did everyone say I was old? Even got called a grandad a couple of times! I could totally be his nephew!”

“First off, I’ve never seen a picture, though now I really want to, so I can't possibly comment. Second, you are a grandfather. Third… you really not seeing the problem with being your own _nephew_?”

“No. What…. Oh! Niece!”

“There we go” Yaz giggled. “Every time!”

The two women did the dishes together and then settled on the sofa with their chocolate desserts and Celebrity Masterchef.

“Am I supposed to know who these people are?” asked the Doctor after a while as she watched a contestant cook an oven timer accidentally.

“Dunno. I’ve lived in this century my entire life and I don’t recognise any of them.”

“Graham could totally win Masterchef.”

“Maybe we should enter him, he’d probably spontaneously combust” Yaz laughed.

She licked the last of her chocolate pudding from her spoon and helped the Doctor unstrap her own spoon from her hand before picking up the pile of post from the table.

She flicked through the first few quickly, a bank statement, the bill for the internet, junk. She didn’t recognise the last envelope and she slid it open as the contestants started cooking their signature dishes.

“Yaz what’s the matter?” the Doctor asked, realising that her girlfriend had gone silent a few minutes ago and was holding the letter with trembling hands.

“Yaz?”

“I'm being evicted.” She whispered, as if saying it out loud would make it truer.

“What! Why?”

“I suppose evicted is the wrong word. My contract is up in six weeks and the landlord wants to sell so we have to leave.”

“Is there anything we can do?”

“I don’t think so. The contract is up, they’re simply choosing not to renew it.”

“We’ll think of something Yaz, we’ll find somewhere else to go.”

“How? I can't afford a deposit!” she sounded vaguely hysterical. “They usually want six weeks deposit and a months rent up front.”

“I wish I could help” the Doctor said guiltily. She had almost no funds of her own.

“This isn’t your fault, I’d be in this situation whether or not you were here.”

“Yaz we’re not going to be homeless okay, something will turn up, it always does. You're exhausted love, that’s why you’re so upset. Let’s take your laptop upstairs and watch this in bed yeah?”

Yaz sniffed and buried her head in the Doctor’s shoulder.

“Thank-you” she whispered.


	73. Chapter 73

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place in the ten week time jump between chapter 62 and 63. Just to remind you, this is shortly after their day at the beach. The Doctor is still highly physically dependent on her friends, using the massive wheelchair they nicknamed the Beast. She has no ability to do bigger skills such as transfers and is still working on smaller stuff like being able to feed herself.
> 
> (This isn't proof read, so sorry).
> 
> This has been written as a birthday gift for Toolazytocomeupwithaname who wanted to explore the seven seizures in two days. Hope this lives up to your expectations! Happy Birthday XXX

Please read the notes, they explain everything!

Ryan grabbed a tissue from the box on the bedside table and wiped the Doctor’s mouth for her from where she had been dribbling in her sleep again. She blushed slightly under his touch, ashamed that she needed such basic help. She was lying in bed, propped on her side with mounds of pillows and wearing an old pair of joggers and a comically too big jumper that belonged to Yaz. Comfortable, easy for Yaz to force her body into and easy to sit in all day and not cause pressure sores.

Yaz was at work, her first day as a sergeant and Ryan was babysitting her. Her friends didn’t call it that, but that’s what it was. So far today she had managed to feed herself lunch while only dumping half of it down herself, spent an hour talking to Ryan about engineering and had then been so tired she had needed a four hour nap if the clock on the bedside table was anything to go by.

Ryan had clearly been watching her sleep. He was set up with his laptop and a textbook that his university had recommended.

“Do you wanna get up and sit in your chair or stay here?” he asked her casually.

The Doctor considered. She was in a lot of pain and didn’t want to be touched but on the other hand, the pain was worst in her head and if she was sitting upright in her wheelchair the headache would lessen. Probably. Hopefully.

“Downstairs” she said finally. “Please.”

Ryan looked at her with concern. “You’re slurring, you feel alright?”

“Headache, I'm okay, just need to sit up.”

Her arm jerked and she couldn’t help but let out a small moan.

“You sure?” he asked.

She nodded, biting her lip.

Ryan untucked her from the duvet and moved the pillows that were holding her on her side before carefully scooping her up into his arms as gently as he could. No matter how many times he lifted her, he was always shocked at how light and fragile she had become, he could feel every bone jutting through her skin despite the thick jumper she was wearing and she was no more difficult to lift than his seven year old cousin who always demanded piggy backs around the garden.

Ryan went to adjust his hold of her to make her more secure but before he could manage it the Doctor’s body was wracked by a violent spasm that travelled the whole way up her left side, causing her to buck in his arms. He tried to hold onto her but before he knew what was happening, she was tumbling out of his arms and before he could do anything she had landed on the floor with a sickening crack as something inside of her snapped.

Ryan dropped to his knees beside her, already pulling out his phone. “Doctor, oh my God I'm so sorry. Are you hurt? Oh my god.”

The Doctor had gone as white as a sheet and was breathing rapidly. Ryan’s hand hovered over her back as if he wanted to rest it there for reassurance but was worried about touching her again as he phoned Yaz and was almost shouting down the phone at her.

The buzzing in her brain was really loud and the Doctor couldn’t hear over it to work out what Yaz was saying, or really what Ryan was saying right next to her but she was aware that Ryan had wrapped a blanket over her and was now holding her head.

“What’re you doing?” she slurred, blinking at him in confusion.

“Yaz told me to. She's on her way.”

“I'm fine Ryan, stop looking like you killed my cat.”

“I didn’t kill your cat, I broke Yaz’s girlfriend.”

“I'm already broken, not like you can do much more damage at this point.”

“I dropped you!” he looked like he was going to cry.

“Wasn’t your fault. I spasmed at the wrong moment.”

“It was my job to keep you safe. You don’t look very safe now.”

“I'm fine Ryan, promise.”

At that moment they heard the front door bang and the sound of Yaz’s footsteps running up the stairs. She dropped to her knees beside the Doctor.

“I'm fine Yaz” she said before Yaz could say anything.

Yaz bent over and kissed her cheek. “Let me check anyway yeah, just humour me.”

“Not like I could stop you anyway” she grumbled.

Yaz ignored her complaints and turned to Ryan, quizzing him on what had happened, how far she had fallen, had she hit her head? Lost consciousness? Been sick? and a few more besides, not trusting the Doctor to be truthful. Finally satisfied, Yaz took hold of the Doctor, supporting her neck and shoulders while Ryan took hold of her under her legs and they lifted her onto the bed in one smooth movement.

“Your hand is at a funny angle” Yaz said critically, eyeing the way it had fallen.

“Well I'm sorry Yaz, but I can't really control it… OW!”

Yaz had lifted her arm from the bed and it sent a wave of pain coursing through her body. She noticed her hand was already turning purple with bruising blossoming across it, standing out vividly against her pale skin.

“Think you might have broken your wrist love” said Yaz softly, examining her girlfriends hand and arm critically.

“Fantastic” the Doctor muttered.

Yaz gently laid her hand back down on a pillow in a carefully neutral position and pulled out her phone, tapping it rapidly before handing it to Ryan.

“Go to Boots and pick up one of these, this exact model. It says they have them in stock. Extra small, right wrist.” She said to Ryan, handing over her phone.

He looked relieved to have something to do and hurried down the stairs, jangling his keys as he went.

“I’m just gonna change” Yaz announced, wandering over to the wardrobe and pulling out a pair of worn, comfy jeans and a lightweight jumper instead of her stiff work trousers and shirt.

“So what do you wanna do for dinner tonight?” Yaz asked, her back to her girlfriend as she pulled her trousers off.

“Doctor?... Doctor!”

Yaz spun round, the Doctor was having a seizure, letting out the horrendous choking sounds as though she were being strangled. Ignoring her broken wrist, Yaz grabbed hold of her by the shoulder and hip and rolled her firmly onto her side to stop her choking.

“You’re okay love” Yaz soothed. “You’re safe in our bedroom I promise.”

Yaz stole another glance at her watch, going on three minutes.

“I know you’re probably feeling frightened right now Doctor but I’m right here beside you, I’ve got you. I love you.”

She was thoroughly relieved when she heard Ryan’s clumsy footsteps on the stairs again.

“What happened?” he asked, taking in the scene in front of him as Yaz gently eased the Doctor onto her back.

“Seizure, went on for nearly six minutes” Yaz said shortly, dampening a facecloth in the bathroom and using it to wipe the Doctor’s face for her.

“She’s postictal now, this’ll probably be her for the night but I’ll try and wake her up later to get her to eat something.”

Ryan realised she was talking more to herself than she was to him and he handed over the bag with the wrist brace.

“Why couldn’t you just use her night splint?” he asked.

“Her night splints are soft and only designed to support her hand and fingers into a neutral position while she sleeps. This one is rigid and will protect the broken bone while it heals.” She said distractedly as she carefully eased the Doctor’s broken wrist into it and fastened it tightly. “It probably wouldn’t be enough if she was doing more for herself or wheeling her chair around or something but it’s not like she uses her hands much anyway so it should be okay.”

Yaz set up the monitor on the beside table. “Come on, lets leave her to sleep for a bit” she said sadly, kissing the Doctor lightly before tiptoeing onto the landing and down the stairs.

“Why did she have a seizure? She was fine.” Ryan asked. He sounded worried, vaguely on the edge of hysterical.

Yaz shrugged. “She had brain damage, it happens. She probably has some form of epilepsy now or something. Could have been the pain from her wrist or something, tipped her over the edge.”

“She said she couldn’t feel it.”

“That’s why we have to be so careful with her. Just because she can’t feel an area that might be hurting, doesn’t mean the pain doesn’t matter. It doesn’t take much to set her brain off on one.”

“Yaz I’m so sorry.”

“It weren’t your fault Ryan.”

“I were carrying her though.”

“Yeah but we both do it, we don’t have a choice unless she wants to languish in bed for the next goodness knows how long. It just happened.”

Yaz set the monitor up on the kitchen bench as she started pulling vegetables out of the fridge to prepare for dinner.

“Yaz!” Ryan shouted, pointing at it and already taking off upstairs.

Yaz followed, the Doctor was having another seizure, louder and more dramatic than the first.

“Why’s she having another one?” Ryan asked, looking vaguely terrified.

“I don’t know, she doesn’t normally have clusters” Yaz grunted, struggling to hold the Doctor onto her side.

“Clusters?”

“Groups of seizures. Some people are really prone, if they have one, they’ll have several but she’s never had more than one at a time.”

Ryan looked sick as he stood there, wringing his hands uselessly, watching Yaz try and provide her girlfriend with some comfort as her body betrayed her once again.

“Ryan, go and get some clean bedsheets will you? And a mattress protector?” Yaz asked, moving a strand of hair away from the Doctor’s nose.

The second seizure was shorter, coming in at just over four minutes, but it was still a mammoth toll on her body.

“Doctor can you hear me?” Yaz called lightly as the seizure stopped.

The Doctor opened her eye and looked around the room, not taking anything in.

“Doctor? Focus on me okay?” Yaz said, more insistent this time.

The Doctor’s eye settled on Yaz but she wasn’t taking anything in.

She grinned in a bemused kind of way and a small bubble of saliva popped above her lip.

Yaz put the back of her hand to the Doctor’s forehead. She was a little warm and slightly clammy but Yaz wasn’t sure if that was because of the seizure or if she was sickening for something. There wouldn’t be much point in trying to get sense out of her now, she was already falling asleep.

“Hey, I'm going to change the bed sheets and put you in clean pyjamas okay?”

The Doctor blinked at her exhaustedly.

Together Yaz and Ryan changed the bed sheets for fresh ones while the Doctor was asleep, rolling her from one side to the other to get the sheet underneath her and change her clothes for clean pyjamas.

“Your Nan would be proud of you for doing this Ryan.”

“Me nan would think I’d had a brain transplant” he laughed, but it sounded forced. “She was always telling me to do more round the house.”

“You were a teenage boy Ryan, think they’re all disgusting and lazy.”

“Hey!” he protested.

“At least you grew out of it! I had to show the Doctor how to use a hoover, the TARDIS spoiled her.”

Ryan laughed. “Are you going to sit up here in case she has another one.”

“No I’ll give her some peace, I have the monitor on and I need to make dinner. I don’t think she’ll have another one.”

Famous last words Yaz thought a couple of hours later. It was shortly after midnight and she had woken suddenly when the Doctor had started having her third seizure of the night. In the intervening hours they had managed to get the Doctor to wake long enough to eat a bowl of soup which Yaz had had to feed her but she had passed out with exhaustion soon after.

Ryan appeared from nowhere, yawning and dragging the airbed and blankets he had been using behind him like a sleepy toddler with his teddy bear.

“Want me to stay up here tonight?” he offered.

“Do you mind?” Yaz asked apologetically.

“Not at all. What can I do?”

“Oxygen” Yaz said with a sigh. “She’s going blue around her lips and fingers again.”

Neither of them got much sleep that night. By the time the watery sun light began to come through the window the Doctor had had three more seizures, all more than seven minutes long and bringing her grand total up to six in less than twelve hours. Yaz had her propped up in bed with cushions and a high dose of oxygen to help ease the slight wheeze that had developed in her chest again.

Shortly after seven, Graham arrived having just finished a night shift.

“How’s she doing?” he asked quietly, not wanting to disturb the Doctor. Whether she was sleeping peacefully or was unconscious he couldn’t tell but judging by the haggard appearance of his other two grandkids, it was the latter.

“Not good” Yaz answered finally. She’s had six seizures now, but I don’t know why.”

“This is all my fault” Ryan said, he looked incredibly guilty.

“It’s not your fault Ryan.”

“I dropped her.”

“She didn’t hit her head though. I checked. There were no bumps or bruises or blood and she even said she didn’t hit it.”

“You said it could have been a pain response, I broke her damn wrist!”

“Her wrist shouldn’t be causing this much pain.”

“I dropped her Yaz! She trusted me to keep her safe and I dropped her on the floor.” Ryan looked like he was going to cry and Yaz hugged him tightly, but she was still surprised when he buried his face in her shoulder and let out a low sob.

“Not your fault Ryan” came a low murmur.

“Doctor! How are you feeling?” asked Yaz, her voice soft and gentle as she took the Doctor’s hand, stroking it lightly with her thumb.

“Like there’s a marching band in my skull.” She said truthfully. “Can we turn out the lights?”

Ryan got up and flicked them off, turning on the bedside lamp instead, casting the room into a warm, soft glow.

“What do you need?” Yaz asked her.

“Thirsty” she mumbled, she was losing consciousness again.

Graham immediately went downstairs to get her a drink and Yaz shook her shoulder. “Stay awake for me for a few more minutes okay? We’ll get you something to drink.”

“Mmm…. Kay” she mumbled drunkenly.

“Doctor” Yaz shook her shoulder harder and spoke more firmly this time. “Stay awake for me.”

She looked so lost and confused that Yaz’s heart just went out to her. “Just long enough for us to get you something to drink alright love?”

“Yaz… hurts.” The Doctor said. Her words were running into each other and Yaz struggled to understand her.

“Where hurts Doctor? Your wrist? Your head? Somewhere else?”

“Hurts” she moaned shaking her head.

“I know love” Yaz soothed, cooling her face with a damp cloth that Ryan brought in and trying to get her to drink some of her favourite orange and mango juice.

But she was gone again and less than thirty seconds later she was seizing again.

Yaz couldn’t help it, she found there were tears rolling down her face as she once again tried to soothe the Doctor, talking to her gently and stroking her hair as her body jerked and shook under Yaz’s hands.

She raised her eyes to look at the boys but there was no judgement from either of them and Graham put a comforting hand on her shoulder, quietly providing his support.

“She said she’s in pain. Is it possible she’s in pain from somewhere else?” Graham suggested.

“Possible, I don’t know how I wouldn’t have seen it though. I literally dress her. But I’ll check to be sure.”

The Doctor’s body was stilling under her hands.

Under Yaz’s bidding, Ryan came and sat in front of the Doctor and he and Yaz sat her unconscious form up, propped against him. Yaz once again checked her head for signs of damage and then lifted her top to check there as well. But there were no new marks and nothing that looked like it might be causing her more pain than normal.

Graham and Ryan averted their eyes as Yaz lifted the front of her top and finally relieved her of her trousers. She needed clean ones now anyway.

“Wait Yaz, just there…” Ryan said suddenly as Yaz pulled a clean pair of pyjamas onto her and they changed the sheets for the seventh time. It was Yaz’s last set.

“What, it’s just scar tissue isn’t it? She’s always scarred there.” He was indicating a spot on the Doctor’s hip bone.

“I know she does but look closely… it looks redder than anywhere else.”

Yaz moved round to the Doctor’s other side. Sure enough there was a pressure sore. It was small but deep.

“She must have had her clothes or something rubbing at her in her chair.” Yaz said softly, relieved to have hopefully found the source of the problem.

“What do we do about it?”

“Clean it out. She can be thankful she’s unconscious for this.” Yaz said grimly. She went into the bathroom and washed her hands thoroughly and brought back in the first aid kit.

Yaz snapped on a pair of sterile gloves and while Ryan held her onto her side, Yaz started by washing the whole area with warm water. Then came the disgusting part as she used antiseptic gel, gauze pads and cotton buds to clean out the small but deep wound. The Doctor was more conscious than she appeared and she moaned under Yaz’s touch.

“I’m sorry love, I’m sorry” Yaz repeated as she tried to clean it out. But there was a lot of pus, it was badly infected already.

“How did I miss this? I’m so sorry love.” Yaz apologised for the tenth time as the Doctor let out a pained cry. “I’m nearly done.”

“Yaz you’re juggling a thousand things to care for her, she’ll be fine. It’s basically impossible to avoid pressure sores for people who’re immobile, you know that. Had a couple myself when I was going through chemo and that was with Grace looking after me.”

Yaz finally finished what she was doing and she dressed the sore carefully, covering it with a bandage and taping it down firmly. She helped Ryan secure the Doctor on her side so the sore wasn’t anywhere near the bed and got rid of the used supplies.

“Right” said Graham as Yaz came back in. “We all need some sleep and then I’ll make some fried egg sandwiches for lunch. Sound good?”

“Sounds great” the Doctor murmured sleepily.


	74. Chapter 74

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter follows directly on from the events of Chapter 72. If it gets confusing, drop me a message and I'll explain where we're at! Hope you enjoy!

“Can you stand at all at the moment love?” asked Umbreen gently. Yaz and the Doctor were in her comfortable, cosy bungalow to get their shalwars pinned by Najia so Umbreen could work her magic and make them fit perfectly. 

“No… maybe for a minute or two if Yaz helps but not on my own.” She said regretfully. “Do you need me upright?”

“It would be helpful.” Najia admitted.

“We can try, but no promises.” She said nervously, vividly remembering fainting like a lady in a Victorian novel the last time she had been upright.

“Do you need me to stand in front or behind her?” Yaz asked her mum.

“Both?”

“Then which one first because once we’re up I won’t be able to move.”

“In front first.”

Yaz nodded and stood in front of the Doctor, the Doctor wrapped her arms around Yaz’s shoulders and Yaz wrapped hers around the Doctor’s waist.

“Ready… 1, 2, 3 and up.”

Yaz did almost all of the work as she pulled the Doctor upright, bracing the Doctor’s knee with her own so it couldn’t buckle underneath her.

“I’m going to have to move your wheelchair Doctor so don’t sit down suddenly.” Najia said from behind her, her voice slightly muffled from having her mouth full of pins. 

“You okay?” Yaz asked quietly in her girlfriends’ ear.

“Mm-hmm” she answered, concentrating too hard on not collapsing to the floor to answer anymore.

“Let me know if you need to sit.”

“Sorry! Sorry!” came Najia’s voice from behind them.

“What’s happened?” asked Yaz.

“Stabbed the Doctor with a pin.”

“Can’t feel.” The Doctor muttered.

“Sorry, what was that?” Najia asked from the floor.

The Doctor looked at Yaz who got the message and filled in, letting the Doctor keep her concentration on what she was doing. “She said she can't feel it. She doesn’t have a huge amount of sensation below her ribcage. What there is is pretty patchy, she’s more likely to feel it if she can see it.”

“Okay… well I’ll still try to refrain from doing it again.”

“You’re doing really well” Yaz said softly, impressed with the Doctor’s stamina. She had been up for a good three minutes and although Yaz was doing most of the work, she was relatively stable.

She managed nearly another two before Yaz could feel the Doctor’s knee threatening to give way underneath her and she tightened her own grip around the Doctor’s waist and back.

“Mum I think the Doctor needs her wheelchair back.” Yaz warned.

“Coming… coming…” Najia fussed with two more pins before moving out of the way and grabbing the Doctor’s chair for her. “Okay you can sit now.”

Yaz lowered the Doctor down, just catching her when she realised her mum hadn’t put the brakes on and stumbling a bit as she struggled to regain her footing without dropping her girlfriend on the floor in the process.

“Sorry” Najia gasped. “I didn’t think”. She grabbed the chair and held it stable as Yaz helped the Doctor into it. The Doctor sagged against Yaz as soon as she was safe, panting with the effort of standing for so long.

“I’m fine Najia” she said breathlessly a minute later, sitting up a little straighter. “Think I need a break before the next one though.”

“Are you sure you’re okay to go again?” asked Najia in concern, slightly disturbed by how much standing, even while fully supported, seemed to have taken out of her.

“I’m fine” she repeated, in a voice that bore no room for argument, and Najia wisely dropped it.

“Okay, I’m ready” she said a few minutes later. Yaz moved to her side and wrapped her arm around her waist again, hauling the Doctor to her foot. Yaz adjusted her stance slightly once the Doctor was standing so she was directly behind her and had one arm around her waist and the other around her chest. She took a small step back so the Doctor was leaning against her more. She was considerably less stable this way, her arms dangling uselessly by her side and there was no way to brace her knee to stop it going out from under her.

The Doctor dropped her head back onto Yaz’s shoulder, closing her eye and breathing through the discomfort.

“I’ve got you” Yaz said quietly. “Do you need to sit?”

“Maybe another minute.”

“Okay… did you hear that mum?”

“Going as quick as I can.”

“Mum I think we’re done here.” Yaz said a minute later. The Doctor’s face was shining with sweat and she was breathing heavily again. Under Yaz’s direction, Najia supported the Doctor under one arm, allowing Yaz to keep hold of the other but move to her side instead of directly behind her and they carefully lowered her into the wheelchair together.

She was leaning heavily against Yaz while she caught her breath. Her leg began to cramp, a fabulous new symptom, and she bit her lip, breathing through the pain. Yaz held her hand and she squeezed it tightly.

“Can I help?” Yaz asked quietly in her ear.

“No, not with pins in my trousers” she huffed, relaxing slightly as the pain hit a crescendo and began to subside. She sat up straight and gingerly moved herself back to sit properly in her chair, mindful of all the pins in her leg.

“Can I pin the shalwar now?” asked Najia.

“Go for it. I'm fine.”

Yaz supported her arms to hold them stretched out while Najia got in close with her pins. Yaz wanted to giggle as Umbreen corrected nearly every pin that her mum put in, chastising her and wondering how on earth she was supposed to adjust the Doctor’s trousers with Najia’s shoddy pinning.

“Doctor! What happened to your back?” Najia gasped as she adjusted the fabric of the shalwar and came across the area she had hurt the day before.

“Took a slight spill” she replied, her eye twinkling a little, she was very proud of how she had managed to get herself up the stairs.

“A slight spill?” Yaz snorted. “You threw yourself down the stairs.”

“Hey!” she complained indignantly. “I didn’t throw myself anywhere, it was an accident, and it was only half the stairs!”

Finally, the process was completed to Umbreen’s satisfaction. The Doctor couldn’t ever remember being quite so fussed over and that included all the fussing Yaz had done over her in the last few months.

“I think we all need a cup of tea” announced Umbreen, hobbling towards the kitchen with her stick to put the kettle on while Najia started picking up pins.

“Come on, I’ll help you get changed without having you end up like a pincushion.” Yaz said to the Doctor and they went back down the hallway to her Nani’s bedroom. She had gone first and was already back in her jeans and a jumper, having wanted the Doctor to see what it was like before having someone poking and prodding her like that. Considering how badly the few days staying at Ryan’s had gone, Yaz was amazed she had tolerated at all. Not only that, she sill seemed reasonably calm. But then, circumstances were different. She was here to support her, the Doctor hadn't had to undress in front of anyone, she wasn’t worrying.

When the Doctor had changed back into her normal clothes she carefully laid the shalwar on the bed beside Yaz’s where they had been asked to leave them and they headed back down to the kitchen where Umbreen had made them both cups of tea, the Doctor’s in her travel mug, and had produced home made scones and spiced apple cakes.

They hadn't expected to be fed so the Doctor didn’t have her adapted cutlery with her and Yaz sliced and jammed her scone for her though neither Najia or Umbreen passed comment.

“So what are you girls up to at the moment?” Umbreen asked, her eyes twinkling. It was why Yaz loved spending time with her Nani, she was always genuinely interested in the lives of her grandchildren and making sure they were happy.

“Going down to Bristol for the night.” Yaz said, her mouth full of soft, warm scone and sweet, sticky raspberry jam.

“What’s in Bristol?”

“It’s where I used to work” the Doctor answered to Yaz’s surprise. “Thought I’d give Yaz the grand tour.”

“What did you do?”

“I was a lecturer in astrophysics and general sciences in St Luke’s. It was where I went when I left care and lived there until…. Well now.”

“Why did you move to Sheffield?”

“It wasn’t really a conscious decision… when I was… found…” she felt Yaz take her hand and squeeze it reassuringly, encouragingly. “I was near Sheffield and I was brought to hospital here. I was too unstable to transfer and then they decided to keep me here because Yaz was here. At the time, I couldn’t really communicate or think properly. I was gone for so long the university thought I’d died and I'm not sure anyone ever really told them I didn’t.”

“Well I'm sure that’ll be lovely” said Umbreen, patting the Doctor’s hand consolingly, noticing that she looked upset.

“Remind me what time our appointment is?” Yaz asked the Doctor as they were on the train to Bristol the next day.

“Half four. We’re meeting my old head of department, Professor Davey.”

“What’s he like?”

“She. She was never my biggest fan.”

“Why?”

“Something about not always sticking to the subject that I was supposed to be teaching” the Doctor admitted and Yaz laughed.

“That doesn’t surprise me in the slightest somehow.”

“I was a great lecturer!”

“I'm not doubting that, you’re a great teacher, but you’re also excellent at rambling. What made you get a job in the first place?”

“There was a vault. I was guarding it.”

“What was in the vault?”

The Doctor looked out the window, suddenly looking sad. Yaz took her hand. “What is it?”

When she spoke again, her voice was shaking slightly. “You remember the Master?” she asked finally.

“How could I forget?” Yaz said with a shudder.

“He’s like me, he can change his face. Before he was the man you met, he was a woman, she went by Missy.”

“Were you two… together?”

“What? No, of course not. Missy had done something. I was supposed to execute her but I couldn’t. We grew up together… I just couldn’t bring myself to…”

“Of course you couldn’t. I understand.” Yaz said gently and the Doctor flashed her a small smile that didn’t reach her eye.

“So I locked her in the vault to give her the chance to turn good. It didn’t… well you saw. She got my friend Bill killed.” The Doctor choked out. Yaz rummaged in her bag and handed the Doctor a tissue.

“Are you sure you wanna go back here Doctor?”

“I can do this.”

“Tell me if it’s too much.”

“I’ll be fine Yaz. Promise.”

An hour later Yaz was following the Doctor across the campus of St Luke’s University.

“I never noticed how hilly Bristol was before. Was it always?” she puffed as they went up a ramp towards the main building. “What is it with me and hills?”

“You never noticed because they didn’t bother you. Pretty sure the hills haven’t just been put in because you're arriving in a chair this time.”

“Pretty sure they have.” She muttered which Yaz ignored, choosing to change the subject instead.

“Do you know where this woman’s office is?”

“Yeah, she got my old office. She always wanted it while I was here, I had one of the original offices from when the place was first built. The rest of them were all used by heads of department but I had been here so long… she kept dropping hints for me to retire.”

“What did you tell her had happened to you?”

“Car wreck, neither of us had ID. He died and I couldn’t tell anyone who I was. Also explains why I look like this and I have a death certificate, a letter from a lawyer to prove next of kin and a driving licence set up on the psychic paper.”

They arrived at the office and the Doctor knocked.

“Bit weird to knock on my own office door.” She remarked.

“Not your office anymore, remember?” Yaz pointed out, indicating the small plaque on the door. _Professor J. Davey, PHD, MSC, BSC_

The door swung open by a woman with short blonde hair, very similar to how the Doctor had once worn hers. She was younger than Yaz had expected, wearing a posh grey suit on a tall, thin frame.

“Professor Davey?” Yaz confirmed, holding out a hand when the Doctor seemed frozen to the spot.

“Yes, are you Doctor Smith?”

“No, Yasmin Khan, this is Doctor Smith.” She replied with a small smile. Professor Davey offered her hand to the Doctor who looked too overwhelmed to take it and the Professor let her hand drop back by her side, looking confused.

“Well, come in.” she offered, stepping back to welcome them in.

The Doctor remained rooted to the spot and Yaz gave her a small nudge to get her to move, following her into the large, impressive office.

Professor Davey sat down behind an imposing wooden desk and Yaz sat at one of the chairs opposite, for all the world feeling like a school girl in her head teachers office about to receive a telling off.

“So why exactly are you here Doctor Smith, your uncle passed away some time ago.”

“I have a brain injury from the same accident that killed my uncle. It was a long time before I was able to communicate properly and sort things in my head about who I was.” The Doctor said, finally animating enough to speak for herself.

“And Miss Khan, who are you exactly? A caregiver? Family friend?”

“Girlfriend actually.” Yaz retorted, offended.

“And how long have you two been dating?”

“I don’t see how that’s any business of yours.”

“It is my business because I have hold of Dr Smith’s possessions, some of which are… valuable. If this Doctor Smith does indeed have a brain injury, how do I know you’re not taking advantage of her for your own financial gain.”

“Because Yaz would never do that and we’ve been together for a very long time, much longer than my… accident thank you very much” the Doctor replied coldly.

“I see. I assume you brought the paperwork to prove you are who you say you are?”

The Doctor handed over the psychic paper and presumably it showed Professor Davey what she wanted to see because she nodded as she read them.

“Your uncle didn’t leave much, we were never entirely sure where he lived so we only have possession of what was in his office. It has been in storage since he went missing, we weren’t able to get rid of it without a valid death certificate but now that you’re here you’re welcome to it.”

“Where is it?”

“I’ll take you now, it’s in one of the old vaults under this building. They were used as air raid shelters in the second world war.”

“Is that where…?” Yaz whispered and the Doctor nodded in response. The vaults, where Missy had been living. How perfectly fitting.

Professor Davey led them out of the main building and onto the gravelled path that made up the outside of the building. It didn’t make easy going for the Doctor’s chair, her front castors kept getting caught in the small pebbles and she tipped herself into a wheelie and allowed Yaz to push her. They stopped a few minutes later at an iron gate above a staircase, set into the deep stone walls.

“You didn’t think to mention the stairs before now?” Yaz asked with raised eyebrows.

Professor Davey went beetroot. “I'm so sorry” she stuttered. “I didn’t think. Can you…?”

Her unanswered question hovered awkwardly between them.

“No.” Standing while Yaz held all her weight for a couple of minutes was one thing, walking down what she knew to be three flights of twisting, uneven concrete steps was totally unmanageable. And when she and Yaz had done physiotherapy that morning, before they had caught their train, her leg had refused to move anyway.

“I can help you” Yaz offered and Professor Davey looked relieved and unlocked the gate.

Yaz picked the Doctor up piggy back style, it was much easier and safer when she was strong enough to hold on.

“Can you take Jane’s chair down?” Yaz asked, already moving towards the stairs.

“Oh… ummm…. Yeah, sure.” Professor Davey went red again and picked up the Doctor’s wheelchair gingerly.

“You can't catch brain damage you know” the Doctor said icily. “You’re not going to lose your ability to walk just because you touch my wheelchair.”

“I… no of course not.” She picked up the chair properly and followed Yaz down the steps.

When they reached the bottom of the stairs Yaz deposited the Doctor back in her chair where she settled herself in properly and followed Professor Davey to what she knew to be one of the smaller vaults, which she had unlocked with two separate keys.

“There’s a fair bit of stuff here, you might need to have a courier take it or if you don’t want it, arrange for a charity to collect it. I'm working till seven, I’ll check on you before I leave, you know where my office is if you need anything.”

“Thank-you” said Yaz politely, the Doctor already rolling over to investigate some of the boxes.

Professor Davey paused, half way out of the door. “Can I just say, you look just like your aunt Doctor Smith, I’m sure you hear that all the time.”

“My aunt?” she asked, distracted from what she was doing.

“The picture on your uncle’s desk, it was of his wife wasn’t it?”

The Doctor stilled.

“The pictures from the desk are in that top box, I packed up your uncle’s desk myself.”

“Thank-you” the Doctor said dismissively, dropping her hands into her lap, no longer investigating the box.

The Professor left, unaware of what she had just said.

For a minute there was silence in the vault. The Doctor had gone entirely still apart from a slight tremble to her hands and Yaz was leaning against the wall with an air of casualness.

“So, what do you want to do?” Yaz asked, her voice neutral.

The Doctor didn’t lift her gaze.

“Doctor?” Yaz prompted.

“What do you mean?”

“You mentioned photographs, is that all you want from all this stuff? Or it’s all well boxed, we can get a courier service to take the whole lot home and we can sort it all properly there? Up to you?”

“That’s all you’ve got to say?”

“No. But a dusty old vault doesn’t really seem like the place to start quizzing you about your marriage I knew nothing about despite the fact that we’ve been living together for nearly two years.”

Yaz was doing her Sergeant Khan thing again the Doctor noted. It was her way of protecting herself. Body language purposefully relaxed, tone of voice even and calm, words carefully chosen. But the Doctor could also see that her jaw was set and there was a look on her face… she was hurt. The Doctor couldn’t blame her, she should have told Yaz about River, only there never seemed to be a good time.

The Doctor didn’t answer, she sat, fidgeting with her hands anxiously.

“I'm going to go and stand outside. You can do whatever you want to do in private. Call me if you need help.”

The Doctor still didn’t move as Yaz walked past her. On the surface she appeared calm and unruffled but the Doctor had heard the hurt in her voice.

Yaz walked out of the door to the vault, careful not to accidentally touch the Doctor on her way past.

The Doctor was _married_? It wasn’t that that was particularly surprising, the woman was thousands of years old after all, but how could she never have mentioned it? After everything they had been through, everything Yaz had done for her, how could she never have found thirty seconds to slip it into the conversation? Yaz slid down the cold stone wall, stifling a sob she didn’t want the Doctor’s extremely sensitive hearing to pick up. Did she even know the Doctor at all? She’d thought she did, after all these months living together, she had thought the Doctor was opening up. She had never felt how alien the Doctor was than she did right at that moment.

Half an hour later the Doctor appeared in the doorway looking abashed. Yaz could see that her bag was fuller than when they had arrived. 

“I wasn’t sure you’d still be here” she said quietly.

“If you think I would abandon you down here or anywhere else for that matter then you clearly know as little about me as I apparently know about you.” Yaz replied coldly.

The Doctor winced. That had hurt.

“Can I… Do you mind if we… if I arrange for the books to be shipped back to Sheffield.”

Yaz shrugged. “Your stuff, do what you want. Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah. Professor Davey gave me a number to call and all the boxes are secure.”

Yaz started walking back down the stone corridor. It was dimly lit, and frankly, a bit eerie. Not helped by knowing that the Doctor had kept a prisoner down here for seventy years. It might have been the Master but still.

The Doctor stopped awkwardly at the bottom of the staircase. Yaz ignored her and crouched down.

“Come on” she offered, her voice now emotionless. The Doctor undid her seatbelt, shuffled forwards in her chair and wrapped her hands around Yaz’s shoulders lightly.

“Are you holding me like that because you don’t want to touch me or because you’re having muscle weakness? Because if it’s the former, hold on properly, if you topple backwards you’ll bring me down on top of you and if it’s the latter I’m not carrying you like this.”

The Doctor tightened her grip in response and Yaz climbed the stairs, steadying herself with one arm against the concrete. Yaz was incredibly relieved to be back in the sunshine and she crossed the grassy quad to put the Doctor on the ground, leaning her carefully against a tree to support her back.

“Where are you going?” the Doctor asked, confused, as Yaz started to walk away from her.

“To get your wheelchair unless you’d rather crawl to the Air BNB?”

The Doctor watched as Yaz walked away. She appeared again a few minutes later, struggling to lift the wheelchair up the stairs, it was heavy with the few items she had taken from the box that contained items from her old desk.

Yaz lifted her into the chair and paused just long enough to make sure she was safely in her chair before charging off, not even bothering to check that she was still behind her.

“Wait… Yaz! Slow down!” the Doctor panted a few moments later as she struggled to get her wheels to move over the damp grass. Yaz paused long enough for the Doctor to catch her up but she didn’t slow down.

“I’m not mad. I'm hurt. You’re married. You’re married and you couldn’t find two minutes in the conversation in the last few years to slip that in somewhere.”

They had made it back to the small lodge they had rented for the night. Or at least that was how it had been described on Air BNB, in reality it was more of a wooden hut with a ramp. Apparently it was accessible because it had said ramp and grab bars in the toilet. What it failed to mention was that the built in bed was more than a metre off the floor and that the door to the tiny bathroom was way too small for the Doctor’s chair to fit through. And ramp there may have been but there was also a nine inch lip on the door that she wasn’t able to get her chair over by herself.

“Technically I'm a widow.”

“You still should have told me.”

“I told you about my children and grandchildren.”

“You also told me that Time Lords don’t do families the way humans do and that baby Time Lords don’t come from the same place as baby humans. So your wife… was she their mother?”

The Doctor snorted. “No she, River, wasn’t the mothering type. I met her long after my family died.”

Yaz nodded. “Okay. So why didn’t you tell me about her?”

“Because it hurts too much to talk about her. Because I didn’t want to burden you with that.”

“Don’t you dare try and pretend that not telling me about your marriage as for my benefit.”

“If I told you about every person I’d ever met in the last four thousand years we’d never finish talking about it Yaz.”

“This isn’t everyone, she’s your wife!”

“River _was_ my wife. I didn’t live my life as a monk until we met Yaz. I have had past relationships.” She said defensively. She was angry now, raising her voice.

“I don’t expect that I’m your first ever partner Doctor. Even if you were only as old as you look it wouldn’t be all that surprising if you had been married before along with a few relationships. What I'm struggling to get past is the lies.”

“I never told you I wasn’t married.”

“You never told me you were! A lie of omission is just as bad. Any other marriages I should know about?” Yaz shouted back.

The Doctor instantly looked guilty.

“Oh my God there are” Yaz whispered.

“Yaz I…”

“Please don’t talk to me right now Doctor. I'm going for a walk. I’ll be back later.”

Yaz snatched up her bag that had her phone, purse and her key to the lodge and stormed out, slamming the door behind her. 

“Yaz!”

Yaz wasn’t sure how she was feeling exactly. She just needed to get out of there before she said something she might regret later. She needed space to think and the Doctor probably did too. Yaz walked, her feet hitting the pavement hard and she paid little attention to where she was going. It wasn’t long before she found herself in a park. It was pretty and leafy but Yaz barely noticed as she walked along the paths, her shoulders hunched up by her ears.

“Yaz! Where have you been! I’ve been so worried about you!” the Doctor burst out when Yaz finally walked back into the lodge.

“I brought dinner.” Yaz replied. Her voice was flat and unemotional.

“I… what?” the Doctor burst out. “You’ve been gone for hours and that’s all you’ve got to say.”

Yaz dropped the fragrant parcel from the Indian takeaway down the street on the table and rummaged in the drawers of the tiny kitchenette to find cutlery and a glass for herself and then in their luggage to find the Doctor’s water bottle which she put on the table and calmly started serving herself some food.

“Are we not talking now?”

“You’ve had years to talk to me. Why are you so interested in talking now?”

“Yaz I’m thousands of years old, I can’t possibly tell you every tiny detail of my life!”

“Would you ever have told me you were married?”

“Of course!”

“Really? When?” Yaz asked coolly, eating a poppadum which she had piled high with rice and chicken.

“I don’t know, when it came up I suppose.”

“I see. And just how many times have you been married exactly?”

“Two, maybe three, including River.”

“All women?”

“Yes.”

“What were their names?”

The Doctor blushed. “Your Queen Elizabeth I and maybe Marilyn Munroe but I don’t know if that counts.”

The Doctor was attempting to scoop rice onto her spoon but her hands were shaking and she was failing miserably.

“Do you need help?” Yaz asked, nodding at the plate.

“I'm fine.” She replied shortly.

“You need to eat.”

“I am eating!” She protested.

“You’re decorating the floor.”

The Doctor used her teeth to unstrap her spoon from her hand and dropped it on the plate, pushing it away from her.

Yaz rolled her eyes and picked up her own plate to take it to the sink. The Doctor picked up the remains of her own meal to scrape in the bin but her hands really weren’t playing ball and she ended up skiting the plate out of her hands, trailing the remains of her curry across the floor and shattering the plate.

Yaz pinched the bridge of her nose, closing her eye and let out a soft sigh.

“STUPID. USELESS. FUCKING. BRAIN.” THE Doctor shouted, punctuating every word by hitting herself on the side of her head with her hand.

“Doctor! Stop!... STOP!” Yaz shouted, grabbing her wrists to stop her from hurting herself. “What the hell are you doing!?”

“I… sorry.” She gasped, looking at her wrists which Yaz was still holding.

Yaz let go. “Do you have any glass on you?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Okay well don’t move until I’ve cleaned this up. If you burst a tyre we don’t have a spare one here.”

Yaz picked up a dustpan and brush she found under the sink to start cleaning up the shattered china and rice that had managed to spread across the whole cabin floor.

“Doctor there’s shards of china and glass in your chair, can I move you onto the bed?”

“I can clean up the mess. I made it.”

“You won't be able to hold the brush. It’s fine, I got it.”

The Doctor glared at her but undid her seatbelt and allowed Yaz to lift her onto the stupidly high bed.

Yaz shook out the Doctor’s trousers while she was perched on the edge of the bed and several more shards fell out.

It took nearly half an hour for Yaz to clean the mess the Doctor had made accidentally. When she was done, she flicked on the kettle and made two cups of tea and also a nutritional milkshake for the Doctor who hadn't eaten.

Yaz put the travel mug of tea on the shelf beside the bed for the Doctor and pressed the milkshake into her hands.

“I don’t need this.”

“Yes, you do. You haven’t eaten dinner and your body goes to pieces when you don’t look after yourself.”

“Yaz I don’t need…”

“Please don’t start another fight.”

“I'm sorry Yaz… I should have told you about River.”

Yaz pushed herself onto the bed, careful not to spill her mug of tea.

“Yes you should have… So tell me now.”

The Doctor took a breath, trying to decide where to start. “River was a time traveller like me, but we always met in the wrong order. She was a Professor of Archaeology, that’s how I met her, on an expedition. And the first day I met her was the day she died but she had already lived our whole story.”

“Was she a Time Lord?” Yaz interrupted.

“No, she was the daughter of my friends Amy and Rory, conceived on the TARDIS in the heart of the time vortex. She was kidnapped as an infant and raised for the sole purpose of assassinating me. She succeeded and spent the most of the rest of her life in Stormcage, the most secure prison in the galaxy.”

“Stormcage? Isn’t that where that bloke Kraskow was? Wait, how could she go to prison for murdering you, you’re still alive.”

“Yeah it was, she used to break out occasionally and we would go on little adventures together. I asked her to travel with me, but she never would.”

“Why not?”

“She would never tell me. But River was a psychopath, we have very different morals but she was… River. I can’t really explain her.”

“Thank-you for telling me.” Yaz said softly, rubbing the Doctor’s foot with her own affectionately.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you Yaz.”

“I know you didn’t. Maybe I overreacted, I was feeling a bit blindsided. But sometimes you need to remember you're not the only one in this relationship. You’re allowed your secrets Doctor, I’ve got plenty, but you need to think about how they affect me too.”

Back in Sheffield the next afternoon Yaz stuck their laundry in the washing machine while the Doctor sorted out the few bits in her bag that she had taken from her desk.

She jumped as Yaz came back into the room.

“Is that her, is that River?” she asked, indicating the woman in the photograph the Doctor was holding.

“Yeah.”

“She’s beautiful.”

“That she was” the Doctor whispered.

“And is this Susan?”

“Yeah.”

Yaz took the two photographs off her and put them on the mantlepiece, beside a picture of the four of them that had been taken on a beach while rain bathing in Kastarno, a photograph of herself with her parents when she graduated the police academy and a picture of her and Sonya when they were little, wearing matching dresses for Eid.

“What are you doing?” asked the Doctor, confused.

“All my family is up here, yours should be too.”

“Thanks Yaz.” she said, a little hoarsely.

“Did you bring anything else back with you?”

“Just this box, think it’s got some old earth paperwork in it but I didn’t want to take the chance of anyone else going through it. Thought you could take it into work and shred it.”

“Have you gone through it to check there’s nothing important?”

“No… my hands…” she broke off sheepishly. Working with paper was incredibly difficult when your hands didn’t move.

“Do you mind if I…?”

“Go ahead.”

Yaz opened the box and lifted out a stack of envelopes, all of which were addressed to Professor John Smith and none of which had been opened. They all appeared to be from two senders, one showed the crest of the university and the others plain and official and judging by the sheer volume of them, the Doctor had been receiving in excess of twenty a year for the entire time she had worked as a professor.

Yaz slid open the top envelope and pulled out a short piece of paper, scanning it quickly. Then she lifted the next one in the pile and opened it, comparing the two.

“What is it Yaz?”

“Do you really not know what these are?”

“No idea, why?”

“The ones with the crests on are pay slips, looks like they go back for the entire time you were working. The plain ones are bank statements.”

“I got paid? I didn’t know that!”

“You didn’t… how could you not know that Doctor?

“I never asked to be paid.”

“It’s kind of what happens when people have jobs.”

“Oh… well that’s nice.”

“Did you actually spend any of it?”

“What would I spend it on? I didn’t know I was being paid. I lived on the TARDIS, she provided everything.”

“Well, congratulations I guess, you’re a wealthy woman Doctor” Yaz forced out, handing the Doctor the bank statement for the month after she had ‘died’ which showed the most recent balance.


	75. Chapter 75

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably two chapters in one but it's taken me a few days so I'll post both together. Hope you enjoy!

“Do you mind if Sonya and my cousin Alina come over on Friday night?” Yaz asked distractedly as she scrolled through an estate agent’s website.

The Doctor shrugged. “Your house.”

“Our house” Yaz corrected. “And I know you don’t like it being invaded.” She added gently.

“I’ve never said that.”

“You don’t have to love.” Yaz pointed out.

“No, I don’t mind… Have I met Alina? She’s not the one getting married is she?”

“No, Maira is the one getting married. And no, you haven’t met Alina.”

“What’s she like?”

Yaz sighed. “Annoying. Rude. Or at least she was when she was a kid. Haven’t seen her for years, she always got on better with Sonya. Do you remember when we watched Gilmore Girls together when you were sick?”

“Kind of… Weird co-dependent mother daughter relationship.”

“That’s the one. Used to wish my relationship with my mum was like that, now I just think it was unhealthy. Anyway, she’s like Lane Kim in that, her parents are super strict and very religious but she isn’t. Can’t imagine Auntie and Uncle know that you and I are in a relationship, they wouldn’t let her hang out with me if they knew. Actually, I think she’s told her parents she’s coming to help me match my hijab to my wedding outfit.”

“And is she?”

“No, you saw me buy my outfit. They’re coming to try make-up and hair and do their nails and henna before the wedding.”

“Oh… that sounds ummm… do I have to do that?”

“Only if you want to but you liked doing henna at my Nani’s wedding. You can just keep us company if you want. It would be nice if you said hello, but you can hide upstairs if you really feel the need.”

“I’ll see what Friday’s like” she decided eventually.

“Then you're gonna love this, mum wants to know our opinion on camping.”

“What about it?”

“We usually go as a family the second week in September when the schools have gone back so it’s quieter, but we didn’t go last year because of dad’s new job and I completely forgot about it this year.”

“Do you want to go?”

“I assume you don’t?”

“I didn’t say that.” The Doctor protested.

“You didn’t have to love, it’s okay. We don’t have to go. Mum and dad would understand.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to go I just don’t see how it would work. And I don’t really want to wake your entire family up screaming every night.” She rubbed her nose the way she always did when she was embarrassed.

“You don’t scream in your sleep very often.” Yaz pointed out.

“Your Nani is more mobile than me Yaz, I don’t know how I would do in a tent.”

“Well the holiday isn’t for another few weeks. How about we work on getting you on and off the floor independently for the next week or two until we have to let mum know one way or the other. Then you can have time to think about it.”

The Doctor thought for a moment before agreeing. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to go, but she never did well sleeping somewhere other than their own bed and somehow she didn’t think a sleeping bag on the ground would help in any way. And obviously Yaz’s family knew she was disabled, it was pretty obvious, but Yaz would have to help her a lot in that situation, even if by some miracle she had learned to get herself in and out of her wheelchair to the floor by then, but she wasn’t sure she wanted Yaz’s family to see just how much help she needed.

“Anyway, what are you doing?”

“Looking for somewhere for us to live but it’s not an easy job.”

“Why? Just pick a house and buy it.”

Yaz laughed at her. “Pick a house and buy it? Seriously? Doctor I can't even afford the deposit on 90% of these rental places, let alone buy a place and it’s not like just any old house is going to suit us is it?”

“Yaz you found my bank statements yesterday, surely that’s enough to buy a house.”

“Of course it is but that’s your money Doctor, you earned it.”

“Right, I’m confused, why does that mean we can't spend it on somewhere for us to live?”

“It’s not my money to spend, I didn’t like to assume…”

“Yaz” the Doctor interrupted. “You’ve given me everything for nearly two years without ever asking me for anything. You’ve shared your home, your clothes when I’ve needed it, bought food and my wheelchair and everything else. How can you think that I wouldn’t be willing to give you every penny?” the Doctor asked, offended. 

“I’m sorry, money is a touchy subject for me. My parents are okay now but when we were growing up we really didn’t have much money, our clothes were hand me downs or came from the charity shop. We never went hungry or anything but we certainly didn’t have luxuries. Mum didn’t work until Sonya started secondary school and dad didn’t earn much. I’ve never even seen a cheque that big before.”

“I can't ever pretend that money will ever pay you back for how much I owe you but I will buy us a house to live in that has your name on it and no one can ever take it away from you.”

“You don’t owe me anything Doctor.”

“That’s where your wrong Yasmin Khan. I owe you everything. Now shove up a bit and show me what you’re looking at.”

The Doctor easily transferred onto the sofa, shuffling up so she was sitting close to Yaz and Yaz moved the laptop so it was on her knees too.

“I think we’ve got some pretty specific requirements and I think it would be easier if we were able to find a house that already met them rather than trying to modify one, especially as we have to be out of here in five and a half weeks.”

She leaned over and kissed the Doctor’s nose, as her chin resting on Yaz’s shoulder.

“Like what?”

“I think our lives would be easier and you would be more independent if we had a downstairs bedroom and bathroom you can access without someone having to take you upstairs. You’d be able to stay home on your own then too. The rooms need to be big enough for you to navigate your chair through without bumping into furniture. Wide doors would be nice. Ramps rather than steps at the front and back door. I need to be within a ten minute drive of the station for when I’m on call but I don’t want to be too far from Ryan and Graham either.”

The Doctor looked guilty. “This whole house doesn’t have to be about my being confined to this wheelchair.”

“You’re not ‘confined’ to anything. If you didn’t have your wheelchair, then you’d be confined because you’d be stuck in bed all day, but when you’ve got your chair you can go wherever and do whatever you want. And having a house that will actually allow you to do that will make a massive difference.”

“I'm not going to be in this stupid chair forever.” The Doctor argued.

“Maybe not, but your leg isn’t going to grow back either love.” Yaz pointed out gently. “You still had to use your chair sometimes, even when you were walking with your prosthetic.”

The Doctor huffed crossly but didn’t argue anymore.

“Do you have your stuff for the pool?” Yaz asked as she opened another house to look at.

“Not yet.”

“Well we need to go in ten minutes, could you grab mine as well?” Yaz reminded her gently. The Doctor’s planning skills were still lousy, and she needed regular reminders about what was happening and when. “I'm going to ring the estate agent and set up an appointment. And don’t forget Maisie is coming over for movie night later. You promised to watch Frozen with her.”

The Doctor groaned, how could she have forgotten? She had managed to spend 4000 years avoiding the phenomenon that was Frozen and now one ten year old girl was forcing it into her life.

The Doctor effortlessly transferred herself back into her wheelchair, she was getting much better at it: the movement was relatively smooth and she landed neatly on the seat, before rolling smoothly to the utility room to find their swim suits and towels.

Fifteen minutes later, and only a few minutes behind schedule, they were on their way to the pool for a hydrotherapy session where they were meeting Ryan. He still joined them more often than not, but they needed him less and less now the Doctor was so much stronger and more stable. When they had first started the sessions Ryan had had to hold her while Yaz had physically manipulated her body into whatever it was they were doing as every exercise they did had been passive. Now the Doctor was a much more active participant and the water granted her freedom to move her body much more easily and independently that she could do on land.

Another difference was in the changing room. During their first session it had taken Yaz nearly forty minutes to get the Doctor transferred out of her massive wheelchair and stuffed into a swimming costume. Now she dressed herself with the exception of getting the costume past her hips. And she didn’t need to be slowly lowered into the pool using the zero gravity ramp, the rickety old shower chair and be carefully floated off of it. Instead she was able to transfer herself back into her own chair and head out to the water. Yaz or Ryan would help her onto the poolside and then she could just slide into the water.

Yaz followed the Doctor out to pool, Ryan was already there swimming laps and he had pulled out the equipment Yaz had asked for. Ryan got out of the water to help the Doctor out of her wheelchair and to have a quick stretch on a yoga mat while Yaz slipped into the water to set their equipment up – she had the usual floats that they used and a few other usual bits but also for the first time, a set of parallel bars that could be submerged. Yaz wasn’t sure if she would manage to use it successfully. Her legs weren’t consistent in their abilities although she was usually strong enough to hold herself upright with the full support of the water and Yaz and Ryan bolstering her on either side.

When she was finished stretching on the poolside the Doctor slipped into the water and Yaz caught her elbow. The three of them started by warming up with a couple of lengths of both front crawl and back stroke. Without the use of her hands and largely without the use of her legs, the Doctor’s swim was inefficient but her technique and ability to hold her breath and raise her head had significantly improved. Even Ryan’s swimming technique had improved from his doggy paddle to something recognisable as a swim stroke.

“You ready to stand?” Yaz asked.

The Doctor nodded and they swam over to where Yaz had set up the parallel bars with a stool at one end and Yaz fastened a belt around her waist and helped her position herself onto the stool.

“You remember we talked about how we’re going to do this?” Yaz asked. “I’m going to stand in front of you and help you hold onto the parallel bars. Ryan’s going to be behind you and help you stand. That still okay?”

She nodded. “Go for it.”

Yaz and Ryan moved into position. The Doctor put her hands on top of the parallel bars and Yaz helped her wrap her fingers around the bars and held them in place.

“Ready… 1, 2, 3 and… up.” Yaz counted and on her count Ryan helped the Doctor into a standing position.

The Doctor breathed through the dizziness, she was leaning forward slightly, propped against Yaz, just managing to hold her head up.

“Yaz counted softly to ten in her girlfriends ear before Ryan lowered her back onto the seat.

“Again.”

She was slightly less dizzy this time around.

The third was better again.

By the fourth time the dizziness had abated, and she was able to put more concentration into focusing on engaging all of her muscles into keeping her upright.

“Doing great Doctor” Yaz encouraged, in between counting.

They did ten total repetitions followed by a short break and then Yaz moved the parallel bars into deeper water so that the Doctor could practice moving up and down them – or at least that was the plan.

They soon realised that getting the Doctor up and down the parallel bars was really going to be more of a three person job though they did their best. Ryan was behind her, supporting her back and also holding her right hand onto the bar. Yaz was slightly in front of her, holding her left hand but she was also helping the Doctor clear her foot from the ground where it kept dragging. But really she needed one person on each side and someone else to help her move her leg. Would they be able to persuade Graham?

Their last exercise for the day was the stairs into the pool. The plan was to be able to get the Doctor able to push herself up and down them on her hands and bottom in the hopes that it would prepare her for being able to get from wheelchair to floor and back again and also in case she were to need to access the stairs at home alone in an emergency again.

The Doctor started on the bottom stair. Ryan was holding her ankle, Yaz was supporting her residual leg and the Doctor was attempting to raise herself up the stairs and then back down again. It was more effort than it looked and the Doctor was sweating and panting by the time she had gone up and down the four steps once.

“And again” Yaz prompted.

“I'm tired.” The Doctor protested, head drooping.

“One more time, you can do it.” Yaz encouraged.

“Noo, I’m too tired.” She moaned.

“Doctor, one more time, let’s go. We only have ten more minutes until we need to be out of here.” Yaz argued, firmly.

“I don’t want to.” The Doctor shouted. She sounded like a seven year old who didn’t want to go to bed.

Ryan watched, quietly. He had never seen the Doctor giving up on therapy time before but really what difference was one more repetition going to make? She looked pitiful, almost in tears, as she gave into Yaz’s demands and attempted to drag herself back up to the top of the stairs. She slipped sideways but Yaz caught her and righted her before he had even processed what was happening and was once again pushing her to get up the stairs.

If it had been him, he would have let her stop, but he knew Yaz and the Doctor had an understanding and that Yaz had agreed to push her. Didn’t make it any easier to watch. By the time she had made it down to the bottom she had slipped several more times, though Yaz had caught her each time before she could do any damage, and was red in the face and crying, her arms trembling cruelly from the effort.

As she was on the penultimate step one of the staff from the school stuck their head round the door and reminded them that their time was up and Yaz took pity on the Doctor and pushed her up the zero gravity entrance in the rickety shower chair and back to the changing rooms, rather than demanding she climb the stairs again. Ryan was privately relieved, he didn’t want to see her so upset again.

“Are you okay?” Yaz asked her gently as she washed shampoo out of the Doctor’s hair for her.

“Fine” she replied shortly.

“Only your arms are still shaking, they usually relax under the hot shower.”

“I'm fine Yaz. Just tired.”

“Okay… well you're all done” she said and watched as the Doctor made her way back into the main changing room to get dressed while Yaz started her own shower.

The Doctor had fallen asleep in the car on the way home and was so stupid with sleep when Yaz attempted to wake her that she just took her straight up to bed to sleep it off. She could have lunch afterwards. Yaz left her to it and joined Ryan in the kitchen where he was helping himself to the fridge to make sandwiches.

“Is everything alright with you two?” Ryan asked once they were sat at the bar stools in the kitchen with chicken and salad sandwiches in front of them.

“Don’t know what you mean.”

“Just at the pool… you seemed a little off is all?”

“She wants me to push her. We come up with the therapy plans together.”

“That’s not what I meant, though it wasn’t very nice to watch.”

“I know. And I hated doing it.”

“But that’s not what’s wrong with the two of you is it?” Ryan prompted.

“I'm mad at her. I'm trying really hard not to be but I'm so angry with her.” Yaz admitted finally.

“What’s happened?”

“I'm trying really hard to be patient with her but… this time.”

“Yaz?”

“She's married Ryan.” Yaz whispered on the verge of tears.

“Wait… what!?” Ryan exclaimed.

And Yaz found herself telling Ryan the whole story.

“I just can't believe she never told you…” Ryan said eventually after Yaz stopped talking.

“It’s not the being married so much” Yaz sniffed. “She’s thousands of years old, of course I'm not her first relationship but how could she not tell me? After everything I’ve done for her… what else might she by lying about? Sometimes it’s so easy to forget that she's not human and then others…”

“What did she say, when you found out?”

“Nothing. It was like a twelve year old who knows they’ve been caught shop lifting, she just sat and stared at her hands. Then we had a fight… Am I being unreasonable? From what I can tell, the woman died centuries ago.”

“I don’t think so. I think you're upset by her not telling you rather than the marriage itself.”

“Yeah I guess.”

“Have you told her how upset you are, other than fighting with her I mean.”

“No” Yaz sighed, resting her chin in her hands. “I did the mature thing and stormed off for an hour.”

“Maybe you need to sit down with her when you're feeling a bit calmer. Even before the brain damage her social skills were pretty terrible. I can't imagine she deliberately set out to hurt you or lie to you, but she also might not realise just how much she has.”

“Yeah I know… being an adult about things and all that.”

“Something like that yeah” Ryan agreed, pulling her into a half hug.

The baby monitor beside them crackled and Ryan went up to get the Doctor while Yaz started on the lunch dishes and collected all the paraphernalia that they were going to need to get the Doctor standing that afternoon. She had been doing it in the pool for a few weeks using the bars around the edge and after encouragement from Martha they had bought her a walker and leg brace to attempt to transfer the skill to outside the water.

When Yaz wandered into the living room, the Doctor had already put on a pair of shorts and finished eating.

“You ready?” Yaz asked, dumping the bits on the sofa and pulling the walker out from behind the table. It was amazing how much medical equipment her house had amassed.

The Doctor nodded nervously. “Yeah, I am.”

She rolled into the centre of the room and Yaz noticed that her hands were sweaty.

“You’re gonna be fine love. We’re right here with you.”

The Doctor shuffled forward in her chair and put her foot flat on the floor, flicking her foot plates out of the way. Yaz started by helping her into her prosthetic. She did quite well at physically putting it on but she lacked the strength and dexterity in her hands to secure it.

“Comfortable?” Yaz checked.

“Yeah, fine.”

Yaz locked the knee joint in place – it was bent for now but when she stood it wouldn’t buckle underneath her.

“Ready for the brace?”

The Doctor looked at it with distaste. It was an adjustable one and she hadn’t worn it before so Yaz was going to have to play around with it to make it fit. It was covered in straps. She really hated straps.

“Go for it.”

“Whoa, that thing looks like it belongs on Tiny Tim!” Ryan burst out, unable to contain himself.

“It’s called a KAFO – Knee-Ankle-Foot Orthosis. The design really hasn’t changed much since they were first used apparently but they allow someone experiencing incomplete paralysis to walk with the support of crutches or a walker though we’re just working on standing today for now.” Yaz explained as she carefully adjusted the prehistoric looking brace and gently tightened it around the Doctor’s thigh. “It’ll stop her knee going out from under her when she’s standing.”

“It’s not very comfortable.” The Doctor grumbled.

“Is it actually hurting anywhere? It might take us a few tries to get it right.”

“I don’t think so… I can’t feel it that well, it’s more of an overall sensation thing.”

“Okay, tell me if it’s hurting you. Now we’ve started we really need to do this every day but if your skin breaks down you’ll not be able to wear it until you’re healed again.”

Yaz wrestled the Doctor’s feet into the pair of trainers she had bought her. The Doctor looked odd wearing anything other than her customary boots but they were very difficult to get on and off her prosthetic and weren’t practical for the KAFO brace. Last jobs were the gait belt and her grip gloves which she could wear and would keep her hands holding whatever it was she needed to hold.

“Right” said Yaz, picking up the walker. It was similar to the one her Nani used but taller. Instead of having simple hand grips at the Doctor’s side at hip height it reached to about her rib cage and she would be able to rest her entire forearm on a platform with upright grips at the end. Even better, her arms could be secured into place though that came with the downside of potentially causing more damage if she were to fall. But it wasn’t like she was going to be using it unsupervised.

“Hopefully because you’ve already been upright today you won’t be too dizzy but if you are, Ryan will step in to keep you upright. He’s going to be behind you to help you stand, just like he was at the pool this morning and he’s going to stay there, I’ll be right here in front of you.” Yaz reminded her, helping her position her arms correctly. YouTube was a wonderful resource. “You ready?”

“As I’ll ever be I think. Let’s do this” the Doctor agreed.

Her jaw was set and she looked determined. Good. Even if the Doctor was never able to walk independently again, standing was good for her. But Yaz wasn’t ready to admit that possibility yet. She just needed more time.

On Yaz’s count, Ryan and Yaz slowly raised the Doctor into a standing position. Ryan kept a very tight hold of her while Yaz fussed for a moment, checking her arms and hands were stable, her feet were in a good position and both knees were locked in place before signalling to Ryan that he could slowly start taking less of her weight.

“You dizzy?” Yaz asked.

“No.”

“Feeling sick or faint?”

“No.”

“Excellent” Yaz said with a grin. “Good to see you” she greeted softly. And it was, it was so long since she’d seen the Doctor standing in front of her on her own (even if she was strapped into a not insignificant amount of hardware).

“Good to see you too.”

Ryan stayed close behind the Doctor, his hands on the belt just in case while Yaz was doing the same in front.

“How does it feel?”

“Really strange” the Doctor muttered.

“Are you in pain?”

“No more’n usual. Uncomfortable more than painful.”

“Do you want me to shut up now so you can concentrate?”

“Please”

Yaz laughed and briefly leaned her forehead against the Doctor’s affectionately before moving back just a little to give the other woman space. She was doing really well and managed to hold the stand for a full fifteen minutes before giving in and allowing Yaz and Ryan to lower her back into her wheelchair.

“That were proper awesome Doctor!” Ryan congratulated her excitedly as Yaz relieved her of the brace, carefully scrutinising the other woman’s leg for any signs that it had been pinching or too tight but although her skin was a little red in some places it looked okay overall.

The three of them took a short tea and custard cream break before getting back to therapy. The Doctor’s next goal was to be able to get herself out of her wheelchair and onto the floor and back again and it required an incredible amount of upper body strength. They did a series of adapted push ups, wheelchair lifts, regular weights and some of the exercises to improve strength and stability in her core before the Doctor lay on the floor, exhausted and Yaz pushed her through a series of passive stretches and exercises.

“How long until Maisie gets here?” the Doctor asked, slightly out of breath.

“An hour, you have time to shower if you want to.”

“Yeah, I think I stink.”

“Yup” Yaz teased.

The Doctor hit her with a pillow.

“Hey! I hope you're going to be more mature than that when Maisie’s here.”

The Doctor stuck her tongue out in response.

Internally Yaz groaned, it was going to be a long night.

“JANE!!!” Maisie shrieked at an ear splitting volume, charging into the kitchen where the Doctor was drinking one of her milkshakes. “Good day or bad day?” she added quietly.

“Good day Maisie-Bug. I’m good for all the cuddles you want!”

Maisie wasted no time in launching herself into the Doctor’s lap. She had finally worked out that although the Doctor was happy to have her sitting on her lap, she couldn’t help her get there and she clambered up confidently, wrapping the Doctor’s hands around herself.

“Hmmm… you stink!” Maisie proclaimed loudly.

“Did Yaz tell you to say that?”

“Yup!” Maisie giggled.

Yaz was in the doorway chatting to Carole who had dropped Maisie off. “Is everything alright”? she asked, concerned. Carole looked exhausted.

“Oh we’re okay, definitely out of the honeymoon period.”

Yaz knew that the honeymoon period was used in foster care to describe the period of easiness and calm that could happen after a child was placed with new foster carers but when it wore off, all hell could break loose.

“What’s been happening?” Yaz asked sympathetically.

“She’s just becoming hard to manage and she’s very unpredictable. One minute she’s fine, the next she might be screaming in rage, sobbing, bouncing off the walls or quaking with fear under her bed. She’s been prescribed a heavy duty sleeping pill to try and help curb the nightmares until CALMS gets involved. During the day she's lying constantly, swearing, she’s started stealing, she’s hit me and my husband Paul quite a few times now and she's stronger than she looks, explosive tantrums. I’ve been promised respite care but because of her level of needs and the complications surrounding her case, it’s proving hard to find someone willing to take her on for a few days. And I don’t want her to think we’ve rejected her… I'm sorry Yaz, I shouldn’t be dumping all this on you. I can't tell you how grateful I am to the two of you for giving us a night off. It’s Paul’s birthday and this is the first night we’ve had to ourselves in months.”

“I'm sorry to hear things are so bad. I went through some of that with Jane when she was first hurt too, I can't imagine how hard it is for you.”

“I don’t want to give up on her but I don’t know how much I can take.” Carole admitted.

“Is there anything I can do Carole?”

Carole shook her head. “Not really love, it’s kind of you to offer but what I really need is respite and I can't ask that of you. I know you’re already caring for your partner full time and believe me when I say Maisie is a job and a half on her own.”

“What about in a professional capacity?”

“Wave a magic money tree and get her the therapy she needs?” Carole looked on the verge of tears.

“I wish I could Carole. If you think of anything we can do, please let us know.”

“I will, thanks Yaz. I’ll be back to pick her up at half nine.”

“Okay, see you then.”

Yaz shut the door and wandered into the kitchen to make the dinner. The Doctor and Maisie were already set up at the table in the living room and Maisie was showing the Doctor the various Frozen memorabilia she had brought with her including her pyjamas to wear while watching the film, her new Frozen colouring book, a copy of the DVD and it was of course, all crammed into her Frozen backpack.

“Yaaaaaazzzzzzzzz” whined Maisie a few minutes later, appearing at the kitchen door. “Will you colour with me? Jane won't.”

“I'm cooking sweetheart. Why won't Jane colour?”

“She says she can't.” Maisie huffed exasperatedly.

Yaz rummaged around in the junk drawer and emerged with a small strap that the Doctor could wear over her hand to enable her to hold a pencil, though she had very little reason to actually write and therefore rarely used it. It was a beige strap that went around her palm with loops for her pointer finger and thumb and a final one to shove the pencil into.

“Here, give her this and tell her it’s good for her hands.”

It was too, fantastic fine motor control, sustained concentration, strengthening her fingers, calming…

Yaz laughed as she heard the Doctor mutter in annoyance as Maisie danced her way back to the living room and shoved the grip into the Doctor’s hands saying “Yaz said you have to.” Yaz knew the Doctor would have overheard the conversation and know she hadn't said anything of the sort. She hated the pencil grip.

Maisie had requested chicken nuggets, beans and chips for dinner and while it might not have been Yaz’s first choice or hold much nutritional value it was easy, and she shoved a few trays into the oven. She had a few minutes before she needed to warm the beans and she made some drinks and found the sweets they had bought for an after dinner treat. She could see Maisie and the Doctor through the door, Maisie was colouring contentedly though she was getting frustrated that the Doctor was apparently going over the lines. It was hard to imagine the screaming rages and tantrums Carole had described as they had never really seen that side of Maisie apart from once when she had shouted at the Doctor when she had been having a lousy day. But even then Yaz had been fairly sure that she was more frightened at how quickly the Doctor had deteriorated from what she had been expecting and she had quickly apologised without prompting. The behaviours weren’t unexpected really, Maisie was a profoundly damaged child and her early years would likely haunt her well into adulthood.

“Two more minutes Maisie, then you’ll have to pack away for dinner.” Yaz called through the door and heard Maisie groan in annoyance.

Two prompt minutes later there was an overly dramatic sigh and the sounds of Maisie’s felt tips being shoved back into their Frozen pencil case and the Doctor appeared in the kitchen to collect cutlery.

“She alright in there?” Yaz asked quietly.

“Bit demanding but nothing major.”

“Did you hear what Carole was saying?”

“No, why, think they’re having issues?”

“I’ll tell you later.” Yaz promised quietly as Maisie ran into the kitchen looking for drinks.

While Maisie waltzed back out of the kitchen Yaz watched the Doctor struggle to open the cutlery drawer and lift out knives and forks.

“Do you need to go to bed after dinner?” Yaz asked quietly.

“I'm fine” the Doctor retorted automatically.

“Your hands and brain say otherwise” Yaz pointed out. “My hands are fine” the Doctor protested, shoving them down the side of her chair where Yaz wouldn’t see the definite tremors that were upsetting them. “And there’s nothing wrong with my brain.”

“Really? Then why, when we need three knives and three forks have you lifted out two knives and a teaspoon?”

The Doctor looked down at the cutlery in her lap, confused, as though she had never seen it before. She slowly put it back in the drawer (in the wrong compartments) and Yaz handed her what they actually needed.

“Be honest with me, do you feel like you're going to have a seizure?”

The Doctor swallowed reflexively. “I don’t think so. My head isn’t noisy.”

“Okay, tell me if that changes.”

The Doctor nodded but didn’t move like she had completely forgotten what she was supposed to be doing.

“Doctor can you put the cutlery on the table?” Yaz reminded her. “The cutlery on your lap” she reminded her as the Doctor went to take more from the drawer.

That wasn’t good.

Although Yaz tried to act normally as they ate she was hyper aware of every move the Doctor was making. The light tremor in her hands and now escalated into a light tremor everywhere and a big tremor in her hands and she was really struggling to eat, both because she seemed to keep forgetting what she was doing and because she was having real issues controlling her cutlery.

“Doctor are you sure you don’t want to go to bed?” Yaz asked, worried.

“Promised Maisie… but maybe lying down on the sofa is a good idea.” She sounded drunk which meant her speech was going.

Yaz quickly cleared the table, leaving the dishes for later and transferred the Doctor onto the sofa, helping her lie down comfortably. Maisie clambered over the top of her and settled on the end in the crook of the Doctor’s knee, her head resting on the Doctor’s hip and a small bowl of haribo in front of her.

By the time the film had finished both Maisie and the Doctor were asleep and Yaz took the opportunity to do the dishes and tidy up while she waited for Carole who arrived bang on time as always. Yaz carried the Doctor up to bed, thankfully she was already in her pyjamas for the film, and she didn’t stir as Yaz used a bank of pillows to prop her on one side. Hopefully she would be doing better in the morning.

At a very respectable half past eight the next morning Yaz woke to a small, muffled scream and crying coming from the bed next to her. She was awake in an instant.

“Doctor! What’s the matter?”

The Doctor was somehow both pale and red in the face and was struggling weakly with the covers.

“Hey, it’s okay, you’re okay, you’re safe” Yaz soothed, gently cupping the other woman’s scarred cheek.

The Doctor stared back at her through panic filled eyes. Her breathing was too fast, and she gasped desperately for breath.

She felt Yaz take her hands and squeeze them tightly. It was grounding.

“Match my breaths Doctor, you’re okay. You’re safe.”

The Doctor could hear Yaz counting and she tried very hard to focus on her as she struggled to bring her breathing under control.

“Doing great Doctor, I'm right here beside you. You're safe, and I love you no matter what.”

The Doctor hadn't had a panic attack in ages, but she was slowly calming down as Yaz talked her through, almost but not quite out of practice with doing so.

“You wanna tell me what happened?” Yaz asked when the Doctor was breathing normally again a couple of minutes later. She didn’t look any less frightened.

The Doctor tried to answer but all that came out was a confusing jumble of sounds and a lot of saliva.

“Whoa, okay, I see why you’re upset” said Yaz softly, pressing a tissue into the Doctor’s hand for her to wipe her face. She made an attempt but couldn’t get her hand anywhere near her mouth and Yaz had to do it for her.

“Can you sit up?” Yaz asked carefully.

The Doctor tried, she managed to get her arms vaguely underneath her but it was like all the strength she had been building up over the last few weeks had deserted her and she had no strength to push herself up. She started to cry again and Yaz could practically feel her terror radiating off of her.

“Oh love, come here.” Yaz’s voice was full of sympathy as she gently eased the Doctor into a sitting position, leaning against her. At least she wasn’t quite at the point of needing her head supported but her body draped bonelessly against Yaz’s own, her arms uselessly and awkwardly by her sides.

“Hey, I know you’re frightened. You're thinking so loud I can practically hear you. But this is not a relapse okay? You’re not right back to square one. You’re not sick, you don’t have a temperature, you haven’t had a seizure. But what you did do yesterday was a heck of a lot of therapy which I'm sure your body is still exhausted from. I'm sure you’ll be fine when you’ve had a bit more sleep.”

The Doctor cried some more against Yaz’s shoulder before she managed to pull herself together.

“I’ll help you get ready. You’re okay.” Yaz soothed and she helped the Doctor in the bathroom, once again producing the bath chair that had once been Lucy’s that had been folded neatly behind the door for the last few weeks. She dressed her in a comfy pair of joggers and a jumper before bringing her downstairs and putting her in her wheelchair. She slumped disconcertingly to one side.

“Can you sit up Doctor?”

Yaz watched her struggle but she was too weak to push herself into anything resembling a decent sitting position and Yaz moved her to the sofa instead.

“I'm going to go and get your other chair out of the garage. This isn’t safe…” The Doctor looked at her, the look portraying all the words she couldn’t say. “I’m sorry love, I know it’s not what you want. It’s not what I want either but you’ll be more comfortable.”

The Doctor scowled at _The Beast,_ her friends had nicknamed it, as Yaz dusted it off. It had been in their garage for ages as there was still a few weeks on the rental agreement that Ryan had signed and she huffed miserably as Yaz lifted her into it and strapped her in at her waist, chest and foot.

“Comfortable?”

The Doctor nodded desolately. Actually she did feel slightly better. A headache she hadn't realised was there was clearing and she could focus better on what Yaz was saying better.

“Do you think you can feed yourself?” Yaz asked.

“D…d… d… d… dunno.” She stuttered her way through the simple response and it took Yaz a second to process what she had actually said.

Yaz strapped the Doctor’s spoon to her hand and put a bowl of heavily sweetened porridge on the tray that attached to the wheelchair. The Doctor gave it a valiant effort but failed miserably, not able to get the spoon even into the bowl, let alone near her mouth.

She gave a small scream of frustration and Yaz strongly suspected she would have thrown the spoon had she had the strength and it wasn’t strapped to her hand.

“Hey, relax. This sucks, I know it sucks but I'm going to help you. Then we need to chat about today.” She scooped up a small mouthful of porridge and lifted it to the Doctor’s mouth. The Doctor gave a defeated sigh but ate without complaint.

After Yaz had fed her breakfast, she sat down opposite her again to talk to her properly.

“Right, we’re supposed to be meeting the estate agent this morning. Do you feel up to coming with me? If you don’t want to, I can rearrange the appointments or see if Ryan is free to come and hang out?” She didn’t let on that she had already arranged for Ryan to come over that afternoon while she was working. It was a short shift and usually the Doctor was fine to be left alone for those now but not today.

“No, wanna come.” The Doctor slurred. It took Yaz a moment to interpret what she’s said.

“Good” she replied with a smile. “It would feel weird to do this without you.”

By the time they made it to the first house on the estate agents list an hour later, the Doctor’s speech had come back online a little. At least Yaz could understand her, though the estate agent less so. They dismissed the first property outright without even going into it as it had eight steps going up to it and no room for a ramp. The second house had doorways so narrow that the Doctor didn’t make it out of the hall. The third had a narrow galley style kitchen that her wheelchair wouldn’t fit through and no downstairs bedroom. The Doctor had joked that if she couldn’t get into the kitchen then she wouldn’t have to cook. Yaz pointed out that the custard creams were kept in the kitchen which quickly wiped the smirk from her face.

“I don’t think you’re getting the concept of accessible” Yaz said exasperatedly as she transferred the Doctor back into the car and secured the harness that kept her upright. Something else which she had dispensed of months ago. Each time in and out of the car was a palaver and Yaz was getting tired.

“Let me phone my office and see if we have anything else.” He replied meekly, under Yaz’s steely gaze. The Doctor was already secured in the car and Yaz started the process of once again collapsing the large and heavy chair into the back seat, it was far too bulky to fit into the boot.

The Doctor had been very quiet throughout most of the morning. Yaz didn’t blame her, it was hard for her to see the Doctor heavily strapped into the big wheelchair and stripped of all her independence again. And it couldn’t be easy for her to be thinking about buying a home on earth when the TARDIS was still lost.

The estate agent wandered back over, making Yaz jump as he interrupted her thoughts. “My boss suggested a place, been on the market a couple of weeks. He said it had an elderly resident and he’s pretty sure it was adapted for him.”

Yaz checked her watch, calculating how much time they had. If Ryan met them at the house and took the Doctor home so she could go straight to work…

“Go on then” she sighed.

As they drew up outside the brick bungalow, Yaz had to admit that she was impressed. It was long and low though it did appear to have rooms in the attic. There were three steps leading up but also a subtle ramp that blended neatly into the surroundings, leading to a wide door. The estate agent fumbled at the lock box for a moment and Yaz pushed the Doctor into a wide, open hallway.

“It’s empty now but you can get the gist” the agent explained.

The décor was fussy and old fashioned but that was easy changed. The first room, to the left of the L shaped hallway was a long kitchen diner. The units were surprisingly modern with black, granite tops and Yaz was very impressed that there was a section of the counter that had been lowered with a separate sink and there were no cupboards underneath to make it accessible for someone using a wheelchair.

“Hey look!” Yaz pointed it out. “Now you can't get out of the dishes anymore!”

“I hate doing dishes.”

“I know you do but it’s that or cooking and I'm not letting you do that.”

The Doctor rolled her eyes dramatically which Yaz could see even though she was behind her. She rubbed the Doctor’s shoulder affectionately.

While the Doctor may profess to hating dishes, Yaz knew she felt guilty about how little housework she was able to contribute to.

The next room was a large living room with a big fireplace surrounding a real fire and both the main rooms were accessed through open archways rather than doors with handles to worry about. Yaz was delighted when she noticed a door off the living room leading to a pleasant conservatory which had doors out to the garden which were once again accessible by a ramp. The garden was small but pleasant and largely paved. Not much room for Graham to potter but equally not much space to worry about keeping the grass cut.

“So far so good” Yaz said delightedly. So far, it was perfect. If this house had a downstairs bedroom and bathroom, it would be like it had been designed just for them. 

Down the second arm of the L shaped hallway there was a small study on the right and a large bedroom on the left but it was right at the end of the L was a big surprise. The large bedroom on the left wasn’t the only downstairs bedroom because there was an even larger one hiding behind the double width door. It had large windows, a skylight above the bed and a fireplace and while the décor might not have been Yaz’s taste, it was a beautiful room. There was another door leading off the bedroom and Yaz opened it and gasped.

“Doctor look at this” she said excitedly, grabbing the handles of her wheelchair and steering her into the room.

It was a wet room, with a toilet that already had grab bars, a sink without a cabinet under so her wheelchair would fit underneath and a proper, accessible shower with a permanent seat but also room for a fully supportive shower chair should the Doctor require one again. It was exactly what they needed.

Back in the hallway, Yaz left the Doctor with the estate agent and went up the stair which led her to a tiny landing off of which were two further bedrooms and a family bathroom. It didn’t matter so much that the Doctor wouldn’t be able to access them unless she was walking because why would she need to? Everything she might need was downstairs.

“Doctor, this house… it’s like it was designed for us.” She said breathlessly, coming back downstairs.

“It’s more old fashioned than your Nani’s house.”

“That’s what buckets of paint are for Doctor. Come on, you know we couldn’t ask for anything better.”

“It is good” she admitted. “Wish I were in my own chair to try the steepness of the ramps and the kitchen sink.”

Yaz took hold of her hand.

“I know you’re having a really shitty day love, but your speech is already way better than it was this morning. You’re waving your arms about while you talk like you always do. I bet once you’ve slept, you’ll be feeling a lot better.”

The Doctor hummed non-committedly.

Yaz checked her watch again.

“I’m going to have to go to work now, are you okay to go back with Ryan?”

“Yeah” she sighed heavily.

“Hey, I love you and I’ll see you tonight okay? I won't be home late.”

“The Doctor smiled back weakly. “I love you too Yaz.

When Yaz got home that night she was beyond relieved to see the Doctor back in her regular wheelchair. She might have spent all morning reassuring the Doctor that it was just because she was tired and she needed rest that she had been in such a bad way, but she really hadn't been sure.

Ryan left as soon as Yaz arrived, anxious to go and meet his mates in the pub and Yaz and the Doctor did an altogether more gentle physiotherapy session than they’d done the day before.

It wasn’t until after dinner, when she was settled on the sofa with Yaz working her hands that she remembered about Maisie.

“What was it Carole wanted to talk about last night?”

Yaz explained what Carole had told her about Maisie’s behaviour.

“She was fine for us last night.”

“Yeah but she had your 1:1 attention, her favourite dinner and her favourite movie all night. And as soon as you said you didn’t want to colour with her she was in here whining to me.”

“Could we offer respite? What about in half term, she’s got three days off.”

Yaz paused, choosing her words carefully. “I'm just not sure we’re in any position to offer it. All we’ve ever done is given Maisie somewhere fun to hang out for a few hours.”

“Yeah but we could give her a bit more than that couldn’t we?”

“Doctor, Maisie has a lot of problems, I just don’t know that I can take care of both of you.” Yaz admitted quietly.

The Doctor was both embarrassed and offended. “I'm not that useless.”

Yaz switched from working the Doctor’s right hand to massaging her badly scarred left hand with the thick, medicated moisturiser, contemplating her next words.

“Let me make this perfectly clear, I don’t think you're useless. Not even a little bit. But I already have your nightmares most nights, I don’t know if I can handle Maisie’s on top. And I would still have to work. What if you weren’t well and had to be responsible for her? Or had a seizure and were lying on the floor unconscious? What would we do with her while we’re doing physio or hydro? And we’ve never had to do things like make sure she gets to school on time or does her homework or make sure she eats vegetables or provide boundaries.”

“I’ve been a parent Yaz, I know how to take care of one little girl.”

“But this isn’t any little girl. She is a profoundly damaged child with angry and violent outbursts who needs a tremendous amount of support.”

Yaz didn’t say it but she was worried that Maisie could actually hurt the Doctor. She had hurt Carole and while the Doctor wouldn’t appreciate Yaz pointing it out, she was vulnerable and fragile.

“So that’s a no?” the Doctor clarified.

Yaz sighed. “I'm not saying no just… not yet. Can we revisit this when we’ve moved? We can’t have her stay until we have a bedroom to put her in. When we have that I’ll think about it okay?”

The Doctor matched Yaz’s sigh. “Okay. But I do want to talk about it again… speaking of moving, what did you think of the house?”

“I think it’s perfect for us in all honesty. Well, once it’s had a coat of paint. What did you think?”

The Doctor shrugged dismissively.

“What didn’t you like about it?” Yaz probed.

“It’s just… so geared to a disabled person.”

“Doctor I’m gonna be very blunt here, but you _are_ disabled. You do use a wheelchair and right now you have no other choice.”

“It’s not me Yaz.”

“You’re having to be so strong right now Doctor. What happened to you was not your fault but unfortunately you have to live with the consequences. And just in case I haven’t said it recently, I am so, so proud of you. You are such a strong person and I love you so much more than I can say. I know this isn’t how you saw your life but it’s what you’ve got and it is worth living.”

“Sometimes I just feel so tired.”

“I know love. But your life would be so much easier in a house like that. You can't even make yourself a cup of tea or go to the bathroom without someone helping you here.”

The Doctor was silent and watched as Yaz took hold of each finger one by one, stretching it out and manipulating it from side to side.

“I know.” She whispered finally. “It’ a nice house.”

It didn’t occur to Yaz until later just how accepting the Doctor was of moving to a more permanent base on earth rather than renewing her search for the TARDIS.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got bored and built Yaz and the Doctor's new house on the Sims 4. If anyone is interested in seeing what I imagine it to look like and knows how I can share the pictures (I don't have instagram/tumblr/reddit/twitter etc) then please let me know.


	76. Chapter 76

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long notes but please read!
> 
> I just want to apologise for the long delay in posting this chapter. As some of you know I have been in hospital and just haven't been well enough to write even though I wanted to. 
> 
> The next chapter will jump forward a couple of weeks and will be up as soon as I can manage. I'm still not recovered but I am doing a little better however the next few days will be hectic as it's my birthday and I need to get my classroom sorted for back to school... where has the time gone?
> 
> Thank-you for your patience and well wishes. And extra thanks to Shambling who helped so much with this chapter.
> 
> The views held by Yaz’s aunt are not my own. I am not Muslim however Yaz’s aunts reaction to her arriving at the wedding with a woman are similar to how I would imagine some members of my own very conservative Catholic family if I announced I was dating a woman. I am not Muslim or Pakistani and did my best to research a Muslim wedding and how a couple might choose to celebrate their wedding to reflect their heritage and also the British culture in which they live, I hope I have not made any glaring errors and I apologise if so. I have done my best to be respectful.
> 
> Links to the outfits worn by Yaz and the Doctor can be found at the end.
> 
> I hope you enjoy.

Yaz had just put snacks on the coffee table when the doorbell rang. As ever, the Doctor jumped at the sudden noise and Yaz put a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

“Relax love, just Sonya and Alina.”

The Doctor rubbed her knuckles against Yaz’s hand softly.

“I’m okay.”

The Doctor stayed in the living room, fidgeting anxiously in her chair while Yaz went to answer the door.

Sonya barged into the living room. She was lugging two large, plastic carry cases which she dumped on the coffee table, said a cheerful hello to the Doctor and immediately dropped to the floor, helping herself to the chocolate buttons.

Alina followed more sedately, shyly following Yaz and taking off her hijab. The Doctor could see the family resemblance though she looked younger than her seventeen years.

Yaz quickly introduced the Doctor to Alina and the Doctor offered her hand for Alina to shake, glaring at it when it spasmed. Alina shook it, looking uneasy. Apparently no one had thought to warn her. The Doctor was surprised, she would have thought her general uselessness and ravaged appearance would have been top of the list if Sonya had been talking about her. Alina sank nervously to the floor beside Sonya, almost hidden behind her and looking like she wished she was anywhere else.

Sonya was busy opening up her cases which turned out to contain large amounts of supplies that the Doctor was not familiar with – small, colourful glass bottles that she thought were probably nail polish. She was pretty sure she had seen Rose with those. Tubes and bottles and pots – those must be make up but what the difference between them or why you needed so many the Doctor wasn’t sure. A couple of bits that didn’t look like they would be out of place in a medieval torture chamber and what the Doctor recognised as henna which she remembered from Umbreen’s first wedding in 1947.

Yaz wandered back into the living room with cups of tea and plopped down onto the floor with her sister and cousin. The Doctor was starting to feel self conscious in her chair, sitting high above all the others and when Alina politely asked for a glass of water she quickly volunteered to fetch it. Alina stared openly when the Doctor came back in with the glass of water wedged between her thighs and handed it to Alina by clamping it between her wrists which the Doctor ignored and focused on what Yaz and Sonya were discussing.

Alina had moved on from staring at her and was now staring at her walker which was neatly folded up behind the sofa and two photographs of Yaz and the Doctor; one taken in the TARDIS kitchen when they had first started dating, long before she had met the Mhufiest and the other at the park near where Ryan would be studying in a few weeks and taken the first day she had gone out after her brain infection when they had gone to see Ryan’s presentation and the two women were laughing at something Ryan had just said. The Doctor was dressed in baggy clothing that somehow made her look even more disabled than the massive wheelchair she was sitting in or the oxygen cannula that was resting in her nose. Two very contrasting pictures but Yaz insisted on displaying them both; claiming that they were both an equally important part of their relationship and time together.

“Did you bring the clothes from Nani?” Yaz asked her sister.

“Yeah they’re in the car with the sleeping bags.”

“What sleeping bags?”

“Mine and Alina’s…” Sonya answered, looking at Yaz like she was stupid.

“Why do you have sleeping bags?”

“Because Alina’s parents are in your bed tonight and her brother is in mine. We had to sleep somewhere.”

“And you didn’t think to ask?” Yaz asked exasperatedly.

“Hey, I don’t want to spend the night before the wedding on the sofa either but at least here there’s no one snoring.”

“You could have asked Sonya, you can't just turn up and assume you can stay!”

“I'm your sister, course I can. Besides I thought mum asked.”

“What are you, twelve? Can't you ask yourself?”

Sonya shrugged in a don’t care kind of attitude.

“Urgh fine” Yaz relented, seeing as there wasn’t really another choice.

“Where’s your make up collection Yaz?” Sonya asked excitedly, changing the subject.

“Upstairs on the dressing table in my room. You can go, I'm going to go and get our stuff and hang them up so they’re not all creased tomorrow seeing as your probably just dumped them in the boot.”

“I’ll come with you and help” Alina offered quickly, clearly not happy with being left alone with the Doctor.

She fished the keys to her dads car which was currently parked in Yaz’s driveway and followed her outside. Yaz shut the front door firmly behind them.

“You can't catch it you know.” Yaz said conversationally, leaning against the car with her arms folded casually.

“I… I don’t know what you mean.”

“The Doctor’s used to people staring at her and judging her and assuming that she’s incompetent, stupid and helpless every time she leaves the house. I can't control that, but I can control who’s in our home so either get over yourself or leave.”

Alina’s face reddened and she buried herself in the car as she extracted the four garment bags, two sleeping bags and two overnight bags.

“I know it’s pretty shocking the first time you see her” Yaz said, more gently this time “but treat her the same as everyone else. She’s not made of glass, she won't break if you speak to her.”

“Will she… has she always…” Alina stumbled, trying to choose her words.

“See this is what I mean Alina, first decide if your question is appropriate. If it isn’t, then don’t ask it, if it is, just ask. But seeing as you asked, she was attacked. Aside from what you can see she has brain damage which is why she talks the way she does but don’t make the mistake of thinking she doesn’t understand or that she’s stupid because she’s far from it.”

Yaz took the garment bags off her cousin, leaving the other woman to deal with the overnight gear and walked back inside, hanging the bags up on the cupboard doorway.

“You wanna sit on the floor with us?” Yaz asked the Doctor quietly.

She dithered for a moment. Somehow, sitting in her wheelchair with everyone else on the floor made her feel way more conspicuous than sitting in it when everyone around her was standing but on the other hand, once Yaz helped her onto the floor she would be stuck.

“You can still take a break if you need to.” Yaz added softly.

“Yeah go on then.” She relented, unfastening her lap belt and allowing Yaz to help her down and adjusted herself so her back was resting against the sofa and her legs were sort of crossed to make her less likely to topple over embarrassingly if she spasmed or jerked. 

“Yaz” called Sonya, clattering down the stairs. “Is this all your makeup?” she was holding a small white make-up bag with pink, purple and blue stripes across it.

“Yeah that’s it.” Yaz confirmed.

“God how are we related.” Sonya muttered, eyeing the small bag in apparent shock. “Doctor where’s yours?”

“My what?” she asked, looking confused.

“Your make-up bag?”

“Oh, I don’t have one.”

“You… what?... How?” Sonya’s face was a picture of utter astonishment. “God every time I see you I learn something even weirder about you.”

Yaz couldn’t quite stifle a giggle as she imagined Sonya’s face if she had been there the first time Yaz had had to teach the Doctor how to properly maintain a woman’s hairstyle or fasten a bra. She sobered quickly when she realised the Doctor couldn’t do either of those things anymore.

“We didn’t all do hair and beauty at college Sonya.”

“Yeah but how can you be a woman all your life and never experiment with make-up or your hair?”

“Ummm… I were too busy doing science experiments and playing with engines.”

Sonya rolled her eyes. “Maybe you should have been a man.”

“Yeah maybe…” the Doctor agreed, deliberately not catching Yaz’s eye and thoroughly relieved when Sonya turned her attention to Alina.

“Show me the picture of what you want your make-up to look like again.”

Alina produced a picture on her phone and showed it to Sonya.

“Oh, I can do that no problem. Easy peasy!” she declared, opening one of her boxes and digging through her creams and pots of… stuff. “Yaz, I’ve got something in mind for you too, you’ll look totally hot with your shalwar kameez and we can do your hair so you can wear the hijab for the ceremony and still look awesome after. Doctor… you’re a bit… pale… I don’t know what I have that would suit you.”

“You don’t need to do anything to me” the Doctor stuttered, horrified. “Besides I don’t think there’s enough make-up in the world to cover up this.” She gestured to the ruined side of her face with a dismissive wave of her hand that did little to hide how she really felt about it.

Sonya stopped what she was doing and gave the Doctor her full attention. “Can I look?”

“Go for it I guess” the Doctor replied, slightly bemused. She was still getting used to Sonya’s softening attitude towards her recently.

Sonya moved so she was sitting directly across from the Doctor, scrutinising her face. She reached out and gently tipped the Doctor’s face away from her, exposing her scars to the full glare of the bright living room light.

“Will I hurt you if I touch?”

The Doctor shrugged. “Depends on the day, sometimes they’re more sensitive than others.”

Sonya lightly ran her fingers down the Doctor’s cheek. “Right, I know there are specialist products for scars on the market, including ones to fill in where your skin is uneven, but I think yours is too damaged for that. No offence.”

“None taken.”

“But I could probably even out the colour of it a bit if you want, you’ve got loads of red patches and bits that are more orange or shiny and some that look like bruising. I can try and tone them down a little.”

Yaz squeezed her hand. “Don’t think you have to because you're meeting half of my family tomorrow, if you want to do it for you then that’s fine. But don’t do it for anyone else.”

“Yeah… I mean you can try. I can't imagine it'll work…” the Doctor agreed reluctantly.

Sonya pulled a small grey zip up bag from her case and laid out bottles of… stuff… in various shades of the rainbow.

“Your idea of evening out the colour isn’t to paint a rainbow across my face is it?” asked the Doctor, eyeing the pots of gunk nervously.

“Well it’d be a look, I could paint a pride flag for you if you really wanted, just in case my family don’t quite get the gay vibe you too will be bringing tomorrow…”

“No” Yaz interjected firmly.

“What you wouldn’t love me if I had rainbow stripes on my face?” the Doctor asked.

“I love you whatever way you come but tomorrows gonna be hard enough without you turning up in a pride flag. Do you even know what that is?”

“Uhh… no?”

“God you really did spend all your time in a lab didn’t you?” muttered Sonya, pulling out a series of brushes and sponges, kneeling right next to the Doctor as she started to work.

“What did I miss this time?” the Doctor asked Yaz, wanting to concentrate on something other that the uncomfortable sensation of someone touching her face. It didn’t hurt exactly, her scars were a peculiar mix where some spots were hypersensitive and others were totally or almost totally numb. But no one ever really touched her at all except Yaz and sometimes Ryan… and to have Sonya of all people rubbing pots of green and purple and orange stuff into her face… it was unnerving.

Recognising what she needed Yaz launched into an explanation of pride, its flag and what it meant. Yaz knew it wouldn’t mean much to the Doctor, she was from a species who could randomly change gender after all and had already explained that gender meant far less to her than it did to humans. But Yaz had also tried to explain to her how hard it had been to come out, what had happened when the first person she had told she was gay had not only turned on her but had actively turned most of the school on her as well. How things had got so bad she had almost ended it all.

“Earth to Yaz… yoohoo” called Sonya irritatingly, right in Yaz’s face.

“Sorry, what?” Yaz asked, realising she had gotten lost up in her own thoughts and now the Doctor was looking at her in concern and Sonya was looking at her like she was a moron.

“Do you have a mirror you can bring in here?”

“I… yeah I think so, hang on.”

Yaz untangled herself from the floor and headed upstairs, trying to remember what she had done with the ornate, silver backed mirror which her Nani had given to her for her sixteenth birthday. It matched her hairbrush and a perfume bottle and Yaz loved the set dearly, knowing it had made the journey from Pakistan but she had put it away when the Doctor had first regained consciousness as they hadn't wanted her to see her face accidentally at the time. Even now, she didn’t tend to look in mirrors. The one in the upstairs bathroom was too low for her to see from her chair and Yaz suspected that she liked it like that. Finding the mirror in the bottom drawer of her dressing table Yaz took it down and pressed it into the Doctor’s fingers as Sonya finished what she was doing. Yaz glanced at the clock on the wall and realised with a start that Sonya had been at it for an hour, she had been so wrapped up in her own thoughts that she hadn't even noticed.

The Doctor took the mirror and took a small breath before looking, not really sure what to expect. It was… her skin was still thick and twisted in some areas, standing out like a candle that had wax dripping down it. Only now it was like just one wax candle instead of a multitude of colours. Even the funny grey bit that looked like cheap cardboard and was stretched tightly over her skull where the acid had melted right through her skin and some of the bone, was covered. The textures were all there, but they looked… smoother overall and Sonya had covered her whole face with a powder that had tickled but now it was all one colour. It certainly didn’t disguise the scarring, that would take a paper bag over her head most likely, but it… was an improvement. Sonya was… good.

Yaz squeezed her hand reassuringly.

“I… you did a really good job Sonya, thank-you.” The Doctor said softly, looking at her hands rather than the mirror or at Sonya.

Sonya looked a bit put out, clearly having expected more of a reaction for all her hard work. Yaz shot her a smile and nodded, indicating that she should go back to doing Alina’s make-up.

Sonya concentrated on Alina’s makeup and within a few moments they were chatting quietly and giving Yaz and the Doctor a modicum of privacy.

Yaz inched closer. “You need a minute or…”

The Doctor nodded and Yaz went to move away but the Doctor caught her and pulled her in tight. Yaz shuffled in closer and she laid her head on the Doctor’s shoulder. The Doctor leaned against her, needing the comfort.

“It’s okay to not know how you feel about something” Yaz breathed quietly against her.

“I know, it’s just… different. Sometimes it’s just a lot.”

“I get it. I don’t care how scarred you are, I love you just the same.”

“I know.”

“God you two are so sappy” Sonya groaned from across the room where she was dropping supplies back in her box and Alina had pinched the mirror and was admiring her make-up but there was no hint of malice in her voice. “Can we order pizza now?”

Yaz rolled her eyes at her sister but opened up her laptop which started the debate of what pizzas they wanted and garlic bread versus wedges. Obviously, the answer was both and Alina surprised them all by producing her dads’ card to pay with. Uncle was apparently feeling uncharacteristically generous.

Half an hour later there were boxes spread across the coffee table instead of make-up and the four women were helping themselves to slices of steaming, cheesy pizza, fragrant garlic bread and spicy wedges while flicking through Netflix looking for a film to watch, finally settling on a rom-com that neither Yaz nor the Doctor would have chosen in a hundred years but Sonya and Alina were very excited about.

When they had finished eating Yaz found herself lying back on the floor, resting her head in the Doctor’s lap and painting her nails. Blowing on her newly painted nails that would match her outfit the next day Yaz carefully screwed the top back on the polish and sighed contentedly.

The Doctor startled slightly as Sonya grabbed her hands.

“What are you doing?”

“You’re not going to be wearing make up, you won't let me do henna and you cover your head. At least let me paint your nails?” Sonya begged.

“What’s the point? No one will see them anyway?” the Doctor pointed out, indicating her balled fists.

“Yaz will when you’re dancing with her” Sonya whispered into her ear.

“I can’t even straighten them for you to paint.”

“You could put your night splints on.” Yaz interjected.

“Thought you were supposed to be on my side!” the Doctor grumbled but without any real passion.

“I am on your side!” Yaz mock protested. “That’s why I’ll always suggest ways for you to do whatever you want to do.”

“Oh go on then” she relented.

Yaz nipped up the stairs to grab the splints from the Doctor’s bedside table and brought them back down. Sonya watched with interest rather than judgement as Yaz straightened out the Doctor’s hands one at a time and laced them through the soft, heavily padded splints, thumb through one section and her fingers resting on the flat bed before velcroing them into position securely and leaving the Doctor to Sonya’s mercies while she got rid of all their pizza rubbish.

One thing she was looking forward to about the new house was not thinking about finding the Doctor an inch from death in her garden every time she took out the rubbish. She shuddered at the memory despite the warmth of the evening and headed back inside. By the time she sat back down, the Doctor already had the nails of one hand painted a shimmering golden colour and she was shooting Yaz a mutinous look.

As always seems to happen on such occasions, the next morning seemed to be incredibly hectic as the four women in the house got ready for the wedding. Yaz and the Doctor got first dibs on the bathroom and then while Sonya and Alina went to use it, Yaz and the Doctor re-commandeered their living room to have a physio session. They would only get one in during the course of the day and the Doctor was used to a minimum of two, usually three or four. And both her brain and body always rebelled when she didn’t work it properly or stopped looking after it.

“Floor first to stretch and warm up?” Yaz asked.

The Doctor nodded, only half listening as she glanced anxiously at the stairs.

“If Sonya and Alina finish before we do, they can go and wait in the kitchen, they won't come in stare at you. This is your house not theirs and if they don’t like it they can leave.” Yaz said firmly, correctly interpreting why the Doctor seemed so anxious.

The Doctor nodded again but seemed happier as Yaz lowered her to a yoga mat on the floor and pushed her through a series of passive stretches. Next, Yaz rolled her so she was on her front, her legs and hips were on a deep wedge of foam Ryan had brought from work and supported her to do some adapted push ups and then back to lying flat on her back to do some sit ups.

“Back into your chair?” Yaz checked when she had done three sets of ten repetitions of each activity with a small break between each set.

“Yeah” the Doctor panted and Yaz helped her up for a gruelling session of weights and raising her body in and out of her chair and holding for a count of ten to prepare her for being able to get on and off the floor independently.

“Do we have time for me to stand?” the Doctor asked shyly.

“Time yes, but we’ve only done it once, do you feel comfortable doing it with just me? What if you get dizzy?”

“I want to try” she said determinedly this time. She knew that if she stood now, she would be less likely to get dizzy later in the dancing.

“Alright, if you're sure.” Yaz agreed after a minute. She went upstairs and grabbed the Doctor’s prosthetic and brace from where they lived beside their bed and brought them back down, handing the Doctor her leg.

“I can’t…”

“Try. I’ll help you.”

The Doctor, almost reluctantly, took her prosthetic from Yaz, clamping it as tightly as she could with her wrists and resting it so the socket was between her thighs and the foot, still in its trainer, was resting flat on the floor. She slid forward in her chair and supported the socket with her wrists again and attempted to slide her residual leg into it. She got it most of the way and Yaz helped her push it in the last bit and fastened the Velcro before strapping her other leg into the KAFO brace and tightening the gait belt around her waist. Yaz unfolded the walking frame from where it had been stored behind the sofa – thank goodness the new house was bigger, the Doctor was certainly ramping up the amount of medical equipment she owned – and placed it in front of her, securing her arms in place.

“You ready?” Yaz asked, positioning herself behind the Doctor so she could lever her into a standing position.

“Yeah” the Doctor smiled. “Let’s get a shift on.”

Yaz counted them up and raised the Doctor into a standing position. She made sure she was as well balanced as she was likely to get and, keeping hold of the gait belt, moved to stand in front of the Doctor.

“How are you doing?”

“Mmm…” she mumbled, shutting her eye.

“Try and keep your eye open love, it’ll help your balance. Dizzy?”

“Yeah”

“Feeling nauseous?”

“A little?”

“Head rush?”

“Very much”

“Do you want to sit down?”

“Not yet.”

“Good” Yaz smirked at her and discreetly set the timer on her phone to monitor how long the Doctor was able to stand. “Let me know if you feel faint or need to sit.”

There was a clattering behind them and Sonya appeared suddenly, her hair already styled for the wedding.

“Whoa, thought you couldn’t walk anymore after your brain gave up or whatever?” Sonya asked in surprise, staring at her.

The Doctor raised her gaze to look at her. She might not always like Sonya very much but at least she didn’t pussy foot around her like so many people did.

“I can’t” she replied through gritted teeth as she focused on keeping herself upright.

“Then what are you doing?”

“Trying to learn how.”

“Oh… why?”

“Because I don’t want to use a wheelchair for ever if I don’t have to. And even if I can’t walk it’s good for me to stand.”

“Oh right… Yaz what do you have for breakfast?”

“Usual. Eggs, fruit, cereal, juice. Just stick it all on the table in here, we won't be long.”

Sonya sauntered off into the kitchen, leaving Yaz and the Doctor to it. The Doctor managed to stand for another ten minutes before asking Yaz to lower her back into her wheelchair and relieve her of the brace and her prosthetic. 

It was after they had all eaten their fill of fruit, cereal and fried egg sandwiches the preparations for the wedding started in earnest.

The Doctor was slightly bemused by it all. The last wedding she’d been to was Umbreen’s and they’d literally just shown up. And dealt with a few demons who weren’t demons at all. Before that it had been Amy and Rory’s, she’d put on a top hat and tails and had been ready to go but Sonya and Alina had been styling each other’s hair for hours, even though they would both be wearing hijab’s for the ceremony. She just didn’t get it.

“You sure you want your prosthetic? It’s gonna be a long day.” Yaz questioned as she helped the Doctor get dressed. Although she was much more independent at getting dressed these days, the unfamiliar outfit, flimsy fabric and long dress had thrown her for a loop.

“Yeah, I’ve been practicing wearing it and your Nani tailored the trousers specially.”

“She would have cut the leg of them off too” Yaz pointed out gently.

The Doctor shrugged, she still hadn't told Yaz her plan to dance with her later. Still didn’t know for sure if she would be able to, she would have to see how she was doing later. Just because she was fine now didn’t mean she would be by the time the dancing happened.

To her relief, Yaz didn’t question her decision further but helped her push her stump into the prosthetic and secure it into place before helping the Doctor into the rest of her outfit. Umbreen had not only tailored the kameez so that it fitted the Doctor like a glove but also so that it was designed for her to be sitting as she had kept the back the same length but shortened the front and tightened the fabric so it didn’t bunch unflatteringly across her tummy.

Yaz carried her downstairs and helped her settle into her chair and slip on the matching sandals.

“You look beautiful.” Yaz said softly, kissing her girlfriend. 

And she did. The kameez was a midnight blue; long sleeved and v-necked and if she were standing would reach to her mid shin while the shalwar underneath were neatly tailored to fit. There was delicate, detailed, gold embroidery around the neck, placard, hem and cuffs and there were small, embroidered, gold flowers sprinkled across the body of the kameez. Yaz had covered her head in a matching scarf though it was in a softer, looser style than her normal utilitarian one and the whole ensemble suited her tiny frame. She wasn’t wearing any jewellery, though she never did – bracelets and necklaces would likely just irritate the scar tissue on her wrists, neck and chest and she only had one ear for earrings, the one she had lost was the one that had been pierced. But as a surprise, Umbreen had made her a small bag to go on the back of her wheelchair out of the excess shalwar fabric so she had a few bits in there in case things got too much, and of course, her compression vest hidden underneath her outfit.

“I’m going to go and get dressed, I’ll be back down in a minute” Yaz promised. Sonya had already curled her hair for her and it sat in large, loose curls, gleaming in the sunlight coming in through the window though she hadn't let Sonya anywhere near her with a make-up brush and had instead completed a subtler look herself, highlighting her eyes and somehow making them look bigger and more beautiful than they normally did in the Doctor’s opinion.

The Doctor gasped when Yaz came back down the stairs a few minutes.

“Wow Yaz… you look…” she fumbled for a moment, looking for the right word. “stunning.”

Yaz’s own outfit was a deep wine colour. The kameez was much more intricately embroidered than the Doctor’s own with deep bands of embroidery at the hem and again a couple of inches above it but the rest was also intricately embroidered with flower details. It was shorter than the Doctor’s own, only about mid thigh length with a scalloped hem. The shalwar were so wide they looked more like a skirt rather than trousers and were also delicately embroidered. Yaz had small, gold sandals on her feet and the bracelets that glittered at her wrists showed off the henna painted on her hands. The Doctor loved the large, gold earrings that dangled from her ears that looked like suns, they matched the ring on her hand and she watched, impressed as Yaz neatly wound her own scarf around her head and neatly pinned it into place while Alina made sure the back of the hijab covered the open back of her kameez so she was ready for the first part of the celebrations which were taking place in a mosque.

Alina had softened over the night and seemed to have become more comfortable with the Doctor’s presence. “I have to go now, I’ll see you there” she explained. She was ready to go, dressed in her own shalwar kameez in baby pink and embroidered with rose gold. Alina had to take her dads car back to him so her dad could drive their family while Hakim and Najia would be picking up Yaz, the Doctor and Sonya.

Alina kissed Yaz and Sonya, and to the Doctor’s great surprise, her as well on the cheek before leaving, lifting her skirts so they didn’t trail over the damp grass.

Alina was gone less than ten minutes when Hakim and Najia appeared. Najia looked gorgeous in a teal coloured outfit while Hakim was in beige with teal accents that matched Najia.

“Looking lovely girls” Najia complimented, greeting each of them with a hug. “Doctor you scrub up well!” she added, sounding impressed.

The Doctor blushed slightly, muttering her thanks. Ever since she had gotten sick, she had elected to wear joggers and jumpers. They were warm, comfortable, covered her scars and most of all, were easy for Yaz to get her in and out of when her body just refused to cooperate. Only in the last week or two, as she had become more able to dress herself again had she started to wear her own clothes again.

Yaz had forgotten that her dad had changed the car to a much bigger one and although the Doctor had made great progress with car transfers, the one she had found most difficult to master, there was no way she was getting into this one on her own and Najia helped Yaz lift her into the car which the Doctor tried hard not to be embarrassed about. Yaz climbed in beside her, sitting in the middle seat and Sonya got in the other side.

The drive to the mosque in a neighbouring town was about forty minutes and Yaz used the time to fill the Doctor in on what to expect from the ceremony. She had already done it, but the Doctor was already anxious and it helped to give her something to focus on. She was rubbing at her thigh with her knuckle and Yaz took her other hand reassuringly.

They arrived and parked without incident, the car park was already busy, and the Doctor and Yaz followed her parents in. They removed their shoes and performed ablutions and Hakim went through the men’s entrance and the women went through theirs where they were instantly greeted by friends and family. Yaz introduced the Doctor to a couple of people and was relieved to see her relax a little as she was welcomed warmly.

“We’re going to sit at the back” Yaz reminded the Doctor. She was hanging back from all the kissing and hugging though no one was paying them any particular attention now the greetings were over and people were standing around having a quick catch up before the ceremony.

“Should I sit on the floor?” the Doctor asked quietly noticing that there were a couple of much older women on chairs at the side but that everyone else was sat on the floor.

“Only if you want to. There’s no expectation for you to sit, stand bow or prostrate with us when we pray because you’re not Muslim so you can either sit in your chair or on the floor, whatever makes you most comfortable.”

Sonya appeared a moment later with a couple more of their cousins as Yaz helped the Doctor to the floor and Yaz quickly introduced them as they sat down together.

“I thought Muslim weddings didn’t have to happen in a mosque?” the Doctor whispered quietly.

“They don’t have to but Auntie Fareeda insisted. There’s a lot of overlap between what is a Muslim tradition and what is a Pakistani or local tradition. Where Auntie Fareeda comes from, the wedding must happen in the local mosque so here we are. It was Maira’s compromise, to do the ceremony Auntie’s way and the reception her and Imran’s way.”

The Doctor wasn’t sure what exactly she was expecting from the ceremony but thanks to the TARDIS translation circuits, she was at least able to understand the Arabic. She sat on the floor throughout with her legs crossed, her prosthetic being surprisingly anchoring while she did so and holding onto her knees while Yaz and her family moved around a lot more during the prayers and blessings. She couldn’t help but watch Yaz as she prayed; she looked peaceful and calm and completely at home and the Doctor couldn’t help but wonder why she didn’t attend more often, it seemed to make her happy. The ceremony was over much more quickly than the Doctor had been expecting and before she knew it, Yaz was helping her back into her wheelchair and they were heading out to the car to go to the hotel where the reception being held.

When they arrived at the hotel Yaz was worried. She could see some of the other guests, some she knew and some she didn’t, staring blatantly as Hakim pulled into one of the accessible spaces right outside the door and their jaws almost dropping as Yaz lifted the Doctor’s chair out of the boot and helped her into it. Thankfully the Doctor was so focused on not collapsing half way out of the car that Yaz wasn’t sure she noticed. They quickly pretended not to be staring as the group made their way into the hotel and were directed to tables; Sonya to the singles table (Ryan hadn't warranted an invite apparently), Najia and Hakim to a table with Hakim’s two brothers, sister and their spouses (but not Fareeda who was at the top table) and Yaz and the Doctor to another table where they were seated together. They were joined by some of Yaz’s other cousins and their spouses, actually Yaz realised, she and the Doctor were the only non-married couple at that table. And the only gay couple at the event. Her cousins were pleasant enough but boring and Yaz had little in common with them. Privately, she was hoping she and the Doctor could just talk to each other.

It hadn't escaped Yaz’s notice that the Doctor had quickly changed over their place cards over as they had arrived at the table. Yaz hadn't realised why until they were seated and she realised she was seated on the Doctor’s left meaning her cousin wasn’t going to have the opportunity to stare at the ruined side of her face. An attentive member of staff quickly removed the chair in the Doctor’s place and the Doctor took out her own cutlery and water bottle for the table.

Guests were still arriving, including some who hadn't been at the mosque. It looked like there would be close to three hundred people for dinner and apparently there were even more due later for the dancing. Yaz didn’t think she had ever even met that many people, let alone knew enough of them to invite to a wedding. Some were mingling in the lobby but most were coming in and sitting down as the food was due to be served soon. After food there would be the traditional speeches though not from the traditional people – the bride, groom, matron of honour and best man were all doing the honours and then dancing and a supper before everyone left.

After Yaz and the Doctor were seated, Najia hurried over and pulled Yaz aside, handing her a room key.

“What’s this?” Yaz asked, looking at it, confused.

“Your dad and I are staying here tonight but I thought you two might like the room during the day. If the Doctor needs to lie down for a while or just needs a time out because it’s all too much then you have that option.”

Yaz was touched, she didn’t talk to her mum about the Doctor’s needs in detail but Najia was perceptive, too perceptive sometimes, but this time it was definitely appreciated.

Yaz hugged her mum and slipped back into her seat beside the Doctor.

“What was that about?” the Doctor asked quietly.

Yaz explained, not missing the look of relief that passed over the Doctor’s face. Yaz had looked to see how much a room would cost them a while ago for exactly that purpose but had decided it just wasn’t in the budget at the time. It hadn't occurred to her to look again when the Doctor had turned out to have plenty of money, and if she was honest with herself, she was uncomfortable with the idea of spending it. It wasn’t hers to spend. If the Doctor had suggested to do it then that would have been fine.

As more and more guests filtered in, Yaz gave the Doctor a running commentary of who was who in her family. After they had been seated for about fifteen minutes, Maira and Imran arrived and everyone stood, clapping and cheering for the couple.

Thankfully, it was only a few minutes after Maira and Imran had arrived that servers in crisp white shirts started to appear with the soup. The Doctor tried not to groan. Soup and shaky hands she had no control over were not a good combination. Especially because it appeared to be a chunky vegetable - made up of a thin broth and chunks of seasonal vegetables – the combination of the thin liquid, floating chunks, mixed textures… it was not easy and not something she or Yaz would ever make for those reasons.

Yaz caught her hand under the table, squeezing it reassuringly.

“You don’t have to eat it.” she whispered, figuring out what had set the Doctor’s anxiety off like she always did.

“I don’t want to be rude.”

“It’s not rude. Your hands are as steady as they ever are today, give it a go and if it’s not working or you want help then that’s fine.”

The Doctor nodded, squeezing Yaz’s hands back. She appreciated what Yaz was saying but there was no way she would let Yaz feed her in such a public space. If she had been having a day that was so bad she couldn’t feed herself she would have simply refused to eat in public and would have eaten before they left the house. It was too humiliating when Yaz had to feed her.

One of the servers finally reached their table and served the other three couples first but hesitated over Yaz and the Doctor.

“Does she want soup?” she asked Yaz conspiratorially, indicating the Doctor.

“I’m sitting right here with a spoon in my hand” the Doctor answered for herself crossly. Really? Now? In front of Yaz’s family…

The server flushed red and put a bowl of soup hurriedly in front of the Doctor before hurrying away. _Good_ the Doctor couldn’t help but think. She was so sick of being treated as less than just because of her wheelchair. Using her teeth, she strapped her spoon to her hands, relieved that Yaz’s cousins seemed far more interested in eating than staring at her, while Yaz poured them both water – her own into a glass and the Doctor’s into her usual water bottle.

While Yaz talked politely with cousins she hadn't seen for years, the Doctor concentrated on eating without making a fool of herself. She lost a few drips of soup into the napkin on her lap but didn’t get any on her clothes or smeared around her face which was about as good as she could hope for.

When their soup was cleared it was soon replaced by roast chicken breast, roast potatoes and vegetables. The Doctor sighed, feeling a bit defeated, but didn’t complain when Yaz cut her chicken and potatoes for her and served vegetables along with her own without asking. It wasn’t like she could do either task herself and it was demeaning to ask for assistance with things most six year olds had mastered, she just hated that Yaz always seemed to have her needs at the front of her mind all the time, even if she never complained about it.

The food was fine, nothing special, and was soon replaced by sticky toffee pudding, followed by a brief lull where people ate cake and drank coffee before the speeches were due to start. The Doctor took the opportunity for a break and Yaz accompanied her upstairs to the ninth floor. She was okay so far, in general she was slightly less exhausted at the moment, but it would be a long day and there was no way she would make it through to the end without a nap. The bed was high and stacked with pillows and Yaz helped her up and pulled her shoes off for her as the Doctor settled herself onto the stacks of pillows. Now she was here… she was probably more tired than she had realised and she could feel her eyes drooping already.

“You don’t need to stay and watch me sleep” the Doctor told Yaz sleepily.

“I'm not going to; you have your bracelet on right?” Yaz checked, referring to the seizure alert bracelet the Doctor wore which was connected to Yaz’s phone. The Doctor nodded, already half gone. “I’ll wake you later for the dancing.” She promised.

“You’re not worried I’ll embarrass you?”

“Nah, you’re fun to tease but I’d rather dance with you, embarrassing dad dancing included, than not at all.”

“Is it still dad dancing if I’m a woman now?” she mumbled.

“Think it’s just a saying, not really related to gender.”

“Oh” the Doctor mumbled, losing her battle to keep her eyes open. “Wake me soon?”

“Go to sleep, I’ll wake you in time for the first dance” Yaz promised, kissing her lightly. 

Not quite two hours later, Yaz slipped back upstairs after the speeches and coffee and general mingling as the doors to the ballroom had been opened. Yaz gently shook the Doctor awake from where she was sleeping soundly on top of the covers.

The Doctor slowly came back online as Yaz described it, as one by one the different parts of her brain woke up.

“You alright?” 

“Just give me a minute.” She mumbled sluggishly, her words were wet and sticking in her mouth.

Yaz ran her fingers up and down the Doctor’s arm soothingly. “Take your time.”

She tried to say something else but just ended up dribbling saliva down her chin which Yaz wiped away for her.

“You're okay love. Take your time, I’m right here with you” she said softly.

The Doctor bucked slightly a couple of times under Yaz’s touch before settling and pushing herself into a sitting position.

“Better?”

“Much”

“You ready to go back down or you do you need more time?”

“No, I’m ready.” She eased herself over to the side of the bed and prepared to transfer down to her chair. Yaz placed a reassuring hand on the small of her back and she smiled as she realised how clearly she could feel it for a change as she inelegantly hoisted herself down the large space between the high, fancy bed and her much lower chair.

“Thanks” she smiled when she was settled and they headed out of the room.

It was when they exited the lift, hand in hand, that Yaz knew they were in trouble. Her Aunt Fareeda, the mother of the bride and her dad’s oldest sibling was marching towards them looking furious.

“Incoming” Yaz warned quietly, squeezing the Doctor’s hand supportively.

“Yasmin! What is the meaning of this!” her aunt hissed at her, her face like thunder.

“Asalam Alaykum Auntie” Yaz greeted politely. “It was a beautiful wedding, I know you worked very hard to plan it. I don’t think you’ve met my partner? This is Doctor Jane Smith.” She introduced and the Doctor offered her hand to shake which Fareeda ignored.

“You are disgracing your family Yasmin. You don’t wear a hijab. You join the police and now this? You are a bad girl.”

“I love Jane and she loves me. That is far more important than her gender.” Her Aunt might not have said specifically but Yaz was in no doubt what she was referring to.

“But why Yasmin? You are too young and too pretty to give up on men.” her aunt wheedled. “You start wearing the hijab and I know lots of men who would be interested in you.”

“Auntie I’m not interested in anyone else. I love Jane, she’s the only one for more.”

“Pffft” her aunt said rudely. “You are a silly little girl. You don’t know what you want. Your father should discipline you better. People will talk Yasmin, is that what you want? They’ll say you’re mentally defective and a degenerate. You will reflect badly on your whole family! How will Sonya find a good husband now?”

Yaz was slightly blindsided by the venom dripping from her aunts voice. She had never exactly enjoyed spending time with Fareeda and knew she could be prejudiced but it was something else to have her own family hating her so much.

“She’s not even Muslim Yasmin. What do your parents say about this?”

“I’m not Muslim” the Doctor interjected “but I respect people of all faiths and beliefs and fully support Yaz to demonstrate and practice her faith in any way she chooses.”

Fareeda ignored the Doctor in favour of rounding on Hakim who had just appeared, having noticed the scene and guessing what it was about.

“Hakim! What is the meaning of this!” she scolded her younger brother in Urdu. “You told me Yasmin was dating a doctor. I was expecting a nice young man. A good, Muslim man. What hold does she have over our Yasmin? She is manipulating her! Yasmin would never…”

“I am a Doctor and I would never manipulate Yaz.” the Doctor replied in fluent Urdu, enjoying the flabbergasted look on Fareeda’s face.

“Doctor, I didn’t know you spoke Urdu.” Hakim said in surprise.

“I speak lots of languages. I'm really clever.” The Doctor replied casually. She didn’t actually, just the TARDIS translation circuits kicking in automatically.

“Fareeda” Hakim rounded on his sister, speaking to her in the same no nonsense tone of voice Yaz remembered from her childhood when she would beg for another scoop of ice-cream or to not go to bed. “Najia and I are very proud of Yaz. She is a good girl who works hard and is a loving and committed relationship with a wonderful woman who we are very happy with. The Doctor is part of our family now and welcome in our home at any time and I will not let you speak to her like this. The Doctor will leave if you ask her to but Yaz, Sonya, Najia and myself will go with her.”

Yaz knew her Aunt would not want that, if all five of them disappeared people would notice and they would want to know why. They might even think that Fareeda had asked them to leave and that would never do.

Yaz wrapped her arm around the Doctor’s shoulder, rubbing it lightly, noticing that the other woman was beginning to shake.

“Come back inside with me Fareeda.” Hakim commanded, wrapping an arm around his older sisters’ shoulders and firmly steering her towards the ball room.

“Are you okay?” Yaz asked, her voice full of concern as she crouched in front of the Doctor. She was crying.

“I should be asking you that” she sniffed.

“I'm not the one in tears” Yaz pointed out. “I'm so sorry Doctor, I didn’t think it would be that bad.”

The Doctor wiped her eyes impatiently. “I'm not crying at what she said, she didn’t direct any of that at me. I'm upset for you, but I'm crying because of what your dad said.”

“What dad… that you're part of our family?”

The Doctor nodded, looking embarrassed.

“Doctor of course you are. Didn’t you know that?” Yaz asked in a bewildered tone, taking the Doctor over to a low sofa in a secluded corner and wrapping her arms around her tightly, rocking them both. “Of course you’re part of our family. I don’t come on my own, if you put up with me, you have to put up with mum, dad, Sonya and Nani… and very occasionally Fareeda.”

“Your mum said something like that to me once” the Doctor commented, sitting up.

“She did? When?”

“At Christmas, when she came over and you went to work and we made that Christmas cake.”

“Doctor… that was months ago! How could you not know by now?”

The Doctor had her face buried in Yaz’s neck and Yaz gently prized her off, forcing her to sit up.

“Doctor, I love you. You are my family. That means you’re not just stuck with me but with everyone else and for the record, they love you too. Especially mum. And don’t forget Ryan and Graham, he definitely sees you as one of his grandkids even if you are older than him. Please believe me when I tell you that. I know it’s a long time since you had a family but you do have one now.”

Yaz fished a tissue out of her bag and used it to wipe the Doctor’s face which was swollen from the crying and not quite sure to do next for the best. But their private moment was interrupted by Sonya. Bloody typical.

“Come on you two” she shouted at them. “The dancing is about to begin… wait, what’s happened, who died?” she asked, noticing the soggy mess of the Doctor’s face.

“Had a run in with Fareeda.”

“Ooh…, yeah I’ve been avoiding her all night.” Sonya said sympathetically. “What did she have a problem with this time?”

“Take your pick, my life choices, my work, being gay, dating a non-Muslim…”

“Interesting” mused Sonya. “I thought she would have picked up on the chair.”

“The Doctor wasn’t really in the firing line, it was mostly at me. Fareeda did try and shout at dad in Urdu because she thought the Doctor wouldn’t understand and there was a wonderful look on her face when the Doctor answered in Urdu.”

“You speak Urdu?” Sonya asked in surprise.

“Better than you do.” Yaz giggled, remembering how Sonya had always mucked around at the language classes as a child.

“So wait, why are you so upset if Yaz was in the firing line?”

“Your dad just said some really nice things about me” she said, her voice still a little choked with emotion.

“God you really are a sap. What did he say?”

“Reminded her that she is part of our family” Yaz answered when the Doctor didn’t.

“Oh well yeah” Sonya replied looking confused. “You’re basically my sister-in-law at this point. Note that you got an invite here and camping and Ryan didn’t get either.”

That was enough to set the Doctor off again and Yaz renewed the rocking motion.

“That’s probably because you never allow Ryan to spend any time with them…”

“Yeah whatever… Anyway dancing! You don’t want to miss it Doctor!” and she disappeared back into the ballroom.

The Doctor managed a wobbly smile. “Shall we Miss Khan?” she asked Yaz, offering her arm in a gentlemanly manner.

“Absolutely Doctor Smith” Yaz giggled, taking the offered arm and allowing herself to be steered to the ballroom where the first strains of the couples first dance were beginning to play.

The room was dark and crowded, with everyone standing around the large dance floor as Maira and Imran performed a simple, choreographed routine around the floor. The Doctor didn’t recognise the song they were dancing to as she concentrated on the grounding feel of Yaz’s arm in hers and on taking slow, deep, even breaths.

“You alright?” Yaz whispered, crouching down beside her.

The Doctor met her eye. “Yeah… just a lot” she gestured her arm vaguely, showing she meant the noise and the dark and the strobe lights and the general crowds. It was probably the most crowded situation she had been in since Before.

“What can I do?”

“Nothing, I’m fine, just don’t go anywhere.”

“Never” Yaz grinned, squeezing the Doctor’s arm lightly and the Doctor responded by resting her head against Yaz’s arm around her elbow which was where she could easily reach.

They both joined in with the applause when Maira and Imran took a bow at the end of their dance and opened the floor to everyone else and the Doctor only jumped a little. Yaz and the Doctor stayed where they were as about half of the guests took to the floor, others helped themselves to drinks or sat around at tables catching up with family members and friends they hadn't seen since the last wedding. Yaz spotted Sonya dancing with Alina in the far corner and not too far from them were her parents. Fareeda was sitting at a table with her husband, scowling.

“Oh I know this one!” the Doctor announced, surprised, after about six songs had played. She and Yaz had been sitting together, observing and Yaz had had her head on the Doctor’s shoulder, studiously avoiding her aunt’s disapproving glare.

“Really?” Yaz asked with her eyebrows raised. “You didn’t know Dancing Queen by Abba but you know Happy by Pharell?”

“It’s a song all about being happy Yaz, of course I know it. I love being happy!”

“I love it when you're happy too. Dance with me?”

“Umm… okay…” the Doctor agreed nervously, flicking off the brakes on her chair.

Yaz grabbed her hands and pulled her out onto the dance floor, already moving to the music.

“Relax Doctor, nobody’s watching us, have fun.”

The Doctor still looked anxious and Yaz released one of her hands so she could move her chair but kept a tight hold of the other one.

The Doctor took a deep breath, her now free hand automatically drifting towards her tyre, and looked into Yaz’s face. Yaz looked so happy and relaxed and excited and suddenly the Doctor was able to forget that there were other people there because being with Yaz and dancing with her was all she wanted to do right now. She forced the rest of the room to melt away and concentrate on having fun.

“Have you been practicing?” Yaz panted as the song came to an end. She and the Doctor had been dancing energetically together, twirling and moving and spinning and the Doctor had, without a doubt, improved since the last time they had danced together.

She blushed. “Maybe a little…”

“Seriously? When? How?”

“Ryan, Graham and Sonya helped me, those few days were you working a sixty hour shift, I didn’t want to embarrass you.”

“You didn’t have to do that… but I love that you care so much” Yaz said, cupping her girlfriends face and kissing her softly.

“Of course I care.”

“Wait… is that why you were so tired that night and Ryan said you had been playing basketball?”

“Guilty” the Doctor admitted sheepishly.

Yaz laughed. “I knew he was lying to me!”

“Don’t be mad at him, he only did it because I asked him to.”

“I’m not mad you muppet, he’s a great friend but you are an even better girlfriend.”

For the next two hours Yaz and the Doctor danced together, having fun and ignoring the curious stares of some of the onlookers. They had a few breaks where they downed icy glass of lemonade to try and cool themselves down before quickly heading back to the dance floor. For a blissful period of time it was like none of their problems had melted away into the music and they were able to just be together, like any other couple without any of the extra challenges they faced.

As the evening wore on, the upbeat disco music gave way to slower tunes designed for couple dancing.

“There was something else Ryan and I practiced” the Doctor panted as she and Yaz took another break, sitting at a table.

“Oh yeah…”

“I didn’t want to say earlier, I wasn’t sure I would be able to… I mean I never know what kind of day…”

“Doctor stop rambling and just tell me” Yaz interrupted.

“Right… I wanted to dance with you properly.”

“You have been dancing with me properly” Yaz replied, confused.

“No, I mean I wanted to stand up and slow dance with you, only if you want to I mean and if you think you can hold me up and we don’t have to I just wanted you to know that I'm still trying and…”

“Doctor, I would love to.”

The Doctor once again offered Yaz her arm and led her out to the dance floor as the song ended and she moved her feet to the floor, undid her seat belt and shuffled forwards as the first bars of Yellow by Coldplay started to play.

Yaz bent her knees, allowing the Doctor to wrap her arms around Yaz’s shoulders and Yaz wrapped her own around the Doctor’s waist and pulled her into a standing position.

And for a change the Doctor wasn’t dizzy when she stood and her knees weren’t threatening to buckle underneath her and the whole world, no the whole universe, felt right as she slowly swayed, arm in arm with Yasmin Khan.

_Look at the stars, look how they shine for you. And everything you do…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaz:  
> https://www.mirraw.com/designers/vasu-sarees/designs/wine-embroidered-net-salwar-wedding-salwar-kameez--5190f9ee-3727-463e-9e02-9114bd2a9411
> 
> The Doctor:  
> https://www.mirraw.com/designers/zelly/designs/navy-blue-embroidered-faux-georgette-salwar-wedding-salwar-kameez--726ecaf4-4c70-4cf2-a5e6-25ee58634696


	77. Chapter 77

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So about five minutes ago I was thinking about how nice it was that nothing terrible had happened on my birthday this year and then in the process of transferring this chapter to upload I accidentally deleted it instead! Thankfully the problem has been solved and I have published a birthday chapter! Yay! It's not as cheerful as I thought and they didn't quite make it camping but they will! Hope you enjoy!

“I am _so_ proud of you!” Yaz whispered, cupping the Doctor’s face gently and kissing her, ignoring the hot, salty tears that were running down her cheek. She was standing with her back to the wall in the living room and the Doctor had just walked, actually _walked_ about six paces to stand in front of her. She was panting with exertion, fully supported by the walker, locked prosthetic knee and KAFO brace while Ryan was right behind her, supporting some but not all of her weight. “Do you think you can do it again, back the other way?”

The Doctor nodded, a look of steely determination on her face. “Help me turn.”

Ryan used the gait belt and pivoted her round while Yaz manoeuvred the walker carefully while the Doctor continued to hold on tightly. It was a bit of a palaver getting her turned round but they managed it and Yaz moved to the other side of the room to wait for her.

On the one hand, Yaz was unbelievably proud of the progress the Doctor had made; from lying in bed totally helpless, unable to move or speak and entirely reliant on her friends for everything to very slowly regaining a little independence and using a wheelchair full time to now taking her first steps. On the other hand, watching what had once been a strong and powerful figure strapped and secured into hardware, being physically held up by her friends and struggling just to shuffle a few jerky steps across the room was heart-breaking.

It took the Doctor several minutes to manage what for Yaz had been just six steps accomplished without a second thought and by the time she made it she looked like she might pass out at any moment. Yaz and Ryan took hold of her under one arm each and lowered the Doctor back into her waiting wheelchair. She was still a long way from getting rid of it, if she ever could.

Yaz helped the Doctor out of the uncomfortable leg brace but left her prosthetic on and the three of them had a break for tea and custard creams. As Ryan made the tea, Yaz cleared the table of the boxes that were stacked on it.

“Why did I agree to go camping the week before we move house?” Yaz groaned as she loaded two of the smaller, lighter boxes onto the Doctor’s lap for her to put… somewhere. They were living in a state of utter chaos as they slowly packed up their (mostly Yaz’s) belongings into boxes to move to the new house in amidst trying to pack for their camping trip with Yaz’s family. The Doctor’s limited ability to get around the house had become even more curtailed, as despite Yaz’s best efforts, there were boxes stacked all over the place. Full ones were in the garage along with the boxes from the vault that had arrived. They had made the decision to not even look at those until they were moved and Yaz was very much hoping there were no more nasty surprises inside them.

The fridge was covered in lists written in Yaz’s neat hand which only seemed to get longer; lists of jobs that needed done, things to pack for camping, things that needed done for the new house like getting utilities sorted and the Doctor’s physiotherapy schedule so she always knew what was coming. Not knowing usually led to a meltdown and the loss of an entire day at least. There was also a schedule up of what was happening in the next two weeks, patiently drawn up by Yaz to show their camping trip, the two days after the trip that Yaz, Ryan, Graham, Hakim, Sonya and the Doctor would be using to paint the house and relieve it of it’s fussy, floral wallpaper, the two days after that where there was a large delivery of Ikea furniture arriving for the same group to build and then the moving day itself. Yaz was very glad she had been able to take two weeks of annual leave. That, coupled with the way her schedule had fallen naturally, meant that hopefully she would have the best part of a week to get the Doctor settled into their new home after everything was (hopefully) done. She honestly couldn’t fathom how that was going to go.

Having managed to clear just enough space on the table for the three mugs of tea and packet of biscuits and with Yaz sitting on a box they were able to take their well earned break.

“How’s the packing going?” Ryan asked casually.

“Don’t even ask. We keep losing stuff.” Yaz groaned.

The Doctor sipped the tea in her travel mug sheepishly. Only that morning she had had a complete meltdown after losing something that was probably already packed. Only, she had got herself into such a state that she hadn't been able to tell Yaz what it was that was lost and by the time she had regained control of herself, she had forgotten what had been lost in the first place.

“Can I do any more to help?” Ryan offered instantly, for which Yaz was profoundly grateful. But he had already spent an entire day in Ikea with them, choosing furniture and putting up with the Doctor’s volatile mood that day and he had been first to offer his services for painting and furniture building.

“I think we’re okay Ryan but thanks. Once we’ve done some floor work we need to pack up our car, I need to drop some stuff in with Jennifer and then we’re spending the night at mum and dads so that the car can be fully packed tonight and we can get an early start in the morning.

“Is that all the stuff for your car out in the hall?”

“Yeah most of it, still need some medical equipment to collect from upstairs.”

Beside her, the Doctor hung her head in embarrassment. 

Yaz squeezed her knee gently under the table. “No shame remember?” she whispered.

The Doctor took another sip of her tea, effectively hiding her face, in response.

Yaz gently relieved her of the now empty mug.

“You ready to move on?”

The Doctor nodded and pushed back from the table towards the centre of the room. The furniture had come with the house so it wasn’t going anywhere but they had pushed the sofa and coffee table up against the wall so they weren’t in the way.

In the middle of the room, Yaz put a yoga mat on the floor and held the Doctor tightly under her left arm. The Doctor put her feet on the floor, undid her seatbelt and shuffled forwards. She reached out and, leaning down, put her right hand securely on floor. With just a little support from Yaz she was able to lower herself to the floor in a relatively controlled manner and land neatly with her knees under her chin.

“You’re getting really good at that” Ryan commented, surprised. He hadn't seen her do it since their first attempts about ten days ago and she had improved a lot. The Doctor didn’t acknowledge the compliment, but she smiled slightly as she shifted onto the mat, stretched her legs out in front of her and lay down flat on her back. 

Ryan watched as Yaz pushed the Doctor through a punishing series of passive stretches, the same ones they had done at the gym the day before.

“How many times a day do you guys do that routine?” he asked, internally wincing as he watched Yaz expertly roll the Doctor’s hip so it was at a ninety degree angle and her knee was flat on the ground. There was no way he could do that.

“At least twice, usually three or four.” Grunted the Doctor as Yaz pushed the stretch just a little further and then brought her leg back to a neutral position.

When Yaz had stretched her fully the Doctor was able to roll onto her front, a skill she had finally mastered independently, and Yaz wedged a block of foam under her hips for her to do press ups. Press ups were followed by sit ups and then a new activity suggested by Ryan. It required the Doctor to sit up as straight as she could manage with her legs stretched out in front of her and no back support. Yaz gave her a slight prod in her back to encourage her to sit up straight and counteract the curl in her spine that happened automatically without appropriate support. Ryan was on his knees in front of her with boxing pads on each hand and the Doctor needed to work on hitting him as hard as she could, crossing the midline by touching her right hand to Ryan’s right hand and left to left, all without toppling over. It was harder than it looked. 

Although the Doctor’s arms were considerably stronger than they had been with all the transfers and physio she was doing now, her punches were weak and her entire body trembled with the effort of simply sitting up straight, let alone managing anything else.

“Ack” she gave a noise somewhere between an annoyed squeak and a grunt as she toppled over and didn’t manage to catch herself, landing half on her side and half on her back with one arm trapped underneath her. She lay still, frustrated and defeated.

“Sit up.” Yaz commanded gently.

The Doctor huffed and gave a half-hearted attempt to push herself back into a sitting position and then slumped back down.

“Sit up Doctor.” Yaz’s voice was firmer this time.

The Doctor groaned but did manage to push herself all the way up and find her balance on the second attempt.

Yaz switched places with Ryan and took a light hold of the Doctor’s wrists, pulling her forward so the Doctor could then push herself into a sitting position, sort of like a reverse sit up. When the Doctor had done a set of ten it was time for her to do her least favourite part – crawling and moving around the floor. Yaz knew the Doctor found it incredibly demeaning but it was both good exercise and for building her muscles, and in an emergency it could potentially keep her safe. It wasn’t easy for her, her hips kept collapsing underneath her when she attempted to crawl on all fours and when she did the bum shuffle her knees kept going sideways.

When she was done, it was time to get back into her wheelchair, a skill she was finding much harder to learn than getting out of it. 

Yaz deliberately didn’t help her as the Doctor crawled back across the room to get to her chair and positioned herself with her back to it, tucking her knees up under her chin. She still had the gait belt on and Ryan and Yaz took hold of either side, for balance and reassurance only. The Doctor needed to learn how to do this on her own, no matter how difficult and undignified it was. And getting in and out of her chair to the floor was vital for Yaz to be able to leave her alone for longer periods of time. With her friends in position the Doctor started by holding the frame of her chair and started by pulling herself onto the footplate and then moving her hands further up to hoist herself into her chair. It was hard work, undignified and she was panting and sweaty, her trousers half pulled down by the time she made it. But she had done it, almost entirely independently, with Ryan and Yaz only taking a small amount of her weight. With practice, she would be able to do it without any help or supervision and lift her hips clearly over the chair so she didn’t have to wriggle back into her trousers like she was currently doing.

“Are you ladies sure you don’t need any help?” Ryan asked once the Doctor was safely in her wheelchair.

“We’re fine Ryan” Yaz reassured him. “Besides aren’t you taking my sister out tonight?”

“Yeah I am, but I can still help you.”

“We’ve taken enough of your day Ryan” the Doctor interrupted. Now she was in her chair her body was shaking with tiredness.

“You never take, I like hanging out with you guys” Ryan argued as he hugged her tightly and then Yaz. “Have a great holiday, I’ll probably see you later when I drop Sonya off.”

“Bye Ryan, don’t keep her out too late” Yaz joked.

Ryan rolled his eyes and waved as he fished through his pocket looking for his keys.

“Do you want to take five and I’ll get what we need from upstairs?” Yaz asked the Doctor as the front door clicked shut behind Ryan.

“Do you mind?” the Doctor asked guiltily.

She had finally started to dispense with her daily sleep in the middle of the afternoon, not everyday but some days. Now it had started to depend more on how active she had been in the morning and they were coupling it with heading to bed earlier.

“No, of course not. I can bring you up if you need to sleep properly for a bit.”

The Doctor considered. “No, I don’t think so, but I’ll take a few minutes on the sofa.”

“No worries love, I’ll wake you when we need to go out if you fall asleep.”

Yaz left her to it and headed upstairs with one of her lists from the fridge. The one with the long list of medical supplies, and she slowly started gathering them up and balancing them on the bed. She wasn’t entirely sure when they had amassed quite so many and yet all of them seemed so indispensable. Yaz dreaded to think about how much medication she would probably have to be thinking about if the Doctor were human. Really she probably should be on something – for the PTSD, controlling her seizures, managing her pain, maybe something that could help her gain weight instead of losing it, the anxiety, she just had so many problems. But she was absolutely adamant that she didn’t want any drugs and Yaz had no idea what would be safe to give her anyway.

Half an hour later, after checking her list at least four times, Yaz started ferrying the bits and pieces up and down the stairs and stacking them in the hall. The Doctor was lying on the sofa half awake, it wasn’t like she could help with that bit anyway but by the time Yaz had everything downstairs she had dragged herself up and was ready to help load the car.

“Haven’t you gone a bit overboard?” the Doctor asked, indicating the oxygen tank that was balanced on her lap as she handed it over to Yaz. “I haven’t needed oxygen for ages.”

“I know and I'm sure we won't need it, but it doesn’t take much room and I really don’t want to risk not having it if you do need it.”

The Doctor didn’t pass any further comment although she didn’t look too happy as she went and collected another box.

She passed it to Yaz to balance on top of her walking frame but flushed bright red when she spotted the contents.

“Yaz I don’t want… I don’t… no.” she stuttered, spying the catheter supplies in the box along with the First Aid Kit and the supplies they were using to look after a sore spot above her tail bone before it became a full blown pressure sore.

Yaz secured the box and turned round to face the Doctor, sitting on the edge of the boot. The other woman looked like she might cry.

“Hey look at me…” Yaz demanded, her voice soft and gentle. “I know we haven’t used them for a while and we almost certainly won't need them but we’ll be out and about with my family a lot or stuck in a small tent and we just don’t know what access to facilities we’ll have. I'm not envisaging a situation where something has gone sufficiently wrong or you’ve taken so unwell that you can't use the bathroom but after the last couple of months we both know anything is possible and I’d rather be safe than sorry. No one needs to know they’re there except us, I certainly won't tell anyone. You keep one in the bag on your chair normally anyway, this is just a few extra.” 

“Is there anything else you’ve packed but not consulted me on?” the Doctor asked, her previous good mood apparently now gone.

“It’s not like I’ve hidden the list Doctor, it’s been stuck on the fridge for a week but I don’t think so, no. Do you want to check it?”

“No” she muttered, flicking her wheels and heading back into the house, embarrassed and upset. Her brain was… swimming and there was no way she would be able to read the list at the moment.

Yaz let her go and concentrated on filling the rest of the car both with medical supplies and basic camping supplies for the two of them including the high quality camping mat made of lots of individual air pockets that would hopefully prevent the Doctor from getting pressure sores, a new sleeping bag for the Doctor – Yaz’s own was at her parents house – clothes, coats, shoes and all the miscellaneous items like phone chargers. The campsite had plenty of electrical points even for the tents so they would thankfully be able to run an extension lead in. Knowing Sonya, she would be using it for hair straighteners.

By the time she had emptied the hallway of what seemed to be half their belongings and checked her lists just one more time to be sure, it was really time for them to get going. Yaz walked inside to find the Doctor which didn’t turn out to be difficult as she was in the middle of the living room floor with her head in her hands, rocking back and forth.

“Doctor?”

She didn’t respond other than to let out a low groan.

“I'm coming up behind you on your left” Yaz narrated softly as she moved closer to her girlfriend, anxious not to scare her. She reached out gently for the Doctor’s arm and crouched down in front of her.

“M’sorry I snapped at you Yaz.”

“Okay”

“I just… I didn’t… I hate… I didn’t want…”

She groaned again as her words refused to come out the way they were supposed to.

“I know” Yaz replied. “I want this trip to be as relaxing and stress free as possible. For me that means I have to think of every possible scenario in my head and deal with it before we leave. Then I know if something happens, we have everything we need to deal with it. I didn’t pack them just to upset you.”

“I know.” The Doctor stuttered. She was pale and shaking.

“What do you need?” Yaz asked her gently.

“Tight.” The Doctor mumbled.

Yaz brought her over to the sofa, helped her onto it and held her as close as she could, wrapping her arms and legs around the Doctor like an octopus, feeling the other woman shake beneath her.

“You're okay. You're safe, I’ve got you” Yaz repeated over and over again in her ear. The trembling didn’t stop but the small noises of distress did, and her breathing evened out.

Yaz held her tight until the Doctor pulled away of her own accord.

“I'm okay, I can go now.” She said finally.

“You sure? You need anything first? We won't be back for a few days.”

The Doctor shook her head. “I’m fine. I’m ready.”

Yaz kissed her lightly and helped her transfer back into her chair. The Doctor headed out to the car while Yaz did a last minute check that the doors and windows were locked before loading the Doctor’s chair into the car for her.

“I don’t think I’ll be too long with Jennifer, are you coming with me? She’ll probably offer us a cup of coffee.”

The Doctor considered for a moment. If Yaz just dropped the paperwork off, it was hardly worth the effort of getting out of the car and into her chair, only to repeat the process in reverse a moment later but if, as Yaz said, they were offered a cup of coffee, they might be as much as an hour or more and she didn’t want to be sitting in the car all that time or make Yaz think she couldn’t agree to socialise with the woman who was equal parts boss, mentor and friend.

“I’ll come” she agreed, annoyed that because she was still trembling Yaz had to help her out of the car. It was so frustrating that she was having to fight constantly to learn to control her body again, to retrain her brain to do every tiny thing she used to be able to do without thinking and yet even with all the hard work and effort she was putting in, the smallest thing could upset her completely like pushing herself a little too hard in physio or not eating or getting upset and then her body would be even more useless than it normally was. Like right now.

Yaz and the Doctor had visited Jennifer at home once before, early in January. The Doctor had been walking then but now she was very appreciative of Lucy’s ramp, it was rare she visited someone else’s home because they were generally inaccessible. Graham and Ryan’s was the worst. Yaz’s parents wasn’t too bad, but the doors and hallway were narrow and her wheelchair didn’t fit into the bathroom. Even their own wasn’t particularly good with the bathroom upstairs meaning she had to rely on someone to take her there.

While the Doctor had been musing, Yaz had knocked on the door and Jennifer had invited them in and the Doctor could already hear the kettle.

Yaz shook her shoulder lightly. “You okay?” she asked worriedly.

“What… yeah I’m fine, sorry, zoned out.”

Yaz led her inside, looking at her suspiciously like she didn’t really believe her and the Doctor made a concentrated effort to look more focused than she felt.

By the time the two women made it to the kitchen Jennifer had produced cake from nowhere and the Doctor watched, her head full of fuzz, as she flitted round the kitchen. Yaz had wandered over to the table to say hi to Lucy who was squealing excitedly, and the noise was going straight through the Doctor’s skull. It was too… everything… and she quickly excused herself to the bathroom, brushing off Yaz who was asking if she needed help, but she remembered that the ensuite attached to Lucy’s bedroom was fully accessible.

“Is Jane alright?” Jennifer asked Yaz quietly. She had just asked the Doctor four times how she took her tea and received no response as the Doctor has stared vacantly into space.

“I'm not sure” Yaz admitted. “She had a meltdown this morning, couldn’t tell me what she wanted and by the time I got her calm she’d forgotten. Then in physio this morning she walked for the first time but she didn’t seem particularly excited and then to top it off she got upset just before we left the house because I packed catheters and she doesn’t want to bring them.”

“She walked? Yaz that’s fantastic! You must be over the moon.”

“I am, but I was disappointed by her reaction. And I'm not sure if she was pushed too hard because she hasn’t stopped shaking since then.”

“That happens a lot though doesn’t it?”

“Yeah” Yaz admitted. “But then she got so upset with me over the packing.”

“Do you think she’ll need the catheters?”

“I hope not, she hasn’t used them in a while, she needed them when she was bed bound and until she was able to sit independently because she obviously couldn’t sit on the toilet. I'm not anticipating her being sufficiently incapacitated that she can't use the loo but if she does need them and we don’t have them it’s a problem.”

“Is she still having a hard time accepting things?” Jennifer asked sympathetically.

Yaz sighed. “Yeah I think so. When she got sick again our friends were relieved at how well she took things but I knew it was too good to be true. It’s weird, she’s happy enough to do physio and she usually works hard during sessions but she’s not champing at the bit either. And she’ very resistant to anything that might help her, like she wants to walk but she hates the brace and walking frame even though she can’t possibly do it on her own yet. But then she seems happy enough with her wheelchair. I don’t know… she’s very passive, like all the fight has gone out of her.”

“Do you think she could be depressed?” Jennifer probed gently.

“I mean, it’s possible. But I don’t think so. I think she's afraid, but I can't work out what of. I'm not even sure she knows. She says she's fine but ever since my cousins wedding four weeks ago, I don’t know, she's just not right.”

“What do your friends think?”

“They don’t see it. They think she's fine but I’m sure there’s something… She’s been gone a long time, I’m going to check on her, do you mind?”

“No, not at all. There’s a key on Lucy’s windowsill in the pink fairy cup that’ll unlock the bathroom from the outside if you need it.”

Yaz wandered down the hallway and knocked lightly on the bathroom door. There was no answer and she knocked again.

“Doctor, it’s Yaz, you okay?”

There was no answer but Yaz could hear something that she couldn’t place but it didn’t sound like someone using the bathroom.

She knocked once more but there was still no answer.

“Doctor, I’m going to unlock the door and come in now.” Yaz called, helping herself to the key and unlocking the door. 

The Doctor was in the middle of the room, facing away from the door. She was bent double at the waist and pulling at her hair, her scarf abandoned to the ground and groaning softly.

Yaz knew the Doctor couldn’t help it, her brain was basically swiss cheese after the obscene amount of drugs she’d had forced into her system and all the violent blows to the head, and the brain infection really hadn't helped. But sometimes, a small part of Yaz really wished they weren’t having to deal with all the problems that came with it constantly. But the thought made her feel guilty and selfish, it wasn’t as if the Doctor was choosing to behave in the way she was. Her life would be so much simpler if she had never met the Mhufeist, but she had and no amount of wishing would change things, so their only option was to deal with the consequences. Together.

“Hey, can you talk to me?” Yaz asked softly.

“I'm fine” the Doctor stuttered after a minute, not sitting up or looking at Yaz who had crouched down and had her hand on the Doctor’s back.

Yaz frowned at her. She most certainly was not fine, and her words were slurring badly.

“What do you need?”

The Doctor didn’t answer but she kept pulling at her hair and Yaz gently untangled her hand from it, disturbed by the amount of blonde hairs that came away.

“Would you like to leave? We can go straight to mum and dads and you can nap in my bed?”

“I don’t… I need… What about…”

“Jennifer won't mind if we leave, you know that. And mum and dad won't mind if you lie down. It’s been a hectic day so far.”

The Doctor sat up a little and rested her head against Yaz’s shoulder and Yaz wrapped her arms around her girlfriend’s back more securely, enveloping her in a warm embrace and rubbing a circle across the Doctor’s shoulder blades.

“I'm okay, we can stay for coffee seeing as Jennifer made it.”

“Are you sure?” Yaz confirmed. “You are allowed to say something is too much and leave, it’s part of self care.”

“I’m fine Yaz, promise I’ll tell you if I'm not.”

The Doctor slowly sat herself up and pushed herself out of the bathroom and back to the kitchen. Jennifer had pulled another chair away from the table and the Doctor slipped into it, staring resolutely at the table and concentrating on drinking her tea without spilling it down her front as her shaking hands were threatening to do.

She could hear Yaz and Jennifer chatting. They didn’t exclude her as such but Yaz always seemed to know when she just couldn’t... Her brain was buzzing like it was full of bees and she couldn’t concentrate on any more than drinking her tea. Across the table, Lucy was bubbling over with excitement as Jennifer gave her miniscule licks of chocolate icing from her finger. She squealed for more between each lick and the Doctor jumped every time. Thankfully though, Yaz didn’t prolong things and as soon as she had finished her own cup of coffee she politely excused them both and the Doctor followed her out to the car.

Yaz ended up having to push the Doctor up to her parents flat. She had fallen asleep in the car and in the intervening time seemed to have lost all sense of coordination. Yaz didn’t even stop to take her shoes off or hug her mum and instead took the Doctor straight through to her childhood bedroom where thankfully, there were clean sheets on the bed. The Doctor was only half awake and Yaz relieved her of her shoe and jacket before scooping her up and settling her onto the bed. She borrowed a couple of spare pillows from the hot press and propped the Doctor on her side, making sure she was safe. She put the Doctor’s phone on the cushion of her wheelchair and positioned the chair close enough for her to reach if she needed it. Kissing her lightly, Yaz double checked she was wearing her seizure alert bracelet and tiptoed out of the bedroom, carefully leaving the door ajar behind her and coming face to face with Najia.

“Everything alright?” Najia asked, looking worried.

“She’s fine, just pushed a bit too hard during therapy this morning I think, I’m sure she’ll be back to her normal self after she’s napped.”

“Does she need anything?”

“Just to be left alone and some peace and quiet.”

“Then shouldn’t you close the door?”

“Need to be able to hear her. I have a monitor at home but don’t have it with us.”

“Okay…” Najia didn’t look convinced. “Can you help me transfer all your stuff from your car to your dads?”

“Depends, Sonya still here?”

“Yeah, what’s that got to do with anything.”

“Need her to listen out just.” Yaz explained.

There was no way she was going to stand eighteen stories down in a carpark and leave the Doctor on her own. In this state, if she woke she would probably be very confused about where she was and how she had got there and that was assuming she wasn’t distressed or having a seizure which Yaz was pretty sure was a distinct possibility at this point. Her brain was definitely misfiring and Yaz could hear her give a little moan in her sleep every time one of her limbs spasmed.

Yaz quickly knocked on her sisters door and explained what she needed. A reluctant and mildly terrified looking Sonya agreed to listen out for anything that didn’t sound right as she sat at her dressing table doing her make up for her date with Ryan and Yaz headed down to the car park with Najia.

Hakim’s car was already packed and ready to go. The boot was pretty full with expert, Tetris style packing and the box that fitted to the back of the car was full as well and already padlocked shut, however the roof rack was only partially filled, there was some room in the boot and the back seat was spacious so there would be room for stuff around their feet.

“Would the Doctor be more comfortable in the front seat beside your dad tomorrow?” Najia asked thoughtfully.

“Probably” Yaz shrugged. “But she won't, I don’t think she would cope sitting next to him all day.”

“Your dad would never do anything to make her feel uncomfortable.”

“I know he would never do it on purpose mum, and the Doctor knows too, but she doesn’t know him particularly well and she still has serious issues around being close to men. She wouldn’t sit next to Graham for that length of time either, might tolerate Ryan but only might.”

“Is she gonna cope with camping? She doesn’t seem too well.” Najia asked, lifting a duffle bag full of Yaz’s clothes and personal items and storing it in the roof rack.

“I fully expect her to be fine tomorrow. If she isn’t, we’ll join you the next day.”

“Is there anything we can do to help? Sonya mentioned how hard she found staying at Ryan’s those few nights you were on that long case.”

“She finds it hard to be away from our house but its good for her to get out. She has nightmares most nights and may or may not wake you. Usually they’re just crying but occasionally she’ll scream in her sleep until I can wake her. You don’t need to worry, I can deal with them, if I need help, I’ll call you.”

“Anything else we should know about?”

Najia had stopped unpacking the car and was holding the oxygen tank looking anxious.

“I mean besides the everyday that you see when we’re all together the more extreme I suppose you could refer to them as are meltdowns, panic attacks or seizures.”

“Tell me about them.”

Yaz sighed. “A meltdown, essentially it’s a tantrum except she’s not a toddler. It happens when everything overwhelms her and there’s just too much going on in her brain. It’s not anger, though it can come across that way, it’s more like a pressure cooker. It’s related to her brain injury where as a panic attack is different and is related to the PTSD, you’ve seen that before, the first time she came over and dad got too close to her and she hid in the bathroom. Both still happen but not as regularly and she’s much better at removing herself from triggering situations or taking a break to calm down. Seizures, from what I understand, hers are pretty severe compared to what most people experience, I'm pretty good at recognising the signs though she isn’t.”

“How often do they happen?” Najia asked. This sounded like a lot of information to remember. “And what do we do if she has one and you’ve popped to the shop or are in the shower block or something?”

“I probably wouldn’t leave her if I thought one was coming” Yaz admitted. “But I can talk you all through seizure first aid for her later if it'll make you feel better.”

“I think it’s important for us all to know Yaz, she has a lot of problems but if you share them with us, we can help you.”

Yaz and Najia worked together to finish loading up the car. The medical equipment in particular took a lot of space and Yaz was already anxious about how on earth they were going to fit the Doctor’s wheelchair in, the only thing not already packed.

When the two women made it back upstairs, the house was fragrant with cooking smells and Hakim was busy in the kitchen, making his terrible pakora just for the Doctor, it was her favourite.

Najia rounded up her other daughter and her husband and brought them through to the living room while Yaz checked on the Doctor – she was still sound asleep, her cheeks flushed pink though she wasn’t warm when Yaz checked her temperature and was still twitching uncomfortably.

“Right Yaz” Najia ordered. “Tell us about these seizures.”

Yaz found herself suddenly feeling very self-conscious even though it was only her parents and sister. “Right, well they’re different for everyone but for the Doctor, she has some pretty distinctive warning signs that one is imminent. Her speech will go so she’ll be really slurred, much more than normal and you might not be able to understand her. She’ll be confused and might keep asking for the same information. She’ll have a headache, might be irritable or angry. Probably shaky, her limbs might be having spasms. That stage can last for a while before the seizure actually happens.”

“So what do you do when she's like that?” Hakim asked sensibly.

“Reassure her. If she asks me what day it is thirty times I tell her, it’s easier to just keep an eye on her. I’ll try and persuade her to lie down but she won't usually, she’ll refuse to believe anything’s wrong so I just monitor her closely. The watch she always wears isn’t a watch, it’s a seizure monitoring bracelet and it’s connected to my phone so if she has a seizure, even if I'm not there I’ll know about it as soon as it happens. It monitors things like if she stops breathing and how long it lasts…”

“Whoa stops breathing?” Najia asked, looking frightened.

“Yeah, she doesn’t always, but it can happen. When a seizure starts her entire body will go tense, you need to get her out of her wheelchair and onto the ground. Put a pillow or your coat under her head, if you don’t have anything with you, put her head on your thigh. You’ll end up with bruises but better that than her ending up with a head injury. Don’t put your hands under her head, she’ll break your fingers. You need to roll her onto her side because she produces a lot of excess saliva and she’ll choke on it otherwise. She might make noises that sound like she’s being strangled, it’s scary but not dangerous for that to happen. But there’s really nothing you can do except let her ride it out. Try not to panic, she can hear you so talking to her can keep her calm.”

“Don’t you normally give her oxygen or something?” asked Sonya, remembering the cannister that was in her sisters bedroom.

“If she starts to go blue around her lips or fingers then yes. Put the mask over her face and mouth and turn the dial to six.”

“Doesn’t she need an ambulance?”

“No, there’s nothing a hospital can do for her mum. She has brain damage, seizures happen and they’re a part of our lives now. Best we can do is deal with them as they happen. Trust me mum, we’re doing everything we can.”

Yaz demonstrated to her family the safest way to get the Doctor out of her chair and onto the floor and how to roll her and hold her there safely before Hakim excused himself to make the dinner and Sonya received a text from Ryan to let her know he was outside. Privately, Hakim never wanted to have to witness one of these seizures, they sounded horrific and the thought of one happening without his daughter, who was eerily calm about the whole thing, was even worse.

When Hakim’s pakora was ready Yaz went and woke the Doctor. It took her several minutes to wake up, slowly coming online, at least to an extent. She was still shaky and confused as Yaz lifted her out of bed and into her wheelchair.

“You with me love?” Yaz asked, squeezing the Doctor’s hands tightly in an attempt to ground her a little more.

“Hmmm” the Doctor mumbled.

“We’re in my parents house remember?” Yaz prompted her. “Dad’s made his terrible pakora just for you and when you’ve eaten something you can go back to bed and sleep properly.”

The Doctor blinked at her and her head jerked a little. Yaz couldn’t tell how much she was understanding. Usually her posture was good, but she was bent forward and slumped sideways. If they were home Yaz would have transferred her into the other wheelchair, in this state it would be more comfortable for her and sit her up straight enough to eat properly.

Yaz sighed quietly, fixed the Doctor’s scarf for her, and lightly kissed her forehead before wheeling her out into the dining room. Someone had already moved one of the chairs away from the table for her and Yaz parked her in the spot, flicking the brakes of her chair. When Sonya had set the table she had remembered the Doctor’s cutlery and water bottle and Yaz wrapped the Doctor’s hands around her water bottle and helped her drink. But most of it dribbled back out again.

“Okay love, not to worry. I'm going to get you a towel okay?”

The Doctor mumbled something incoherent.

Yaz wandered into the kitchen and helped herself to a clean tea towel.

“Is the Doctor okay?” asked Najia.

“Not really” Yaz sighed. “Bad brain night, she’ll probably be fine in the morning. Just… don’t stare, she’s a bit out of it.”

“Of course we won't sweetheart, help her with whatever she needs help with.”

Yaz transferred the Doctor’s meal into a high sided bowl, cut it up small and carried it back to the table. She dried her top where she had spilled her water and strapped the Doctor’s spoon to her hand. The Doctor stared at it vacantly. Yaz took the Doctor’s hand and steered the spoon into the bowl, trying to stimulate a response from her but she just stared at, like she’d never seen one before. Yaz gave up and took the spoon off her, feeding her the mouthful instead.

With Yaz feeding her, the Doctor managed about half the bowl of pakora, rice and sauce, though more of it went down her front than she swallowed. Slumped sideways and her head in her chest she was a pathetic sight and Yaz gave in, took her into the bedroom, dressed her in a pair of pyjamas and tucked her in. Hopefully tomorrow would be better and her brain would recover overnight.

The alarm blared at six the next morning and Yaz groaned, internally cursing her dad’s insistence at getting up early. Beside her, the Doctor was stirring and Yaz sat up, turning off the noise.

“How are you doing this morning?” Yaz asked her.

The Doctor blinked blearily, considering. “Headache, dizzy” she decided eventually. Her words were slurring too and she was still shaking Yaz noted.

“Can you get up or do you need help?” Yaz offered.

“I… I don’t know.” She admitted. Yaz got out of bed and grabbed the wheelchair from the other side of the room, her bed was pushed against the wall and the room was small. She wrapped her arms under the Doctor’s shoulder and knee and pulled her across the bed. She did need help to transfer into her chair but thankfully Yaz didn’t have to physically lift her so at least there was some improvement though the sleep hadn't been the cure all Yaz had been hoping for.

The Doctor shakily pushed herself to the bathroom at a snail’s pace. Yaz could hear the first signs of life coming from Sonya’s room, the coffee machine was brewing which meant her dad was up and there was someone in the shower in her parents ensuite. The bathroom in the house was small and the door wouldn’t close if the Doctor’s wheelchair was in there, and there were no grab bars for her to use anyway so she parker her chair outside the room and Yaz carried her in, supporting her while she used the loo and lifting her into the shower chair they had brought with them from home. The Doctor was still ‘out of it’ and Yaz had to help her wash and then dress and the Doctor watched as if in a daze as Yaz washed and dressed herself.

In the kitchen Yaz made them both porridge, adding a generous helping of sugar to the Doctor’s, tea for herself and a nutritional milkshake for the Doctor seeing as she hadn't really eaten since lunch the day before. Sonya was already eating toast, still half asleep and her parents had been and gone from the breakfast table – Hakim was doing some checks on the car and running through his packing lists again and Najia was doing a few dishes. It took a long time to get the Doctor to eat, she needed constant encouragement as she kept forgetting what she was supposed to be doing. When she had finally eaten and had helped Yaz wash their few dishes Yaz pulled her aside.

“You know we can go home and you can rest today. We can join mum and dad in Norfolk tomorrow, it’s not a problem.”

The Doctor stared at her, swallowing thickly while she formulated words. “No, I’m fine” she finally got out. “We can go, I can sleep again in the car.”

“You shouldn’t be this tired” Yaz commented anxiously. “You had a three hour nap yesterday evening and slept solidly for ten hours last night.”

“I'm okay I think.” She argued.

“How’s your headache?”

“Better than it was before breakfast.”

“You still dizzy?”

“A little.” The Doctor admitted.

Yaz looked at her carefully. “You're still shaking but your speech is better than it was when you got up.”

“I'm fine Yaz. We can go.”

“It’s your decision love. If you’re sure, then let’s go.”

Thanks to Hakim’s insistence at packing the night before, the morning had been smooth and by half seven all five members of the family were present and correct. Hakim had already taken the shower chair to the car so now absolutely everything was packed in the car except for the holidayers. It was a squeeze fitting the Doctor’s wheelchair in on top of everything else, it had a rigid rather than collapsible frame which made it more secure, gave better suspension and was more lightweight and Sonya ended up with the wheels under her feet. Yaz was sandwiched between Sonya and the Doctor, the latter of whom had a travel pillow around her neck and was already dozing on Yaz’s shoulder as Hakim excitedly put on his new 80’s hits CD and they were off.


	78. Chapter 78

The Doctor wasn’t the only one that slept on the long drive to Norfolk and when Yaz woke shortly after noon, it was to the amusing sight of her dad trying to figure out how to attach the wheels to the frame of the Doctor’s chair. Yaz took pity on him and, after stretching out like a cat, got out of the car and showed her dad how they snapped on. She gave the Doctor’s chair a rattle to make sure it was firmly locked into place before she opened the car door and woke her up.

When she was awake and Yaz had transferred her from the back seat of the car to her wheelchair, the Doctor was just about well enough to pitch in and help unload the car. Hakim had already taken charge of the tent and he and Najia were expertly connecting poles and threading them through the fabric of the tent.

The tent was a big one, when Yaz and Sonya were kids they had shared it with Hakim’s older brother, his wife and their three children. It had a large, central space, the front and back of which could be unzipped entirely and four ‘pods’, two on either side. Najia and Hakim would share one, Sonya would have another, Yaz and the Doctor would have a third and they were also going to occupy the fourth as storage for all of the Doctor’s equipment. Everyone else would have room to store their personal belongings in their pods but while the central space was just about high enough for a fairly short person to stand upright, the pods were sloped and the Doctor was going to be forced to crawl across the floor.

Najia had done extensive research on accessible camp sites and as such, they were on a flat field, right beside a power point and within easy distance of the toilet and shower block which was accessed by a smooth, concrete path which the Doctor should be able to navigate easily. Thanks to the pleasant September weather the ground was hard and smooth which made digging tent pegs in difficult but made it easier for the Doctor’s wheels to manage. She, Yaz and Sonya emptied the car though the Doctor was relieved when she saw Yaz slide the bright orange, plastic ‘emergency’ box which contained the oxygen tank, dreaded catheters and first aid kit back into the car. She was determined that she wouldn’t be needing anything from it.

As soon as the tent had been pitched, the five of them worked together to get all their belongings set up, Yaz took camping mats and bedding into the pods and organised the Doctor’s stuff in another while the Doctor and Najia were dispatched to find something edible for lunch from the small, onsite shop – they would have to do a proper shop later but it would do for the time being. 

Najia watched the Doctor critically through the corner of her eye as they made their way through the site, past the caravans and motorhomes to the small shop which was just across from the swimming pool. She was shaky still and despite all the sleep she’d had, her eye was sunk into her skull and she looked grey with exhaustion. She wasn’t saying much, words seemed to be extraneous effort for her right now though what she did say was thick and slurred badly. But on the other hand she looked happy to be there and seemed to be following what was going on slightly better than she had the previous evening, or even that morning when Yaz kept having to remind her to eat.

Najia couldn’t get the conversation she and Yaz had had the day before out of her mind, coupled with what Sonya had relayed about the talk the Doctor had given to the police. Sonya had come home the next day from that ashen faced and upset, and had told her parents everything. To say they had been horrified was an understatement, they had known it was bad, but there was bad and then there was what the Doctor had been through. And that was apparently the tip of the iceberg. It was a miracle the woman was functioning at all, though the evening before she certainly hadn't been… watching her daughter having to feed the Doctor who had been slumped sideways in her wheelchair had been slightly disturbing… she had looked so very disabled and sick. Najia just hoped Yaz knew what she was taking on.

“Doctor, I need to talk to you about something.” Najia said finally as they slowly ambled down the path together, pushing her wheelchair seemed to be taking her a lot of effort and she wasn’t really holding the push rims very well and as a consequence was barely moving.

The Doctor didn’t respond but Najia could see she was listening.

“Can we sit?” she asked and gestured to a bench. 

The Doctor nodded and changed course, parking herself opposite the bench and waiting for Najia to join her.

Najia sat down, smoothing out her trousers and looked vaguely uncomfortable.

The Doctor fidgeted anxiously with her fingers while she waited for Najia to speak, a thousand possibilities of what Najia wanted to talk to her about running through her head, each one scarier than the last.

“I wanted you to know, the talk you did with the police, Sonya told us, Hakim and I that is, about it. I just didn’t like knowing that information and you not knowing we knew.”

“Oh…” of all the things the Doctor had been expecting Najia to say, that wasn’t one of them.

“I know you're an intensely private person and that you're not used to having a family, but you _do_ have one now. I, we, just wanted you to know that you can rely on any of us too. You and Yaz are trying to do everything on your own and you don’t have to.”

“Thankyou” the Doctor whispered, staring at her knees.

“We know you're not always… as well as you’d like to be, but you don’t have to struggle through. We can help. Yaz worries about asking us because she doesn’t want to betray your trust and I understand why but sometimes she needs it so I need you to know that we will do whatever we can to support the two of you.”

“Thankyou Najia, that means a lot to me” the Doctor whispered.

Najia patted the Doctor’s hand gently, seeing the other woman was getting emotional.

To Najia’s intense surprise the Doctor reached out and hugged her. She had never seen the Doctor voluntarily have physical contact with anyone other than Yaz, even Ryan who she was close with, it seemed to be mostly out of necessity. But she returned the hug warmly, able to feel every one of the Doctor’s vertebrae under her fingers, despite the thick jumper she was wearing.

After a moment they broke apart. “Can I ask you something Doctor?” Najia asked.

“Go for it.” the Doctor swallowed nervously.

“Last night… does that happen often?”

“I'm not going to lie to you Najia, I know I wasn’t very well but consequently I don’t really remember last night, what are you referring to exactly?”

“You were shaking all over, confused – you didn’t seem to know where you were, you couldn’t feed yourself, you couldn’t push your wheelchair, couldn’t speak, Yaz had to feed you but you couldn’t eat, Yaz had to put you to bed…”

“So not a good night then.” The Doctor joked weakly.

“Not really, no” Najia confirmed.

“It’s hard to say, all of those things happening at once is rare. More likely one or two, that happens every week or so but less than it did. All of them at once is rare, maybe once a month but it’s happening less often. Yaz and I are still figuring out what exactly triggers it and where my limits are” the Doctor replied honestly.

“Are you going to get better?” Najia asked slowly.

“Define better.”

Najia blinked, trying to think about what she meant exactly she meant.

“I have brain damage, it doesn’t just disappear. ‘Better’ doesn’t really exist in this concept, I’m not sick. Or at least I’m not anymore.”

“Then I suppose what I mean is, will the symptoms ever impact your life less than they do now?”

“I really hope so.” The Doctor said softly. “Because I don’t think I can live like this for ever, it’s too hard and it’s not fair on me or Yaz.”

“Yaz told me you walked yesterday, that must mean you're making progress.”

“I wouldn’t exactly call it walking.” The Doctor argued.

“Were you upright?”

“Yeah.”

“Moving?”

“Just about.”

“Then you were walking.”

The Doctor snorted. “With Ryan holding me up, both legs locked into place so they didn’t just give way and my arms physically strapped to a walking frame because I can't hold onto it by myself.”

“Could you have done it a week ago? Or a month ago?”

“No.”

“Then it’s progress. Even if it feels slow. I know you packed some of your physiotherapy equipment and Yaz has explained to us how important it is for you to work your body, just don’t feel like you have to be shy about it in front of us okay? And if you and Yaz need another hand to help we can do that, I know Ryan normally helps you out with that stuff. We aren’t judging, we saw how sick you were and we think the recovery you're making is incredible. We just want to support you both because it’s very important to us that you’re happy. Both of you.”

“I find it very difficult to accept help.” The Doctor admitted quietly.

“I know you do love, but Yaz finds it hard to ask for, even when she really needs it. And sometimes she does need a bit of help…” Najia stopped talking, looking at the stricken expression on the Doctor’s face. She gently took the Doctor’s hands which were picking at her skin. “What I’m saying sweetheart, is that the two of you aren’t an island. You have people all around you who can and want to help. I'm not going to say anymore, just think about it okay?”

Najia gave the Doctor a moment to collect herself before standing up and continuing down the path to the shop. As it was term time and the middle of the day, it was quiet, the people who were camping having gone out for the day and they didn’t meet anyone. Najia ducked into the shop, the Doctor following behind and made her way to the back where there was a small deli counter and asked the Doctor to go and find some crisps and fruit to go with the pastries she was going to pick up.

A few minutes later, Najia found the Doctor staring vacantly at a display of baby items.

“Something you want to tell me Doctor?” she asked, surprised.

“Huh?” the Doctor asked, blinking rapidly and looking confused.

“Never mind. Did you get the crisps and fruit?”

“What?”

“I asked you if you could get some crisps and fruit to go with the pastries.” Najia reminded her.

“Oh… Sorry, I’ll go get them now.”

“I’ll get something for us all to drink, just bring what you get up to the counter.”

The young boy at the counter looked bored, yet he was impatient after he scanned the pastries and drinks as they waited for the Doctor to appear with her contributions. Najia went off to find her. She wasn’t in the shop anymore Najia realised, surprised. She picked up the items herself, paid and headed back out into the bright sunlight, struggling to hold everything herself.

The Doctor was just outside, tugging repeatedly at the hem of her jumper. She jumped violently when Najia put a gentle hand on her shoulder, having failed to respond to her name which Najia had said three times.

“You alright love?” Najia asked, feeling quite worried now.

“I’m fine… we need to get the lunch?”

The Doctor’s words were slurring thickly Najia noted.

“I already got it, you were in the shop with me.” Najia reminded her.

Now Najia was really worried, Yaz’s warnings about the symptoms of a seizure coming to her mind.

“Oh yeah…” the Doctor answered vaguely but she looked bewildered.

“Come on, we’ll get back to the tent.” Najia reassured her.

Najia started walking, but stopped after a few paces when she realised the Doctor wasn’t following.

“Doctor, are you coming… Doctor?”

The Doctor didn’t respond and she was dribbling slightly out of the corner of her mouth.

Najia walked back towards her and stood in front of her. “Do you need help sweetheart?” she asked gently.

The Doctor didn’t respond, she had gone back to pulling on her jumper. Najia didn’t know what to do so she pulled out her phone.

By the time Yaz ran up just a few minutes later, barely out of breath despite her sprint across the massive site, the Doctor had tipped sideways alarmingly. She had stopped worrying her clothes but instead she completely still, the way she had been the previous night, looking… empty. Like there was nothing going on inside. Her hands were loose in her lap and she was staring vacantly at nothing.

Yaz didn’t even pause as she crouched down in front of the Doctor, gently taking her girlfriends hands in an attempt to capture her attention.

“Hi love, can you hear me?”

The Doctor gave no indication that she could and Najia watched as Yaz squeezed the Doctor’s hands tightly and gave them a light shake, repeating her question. This time the Doctor’s eye flicked over Yaz but there was no recognition or any sign that she understood what was going on.

Yaz lightly stroked the Doctor’s cheek. “I’m going to take you back to the tent.” She explained, standing up and taking hold of the handles of the Doctor’s wheelchair, she started pushing her back towards the tent.

“What’s the hurry?” Najia panted, struggling to keep up.

“She’s heading for a seizure. It might be in thirty seconds or in a couple of hours but it’s coming.” Yaz explained without breaking her stride. “That’s gonna be much easier to deal with if we have some privacy.”

Najia followed Yaz and the Doctor into the tent. By the time she had put the food on the table there was a small kerfuffle behind her. She spun around to see the Doctor’s eye rolling back in her head and Yaz unfastening her seat belt, lowering her to the floor, her entire body rigid.

“Dad I need you to go and get me a pillow” Yaz called, already rolling the Doctor onto her side. Hakim appeared in a second and shoved the pillow under the Doctor’s head, watching in horror as her head slammed into it repeatedly, thick white foam leaking from her mouth and she was letting out a horrific sound like someone was kneeling on her windpipe. Her entire body was wracked with spasms but his eldest daughter was completely calm as she kept the Doctor stable on her side, talking to her quietly, her tone soothing.

“We’re back in the tent love, you’re safe. I know it’s scary but I’m right here beside you and I’m not going anywhere. I love you.”

Hakim’s heart swelled with pride as Yaz comforted and soothed her girlfriend, not even slightly phased by the horrific scene in front of her. She knew exactly what she was doing.

“I’ve got you Doctor” Yaz whispered. “It’ll be over soon and then you can sleep.”

“Can one of you go and get us the oxygen tank from the car?” she asked her parents; Sonya having wandered off before her mum and the Doctor had even gone to the shop. The Doctor was going blue.

“Has she stopped breathing?” Hakim asked fearfully.

“No but the seizure is affecting her respiratory system, she’s not getting enough oxygen around her body.” Yaz pointed out the Doctor’s lips and fingers which were turning a disturbing, unhealthy shade of blue.

Najia disappeared and reappeared quickly, helping Yaz unravel the mask and set the dial that controlled the flow under Yaz’s instructions.

“Doctor, you’re cyanotic. I’m going to put the oxygen mask on.” Yaz explained gently.

Najia stepped back as Yaz expertly clamped the mask to the Doctor’s face, securing the elastic around the back of her head and throwing her scarf, which had become mostly dislodged already, to one side.

Hakim didn’t mean to stare but he found he couldn’t stop watching. He put his arm around his wife who seemed to be finding the same thing. But Yaz was wrong, it wasn’t ending soon.

“You’re safe Doctor. I love you. We’re here in the tent and Mum, Dad and Sonya are here too. I know you’re tired but it’s nearly over.”

After what felt like an interminable length of time to Hakim, it did seem to finish. Yaz gently rolled the Doctor onto her back and Hakim watched as his daughter fussed over the Doctor for a moment, checking her pulse, smoothing her hair out of her face and checking her breathing.

“Is she okay?” Hakim asked anxiously. The Doctor was lying on the floor, limp and eerily still.

“She’ll be fine, just needs to sleep it off. I’ll clean up when I’ve looked after her.”

Yaz gathered the Doctor into her arms and took her through to their pod, lowering her gently onto the mattress and relieved that she had already made the beds. Being careful not to disturb the oxygen line, Yaz cleaned her up with a packet of wipes and dressed her in a pair of joggers and soft jumper that would be comfortable for her to sleep in and also fine for her to wear in public when she woke up later before changing her own trousers which had become damp while she had looked after the Doctor.

“How long will the Doctor sleep for?” Najia asked an hour later when the four of them had finally settled down to their lunch.

“A while, depends on the length of the seizure and that was a big one, just under ten minutes. She’ll probably be out until at least dinner, manage to stay awake for an hour or two and then pass out again. Hopefully though, the seizure will have acted like pressing the reset button on the neurological issues she’s been having over the last few days and she’ll be okay tomorrow.”

“How’s she likely to be when she wakes up?”

“Could go either way” Yaz answered truthfully. “If she’s had enough rest and the postictal stage is over hopefully she’ll be like she usually is. If she hasn’t, it’ll be anywhere between where she was last night and her usual self. I really can’t predict.”

“Is there anything we should be doing?”

“Not really, she’s asleep. She needs to sleep it off. Don’t feel like you can't go out though, I’ll stay with her but she would be really upset if she thought her medical issues were stopping you from going out or doing what you want to do.”

“We’re here as a family Yaz. If the Doctor’s not well enough to go out then we’ll stay here and keep it low key and if she needs to go home then that’s fine too.” Hakim said firmly, interrupting before his wife could say basically the same thing. “The only place we’re going today is to get some shopping in anyway.”

“Thanks dad.” Yaz took a bite of her now cold cheese and onion pasty to hide how emotional her dad had made her.

When they had eaten and cleaned up, there were no dishes, Najia and Sonya headed out to find the local shops to stock up on food for the week while Hakim volunteered to keep Yaz company while the Doctor was unconscious. He produced the Scrabble set and father and daughter set up in the mouth of the tent, the zip to the pod where the Doctor was asleep only half closed so Yaz could still see her clearly seeing as she hadn’t brought the baby monitor with them.

Just as Yaz opened the game with the seven letter word ‘almonds’ and collected her double word score and fifty point bonus there was a distressed moan from the pod where the Doctor was sleeping. She got up quickly and went to check on her. The Doctor’s arm was spasming, curled tightly and painfully against her chest but she was still asleep. Yaz spoke to her softly as she massaged the affected muscles in an attempt to get them to relax while the Doctor remained stubbornly asleep.

“What was that?” Hakim asked as Yaz sat back down a few minutes later.

“Muscle spasm” Yaz explained. “Part of the seizure hangover, it keeps her brain all screwy for a while, sometimes it’s over in an hour but other times it takes days.”

Hakim nodded, putting down the letters to spell ‘lemur’.

“Yaz I don’t want you to get upset you, you know I like the Doctor very much, but have you thought about what your life is going to be like? You're going to be a carer for the Doctor’s whole life to a greater or lesser extent.”

Yaz didn’t say anything for a moment, playing her next word of ‘design’.

“I know she will dad. Her brain damage will never go away entirely but we’re very hopeful that it’s effects won't always be so pronounced. But even if they don’t, it won't change how I feel about her. I love her very much.”

“I know you do darling. But I know you're struggling to manage your job and care for her. Have you thought about your future? Really thought about it? What if you have kids? You couldn’t leave her alone with a little one if she's not having a good day. Even if she is, is she safe? She's won't leave the house on her own. She's terrified of new people…”

“I know dad. We’re working on it together. I'm hoping the new house will be something of a new start for her and help her move on. If nothing else, it will allow her to be more independent.”

“I just want you to be happy Yasmin. If you tell me this is what you want, that the Doctor is who you want, then I’ll support you, both of you, to the ends of the earth.” Hakim promised fiercely, putting down the word ‘lorry’.

“Thanks dad. I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear you say that.” Yaz replied honestly.

Hakim considered himself to be a family man who loved his children and his wife more than anything in the world and would sacrifice anything to make sure they were happy. If the Doctor was in Yaz’s life permanently, then she would come under that umbrella too. She was a good woman who made Yaz incredibly happy, Allah knew her problems weren’t her fault, but Hakim knew how much of a strain being a carer could put on a relationship having seen his father care for his mother during her battle with Parkinson’s Disease. He would do everything he could to make sure Yaz didn’t crack under the pressure the way his father had.

Yaz had just narrowly beaten her dad in the game of scrabble when Najia and Sonya appeared with several bags of food. Yaz pitched in with her family to put it away in the cool box and arrange it on a storage unit and helped her mum prepare pasta bolognaise while checking in regularly on the Doctor. She had already encouraged her family to not try too hard to be quiet, wanting the Doctor to be awake for dinner seeing as she had had barely any breakfast, no lunch and no dinner the day before. If she didn’t eat now she would get sicker rather than better. And she really needed a workout of some sort, even if it were just some passive stretches. Her body simply wouldn’t tolerate not being looked after properly. 

Hakim was grating cheese and setting the table while Najia, Sonya and Yaz had gone to wash up for dinner in the ladies toilet block when a cry came from the Doctor and Yaz’s pod.

Hakim froze, not sure what to do. He really didn’t want to go in while she was in bed knowing all the issues she had. But then she cried again and it sounded like she was choking and he made up his mind.

“I’m coming in Doctor” he warned, feeling foolish as he unzipped the pod.

The Doctor was half sitting, half twisted and utterly tangled in the sleeping bag, the little hair she had in total disarray as she gasped for breath. She looked terrified. It struck Hakim that he had never seen her without her scarf before and he shook the thought away, wracking his brains about what he could do to help her without frightening her even further.

To his relief however, he didn’t have to do anything as at that moment his wife and daughters arrived back and he moved out of Yaz’s way as she went in to help her girlfriend. Her movements were calm, her voice soothing as she crawled into the pod as she sat beside the Doctor. She spoke to the other woman quietly and then gathered her tightly in her arms. Hakim left them to it, they didn’t need an audience.

Yaz and the Doctor appeared about fifteen minutes later, just as Sonya was serving the dinner and Yaz carefully helped her into her wheelchair and pushed her to the table. She helped her attach her cutlery to her hands and filled her water bottle, encouraging her to drink the thick, slightly strange smelling milkshake in it. The Doctor seemed weak, confused and utterly exhausted but not as ill as she had seemed the night before or earlier that day. She was able to eat her dinner without Yaz having to intervene though she didn’t engage in any of the light conversation that flowed around her. As soon as they had finished eating, Yaz pushed the Doctor down towards the toilet block though they didn’t take the shower chair, and they reappeared half an hour, the Doctor already seemingly half asleep, dressed in a pair of pyjamas. Yaz helped her into the tent and Hakim couldn’t help but watch in fascination as his daughter started manipulating her limbs, stretching and bending them and asking the Doctor questions to keep her awake. Where had she learned to do that? He was incredibly proud of his daughter. The last two days, managing the Doctor’s health must have been incredibly stressful for her, especially with an audience and not in the comfort and safety of their own home but she had managed the Doctor with patience, kindness and dignity.

“How’re you doing?” Yaz asked, spotting that the Doctor had woken up. It was early the next morning and sunlight was flooding the tent though she couldn’t hear any sounds that would indicate her parents or sister were up yet.

The Doctor tried to reply but her words were thick, wet and slurred and completely unintelligible.

“Don’t worry about it, try again in a minute.” Yaz reassured her, handing her a tissue to wipe her face where her attempts to speak had just caused her to dribble. The Doctor managed it with short, jerky movements but she looked bewildered and confused.

Yaz sat up and took hold of the Doctor’s cool, bony hands to massage and stretch them. As usual, as soon as she freed them from where they were secured into their soft night splints, they contracted into closed fists which the Doctor had no control over. The Doctor made no attempt to sit up, instead lying flat on her back and watching Yaz. Their position reminded Yaz uncomfortably of when the Doctor had been gravely ill and she had spent hours sitting by the Doctor’s bedside, holding her hand and willing her to just keep breathing.

“Wh… Whaaa… Wha…?” the Doctor asked, attempting to speak again and groaning frustratedly when she failed to get words out clearly and Yaz had to wipe her face this time as her arm spasmed painfully again. Yaz was gentle as she cleaned the Doctor’s face and helped her arm relax out of the tight spasm, taking hold of her hand again to work it.

“You want to know what happened?” Yaz confirmed, meeting the Doctor’s gaze.

The Doctor nodded jerkily in response.

Yaz knew her memory of the last two days would probably be swiss cheese and not just the seizure part the day before and she talked her through it, explaining the physio and walking session, her upset over the catheters, Jennifer’s house, her parents house, arriving at the campsite, going to the shop with Najia, the seizure the evening before. The Doctor listened, watching Yaz intently. Yaz hated how vulnerable she looked, especially as she was sitting up tall and looming over her while the Doctor lay flat and when she had finished with the Doctor’s hands she laid back down next to her, curling up next to her and resting her head on the Doctor’s chest, feeling safe and comfortable as the Doctor wrapped her arms around her.

They lay there quietly enjoying the peace of the early morning and the comfort of each other’s company but Yaz soon noticed that the Doctor was crying silently.

“Are you crying because you can't speak?” Yaz asked, gently wiping the tears off of her girlfriend’s face.

The Doctor nodded miserably.

“I know it suck but give your brain some time to waken up okay. You’ve had a really hard two days, your speech will come back online if you give it a little time.”

The Doctor buried her face in Yaz’s hair in response and Yaz started idly stroking the Doctor’s hands which were lightly clasped across her stomach.

“Just in case you forgot, I love you. Even when you can't talk to me or when your brain just won't do what you want it to or you can't move, I still love you and I always will.” Yaz told her quietly, smiling when she felt a small kiss being planted on her cheek, the part of her the Doctor could most easily reach.

“Girls?” came Najia’s voice. “You awake? We’re about to have breakfast.”

“Yeah we’re up mum” called Yaz.

“We’ll get up and have breakfast in out PJ’s, that’s what everyone else will be doing. Then we arranged that we can use the small sports hall for an hour each morning for physio seeing as the summer activities are over and then have a shower before we head out for the day with the family.” Yaz explained to the Doctor. “Do you think you can get out to the table or do you need help?”

The Doctor shrugged, struggling out of her sleeping bag. It was the first time she had ever slept in one but she had no recollection of how Yaz had got her into it. She felt weak, exhausted and a little twitchy but she managed to make very slow but independent progress across the floor of the tent, grateful that Yaz stayed close and her family didn’t stare as she was forced to bum shuffle and Yaz had to lift her into her wheelchair and fasten the seatbelt for her.

“Don’t look so worried love” Yaz whispered. “You’ve barely eaten in days, of course you’re feeling a little weak. Try and manage some breakfast and I bet you’ll be feeling stronger.”

Hakim was standing by their little gas cooking stove supervising a kettle for tea and making some toast while Najia put out cereal and milk and Yaz made the Doctor a milkshake in the hopes that she would actually drink this one. The one from the previous evening had gone in the bin along with most of her dinner.

Yaz watched the Doctor during breakfast, relieved when she managed a small bowl of cornflakes without spilling any, two slices of toast, a cup of tea and most of the milkshake. They helped clean up and then Sonya was dispatched to do the dishes and Najia helped them carry the Doctor’s therapy equipment to the sports hall. She was able to wheel herself at a reasonable pace and although Najia hadn't been able to understand any of the admittedly few words she had said over breakfast, she seemed more stable and alert this morning. All in all, less sick and more like herself.

Yaz had already asked her mum to stay for their work out, she would need help to get the Doctor standing today, if they were able to do it at all but having missed the chance yesterday, she was reluctant to let the Doctor go another day without standing unless they absolutely couldn’t manage it.

Najia was fascinated as Yaz and the Doctor did a series of warm up stretches and then kitted her out with her prosthetic and brace, gait belt and strapped her hands to the walking frame. The Doctor was almost silent as they worked and Najia got the impression she was embarrassed as Yaz talked her through how to help the other woman stand. Embarrassed because she needed the therapy at all or because Yaz was having to speak for her or for another reason Najia wasn’t sure. Her words sounded like they were bring stuck in a blender somewhere between her brain and mouth that morning though Yaz seemed to be able to understand the little that she said okay.

Yaz was fussing around at the Doctor’s feet, making sure he had put them in the right place and double checking her hands were secure.

“You ready mum?” Yaz checked.

Najia nodded nervously. She had never done anything like this before and was feeling the responsibility. If the Doctor were to fall… she didn’t like to think what could happen but she looked so frail and fragile and Najia imagined she would break easily.

Yaz counted them up and she and Najia lifted the belt, helping the Doctor rise into a standing position. Najia was surprised at how little she actually had to lift, the Doctor was definitely doing the majority of the work but Yaz had stepped in front of her quickly and the Doctor’s head had already dropped onto Yaz’s shoulder and she was breathing heavily.

“Because the Doctor spends all of her time either sitting or flat on her back, when she first stands up her blood pressure can go wonky and she gets really dizzy. Kind of like a head rush on over drive.” Yaz explained in answer to Najia’s concerned look.

The Doctor stayed where she was, breathing heavily and Yaz murmuring quietly into her ear for a few minutes before she raised her head, looking altogether calmer and more determined and ready to start.

Najia and Yaz swapped places, Yaz supporting the Doctor’s weight in Ryan’s usual position and Najia holding the walker at the front, making sure it didn’t run away from them too quickly.

“Mum, the Doctor’s finding it hard to speak this morning so I need you to watch and tell me if we need to stop.” Yaz said, rubbing the Doctor’s back in a silent apology for talking about her as if she wasn’t there.

The Doctor had a look of utter concentration on her face as she attempted to lift her left leg, the one with the brace, high enough to take a step and Yaz lightly tapped her leg to encourage it to move. It worked and she took a small, shuffling, lurching step, her entire body wobbling and jerking with the effort. But she followed it with another. And another. And another. The pace was incredibly slow but the difference between this and the last time Najia had seen the Doctor standing when Yaz had been holding up her entire weight and she had only managed a few minutes just a month ago when they had been pinning their wedding outfits was impressive. She was making more progress than she thought she was.

The Doctor almost managed one width of the small hall before Najia asked her if she was done and she gave a jerky nod. Her arms were trembling with the effort of holding herself up and Najia quickly fetched her wheelchair from the opposite side of the hall. Remembering the last time, Yaz checked the brakes on the chair before she and Najia assisted the Doctor to sit down again and Yaz released her arms from the straps on the walking frame.

Najia took a step back as Yaz and the Doctor put their last twenty minutes in the hall to good use doing a few more exercises before letting her bring the walking frame and some of their other equipment back to the tent while they went to the shower block with the shower chair and their wash bags.

The accessible bathroom in the toilet block was basic as best. The toilet had one grab bar but not in a particularly helpful spot. It was in a wet room style and the shower had a not very secure looking flip down seat with no grab bars so Yaz was pleased they had brought the Doctor’s usual one but annoyingly, there was no bench to sit on when she was wet to get changed on so the Doctor had to cover her wheelchair in towels to get dressed while Yaz was in the shower. She didn’t quite manage to dress herself as much as she normally did but Yaz helped her out without making a fuss about it and they were able to head back to the tent.

“Alright girls?” asked Hakim, already on his third cup of tea of the morning and flicking through his paper in the sunshine as they arrived back at the tent.

“Daaad I’m twenty-two years old and the Doctor is even older, we’re not girls!” Yaz complained in mock exasperation.

“You’ll always be my girl Yasmin.” Hakim explained, kissing her.

The Doctor hung back anxiously during the exchange.

“How are you doing Doctor? Najia said you’ve done quite the workout this morning.”

“Fine thanks, maybe a bit tired.” She slurred. Her speech was becoming more clear as the morning went on but Yaz still had to interpret after the Doctor had repeated herself four times and she was getting frustrated.

Hakim wisely moved on. “We thought we could have a nice, low key day today? Your mum really wants to go to Felbrigg Hall near Cromer, you know she loves a stately home. We thought we could explore the house and gardens, maybe have a walk around the grounds and then later on head out to Cromer Pier and get fish and chips for tea. How does that sound?”

“Sounds perfect.” Yaz smiled, glad her parents hadn't suggested anything too active for the day. A stately home and gardens were easy to adapt to the Doctor’s energy levels and general ability of the day.

By the mid-morning they were pulling into one of the accessible spaces outside the home though they couldn’t actually see the house yet and they strolled along the finely gravelled paths, coming across the orchards and orangery first.

While Najia was a lover of stately homes, Hakim loved their gardens and was in his element as the family walked through, admiring the neat beds of exotic flowers. Their pace was slow and the Doctor was able to keep up easily.

“I think I’ve been here before” she told Yaz, frowning at the view around her. “It seems really familiar.”

Her speech had really improved since she had woken up that morning and Yaz was no longer having to listen intently and guess at what she was saying.

“Really?” asked Yaz interestedly. “When?”

“Maybe 1709? The heir to this estate, Ashe Windham married a lady called Elizabeth Dobyns but the wedding was nearly ruined by an invasion of zygons who were impersonating the party guests. My friend Jo was with me.”

“What happened?”

“I told you I was punished by the Time Lords and exiled to earth didn’t I? That was during that time, I was only on my third face, the one with a penchant for ruffled velvet suits and a shock of white hair.”

She glared at Yaz who was giggling.

“What?” she demanded.

“Picturing you in a ruffled, velvet disco suit.”

“It was the seventies Yaz. Bet your dad wore the same.”

“You’re not helping the mental imagery here love.”

“Well if you're going to be rude I'm not going to tell you what happened.” She grumbled, offended.

Yaz held up her hands in mock surrender. “Alright, alright. I’m sorry. Tell me about what happened now. Please?”

“Well the zygons can impersonate humans and we never really did understand what they wanted with this estate in particular, Ashe was destined for the House of Lords so maybe they were aiming for that? But Jo and I saw them off.”

“What happened to Jo?” Yaz asked softly.

“She fell in love and got married. I… I didn’t take it too well, was a bit jealous.” She scrunched her face looking a bit ashamed. “They got married and had seven children and twelve grandchildren last time I checked on her. They were environmental activists for most of their lives but Clifford, her husband, died a few years ago.”

“And Jo? Is she still alive?”

“Yes, she’d be about… 69 now I think.”

“Are there any other of your old friends still alive here and now on earth?”

“Some.” The Doctor admitted. “Most would be quite old by human standards now. They’ve all moved on, can't imagine they would want to see me. And I don’t want to interrupt their lives again.”

“Martha did” Yaz argued.

“Martha… Martha did not want to see me, she felt obligated. An she only knew me after the Time War. Sometimes I think of myself in two halves. There were my first eight faces, they were innocent. Or reasonably so anyway. Then the next face, I just think of him as my war self, I don’t even give him a number. He changed me forever. All my faces leave a lasting impact but so far, no more than him. Then nine to this one which I count as thirteen have all been dealing with the consequences of War’s decisions.”

“So you count this face as thirteen but it’s actually fourteen?” Yaz clarified.

“Yeah. I don’t like to think about what my war self did.”

Yaz stopped walking beside her and took her hand, ignoring how dirty it was from her push rims.

“You made the decisions you made based on the best information you had at the time. You can't go back and change them. You can't undo them. You made them with the very best of intentions. I know you're not proud of what you did but you can't let them define you forever.”

The Doctor sighed. “It’s easier said than done Yaz.”

“I know love, but you can't let your past cast shadows over your future. You’ll never be happy.”

“Maybe I don’t deserve to be happy.”

Yaz stepped in front of the Doctor, effectively stopping her in her tracks and crouched down in front of her.

“ _Everyone_ deserves to be happy.” She said firmly. “Even you Doctor.”

By this point they had toured most of the garden and Yaz gave the Doctor a push over the last part which was grassy and they headed out towards the café to find lunch.

After a pleasant lunch of fresh, hand made sandwiches and cake in what had once been the stable block courtyard, Najia was very keen to see the house. Yaz had already gone up to the information kiosk to find out about accessibility, the Doctor would be able to tour the downstairs but the house was over five hundred years old so they weren’t able to install a lift for her to go upstairs.

“Why don’t we stay out here and enjoy the sunshine?” Yaz suggested to the Doctor lightly. “We both have a book, you could close your eyes for an hour if you wanted to, that was a big workout you had this morning and I think we’re going to explore some of the woodland when we’re done here.”

“Don’t you want to see the house?” the Doctor asked her.

“Eh” Yaz shrugged. “You see one stately home you’ve seen them all” she lied. She did quite like a stately home and imaging what her life might have been had she been born in a different time. Though if her travels with the Doctor had taught her anything it was that most likely she would have been the scullery maid, the lowest of all the household servants, not the lady sitting up for dinner in the dining room. But the Doctor had been very unwell the last few days and Yaz wanted her to rest which she would never do if she thought she was depriving Yaz of something she wanted.

The Doctor agreed to the plan, albeit reluctantly and they separated from the rest of Yaz’s family, heading for a large oak tree in front of the house. They didn’t have a picnic blanket or anything with them but the ground was dry and the grass soft beneath them. Yaz sat with her back propped against the tree and the Doctor laid on the ground beside her, her head resting comfortably in Yaz’s lap. Yaz held her book with one hand and absentmindedly ran her fingers lightly up and down the Doctor’s arm with the other. It was incredibly peaceful, just the two of them surrounded by some truly stunning scenery, the obscenely large house in front of them, rising majestically above all of its outbuildings. The Doctor fell asleep pretty quickly which Yaz was relieved about and they had peace under the shade of the tree for more nearly two hours before the rest of the family reappeared. By that point the Doctor was just starting to stir and Yaz let her wake up naturally before helping her back into her wheelchair and following Sonya to the woodland walks.

The Doctor had been nervous about the planned walking, she often got tired pushing her chair and a woodland walk sounded like challenging terrain, assuming her wheelchair would even fit between the trees, and she wasn’t sure how long it was likely to be. Before they had left Sheffield, she and Yaz had headed to a bike shop and bought a set of mountain bike tyres that would fit her wheelchair which would help.

The first part of the walk was up a gentle hill. There were fields either side of them and the path was smooth and fairly easy to propel herself up, even with Yaz holding one of her hands. Actually… that was probably helping and taking some of the strain! Plus, holding hands with Yasmin Khan? Brilliant!

But the next part was trickier. The path was wide enough but it was overgrown with tree roots and littered with sticks and leaves. Najia and Hakim were walking ahead, their hands clasped and swinging between them. It made the Doctor incredibly jealous that she couldn’t do that with Yaz. Even if she was walking on her prosthetic, on this terrain she would have had either a pair of crutches or a single crutch and a very solid hold of Yaz’s arm. Sonya was walking on Yaz’s other side, an air bud in one ear. The Doctor suspected she was probably feeling a little bit of a third wheel this holiday, usually in situations like this she and Yaz would walk together while their parents were together but with the Doctor’s own presence, she was throwing that off balance. But she didn’t want to, Yaz and Sonya were only just beginning to repair their relationship, something her own presence had made significantly worse and she certainly didn’t want to interfere with it taking another nose dive.

“Did you ever look into going to university Sonya?” she asked in an effort to engage her in conversation and remembering that she had been thinking about it before she got her new job at the restaurant.

“Yeah I did” she sighed. “But I failed maths at GCSE and you can't get in without it.”

“Can't you go to night classes or something for it?”

“Yeah but I was really really bad at maths. I don’t think I would be able to pass even now and evening classes would be one night a week. If I couldn’t pass with daily lessons I don’t think I could pass with one class a week.”

“If you're really serious about it mum and dad would help you pay for a tutor” Yaz pointed out.

Sonya shrugged. “I know. I did look into it but its really expensive. I even sat assessments in a couple of places and they all said I would probably need three to four hours tutoring a week. Apparently my maths skills aren’t good enough to pass the exams at the end of primary school” she admitted, embarrassed. “I can't afford that and I can't ask mum and dad to pay for it either.”

“I could tutor you.” The Doctor offered quietly.

“You?” Sonya asked disbelievingly. “Don’t you speak multiple languages and have doctorates coming out of your ears? Why would you tutor me?”

“Because you want to learn.”

“Its nice of you to offer but I can't afford it.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to pay me.” The Doctor retorted, offended.

“I couldn’t let you do it for free.”

“I tutor Ryan for free.” The Doctor argued.

“Yeah but he’s not stupid.”

“You’re not stupid Sonya” Yaz argued. “She has dyscalculia. It’s like dyslexia but affects maths rather than reading and writing.” She added for the Doctor’s benefit.

“We could work with that. It would be my pleasure to tutor you. I can't work at the moment for obvious reasons so I would need you to recognise that sometimes I just wouldn’t be up for tutoring but I can also work around your shifts in the restaurant.”

“Can I think about it?” Sonya asked eventually.

“Sure. We can't start until Yaz and I have moved house but after that, if you're willing to put the work in then I'll put the work in for you.”

“Don’t make promises you can't keep. You’ve never seen me do maths.”

“Maths is logical. Anyone can do it; you just need to understand how it works.”

Sonya snorted disbelievingly.

They realised that Najia and Hakim had got quite far ahead and the Doctor consented to letting Yaz push her over the uneven terrain. They met up with Najia and Hakim again a few minutes later, almost at the end of a circular route. They were standing at the top of a flight of steep, rough, stone steps and Hakim and Sonya both took a front castor of the Doctor’s wheelchair while Yaz kept hold of the back handles to get her down to the bottom. When they were down the ground was smooth and flat again and the Doctor pushed herself back to the car, they had somehow landed on Hakim’s favourite subject - conspiracy theories - and were debating the merits of the Phantom Time Hypothesis.

Still debating with the Doctor, Hakim drove his family to the coast line at Cromer. He and Najia had done a lot of research on the area before they suggested it for the family’s annual camping trip and he knew the historic pier was accessible.

“Did you know there has been a pier in Cromer since 1391?” the Doctor asked excitedly to no one in particular after Yaz had lifted her out of the car. “It stood until 1580 but then Elizabeth I gave the local residents the right to start exporting their crops so they built a new one. It’s been replaced a few times since then but the current one dates back to 1902.”

“How do you always know so much Doctor?” asked Sonya, looking at her weirdly.

The Doctor shrugged. “Like reading and learning stuff.”

“Is that all you did until you met Yaz?”

“It’s still all she does” Yaz teased. “You should see how many books she has with her.”

“Hey! I read faster than you lot!”

“Yeah yeah, we’re not all geniuses.”

“Genii. Technically.”

“What?”

“The plural of genius. Genii.”

“Oh whatever!”

Thankfully at that moment Hakim and Najia reappeared with five bundles of hot, salty fish and chips, fragrant with vinegar which they took over to one of the picnic benches.

The pier was buy enough to provide an atmosphere but not so busy that the Doctor was on edge and for the first time on the holiday, Yaz felt relaxed, sitting amongst the most important people in her life. It felt good and as the evening wore on, Yaz was utterly content, sitting hand in hand, next to the Doctor on a bench, her head resting on the Doctor’s shoulder as they watched the sunset. 


	79. Chapter 79

“Yaz this is never gonna work.” The Doctor complained. She was sitting on the bed in an accessible changing room, eyeing up a black and yellow wetsuit.

“Course it is” Yaz argued, wriggling into her own with difficulty.

The Doctor snorted. “Yaz you’re fully mobile and watching you try and get into that thing is hilarious. I am enjoying the bikini though!”

“Really? Now?”

The Doctor shrugged. “I have one eye, I’m not blind.”

“And we’re staying in a tent with my parents and sister.” Yaz reminded her, stopping her from arguing by kissing her hard on the mouth.

“Maybe I should just watch and…” the Doctor started.

“Don’t even think about finishing that sentence.” Yaz warned her. “This place is one of the best places for accessible water sports in the country. They get people way more disabled than you in kayaks. If we had brought you here right after you got sick when you couldn’t move or speak at all they would have got you in a kayak.”

“We’re not talking about getting me in a kayak yet, we still haven’t figured out how to stuff me in a wetsuit.”

“Stuff you? You’re not sausage meat.”

“Might as well be in this situation.”

“No you’ll need to be a bit more helpful than that not just sausage meat… God what is my life having to say that sentence.” Yaz blushed at the implications.

“What?” the Doctor asked, innocently missing the innuendo as always.

“Never mind. We’re not getting into it now.”

Yaz bent down on the floor in front of the Doctor who was clad in just her swimsuit that she wore to hydrotherapy, rolling up the leg of the wetsuit and the Doctor shakily lifted her foot into it. Yaz grabbed her foot and pulled it into it properly, rolling it up as high as she could and repeated the process with the Doctor’s stump, the excess wetsuit flapping slightly in the breeze that came through the crack under the door.

“Right, lie down so we can get this past your hips.”

The Doctor flopped down to lie on her back with a sigh, irritated when she couldn’t lift her leg onto it and Yaz had to catch her ankle and swing it up for her.

It seemed to take an age but with the Doctor rolling from side to side to remove the pressure off of one hip at a time they eventually got the tight, child’s size wetsuit over the Doctor’s tiny frame and she hooked her whole fist through the cord on the zip and pulled it up. Yaz helped her with the shoe and the strange looking device they had been given to secure her empty wetsuit leg. Although the Doctor had her prosthetic with her, it was waiting in the car, she was anxious about it getting a potential dunk in sea water, not that she had any intention of capsizing, but the wetsuit wouldn’t form a seal if it was left flapping. Yaz rolled the empty leg up the way the guy at the rental desk had instructed and stretched the silicone seal over the excess fabric and the Doctor’s residual limb.

“Ready to go?” she asked.

“Think so. Bit nervous, how the hell am I supposed to get in a kayak?”

“I don’t know but the staff all seem to know what they’re doing.” Yaz replied, unlocking the door and holding it open for the Doctor to bump down over the small step which she did with perfect control, the serious neurological issues she’d been having over the last few days seemingly gone.

“Yaz” the Doctor said suddenly, looking up at her girlfriend worriedly. “They won't have to touch me will they… to get me in a kayak?”

“I don’t know.” Yaz replied truthfully. “I’m sure if you need help to transfer, I’ll be able to do it.”

The two women made their way down the concrete path where Najia, Hakim and Sonya were waiting, talking to three instructors dressed in dark green polo shirts and shorts.

“Ah welcome” said the man at the front. He appeared to be in his thirties, his arms weather beaten and his smile full of even, white teeth. I'm Evan, this is Joe and Kirsty, we’ll be your guides today. Have any of you ever kayaked before?”

“I have” Yaz answered to the Doctor’s surprise and it transpired that Hakim had as well.

“Excellent!” Well, Joe and I are the resident accessible kayaking specialists so we’ll be taking you” he indicated the Doctor “over to the accessible dock, everyone else can follow Kirsty to the regular dock and you’ll meet up in the water.”

The Doctor looked sick and panicked at the thought of going off with two men she didn’t know to do an unspecified task to get her into the water.

“Actually” Yaz interrupted. “Would it be okay if we stayed together, my partner’s feeling a little nervous.”

“Sure” Joe agreed easily, leading them further down the slope and onto a wooden dock.

“Now I need to ask you a few questions about your mobility so we can get you into the kayak safely, make sure you have an appropriate paddle and seat.” He first rattled off a list of medical conditions all of which they both confirmed they didn’t have until they got to ‘seizure disorder’.

“That’s not a problem is it?” Yaz asked, catching the glance Evan shot at Joe. 

“No, not necessarily, but you would need to be willing to use a tandem kayak only. If that’s okay with you both we can run you through the procedure for if you were to have a seizure while on the water.”

“It’s fine with me” Yaz agreed easily and the Doctor quietly concurred. She was slightly behind Yaz and was fiddling anxiously with the cord on her wetsuit. Yaz knew she was intimidated by the two tall, confident men and she longed to reach out and take the Doctor’s hand reassuringly though she didn’t think the Doctor would appreciate it in this instance.

“Sweet. Basically if you have a tonic clonic seizure you’ll almost certainly topple the kayak so Yaz, you would need to grab hold of her lifejacket by the shoulders. Let the canoe tip all the way until you’re upside down and then you’ll be able to slide out easily.”

“Right…” Yaz said. It sounded anything but easy.

“Don’t worry, we can give you a demonstration. It’s much easier than it sounds.” He turned to the Doctor.

“Right darlin’, can you tell me what’s your mobility like? Can you transfer out of your chair to the ground and back again independently?”

The Doctor shrugged. “I’m working on it but Yaz usually helps me.” She said quietly, not looking up from her lap.

“No worries. What about sitting? Do you need back support?”

The Doctor shook her head and Yaz interjected. “You don’t need it but you’re a lot more comfortable and stable with it.”

The Doctor nodded in agreement shyly.

“That’s fine. Do you have a transfer sling with you?”

“No, I’ve never used one.”

“Okay and what about your grip? Can you hold things?”

The Doctor nodded and Yaz interrupted again. “You can clamp stuff between your wrists but you find picking stuff up with your hands pretty tricky.”

“That’s fine. I think that’s everything we need. Joe will just go and get you a kayak. As I said, we’re going to put you in a tandem kayak cause of the seizures. We also have one with a bucket seat and a back rest which should stop you from tipping sideways and provide you with proper back support. We don’t want you to have to come in again cause you’re in pain. If you can't get to the floor and back on your own, you’ll probably find it very difficult to get into the kayak though so we’ll help you with that.”

“Jane doesn’t like to be touched, if there’s a transfer involved, I can do it.”

“You couldn’t transfer someone to a kayak that’s in the water darlin’. We’ve got a hoyer lift installed and a sling you can use though.”

The Doctor gulped. “I don’t think I can do that” she whispered to Yaz, eyeing up the lift and the sling that Evan was now producing.

Yaz crouched down in front of her. “You know I won't force you to do this if you really don’t want to. But you picked kayaking so I think you do want to. I know the sling feels a bit undignified but it’s a means to an end and will only last for a minute.”

“Have you used them before?”

“Yeah I used them I worked as a carer when I was still at school. And I’ve sat in one too during my staff training.”

“What’s it like?”

“I didn’t like it” Yaz admitted truthfully. “I didn’t feel unsafe or anything, it was more the loss of control I didn’t like. I can put you in the sling, neither of the men need to touch you there though one of them might need to hold the sling when you’re over the kayak to make sure you land in exactly the right spot. There’s handles on the back to guide it so they wouldn’t need to touch you.”

The Doctor considered for a moment. “Okay, I’ll try” she whispered finally. She really did want to kayak, it looked like a lot of fun, but she was highly stressed by the thought of Joe and Evan getting any closer and more personal than they already had.

Yaz squeezed her hands tightly, reassuringly and ten minutes later they were both wearing helmets and life jackets and Yaz had tucked the sling behind the Doctor’s back and under her legs, hooking the straps to the hoyer lift.

“If you get in first Yaz, then we’ll get Jane up and you can grab the back of the sling from your seat and guide her into position.”

Yaz was confident as she got herself into the bright yellow kayak and settled herself in. It hadn't escaped her notice that the kayaks on the accessible dock were yellow while all others the were red and she suspected that that was to alert rescuers to a disabled kayaker should they be in a situation where they needed to be rescued.

Yaz couldn’t see the Doctor’s face as she was hoisted into the air in the green sling, swinging slightly, but she could picture it clearly as she reached forward and, warning her first, grabbed the handle on the back of the sling while Joe continued to hold the front and the Doctor was gently lowered and guided simultaneously into the seat of the kayak.

“I'm going to touch your shoulder.” Yaz warned her before reaching out. “You’re okay, it’s over, you're in the kayak. You did great.

Joe was leaning over her, unhooking the sling from the hoyer lift and tucking it out of the way.

“Arent you going to get rid of it?” the Doctor whispered as he tucked the side of the sling behind the seat.”

“Only if you want to make getting out about twenty times harder.” Joe answered cheerfully, either ignoring or unaware of her discomfort. Yaz kept her hand comfortingly on the Doctor’s shoulder, hoping to reassure her.

After a brief lesson in paddling and strapping the paddle to the Doctor’s hands with a special pair of gloves that Evan produced, they were off, shakily paddling towards her family who were about 100m away, still on the bank of the lake. Like the Doctor and Yaz, Sonya and Najia were sharing a tandem kayak while Hakim was hilariously paddling in circles on his own, apparently unable to get the hang of the paddles despite supposedly having kayaked before.

As they paddled slowly towards her family, the Doctor began to get the hang of it, she was struggling to get her arms coordinated and was proving to be more of a hindrance than a help.

“You alright?” Yaz asked her.

“I think so” she called back, though her voice was a bit unsure.

“You’re gonna be great!” Yaz reassured her.

As soon as they reached the others, Najia produced her camera again, snapping yet another photo of the two of them while they were unaware. She had taken dozens the day before – over lunch, deep in conversation in the orangery, the Doctor sleeping peacefully on Yaz under the tree, laughing on the woodland trail, posing happily in front of a field of cows. She was apparently a woman on a mission though Yaz wasn’t complaining. She had almost no photographs of herself and the Doctor together though she had hundreds of just the Doctor, each one carefully annotated and documenting every step of her recovery and all saved in a file on her computer that she added to but never looked at.

While Yaz was perfectly happy to share a kayak with the Doctor it also made her anxious. She relied heavily on her ability to read the Doctor’s facial expressions and body language to know when she wasn’t okay because the first verbal cues tended to be the extreme – screaming and or crying. And stuck behind her in a kayak there would be little Yaz could do to calm her if she got that far.

"You okay Doctor?" Yaz asked, really not liking that she couldn't see her girlfriends face.

"I'm fine." 

Hmm... sometimes that meant she was fine. More often than not it meant she really wasn't. 

Najia and Sonya's kayak pulled up level with theirs, Najia in the front and Sonya in the back and Hakim seemed to finally be figuring out how not to paddle in small circles to join them. 

"Shall we go?" called Hakim.

The rest of the family nodded in affirmation and they spread out naturally, as they paddled across the lake. The water was completely calm and as they paddled Yaz noted that the Doctor actually seemed to be getting the hang of coordinating her paddle and from what Yaz could see of her posture, she seemed to be reasonably relaxed. 

When they had looked into kayaking they had considered stopping half way along for a picnic at what was apparently a popular spot but unfortunately they had decided that there was no way they could get the Doctor safely out of a kayak, onto the bank and carry her to a picnic spot and back again. Even if they had her wheelchair it wouldn't have been easy or particularly safe so instead they had settled for a brunch at the tent and had plans to go out for dinner later. Hakim wanted to take Najia out on a date so Yaz, the Doctor and Sonya were going to do their own thing.

The sun was hot on their wetsuits and Yaz was soon building up a sweat, trying to keep in time with the Doctor's slightly erratic paddling style, it was hard to tell if that was because of her brain injury or simply a part of her generally chaotic personality. Probably a combination of both.

With the Doctor facing away from her, they couldn't really chat but the Doctor seemed to have fallen into a conversation with Najia and Yaz allowed herself to chat to Sonya which mainly consisted of mocking their dad who was really struggling to make his kayak follow his family.

“Is the Doctor better today?” Sonya asked Yaz in a low voice. Not that it mattered, the Doctor would be able to hear anyway, though Sonya didn’t know that. And the Doctor was very good at pretending she hadn't overheard things that people didn’t think she should be able to.

“Define better. Her brain is calmer today and she's recovered from the seizure. She’s pretty much as good as she gets.”

“Don’t you get tired?”

“Of what?”

Sonya looked ahead, making sure Najia and the Doctor were still engrossed in conversation. They were.

“Of caring for her. Of her having days were she’s more like your child than your girlfriend and you spend all your time looking after her.”

“Sure” Yaz replied honestly. “Our lives would be much easier if she didn’t have brain damage but she does and we can't change it. I don’t love her any less. Of course I have days where I can't be bothered but I would never want someone else to do it. I would take a hundred bad days with her for one good one.”

“God you really do love her don’t you.” Sonya said in mock disgust.

“Yes I do.” Yaz replied simply. “She's the best person I’ve ever met.”

“I don’t think I could do it Yaz. I know you love her and all, but I just can't imagine doing the stuff you do for her for someone else.”

“It’s not like I pictured our lives being like this either. But she could have died several times over. Or her mental health could have spiralled so far that we couldn’t reach her, and I would be stuck with visiting a drugged up, drooling wreck in a mental hospital so we’ll take what we can get.”

The lake they were kayaking down gradually narrowed into the famous Norfolk broads. The waterways were wide enough for two kayaks to paddle together side by side comfortably, sometimes three, surrounded by the beautiful Norfolk countryside. It was peaceful and relaxing, especially as Yaz became more able to match the Doctor’s paddling.

Just in front of Yaz and Sonya, the Doctor was talking to Najia. She was finding it easier to paddle smoothly now they had been going for a while and having to talk to Yaz’s mum was, to her surprise, helping more than hindering. 

“How’re you doing Doctor?” Najia asked politely.

The Doctor reddened slightly which was nothing to do with the exertion of paddling.

“Much better thanks.”

“Can I ask you something, the seizures, do they hurt? It was so frightening to watch.”

The Doctor scrunched up her face. “Yaz always tells me she knows a seizure is coming up to a couple of hours before they happen because apparently my behaviour changes. I never remember that bit but when it hits I can feel myself fading away though I can't control it. During the seizure I'm not aware of much. I can hear people talking but it’s like the words don’t really hit home, I get the tone of a person’s voice more. It’s more painful afterwards, feels like I’ve been hit by a truck and my head is pounding. It’s why I sleep for so long after.”

“That sounds horrific for you.”

“I’m sorry you had to see it Najia. I can't control them.”

“We know you can't sweetheart, we were just worried about you. Please don’t apologise for things you have no control over.”

“You sound like Yaz” the Doctor remarked absentmindedly.

Najia laughed. “I came first, Yaz sounds like me!”

The group paddled a circular route around a small part of the broads that was about eight miles long. They weren’t particularly concerned about setting any speed records, so it was another five hours before they ended up back at the small centre where they had hired the kayaks from earlier that afternoon. The Doctor and Yaz had got into a good rhythm together, managing to work with each other rather than against, Yaz occasionally taking up the slack and taking over all of the muscle to allow the Doctor to rest. Najia and Sonya had been a slightly less successful pair as they had often been unable to communicate with each other or else Sonya got bored with paddling and just let her mum take over without telling her. Hakim had remained fairly hopeless, continually crashing into the other kayaks or the bank or on one occasion a very irate swan but it had been funny to watch him.

When they pulled up at the accessible dock, Joe and Evan were waiting for them. In front of them, Yaz could see Kirsty helping her dad who seemed to have got his foot stuck. Although the Doctor had, as far as Yaz could tell, been calm and relaxed while on the water, she instantly became tense when she realised that the only way out of the kayak was via the hoyer lift. Yaz got out first and hooked the straps on the sling that the Doctor was still sitting on to the lift, double checking that they were secure.

“Evan’s going to control the lift but I’m going to stay with you” Yaz reassured the Doctor who looked on the verge of panicking. “He’ll lift you only as high as he has to and when you're high enough, I’ll move the sling and guide you into your chair. It’s right behind you and ready. Then Evan will let the lift down slowly and I’ll unhook the sling and help you get it out from under you. Understand?”

There was no point in asking her if that was okay because she didn’t have another choice.

The Doctor took a deep breath but granted her consent. She shut her eyes tightly and held her hands out for Yaz to take which she did, squeezing slightly and rubbing the Doctor’s hands with her thumbs. The ordeal was over in a few minutes and Yaz and the Doctor followed the others back towards the changing rooms, collecting their bags from lockers on the way.

Even the Doctor, who’s arms were exhausted from all the paddling and had point blank refused to cooperate when she had tried to dress herself and push her own wheelchair back to the car, had been quicker than Sonya who had been enjoying the luxury of a shower that ran for as long as she wanted it to rather than running out after about six minutes and needing to top it up with another token like they had to do on the campsite.

Hakim drove them all to the small town near the campsite. He and Najia were going out for dinner to a nearby hotel just the two of them while Yaz, the Doctor and Sonya were going to an American themed diner in the town itself and would walk back to the tent afterwards.

Sonya went into the diner first, holding the door open for Yaz who was pushing the Doctor’s chair. After all their hard work, her arms really had given up on doing what they were told though after a rest and some food they would hopefully kick themselves back into gear. Actually, hopefully before that or the Doctor was going to really struggle to feed herself and rather than letting Yaz feed her in public she would probably refuse to eat.

The waitress who greeted them at the door showed them to a booth, the only table available and Yaz helped the Doctor transfer into the bright red seat and slipped in beside her. The Doctor shoved her glasses up her nose and pretended to look at the menu studiously though Yaz could see her trying to jiggle some life back into her arms underneath the table and she lightly caught hold of her wrist, sending her a reassuring smile.

The whole restaurant was done up in a red and white theme with red booths, white formica tables, each with it's own connection to the huge, retro juke box in the corner, black and white tiled floor and ridiculous posters on the wall asking patrons not to dance in the aisles, and asking women to mind their petticoats. The whole thing felt a bit retro space-age. 

Yaz and Sonya were pleased to discover that, surprisingly, the restaurant was halal and all three women ordered cheeseburgers which came with chips and onion rings. When they had placed their order, Sonya disappeared to the bathroom.

"Somehow, having been in a real 1950's American Diner, this isn't quite the same." Yaz remarked thoughtfully. 

"That were Alabama though" the Doctor pointed out. "Somewhere like New York would have been a bit more exciting."

"Would it have looked like this?"

"Umm no, probably not" the Doctor conceded.

"And they're a bit discriminatory on the petticoats, they really weren't that bad in the 1950's. They should have seen them in the 1800's with the crinolines. Some of them were a couple of meters all the way round Yaz! So impractical!"

"Did you ever wear one?"

"No... I were a man remember?" 

"I know you say it but I find it hard to believe. Can't picture you as a man. Did you wear rainbows then too?"

"Nah, each face has had their own dress sense."

"Oh... and this one got too short trousers and rainbow t-shirts?"

"Hey I like my trousers and rainbows. And I can't wear too short trousers anymore anyway."

"Sure you can, you just don't want to show off your prosthetic."

At that moment Sonya slid into the booth opposite them. She had clearly topped up her make-up though who she was hoping to impress in a diner Yaz wasn't sure. She was easily the best dressed of the group in her best jeans and a nice top where as Yaz was in her oldest, comfiest jeans and her favourite leather jacket and the Doctor was wearing what she always did. 

Their food arrived a minute later, for some inexplicable reason it was served in plastic baskets, as if someone somewhere thought baskets were cooler than plates. Thankfully though, the meal was finger food and although Yaz had to cut the Doctor's burger in half for her to make it more manageable she was more relaxed now and able to feed herself without any more incident than Yaz or Sonya. There was plenty of spillage of salad and a few drips of ketchup form all of them. There really was no neat way to eat massive cheeseburgers. But they were really good. 

"Doctor, I've decided, I think I would like to take you up on the offer of maths tutoring if it's still okay" Sonya announced shyly as she licked salt off her fingers from the chips.

Yaz looked at her in surprise, she had been sure Sonya had been using her maths skills as an excuse for not going to university, though now it sounded like she was serious. 

"Of course it is" the Doctor agreed easily. "Give me a couple of weeks to get moved to the new house and figure out what you need to learn. It's a GCSE you're doing yeah?"

Sonya snorted. "In theory. If you can teach me that much maths you'll be a miracle worker."

"I'm really clever" the Doctor retorted immodestly. 

"Being 'really clever' doesn't automatically make you a good teacher." Sonya pointed out. 

"True. But I'm a good teacher too, I used to lecture in university and I always had great feedback from my students."

"What did you teach?"

"Bit of this, bit of that. I were always going off topic and getting into trouble. But officially astrophysics and general sciences. And I did some private tutoring in maths, physics, chemistry, engineering, mechanics..." She trailed off at the look Sonya was giving her.

"You're serious aren't you?"

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"

"If you're that smart why are you tutoring me in GCSE maths?"

"Because you're Yaz's sister. Because my brain needs to do more. Because I actually like teaching."

"I'll probably be the stupidest person you've ever tried to teach." Sonya mumbled despondently. 

"Somehow I doubt that very much." the Doctor disagreed, thinking of some of her former students. "Don't turn up hungover and smelling of your own vomit and you'll be amazed at how much you can learn."

"Uni students actually do that?"

"Urgh all the time. Had one fresher throw up all over me a few years ago. I made sure he was in all of my tutorials after that. He never got over the humiliation of it, I never got the stench of vomit out of my shoes. And I was so dapper then."

Sonya laughed. "I can't imagine you as dapper."

"Tall, pencil thin, grey, Scottish, dressed in a four piece suit most days, military polished shoes, got told I ran like a penguin with my arse on fire..." the Doctor whispered in Yaz's ear and Yaz giggled at the imagery, trying to picture the Doctor in anything than her usual, slightly scruffy rainbow shirts.

Sonya paid the bill with some money Hakim had slipped her and the three of them left the diner together to walk back to the campsite. It was about two miles to walk but the weather was pleasant and balmy, not too hot and the sun hadn't yet set over the small, Norfolk town.

Somehow, the path they were following was not living up to Norfolk's reputation for being flat and Yaz had to push the Doctor's chair for her up and down the badly maintained footpaths while she tried to calm her leg which was giving lots of small jerks to show its displeasure at being so badly jostled. But their conversation continued to flow easily and Yaz felt considerably more relaxed at seeing how much better the Doctor and Sonya got on with each other now. Ever since they had given the talk at the station, Sonya had had a much better understanding of why the Doctor was the way she was. It made Yaz's life much easier. 

When they wandered into the campsite an hour later Yaz went off in the direction of the toilet block, rolling her eyes when the Doctor spotted the dessert truck that had set up for the evening on the site and made a bee line for it. 

Sonya wandered off after the Doctor who was already studying the chalkboard menu set to one side of the van.

"What's a freakshake?" she asked Sonya as she appeared behind her.

"It's like a really thick milkshake made out of ice-cream and covered in whipped cream, sauce and has things like slices of cake and chocolate bars shoved in."

"That sounds amazing! Do you think they would stick custard creams in?"

"I mean... probably. Not sure it would be my first choice but whatever floats your boat I guess."

The van wasn't busy and Sonya and the Doctor only had to wait a few minutes to be served. However the hatch was level with Sonya's shoulders and therefore far out of the Doctor's reach and she allowed Sonya to place her order of a chocolate espresso freakshake which Yaz would definitely disapprove of, her own order of ice-cream and waffles and they settled on some strawberry crepes for Yaz which were her favourite. By the time the guy in the van had handed over the individual bags of desserts and the tray of drinks, they knew they were going to have trouble getting it all back. 

"I can push your chair if you can balance the stuff" Sonya suggested after they fumbled for a few moments. 

The Doctor was surprised. While Sonya's attitude towards her had softened, she never got too close. "Yeah that's fine" she agreed, putting the cardboard cups of tea on her lap and balancing the desserts precariously on top while Sonya nervously took the handles of the Doctor's wheelchair and pushed her in the direction of the tent. It was less intimidating than she had been expecting and, impressively, they made it back to the tent without spilling anything just as the first spots of rain started to appear. 

Sonya relieved the Doctor of all the drinks and desserts, hurrying them inside before they got wet and depositing them on the table.

"Aren't you coming in?" she called to the Doctor who was still out in the rain.

"I don't want to track my muddy tyres in over the tent floor and I might rip it or something."

"So just get out..."

"I can't" the Doctor admitted, frustrated. "I only just learned how but I barely managed to feed myself at dinner and I couldn't push myself back here. There's no way my arms are gonna be strong enough to get me to the floor without throwing myself at it."

"How do I help? Yaz will only tell us both off if she comes back and you're sitting in the rain."

The Doctor took a breath. No one but Yaz and Ryan ever helped her in or out of her chair. Or indeed, had ever even offered and she wasn't quite sure how she felt about Sonya getting quite so up close and personal. But she was right, Yaz would be annoyed if she didn't get herself out of the rain. And she had no desire to sit there and gradually get wetter and wetter because Yaz was taking ages. 

"Come up behind me" the Doctor directed Sonya finally. Put your right arm tightly around my waist and your left under my left arm. I'm going to shuffle forwards, you just need to control my descent and not let me land in a heap on the floor."

"Right, I can do that" Sonya said with more confidence than she felt and moved into position, following the Doctor's instructions. It went better than she thought and when she was on the ground the Doctor bum shuffled into the tent, leaning her back against a storage box for support. 

“Thanks” she offered shyly.

Yaz finally reappeared a few minutes later, just as the Doctor was taking a massive sip of the freakshake, she already had an ice-cream moustache and was licking it off delightedly. 

"Sorry, there's a plumber down there doing some sort of upgrades so only one stall is open and it's taking forever" Yaz explained, plonking herself down on the floor next to her girlfriend and sister and accepting the cup of tea and crepes.

"What the hell is that?" Yaz asked in horror, looking at the monstrosity that the Doctor was drinking.

"Espresso ice-cream with whipped cream, caramel sauce, chocolate sauce, strawberry sauce, two fingers of twix, chocolate sprinkles and topped with chocolate fudge cake" the Doctor explained delightedly.

Yaz groaned.

"What's the matter?" Sonya asked her.

"You've never seen the Doctor on a sugar high have you?" asked Yaz. 

"No..."

"Imagine a toddler who ate an entire tub of gummy bears. And then multiply that by about a hundred. And then imagine the most annoying person in the universe and that's what the Doctor's like on sugar. And I can't believe you've got caffeine in there too."

"I am _not_ that bad" the Doctor protested indignantly.

"Yes you are."

"And there's caffeine in tea. I drink tea all the time."

"I've been buying the caffeine free variety since you moved in."

"What?" the Doctor exclaimed, looking utterly betrayed as Sonya laughed behind them.

"Oh don't look at me like that, you didn't even notice!"

"But Yaz!"

"I've even been cutting back on the sugar slowly..."

"But... Yaz!"

Sonya was now in hysterics behind them.

"Look at you, you're practically vibrating and you've had hardly any of that."

"I am not!" the Doctor protested, making a concentrated effort to sit still and failing miserably. 

Yaz raised her eyebrows at her in response and the Doctor stuck her tongue out childishly, taking a huge bite of the chocolate cake. 

"Yaz! Yaz! Yaz! We should have a party!" the Doctor proclaimed excitedly twenty minutes later. Somehow, despite being sat on the floor and therefore being largely immobile, she was bouncing up and down, hands flapping and rather than speaking slowly like someone who was trying not to sound drunk, her words were pouring out at a hundred miles an hour, all running into each other and slurring just as much as she always did making it very difficult for Yaz to catch what she was saying.

"Doctor, it's just the three of us here and we're in a tent." Yaz reminded her sensibly.

"You're right... We need music! And dancing... Ooooh we need a disco light!"

The camping lantern was sitting on top of the box she was leaning against and she grabbed it enthusiastically, rummaging in her pocket for the sonic. 

Yaz left her to it and went to change, her clothes were damp after her mad dash from the toilet block to the tent. It was a low-tech camping lantern. What was the worst she could do? 

"You look so beautiful Yaz!" the Doctor shouted cheerfully as Yaz reappeared from their pod in a too big, purple hoodie that came down almost to her knees and her tatty, green leggings with a hole in them.

Yaz looked down at herself, bemused. "Umm thanks..." she said slowly.

The Doctor wriggled where she was sitting and went back to her sonicing. Yaz jumped as she suddenly started singing...

_"My life is brilliant_ _  
_ _My love is pure_ _  
_ _I saw an angel_ _  
_ _Of that I'm sure"_

"Doctor, are you singing Christina Aguilera?" Yaz asked in astonishment as Sonya sniggered.

"Dunno. Was I? Anyway it's true Yaz. Y'are an angel. And I really _really_ love you. And I'm sure of that."

Yaz turned to Sonya accusingly. "See this is why we don't give her sugar!"

It was going to be a long night. 

Yaz fished her book out of her bag and sank down beside Sonya who was scrolling through social media on her phone, trying to ignore the irritating humming the Doctor was doing. Yaz knew she actually had a beautiful singing voice that she had once loved to listen to but she really wasn't showing it off to capacity this evening and it sounded more akin to caterwauling. The Doctor hadn't been happy enough to sing for a long time and Yaz realised with a start just how much she had missed it. She didn’t think she had heard the Doctor sing since they had all sung Auld Lang Syne at New Years, just before they met the Dalek a few years ago. Not that the screeching the Doctor was currently doing could be really classed as singing. Yaz just hoped they weren't upsetting any of the neighbouring tents though thankfully there weren't very many. 

"Yazzy Yazzy Yaz!" the Doctor shouted suddenly, grinning triumphantly. 

Yaz stared at her. Yazzy?

"What?" she asked, her voice full of trepidation.

"Look we can party now!" she crowed.

The Doctor pointed her sonic at the lantern and all of a sudden the tent was full of flashing, coloured lights and somehow, even more inexplicably, Mambo No. 5 was playing loudly.

"Doctor what the hell did you do?" Yaz shouted over the noise while Sonya stared in astonishment. 

"We're going to have a party Yaz! You said we could!"

"No I did not. You said we could."

"Dance with me Yaz? Pleeeeeaaaaaasssssseeeeee?"

"Doctor, it's late. It's cold and it's wet and I just wanna sit here in my fuzzy socks and read my book in peace."

"That's no fun Yaz! We should dance!"

"Is she drunk?" Sonya whispered.

"No. Some idiot gave her a month's supply of sugar and caffeine in one go" Yaz whispered back. 

"Is she like a gremlin or something?"

"Apparently."

"Stop talking about me" the Doctor whined. "Come on let's dance!"

"What are you gonna do? The Bum Shuffle?" Sonya asked, a little unkindly.

But the Doctor was far from offended. Instead her whole face lit up delightedly. 

"I can do that!" she shouted gleefully and started wriggling around again, waving her arms as the music changed from Mambo No. 5 to the Macarena.

"Who the hell educated you in music?" Yaz groaned. 

"Yaz! Quit your whining and dance with me. We're doing this." the Doctor demanded. 

Yaz accepted defeat, wondering if she danced with the Doctor for a few minutes would it burn off some of the ridiculous high she was on and allow her to calm down. 

She got up on her knees, making her way to the other side of the tent where the Doctor was already losing herself in the music.

“We’re doing the bum shuffle Yaz not the knee shuffle” the Doctor scolded. “I only have one knee so it’s not fair” she added conspiratorially.

Yaz sat down, half amused and half exasperated as the Doctor grabbed her hands and nudged at them until Yaz laced their fingers together before she started waving them manically and enthusiastically through the air.

“Put some effort into it Yaz!”

The Doctor’s whole upper torso was moving, getting wilder and wilder until she toppled herself over completely.

“Oops!” She was lying in a giggling heap on the floor and Yaz couldn’t help but join in as she hauled the Doctor back into a sitting position and held her there securely as she continued to laugh.

“I love you Yaz! You’re the bestest!” she proclaimed, kissing Yaz sloppily.

“I love you too Doctor.” Yaz replied, still not entirely sure what to make of the Doctor’s ridiculousness.

“Is this what she was like before she got sick?” Sonya asked, still staring as the Doctor now sang the cha-cha slide but making up her own lyrics with actions she could perform.

“Uhh, I mean she was always a bit hyper but this is way past that.”

Yaz put her head in her hands as the Doctor sang “Bum shuffle! Real smooth! Do-do-do-do-do.”

As the song ended the Doctor shuffled forwards and wrapped her arms around Yaz enthusiastically. Yaz frowned as she felt the Doctor’s thumping heart beat. She pulled forwards, putting the back of one hand against the Doctor’s forehead and checking the pulse point in her neck with the other.

“Yaaaaz what are you doing?” the Doctor whinged, wriggling away from Yaz.

“You’re sweating, temperature through the roof and your hearts are beating way too fast.” Yaz explained to her worriedly.

“I’m fiiiiiine Yaz” the Doctor sang at her, ignoring Yaz’s concerns.

“Doctor” Yaz said sternly “I want you to drink your bottle of water and try and sit still while you do it okay?”

“You’re being boring Yaz!” the Doctor complained but she did take the water, guzzling it greedily although she didn’t manage to sit still.

“Urgh, I’m going to bed, I need some peace” Sonya complained, getting up and wandering into her own pod.

“Right Doctor’ let’s go out.” Yaz decided on a whim, pulling on her trainers.

“Oooh where’re we going?” the Doctor asked excitedly, already heading to the door of the tent.

Thankfully it had stopped raining and the Doctor’s wheelchair, which had been under the canopy, was dry. The Doctor was nothing if not enthusiastic as she valiantly attempted to get into her chair on her own. Considering she had never managed it on her own while fully sober, it was no surprise that she failed in her manic state, buzzed off caffeine and high on sugar. Yaz resisted the urge to roll her eyes at her girlfriend as she helped her into the wheelchair and fastened the seatbelt for her, the Doctor being far too busy singing Celine Dion with accompanying, dramatic hand gestures to do it for herself.

“Where’re we going Yaz? Tell me!”

“Trying to burn off some of your energy. I need sleep and Sonya needs sleep and you definitely need sleep.”

“Sleep is for wimps!”

“Then we’re all wimps. Let’s go.”

Yaz set a brisk pace along the smooth paths of the campsite, and was pleased when the Doctor found it difficult to keep up – meaning she had to concentrate on pushing herself faster instead of singing which was a significant improvement.

Yaz estimated the loop around the perimeter site was about a mile long. After one lap the Doctor was tiring, no longer talking at a hundred miles an hour about the Lost Moon of Poosh (Yaz had no idea if it was real or a fairytale) but she was still jittery so they started a second lap. By the end of the third lap of the site the Doctor was barely moving. She had had a long day with no nap – all the kayaking, physio that morning, two long walks and Yaz hoped wearing her out physically would help her sleep when they got back to the tent. They stopped off at the toilet block on the way back where the Doctor was so sleepy Yaz had to dress her and then push her back to the tent.

When they got back, Najia and Hakim had arrived and were sharing a cup of tea before bed and Yaz could hear soft snores coming from Sonya’s pod. The Doctor slowly made her way to their pod while Yaz said goodnight to her parents before joining her girlfriend for bed.

The Doctor was staring at her sleeping bag looking confused and Yaz unzipped it for her so she could drag herself in. Yaz settled in beside her, sighing in contentment. The sleeping mat they had chosen was designed with high levels of comfort in mind and Yaz was very comfortable. Or at least she should have been.

“Doctor lie still” she mumbled as the Doctor fidgeted and twitched beside her.

“My brain is fizzarkling.” The Doctor hissed back.

“What?”

“Somewhere between fizzing and sparkling.”

“Oh. Sure.”

The Doctor wriggled again, this time hitting Yaz in the stomach.

“Ooft”

“Sorry Yaz”

“Oh for… come here.”

“What’re you… oh that’s nice.” She conceded as Yaz wrapped the Doctor tightly with a combination of her arms, legs and the sleeping bag, like an octopus engulfing its prey.

After a few minutes of deep pressure the Doctor’ body began to still and she slowly relaxed into sleep. In turn Yaz relaxed her hold of her so she could sleep.

_One, two, three, four, five  
Everybody in the car, so come on, let's ride…_

“Oh for goodness sake” Yaz groaned as Mambo No. 5 started going round in her head.


	80. Chapter 80

“This is Susan, you’re going to be riding her.” Cathy explained, introducing the Doctor to a medium sized dark brown horse with black mane. “She’s our most experienced riding for the disabled horse so you’ll be fine with her.”

The Doctor reached up and gently stroked the horse’s velvety nose with her fist. Susan blinked lazily in pleasure.

“Do you have any questions before we get you up?” Cathy asked.

The Doctor shook her head, concentrating on rubbing Susan’s nose. She was clad in a carefully fitted riding hat and air vest over her clothes though Yaz would be lying if she said she wasn’t incredibly anxious about the consequences if the Doctor were to fall.

They had already spent half an hour sitting in an office going through the Doctor’s medical condition in much the same way they had the day before when they went kayaking. Yaz wasn’t surprised to learn that the Doctor was apparently an experienced rider, she had so many random skills. Now they were in front of Susan, the horse the Doctor would be riding, and Lady, a beautiful dapple grey pony that Yaz would be riding. They were going to do a couple of laps of the large sand school to allow the Doctor to get the feel for riding again before the family would be allowed to go on a hack. All of the Khans could ride, though they weren’t as experienced as the Doctor who admittedly had a significant advantage of apparently being able to speak horse.

The family had a rule, each family member got to choose a holiday activity. Felbrigg Hall had been Najia’s choice, the Doctor had chosen kayaking, and now horse riding was Sonya’s choice – she had been a very keen keen rider as a child.

Yaz was given a boost to mount her stout little pony, knowing she would be able to feel her ample girth tomorrow, and rode close to the ramped mount that Cathy was going to use to help the Doctor onto Susan. The Doctor was significantly calmer about things today and Yaz had encouraged her to go with Cathy, who had a calm, capable and confident manner seemed entirely comfortable with the Doctor’s disabilities, on her own which she had done with no argument. Yaz watched from Lady’s warm back as Cathy talked the Doctor through a transfer into the adaptive saddle which had more of a bucket than normal and would help the Doctor sit upright without slouching or slumping sideways. After a discussion with Cathy the Doctor had decided against wearing her prosthetic so Cathy helped her position her foot in the safety stirrup and had used a small weight to balance the Doctor out on her other side. She also had loop reins which would be easier for her to manage with virtually no grip.

By the time the Doctor and Yaz had completed two laps of the sand school the Doctor had relaxed entirely on Susan’s back and was quietly confident and in control as she guided Susan to where she wanted to go. She was a much better rider than Sonya who had gone to their local stables a couple of times a week for years.

After reassurances from Cathy who assured them that the trail was well signposted, Yaz followed the Doctor out of the sand school towards the trail where her family were waiting. Sonya’s horse, a tall palomino called Monty led the way, followed by Hakim on a stout black horse called Georgia and Najia on a short pony called Champ.

The weather was hotter than it had been and humid, most likely a storm would roll in over the next day or two, and Yaz could feel herself sweating under her back protector after just a few minutes.

“I rode another horse called Susan once” the Doctor commented as they ducked under some low hanging branches on trees. “We were in the Wild West of America and his silly owner kept trying to tell me his name was Joshua. Honestly! He was so prejudiced Yaz!”

“We don’t all have our TARDIS translating every language in the universe you know.” Yaz pointed out.

“You lot, so primitive!” the Doctor huffed dramatically.

“Hey! Don’t be so rude!”

“Sorry” the Doctor said, not sounding in the least like she meant it. “Don’t include you in that Yaz. You’re ‘mazin.”

“Yeah sure… Did you have horses on Gallifrey?”

“Sort of. We had an animal called an olpa, it was pretty similar to a horse but their hair was more brightly coloured. I had one called Marcus when I were growing up, it were bright yellow with a blue mane.”

“Sounds like a My Little Pony”

“What’s that?”

“Cartoon series and toys. Not sure which came first but it’s about a series of ponies with ridiculously sugary names and high, squeaky voices. Wasn’t really my scene as a kid, I was more into my roller skates if I'm honest.”

The path narrowed a little and Yaz allowed the Doctor to go in front of her. From behind, Yaz could see just how straight her posture was. In her wheelchair, she was usually a little slumped, leaning a little to one side (more than a little if she was tired) as although her chair had been designed for her it had been designed when she had no issues with sitting but quite frankly, they couldn’t afford another one. Well, the Doctor could but it was her money and if she wanted a different wheelchair then she could buy it. But it was nice to see her so straight and yet so relaxed.

The path had widened again and Yaz urged Lady to speed up and draw up along side the Doctor and Susan.

“Yaz, what are you doing?” the Doctor asked her.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re staring at me. I'm getting used to the stares, but they don’t usually come from you.”

“I'm not” Yaz protested.

“Fine, then why do you keep looking at me, smiling and then looking away. You’re on my right, I have peripheral vision on that side remember? Means I can actually see you.”

“I was just thinking that I don’t even remember the last time I saw you look so relaxed and happy.”

“I'm happy when I'm with you Yaz.”

Yaz smiled back at her but she didn’t really believe her. The Doctor was incredibly down, the gruelling routine of physiotherapy, hydrotherapy and occupational therapy punctuated by seizures and breakdowns were hard for them to cope with and the relaxed atmosphere of the camping holiday was absolutely what they had both needed. And Yaz hated to admit it, but the soothing presence of her parents and even her sister was helpful, keeping things upbeat and normal, thinking nothing of some of the Doctor’s stranger behaviours, welcoming her warmly into the family and preventing everything from being about the Doctor’s continuing and demanding health needs.

“Yaz are you sure you're alright?” the Doctor asked her.

“I’m fine love, just thinking.”

“Penny for them.”

“They’re worth a lot more than that” Yaz joked. She sighed when the Doctor kept staring at her, silently demanding an answer. “I'm just really enjoying this holiday. The chance to spend more time with my family. To spend time with you just relaxing. I think I really needed this.”

“I'm sorry Yaz, I know I'm not easy to live with” The Doctor said guiltily.

“It’s nothing to do with you being easy or otherwise to live with. I just needed a change of pace. I'm having a really good time and I’m so glad you’re here with us.”

 _And well enough to enjoy it_ she thought but didn’t say it.

“I’m glad to be here too Yaz.”

The wooded path they were following started to thin out into a pleasant clearing and lake which Cathy had assured them was the perfect spot for the picnic they had packed. The horses seemed to recognise where they were, and whinnied with pleasure, ambling comfortably over to the edge of the treeline where Cathy had explained they were normally tethered and there were proper tethering ropes for them to use already left there. Sonya shimmied down from Monty first, securing him easily before doing the same to Susan while the rest of the family took care of their own horses. While none of them rode routinely anymore, all four of them had ridden as children and knew what they were doing though Sonya was easily the most experienced.

Yaz and Sonya worked together to get the Doctor off of Susan. They helped her get her foot out of its stirrup and place her hands on the saddle before having to just slide sideways and trust that they would catch her, which they did easily. Sonya held her upright in a standing position for a moment to allow Yaz to turn round and pull the Doctor onto her back in a piggyback to carry her over the grass and then lowered her gently onto the picnic blanket that Hakim had already spread out on the grass beside the lake.

The trail, which belonged to the stables was quiet. Cathy had told them that there were several other groups of riders out that morning though they hadn't seen any sign of them. The benefit of staying on their land though was that in the pre-designated picnic points there was water and tethers for the horses and mounting blocks for the riders which was all kept maintained and ready to be used.

“These sandwiches are amazing Najia” the Doctor enthused as she bit into the submarine roll filled with tuna, salad cream and lettuce, a look of bliss on her face.

“Thanks love” Najia replied, looking slightly bemused at how enthusiastic the Doctor was being over the very simple sandwiches and positively revolted when she added in her banana which Yaz had peeled for her.

Along with the sandwiches there was a selection of fruit, packets of crisps, bottles of juice and biscuits and Najia watched her family polish off the lot with astonishment.

“The horses won't be able to carry you lot back” she protested as the last pear was snagged by Hakim and Sonya took the last biscuit.

“You complain about how much we eat on picnics every time we have a picnic dear. I don’t know why you’re still surprised by it.” Hakim pointed out to his wife.

“Because it still astounds me every time! That should have fed at least eight of us.”

“Why did you bring a picnic for eight when there are only five of us?”

“Because I know what you lot are like!”

“This conversation is going round in circles” Sonya groaned, flopping down onto the picnic blanket. “I need a nap before we head back.” She threw her arm over her face to block out the sunlight. Najia and Hakim sidled up a little closer to each other and Yaz and the Doctor both lay down, Yaz resting her head on the Doctor’s stomach, sighing in the contentment as the Doctor absentmindedly started playing with her hair.

After an hour of lying in the sun, with the weather beginning to shift and threatening clouds slowly rolling in over head, they decided it was probably time to head back, the stables were a two hour ride or so and it was already mid-afternoon.

Although they had already worked out a plan, getting the Doctor back onto her horse wasn’t going to be an easy task. Hakim collected Susan from where she was tethered, bringing her over to the large mounting block, holding her still (unnecessarily as the Doctor had already explained to her what was going to happen and asked her to stay still which she had promised to do). Sonya mounted Susan, sitting on her bare back behind the saddle while Yaz and Najia got the Doctor into a supported standing position, held up by Najia. Yaz climbed onto the mounting block and, with Najia’s help, lifted the Doctor into her arms before straightening up and passing her up to Sonya who caught her under the arms and dragged her into the saddle. The Doctor flopped bonelessly against her for a few moments while Yaz helped hold her steady until Najia was at Susan’s other side and Yaz passed the Doctor’s leg over so they could help her sit properly, secured her foot into the stirrup and made sure her hands had a good grasp of the rein loops before Sonya dismounted. While the process wasn’t particularly dignified, it had worked smoothly and Yaz was glad her family had been there to help, it would have been much more difficult if it had been just her and the Doctor.

Yaz was impressed with just how well the Doctor coped with being manhandled by three separate people and indeed how comfortable her family were with doing it. They weren’t uncomfortable with touching her though they kept a respectful distance, understanding that she didn’t like to be touched. Yaz knew they didn’t think less of her for needing the help even though the Doctor often felt embarrassed by it, they just included her naturally in what the rest of them were doing. Even Sonya was coming round which was extra strange and slightly disconcerting though also a blessed relief. The tension between Sonya and the Doctor had been a massive source of stress for Yaz.

The horses seemed eager to return back to the stables and walked faster than they had earlier in the morning. Yaz wasn’t surprised. The weather had definitely turned. There were dark, heavy clouds rolling in slowly overhead and the atmosphere had become even hotter and stuffier. There would definitely be a massive storm later.

When they arrived at the stables, Cathy came out to greet them and led them all into the sand school to dismount. She was followed by a group of teenagers who took each horse from its rider, clearly anxious to get them under cover before the storm hit. Cathy had once again taken charge of Susan and the Doctor. She was pushing the Doctor’s empty wheelchair in front of her as she guided the horse to the ramped mounting block and supported the Doctor to transfer out of the saddle and settle herself into her wheelchair. Yaz came up to meet her and helped the Doctor get herself out of the sand school and they headed back to the car just as the first spots of rain started to appear.

It was still raining though it wasn’t too heavy when they arrived back at the campsite and they all found something to do to stay busy. Yaz was pleased the launderette on site was open again and took the wet clothes from when the Doctor had had her seizure down to wash and dry. Hakim challenged the Doctor to a game of chess, Najia settled in with her book and Sonya was messaging Ryan, trying to hide the smile on her face from her parents.

The atmosphere in the tent was warm and cosy, especially with he soothing sounds of the rain on the tents canvas. The Doctor’s wheelchair was stored safely out of the rain in the car and she was propped up against the same box the she had the evening before. The lantern was lit, the Doctor had removed the speakers and strobe light features, but it was still throwing out a warm, deep yellow light rather than the bright white it had done before she had started tampering. But as the first rumbles of thunder rolled overhead, the atmosphere changed.

With the first noises from the sky the Doctor jumped violently, upsetting the chess board.

“Everything alright sweetheart?” Najia asked as a rogue Bishop landed on her book.

“Fine” she squeaked, jumping again as another crash of thunder sounded overhead and instinctively trying to hide her head.

“Doctor, are you frightened of thunderstorms?” Hakim asked her gently.

“No” she gasped. But as yet more thunder sounded, accompanied by a flash of lightening she curled in on herself, falling to the floor.

Sonya put her phone down, vaguely wondering how much longer Yaz was going to be. “This is PTSD isn’t it?” she asked gently.

But the Doctor didn’t answer. She was shaking violently as the thunder boomed. It was getting closer but it hadn’t passed overhead.

“Doctor, what do you need?” Najia asked sensibly, concerned by how quickly the Doctor had deteriorated from calm and relaxed in the middle of a game of chess to a wreck on the floor and she watched as the Doctor curled up in the foetal position on the floor, protecting her head and whimpering.

The whimpering quickly turned to moans as she pleaded with someone the rest of them couldn’t see. Hakim reached out and tried to comfort the Doctor with a hand to her shoulder but she actually screamed, jerking away from his touch and he quickly backed off. Whatever technique Yaz used to touch her and get close when she was like this he clearly didn’t have.

“What do we do?” he asked his wife, desperate to help the woman in front of him but having absolutely no idea how to go about it.

“Doctor I’m going to sit down beside you” Najia warned her and moved in slowly. “I’m going to put my hand on the floor beside yours, I want you to try and reach out and take it for me okay? You’re safe here.”

Najia waited for an age, but kept talking quietly to the Doctor, repeating her instruction and reassurances and finally the Doctor reached out very slowly, tentatively taking Najia’s hand and then squeezing it tightly, reflexively as thunder crashed again.

“Doctor, it’s Najia, you’re safe here. You’re in the tent. Sonya and Hakim are here too. Yaz will be back soon but you’re safe I promise.”

“Nooooooo… Please don’t make me. I don’t want to…” the Doctor begged, holding Najia’s hand in a death grip.

“Doctor” Najia said more firmly. “You’re in a tent. You’re safe. No one is going to make you do things you don’t want to.”

The Doctor started making noises like she was choking on something.

“What’s happening?” Hakim cried, anxiously, twisting his hands and feeling enormously ineffective.

Sonya had a sneaking suspicion she knew exactly what the Doctor was reliving. She knew more about what the Doctor had been put through than her parents but if she was wrong… 

“She’s reliving… something. Yaz said for her it’s like it’s happening all over again and very real.”

The choking sounds stopped but the Doctor was gagging on the floor. She had let go of Najia’s hand and was clawing at her face.

“I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to. Please don’t hurt me” she whimpered in between coughing and spluttering as the thunder rumbled overhead again.

“I don’t know what to do” Najia whispered hopelessly.

“You need to ground her” Sonya said. “You need to bring her back to the present.”

“But how do I do that?”

“I don’t know… Doesn’t Yaz hug her or something?”

“I don’t think she wants to be touched…”

“You have to try something! We can't leave her like this.”

The Doctor was still on the floor, curled up as tightly as her weakened body would allow. She was sobbing but she didn’t seem to be speaking English anymore. Najia didn’t recognise the language though she knew the Doctor spoke multiple languages… Irish possibly?

“Doctor, it’s Najia. It’s not real. Whatever you’re seeing is happening inside your head. You’re in the tent, you’re safe. No one is going to hurt you here, I promise.”

It was impossible to tell if the Doctor could hear her or if she was even aware that someone was talking to her.

“Doctor I’m going to take your hand now.” Najia explained over the noises she was making.

She was nervous as she tentatively reached out, grabbing the Doctor’s hand again, relieved when this didn’t seem to make the Doctor any worse though it didn’t stop the horrendous sounds she was making either.

“Doctor stop screaming! I promise you’re safe here.”

“Yaz wraps her in a blanket sometimes…” Sonya offered.

Hakim instantly disappeared out to the car and collected their picnic blanket from earlier.

“Doctor I’m going to wrap this blanket round your shoulders” Hakim warned her, bending down and cautiously wrapping the blanket around her tightly. It stilled her small but frantic movements somewhat. 

Najia used the slight lull to gently capture the Doctor’s other hand which had tracked claw marks down her scarred cheek. Not that it could make it much worse but still…

The Doctor didn’t fight Najia’s hold on her hands though she curled in on herself more, tucking her head down where it lightly collided with Najia’s knee.

Najia’s heart broke for the other woman as the screaming quietened into desperate sobbing and shaking. Reasonably sure that the Doctor was no longer somewhere else she carefully gathered her into her arms the way she would do Yaz or Sonya. The Doctor was very much alone in the world and while Najia hadn't been able to give her girls everything, the one thing they had always had was the safety, security and knowledge that they were loved. She knew little of the Doctor’s childhood but she had the impression that it had been nothing like Yaz’s and the number of people she must have lost to be so utterly alone didn’t bear thinking about. She caught Hakim’s eye who got the message and sank down beside them, wrapping his arm around both his wife and his… well his daughter in law in all but name.

When Yaz walked back into the tent a short while later it was to see the Doctor encased between her parents. Najia had her arms wrapped around her tightly and was smoothing and kissing her head the way Yaz remembered from her childhood, rocking her gently all the while. Her father had an arm protectively around them both. The Doctor, her face was a mess, blotchy and tear stained with gouge marks down her cheeks, she was wrapped tightly in a blanket and was trembling, interrupted only by jumping violently every time the thunder outside gave another rumble.

“What happened?” Yaz asked, directing the question to her parents, sensing that the Doctor was probably in no fit state to answer for herself.

“Don’t know, the thunder started and then she started screaming and attacking herself.”

“She was pleading with someone or something but then she stopped speaking English” Sonya added.

“Yeah that happens” Yaz reassured her, getting down on the floor in front of her girlfriend and gently offering her a hand to take. She took it but didn’t move from where she was safely cocooned in Najia’s arms.

“How’re you doing?” Yaz asked her gently.

The Doctor gave a jerky nod.

“Still finding talking hard?”

Another jerky nod.

“That’s okay. Take your time. You’re safe here. Safe with us.” Yaz reassured her, lightly stroking the Doctor’s hands with her thumbs. “Do you need anything?”

The Doctor shook her head.

“We were going to go out for pizza tonight but I’m thinking maybe I could order in instead” Hakim told Yaz and Yaz agreed with him. Hakim gently detached himself from Najia and the Doctor, picking up his phone to find a local pizza delivery service. Yaz sensed she was superfluous to requirements also and went to put the now clean and dry laundry away and fetching her book, leaving Najia to mother the Doctor.

The storm eventually blew itself out overnight though the rain didn’t let up and the family woke up warm and dry but in the middle of an incredibly soggy field so the decision was made to head into Norwich town centre and explore the castle, and, weather permitting, its famous market.

“Have you ever been to Norwich castle?” Yaz asked the Doctor as she lifted her into the car while Hakim stood behind them, protecting the two women from the rain with a large gold umbrella.

The Doctor had largely recovered from the flashback she had lived through the evening before though she had refused to talk about it. She was a little weaker than normal, a little more tired and slightly more on edge but she was reasonably calm and functioning which was pretty good. Sometimes a flashback could render her a total wreck, unable to get out of bed or be near anyone for days, lying in a darkened room under a weighted blanket. 

“Yeah a few times. I was there in 1067 when they started to build it but I’ve been since.”

“We’ll rely on you for the guided tour then.”

“Swiss cheese Yaz, remember?”

“Only the last few years. You know full well that your long term memory isn’t affected.”

“I don’t want to bore your family.”

“I love listening to you talk. You get so excited and passionate.” Yaz said softly, settling into the middle seat beside her.

“I'm sorry about last night” the Doctor apologised for about the tenth time that morning.

“Stop apologising. It doesn’t matter. And no one thinks any less of you for it. They understand.”

It took more than an hour to get to Norwich through heavy road works and it continued to rain heavily the whole way there. Hakim pulled into one of the accessible parking spaces and Yaz transferred the Doctor into her wheelchair before the whole family made a mad dash for the external lift which would bring them up the artificial hill to the level of the castle. They had another dash across the draw bridge to the entrance to the castle where they shook themselves off. By the nature of sitting in her chair, the Doctor was the wettest and she shook her head to rid her scarf of some of its dampness.

The woman at the desk sorted out their tickets, as usual giving Yaz the ticket of a free carer to the Doctor without asking and handing them a separate map to show the most accessible route through the castle.

“We can't go into the dungeons?” Yaz clarified.

“I’m afraid not.” The woman answered.

Yaz rolled her eyes, it was very rare they went anywhere that was entirely accessible.

“But we do have an AV tour of both the dungeons and battlements.” The woman said brightly as if watching a video was as good as going down to explore them in person. Though, Yaz reflected, the dungeons were set up to reflect the castles time as a prison and the Doctor probably wouldn’t want to see that.

They left the desk and went past the gift shop into the rotunda, where most of the exhibits stemmed off, heading straight to Boudica and Roman Britain.

“When was the last time you were here?” Yaz asked the Doctor, helping her bump down a step.

“Last time I was here for me or the most recent time in the castle’s history?”

“Castle’s history.”

“I was here when Elizabeth Fry did one of her visits, she was from Norfolk and introduced prison reforms which set the early standards for your modern day prisons. “

“She’s the woman who used to be on the five pound note?”

“That’s the one. She was born to a wealthy family in 1780. We were here with Robert Peel who passed the Gaols Act of 1823.”

“So if they were just visiting prisons, why were you here?”

The Doctor looked guilty.

“You weren’t in prison were you?”

“What, no! But my friend who I was travelling with at the time was. She was from the 1980s, I couldn’t leave her in prison in 1811 now could I?”

“You were busting her out?”

“Maybe. You going to arrest me Sargent?”

“Depends” Yaz joked. “Was there ever an arrest warrant issued for you?”

“No idea, I got out of here before I found out.”

They stopped to look at a display of the Roman artefacts. “Why” asked the Doctor “Are there toys in with the artefacts?”

Yaz looked, laughing when she spotted some Lego mini figures in Roman dress inside the display cabinets.

“Think it’s someone’s idea of joke love”

“Oh… I don’t get it… ooh dressing up clothes! Can we dress up Yaz?”

Yaz laughed again as she and the Doctor dug through the box of clothes, extracting togas and attempting to follow the printed instructions on the wall and ending up in a hopeless tangle.

“Oh muuum not now!” Yaz groaned as Najia took yet another photograph of them, Yaz practically in the Doctor’s lap where she had tripped over the stupid thing, the Doctor’s toga inexplicably draped around her head somehow, the two of them laughing hysterically.

“Trust me, you’ll want to remember moments like these when you’re old and saggy” Najia replied cheekily, snapping another photo, this time with the two women posing, Yaz standing behind the Doctor, leaning forward, her arms wrapped around her and the Doctor grasping Yaz’s hands across her chest.

When they finished with the Romans they had a wander through the art gallery. Neither Yaz nor the Doctor were particularly interested in the paintings though Hakim seemed to love them and they wandered through regardless. None of them were particularly interested in the Natural History section which contained nothing but stuffed animals which were giving Yaz the creeps so they walked through quickly and headed straight to the Ancient Egyptian section.

“I loved learning about Ancient Egypt in school” Yaz commented as she stared at a mummy. “I remember doing this big project about them and getting a commendation from my Headteacher. Pretty sure the certificate is still hanging up in my bedroom at mums house.”

“You could hang it in the new house.”

“I think I’ve got more recent commendations that I could hang instead than a colourful certificate from when I were twelve.”

“Fair enough… Did you know that Cleopatra lived closer in time to the invention of the iPhone to the building of the pyramids?”

“I did not. That’s insane.”

“Well the Ancient Egyptian Civilisation lasted for more than thirty centuries, that’s quite some achievement by anyone’s standard.”

They spent another hour exploring the castle keep, the Doctor transferring onto the Kings throne and wearing a ridiculous crown while Yaz sat on the Queens next to her, posing for yet another of Najia’s photographs and then playing with some curved blocks that could apparently be used to create a bridge, though it was much harder than it looked, before leaving the castle altogether. The rain had finally stopped and created a mid afternoon full of blazing sunshine and they headed towards the market stalls.

“This reminds me of home a little” the Doctor commented, reaching out and taking Yaz’s hand.

“Really?”

“When I was young, I used to collect Susan from school sometimes and we would go to the market on the way back home. I would buy her sweets her mother wouldn’t let her have and I would tell her stories about the stars. Of all my family, she was the one who always wanted to know more. Learn more… see more...” Her voice trailed off, tinged with sadness.

“She sounds a lot like you.”

“She was. The same sense of adventure I suppose.”

Yaz squeezed her hand tightly and the Doctor rested her head against Yaz’s arm affectionately for a moment.

“What would she have liked the most here?”

“The second-hand book stall” the Doctor answered with no hesitation. “She read even more than I did, anything and everything she could get her hands on. When we were first on earth together, she looked like a sixteen year old girl and went to school. She loved it, two of her teachers were the first humans I ever travelled with.”

“Will she still look like that or will she have regenerated?”

“Susan wasn’t a Time Lord, she can't regenerate. She’ll have aged but not as fast as a human would have.”

“It’s weird, you dropped her off to live her life with David thousands of years ago, by rights around the same time as the Egyptians we saw earlier and yet by earth’s timeline, it hasn’t happened yet.”

The Doctor smiled. “It’s what keeps me going” she said seriously. “Knowing that out there somewhere, everyone I have ever loved is still living their life, safe and happy. Just in another time.”

“That’s a nice way to think about it”

They ambled slowly through the market stalls. The Doctor spent ages at the second hand book stall, ploughing through old textbooks that had belonged to students from the local university and even buying a couple. They were all obscure, some of them Yaz wasn’t even sure what subject they were about but the Doctor seemed delighted and Yaz tucked them into the bag she kept on the back of her chair for her. They weighed a tonne. Besides the book shop there were fruit and veg stalls, bric-a-brac, jewellery, a butchers, fish and chips, antique, leatherworks and many more besides. Sonya dragged Yaz off to look at a range of hand made perfumes and the Doctor ended up following Hakim who was looking at some intricately hand carved wooden bowls and ornaments.

When they had had their fill of the market they walked through the ornate, Victorian arcade and through the town centre towards a small park where, inexplicably, there was a Mexican restaurant inside a small hut which they ended up in for dinner. Remembering her last experience with Mexican food before Christmas which had nearly blown her mouth off the Doctor went on the servers recommendation and ended up with something that was so mild it had almost no flavour though it was edible.

“Aren’t we going back to the tent?” the Doctor asked, confused as they drove past the small town that would lead them back to their campsite.

“Not yet” Yaz answered.

“Where’re we going?”

“You’ll see. It’s a surprise. Everyone gets to choose one activity to do over the course of the holiday and this is mine. I want to do it but it’s mostly a surprise for you. Was worried it wouldn’t come off because of the storm but we should be okay now the weather has cheered up.”

“Yaaaaaz” the Doctor whined. “Tell me!”

“No. You’ll find out when we get there.”

“Plllleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaasssssssssseeeeeeeee” she begged, looking like a puppy.

“No!”

“You’re no fun!”

“And you sound like a five year old!” Yaz retorted.

The Doctor stuck her tongue out.

“Where are we?” she asked as Hakim parked the car… in a field an hour later. “You’re not plotting to murder me and bury me here are you?”

“What? Don’t be ridiculous!” Yaz laughed as she lifted the Doctor into her chair again. The field, although it wasn’t water logged, was damp and sticky and Yaz pushed the Doctor through it and up a hill.

“This is one of the only places in the UK where you can see the aurora borealis” Yaz explained.

“The Northern Lights? Seriously?” the Doctor asked excitedly.

“Yep. Thought we could come and look at the stars.”

The Doctor realised that Yaz was pulling a foil backed picnic blanket out of her backpack that meant they could sit on the ground together as well as a couple of hoodies and blankets to keep them warm. She could see Najia, Hakim and Sonya settling onto their own blanket, they weren’t far away but they had moved just far enough to give Yaz and the Doctor some privacy.

“Apparently this is one of the least light polluted places in the UK” Yaz told the Doctor after she had helped her out of her chair and onto the blanket. They were now both wrapped up in big hoodies and the Doctor lay down flat on her back, her arm around Yaz who was lying next to her and had covered them with a fleecy blanket to protect them from the evening chill.

The view of the stars was stunning, easily the best Yaz had seen since the last time she had been in the TARDIS.

“It’s like it goes on forever” Yaz whispered reverently.

“It does in a way. Never-ending and eternal. Kind of like how I feel about you.”

“Aww Doctor”

“The light we’re looking at started its journey more than two and a half million years ago.”

“And now it’s here, just for us.”

“What’s that?” Yaz asked, pointing to a what looked almost like a cloud of light, running in a line across the sky.”

“That’s the milky-way. It’s the galaxy earth is a part of, made up of more than a hundred billion stars. It takes your sun more than two hundred and fifty million years to go all the way round the centre of the milky way.”

“Wow”

“D’you see those stars there?” The Doctor asked, pointing to a cluster of seven bright stars.

“Yeah”

“Those’re the Orion Constellation. Did you know that the earliest depiction of Orion is thought to be 38,000 years old? The stars are called Betelgeuse, Rigel, Bellatrix, Mintaka, Alnilam, Alnitak, Saiph and Meissa.” She pointed out each star as she spoke about them.

“Have you been to them?”

“You can't land on a star Yaz but I’ve seen them up close. You’ll have viewing platforms up there one day, your great grandkids could go and visit.”

“That’s amazing to think of, the technology we would have to have…”

“It is, but I prefer the legends of Orion over its future. He was the son of Poseidon the God of the Sea and Euryale. He fell in love with Pleiades so Zeus supposedly scooped them both up and put them in the sky where they could be together forever.”

“That’s nice.”

“I want to be happy with you like that.”

The Doctor was silent.

“Are you happy Doctor?”

“Of course, I'm with you.”

“I meant here. On earth.”

The Doctor paused before she answered. “It’s not what I had pictured but I’m happy when I’m with you.” She started wriggling, shoving her clumsy hands into her pockets.

“What are you doing?”

The Doctor extracted a small box from her pocket and held it out to Yaz.

“What is it?” Yaz asked, confused.

“Open it.”

Yaz sat up and opened the box, gasping as she saw the beautiful bracelet nestled inside it. It was silver, made up of delicate, intricately wrought flowers that were woven together to make a fine chain.

“It’s beautiful! When did you do this?”

“When I were at that antique stall with your dad. The guy didn’t know what he had. But I licked it and it’s made of platinum and comes from the early Georgian period.”

“Doctor, this is too much” Yaz protested but it was half hearted.

“No it’s not. It’s for you.”

“Wait… you licked it?”

“After I paid for it Yaz!”

Yaz laughed and lay back down, snuggling in close and the Doctor held her tight, brushing her temple with a tender kiss.

“Thank-you Doctor. I love it, but not as much as I love you.”


	81. Chapter 81

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've attempted to add the pictures of their new house I made on the Sims 4 to the bottom of this but I have no idea if it'll work. Hopefully...

Yaz and the Doctor were both dressed in old jeans and shirts, their hair tied back with old scarves (and not the Doctor’s usual one) as they made their way into the new house directly from the estate agents where they had just signed the deed papers. It was officially theirs.

Sonya, Ryan and Graham were already there, Hakim would be joining them in a couple of hours when his shift was over and Najia was working all day but she had promised to bring dinner for all the workers later on. 

They got out of the car and the Doctor transferred into her wheelchair. The passenger door was right beside the ramp that led to the front door though it was discreetly hidden behind a hedge. The Doctor took the ramp easily, her brain was having a good day but even if it hadn't been, the ramp wasn't too steep. Yaz offered her the keys the estate agent had handed over that morning. 

"Do you want to do the honours?"

The Doctor smiled at her taking the key between her pointer and index finger, clumsily shoving it into the door and unlocking it. The key turned easily with a small click and she pushed the door open, grabbing Yaz's wrist.

"Am I supposed to carry you in or something? Isn't that a human tradition?"

Yaz laughed. "We're not newlyweds!"

"Oh... thought it was when you bought a house for someone." She looked disappointed. 

"Well if you really want to..."

The Doctor looked delighted and pulled Yaz into her lap. Yaz adjusted herself so she was balanced and the Doctor pushed them into the hallway with the garish, pink floral wallpaper that continued into the lounge and would most likely take a couple of coats of paint to cover. The kitchen had green and yellow stripes, their own bedroom was dark red and the other three bedrooms and study were similarly garishly decorated though bizarrely the kitchen units and bathrooms were modern.

The day before their trip to IKEA they had bought their paint and a few rolls of wallpaper. They had gone for soft, neutral colours but Yaz already had some pictures to hang on the walls including several she had picked up on days out with the Doctor both when they had been travelling together and since she had been on earth. The paint was quick drying so their plan was to paint a white base coat on everything that day to cover the disaster that was the current walls, pray that the paint dried overnight and then cover them in coats of soft blues, creams, greens, purples and greys which would all go nicely with the dark wood floor that was currently in the house the next day.

Graham, Ryan and Sonya all ambled in behind them with large amounts of paint, rollers, brushes, trays, sheets, masking tape…

“Little help here guys!” Sonya grumbled indignantly, shoving her way past the Doctor’s chair, one of the paint cans banging into her backrest pushing them forwards as she staggered under the weight of the two tins of paint in her hands and rollers under her arm.

Although they were barely through the door, Yaz regretfully got up and the two of them headed out to Ryan’s car which was full of their supplies. Between the five of them, they only needed to make two trips each and dumped everything on the kitchen counters while Yaz figured out which tins of paint went to which rooms – pale blue for the hall and kitchen to match the tiles, soft green for the living room, grey for the office, cream for two of the spare bedrooms, purple for their room and wallpaper for the final bedroom. Their soft, muted tones would, Yaz hoped, create a warm, calm, comforting environment and one that Yaz hoped the Doctor would be able to feel safe in.

“Grandad and I will start in here” Ryan offered, gesturing to the kitchen.

“The Doctor and I will head to the living room” Yaz replied, picking up the green paint and handing the Doctor the paint trays and rollers to balance on her lap and bring in.

“I’ll join you guys I guess” Sonya shrugged, taking one of the paint cans off of Yaz and following the Doctor into the next room.

Using a screwdriver, Yaz prized open the paint can while Sonya got to work taping up the windows and fireplace.

“Yaz” the Doctor whispered, leaning over to where Yaz was kneeling on the floor. “What the hell am I supposed to do?”

“Paint a room” Yaz mumbled, distracted as she struggled to get the lid off the tin.

“How?”

“Ah-hah!.. Sorry what was that love?”

“I can't hold a brush… or reach much wall” the Doctor replied, staring at the floor.

“Did you bring your gloves?”

“I dunno…” she slurred slightly and looked a little vacant.

Yaz looked at her sharply, confusion from the Doctor was never a good sign with her complex brain issues.

“You alright?” Yaz asked her carefully.

“Fine.”

“So go check the car and see if your gloves are there” Yaz handed her the keys.

The Doctor stared at them for a moment before she took them off Yaz, balancing them on her knee and heading out the door. Yaz watched her go. The next few days were going to be hectic and if she were to have a seizure they had nowhere for her to sleep it off in the new house yet and if Yaz had to take her home they would never get everything done on time. Their schedule took into account almost every minute of the next four days that were left on Yaz’s lease at their current house. 

Thankfully, when the Doctor reappeared a few minutes later she had the gloves that allowed her to grip things that she used with her walking frame. She was sitting as straight as she ever managed and seemed fairly relaxed, hopefully that meant she was doing okay. 

The Doctor gave Yaz back her keys and used her teeth to pull her gloves onto her hands and Yaz helped her secure the roller to the gloves.

“What if I mess it up?” she asked Yaz worriedly.

“It’s only the first coat Doctor don’t worry. It’s only a bit of paint.”

Yaz picked up her own extending roller and started working on a large, empty stretch of wall where Sonya had already taped the skirting board and ceiling, hoping if she got on with her job without making a fuss and wasn’t watching, the Doctor she would have the confidence to start.

She did and only jumped a little when Sonya started blasting music from her phone. Yaz watched her from the corner of her eye as the morning wore on and she began to get into a rhythm, painting a bit from floor to just above her shoulders, shifting her chair along a bit and then repeating while Yaz came along behind her doing the higher up bits with an extending roller and Sonya, who was putting her art skills to good use, followed Yaz using a brush and stepladder to do the tricky bits around the ceiling, door frames, light switches…

By the time the group stopped for lunch they had painted the entirety of the ground floor and Hakim had arrived bearing lunch. They flopped down on the floor, being careful to sit on the dust sheets so as their paint splattered clothes didn’t mark the floors.

“What still needs to be done?” Hakim asked as he munched on a chicken salad sandwich.

“Grandad and I are going to tackle the garden” Ryan offered when everyone else’s mouths were too full to reply.

The Doctor and I are going to paint the upstairs hallway and the last bedroom” Yaz spoke up.

“That leaves you and I to wallpaper the last bedroom” Sonya told her dad.

“Why’re you just wallpapering the one room?” Hakim asked.

It was the Doctor who answered. “The little girl Yaz and I have been working with, we’ve agreed to offer her respite care.”

“What’s that?”

“We’re not her foster carers but she’ll come and stay with us regularly to give her regular carers a break. She’s a bit of a handful because of everything she’s been through. But we wanted her to have her own space here and we have more bedrooms than we need as it is. It’s a surprise though, we haven’t told her about it yet.”

“Does she know she's coming to stay?”

“Not yet, she’s coming for her half term week so we’ll collect her from school Friday and her carers will collect her from here the following Saturday. We’ll be able to have fun Saturday to Tuesday and then take her to school Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.”

“Big commitment” Sonya commented. “Are you taking time off work Yaz?”

“Nah, I only do four days a week in work anyway so when I'm doing my usual twelve hour shifts Ryan will be here anyway to help them out and the Doctor and Maisie will be fine for two hours after school until I get home. If the Doctor isn’t well mums already agreed to come over for a while and I can do my shift that I do from home while Maisie is at school.”

“Sounds like you’ve got it all worked out.”

The Doctor looked embarrassed and stared at her hands while she answered, studiously avoiding eye contact with anyone. “We discussed it a lot. My… health wouldn’t allow us to offer Maisie a permanent home, but respite seems manageable. She spends at least one day and evening a fortnight with us anyway. She just can’t stay over because we haven’t had a bedroom for her to sleep in.”

“How far away is half term?” Ryan asked.

“Five weeks so we’ve got plenty of time to be settled.”

Graham balled up his rubbish and offered around a bin bag to the group to do the same. “We’d better get moving if we want to get the garden done, the wallpapering done, paint the last of the upstairs and sand down the floors in here.” He pointed out.

The others agreed though they groaned theatrically as they got up and headed to wherever they were supposed to be. Yaz piggybacked the Doctor up the narrow staircase, Sonya following with her wheelchair. The landing was tiny but this would probably be the only occasion the Doctor would be upstairs with her chair – with everything she needed downstairs there was no reason for her to be up so until (if) she learned to walk up them herself this would probably be it other than showing her Maisie’s completed bedroom.

Yaz and the Doctor made quick work of the hall and third bedroom and went back downstairs to help with the overgrown garden. Graham was in his element as he directed them to the exterior of the conservatory which was badly overgrown. Yaz helped the Doctor straighten out her hands to put on a pair of gardening gloves and the Doctor slid out of her chair in a controlled way to land neatly on the grass. She started on one end of the conservatory beside the ramp where Graham was trimming a hedge, slowly shifting her hips along the grass as she inched along pulling up all manner of weeds and dumping them in a large bucket while occasionally catching Yaz’s eye through the glass of the conservatory and pulling faces at her.

Eventually Hakim and Sonya appeared having finally finished wallpapering. Sonya said her goodbyes as she had plans with some friends and Hakim and Graham headed inside to start treating the slightly beat up wooden floors.

After two solid days painting and sorting the floors the Doctor, Yaz, Ryan, Graham, Sonya and Hakim were all sitting on the floor (or in the Doctor’s case, her wheelchair) waiting for the massive IKEA delivery.

Yaz had spent two hours the previous evening carefully trying to remove flecks of paint in a variety of colours from the frame of the Doctor’s wheelchair but every time she looked at it, she managed to spot another one.

Yaz’s current rental had come fully furnished. She had owned a few smaller bits of furniture and other bits like lamps, kitchen ware, bedding and décor but everything else had had to be bought and now was going to have to be built. And it had to be done by the end of the day because they had to move in the next day, the last day of the tenancy. And if they had to leave things in boxes because the cupboards weren’t built then the Doctor would be severely restricted in how she got around what was supposed to be their fresh start and a space where she could be independent. Or at least more so than she currently was.

Thankfully, it was just a little after seven when the IKEA truck drew up outside and Yaz went outside to direct which items were to go to which rooms, they had decided the easiest thing to do would be to build each item in the room it would be living in.

With the van unloaded, Graham and Hakim headed to the living room to build the bookcases and the sofas in there while Ryan, the Doctor, Yaz and Sonya started off in the master bedroom. Straight away Yaz and Sonya started on the bed which was going under the window opposite the door. While doing the floors Graham and Hakim had installed a sturdy grab bar beside where the Doctor’s side of the bed would be. Getting in and out of a soft mattress was difficult for her but the bar would give her some much needed stability as well as helping her to sit up in bed. Yaz could still lift her if she had to but it was better for both of them when she didn’t have to. 

The Doctor had teamed up with Ryan. He found following plans such as the sort that IKEA sent out with their furniture incredibly challenging for his dyspraxia. On the other hand, there was no way the Doctor could manipulate an alan key with her hands the way they were nor did she have enough movement or stability while sitting on the floor. So she was busy interpreting the plans for Ryan to build, patiently guiding him through and he was making much more rapid progress with the wardrobe than Yaz and Sonya were with the bed.

By the time Najia arrived at noon with a picnic most of the furniture in the bedroom had been built, along with two bookcases and the sofas in the living room. The progress was definitely slow but it was still progress.

Not wanting to get sandwich fillings dripped on the new sofas, the group went outside and picnicked on the grass instead.

The Doctor and Yaz hadn't had much of a chance for physio over the last few days and she was feeling stiff and uncomfortable as Najia helped her out of her wheelchair and onto the grass to sit with everyone else.

“You alright sweetheart?” Najia asked her, crouching down beside her.

“I’m fine” she answered automatically.

Najia raised her eyebrows at her, silently disbelieving.

“Bit sore” the Doctor admitted. “And my head… it’s just a lot going on.” She gestured vaguely.

“What can I do to help?” Najia asked her instantly.

“Nothing… I just…” she trailed off.

Najia put a gentle hand on her upper arm.

“After lunch you could lie on the sofa for a bit? Change of position and a rest?”

“I'm not going for a lie down while everyone else builds furniture for my house” she bristled.

“No one would mind in the slightest.”

“She’s right you know” Yaz chimed in having just appeared from inside.

“I'm fine! Quit ganging up on me” she grumbled but without malice.

Yaz ignored her complaining and sat down beside her, planting a light kiss on her cheek. Najia wandered off to grab a sandwich but reappeared again a few moments later, sitting down on the Doctor’s other side.

“Where’re you hurting?” Yaz asked her in a low voice, allowing her some privacy.

“Just achey all over.” The Doctor confessed, knowing Yaz wouldn’t let it go like Najia had.

“What do you need?”

“To stretch I think… and maybe to stand.” She said quietly.

Yaz was impressed. It was rare the Doctor was able to voice her needs, especially when she felt that might be imposing on someone else and even when she could voice them, she often didn’t.

“Well a stretch is easy; we can do that when we’ve eaten. We don’t have any of your equipment to get you standing on your own but Ryan or I can help you with a supported stand if that’ll do until we get home?”

True to her word, when the others had gone back inside, Yaz helped the Doctor stretch out her painful, rigid muscles and then Ryan came back out and between the two of them, they got the Doctor into a standing position. Ryan was behind her holding onto the gait belt which the Doctor had started keeping in her bag and was taking most of her weight. Yaz was in front of her and was holding the Doctor’s forearms firmly, the Doctor’s forearms resting on Yaz’s pnw and her hands curled around Yaz’s lower biceps.

The dizziness from standing hit the Doctor quickly. Over the last few weeks as she had started standing more and more and even walking a few jerky steps, the dizziness she felt when she was first upright had been abating slowly but the craziness of the last few days and the utter chaos of their house meant that they hadn't really had the time or the space for her to stand.

Yaz allowed the Doctor to drop her head forward to rest on her shoulder. She was groaning quietly as her muscles screamed in protest, having rigidly set into a cramped seated position over the last few days.

“Do you need to sit?” Yaz murmured into her ear.

The Doctor didn’t answer verbally but she did shake her head against Yaz’s shoulder.

Ryan caught Yaz’s eye, looking concerned and Yaz smiled back hoping to reassure him. She’d be okay, she just needed a minute.

Yaz was right and a few moments later the Doctor was feeling stable enough to hold her own head up and make more of an effort to support herself through her left leg and leaning on Yaz rather than relying on Ryan entirely.

The Doctor stood for a little over five minutes before letting Yaz and Ryan know she needed sit again. They adjusted their position, both taking a hold of the gait belt on either side and holding one arm so they could lower her back down safely.

“How’re you doing?” Yaz asked, bending so they were at eye level. “Has that helped at all?”

“A little, I don’t feel as cramped” she said after considering.

“But you’re still in pain?” Yaz probed further.

“I'm fine Yaz. We need to get back inside, everyone else is working hard on our house.”

Yaz hugged her tightly. “I love you so much”.

“The Doctor tightened her arms around Yaz in response. “I love you too Yaz. You’re ‘mazin.”

After a brief stop shortly after eight that evening for takeaway fish and chips, the whole group worked until gone midnight. The Doctor valiantly refused to sleep though by the time they had stopped for dinner she had been basically useless, confused and exhausted, barely holding her own head up which was how Yaz had found herself carrying her upstairs when they got home that evening, already asleep.

Yaz rolled her eyes at her affectionately as she relieved the Doctor of her coat and shoe but she was too tired to get the Doctor undressed and into a pair of pyjamas. She felt disgusting after the days hard labour but she couldn’t face standing up in the shower and kicked off her own shoes, dropping heavily onto the bed beside the Doctor.

Yaz was so exhausted that when the alarm blared shortly after half six, she didn’t even stir and the Doctor had to shake her awake.

Yaz batted the Doctor’s hands away from her and pulled the pillow over her head. “Leave me alone” she mumbled into her pillows, already drifting off again.

“Yaz for crying out loud turn the alarm off” the Doctor shouted at her to be heard over the shrill wail.

Without moving her head Yaz reached behind her, yanked her blaring phone out of its charging port and threw it clumsily at the Doctor who silenced it and sat up, stealing the duvet and allowing the chilly autumn morning air to circulate around a half dressed Yaz, chucking it on the floor.

“I don’t wanna get up”

“I can see that. But Graham will be here with the van in two hours and we’ve still got some packing to do. Move, come on.” She ordered, poking her.

Yaz caught her wrist. “Poke me again and I will arrest you for assaulting a police officer.” She threatened.

“Come on Yaz, you know there’s no point in me getting up first.” The Doctor groaned.

Yaz was no morning person but this was ridiculous.

“Five more minutes?”

“No! I know you, you say five more minutes and we’ll still be here in an hour.”

Yaz finally lifted the pillow off her head. “I hate you” she said darkly and burrowed back down again.

Right, thought the Doctor. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

She wriggled and shifted until she was lying perpendicular to Yaz and managed to lift her leg up and in a vaguely controlled manner, eventually rested it on Yaz’s exposed stomach. While her fifteen degree body temperature meant that she was cold all over compared to Yaz, even by Time Lord Standards she had always had cold feet …

“AAAHHHH” shrieked Yaz, scrambling away from the Doctor, almost falling out of the bed as she did so. “What the hell was that for!?”

“Just be relieved that I don’t have two feet to do that with. Get up. Come on!”

“You are the most annoying person I’ve ever met” Yaz groused at her as she lifted the Doctor up and carried her into the bathroom, settling her carefully on the shower chair and stripping off herself so she could get into the shower at the same time.

“You love me really.”

“Not right now I don’t.”

“Hmmm… will you love me again if I make you a large coffee and a fried egg sandwich?”

“I’ll think about it” Yaz muttered, stepping into the shower.

Half an hour later Yaz was sitting down to breakfast which had mostly been made by the Doctor. One thing they had bought for the new house was an adaptive kettle which was essentially on an axel. It could be locked into place while it was boiling or not in use but it was a simple matter to unlock it and pour water into a cup without having to lift the kettle at all. And while cooking on the hob would still be difficult for the Doctor (not that she ever did much of that anyway) the whole kitchen setup would be so much easier and actually safe for her to use. Because of her weak arms, the only way she was currently able to pour from the kettle was to have a mug wedged between her thighs which was stupid for all sorts of obvious reasons.

As she swallowed her last glug of coffee Yaz stood up. “Can you wash and pack the dishes? I’ll go back upstairs and get our bedding and toiletries and stuff?”

“Sure” the Doctor agreed, stacking the plates and balancing them on her lap to take to the sink.

She washed them slowly, it wasn’t easy for her to reach into the sink and not overbalance herself and it also put a lot of strain on her arms, shoulders and back. She dried them and packed them in the open box on the floor, taping it with the tape gun Yaz had been having so much fun with.

Yaz was a proud housekeeper and the house was usually spotless between her and Graham but even so, Najia was coming over to do an end of tenancy clean to make sure Yaz got all of her deposit back. When Graham had done the run to the new house with all their possessions that weren’t currently packed in Yaz’s car he was going to come back and give her a hand.

Yaz had just appeared downstairs with the box containing their overnight things having already thrown two large bags of bedding down ahead of her. Turned out she was just in time as Graham and the van pulled up outside with Ryan.

“Wow I’m impressed” Ryan commented, eyeing the neat piles of boxes that were all labelled in Yaz’s elegant handwriting and were stacked in the garage.

“So am I, I didn’t know I had so much stuff” Yaz replied.

“To be fair, at least twenty of the boxes out here are books and other stuff from my office at St Luke’s” pointed out the Doctor.

“Even so…”

“And all my equipment is bulky” she added quietly.

“Stop worrying about that, besides we have all the storage space in the world now.”

Yaz and Graham both clambered into the van to start playing a game of Tetris while Ryan, the Doctor and Najia who had just appeared from nowhere started bringing them out boxes. Ryan and the Doctor got a system going as she wasn’t able to pick the boxes from the floor whereby he put a box on her lap, picked one up for himself, they both went out to the van and he handed over his box before taking hers off her and handing it over too. Ryan may have been clumsy but he was stronger than he looked and easily managed her heavy boxes of books without breaking a sweat

With all five of them working, it took just over an hour to load the van in its entirety. It was packed to the brim but everything was in. Anything left behind Najia would be able to pick up.

“I’ll just be a second” Yaz said suddenly, disappearing as everyone else was standing around outside.

She sounded off and the Doctor followed her inside, finding her sobbing in the living room.

“Yaz, what on earth’s the matter?” she asked. Her voice was echoing slightly and the room looked so strange without all of their possessions scattered around.

“I just, so many memories I guess. I came here for space to mourn you when I thought you were dead and then you turned up and you basically were dead but you got better until you almost died again. I was so sure you were gonna die when you got sick. You walked again for the first time here. I got to kiss you and tell you I loved you here. We’ve laughed and cried and fought and made up and I’ve been so mad at you here, but you’ve also made me so unbelievably happy here.”

The Doctor wordlessly wrapped her arms around Yaz and pulled her down so Yaz was sitting on her lap and rocked her slightly.

“We’ve both got a lot of memories here Yaz but lets face it, a lot of those memories are terrible. This new house is a new start. For both of us. You won't have to take care of me so much, we can just concentrate on being together.

“I know” Yaz hiccoughed. “I’m being silly really.”

“It’s not silly. This has been your home. Of course you’re attached to it.”

“It’s nothing special. When I picked I basically just picked the first place I found. Mum and Dad kept fussing around me and I just needed space, and I know the new house is way much nicer and will suit our needs better but I just didn’t expect to have to leave it so suddenly. I’ve grown up a lot here.”

“This’ll always be your first house Yaz but I promise to help you fill the new house with just as many memories. And I can't promise they’ll always be happy but I do promise to do my best to make them so.”

“You always know what to say” Yaz sniffed, tucking her head between the Doctor’s shoulder and head.

“Oi!” shouted Ryan, barging through the front door true to form. “Aren’t you two coming?”

Yaz giggled and gently untangled herself from her girlfriend. “As subtle as a brick to the head through a plane glass window” she muttered into the Doctor’s ear who laughed and the two of them headed out of the house for the last time.

Ryan climbed into the passenger seat of the van beside Graham while the Doctor carefully transferred into the passenger seat of Yaz’s car.

“Uhh Doctor, I think we miscalculated.”

“What?”

“There’s no room for you chair…”

“Oh… Is there room in the back of the van?”

“No, it’s pretty crammed as is. Hang on, I’ll see if there’s room in the front of the van.”

She disappeared and came back a few minutes later without the wheelchair.

“You got it in?” the Doctor confirmed anxiously,

“Yeah, it’s wedged onto Ryan’s lap.”

“It’s safe though?” the Doctor asked. Without it someone would have to carry her in and she would have to sit wherever she was left.

“Relax, it’s fine. You’ll get it back once we get there.”

Najia appeared at the car door, a large bag of cleaning supplies in hand.

“I’ve just texted your dad and Sonya. They’re on their way to the new house. I’ll start cleaning, sure Graham won't be long. We’ll both join you this afternoon when the house is done.”

“Thanks mum, see you later.” Yaz gave her mum a quick hug and they were off.

Twenty minutes later, Yaz pulled up outside the house. Hakim and Sonya were already there and inside.

“Aren’t you going in?” the Doctor asked as Yaz parked in the driveway but didn’t move.

“Well you’re stuck here until Ryan and Graham get here so I’ll wait with you.”

Ten minutes later they were still waiting and Yaz texted Ryan to make sure everything was okay.

“Graham stopped for fuel but bought a bacon sandwich and stopped to eat it” she told the Doctor, rolling her eyes.

Fortunately the boys arrived after just another few minutes and Ryan quickly jumped out and brought the Doctor’s chair to her. She transferred out easily and quickly made her way over to the van to collect a box and cart it inside like everyone else was doing.

When all the boxes were inside, they split off. Graham went back to the old house to help Najia with the cleaning. The Doctor and Sonya went down the hall to sort out the bathroom and bedroom. Hakim was dispatched to put books away in one of the many bookcases they had in the hall, the living room, the conservatory and the office while Yaz went to the office so she could sort out the confidential files she had access to from work so they were safe. It didn’t take her long and when she was done she went to check in on Sonya and the Doctor.

“I’m not touching your rank underwear Yaz” Sonya said as soon as she walked in. Sonya was hanging clothes in the wardrobe and the Doctor was folding her own into the dresser.

“It’s all clean” Yaz pointed out.

“I already told her that” the Doctor chimed in. “Besides I like your underwear”

“Oh God spare me or I’m out of here” Sonya warned.

Yaz ignored her and instead crossed the room to speak to her girlfriend.

“You okay?” Yaz asked the Doctor quietly.

“Yeah fine, we’re good in here. Go and get on, quicker you’re done the quicker everyone will go and it can be just us again.”

Yaz smiled. “I’m on it.”

Yaz headed straight for the kitchen, sorting out which things they used most regularly to put in the lower cupboards where the Doctor would be able to reach them independently and the things they didn’t use so much on the higher shelves. The top shelves she left empty as she couldn’t reach them and even if she were walking the Doctor wouldn’t be able to either and considering there was twice as much storage in this kitchen compared to their last one there was no need to use them anyway.

Najia and Graham arrived at the house bearing lunch but this time they all sat around the table.

“How’re you getting on?” Najia asked.

“Kitchen is done. Bedrooms done, need to set up the TV and office computer. Ryan was working on the treadmill and chest press in the conservatory.”

“Where on earth did you get those?”

“Saw them advertised on Gumtree for £50 each jumped. Great for me for work, especially when I can't get to the gym and good for the Doctor too, especially the chest press. Ryan and I are going to hang up some of the bits and pieces and our photographs on the walls and display knick knacks and stuff. The Doctor and Graham are going to sort out Maisie’s room. Still need to hoover, mop, make the beds and hook up electronics.”

“Your dad will do the electronics and I’ll do the cleaning” Najia offered.

“You don’t have to do that mum, you’ve been cleaning all day.”

“It’s fine sweetheart, I don’t mind. Besides I'm sure you and the Doctor want everything done so we can all get out of your hair as soon as possible.”

Yaz caught the Doctor’s eye over her bowl of soup and grinned. They had had the same conversation just an hour previously.

As soon as she was finished eating, Yaz sorted out some of the Doctor’s equipment. The Beast wheelchair and the large shower cradle went into the garage. She had used both when she was fully immobile but although they had hoped to be rid of them by now, every so often she would be tired enough or her brain would be refusing to cooperate and they would have to be pulled out again for a few days. Her yoga mat and therapy equipment went into the conservatory while her prosthetic, walking frame and KAFO brace were in the bedroom. With the long, wide hallway and open living room Yaz hoped she would be able to encourage the Doctor to walk a little more and to walk for the purpose of going somewhere, even if it was just the sofa rather than just as part of therapy. She was strangely reluctant to work on it.

The Doctor was sitting on the sofa and Yaz flopped down beside her, kicking her shoes off. She had just seen her family, Ryan and Graham out. And while she was more grateful than she could possibly say for their help, she was very glad it was just the two of them again. Between moving and camping, they had barely had a moment to themselves for a fortnight.

On the plus side, Najia had surprised them by making them a biryani which was Yaz’s favourite and it was warming in the oven.

“I can't believe we did it” Yaz groaned, feeling all the heavy lifting in her muscles and greatly relieved that she wouldn’t have to carry the Doctor upstairs to bed that night.

“I’m so tired” the Doctor mumbled.

“It’s a good thing mum made us dinner, or our first proper meal here would be a take away.”

The timer dinged.

“I’ll go” the Doctor offered.

“You’re amazing”

The Doctor transferred into her chair and easily rolled across the smooth wooden floors into the kitchen. The only downstairs room that had any kind of floor transition was their ensuite. The two main rooms had archways rather than doors and the doors there were, were all extra wide so they were much easier for her chair to get through.

Yaz followed the Doctor into the kitchen. She had turned off the oven and turned on the kettle. She pulled the dish out of the oven, placing it carefully on the worktop. She was able to retrieve plates from their new place in the cupboard and Yaz served the chicken and rice while the Doctor made them both a cup of tea. Normally they had tea after their meal but they were both so tired that evening that they had decided to combine it all in one.

Both women ate quietly and mechanically, just looking forward to getting to bed.

“I’ll do the dishes” the Doctor offered when they had finished.

“You wash I’ll dry” Yaz agreed.

They cleared the table quickly and the Doctor ran a basin full of water in the specially lowered sink. Her wheelchair fitted underneath perfectly so she didn’t feel unstable or unbalanced, nor did she have to twist or stretch putting additional strain on her already weakened body which was in sharp contrast to when she had done the breakfast dishes that morning.

What was also a contrast was when Umbreen phoned to speak to Yaz, the Doctor didn’t have to wait for her to go to bed. She took herself down to the bedroom on her own, turned on the electric blanket and headed into the bathroom. After she had made use of the sturdy grab bar beside the bed to transfer, she realised that it was the first time she had been able to fully put herself to bed without any help from Yaz since the night of Lucy’s birthday nearly six months previously and she smiled. It felt like quite some considerable achievement.

Yaz wasn’t long and she appeared just after the Doctor had tucked herself in. She got ready quickly and allowed the Doctor to pull her in close.

“Hey Yaz” the Doctor whispered in the dark.

“Yeah?”

“Welcome home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter - Maisie comes to stay for a week. Anyone got some good ideas for mischief they can get into with her? Now I'm back at work my brain is a bit fried!


	82. Chapter 82

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of the ‘r’ word.

“Doctor, Maisie is not going to eat all those sweets. I know they’re for you!” Yaz told her as they stood in the confectionary aisle in Tesco’s.

“We don’t know what she likes” the Doctor argued guiltily as she put about ten bags into the trolley.

“Yes we do. And we also know that jelly babies are your favourite. She likes Haribo which you haven’t even picked up. And while we’re on the subject, do we really need five double packs of custard creams.”

“We ran out Yaz! I haven’t had any for two days!”

“You know where the corner shop is” Yaz pointed out.

That stopped the Doctor talking. It might have been a three minute walk from their new house and she might have been in it at least once a week since they moved in a little over a month ago but as with anywhere else, she hadn't gone on her own. And she had had a panic attack a week earlier when Yaz had casually suggested she could try it.

“Sorry” Yaz apologised softly.

“It’s fine” the Doctor replied stiffly but she wheeled away so Yaz couldn’t see her face and Yaz inwardly cursed herself for being so tactless.

They continued around the rest of the shop and Yaz added some actual food to the trolley as well as a few bits that she didn’t normally buy with Maisie in mind including turkey dinosaurs, potato smiley faces and spaghetti hoops. All of which the Doctor was excited about as she had the palette of your average eight year old. But then again, the woman also ate soil and had a habit of licking things so there was no real accounting for her taste buds.

When they were done the Doctor loaded the shopping into the boot while Yaz returned the trolley. When she got back to the car, the Doctor was already in the passenger seat, her wheelchair on the back seat. She could put it there most of the time now though she couldn’t get it back out yet. 

“What time do we have to collect Maisie from school?” The Doctor asked for at least the third time that morning as she put away the shopping at home.

“Half three. We need to leave here at three to be on time and her teacher knows we’re coming but we both need ID.” Yaz reminded her patiently and anticipating the next question.

Carole had stopped by that morning and dropped off a suitcase for Maisie. She and Paul were taking full advantage of the break and were heading up to Scotland to visit their adult daughter who lived there along with their grandkids.

The information was all written on the fridge for the Doctor but although she had pushed for them to become Maisie’s respite carers, she was in a state of anxiety mixed with excitement about it now it was here and was trying hard not to let Yaz know. Once Maisie arrived though, Yaz was sure she would settle down. She’d be lying if she said she wasn’t nervous herself.

“I’m going to check my list again” the Doctor muttered, disappearing.

Yaz rolled her eyes affectionately at her girlfriends retreating back and flicked on the kettle. In an attempt to get the Doctor to relax about Maisie’s impending visit, Yaz had encouraged her to write down everything she needed to do in order to be ready for it and she had checked it a dozen or so times in the last few days to make sure everything was checked off. She would be back in a minute.

Yaz went to put her slippers on and her prediction proved correct when she walked back into the kitchen to find that the Doctor had already made the tea and put both mugs on the table. She had parked her wheelchair in her customary spot at the table which didn’t have a chair at it, it was in the empty bedroom upstairs, and unsurprisingly had already opened one of the packets of custard creams. But Yaz was just so pleased that she had managed to open the packet of biscuits she didn’t comment on it. Her hands had finally, _finally_ , started to respond to therapy. They were a long way from functional and were still curled into soft fists by default but she was able to straighten them to an extent and currently had them wrapped around her mug of tea, which still took two hands but was an improvement of having it on the table and using a straw. And of course, she had made it herself.

Their first few days in the house had been so hard that Yaz wasn’t sure it had been worth it. The Doctor had been agitated at best and screaming at worst. Neither of them had slept for days as, unsettled and utterly overwhelmed by all the changes, the Doctor had been plagued by flashbacks and nightmares. It had gotten so bad that Yaz had seriously started to wonder if they should be looking into a way to sedate her and Ryan and her mum had both taken shifts caring for her to give Yaz a break. Yaz had seriously underestimated just how hard it would be for her, but they had got through it and since she had adjusted, the progress she had made had been excellent.

For the most part, the only personal care Yaz was providing for her was fastening her bra and tying her scarf each morning though she also helped with managing her scars and their physiotherapy routine hadn't changed. But Yaz was also confident to leave her home alone when she had a short shift and when they had got Maisie’s visit over and done with she was planning on suggesting that the Doctor could manage without Ryan there the whole time on her long shifts too, assuming she was in good health on the given day. She had only had nine seizures in the five weeks they had been in the house which was still a lot but in the previous five week period she had had seventeen. They were as long as ever but she was recovering from them better and it no longer felt like they were ruling their lives though Yaz found she never really stopped watching the Doctor and assessing her, checking for signs that one was on the way.

“Do I still have time to walk?” the Doctor asked, squinting at the clock.

“Loads.” Yaz confirmed.

They headed down the hallway to the bedroom. The KAFO brace had been replaced with a small knee brace for extra support and an AFO – Ankle Foot Orthosis – to stop her toes dragging on the floor and help prevent tripping. Yaz helped her into them and her prosthetic and strapped the gait belt around her waist.

“Ready?”

“Yeah” the Doctor agreed, willing her legs to behave themselves as she pushed herself to stand. As always, it was dizzying to stand so suddenly but she held it together and started the slow process of walking down the hall.

Her steps were shuffling, jerky and hesitant but also freer without having the rigid KAFO or her prosthetic locking her knees into place. Yaz walked behind her, holding onto the gait belt. She wasn’t providing any support or taking the Doctor’s weight the way she had when they had first started, it was more for reassurance for them both. The Doctor hadn't actually had a fall but it would seriously knock her confidence if she did.

The Doctor was incredibly reliant on the walking frame and her old crutches were still gathering dust, not yet ready to be brought back into service but her walking was still a hell of a lot better than it had been just a few short weeks ago. The long hallway in the house made a great space to practice in and they also practiced in the hotel Najia was managing during quiet times a couple of mornings per week. The Doctor completed two laps of the hall before calling it a day and Yaz lowered her back into her chair, removing the braces and prosthetic for her before they headed back to the kitchen though they were interrupted by the ringing of Yaz’s phone. It was Jennifer and she disappeared into the study to answer it, unwilling to discuss the sensitive case where the Doctor could hear and potentially be triggered.

The Doctor checked the time and cleared up their mugs, rummaging in the fridge for something to make them for their lunch. She pulled some ingredients out, balancing them carefully on her lap and unloaded them onto the lowered worktop before collecting a chopping board, knife and switching on the toastie maker. While Yaz didn’t care what the Doctor ate, she had a list of acceptable sandwich ingredients and combinations for herself and the Doctor checked it with the ingredients at hand. Aside from the physical dexterity needed to make the humble sandwich, her ability to plan the task had proved hard to learn and they had eaten toasted sandwiches every day for two weeks while the Doctor followed a set of instructions to the letter to make the process work.

The Doctor used her regular knife to butter the bread first and then switched to a sharp knife. It wasn’t specially moulded like her own was, but she now had a small collection of straps she could use to help her hold things and she strapped it securely to her palm with the aid of her teeth. If she took her time and concentrated, she could hold ingredients steady with her left hand while she chopped with her right, even tricky ones like tomatoes that had a tendency to roll away and ones that were harder to cut like a block of cheddar cheese. Yaz was on the phone for nearly forty minutes and it took the Doctor nearly all that time to cut the ingredients and arrange them on the bread for the simple meal. 

Yaz felt very out of place amidst the mums and dads on the playground as she waited outside Maisie’s classroom for the children to be released. She was in year six now, the last year of primary school and was still making slow but steady progress. Carole had warned them that there was likely to be some half term homework or a project to complete and had asked that Maisie do at least a little reading every day. She was still reading books aimed at children in reception, the four and five year olds in their first year of schooling, and it was vital she read every day if she was to ever be a literate adult. When Carole had dropped Maisie’s things off that morning they had had a very long conversation about how she was doing and, to Yaz’s dismay, it had transpired that her behaviour was only getting worse as she got more and more settled. Like the Doctor, as she had begun to feel safe she had also started to be plagued with more nightmares, flashbacks and severe anxiety and Carole was having to be strict with very firm, consistent boundaries. Yaz knew the feeling. While she wasn’t parenting the Doctor there was a definite overlap and while any child being traumatised to the extent that Maisie was, was never a good thing, it was a relief that she wasn’t as badly affected as the Doctor was. And thankfully she didn’t have all the additional problems that came from the Doctor’s brain damage which only made things ten times harder for her. Though most likely she would be dealing with the fall out well into adulthood and possibly throughout her life.

Although they had been to Maisie’s school a couple of times before, the other parents who were chatting cheerfully to each other, ignored them. Or stared at them. Yaz was easily the youngest person there, at not quite twenty three she was too young to have a ten going on eleven year old child and the Doctor… well she got stares no matter where she went. Not that that justified it in any way.

Through the window, Yaz could see the children who were sitting grouped at tables were listening to their teacher who was reading a book called _Under the Hawthorn Tree_. Maisie was sat right at the front and slightly to one side and there was a space for a Teaching Assistant to sit next to her. Her academic skills were akin to the average five year old and she worked on differentiated lessons separately to the rest of the class.

Finally, the teacher closed the book and the children stood up, gathered their book bags, lunch boxes and coats, put their chairs on the table and lined up at the door. Maisie was right at the end of the line so that Yaz and the Doctor’s ID could be checked due to the safeguarding issues that surrounded her and they both had their driving licences (the Doctor’s on psychic paper) at the ready.

“Relax, we’ve got this.” Yaz said softly, squeezing the Doctor’s shoulder as she fidgeted with the hem of her coat.

“JANE! JANE! JANE!” Maisie shrieked excitedly as soon as her teacher had released her and she ran full pelt towards them and launched herself into the Doctor’s lap.

“Careful Maisie!” Yaz called to her redundantly as she managed to catch the Doctor’s wheelchair and stop it from tipping backwards and the Doctor let out a muffled groan from the impact.

The three of them left the grounds together as Maisie excitedly listed all the things they were going to do that weekend which she kept up the whole way back to the house. She danced impatiently from foot to foot as the Doctor worked on getting her wheelchair out of the back seat with Yaz’s help, snapped on its wheels and transferred into it and secured her seatbelt before heading up the ramp to the front door where Maisie was already waiting.

“Why do you take so long?” Maisie whined as Yaz, who always waited beside the Doctor as she completed the tricky transfer in and out of the car, to unlock the door and let them in.

“Because my brain got hurt” the Doctor explained, not for the first time.

“Urgh that’s your answer for everything” she huffed.

“Well it’s true sweetheart. It makes it hard for me to do things that are easy for you to do because your brain isn’t hurt.”

“Go and change out of your uniform and you can help me make something nice for after dinner” Yaz told her and Maisie slouched up the stairs, bumping her school bag loudly on each step. Yaz was relieved that she did as she had been asked and suspected that they had narrowly avoided a tantrum already.

Maisie leapt energetically into the kitchen for a few minutes and Yaz kept half an eye on both her and the Doctor as they attempted to follow a simple recipe for chocolate biscuits. Yaz had written it out in large, simple words to help Maisie read it on her own and the Doctor was pretending to be unable to help, citing lost glasses.

As soon as the biscuits were in the oven, the Doctor managed to persuade Maisie to read a few pages of her book though she soon lost interest and wandered into the living room where the television could be heard, blasting an episode of something Yaz didn’t recognise on CBBC.

“What the hell is phonics?” the Doctor asked, trying to get to grips with what ever method they were using to teach Maisie to read and looking at the reading book entitled Top Cat.

“Dunno. Something about how they teach kids to read.”

“Didn’t you learn it?”

“Nope, means nothing to me.”

“Seems needlessly complicated.”

“Can't be any worse than High Gallifreyan” Yaz pointed out.

“That’s true. I don’t remember learning to read it myself but I remember helping Susan when she was small.”

Thankfully, their evening passed peacefully enough. Maisie ate the pasta bolognaise without complaint and then spent some time drawing and colouring at the kitchen table before Yaz took her up to bed at eight. Carole had emphasised the importance of keeping Maisie in her same routine as she was in at home including rough meal times, a strict bedtime and when she should do homework, have a bath and watch TV. It helped Maisie feel safe and manage her behaviour. It was a technique Yaz was familiar with as she had used with the Doctor for a long time. And to an extent, still did, she needed lots of warning and time to process when things were going to be different.

After a leisurely start the next morning, involving Yaz and the Doctor doing physio in the conservatory while Maisie watched the television in the living room, Yaz, Maisie and the Doctor all piled into the car to start the drive to the coast which was something Maisie had really wanted to do when they had asked her. As it was only a few days away from Halloween, it was very cold out and there would be absolutely no paddling but they did have a selection of Tupperware pots from the cupboard and some spoons to make sandcastles with and the fish and chip shop would be open. And hopefully it would give Maisie some wide open space in which to burn off some of her excess energy. They were going to spend the morning there before heading back to Sheffield for the Doctor’s regular hydrotherapy session.

Despite having a disturbed night, Maisie was bright eyed and bushy tailed as they walked along the promenade parallel to the sand heading for the beach wheelchair rental.

“Come on! Come on! Come on!” Maisie shouted in good humour, anxious to start her time on the sand.

“We’re coming Maisie, the sand isn’t going anywhere you know!” Yaz joked with her.

“You’re too slow Jane! I wanna go on the sand nooooooow!” Maisie grumbled. She grabbed the handles of the Doctor’s wheelchair and attempted to push her onto the sand determinedly.

The Doctor yelped as her fingers became trapped in the spokes of her wheels and Maisie continued to push until Yaz physically stopped her, the Doctor unable to do so with them caught in her wheels as Maisie had ignored her plea to let go.

“Yaz! I want to go on the sand!” Maisie spat furiously, her good humour gone all of a sudden as Yaz gently caught her wrists to stop Maisie hitting her for a second time.

“Are you alright love?” Yaz asked the Doctor who was massaging her fingers. They were bright red and had deep welts from the spokes, one was actually bleeding and Yaz fished a tissue out of her pocket and handed it over while still lightly holding Maisie with the other. She bent down at Maisie’s level to speak to her while the Doctor dealt with her finger.

“Maisie, look at me” Yaz asked her.

Maisie resolutely looked away.

“Maisie, I need to talk to you. Look at me please.” Yaz requested again,

This time Maisie did, rolling her eyes and sighing dramatically.

“Maisie, I know you’re excited and want to help but you can't just grab Jane’s wheelchair and push her. It is only hers to touch. If you want to help it’s important that you ask her first. Now her hands are hurt.”

The Doctor showed off her fingers which were clearly painful though she wasn’t complaining.

“But I wanna go to the beach noooow.” She whined.

“I know you do Maisie” the Doctor interjected. “But sometimes it takes me longer to do things.”

“It’s not fair! Just get up and walk and we’ll be faster.” Maisie moaned and she actually grabbed the Doctor’s hands as if to pull her to her feet.

“Maisie stop that” Yaz intervened quickly, holding Maisie’s wrists again but this time encircling the little girl in a calming bear hug to stop her lashing out again.

The Doctor was breathing heavily, she hated to be touched, and Yaz could see her fighting to maintain her self control. Yaz desperately wanted to comfort her and check in with her but she couldn’t do that and keep Maisie safe at the same time and at this particular moment in time, Maisie’s needs were more pressing.

“Maisie you know I would love to get up and run around with you. Ask Yaz, before I got hurt I never used to sit still at all. But I can't walk. I can't just get out of my wheelchair because it’s faster. I have to sit in it all the time or else stay in bed.”

Maisie suddenly burst into noisy tears and flung herself at the Doctor, bending her already painful hands back a little more in the process. Yaz neglected to remind her that she had to stop throwing herself at the Doctor whose chair always wobbled a little at the impact.

“I’m sorry Jane!” she howled, clutching the Doctor around her chest and burrowing her head into the Doctor’s coat, a light, blueish-grey short, parka jacket.

“I’m okay” the Doctor reassured her and after a few minutes, she managed to coax Maisie to stand up and walk beside her without swinging on one of her push handles which kept pulling her sideways towards the sand.

Once she had been persuaded to let go of the Doctor’s chair Maisie settled enough to walk with them to the beach wheelchair rental hut. Yaz had slightly been concerned that it would be seasonal and therefore closed but they were in luck and it was open year round. The transfer between the two chairs was tricky and unfamiliar and Yaz put a steadying hand on the Doctor’s back for reassurance. With her leg muscles so much stronger and more reliable and all the extra practice she got with transfers in the house now no one had to carry her to bed or the bathroom she was transferring much more easily and Yaz hadn't had to help her, apart from when she’d had a seizure, in weeks.

While the Doctor’s own wheelchair was virtually useless on soft sand, the beach wheelchair was almost as annoying to her as she wasn’t able to propel it herself. Yaz pushed her down to the sand, Maisie insisting on helping but once they got down on the sand Maisie finally seemed to relax and the perpetual wariness that she had dissipated somewhat as the deserted open space stretched in front of them. The Doctor often had a similar wariness though she tended to lose hers when they were at home, she didn’t really like anywhere public.

They wandered off along the beach with no real destination in mind. Maisie skipped off happily in front of them searching for seashells and she kept darting back to them to show them her favourites.

“Ooh look at this one Jane! It’s purple!.. Wow, this one is shiny!... Can you hear the sea?” she would exclaim and promptly dump the shell in question on the Doctor’s lap before looking for her next treasure.

“Maisie! I am not a shopping trolley!” the Doctor called after her but it was pointless as Maisie was already bending down to look at something else and the Doctor’s voice was carried away in the wind.

She kept sliding down in the soft, mesh seat and Yaz helped her pull herself upright. The chair was like sitting in a large fabric cradle on a frame so it would be suitable for most people. The last time the Doctor had used it she had still been entirely dependent on Yaz for every little thing, unable to hold her own head up half the time let alone sit on her own and she had been perfectly safe in it then. But now she was so much more physically able, it was just annoying.

“Urgh. I have sand everywhere.” She complained, attempting to swat some of it off her lap without throwing Maisie’s shells onto the ground. “Think it’s down my trousers.”

Yaz giggled.

The Doctor muttered something about shoving sand down Yaz’s trousers to see how she liked it which, to her annoyance, only made Yaz laugh harder.

They walked for a couple of hours, ambling along with no sense of urgency and completing a large circuit. As they neared their starting point, Yaz’s arms were aching with the effort of pushing the wheelchair through the sand and all three of them sat on the sand to make some sandcastles. The Doctor unceremoniously dumped the pile of fifty or so ‘special’ shells that Maisie had chosen and proclaimed each to be her favourite back onto the sand and Yaz lifted her down to join them. She had a spoon strapped to her hand and followed Maisie’s instructions to build Arendelle from Frozen out of the empty pots.

Yaz had been tasked with digging a moat to surround the city and she dug out the sand leaving Maisie and the Doctor in the middle of the ‘moat’ good naturedly. The Doctor was building the streets of the city and Yaz was relieved that both her brain and her body were cooperating enough to allow her to fully participate. Maisie, naturally, was building the palace of Elsa and Anna and decorating it carefully with sea shells.

“Jane you have to move now” she ordered bossily after a while. “You’re in the way. I need to build the ice palace now.”

Yaz helped her drag herself across the sand without destroying the town or moat and they sat together, huddled up against the bracing wind as Maisie sculpted her ice palace, her tongue poking out in concentration.

When she had finally finished Yaz asked a passing dog walker to take a group photograph of them, posing with their creation before they headed into a small café to warm up with hot chocolate.

The café was small, the owner looking like a grandma from a fairytale, but as soon as they were back inside, Maisie was back on high alert. She refused to speak to the friendly owner who was chatting comfortably with Yaz and the Doctor, not in the least bit fazed by the Doctor’s appearance like most people were but Maisie glared into her drink until the woman left them alone to serve another customer, her entire tiny body rigid with tension.

“Are you alright sweetheart?” the Doctor asked.

“I don’t like her.” She grouched, her bottom lip sticking out.

“She’s just an old lady who's chatting.” The Doctor reasoned.

“You're supposed to be talking to me. You're my friend.”

“I can talk to lots of people Maisie, but I’ll always have time to talk to you too.”

Maisie ignored that but she did start drinking her drink.

A few minutes later the peaceful café was descended upon by a noisy group of teenage boys who were ordering cokes and buying chocolate bars and both the Doctor and Maisie both went rigid. Maisie shuffled her seat closer to Yaz looking stressed and the Doctor, who was opposite rather than next to Yaz shrank away from them. Yaz took the Doctor’s hand under the table, squeezing it reassuringly and wrapped her other arm around Maisie. Well, at least she had already finished her drink. Yaz could feel Maisie trembling next to her and the Doctor wasn’t faring much better. As the noisy group quietened slightly with the arrival of their drinks the Doctor managed to put on a façade of being more relaxed in an attempt to reassure Maisie and picked up her hot chocolate to finish it but Maisie never took her eyes off them. After one of them gave a particularly loud whoop over a handheld games console both she and the Doctor startled badly and Maisie slopped her drink down her jumper. She looked at Yaz in fear, expecting a telling off.

Yaz handed her some napkins instead.

“Would you like to leave now sweetheart?” Yaz asked her instead.

Maisie nodded, her little face white and pinched and she clutched Yaz’s hand tightly as they left. The Doctor was faring marginally better thankfully and was able to get herself out under her own steam. Although in some ways what the Doctor and Maisie had been through was literally worlds apart in other ways it was exactly the same and they both had similar issues to deal with and work through. But it also made Yaz anxious. She could deal with the Doctor panicking or melting down and she was sure she could deal with Maisie doing the same but if something were to happen to set them both off at the same time she would be stuck.

“I’m sorry Yaz” Maisie whispered as Yaz checked her seatbelt and the Doctor loaded her wheelchair into the back seat.

“What for?”

“I made my jumper all dirty.”

“That’s okay Maisie. It doesn’t matter, we can put it in the washing machine when we got home.”

“You gonna yell at me?”

“Of course not. It was an accident and it’s easy fixed.”

“Oh... Carole and Paul don’t yell at me either.” She confirmed.

“Most adults don’t sweetheart.”

Maisie didn’t argue with Yaz but it was clear she didn’t believe her. She had spent the first ten years of her life being horrifically abused and only a few short months where that had changed. It was still the exception rather than the rule.

Both Maisie and the Doctor fell asleep on the drive back to Sheffield and Yaz drove with the radio down low, enjoying the peace and quiet until they arrived at hydrotherapy. Ryan’s car was already there and Yaz gently shook the Doctor awake to give her a minute to wake up properly before getting her wheelchair out of the back seat for her and waking Maisie.

Maisie was seemingly recovered from her nerves in the café and, fully recharged from her nap, was full of beans once again as she swung on Yaz’s hand as they made their way to the hydrotherapy pool.

The Doctor and Yaz had debated what to do with Maisie during her hydrotherapy sessions which she did twice per week. Not going wasn’t an option. The Doctor had been anxious about having Maisie see so much of her damaged body, worried it might frighten her and she hadn't particularly wanted Maisie to see the session which was undignified, exhausting and made her feel vulnerable. She had no desire for anyone to see her therapy sessions but she couldn’t just abandon them for a week, it would cause her a lot of pain if she were to do so and she was determined not to let everything she had earned through her own and Yaz’s hard work slip because she was embarrassed.

The three girls went into the one changing room together to put their swimsuits on. Although Maisie was used to seeing the Doctor’s face and she was used to seeing the Doctor as an amputee, it was the first time she had seen so much of her and she stared as Yaz helped the Doctor into her swimming costume.

She reached out and touched the Doctor’s stump, her fingers lightly ghosting the scars from the original break and poking the soft bit of skin where the wound had been closed.

“Maisie” the Doctor said gently. “I know my body looks different to yours, but I need you to ask before you touch it. It hurts me to be touched and makes me feel afraid.”

Yaz was impressed at how calm she was. The Doctor hated people to touch her and while Maisie meant no harm, unexpected touch, especially as intimate and familiar as someone grabbing her residual leg where the nerves were regularly hypersensitive, often led to her feeling totally overwhelmed and struggling to stay grounded. Thankfully, Maisie pulled her hand away quickly though she refused to look at the Doctor after that. 

Yaz helped the Doctor transfer into the rickety shower chair, she had never gained the confidence to do it on her own, not trusting its brakes and overall slight instability. It wasn’t designed to be self propelled and Yaz pushed her out to the poolside where she got onto the floor and shimmied into the water.

Ryan was already in the pool swimming laps having already gotten out the equipment Yaz had requested and a few toys for Maisie. In theory, he was going to keep her occupied at one end of the pool while Yaz and the Doctor did their session and then would spend some time playing with her.

Yaz and the Doctor started with swimming some laps. The Doctor had enough control over her body now that she didn’t need extra floats and as an extra bonus, she now had enough control over her legs to coordinate them to help her stroke.

After twenty lengths of the small pool they went straight to the submerged parallel bars. The Doctor sculled water on her back while Yaz strapped her hand grips on and then added a small weight to her ankle and stump to stop them drifting. The Doctor doggy paddled into place and Yaz helped her position her hands and foot. She was just beginning to inch herself along the bars without any assistance from Yaz and Ryan, no mean feet when she had to physically lift her body weight and swing herself forward. It took her several minutes to move along the four meter long bars and Yaz greeted her at the end of it where she worked on turning herself, up until the previous week Yaz had done all the work for that and while she still supported the Doctor to do it, she was learning.

While watching the Doctor drag herself up and down the bars, Yaz also watched Maisie with Ryan. She was in the shallowest water and he was throwing diving rings for her. Maisie couldn’t swim and was frightened to put her face in the water but Ryan was throwing diving rings for her which she was picking up with her feet.

Having completed her fourth walk along the bars the Doctor collapsed against Yaz panting and Yaz held her close, supporting her to stay upright.

“Take a breather” Yaz told her. “Then we can do the stairs.”

The Doctor nodded, her hands on Yaz’s shoulders while Yaz’s hands were on her waist, concentrating on holding herself steady.

When she was breathing easy again, Yaz relieved her of the weights and grips and the Doctor swam over to the steps. Yaz held her foot and stump so they didn’t bump against the tiles and the Doctor used the strength in her arms and core to lift herself up and down the stairs. It was a skill she was much less likely to need now it was only two spare bedrooms upstairs but the strength and coordination she got from it made it worthwhile. Plus, you never knew what kind of emergency she might find herself in. And since the day where she had crawled up the stairs to find Yaz, she had put much more effort into being able to move around the floor.

They spent another half hour exercising before calling it a day and going to join Maisie and Ryan who were having a splash fight. Maisie promptly threw herself at the Doctor excitedly and Ryan grabbed them both as she floundered, trying to find the strength from somewhere to stop them both splashing under water. The Doctor shot him a grateful smile while Yaz, once again, reminded Maisie that she needed to be more careful.

“Jane can you help me learn to swim?” Maisie asked, turning away from Yaz.

The Doctor froze a little. Could she? She couldn’t commit to anything long term and she knew there was no way she would be able to handle all the noise and stimulation and crowds of a public pool. Most likely Maisie wouldn’t either. And with her seizures, it would be irresponsible of her to take a child swimming without backup. It was only ten days since she had had a seizure while in the pool and while she had no recollection of it, Yaz had been very shaken.

“I can help you today” she agreed slowly. “But it can take a long time to learn to swim.”

Maisie grabbed her hand enthusiastically and tried to pull her into the centre of the pool. “Come oooon. Don’t be so slow!” She shouted behind her and Yaz quickly righted the Doctor just before she splashed into the water face first. While she could move through the water relatively freely, staying still was another matter and Yaz had been supporting her to stand.

“Can you lie down on your back Maisie? Yaz will help you.”

“No want you to do it!” Maisie protested.

“I can't Maisie, I wouldn’t make holding you safe.”

“You do it! You do it! You do it!” Maisie whined, pumping the Doctor’s left arm and causing her to wince in pain as her scars were stretched.

“Maisie don’t pull me like that, I don’t like it.” the Doctor asked her gently, attempting to tug her hand out of Maisie’s grip.

“I HATE YOU!” Maisie roared at her all of a sudden, shoving the Doctor hard in the stomach and causing her to bang into a wall. “YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING I WANT!”. She screamed and took off, running towards the changing rooms.

“Are you…” Yaz asked the Doctor anxiously.

“I’m fine. Go.” The Doctor told her.

Maisie might only be ten but it had been a hard push and she had landed awkwardly, her shoulder colliding painfully with the side of the pool.

“You alright?” Ryan asked her. He had caught her after she had fallen, preventing her from falling entirely into the water.

“Caught my shoulder, I’ll probably have a bruise but I'm fine” she answered. Truthfully though, she was concerned about Maisie’s outburst, especially as she had become violent.

Ryan pulled the shower chair into the water and the Doctor positioned herself on it, allowing Ryan to push her out. He knocked on the changing room door, waiting for clearance before pushing her in.

“I’ll wait outside today” he told her in a low voice.

From what he could see, it looked like Yaz, as ever, had things under control. She was talking to Maisie in a low but serious voice though he couldn’t pick out what they were saying. Maisie was still looking furious but she was calm and Yaz handed her her things to get changed before taking the Doctor over to the showers. But the peace felt precarious and the Doctor felt like they were just waiting for another eruption.

“Jaaane” Maisie asked after they got home, her tone of voice suggesting nothing good. “Why does Yaz help you with stuff. Is it cause you’re retarded?” The Doctor could tell that Maisie knew exactly what she was saying.

“Maisie I don’t know where you heard that word but it is not a nice thing to call anybody. You know why I need help with some things.”

“My daddy called me it all the time.” Maisie shrugged.

“Then you know it hurts when people call you unkind names.”

“I can do what I want.” She said petulantly.

“Nobody can do what they want.” The Doctor explained patiently. According to Carole, a variation of this conversation had been taking place several times a week. “Actions have consequences. You called me an unkind name, that has made me sad. But calling me something unkind won't make you feel good.”

“Don’t care. Hate you.”

“That’s sad because I like you a lot.”

“You talk like a baby. You can't even walk. You just sit around in your big pushchair like a big baby all the time and cry. Waah waah waah.” Maisie taunted, smirking in satisfaction.

It was horrible to watch.

“Maisie go upstairs. I don’t want to talk to you right now. You can come down when you’re ready to apologise.”

“Can't make me.”

“Maisie we will not be watching Frozen 2 after dinner tonight” Yaz sanctioned. “Go upstairs before you lose out on the park tomorrow as well.”

“That’s not fair!” Maisie screamed.

“3…”

Maisie didn’t move, staring stubbornly at Yaz.

“…2…”

Maisie hesitated.

“W…” Yaz started to say.

Maisie got up and stamped up the stairs as loudly as she could. “I didn’t want to watch a stupid film with stupid babies anyway” she raged as loudly as she could.

Yaz followed her out of the room but reappeared a few minutes later with the baby monitor. They had set it up in Maisie’s room, worried she could have nightmares and they wouldn’t hear her from their bedroom downstairs but now Yaz wanted the visual to make sure Maisie wasn’t going to come to any harm. She was very angry.

“Are you okay?” Yaz asked the Doctor after she had plugged it in on the kitchen bench.

“What was all that about?” The Doctor sounded shaken.

“She’s testing you. She wants you to retaliate and prove to her that you’re not worthy of her time and are just someone else who will abuse her. And she's in so much pain and so angry about what she's been through she's trying to release it in the only way she can.”

“How do you know all this?”

“You used to do the same thing.” Yaz told her gently. “I did a lot of reading on the psychology of it, didn’t really make any easier to hear, did stop me from shouting back at you. Most of the time anyway.”

“I’m so sorry Yaz.”

“It’s okay. I know.”

“It’s not okay.”

“You’re right, it isn’t. But neither is what you and Maisie have been through. I don’t think that’ll be the only display of anger we’re going to see so brace yourself.”

“So what do we do now?”

“I always used to walk away from you. I’d make sure you were safe but then I left you on your own to calm down for a bit. Usually worked.”

“Usually?”

“You lashed out a couple of times. Threw your crutch at me once. I lost my temper with you that day. You were on the grass outside and had just fallen and I offered to help you up. You screamed at me about how you didn’t need any help. I turned to walk away and you threw it so I went and took the other one off you. I shouldn’t have done it. You were in early days then, think you’d only been on your feet for two or three weeks, you certainly couldn’t have managed without them and you probably would have been in too much pain to crawl so you were stuck outside.”

“I’m so sorry Yaz” the Doctor whispered, horrified at her own behaviour.

“It was a long time ago. I know you wouldn’t do it now. You’ve learned to manage your anger and to walk away. I'm proud of you for that.”

“I just can't believe you stayed with me after all the crap I put you through.”

“You weren’t yourself. You were traumatised and terrified. And you haven’t done it in a long time.”

“Doesn’t excuse it.”

“No but it does explain it. Do you want to come up with me to talk to Maisie?”

“Not really. Don’t really want her to see you carry me right now if I'm honest.”

Maisie might be ten and lashing out at the world but what she had said hurt. And now Yaz had told her about it, she had a vague recollection of the throwing the crutch incident and it was making her feel sick.

“Ok” Yaz agreed softly, offering the Doctor a soft kiss as she left the room. The Doctor couldn’t help but hate just how much understanding there was in that one word and she listened in as Yaz talked to a now tearful Maisie.

As she had apologised and behaved for the rest of the evening the Doctor and Yaz made good on their promise to take her to the park. It was bitterly cold and as such, the park was empty which was good for them as Maisie was relaxed enough to run around and play uninhibited.

Ten years of cruel abuse and neglect meant that her physical skills were nowhere near the level you would expect of a child of her age and she struggled to climb the simple climbing frame but gave it a valiant effort.

Yaz had sat on a bench watching as the Doctor had encouraged Maisie to play, too tired to move. She had been up four times in the night to deal with nightmares, one from the Doctor who had simply cried inconsolably in her sleep and three from Maisie who had screamed in terror. Between the two of them Yaz estimated she’d had less than an hour of sleep in total.

When they got home from the park Yaz went back to bed while the Doctor entertained Maisie at the kitchen table with a paint set that Najia had found in the back of a cupboard and sent over.

By the time Yaz got up about three hours later the Doctor was exhausted from all of Maisie’s chatter. She hadn't stopped talking the entire afternoon though she really hadn't required much input from the Doctor, mostly talking nonsense at her. It was slightly disconcerting, but it was something else Carole had warned them about. Apparently, it was a way for Maisie to block out intrusive thoughts in her head that she didn’t want to process. It was heart breaking. 

Maisie had finally tired of painting and Yaz offered to walk her to the corner shop to buy some chicken for the dinner which she agreed to delightedly.

“How was the afternoon?” Yaz asked, yawning as soon as Maisie had run upstairs for her trainers.

“Exhausting. And I’ve a bit of a headache.”

“We’ll go the long way round” Yaz offered. “Go take half an hour. Still four hours to bedtime.”

“I’ll tell you, if this is what she's always like it’s not a bit of wonder they needed a few days away.”

“Jaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeee!” Maisie squealed loudly, barrelling through the front door. Clearly the walk to the shop to calm her down and burn off some energy had not had the desired effect.

Maisie ran down the hall looking for the Doctor who had just appeared from the bedroom and was on her way down the hall.

“Maisie, don’t jump on her” Yaz called for what felt like the twentieth time already that week but it was too late as Maisie charged down the hall at top speed and took a flying leap at the Doctor.

It seemed to happen in slow motion while Yaz was rooted to the spot. The Doctor instinctively tried to lean forwards to counteract the sudden impact that was Maisie, but it wasn’t enough and her chair tipped backwards.

Somehow the Doctor managed to wrap her arms around Maisie to stop the little girl from being thrown over her shoulder upon impact, but it stopped her from being able to do anything to prevent the fall or save herself.

Yaz watched in horror as the Doctor’s wheelchair went straight back, colliding with the stairs with a metallic clang before landing heavily on the floor with a muffled thump followed by a sickening crack from the Doctor’s head. Maisie immediately started howling and struggling to get up, but the Doctor was still and silent.


	83. Chapter 83

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to all three of the people who commented for the first time on the last chapter, it was very exciting as I didn't think this story would attract any new readers because it's so long.
> 
> I think I deserve a round of applause for getting this out at all. First off my computer crashed just as I finished. I spent two hours on hold with Microsoft to get it sorted which we did but I lost the last couple of hours work. I rewrote them and then the power went out about two hours ago so I finished this in the dark. It isn't proofread though because my laptop battery will go at any minute!

“Maisie stop moving” Yaz said, her voice commanding and full of authority, the same tone of voice she used when chasing down suspects at work. Maisie instantly stopped but she was still screaming.

Yaz bent down beside her. “Maisie stop screaming, you’re fine. I’m going to lift you up, but Jane is hurt and I’m going to need your help. Can you do that?”

Maisie nodded and Yaz wrapped her arms around her and lifted her straight up, grateful that even though she had put on far more weight than the Doctor had ever managed, she was still slight. The Doctor didn’t respond to Maisie moving and her eye was mostly closed. With Maisie moved out of the way Yaz could see that her arm was at a funny angle and there was a bulge at her shoulder.

“Is she dead Yaz?” Maisie whispered, sounding terrified.

“No she’s not, but she is hurt.” Yaz told her with a lot more confidence than she felt and she checked the Doctor’s pulse as she pulled out her phone and dialled Graham. Ryan would have been her first choice, but he was at university and it would take him more than an hour to get back in the evening traffic. Graham was less than five minutes away assuming he was home.

Thankfully he was and as Yaz hung up, having briefly explained what had happened, she could already hear his keys jangling.

Yaz turned her attention to the Doctor, and started talking to her, calling out commands which she didn’t respond to and finally rubbing her sternum hard, trying to elicit a pain response.

Thankfully that worked as the Doctor gasped and spluttered, head moving round in confusion and panic. Yaz caught her gently, placing her hands on the Doctor’s cheeks and forcing the Doctor to look at her. 

“Look at me love.” Yaz commanded gently. “You’ve had a bit of a fall but you’re going to be fine.”

The Doctor shivered. She didn’t look any less confused.

“You cold?”

That wasn’t good, in all the time Yaz had known her, she had never known her to feel cold.

“Mmmm” the Doctor agreed vaguely.

She started to gag and before Yaz could clock what was happening she had vomited violently over the floor. She had raised and turned her head to do so but when she was done, she lay back with a deep groan, her eyes fluttering shut again.

Thankfully at that moment, Graham appeared, letting himself in.

“Graham, I need your help” Yaz said sharply as he gazed at the sight, stopping in his tracks abruptly.

“What do you need?”

“Undo her seatbelt and slide her chair out from underneath her.”

Graham complied and he carefully placed her legs on the floor.

No sooner than she was flat, the Doctor’s entire body went rigid and before Yaz could process what was about to happen, she was seizing.

“Shit” Yaz muttered as she rolled the Doctor onto her side. This was a reaction to the bang she’d just had to the head Yaz was sure. She’d been fine all day, there had been no warning signs that a seizure was on the way. Graham appeared at her side a moment later and shoved a cushion under the Doctor’s head.

“I know you’re scared love, but it’ll be over soon” Yaz told her. She checked the Doctor’s wrist and was relieved to see that her bracelet was monitoring everything.

No matter how many seizures the Doctor had, they never became any less terrifying and, while outwardly appearing calm, Yaz’s heart was in her mouth.

The choking sounds she emitted were always awful to hear and Yaz wiped away the foam at her mouth.

“You’re safe Doctor. I’m here with you. Graham and Maisie are here too. I know you’re in pain but it’ll be over soon.”

“Yaz what’s happening?” Maisie whispered. She was staring at the Doctor in horror.

“It’s a seizure Maisie. Remember we talked about them before?”

“Make it stop” she whimpered.

“I can't Maisie. It’ll stop on its own.”

Relatively speaking, the seizure was short, just under five minutes and as ever, the Doctor didn’t regain consciousness afterwards but, far more worryingly, she vomited again, this time all over Yaz but she was still unconscious.

“Graham, can you help me carry her to the bed? I need to take a proper look at her.”

Graham lifted the Doctor’s lower half while Yaz lifted her top, careful to support her under her head and neck. Behind them, Yaz registered that Maisie had run off and she heard the back door slam. That was okay, there was nowhere for her to go from out there.

“Thanks Graham. Can you look after Maisie? I got this.”

Graham nodded. Grandad skills were his speciality. “Shout if you need anything.”

Yaz was very thankful for the extra money they had spent on the bed which was fully adjustable. Using the remote she raised the height of the bed so the Doctor was at a height that wouldn’t hurt Yaz’s back to work at. She was about to raise the Doctor’s feet in case she was going into shock when her entire body went stiff once again and before Yaz could do anything, she was seizing for a second time.

Yaz dropped the remote back onto the bedside table, instincts kicking in as she rolled the Doctor onto her side. This one was worse than the one in the hall and she was rapidly losing colour and going blue around her lips and fingers. Although the bed had a special slot to hold an oxygen tank, and indeed the Doctor’s was there, Yaz couldn’t hold her on her side and unwind the tubes. It was one of the most violent seizures Yaz had supported her through, but it was also one of the shortest at just over three minutes.

Even as the seizure slowed and then stopped, Yaz was on high alert as she tried to rouse the Doctor.

“Doctor, wake up for me!” Yaz called as she raised the head of the bed and slowly sat her up at a forty five degree angle while also inserting the nasal cannula into the Doctor’s nose while she did so to support her breathing.

She didn’t.

Yaz shook the shoulder that wasn’t injured.

“Doctor, I need you to open your eyes for me” Yaz demanded, more forcefully this time.

The Doctor stirred slightly.

“Try and stay awake for me love. Where are you hurt?”

“Hmmm…” the Doctor mumbled thickly, looking round her.

“You had a fall love. Hit your head. I brought you to bed, but you’ve had a couple of seizures as well…”

Yaz trailed off. The Doctor was gagging again and Yaz grabbed the bin, pulling her forwards just in time as she was spectacularly sick for the third time.

Yaz wiped her mouth for her and settled her gently back against the pillows as the Doctor looked like she was about to pass out again.

This was not good. Really really not good.

“Hey, concentrate Doctor okay? No sleeping.” Yaz warned her and pulled out her phone. It was answered after three rings and Yaz didn’t give the person time to speak as she put her phone on speaker.

“Dr Jones? It’s Yaz.”

_“Yaz, I assume this isn’t a social call?”_

“No. The Doctor’s had a fall. Straight backwards in her chair but hit the stairs on her way down. She's confused, disoriented sweating and shivery. She’s vomited three times and had two seizures in the half hour since it happened. I have her on oxygen support because her breathing is fast, she’s gone totally grey. And she’s hurt her shoulder, I don’t know if it’s a broken collarbone or dislocation or what but it’s at a horrible angle.”

_“Can she hear me?”_

“Yeah you’re on speaker. But she’s barely conscious.”

_“Okay, you need to keep her awake, sounds like she's taken a nasty bump to the head. Those are all symptoms of a serious concussion. Is her head bleeding? We need to deal with that before her shoulder.”_

“I’ll check.”

Yaz unwrapped the Doctor’s scarf for her, horrified when blood instantly started trickling down the Doctor’s neck.

“Martha, she’s bleeding heavily. Huge laceration, maybe eight or nine centimetres long. It’s in the scar tissue rather than in her hair.”

_“Okay. I know the blood is frightening Yaz but it’s a good thing. If she’s bleeding where you can see it, it means she’s less likely to be bleeding from her brain and causing pressure to build up which would be how she would end up with more brain damage but we still need to get it stopped and try to reduce any swelling. Make a compress with a clean tea towel and then wrap some ice or frozen peas in another tea towel.”_

Yaz disappeared for a moment and reappeared quickly with the required items which she held firmly against the cut. The Doctor just blinked in confusion, not really aware of what was happening to her. While she might not have been Martha’s biggest fan, Yaz was grateful for her calm presence at the other end of the phone. It felt like it took an age for the bleeding to stop but it did eventually. The Doctor remained half conscious and uncommunicative throughout.

_“Yaz we need to think about her shoulder now. Is she breathing okay?”_

“Yeah. I’ve still got her on the nasal cannula though.”

_“Switch it out for the full mask. And we need to lie her down flat to do this.”_

Yaz did as she was told and lowered the head of the bed slowly as well as taking the pillow out from under the Doctor’s head. She groaned loudly at the change of position.

_“You’re going to have to cut her top off.”_

Yaz was already on it and she retrieved the scissors she had grabbed when she’d gone for ice and cut the Doctor’s favourite, wine colour t-shirt with rainbow stripes.

Yaz put Martha on video chat and showed her the injured shoulder while Martha talked Yaz through an assessment of the injury.

 _“She must have gone down hard to have broken her collarbone and dislocated her shoulder in one go.”_ Martha commented.

“It wasn’t so much the going down as it was the landing on the stair and then an extra thump on the floor followed by a ten year old landing on top of her.” Yaz pointed out.

Under Martha’s instructions Yaz sent Graham out to buy a sling to immobilise the Doctor’s arm and he took Maisie with him.

_“Yaz no pressure or anything but I need you to get this right the first time. A dislocated shoulder is incredibly painful to reset but with the broken collarbone this is going to be excruciating.”_

“Yes I’m aware thanks Martha” Yaz said stiffly. She knew how much she was about to hurt her girlfriend. She was standing beside her, holding the Doctor’s wrist and she pulled it out to a ninety degree angle. The Doctor was emitting low moans of pain and Yaz forced herself to ignore them as she pushed the Doctor’s arm further so it was closer to her shoulder and twisted lightly. The Doctor’s shoulder finally slid back into place after a few minutes with a light crunching sound and the Doctor let out a short scream before promptly throwing up again.

When Graham arrived back half an hour later, Yaz had eased the Doctor forward and she was leaning bonelessly against Yaz, her chin on Yaz’s shoulder while Yaz continued to press the towel and ice to her head and another to her damaged shoulder in an effort to reduce the swelling. She was marginally more alert but completely exhausted. Martha had rung off but not before giving a long series of instructions which included but were not limited to no sleeping for six hours (longer if she were to have another seizure or throw up again or have any other symptoms that could indicate a worsening of the concussion, getting lots of rest, wearing the sling for a minimum of ten days, after that she could push her chair around the house slowly if she could manage it and felt up to it but she wasn’t to overdo it and had to stop if she was in pain and no self propelling outside at all for three weeks, no walking frame for at least three weeks though she could do a supported stand with Yaz and Ryan when the sling came off and no transfers for at least three weeks. Which was, of course, all purely speculatory. The Doctor healed much faster than a human but her brain damage seemed to have affected it too so it wasn’t as fast as it could have been. And the Doctor would be sure to protest about the restrictions loudly when she was alert enough to understand. But if she were to cause permanent damage to her shoulder it would be incredibly limiting for her.

Graham knocked on the door and let himself in, carrying the sling in a paper bag.

“How’re you doin’ Doc?” he asked her. He had cleaned up the mess in the hall and was pushing the Doctor’s wheelchair in front of him which was squeaking and Yaz could clearly see that it was damaged in at least two places although the Doctor wasn’t conscious enough to realise that.

She blinked at him slowly as her only response. Yaz hadn't got any coherent words out of her yet either.

“Can you come and sit behind her and I’ll sort out the sling?” Yaz asked Graham. He nodded and Yaz repeated what she had said, this time addressing the Doctor who just blinked blearily.

Yaz carefully lowered her back so she was leaning against Graham and she let out a small moan.

Although the sling looked complicated it wasn’t as bad as Yaz had feared as she bent the Doctor’s arm to a ninety degree angle where it could be best supported and secured it with one strap over her good shoulder and another around her chest which hopefully wouldn’t interfere with the gait belt if she needed to wear it. The Doctor cried in pain the whole time, pulling at Yaz’s heart strings but she was barely conscious and Yaz hoped she wouldn’t remember it when she came round again.

“Can you sit with her for a while Graham?” Yaz asked as she took the Doctor’s weight again and allowed Graham to slip out from behind her. “I can't leave her alone like this, but I need to arrange for a repair service for her wheelchair, phone Carole and deal with Maisie.”

“I can love but I’m on shift tonight, they’re expecting me. I texted Ryan though and he’ll call in later.”

“He doesn’t have to do that, he’s on afternoons this week, he’ll just want to get home and get to bed.”

“He worries about her too Yaz. You know he’s going to have to come and see her for himself to reassure him she’s not going to die in the night or something.”

“It’s a damaged shoulder…”

“And a serious head injury. Look at her, she hasn’t a clue what’s going on. And it’s the last thing she needs right now.”

“Yeah I know. But it’s hard to say if the confusion is from the bump to the head or because she’s postictal after two seizures back to back.”

Yaz eased the Doctor back so she was leaning against the pillows of the raised bed head and straightened out her legs so she was lying comfortably.

“Rest easy. Graham’s gonna keep you company but I’ll come and get you when I’ve made dinner.”

Yaz left the room. She needed to talk to Maisie but she knew she was too angry to do it just at the moment. She checked on her quietly, she was in her bedroom playing with the dolls house and Yaz left her where she was and went downstairs to arrange for a wheelchair repair service to collect the Doctor’s chair first thing the next morning.

Procrastinating, Yaz made her way to the kitchen and slowly started to prepare the dinner as she debated how to tackle Maisie. Shouting at her wouldn’t do any of them any good and would probably frighten her and could destroy their relationship. While she hadn't meant for the Doctor to get hurt both Yaz and the Doctor had repeatedly explained why she couldn’t just throw herself at the Doctor or touch her or grab her without permission but she hadn't taken it on board and now the Doctor was badly hurt. And up to a month of forced inactivity was really going to set her recovery back. Not to mention now Yaz was going to have to start coordinating with Ryan, Graham and possibly her mum as well because if she couldn’t even propel her wheelchair she was back at the point where she couldn’t be left alone. All the independence she had worked so hard to regain and had been doing so incredibly well at was going to be stripped away from her though Yaz didn’t think that realisation had hit her yet. When it did, there would be tears and anger and Yaz was already mentally psyching herself up for it.

Yaz put the dinner in the oven and sank down at the kitchen table, her head in her hands and phone in front of her. She needed to phone Carole for advice and she was dreading it though not as much as she was dreading tackling Maisie.

Carole answered and greeted Yaz cheerfully but her tone became serious when Yaz recounted the events of the afternoon.

_“Yaz I'm so sorry. Do you want us to come and collect her? Will Jane be okay?”._

She sounded upset.

“Jane’s not really in a position to discuss it this evening and I'm not going to make that decision on my own but I don’t think so. We don’t want to kick her out but Jane’s wheelchair is badly damaged and with her arm out of action she’s going to need full care for a while and I honestly don’t know if I can provide her with that while looking after Maisie. I'm going to phone my mum after I’ve spoken to you and see if she can help us out.”

_“I can't tell you how guilty I feel.”_

“Please don’t. It’s not your fault. Maisie is a badly damaged child and Jane and I both knew it before we agreed to look after her. I'm more phoning for advice on how to tackle her.”

_“You're a victim support unit police sergeant, you’re more qualified for this than I am. Don’t shout at her, it terrifies her and only reinforces the behaviour she grew up with. You need to make sure she understands just how serious the consequences of her actions are. Don’t tell her anything Jane would be uncomfortable with but also, she needs to know that Jane’s seriously hurt and in pain and is going to need looked after. If Jane is comfortable with it, I would get Maisie help her with some things that are appropriate for her age. And I know you had lots of fun outings planned but cancel them. I know it was an accident, but this is a serious issue and you have asked her lots of times in the past not to jump on Jane’s wheelchair and explained why. Maisie needs to take responsibility for that, she's nearly eleven now.”_

“You don’t think that’s too harsh?”

_“I'm not suggesting she sits in her room for the rest of the week but Maisie is acting out and testing limits left, right and centre at the moment. She's never lived in a world where there are safe, reliable consequences and boundaries in place and the people she grew up around did whatever they wanted and got away with it. If she's ever to be a happy adult and stay out of prison she needs to learn that that isn’t the real world.”_

“Thanks Carole, I appreciate your advice.”

_“Call me and let me know how it goes. And if you need us to come back early we will Yaz. It sounds like you’re going to have your hands full caring for Jane.”_

“I'm not making a decision until I’ve spoken to her but I’m sure it won't be necessary.” Yaz reiterated.

Yaz’s next call was to her parents to update them on what had happened. Understandably, they were extremely concerned and Najia offered to come over as soon as she’d had dinner and stay for a few days for which Yaz was supremely grateful.

By the time Yaz had spoken to her parents and texted Ryan to reassure him that the Doctor would be fine the timer for the dinner was going off. Yaz put some on a plate for Maisie and called her down. She didn’t plate any for herself and the Doctor wasn’t conscious enough to eat.

“Where’s Jane?” Maisie asked as she ate.

“Bed” Yaz answered shortly.

“Why?”

Yaz struggled to keep her face and voice neutral. “Because she’s not very well right now.”

“Oh.”

Maisie chattered away while she was eating but thankfully she didn’t seem to require any input from Yaz who didn’t think she could talk to her normally and she didn’t want to address what had happened until she had spoken to the Doctor which wouldn’t happen until the next day at the earliest.

Yaz gave a plate to Graham who was rambling away at the Doctor and mechanically did the dishes. She was incredibly relieved when her mum turned up. Najia took over sitting with the Doctor for a bit while Yaz put Maisie to bed. It had been a long day.

She made the Doctor a nutrition drink, put it in her water bottle and headed back down to the bedroom.

“How’re you feeling sweetheart?” Najia asked after knocking on the bedroom door.

“I’ve been worse, I’ll be fine.”

“I’m glad to hear that but I don’t think your chair is I’m afraid.” Najia had just seen it off to the repair company who had arrived to collect it.

“What’s wrong with it?” she asked, sitting up abruptly and wobbling until Yaz steadied her. “Ooof, bit dizzy” she groaned softly, her face losing the little colour it had as she also jolted her shoulder in the process.

Her words were slurring more than usual Yaz noted but she was coherent.

Yaz moved behind her to check the head wound, carefully peeling back the large dressing. It probably could have done with stitches but they had made do with steri-strips and the scar tissue on her head was so fragile it probably wouldn’t have coped with stitches anyway. The cut was still bloody though it seemed to have stopped weeping which was an improvement and Yaz gently covered it with a fresh dressing, kissing it as she did so in an attempt to make the Doctor smile.

“The wheel is damaged and the frame at the back is dented out of shape…” Yaz explained to her, “I’m sorry” she added, seeing the look of distress on her face.

“Nooo” she whispered. She looked devastated.

“Hey, we’ll get it fixed love. You’ll have it back in a few days.” Yaz said, wrapping her arm around her.

“But what am I supposed to do until then. I can't stay in bed for days.”

“You can't push yourself with your arm in a sling anyway and The Beast is still in the garage. You can use that.”

“I hate that chair” she muttered darkly.

“I know you do love. But it’s not for ever and it’s better than staying in bed. How do you feel?”

“Oh fantastic Yaz. Truly wonderful.” The Doctor complained sarcastically.

“I know, I’m sorry love. And I wish this could wait until you’re feeling better but we need to talk about what to do with Maisie.”

“What do you mean?”

“She’s hurt you. After doing something we have repeatedly told her not to do and explained why. Now for the next few weeks you might as well have gone back six months in your recovery with your arm out of action and I’m honestly not entirely sure I can do what I need to do for you and look after her as well. She’s incredibly demanding. And that’s not to mention the more than £1000 bill we’re about to have to pay for you wheelchair to be fixed.”

The Doctor groaned, rubbing her head with her left hand.

“I know she’s ten but I'm so angry right now. I honestly don’t know if I can keep my temper.”

“You're allowed to be angry with her. I’ve lost track of the number of times we’ve told her not to jump on you like that. I reminded her before we came back in through the door.”

“I don’t even know who or what I'm angry with Yaz. She didn’t mean for this to happen but she didn’t listen. And if I wasn’t so…” she floundered for the right words. “…like this then it wouldn’t have mattered.”

“Then you would probably have never met her at all and she would never have bonded with you in the hospital.”

“Don’t try and make me feel guilty Yaz.”

“I'm not. But we still need to talk about what we’re going to do.”

Yaz recounted the conversation she’d had with Carole the previous evening.

“We need to talk to her together” the Doctor decided eventually. “But I think if you transfer me right now I’ll be sick.”

“I’ll go and get The Beast from the garage and then I’ll bring Maisie in here. Do you want anything?”

The Doctor looked guilty. “Can you help me get dressed? I don’t want to see her in my pyjamas.”

“Sure” Yaz agreed easily. “What do you want to wear?”

“Whatever’s easiest.”

Yaz went to her drawers and pulled out an oversized jumper and pair of joggers along with a warm, fuzzy sock and her slipper.

The Doctor bit her lip as Yaz very, very gently eased her arm out of the sling and into the sleeve of the jumper. It had fitted her once though now was at least three sizes too big and drowned her tiny figure but it was soft and stretchy and would hopefully hurt less to get her in and out of. Well that was the intention but the Doctor still cried out in pain involuntarily as Yaz stretched it over her head and carefully secured her arm in the sling. She was breathing heavily, trying to control the pain she was in as Yaz helped her into the pair of joggers, rolling her slightly from side to side to ease them over her hips.

Yaz lowered the back rest of the bed so she was mostly reclined and tenderly put a soft pillow underneath the Doctor’s injured shoulder and another under her hip so she was slightly on her side.

“Is that any better?” Yaz asked, smoothing some hair out of the Doctor’s face. She was grey again and Yaz was in no hurry to remove the nasal cannula that was providing her with supplemental oxygen just yet.

“I’m fine” she panted. “Let’s just sort out the chair and then we can talk to Maisie.”

Yaz disappeared and came back five minutes later pushing The Beast and the Doctor eyed it with distaste. But she was propped on her left side and Yaz was behind her and she really didn’t feel up to rolling over to look at it but she could hear Yaz wiping the dust off of it and checking the tyres.

“Are you ready for Maisie?” Yaz asked when she was done.

“Let’s just do it.”

Maisie looked frightened as she followed Yaz into the bedroom. Yaz sat her down on a chair opposite the bed and she sat down on the bed beside the Doctor. Maisie was refusing to look at either of them though she had bene able to hear her chatting happily to Najia in the kitchen.

“Maisie you don’t need to look scared but we do need to talk about what happened yesterday.”

Maisie didn’t say anything and continued to stare at the floor.

“Are you gonna hit me?” she whispered finally. “It’s okay I can take it. My daddy used to do it all the time.”

“No. Maisie no. Absolutely not. Jane and I would never hit anybody and definitely not a child. We sort out our problems with our words.”

“Oh.” Maisie said quietly. But her body was no less tense.

“Maisie do you know why I use a wheelchair?” the Doctor asked her.

“Cause you can't walk.”

The Doctor stifled a smirk at the short, blunt answer delivered with a hint of a ‘well duh’ kind of attitude.

“Yeah… do you know why?”

“Cause you’ve only got one leg.”

More attitude, the sort that Maisie often had which was reassuring to hear. Especially because Yaz had told her that Maisie had been up most of the night convinced that she had murdered the Doctor and was going to spend the rest of her life in prison.

“Sort of but not really. I got hurt which is why my leg got taken away, I was sick and it was making me sicker and taking my leg away made me better. But then I got sick again and this time the sick wasn’t in my leg, it was in my brain. I couldn’t walk or talk or sit up or do anything to look after myself, a bit like a baby can't do those things. Do you remember that? You came to visit me with Jennifer?”

Maisie nodded slowly. “That was a long time ago.”

The Doctor smiled, six months was a drop in an ocean for her but for ten year old Maisie it was an eternity.

“You’re right it was a long time ago. I was very very sick Maisie. Yaz has had to look after me lots and she’s had to teach me how to do things for myself again. I couldn’t do anything for myself, not even sit in my wheelchair and I had to use that one. It was very scary. Do you understand?”

Maisie nodded. She still wasn’t looking at either of them.

“What happened yesterday, when we got back from the shop?” Yaz asked her.

Maisie took a long time to answer. “Jane got sick” she said finally.

“Yeah she did. Can you tell me about what happened?”

Maisie started to cry but didn’t answer.

“Maisie, Jane and I have both asked you lots of times not to jump on her. It hurts her and it’s dangerous because her wheelchair could fall over which is what’s happened now.”

Big tears dripped down Maisie’s cheeks.

“Jane is badly hurt Maisie. She has hurt her head, dislocated her shoulder and broken her collarbone which hurts a lot. That means she can't do things by herself until they get better which will take until your birthday and it’s made extra hard because she can't walk. She won't be able to push her wheelchair or get out of bed or shower or go to the toilet or eat without help or stay in the house on her own when I go to work and her wheelchair is broken which means she has to use the other one or stay in bed.”

The Doctor interjected. “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me but I am hurt.”

Maisie finally spoke again. “Are you gonna make me go live with my dad again? I will if you want.”

“Maisie listen to me carefully. It is very important that you understand this. You will never, ever have to live with your dad again. If you want to see him you can decide that when you're a grown-up but you don’t ever have to see him again if you don’t want to. You are going to stay here until Saturday just like we had planned and then you will go home to Carole and Paul but while you're here we won't be able to go out lots of places like we had planned. Jane needs lots of rest to get better and lots of help to do things.”

Maisie nodded, accepting it without complaint.

“Does that mean Lily can't come for our sleepover on Friday night?” she asked a moment later. “It was going to be my first sleepover ever.”

Yaz and the Doctor shared a glance. It wasn’t something they had considered.

“Jane and I will talk about it neared the time and let you know what we decide.” Yaz said firmly. 

“I'm sorry Jane” Maisie whispered.

“I know you are sweetheart but saying sorry this time isn’t going to make it better.”

Maisie sniffed. “I know.”

Yaz handed her some tissues.

“Can I give you a hug?”

“Thank-you for asking me first but I'm going to say no. My arm and head are very sore.”

“Okay” Maisie choked.

Yaz opened out her arms and Maisie went to her hesitantly. Yaz pulled her up onto her lap and held her close but Maisie remained stiff in her arms. Yaz held her for a few minutes until Maisie stopped crying.

“Let’s go and make you some lunch sweetheart.” Yaz offered and Maisie clambered off her lap. “What about you Doctor, are you coming down to the kitchen or do you want to rest?”

“I can't stay in bed forever.”

“Okay, can you sit?” Yaz asked her. The Doctor could go from lying to sitting now but it usually involved rolling and using both hands to lever herself upright.

“I don’t think so” she admitted.

Yaz pressed the control for the bed into her left hand. It had always been less dextrous than her right which was her dominant hand but also because of the thick scar tissue that marred it. She fumbled with it for a moment but managed to press the right button to both sit herself up and lower the bed. Sensibly, she waited for Yaz to swing her leg over the side of the bed.

“I think the best way to do this is to lean you forward so your left shoulder is against mine and I’ve got hold of the gait belt, is that okay?”

“Yeah, just do it.” the Doctor said, already bracing herself.

Yaz positioned her wheelchair and moved the waist strap out of the way, she didn’t need any of the others, it wasn’t like she’d lost her ability to sit. This was just until her own chair could be repaired.

The Doctor gave a low groan as Yaz transferred her. Although the Doctor was supporting herself with her leg to the best of her ability and Yaz was both experienced and very gentle, the movement jostled her painful shoulder badly. Yaz fastened the lap belt for her

Maisie stood on the far side of the room, watching what was happening fearfully and she followed Yaz, who was pushing the Doctor’s wheelchair, down the hall to the kitchen like a little ghost.

The week had not gone the way the Doctor and Yaz had planned it. Pain from her shoulder was stopping the Doctor from sleeping and combined with her sudden lack of ability to do anything for herself again meant that she was (understandably) grumpy, frustrated and irritable.

They had fallen back into a very similar routine to the one they had had as the Doctor had begun to recover from her brain infection though thankfully it wasn’t taking as long for them to do things as it had back then, nor was the Doctor needed five hour naps in the middle of the afternoon. Actually, she rarely napped in the afternoon now. Under Martha’s guidance they were doing a modified physio routine as well so she didn’t have to stop working out and it included some very gentle exercises for her injured arm and shoulder to stop them seizing up. When her sling came off the following week she would be able to resume light hydrotherapy and some standing too, as long as she didn’t use her walking frame. Luckily, when Yaz had had to work Najia and Ryan had been able to be at the house for which Yaz was very grateful.

Maisie had become very subdued. She was following Yaz around like a little shadow and refusing to be left alone in a room with the Doctor, or even talk to her really. She was nothing like her usual, overly enthusiastic self and instead far more like the little girl they had first met in the hospital and they were both extremely worried about her.

After much deliberation Yaz and the Doctor had decided to let her sleepover go ahead. Maisie had been as good as gold since the incident and it was important that she didn’t think they were seeking revenge. She hadn’t been over the door in days other than a brief trip to Tesco with Yaz (as she had refused to stay with the Doctor on her own). The not going out hadn’t been so much about punishment, it was more to do with Yaz being able to cope with the two of them as Maisie had a habit of running off when out in public if she got spooked and Yaz couldn’t chase her with the Doctor in her wheelchair unable to propel herself and the Doctor really being too uncomfortable to go out anyway.

So now, the day had arrived. Lily was a sweet girl who Yaz had met on a couple of occasions although she had never met the Doctor. She had problems of her own and like Maisie, was navigating her first real friendship with a peer of her own age. She had been diagnosed with a heart condition as a baby and although she was in good health, her parents were understandably anxious. She also had learning difficulties so she often worked with Maisie on different work to the rest of the class.

Yaz and the Doctor were standing outside the classroom waiting for the children to be released. They were no longer asked for ID having collected her for the last two days since half term had ended and they stood out in the teachers memory as the only gay couple amongst the assembled parents and well, the Doctor always stood out. To Yaz’s surprise, although the Doctor’s wheelchair had come back as good as new a few days earlier she had elected to keep using the Beast until she was able to push herself as she had found that its lack of back support meant sitting in it with a broken collarbone uncomfortable for any length of time.

Lily was a shy and nervous child and she came out with Maisie holding hands. Although Yaz knew Maisie would have told Lily about the Doctor, Lily still gaped at her in surprise and didn’t manage a hello to her or Yaz. She normally went to after school club so she hadn’t even seen the Doctor while she left school.

On the plus side, conversely Lily’s nervousness seemed to have awoken Maisie a little again and, as she walked, still holding Lily’s hand in front of the Doctor who was being pushed by Yaz to the car, she explained to Lily all about the Doctor.

“That’s just Jane. She looks funny because she gotted hurt by bad people a long time ago and then her brain got sick but Yaz looks after her. Sometimes she talks funny too. She has another wheelchair which is blue and really cool but she cant use it right now cause she hurted her arm. She’s nice though, you can still tell her stuff and she listens.”

The Doctor listened to Maisie ramble with relief and noted that Maisie hadn’t mentioned how she had hurt her arm.

At the car, Yaz made sure both girls were secured into the back seat before she transferred the Doctor into the front and Lily watched with interest though Maisie had seen it all before.

“Jane can’t walk. She used to be able to lift herself up with her hands but she can’t because her arm is sore so Yaz lifts her instead. Yaz is super strong.”

“They have a ramp because Jane’s wheelchair can’t go up stairs.”

“Girls go upstairs and change out of your school uniforms okay?” Yaz instructed as soon as they got home. “Lily you put yours in your bag and Maisie bring yours down here so I can wash it before Carole gets here tomorrow.”

The girls did as they were told and by the time they got back downstairs Yaz had prepared a snack for them on the kitchen table. Lily still hadn’t said anything other than her squash preference which was lemon and she ate and drank quietly.

“Yaz” asked Maisie when the girls had eaten their toast. “Can we play a game of Snakes and Ladders?”

It was a mark of how deprived Maisie’s childhood had been when Najia had introduced her to the game for the first time a few days ago.

“Of course you can love. You don’t have to ask, you know where it is. Why don’t you set it up on the coffee table in the living room.”

“Will you play with us?” Maisie asked hopefully.

“I have to make the dinner sweetheart but I bet Jane will play with you.”

“Of course I will” the Doctor answered cheerfully. Her hand automatically went to push herself away from the table but of course, in the Beast with its four small wheels she couldn’t do that.

“I can push you” Maisie offered in a tiny, shy voice. It was the first thing she had said to the Doctor since her fall.

The Doctor glanced at Yaz who returned the look, silently signalling that it was her decision.

“That’s very kind of you Maisie. That would be really helpful. And thankyou for checking before you touched my chair.” Apparently some of what they had said to Maisie had finally sunk in.

“You have to ask Jane before you touch her wheelchair because only she’s allowed to touch it… and Yaz.” Maisie explained to Lily.

Yaz smiled at that comment as she followed them out of the room. The Beast was huge and Maisie couldn’t actually see over the top of it so was poking her head out to the side as she steered carefully. Although the chair was heavy, the Doctor wasn’t and it rolled smoothly across the floor. They had deliberately placed the furniture so there would be as few obstacles as possible and Maisie steered the Doctor to the coffee table without incident. Yaz helped her out of the chair so she could sit on the floor and made sure she was supported by the sofa with a cushion beside her shoulder.

“You okay?” Yaz checked in with her.

“Yeah fine.” The Doctor reassured her as Maisie set up the boardgame. “Have you played Snakes and Ladders before?” she asked Lily who was looking worried.

Lily nodded uncertainly. “It has lots of numbers” she whispered.

“That’s okay” the Doctor told her, mindful of Lily’s learning difficulties as she didn’t know how severe they were. Maisie certainly couldn’t recognise all the numbers to 100 yet. “If you get confused I’ll be able to help you.”

Without being asked, Maisie pushed the coffee table closer to the Doctor so she could reach it and then handed Lily the dice.

“You can go first.” She said sweetly and Lily took the dice. Her little face was a picture when she rolled a six and got a double go. The game passed pleasantly and by the time they had finished, Yaz had arrived back in the living room. The dinner was in the oven and she agreed to join them for a second game.

Maisie had requested the potato smiley faces and turkey dinosaurs Yaz had purchased before she had arrived for dinner and it was easily cooked though she had done some proper chicken for herself as she couldn’t stand the processed stuff. Unsurprisingly the Doctor had been happy with the dinosaurs.

The games also seemed to have thawed Lily’s nerves and she chatted pleasantly at dinner although it was clear she didn’t really know what to make of the Doctor. When they had eaten, as a special treat Yaz let the girls decorate a bowl of ice cream each with sauce and sprinkles and sweets and take it into the living room in their pyjamas. They wrapped themselves up in a blanket and put on Moana while Yaz went back into the kitchen. Unsurprisingly, the Doctor wanted an enormous bowl of ice-cream with all available toppings and although Yaz followed her instructions to make it, it was probably half the size of what she would have made for herself had she been able to.

When the film was over, Yaz took the two girls to the ensuite bathroom to get ready for bed. They were going to be sharing the double bed in the room next to Yaz and the Doctor’s. Lily needed supplemental oxygen at night and the only reason her parents had agreed to let her come was because Yaz had experience of it. Lily also had a complicated list of medications that had to be taken morning and evening but her mum had written a comprehensive set of instructions that were easy to follow and at nearly eleven years old, Lily knew what to do herself anyway. She set up the oxygen herself which Yaz double checked just to be sure and put the mask on her face before she climbed into bed. Maisie, who had seen the Doctor wearing hers just a few days before wasn’t particularly surprised or bothered by its sudden appearance as she snuggled into bed with Honey, the bear Yaz and the Doctor had brought her when they had first visited her in the hospital.

Yaz brought the Doctor down to the bedroom to say goodnight. Yaz kissed both girls but the Doctor refrained, Maisie had only just started to speak to her again a few hours ago and Lily was wary of the her so she didn’t crowd either girl and simply wished them a goodnight from the end of the bed.

“Is it ridiculous if we go to bed too?” the Doctor asked with a yawn.

“Course not. I have a few things I have to log for work but I can take you first. I don’t want to go until I know they’re both asleep anyway.”

“I can stay up with you” the Doctor said immediately.

“It’s fine love. What I’m doing is confidential anyway and there’s no point in you just sitting watching me type. Get into bed and read your book if you want to wait for me.”

The Doctor agreed to that and Yaz began the complicated process of getting her out of her wheelchair, into bed and changed into pyjamas while trying to jostle her shoulder as little as possible. They were getting better at it though and the Doctor’s shoulder was bothering her a little less now anyway as it was well into the healing process.

“Between you and your arm, Maisie and her nightmares and Lily and her heart problem, I feel like I’m a nurse on a hospital ward” Yaz joked as she rolled the Doctor carefully to get into her pyjamas. “And don’t start apologising for stuff you have no control over again” Yaz warned her as the Doctor opened her mouth to do just that.

Yaz left her propped on one side, facing away from the door and her book open, resting on the bed and held open with her left wrist before she left to do some work, promising that she would be no more than an hour and a half.

The Doctor was therefore very surprised when the bedroom door opened and there was a soft sound behind her.

“Yaz?” she asked nervously. It didn’t sound like Yaz but she was wedged into position with cushions to stop her accidentally rolling on her shoulder during the night and she couldn’t turn round to see what the noise was. To her relief, Maisie shuffled into her field of view a few moments later. She was crying.

“Maisie sweetheart, what’s the matter?”

Maisie cried harder.

“Maisie, come here love.”

Maisie shuffled closer, Honey clutched in her hand and she climbed onto the bed beside the Doctor. It was still raised to the height Yaz liked to work at and she scrambled for a moment on the soft duvet. The Doctor pushed her book out of the way and held out her uninjured left arm which was in contact with the bed.

“Do you want a hug?” she offered.

Maisie shook her head. “I don’t wanna hurt you again” she sniffed.

“You won’t if you’re gentle. Come her love.”

Maisie shuffled closer and at the Doctor’s insistence, lay down. Using her left arm, the Doctor pulled Maisie in closer so she was resting against the sling but as long as she didn’t start wriggling and pulling at it, it was more discomfort than pain.

“I’m sorry Jane” Maisie cried.

“What for sweetheart?” asked the Doctor, confused.

“I jumped on you and you got hurt and it’s all my fault. I thought you were going to die and it would be all my fault and I would have to go to jail”. She was sobbing now, and her tiny body juddered as the Doctor held her as close as she could manage.

“Oh sweetheart, I know it was an accident. And you already said sorry. And I’m not going to die. I broke this bone right here” she knobbled Maisie’s collar bone lightly. “It’s very sore but people don’t die from broken collar bones.”

“You nearly died before when your leg got broken. That’s why it got cutted off.” Maisie pointed out.

“Who told you that?”

“Ryan. I asked him.”

“That is true Maisie. But I had what was called an infection because my broken leg had a big cut on it (she neglected to point out that her shin bone had been poking through it) and it got very unclean. My broken collar bone is nothing like that. It’s clean and in a straight line and is healing already. I promise.”

“Will you have to get your arm cutted off?”

“No sweetheart. I wont, I promise I’m going to be just fine.”

“Then why do you keep using your big wheelchair. I don’t like it, it’s scary. It makes you look really sick and I thought you were going to have your arm cutted off and then die.” Maisie wailed, upsetting herself all over again.

“I’ve been using it because it’s more comfortable for my shoulder. That’s the only reason, I promise. Is that why you wouldn’t talk to me?”

Maisie nodded.

“Maisie I’m going to tell you something and it’s very important that you listen to me okay.”

Maisie nodded again.

“No matter what has happened. Even if it’s a really big secret or you think it’s something really bad, you can always come and tell me and Yaz about it and we’ll help you okay? No matter what, even when you’re a big girl.”

“Okay” Maisie whispered.

“I love you Maisie.”

“I love you too” Maisie replied softly and she clutched the Doctor’s good hand with one of her own, the other clamping Honey tightly to her chest as she drifted off.


	84. Chapter 84

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some hurt, mostly comfort.

“How’s your shoulder?” Jennifer asked the Doctor. “You seem to have the worst luck.”

The Doctor laughed. “I know but that one was on Maisie, not me. I’m okay, it’s healing but it’s pretty stiff... Yaz won’t let me do anything.” She added with a dramatic eye roll.

“Yaz will let you do plenty” Yaz called back from the kitchen where she was stirring a pot. “But if I let you do whatever you want, you will over work it and end up with it back in a sling and some sort of permanent injury and then there where will you be? I thought you were going to rebreak your clavicle last night when you were moving that chair.”

The Doctor rolled her eyes again good naturedly. Yaz’s tone was light and unaccusing but she was also right.

It was two weeks since her accident as she referred to it. The cut on her head had healed and to their relief, the concussion hadn’t lingered or left any new brain deficits. Her shoulder was stiff and painful but healing, much faster than it would have for Yaz but still far to slow for the Doctor’s liking. She had dispensed with the sling during the day and was able to propel her own wheelchair, albeit slowly and painfully, around the house although Yaz wouldn’t let her even attempt the ramps at the front and back door or transfer on her own.

Jennifer got up to wash her hands and borrowed some cleaning spray and kitchen roll from Yaz to wipe down the table.

“Please don’t be offended” she said as she scrubbed the glass table top. “I know you keep your home clean but feeding Lucy needs to be sterile. She’s already got a bit of an infection going on around her stoma.”

“Don’t apologise” the Doctor spoke up. “Believe me, we get it.”

When the table was cleaned to her satisfaction, Jennifer twirled Lucy’s chair around so she was facing her. She lifted Lucy’s baggy jumper and the Doctor could see what she meant. The plug that went into Lucy’s stomach for her to receive nutrition was bright red and weeping. Jennifer snapped on a pair of sterile gloves and carefully cleaned the area before she fed Lucy, putting the used supplies into a bag. Lucy didn’t enjoy the procedure at all and cried pitifully, Jennifer tried to soothe her by singing to her which worked to an extent. When she was done, she opened the plug and inserted the tube that connected to a syringe. Jennifer slowly poured the nutrition into Lucy’s stomach and followed it up with a glass of water, reinserted the plug and pulled down her jumper.

“All done sweetheart, all done.” She soothed and handed Lucy a small teddy from the bag on the back of her chair. Lucy’s hands were clamped into tight fists, much tighter and more painful than the Doctor’s had ever been, even at their worst, and Jennifer carefully prised open Lucy’s fingers so she could hold the bear.

As Jennifer finished caring for Lucy, she disposed of the rubbish Yaz put the final preparations on the dinner while the Doctor began to set the table. Although her shoulder was stiff and sore, she moved easily across the smooth floor as she collected cutlery and glasses, balancing them carefully on her lap.

Jennifer moved another one of the chairs from the table, having picked up on when Yaz said that the Doctor really shouldn’t be doing that, seeing as Lucy was in the Doctor’s spot and the Doctor parked her chair carefully beside Lucy’s as Yaz put steaming bowls of a vegetarian curry and rice on the table. Yaz invited Jennifer to help herself and then served up her own and the Doctor’s into a bowl. Thankfully, when Yaz had prepared the vegetables she had cut them into bite size pieces and the sauce was thick and sticky so the Doctor was able to manage with just her left hand. While Jennifer probably wouldn’t have batted an eyelid, the Doctor had no desire to be watched being fed. Of all the things Yaz did for her on occasion, it was one of the most humiliating. Up there with the fact that she knew Yaz had to clean her and change her into fresh clothes after each seizure even if she didn’t remember it though she wasn’t sure why exactly. And when Najia had had to help her with a bowl of soup a few days after her accident… her face burned just at the memory though Najia hadn’t seemed the least bit bothered.

Jennifer was always good company and Yaz wondered how she did it. She was warm, caring and had a knack of making anyone she was talking to feel special and heard. She never said a word about her own problems though Yaz knew her divorce had just come through and caring for Lucy full time must be exhausting and a constant worry. Yaz didn’t know how she did it, caring for Lucy would be so much more involved and demanding than caring for the Doctor had ever been but she never let the strain show where as Yaz felt like she never quite managed to stop thinking of and worrying about her own caring responsibilities.

But Jennifer’s visit wasn’t purely social. Maisie’s trial began the next morning and Yaz was a key witness. Vera had been helping her prepare but had now taken a leave of absence so Jennifer had taken over, adding it to her own list of duties without a murmur. Yaz was highly stressed about it and Jennifer had offered to come over and prep her with practice questions on the proviso that Yaz made dinner.

With the plates clear, Yaz had made good on her end of the deal. The Doctor offered to do the dishes and keep Lucy company while Yaz and Jennifer went into the office. The Doctor had already decided she didn’t need to hear it. Maisie had disclosed a few things and in the greater scheme of what the little girl had been through they had been minor but she had found them very triggering to listen to and on one occasion had had to leave Maisie with Yaz. By the time Yaz had been able to leave Maisie, the Doctor had been a total wreck on the floor, jerking and crying her way through a flashback.

Yaz showed Jennifer through to the study and, unsurprisingly, Lucy burst into tears as soon as her mum was no longer in sight. Because of her very high level of needs and total dependence on the ventilator tube snaking its way out of her neck, Lucy’s wheelchair was huge, even bigger than The Beast. She was also sat much higher up and Jennifer kept her chair always slightly reclined when she wasn’t in the car. Lucy was still sat at the table facing the wall where as the Doctor was in the main kitchen behind her so she came up close and managed to undo the breaks on Lucy’s wheelchair and spin it around so she could see she wasn’t alone.

“There you are Lucy, does that help?” the Doctor chatted. “Your mums just helping Yaz, she’ll be back soon.” She rubbed Lucy’s hands which were flailing stiffly but she kept crying.

The Doctor remembered Jennifer mentioning how Lucy responded to music and she wheeled over to the radio which Yaz listened to when she was cooking. She twisted the knob on the front until a piece of classical music started to come through the speakers. The effect was almost instantaneous as the soothing music filled the room and Lucy gurgled contentedly. The Doctor lifted a soft cloth from the back of Lucy’s chair, reached up and wiped her teary and slightly dribbly face, storing the cloth in the bag. With the music playing Lucy seemed much more content and the Doctor got on with tidying the kitchen. Even with her painful shoulder the kitchen was easy for her to navigate in her wheelchair and she was able to wash the dishes in the lower of the two sinks before loading them into the dishwasher. When Yaz had set up the kitchen the things they used most often were on the lower shelves in the wall cabinets so she could reach them, albeit with a twinge to her shoulder.

By the time she was done, Lucy was half asleep. The Doctor honestly wished she could join her, she wanted nothing more to sit on the sofa or propped up in bed with her book and ideally Yaz but that wasn’t going to happen. Instead she compromised by unplugging the radio and taking it into the living room before coming back for Lucy. Pushing Lucy’s large chair while being sat in her own proved to be a difficult task. She briefly considered the possibility of leaning on Lucy’s chair as a walker which might have worked but she hadn’t attempted walking without help, she wasn’t allowed to use her walking frame for another week at least, once she got to the living room she would be stuck and, probably the biggest obstacle, Yaz would be really annoyed at her for taking such a stupid risk. And if she fell, Yaz would definitely say ‘I told you so’. Even though Lucy’s chair was heavier than her own, once she got her moving it wasn’t too bad and she kept it slow so they didn’t crash into the walls as they navigated the corners. She parked Lucy’s chair beside the sofa and her own opposite.

By the time she had Lucy sorted the Doctor was exhausted and aching. She collected her book and sling from the bedroom and, ignoring Martha’s instructions she transferred over to the sofa. She was able to put most of her weight through her leg and left arm, only using her right for balance though she knew there was no way she was getting out of the low, soft sofa without Yaz’s help. With her foot propped up on her wheelchair and a few cushions behind her back and supporting her right arm in it’s sling she felt slightly better. With the music playing softly again Lucy gradually quietened down. She had been making lots of noises and as she fell asleep the Doctor settled in with her book. She had read it before and it sparked a memory of sitting in her office at St Luke’s University waiting for Bill who, as she always was, had been bang on time.

“Thought you weren’t supposed to be transferring?” came a voice, startling the Doctor from her book so much that she dropped it on the floor. Jennifer appeared in front of her and picked up the book, handing it back.

“I’m not, but I needed out of my wheelchair for a while” she explained. “Don’t tell Yaz.”

Jennifer snorted. “Somehow I think she’ll notice unless you transfer back in the next two minutes. She’s just gathering up her paperwork for tomorrow.”

“I’m stuck” the Doctor admitted ruefully.

“Do you want a hand?” Jennifer offered.

The Doctor glanced over her shoulder. “Yeah, if you wouldn’t mind. Do you know how to…”

“Yes of course, I transfer Lucy every day though you can hold yourself up better than she can.”

The Doctor had only been transferred by someone other than Yaz or Ryan once, by Arthur, who had helped Yaz lift her into a car. He hadn’t been able to hold and support her properly he was so nervous, and she had felt in real danger of being dropped. Jennifer on the other hand knew exactly what she was doing as she easily gripped the Doctor around the waist and transferred her confidently into her chair while remaining mindful of the Doctor’s broken collar bone.

“Has Lucy been asleep long?” Jennifer asked as the Doctor adjusted herself slightly in her chair and settled her foot on the plate.

“Little over an hour or so” the Doctor told her, checking the clock on the mantlepiece. “Or at least that’s when she stopped chatting. She was upset when you went off with Yaz but the radio helped, I remember you said how much she likes classical music when you went to the zoo.”

Jennifer smiled, almost wistful. “Yeah, that’s one part of her that’s remained intact despite the brain injuries.” She stroked Lucy’s hair affectionately. “Lucy was a violinist before her accident, she was incredibly good. Had a scholarship to the Royal Academy of Music for when she finished school. Instead, she spent more than a year in hospital where we never even managed our goal of getting her off her ventilator. But she’s always loved her music, especially…”

Jennifer was interrupted when an alarm sounded out of nowhere and Jennifer immediately sprang into action as she assessed the situation. Yaz came running in, just as Jennifer was disconnection the ventilatior tube from the port in Lucy’s neck and was attaching an AmbuBag before taking over manually breathing for her daughter. The Doctor watched in horror, Lucy had been completely fine all evening and all of a sudden not even her machine could breathe for her.

“What can I do?” Yaz asked.

“Can you do this? She needs suctioned, I have the machine in my car.”

“Of course but I’ve never done it before.”

“It’s easy” Jennifer reassured her. Her face was eerily calm. “Take the bag and it’s one, two, squeeze. You need to squeeze the bag fully each time and don’t stop because it’s literally the only thing keeping her alive right now.”

Yaz stepped up and took the bag from Jennifer. Her body language didn’t betray how nervous she was feeling and Jennifer watched for a moment to make sure she was alright.

“I’ll be right back” Jennifer promised. “Don’t stop.”

She was already fishing her car keys out of her pocket as she raced out to her car and the front door banged behind her.

She was very quick but she rushed into the kitchen where she washed her hands before reappearing in the living room with a heavy looking box.

“Keep going Yaz.” She instructed as she opened the box and started setting up what the Doctor assumed was a suctioning machine. It had long tubes and when she plugged it in it made a low, deep rattling sound which mixed unpleasantly with the blaring of the shrill alarm that was still going on.

“Yaz when I say so, you’re going to move the bag. I’m going to stick this tube down through her tracheotomy. Keep hold of the bag, I’ll be about thirty seconds and you need to be ready to reconnect the bag back up, understand?”

“Yes, I’m ready.”

The Doctor watched, feeling horrifically useless as, under Jennifer’s instruction, Yaz stopped breathing for Lucy and Jennifer stuck an incredibly long tube into Lucy’s chest which soon had thick greenish white gunk rattling up it and into a chamber. They repeated the process seven times before Jennifer was satisfied and Yaz gave Lucy another couple of breaths with the Ambu Bag before Jennifer reconnected the ventilator tube and double and then triple checked it to make sure it was functioning properly before she stepped back and silenced the alarm. Lucy was agitated but Jennifer was able to calm her quite quickly, she wouldn’t have understood what was happening, and, unbelievably, as soon as she was calm she went back to sleep.

“Are you alright?” the Doctor asked as Jennifer stepped away from Lucy and subtly wiped her eyes.

“Oh ignore me, I’m fine.” She sniffed and flashed the Doctor the gentle, easy smile she always had.

She clearly was not alright but the Doctor had no idea what to do about it. Human emotions were so complicated, especially with people she didn’t know as well. This body, more than any of her other bodies, could understand and empathise with Jennifer but it didn’t know how to express it and she quite often came across as cold and uncaring. It was something she really hated about this body. She had no idea what it was that had just happened but it hadn’t been something good.

“You’re not fine Jennifer.” Yaz had her arm resting on Jennifer’s. “Come and have a cup of tea.”

“It’s late, you have court…”

“Lucy’s fine now and you can't drive like this.”

The fact that Jennifer was Yaz’s boss didn’t seem to matter as Yaz wrapped an arm around her and steered her towards the sofa. The Doctor dithered anxiously, was she supposed to be following? But Yaz looked back and jerked her head and the Doctor knew she should. Yaz gently deposited Jennifer at the two seater and pressed a mug of tea with plenty of sugar in and a tissue into her hands.

“What just happened?” the Doctor asked, parking her wheelchair at the kitchen table.

“There’s too much mucus in her lungs. Lucy doesn’t have control over the muscles in her chest so she can’t cough on her own and it can become infected. It’s happening more and more, she’s been in hospital three times with pneumonia in as many months. What kind of mother am I when I can't even keep her out of hospital?”

The Doctor nudged the box of tissues across the coffee table to Jennifer who took one. Yaz had a comforting hand on Jennifer’s arm as she spoke to her.

“You’re not a terrible mother Jennifer. You are so dedicated to Lucy, most people would have deposited someone with her needs in a nursing home to visit once a week. She’s happy and she’s safe and she’s always got you.”

“My divorce to her dad came through a few weeks ago. He’s already cleared off to France to be with his girlfriend and they’re getting married next month. He’s never coped well since her injury, but I can't believe he’s actually left her.”

The Doctor was very glad Yaz was there because she knew she would have no idea what to say to Jennifer. 

“Do you have anyone else who can help you?”

Jennifer shook her head. “I have a sister, but I wouldn’t trust her to look after a hamster let alone Lucy and my parents died when I was a teenager.”

“What about her care package?” Yaz asked. “I thought she was entitled to twenty four hour care?”

“She is but the agencies are really unreliable. They let me down all the time.”

“You know if there’s anything I can do to help you I will” Yaz offered generously, a sentiment which the Doctor repeated.

“I just don’t know if I can do it by myself” Jennifer admitted, still crying. “She’s my baby and I love her so much but it’s so hard and I’m not getting any younger. Sometimes I wonder if she would be better in some sort of long term care facility but I just don’t think I can do that to her.”

“At the end of the day you have to do what is right for you and Lucy.” Yaz told her. “Caring for someone you love full time is so exhausting and only people who’ve done it understand the mental and physical strain. You never switch off, not even for a second.”

The Doctor blushed and stared at her lap. Lucy sighed and Jennifer glanced up anxiously but she settled again quickly.

“I’m sorry Yaz, this is so unprofessional of me. I’m your boss.”

“You’re also sitting in my living room after I made dinner. Right now you’re my friend. And I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve cried all over you since I started working for you.”

“Even so, I should go. I’m so sorry.” Jennifer choked out, standing abruptly. 

Yaz stood in front of her and wrapped her arms around her tightly. “You know you’re always welcome here Jennifer for a chat or a drink or a moan.”

“Thanks Yaz. I’ll see you in the morning at the court house.”

Yaz carried out the suction machine and by the time she came back inside the Doctor had had a quick tidy up of their mugs and had already headed down to their bedroom.

“Well at least you waited for help before transferring this time.” Yaz said drily, following her in.

“How could you possibly know about that? Did Jennifer tell tales?”

“What are you, four? No, she didn’t tell tales. I’m a police officer, it’s my job to know when people are lying to me. And you my love have guilt written all over your face. Am I wrong?”

“No” she admitted.

“Just because I was talking to Jennifer doesn’t mean I didn’t have time to help you out if you needed it.” Yaz reminded her gently as she helped her transfer to the toilet and left her in peace.

“How much pain are you in?” Yaz asked when they were both snuggled under the covers twenty minutes later. The Doctor was still wearing her sling for support which she had continued to do overnight. But Yaz also knew that if she asked the Doctor _if_ she was in pain, she would deny it, at least this way she was reasonably honest.

“Tolerable. Why?”

“Just fancied a cuddle is all.”

“I’m never in too much pain for a cuddle with you Yaz” she stated plainly, holding out her left arm to pull Yaz in close.

That was distinctly not true and Yaz closed her eyes against the memories of times when the Doctor had been so desperately ill with the brain infection, whenever she had had a few moments of semi-consciousness and someone had touched her she had screamed in pain. She hadn’t even been able to tolerate clothes. Yaz had been sure she wouldn’t make it and so frightened that she wouldn’t get to hold her one last time.

“Yaz, y’alright?”

“Yeah I’m fine” Yaz settled against the Doctor, relaxing into the embrace, careful not to knock her too much.

“You were amazing tonight Yaz. The way you were helping Lucy and Jennifer. I was so impressed.”

“All I did was squeeze a bag and give a friend a hug.”

“It was so much more than that” the Doctor argued. “Most people freeze in those situations. You’ve never used an Ambu Bag before and you were literally holding Lucy’s life in your hands but you didn’t even flinch.”

“I’m trained for those moments. And if I reacted the same way Ryan or Graham did to life threatening situations, you’d probably be dead.”

“I know.”

“When you turned up in the garden Graham tried to call you an ambulance and Ryan threw up.”

“I know.” She repeated.

“Ryan’s a bit better now but he still freaks every time you have a seizure in front of him. He won’t watch you know. He finds some excuse and disappears. Some day you’ll have one when it’s just the two of you so I hope he knows what he’s doing. And Graham just isn’t cut out for it at all. I just… I dunno I’ve just always been able to keep my head.”

“Well I’m very glad you can. I can hear you talking to me you know. When I have a seizure I mean. You’re always so calm.”

“I thought you didn’t remember them?” Yaz asked curiously.

“I don’t, it’s more of an impression than anything but your tone of voice makes me feel calm and safe and when I come round again I still feel like that. The couple I’ve had when you haven’t been there, I’ve woken up so much more afraid and disoriented.”

“You know I’ll always do everything I can to keep you safe.”

“I know. And me you too… Yaz, what you and Jennifer said about how hard it is being a carer… tell me about it.”

“You’ve lived through it.”

“Yeah but from my perspective, not yours.”

“I don’t want you to be upset.”

“Whether or not you say it, nothing changes. I just want to understand more.”

Yaz took a deep breath, contemplating her words carefully. “At the start it was like having a new born. Jennifer and Lucy are still in that stage and always will be. But with a new born you know they’re going to grow up. And they’re small and easy to carry and move and you can be confident that you probably won’t screw things up too much because they won’t remember it. But when you’re caring for an adult in that way, who’s mentally fully functioning but can't walk or talk or feed themselves… for weeks it felt like we were in a cycle of crying, trying to get you to eat and drink, crying, personal care, crying, sleeping and crying. And that was both of us. You were so sick and I was so scared you were just going to stop breathing. Or you’d have another seizure and I was so tired I would sleep through it and you’d choke on your own saliva or something. I know how much pain you were in back then and I know I only made it worse but it was so hard to watch you like that…”

“Yaz I…”

But Yaz wasn’t finished.

“…And then thankfully we moved away from the new born stage to the toddler stage where you started to want to do stuff for yourself but I was so frightened you were going to fall or get hurt and watching you struggle to feed yourself or dress yourself or learn to sit and speak again was one of the hardest things I’ve ever hard to do. Or even worse, when had to make you do it. Every time you cried or screamed because you couldn’t do something or because I made you do therapy when you didn’t want to but I knew if I didn’t it would only make things worse, it was like the sound was tearing a hole through my heart.”

“And now?”

Yaz shrugged. “You’re figuring out your limits. You want to do stuff on your own. I have to let you make your own terrible decisions and live with the consequences… like transfer yourself to the sofa with a broken collar bone eleven days post injury even when you’ve been told not to. But at the end of the day, I’m still always gonna be right here for you because I love you and I am so incredibly proud of how hard you’ve worked to get yourself this far.”

“I’ve worked? You’ve done most of it Yaz.”

“All I did was love you. You did the rest.”

“Please don’t belittle what you’ve done Yaz. If you’d told me to clear out long ago no one would have blamed you or thought it unreasonable. You turned your life upside down for me and I was so awful to you.”

“You weren’t well.”

“Yaz?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think I ever will be?”

“Be what?”

“Well.”

Yaz shifted in the Doctor’s arms so she could look at her.

“I suppose it depends on your definition. You have significant brain damage, it isn’t going to go away no matter how much therapy we do. But that doesn’t mean we can't still work to ease its impact a little more. I think if we were able to minimise the impact of your seizures and help you manage them better rather than me managing them for you it would have a big impact on your quality of life. And you would find just the different activities that we complete in a day easier if we could improve your executive functioning and planning skills… but I also think you’re not really dealing with your PTSD anymore. You got sick and it went on the back burner while we saved your life and you relearned basic skills but you’re more reclusive than ever so it doesn’t seem as bad as it was, but only because you’re avoiding the situations that triggered you most often. And to an extent, avoidance is good because it means you know your limits but also means you’re not dealing with the root of the problem.”

“Have you been taking lessons from your therapist?” the Doctor deflected.

“No. I was always this wise.” Yaz quipped.

“Yaz?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t think I’m going to be able to walk. Not on my own.” She whispered. She sounded like she was on the verge of tears.

“I know.” Yaz stroked the Doctor’s cheek lightly with her thumb. “I think we’ll get you to where you can manage your crutches again if we can keep up the progress with your hands but… I think you’ll probably always need a crutch or a stick for support. Maybe you’ll manage a few steps without maybe you won’t. And just so we’re crystal clear on this Doctor, I love you just the same whether you’re in a wheelchair or walking. It doesn’t make any difference to me. If you get to the point where you think walking is just too much and not worth it then that’s fine with me. But if you want to keep trying to see how far you can go then you know I’ll help you in any way that I can.”

“I know. I want to keep trying for a little longer though. I can't just give up on walking, its only been a few months even if Time Lords are supposed to heal faster.”

“But you’re not healing as fast as you did. When you broke your ankle when we were running from that When you broke your ankle when we were running from that werewolf zombie alien thing a few years ago it was completely healed in two days like it had never happened. Your collarbone is healing but it’s still broken.”

“Yeah. More wonderful side effects of brain damage. We can add it to the list along with the seizures, inability to walk, inability to plan, unable to use my hands, ataxia, I can barely talk, panic attacks and anxiety, anger, I can’t put on weight, I keep losing it with sensory overload, I can't process new information properly…”

“Stop listing all the things you can't do. It isn’t productive. Nine months ago you were lying in bed in whatever position I had put you in. You couldn’t sit up or speak or use the toilet or eat. I was turning you every two hours to prevent pressure sores and you needed about sixteen hours of sleep a day. I thought you were going to die and when you didn’t I thought that us being able to lie here like this and have an actual conversation would never happen again. I know you’re not finished yet but don’t forget about what you’ve achieved love. You’re doing so incredibly well and you know I wouldn’t lie to you about something this important.”

The Doctor didn’t reply but she shifted a little closer to Yaz and rested her head against Yaz’s neck.

“I don’t think any less of you because you need help sometimes. I love you just the same, no matter what you can do for yourself. And if you always need help with some stuff then that’s okay.”

“I love you too, I am so lucky to have you and I think you’re so incredibly special.”

When the Doctor woke the next morning, Yaz wasn’t there which was unusual. She sat up slowly, ignoring how her shoulder twinged which was really only something else to add to her list of general aches and pains she put up with every day.

“Yaz?” she called, wondering where her girlfriend was.

Yaz appeared a moment later looking highly stressed. Her hair and makeup were done though she wasn’t dressed and the Doctor guiltily realised that that was her fault, Yaz wouldn’t want to risk her smart suit getting wrinkled during a transfer or wet helping her in the shower. Since they had moved, she had been able to do so much more for herself but until her shoulder healed she was, as Yaz put it, ‘on restricted duty’. Otherwise she could have got herself ready other than tying her scarf and fastening her bra. She had tried over the head sports bras but they were just too tight and painful against the scar tissue on her chest. But sitting in the house all day, she could have gone without them if she had to.

Yaz helped her transfer – out of bed to her wheelchair, wheelchair to toilet, toilet to wheelchair, wheelchair to shower, shower to wheelchair – and helped her dress quickly before carefully putting her shoulder through a series of gentle exercises. The rest of physiotherapy would have to wait for her to be finished for the day.

“I have to go, sorry to run out.” Yaz said as she fastened the buttons on her blouse.

“Go. You can't be late. I’ll see you this evening.”

“Don’t forget, Sonya will call in on her way to work to collect her coat that she left behind and Ryan is coming over to join you for lunch. Text if you need me. I love you.”

“I love you too Yaz. You’ll be amazing.”

The court case for Maisie lasted for four days.

Four days in which Yaz came home looking a little worse each day. She had point blank refused to talk about it, instead walking through the door with barely a hello and going straight to their bathroom where she spent an hour in the shower before reappearing in whatever comfies the Doctor had fished out for her and left on the bed.

But now it was over. Though even Maisie’s dad being found guilty hadn’t done much to raise a smile and she was sitting at the table poking listlessly at the dinner Graham and the Doctor had made that afternoon.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” the Doctor asked her gently.

Yaz shook her head, not even raising it to make eye contact.

“Is there anything I can do?”

Yaz shook her head again but she pushed her dinner away from her and walked out of the kitchen.

The Doctor sighed. The court case had been so hard on her, the Doctor suspected extra hard for her because they now had a personal relationship with Maisie who, mercifully, hadn’t had to testify and instead had given a videoed statement which had been played for the court. Her dad hadn’t been sentenced yet but it was only a matter of days and hopefully he would be in prison until she was an adult. Unfortunately that hadn’t answered the question of what would happen to Maisie. Carole and Paul had already decided they wouldn’t be able to look after Maisie long term and she was, sadly, considered too old and too damaged to be considered for adoption so her options were, if she was incredibly lucky a very special long term foster family might come forward or, more likely, a long term residential unit. She wouldn’t be kicked out of Carole and Paul’s just yet, but they had decided to move to Scotland to be nearer their children when Paul retired in about eight months time and Maisie couldn’t go with them. Which meant social services had eight months to find the right people for her to live with before her fate was almost certainly resigned to a children’s home. And if she was really unlucky she would be forced to move, potentially hundreds of miles away, if that was the only unit with space for her. If that happened, it would be much harder for them to keep in touch with her. The Doctor was trying not to think about it, if anything, having her stay for a week had shown them that at this point, they weren’t in any position to offer Maisie a more permanent solution although they were going to continue offering respite. Yaz was still doing too much care for her and while she could now stay at home for short periods on her own, she couldn’t be responsible for a child, especially one with Maisie’s needs, on her own. Not when she wasn’t able to get out and about on her own and her health, especially her seizures, was so unpredictable day to day. But she felt incredibly guilty about it.

The Doctor finished her meal and cleared the table but she carefully covered Yaz’s and put it in the fridge before going in search of her meal. She was easily found in the bedroom, curled up on her side, a pillow clamped tightly to her chest.

“Yaz?” the Doctor asked softly, announcing her presence.

Yaz at least made eye contact.

The Doctor wheeled into the room, stopping on Yaz’s side of the bed. Yaz watched her come and sighed softly when the Doctor placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Has something happened?”

“I just, did it make any difference? Is Maisie any better off now?”

“How can you even ask that Yaz? She was beaten and degraded by the one person in her life who was supposed to always love her and protect her. Of course she’s better off away from him.”

“She’s going to end up in a residential unit. Do you have any idea of the statistics of kids growing up in those? She’ll be exposed to drugs, crime, peer pressure to forget about any type of an education, staff that don’t give a shit and come and go so she’ll make no long term relationships. More than 90% of kids in those places have moderate to severe behavioural problems. I’ll probably end up having to arrest her at some point.”

“Yaz, none of this is your fault.”

“I know that, I just… it’s like her whole life from this point is mapped out. What kind of chance does she even have?”

“Can we do anything?”

“Not more than we already are. We just aren’t in a position to offer her a permanent home right now. Your health is too unstable; we wouldn’t even be considered by social services at the moment. Especially because my work can be unpredictable and I’m your main caregiver.”

“Then we just need to make sure she knows that she always has a bedroom here and keep somewhere safe for her to come for respite.”

“I know.” Yaz whispered.

“What do you need?”

“Can we go for a walk? I need to get out of my head.”

“We can, but you’ll have to push.”

“I know. I just need to not be here for a while.”

Being the end of September the weather was cold and damp and it was already dark outside. They both wrapped up well before stepping out into the cool night air.

Yaz was pushing the Doctor’s wheelchair and she was walking very fast along the concrete paths that were around where they lived. They had some pretty walks which they had begun to explore behind the house but they were through woods and rural paths which weren’t street lit.

The worst thing about having Yaz push her wheelchair for her was that she couldn’t see Yaz’s face and it wasn’t easy to hold a conversation either. But she could tell when Yaz started to calm as she gradually slowed from her power walking to a more reasonable pace and turned, rather than extending their walk choosing to head back home. The Doctor was relieved, a combination of the cold and the uneven footpaths meant that her shoulder was screaming in protest, sending waves of pain down her arm and back.

When they got in, both women were thoroughly chilled but Yaz seemed, if not happier, at least less agitated. She went into the kitchen to make them both a hot drink while the Doctor went straight down to their bedroom. She attempted to get dressed on her own but her shoulder was as painful tonight as it had been the night she had fallen so she contented herself with turning on the electric blanket and finding Yaz’s favourite pyjamas for her. Yaz appeared a few minutes later with two mugs of hot chocolate topped with marshmallows and a heat pack which she had warmed in the microwave. Yaz helped the Doctor get ready and into bed before handing her the heat pack wordlessly for her to rest on her shoulder.

“Thank-you for coming out with me.” She said quietly as they flicked on a film. “I didn’t mean to cause your shoulder more pain.”

“It’s fine.”

“It was selfish.”

“I wanted to do it. You needed some time out and if I could help in any way that I could. I always want to do that.” She held out her good arm and Yaz moved in closer, glad of the comfort.

A week later, the Doctor’s shoulder was almost healed. It was still stiff but it was now uncomfortable rather than outright painful and she was able to push her chair more efficiently again as well as manage her own transfers and self care. Which was good because they were invited to Maisie’s birthday party in the local bowling alley and then going to a pizza place in the same complex.

The Doctor had been mentally psyching herself up all week. She had been bowling once in the last few years but she had been walking on her own back then. But now it was a Sunday afternoon so both venues would be noisy and overwhelming and she had no intention of ruining the first birthday party Maisie had ever had by dissolving into a panic attack or worse, becoming so overwhelmed that she ended up having a seizure. Especially when she had only had one since the night she had had her accident which was the least she had had at all since she had fallen sick.

They had started the morning with a mammoth physio session which had included a long walk (by her current standards) up the corridor of the hotel where Najia worked. Unfortunately she had gotten to the end and realised she was stuck, too exhausted to walk back and too unstable for Yaz to leave standing there and Yaz had had to lower her to the floor while she went back for her wheelchair and then lift her into it. It therefore wasn’t surprising that she wasn’t quite at the point where she was confident enough to go out with her walking frame instead of her wheelchair though her strength, balance and stamina were all improving. But walking independently… as she shuffled along jerkily at a snails pace and in considerable pain, propped up by her walking frame and relying on Yaz to not let her fall… it felt like a pipe dream.

“You ready?” Yaz asked. They had arrived in the car park of the leisure complex where both the bowling alley and the pizza place were located.

“As I’ll ever be.” The Doctor replied though her palms were sweating and there was a familiar feeling of anxiety bubbling inside of her.

Yaz appeared at the passenger side of the car and snapped the wheels onto her chair for her. While she transferred across Yaz rummaged for Maisie’s gifts. Maisie didn’t have many people in her life, so even though it was nearly Christmas, they had bought her several small gifts and put them together in a hamper style. They were all designed to promote Maisie’s academic skills though she wouldn’t necessarily know that and included a series of books they thought she would like and someone could read to her, cute notebooks and a box of gel pens and a bead kit which they had chosen to promote her fine motor skills. They had wrapped everything in different coloured tissue paper and put it in a large cardboard box and wrapped it in coloured paper and done their best to make it look special. She was coming for a sleepover the following weekend, her first since the less than successful half term but it was the night of her actual birthday and they had wanted to gift it on the night.

As Yaz pulled open the door to the bowling alley, they were greeted by a wave of noise – pumping music, overexcited screaming children, arcade machines bleeping, general chatter and that was to say nothing of the dark atmosphere that was mostly lit by strobe lights and black lights. It was… a lot. The Doctor hesitated before wheeling slowly over the threshold, trying to concentrate on breathing.

“Jaaaane! Yaaaaz!” Maisie appeared from nowhere, running up to them excitedly.

Thankfully she seemed to have learned her lesson about just jumping on the Doctor but Yaz winced as she flung her arms around her anyway. The Doctor visibly stiffened at the contact and Yaz could see that she was struggling to maintain her composure. Just a few minutes in the bowling alley was already proving way too much for her and Yaz wasn’t entirely sure she’d make it through the evening.

“Maisie where’s my hug?” Yaz joked in an attempt to get Maisie away from the Doctor. Thankfully, Maisie was high on excitement and didn’t seem to notice how the Doctor’s head dropped into her hands as she struggled to remain in control.

Luckily, a moment later a distraction arrived in the form of Maisie’s friend Lily and Maisie bounded off to greet her happily.

Yaz crouched in front of the Doctor.

“How’re you doing?”

The Doctor didn’t answer, she was rubbing the heels of her hand into her thighs rhythmically. Not a promising sign.

“Doctor?” Yaz said a little louder.

When the Doctor still didn’t answer Yaz carefully reached out and laid her own hands on top of the Doctor’s. Predictably, the Doctor jumped violently at the contact but she finally managed to make eye contact with Yaz.

“How’re you doing?” Yaz repeated.

“I… ummmmm… I”

She swallowed reflexively as she struggled to put how she was feeling into words.

“Do you need to leave?”

“It’s Maisie’s birthday.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“No. Just… just give me a minute.”

But her breathing was picking up and Yaz was becoming increasingly concerned.

She squeezed the Doctor’s hands tightly.

“Just concentrate on breathing love okay. Everyone else has gone to get bowling shoes so it’s just you and me.”

Carole had noticed the difficulties the Doctor was having and had casually swept everyone else along, leaving Yaz and the Doctor to deal with the problem in relative privacy.

The Doctor had squeezed her eye shut kept up the tight grip on Yaz’s hands as she internally counted and tried to match her breathing to the counts.

Yaz could see she was working hard to regain control over herself without needing someone else’s input and she remained quiet, allowing the Doctor to manage her own panic. She was doing well but Yaz would be able to step in if she wasn’t.

It took the best part of ten minutes but gradually the Doctor calmed herself enough to open her eye and relax her grip on Yaz’s hands.

“Better?”

“I think so. I can move now.”

There was a tremor to her hands as she made her way over to the desk where Carole, Paul, Maisie and Lily were trying on bowling shoes. She wasn’t wearing her prosthetic and wouldn’t be attempting to stand so didn’t need a pair and Yaz quickly caught an attendants attention to get some for herself, anxious about leaving the Doctor alone if it wasn’t entirely necessary.

When they were all suitably shod, they were shown over to a lane. It was right in the middle of the alley with groups of teenagers on either side of them, unfortunately increasing the noise and stimulation even further.

The last time the Doctor had bowled she had been walking and had leant on Ryan to manage the unsettling weight of the ball. But her hands, or at least her unscarred right hand had been perfectly functional then. Now though, she knew there was no way she had the strength in them to lift even the lightest bowling ball and she was already attracting curious stares from the other parties near them. Yaz was on it though and quickly told Maisie that she and the Doctor would be playing as a team. Which in reality meant the Doctor could sit exactly where she was if she needed to for the time being and, if she felt up to it later on, could join in.

Lily surprised everyone by being a surprisingly good bowler and was soon ahead in the points. Carole and Paul seemed to be happy to let the two children win and Yaz would have loved to have said that she was doing the same but in reality, she was as terrible at bowling as she had always been.

Yaz completed each of her turns as quickly as she could, still concerned about leaving the Doctor to sit alone. If she hadn’t known her so well she wouldn’t have been able to pick up the subtle signs of how she was feeling, the clench of her fists, the tightness around her jaw, staring at her knee rather than looking at the game and she made sure to provide the Doctor with physical reassurance each time she came back from having a turn.

Maisie was buzzing with excitement the entire time and didn’t seem to notice that the Doctor was barely holding herself together. She didn’t win but it was a mark of how much fun she was having that she kept a lid on her disappointment and instead just started getting over excited about the pizza and ice-cream that were to come.

As the other four members of the party left, the Doctor remained frozen as if she hadn’t even noticed.

“Doctor, are you ready to leave?” Yaz prompted.

The Doctor just looked at Yaz as if she was dazed.

“Okay, I’m going to get you out of here” Yaz promised. She flicked the Doctor’s brakes off for her and pushed her away from the lanes. The Doctor did at least seem to register that she was moving as she put her head in her hands and started groaning.

Yaz stopped briefly to get her own shoes back before taking the Doctor outside to the relative quiet. She took them into a secluded corner to give the Doctor time to pull herself together.

“We can leave” Yaz reminded her. “Maisie is coming to next week anyway, she’s so excited she probably won’t notice.

The Doctor paused, considering.

“No, I think I can do it. I’m okay now I’m out of there.”

“Are you sure? There’s no pressure.”

“Yeah, where is it we’re supposed to be going?”

Yaz pointed out the pizza place. It was packed.

The Doctor nodded determinedly and started pushing herself towards the restaurant.

The rest of the group was already seated at a raised booth.

“Jane I saved you a seat beside me!” Maisie squealed, already drinking a coke.

The Doctor smiled tightly as she eyed the booth. It was quite high and didn’t leave much room for a transfer but because of its height there was no chance of staying in her wheelchair.

“D’you need help?” Yaz asked quietly.

She nodded and Yaz held her securely as she transferred across shakily. Yaz tucked her chair in close so it wasn’t in the way and slid in after her, sitting close so the Doctor could physically feel her presence. The upside to the booth was that it was a little more private and a little quieter than the main restaurant and the Doctor slowly relaxed as they wanted for their food to be brought to them.

Finally, when they were all full of pizza, it was time for presents and Maisie started to bounce up and down in her seat. Carole and Paul had already given her gifts that morning and Lily handed over a small parcel. It was one half of a set of ‘best friends’ necklace and as Maisie opened it, Lily put her hand down her jumper and lifted out her own half. It was a very sweet gesture.

“Jane can you put it on for me?” she asked the Doctor.

“Here sweetheart, I can do it for you.” Yaz offered.

“Oh yeah, I forgotted about your hands” Maisie said quietly.

She stroked the necklace Yaz had just fastened for her almost reverently.

“Thank you Lily” she said sweetly, hugging her friend.

When it came to the gifts from Yaz and the Doctor, Maisie tore the paper off with a frenzy and pulled out each gift, placing them carefully on the table.

“Wow thank you!” she breathed excitedly, stroking the packet of pens.

“You have pens just like mine now!” Lily pointed out excitedly.

They were interrupted by the arrival of the cake, being brought by six members of staff who were singing loudly. It was a massive rainbow layer cake with a sparkler on top.

For the first time that evening Maisie looked uncertain and she shifted closer towards the Doctor. When the cake was put in front of her she let out a squeak and hid her face in the Doctor’s jumper. The Doctor gently stroked Maisie’s head.

“It’s okay sweetheart. Birthdays can be a bit weird with everyone watching you but we just want you to have a good time. You’re alright. Would you like a piece of birthday cake?”

Maisie nodded her head but didn’t move it from where she was snuggled in close to the Doctor who wrapped both arms around her securely.

Carole cut the cake, serving it on napkins and handing them out. With everyone’s attention focused on the cake Maisie managed to pull herself together and sit up properly.

“Alright sweetheart?” the Doctor asked her quietly.

“Yeah” Maisie whispered softly but she was still sitting close and she leaned her head against the Doctor’s shoulder while she picked at her cake.

All in all, Maisie’s birthday had gone as well as anyone could have hoped considering that it was her first. After cake the party broke up, the girls had school the next day, and needed some sleep. Yaz was relieved, the Doctor was only just holding herself together and as soon as they got home she disappeared. Yaz found her a few minutes later, already in bed and curled up tightly.

“Are you okay?”

“I think so.”

“Do you need anything?”

“A cuddle?”

“Always.”

Yaz climbed onto the bed beside her girlfriend and pulled her in close.

“I love you you know” she said, planting a soft kiss on the Doctor’s cheek.

The Doctor held Yaz’s hands that were clasped around her middle.

“I love you too.”


	85. Chapter 85

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The eagle eyed amongst you will have noticed that there is an end to this in sight. We will finish on chapter 100 and I have the ending mapped out. Also nicely, there are fifteen chapters to go and fifteen weeks to go the one year anniversary of when I first published this so I will post chapter 100 on the anniversary.   
> However a sequel is very much formulating a plan... I was always going to write one full of snapshots of their future lives but Maisie looks like she's going to feature heavily in that (probably not in the way you think) so I may write her story separately... Let me know what you think!

The Doctor answered the doorbell a few days after Maisie’s birthday. She hated answering the door, most of their family let themselves in so it was usually someone she didn’t know. A delivery driver, a post man, someone canvassing for politics or trying to sell something… all people who would stare at her openly and rudely and she would be stupid if she didn’t recognise how vulnerable she was if someone were to decide to attack her.

She took a deep breath and wiped her sweaty palms on her trousers before answering.

“Sonya! …Hi. Yaz isn’t here… I didn’t forget about a tutoring session did I?” she said, both surprised and confused. She knew Yaz’s family kept a close eye on her work schedule, mostly so they could keep a close eye on the Doctor and during Yaz’s long shifts one of the Khans or Ryan or Graham would pop in both morning and evening, sometimes afternoon as well and if she wasn’t well, someone would stay with her most if not all of the day. And somehow Sonya always had a tutoring session on the days of the long shifts.

“No you didn’t, I came to see you about something else.”

“Oh, well come in then”, she rolled backwards, opening the door fully and allowing Sonya into the hall. She shut the door and locked it carefully like she always did, dropping the key into the pot beside the door, racking her brains as to what on earth Sonya could want with her. The last time Sonya had come to see her specifically other than their regular tutoring sessions had been so long ago she was still using the Beast full time and she had brought her cutlery.

“Drink?” she offered as she led Sonya into the kitchen.

“Coffee please.”

The Doctor flicked the kettle on and lifted out two mugs, checking the cheat sheet Yaz had taped inside the cupboard for how people liked their drinks. No matter how many times she made them, the information refused to stay in her head. Including Sonya’s which she made at least once and usually twice during each tutoring session, four times per week.

Her absolute favourite thing about their new kitchen was the kettle, it was plugged in on the lowered countertop and although she had to lift it to fill it, it sat in a rocker so when the kettle had boiled she could tip it without worrying about spilling boiling water everywhere. She checked Sonya’s milk and sugar again having already forgotten in the two minutes it had taken to boil the kettle, inwardly swearing at herself. She attempted to add sugar to her own tea and closed her eyes in frustration as she spilled what looked like half a bag of sugar on the counter.

“Do you want help?” Sonya asked.

The Doctor breathed out heavily. “No, I can manage.”

She wiped up the sugar and put a tray on her lap where she carefully balanced the hot drinks to bring them precariously to the table, handed Sonya her coffee and put her own tea on the table.

“You wanted to talk to me?” the Doctor prompted.

“It’s Yaz’s birthday in a few weeks.”

“I know.” She replied, she might not be the best girlfriend in the world, but she at least knew when Yaz’s birthday was.

“I wanted to ask you about her birthday present.”

“I haven’t bought one yet.”

“I assumed you wouldn’t have. That’s why I’m here.”

“I’m confused.”

“To take you shopping to get Yaz something for her birthday.”

“Oh. Right. You don’t have to do that Sonya.”

“I know but Ryan says you still won’t go out on your own. I know he was planning to take you but he’s been working so much and if we go I can make sure you don’t buy her something weird and ridiculous and I get more time with my boyfriend. I haven’t suddenly become altruistic or anything. Besides, do you have anything better to be doing today?”

“No but…”

“But what?”

“Nothing.” But it wasn’t nothing. It was Saturday, the shops would be packed to the rafters with people and noise and stimulation and people would stare and Yaz wouldn’t be there which was the whole point but of all the people who wouldn’t be able to talk sense into her Sonya was probably top of the list…

“Doctor… are you coming or not?” Sonya demanded.

“I… yes… thank you. Just give me a minute.”

She flicked off her brakes and headed out of the kitchen, shutting the bedroom door behind her. She took some deep breaths trying to calm the sick feeling in her stomach. The last time she had gone shopping on a Saturday was the day of Ryan’s twenty-first more than a year ago. She had fallen in the street and when they got home she had been so far gone she had actually pushed Yaz. Her face burned with humiliation and regret as she remembered how Yaz had fallen, banging her face on the coffee table and the black eye, bloody nose and bruised cheek she had unsuccessfully tried to hide with make-up for a week. Since then they had shopped precisely once, the previous Christmas, and they had gone in, bought what they needed and left again, first thing in the morning when most people weren’t even out of bed yet.

“Doctor, if you wanna be back before Yaz gets home from work we really need to leave now.” Sonya called down the hall.

She took one last steadying breath and headed out of the bedroom, a fake smile on her face. Locking the door behind them she kept a tight hold of her chair as she descended down the ramp at the front of the house. Sonya’s car was easy enough to get into but despite her best efforts, she couldn’t get her chair into the back seat the way she could in Yaz’s.

“I’m sorry, can you?” she asked Sonya, blushing furiously.

Sonya didn’t comment but got out of the car and sauntered round to the side. She didn’t take the wheels off of her chair, electing to just shove the whole chair onto her back seat. The Doctor winced, biting her tongue. If her chair got damaged she’d really be in trouble.

They didn’t have the Doctor’s blue badge with them so they ended up having to park on the top floor of the packed multi storey car park. Sonya did at least realise that she was going to have to lift the Doctor’s wheelchair out of the car for her and she parked it beside the passenger seat. What she didn’t think to do was put the brakes on, and, used to Yaz and Ryan never forgetting important things like that, the Doctor didn’t check. As she put her hand on the cushion and leaned on it her chair flew back from underneath her and she fell painfully out of the car while Sonya watched in horror as she landed heavily on the cold, damp, dirty ground.

“Are you alright?” Sonya asked, pale faced, her hands hovering over her uselessly, clearly unsure what she was supposed to do.

“Just go and get my chair before someone runs over it.” The Doctor snapped, far more harshly than she meant to. She was more annoyed with herself than with Sonya, she and Sonya spent little time together and certainly none where it was just the two of them. She was supposed to be taking better care of herself and not checking to see if her brakes were on was an elementary mistake. She had been using a wheelchair for two years and had been in it full time for ten months. She should have known better.

Sonya reappeared a moment later, pushing the wheelchair hesitantly and looking a little scared.

“I’m really sorry.” She whispered. “I didn’t think.”

“Don’t worry about it” the Doctor replied through gritted teeth. “Was as much my fault as yours.”

“Are you hurt?”

“I don’t know. Don’t think so.”

“How can you not know?”

“Because I still have very limited sensation. I need to look. I can only feel some parts of my body and what I can feel isn’t always sending the signals back to my brain reliably. Are you going to help me up or not? My foot is stuck.”

Sonya nervously lifted the Doctor’s foot out of the footwell of the car where it had somehow got stuck under the seat. When it was out the Doctor was able to drag herself into a seated position. She yanked her chair closer and this time triple checked both brakes before hauling herself into the seat and fastening her lap belt, fussing with her foot for a moment to make sure it was securely on the foot plate.

“I really am sorry” Sonya apologised again in a small voice.

“I know. Just forget about it.”

“Yaz is gonna kill me.”

“Ryan dropped me and broke my wrist and she forgave him. Besides, if we tell her we only have to tell her why we were out, and I want it to be a surprise. I have very limited control of my body Sonya. Combine that with the spasms, seizures and all the other wonderful side effects of my brain damage and stuff happens. It’s not the end of the world. I’m fine. But I hate crowds and shopping is a lot for my brain to cope with so let’s just get it over with okay?”

Sonya nodded though she still looked upset and she walked behind the Doctor as she headed for the lifts.

Inside the shopping centre was a cacophony of noise, lights and smells and it hit the Doctor like a physical blow.

“Do you know what you want to get her?”

“No… she’s not particularly materialistic. She doesn’t tend to want things.”

“She never was.”

“I know there’s a book she’s looking for but I want something special too.”

“Well let’s start in Waterstones, it’s as good a place as any.”

Sonya loved shopping and weaved her way confidently through the crowds while the Doctor struggled to keep up. Sonya was half way down an escalator when she suddenly turned round, having only just realised that the Doctor couldn’t follow. She came back up sheepishly with yet another apology.

“Sorry, I didn’t think…” she muttered.

“Sonya this is going to be a really long trip if you keep apologising.”

Sonya walked more slowly this time so the Doctor was able to keep up as they walked to the lift and headed through the centre to the other side to find the book shop.

“Do people always stare at you this much?” Sonya asked. As always, people were openly staring at her as she wheeled past.

“Always. People are gonna talk to you instead of me as well. They take one look at me and assume I’m stupid or can’t talk for myself. Also get random people grabbing my wheelchair and taking me where they think I want to go… or patting me on my head like I’m a dog.”

“Seriously?”

“All the time.”

The Doctor didn’t have to wait long to be proved right as they went into the bookshop. It was small with narrow aisles which were difficult to navigate. Squashing the rippling anxiety in her chest the Doctor approached one of the sales assistants to ask about the book she knew Yaz wanted.

Despite the fact that the Doctor has asked the question, it was Sonya who the sales assistant addressed.

“Can you tell her I’m not sure if we have it, I’ll have to look it up on the system.”

Sonya looked confused while the Doctor just looked cross.

“Why would I tell her when she’s right there and clearly heard what you said.”

The man didn’t look embarrassed like most people did. “Aren’t you her carer? Isn’t that, like, your job?”

“Eew no. I’m her sister in law.”

“Aww that’s so sweet. Is your brother disabled too?” he whispered conspiratorially.

“How is that possibly any of your business?” the Doctor snapped crossly. “Do you have the book or not?”

“You should teach her better manners” the man said to Sonya, once again ignoring the Doctor as he sauntered off.

“Okay I see what you mean” Sonya said in astonishment when they were on their own. “How do you not go around punching people like him in the face?”

“Well first off, it’s kind of hard to punch someone in the face when you spend your life sitting down. Second, I’m a pacifist and third, Yaz is such a stickler for the rules she would probably arrest me.”

Sonya giggled. “Oh man I would love to see that.”

“Hey!” the Doctor exclaimed, offended.

The man reappeared with a book in his hands which he held out to Sonya.

She looked at him with a derisive curl to her lip. “I don’t want it.”

The Doctor held out her hand for the book which the man handed to her though she noticed he was very careful not to touch the scar tissue on her hand.

“Do you meet many people as ignorant as him?” Sonya asked after the Doctor had paid for the book and tucked it into the bag she kept on the back of her wheelchair.

The Doctor neglected to point out that Sonya had been that ignorant up until very recently. “Unfortunately yes. Sometimes I’m tempted to drool and talk nonsense just to embarrass them but I know it makes Yaz upset.”

“Why?”

“Because she’s spent months caring for me when that’s basically all I could do. It just dredges up hard memories for her.”

“How long were you like that for?”

“I was totally paralysed after I got sick with the brain infection and I obviously still haven’t recovered from that, neither my speech nor my ability to walk but it’s not like there was a definitive day where I needed less care. And when I first started living with Yaz I needed a lot of help then too.” She admitted guiltily.

“She really loves you, you know. Never seen her so content.”

“I know, but it’s nice to hear you say it. I love her too, I don’t think I would be here if it wasn’t for her. I wouldn’t have made it without her love and support and care.”

They had stopped outside a sports shop.

“Let’s go in here, I know just what I want to get her.”

“You want to get her a present from a sports shop?”

“Yaz likes working out, especially going for a run. But she feels guilty because it’s something we used to do together and now I can't. And she feels guilty about leaving me with someone else only now I don’t need babysat anymore and I really want her to take more time for herself. Ryan was telling me about those watches that monitor your steps and fitness levels, I want to get her one of those and a new running outfit.”

Thankfully they were left alone to shop and the Doctor forced herself to concentrate on what she was supposed to be doing and not the rising feeling of panic that was bubbling in her chest as the shop was crowded with noisy young men who were excited and trying out merchandise loudly.

“Are you okay?” Sonya asked.

“I’m fine.” The Doctor replied automatically.

“Only you’ve gone a funny colour.”

“I’m fine” she repeated.

But she didn’t feel fine. Her hands were shaking as she reached out and took a maroon and black lycra running outfit from a rail in Yaz’s size and folded it onto her lap. She could barely control her chair as she made her way to the display of fitness watches and the words were swimming despite her glasses.

“Which one is good?” she asked Sonya.

She could see Sonya pointing at a couple but she couldn’t register what she was saying, her brain was buzzing like it was full of bees. She told Sonya to just pick out whichever one she thought was best and followed her to the till where she paid quickly, desperate to get out of there before she lost control entirely.

A teenage boy was shoved by one of his mates and crashed into her and she couldn’t stop an involuntary cry escaping.

“Is she alright?” the cashier asked Sonya.

“Yeah she’s fine.” Sonya told her though she wasn’t too sure. The Doctor was groaning and holding her head like she was worried it was going to fall off or something. She was also shaking like a leaf. There was a long queue forming behind them but the Doctor seemed totally unaware of it.

“We need to move” Sonya told her but the Doctor didn’t look like she had even heard Sonya.

She had seen her sister, her parents and her boyfriend calm her down when she got herself into a state but she had never seen it in such a public space or done it herself.

“Hey, I’m going to push you out of here okay?”

The Doctor didn’t respond but Sonya nervously took hold of the handles of her wheelchair anyway. The Doctor didn’t seem to be aware of the fact that she was moving. Luckily, right next to the shop there was a disabled toilet and Sonya pushed her in there, figuring it would, if nothing else, be a little quieter and give them some privacy.

Sonya pulled out her phone.

“Ryan, I’m out shopping with the Doctor but she’s sick or something and I don’t know what to do!” Sonya burst out as soon as Ryan answered.

_“Has she had a seizure?”_

“No.”

_“Do you think she’s going to?”_

“I don’t know, how am I supposed to know that?” she cried.

_“She’ll be confused, irritable, irrational, might be trembling. Her speech will be even more slurred than normal so much so you probably won’t be able to understand her, might be making even less sense than normal.”_

“No nothing like that. She’s groaning like she’s broken or something. Breathing really fast, she’s gone a funny colour.”

_“Sounds like a panic attack. You need to ground her, get her to realise where she is and what’s happening.”_

“How do I do that?” Sonya asked sounding slightly hysterical as the Doctor started wheezing beside her. “I got her out of the shop, now it’s just the two of us in a disabled toilet.”

_“That’s good Sonya. A really good start. Talk to her, remind her of where she is and who you are. You’ll have to keep telling her. Remind her that she’s safe. Physical contact can help if you take her hands and squeeze them tightly but warn her before you do anything like that or she’ll completely flip out. Encourage her to breathe with you and count the breaths. You’ve seen us do this Son, you’ve got it. I’m at work but call me back if you need me.”_

“Stop freaking out on me Doctor, I don’t know what I’m doing.” Sonya begged, flapping her hands anxiously.

Unsurprisingly, that didn’t work.

“I’m gonna hold your hands now.” Sonya announced nervously, feeling vaguely silly.

She reached out and took the Doctor’s hands which had been clawing at her arms hard enough to draw blood. The Doctor flinched at the contact but she didn’t pull away.

“We’re in a toilet in the shopping centre. You were freaking out at all the noise in the sports shop. Just breathe in and out nice and slowly for me.”

“Cou…” the Doctor wheezed.

“Sorry what was that?”

“Need you… count…”

“You need me to count? What?” Sonya asked desperately. And then she remembered a long time ago, New Years day, when the Doctor had had her first seizure and had woken up on Ryan’s sofa even worse than she was now.

But she was still talking… sort of… that was good, right?

Feeling ridiculous Sonya began to count, stunned when after a few moments it seemed to be working.

“Are you okay?” she asked a few minutes later.

The Doctor seemed to be breathing okay but she was hunched over in her wheelchair, shaking lightly.

“I’m fine. Sorry” she gasped.

“It’s fine. What happened?”

“Panic attack.” She was rubbing her hands on her thighs, digging in as much as she could with her knuckles, too tired to be embarrassed.

“Yeah I got that much.”

“It’s because of what… they did to me. I can't… when there’s too many people and loud or unexpected noises or lots of men… I can't control it. It feels like I’m gonna die, like I’m having a heart attack or something.”

“Yeah I had one before. When Yaz, you know she hurt herself? I thought she was gonna kill herself, when the police came to the door… I thought they were gonna tell me she was dead.” Sonya shuddered at the memory.

“Yaz told me you saved her.”

“I did. But I thought I was too late.”

“You weren’t…”

“But I nearly was. You can't ever let her do that again. She’s my only sister. You have to look after her.”

The Doctor’s head spun as she tried to keep up with the rapid change of topic.

“I will always do everything I can to look after and protect Yaz. I promise Sonya. She’s seeing a psychiatrist, you know that, but that’s a good thing. It means she recognised she needed help and she got it before things got too bad.”

“I know.”

“She doesn’t talk to me about it, but I know she goes. I think it helps her. And she takes her anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication every morning.”

“Do you check?” Sonya asked anxiously.

“Yes. Every day. We eat breakfast together every morning and she takes them with a glass of orange juice in front of me. I promise I’m looking out for her.”

“How do you know she goes to therapy? Do you take her?”

“No, but Yaz was worried that she would struggle to go. If she misses an appointment, is late or leaves early her psychiatrist will phone me.”

“What’re you gonna do. You can't drive… can you?” Sonya’s hands were twisting anxiously.

“I have a seizure disorder, there’s no way anyone is letting me behind the wheel of a car. But you can, as can your parents, Ryan, Graham, her boss Jennifer. Yaz has a lot of people in her life who care about her. I’ve got her, I promise.”

They were interrupted by a knock on the door.

“Come on, I’ll take you for a fried egg sandwich,”

“Isn’t that your favourite?”

“Yes. But you can have whatever.”

“I…”

“Come on. I’m okay but you look like you need a sit down before you attempt to drive.”

“I don’t want to know what that guy thought we were doing in there…” Sonya muttered as they walked towards a coffee shop on the ground floor.

“I’m in a wheelchair and I look… like I do. He will have assumed you were my carer and I’m incapable of going to the toilet on my own.”

“Gross… wait you’re not are you?”

“What incapable of taking myself to the toilet? Bit personal, but seeing as you asked, no. Not anymore at least. But like everything else it was something I had to learn to do by myself again and if I’m unwell I might still need help.”

Sonya wrinkled her nose.

“Trust me, it isn’t pleasant for me either. People always assume Yaz is my carer rather than my girlfriend. We were out somewhere a few months ago and she kissed me. Got accosted by some woman in the street who tried to push me away from her and ‘protect’ me from my abuser. Wanted her name to report her to the police for sexual assault. She could have lost her job.”

They seated themselves at the café and a few minutes later a waitress appeared to take their order.

“What can I get ya?” she asked Sonya who ordered chocolate crépes.

“Does she want anything?”

Sonya looked round. “How should I know?”

The waitress bent down in front of the Doctor and actually started stroking the Doctor’s arm. “Hi there sweetie, my name’s Angela, are you having a nice day out? What would you like to eat today?” she said in a loud, slow, sing-song voice, exaggerating each word.

“Hi Angela, I’m Doctor Smith.” The Doctor replied, matching her cooing tone. “Are you going to rub my belly next? Or perhaps I could pay you through licks?”

“I… ummm… I” Angela spluttered.

“Don’t pat me, I’m not a dog. Can I just get a fried egg sandwich?” she added coldly.

Angela stared at her, looking unflatteringly like a fish and Sonya sniggered as she walked away.

“People see the chair and assume I have an intellectual disability” she shrugged. “And even if I did there is no excuse for speaking to anyone like that.”

Their food didn’t take long to arrive but Sonya was only picking at hers.

“Are you alright Sonya?” the Doctor asked.

“I owe you an apology.”

“Okay…”

“I was so awful to you. The way people treat you… I used to do the same.”

“You were many things Sonya but you didn’t infantilise or patronise me.”

“I treated you like shit.” She said bluntly.

“You were worried about Yaz. You think I take advantage of her.”

“The first time I saw you after you came back, you were lying on my parents bathroom floor. Your face was gone, your leg was gone and Yaz was holding you up trying to help you breathe. And then I learned Yaz had taken time off work and my first thoughts were that her mental health was spiralling again but I saw her taking care of you, she was doing everything for you. And then every time I saw you she was helping you and you got weirder and weirder. And when Yaz walked out on you, she never said, but I knew you weren’t treating her well. And that day in the park, when you got sick, it was me that called Yaz. She said you were having a flashback?”

The Doctor nodded, confirming.

“You were screaming so much your wheelchair had tipped over, it was leaning against the ice-cream van and you were lashing out at anyone who came too close.”

“It must have been scary to watch.”

“That’s all you’ve got to say? It was scary to watch? It was terrifying. You’re supposed to be the person my sister can rely on but that day, it was like you were possessed or something. I don’t even know. It was like a scene from a horror movie but worse because it was real. And then the next time was a few days later. You were really sick then, mum made me bring you over your scarf and you wanted to put it on. Yaz had to lift you and hold your head up. You still had that oxygen mask on, and you were crying in pain. It was horrible…”

The Doctor stayed silent, not really sure what she was supposed to say.

“God, I’m making this all about me.” She said. “It’s not, I’m just trying to explain. For ages, each time I saw you, you were getting sicker and sicker and Yaz was doing more and more for you and I was so worried about her because she looked so tired and she was worried about you constantly and all I could think about was having to call the police because she’d run off or the time I was pulled out of French class because she’d taken an overdose in the bathroom at school. I rode in the ambulance with her, you looked sicker than she did that day and they wouldn’t even let me hold her hand. And you weren’t getting better and I started to worry what would happen to Yaz if you died. Because if you leave her or if you die, she won’t make it Doctor. You have to look after her.”

Sonya was sounding more and more upset with every word and the Doctor reached across the table and grabbed her hand.

“Sonya, I’m not dying, at least no more than anyone else. And I am definitely not leaving Yaz. I love her far too much to hurt her on purpose. And I haven’t always treated Yaz as well as I should which is something I try to make up to her every day. My brain issues are no excuse.”

“I know that now, but I’m still sorry for how I treated you. It wasn’t fair.”

“I… thank-you Sonya.”

By the time Yaz got home, Sonya had already dropped the Doctor off and, after dithering for a while, she had hidden Yaz’s present at the back of her bedside table. After a debate she had wrapped it and put it in a gift bag. At least then, if Yaz did happen to come across it, she wouldn’t open it.

Yaz came in noisily, throwing her keys in the pot and calling out a hello cheerfully.

She stopped dead when she walked into the conservatory.

“Doctor, why is there a cat on your lap?”

“Because it jumped there?”

“Okay, why is there still a cat on your lap?”

“Cats are brilliant Yaz! Don’t you love cats?”

“I mean, I don’t want to see them rounded and killed or anything but not sure how I feel about having one in my house.”

“Yaz! Don’t say that to Lilah! You’ll offend her!”

“Lilah? You named it?”

“Her.” The Doctor corrected. “And no, I didn’t. I speak cat, she told me what her name is.”

“You speak… you know what never mind. Don’t know why I'm surprised. You can't go around adopting every stray you meet.”

“It’s how I met you isn’t it?”

“No, you crashed through the roof of a train carriage and then kidnapped me.”

“Yes, but after that…”

“Still no. We had to talk you into letting us coming with that.”

“Yeah well look what happened to me… if this had happened to any of you Yaz I would never have forgiven myself.”

“You aren’t responsible for our safety. You told us to be sure. You tried to talk us out of it even. And I really don’t appreciate being compared to a stray cat while we’re on the subject.”

“But cats are ‘mazing Yaz! Your future descendants will be cared for by cats. Never insult a cat.”

“Right” Yaz shook her head slightly.

“So can we keep the cat? Lilah says she’s been living on the streets for months after her owners moved away.”

“Do we have to?” Yaz sighed.

“Come on Yaz, how can you say no to that face?” she asked, holding up the poor creature in front of Yaz’s face. The poor thing just looked rather grumpy with its face squashed up like that. 

“Tell you what, I’ll agree to keeping the cat if you go to the corner shop and buy cat food.”

Their light, jokey atmosphere suddenly became heavy. The Doctor swallowed anxiously. She had been living with Yaz for two years but she still hadn’t managed to leave the house on her own. Every time she thought about it she felt sick and shaky, like the whole world was going to fall out from underneath her. She put Lilah back on her lap and concentrated on the feeling of her soft fur as she petted her, watching the way Lilah’s fur rippled in the sunlight.

She ignored Yaz who had sat down on a seat beside her until Yaz reached out and held her wrist. She froze.

Yaz could feel her trembling. Somehow, she felt even colder than normal.

“Doctor?” she asked softly. “I know you’re scared but I know you can do this if you want to.”

The Doctor still didn’t move, like a statue that was frozen in time.

Internally, Yaz was debating. Should she give in and either go herself or accompany the Doctor while she went? Or should she push a little further? She was borderline agoraphobic, rarely leaving the house at all and when she did, she was always accompanied. She always needed time to prepare and to be talked through exactly what was going to happen, who was going, what would be expected of her… maybe springing it on her hadn’t been the best idea, but she couldn’t unspring it. And they could literally see the corner shop from their driveway… well you could if you squinted. It was at the end of the long, straight residential street they lived on.

“Tell me why not?”

The Doctor was still frozen, not managing to meet Yaz’s eye.

“Tell me. No matter how irrational you think it sounds. I can help and I won’t laugh at you or think you’re being silly.”

She sat still for what felt like an age. Yaz elected to wait it out.

“What if people stare at me?”

“I wish I could say that they won’t but I can’t. But people will stare at you whether or not I’m with you.”

“What if the shop isn’t accessible?”

“You’ve been in there lots of times before. The door is heavy but Paul, the guy behind the till, will open it for you. And if you can't reach something he will pass it to you.”

The Doctor didn’t say anymore but Yaz could see there was something else on her mind.

“Tell me what you’re worrying about Doctor. Please.”

The Doctor still didn’t say anything but she seemed to physically shrink into herself.

“You’re worried you’re going to get hurt. That it’ll happen again.” she surmised gently.

The Doctor let out a strangled sob, shaking a little more and Lilah jumped off her lap. Yaz was holding her lightly.

“I can't promise you that nothing bad is ever going to happen to you again Doctor. I really wish I could but I can't. But I’ll be right here. You can phone me and you have your bracelet on. If it gets too much or you feel unsafe all you have to do is press it and it’ll alert me and I promise I’ll come running. You don’t have to do this but I think you’ll regret it if you don’t try.”

The Doctor was crying and Yaz reached up and lightly brushed the tears away from her cheeks.

“What do you want to do?” she pushed.

“I… I’ll go.”

“Good.” Yaz smiled. “What do you need to go out?” Yaz prompted.

“My bracelet and my phone.”

“Yeah, have you got them?”

The Doctor nodded.

“Anything else?”

“No…”

“Not some money?” Yaz reminded her gently. “And your house keys?”

“Yeah…” she agreed, mentally kicking herself.

Very, very slowly, the Doctor wheeled herself to the door. Yaz walked with her.

“You can do this love. I have complete faith in you. I’ll be right here when you get back, I promise.”

As the Doctor let herself out the door Yaz resisted the temptation to watch her head down the street. The Doctor was an adult. Fragile and vulnerable she might be, but she was an adult who desperately needed some of her own life and independence. For both of their sakes.

The Doctor carefully controlled her descent down the ramp of their house despite her shaking hands.

 _Stop being ridiculous. You’ve spent thousands of years travelling the universe. This is a corner shop that you’ve been to dozens of times before. You can literally see it from your house_ she mentally chided herself.

She let out a low sob and squeezed her eye shut tight, hoping very much that Yaz wasn’t standing outside watching to witness such a pathetic performance.

_Stop it._

With a steadying breath the Doctor started pushing the wheels of her chair again. She wasn’t moving very fast but she was moving. There were twenty-six houses between their house and the corner shop down a long, straight, quiet residential street. She had passed six of them, almost a fifth of the way there when she hit her first obstacle. Someone had parked their van so it was half on the pavement and half on the street and she couldn’t get past. She squeezed her eye shut again. This wasn’t a disaster. She had the skills to deal with this. She shook out her sweaty hands and carefully let herself down the curb. This part of the street didn’t have drop curbs and she winced slightly as her body jostled painfully on impact. Double checking for cars she steered cautiously around the parked van and popped a wheelie to get back up but she crashed into the curb instead. Hard. She swore angrily. Bumping up a curb had been a very difficult skill for her to learn, especially because her arms were still so frustratingly weak most of the time. The Doctor paused for a moment and tried again, giving herself a better run up. It worked and she landed successfully on the pavement with a grunt.

With a roll of her shoulders, the Doctor started moving. She had managed to make her way past another nine houses when two men appeared out of nowhere, appearing from round a corner. They were dressed all in black. They were getting closer. Running.

_No not again!_

She was going to be sick.

The Doctor hunched forward in her chair, hands around her head.

They were almost upon her. She felt the air shift… as they ran right past her, their feet pounding steadily on the pavement.

_Calm down you moron. Not everything is about you._

Mercifully, the Doctor didn’t meet anyone else or encounter any more obstacles on her way to the shop and she stopped outside a few minutes later. It was a small place, always crammed to the rafters. She struggled for a moment with the heavy door that she had never managed to open on her own before Paul, the owner, came to her rescue and let her in. Once inside, she carefully navigated to the aisle where the petfood was kept. She knew where it was though she had never bought it before, and she stared at the choices in alarm. There were so many and her brain began to swim. Which kind would Lilah like? Did she need the stuff targeted at kittens or was she a more mature cat? Was she even elderly because there was special food for that too. Food for silky coats and healthy guts, food to boost immune systems and improve dental health, wet food, dry food, tins, packets, pouches, boxes…And so many brands. How was anyone supposed to know what kind to buy? What if she got the wrong kind? Would she have to come back? Would Yaz think she couldn’t cope? She needed to make a decision but what if it was the wrong kind?

_So stupid you can't even buy cat food. How can Yaz want to be with someone as catastrophically dumb as you?_

Her brain was full of the buzzing sound again and all the labels and information were blending into one giant mush that she couldn’t distinguish. Feeling herself began to panic she grabbed a couple of choices off the counter and paid, getting out of there as quickly as she could.

The Doctor got herself back to the house as fast as she could, her vision blurry as she struggled not to cry. She slammed the front door shut with a bang and careened down the hallway, desperate to feel safe again. Yaz rushed out of the kitchen and caught the Doctor solidly around the shoulders before she could crash into the wall. She was sweating, panting and crying.

“What is it? What happened?” Yaz asked her urgently. She was crouched in front of the Doctor, her hands gripping the Doctor’s biceps tightly.

The Doctor collapsed forwards into Yaz’s arms and she cradled her tightly, feeling her frail body quiver with sobs. 

“You’re safe” Yaz murmured into her ear, feeling the Doctor’s arms snake around her back. “You did it and you’re safe. I love you so much and I am so proud of you. I know you were scared but you did it anyway, you’re home now and you’re safe.”

Yaz kept talking softly until the Doctor began to calm and sat up of her own accord.

“I’m sorry” she whispered, feeling ridiculous.

“Are you hurt?”

“No.”

“Did you make it to the shop?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you buy cat food?”

“Yeah.”

Yaz cupped her cheeks gently and kissed her.

“I’m proud of you.”

The Doctor reached around and extracted the shopping bags from the back of her chair with difficulty.

“I wasn’t sure which one” she admitted sheepishly as thirty-nine different cat foods spilled out onto the kitchen table.

“Clearly. You mean you didn’t think to ask Lilah before you left?”

The Doctor blushed and ducked away from Yaz’s teasing grin, feeling a confusing mix of being thoroughly embarrassed by her display of emotion while also very proud that she had left the house alone, for the first time in years.

“Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.”

“Good, because I want to run something by you.”

“You remember we’re going out tonight for Ryan’s sort of birthday?”

“Yeah…” How could she forget, his actual birthday had been several weeks ago, just a few days after they had moved into the house. She had spent that night screaming on the floor, plagued by yet another flashback and Yaz had promised they would take him out as soon as the Doctor was more stable again, just the four of them. At the time, they had just about managed a slice of birthday cake and presents, just the fam, before the Doctor had been totally unable to tolerate any more and Yaz had had to help her into bed, the room dark and a heavy blanket wrapped around her tightly.

“I was wondering how you would feel about walking instead of using your chair?”

She balked. That wasn’t what she had been expecting. Not at all. She walked every day now, with a little assistance from Yaz and fully supported by her walking frame and an orthosis around her foot and ankle to stop her foot from dragging along the floor. But she was yet to actually use it to walk _somewhere_. Just up and down the hall at home or the corridors in the hotel Najia worked in which were long and straight.

“Doctor?” Yaz prompted her.

Her mouth had gone dry and she felt sick again.

“I… I dunno.” She said finally.

“You have the skills. You’re walking is so much stronger now, I don’t have to hold you up at all, you can go round corners. And you know the pub, it has smooth, flat floors. It’s why we go there, because it’s easy for your wheelchair, but that would make it easy for your walking frame too.”

The Doctor opened and closed her mouth a few times, Yaz could practically see the thoughts whirring around her brain. Lilah sauntered into the kitchen, clearly already very much at home and leaped lightly onto the Doctor’s lap where she purred contentedly as the Doctor scratched her behind the ears, studiously avoiding Yaz’s gaze.

“We could stop on the way at the pet shop and get her a food bowl and bed seeing as she’s apparently adopted you…”

That at least produced a small smile from the Doctor.

“You know I wouldn’t suggest it if I didn’t have complete faith that you could do it Doctor.”

“I don’t wanna let you down Yaz.”

“You don’t let me down. If you decide you want to walk tonight and it goes well you’re not letting me down. If you decide to walk tonight and it doesn’t go as well as we hoped you’re still not letting me down. If you decide that walking tonight is too much on top of your trip to the shop then that’s fine too and you _still_ wouldn’t be letting me down. I love you too much to be worried about how you leave the house, I want you to do it for you.”

“I’ll think about it” she said finally.

“I’m proud of you.” Yaz said, kissing her again.

Yaz walked down the hall to shower before they went out, her work boots clomping loudly. She dried and dressed quickly in her favourite yellow jumper with a customary pair of jeans. As she buttoned up a pair of brown boots, the Doctor appeared, hovering anxiously in the doorway.

“You alright?” Yaz asked her.

She whispered something so quietly Yaz couldn’t hear her.

“What was that love?”

“I’ll try it. I’ll walk.”

Yaz tried to smother her grin, not wanting to scare her off but she didn’t quite manage it as the Doctor slowly wheeled into the room and collected her prosthetic and orthotic from their usual space and placed them on the bed. Yaz collected her walking frame for her and the Doctor took off her boot so she could put on the orthotic. It was rigid, made of grey plastic and moulded specifically for her foot by Dave the prosthetist, with Velcro straps around her toes, ankle and mid shin. It meant that when she walked her foot didn’t drag on the floor behind her and made her less likely to trip as it took away all movement from her ankle. It wasn’t particularly comfortable but the last thing she wanted was to fall flat on her face in the pub. Yaz helped her wrestle her foot into a trainer, her boots didn’t fit over the prosthetic, and she now had two pairs of trainers in different sizes, one that was two sizes up for her real foot and orthosis and one in her regular size for her plastic one. Yaz then helped her into her prosthetic and moved her walking frame in front of her. The Doctor adjusted how she was sitting so her feet were firmly planted on the floor, in line with her shoulders as she had been taught, took a deep breath and carefully and painfully, with a little help from Yaz, stood up. As always, the dizziness hit quickly but it took less and less time to recover each time now she was standing so much more regularly. At a snail’s pace, with a slow, jerky shuffle, the Doctor and Yaz left the bedroom and headed for the front door. 

Yaz kept a reassuring hand on the Doctor’s back as she walked towards the door. On the one hand Yaz was incredibly proud of her attempting to walk for an evening out with her friends, on the other, watching her struggle so much was incredibly difficult. It was so much harder for her to walk for the evening than it would be if she was in her chair… but that was likely to be the case for a long time and if she didn’t push herself while her brain was still healing, she might miss the window of opportunity to learn at all. And in her chair she could be independent, could buy a drink from the bar for example and bring it back to the table but not using her frame. And watching her… it was like watching a puppet with its strings tangled. In some ways she was, the messages from her brain were very much tangled as they failed to communicate with the rest of her body.

Yaz stepped in front of her when they got to the door, the Doctor didn’t have the balance to lift an arm away from her walking frame to open it herself, and they stepped outside into the cool, evening air. 

The Doctor balked at the top of the ramp. Some days she couldn’t tackle it in her wheelchair and if her walking frame got away from her and was faster than she could walk, she would end up flat on her face…

“You’ve got this” Yaz reassured her. She put a steadying hand on the Doctor’s bicep and the other one on the walking frame to keep them both steady.

Getting into the car was harder than the Doctor had anticipated as, for the first time, she needed to step backwards. Yaz was still holding her but she wrapped an arm around the Doctor’s back so she could support her under each arm to lower herself into the car. While she wasn’t independent, it was a lot easier than a full transfer in and out of her wheelchair.

“Do you want to come in with me?” Yaz asked twenty minutes later when she had parked in one of the accessible parking spaces outside Pets at Home.

“Umm…” the Doctor considered. If she was in her chair she would have, pet shops were usually accessible to allow for big dogs or injured pets to get through easily. But it might be a lot of walking, she’d never been in the shop, was it big?

“You can do it, you’re strong enough.”

“I just…”

“I wouldn’t suggest it if I didn’t think you could.”

“I know. I’ll come” the Doctor agreed reluctantly.

Yaz got out first, like she always did, and lifted the walking frame out of the back seat. Maybe some day the Doctor would be strong enough to manage the few steps she would need to do that herself. Repeating the process of getting her into the car in reverse Yaz helped her stand and walked behind her patiently as she inched along from the car park to the shop, ignoring the pity filled stares from the two people at the till.

“There’s a lot of choice” the Doctor murmured. Too many choices were so hard to think about all at the same time.

“Let’s start with the basics, we need bowls for food and water… These’ll do fine.” Yaz told her, picking out a pair of matching, non-slip, cream, ceramic bowls decorated with fish that came with a mat to stop them spilling all over the floor. “We need a bed. She’s not sleeping in ours.”

The Doctor indicated a soft grey, fleecy doughnut-shaped bed with a furry middle and pale grey spots which Yaz picked up.

“I assume we don’t need a litter tray?” Yaz confirmed.

“How should I know?”

“You talked to her.”

“But that’s personal Yaz!” the Doctor protested.

“She’s a cat! Put it this way Doctor, if there are any litter trays to be cleaned, _you_ will be doing the cleaning. This is your cat.”

Yaz also picked out a surprisingly expensive scratching post, the cat would not be sharpening its claws on their furniture, while the Doctor was dithering over the toys, eventually asking Yaz to pick up some sort of flicky thing on a string and a grey, patchwork teddy.

“Do we really need these?” Yaz asked, her eyebrows raised.

“Yes.”

Yaz resisted the urge to roll her eyes. It was always good to see the Doctor interested in something… but did it have to be a cat? Then again, the very first thing she had latched on to, when she had first arrived and been so frightened and in so much pain from her then new amputation she had found a small cat ornament beside Yaz’s bed and had squirreled it, hiding it in her pyjama top so Yaz wouldn’t take it from her so maybe it wasn’t that surprising… Then she had thrown it across the room the first time she had seen her reflection in a mirror.

They took their items to the till and paid before making their way back to the car.

“You doing okay?” Yaz checked in when the Doctor was safely in the car.

“Yeah… that was more tiring than I thought.”

“It was probably the walking and stopping repeatedly.” Yaz said sympathetically. “At least in the pub you can walk in and stay sitting until it’s time to go.”

“I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take for them to notice I’m not in my chair.”

“Well we both know Ryan’s about as observant as a potato most of the time.”

“The Doctor sniggered. “And Graham doesn’t look too close at anything else when there’s food around… you though Yaz. Nothing gets past you. If I were walking in and surprising you on my feet tonight, it wouldn’t slip past your notice for a second.”

“Sergeant Khan and all that” Yaz said with a smile. To an extent it was her police training but she had also spent the majority of the last two years adjusting and fine tuning her awareness, both consciously and sub consciously, so that she was always aware of what the Doctor was doing and what she needed. She had to do it but it could be very tiring. Sometimes work was a blessed break from the responsibility.

They arrived at the pub and slowly made their way inside. It was a week night so the cosy, local venue that they tended to meet Ryan and Graham in was quiet although there were plenty of people there and, unusually, there were instruments set up along one wall.

Yaz accompanied the Doctor to a quiet table in a corner, checked she was stable on the ordinary chair, something she rarely sat on now, and folded the walking frame up, leaning it safely against the wall before heading to the bar to get them some drinks, orange juice for the Doctor and ginger beer for herself.

“Evening Ladies!” called Graham a few minutes after Yaz had sat down and handed the Doctor a straw for her drink. Ryan followed a moment later with two beers, one of which he slid across the table to Graham.

“How’s things.”

“ _Someone’s_ been adopting strays” Yaz said pointedly before the Doctor had time to answer.

“Eh?”

“A cat Yaz. Stop calling her a stray.”

“Well it _is_ a stray.”

“She Yaz!” The Doctor reprimanded, scandalised. “Besides she’s not a stray now, we just bought her a bed.”

“ _You_ bought her a bed. She’s nothing to do with me.”

“Famous last words Yaz.” Ryan joked. “The cat will be sleeping in your bed before you know it.”

“No it will not.” Yaz argued firmly.

“Are you two gonna be crazy cat ladies now?” Ryan asked.

“No I will not.” Yaz scowled, sounding genuinely offended. “The Doctor probably always was though.”

“Graham will you quit staring at me.” The Doctor said self-consciously, interrupting Yaz and Ryan’s sibling argument.

“Sorry Doc, it’s just, there’s something different about you tonight. Can't quite put my finger on it.”

“What, is it my hair?” the Doctor joked. Her head was, as always, covered by her scarf.

“Nooo…” Graham replied seriously.

“Doctor” Ryan chimed in suddenly, joining in with the staring. “Where’s your wheelchair?” He was looking round him as if suddenly expecting the wheelchair to materialise from nowhere.

“At home” she whispered shyly, embarrassed from all the attention suddenly being focused on her.

“What?” Graham was looking confused, but Ryan had finally spotted the walking frame leaning against the wall and a massive grin was spreading across his face.

Suddenly he was out of his seat, tackling the Doctor in a massive bear hug. “You walked!” he crowed delightedly.

“Aah! Ryan!” Yaz scolded him. The Doctor wasn’t stable enough to hold up to the hug and the two of them pitched sideways and into her.

“Sorry Doc, sorry” he mumbled, blushing as he disentangled himself from her, climbing back to his feet awkwardly while Yaz sat her back up, helping her find her balance.

“Don’t mention it, I… Graham are you crying?”

“No course not Doc, just something in my eye” he lied, dabbing at his eye with a large handkerchief and disappearing to the bar to buy everyone another drink.

As they sat at the table Ryan entertained them with stories of what some of the freshers at his university had been up to. The stories mostly involved copious amounts of alcohol and, surprisingly, the Doctor chimed in with a few stories of her former students at Saint Luke’s.

After an hour, and two large plates of nachos between them, their attention was captured by a commotion in the corner.

“What’s going on?” Graham asked no one in particular.

But his question was answered when a band started playing softly and several couples took to a space that had been cleared of tables and chairs. The fam watched them with interest for a few minutes.

“Dance with me Yaz?” the Doctor asked suddenly.

Yaz stared at her in surprise, a grin spreading over her face. “Go on then” she agreed, getting up and walking round to the Doctor’s side of the table. She offered her arms and the Doctor stood slowly, her forearms resting on Yaz’s, her hands curled around Yaz’s biceps and Yaz’s hands cupping her elbows as they walked hesitantly to the dance floor. Once there the Doctor transferred her arms to being around Yaz’s shoulders and Yaz held the Doctor’s waist as they swayed slowly, in time with the music, happily wrapped up in each others company and enjoying the closeness until…

“May I cut in?” Ryan asked in a mock posh voice, doffing an imaginary cap.

Yaz laughed at him and carefully transferred the Doctor to him, not moving away until she was sure the Doctor was safe, a fall would really knock her confidence. She knew what Ryan was really up to, he wanted to see for himself just how stable she was, how much strength she had and how mobile she was. She accepted Graham’s hand and allowed him to steer her around the dance floor.

It was a perfect evening. They all danced in various pairings, including a hilarious coupling of Ryan and Graham attempting to waltz together while Yaz and the Doctor sat and laughed at them. The five beers they had had between them in short succession had possibly influenced that decision…

Finally, it felt like things really were improving for them and Yaz felt content and relaxed as she let her head drop onto the Doctor’s shoulder and allowing the Doctor to take her hand.

She had missed this, doing ordinary things, not being hypervigilant or worried that at any moment something might go wrong with her girlfriend. And it didn’t.


	86. Chapter 86

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise that this isn't proof read, I just wanted to get it published tonight. Hope it makes sense.

When the Doctor woke up on Yaz’s birthday, Yaz’s side of the bed was cold and empty. The Doctor listened out carefully but it didn’t sound like Yaz was in the house at all. 

She pushed herself into a sitting position and spotted a note on her bedside table. She put on her glasses and squinted as she tried to read it. That had been happening a lot lately, maybe her glasses were broken?

_It’s just gone four, got called into work. Not sure when I’ll be home, text me when you’re up. Love you, stay safe, Yaz XXX_

The Doctor picked up her phone and fired off a quick text to Yaz, knowing she would only worry if she didn’t hear from her. On the other hand, having Yaz out of the house all day would make her plans significantly easier.

The Doctor yanked her wheelchair a little closer to the bed and transferred across stiffly, she needed a workout but she also needed Yaz for that. If she attempted it herself the chances of her getting stuck were high. She wheeled straight into the bathroom and, using the grab bars, transferred across to the toilet. She rocked from side to side, hooking her thumbs into the waistband of her pyjama trousers to pull them off. She did what she needed to and then spread a clean towel carefully over her wheelchair before transferring back into it, heading to the other side of the bathroom and transferring once again, this time to the shower seat. She pushed her wheelchair as far away from her as she could reasonably manage to get back again, pulled off her t-shirt and threw it across the bathroom to join her trousers which she had abandoned on the floor. Things that were so simple when you could walk became incredibly difficult when you couldn’t.

After showering the Doctor hooked one arm around the grab bars in the shower and leaned as far as she could, almost upsetting her balance, to snag her wheelchair and bring it back closer. It was still covered with the towel, if she sat on the thick cushion while wet it would be wet until tomorrow, and she transferred over, spreading another towel across her legs.

Normally Yaz helped her maintain her scars each morning, but Yaz wasn’t there. It wasn’t difficult but she couldn’t actually reach them all and, although the dexterity in her hands was improving, it wasn’t enough yet. Doing her best, she dug her fingers into the tub of thick, greasy moisturiser and slathered it across as many of her burn scars that she could reach, the ones on her arm, face and chest were easy enough, as the scars went down past her hip were more difficult and the ones on her back were impossible. Yaz could also massage it in properly and would additionally help her move to stop her scars shrinking too much, which she couldn’t do on her own but it was better than nothing. The cream took the best part of twenty minutes to be absorbed into her skin but when it was, she was able to get dressed. She couldn’t manage her own bra still, so she went without, settling for her usual compression shirt, a long sleeved white top and then a warm, soft, dark blue jumper with a rainbow stripe around the hem and cuffs. She pulled on her trousers, soft waisted black ones with no button, her fingers couldn’t fasten buttons, and shifted her weight from one hip to the other until they were pulled up properly. Finally she selected a warm sock and her boot. She couldn’t safety pin her empty trouser leg out of the way and settled for folding it neatly and tucking it under her stump out of the way. The upside of having so little hair was that it dried quickly, but again, she didn’t have the dexterity to tie her own scarf. Even though there was no one to see her, she felt naked without it and her head felt cold and bare. 

Squashing those feelings, she wheeled her way down to the kitchen and flicked the kettle on, adopting Yaz’s mantra that everything would be better with a cup of tea. While she was at it, she dropped some toast in the toaster to try and quiet the rumblings in her tummy and when it was ready she balanced everything on a tray on her lap and carefully took it over to the table.

By the time she had eaten her breakfast, washed the dishes and fed Lilah who was now purring contentedly in her lap, Yaz had phoned to say she expected to be home between half six and seven. That was okay, she could handle this. Besides, Najia would be over before lunch to help her with her birthday plans for Yaz. 

She had planned a night in for just the two of them, she had already bought presents with Sonya. But the night also included Yaz’s favourite byrani and chocolate cake which was where Najia came in. She had roped Najia in to teaching her how to make it. She was a terrible cook and knew there was no way she would be able to follow the complex instructions on her own and Najia had been delighted when the Doctor had phoned her, for the first time ever, the week before. And after dinner she was hoping they could spend… some time together. Which was _not_ something she had told Najia. Although she was getting much better with casual affection – hugs, little kisses, holding hands, saying ‘I love you’, even cuddling, becoming more intimate was so hard and absolutely terrifying. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to because she definitely did but every time they went too far she could feel her body physically tensing up and rejecting any touch from Yaz at all… in fact even thinking about it now when she was sitting alone was making her anxious.

Better to think about her first challenge of the day which was just as terrifying but in a different way.

She didn’t have the ingredients they needed and the corner shop didn’t stock them. Najia had sent her a list. But now she was going to have to get the bus to Tesco, find what she needed in the busy shop, inevitably have to ask strangers for help when she couldn’t reach things from her wheelchair and then get the bus back. All without dissolving into a panic attack or a seizure.

It was something she and Yaz had been prepping for. They had taken the bus to Tesco twice a week for the last three weeks, ever since she had gone to the corner shop for Lilah’s cat food. Obviously Yaz could drive but the Doctor couldn’t and would never be able to unless they got her seizures under control. And she needed to go now if she wanted to be back before Najia arrived. Najia had offered to get the ingredients and bring them with her but she needed to do this for herself. For Yaz.

The Doctor went out to the hallway. She checked the list Yaz had stuck to their coatrack – seizure bracelet, phone, money, keys. Although the bracelet would automatically alert Yaz if she were to have a seizure there was also a card in her purse, another in her bag, an engraving on the back of her bracelet and a note on her phone with her seizure first aid details and Yaz’s phone number. Satisfied that she had everything, she donned her coat, a warm, short jacket that didn’t get in the way of her wheels and put a warm hat over her ears. The hat was more about keeping her head covered than the warmth and the thick, puffy coat felt like another layer of protection from the inevitable stares.

Wearing her bracelet and tucking her other things carefully into the bag on the back of her wheelchair the Doctor let herself out of the house, locking the door behind her and getting down the ramp without incident, an improvement on the day before when she hadn’t been paying enough attention and had somehow managed to crash into the wall and tip her wheelchair sideways, landing hard on her side and ending up with a grazed knee from the impact to the wall and a grazed elbow from landing on the ground.

The bus stop wasn’t far and there were regular buses, she just had to take the right turn. She kept going until she hit house twenty-six where she had to cross the road and turn left. There were no dropped kerbs but there were cars parked all along the street and she had to choose her spot carefully, bumping down between two parked cars but very aware that sitting in her chair she couldn’t be seen by passing traffic.

When she reached the bus stop she was the only one there, and typically, it started to rain. The sort of drizzling, penetrating rain that makes you soaked despite your coat. And of course, given the fact that it was the middle of November, it was absolutely freezing. In the absence of a bus shelter, the Doctor was soon soaked to the skin.

There was a timetable pinned to the lamp post but she couldn’t read it. Apart from the fact that it was way out of her eyeline, pitched for someone at an average standing height, there was just too much information and it all blurred into one big jumble. She could tackle a book but only when she used a small cardboard ruler under each line to keep the words still on the page.

A few minutes after she arrived, the Doctor was joined at the stop by a young mum with two children; a baby in a pram and an older child who looked about three or four holding his mums hand.

“Mummy” the child said in a loud whisper. “Why is that grown-up lady in a pram?”

The mother looked mortified as she yanked her child closer, shushing him loudly and telling him not to be so rude.

The Doctor rolled her eye. Usually she answered children’s questions in these situations, they were innocent and just trying to learn more about the world around them which she was fully in support of but right now, she didn’t have the mental energy. She needed to focus on getting to the shop, getting what she needed and back again without completely losing it. Or having a seizure. Or having to give in and get someone to rescue her.

By the time the bus arrived the Doctor was drenched to the skin and actually shivering. That was strange. She was never cold.

The bus driver glared at her and sighed dramatically, making it abundantly clear she was an inconvenience as he got out of his seat to produce the ramp that was built into the floor.

“That’ll be £3.50” he demanded rudely as the Doctor asked for a return ticket.

He was tapping the steering wheel impatiently as the Doctor’s clumsy hands struggled to pick up the small coins and he elected to drop her change into her lap rather than wait for her to hold out her hands for it. Unsurprisingly it fell to the floor and the Doctor flushed with embarrassment as she failed to pick it up. Her fingers just couldn’t manage the small, flat, lightweight coin. The driver pointedly ignored her.

“Hurry up. People don’t have all day to wait for you. Just because you live off the state and don’t have to go to work doesn’t mean the rest of us don’t have things to do.” He said, his lip curling in disgust.

Leaving the money on the floor, her head hanging in shame and trying not to cry the Doctor moved out of the doorway and parked her wheelchair against the bulkhead, putting on her brakes and holding on tight to the grab rail. She kept her head ducked, too embarrassed to meet the eye of anyone else on the bus.

A face appeared in her peripheral vision. A woman, who strongly reminded her of Grace only with snowy white hair was holding out her change.

“Don’t you listen to him, he’s an asshole.”

The Doctor blinked, slightly surprised to see the older woman swearing so openly. She smiled and held out her fist, annoyed when her fingers wouldn’t open the little bit she could manage to take the coins.

“Is it easier for you if I drop this straight into your purse?” the lady asked, watching the Doctor struggle.

“Thank-you.” The Doctor whispered.

“I’m Sharon by the way.” She sat down in the seat opposite the Doctor and launched into a story about her parrot that had been taught swear words by her grandson.

The Doctor listened and even managed a small laugh, very grateful for the distraction. It didn’t escape her notice that Sharon got off the bus when at Tesco too and then pretended to have got off at the wrong stop, all so she didn’t have to walk past the bus driver alone.

The bus served Tesco directly and the Doctor took a deep breath outside the shop, trying to calm her nerves.

_You can do this. You’ve been coming here with Yaz for more than a year. Nothing has changed now. You know where to get a basket so go and get one.._

Feeling slightly better after her mental pep talk the Doctor slowly, very slowly, made her way into the shop and helped herself to a basket which she rested on her lap. First stop – the produce aisle for a lemon.nThe previous day while Yaz had been in the shower, Najia had talked her through a shopping list in order of where she would find things in the shop to make it easier.

The Doctor made it through the next few aisles without incident but the aisle where both the cocoa powder and the spices were, was trickier. All the little bottles of spice with tiny writing on were impossible to decipher and she was aware that she was staring at them. In fact, she didn’t realise just how long she had been staring at them until a man in an employees uniform tapped her nervously on the shoulder.

“Are you alright Miss? Only you’ve been sitting there for nearly twenty minutes without moving…”

“I’m sorry” she apologised, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment again. “I just… there’s a lot of words” she admitted, realising how that made her sound like she couldn’t even read and wishing her chair would swallow her up and spit her back out at home.

“What can I help you find?” the man asked, not in the least phased by her apparent stupidity.

The Doctor handed over her list. Now all the words on it were spinning too but the man just handed her the spices without a fuss.

“Thanks” she managed.

“No worries.” He sauntered off casually, out of sight.

Next stop, cocoa.

_Take a breath. Take a breath. Lets go and get some cocoa. You can do this. Yaz loves chocolate cake and you’re doing this for Yaz._

The cocoa was at the very end of the aisle she remembered but it was on a higher shelf. She could see it in its distinctive purple tub. She wheeled her chair a little closer so she was right alongside the shelf, but the tub was still above her head. Her healed but still stiff shoulder that had been broken less than a month previously twinged painfully as she stretched. But the other side would be worse. Her left side had the scars down her arm and hand that impinged on her ability to grip even more than the brain damage did not to mention her lack of sight on that side would mean she would struggle even to see it. She stretched again, scooching forward in her wheelchair to help, but it was no good, it was still about eight inches above her reach. There was no one in the aisle. Could she stand? She hadn’t stood without her prosthetic since before she had gotten sick, at least not outside of the pool. Furthermore, her wheelchair didn’t have arm rests to push off of and the shelf probably wouldn’t hold her weight if she tried to lever herself upright using it. And if she ended up the floor… at best it would be incredibly embarrassing. At worst she could end up hurt and someone might even call an ambulance. All in all, probably not the best idea that she’d ever had.

A man had appeared in the aisle from nowhere. He was… huge. His appearance reminded her of Hagrid from the Harry Potter books which Graham had read to her when she had still been bed bound, but without the kindly expression and twinkly eyes. Actually, he looked terrifying and she quickly withdrew her hand to get out of the aisle as quickly as she could. She couldn’t help but squeeze her eye shut tightly in her panic and could feel her breathing picking up. In her heightened state she crashed painfully into the side of some shelves, sending a jolt of agony through her body and banging her knee excruciatingly. Her whole body ached with the impact and the basket clattered to the floor, spilling its contents everywhere. She fought the urge to cry. She could feel the man getting closer. He was looming over her. It was going to happen again.

_NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNonoNo_

“Are you alright ma’am?” the man asked in a voice that belied his fearsome appearance. He was already picking up the spilled shopping and lifting the basket. “I didn’t mean to scare you” he apologised as the Doctor balanced the basket on her lap, staring at it so she didn’t have to look at him. “Can I get you something from that shelf?” he offered.

“The cocoa in the big purple tub” the Doctor managed to whisper. She had to crane her neck to see him he was so tall.

He reached out and easily plucked the tub off the shelf, placing it gently in her basket.

“Do you need anything else ma’am?”

“No, thank-you”

“You have a nice day then ma’am.” He stomped off in the other direction and the Doctor stayed where she was for a moment, taking time to collect herself and calm the anxious fluttering in her chest.

She shook out her hands, finally ready to head to the last aisle. She wanted some milky-bar buttons to decorate the top of the cake with as they were Yaz’s favourites.

Thankfully, they were on an easy to reach shelf and she was able to make it to the tills without any further incident.

The woman on the till was a sour lump with a face like a blob fish as she threw the Doctor’s food through as she could. She harrumphed impatiently as the Doctor fought with her hands to get them to cooperate with her purse and tapped her pen against the metal till as the Doctor carefully loaded the food into the bag on the back of her wheelchair. All in all, it wasn’t a great experience so far and she desperately wanted to go home and for Yaz to hold her tight, she could feel her nerves doing their cheese-grater thing again, where it felt like they were all exposed and even the soft cotton of her clothes were rubbing against her skin painfully while the harsh fluorescent lights buzzed annoyingly.

As she exited the shop, the Doctor breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn’t so overwhelming out here, there was less noise, less light, less… everything. Nearly there. All she needed to do now was catch the right bus. Number thirteen.

It was still raining and even though she hadn’t dried off from her earlier trip, she was soon utterly soaked to the skin again. Most annoyingly, as she wheeled herself towards the stop, a bus both arrived and left again which left her with a forty minute wait in the rain but unwilling to go back inside because it was such a long stretch from shop to stop that she would probably miss another one.

By the time the Doctor got home she was shaking violently – partly from exhaustion, partly because the trip had been a lot to cope with and very overwhelming and partly from cold. Her hair was wet through her hat and sticking unpleasantly to her head, her wheelchair cushion was squishing unpleasantly underneath her and her fingers were blue and even more useless than usual. In fact, her whole body felt like a frozen block of ice and by the time she had let herself in she was barely able to push her wheels at all. Getting up the ramp had felt like getting up Everest and had taken her six attempts.

As she sat in the hallway feeling slightly dazed, Najia appeared from the kitchen, more than a little shocked by the Doctor’s drenched, bedraggled appearance. The Doctor had been so desperate to get home she hadn’t even noticed Najia’s car parked outside.

“What happened?” Najia cried rushing forward.

“It’s raining” the Doctor replied, her teeth chattering and making her whole skull wobble.

“I can see that! Why on earth didn’t you phone me and ask for a lift? I texted you and told you to!”

“I didn’t want to put you out anymore than I already had.”

Najia resisted the temptation to groan loudly. “We’re family. You’re not putting me out for crying out loud. Go and get changed into something dry and I’ll make you a nice, warm cup of tea.”

The Doctor disappeared very slowly down the hall and Najia went back to the kettle, shaking her head slightly at the Doctor. How alone the woman must have been throughout her life to not even think to ask for a lift in the pouring, icy rain. However, she was distracted from her thoughts by a crash followed by a cry and she hurried down the hall, knocking on the bedroom door.

“Doctor are you okay?” she called through the closed door.

“I’m fine” she called out, unsurprisingly.

“Do you need help?”

“Ummm…. Maybe…” she conceded.

Najia opened the door. The Doctor was on the floor in a heap where she had clearly fallen.

“What happened?” Najia asked, crouching down beside her.

“Slipped mid transfer” she admitted, embarrassed. 

“Are you hurt?”

“Just my pride I think.”

“What do you need me to do?”

“Can you help me back onto the bed?”

“I don’t think I’m strong enough to lift you the way Yaz does” Najia said, thinking of the way she had seen her eldest daughter lift up her girlfriend as if she weighed no more than a seven year old… mind you with her missing leg… and she was far too skinny, basically a bag of bones…

“I don’t need you to lift me, I can do most of it, just a bit of help would be appreciated.” She attempted to smile but it came out as more of a grimace. “There’s a moving and handling belt in the bag on the back of my wheelchair.

Najia rummaged in the bag under the shopping and found the belt which she fastened around the Doctor’s waist and lowered the bed as far as she could.

“What do you need me to do?”

“Hold the belt where it’s comfortable for you, around my back and put your foot in front of mine to stop it slipping. I’ll lift up on my count and I need you to lift with me.”

The Doctor adjusted herself so she was sitting with her knee tucked up under her chin and her hands were resting on the bed, ready to work. On her count, they lifted and the Doctor landed untidily on the bed. She let out a small, not quite stifled, groan.

“Are you alright?”

The Doctor nodded though her eye was closed. Najia pressed a towel into her hands, she was concerned that the Doctor was still visibly shaking.

“What can I do to help you sweetheart?”

“I can dress myself” the Doctor protested, mortified.

“I know you can. But you’re soaked to the skin, freezing and shaking. I know it takes you a long time but you need to get out of those clothes…”

She stopped speaking when the Doctor burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?”

“Yaz said that to me once, when I’d only known her for a few days, just after Grace’s funeral.”

Najia smiled. “She told me about that, she liked you even then. I could tell, even if neither of you had realised it. She felt so stupid for saying it.”

“Yaz never has to feel stupid in front of me, she’s one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met.”

“I’m glad to hear it. Now please, let me help you before you turn into an icicle.”

“Thank-you” the Doctor relented and she allowed Najia to help her out of her soaked clothes and into a pair of warm, fleecy pyjamas.

“Do you have a spare wheelchair? Yours is sodden.”

“Only the massive one but I can't use it myself.”

“Where is it?” Najia pushed.

The Doctor leaned forward and pressed her hands against her seat and backrest. Water oozed out of them. “The garage” she sighed. There was no way she could sit in her chair until it dried.

Najia disappeared and came back a few minutes later.

“I forgot how big this thing is” she commented lightly.

“Lucky you.” The Doctor replied drily as Najia helped her transfer again. The Beast was higher and it was so bulky she couldn’t get it near enough to the bed to transfer properly anyway.

Najia was already examining the backrest and seat cushion for her normal chair.

“These are tumble dryer safe. I bet they’ll be dry in couple of hours if we put them in now. And you’ve got a lot of prep work to do before you can do anything else anyway. Najia picked up the soaked clothes from the floor, wrung them out in the shower and handed them to the Doctor to stick in the washing machine. She pushed her down to the kitchen, the Doctor feeling slightly ridiculous. Occasionally she did still need the Beast and when she did, the headrest and leg support and curved back support were vital, but right now she didn’t and they were frustrating and in the way.

Najia abandoned the Doctor in the kitchen while she put on a load of washing and put on the tumble dryer but she was back quickly and tucked the Doctors wheelchair under the table. It was too high to fit under the counter whereas they had specifically chosen a slightly taller than average kitchen table for the purpose.

“Right I follow the lead of Mary Berry and my mother and always do the ‘all in one’ method when baking.” Najia explained when she had put all the ingredients on the table.

“Sounds good to me… what does that mean?”

“Basically just that you put all your ingredients into the bowl together and mix.”

“Oh” the Doctor said, feeling foolish. “I can do that. What’s first?”

With some assistance from Najia, the Doctor managed to get all the ingredients into a large mixing bowl and she watched, beyond impressed as when they started to combine in the mixer Najia had brought with her, they actually resembled a cake.

Najia greased and lined the cake tins, not a task the Doctor’s lousy hands were up to, but she did manage, with a little help, to pour the batter into the mixing bowl and Najia carried it to the oven and set the timer.

“What’s next?”

“You’re decorating with a ganache, so you need to melt your chocolate, add it to the cream and then put it in the fridge to firm up. You want to do that now so it’s ready when the cake cools.

The Doctor broke up the chocolate into small pieces, only eating a couple in the process, and held the bowl they were in as Najia wheeled her to the oven. Najia watched as the Doctor kept the chocolate moving as it melted slowly over a bowl of gently simmering water.

Najia had been surprised at just how difficult the Doctor had found the baking process. It had taken her more than an hour just to get all the ingredients in a bowl and that had been with help… and then another ten just to get the chocolate broken up. They were going to have to get a move on if they were going to get everything finished by the time Yaz got home, she had already been in touch to say she would definitely be home between half six and seven, which gave them a maximum of seven hours to get everything ready but at the rate the Doctor was apparently able to work, there was a real danger that they wouldn’t make it. She was being greatly hindered by the huge wheelchair she was sitting in which restricted her movement more than it already was but even so, watching her attempt basic tasks really showed just how physically weak and uncoordinated she was not to mention highlighting the limits of her brain damage. Even now, when all she was doing was stirring it was clear to see… her movements were jerky rather than smooth, she could barely hold the spoon – it was wedged between her fingers rather than held in her grasp - and her tongue was poking out as she concentrated on the task – more than Yaz and Sonya had ever had to do as toddlers standing on chairs and wearing aprons far too big for them. It made her incredibly sad to see.

When the chocolate was melted the Doctor combined it with the cream while Najia rummaged through the fridge to find them something for lunch and a short while later they were sitting with cheese on toast, the aroma mingling with that of the cake which was cooling on some wire racks, fresh from the oven.

“Have you warmed up yet?” Najia asked.

“I don’t really tend to feel the cold, I’m fine.”

“Well at least you’ve dried off. Have to ask though, are you planning on wearing those pyjamas for your night in with Yaz… not that they’re not fetching or anything…”

The Doctor snorted, glancing down at her dark blue, fluffy pyjamas decorated with a pattern of horribly stereotyped green aliens with little fat bodies, three eyes and tentacles that Ryan had bought her as a joke. “Nah, I’ll change, wouldn’t want to lower the tone… still wearing pyjamas though. I bought Yaz a really nice new pair.”

“Are these the sorts of pyjamas mothers really don’t need to think about their daughters having?”

“Why would you be worried about Yaz’s pyjamas?” the Doctor asked, utterly missing the point Najia was jokingly making.

“I meant did you buy her lingerie Doctor?”

The Doctor blushed. “Uhh no. Nope. Yaz wears very warm pyjamas because I’m always cold so they’re blue with penguins on cause you know, Yaz loves penguins.” She stammered. “I’m going to leave them in a wrapped parcel on our bed for her. Nothing inappropriate I promise.”

“Relax Doctor. I certainly don’t need details but Yaz is an adult as are you. What the two of you do in your… private time is up to you.”

The Doctor gulped, her vague plans for the evening making her feel guilty.

Najia wisely changed the subject. “How about you chop the onions while I do the dishes?... Are you okay with a sharp knife with your hands?”

“Can you pass me the green one please? I can strap it to my hands best so it’s the most secure.”

Najia passed the Doctor the requested knife and chopped the onion in half for her so it would be more stable. She busily worked on the dishes and tidying up the mess from the baking while the doctor very, very slowly prepared onions, lemons, peppers and chillies. 

“The most important part of the biryani is the rice” Najia explained when all the vegetables were finally prepared and the onions were sautéing in the pan and she showed the Doctor how to make sure her rice was light and fluffy.

She was learning that teaching the Doctor a new task was incredibly frustrating and needed a lot of patience and repetition. She hadn’t quite got what Yaz had meant when she had said it had taken the Doctor a month to learn how to wash herself. Now she had had a snapshot. It wasn’t that the Doctor wasn’t trying her best because she absolutely was and Najia could see that, it was like her brain just stubbornly refused to accept the information that it was being given. On the other hand, seeing her pleasure at making the simple meal and cake (mostly) by herself was very rewarding and Najia was very pleased to have had the chance to spend some one on one tie with the Doctor, not something they had had much opportunity for in the past.

Shortly before Yaz was due to return home the tumble dryer beeped, finally signalling the end of the cycle and that the cushion and backrest for the Doctor’s chair were dry. Najia brought her wheelchair back down from the bedroom for her and the Doctor allowed Najia to help her to transfer one last time, sighing in relief as she sat in her own wheelchair again. Najia took the Beast back out to the garage again and when she came back the Doctor had already set the kitchen table. The difference in her ability in and out of her regular wheelchair was marked.

“Do you need anything before I go?” she offered.

“No, I’ve got it under control. But thank-you, I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“I’m just so happy you asked me. Have a lovely evening, I’ll see you Sunday.” She left quickly, kissing the Doctor before she left, not wanting to intrude on the evening if Yaz were to get home early.

Yaz ran inside as fast as she could, somehow still ending up drenched from her sprint from work to the car and then car to house. She slammed the door a little harder than she meant to, calling out hello to the Doctor and shouting that she was going to dry off.

The Doctor smiled, that was perfect. She hadn’t seen the candles that were lit on the kitchen table or noticed the meal that was almost ready to be served. She gave Yaz a few minutes head start and then followed her down to the bedroom where she placed the bright but poorly wrapped parcel on the bed for Yaz to find when she got out of the shower before sneaking quietly back to the kitchen. Yaz’s other gifts were in the living room.

She jumped slightly when, fifteen minutes later, Yaz wrapped her arms around her from behind.

“Thank-you for my pyjamas, they’re perfect” she said, with a kiss to the Doctor’s cheek. The Doctor had changed into her own favourites which were decorated with planets.

“Happy Birthday Yaz!”

“When did you do all this?” Yaz asked, finally noticing the food, the cake and the candles on the table.

“Today, but I’ve been planning it for a while. Your mum helped.”

“I love you” Yaz sniffed, incredibly touched. She knew how much effort the Doctor had gone to, to put together something like this and it was both incredibly sweet and incredibly romantic.

“Dinner’s ready” the Doctor prompted her. “You can tell me how much you love me later.”

Yaz served them both a portion and they sat down at the table.

“Wow this is the best thing I’ve eaten in ages!” Yaz eulogised as she ate a large mouthful of rice and chicken. “I can't believe you did all this for me.”

“I love you.” The Doctor replied simply as if that explained everything.

“Did you go shopping with mum too? I know we didn’t have all the ingredients for this.”

“No” the Doctor explained, for some reason feeling shy all of a sudden. “I took a bus to Tesco this morning.”

“What, on your own?” Yaz asked surprised.

The Doctor nodded.

Yaz abandoned her plate of food suddenly as she launched herself at her girlfriend, squeezing her tightly.

“I am so proud of you” she said, punctuating each word with kisses. “I can't believe you did that for me, I know how hard it must have been.”

“It was hard” the Doctor agreed. “But I wanted to do it for you. I didn’t want your mum to come over and cook us dinner. _I_ wanted to cook _you_ dinner. You do so much for me Yaz, I just wanted to show you how much I care.”

“I know you care. But thank-you. This is amazing.”

To the Doctor’s surprise, it actually was really good. Despite Najia’s close supervision she had been terrified she was going to have messed it up and accidentally give Yaz food poisoning or something.

“Do you want cake now or later?” the Doctor offered.

“Definitely later. I will explode if I try to eat any more right now.”

“In that case, come with me, I have presents.”

“You didn’t need to get me more presents. You already got me the best pyjamas ever and made me dinner.”

“But I wanted to” the Doctor retorted, grabbing Yaz’s hand and tugging her towards the living room. She switched on the CD player on the way past which had a CD in already that she knew Yaz loved and the fire was lit, making the room warm and cosy.

Yaz waited for her to transfer to the sofa before kicking off her slippers and curling in beside her. The Doctor reached for the silver gift bag and handed it to Yaz.

Yaz dipped her hand in, withdrawing the book first.

“You remembered!” she exclaimed happily. “I’ve been wanting this for ages!”

“Keep going, there’s more in there.”

Yaz put her hand back in, this time withdrawing the sports watch that would keep track of her steps and exercise.

“Thank-you Doctor. I really wanted one of these, didn’t think I had mentioned it though…”

“You didn’t, it goes with the last part of your present.”

Yaz dipped her hand in the bag for the last time, withdrawing the running outfit.

“Before you say anything Yaz, I know you love running and I know you have used it for your mental health since you were a teenager. And I know it’s something we used to do together but just because I can't run anymore doesn’t mean than you shouldn’t. I’m fine, but you need to take more time for yourself. When we went to the park back in March with your family, the day I got sick, we had this exact conversation and you promised me you would take more time to do the things you love whether or not I could do them too and I get why you didn’t but it’s time now… why are you crying?”

“I’m really happy I promise. They’re just such thoughtful presents” Yaz sobbed, allowing the Doctor to hold her close. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too Yaz.”

“Did you go into town on your own too?” Yaz asked curiously when she had regained control.

“Believe it or not, Sonya turned up a few weeks ago to take me. She didn’t want to miss out an afternoon with Ryan if he took me.”

Yaz snorted. “Well at least we know she hasn’t gone all altruistic all of a sudden.”

“Funnily enough Yaz, that’s exactly what she said… Now come here…”

She kissed Yaz again, long and slow and sweet, her hands lightly trailing down Yaz’s spine.

“I wanted to… only if you want to I mean, have some time to… but only if it’s okay with you…” she rambled as she broke away from the kiss.

“Doctor, tell me what you want. I can assure you that I probably want to too, and if I don’t then I’ll tell you.”

“I’ve just been thinking about it a lot and I think I’m ready to go a little further” she blushed like a teenager as she said it.

“Okay, what were you thinking?”

Yaz didn’t think it was possible, but the Doctor blushed even more.

“Tell me what you want. We both need to know what your limits are. Obviously we can stop any time but tell me what you think you want.” Yaz prompted her.

“Maybe… below the waist… nothing penetrative… but we could touch…. Only if you want to…”

“I like that very much.”

“You’re sure?”

“Of course I am, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Only, you’ve done a lot of… personal things for me and none of them are exactly attractive or glamourous.”

Indeed, having to be cleaned or have a catheter inserted or dressed by your girlfriend were about as unglamourous or unsexy as you could get.

“Me doing those things for you sometimes doesn’t change the way I feel about you Doctor. I still think you’re gorgeous and I want to be with you. It changes nothing about how desirable or attractive I find you. Now… do you want to stay here…”

The Doctor nodded, impatient now to get back to the kissing. She couldn’t be bothered to transfer twice and having Yaz carry her would be a bit of a mood killer.

Yaz’s hands were already tugging lightly at her top and she nodded her consent, breaking part for just a moment to discard it and she quickly returned the favour, glad that neither of them had the hindrance of a bra.

She felt Yaz’s hands gliding down her body, taking it slow, teasing her with long, soft touches.

Suddenly she desperately wanted Yaz to be closer to her and she pulled her, inviting her to straddle her lap. Yaz got the message and her hands glided smoothly down her chest and over her breasts, gradually getting lower and lower…

Her breath hitched as Yaz’s hands danced playfully along the waistband of her trousers.

“Is this okay?”

“Yeah…”

It was terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time as she allowed Yaz to remove her trousers, the feel of the soft skin of Yaz’s legs against her own…

When Yaz woke the following morning, it was still dark. She and the Doctor were still on the sofa together, pressed in close and still naked. There was a heavy weight on her foot and when Yaz looked down, Lilah was asleep on it. Yaz’s arm was dead where the Doctor was resting on it but she looked so peaceful Yaz didn’t have the heart to disturb her. She tucked the blanket that lived on the sofa around them a little more snugly and settled back in, relaxed and happy, encased in her girlfriends arms. It had been a perfect birthday evening.


	87. Chapter 87

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this is a mammoth chapter. It's also not proofread because I just wanted to get it up. Hope it makes sense!

“You’re doing amazing Doctor. Keep going, you’re doing so well.”

The Doctor didn’t acknowledge Yaz’s encouragement as she concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other, sweat dripping down her face from the effort.

Her gait was a little smoother than it had been, marginally less erratic and a little more controlled, which stopped her whole body jerking like a broken puppet with each step though she was still painfully slow. In the pool they were working hard on trying to retrain her brain to take steps, mimicking walking steps while she wasn’t weight bearing and kicking while Yaz supported her.

“Yaz, I need to stop” she gasped after another few minutes.

Sometimes when she said she needed to stop Yaz was able to push her a little further, right now ideally she would get her inside and back to her wheelchair. But that wasn’t going to happen this time. She had frozen on the spot and her whole body was trembling violently, threatening to cause her to lose her balance entirely. She no longer had her arms strapped to the walker to keep them secure, without both Yaz and Ryan there in case she fell it simply wasn’t safe, and with the little improvement she had had in her hands over the last few weeks she didn’t really need it anymore anyway.

“Okay, you’re okay, I’m going to get your wheelchair.”

Yaz was fast, but by the time she got back the Doctor was barely holding herself upright. Well… upright was an exaggeration. Her knees were buckling underneath her and she was clinging on, desperately trying to prevent herself from falling.

“I’ve got you, I’ve got you” Yaz fussed, her strong arms wrapped around the Doctor’s waist as she lifted her back into her wheelchair.

“You good?”

“Yeah… don’t know what happened. Just got really light headed all of a sudden…” she trailed off as the little colour in her face drained away.

“What?”

“I’m gonna be sick…”

Yaz grabbed the handles of her wheelchair and steered her quickly inside to their bathroom and unceremoniously bundled her out of her chair and onto the floor, leaning over the toilet. They barely made it before the Doctor was throwing up the contents of her stomach, Yaz’s cool hands holding her up.

She sagged weakly against the wall.

“Your hands are so nice and cool” she mumbled as Yaz placed them on her forehead.

“And you have a temperature, my hands should not feel cool to you… Are you going to be sick again?”

“Don’t think so… is this my fault? Have I given us food poisoning cause I tried to cook?”

“I doubt it. Food poisoning would have affected you quicker, plus we ate the same thing.”

“Oh God, the blob fish.” She groaned, her eyes wide.

“What?” Yaz asked, slightly concerned the Doctor was hallucinating or was losing her marbles.

“Yesterday in Tesco, the woman on the till, she had a face like a blob fish and was oozing mucous like one too. I bet she had the flu or something and now I’ve got it… bad news for you by the way, if I get human flu I’m really contagious to you. Seeing how… close we got last night you’ve probably already got it.”

“Fantastic, I can look forward to that… it could also be that you’re an idiot who got soaked twice yesterday in the icy cold rain…”

“Sorry” she groaned. “Actually I changed my mind… I’m gonna be sick again.”

“Up you go” Yaz said sympathetically, bundling the Doctor back onto her knees urgently as she vomited again and again.

“I hate being sick” she moaned weakly as Yaz helped her to her wheelchair and took her to the bedroom.

“No one likes being sick. Do you want to get into bed?”

“Yeah, can you grab me a pair of pyjamas?”

“Sure. You good to transfer?”

“I think” she said uncertainly, lining her chair up and reaching for her grab bar. She got half way across before she felt her arms trembling, threatening to give way before she felt Yaz grabbing her and shoving her the rest of the way across.

“Get changed. I’ll go and make you a cup of tea.”

“And a hot water bottle?”

“Hot water bottle or electric blanket. Not both.”

She huffed. “Electric blanket.”

By the time the Doctor got into her pyjamas she was shivering so much she could barely co-ordinate herself under the covers. Thankfully Yaz appeared from nowhere. She didn’t comment as she gently lifted the Doctor’s legs into the bed, simultaneously lowering her back into the pillows and pulled the covers up under her chin.

The Doctor sighed, closing her eye. The pillows felt so soft and the duvet so warm as they cocooned her aching body.

“What are you doing?” the Doctor protested as Yaz shoved something hard in her ear.

“Checking your temperature. Quit wriggling, I bet Maisie isn’t as annoying as you when she’s sick.”

“Hey! Rude!”

“Quit whining and drink the juice, it has ice in it. Your temperature is eighteen degrees. That’s way too high.”

“I’m fine Yaz. It’s a bad cold or a mild dose of the flu.”

“Do you remember the last time you told me you had the flu?”

The Doctor wrinkled her nose. “No, why?”

“Because the last time you had a temperature and you told me you had the flu you had a brain infection. You nearly died in my arms while there was nothing I can do and when you woke up you couldn’t walk or talk or sit or do anything for yourself and had seizures and…”

Yaz stopped, too choked up to keep talking. The Doctor pushed herself into a sitting position and pulled Yaz in close for a hug.

“I know you’re scared Yaz and I get why. But I'm not going to die. I promise. I’ve died before, this is nothing like it I promise.” She stroked Yaz’s hair soothingly. “Do you talk to your therapist about this?” she probed gently.

Yaz shrugged.

“Yaz you know I don’t pry about what you talk to Doctor Sullivan about. That’s private and none of my business but you have to tell him this stuff. He can help you.”

“I don’t like talking about it. I don’t even like thinking about it.”

“I know love, but bottling it up isn’t going to make those memories go away or help you deal with them. You never talk to me about it and you don’t talk to Doctor Sullivan about it. Do you talk to anyone else? Ryan or Graham? Jennifer?”

Yaz shook her head.

“Yaz look at me… look at me… I know my health isn’t fantastic right now but I'm not actually sick. I have lifelong… conditions. You don’t have to worry about me all the time. We can't let them ruin both of our lives, they're just something we have to live with right now.” She was holding Yaz’s arms but she raised her hand and lightly stroked her hand down Yaz’s damp cheek. 

“I'm afraid Doctor. All the time. Every time you have a seizure or a fall or a meltdown… or… or something _else_ happens I’m just so afraid that you won’t come back to me this time.”

“I know Yaz. But you worried about me before I was sick. Before we were even dating. You’ve been worrying about me since the moment we met, you thought I was some sort of homeless nutjob with amnesia.”

Yaz giggled a little at the memory. “Be fair, you didn’t know your own name. You didn’t know what your tongue was, told me you were an alien and were dressed in a man’s suit that was torn to shreds and far too big for you. You were hitching your trousers and tripping over your clown shoes up all night…”

“I worry about you too you know.” The Doctor admitted quietly.

“You do?” Why?” Yaz asked, surprised.

“Because I know that looking after me puts an enormous amount of pressure on you and you don’t ever get any respite and I hate that I need you to do that. Because I worry you don’t look after yourself. Because your job is dangerous.”

“I don’t want you to worry about me.”

“Well I don’t want you to worry about me either but we’re both in this relationship and we’ve both got our problems, I think it’s natural we worry about each other Yaz but I think you still don’t want to burden me or something. But you need to hear me Yaz when I tell you that you’re never burdening me when you tell me how you’re feeling. Okay? You can always tell me stuff, no matter how sick you think I am or what kind of a day you think I’m having or anything else. You can always talk to me. Got it?”

“How do you always know what to say?”

“I don’t. But I've had a lot of practice. But you have to promise me?”

“I promise.”

“Good because… “ she started and then broke off, blinking rapidly. “… because… good because… good… good… g…”

“Doctor?...”

But the Doctor’s eye had already rolled back in her head. Trying not to roll her own eyes at the irony, Yaz grabbed the Doctor at her knee and shoulder and rolled her towards her. The Doctor’s body twitched and jerked rhythmically but it was less violent than it normally was. She wasn’t making the disturbing noises that sounded like someone was kneeling on her trachea either.

“You’re okay Doctor. I’ve got you love. It’ll be over soon. I’m right here with you. It’s just you and me and I’m going to keep you safe like I always do. I love you so much.” Yaz told her. 

To Yaz’s surprise, the Doctor’s body began to still after less than three minutes and within three and a half minutes her body had relaxed and she had actually opened her eyes and Yaz gently rolled her onto her back once again.

“Hi” Yaz greeted. “You with me?”

The Doctor nodded, confused and tired but far more lucid than was usual for her after a seizure.

“Can you speak?”

“Yeth… yesh… yes” she said finally.

“Well done. You’re doing great. I’ll help you get changed. As she got off the bed Yaz was aware of how tired she was and there was definitely the beginning of a dull ache spreading through her bones. She gathered up a wash cloth and bowl of warm water, towel, clean pyjamas and clean sheets.

Yaz helped the Doctor take off her wet trousers and pulled the Doctor over to her side of the bed which was clean and dry where she could clean herself off with the wash cloth and warm water. Yaz pulled up the sheet, wiped down the mattress protector with disinfectant and covering it again with clean, dry sheets before sliding the Doctor over to the dry side and doing the same to her own side of the bed. The Doctor was tiring rapidly and although she had managed to give herself a quick wash, she hadn’t managed to dress herself. Yaz helped her out, tucked her in and kissed her cheek.

“I’m going to stick this stuff in the wash… get some rest.” She added redundantly as the Doctor was rapidly losing her battle with consciousness and by the time Yaz had the wet clothes in the wash with a healthy dose of disinfectant she was sound asleep.

When the Doctor woke up several hours later the room was dark. She squinted at the clock beside the bed. Just gone seven… presumably in the evening. Yaz was sound asleep in the bed beside her. She was snoring lightly, a sure sign that she was unwell and the Doctor could feel a colossal amount of head radiating off of her. She needed something to cool down…

The Doctor shakily pushed herself into a sitting position. Her wheelchair wasn’t beside the bed where it usually was, Yaz must have moved it when she was changing the bed though it wasn’t like her to forget to put it back. In fact, the Doctor couldn’t think of another single occasion where she had forgotten. Luckily it wasn’t too far away and she slowly shimmied down the bed. Yaz didn’t stir which also wasn’t like her, she was usually a very light sleeper.

The Doctor felt like her head was full of cotton wool and her body felt achy and heavy as she transferred into her wheelchair. She slowly pushed herself down to the kitchen where she wanted to make them something cool to drink. She might be feeling absolutely freezing in just her pyjamas, but she was also sweating and knew her temperature must still be high.

The shivers were making her aching body even harder to control than normal and the cotton wool feeling in her head was definitely exacerbating her processing and planning issues, making them more apparent but she managed, just about. Even if she needed up with a large mess to clean up as she forgot to open the water bottles before attempting to pour juice into them. She hadn’t trusted herself with open cups. She took them down to the bedroom, somehow managing to crash into both door jambs and the wall and yet still Yaz didn’t stir. She put the bottles on the bedside table and went back into the hallway to the hot press for a face cloth. She was shivering so violently that she barely made it to the bathroom where she soaked the face cloth in cold water. The Doctor gently sponged down Yaz’s face who moaned a little under the touch before she woke up.

“What’re you doing?” she groaned.

“Trying to cool you down, you’re burning up.”

“And you’re freezing, get back into bed.”

The Doctor carefully made her way round to her own side of the bed, trying not to aggravate the pounding in her skull. She tried and failed to transfer back onto the bed.

“I don’t think I can lift you.” Yaz sighed. “But I can give you a pull.”

“Yeah… think I might need that.”

Yaz shuffled across he bed and caught the Doctor under her arms. The Doctor attempted to transfer across and landed in a heap, just about on the bed and mostly on top of Yaz.

“Gah! Get off me! You’re too cold to lie on me right now!” Yaz complained, half crying and half laughing as she prodded the Doctor in an attempt to get her to move.

The Doctor laughed too.

“Don’t make me laugh Yaz” she scolded. “It makes the headache worse.”

“This is your fault. You’re the mupped who allowed herself to get soaked twice yesterday.”

“Don’t remind me… God we’re pathetic” she mumbled, pulling the duvet up round her shoulders.

“I really hate you right now.”

“You’re so sweet… I hate me too. Go back to sleep, just don’t snore this time.”

“I don’t snore.”

“You do when you’re sick.”

“I want you to know that if I felt less like a jelly right now I would hit you with my pillow.”

“Yaz?”

“What?”

“Don’t say jelly or I will throw up in this bed.”

“We should eat something.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Me neither.”

“It’s your turn.”

“Its like three times harder for me” the Doctor whined.

Yaz raised her eyebrows at her, it wasn’t like the Doctor to use her disability as an excuse.

“Which is why I got up the last three times. I made us tea this morning, I fed Lilah and I answered the door when the postman arrived.”

“Fiiiine.” The Doctor sighed elaborately. “But I'm taking your dressing gown.”

“I don’t care. Just hurry up, you’re letting all the heat out of the bed.”

The Doctor stuck her tongue out at Yaz and managed to reach Yaz’s dressing gown which was draped over the edge of the bed.

“It’s gonna get stuck in your wheels.” Yaz warned her.

“I’ll be fine. I'm only going to the kitchen.”

The Doctor wrapped the dressing gown snugly round her shoulders and Yaz tied it tightly for her before she transferred slowly across. She made it half way across the room before she stopped.

“What?” asked Yaz.

“I’m stuck” she admitted

Yaz groaned theatrically as she got out of bed to help. “You’re lucky I love you.”

She fished a hoodie out of her drawer and shoved her feet into her favourite, fuzzy slippers.

“Lift your bum up.” She ordered. The Doctor did and Yaz pulled the dressing gown down underneath her properly and untangled the hem from where it had gotten wound around her spokes. She wrapped the dressing gown around the Doctor properly so it wouldn’t get tangled again and put her slipper on for her.

“You make toast and I’ll put fresh sheets on the bed seeing as we both spent all night sweating on them.”

After spending an afternoon on the sofa, another full nights sleep and some proper food that actually stayed down, both Yaz and the Doctor were feeling considerably better.

“Are you sure you’re okay to go to work tonight?” the Doctor asked as Yaz got dressed. They had both been sleeping for basically three days straight but Yaz was still looking pale and exhausted.

“Better question, are you sure you’re okay to stay home tonight?”

“I’m fine Yaz.”

“You have to stop saying that, none of us ever believe you when you do. You know mum would come and stay and she would want to. And we both agreed with her that we would teach her how to do some of your care so that when you need it, I have some back up and can still work.”

“We did. But I don’t need it right now. When you go out I’m going to hang out with Lilah on the sofa, read my book and then go to bed and most likely I’ll still be there when you get home.”

“What if you get stuck on the sofa?”

“I won’t get stuck on the sofa.”

“You got stuck on the sofa this morning.”

“That was this morning. I’ve had two naps and three pieces of toast since then.”

“Doctor…” Yaz warned.

“If I get stuck on the sofa I’ll call Ryan. I promise.”

“What if you fall?”

“Then I’ll still call Ryan.”

“What if you don’t have your phone.”

“Then I’ll press the button on my bracelet which will call you. You will ignore it because you’re working and you will allow Ryan to take the call.”

“What if you have a seizure?

“Then my bracelet will call you automatically. You will ignore it because you’re working and you will allow Ryan to take the call.”

“What if…”

“Yaz, I love you but you have got to stop panicking. I’ve been sick for days, I will probably be in bed before you’ve even done an hour of your shift because we have a hyperactive eleven year old arriving mid-morning to spend the weekend with us. I don’t have seizures in my sleep nor do I have a habit of falling out of bed and I am perfectly capable of spending the night by myself.”

“I know… it’s just the first night you’ve spent alone since you got sick.”

“I know.”

“And I worry about you.”

“I know.”

“You can be completely fine one minute and in a heap on the floor dependent on oxygen the next.”

“I know.”

“But you’re a grown-up and we have safeguards in place and you’re going to be fine.” Yaz counselled herself.

“I know… c’mere Yaz.”

The Doctor pulled Yaz down so she was sitting on her lap and gave her a proper hug.

“I love you for caring so much. But I’m fine, I promise. Go to work.”

“I love you” Yaz kissed her hard and stood up, kissed her one more time and lifted her coat from the stand in the hall. “I’ll try not to wake you when I come in.”

“And I’ll try not to let Maisie wake you either but we both know what she’s like.”

“A hurricane” the chorused together and laughed, feeling silly.

“Okay now I know I have to go to work, we’ve clearly been spending too much time together.” Yaz joked.

Yaz walked out the door, shutting and locking it behind her. The Doctor made her way into the living room, calling for Lilah as she went. 

The house instantly felt too big without Yaz’s presence. The Doctor double checked that the front door was locked and then went to check the back for good measure. They were. She went down to the bedroom where she could hear Lilah snoring, who knew cats could snore, and found her, once again, napping on the end of the bed. The Doctor reached out and scooped her up and Lilah mewed so loudly in protest that the Doctor would have known she was being sworn at even if she didn’t speak cat.

“You know you’re not allowed to sleep on our bed… I know it’s comfy… Just because we’re not using it right now doesn’t mean it’s available… It’s Yaz’ rule not mine, take it up with her…”

Lilah mewed again but settled on the Doctor’s lap, looking only mildly disgruntled about being disturbed. The Doctor also collected her book and glasses which she shoved between her chair and her leg. She hadn’t been well enough to read over the last few days but her headache had finally subsided a few hours ago and reading was always a good distraction. She dropped her book and glasses onto the sofa and Lilah joined them, stepping delicately with her tail in the air. Although the fire wasn’t lit like it would be if they were both home the living room was cosy and the Doctor made herself a cup of tea and transferred across to the sofa. She wrapped the blanket that lived on the back of the sofa around herself and Lilah instantly curled up beside her which was nice. She ran her knuckles lightly over Lilah’ soft, furry back absentmindedly a few times before shoving her glasses up her nose clumsily and settling in with her book propped open on her lap and her tea wedged between her stump and the sofa. It was pleasant and cosy and sitting the way she was she could pretend that her lack of peripheral vision was the only reason she couldn’t see Yaz. But the house was too still and quiet around her and she didn’t like it. It wasn’t that she was home alone, that happened regularly, Yaz had a full time job after all, but going to bed on her own… What if she had nightmares. Admittedly the nightmares had been easing somewhat in the last few weeks and were down to three to four times per week instead of nightly but even so… Things never felt quite right when Yaz wasn’t there. She refused to allow her mind to wander to thoughts about how she shouldn’t be so dependent on Yaz.

Out of the silence came a sudden ringing sound. The Doctor jumped and slopped tea down Yaz’s police hoodie. It was too big for Yaz and the Doctor imagined that if she were standing it would probably reach her knees. At least the stain didn’t show against the navy fabric. Who on earth would be calling at this time of the evening? It was too late for delivery drivers or the postman, she hadn’t ordered food and the only people who were likely to call had their own keys and would offer a cursory knock before coming on in.

“Hope whoever it is, is patient” she grumbled to herself as she untangled herself from her cosy cocoon of a blanket and slowly and clumsily transferred herself from the sofa to her wheelchair. The door knocked again. It was one of the more difficult transfers that she could manage as the sofa was soft and sinky and sometimes , no matter how hared she tried, she just couldn’t raise herself out of it. But tonight was not one of those times and she got herself into her wheelchair with only a little fuss and headed nervously into the hallway. The door knocked for a third time.

“I’m coming. Honestly.” Probably someone they didn’t know, anyone they did know knew that it could take her a long time to do basic tasks like answer a door.

She unlocked the door and opened it cautiously.

“Umbreen! Come in!” the Doctor was surprised, of all the people who she was considering, Umbreen had not made the list. “How did you get here?”

“A taxi dear. How else?”

“Would you like a cup of tea?”

“Yes please, that would be lovely. It’s very cold out there.”

The Doctor showed Umbreen into the kitchen, internally panicking. Umbreen always spent ages making them proper, loose tea and she had never seen her drink tea made from bags. They had what they needed to make tea that way but for the life of her the Doctor couldn’t put the steps she needed in the right order and it was making her brain hurt.

She startled when she felt Umbreen touch her shoulder. Her lined face looked concerned.

“Are you alright dear?”

“Fine” the Doctor smiled.

“Tea bags are fine you know.”

The Doctor stared at her. How had she known?

“How do you take it?” the Doctor asked as she flicked the switch on the kettle and found two clean cups.

“Just a splash of milk.”

Umbreen had settled herself into the chair that was opposite the Doctor’s empty space and was watching as the Doctor made the tea. And when the Doctor froze having already forgotten how she took her tea just thirty seconds after Umbreen had told her.

“A splash of milk” Umbreen reminded her quietly.

The Doctor shot her a forced smile and finished the tea which she brought to the table.

“You know Yaz is working don’t you?” she asked, still unsure why Umbreen was there.

“Of course I do. I wanted to talk to you.” She sipped her tea, watching the Doctor over the rim of the cup. “You’ve started using an ordinary cup I see.”

It was a statement not a question but the Doctor still felt the need to reply, not sure where Umbreen was going.

“Uhhh yeah… they’re a bit stronger than they were and I have a little movement in them now.”

“Yaz mentioned you’re learning to walk again.”

“Yeah… it’s hard but she helps me practice everyday.”

“Will it work?”

“Define work.” The Doctor countered.

“Will you walk?”

The Doctor stared at her. No one else was ever so blunt. They might desperately want to know but they never came right out and asked, not even Ryan. The only person she ever talked about her… condition with was Yaz. But Umbreen had a way of making you want to answer, or at least feeling like you should, but also make you feel totally unjudged for your answer.

“Depends on what you mean by walk. I can manage a short distance with a large walking frame but I wouldn’t even attempt it without Yaz or Ryan for back-up and I need them to help me stand and sit. I would like to graduate back to using crutches. But if you’re asking if I’ll walk unaided then I would imagine that the answer is no. And I think I will always Never say never but probably not.”

Umbreen nodded, accepting the Doctor’s response without comment.

“Is this why you came to see me? To ask about my hands and my ability to walk?”

“I want you to know that I know you’re not who you say you are.”

The Doctor went to interrupt her but Umbreen held up her hand to silence her.

“I don’t need to know, I'm sure you have your reasons but I am asking is, does Yaz know?”

“Yes she does.”

Umbreen took a sip of tea, still watching the Doctor intently.

“Do you love her?”

“More than anything else in the universe” the Doctor answered sincerely.

They drank the rest of their tea in silence and then Umbreen stood, leaning heavily on her stick.

“I always crochet all my grandkids a jumper for Christmas but I need one of her current ones for size.”

“Oh… okay. I can get you one I suppose.”

The Doctor wheeled down the hall and Umbreen followed slowly. She went to Yaz’s drawer and fished out a burgundy jumper from the bottom of the pile that Yaz rarely wore and probably wouldn’t notice was missing.

She handed it over and Umbreen looked at her expectantly. “Where’s your jumper?”

“What do you need mine for?”

“To make you a jumper.”

“You don’t need to make me a jumper Umbreen.”

“Of course I do. You’re part of the family. You just told me you love Yaz more than anything else in the universe. And I want to.”

The Doctor handed over one of her own jumpers without arguing any further and Umbreen tucked them carefully into her bag.

“I will call a taxi now” she announced.

“I’m sorry I can't drive you home” the Doctor said regretfully, anxious at sending Yaz’s frail, elderly grandmother out alone on a freezing cold night but unable to do anything about it.

“My neighbour Delilah, her son is a taxi driver. He takes good care of me.” She replied, patting the Doctor on her shoulder with a wizened hand.

“He will be about an hour, I will start on Yaz’s jumper.” She announced a few minutes later after speaking to Delilah and settling in on the sofa and pulling out some soft looking wool in a soft, mossy green. The Doctor watched, fascinated, as she manipulated the wool, her hands working rapidly.

“I've never seen someone crochet before.” The Doctor commented as she watched.

“Your grandparents or parents didn’t do things like this for you when you were little?”

“Yaz is my only family, haven’t had anyone else for a looong time.”

“Come here, I’ll show you how to do it.”

“Oh, that’s okay. I don’t think my hands…” the Doctor balked.

“Nonsense. If I can do it with my arthritis then you can figure it out, you’re a smart woman Doctor.” She was already rummaging in her bag for a second crochet hook. “Do you have a better hand?”

“Neither are much good. I was right handed though it doesn’t make that much difference anymore and the scars on my left hand make it hard to use…”

“Right it is then” Umbreen said, handing the Doctor a ball of wool and a hook. Under Umbreen’s instructions the Doctor unravelled a length of yarn, gripping it between her knuckles and somehow managing to make her closed fist and knuckles work for her to manipulate the slip knot to begin though it took nearly twenty minutes. It was even harder than she had thought, Umbreen had made it look so easy.

The Doctor found one of her hand straps in the bag she kept on the back of her wheelchair and Umbreen strapped the crochet hook to her hands in the right position for her.

“Can you make a pinch with your left hand?” Umbreen asked kindly.

“No, not even close.”

“May I?” Umbreen asked, gesturing the Doctor’s hands.

The Doctor held them out and Umbreen carefully threaded the wool around her little finger and between the knuckles of her pointer and middle finger.

“Is that going to be okay for you? Will the wool rubbing on your scars irritate them?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Well we can try it and if it’s not working we can try something else… is it okay if I take your hands and guide them? You might find this tricky until you start to build up muscle memory.”

“I suppose” the Doctor agreed nervously, not willing to tell Umbreen how long it had taken her to learn how push the wheels of her own chair or make a cup of tea again after her brain infection and not entirely sure how she had gotten into the situation she was currently in. 

Umbreen guided the Doctor’s hands through the stitches. It was a strange and slightly unpleasant sensation. Although fairly useless and still perpetually curled into fists, her hands didn’t hurt as a general rule but the wool being pulled through her left hand was sending waves of discomfort up her arm and holding the thin needle that was strapped to her right hand felt strange. Umbreen was manipulating the Doctor’s hands gently while talking her through it slowly.

“Now your turn” Umbreen announced after they had done about fifty stitches, letting go of the Doctor’s hands.

The Doctor froze, suddenly realising that she had no idea what to do and instead dropped the wool on the floor. She let out a huff of frustration which then became mixed with embarrassment when she realised Umbreen was more mobile than she was and she easily picked the wool up off the floor for her and again threaded the wool through her fingers.

“What was the first step?” Umbreen prompted.

“I can't… I don’t…”

“Wrap the wool around the hook.” Umbreen’s voice was stern but not unkind.

The Doctor tried, she really did but her hands just didn’t seem to want to and were refusing to play ball.

“We’ve done fifty of them, you can do it.”

The Doctor took a breath and scrunched her face for a moment before trying again.

“Well done” Umbreen praised lightly. “Now pull the hook”.

She pulled at the hook, her tongue poking out as she concentrated on not pulling the hook too far and making the stitch too tight but a spasm had different ideas as her right arm yanked the wool.

“It’s your first attempt, keep trying.”

“I think I need to stop now” the Doctor admitted quietly after twenty minutes, when she had managed eleven independent stitches and had dropped the wool four times in as many minutes.

“Would you like me to leave you some wool and the hook?”

“Yaz would tell me it’s good for my brain and my hands.”

“Yaz is smart, you should listen to her.”

“I do. She is the smartest, kindest, most hardworking and most selfless person I've ever met.”

“I'm glad to hear it… my taxi will be here in a few minutes. Do you need help with anything before I go.”

The Doctor blushed. “I can get myself to bed.”

The thought of Yaz’s nani… no. She was perfectly capable of this.

“I’ve offended you…”

“You haven’t.”

“I have, you’re just too polite to say so. But I have known you since I was little more than a girl in Pakistan. All I want to know is that you’re safe.”

“I'm fine Umbreen. The only part I can't do without Yaz is my bra and she already helped me with that.”

There was a honk from outside.

“I’ll see you next weekend my dear” Umbreen told her, kissing the Doctor on the cheek and clasping her hands firmly.

The Doctor showed her out and locked the door carefully behind her. Lilah appeared from nowhere and rubbed her head affectionately against the Doctor’s ankle.

“We didn’t quite get the quiet evening in we were hoping for did we?” the Doctor commented. She took herself down to the bedroom and went to the loo and brushed her teeth first before putting on her pyjamas and transferring over to bed, arranging herself comfortably. The bed felt too big without Yaz and she found herself hugging one of Yaz’s pillows, it smelled like her shampoo.

“Did I wake you?” Yaz whispered as she crept into the bedroom shortly after seven, noticing the Doctor was awake.

“No, I was awake.”

“Did you sleep?”

“Yeah.”

“Nightmares?”

“No.”

“Any problems?”

“No.”

“Are you about to get up?”

“No, I was hoping to give you a cuddle first.”

Yaz smiled and fell into the bed beside her girlfriend, snuggling in close. “Always”

“Your shift okay?”

“Yeah, spent some time on patrol and then got called out to a rape victim. He’ll… he’ll be okay I think. He’s strong.”

“What time do you want me to wake you?”

Yaz laughed. “You really think Maisie won’t beat you to it?”

“Probably will, she isn’t quiet but I can try.”

“I love you for that.”

“Go to sleep Yaz.”

Yaz relaxed in a little closer against the Doctor and the Doctor breathed in her smell. It felt good and right to have her home and she drifted back to sleep for another couple of hours before she had to get up and get ready for Maisie. 

“Jane! Jane! Jane!” Maisie shouted excitedly as the Doctor opened the front door a couple of hours later. “Can I hug you today?”

“Thanks for checking, you absolutely can Maisie Bug”

Maisie enthusiastically threw her arms around the Doctor, burying her head in the Doctor’s chest. Carole appeared from behind her holding Maisie’s overnight bag and her swim bag for her.

“Maisie go put your things in your room okay?” Carole told her, handing over the bags. She waited until Maisie had disappeared upstairs. “Can I have a word?”

“Of course, do you want to come in for a cup of tea?”

“No, thank-you, but I’ll have to be going soon.”

“What’s on your mind Carole?”

“You remember Maisie has swimming tomorrow?”

“Yes, Lily’s mum will collect her at quarter past nine and she should be back by half eleven and then we’re going to the museum in town.”

“Sorry, I knew you wouldn’t have forgotten.”

“Is everything okay Carole?”

“We’ve… she’s… it’s been a hard week… I just wanted you to know, she’s lashed out at Paul and I a couple of times and after she broke your collar bone, I still can't believe she did that, I just need you both to be careful. She’s angry a lot of the time at the moment but she’s also crying more. Last week she spent three days in bed staring at the wall.”

“It sounds like she’s on the verge of some sort of mental breakdown. Is she getting any sort of mental health support yet?”

“No, they won’t get it for her until she’s settled wherever she goes next.”

“Is there any word on it?”

“I doubt I know anything you don’t know. It all goes on behind the scenes. But I think its looking less and less likely that she can be contained within a family unit, I think we’re looking at a residential home of some sort.”

“Yeah, Yaz told me, she’s tearing her hair out.”

“Is Yaz here?”

“Sleeping, she was on nights last night.”

“Oh I don’t envy that. I was a nurse and the best part of retirement is no more night shift.”

The Doctor smiled. “I had the privilege of being friends with a nurse one night, she loved night shifts.”

“Some people do, each to their own. Anyway, I’ll let you get on with your weekend plans, I just wanted to warn you.”

They said their goodbyes and Carole left, the Doctor locking the door behind her. Maisie bounded down the stairs and the Doctor brought her into the living room.

“Where’s Yaz?”

“She worked all night so she’s sleeping. We’ve gotta be quiet so we don’t wake her. She’s very grumpy when she doesn’t get enough sleep.”

Maisie giggled. “Why?”

“Because sometimes people need help from the police at night… How was school this week?”

Hard. We keep having to do tests and I don’t know the answers and I got extra homework” she sighed glumly.

“What kind of homework?”

“I have to write a diary about my weekend and I have maths and reading to do too.”

“You know I’m very good at homework, we could do some together. That way when Yaz gets up we can do something fun.”

“I don’t want to.”

“I know you don’t sweetpea but sometimes we all gotta do things we don’t wanna do. Which one do you want to do first?”

Maisie sighed dramatically. “The maths.”

“Good girl, go and get your books and bring them down here and I’ll make us some working hard snacks.”

Maisie giggled. “Okay.”

The Doctor followed her out of the room and headed to the kitchen where she poured two glasses of orange and mango juice, their shared favourite and selected some cheese crackers and custard creams, all of which she arranged on a tray which she balanced carefully on her lap and took them through to her living room. Maisie had settled herself on the floor already, her maths books on the coffee table in front of her.

“I hate maths. It doesn’t make sense.”

“Maths makes perfect sense, you just gotta understand the language.”

“Well I don’t” Maisie said crossly, crossing her arms and sticking out her bottom lip.

“Well then it’s lucky for you I do and I’m going to teach you my secrets.”

The Doctor pushed her brakes on and carefully lowered herself to the floor, shoving a cushion behind her back so she was supported by the sofa.

“Tell me about your maths.”

“I have to do adding and subtracting on a numberline but it doesn’t have any numbers. It’s so stupid.” Maisie huffed. “No one else has to do it.”

The Doctor smiled at that one. Maisie was still working on the Year One curriculum even though she was in Year six because she had missed so much school. She had a quick glance at Maisie’s books and they seemed straightforward enough but it was still a tricky concept and she could understand why Maisie was so frustrated.

“Let’s look at the first question. Can you read it to me?”

“You could put your glasses on.” Maisie muttered darkly and the Doctor stifled a grin. “Eleven add nine equals.”

“Great start! So which number do you think we should put on the numberline?”

“Uhhh… eleven?” Maisie asked hopefully.

“Exactly!”

Maisie painstakingly wrote the number eleven on the line that had already been drawn for her.

“Now what do you need to do?”

“Add nine?”

“Yup!”

Maisie picked up her pencil again, frowning in concentration as she drew nine wobbly jumps, saying each number out loud as she did so.”

“So how do we work out the answer?”

“Count the jumps?”

“Yeah.”

Maisie counted.

“Nine?”

“Not quite…”

“See I can’t do it! I’m too stupid!” Maisie shouted, flinging her pencil across the room, and going to stand up, presumably to storm off but the Doctor caught her lightly around the waist.

“Hey, it’s okay that you made a mistake you know. I make mistakes all the time. Let’s fix it together okay?”

Maisie sighed and sank down heavily, landing in the Doctor’s lap dramatically.

“What number do you have here?”

“Eleven.”

“Exactly! You’ve already got eleven so we need to start at eleven. Let’s do it together.”

She took Maisie’s hand and traced them over each jump slowly. “Eleven, twelve… …nineteen, twenty!” they said together and Maisie triumphantly wrote the answer in the box.

“That was awesome Maisie! Let’s do the next one.

Half an hour and one tantrum later they had completed the six questions from Maisie’s maths books and after a custard cream break she agreed to do her reading too.

“If we read it together secretly now, when you read to Yaz later she’ll be so amazed at your fantastic reading!” the Doctor had told her.

One thing the Doctor had learned was that there was nothing more soul destroying than listening to an emerging reader as they painstakingly sounded out each word. Her book was about a duck named Sid who lived in a pond. Although the word duck came up at least twice per page Maisie had to sound it out each and every time and the Doctor could feel her brain beginning to itch and the words on the page started to swim even though she had retrieved her glasses.

“Jane what’s that word?” Maisie whined.

“Huh?”

“That word.” Maisie pointed.

“Word?” the Doctor repeated vacantly.

Maisie frowned at her. “Stop being annoying. What’s the word.”

Somewhere in the recess of the Doctor’s brain she recognised that she wasn’t feeling right but she couldn’t put her finger on it. She should tell Yaz, Yaz would know what to do.”

“Yaz” she mumbled thickly.

“It doesn’t say Yaz Jane.”

“Go wake Yaz.”

“You said we’re not allowed to wake her.”

“Ya…sh”

“Jane you’re scaring me.”

The last thing the Doctor registered before she lost consciousness was Maisie screaming for Yaz.

Yaz woke with a start. Someone was screaming. Who was screaming? It wasn’t the Doctor… Maisie. She sat up quickly, wondering what on earth had happened. Was that Maisie? She sounded terrified. Then Yaz’s phone started to wail in the tone that was reserved for the Doctor’s seizure monitoring bracelet. Yaz jumped out of bed, not pausing for her slippers or dressing gown and raced down to the living room.

The Doctor was on the floor, already in the grips of a seizure. Her whole body was rigid and tense, spasming out of control on the floor. Her wheelchair was over to one side and the right way up so she must have been sitting on the floor with Maisie already. That was good, reduced the chances that she had given herself a head injury too.

Maisie was white as a sheet but, bless her, Yaz realised she had remembered the seizure first aid because she had already put a pillow under the Doctor’s head and had attempted to roll her onto her side.

Yaz dropped to her knees and grabbed the Doctor by her shoulder and hip, rolling her the rest of the way and frowning as a large amount of thick, white drool immediately leaked from her mouth. It was already a worse seizure than the one a few days ago as she was already barely breathing and turning blue around her fingers.

“Doctor, I know you’re scared but you’re okay. But you know what? You’re super lucky ‘cause Maisie is amazing. By the time I got here she had already put a cushion under your head and rolled you onto your side and I am so proud of her right now. But you know what else? Now I'm going to have to ask her to brave again because you’re going blue and that makes me feel worried so I'm going to ask her to go down to our bedroom and get your oxygen mask… Can you do that Maisie?”

Maisie nodded and stood up.

“Do you know where it is?”

“Yeah” she whispered and took off down the hall.

Yaz stroked the Doctor’s arm lightly. “You’re doing great love. Just hang on, I’m right here with you like I always am. Though if you wanted to get me out of bed you could have just set an alarm clock…”

Maisie reappeared, lugging the heavy metal cannister.

“Good girl… you see that button? I need you to turn it so the arrow is pointing at the number six, can you do that?” Yaz asked as she secured the mask on the Doctor’s face.

“Yaz what do we do?” Maisie asked tearfully.

“Come and sit beside me sweetheart… good girl. I know it looks scary but she’s gonna be just fine. You know that, she’ll have a big sleep when it’s over and she’ll be fine. But she can hear you so talk to her and tell her that.”

Maisie sat down on the floor beside Yaz and stared at the Doctor who was jerking violently under Yaz’s hands.

“I love you Jane. Are you scared? I am but Yaz is going to look after you too. She’s good at looking after people. I’m going to read her my book and when you wake up I’ll be really really good at it and I’ll head it to you too okay.”

Yaz smiled as Maisie had a reasonable attempt at a one sided conversation. But she was worried. This was a particularly long seizure, already more than seven minutes and was showing no signs of slowing. It was unusual for her to be struggling to breathe so early on and the mask seemed to be making little impact as she still sounded like her trachea had been cut.

“You’re doing really well Doctor” Yaz spoke as Maisie ran out of things to say. “I know you’re getting tired, but this isn’t going to last much longer. You’re safe. You’re in the living room and Maisie and I are here with you. Maisie has been really brave and I’m so proud of her right now. Just relax, you don’t need to worry, we’re right here with you love. You just keep breathing and we’ve got the rest.”

After what felt like an eternity, the seizure began to slow and stop and finally, the Doctor slumped down, unconscious and exhausted. Yaz fussed over her for a moment, checking her breathing and pulse. There were two heartbeats but her breathing was slow and agonal. Not ideal. She turned up the oxygen to eight.

“Maisie I’m going to take Jane to bed. I want you to stay here or go upstairs and play while I do that. I won’t be very long.”

“I can help you.”

“I know you can sweetheart but it’s one of those things that’s private.”

“Please Yaz? I have to help her” Maisie begged.

Yaz sighed. It was hard to balance both their needs when the Doctor was sick. “I need to help Jane into clean pyjamas. That part is private but if you wait down here while I do that then you can help me tuck her in okay?”

Maisie considered for a moment and finally nodded reluctantly, allowing Yaz to scoop the Doctor off the floor and carry her to bed.

In the bedroom Yaz was efficient and soon had the Doctor cleaned up and dressed in a clean pair of baby blue pyjamas decorated with bananas. She was flat on her back but Yaz wanted her on her side and, as promised, she called Maisie to help.

Maisie came as soon as she was called and Yaz strongly suspected she had been waiting outside the door.

“I brought her wheelchair in case she wants to get up.” Maisie explained shyly, pushing the Doctor’s chair in front of her.

“That was kind of you… Now Jane finds it easier to breathe when she is on her side so I’m going to roll her and I want you to tuck some of those pillows behind her back for me okay?”

Maisie nodded and Yaz gently rolled the Doctor onto her right side, talking Maisie though the placement of the pillows.

“Good girl, now put one here under her leg… that’s it.” Yaz rolled the Doctor back so she was leaning against them. “Now we’re going to put one here under her arm.” Yaz directed. Maisie was being so gentle as she lifted the Doctor’s arm and placed a pillow underneath it.

“Now what do we do Yaz?”

“We just have to let her sleep sweetheart. When she has a seizure it makes her very tired so she needs a lot of rest. I’m really proud of how you helped her today. And I know Jane will be too when she wakes up. It was a very brave thing that you did.”

“Yaz, can I read you my book now? I want to get really good at it for when Jane wakes up.”

“Of course you can. I have a special monitor I use when Jane is poorly so I can see her, let’s get it set up and then we can read together.”

Yaz quickly set up the monitor beside the bed and brought the receiver down to the living room. She cleaned up the mess on the floor and sat on the sofa, Maisie instantly joining her. She was still pale and shaky and Yaz drew her in close.

“Yaz, is Jane going to die?”

Yaz swallowed, unsure of how to answer for the best. Especially because she didn’t know the answer. The Doctor’s health was thoroughly unpredictable and her seizures were dangerous. Any one of them had the potential for her to stop breathing.

“Not today and I hope not for a long time. But Jane’s seizures, they could mean she stops breathing and if that happens I might be able to help her start again but I might not.” Yaz answered honestly.

“What happens if she dies?” Maisie whispered.

Yaz closed her eyes for a moment. The conversation was taking a turn that she really didn’t want to contemplate. “Then you’ll feel very sad for a while. It’ll hurt when you think about her or when you do things you know Jane liked doing. But after a while you’ll like thinking about her and thinking about the things you two like to do together.”

“I don’t want her to die Yaz.”

“Me neither Maisie. I love her too much.”

“Can we still be friends even if she dies.”

“Maisie, I promise I will always be your friend no matter what happens okay? Even if Jane dies or if something else bad happens then I’m still your friend and I’m still going to help you and watch movies with you and give you cuddles and talk to you okay?”

Maisie nodded, quietly thinking. “Can't you make them stop?” she asked after a minute.

“The seizures? I wish I could Maisie. They’re horrible for her but they’re horrible for me too and anyone else who sees them, they’re scary. Jane has a special doctor called Doctor Jones but she can't make them stop either so instead we just have to look after her the best we can.”

“When she has a seizure does it hurt her?”

“It doesn’t hurt really but its not very comfortable. You know when you go swimming and the next day your muscles are a bit sore? It’s like that because all the muscles in her body work really hard in a seizure and become super tired.”

“Oh… Yaz? I don’t want to do my reading right now.”

“That’s fine sweetheart, we can read together later. How about you come with me to check on Jane and then we’ll make some sandwiches and watch a movie. How does that sound?”

Maisie and Yaz spent most of the day together quietly. They watched Tangled, baked some chocolate cupcakes to share with the Doctor when she woke up, checked on the Doctor periodically and Yaz read to her a couple of times. After dinner Maisie spent ages drawing the Doctor a ‘Get Well Soon card which she decorated with a picture of the Doctor in her wheelchair and herself sitting in the Doctor’s lap in a garden full of flowers and lots of wobbly kisses. But overall Maisie was quiet and lifeless, she had been badly frightened by the seizure and she kept sneaking into the bedroom under the guise of washing her hands. Yaz let her do it, if that was the reassurance she needed then so be it.

As the evening drew on Yaz became increasingly concerned that the Doctor hadn’t woken of her own accord. She had been asleep for the best part of eleven hours, a long time for her after a seizure but also a long time since she had had something to drink or eat. Yaz had already catheterised her twice but now she was going to need water if she wasn’t to become dangerously dehydrated as well. She reluctantly fished a syringe out of the drawer which hadn’t been used since the Doctor had been sick with the brain infection. She also put in a call to her mum, she was probably going to need help in the morning.

Yaz didn’t expect to sleep well but she set her alarm to go off every hour in the night to check on the Doctor just in case. Shortly after six, Yaz gave up on more sleep and she slipped quietly out of bed, heading for the shower. The Doctor still hadn’t moved. Well… she was on her other side now, facing Yaz’s side of the bed but that was only because Yaz had positioned her like that before she had gone to sleep. In fact, Yaz hadn’t seen her have any voluntary movement at all since before the seizure which was not a promising sign.

“Hey, you’re awake” Yaz greeted softly half an hour later, noticing that the Doctor’s eyes were open. She was very relieved. She was dressed and sitting on the edge of their bed putting on her socks which she had forgotten to take to the bathroom with her.

The Doctor’s eyes were open and she stared at Yaz over the oxygen mask blinking hard. Yaz turned round to face her properly and gently took her hand.

The Doctor had been wheezing most of the night and Yaz was reluctant to leave her without oxygen support so she swapped her mask for her nasal cannula instead. The Doctor watched what she was doing but, worryingly made no comment or any effort to move.

“You with me love?”

The Doctor stared at her blankly. It was hard to tell what, if anything, she was taking in.

“Doctor, focus okay? Can you hear me?”

The Doctor mumbled something incoherent, drooling a little as she did so and Yaz wiped her mouth for her.

“Can you squeeze my hands for me Doctor?... Doctor, squeeze my hands for me.”

There was no response.

“Okay love, I don’t think you’re quite out of the postictal stage yet. I'm going to turn you and let you get a little more sleep. I’ll come down and check on you in a bit.

Yaz put the full oxygen mask back on for the Doctor, feeling increasingly concerned. She had never been postictal for this long before. The Doctor didn’t even flinch as Yaz rolled her which was unusual. Usually when she was like this being touched and moved caused her a lot of pain so to have her not react to it… well it wasn’t good.

Yaz turned the monitor back on and went down to the kitchen where she fed Lilah and sank down into a chair. She was relieved Maisie wasn’t up yet as she promptly burst into tears. She had been doing so well, even when the two of them had the flu and she’d had a relatively minor seizure a few days before but this was no minor seizure and the potential to knock her out for days.

“Yaz sweetheart, what’s the matter?”

Yaz jumped as Najia appeared in the kitchen, she hadn’t even heard her arrive. Yaz leaned into her mums hug and explained about the massive seizure the Doctor had had the night before and how upset and frightened Maisie had been while Najia held her close.

“What can I do to help?”

“I’m going to go and check on her in a little bit. Maisie is being collected for her swimming just after nine so I’ll get her up then if she’s up to it. If she says it’s okay, are you still up for starting to learn how to do some of her care? I don’t think she’ll manage on her own this morning.”

“I think so. I’m a bit nervous though” Najia admitted.

Two hours later, when Maisie had gone to her swimming lesson with Lily, Yaz and Najia went down the bedroom. The Doctor seemed to have woken up properly this time and she tracked with her eyes as she walked over to the bed but made no effort to move or speak to her.

“Can we swap your mask for the cannula?” Yaz asked.

The Doctor nodded and Yaz could have cried with relief. A response. And not just a response, but one that showed she had understanding.

“Can you speak to me?”

The Doctor took a breath and she tried. She really did but the words got lost somewhere between her brain and her mouth and all that came out was a lot of dribble. She looked down at the tissue Yaz pressed into her hand and she stared at it. She knew what it was for and yet she didn’t know what to do with it. She frowned in confusion.

“Doctor… Doctor look at me. I know you’re frightened and this isn’t nice but it’s just a seizure hangover okay? That was a massive seizure you had yesterday, easily amongst the worst ones you’ve had and you’ve been postictal for about twenty hours. I'm not surprised you’re having a few issues right now. Give yourself time and rest and you’ll be okay… do you want to stay in bed or get up?”

The Doctor tried to answer Yaz but again with the dribbling and she blushed, mortified at how her body was behaving again and she stared resolutely at the door while Yaz wiped her mouth for her.

“We can get you up, it’s not a problem but I think this might be a Beast kind of day. Do you remember we talked about mum learning how to do some of this stuff for you? Is it okay if we do that today?”

The Doctor thought. She really didn’t want to. Having to be cared for like a baby was humiliating enough when Yaz did it… but Yaz’s mum? Najia was always kind and non-judgemental but that didn’t mean she wanted her doing some of the most intimate tasks for her. She didn’t want any of them doing to her and she would have been perfectly happy to lie where she was until the seizure hangover wore off but she knew Yaz wouldn’t allow it and she was right… it wasn’t good to lie in bed in the same pyjamas potentially for days. And on the other hand, it would give Yaz a break if someone else were able to do it. But it was just so much touching…

“Doctor?” Yaz was tapping her shoulder, forcing her back to reality. “Is that okay?”

The Doctor nodded reluctantly. It had sounded fine when they had discussed it but now it was here…

“Okay, I’m going to go and get the Beast from the garage and your shower cradle. We’ll be right back.

We? Who else was there, she tried to lift her head to look but the muscles in her neck spasmed and her head dropped back onto the pillows. She could only assume Najia had been in the room.

Yaz showed her mum where the wheelchair and cradle were kept. “Do you have any questions you want to ask before we go back in there?”

“I should have but I can't think of any. Any general advice?”

“Relax mum. Remember she is way more embarrassed than you are, it’s very difficult for her to accept care at all and she’s never had it from anyone except me so this is a huge step for her. She’s in a lot of pain when she’s like this so that’s something you need to bear in mind. There’s nothing you can do about that and you are going to make it worse but firm touches are better than light ones because of the way her nervous system has been damaged, it perceives light touches as a painful stimuli. And don’t talk about her like she’s not there. Make the effort to communicate with her directly, even if she can't speak.”

Yaz pushed the beast and Najia followed behind with the shower cradle back to the bedroom. She parked the wheelchair in the corner and directed Najia to the bed.

“Morning sweetheart” Najia greeted, trying to keep the nerves out of her voice. “Thanks for letting me help you out this morning, I know you’re probably as nervous about this as I am.”

Yaz smiled as her mum chatted. That was helpful. She was good at maintaining a one-sided conversation when the Doctor was non-verbal but lots of people couldn’t manage it.

“Lucky for both of you I did a catheter an hour ago so we can skip that step. Doctor, I don’t want you to think I'm talking about you like you’re not here. If you think I'm missing something out or you have something to add interrupt me okay?”

The Doctor gave a jerky nod, she was still watching Najia warily.

“Okay, the first thing we need to do is lie the Doctor flat in bed so we can transfer her to the shower cradle. Start at the bottom… put your left hand on her hip and pull the pillows out, now move your hand up and support the middle of her back and again to her shoulder… and they’re out so you can roll her onto her back. Okay sometimes when the Doctor is like this she can still hold her own head up but other times she can't. We’ve already seen today that she can't so you need to slide your left arm under her neck and support her neck and shoulders, lift slightly and you can pull the pillow out with your right hand… And you can also take the night splints off her hands. They’re there to stop the contractures becoming too severe, they’re just Velcro.”

Yaz showed Najia how to position the shower cradle flat beside the bed and how to slide the Doctor across to it without lifting her. It was something new they had since they had moved to the new house as having everything on one level and enough space to actually work meant that they could make more use of adaptive devices. It was similar to a shower chair but like the Beast it could be tilted and reclined as needed so they could place it flat against the bed and simply slide the Doctor from one surface to another without having to lift her.

Yaz showed them through to the bathroom where Najia learned about brushing someone else’s teeth and how to shower them. The Doctor cried the entire time she was in the shower and Yaz’s attempts to comfort her sadly made little difference.

“We can stop you know. If you want me to take over I can, it’s not a problem.”

The Doctor shook her head. She did want Yaz to do it, she couldn’t believe someone else was touching her like that even if it was only Najia and she had given her permission, it was just so… everything… but she couldn’t articulate that to Yaz so she cried harder. Najia was getting worried and looked to Yaz for reassurance.

“Keep going mum unless the Doctor asks you to stop. Doctor look at me, I’m going to hold your hand and I want you to keep looking at me okay?”

The Doctor nodded, letting out a soft sigh of relief when she felt Yaz’s familiar hand in her own and longing for Yaz to hold her properly in the way that only she did which always made her feel warm and safe and comfortable.

“Doctor do you want to wash your hair today?” Najia asked tentatively.

The Doctor shook her head.

“I think that’s enough” Yaz agreed kindly. “Cover her up with a towel. It’ll keep her warm and keep her modesty and we’re going to go back into the bedroom to get dressed because it’s warmer in there.”

Najia carefully wheeled the Doctor back in and under Yaz’s instructions she laid a couple of towels down on the bed and slid her across to lie on them while keeping her covered with the same one from the bathroom.

“Pants and trousers are easiest done in bed but bras and tops are easier in your wheelchair, right Doctor?” Yaz asked, relieved when the Doctor offered a small smile through the oxygen mask in response.

“Put her leg through her pants first and bring them up until they get to her stump and then put her right leg in too… now do the same with her trousers… okay now you need to roll her. Pull her towards you first with one hand on her shoulder and the other on her hip, that’s it… no pull the pants and trousers up as high as you can… now let her relax on the bed and repeat the process on the other side… and again until they’re all the way up” Yaz instructed. She stayed where she was, holding the Doctor’s hand and staying in her line of sight as much as she could. Lilah wandered in at one point but quickly walked back out with her tail in the air when she saw how much activity was going on in the room.

“Great. Now we need to transfer you across to your wheelchair. I think you still need the oxygen for right now Doctor, what do you think?”

The Doctor nodded again. She wasn’t sure why but her chest felt so… tight and crackly today like she couldn’t quite draw breath. But her pulmonary tubes were a muscle like any other and had clearly been caught up in the hangover that was affecting the rest of her muscles.

Najia was a little more confident the second time as she transferred the Doctor across into her wheelchair.

“Make sure her bottom is all the way back in the seat and she’s sitting up straight” Yaz instructed. “It’s important her clothes are free of wrinkles too, otherwise she can get pressure sores because she’s so immobile and they really suck don’t they?”

The Doctor nodded in agreement. The last full blown pressure sore she’d had had sent her body haywire and caused seven seizures in two days.

Yaz showed her mum how to fasten the lap belt and make sure it was snug and secure.

“Okay, you need to thread the Doctor’s arms into her bra… now you’re going to lean her forward. You need to stand as close as you can and rest her chin on your shoulder… that’s it, now you can fasten the bra… lean her back. It’s similar for her tops. Start with the compression vest, we’ll do it on its own and then do her under shirt and t-shirt as one. Put her head through the undershirt… now her arms… and lean forwards again so you can pull it down.

Najia followed the instructions carefully, layering the Doctor in the three items before fastening a complicated harness to keep her secure and putting a fluffy sock and a slipper on the Doctor’s foot and strapping it in too.

“Remember that you need to check if the Doctor is comfortable mum” Yaz reminded her. “If you put her in a position that’s uncomfortable she can't just fidget to fix it. Lift her head and settle it properly against her headrest… Doctor, do you want your hands strapped in?”

The Doctor scrunched her face. She hated having her hands strapped with a passion but they were full of pins and needles and strapping them in was usually a good cure for that. She nodded miserably. Not like her morning could get any more humiliating.

Yaz showed Najia how to position the Doctor’s arms into a neutral position and strap them gently into place. Last job was tying her scarf and having a quick tidy up before they went down to get some breakfast. Najia had fed the Doctor once before, when she had broken her collar bone, but she was unprepared for just how much food the Doctor could lose out of her mouth. After a few mouthfuls the Doctor was frustrated and in tears again as she had managed to swallow almost none of the bowl of porridge Yaz had made. Yaz took over, showing her mum how to put the soft spoon into the right side of the Doctor’s mouth where there was significantly less damage. It wouldn’t stop the food from falling out entirely but it did reduce the amount significantly.

When the Doctor had finished eating Najia offered to wash up and Yaz took the Doctor through to the living room for a few minutes of privacy before Maisie got back.

“I’m proud of you, I know that was really hard for you.” She gently wiped the Doctor’s face where it was a sticky, teary, slightly porridgey mess.

The Doctor tried to reply but even though they had swapped her full face mask for the nasal cannula so she could eat her words were still getting stuck.

“Don’t worry about it love. You can tell me later. This never keeps you down for too long.”

The Doctor groaned in response, wishing she could move one small part of herself to let out her frustrations and Yaz hugged her as best she could.

“Maisie’s going to be back in a little while. We were supposed to be taking her to that thing at the museum, what do you want to do. Do you want to stay here?”

The Doctor considered. She had been looking forward to it, it was a small, local museum which was quiet and very child friendly with lots of activities suitable for kids and she knew Maisie would enjoy it but on the other hand she really didn’t feel like going out. But she had made Maisie a promise…” She shook her head.

“You want to go?” Yaz confirmed, surprised.

The Doctor nodded.

Yaz smiled at her. “Then we’ll go. Is it okay if I ask mum to come?”

The Doctor nodded again though this time she was interrupted by Maisie arriving back noisily and going straight into the kitchen.

“I’ll just go and see Maisie, I’ll be right back.”

The Doctor let her go, she knew Yaz would be prepping Maisie as to the state she had woken up in. She had said she would go out with Maisie but there was every possibility Maisie wouldn’t want to go out with her like this. It wasn’t like she was much fun.

“Yaz!” Maisie greeted, hugging her tightly around the waist. “Is Jane awake? Is she better? Where is she?” she babbled at a hundred miles away.

“Whoa, slow down sweetheart. Yes she is awake but she’s not having a very good day. She can hear you and understand you but she can't talk to you right now. And she can't move her body very well so she’s using her fancy wheelchair today.”

“Why?”

“Because her body is really tired from yesterday. It was a really big and scary seizure and she’s not better yet. Do you wanna go and say hi? She’s in the living room.”

Maisie nodded uncertainly and she slipped her hand into Yaz’s walking half hidden behind her into the living room.

The Doctor smiled at her warmly but Maisie just looked frightened. She tried not to show it but internally the Doctor was devastated. The very last thing she wanted was to upset Maisie more than she already was.

“Maisie why don’t you tell Jane about your swimming lesson.” Yaz prompted.

Maisie turned on her heels and ran from the room.

Yaz watched as the Doctor’s face crumpled, dithering about who to comfort first and who needed it more. She reached out to hug the Doctor but before she did Maisie had reappeared.

“I made you a card” she whispered shyly, holding it out for the Doctor to take.

“Maisie why don’t you hold it up and show her? Jane can't really move her body right now.”

Maisie stepped forward looking nervous but she showed the Doctor the drawing she had done. By the time she had done that and told her about her swimming lesson Maisie had gained a little bit more confidence again.

“Can we play snakes and ladders until lunchtime Jane? I could be on your team and then we could play with Yaz and Najia and I could help you roll the dice.”

The Doctor smiled at her and nodded. She could manage that and she allowed Yaz to push her through to the kitchen while Maisie skipped ahead with the game. She was already sorting out the pieces by the time Yaz had carefully positioned the Doctor’s wheelchair in her usual spot

They never did make it to the museum. By the time she had eaten lunch the Doctor had been so exhausted she had fallen asleep at the table and Yaz had taken her through to the living room where the fire was lit though she kept her well away from it seeing as she still had her nasal cannula in her nose.

Maisie had not only refused to go out without her but had also refused to leave her side. Instead she and Yaz had spent the afternoon reading quietly, playing snakes and ladders, ludo and the worlds quietest game of snap or drawing pictures on the living room coffee table.

When she had woken up the Doctor had initially been annoyed that they hadn’t gone out without her but Maisie had pointed out several times they could go the next time she was with them for the weekend which placated her somewhat.

When the Doctor woke up, they were all relieved that the Doctor was able to speak a little – thick, mumbling and slurred the words may have been but they were definitely words and Maisie took it upon herself to put the Doctor’s glasses gently on her face for her and read her her reading book from school.

“Tha… …wa…s… gr…ea…t” the Doctor told her eventually.

By the time Carole had arrived to pick Maisie up, the little girl had calmed down a lot and seemed to have recovered from her fright the day before. She said goodbye nicely to everyone – hugging Yaz and Najia and settling for a gentle squeeze of the Doctor’s hand instead of a hug. The Doctor was proud of her, the seizure must have been very unsettling for her to witness but she was finally learning about some of the boundaries they had had to put in place.

_3 days later_

“Just got sent this from Carole” Yaz told the Doctor. She had finally recovered from the seizure, just about, and was sitting in her regular wheelchair in the kitchen, eating one of the stale chocolate cupcakes Yaz and Maisie had made on Saturday afternoon.

“What is it?”

“She had to write a diary entry about her weekend for her homework and she wrote about us.”

The Doctor squinted at the letter. The spelling was terrible and the handwriting was atrocious but it was filled with so much love she almost cried. 

_Dear Diary_

_This weekend I went to stay with Jane and Yaz. They are my friends and they look after me sometimes. On Saturday Jane was poorly. She had a seizure. This is because her brain got sick. When Jane has a seizure it’s scary because she can't talk to you and her body does lots of shaking and she makes funny noises but me and Yaz looked after her. Then she had a big sleep. On Sunday Jane was still poorly. She couldn’t talk or move so Yaz helped her lots. I helped her too. We played games and Jane was on my team. I want to be a doctor when I grow up. Then I can find a cure for seizures because they're horrible and I don’t want people to have them any more._

“She really was amazing with you, you know.” Yaz told her softly. “By the time your bracelet alerted me to the seizure she was already calling for me but she had remembered to put a cushion under your head and she’d made a really good effort to get you on your side.”

“I can't believe I gave her such a fright. It just came out of nowhere.”

“It’s going to happen. But she’s seen three now and now that she’s actively participated in helping during one and seen it as bad as it gets I don’t think she’ll be so scared again.”

“I hope she doesn’t have to see one again.”

“Nice as that would be Doctor it’s probably not going to happen. They’re pretty regular and she’s here a lot. We’ve just got to be honest with her.”

“I know, I’m looking forward to taking her out later though. She deserves it.”

They had agreed with Carole to meet Maisie after school as a surprise and take her for dinner before dropping her off home seeing as she had spent the whole weekend sitting quietly and had been so incredibly well behaved during a very difficult and stressful time. Plus, the Doctor needed her to see that although the setbacks were scary, they were setbacks and not permanent.

“Me too.” Yaz kissed her. “But let’s get a shift on if you want to have a walk before we go out yeah?”

“Slavedriver” the Doctor muttered at her.

“You love me for it.”

“Yeah you’re right, I do.”


	88. Chapter 88

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be careful reading this one. Contents warnings for serious mental health problems, flashbacks, mental breakdown, a psychotic break and force feeding. If you're worried, leave me a message in the comments and I'll get back to you or add me on Discord - anobii#8042
> 
> I'm super nervous with this one, don't hate me for what's about to happen.
> 
> "Everything will be all right in the end. If it's not all right, then it's not the end."

“I still can't believe you volunteered us to do this” Yaz muttered as she fished her penguin jumper out of the back of the wardrobe. “Aren’t you going to wear a Christmas jumper?”

“I don’t have a Christmas jumper.”

“Why don’t you have a Christmas jumper?”

“You’re Muslim, couldn’t I be asking you why you do have one?”

“Because I live in a country obsessed with Christmas… and Ryan bought it for me.”

“Well we have to leave in an hour and we’re not going shopping so what do you want me to do?”

“I don’t know. Wrap some tinsel around you or something.”

The Doctor rolled her eyes and left the bedroom, shaking out her hand which sent a spasm up the right side of her body as she did so.

Yaz changed out of her blouse and put on the gaudy icy blue jumper decorated with cartoon penguins along with her jeans and a pair of boots before heading down to the kitchen. She was definitely going to need coffee for this.

“You want tea?” she shouted to the Doctor who she could hear in the living room.

“Yes please.”

Yaz busied herself with the kettle and rummaged in the cupboard for some mince pies. She burst out laughing when she turned round and saw the Doctor who had appeared behind her. Except she had taken the fairy lights and tinsel that had been decorating the fireplace and had used them to decorate her wheelchair.

“What the heck did you do?”

“Too much?”

“It’s a kids Christmas disco Doctor. Don’t think there’s such a thing as too much… I’m just trying to work out how you’ve gone from the dignity of using your crutches for the first time today to this.”

“Not very successfully.”

“You didn’t collapse on us. You managed a few steps. I’d call that very successful.”

“Only because you and Ryan were holding me up.”

“We weren’t really, mostly we were there for my benefit. You know how much I love to worry.”

The Doctor rolled her eyes affectionately.

“Anyway, what on earth possessed you to volunteer us to chaperone?” Yaz asked.

“Technically I volunteered me to chaperone. You don’t have to come.”

“A not big enough room with a lot of loud, over excited children, loud music, disco lights and way too much stimulation. I'm going for you.”

The Doctor bristled, offended. But Yaz was probably right.

“Hey, you’re my priority. It make me really happy that you volunteer for stuff like this now, but I need to know you’re safe too.”

“Yeah I know. I’ll be fine Yaz.”

“I have no doubt. Humour me anyway.”

Yaz slid the Doctor’s tea across the table to her along with a mince pie.

“Please don’t think that I don’t trust you Doctor because I do. I trust you with my life. But you’re health is very unstable and there are a lot of potential triggers in that situation and I just need to know that you’re safe.”

“I know. I just… we’re two years into living with PTSD, I thought it would be… I don’t know… less now.”

Yaz clasped her hand. “It _is_ less now. Doctor, you spent months unable to leave the house without a panic attack. You had mood swings every five minutes. Even your nightmares are under control now.”

The Doctor snorted.

“They _are_ Doctor. They’ve gone from every night, sometimes multiple times per night to once a week or so. There were times I never thought we would get this far. I spent days at a time just holding you tight because it was the only way to keep you even vaguely calm.”

Yaz moved and sat beside the Doctor, pulling her in close.

“I am _so_ proud of you. You’ve worked so hard and come so incredibly far and I think you can do anything you want to do because I think you know your limits and you know how to put safeguards in place to keep yourself safe and I will keep doing everything I can to help you because despite everything you have kept going, even when it’s been incredibly hard.”

The Doctor rested her head on Yaz’s shoulder.

“I wish it wasn’t so hard.”

Yaz stroked her hand down the Doctor’s arm.

“I know love. I wish it wasn’t so hard for you too. You don’t deserve this. No one deserves to go through what you’ve been through but we can't change it, we just learn to live with it. And we are.”

“You keep saying we.”

“Of course I do. You don’t think for a single second I'm going to leave you alone to deal with this Doctor do you? When you turned up in my garden I had two choices. I could have held you close and done my best to comfort you while you died, right there on my sofa and I don’t think it would have taken long. Or I could take you upstairs and do everything in my power to try and save your life. And obviously then I had no real idea of what to come but I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again. I have not once regretted the decision to save your life.”

“I don’t regret it either Yaz. I know I haven’t always said that to you but the thought of you got me through that place and everyday I wake up I am so relieved that you’re in the bed beside me.”

An hour later the Doctor and Yaz were signing in to the office in Maisie’s primary school ready to help out at the end of term disco. Even though it wasn’t the end of term, or at least not quite. There was still another full week of classes left for Maisie and then another five days on top of that before Christmas, not that that had made much difference to the excitement levels of the kids. The disco wasn’t even due to start for another half hour and there were already kids hanging around outside excitedly.

“Doctor Smith, Miss Khan!” called Miss Doherty, Maisie’s teacher. “Thank-you again for volunteering to help out.”

“Not at all.”

“So what we need tonight is pretty simple. This disco is all of Key Stage Two and we’re expecting a high turnout of about two hundred kids. There will be a disco first, each child will be issued with a wristband when they arrive which they can exchange for a drink and a packet of crisps at any point during that time. At seven or so we’ll be quietening them down and Santa will be arriving with a small gift for each child. You’re both floating on the floor so feel free to dance and have fun with the kids, encourage the shy ones to get involved, remind them where the toilets are and where they can get first aid, alert the clean up crew to any spills and direct any discipline to a member of staff. Any questions?”

Yaz glanced at the Doctor. “No, we’re good.”

“Great, go on into the hall then. We’ll be opening the doors in about ten minutes. Get yourself familiar with the set up… oh and there’s an accessible toilet just down that hall on the right if you need it. Otherwise feel free to use the staff one. And if you need a tea break there’s facilities in the staff room.”

“Is everyone getting offers of tea in the staff room?” the Doctor asked as Miss Doherty disappeared.

“Don’t know. I didn’t say anything to her, but Maisie wrote that homework about your seizure three weeks ago and she wrote that essay about you in Year Five, she could have written or spoken about you dozens of times. Or it could be something they’re offering to everyone. Don’t read so much into it. If it’s for everyone then that’s fine, if it’s just something being offered to you then I think it’s a nice gesture to make sure you feel safe at what will be a difficult night for you.”

“I’ll be fine Yaz.”

“I have complete faith that you’ll be fine but I still think you’ll find it hard. And I think that you’ll still do it to support Maisie means you’re amazing and kind and incredibly dedicated to that little girl, she has no idea how lucky she is to have you in her life.”

“We’re letting the kids in, battle stations everyone!” called the Deputy.

The teacher who had been assigned DJ duty started up the music, something Yaz vaguely recognised from the radio, and suddenly the room was swamped by excited pre-teens who were managing to make a colossal amount of noise.

“Deep breath, here we go.”

“Yaaaz!” came a shout from the crowd. “Jaaaaannnneeee!” Yaz laughed as Maisie barrelled towards them. She launched herself at Yaz who, anticipating the move had braced herself against it and tackled her in a bear hug before moving to the Doctor. “Hug?” she asked.

The Doctor laughed. “Course Maisie Bug!”

Maisie wrapped her arms around the Doctor tightly.

“I love you” she whispered.

“I love you too Maisie. Now go have fun with your friends.”

Maisie skipped off happily, shrieking Lily’s name who she had just seen arrive through the assembly hall doors.

The Doctor let out a shaky breath and shook her hands out, smiling up at Yaz when she felt her hand on her shoulder.

“I’m fine, I promise.”

“I know you are. I love you.”

“Love you too… shall we?”

The Doctor and Yaz started patrolling the edge of the assembly hall, the Doctor ignoring the blatant stares from some of the kids. Yaz was great with them, encouraging the shyer ones to get up and dance and calming down some of the more boisterous ones. They both danced enthusiastically with some of the more reluctant kids, the Doctor was surprised that a couple of the kids seemed happy enough to dance with her and she was fairly sure it was the novelty of her wheelchair. Whereas Yaz happily held both hands with kids, the Doctor kept one firmly on her wheels at all times – she really didn’t need an overly enthusiastic eleven year old pushing her into an unsuspecting group of kids dancing behind her accidentally.

At bang on seven, the music stopped and the teachers started corralling the kids into their classes and sitting them in rows, exactly how Yaz remembered from her own primary school days. She and the Doctor hastily helped pick up some of the rubbish from the floor so there was space for the kids to sit down.

“Where’s Maisie?” the Doctor whispered as the lights went down again.

Yaz scanned the back of the hall where the other Year Six children were sitting. Maisie wasn’t amongst them.

“I don’t know, give her a minute, she might have gone to the bathroom.” Yaz said calmly but internally she was anxious. Maisie had a lot of problems and had been known to run off though she wouldn’t be able to leave the school.

“Doctor Smith, Miss Khan?” called Maisie’s teacher. “Can I have a word?”

“We’re a bit worried we can't see Maisie…”

“She’s in the heads office.”

Yaz and the Doctor exchanged a look. That wasn’t good. They followed Miss Doherty down the corridor. There were a group of eight children sitting outside the office, one of whom had a bloody nose, and a second who had a scratch above his eye. Maisie wasn’t there.

Miss Doherty showed them into the office where the head was sitting at her desk looking stern. Maisie was sitting on a chair staring at the floor, her cheeks flushed and her tiny frame not allowing her feet to touch the floor. Miss Doherty leaned against the wall and the head indicated Yaz to sit. She did, moving her chair over to allow the Doctor space to sit between herself and Maisie.

“Maisie do you want to tell Yaz and Jane what’s happened?”

Maisie stared stubbornly at her shoes and said nothing. Her arms were crossed and she was scowling.

“Maisie decided to attack some children in her class. We have a black eye, a bloody nose and a scratch on a third child’s face as well as several slaps and thumps. While I don’t necessarily believe I'm being told the full story, Maisie has been given ample opportunity to tell her side of the story which she has refused to do. As such I am sending Maisie home and she should consider herself very lucky that she has not been suspended.”

The head’s voice was stern and Yaz felt herself squirming like it was her in trouble.

“We can talk about this at home. Thank-you for not suspending her. Let’s go Maisie.” Yaz kept her voice calm and held out her hand for Maisie to take. Maisie ignored her and stomped out of the office.

“I’ll show you out” Miss Doherty offered politely.

“Are you gonna yell at me?” Maisie asked warily as Yaz checked her seatbelt a few minutes later.

“No. We’re going to go home, make supper and then we have a conversation. Jane and I don’t shout, you know that. We don’t think it helps and it makes Jane feel frightened.”

“Why?”

“It makes her remember when she was being hurt and that makes her worried.”

“Oh.”

By the time they got home Maisie appeared, on the surface at least, to have calmed down and Yaz excused herself to the bathroom while the Doctor took her into the kitchen to make supper.

“Jane can I have toast and honey? Pleeeassssseeee? And hot chocolate?”

“Sure Maisie. Can you get the honey out of the cupboard and I’ll make your drink?”

Maisie rummaged in the cupboard where she knew the honey was kept. She stayed with Yaz and the Doctor one weekend a month and part of each school holidays and knew where things were kept.

“Jane why do you keep everything in the low down cupboards? Carole and Paul and Lily and my daddy keep things up high.”

“Because I can't reach things in high up cupboards so Yaz and I put things I need most often low down and if I need something from high up then she can pass it to me.”

“Oh” Maisie said quietly but her body had stiffened, like the Doctor had said the wrong thing.

“Are you alright Maisie?”

Maisie left out a dramatic sigh. “Yeah” she huffed, not turning round from the cupboard.

The Doctor concentrated on making the toast and hot chocolate. Her had started still shaking traitorously and as usual her brain couldn’t focus on both tasks at the same time, simple as they were. She made the hot chocolate first, proud of herself for not spilling any of the milk, and carefully brought it over to the table from the microwave. It was far too hot to drink and she put it in the middle of the table where it wouldn’t cause any accidents. She put the bread in the toaster and when it popped, transferred it to a plate and slid it across to the table to Maisie.

“Open the honey. It’s stuck.” Maisie grunted angrily, holding it out.

“I can't Maisie, sorry. My hands don’t work well enough to open tricky jars. But Yaz will only be a minute and she can help you, she’s great at opening jars!”

It was like a switch had been flicked. Instantly Maisie’s whole demeanour changed and her face contorted with rage. Unconsciously the Doctor pushed herself back from the table a little.

“WHY CAN'T YOU FUCKING DO ANYTHING‽” Maisie screamed, and the jar of honey that was still in her hand was suddenly launched at the Doctor which she just managed to dodge. It smashed on the floor and sticky honey and glass exploded everywhere.

“Maisie, calm down.” The Doctor said soothingly but internally she was anxious. Maisie was blocking her only exit. Eleven years old she might be, but she was rapidly losing control and she had already hurt both of her foster parents.

“YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! YOU’RE NOT MY MUM!”

The ceramic plate of toast was next and it hit the Doctor’s wheelchair, breaking into several pieces, some of which fell to the floor, others landing in her lap.

“Maisie, don’t throw that” the Doctor warned desperately as Maisie picked up the mug of hot chocolate.

But Maisie was beyond being reasoned with and she hurled the mug with all her might at the Doctor. The cup shattered as soon as it made contact with the Doctor’s shoulder, the scalding liquid drenching her neck, chest and legs.

The instant the hot chocolate touched her skin the Doctor froze. Her brain was buzzing loudly and it was like the world was sliding sideways. The colours were too bright but she couldn’t make anything out and the noise in her head… it hurt. Why was she hurting? Who was screaming? She groaned, it was too loud and too much. She just wanted to make it stop.

“I HATE YOU! YOU’RE A FUCKING CRIPPLED DYKE AND I HATE YOU! YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING! YOU’RE PATHETIC AND STUPID AND RETARDED AND I HATE YOU!”

Yaz heard the screaming from the bathroom and without pausing for breath she ran down the hallway just in time to see Maisie physically attacking the Doctor who was cowering on the floor. How she had ended up on the floor Yaz wasn’t entirely sure though her wheelchair was tipped so it probably hadn’t been a deliberate move.

Maisie was screaming as she clawed at the Doctor’s face. She had already pulled the Doctor’s scarf off, but it was stuck around the Doctor’s neck. 

Yaz didn’t hesitate and put her police training to good use as she wrapped her arms tightly around Maisie, effectively wrapping her in a bear hug and pulled her away from the Doctor. Maisie kicked and spat, struggling against Yaz’s hold. She caught the Doctor at least once with her foot before Yaz dragged her off of her as she struggled futilely against the hold.

Yaz ignored the pain of the kicks that made their way to her own shins as she sank to the floor, taking Maisie with her.

“Maisie, it’s Yaz. I'm not going to hurt you but I need you to calm down. I can't let you go because I'm worried you’re going to hurt someone.”

Yaz looked over at the Doctor. There was blood mixed with everything else but Yaz couldn’t see where it was coming from. She was curled into as tight a ball as her damaged body would allow, protecting her head and shaking like a leaf, groaning loudly to herself. Yaz knew there was no point in talking to her until she could get close, she wouldn’t register it yet and she couldn’t deal with her until she had Maisie under control.

Yaz paid for her moment of distraction as Maisie used the opportunity to sink her teeth into the back of her hand.

“FUCKING LET GO OF ME YOU BASTARD!” Maisie howled.

“Maisie I will let go of you as soon as you’re calm. We don’t need anyone else hurt. You’re safe here and you always will be, so I need you to calm down sweetheart.”

Yaz was trying to stay professional and to remember her training. Trying to remember that Maisie was a profoundly damaged child who had grown up with nothing but abuse, neglect, violence and worse. She was playing out a scene that had been perpetrated against her countless times in the past. But it was very difficult when she could clearly see the Doctor cowering in fright under the kitchen table.

Yaz attempted to rock Maisie gently in the hope of providing a soothing motion for Maisie to focus on.

“Maisie I'm going to take deep breaths; I want you to try and take them with me. I know you’re feeling very frightened right now, but no one is going to hurt you, we need you to be safe.”

Yaz took exaggerated breaths, confident that Maisie would be able to feel them as they were so close, matching them with her swaying motions.

And finally, whether because of Yaz’s actions or because she was becoming exhausted, Maisie began to still.

“Maisie, I’m going to let go of you now. I need you to know that if I think you’re going to hurt yourself or anyone else I will hold you again okay?”

Maisie hiccoughed and nodded and Yaz released her gently.

“I'm sorry Yaz.” She whispered.

Now that Maisie was calm, Yaz could feel her adrenaline draining. And her anger building, replacing the cool professionalism that had been keeping her calm.

“Maisie I want you to go upstairs and put your pyjamas on. I will be upstairs in five minutes.”

“Can I say goodnight to Jane?”

“Not right now Maisie. You can talk to her when she’s feeling better.”

“But I….”

“Maisie go and put your pyjamas on now.”

“But…”

“Maisie go upstairs. Now.” Yaz’s tone left no room for argument.

Maisie stood and trailed her feet forlornly as she went upstairs. Yaz quickly turned on the monitor for her bedroom that was the same as she used to monitor the Doctor when she was bed bound and had good audio and video feedback so she could be sure Maisie was safe before she turned her attention to the Doctor.

Yaz felt physically sick as she took in the scene around her. The floor was a mess of shattered glass and china, hot chocolate, honey, urine and vomit. Yaz still wasn’t sure how the Doctor had ended up on the floor though she was sure it hadn’t been deliberate but what had been deliberate was that the Doctor had dragged herself across the floor to cower under the kitchen table. Yaz couldn’t see much of her but with blood smeared across the little bit of her she could see, that made three of her own bodily fluids she was covered in. She had stopped groaning but she was shaking like a leaf.

“Doctor, it’s Yaz. Can you hear me love?”

There was no response though Yaz wasn’t particularly surprised.

“Doctor you don’t have to talk to me right now. I know you’re feeling very frightened and overwhelmed and that’s okay. I want you to know that Maisie has gone to bed. I'm going to ask Carole to collect her in the morning. You’re safe now and I love you so much.”

Yaz wasn’t even sure if the Doctor could hear her but she was very reluctant to reach out and touch her in case she frightened her even more.

“Okay love, I don’t know if you can hear me and if you can, you don’t have to talk. I'm going to check that Maisie is safe and then I'm going to come back downstairs. We’ll get you out of here and get you cleaned up. I want you to remember how much I love you.”

Yaz got up and slowly moved out of the room before hurrying upstairs. Maisie was asleep and appeared to be peaceful. Yaz wasn’t surprised. That tantrum… meltdown?... certainly a loss of control would have cost her a lot of energy. She shut the door softly, fully aware of the possibility that the Doctor might start screaming at any point and not wanting Maisie out of bed again.

From the landing Yaz pulled out her phone.

“Jennifer, it’s Yaz. I need help.”

_“Yaz, whats happened?”_

“I'm not sure entirely. We have Maisie tonight and she… lost control. She attacked Jane and I had to physically restrain her. She’s in bed asleep but our kitchen is destroyed and Jane is completely unresponsive and hiding under the kitchen table.”

_“Is Jane hurt?”_

“Don’t know yet, can't get anywhere near her.”

_“And Maisie?”_

“I don’t think so. I used my restraint training, she shouldn’t be. I can tell you now though that Jane won’t be able to give any kind of witness statement.”

_“Yaz stop worrying about that. Don’t clean up in the kitchen, I’ll be off work in about an hour and I'm going to come round. We can talk about it, but Maisie’s violent outbursts are well documented, I don’t think you have any reason to worry.”_

“Thanks Jennifer… And Jennifer, don’t ring the doorbell when you get here.”

_“I won’t. I’ll text you when I'm outside.”_

“Thank-you… I’ll see you later.”

_“Yaz?”_

“Yeah?”

_“Are you okay?”_

“Not really no.”

_“Look after yourself Yaz. I’ll see you in a couple of hours.”_

Yaz hung up and went down the stairs.

“Doctor I’m coming back into the kitchen now. It’s just me. Maisie is upstairs and she’s sound asleep, I don’t think she’ll come downstairs again tonight.”

Yaz picked up the floor brush and carefully cleared up some of the glass and ceramic from in front of the Doctor.

“Doctor, I'm going to lie down beside you love. I'm going to put my hand right here beside yours and you can hold it if you want.”

The Doctor still didn’t respond.

“I love you Doctor. I'm so sorry about what has happened tonight. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling right now but I want you to know that I'm right here with you and I'm not going anywhere. You’re safe now and I'm right here with you, I'm not going anywhere love, I promise. And you know I don’t make promises to you that I can't keep.”

Yaz waited and after a couple of minutes she shifted her hand just a little so that the very tips of her fingers brushed against the Doctor’s. The Doctor flinched but she didn’t move away.

“You’re doing so well Doctor. I'm so proud of you. I want to take you down to our bedroom and make sure you’re not hurt. Then I want to help you have a wash and get you into bed. Does that sound like something we can do? You don’t have to answer me with words love. And if you let me know that you’re not ready to move then I won’t touch you.”

Yaz waited out another silence.

“Doctor you haven’t told me not to and I know you can't possibly be comfortable here so I’m going to pick you up and carry you down to the bathroom. I’ll sit you on the toilet seat so I can check that you haven’t been injured before you have a shower but I’m not going to turn on the main light, just the bedside lamps in our bedroom so it won’t be too bright.”

The Doctor still gave no response so Yaz waited patiently for a moment to give her time to process what was going to happen.

“I’m standing up now love… I’m going to pick you up and carry you. I’m going to have one hand behind your shoulders and the other under your knee and stump. I’ve got you safe.”

Yaz was exceptionally gentle as she carefully rolled the Doctor slightly to get her into a better position and then scooped her up close, holding her in tight.

“I’ve got you love. You’re safe now. I'm going to take care of you, I promise. I love you.” Yaz whispered into her ear the whole way down the hall and as she carefully deposited the Doctor onto the cold lid of the toilet, holding her steady when she threatened to tip sideways.

As promised, Yaz didn’t turn on the harsh, main lights but there was enough light to see by in the bathroom and what she did see nearly turned her stomach. Her face was a mess, even more so than normal. She had four gouge tracks down her right cheek from Maisie’s finger nails, one of the few parts of her body that had remained unscarred. The blood she was covered in appeared to be coming from her nose which was bleeding heavily after it’s meeting with Maisie’s heavy school shoe which had also presumably caused the dramatic swelling around her right eye while the bruising around her neck appeared to have come from her scarf.

Yaz reached out and gently tipped the Doctor’s face to angle it better towards the light.

“Oh love, I’m so sorry. I’m going to take a photograph of your injuries. I had to restrain Maisie and I might be checked up on in work for that reason. It’s nothing to worry about but just so you know what’s happening.”

Yaz was quick and she carefully undressed the Doctor, flinging the soiled clothes into a heap in the corner. She was relieved that a small cut to her left shoulder was the only other injury she seemed to have aside from where her chest was red where the hot chocolate had hit but thankfully the burns appeared minor though Yaz imagined that they were painful none the less, especially the burns that were on the already burn damaged skin of her chest, neck and arm.

“Okay, lets get you in the shower and cleaned up, then I’ll treat your face and you can get some rest. That sound okay?”

Unsurprisingly the Doctor didn’t offer an opinion and Yaz lifted her onto her shower seat and turned on the water. The Doctor didn’t even flinch as the water hit her skin and Yaz washed her with a face cloth, paying careful attention to the vomit in her hair and took her into the bedroom, sitting her on the edge of the bed.

“I’m going to touch your face around your nose to see if it’s broken Doctor.” Yaz warned before doing just that, feeling it carefully for any signs that it was damaged. “Good news, think it just looks dramatic. I'm going to rub some of this anti-septic cream into the cuts on your cheek. It might sting a little.”

Yaz remembered her mum rubbing the same stuff into cut knees and scraped hands when she was little and it stung but the Doctor had no reaction to it whatsoever as Yaz massaged it into her cheek.

“Let’s get you into some pyjamas Doctor.”

Yaz lifted the Doctor’s favourite pyjamas, black with little silver and gold stars, out of the drawer and dressed her in the same way she did when she was sick before tenderly wrapping an arm under her legs and the other behind her shoulder and lowering her into the bed facing Yaz’s side, banked with cushions, and tucked her in tightly.

“I’m just going to get you some ice for your face.” Yaz told her and hurried down the hall, reluctant to leave the Doctor on her own for too long. She lifted an ice pack from the freezer and wrapped it in a tea towel before gently settling it across the Doctor’s swollen eye and nose.

“Doctor, I had to call Jennifer because I restrained Maisie. She’ll be here in a little while and she’ll text me when she’s here. But until she gets here I’m going to lie here right next to you. I'm going to put my hand right here next to yours, if you want to you can hold it and if you don’t then that’s okay too.”

Yaz settled down, lying on her side facing her girlfriend, their hands close but not quite touching. Neither of them moved or spoke, there was nothing to say. Yaz couldn’t speak for the Doctor but she was still struggling to process what had happened in the last few hours. Not only had the Doctor been assaulted, she had been assaulted by someone she trusted in the one place in the universe where she felt safe and Yaz was sure that there would be fall out.

Yaz lay next to the Doctor for a little over an hour before her phone vibrated in her pocket, signalling that Jennifer had arrived outside.

“Jennifer is here love, I have to go and talk to her. I’m going to put the monitor on, and I’ll be watching it so if you need anything just let me know. I’ll come down and check on you in a little bit. I love you, remember that for me. No matter how else you’re feeling, remember that I love you.”

Yaz longed to lean over and kiss her cheek but she refrained. The Doctor was… well Yaz wasn’t sure what was going through her head but she didn’t want to provide any excess stimulation or do anything that could in any way be perceived as another assault. Bathing her had been a necessity, kissing her was not.

Jennifer was waiting on the porch and Yaz opened the door and let her in.

“Yaz… oh Yaz, look at the state of you.” Jennifer said softly, looking at her sergeant.

Yaz looked down at herself, dimly recognising that she was covered in honey, hot chocolate, toast crumbs, several of the Doctor’s bodily fluids and drenched from the shower to boot.

“Let’s get you inside Yaz and get you into something clean and dry.”

Jennifer wrapped an arm around Yaz’s shoulder and steered her back inside and took her down to the bedroom. Yaz allowed her to do it, it was a blessed relief to allow someone else to take charge for five minutes.

Jennifer lifted Yaz’s pyjamas from the back of a chair and steered her into the bathroom.

“Get changed, I’ll wait out here for you.”

Jennifer stepped back and walked around to Yaz’s side of the bed so she could speak to the Doctor. She crouched down so she could be seen and spoke quietly.

“Jane I know you probably don’t want to talk to me right now and that’s fine. But I want you to know that I’m going to take care of Yaz for you okay? I won’t leave until I know she’s okay too. I’m really sorry you got hurt tonight and I’ll do anything I can to help you and Yaz. You look after yourself.”

Yaz came out of the bathroom and Jennifer escorted her down to the living room.

“Don’t we need to go in the kitchen?”

“No, you need to come in here and sit down. I’ll go into the kitchen and make you a cup of tea and we can have a chat.”

Jennifer left Yaz where she was and reappeared a few minutes later, pressing a cup of hot tea with plenty of sugar in it into Yaz’s hands.

“Talk to me about what happened Yaz.” Jennifer urged, concerned the younger woman was on the verge of going into shock.

“I… I’m not really sure. Jane volunteered us to chaperone Maisie’s school disco. Something happened there, she got in a fight with some other kids and they all got sent home. She was angry but she seemed to calm down in the car. When we got here I went to the bathroom but I heard screaming. By the time I got here, Jane’s wheelchair was tipped and she was cowering on the floor. Maisie was kicking her and screaming abuse, I don’t know where she heard language like that, it was vile, I restrained her and pulled her away. She kicked me and bit me and I held her in my arms on the floor until she calmed down. When I was satisfied she wasn’t a danger to us or herself I let her go and asked her to go upstairs to bed.”

“That’s fine Yaz. It sounds like you did everything right. Have you decided what to do next?”

“I need to call Carole and ask her to collect Maisie in the morning.”

“Yeah, what about you though? What can you do to get support? Because I have to be honest with you here Yaz, I don’t feel very comfortable with leaving you unless I know there’s someone else here to make sure you’re alright. Do you have someone you can call?”

“Yeah… our friends Ryan and Graham. I can call them.”

“Okay, how about you do that, and I’ll phone Carole and Paul. Then I can give you a hand to sort out your kitchen. I already photographed it when I was making tea in case we need it.”

Yaz nodded mutely.

“I took some pictures of Jane’s injuries, I’ll e-mail them to you.”

“That’s fine Yaz. Call your friends.”

Yaz lifted out her phone and dialled Ryan’s number from memory.

 _“Yaz, it’s one in the morning, what’s wrong?”_ Ryan answered, and Yaz could picture him already sitting up in bed in a mild panic.

“I… we’ve had a bit of an evening here…” Yaz explained as she relayed what had transpired.

“Are you okay Yaz?”

“We’re… can you come over Ryan? I’m worried I might need back up. I know it’s late. I wouldn’t ask…”

_“Yaz stop apologising. I'm coming right now… how bad is she?”_

“It’s bad Ryan. Right now, probably as bad a we’ve ever seen her.”

By the time Yaz had hung up her phone, Jennifer had spoken to Carole and the two women headed into the kitchen to deal with the extraordinary mess on the floor.

“Why don’t you start with Jane’s wheelchair and I’ll start with the floor?” Jennifer suggested, seeing Yaz freeze at the overwhelming task in front of them. Where do you keep your cleaning supplies?”

Yaz dumbly walked over to the cupboard under the sink and started pulling out supplies before righting the Doctor’s chair. It was a vile, sticky mess and peppered with small shards of china and glass which needed to be dealt with before the Doctor could even consider sitting in it. While it was unlikely that the Doctor was going was going to reanimate that night, Yaz hated her to be without it. It was her lifeline and until she got it back, she couldn’t leave the bed. She pushed the wheelchair outside where she shook it hard, trying to dislodge anything sharp that could hurt her someone sitting in it before bringing it back into the warmth of the kitchen where Jennifer was picking up the larger pieces of broken crockery. 

“I put the clothes from the bathroom in the washing machine” Jennifer told her and Yaz nodded. 

“I’ll add in her wheelchair cushion cover.” She stripped it off, it was a disgusting sticky mess, and shoved it into the machine and added a liberal helping of Dettol and some soap. 

While she was in the utility room Yaz grabbed a dustpan and brush and the hand held hoover which she used to vacuum the Doctor’s chair to hopefully pick up anything sharp remaining before sponging down the cushion and backrest and washing the entire frame with warm, soapy water. 

“Did you check her tyres?” Jennifer prompted. 

“No, I didn’t, thanks.” Yaz snapped off the tyres and put them through a careful, visual examination for any damage or punctures but thankfully they seemed to be intact. The last thing the Doctor needed to be told in her current condition was that her wheelchair was damaged, it was too important to her. 

“I’m just going to take this down to her. I know she probably won’t need it but I don’t like her to be without it.” 

“It might be helpful to sit in it and make sure the mechanical parts are working and there’s definitely not more sharp bits in there.” 

Yaz sat down in the Doctor’s wheelchair and instantly jumped up again, peeling yet another shard of glass out of the cushion. 

“Good thing that was me and not her… she wouldn’t be able to get up fast enough” she muttered as Jennifer chuckled lightly. 

Yaz sat down again and this time was able to stay seated. She wheeled herself in the Doctor’s chair into the hall, moving up and down, round the sofa in the living room and back to the kitchen, satisfied that the Doctor would be able to sit in her wheelchair without incident. 

Yaz took it into their bedroom quietly. The Doctor hadn’t moved a muscle and though her eye was now closed Yaz was pretty sure she was awake. 

“Doctor, it’s just Yaz. I brought your wheelchair down for you and I’ve parked it beside the bed where you can reach it. I’ve put the cushion cover in the wash so I’ve covered your cushion with a towel for now. Jennifer is still here and Ryan will either come over later tonight or in the morning just in case you hear him talking and wonder what is happening. Try and get some rest love, I’ll come down for bed when I’ve tidied up the kitchen. I love you.” 

Yaz gently touched her hand and tip-toed out of the room. It was like speaking to a corpse. Wherever the Doctor was in her head, it wasn’t the same place as her body. 

“Ryan, Graham!” Yaz said in surprise as she walked back into the kitchen and found both men on their hands and knees helping clean up the mess. 

Ryan stood up and hugged her tightly. 

“We’re here for you Yaz, don’t know why you look so surprised.” 

“I’m so glad to see you” Yaz admitted, ashamed to admit that she was crying again. 

“Your floor might be perpetually sticky for a while but I think that’s the best we’re going to get for tonight.” Jennifer announced, taking Graham’s offered hand to stand up, wincing slightly. “You need to get some sleep Yaz. Give me a call over the weekend and let me know how you’re both doing and if you need some time off we can arrange that.” 

“Thanks Jennifer.” Yaz accepted a hug from her boss and showed her out, locking the door. 

“I’ll take the sofa” Ryan decided. “Graham, you take the spare bed and Yaz, just get some sleep.” 

“You don’t both need to stay” Yaz protested weakly, feeling like she must be massively inconveniencing the two men. 

“Of course we do cockle, we’re a family. You and the Doctor need support and we’re here to provide that for you both. Just like we always do.” 

Graham wrapped an arm around Yaz’s shoulder and escorted her to her bedroom. “Get some rest, we’re probably in for a hard weekend. Goodnight cockle.” 

Yaz crept into the bedroom in the vain hope that the Doctor would be asleep and she eased herself into bed. 

The Doctor opened her eye and stared at Yaz. 

“It’s late, try and get some sleep love.” Yaz whispered quietly. The Doctor stared at her, blinking a couple of times. 

By the next evening Yaz was tearing her hair out. The Doctor hadn’t reanimated at all. Yaz was sitting up in bed and she had maneuvered the Doctor so her head was resting on a pillow in Yaz’s lap. Yaz was idly stroking her hair with one hand and reading to her quietly. 

The whole house was like a mausoleum, with everyone tip-toeing around, almost like they were unwilling to disturb the Doctor’s suffering. 

She hadn’t cried. She hadn’t eaten or drunk. She might have slept but certainly not well. Yaz had changed her into clean pyjamas and sorted out her personal care while the Doctor had lain there, utterly vacant. 

Over a hurried lunch Ryan had raised concerns about a potential head injury but despite the kick that had resulted in the black eye and swollen cheek and nose, Yaz was convinced that this wasn’t physical, it was purely psychological. A direct result from her PTSD which was complicated by the brain damage she had previously sustained. 

Yaz had managed to keep a lid on her emotions that morning as she had handed Maisie over to Carole. Carole had been mortified and incredibly apologetic though it wasn’t her fault. Maisie hadn’t batted an eyelid, having apparently forgotten about the ugly scene in the kitchen the night before. 

_“Yaz, where’s Jane?”_

_“In bed.”_

_“But I want her to play with me!”_ she had whined. 

_“She’s resting.”_

_“I’ll go and tell her to get up.”_ Maisie had announced, getting up. 

_“Maisie, leave her in peace. She needs to rest.”_

_“Urgh. I want her to play with me nooow! She’s my friend. Tell her to get up.”_ She had whined.

_“Maisie, Jane is resting. If you want to play until Carole gets here then Graham will play with you.”_

Maisie had been very unimpressed with Yaz’s refusal to let her see the Doctor but she didn’t think it was a good idea. She was clearly experiencing some sort of mental break and while it wasn’t Maisie’s fault that the Doctor had PTSD, the break was a direct consequence of Maisie’s actions. Yaz knew she would have to talk to Maisie about what was happening at some point but she also knew that she wasn’t in the right frame of mind to do it. She was too angry. 

“Yaz, how’re you doing love?” 

Yaz snapped back to reality, away from the thoughts that had been running through her head 

“We’re okay” Yaz said with a tired smile, still stroking the Doctor’s hair. 

“Any change?” 

“Not yet.” Yaz sighed. 

“Why don’t you go and make a cup of tea love, I’ll keep the Doc company.” 

“I don’t…” 

“Yaz” Graham interrupted, knowing how the young woman’s anxiety went through the roof when the Doctor was unwell “Go and have a cuppa.” 

Yaz eased herself out from under the Doctor and rolled her to her other side. She really didn’t need a pressure sore on top of everything else and settled her, tucking the blanket around her tightly to provide deep pressure. 

“Alright Doc?” Graham asked cheerfully, settling into the seat next to her and unfolding his newspaper. “I’m going to read you the footy results Doc, if you don’t want to hear them then you’ll just have to tell me to shut up.” 

Unsurprisingly the Doctor didn’t tell him to shut up so Graham read her the footy results. And the cricket. And then he went on to the lifestyle pages. 

Meanwhile, Ryan was taking the opportunity to force Yaz to eat some food and drink an actual cup of tea. 

“I’m really not hungry Ryan” Yaz protested. 

“You worry about how much weight the Doctor loses when she’s sick, well we worry the same about you. You cant possibly take care of her if you get sick yourself.” 

Yaz sighed in defeat and accepted the plate of cheese on toast that Ryan was trying to force her to eat. 

“So” he asked after she had eaten a few bites. “Any idea of what the plan of action is yet?” 

“Not really. Take care of her and love her until she starts to come back to us.” 

“And if she doesn’t?” 

“I’m not thinking about that yet.” 

“You have to Yaz. She hasn’t eaten or drunk anything. She’s gonna start having seizures soon if we don’t sort that out.” 

“I know… but what can I do? I might as well be talking to the wall for all the response I’m getting out of her.” 

“We can’t leave her in this state.” 

“You think I don’t know that Ryan?” Yaz snapped. “Believe me I’m very aware of how serious this is. She was attacked. Again. After I spent the last two years promising her that she was safe here. It was the one place in the whole universe where she felt safe, where I could keep her safe and I failed! How is she supposed to trust me again? She was attacked Ryan. And it frightened her so much that now she’s having some sort of mental breakdown or psychotic break down there!” 

Yaz stopped abruptly, only realising that she had started shouting when she noticed that Ryan had his hands on her arms. She froze and Ryan pulled her in close. 

“This is just her way of sorting out her headspace Yaz. She’s gonna be okay. I know you’re scared but she’ll be fine. It might take her a few days or even a few weeks but you’ll get her through like you always do and Graham and I will be here to help you like we always are.” 

It was a long day and night but unfortunately in the early hours of Sunday morning the Doctor started to deteriorate. Mentally she was much the same but the lack of food, drink and exercise started to make themselves known as her muscles started to contract into tight, painful spasms. And yet she still remained unresponsive other than a few pained whimpers.

Yaz patiently massaged each one, trying to get her muscles to loosen up a little but internally she was starting to become frightened. Thoughts about whether they needed to call Martha to find out about options if she continued to refuse food and water… doubts that she was refusing them deliberately and knew exactly what she was doing.

She shook that one away. The Doctor wouldn’t.

She hoped.

“Yaz, aren’t you supposed to be going to see Maisie now?” Ryan asked, sticking his head around the bedroom door.

Yaz checked her watch. “Yeah… Doctor, I have to go out now. I need to talk to Maisie and see if I can find out what happened between the two of you because I’m pretty worried about you. I won’t be too long and if you need me you can call me or Ryan will call me. I love you, I’ll see you soon.”

Yaz squeezed the Doctor’s hand gently and kissed her cool, bony cheek. 

She hovered indecisively by the door.

“Yaz, go. I’ve got her.”

Yaz nodded uncertainly and left the room reluctantly. Carole and Paul’s home was half an hour away but Yaz had only been a couple of times and always for official purposes. Usually Maisie came to them.

Yaz knocked on the door feeling nervous and Carole showed her into the kitchen.

“How are you Yaz?”

“I’m fine” Yaz lied with a fake smile.

“And how’s Jane?”

“She’s… less fine.”

“I’m so sorry Yaz.”

“Don’t apologise, it’s not your fault. Maisie is damaged, we both knew it and we knew about her outbursts. I'm not here to tell her off, I'm here because I need to try and get to the bottom of what happened so I can best help Jane. And I don’t think she’ll be up to visitors for a while so I need to explain that to her.”

“Is she that bad?”

“Yes…”

At that moment Maisie skipped into the kitchen.

“Yaz!” she shouted happily, wrapping her arms around Yaz’s waist tightly. Yaz gave her a half-hearted pat on the back. She was still angrier with Maisie than she wanted to be.

“Hi Maisie.” Yaz said half heartedly.

“Where’s Jane? I wanna show her my bedroom and my swings and Paul showed me how to play draughts and I want to teach her to play.”

“Maisie, sit down, I need to talk to you about something serious. I’m not here to tell you off but it is very important that you tell me the truth. Do you understand?”

“Yeah… where’s Jane?”

“She’s at home in bed.”

“Why?”

“I’ll talk to you about that in a minute Maisie. First I need to talk to you about what happened after the disco. We came home and something made you upset. Why were you upset?”

“Cause Jane wouldn’t open the honey. She said I had to wait for you.”

“Jane’s hands are poorly Maisie, she finds it very hard to open things, she didn’t ask you to wait just because she wanted to.” Yaz reminded her. “Then what happened?”

“I shouted at her” Maisie whispered.

“What did you say?”

Maisie stared at the floor.

“Maisie, this is really important. I need you to tell me what you said to her.”

“I told her I hated her. And… and… and… I said she was a fucking, crippled, retarded dyke” Maisie whispered, crying.

“Maisie!” interjected Carole, looking shocked. But Yaz ignored her, pressing on with her questions.

“And then you threw the honey and hot chocolate?”

Maisie nodded.

“How did Jane get out of her wheelchair?”

“I pushed her.” Maisie admitted after a long silence.

Yaz could see the realisation on Maisie’s face as she realised what she had done. Her whole demeanour changed and Yaz felt a lot of anger dissipate as she felt incredibly sorry for the childhood Maisie had lost. But a small part of her _was_ still angry because right now the most important person in her life was lying in bed, reduced to little more than a shell as her mental demons tormented her cruelly.

“Thank-you for being honest with me. Is there anything else you want to tell me?”

Maisie shook her head.

“Where did you hear words like that Maisie?”

“School.”

“Did someone call you those names?”

“No… sometimes people say it about Jane when she comes to my school. And they pretend they talk funny like she does.”

“Is that why you were fighting at the disco?” Yaz asked calmly but inside she was seething.

“Yeah” Maisie sighed.

“Maisie what those children did was very unking and they shouldn’t have done it. I’ll be phoning Miss Doherty about that tomorrow but that doesn’t make what you said to Jane or you hurting her okay.”

“I know” Maisie said, letting out a little sob.

“I need to explain something to you Maisie and it’s a very grown up thing that’s difficult to explain so if you don’t understand I want you to tell me and you can ask me any questions you want to. Okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Jane has a sickness called PTSD. She’s had it for a long time, longer than she’s known you. It’s a mental health problem which means it’s her mind that’s sick instead of her body. You know Jane got hurt by bad people… that’s why she has PTSD. It means that she has bad memories and thoughts in her head that won’t go away, she has lots of nightmares and sometimes she has flashbacks which is when something happens that makes her think she’s being hurt by the bad people again. Do you understand?”

Maisie looked confused.

“You can ask me any questions you want to Maisie and I will try and answer them for you.”

“I need to tell her I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

“I need to tell her now.”

“I know you want to love and I’m really pleased that you want to apologise but Jane is quite poorly right now. She’s having lots of scary thoughts and feelings and it’s hard for her to talk to or see people.”

“But I’m her friend.”

“I know. But Jane is very sad and very frightened and inside her head feels very confused and mixed up.”

“I can give her a hug and make her feel better?”

“That’s very kind of you sweetheart but Jane isn’t ready for hugs right now. She’ll tell you when she is. You could draw her some pictures instead and Carole can help you post them, or you can give them to me. I’m going to keep coming to see you, but it might be a little while before Jane is ready to see anyone.”

“But I want to see her now.” Maisie’s lip quivered.

“I know you do.”

“Is it my fault?”

“It’s not your fault that Jane has PTSD. That’s because of the bad people that hurt her.”

“But I hurt her. I made it worse!” Maisie cried.

“Well you didn’t make it any better, but I know you didn’t mean to make it worse. Jane’ll be okay Maisie, I’m going to take really good care of her I promise.”

Maisie was crying openly and Carole wrapped her up in a tight hug.

“I have to make her better!”

“You can't make her better Maisie. I wish you could. I wish I could but we can't. Jane having PTSD is not your fault but you did hurt her and now she’s finding things really hard and scary. She needs some time where she can just be quiet and concentrate on feeling better. I know you want to help her because I do too but there isn’t anything, we can do except tell her we love her. Our house is a safe place for Jane and it always has to be a safe place for her but right now she doesn’t feel safe. She needs time to feel safe again.”

“It’s not fair” Maisie whispered.

“Maisie, not being able to see Jane, that’s not a punishment. As soon as she’s feeling better we’ll be able to do something together.”

“You have to tell her I’m sorry.”

“I will, I promise… I have to go back home now and look after Jane. I’ll phone you on Wednesday like I always do.”

“Can I talk to Jane on the phone?”

“I don’t know Maisie. At the moment Jane isn’t doing any talking. I’ll tell you on Wednesday.”

“Okay” she sniffed.

“And if you think of any questions tell Carole. If it’s an emergency she can call me and if it’s not she will write them down and remind you on Wednesday and I’ll answer them then.”

“Okay.”

“Can I give you a hug before I go?”

Maisie nodded and held out her arms. Yaz gathered her in tight and held her. Sometimes it was easy to forget how small she was when you put it into the perspective of how much she had been through.

Later that night both Ryan and Graham had gone home as they both had early starts the next morning and needed some sleep in their own beds. The Doctor was exactly where Yaz had left her and Yaz had already made up her mind that if she didn’t accept something to drink at the very least by noon the next day then she was calling Martha to ask for medical intervention. But that was an avenue she really didn’t want to go down unless they had absolutely no choice. Alien she might be, but she couldn’t survive without water indefinitely.

The Doctor blinked again, slowly trying to wake herself up. Where was she? She wasn’t sure. The room was dim and she squeezed her eyes shut for a second, trying to bring it more into focus. It didn’t work. Had she been drugged? It would certainly account for why her brain felt so sluggish and her body so heavy. She tried to push herself into a sitting position, annoyed when her arms gave out underneath her, her whole body felt weak. How long had she been here? Frustrated, she tried again. This time she managed to sit but she was instantly hit with a massive dizzy spell that left her feeling sick. She swung her legs so that her feet were on the floor and pushed herself into a standing position only she ended up falling in a heap instead. What had they, whoever they were, given her? There weren’t that many drugs that could incapacitate a Time Lord this way, or at least not many that she wouldn’t be able to burn off relatively quickly.

The Doctor looked down to try and organise her body into making a second attempt at standing and that’s when she saw it… what they had done to her… she opened her mouth and screamed.

The washing machine beeped and Yaz lifted out a large bundle of damp clothes, dumping them on the kitchen table and setting up the clothes horse so they could dry overnight in the warmth of the kitchen. She had just hung up a pair of the Doctor’s pyjamas when she heard a loud thump followed by a scream. She dropped the work shirt she was holding and ran down to the bedroom.

The Doctor was on the floor which explained the thump and she was screaming in terror.

“Doctor! It’s Yaz! What’s the matter?” Yaz asked anxiously, putting her hand on the Doctor’s arm in a bid to capture her attention.

“NO! GET AWAY FROM ME!” the Doctor shrieked, shoving Yaz hard away from her and scrabbling backwards across the floor as fast as her weakened body could manage.

“Okay okay, I won’t touch, I’m sorry” Yaz apologised, holding up her hands in a gesture of surrender.

“What do you want from me?” she asked, her voice trembling.

“Doctor, it’s Yaz. I don’t want anything from you.” Yaz told her firmly.

“Yaz?” the Doctor asked, squinting at her.

“Yes.”

“I… I don’t underst… what are you doing here?”

Yaz was very concerned now.

“I live here Doctor.”

“Yaz you have to get out of here.” The Doctor continued as if she hadn’t heard Yaz. Her voice was frantic and she was difficult to understand as her words all ran into each other.

“Doctor I need you to listen to me…”

“Yaz, they’ve cut my leg off, I think to stop me running and I don’t know… I think… I think they’ve drugged me. I can't think straight and I can't move properly and everything’s blurry but you have to get out of here Yaz. Get back to the TARDIS, she’ll take you home. Get out before they come back. I don’t think I'm going to survive this Yaz but I need to know you’re safe. Go, before they come back.”

The Doctor was begging and Yaz was struggling to hold it together.

“Doctor, you have to listen to me…”

“Yaz! Get out of here! I don’t know what they’ll do to you if they catch you but you have to go.”

“Doctor! I live here. So do you. This is our bedroom in our house.” Yaz said forcefully.

“What… no Yaz… you don’t…” she broke off and she looked so lost that it was all Yaz could do to stop herself from gathering her up in her arms.

“Doctor, this is our bedroom in our house. We live here together. You lost your leg a long time ago, it’s not a new injury.” Yaz explained to her gently.

“Yaz, you have to get out of here, I mean it. Get back to the TARDIS. I can't protect you right now!” the Doctor ranted as if she hadn’t heard Yaz.

Yaz inched forwards and lightly grasped the Doctor’s hands, taking comfort in the fact that the Doctor didn’t fight her off this time. She guided them to what remained of her right leg.

“Doctor look at your leg, feel it. Your amputation has been healed for a long time. Look, I have your prosthetic right here, it’s beside the bed where you always keep it.”

The Doctor snatched her hands back and kicked out at Yaz who didn’t quite manage to dodge.

“GET AWAY FROM ME!” she howled.

“Doctor please…”

She was still crawling back on the floor but stopped abruptly when she crashed into the bookcase.

“Doctor?”

“DON’T TOUCH ME!”

Her whole body was trembling with fear and she picked up one of the books from the shelf behind her and hurled it at Yaz as hard as she could. Followed by another and then a third…

"Doctor, I know you're frightened but you need to calm down. I can help you." Yaz begged as the Doctor threw yet another book at her which glanced off her shoulder painfully though she ignored it. 

It was a very long time since the Doctor had attacked her. Or had had such a serious mental health crisis and Yaz what at a loss as to what to do for the best. 

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" she screamed again as Yaz tried to get a little closer. 

"Doctor, I'm not going to touch you if you don't want me to. Of course I won't. I'm not going to hurt you. You're safe here. This is our bedroom that we share. I know you're very confused but let me talk to you and I can explain."

Yaz wasn't sure if it was her imagination or not but it seemed like the Doctor had stilled a little.

"Doctor, who do you think is coming?"

The Doctor's eyes were darting wildly as she looked around in panic. 

"The Mhufeist" she whispered. 

"Doctor, they're not coming. I promise you they're not coming. You escaped from the Mhufeist a long time ago."

"Wha... no... that's not right You're in my head Yaz."

"I'm not in your head Doctor, this is real. When you escaped from the Mhufeist you broke your leg. It got badly infected and Doctor Martha Jones had to amputate it. That was more than two years ago..."

"Yaz you have to get out of here. They..." she broke off looking upset. "They've sold me again. The creature is called a Grofriar and it's very dangerous. You have to go before it hurts you. Its species can spray acid similar to hydrochloric acid, if it gets close to you Yaz it could burn your skin off. You have to run!"

Yaz felt like her heart was breaking in two. She had no idea what she was supposed to do in this situation. The Doctor was like a caged animal... but if she was genuinely reliving her time with the Mhufiest then she was... that was certainly how they had treated her. 

"Doctor you're safe here. If there's anything I can do to prove it to you I will."

The Doctor clamped her hands over her ears.

"GO AWAY! GO AWAY! GO AWAY!" she shrieked. "You're in my head! You're not real!"

Yaz held back a sob as she watched her girlfriend unravelling in front of her, ranting and raving, switching topics like she was plucking them from thin air and making little sense.

"Doctor" Yaz began. "I'm going to touch you now. I'm going to hold your hands." she warned. 

It would have been easier to grab her wrists from the position she was in but Yaz was reluctant to grab her somewhere she knew she had been restrained, she still had the scars and indentations around her wrists, ankle, waist and neck from the heavy chains she had been chained to the floor with during her time in captivity. 

Yaz carefully placed her hands over the Doctor's, hoping that their solid warmth would convince her that she was indeed real.

The Doctor startled violently at the contact, slipping sideways. Yaz caught her hands and righted her. 

"You're okay Doctor, you're safe I promise you're safe now. I know you're scared but nothing here can hurt you."

"Yaz" she whispered, like she was seeing her for the first time.

"Hi Doctor" Yaz smiled softly. 

"Yaz I don't... I... I don't understand. How are you here?"

"We live here Doctor. You and me. This is our house. The TARDIS has been missing for a while but you were working to find her."

"Have... have I been drugged?"

"No Doctor, I promised you a long time ago I wouldn't give you any drugs and I've stuck to that."

"But my head... I can't think straight and I feel so... so... so heavy, like I'm trying to move through concrete. I can't speak..." She looked so disorientated. 

God this was hard, Yaz had already had to break the news to her about her leg the first time she had discovered the amputation but she hadn't had to tell her about the brain damage, she had come to the realisation of that on her own. 

"Doctor, you got sick about nine months ago. You had a brain infection, it's affected your ability to do pretty much everything but we've been working very hard together to relearn a lot of the skills you lost." Yaz explained gently.

Her brow furrowed and she looked lost. "But... I... no..."

Yaz grabbed the bin from behind her and shoved it under the Doctor's head just in time as she threw up though there wasn't much given that she hadn't eaten in so long. 

"It's okay, I know this is a lot of information to take in." Yaz rubbed her back as the Doctor continued to cough and splutter. She had started to cry. 

"Can I hug you now Doctor?"

She nodded uncertainly and Yaz carefully pulled her in close, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend. She was still trembling and Yaz rocked her. 

Usually the Doctor was a messy crier – tears and snot and bright red face but not tonight. Her cry was tear free, it was more akin to a howl, a cry of wounds and pain.

"You haven't eaten in a couple of days, shall we go down to the kitchen and make something? Yaz suggested gently when the crying stopped. 

The Doctor pulled away instantly, her face panicked.

"What is it?" 

"I... don't think I can walk." she whispered, her cheeks flushed with shame. 

"I know you can't Doctor. That's okay, you have a wheelchair to help you with that."

"No I don't need..."

She was pulling at her hair anxiously and Yaz gently untangled her fingers. 

"Doctor it's okay that you need a wheelchair. You don't need to be ashamed or embarrassed about it and I don't think any less of you because you need one. You've been learning to walk but you find it hard and it causes you a lot of pain so most of the time you use your wheelchair."

Yaz produced her chair and the Doctor looked at it in disgust. 

"I'm going to lift you into your chair, is that okay?"

"You can't..." she protested weakly.

"Trust me Doctor, we do this all the time. I won't drop you I promise." She easily scooped the Doctor into her arms and settled her into the wheelchair. The Doctor was tense and rigid, or at least as much as her weakened physical state would allow and Yaz fastened her seatbelt for her before pushing her down to the kitchen. She was looking way too overwhelmed to do it herself. 

Yaz was quick as she made them both tea and toast and slid them onto the table. The Doctor snatched hers and practically inhaled it, an almost feral look in her eyes. Yaz remembered that she had told her once that the Mhufeist had frequently withheld food or else had produced it and only given her a minute to eat, leaving her to starve.

"Doctor, there's plenty of food here and you can eat whatever and whenever you want to. Just try and slow down a little so you're not making yourself sick. You haven't eaten for three days."

"Where?" she demanded. 

Yaz took her over to the fridge and showed her how it was well stocked and that there food in the cupboards. 

What followed was one of the most terrifying and heart breaking scenes Yaz had ever witnessed as the Doctor grabbed anything she could reach, eating as if her life depended on it or like she was never going to see food again. She had never done it before... but when she had first escaped the Mhufeist she had been bedbound and struggled to eat because her mouth was so badly damaged. Yaz watched her, trying not to cry as she ate cold baked beans from the tin, followed by an entire loaf of bread, frozen chips straight from the freezer and anything else she could get her hands on. 

“Doctor we always have food in the house. You don’t have to eat it all now, I promise it will still be here tomorrow and the next day” Yaz reminded her as she opened her fourth packet of biscuits.

Yaz couldn’t help but take a step back as the Doctor actually growled at her, clamping the food to her chest.

She needed help though where they were going to get it Yaz didn't know. She didn't dare leave her alone to go and find her phone to call Ryan. And she needed to call Jennifer too, she was going to need a few days off.

Predictably, half an hour later Yaz was holding the Doctor up as she vomited violently, expelling large quantities of undigested food and crying with violent stomach cramps.

"Ssshhh, it's okay Doctor. You're okay. This has been a really hard day for you. Let's get you into bed and you can have some rest."

Foregoing the Doctor's wheelchair which would only prolong things Yaz hauled her off the floor and carried her into the bedroom, depositing her on the bed where she swayed alarmingly. 

"Alright?" Yaz asked, steadying her and handing her a clean pair of pyjamas.

She nodded mutely and fumbled with the pyjamas, trying and failing to get her hands to co-operate.

"D'you need help Doctor?" Yaz asked, nodding at the pyjamas.

She blushed furiously. "I can dress myself."

"I know you can. But I know it's hard for you too. I help you with these things lots Doctor, it's not something you need to feel embarrassed about."

The Doctor ignored her and continued trying to get out of the pair she was wearing. Yaz watched her struggle for a few minutes before she gently tugged the Doctor's top off over her head and helped her into a clean one. The Doctor didn't comment but she was crying again. Yaz was as fast as she could be and she carefully eased the Doctor into bed, tucking her up tightly in fresh, clean sheets. 

"I'll sit with you until you fall asleep Doctor." Yaz told her. The Doctor was so far past just being overwhelmed and despite the fact that she had just spent an entire weekend in bed she was absolutely exhausted and fell asleep quite quickly.

"Goodnight love" Yaz whispered sadly, kissing her damp cheek softly. 

Yaz tiptoed out of the bedroom. She had been dealing with the Doctor for hours and there was still the laundry to hang up, the kitchen was once again in a horrific mess after the Doctor’s bingeing, she needed to phone Jennifer and ask for some time off, she needed to phone Ryan and Graham and ask one of them to restock their food supplies she needed… first she needed a break. She sank heavily into her usual chair at the kitchen table and cried and cried. She cried until she couldn’t cry anymore, until her face was stiff and her head ached. When her whole body was quivering and she could feel the dehydration setting in Yaz stood up. She barely spared a glance for the laundry, it could wait, and she stumbled down towards the bedroom with a glass of water. The Doctor had changed position and was now lying in an uncomfortably twisted position that would cause her serious pain when she woke. Yaz stabilised her on her side with pillows and staggered over to the sofa in the corner with a blanket. If the Doctor didn’t remember living together it didn’t feel right to just get into bed beside her without consent. She curled up in a tight ball, cuddling a pillow that was a poor substitute for her girlfriend.

The next morning the Doctor had retreated back into silence. Yaz felt stiff and uncomfortable after her night on the sofa, exhausted from lack of sleep and sick with worry. The Doctor wasn’t unresponsive as such… but she wasn’t responding either and she was barely engaging with the most basic of tasks as Yaz washed her, dressed her and put her through passive physio.

“Doctor, you haven’t eaten properly for days and you can barely hold your head up. I'm going to take you down to the kitchen and I want you to eat something.” Yaz explained to her, pushing her wheelchair when the Doctor made no effort to move.

She had of course eaten half the kitchen the night before but Yaz very much doubted there was any of it left inside of her after the intense vomiting session that had followed it.

Yaz parked the Doctor’s wheelchair in its usual spot and went over to the fridge. She had cleaned up the devastation the Doctor had left in her wake the evening before, not wanting her confronted with it, but she had also moved other food out of her reach.

She eventually settled on some natural yoghurt and tepid water which would hopefully be easy on her stomach after not eating. Graham was going to bring some shopping over later and if the Doctor kept the yoghurt down Yaz would make them some soup for lunch and maybe something a little more solid for dinner like scrambled eggs on toast.

Yaz put the yoghurt into a bowl and lifted one of the Doctor’s special spoons from the cutlery drawer and one of her hand straps from the draining rack. She attempted to hand them over but the Doctor just stared at them blankly. With a sigh, Yaz strapped the spoon to the Doctor’s hand for her and when she still didn’t react Yaz manipulated her hand, dipping it into the yoghurt and bringing it to the Doctor’s lips, trying to get her to eat a little.

“Come on Doctor, you need to eat.” Yaz pleaded.

The Doctor vaguely looked in Yaz’s direction for a brief moment before she went back to staring at the floor, her arm falling back down to the table.

Her body was wracked by another painful spasm, this one causing her right arm to curl up tightly in an unrelenting grip. Unfortunately her right arm was also the one with the spoon still strapped to it and she flung a generous helping of yoghurt from the bowl over the table, over herself and over Yaz while the bowl clattered to the ground, smashing into three pieces .

Yaz could have cried as she eyed the mess.

It wasn’t fair.

She wanted to scream with frustration. She wanted to run away and never look back. She wanted to be free from the responsibility of caring.

Actually, the only thing she wanted was her girlfriend but looking at her slumped sideways and dribbling vacantly it was like there was nothing left of her.

Yaz walked away before she could do or say something she would regret and stopped at the far end of the kitchen, her hands bracing her against the sink as she took in a few deep, shaky breaths to try and calm herself down.

When she felt more in control she picked up the pieces of the broken bowl, binning them and used kitchen roll to get rid of the yoghurt. She replaced the water with orange and mango juice. It wouldn’t be easy on the Doctor’s stomach but it was calories and she hadn’t eaten for the best part of four days now and Yaz was starting to feel desperate.

She sat down again beside the Doctor, trying to put a more relaxed expression on her face than she was feeling as she offered her girlfriend the drink, holding the cup and straw for her.

“Doctor, I know it’s hard. I know you feel like I’m asking you to do too much right now but please, I really need you to try something. This is a small glass of juice, you could drink this in one swallow if you wanted to.”

The Doctor didn’t even look at it. Yaz put the drink down and grabbed the Doctor’s wheelchair, turning her so they were facing each other and squeezing the Doctor’s hands tightly in an attempt to get her to listen.

“Doctor, you haven’t eaten or drunk for days. It’s why you’re having spasms. I bet it’s causing you to have a headache and stomach pains. Next stop will be seizures and you know it. And if you don’t drink something I will phone Martha and tell her and I will ask her about how to do it against your will because you are not going to give up on me. Not like this.”

Yaz felt awful but it certainly wasn’t an idle threat.

“Please Doctor. I know you can hear me in there.” Yaz was on the verge of tears, her voice quivering. “Please, you have to drink.”

A distraction arrived in the form of Graham opening the front door and staggering in under the weight of several shopping bags and Yaz rushed to help him, dumping them on the counter.

"Hey Doc, you alright?" he asked, looking at her. 

Her face had drained of the little colour it had had and she was physically shrinking in on herself while she cowered away from him. Yaz knew those signs. 

"Doctor" she said softly, clasping the other woman's hands in an attempt to get her to look. "Graham won't hurt you, I promise. He won't even come near you if you don't want him to." 

Yaz shot Graham a look and he wisely retreated to the back of the kitchen rather than standing next to him where he had been. 

"Let's take you into the living room Doctor" Yaz said softly. 

The Doctor was still staring at Graham, her eye wide and fearful and frozen to the spot and made no effort to take herself out of there so Yaz flicked her brakes off for her and took her through to the living room. 

"Graham would never hurt you Doctor. You might be thousands of years older than he is but he still thinks of you as one of his grandkids."

The Doctor looked vaguely in Yaz's direction before going back to stare at the floor. She was still shaking. 

"I'm going to go and help him put away the shopping. I'll be back in a few minutes okay?"

The Doctor at least spared a glance in Yaz's direction which was an improvement over the total lack of response.

"How's she doin'?" Graham asked as Yaz entered the kitchen.

"Not great" Yaz admitted quietly. "She's at least looking at me when I speak to her which is more than she was doing but I can't get her to eat or drink. Told her if she doesn't I'll have to phone Martha and discuss artificial nutrition but I really don't want to go down that route because it's essentially force feeding her."

"It is force feeding her Yaz but you have to ask yourself, is she in the right mental state to refuse food and drink or does she need you to act in her best interests because she doesn't have the capacity to do so."

"I know" Yaz cried softly. "I just hate that she's not in the capacity to look after herself or make decisions for herself."

"I know Yaz. It awful, for both of you. What have you tried so far?"

"Couple of different foods, begging, pleading, bribing, threatening."

"Maybe we're putting too much pressure on her. Why don't you put together a plate of food you know she likes and are easy to eat. Cut them up into bite size chunks she can eat with her hands so she doesn't have to grapple with cutlery, stick a movie on and put them in front of her. She must be hungry, maybe she'll eat when it's just there and she can do it at her own pace without anyone watching. Grace used to do it for me when I couldn't eat cause of the chemo."

"Thanks Graham. I'll try it."

"What happened to all your food anyway? You have a power cut or something, I only shopped for you two days ago." Graham asked as Yaz cut up some watermelon.

"No" Yaz sighed, her voice trembling. "She... she reanimated... but she wasn't herself. I don't know if it was a flashback or some sort of psychotic episode but it was absolutely terrifying. She thought... she thought she was still being held captive and tortured. Thought I was a hallucination. She wasn't really making any sense. It took me hours to calm her down... she attacked me... I'm fine!" she added as Graham's look of concern morphed to one of horror. "I brought her down here for something to eat it and she ate like she'd never seen food before. I kept telling her we had plenty of food and she demanded to see it so when I brought her over she just ate everything she could reach - stuff straight out of the freezer, raw chicken from the fridge. I couldn't stop her and then she spent two hours on the bathroom floor vomiting it all back up."

"Oh love, why didn't you call us?"

"It was the middle of the night! And what could you have done?"

"Supported _you_ Yaz. Have you had any sleep at all love?"

"I dozed on the sofa in our room for a bit."

Graham resisted the urge to groan at her in frustration. She was terrible at looking after herself when the Doctor was ill. "Yaz you need to sleep. That's not negotiable. Phone Doctor Jones and get her advice, I'll go to the chemist if she prescribes anything and you go and sit on the sofa with the Doc, try and have some rest. What did your work say when you asked for time?"

"Jennifer was very understanding. She saw the mess that Maisie made and the state the Doctor was in afterwards, she's signed me off till the New Year so I've got three weeks to get her to function again."

"After everything she's been through love, this isn't the thing that's gonna finish her off." Graham picked up Yaz's phone and handed it to her. "Call Doctor Jones. At least get her advice."

Half an hour later Yaz was taking a small plate with a variety of finger foods, a cup of hot tea with lots of sugar and a fresh glass of orange and mango juice into the living room. She had kept the portions small, heading what Martha had told her, but Martha had also written a prescription for a Naso-Gastric tube and artificial nutrition which Graham had gone to collect. She had told Yaz in no uncertain terms that if the Doctor didn't eat and drink what she had prepared by noon, less than an hour away, Yaz was to phone her back and she would talk her through how to insert the tube. She couldn't go without any longer. 

The thought made Yaz feel cold and sick. She had worked with patients with NG tubes before when she had worked in care and had even inserted them but having to do it to the Doctor... it just felt like such a backwards step.

"Thought we could chill out for a bit Doctor, how does that sound?" Yaz asked, trying to keep her voice as steady and normal as possible. "I'll put a movie on and we can sit on the sofa together."

Yaz made sure she had both remotes before lifting the Doctor onto the sofa, noting how she was still trembling and was now too weak to assist with a standing transfer. Yaz arranged her comfortably on the sofa and put the food and drinks on a small tray table directly in front of her. She crouched down so the Doctor had no choice but to look at her.

"Doctor, I'm not threatening you but I need you to know that I spoke to Martha a little while ago. She has written you a prescription for an NG tube and artificial nutrition. That's a tube that I will have to put into your nose, down your throat and into your stomach, if you don't eat something. Specifically if you don't eat everything on this plate." Yaz reached out and took the Doctor's hands. "Please love, please don't make me do that to you." Yaz begged. "I love you so much but I can't sit here and watch you starve yourself."

Although the Doctor was looking in her direction Yaz had the distinct impression that she wasn't seeing anything. 

That night, after she had tucked the Doctor into bed, Yaz sank down onto the chair beside their bed, stroking her hair gently and carefully avoiding the unfamiliar feeding tube taped to her cheek.

“I’m so sorry love. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you safe. I'm sorry you’re finding things so hard. I’m sorry… I’m sorry I had to stick a tube down your throat. I wish you could talk to me love. I wish you could tell me what you need. I wish I knew what to do to help you. Just keep remembering how much I love you and that I'm not going anywhere. I’ll be right here whenever you’re ready. Just… just keep trying Doctor.”

The Doctor didn’t even blink and Yaz got up to leave her to try and sleep, tip-toeing across the room to the sofa, not wanting to crowd her in the bed.

“Yaz?” the Doctor’s voice was tiny, thin and slightly hoarse from the tube in her throat but to Yaz it sounded like one of the best things she had ever heard.

She walked back to the bed.

“Hi love, what do you need?” she greeted softly, resisting the temptation to shout and scream or cry.

The Doctor looked she was internally struggling with something and she opened and closed her mouth a couple of times. Finally she reached out a shaky hand and very tentatively touched Yaz’s hand. Yaz grasped it firmly and the Doctor stared at her, tugging lightly.

“Do you want me to get into bed with you?” Yaz asked her.

There was a pause before finally the Doctor gave a miniscule nod of her head.

“Of course I will love” Yaz said, struggling to keep her emotions in check as she slid into bed beside her girlfriend, trying not to jostle her too much.

The Doctor was still holding her hand.

“Do you want me to hold you?”

Again, Yaz’s patience was rewarded with a small, single nod.

“Of course I will Doctor, now and forever. As long as you need.” She whispered, wrapping her own strong arms around the Doctor’s tiny, frail frame.


	89. Chapter 89

“Hi Doctor.” Najia greeted quietly. If she thought she had seen the Doctor sick before, it was nothing to how she was now as she lay on the sofa where Yaz had put her, wrapped in a blanket.

The Doctor glanced at her briefly and then seemed to physically shrink in on herself. Najia noted the larger of her two wheelchairs parked neatly behind the sofa, the feeding tube taped to her cheek, the untouched mug of tea with a straw in front of her, her pale, grey skin and the way her whole body was shaking lightly.

Yaz walked in behind her and sat in a chair beside the Doctor’s head, picking up the mug of tea with a straw and putting it to her mouth. The Doctor ignored it.

“Drink Doctor” Yaz instructed in a no-nonsense tone. “You want the tube out; you have to eat and drink more. I’ve told you that and Doctor Jones has told you that.”

Yaz referred to Martha as _Doctor Jones_ for her mums’ benefit.

The Doctor took a miniscule sip.

“Good. Take some more.” Yaz instructed her.

Najia noticed that the Doctor was crying but she did as she was told. Some of it dribbled back out which Yaz carefully cleaned without making a fuss over it, but she kept going, unrelenting, until the Doctor had drunk the small cup of tea.

“Well done love.” Yaz said, her entire demeanour changing as she softened from being the Doctor’s carer to her girlfriend. “Can I come sit with you?”

There was a pause, but the Doctor nodded eventually and Yaz lifted her into a seated position, slid in behind her and supported her as she pulled her in close, cradling her tightly.

“How’s things love?” Najia asked, noting how tired her eldest daughter looked.

“We’re okay.”

“Yaz.” The single word that said so much. Demanded so much.

“We’re doing a little better. Really.” Although Yaz had had to insert the nasogastric tube on Monday, the seizures had still hit until they sorted out the right level of nutrition for her. She had had eleven in three days and when she hadn’t been seizing, she had been wracked by painful spasms. The spasms were still happening but not as much and she hadn’t had a seizure all day so that was… better. She was crying a lot and while Yaz wouldn’t describe that as good, it was better than the vacant stare it had replaced. At least it showed she was alive, and her brain was functioning. And she was saying the odd word.

Lilah sauntered in having apparently finished with her dinner. She stretched lazily, skirted around the armchair Najia was sitting in and made a bee line for the sofa where she stared for a moment before jumping up elegantly, settling herself firmly on the Doctor’s chest and purring.

“Thought she wasn’t allowed on the furniture?” Najia asked, her eyebrows raised in amusement.

“She isn’t. But watch, it helps her.”

Sure enough, the Doctor was not only watching the cat but she had actually lifted her hand a little so she could stroke Lilah’s warm, furry back.

Najia smiled and glanced at her watch.

“Yaz sweetheart, it’s getting late. Why don’t you two go to bed.”

“We will, I just… I need to sit down for half an hour before I can start all of that.”

“Why don’t you go to bed. I can do the Doctor’s care for tonight.”

“Mum, she’s sitting right here, she can hear you and she understands what you’re saying.” Yaz reminded her.

“Sorry Doctor, I didn’t mean to talk about you like you can't understand me, I know you can.” Najia apologised and Yaz shot her mum a grateful smile.

“It’s kind of you to offer mum but there’s a few extra steps at the end of the night now.” Yaz said, indicating the NG tube.

“I figured sweetheart. But you could go and get some rest or read or watch TV for half an hour, take some time for self-care and then do what you need to.”

Yaz considered. It was tempting. Very very tempting.

She was _so_ tired.

“Doctor, would it be okay if mum helped you this evening? I’m not going anywhere but I haven’t spoken to Nani in a few days and I could use some time to get a few jobs done.”

The Doctor looked at Yaz and then at Najia before blinking once, a move Yaz took as consent. Yaz lifted her easily into her wheelchair and kissed her.

“I’ll be right down here love. If you need me, you can call me or you can let mum know and she’ll call me.”

Yaz stepped back and allowed her mum to push the Doctor’s wheelchair down the hall.

“Let me know if you need help.” Yaz warned her mum, feeling a little anxious. Her mum had done the Doctor’s care a couple of times now, but the Doctor was so incredibly vulnerable right now and arguably wasn’t really in the frame of mind to give consent but Najia would be nothing but respectful and kind. And the Doctor’s old fears of Ryan and Graham had very much resurfaced so while at least one of them was round every day they couldn’t get close enough to help much without setting her off into yet another panic attack.

An hour later Najia had successfully washed and dressed the Doctor ready for bed, completely on her own for the first time.

“Thank-you for letting me help you tonight Doctor” Najia told her as she splinted the Doctor’s hands for her to prevent contractures, or at least to prevent the ones she had from getting worse, much more successfully than Ryan had ever done it as he always seemed to get into a pickle with them. “I’m going to call Yaz down now okay?”

The Doctor let out a small sigh but Najia couldn’t work out what it meant, only Yaz seemed to be able to accurately understand all of the Doctor’s non-verbal nuances.

Najia stepped back and allowed Yaz to take over. She sat the bed up and propped the Doctor up a little more with an extra pillow. She had two large syringes and water resting on one plate and on another were a couple of different creams, cotton buds and adhesive tape.

“I’m just going to check the tube is still in the right place Doctor. Then I’m going to give you some water.” Yaz explained which she did quickly.

“Well done. I’m going to change the tape on your face now. It shouldn’t hurt but it might feel uncomfortable.”

Yaz was gentle as she wiped around the Doctor’s nose with a cotton bud, peeled the old tape away and washed the Doctor’s cheek with an adhesive remover, dried it, kissed it and secured the tube back into place with fresh tape.

“Well done. I’m going to get ready for bed now and I’ll join you. Don’t forget mum is staying tonight so I can go out in the morning to see Maisie for an hour. You’ll probably hear her snoring.”

“I don’t snore!”

“Do too.” Yaz argued.

The Doctor opened and closed her mouth for a few moments. “Do you want to say something love?” Yaz encouraged her. The Doctor genuinely looked she did, but the words didn’t come, and she let out a sad sounding sigh instead.

Yaz cupped her cheek. “It’s okay love. You don’t have to tell me now.” Yaz reassured her.

She wished her mum a goodnight and got ready for bed, sliding in beside the Doctor. She was resting on her side, facing Yaz and when Yaz lay down she hesitantly reached out and touched Yaz’s wrist. Yaz smiled at her and shuffled closer

“I love you Doctor. I really miss you right now but I know you’re doing your best. I wish you could talk to me and tell me what’s going through your head but I’m not going anywhere. Whenever you’re ready to talk to me, I’ll be ready to listen, no matter what okay? I know you’re frightened and I know you don’t feel safe and I'm really sorry about that but I want to do everything in my power to make you feel better so we can move past this.” Yaz wiped her own face before she continued. “It’s so hard for me to see you like this Doctor because I love you so much and I’m so worried about you and I know you being like this is just your brains way of processing stuff and that’s okay… just come back to me soon. It doesn’t have to be right now or tomorrow but soon.”

“Hi Maisie.” Yaz greeted the little girl, who was colouring in at the living room table.

Maisie looked up. “Is Jane here?”

“No sweetheart, she’s still poorly.”

Maisie sighed and picked up her colouring things and walked out of the room without another word. Yaz could hear her feet stomping up the stairs.

Carole came into the room with two mugs of tea and slid one across to Yaz.

“Are you alright Yaz?”

“Yeah… just someone else who won’t talk to me.”

“Who else isn’t talking to you?”

“Jane. Not so much won’t as can't. She’s gone pretty much totally non-verbal. My mum is with her now, but I can’t stay long because mum doesn’t know how to feed her.”

“You don’t need to worry about Maisie right now Yaz, we’re looking after her. And her social worker is putting some things in place for her.”

“Any word on where she’s going to go when she leaves you yet?”

“Not yet.” Carole sighed. “I think her social worker is looking at some sort of therapeutic unit which I think she needs.”

Yaz nodded, accepting the information.

“I wish Jane and I were in a position to do more for her. But you’ve seen… with Jane’s health the way it is, we just aren’t in a position to make that kind of commitment to her.”

“Yaz no one expects you to. You’re already a full time carer and what you’ve done for Maisie has been fantastic. And just from mine and Paul’s perspective, the regular breaks you’ve given her have allowed us to keep going.”

“I’m sorry we can't take her over Christmas anymore but I just don’t think Jane would cope.”

“It’s fine Yaz.”

“If nothing else I think Maisie seeing Jane the way she is right now would frighten her. She’s got a feeding tube taped to her cheek, she’s on oxygen half the time because she keeps having panic attacks, she’s been using her bigger wheelchair which upsets Maisie anyway, she got through yesterday without a seizure but she’s had a lot this week. But she really isn’t up to seeing anyone right now, least of all Maisie. It’s not Maisie’s fault that she has PTSD but her actions did trigger this breakdown. It could have been someone or something else but it wasn’t and I think seeing Maisie right now would terrify her.” Yaz rambled anxiously.

“Yaz” Carole interrupted her. “You don’t have to justify yourself to me. It’s fine. We understand.”

“Sorry” Yaz apologised. “I’ll go up and see Maisie. I have an hour before I need to head home, is it okay if I take her out for a hot chocolate?”

“Course. Have fun.”

Maisie was reluctant to even talk to Yaz but the promise of a hot chocolate with marshmallows soon did the trick which was how Yaz found herself in a small café fifteen minutes later, watching Maisie lick the raspberry fondant from a Percy Pig biscuit.

“Yaz?”

“Yeah?”

“Does Jane hate me now?” Maisie asked quietly.

“Oh sweetheart of course she doesn’t.”

“Then why can't she visit me?”

“She’s very poorly right now Maisie.”

“She’s always poorly.”

“I know it probably seems like that to you but this is a different kind of poorly. Even when her body won’t do what her brain tells it to, she’s still able to think and understand and knows what she wants but this time it’s her mind that’s poorly. She’s very confused and everything feels very difficult for her right now. She’s having lots of scary memories going on in her head and she can't make them stop which makes her cry a lot and she’s finding it hard to look after herself.”

“But you look after her.”

“I am Maisie, I promise you I am, the very best I can.”

“Yaz?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s a feeding tube?”

Yaz sighed. “Were you listening to Carole and I talking?”

Maisie nodded guiltily.

“Jane is having a hard time doing the things that she needs to do to stay healthy like eating and drinking so she has a tube that starts at her nose and goes into her tummy and I can use it to give her special food and water to help her.”

“Does it hurt?”

“No sweetheart it doesn’t.”

“Did you show her my pictures.”

“Of course I did.”

“Did she say she likes them.”

“Jane is finding it hard to talk right now sweetheart but I'm sure that she does.”

Maisie nibbled her biscuit for a moment.

“Yaz, is Jane going to get better?”

“I hope so Maisie. I don’t know but I really hope so. But I want you to know that me and her doctor are doing everything we can to look after her and help her.”

“Yaz?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s going to happen to me?”

“What do you mean?”

“Nobody wants me. I'm bad. I can't live with my daddy. I can't live with Carole and Paul. I can't live with you and Jane. Where am I going to go?”

“I don’t know yet Maisie but I do know that your social worker is working really hard to find you somewhere special to live, somewhere that is just right for a little girl who’s as amazing as you are.”

“But what if he doesn’t?”

“He will Maisie. It’s his whole job to find you somewhere extra special just for you.”

“Yaz I want to go home now.” Maisie sighed. She had only eaten half of her biscuit.

“Okay sweetheart.”

Maisie pushed her untouched hot chocolate away from her and stood up, exiting the café quickly with her head bowed and her hands rammed in her pocket so Yaz couldn’t hold one.

“Please tell me she’s getting some sort of mental health support?” Yaz asked Carole as she watched Maisie run upstairs when she dropped her off.

“I wish I could Yaz, but you know as well as I do that they won’t get the mental health team involved until she’s settled in a long term placement.”

“This is ridiculous. She can't wait much longer.”

“I'm with you Yaz and if there’s anything you can do professionally we would really appreciate it.”

“Probably not this side of Christmas…” Yaz admitted. “But I’ll speak to Jennifer, my boss, if anyone knows how to work the system a little it’s her.”

“Thanks Yaz, we appreciate it… Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas Carole. I’ll video call on Christmas Day as promised.”

She hugged Carole goodbye and stepped back out into the cold to hurry home. The Doctor was due another feed and she was late.

Najia finished washing her breakfast dishes quietly. The Doctor was behind her, watching vacantly. At least she had finally stopped crying. When Yaz had gone out she had cried silently for the best part of an hour and completely ignored any of Najia’s attempts to comfort her. Instead she had turned away as much as she could in her highly restrictive wheelchair and Najia had elected to step back and give her some space.

But now she was just… there. Staring and doing nothing.

She couldn’t go on like this.

Yaz couldn’t go on like this.

“Come on Doctor, we’re going out.” Najia said decisively, taking the Doctor out into the hall where their coats were kept.

The Doctor was dressed sort of… she wasn’t wearing pyjamas anyway and that was good enough for Najia as she replaced her slipper with a boot, pulled a jumper over her t-shirt, added a coat on top of that and wound a scarf around her neck and placed a hat on her head. There was a pair of gloves too but Najia took one look at the Doctor’s curled up hands and decided there was very little chance of her getting the Doctor’s hands into them without hurting her or causing her distress. Najia quickly wrapped herself up too and took them both out into the bracing cold air. On second thoughts she returned back inside and lifted a blanket from the living room which she snugly wrapped around the Doctor’s legs, tucking it in carefully so it wouldn’t trail on the ground or get caught in her wheels.

It was a beautiful December morning with frost glittering from each individual blade of grass, bright sunshine that seemed to provide no warmth whatsoever, many of the once bare trees now adorned with Christmas lights. Najia shivered slightly in the cold and she pushed the Doctor down the ramp at a brisk pace to warm herself up.

The street Yaz and the Doctor lived on was quiet, neighbours pretty much kept to themselves, and there was no one about as Najia pushed the Doctor’s wheelchair towards the walking paths that ran behind the house. She knew Yaz and the Doctor didn’t use them often because the over grown tree roots meant the paths often narrowed or were uneven but there was one path that ran around the outskirts that was a little better which was where Najia was aiming for. It was also private and Najia felt like it was a good setting for what she had to say.

It was about a ten minute walk, Najia was conscious that the Doctor was doing nothing to keep herself warm so she walked quickly, hoping to shorten the time slightly. They didn’t meet anyone as they walked which Najia appreciated, the Doctor didn’t do well with strangers at the best of times and this was far from that and it didn’t take her too long to find what she was looking for - a bench. Where she could sit opposite the Doctor and have an actual conversation.

Najia sat, angling the Doctor’s wheelchair so they were facing each other.

“Doctor, I need to tell you something. I don’t want you to get upset and I want you to know that I’m not talking to you as Yaz’s mum, just as a friend. And if you want to say anything to me then it will remain strictly between us. I know you’re finding things really hard right now. Allah knows you’re entitled to after everything you’ve been through. But you can't keep this up sweetheart. You’re going to end up killing yourself. You’re not eating or speaking. You’re in so much pain Doctor and it’s torturing Yaz to watch you like this. You know she’ll do anything in the world for you and I will do anything to support her so whatever it is you need, you have to tell us. Because I don’t think Yaz can watch you like this much longer, and I don’t think you can go on like this much longer. You’ve worked harder than anyone should ever have to, to regain some of your independence, don’t let all of those months go to waste over one night. I know what happened with Maisie was terrifying for you, I understand that, but she’s one little girl. You can't let your whole life go to pieces over it. You have too much to live for. We’re all rallying around you Doctor; you just need to keep trying because we’re doing everything we can to support you. And what you’re doing now, it’s not okay. You have to keep pushing through and I know I'm asking too much from you but I can't sit by and watch you just waste away. You’re too important to too many people.”

Najia had taken hold of the Doctor’s hands and she was crying again. Najia fished a tissue out of her pocket and pressed it into the Doctor’s hands.

“I don’t want you to be upset Doctor. But this can't go on. I’ll take you home again, Yaz won’t be long and I'm sure you’d rather talk to her right now rather than me. I just want to say one more thing. I know it has been a very long time since you’ve had a family. Possibly so long that you don’t even remember how they work. But we are never too old to need our mothers and if you ever need to talk to someone who can fill that role for you, I will always be there for you. Even if you need me to not be Yaz’s mum while I do it or if you need to complain about Yaz or even if you and Yaz aren’t together because everyone deserves people who will care for and look out for them unconditionally.”

Najia wiped the Doctor’s face and pushed her back down the path towards home. She was shaking again and Najia reached round, rubbing the Doctor’s shoulder comfortingly. When they got home Najia relieved the Doctor of her wraps and took her into the living room where the fire was lit.

Yaz appeared home a few minutes later and went straight for the kitchen to put together the supplies she needed to feed the Doctor through her tube.

“Has she been okay?” Yaz asked in a low voice.

“Bit upset.” Najia admitted. “We went out for a walk but she’s in front of the fire now to warm up.”

Yaz nodded distractedly.

“Wait! Mum, did you take her oxygen cylinder off the back of her wheelchair?”

Najia’s face drained of colour and Yaz didn’t wait for an answer as she bolted into the living room and pulled the Doctor away from the fire.

“Doctor don’t panic but I need you out of your wheelchair. I’m worried that your oxygen cylinder has been too close to the fire and as soon as I get you onto the sofa I’m going to take your whole chair out to the garden… mum can you open the doors for me. I don’t think anything is going to happen but just in case…”

Yaz was incredibly efficient as she unstrapped the Doctor quickly, not caring about being gentle, just about not jostling her wheelchair too hard and sat her on the sofa unceremoniously. Najia had opened the doors and Yaz very slowly and gingerly pushed The Beast outside and left it in the garden. Tentatively she touched the oxygen cannister, it didn’t feel warm and it hadn’t been that close to the fire but it had still given her a fright.

Apparently it had given the Doctor one too because when Yaz got back into the living room she was curled up in a ball and shaking like a leaf.

“You’re okay Doctor. The oxygen tank wasn’t warm to the touch. I’ll get rid of it anyway but I’m going to leave it outside for a little while, it’s in one of its insulated bags so it’s fine for about two hours. You’re safe love.” Yaz told her, wrapping her up in her arms tightly and holding her close.

Yaz had left all the tube feeding supplies in the kitchen but right now trying to calm the Doctor down was more important. Yaz adjusted how they were sitting so the Doctor was sitting between her legs, her back resting against Yaz’s chest, her head on Yaz’s shoulder.

Yaz wasn’t sure how long they had been sitting there when Najia appeared with a tray.

“I thought I could smell your rice pudding” Yaz grinned. “Mum always made this for us when we were sick as kids. It’s hot and sweet and comforting like a hug in a bowl.” Yaz explained to the Doctor.

Najia put the tray on the table they had that reached over the sofa, like the sort you got in hospitals, it had two bowls of rice pudding, two teas and a glass of orange and mango juice with a straw as well as a regular spoon for Yaz and one of the Doctor’s adapted ones for her.

“I have to go to work now girls. I’ll phone you later. Love you both.” She hugged them both, kissing them on the cheek before letting herself out quietly.

Yaz flicked on the TV to something mindless and unimportant as she helped herself to her own bowl of rice pudding, eating carefully to avoid dripping it down the Doctor’s shoulder. It’s creamy, lightly spiced flavours brought back memories of sitting at home on rare days off from school when she had been able to convince Najia that she was sick and how her mum had wrapped her up in hugs and love. She decided that she would give the Doctor half an hour to eat something, if she didn’t, she would get up and get the feeding tube supplies. It didn’t make a huge difference if they were a little off their schedule, but because she hadn’t had anything in her stomach since first thing hopefully she was hungry enough to prompt her to try.

Yaz finished her own food and she adjusted the tray so the straw in the tea was right beside the Doctor’s mouth, it’s steam wafting towards her face while the rice pudding was right in front of her, it’s spoon within an inch of her hand and it’s tantalising scent filling the air space around them. She kept cradling the Doctor tightly and feigned interest at the elderly couple on screen who were being shown around some country houses.

Yaz sat still, using her legs and one arm to provide deep pressure and rubbing the Doctor’s arm with her other one. When they had been sitting for about twenty minutes the Doctor nudged the spoon with her hand.

Yaz practically held her breath.

It seemed to take the Doctor a long time to get any kind of grip on the spoon and Yaz fought the urge to help her, worried about spooking her. She could be very skittish.

Finally, she seemed to get a grip. She wedged it in her fingers and very slowly took a miniscule mouthful. It was the first thing that she had eaten in more than a week, since her terrifying binge fest, and Yaz had no doubt that swallowing with a plastic tube lodged in her throat was uncomfortable and strange but if she would just eat then they could remove it. She’d had nothing past her lips other than the odd mouthful of tea or juice in nine days.

She took another mouthful. And another, barely enough pudding to coat the spoon each time but she was eating and she kept going until the bowl was empty when she determinedly pushed the bowl away from her and nudged her tea closer with her wrists, the fact that she hadn’t managed to use her hands didn’t escape Yaz’s notice, but she was clearly thirsty as she downed the tea and then quickly followed that with the juice. Yaz felt like she could have cried with relief.

Yaz kissed the Doctor’s cheek, not wanting to make a massive deal over it and scare her off doing it again. Instead she picked up the Doctor’s hand that was closest to her and started massaging and stretching it. The Doctor watched for a while with vague interest before closing her eyes and leaning against Yaz contentedly, soon sleeping more peacefully than she had for days – ever since the incident with Maisie her nightmares had returned in full force, up to four per night so it was no wonder she was so exhausted.

“I love you.” Yaz whispered, setting the Doctor’s hand down gently on her stomach and picking up her other one.

Yaz let her sleep, she definitely needed it, until the evening started to draw in and her own stomach began to rumble.

“Doctor.” Yaz said, gently shaking her. “You need to wake up now love.”

The Doctor stirred slowly, it took her a few minutes to come back to full consciousness.

“Alright?” Yaz asked her.

She nodded.

“I need to get up and make some dinner. You wanna come keep me company?”

The Doctor nodded again and actually made the effort to sit herself up. Yaz scrambled out from behind her and brought The Beast in from the conservatory where Najia had left it after bringing it inside. The Doctor shook her head, frowning at it.

“What’s the matter?”

Yaz watched her grapple with herself as she tried to say what she wanted, waiting for her to get some words out.

“My chair.”

“You want your regular wheelchair?” Yaz surmised.

She nodded again, her movements jerky.

Yaz tucked The Beast into the corner of the living room out of the way, not entirely convinced the Doctor was strong enough to sit comfortably in her wheelchair but it was the first thing she had requested in more than a week and she wasn’t going to deny her anything within reason. She collected the Doctor’s chair from their bedroom and positioned it in a suitable position so she could transfer the Doctor across. But, to her surprise, the Doctor yanked her wheelchair closer into a position where she could transfer herself.

Yaz hovered, she was weak and hadn’t done this for days not to mention the damage a fall would do to her incredibly fragile mind in this state but she was concentrating hard on what she was doing. She lifted herself up on trembling arms, slid across slowly and landed untidily but without incident and sorted herself out, made herself comfortable and fastening the seatbelt.

Yaz gave her shoulder a light, supportive squeeze and turned towards the kitchen, hoping very much that the Doctor would follow of her own accord. She did.

“Is there anything you fancy?” Yaz asked, standing in front of the fridge so the Doctor wouldn’t be able to see that all the food in it was still out of her reach. Yaz wasn’t sure if she would remember it but the whole evening where she had eaten everything she could get her hands on had been one of the most frightening things she had ever witnessed and while the Doctor had lost her temper before, Yaz had never seen her lose full control like that, it had been like she had totally broken from reality, and hoped to never see her do so again.

The Doctor just shrugged.

“That’s okay” Yaz reassured her, pulling out ingredients from the fridge, deciding on chicken which she could cook until it was soft in some gravy with mashed potatoes and well cooked carrots. All foods that should be easy enough for her to swallow despite the tube. Yaz wasn’t willing to remove it yet, one small bowl of rice pudding wasn’t a meal and she needed to be eating pretty much normally and doing that consistently before Yaz would even consider pulling it out. Frankly, even if the Doctor pulled it out, Yaz would only reinsert it, even if that meant doing so against her will.

Yaz got busy, almost relieved that the Doctor made no effort to come near the food. If nothing else, it confirmed her lucidity which Yaz had been beginning to doubt.

“Can you stir this love?” Yaz asked her after a few minutes, indicating the onions, mushrooms and carrots that were simmering in a pot with the chicken.

The Doctor startled slightly but she moved closer to the oven and shyly took the wooden spoon from Yaz, wedging it into her closed fist. Yaz stayed right beside her as she peeled some potatoes and got them onto the hob to cook and before long there was a meal ready for the table.

Yaz gently prompted the Doctor to put some cutlery on the table while she served. She put a small portion on the Doctor’s plate, not wanting to overwhelm her with too much food and put the extras on a plate on the side of the table so she knew there was more.

Yaz tried to chat normally even though the Doctor wasn’t offering any words of her own as she ate very slowly, giving the Doctor time to pick up her own fork. And finally, her patience was rewarded as the Doctor slowly strapped the fork to her hands using her teeth and began to pick at her dinner. Yaz silently handed her a napkin when food dribbled out of her mouth, passing no comment, fully expecting her to give up on eating then and there but she didn’t.

“Do you want any more?” Yaz offered when the Doctor had finally cleared her plate an hour later. It had been one of the most painstaking and long meals Yaz had ever sat through.

The Doctor shook her head.

“That’s okay. I fancy something sweet so I’m going to make some banana custard to have with tea.” Yaz explained to her.

Yaz quickly cleared the table and turned the hob back on and made a batch of custard, mashing in a banana the way her Nani had done when she and Sonya were kids. She put a bowl in front of the Doctor with a spoon and a mug of tea though without a straw this time.

The Doctor slowly and meticulously ate the banana custard but she didn’t touch the tea or the juice Yaz had given her with her dinner.

Eventually she pushed her almost empty bowl away from her.

“Tired” she said softly.

“I’ll take you to bed in a minute Doctor, you need to have a drink first.”

The Doctor stared at the tea and juice but she made no effort to drink them.

“Doctor, I’m really happy that you ate your dinner but I need you to drink too otherwise I’m going to have to put water through your NG tube instead.” Yaz prompted, wincing when she realised that her words sounded like a threat.

There was a long pause which Yaz elected to wait out.

It was worth it. With a soft sigh the Doctor did as she was told as she slowly drank both drinks in front of her.

“Well done Doctor, I need to make some phone calls, I need to phone mum, Ryan and Graham and Martha. Do you want to speak to any of them?”

The Doctor shook her head.

“That’s okay, I’ll come and help you get ready for bed and then I’ll call. That sound okay?”

The Doctor nodded this time though she didn’t look sure.

“I’ll leave the monitor on and I’ll be sitting in here if you need me… come on. You look exhausted.”

The Doctor slowly headed down the hall. She made slow progress as she got ready for bed but it was a significant improvement on the night before when Najia had done everything for her and Yaz had finished the night by pouring water and nutrition up her nose.

Yaz waited patiently, supporting when necessary as the Doctor had a wash, put on pyjamas and transferred into bed.

“Can I look after your tube?” Yaz asked when she was finally under the duvet.

She nodded nervously.

“It won’t hurt. We changed your tape last night so we don’t need to do that. I do need to check that it’s still in your stomach, then I’ll flush it through with about 50mls of water to keep it clear from any blockages and put some barrier cream around your nose so you don’t get any sores.” Yaz advised her.

Yaz collected the supplies she needed and put on a pair of gloves before she ministered to the tube. She was a lot more confident with it now and she was quick. While it shouldn’t be causing the Doctor pain, it probably wasn’t very comfortable for her, if nothing else having Yaz so close to her face was probably setting of her anxiety.

When she was done, Yaz tucked her in carefully and kissed her gently.

“I won’t be long. The monitor is on so just let me know if you need anything love.” Yaz told her and headed down to the kitchen. Her first call was to Najia which was brief as she was still at work, she just wanted to let her know that the Doctor had eaten and managed most of her own personal care that evening. Her next was to Ryan and Graham who she also updated on the Doctor’s progress but also confirmed that they wouldn’t be over on Christmas day as originally planned. The Doctor couldn’t currently tolerate them being in the next room, there was no way she would cope with being in their house. Especially when it was so inaccessible. Thankfully, neither Ryan nor Graham were offended and agreed that they would celebrate some other time. Her last call was to Martha.

 _“How’s she doing Yaz?”_ Martha asked instantly.

Yaz recounted their day and the little steps the Doctor had taken to look after herself but her almost complete lack of speech, seeking Martha’s advice.

_“I’ve been researching her speech Yaz. From the little I’ve spoken to her and from what you’ve told me I think the condition that is affecting her speech long term is called dysarthria. It’s a condition that affects the muscles used to control speech and can occur after a brain injury. With her extreme muscle weakness that has stopped her walking I think it’s likely. However I think her inability to speak now is purely psychological.”_

“So what can we do about it?”

_“I think you’re going to have to be a little hard on her. Don’t accept nonverbal answers from her. If you ask her a question, keep going until you get some sort of response, even if it’s only one or two words. Try not to get angry with her if she doesn’t respond but keep up the expectation that she will do so verbally. Because of the dysarthria you might find her more difficult to understand than normal because she hasn’t been exercising those muscles. Keep going with that for a few days and see how you get on but obviously phone me if you’re worried. How’s she doing with the naso-gastric tube?”_

“She doesn’t like it but she hasn’t complained. I almost wish she would. I thought she might pull it out seeing as I had to strap her hands to her wheelchair when I put it in but she hasn’t. I’ve explained to her she can't have it out until she’s eating three meals a day plus drinking everything she’s given at a minimum. I'm monitoring how much she’s eating and topping it up with the artificial feeds like you told me to.”

_“Sounds like you’re doing a good job. Any problems with the tube being placed incorrectly, blockages leaks or regurgitation?”_

“No, it looks healthy enough.”

_“You’re doing an amazing job with her Yaz. But remember to look after you too.”_

“Yeah I’m trying. Mum took care of her for me last night and stayed with her this morning when I had to go out but a lot of her old fears, particularly of men and of strangers, have started to resurface. I'm not sure what I'm going to do in the New Year, I don’t have anyone to stay with her when I have to go back to work except mum, but she works too.”

_“Something will turn up Yaz but you never know, she might be doing a whole lot better by then.”_

“I hope she is Martha but I wouldn’t trust her on her own for five minutes at the moment let alone a whole shift. I'm too worried she might try and hurt herself.”

_“Has she done that before?”_

“Yes. Not recently but more than once in the past.”

_“Okay… keep me updated.”_

“I will Martha, Merry Christmas.”

_“Merry Christmas Yaz, give her my love.”_

Yaz hung up the phone and headed back down to the bedroom where she slid into bed beside the Doctor.

“You okay love?” Yaz asked her as she snuggled in close.

Another nod.

Yaz leaned over and kissed her properly on the mouth, light and fleeting but a proper kiss none the less.

“Love you Yaz” the Doctor whispered.

Yaz smiled at her. It was the first spontaneous language she had offered in days. “I love you too Doctor. More than anything or anyone else in the universe.”

Yaz stifled a yawn as she held the Doctor close. She had woken them both shortly before six that morning, sobbing her way through a bad dream and even though it was now gone eight, neither of them had gotten any more sleep and Yaz was still stroking her hair while the Doctor trembled in her arms.

Their last four days, since the Doctor had been out with Najia and eaten the rice pudding, had shown minor improvements in her mental health. She was at least attempting every meal though the portions were too small to provide her with enough calories so Yaz was still giving her artificial nutrition through the feeding tube a couple of times per day to top her up. And she was talking a little more while crying a little less. Yaz couldn’t say they had managed a genuine conversation yet, but she was at least answering questions and offering the occasional spontaneous comment.

“Merry Christmas Doctor.” Yaz told her, kissing her.

“Happy Christmas Yaz.” She replied with a sigh.

“What do you want to do today?”

The Doctor looked at her with a frown, there was a pause while she found her words. “Going to your parents?”

“I didn’t think you would be up for it.” Yaz told her.

“You want to.” The Doctor argued.

“I don’t celebrate Christmas Doctor. It’s not a big deal, we can go and see them another day.”

“It’s a family day. They’re your family.” The Doctor protested.

It was painful to watch her fight for her every word.

“So are you.”

“Have to see your family.”

She had started to stutter.

“I'm not leaving you on your own Doctor.”

“I’ll come.”

But she didn’t look very sure.

“Doctor, don’t think for a minute that I don’t trust you or that I'm not listening to your opinion but I'm not sure that’s a good idea. Mum, Dad, Sonya and Nani will be there and you’re finding things really tough right now. I don’t want you to put yourself in a situation that’s going to cause you more upset because I'm so proud of how you’re clawing yourself back but I don’t want you to rush that process.”

The Doctor glared at her. “I’ll come. We can see your family.”

“Doctor if that is your decision and it’s what you want and you’ve thought about it then that’s okay. But I want you to know there is no expectation for you to do that. All anyone wants for you is that you’re happy and safe.”

“Want to do it for you.”

“And I love you very, very much for that but there are two of us in this relationship. Things have to be right for both of us.”

“I can do it.” The Doctor insisted stubbornly.

Yaz took a breath and evaluated. The Doctor genuinely seemed like she wanted to, it was certainly the most interest she had shown in anything in a while. It had also prompted the most conversation they had had. In fact, she had probably said more in the last half hour than she had the entire day before. Physically she was still shaking but not as much and she had sat herself up without help.

“Okay love.” Yaz agreed. “We can go, after lunch like we had planned though. And we can leave at any point, we don’t have to stay for long.”

Yaz sat up in bed beside her and pulled a parcel out of her bedside table.

“I have a present for you. It’s not much.” Yaz said, handing it over.

“What is it?”

Yaz laughed. “Open it and find out.”

“I have for you too… not wrapped… but I can’t…”

“Where is it?”

“Bottom shelf of my cupboard. Not wrapped.”

Yaz got up and walked round to the Doctor’s side of the bed, opening her beside table and lifting a Tesco bag from the bottom.

“This it?”

The Doctor nodded and Yaz handed it to her.

Yaz climbed back into bed and snuggled closer into the Doctor. She attempted to rest her cold feet against the Doctor’s thigh but it was even colder than her feet and she withdrew them quickly.

“You know that doesn’t work with me… close your eyes.” The Doctor instructed.

Yaz closed her eyes and felt the Doctor drop something soft on her lap. She opened them to reveal a pile of soft wool. Slightly confused, she lifted it up and unfolded it. It was an untidily crocheted scarf, made with a multitude of different colours and stripes of varying widths as though it had been made with odds and sods of wool.

“Did you make this?” Yaz asked in surprise, noticing the crochet hook that was still in the bag.

The Doctor nodded shyly. “Your Nani showed me.”

“When!?”

“Your night shift. She appeared. I was making it when you were at work. But I keep forgetting how to do it and I have to phone Umbreen every time. I knew you would tell me it was good for my hands and brain so I kept trying.”

“You’re right, I would. Thankyou Doctor. I love it, it’s so thoughtful.”

“It’s not finished.”

Yaz laughed. “Doctor it’s longer than me, how much more were you planning on?”

The Doctor shrugged, retreating in on herself.

“Hey” Yaz said softly. “I shouldn’t have laughed at you, I’m sorry. I love it, really I do. And I'm very proud of you for making it… are you going to open your present now?”

Yaz unstrapped the Doctor’s hands from her splints for her and the Doctor hooked her fingers into the paper though she still had to use her teeth to get into the parcel. She pulled out the bulky fabric looking confused.

“We both went home made this year.” Yaz told her. “I was making this for you when you were napping every afternoon, when you stopped I wasn’t sure I was going to get it finished. Actually, I only finished it last night.”

“Umm Yaz, what is it?”

“It’s a weighted blanket. It’s like a normal blanket but it’s full of tiny silicone beads inside little pods and it provides deep pressure. Can I show you?”

The Doctor nodded, looking intrigued and she lay down on her side facing Yaz while Yaz unfolded the heavy blanket, draping it over her.

“This isn’t that heavy, only eleven pounds, it’s supposed to be ten percent of your body weight plus two pounds.”

It had taken Yaz some serious maths to work out how much the Doctor would weigh if she did have two full legs so she could work out how heavy the blanket she should be. She had been disturbed to realise that the Doctor’s full body weight would probably be just under ninety pounds which, with her standing height of nearly five foot six meant that she was severely underweight. But they could add more weight to the blanket if she ever managed to put on some weight.

“How does it feel?”

The Doctor’s brow furrowed as she thought and she let out a content sigh. “It’s like a hug.” She said finally. “It’s nice.”

“Good.” Yaz said, leaning in and kissing her.

They enjoyed a relaxed, lazy morning together. The Doctor had improved her self care skills a little more and was able to dress herself other than her bra which still proved elusive. They had tried sports bras with no clasp but they were too tight against her scars, ones that clasped at the front irritated a particularly sensitive spot between her breasts where the burn had gone down to the bone and she still couldn’t manage the clasp anyway while she couldn’t even move her scarred left arm enough to reach a traditional back clasp.

It was the most relaxed Yaz had felt in a while as she didn’t quite feel the need to watch the Doctor every second in case she hurt herself. She made them some breakfast and handed the Doctor hers which she picked at slowly. She ate most of the cereal and drank a very small glass of water but she would need to be eating twice as much at least before Yaz would pull the feeding tube out and when the Doctor point blank refused to eat anything else Yaz topped up her meagre meal with artificial nutrition through the tube. While in theory there was no reason why the Doctor couldn’t learn to look after the tube herself, if Yaz was totally honest with herself she didn’t trust her just yet. As it was, she was keeping a meticulous note of how much she ate and drink during each meal and how much artificial feeding she had to have on top of that and there was no way the Doctor would manage that on her own at the moment.

A couple of hours later Yaz parked in their usual spot outside her parents block of flats and lifted the Doctor’s wheelchair out of the boot for her, putting it in the right spot for her to transfer before returning to the boot and lifting out feeding supplies and oxygen just in case, she’d already had a panic attack that morning. They had no gifts this year, with the Doctor’s most recent mental health crisis they simply hadn’t been a priority but she knew her family would understand.

“Are you alright love?” Yaz asked when she realised the Doctor hadn’t moved.

The Doctor looked at her anxiously but she had retreated back into silence, her confidence and chat from the morning seeming to have deserted her. She self-consciously touched her cheek where the naso-gastric tube was taped.

Yaz took her hand. “My family know you have a feeding tube Doctor and they know why.” Yaz told her gently. “They won’t be embarrassed or disgusted by it and they won’t think any less of you for needing it. But we can go home again if you want to.”

There was a long pause and finally the Doctor shook her head. She put one hand on her wheelchair and looked at Yaz for reassurance before transferring shakily across. Her prosthetic foot got caught in the footwell and Yaz lifted it out for her. She had been surprised when the Doctor had elected to wear it, especially as she hadn’t been upright since the day of Maisie’s school disco when she had walked with crutches for the first time but she was incredibly self-conscious about the feeding tube and she often elected to wear her leg when she was feeling like that, almost like a shield.

The Doctor propelled her wheelchair forward at a snail’s pace towards the lift and somehow got even slower as they made their way from the lift to the Khan’s front door.

Yaz gave her a brief hug before she let them in. She had phoned Najia that morning and asked that no one crowded them in the hall and reminded them that it was vital that they didn’t hug the Doctor the way they normally did unless they had her express consent but that they should still greet her. And she had asked that Hakim hung back which she felt guilty about. Najia seemed to have heeded Yaz’s advice and she didn’t appear until both Yaz and the Doctor had changed into slippers. She hugged and kissed Yaz as normal and got permission before planting a gentle kiss on the Doctor’s cheek.

“I’m really happy to see you here sweetheart, I’m proud of you.” She whispered into the Doctor’s ear before shooing them both into the living room where Sonya and Umbreen were sitting.

Yaz could see that Sonya was dying to ask questions about the feeding tube but she kept her mouth shut, instead, and Yaz could have cried with how much her sister had finally accepted her girlfriend, when she noticed the Doctor was struggling she suddenly remembered a maths problem she was having trouble with from the homework the Doctor had set her and asked for help. It worked and Sonya plonked herself on the sofa next to where the Doctor was sitting still in her wheelchair, putting her maths textbook between them while Yaz moved to sit beside her Nani.

Satisfied that the Doctor was as relaxed as she was going to get, Yaz wandered into the kitchen, shooting Sonya a look that she hoped conveyed that she should call her if the Doctor started to wobble. She greeted her dad with a warm hug, apologising for having to ask him to stay back which he refused to listen to. Yaz embraced him again, it felt good to be comforted by her dad.

“Will the Doctor eat anything by mouth?” Najia asked, interrupting the hug.

“A little.” Yaz told her. “I’ll serve hers and cut it up but can you make sure you tell her that there’s more food available if she wants it. She’s eating a little each mealtime and small snacks during the day but it’s not enough so when she’s finished eating I’ll probably have to top up what she’s had with artificial nutrition. And she’ll eat very slowly.”

“That’s fine Yaz, don’t look so worried. You know she faces no judgement here.” Hakim told her as she cut the turkey into small pieces.

“Thanks dad.”

A few minutes later, Sonya walked Umbreen to the table and Yaz accompanied the Doctor who had gone distinctly pale.

Yaz caught her hand and bent down beside her.

“No one is looking at you Doctor. Eat what you can, there is loads more in the kitchen and you can have as much or as little as you want. If I need to give you extra through your tube, then it’s not a big deal. No one here is going to judge you or think anything about it, they just want you to be well and if that means you get fed through a tube right now then that’s fine.”

The Doctor didn’t look particularly reassured but she did make her way to the table. Yaz was so grateful for her family as they treated the entire situation normally, not batting an eyelid when they had all nearly finished before the Doctor managed to pick up her fork and eat the smallest possible piece of turkey on her plate. Yaz reached under the table and squeezed her leg comfortingly. They kept the conversation light and flowing while they waited for the Doctor to finish but she barely ate half the plate before she either couldn’t or wouldn’t eat any more.

“You’ve had hardly anything Doctor, can you manage a little more?” Yaz asked her quietly while her family concentrated on talking amongst themselves to allow Yaz and the Doctor a modicum of privacy.

The Doctor didn’t answer but there was a frightened look in her eyes as she silently pleaded with Yaz.

“It’s okay Doctor.” Yaz whispered, holding her hands. “I know you’ve tried, but I am going to feed you through your tube instead.”

Yaz gathered the supplies they needed from the kitchen, she had left them out ready before dinner, and put them on the table. Unfortunately there wasn’t really anywhere they could go that was more private due to the open plan nature of the flat and the Doctor sobbed quietly as Yaz flushed the tube with water, poured the strange smelling artificial feed up her nose and then flushed the tube again. It didn’t hurt but she was mortified.

“Right come on you lot.” Hakim announced as Yaz cleaned up the debris. “We can do the dishes later, I’ve had a real notion to watch Home Alone.” And he ushered the family into the living room.

The Doctor transferred across to the sofa and ended up squashed in between Yaz and Najia. Yaz put an arm around her, encouraging the Doctor to relax against her which she eventually did and Yaz smiled when she realised that her mum had taken the Doctor’s hand for extra reassurance. Umbreen and Hakim were sharing the smaller sofa while Sonya curled up on the floor at her mums feet, letting Najia play with her hair.

The Doctor was aware that this wasn’t the Khan’s usual Christmas routine. They hadn’t exchanged gifts and they loved their after dinner Christmas walk and she knew the change in plan was because of her. She had heard Yaz’s quite phone call with Najia that morning when she had asked her family not to crowd them, not to expect her to chat and not to comment on the damn NG tube that Yaz was refusing to take out. She had vaguely considered just pulling the humiliating thing out herself, but she had no doubt that Yaz would put it straight back in again. When had eating become so difficult? It was… everything was just too much, and she flushed miserably, burying her head in Yaz’s shoulder and stifling a sob as Yaz held her close.

“We can go” Yaz murmured so only she could hear it. “You’ve done so well Doctor and I’m really proud of you but we can go home now.”

She wanted to… she really wanted to… but it was Christmas and Yaz hadn’t been able to spend time with her family for a fortnight. If she cried out now, then she would only be making things worse. She shook her head but curled into Yaz’s side a little more, trying to bring her breathing under control. It was easier when Yaz held her tight with both arms and she could feel Najia rubbing her back. She squeezed her eye shut tight and concentrated on the grounding feeling of Yaz holding her.

Finally, the film finished. Had it always been so long? She was sure she had watched it with Rose and Jackie once and it had been much shorter. Hakim quickly excused himself to make everyone tea and took Sonya with him.

The Doctor gripped Yaz’s hand tightly.

“What is it love?”

Yaz watched the Doctor wrestle with herself as she tried to verbalise her needs but words failed her entirely.

“Do you need the loo?” Yaz guessed.

The Doctor nodded. It was always a problem in the Khan’s as her wheelchair didn’t fit into the small family bathroom or the ensuite attached to the master bedroom and Yaz always had to stay with her because she had no way of compensating her shoddy balance without strategically placed grab bars.

“Hey” Yaz whispered. “Relax. I’ll help you. You’ve got your leg on, you can manage a few steps from the door to the toilet.”

The Doctor looked at her miserably. She hadn’t been on her feet since Maisie. In fact the only physiotherapy she had had, had been passive stretches from Yaz.

“I’ve got you, I won’t let you fall.” Yaz whispered and the Doctor nodded reluctantly.

She transferred into her wheelchair and stopped outside the bathroom door where she put her feet flat on the floor, relieved that she had put her prosthetic on that morning – well, Yaz had put it on for her.

“You can do this Doctor. You know I wouldn’t suggest it if I didn’t think you could.” Yaz reassured her as she firmly supported the Doctor under her forearms and helped her into a standing position.

Yaz held her tight as the dizziness hit, she had been expecting it, but the Doctor clearly hadn’t as she pitched forwards and Yaz caught her easily.

“You’re okay. Just breathe. You haven’t been upright for a while. I've got you, you’re not going to fall.” Yaz said her softly in her ear. The Doctor nodded after a few minutes and raised her head from where it had been buried in the crook of Yaz’s neck.

“Come on, you can do this.” Yaz encouraged her.

The Doctor scrunched up her face, took a breath and made a concentrated effort to force her legs into doing their job. She normally wore an orthotic brace around her left foot when she was walking to stop her foot from trailing and while it wasn’t comfortable, right now she was remembering why. But Yaz was strong and patient and wasn’t going to let her fall.

It felt like it took forever to shuffle the few steps from the doorway to the toilet in the Khan’s tiny bathroom where Yaz guided her hands to a set of grab bars. Wait… since when did the Khan’s have grab bars in their toilet? She realised that they must have had them installed specially for her and the thought made her feel both warm and loved as well as a massive inconvenience as Yaz helped her with her trousers and then stepped outside to give her privacy.

Over the next two weeks Yaz concentrated on helping the Doctor rebuild some strength and take care of her mental health. They got out every day to walk the paths around the woods… or at least Yaz walked and the Doctor rolled. She actually walked every day too, mostly using her walking frame but also putting some practice in with her crutches with Yaz holding onto her gait belt for security. Najia came over regularly and Sonya had resumed her tutoring sessions. From the outside things looked like they had gone back to normal but they hadn’t. Supporting the Doctor and keeping on top of her fragile mental health was like trying to push treacle up a mountain. She hadn’t spent any time with Ryan or Graham, when they came over she had taken to hiding in their bedroom and she refused to discuss Maisie at all though Yaz had continued to see her and speak to her. 

The Doctor’s arms were trembling with the effort as she attempted to do a second lap of their hallway on her crutches.

“Keep going Doctor, you can do this.” Yaz encouraged. 

“I can't” she gasped.

“Yes you can.”

“Yaz” she whined.

“Doctor, I’m not going to let you fall. If I thought for one second you couldn’t do this then I wouldn’t be pushing you, but I know you can.”

And she could do it though by the time Yaz helped her back into her wheelchair she was a shaky, teary mess and Yaz, once again, felt like the worst person in the world as she comforted her.

“Come on.” Yaz encouraged. “We got a parcel addressed to the two of us this morning, let’s open it. I think it’s from Nani, I recognise her writing.” Yaz had deliberately saved the parcel as she had suspected the Doctor would need something to cheer her up after physiotherapy.

Yaz opened the parcel, Umbreen tended to get a little trigger happy with the Sellotape which made her parcels hard to get into. Underneath the layer of brown parcel paper there were three gifts wrapped in shiny paper – two large ones with one for each of them and a third smaller one for the Doctor.

Yaz got into hers first. “It’s my Christmas jumper!” she crowed excitedly, holding out the soft moss green jumper. “Let’s see yours?”

The Doctor had finally managed to get into hers and she hooked her thumbs under it, holding it out to look at.

“It’s beautiful.” She said softly, embarrassed to find that she was tearing up.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in proper pink before.” Yaz commented. The jumper was a dusty, rosy pink and round the hem were tiny raised rainbow shapes knitted in a pink and purple variated wool. “What’s in the other parcel?”

The second parcel was flat and the Doctor struggled to open it so Yaz ended up doing it for her. Out fell five different coloured… bras, one pair of knickers and a note. The Doctor flushed bright red and Yaz unfolded the note and read it out loud to her, feeling too lazy to go on a hunt for her glasses which had probably been abandoned in the living room or bedroom.

_Doctor, you mentioned to me that your bra was the only thing you can't do to dress yourself now. I hope you don’t mind but I asked my daughter to explain why and then I made you these. They have no clasp and are 100% silk with no wires so shouldn’t rub at any of your scars. The four coloured ones are for everyday and the black one with the matching panties are for special occasions! All my love, Umbreen XXX_

Yaz burst out laughing. “I can't believe my nani made my girlfriend lingerie.” She howled.

The Doctor managed to crack a smile at that, and was about to respond when there was a knock on the front door. The Doctor pushed herself away from Yaz, scrambling towards their bedroom as fast as she could in fright.

It was only Ryan and Graham. Under advice from Martha, Yaz had invited them over in an effort to help the Doctor feel comfortable around them and Graham was going to cook. Yaz wasn’t convinced it was a good idea, especially considering the feeding tube the Doctor still had taped to her cheek but Martha had argued that they needed to tackle her worries and fears about having the boys in the house before they became full blown phobias which Yaz could see the logic of… but the Doctor was terrified and Yaz very much doubted she would be able to talk her out of the bedroom until they had gone.

Yaz dithered in the hall before deciding to give the Doctor some space. By the time she made it into the kitchen, Graham was already sliding a fish pie into the oven that he had made at home and Ryan was pressing tea into her hands.

“How’re you two doing cockle?”

“The last time we had your fish pie was the first night we got her downstairs after her brain infection. Do you remember?” Yaz commented, not answering the question.

“Sure. We had just gotten her into the Beast for the first time. You fed her and then you both played with play dough, she fell asleep in your arms on the sofa.”

“I miss her.” Yaz sighed.

She put her head on Graham’s shoulder when he wrapped his arms around her. Having the two of them here felt like such a blessed relief from the overwhelming responsibility of it all, even if it was temporary. Ryan slipped out past them.

Ryan knocked on the bedroom door lightly. “Doctor, it’s Ryan, I’m coming in.” he warned.

Ryan opened the door, the Doctor was in the corner. She wasn’t looking at him and she was rocking back and forth, holding herself tightly as though she was worried her seams might split. Ryan perched on the chair beside her, close enough that she had to pay attention but not so close to be a threat and making sure he wasn’t blocking her exit.

“Doctor, it’s Ryan. I know you don’t want to see me right now but Yaz can't keep going on her own. You know I would never hurt you or do anything to make you uncomfortable. I know your brain is telling you all sorts of things that are making everything seem scary and confusing but Graham and I, we’re here to help you and to be with you and support you. We’re your fam Doctor, all we want is for you to get better.”

The Doctor didn’t respond but she did stop rocking and Ryan knew she was listening.

“You’re working so hard Doctor and we know that. Please, let us help you.”

The Doctor had started crying again but she held out her hand hesitantly. Ryan took it, hers was so small compared to his, and he squeezed it tightly.

“Please Doctor, come and sit with us. Yaz will stay right next to you if you want her to. Graham and I will sit at the opposite side of the table. You don’t have to say anything to us, but please come and be with us. We miss you.”

That night, for the first time in a month, Yaz didn’t have to feed the Doctor through her feeding tube as she not only ate the tiny helping of fish pie Yaz had put on her plate but also the second helping that Graham had slid onto her plate as soon as she’d finished without asking. And while she didn’t speak to either Ryan or Graham, she did sit at the kitchen table for the length of the meal.

“You ready for this Doctor?” Yaz asked three days later as she prepared to remove the Doctor’s naso-gastric tube. She had finally managed to start ingesting enough calories by mouth without Yaz having to bully her into it… it had only taken five weeks.

“Yeah” she whispered and she took the hand Ryan was offering her for support.

“Before I do this Doctor, you need to know that if you stop eating or drinking again, even if it’s just one meal, I will reinsert the tube without hesitating, even if I have to restrain you to do that. Do you understand? I'm not threatening you but you have to eat and drink.”

The Doctor nodded.

“Okay, this might be uncomfortable, but it shouldn’t hurt.” Yaz warned her gently, pulling on a pair of sterile gloves. She started by flushing the Doctor’s feeding tube with water to clear it before she carefully unstuck the medical tape that had been keeping it secure on her cheek.

“I’m going to pull it out.”

The Doctor nodded and squeezed her eye shut, simultaneously squeezing Ryan’s hands. She gagged and spluttered, her eye streaming.

“It’s okay, you’re okay, it’s out.” Yaz reassured her, pressing the Doctor’s water bottle into her hands and encouraging the Doctor to drink while she cleaned the tape residue from her face and used a cotton bud with cream on the painful skin around her nose.

“I am so proud of you Doctor.” Yaz whispered, ignoring Ryan who moved away to give the two women their privacy as they embraced.

“I owe you an apology Yaz.” The Doctor whispered, touching her now clean cheek, a soft look of relief gracing her features.

“You owe me nothing.” Yaz argued fiercely.

“I owe you everything.”

Yaz moved along the sofa so the Doctor could transfer to sit next to her. 

“You don’t owe me anything.” Yaz repeated. “I love you so much more than I can tell you, but you owe me nothing. I know you’re doing your absolute best love. I know that more than I know anything. And as long as you keep doing your best than I’m still going to be here for you… I’m sorry about what happened with Maisie Doctor. If I had had any idea what was going to happen with her that night, I never would have left the two of you alone.”

“It wasn’t your fault Yaz.”

“It wasn’t anyone’s fault, it just happened. But I would never leave you alone to deal with something like that. I’m always here for you Doctor.”

“I know Yaz. I love you.”

Yaz kissed her, cupping her cheek and enjoying that the feeding tube wasn’t in the way anymore.

“Love you too.” She whispered.


	90. Chapter 90

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Self Harm.
> 
> Please let me know what you think below. As those of us who live in England head into Lockdown 2.0 things are becoming harder again for us all and mental health can be a struggle. A comment or thought really helps those of us writing know that people are enjoying our work and shows appreciation for what is hours of work and effort - writing one chapter of Shattered takes about 15-20 hours. 
> 
> For those of you who read and enjoyed Obtuse, its sequel Obscure is now up.

Yaz leaned over and kissed the Doctor’s cheek. “I’m proud of you for doing this.”

The Doctor blushed but took the hand Yaz offered her under the table and nudged her tea a little closer with the other.

They were sitting in a small coffee shop near the play park in town. It was the week before Maisie’s school half term, the end of February, and she and the Doctor were meeting again for the first time since the ‘incident’ that had caused the Doctor’s mental health crisis nine weeks previously. They had spoken on the phone a couple of times and Maisie had seen Yaz regularly but it had taken a long time before Yaz and the Doctor agreed that the Doctor was stable enough to get together again. If all went to plan, Maisie was coming to stay for a couple of days during her half term break and they were going to celebrate a belated Christmas together.

While the Doctor was doing a lot better than she had been, especially on the surface, Yaz was still anxious that the meeting would go well. The Doctor had become very squirrely about being touched again and Maisie didn’t always respect personal space. Yaz was just relieved that, so far at least, she was coping with the café, the last time they had gone out she had had a panic attack.

“You okay?” Yaz asked.

“I’m fine Yaz.”

“You’ll tell me if you’re not?”

Yaz decided against pointing out that she could see her trembling and she knew she was in pain, even if she wasn’t saying anything.

“Promise.”

Yaz’s phone buzzed against the table with a message from Carole. “They’re coming. Maisie’s feeling a bit worried apparently.”

“What about?”

“Carole doesn’t say but you’re her favourite person and she hasn’t seen you in a while. The last time she saw you, you were hiding under the kitchen table.”

The Doctor blushed.

“You don’t need to be embarrassed Doctor.”

“Oh sure, hiding under the kitchen table from an eleven year old and having you shove a tube up my nose is something to be proud of.”

“No, coming back from a major mental health crisis is.” Yaz pointed out gently.

“I had a panic attack this morning.” She snorted.

“Yeah and now you’re here. You’re doing great love… they’re here.”

Carole had just entered the café with Maisie clutching her hand and trailing behind her.

The Doctor reflexively squeezed Yaz’s hand where she was still clutching it under the table, closing her eye against an assault of memories of Maisie screaming at her, of being burned and of being hit and kicked.

“You’re okay love.” Yaz whispered reassuringly as Carole arrived at the table and greeted them cheerfully.

“Hi sweetheart!” Yaz greeted Maisie.

“Yaz!” Maisie hugged her tightly. “Yaz I got all my spellings right today!”

“That’s fantastic sweetheart!”

“And and and I moved up a reading book level! I’m reading blue books now!”

“Maisie I’m so proud of you!” Yaz kissed her. She knew that blue books were the average reading level of a six and a half year old.

“Maisie are you going to say hi to Jane?” Carole prompted.

“Can I have hot chocolate Carole? Please?” Maisie asked, ignoring her request but she was staring at the Doctor through the corner of her eye.

“Sure.” Carole agreed.

“Come on Maisie.” Yaz offered. “I’ll take you up to get one. Maybe we can find some nice looking cake too.” Yaz took her up to the counter and they joined the end of a long queue.

“Jane is doing okay you know sweetheart, you can talk to her.” Yaz told her when they had joined the end of the long queue. Thankfully it wasn’t reflective of how busy the café was.

Maisie shrugged.

Yaz bent down so they were eye to eye. “Maisie, is there anything you want to ask me? Jane can't hear you when we’re over here. You can ask me anything you want to, and I’ll try and answer you as best as I can, I won’t be cross or think you’re asking me a bad question.”

“You said Jane has PBSG.”

Yaz smiled. “PTSD. Yes, she does.”

“Is she better now?”

“PTSD isn’t a sickness that people can get better from Maisie. Jane will always have PTSD. Sometimes it’s not a big problem and she can do pretty much everything she wants to but other times it harder for her to deal with. Most of the time she’s okay but then sometimes things happen that make it worse. Those are called triggers. They make her bad memories and scary thoughts and nightmares harder for her to deal with and sometimes she needs time where she can just be quiet and concentrate on getting better.”

“Is she mad at me?”

“No sweetheart.”

“Then why wouldn’t she come and visit me?”

“It’s not that she didn’t want to Maisie, she couldn’t, she was too sick.”

“Was she throwing up?”

“No sweetie, remember I said it was her mind was sick, not her body.”

“But what does that mean?” Maisie asked frustrated.

Yaz closed her eyes briefly as she considered how best to answer Maisie’s questions. Allah it was hard to explain mental health to an adult, let alone a child.

“It means different things for different people. For Jane it means she has a really hard time talking and doing things to look after herself, so I had to help her do those things. She cried lots and felt very unsafe, so I needed to give her lots and lots of cuddles.”

“I could have given her cuddles.”

“I know Maisie. But she was feeling really scared of other people. She didn’t want to see our friends or my family.”

Maisie sighed and pointed out a chocolate brownie from the cake selection when Yaz encouraged her to pick one. She took Yaz’s hand and followed her back to the table where she slipped into a seat opposite the Doctor and beside Carole.

“Hi Maisie” the Doctor greeted her quietly. She would be lying if she said she wasn’t struggling, both with being in proximity to the little girl again and also with Maisie’s reaction to her. She felt like she had monumentally screwed up their relationship and she had no idea how to fix it though she knew it would probably be easier if she didn’t feel slightly sick with anxiety just from sitting across the table from her even though Yaz was right next to her and holding her hand again.

Maisie ignored her and poked at the chocolate brownie in front of her and the Doctor glanced at Yaz, unsure of what she should be doing next.

“Carole, are you going to…” Yaz began, attempting to start a conversation.

“I thought you had a tube in your nose.” Maisie interrupted crossly, staring at the Doctor.

The Doctor shifted uncomfortably. “I did but now I'm feeling better I don’t have it anymore.”

“But Yaz said you’re still sick.”

The Doctor looked at Yaz, seeking clarification.

“I explained to Maisie about PTSD.” Yaz explained.

The Doctor sighed. While Yaz wouldn’t have said anything bad as such, she had really hoped to keep her mental health problems away from Maisie. She had also hoped to keep her physical problems away from her, but that ship had sailed a long time ago.

“I will always have PTSD. Just like my leg won’t grow back.”

“That’s what Yaz said.”

“Yeah? Yaz is really smart.”

Maisie went back to poking listlessly at her brownie.

“Is that why you don’t love me anymore? Because I hurted you and you got bad PCSE?”

The Doctor reached across the table for Maisie’s hand but she snatched it away. She was staring resolutely at the table and refusing to meet the Doctor’s eye.

“Maisie, I love you just the same as I always did. Me being sick, that’s not your fault. And you are not responsible for making me better.”

“I’m sorry I hurted you Jane. I wish you still loved me.”

“Maisie I do lo…”

“Carole can we go home now?” Maisie whispered, tugging on Carole’s jumper.

Carole smiled apologetically at Yaz and the Doctor. “Sure Maisie. You’ll see Yaz and Jane next week for Christmas.”

“I thought we could decorate the Christmas tree together.” Yaz said positively.

“That’s okay.” Maisie sighed, slipping her hand into Carole’s and hiding behind her.

The Doctor watched them go. “Well that went well.” She muttered.

“She’s feeling very rejected. Not just by you but by everyone. She knows she’s moving on from Carole and Paul but she doesn’t when or where she’s going. She worries about you. Everything is very confusing for her right now and she doesn’t know if she’s coming or going.”

“I’m no good for her.”

“You can understand her better than anyone.” Yaz argued. “You need to be patient with her, she is a profoundly damaged, very confused and extremely mixed up eleven year old. But she needs to be patient with you too.”

“I’m the grown-up in this relationship, she shouldn’t have to be patient with me. She needs people who are more stable and aren’t going to hide under their own kitchen table.”

“Maisie needs adults who understand her, will love her unconditionally and who can teach her all the things she has missed out on because all the adults in her life up until the last few months have grossly let her down, number one being empathy.”

The Doctor flicked the brakes off her wheelchair and pushed herself away from the table, heading out to the car.

“Why don’t you lie down for an hour?” Yaz suggested when they got home.

“Why would I do that? Sonya will be here in a bit for maths. I might be useless to Maisie, but I will get your sister through her exams.”

“You’re not useless to Maisie and I know you’re in pain.”

“I'm fine.”

“No, you’re not. Nerve pain?”

“It’s not that bad.”

Yaz took hold her hands to still them temporarily. “Your body is shaking nearly as much as it does in a seizure. Lie down with your weighted blanket. I’ll come with you.” Yaz encouraged.

The Doctor gave in and Yaz followed her down the hall.

“Can you transfer?” Yaz asked, moving the duvet out of the way for her.

The Doctor moved her wheelchair into the right position to transfer herself, but she couldn’t make her hand hold onto the transfer bar beside the bed.

“No.” she admitted finally.

Yaz lifted her into bed, she was too shaky to transfer safely, and helped her settle on her side.

“Do you want me to hold you?”

“No please… please don’t touch me.” She groaned.

The nerve pain and tremors had taken hold of her whole body and she was now pale and ashen, a sheen of sweat across her face.

“Okay, I won’t. Try the weighted blanket though, it might help.”

The Doctor nodded and allowed Yaz to drape the blanket across her. Yaz turned out the main light and turned on the bedside lamp instead, angling it away from the Doctor and then laid down beside her. 

“You don’t… don’t have to s…s…stay. Sh… sh…should be w…working.” The Doctor stuttered.

“I can be here with you.”

“Go… go work Y…Yaz.”

Yaz got off the bed without a word but she reappeared a few minutes later with a stack of blue carboard folders and a pen.

She sat in the chair they kept beside their bed and spread the paperwork across the bed.

“W…W…what… …doing?” She was gasping for breath now and Yaz got up and slipped the oxygen mask over her face for extra support. She point blank refused all forms of medication, including pain relief, after being so heavily drugged by the Mhufeist and putting her on oxygen was about the only thing they had when things got hard for her.

“I'm working. I'm not leaving you on your own when you’re in this much pain. Now stop talking, you’re wasting too much energy. Just try and get some rest.”

The Doctor closed her eye and gave a tiny nod, settling her head against the pillow while Yaz tried to concentrate on working.

There was silence for a while, punctuated only by the scratching of Yaz’s pen and small moans of discomfort from the Doctor as she battled through the nerve pain. Yaz knew there was nothing she could do to ease the Doctor’s pain but each moan she gave was like a physical blow to her heart. She longed to go and sit somewhere else so she didn’t have to hear them but she would never leave the Doctor to push through it alone. She knew nerve pain was common for patients recovering from brain injuries and there was very little that could be done about it but that didn’t make the reality of it any easier to watch. She hadn’t had an attack this bad in months though.

Yaz jumped when the doorbell rang, though for a change the Doctor didn’t. Yaz knew that meant she had retreated quite far into her own head to try and cope with how much pain she was in.

“Doctor, that’s Sonya. Do you want me to tell her you’ll text to rearrange?”

To Yaz’s surprise, the Doctor shook her head. “D… distraction is good.”

“That might be easier for me to believe if you could open your eye and look at me.” Yaz told her gently.

The Doctor gave a tiny smile and opened her eye which was red rimmed and wet. “Just don’t ask me to move or I’ll be sick.”

“I won’t. I’ll send her down. Do you want anything?”

“A kiss?” the Doctor asked hopefully.

Yaz laughed. “Course.” She swooped in and placed a gentle kiss on the Doctor’s forehead which wasn’t obscured by the mask.

“I love you.”

“Love you t…t…t…too.”

Yaz picked up her paperwork to complete at her desk and went down the hall to find Sonya already helping herself to tea and biscuits.

“Sometimes I think you only come here to eat free food.” Yaz remarked, wrapping her arms around her sister.

“Wouldn’t want anyone to think I come here to see you.” Sonya quipped. “Where’s the Doctor?”

“Bed.”

Sonya instantly looked worried. “What’s happened? Has she?... “

“Physical today, not mental.” Yaz confirmed softly. “Nerve pain.”

“What’s that?”

“You know how she can't really deal with light touches because her body interprets them as pain? It’s an extension of that but she’s in agony right now throughout her body and it’s causing her muscles to twitch and spasm which only makes things worse.”

“Should I go?”

“She’s been resting for a while. Think she’s looking for the distraction to be honest.”

“So what do I do?”

“Just treat her like you always do Sonya. She’s in pain and she’s very nauseous but she can still do maths. If she needs to stop, she’ll tell you.”

Sonya looked nervous as she walked down the hall but Yaz was glad she was there so she could have a break.

Sonya knocked on the bedroom door and let herself in. She hated how much her sister’s room looked like a sick room as the Doctor lay flat on her back with the dark blue weighted blanket draped over her and the oxygen mask clamped to her face.

“Hi.” Sonya greeted nervously.

The Doctor didn’t move, or at least not voluntarily – Sonya could see what Yaz had meant about how her muscles were twitching and spasming, they looked out of control, like some sort of macabre dance.

“Hi Sonya, come in.” the Doctor greeted. She looked dreadful but she had a small smile on her face.

“How are you?”

The Doctor raised her eyebrows and let out a small snort of laughter. “Just wonderful, thanks Sonya… you can sit down you know.”

“Sorry.” Sonya moved properly into the room and sat in the chair Yaz had vacated a few minutes previously. “We can do this another day.”

A deep, pained groan slipped past her lips and Sonya looked upset.

“I'm fine Sonya, nothing wrong with my ability to do mental arithmetic because I'm certainly not writing anything down today.”

Sonya groaned. Mental arithmetic was her weakest area of maths and went back to her struggle to fundamentally understand how numbers worked. “Can you move at all right now?” she asked with interest.

“Not really no. And just because you keep talking to me doesn’t mean we’re going to do any less maths.”

Sonya smiled guiltily. “Has anyone ever told you you’re a total slavedriver.”

“Loads of times. Funnily enough I say the same thing about Yaz when she’s making me do physiotherapy.”

“Yaz has been bossy since the day she was born.”

“226+274.”

“What?”

“Maths Sonya. It’s why you’re here. 226+274. What strategies have we been working on for you to work that out?”

She was muffled through the mask, but Sonya knew better than to assume that her badly damaged body meant that she was any less mentally competent.

Relentless the Doctor may have been in her determination to teach Sonya, regardless of her physical state, but she was a patient and encouraging teacher and while Sonya often felt pretty stupid as she worked on maths that the average eight year old could complete the thought that the Doctor could teach her while she was clearly in so much pain inspired her to keep going. 

Yaz had appeared about ten minutes previously to let them know she was nipping out to the corner shop and Sonya was trying to stall for time as she tried to figure out three multiplied by twenty-nine in her head when she realised the Doctor was making a strange noise. She looked over… the Doctor was struggling, and she was going blue. She looked at Sonya desperately.

Sonya panicked. Yaz had once explained how the Doctor could go from completely fine to incredibly sick in a matter of seconds. She had seen it happen but never while they were on their own. She dithered hopelessly – should she call an ambulance? Call Yaz? All while the Doctor was making horrendous noises like she was choking or something. Sonya forced herself to look… choking… she was choking. Good. Well not good but she was flat on her back and Sonya might not have known much about medicine but she had looked after enough drunk friends to know you never left someone on their back because if they vomited they would choke….

Trying to keep her panic at bay Sonya grabbed at the Doctor pulling her into a semi-upright position where she slumped alarmingly over her. The sounds weren’t getting any better and Sonya could see her own panic mirrored on the Doctor’s face.

_Think! Think! Think!_

She remembered watching Ryan help her cough once, months ago. He had explained that her muscle weakness affected all of her muscles including the ones that helped her cough which was why she had to be very careful about how she ate and drank….

Sonya pulled off the Doctor’s oxygen mask, desperate for some guidance about what the hell she should be doing and instantly some vomit started to dribble out of her mouth. Sonya pulled her further forwards and slammed her on the back the way she had seen Ryan do but it didn’t seem to be helping. The Doctor was looking increasingly distressed and she was becoming heavier in Sonya’s arms.

Shit! Was she losing consciousness?

Feeling more desperate by the second Sonya grabbed the Doctor’s face, forced her mouth open and shoved her fingers in, trying to clear the vile smelling gunk from her throat, scooping it out without even noticing that she was now covered in it.

“Don’t you dare die on me. Yaz’ll never forgive me.” She begged as the Doctor weakly coughed up more of the muck while Sonya slapped her on the back again, trying to dislodge any from her lungs. She kept coughing and spluttering until no more appeared to be coming.

Sonya grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her roughly.

“Is that it? Is it over?” she demanded.

The Doctor looked dazed.

“Snap out of it Doctor. I don’t know what the hell I'm doing!”

“I… I’m okay.” She said eventually as the little bit of strength she had had in her body left her and she collapsed forwards. Sonya only just caught her before she fell off the bed.

Sonya awkwardly patted the Doctor on the back. She felt like she should be doing something else for her right now but she wasn’t sure what, especially when she started to cry. She was covered in vomit… they both were, should she be helping her change? Wash her even? She knew Yaz did it all the time and her mum had done it a few times, but it wasn’t something she had ever felt the need to do… but she couldn’t leave her in such a state.

“It’s okay, it’s over.” Sonya said uncomfortably, but she had never felt so relieved as she did when she heard the front door open.

“YAZ!” she shouted frantically.

Immediately, Yaz’s footsteps could be heard running down the hall.

“What happened?” she cried, crouching down beside them, rubbing the Doctor’s back.

“I don’t know. I think she threw up, but she was lying flat and then she choked? I don’t know.” Sonya was wringing her hands anxiously.

Yaz moved so she was sitting beside them on the bed.

“Did she lose consciousness?” Yaz asked Sonya as she checked the Doctor’s pulse before cleaning the oxygen mask and settling it back over the Doctor’s face, concerned at how pale she was.

“I don’t think so… not really… but she looked like she was in and out there for a minute.”

“Okay… Doctor, how’re you feeling love?”

The Doctor met her gaze. She touched the mask but made no attempt to remove it, instead she nodded exhaustedly.

“Do you need help to get cleaned up?” Yaz asked.

She was shaking as much as she had been all afternoon and Sonya was still holding her up.

The Doctor’s head drooped and she nodded again.

“I’m going to get your shower cradle and a bowl okay? I’ll be right back. Sonya stay where you are just for a minute. I don’t want her to have to move more than necessary.”

Yaz quickly pulled the shower cradle out of the garage and also grabbed a bucket, disinfectant and the kitchen roll to clean up the mess that had been made. In the bedroom she gently lifted the Doctor away from Sonya and rested her in the cradle, setting it so it was in a slightly more reclined position rather than fully upright.

“Help yourself to anything from the wardrobe and there’s another shower upstairs.” Yaz told her sister as she whisked the Doctor into the bathroom. She was weak and exhausted but at least managed to put some sort of effort into cleaning herself up with Yaz’s assistance.

When they emerged a while later Yaz was touched to see that Sonya had already put fresh sheets on the bed and she took the Doctor down to the living room and helped her settle on the sofa.

Somehow Sonya ended up staying and making popcorn and the three of them squashed onto the sofa with a film, the Doctor’s head on a cushion in Yaz’s lap and Lilah in her favourite spot in the world – tucked up under the Doctor’s chin.

“Surprised she likes it there, thought cats always went for the warm spots.”

“I am warm.” The Doctor protested.

“Doctor sleeping next to you is like cuddling an ice-cube. There’s a reason we have the electric blanket and flannel pyjamas on in the middle of the summer.” Yaz joked though it was true.

“You can't complain Yaz” Sonya interjected. “You always have cold feet.”

“Not as cold as the Doctor is.”

Sonya reached out and touched the Doctor’s hand.

“Okay that is cold.”

“Poor circulation.” The Doctor lied looking cross. “Why are you ganging up on me?”

“Because you moved in with Yaz before any of us knew you were even dating and I missed out on way too many opportunities to mock you, make you feel uncomfortable by implying what you and my sister might get up to you and generally be an irritating little sister… do you have sisters?”

“I did.” The Doctor replied in a rare moment of candour.

Sonya found herself having to look away. The pain from that tiny sentence. She could have kicked herself. She knew next to nothing about her sister’s girlfriend’s past but she did know that it was lonely and painful and she hid behind smiles and rainbows and talking too fast.

“Do you wanna stay for dinner Sonya? Ryan and Graham are coming over for a takeaway.” Yaz interrupted.

“Sure.”

“Good. And if you’re going to mock my girlfriend I get to mock your boyfriend by the way.”

It wasn’t long after that before Ryan and Graham showed up bearing bags from the local chip shop.

“Burger for you Doc” Graham announced cheerfully, dropping it into her lap. “Chicken for Yaz, kebab for Sonya…”

Yaz helped the Doctor into more of a sitting position and opened the tightly wrapped, fragrant parcel of chips for her and started eating her own chicken, watching as the Doctor made no effort to eat.

“Thought you weren’t nauseous anymore.” Yaz said to her quietly.

“I'm not.”

“Then you need to eat.”

“I'm not hungry.”

“Doctor you have three options here. Feed yourself. Have one of us feed you or I will reinsert the NG tube and feed you that way.”

The Doctor glared at her, clearly unappreciative of Yaz’s strict tone but also knowing full well that Yaz wasn’t joking.

She grunted in frustration as she tried to make her hands cooperate and pick up a chip… they did smell incredible. But instead of picking one up, a particularly violent jerk caused her to smear her hand through the puddle of ketchup on her plate instead. Yaz lightly caught her hand before she could make any more of a mess and wiped it clean. She stabbed a chip with the Doctor’s fork and held it for her. She tried to take it, she really did, but her body was still shaking far too much to coordinate and she flushed miserably as Yaz held it to her lips to feed her.

“I don’t need to be fed.” She muttered, annoyed though far more annoyed with herself than she was with Yaz.

“Really? Can you feed yourself?”

“No.”

“Then you need to be fed. Is it going to be this or a tube feed?”

Yaz was keeping her voice down but they were both aware that Sonya, Ryan and Graham were all listening though they pretended not to be as they watched a random episode of the Simpsons that Ryan had found in an attempt to give Yaz and the Doctor some privacy.

Yaz speared one of her own chips and fed herself before holding the Doctor’s back to her mouth for her. She ate it reluctantly but she had to admit, they did taste good – hot, salty, greasy and just the right amount of vinegar. Yaz cut her burger in half and held it up for her and she took a bite, it was good too. Would have tasted even better if she had been able to feed herself.

The episode of the Simpsons ended and Graham flicked off the television. “Are you ladies free on Monday afternoon?” he asked directing his question at Yaz and the Doctor. “Not that you’re not welcome to come along love.” He added to Sonya.

“I’m working.” She declined politely.

“What’s on Monday Graham?”

“The charity I volunteer with, they’re doing a big fundraiser in the park. Games, food, music, stalls, rides. Thought you might like to come along.”

“I’m working but it’s a short shift, I’ll be done by 2pm. Doctor?”

The Doctor forced herself to smile. “Why not.” She agreed nervously.

Yaz shot her an understanding smile. She had barely been over the door since the incident with Maisie and a large, open environment with lots of people, noise, smells and visuals would be very hard on her. Not to mention, her wheelchair did not like grass, especially wet, muddy February grass. But Graham seemed so excited it was hard to say no to him. 

Thankfully, a decent nights sleep and some expert physio from Yaz meant that, by the next morning, the Doctor was feeling a little more stable and in a little less pain. Far from perfect but at least well enough to complete simple self-care tasks and be left on her own while Yaz completed a short shift at work.

In ‘the unit’, just behind the police station Yaz was interviewing a victim of sexual assault with Vera. She had been with the woman, who strongly reminded her of her nani, for hours and she had finally been collected by her daughter.

“Are you alright Yaz?” asked Vera kindly, putting a hand on Yaz’s back. She was still officially Yaz’s mentor and had taken a back seat in the interview to allow Yaz to take the lead.

“She reminds me of my nani… the thought of someone treating her like that.” Yaz shuddered. “Her family thought she was safe in her care home. She should have been safe.” Yaz was angry and her jaw clenched.

“Yaz you’re girlfriend was raped and tortured for months, you know that unfortunately the world doesn’t work like that.”

“Don’t bring Jane into this. This is nothing to do with her.”

“I’m sorry, that was insensitive of me… look you’ve got half an hour of your shift left, go and write up your paperwork so you can go home. You’ve been here since six.””

“Yeah I’m going.” Yaz sighed, still annoyed with her for thoughtlessly bringing up the Doctor’s own situation. While her team all knew a little about what she had been through after her presentation Yaz had made it very clear that it in no way influenced her work, nor was it up for discussion.

Yaz had barely sat down at her desk when Jennifer came rushing out of her office.

“Yaz, a call just through from emergency dispatch. It’s from Carole.”

Yaz was on her feet before she knew what was happening.

“Maisie?”

“I don’t know. Uniforms on their way, go.”

Yaz didn’t need to be told twice, she was already on her way out the door.

As she ran outside she pulled out her phone.

“Doctor, it’s Yaz, I’m going to be home a little later than planned, I’ll keep you updated.” Yaz said as soon as the Doctor picked up the phone.

_“Yaz, you sound upset, is everything okay?”_

“I’m fine.” Yaz lied. “Busy day.” She was still technically on police duty and she couldn’t tell the Doctor what had happened. Yet.

Yaz drove as fast as she could through the quiet streets until she got to Carole and Paul’s house, relieved to see that there was already a patrol car parked outside.

“Yaz! Thank God!” shouted Carole, running towards her.

“Carole, what’s happening?”

“She’s been really quiet the last few days. I couldn’t get her up this morning for school. I phoned social services for advice but they were useless. She was in bed refusing to look at me all morning and I went to make her some lunch but when I got back she had locked the door and all I could hear was this banging sound. She’s not responding to me at all. I didn’t know what else to do.”

“You did the right thing Carole. I'm going upstairs.”

Yaz ran upstairs. She could hear the noise that Carole had been referring to, a dull, rhythmic thudding sound.

“Why haven’t you broken the door down?” Yaz demanded, seeing the two young patrol officers… though they weren’t that young. At least one was probably older than she was but she was the sergeant here.

“We think the kid is sitting against it. Honestly, what some kids’ll do for attention.”

“Oi. She is not some kid. Her name is Maisie and she is a traumatised and vulnerable child.”

Yaz turned on her heel and ran outside, liberating a ladder from the garden shed, Carole hovering anxiously at the bottom. Yaz climbed up, the sight inside nearly made her sick.

“Carole, I need something to break the window.”

Carole ran back to the shed and quickly came back with a plank of wood.

“Carole, don’t panic but I need you to call an ambulance. Tell them we have a child with a head injury. Then meet me outside her bedroom door with clean towels.”

Yaz was as careful as she could be as she used the butt of the plank of wood to punch at the glass until it made a hole, thankfully without shattering too much glass. She reached in carefully, ignoring the way the glass scratched at her arm as she reached in, unlocked the window and climbed in.

Maisie didn’t react to Yaz at all, even when Yaz grabbed her and pulled her away from the door which she had been rhythmically banging her head against, and had been for a while if the large cut and smeared blood were anything to go by. Yaz unlocked the door, pulling Maisie close to her. Her eyes were open but glassy and she was as boneless as a ragdoll as Yaz pressed a towel to her head.

“Maisie sweetheart, it’s Yaz. I know you’re really not feeling good right now but you’re going to be okay. Carole is here too, she’s holding your hand and we’re going to take you to see a doctor.”

Maisie didn’t react.

“Yaz there’s so much blood.” Carole whispered, looking in horror at the door.

“No there isn’t. There’s none on the carpet and there’s hardly any on the towel, blood smears dramatically, especially on a white, glossy surface. She’s fine Carole, might need a few stitches but she’s going to be fine.” Yaz said, reassuring herself as much as Carole. It was true though, the blood looked dramatic, but it wasn’t serious. Yaz was far more concerned about her mental state as she flopped lifelessly against Yaz, a pose Yaz was all to familiar with from her dealings with the Doctor’s mental health.

Less than five minutes later there was a crew of paramedics barrelling through the door. Yaz stepped back and allowed them to work. Like Yaz had suspected they were far less concerned with the head wound than they were with Maisie’s mental state and they were quickly carrying her down to the ambulance.

“Carole go with her. I’ll phone Paul for you and I’m going to go and collect Jane, we’ll meet you at the hospital.”

Carole nodded, she looked as white as a sheet as she hurried down the stairs.

Twenty minutes later Yaz was home and was calling for the Doctor.

“I’m in the living room… Yaz what the hell happened, are you hurt?” the Doctor gasped taking in Yaz’s appearance. She was covered in blood.

“I’m fine. The blood isn’t mine. Doctor it’s Maisie. She’s hurt herself. It’s not bad but she’s on her way to the hospital and I’ve told Carole we’ll meet her there.”

“What?” the blood drained from the Doctor’s face and she swayed slightly where she sat on the sofa. Yaz grabbed her to steady her.

“Doctor, she has a cut to her head but the paramedics weren’t too worried about that. I promised Carole we would be there.”

“I’m coming. Go and put something clean on, you’ll scare the living daylights out of her like that. Then you’re going to have to help me up, I’m stuck.”

Yaz disappeared, down the hall and didn’t even pause for breath as she flung her clothes into a hamper and pulled on jeans and a clean, red jumper, splashed her face to clean herself up a bit and hurried back to the living room to collect the Doctor.

“Can you phone Carole and check she’s still in A&E? I can't imagine she’s been admitted yet but she’s a minor, so you never know.” She asked the Doctor, chucking her phone at her as she drove as quickly as she legally could.

As Yaz suspected, Maisie hadn’t been admitted and she was easy to find with a flash of Yaz’s ID to the nurse on the front desk.

“Carole, what’s happening?” Yaz whispered as they crept into the cubicle.

“As you said, the head wound is minor, but they’ve given her a scan just to be safe, then she’ll have stitches once the results are back. The IV is just fluid but they’ve sedated her to keep her calm. They’re going to keep her for a couple of days for observation.”

“Jane?” Maisie whispered.

The Doctor jumped, she had thought Maisie was asleep.

“Hi Maisie Bug.” She whispered, wheeling closer and putting her arms through the bars of the bed to hold Maisie’s. “I hear you’re not feeling good.”

Maisie didn’t say anything but she held out her arms for a hug.

The Doctor looked at Yaz, tiny Maisie might be but there was no way she would be able to lift her, even on her best of days. And with the IV and the bandage around her head she probably shouldn’t anyway.

“How about I lift Jane up to sit with you instead?” Yaz offered.

Maisie nodded and sniffed and Carole gently pulled her to one side. Yaz lifted down one of the sides of the bed and scooped the Doctor up bridal style, settling her carefully on the bed beside Maisie and putting the sides back up, not trusting the Doctor’s shoddy balance. She helped the Doctor arrange herself comfortably and hold Maisie against her. Maisie sighed and relaxed against her, the sedative kicking in and knocking her out.

There was only one chair and Carole was already sitting in it so Yaz sat in the Doctor’s now vacant wheelchair.

“Weird to see you sitting in that.” The Doctor commented quietly as she stoked Maisie’s hair, the little girl having fallen asleep against her.

“Do you mind?”

“Not at all… did you find it weird seeing me in it?”

“You want to have this conversation now?”

The Doctor shrugged but Yaz didn’t get a chance to answer before a nurse and a doctor walked in.

“Hi, I’m Doctor Alison Sutton and this is Nurse Jason. How’re we doing in here?”

“She’s sleeping.”

“Okay, we can let her sleep for now. The results of her scan came back clear so we’re going to numb the back of her head and then put in about six stitches to close the wound. Once we’ve done that we have a bed for her up in paediatrics.”

“Do you need me to move?” the Doctor asked.

“Fraid so. You can hold her hand though.”

Yaz got out of the Doctor’s chair and picked her up, settling her back in her chair where she fidgeted uncomfortably.

“Are you still having nerve pain?” Yaz asked quietly.

“I’m fine… a little” she conceded under Yaz’s disbelieving stare. “I’m covered in blood.” She said suddenly, looking down at herself in surprise.

“There’s no blood on Maisie, where did it come from?” Nurse Jason asked.

But the Doctor was looking at Yaz who had suddenly gone as white as a sheet and was swaying on the spot.

“Yaz?... YAZ!”

The Doctor grabbed her round the waist, locking her wrists around her as she slid downwards, landing gracelessly on the Doctor’s lap.

It was only then that the Doctor noticed that the sleeve of Yaz’s jumper was soaked in blood.

“Yaz, can you hear me?” the Doctor asked frantically, wanting to shake her but concentrating on stopping her from sliding to the floor instead.

Yaz smiled dopily.

The Doctor held her still as Jason rolled up her sleeve. There was a huge, deep gash running up the length of her arm.

“We need her in her own cubicle to stitch that up.” He said, looking at Doctor Sutton.

Jason helped Yaz to her feet and half walked, half carried her into the next cubicle. Instantly there were two nurses fussing around Yaz and they shoved the Doctor out of the way as they put pressure on Yaz’s arm

Yaz began to feel mildly loopy from the blood loss but she was aware of the Doctor calling her name and how the nurses had rudely pushed her away as well as how distressed she sounded. Despite the hazy fog that had taken over her brain she registered that a lot had happened that evening for the Doctor to cope with and it was happening too fast for her battered brain to process so she would be frightened and confused and would possibly end up seizing, in the worst possible place for her to have a seizure where she would be hooked up to monitors and machines which would detect her double heartbeat and cool body temperature…

“Stop!” Yaz shouted, shoving the nurse away.

“We need to treat you.” Scowled the nurse bossily, moving in closer again.

“You can treat me in a minute. My partner is disabled and she doesn’t understand what is happening. You need to explain to her before the stress triggers her seizure disorder.”

“We don’t have…”

“You’re not touching me until you have spoken to her and treated her like a person. Just because she’s in a wheelchair and has a brain injury doesn’t mean she doesn’t have rights or can't understand.”

The Doctor was pale and shaking.

“Come round this side love, come and hold my hand, I’m not a fan of needles.”

The Doctor was shaking so hard she could barely manoeuvre her wheelchair around to the side of the bed but as soon as she did Yaz grabbed her hand tightly and moved her head in close while allowing the nurses access to the one with the gash on it.

“What happened? How could you not say anything?”

“I had to break Maisie’s window, think it’s from the glass. I didn’t even notice, must have been the adrenaline. I’m fine.”

“I think we’re going to have to stitch this.” Dr Sutton announced. Yaz had been so focused on looking at the Doctor and ignoring what was happening to her arm that she hadn’t even noticed.

“Is there another option? I'm a carer for my partner. I need to be able to lift her and help her in the shower.”

“I’m fine Yaz.”

“I can glue it.” Dr Sutton agreed reluctantly. “But you’ll need to be very careful and if you start bleeding again you’ll need to come back… Can you drive home tonight?” she asked, directing her question to the Doctor.

“She has a seizure disorder” Yaz interjected quickly. “… do you even know how to drive?” she asked, turning to the Doctor.

“Used to drive a bright yellow Ford Popular 103E called Bessie.”

“I have no idea what that is… but I have a friend we can call for a lift.”

One of the nurses who still hadn’t bothered to introduce herself started gluing up the cut. She certainly wasn’t a conversationalist, but she was efficient and it wasn’t long before she was carefully winding a bandage around Yaz’s forearm. She was almost done when Carole appeared in the cubicle.

“How’s Maisie?” Yaz asked instantly.

“She’s okay. Still sedated, they don’t expect her to wake until mid-morning and then she’ll be evaluated by a psychiatrist. How’s your arm?”

“I’m fine. Bit woozy from blood loss but a friend is coming to collect us.”

“I can drive you. I’ve no car with me but Paul is coming to collect me from here in half an hour anyway, he can collect me from your house too.”

“Thanks Carole… when can we come and visit Maisie?”

“Tomorrow after lunch maybe? I’m not sure how long they’re going to keep her in. Maybe hold off until I speak to the Doctors.” She gave them an exhausted smile and followed Yaz and the Doctor out to the car.

“Are you okay?” Yaz asked an hour later as she and the Doctor settled into bed, lying close to each other for comfort. She had gone very quiet.

“Is this my fault?”

“What, Maisie?”

The Doctor nodded.

“No. I don’t think so. This has been coming for a long time. We’ve all been pushing for her to get mental health support and CAHMS have refused to see her until she’s settled long term.”

“Why do they do that?”

“Their reasoning is that they dredge up a lot of painful stuff for the child and if the child then has to move house during that it can be too much for them to cope with and on top of that, children often move great distances when they move to their permanent homes and it would be difficult to impossible for a child to build up a relationship with their new therapist.”

“It shouldn’t take them so long to get settled in the first place.”

“I agree with you but unfortunately it does.”

“What’s going to happen to Maisie now?”

“I don’t know. I imagine they’ll keep her in for a few days. Stick on a few plasters. They might prescribe some form of anti-depressant. It won’t be long now until she’s placed permanently.”

“Is there anything we can do?”

“Outside what we’re already doing, probably not. They’re going to want Maisie to go back to life as normal as much as she can. She’ll go back to Carole, keep going to school, come and see us some weekends.”

“She’s being bullied in school.” The Doctor scowled. “Because of me.”

“I don’t think it’s because of you love. I think that’s just something easy for them to pick up on. They know she’s different to them, but they don’t really know why. She was basically feral when she started school and even now she behaves like a toddler.”

“Her teacher asked me to volunteer.” The Doctor announced suddenly.

“What? When?”

“The night of the disco. That day we went in for the reading afternoon and we ended up with that group of kids whose parents weren’t there she was really impressed. I didn’t get a chance to tell you because… well…” She broke off embarrassed.

“You had a teeny tiny mental breakdown.” Yaz suggested lightly.

“Something like that.” The Doctor admitted, glad Yaz could talk about it like it wasn’t such a big deal and just move past it.

“Are you going to do it?”

“I wasn’t. I didn’t want to make things worse for her. Now I'm wondering if I should.”

“Children are afraid of what they don’t understand. You’re different to what they’re used to. Most of them probably don’t know anyone who’s a wheelchair user. Add in your amputation, the way you speak and your scars and that’s a whole lot they don’t understand.”

“They probably have rumours about me.”

“They do. Maisie told me.”

“Go on. I can take it.”

“Shark attack is popular. Saving the world from aliens. Also, international spy. Gang member. Saving a baby from a burning building. And bank robber who went down in a hail of bullets while escaping.”

The Doctor laughed. “Well they get points for creativity. Sad to say that the real story is so much less interesting… do you think I should do it?”

“Honestly? I think it would give you something to do and it would be good for you to have something to focus on other than therapy and bad memories. And you would have to leave the house.”

The Doctor fidgeted uncomfortably.

“Hey, you know I’ll support you whatever you decide. It has to be your decision.” Yaz reminded her softly. “All I want is for you to be happy.”

“I just… kids are scared of me Yaz. I don’t want to terrify a classroom full of them.”

“I go back to my point. Kids are scared of what they don’t understand. Tell them the abridged version of how you were hurt, they’ll stare for a day or two and then it’ll be old news and they’ll lose interest. Kids are incredibly forgiving.”

The Doctor shrugged. “I’ll ask Maisie how she feels about it when she’s feeling better.”

Yaz pulled her in closer and they lay together in each other’s arms quietly for a few minutes. 

“Yaz, can I ask you something?”

“Always.”

“What I said to you earlier, was it weird for you seeing me in my wheelchair at first?”

“Where has this come from?”

The Doctor shrugged again.

“Do you remember when you first got it?”

The Doctor nodded, embarrassed by her behaviour that day.

“Every day was like going to war with you back then. You needed so much help but wouldn’t accept any of it. You wouldn’t let Ryan or Graham near you so I had no respite. I was so angry with you that day.”

“I was being an ass.”

“You were severely traumatised. But in answer to your question, seeing in your wheelchair really didn’t and doesn’t bother me. But after your brain infection, I really hated the Beast.”

“You never said.”

“You were so sick Doctor, my feelings about seeing you like that really didn’t come into it.”

“Do you still hate it?”

“No, I got used to it pretty fast. Now it just is. Sometimes you still need it, it’s not a big deal.”

“I hate it.”

“I know you do. But we both know if you didn’t have it that you would spend a lot more time in bed.”

“Yeah.” The Doctor agreed quietly.

“How much pain are you in?” Yaz asked, changing the subject.

“Some.” She admitted.

“What can I do?”

“Nothing. You’re already doing it. I just need you.”

Yaz groaned. “When did you become so sappy?”

“I blame you entirely Yasmin Khan.” The Doctor teased and she snuggled closer to Yaz but inside her head she could only thing of Maisie and her suffering.

“It feels strange to be visiting Maisie in hospital again.” Yaz commented as they made their way to the children’s ward.

Yaz had a bag in her hand with some colouring books, story books and a game of snakes and ladders to keep her entertained as when Carole had phoned she hadn’t been sure how long Maisie would be kept in.

Neither Yaz nor the Doctor was sure what to expect when they arrived. Privately they were both terrified that they were going to walk in to a repeat of the last time Maisie had been in hospital when she had been hiding under the bed, far too frightened to speak.

So they were both very surprised when they walked into the children’s ward and Maisie came running to meet them, a huge smile on her face. She jumped at Yaz enthusiastically and then hovered awkwardly by the Doctor.

“I don’t know if I'm allowed to hug you anymore.”

“Of course you are Maisie Bug.” The Doctor told her and pulled Maisie in for as tight a hug as she could manage and kissed her. “I was worried about you sweetheart.”

“Yeah I banged my head.” Maisie announced, without a trace of embarrassment and the Doctor and Yaz shared a look.

Maisie was already rummaging in the bag Yaz had left on her bed.

“Jane! Colour with me! Pleeeasssse?” she begged, pulling the Doctor bodily towards the bed.

The Doctor refrained from pointing out that she really hated it when someone pushed or pulled her wheelchair to where they wanted her to go and settled for keeping her other hand on her wheel so she didn’t crash.

“I'm not sure I can reach the table from my wheelchair sweetheart.”

Maisie rolled her eyes. “Then come and sit next to me.”

As hospital beds tended to be, the bed was high, Maisie had had to climb to get up and Yaz had to lift her.

“How’s your balance? You’ve been really off recently.” Yaz asked in a low voice, thinking specifically of their physio session that morning when she hadn’t been able to hold a simple sitting balance.

“Been better.”

Yaz lifted the pillows from the head of the bed and shoved them behind the Doctor’s hips to stabilise her.

Just as she finished Carole appeared and she wrapped Yaz in a hug.

“How’re you doing Carole?” Yaz asked, subtly drawing the older woman to one side where she knew the Doctor would be able to hear but Maisie wouldn’t.

“Yeah, I’m okay. Just been with her social worker and the psychiatrist from this morning.”

“What did they say?”

“They’re still not going to give her full therapy until she’s settled but she’s number one priority at a therapeutic residential unit not far from here. You’re going to be getting a phone call about that by the way. Until then they’re putting in extra support through the school.”

“Any idea how long she’s going to have to wait… wait why do they want to speak to us?”

“No more than a couple of weeks hopefully. I shouldn’t have said anything but basically Maisie will need some outside contact as she will be living and going to school in the unit. I think her social worker is hoping you and Jane will do that for her. If you can't, they’ll find someone else but what we’ve had going is very casual and I think they need something firmer than that.”

“Oh… wow. Well thanks for the advanced warning. It’s something we would have to discuss.”

“Don’t let them pressure you Yaz, it’s a huge commitment…”

“JANE! You’re not doing it right!” Maisie interrupted, her tone whining. She moved to grab the Doctor’s hand to make her do whatever it was that she wanted but only succeeded in upsetting her balance.

“I got you.” Yaz reassured her as she caught the Doctor before she could slip from the bed and then sat next to her, her arm around the Doctor’s waist, anchoring her firmly.

“I’m sorry Jane!” Maisie uttered looking horrified. “I didn’t mean to push you.”

“You didn’t push me Maisie, I’m just very wobbly today.”

“I hurt you before.” She whispered.

It was the first time she had acknowledged her actions with the Doctor though she had spoken to Yaz about them.

“You did, but I’m okay now Maisie.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

The Doctor wrapped her arm around Maisie and the little girl relaxed against her chest.

“I wish you and Yaz were my mummy.” Maisie sighed. “My daddy wasn’t nice, but you are. You always look after me.”

The Doctor looked at Yaz, what on earth was she supposed to say to that? Her heart ached for her, but they were in no position to offer Maisie a home.

“It’s okay, I know you can't.” Maisie added and the Doctor squeezed her tight.

“Maisie, we can't be your mummy sweetheart, but I promise, we will always be your friend. No matter what.”

“Even though I hurted you?”

“Even though you hurt me. Because even though friends don’t live in the same house, they forgive each other and they look after each other. Understand?”

Yeah… will you colour with me now?”

Yaz helped the Doctor jam a marker into her fist securely, they were thicker than the pencils so were a little easier for her to manage and she settled in to help Maisie colour a rainbow unicorn.

“Does this feel weird to you?” the Doctor asked as Yaz strapped her orthotic brace around her ankle for her.

“Have I put it on wrong? Is it hurting you?” Yaz asked, rubbing her fingers along the moulded plastic and double checking the Velcro straps.

“No, not my orthotic. That’s fine, I can't really feel it anyway.”

“You should be able to.” Yaz said, her brow furrowed as she squeezed the Doctor’s toes. “Can you feel this.

“What? No. Yaz you know my sensation sucks. This isn’t what I meant.”

“If you can't feel your foot then you need to be so much more careful when you’re walking.”

“Yaz! Stop fussing about me feet… foot for just a second.”

Yaz sat back on the floor. “Sorry, what were you saying?”

“Going to this thing of Graham’s, is it weird? When Maisie is sick?”

“Maisie went to school this morning Doctor. She had a good day and she started that thing in school to support her mental health. And we promised Graham we would go. Besides, you agreed to walk tonight and that is excellent therapy and practice.”

“Still don’t know how you talked me into it.”

“Because you’ve been working incredibly hard and you’re so much stronger on your feet than you were. And it’s good for you to walk a little more.”

“It hurts.”

“I know it does love. But if you don’t use the skills you have you’ll lose them. And it’s good for your circulation, your digestion, it helps you sleep, it makes you less prone to pressure sores, makes you less likely to develop osteo porosis or whatever the Time Lord equivalent is…”

“Alright Dr Khan. I already agreed to it, you don’t need to sell me the brochure.”

Yaz stood up and kissed her on the cheek.

“I’m proud of you for trying.”

“Yeah yeah” the Doctor grumbled but without malice.

Half an hour later Yaz was helping the Doctor out of the car, going from sitting to standing and back again was incredibly difficult for her. As soon as she was standing, her left side leaning heavily against Yaz, Ryan helped her thread her other arm through her crutch and waited until he was sure she was balanced. He held her stable while Yaz adjusted her hold so the Doctor’s left forearm was braced against her own and her right arm was around the Doctor’s waist, providing her with extra support and balance via her gait belt.

“You okay?” Yaz checked.

“Yeah, fine. Feels better with you than it does with two crutches. More stable.”

“Your left arm is weaker because your scars have eaten ingo your muscles, you’re probably more balanced. And you look like you’re standing more upright.”

“Where’s Graham, thought he was meeting us here?”

“He’s running one of the stands, only for another fifteen minutes or so though. He said we were to go and find him and we aren’t allowed to go for food without him.” Ryan answered.

“Don’t make me laugh Ryan or I will fall over.” The Doctor scolded as she took a small, jerky step forward. “Let’s go, it’s going to take me at least that long to walk across this park… I'm not pulling at your arm am I Yaz?”

“It’s fine. Stings a bit but nothing major.”

“It’s only got glue holding it together though.” The Doctor worried.

“It’s fine, promise. It’s got a bandage on it too. I don’t think I could have you leaning on it but holding your gait belt is fine.”

Matching the Doctor’s snail like pace they inched their way across the park. There were lots of stalls selling local crafts and food, further out there were fair rides and on the other side were a series of old fashioned stalls including a duck shoot and coconut shy. The park was busy but Ryan walked on the Doctor’s right and with Yaz on her left they were able to make sure that nobody jostled her – there was no way her balance would stand it.

“You came!” Graham shouted with delight, stepping out from behind a booth that was handing out information leaflets and waving goodbye to the two women and man he was leaving behind.

“Doc, look at you!” he said, looking every inch a proud grandad as he looked at her, upright and with a small smile on her face. “I forgot how tall you are.”

“Don’t go getting mushy on me now Graham.”

“I’d never dream of it Doc but I know the stall that’s selling the best pies in the country right now.”

“Lead the way Graham, just remember that you’re not the slowest one in the group anymore.” the Doctor panted. She wouldn't last much longer on her feet that was for sure as her arms trembled with the effort and Graham practically bounded ahead at the prospect of the pies. 

The man watched the group from his vantage point on the hill that overlooked the park. They had all time travelled though the artron energy signals were faint meaning it had been a while. But all his sources said the Doctor had been on earth for a while now so that would explain it… However there was no telling which of the people the Doctor was… he didn’t recognise either of the men so clearly he had regenerated again.

The man examined the group for a moment as they walked across the park, putting his binocular glasses to good use. There were two men and two women. He looked at the women first, especially the younger of the two. She wasn’t very tall and had long dark hair, fanned over her leather jacket. She was walking carefully, mindful of the other woman was leaning on her heavily for support with one hand and had a crutch in the other. She looked older, was blonde, tiny and badly scarred. She looked anxious, her eye that didn’t appear to be fused shut was darting around and she had a very tight grip on her friends arm. He vaguely wondered if she had been in an accident on her travels with the Doctor. The two men – one was young, tall with dark skin and hair and in the minute or so the man had been watching them he had managed to stumble four times. The final member of the group – and he was pretty sure this one was the Doctor –was greying at the temples a little, not too tall and leading the way, talking excitedly. He seemed intent on herding them all somewhere and was almost hopping with… impatience? Excitement? Either way it only confirmed to the man that this one was the Doctor.

The group walked slowly, presumably the pace set by the injured woman. They hadn't gone much further when she started to sag heavily against the other woman, even more so than she already had been. The younger man and woman both lowered her carefully onto a bench and the dark haired man disappeared, taking the crutch with him but he reappeared quickly, the crutch having been exchanged for a wheelchair and the woman got into it with help from her friend. Now that she was pushing herself in a wheelchair instead of walking their whole group moved faster. The oldest man still seemed excited as he led them through the stalls, seemingly knowing exactly where he was going.

The man lifted his glasses and left his vantage spot. He didn’t want to confront the Doctor in public. No, much safer to follow him and hopefully be led back to the TARDIS… this would be better without an audience or his entourage.

No… privacy was definitely preferred for what he had in mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... who's coming for her and why? I would love to hear your theories!


	91. Chapter 91

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I promised there would be a bombshell at the end of this chapter. Hope I delivered. Feel free to yell at me! I adore hearing all your thoughts and comments!

“Have you seen the remote Grandad?” called Ryan, hunting down the back of the saggy sofa cushions.

“You had it last!”

“I were out with Sonya last night. You must have had it. Where were you sitting?”

“Try the armchair!” Graham shouted down the stairs.

Ryan rolled his eyes as he started hunting, pulling cushions off the armchair. He had lived with Graham for a long time now, almost six years and he loved him in his own way but sometimes the man drove him nuts. He was interrupted by a ringing of the doorbell.

“Gramps can you get that?... Graham?”

Honestly. The man definitely had selective hearing.

Ryan gave up on his search and went to the door, opening it to a man with dark hair, a suit, braces, and, for some baffling reason, what appeared to be a 1940’s, WW2 Trench coat.

“Yes?” Ryan asked politely, baffled by the man’s sudden appearance.

“Not looking for you. Where’s your friend?.. Although…” The man blatantly eyed him up and down and gave a suggestive wink.

“What?” Ryan was confused. Was the man drunk? Crazy?

Thankfully Graham appeared behind him a moment later.

The man threw out his arms, a huge grin spreading across his face. “You missed me right?”

“Yaz, why did I say I would do this?” the Doctor moaned.

She had been getting paler by the minute, her hands were shaking and Yaz was concerned she was on the verge of collapse she had worked herself into such a state of anxiety.

“Because you love Maisie and you love teaching. Stop worrying, you’re going to be great.”

“I can't believe you had to come with me. It’s like having a babysitter.”

“I’m _not_ your babysitter.” Yaz protested indignantly.

“Sorry, that’s not what I meant… just, I never would have made it here without you.”

“Yeah but that’s why we took the bus. So that you can make it without me next week or the week after. It’s only one bus, you just need to practice so you know the route when you get off and get used to the timing.”

“It’s pathetic.”

Yaz grabbed her hand. “A few weeks ago it would have been unthinkable.” She reminded her. “You’ll be amazing.

“What are you going to do?”

Yaz looked down at her maroon running outfit the Doctor had given her for her birthday and raised her eyebrows.

“Right.” The Doctor said, grinning sheepishly.

“I’ll meet you back here at twelve. You have your phone if you finish earlier and you’re wearing your seizure bracelet if there’s an emergency. I won’t go far.”

The Doctor nodded and Yaz wrapped her arms around her. “I’m proud of you.” Yaz whispered.

The Doctor shook out her hands anxiously and headed towards the school nervously. She rang the intercom and thankfully the lady that manned the office remembered her and came out to open the heavy front door for her to let her in. 

The Doctor shook out her hands and wiped them on her trousers while the woman from the office came round with the paperwork she needed to fill out. They were sweaty and horrible, kind of like how she was feeling all over, and she took the pro-offered paperwork which was fastened to a clipboard. She pulled her glasses and a strap to hold a pen to her hand out of her bag to fill out the forms, there was one on medical information as well as a police check, a copy of the schools safeguarding policy, a fire evacuation plan, a map of the school… it was a lot. Yaz had also helped her type up her seizure first aid so that the school had a copy of what to do if she were to have one while she was there, though she had joked that Maisie would almost certainly tell them. 

It took her a while to fill out the forms but when they were done the office assistant led her through the corridor to Year Six where she was expected. Miss Doherty saw them coming through the window, and, leaving the class for a moment she stepped outside. 

"Are you ready?"

"Bit nervous actually." the Doctor admitted. 

"That's okay, they're good kids but it can be intimidating standing up in front of them."

"Don't think I'll be standing anywhere." the Doctor joked.

"Oh goodness" Miss Doherty blushed. "I'm so sorry."

"It's fine. Don't worry about it... am I going to be interrupting?"

"They're just finishing up a piece of geography. Maisie's TA Mrs Sadiya is in there so I just wanted to show you where you'll be working and what you'll be working on."

Miss Doherty showed her to a table set up for six kids with an adult sized table at one end. There was a whiteboard beside the adult table and on the table was a box containing resources and stationery.

"I wasn't sure if your wheelchair would fit under one of the kids tables so I made sure you had a space where you could sit properly."

"It wouldn't so thanks."

"For today, I just want you to spend some time with us in the classroom, see some of what we're working on. Feel free to ask the kids questions or have a flick through their books. We're working on the book Goodnight Mister Tom, do you know it?"

"No, I don't think so..."

"That's okay, I'll give you a copy to read. It's the basis for our history and science as well as English so it would be helpful if you knew the story. Do you know any WW2 history?"

"Just a little." the Doctor grinned, thinking about the last time she was there with Rose and a Union Jack t-shirt. 

"Are you still happy to speak to the class for a few minutes? I'll introduce you."

"Yeah." the Doctor replied a lot more positively than she felt. 

"You don't have to tell them anything you don't want to but if you make light of it, they will too and if you don't say anything they'll make something up most likely."

"Don't worry, I'm aware of the rumours. Maisie told Yaz. "

"I'm sorry, children can be very insensitive."

"They're just curious... I’m afraid the real story is much less interesting."

"Also, before we go in, I know Maisie calls you Jane, but we prefer adults to go by formal titles here. Is it Miss?"

"Doctor actually. Doctor... Smith."

Miss Doherty led the way back into the classroom just as the children were tidying up. They sat down quickly when they saw their teacher and most of them stared openly at the Doctor. They had all seen her before when she had collected Maisie from school but she still felt like a spectacle. 

“Year Six, I think you know Doctor Smith? She will be joining us a couple of times a week to work with you on your reading, writing and maths targets… Doctor Smith?”

The Doctor blushed as she moved forward a little, it was a very long time since she had been in front of a class and she had certainly never been in front of such a young class before.

“Hi! As your teacher said, I’m Doctor Smith and I’ll be here a couple of days a week to work with you guys. Before we get started, I just wanted to address a couple of rumours.” She noticed a couple of children squirming uncomfortably at that. “While I have to give you points for creativity and a shark attack or bank robbery do sound exciting, sadly the true story is much less dramatic. I was attacked, nothing more than that. I sound the way I do because my brain was damaged. It’s not rude to ask me to repeat myself if you don’t understand something I’ve said. But it is rude to stare at me, I know I look different to you that doesn’t make me a bad person or a scary person, you don’t have to be afraid to talk to me or of hurting my feelings. I’m really looking forward to working with you all.”

“Doctor Smith will be taking part in our class this morning and taking the opportunity to get to know you and learn about what we’re working on before starting with us next week… Now, let’s talk about the newspaper reports we’ve been working on…”

The Doctor moved out of the way to allow Miss Doherty to teach. Young she might have been, about the same age as Yaz, but she was clearly enthusiastic and passionate and the children were hanging on her every word. After twenty minutes or so of instructional time the children got out their books and started writing their newspaper reports, reporting as if they had witnessed a bombing raid in London during the blitz. The Doctor moved around the classroom as best as she could, it was a little tight for her chair but several children tucked in their chairs to let her past without being asked.

The Doctor couldn’t help but notice that the difference between Maisie and her peers was stark – the most able children were easily churning out two pages of neat, cursive writing with few spelling or grammar mistakes while Maisie was struggling to produce a legible simple sentence, even with the help of the TA who sat between her and her friend Lily. The Doctor didn’t want to ignore her, or Lily who had now had several sleepovers in their house, buts she didn’t want to draw attention to their relationship either so she spoke to them briefly as she did with all the other kids in the class.

The Doctor jumped when the bell went for break and she followed the children out onto the playground to accompany Miss Doherty on break duty. Maisie and Lily both chatted to her happily though the rest of the children seemed either more wary of her or too busy playing football to be interested though she noticed more than a few interested glances in her direction.

After break was maths, the children were working on map coordinates, and before she knew it the bell had gone for lunch and Yaz had texted to say she was outside.

The Doctor pushed herself across the playground and let herself out of the gates feeling considerably calmer than she had when she had gone in. Her feeling of elation didn’t last long though when she saw the look on Yaz’s face.

“What is it, what’s happened?” she asked anxiously.

“Not here.”

“What do you mean not here?”

“Doctor there’s a bus leaving in six minutes, we need to be on it. I promise I’ll tell you when we get home.”

“Yaz you’re scaring me.”

“I’m sorry love.” Yaz’s face softened slightly but she didn’t let up as she grabbed the handles of the Doctor’s wheelchair and started pushing her towards the bus stop, practically sprinting to make it – it had taken them fifteen minutes that morning to do the same walk. And Yaz never grabbed her without permission like that unless she was in a state where she physically or mentally couldn’t, so whatever had scared her, and she did look scared, had really upset her. The Doctor’s immediate thought was the rapist Yaz had been after a few months ago before the wedding who had had some sort of weird fetish for women in wheelchairs but somehow, she knew that probably wasn’t it.

The Doctor tried several times on the way home to catch Yaz's attention and engage her in conversation but to no avail. Yaz was on high alert as she continuously scanned their surroundings for danger or threat - what she was expecting the Doctor didn't know but her wariness was putting her on edge. When the bus reached their stop Yaz had them off the bus in a flash and was once again pushing the Doctor's wheelchair for her as she practically ran down the street to the house. As soon as they were inside, she locked the door behind them and the Doctor watched in concern as she ran around the house checking the side gate, back door and windows were all locked tightly. As she went to complete a second circuit of the house the Doctor caught her by the wrist. 

"Yaz, what the hell is going on... did something happen on your run?" She didn't know how to ask her next question. "Are you... did someone hurt you?"

"What?" asked Yaz, not really listening. "No, I'm fine. It's something else. Let's go and sit down."

"I'm already sitting down..." 

"Doctor seriously..."

"Yaz we're not going anywhere until you tell me what the hell is going on."

Yaz sighed softly and sank down onto a kitchen chair.

"Graham and Ryan have a visitor. Someone looking for you."

The Doctor's brow creased. "Who would be looking for me? And more to the point, who would look for me here?" She looked terrified as Yaz knew she would. Which was partially why she had been desperate to get her home - in case she had a meltdown which was easier dealt with at home but also in case this person wasn’t friendly and wasn’t alone.

"He says his name is Jack - Ryan says he's dressed in a 1940s trench coat like a WW2 officer or something. Do you know him?"

Yaz watched the Doctor's face go through a myriad of emotions, finally settling on shock. She had gone pale and was shaking. 

"Doctor, do we need to leave? Who is he? What do you want us to do?" Yaz asked, grabbing her hands to try and ground her. She could see the Doctor's flight or fight was turned up to the max.

"Doctor?" Yaz prompted when there was no response.

"He... He's friendly. It's okay." she managed to say.

"Then why do you look like... well like you do?"

"I just... I thought our timelines were done. I didn't think I would see him again."

"He thought Graham was you apparently."

The Doctor sniggered. "He's never seen this face... or the last one. Actually, I don't think he saw the one before that either. It's been a long time... A very long time."

"Do you want to see him? Ryan and Graham will get rid of him if you want them to."

"Jack's not that easy to get rid of." She said ruefully.

"So what do you want? Him to come here? If you don't want him here we can go to Ryan and Graham’s or meet him somewhere neutral."

"It's... no it's okay he can come here. He would probably track me back here anyway."

“So this is a social call?”

“Jack doesn’t do social calls. He wants something.”

“Any idea what?”

“How should I know?”

“Alright, it was only a question.” Yaz said, slightly stung by the Doctor’s prickly tone.

“Sorry.”

“You don’t have to see him if you don’t want to. You know I won’t let anyone in here if you don’t want them to be.”

“Jack will find a way Yaz. Ryan and Graham can chuck him out and tell him nothing. He’ll still make his way here. You can arrest him and lock him in a cell and he will _still_ come here.”

“Tell me about him.”

“Jack… is from the fifty-first century. I haven’t seen him for… maybe 2,500 years or so. He was a time agent, probably how he’s here. He has a vortex manipulator, cheap and nasty time travel. He’s helped me out a few times, travelled with me for a while, a few times actually. He ran an agency called Torchwood which was set up by Queen Victoria and dealt with alien threats on earth, kind of like UNIT but a bit more renegade.”

“Should I be concerned about this?”

“He won’t want anything from you.”

“I'm not sure you’re in a position to give him anything.” Yaz pointed out gently.

“Not like you to hold back.”

There was no way she was in a position to give Jack whatever the hell it was that he wanted. For crying out loud she hadn’t even managed to get on a bus by herself that morning. She could barely shuffle for more than a few minutes with crutches _and_ a brace _and_ someone there holding her up. Her hands were shot. Her body was a mess and her brain… between the PTSD, kicks to the head, copious amounts of drugs and then the infection on top… it may as well have been put through a blender. In fact, she was pretty sure she had heard Yaz describe it as such once to Graham. She couldn’t even bring herself to be offended because it was true.

“Doctor?” Yaz interrupted her thoughts with a gentle hand on her arm.

“I don’t want him to know.” She said urgently.

“Know what?”

“Everything. Anything.”

“Doctor, he’s going to ask. There’s nothing you can do to hide how your body has changed love. You don’t have to tell him anything you don’t want to and you can put your prosthetic on and sit on the sofa, I can move your wheelchair where he can't see it but you hands, your speech… your face. You can try and hide it love but I don’t think it’ll make much difference.”

The Doctor was silent.

Jack represented her past. A time when she had been so much younger than she was now, running around the universe with Rose, Mickey and Martha without much of a care in the world. She had been healing from the Time War, high on adrenaline and freedom. Dealing with Slitheen and a Dalek plot, running around Cardiff… now… well…

She certainly didn’t want to see him but if she knew Jack at all she knew he would find her whether he wanted to be found or not. But she didn’t want him to see what she had become. Martha and the fam seeing her like this was bad enough. Now she had nothing. The Great Time Lord, last but one of her race. Completely and utterly incapacitated. Totally useless. A liability. 

“I know.” She said finally.

“What do you want to do Doctor?”

The Doctor balked. Her brain was buzzing loudly and she groaned, clutching at her head to try and block the information out. It was too much. Why couldn’t everything stay the same.

Yaz watched in concern as the Doctor started to disintegrate in front of her. If this was her reaction to an old friend turning up… Or was it more of a reaction to being asked to make a decision? She was resistant to them at the best of times but maybe she was recognising that this was a decision she had to make herself, one that Yaz couldn’t make for her.

Yaz took her hands, gently prising them away from where she was pulling at her scarf and hair and squeezing them hard.

“Don’t hurt yourself.”

The Doctor’s attention had been wavering as she was on the verge of panicking, but she came to a little more as Yaz spoke to her.

“I… sorry.”

“You have three choices here I think Doctor. We can ask Ryan and Graham to send Jack away and tell him nothing. Deny all knowledge. We can have Jack come here and you can listen to what he wants. Or if you don’t want him here, we can meet him in a public place. This is your choice Doctor. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do but you do have to deal with this one way or another. Just remember I won’t leave you. If you want me, I’ll be right here by your side and no matter what, I won’t let him hurt you.”

“Jack… Jack won’t hurt me… or you.”

“So why don’t you want to see him?”

“Because I'm not the person he wants to see Yaz!” Yazsubconsciously moved back a little from the burst of emotion that was suddenly and without warning pouring out from her girlfriend like someone had blown up the damn. “I don’t want to be that person! I just want to rest! Haven’t I earned the right to rest by now? I never even wanted to be me Yaz. I wanted to die. I tried so hard not to regenerate before I met you and then I did. I lost my best friend hours before I met you! I was still regenerating, I was in pain and so confused and I still had to save the earth! It’s always me Yaz. I don’t want it to be me.”

She was shouting and crying, her chest heaving from the effort.

“I thought… I thought when I got away from the Mhufeist it meant I was done. I thought I could be finished. It’s the only thing that’s made all of this… the pain and the injuries and the brain stuff bearable. Because I have you and because other people don’t demand things of me anymore.” Her voice was so quiet now, the words barely registering through her sobs.

She was crying properly now but Yaz couldn’t get anywhere near her. She put her hands on either side of the Doctor’s wheelchair instead, forcing the Doctor to look at her.

“You don’t owe anybody anything.” She said fiercely. “You have done enough. Given enough and sacrificed enough. See Jack or don’t see Jack, it’s your decision but no matter what he says to you remember that you don’t owe him a damn thing. You’ve been here for two and a half years, if he was that interested he could have looked you up and come for a visit.”

Yaz watched the Doctor for a few moments. She could practically see her thoughts as she wrestled with her emotions. She was twisting her hands and rocking, the groaning had started again and she was grey. She was going to work herself up to the point of collapse or a seizure if she wasn’t careful and it was frightening to watch.

“Tell Ryan he can come here… I’d rather it was here than somewhere else.” She decided finally.

Yaz picked up her phone and texted Ryan quickly, glad to finally get some sort of sensible decision out of her. Not that making a decision seemed to have helped the Doctor calm – instead she had begun to hyperventilate.

“Hey, it’s okay. You’re safe here. Jack won’t hurt you, I won’t let him…” Yaz trailed off as the Doctor’s body gave one large jerk. She let out a small cry, her eye rolled back in her head and within a few seconds, as Yaz predicted, she was seizing, the stress having proved too much for her. Yaz unclasped her lap belt for her and carefully lowered her to the floor, supporting her on her side with a cushion under her head.

As the Doctor’s seizures went, it wasn’t one of her worse ones. The spasms that overtook her whole body were relatively minor and she wasn’t foaming from her mouth the way she normally did. Yaz also didn’t feel the need to put her on oxygen as she tried to provide the Doctor with some comfort.

Yaz really hoped Ryan had made Jack walk rather than drive him – if he had driven they would be here any minute. If he was on foot it would be more like twenty. Not that the Doctor was likely to be ready to talk to anyone in twenty minutes.

It was short, a little under four minutes later, when the Doctor’s body stilled under Yaz’s hands and she gave a huge gasp before collapsing back against Yaz who had been kneeling behind her. She opened her eye and was blinking, looking confused and disoriented.

“Hi, you with me Doctor?”

The Doctor drooled slightly in response and Yaz shook her shoulder in an attempt to rouse her.

“Come on, let’s get you up love.”

The Doctor blinked, she was as confused as she always was in the aftermath of a seizure although she was also considerably more conscious.

Yaz wrapped her arm around the Doctor’s shoulder and helped her sit up, leaning her against the sofa and grabbing a towel from the hot press which she draped over the seat of the Doctor’s wheelchair.

“Can you get into your chair?” Yaz asked.

Her heart went out to the Doctor, it really did. She always looked so lost and jumbled after a seizure and Yaz wanted nothing more than to pick her up, take her to bed and let her sleep it off. But she was supposed to be learning to take of herself in the aftermath, or at least she was when she was conscious enough to do so.

Yaz brought her wheelchair closer for her and the Doctor eyed it like it was a mountain to climb. She wasn’t verbal yet but she cumbersomely manoeuvred her body so it was in the right place to drag herself back into her wheelchair. She gave it a valiant attempt, managing to lift her body up quite a considerable way before Yaz intervened and helped her the rest of the way. Yaz walked behind her as she very slowly pushed herself down towards their bedroom and took herself straight into the bathroom. Yaz went in with her, she didn’t go with the Doctor into the bathroom as a matter of routine anymore but there was no way she trusted her to manage the transfers independently when she was postictal, nor did she trust her balance on the small shower seat that they had. If she was any less lucid Yaz would have lifted her into her shower cradle but thankfully they weren’t at that stage.

The Doctor just about managed to stay awake long enough to get herself into a clean pair of pyjamas and crawl into bed. Yaz had just cleaned up the mess in the living room when there was a knock at the door.

Taking her time, she threw away the kitchen roll, put the Dettol back in the cupboard and washed her hands before answering.

She would be lying if she said she wasn’t taken aback by the man on the other side of the door. She wasn’t sure what she had been expecting but it wasn’t that. Jack appeared younger than she had been expecting though the Doctor was case in point not to judge a book by its cover on that one. He was dressed in a pristine sky-blue shirt, suspenders and, as Ryan had described, wearing a WW2 trench coat.

“Captain Jack Harkness ma’am.” He introduced himself. His eyes twinkled with charm.

“Yasmin Khan.”

“Where’s the Doctor then? I thought he would be more pleased to see me than this! Starting to feel a little offended.” His tone was light and joking but Yaz suspected some truth in it.

_He_

Yaz noted the use of the male pronoun. Ryan and Graham really hadn’t given anything away.

“The Doctor is busy. Won’t be long.”

Yaz stepped back to allow him in, making an on the spot decision to take him into the kitchen rather than the living room where the Doctor’s cumbersome walking frame had been left out carelessly after their physiotherapy session that morning. There were adaptations in the kitchen as well of course but hopefully they were more innocuous. Yaz indicated that he should take a seat facing into the kitchen. It meant he couldn’t see the monitor that showed the Doctor asleep and was set up on the bookcase behind him. Yaz had already put it on silent as she would be able to see it and she sat down on the chair beside the Doctor’s empty space.

“You lose a chair?” Jack asked.

“Something like that.” Yaz replied cagily.

“So, who are you exactly Yasmin Khan?”

“I could be asking you the same question. You’re the one sitting in my kitchen.”

Jack laughed. “Good to know the Doctor hasn’t changed. He always did like a pretty girl with a bit of something about them.”

Yaz glared at him coldly.

“What do you want?”

“I need the Doctor’s help with a little problem. Got a race of aliens, thought they were gone but they’re not. They have a slave ship and they’re buying and selling slaves.” Jack’s tone was one of disgust and his lip curled.

Yaz’s blood went cold.

“What do you expect the Doctor to do about it?”

“What he always does. Help us get those people out. You have no idea what they’re doing to people. All races and species from across the universe. It’s vile. They have mental hospitals for the victims that make it out alive, they’re just shoved in them with no hope of recovery.”

The Doctor had said that Jack would want something. But there was no way Yaz was letting her go back there. Not ever. She was barely holding herself together as it was. Only that afternoon she had told Yaz she didn’t want to do it anymore.

“I don’t think the Doctor is going to be able to help you.”

“No offence kid but I’ve known the Doc a heck of a lot longer than you. Trust me, he won’t be able to resist this. I’ve got people who can help me and sure, we’d probably manage on our own but the Doc is great backup.”

“I know the Doctor a lot better than you think I do.”

“I’m sure you think you do.”

Yaz was getting irritated at his cocky tone.

“Mr Harkness…”

“Captain” he said with a wink.

“Do not come into my home and insult me or the Doctor or our friends. Stay here, I’ll be back in a minute. And I suggest you think twice before you open your mouth next time.”

Yaz got up and walked down the hall, turning off the monitor on the way past. The Doctor was awake, Yaz had seen her over the monitor, but she was looking agitated and frightened.

Yaz knocked on the their bedroom door softly so she wouldn’t scare her before she let herself in. She hurried over to the bed and crouched down beside the Doctor, catching her hands which were struggling with the covers.

“Relax, you’re okay. You’re in our bed. You had a seizure a couple of hours ago, but you got yourself washed and changed and into bed under your own steam. Can you talk to me?”

The Doctor blinked slowly.

“Hey, you’re okay love. I’ve got you.”

The Doctor jerked harshly once. Yaz wasn’t sure if it was deliberate or not but either way she ended up closer. Yaz sat down on the edge of the bed and gathered the Doctor into her arms, she was still pale and shaky, and held her tight, sitting her up slightly.

The Doctor rested her head against Yaz’s chest. She was breathing a little harshly and Yaz pulled her oxygen mask from its holder. “Do you need this?” Yaz offered but the Doctor shook her head. Yaz put it on the bedside table where she had easy access to it, not entirely convinced.

The Doctor looked at her and tried to speak but only succeeded in dribbling down her chin instead. She groaned crossly and then flushed with embarrassment as Yaz picked up a tissue and wiped her mouth.

Suddenly, the Doctor let out a squeak of fright and buried her head deeper into Yaz’s chest. Yaz whipped round to find Jack staring at them.

“Get out.” Yaz ordered.

“Sorry I…” he started with an easy grin.

“I told you to stay in the kitchen. Get out. This is private.” Yaz spat, infuriated with him.

He at least had the grace to look like he meant it as he apologised and left the room again. Yaz could hear him moving and what sounded like the kettle being turned on so at least he had done as she had asked.

“I’m sorry love. I told him to stay in the kitchen.” Yaz told the Doctor who had started to cry. “He doesn’t know who you are. Ryan and Graham told him nothing. Keeps referring to you as ‘he’ so he genuinely doesn’t know anything. I can kick him out if you want me to.”

The Doctor shook her head slowly.

“Then do you want him down here or are you feeling up to coming down to the kitchen?”

There was a long pause as the Doctor visibly fought with herself to verbalise her wishes.

“Kitchen. I can get up.” She said finally.

“Do you want some clothes first?” Yaz offered. She was currently in her banana pyjamas. The Doctor nodded and Yaz lifted her one of her rainbow tops, a white, long sleeve under top, a compression vest, one of the bras Umbreen had made and a pair of navy blue trousers.

Yaz dreaded to think what Jack might have gotten up to unsupervised as the Doctor slowly dressed herself as it was nearly half an hour later before she was able to transfer across to her wheelchair though she seemed a little stronger and more lucid than she had been.

“Are you ready for this?” Yaz checked.

The Doctor offered her a small, tight lipped smile. “As I’ll ever be.”

Her words were slurring badly.

“Jack is in the kitchen. Do you want me to stay with you or go and sit in the living room?”

The Doctor grabbed her hand jerkily. “Stay. Please.”

“Well then, after you.” Yaz invited, holding open the bedroom door for her.

Yaz watched her inch down the hall. Her body was jerking rather than pushing her chair smoothly. It was frustrating. She had been doing so well that morning but the huge amount of stress she had felt had tipped her body past its breaking point triggering a seizure. Now she was struggling to move and speak. There was a noticeable delay every time she spoke as her brain took longer to process what she was hearing and formulate a response.

Yaz could see Jack in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee? Tea? And there were two more cups on the table. He stood up when he saw them coming and Yaz could see the look crossing his face that crossed most people’s faces when they saw the Doctor as they tried not to stare at her while also being undeniably shocked.

He hid it well as he slipped an easy grin back on his face. “Captain Jack Harkness ma’am.” He introduced himself again.

The Doctor stared at him for a moment, her eyebrow raised.

“Hi Jack.”

“Don’t I get to know who you are?”

“You’re the one who’s looking for me. You once told me you’d always recognise me no matter how my face changed.”

There was the tiniest moment of hesitation where Jack swallowed and you could see him visibly struggle to compute what the evidence in front of him was telling him.

“Doctor?” he asked incredulously.

“Hi Jack.” She repeated.

He didn’t hesitate that time as he swooped forwards, pulling her into a bone crushing hug so hard that he lifted her bodily, wheelchair and all, from the floor.

Yaz winced. That had been a bad move as the Doctor, completely startled and unprepared started to scream in terror. Jack let go instantly, backing away and her chair bounced slightly against the floor.

“Hey!” Yaz shouted, placing herself bodily between them. “Back off. What do you think you’re doing?”

Small she might have been, but she was intimidating and Jack found himself stepping back. This woman couldn’t possibly be the Doctor. If he had to describe her he would have used words like sick, vulnerable, frail, damaged… mentally unhinged… It couldn’t possibly be the Doctor.

He watched as Yasmin turned around to comfort her. The woman was shaking like a leaf and Yasmin had taken hold of her hands and was talking to her quietly, trying to calm her. Still holding the woman’s hand, Yasmin stood, placing herself between them.

“You” she directed her words at Jack. “Sit there.” She indicated one end of the table.

Jack did as he was bidden. Whatever was going on here, he wanted to get to the bottom of it. She pushed the other woman’s wheelchair to the spot at the table which had no chair in it. She collected a travel mug and poured one of the cups of tea into it, handing it to her friend and kept the other cup for herself. She had sat down next to her friend and Jack was fairly sure they were holding hands under the table.

“Why are you here Jack?”

She was very difficult to understand.

“You say you’re the Doctor. Prove it.” Jack demanded.

The Doctor raised a shaky, jerky hand to the pocket of the bag on the back of her wheelchair, withdrawing two items and placing them on the table. “Sonic screwdriver and psychic paper.”

“The Doctor has given away his sonic before to the right person. And anyone can get psychic paper. That proves nothing.”

The woman laid her hand on the table, not the one covered in scars though as she pulled her sleeve up slightly he could see a single, deep scar encircling her wrist.

Jack reached out and put two fingers to her wrist.

“Lots of species have a double heartbeat.”

“I first met you during the London Blitz. You tried to sell me a Chula warship full of nanogenes and nearly turned all of London into gas mask zombies calling for their mummies. Rose had a union flag on her t-shirt and I stole your gun and replaced it with a banana.”

Jack gaped at her for a moment before shutting his mouth.

“How long has it been for you?” he asked quietly.

“2,500, maybe 3000 years give or take. 3 faces.”

“And has this face always looked…” he floundered.

“Not like you to be lost for words. And no it hasn’t. Let’s skip the chit-chat. What do you want from me Jack?”

“The Mhufeist. Got word that they’re in operation again. This time operating an enormous slave ship where they’re buying and selling all species, raping them and torturing them. You remember what it was like when they were in operation before Doctor. All across the galaxies people were terrified to venture off world. Sometimes to venture out of their own homes. You’ve seen the facilities they built to house the rescued victims.” Jack visibly shuddered at that. 

Yaz remembered the Doctor telling her about them and she fought the urge to do the same. The thought that the Doctor could have ended up somewhere like that…

“I’ve got a team Doctor but we could really use your help. No one knows these guys like you do. You defeated them last time.”

“I can't help you Jack.”

“Look I can see that… physically you might not be in as good a shape as you have been but we could still use your insight, your expertise. No one thinks on their feet like you do Doc, you could be a real asset even behind the scenes and the TARDIS would be the best way of getting everyone home.”

Yaz could see the Doctor was struggling to remain in control. Jack had no idea of what he was asking her.

“I SAID NO!”

The Doctor pushed her wheelchair roughly away from the table and headed out of the kitchen, fleeing to the living room as fast as she could. Yaz could hear her choking back a sob.

“You two may have been friends once but you have no idea who she is now or what she’s been through. If you did, you never would have come here and asked her that.” Yasmin said. She got up and followed the Doctor into the living room.

Jack put his head in his hands. That had not gone well. In fact, it had gone supremely badly. He had thought it would be simple. Track the Doctor down on earth and persuade him to help out with a little job. A little dangerous, a little adrenaline inducing sure, but overall a well thought out plan with a good team. They just needed a leader. What the hell had happened to him… her?

Jack got up and followed the two women. He had to get to the bottom of this. Whatever this was.

The Doctor had gotten out of her wheelchair and was sitting on the sofa. She was leaning against Yasmin and was crying. He couldn’t help but stare.

Yasmin watched him as he walked into the room but she didn’t speak and as he sat in the armchair. He couldn’t help but feel judged.

“What happened to you Doctor?”

There was a pause and when she did reply her words were quiet and slurred, so much so that he had to concentrate hard on what she was saying.

“About six years ago I was captured by the Mhufeist. I don’t need to tell you what happened there. Had an encounter with a Grofriar shortly before I got out but it took me more than three years.”

Her low, unemotional tone left Jack in no doubt that she was telling the truth.

He didn’t even know what to say.

“I’m so sorry Doctor.”

“Why? None of this is your fault.”

“How long have you been here?”

“Not quite two and a half years.”

There was silence. For once in his life, Jack really didn’t know what to say.

“I hope you can so something about the Mhufeist Jack, I really do. But I can't help you. I'm sorry. I would be a liability. But… if you could tell me when they’re gone I’d appreciate that.”

“Of course… the two blokes I was with this morning. Who were they?”

“Ryan and Graham. My fam.”

“Thought the old one was you. I tracked your artron energy signals and followed you from the park. You all had them but I just assumed he was you. I didn’t know you could be…”

“Disabled?” the Doctor offered.

“I was going to say a woman… Is that you?” he asked, gesturing to a photograph of the four of them grinning for the camera that had been taken in the TARDIS console room after they had gone rain bathing on Kastarno.

“Yeah.”

“You’re gorgeous.”

“No flirting Jack. Especially not in front of my girlfriend.”

“Hey, I’m an open kind of guy…”

“Jack…” the Doctor warned.

“Sorry” he held up his hands. “I missed you Doc. Good to see you. Sorry I frightened you.”

“I missed you too Jack. It’s okay, you didn’t know.”

A couple of hours later Ryan and Graham were on their way round for dinner and Yaz, Jack and the Doctor were in the kitchen preparing. Jack watched as the Doctor strapped a knife to her hands and held a potato in place on the chopping board using just her knuckles.

“Can I do that?” Jack offered, looking at her nervously. That didn’t look safe…

“I’m quite capable.” She scowled.

Yaz tried not to laugh from where she was stirring a pot on the stove.

Fortunately, Jack was saved from any more of a telling off by the loud arrival of Ryan and Graham. They both hugged and kissed Yasmin on the cheek and the younger one, Ryan, did the same to the Doctor. Jack stepped back and watched. They were a family, the way they moved around the kitchen was practiced, effortless and familiar though he couldn’t help but notice how gentle they all were with the Doctor. And while the Doctor had always inspired confidence in his… her companions he had never seen them as protective as Yasmin was. But then again it sounded like she had nursed the Doctor back from the brink of death from the little the Doctor had said and he had no doubt there was significantly more to the story that he hadn’t heard.

When they sat down it didn’t escape Jack’s notice how the Doctor strapped her knife and fork to her hands but Yasmin still cut her food for her and she drank from a water bottle rather than a glass like everyone else which she didn’t have to lift off the table.

“So how do you know the Doc?” Graham asked.

“Oh Silver Fox, the Doc and I go way back!”

“Jack, seriously with the flirting!” the Doctor scolded.

“I thought I just wasn’t allowed to flirt with you. You didn’t say I couldn’t flirt with everyone.”

Ryan snorted into his dinner.

“Jack’s a conman. Tried to sell me a broken ambulance in the middle of the London Blitz when he knew a bomb would land on it before I would realise what it was.”

“Did it work?”

“No. Do I look that thick? I would also like to point out that _someone_ nearly turned the whole of the earth into zombies calling for their mummies.”

“Hey we got out of that one and I helped you stop the Slitheen!”

“What’s a Slitheen?”

“Huge, green, farting monster that squeezes itself into human suits and tried to take over the government. It’s why Downing Street got blown up in 2005.”

“Oi! I remember that! I was still driving buses back then, we all got sent home.”

“Do you remember that Yaz? We were what Reception? Year One maybe? We got sent home from school. I came round yours cause me mum couldn’t collect me and we played with your barbies on the balcony but you dropped one and your mum wouldn’t let you go and get it so you chucked a massive fit.”

Yaz laughed. “I’d forgotten about that. You liked doing their hair.”

Graham laughed. “Glad it had such an impact on you two. I was sitting at home waiting for the country to be blown up in a terrorist attack or via a nuclear bomb or something.”

“It was actually Mickey that did it. Hacked the government and blew it up to save the world from being sold off as space junk.”

“What, Martha’s husband?” Yaz asked in surprise.

“You know Martha?” Jack interjected.

“Who do you think cut my leg off?” the Doctor asked quietly.

“Wow, Doctor Martha Jones. Still saving the universe.”

“And Jack wasn’t there for that incident with the Slitheen, we missed one. She became the mayor of Cardiff and was trying to cause a nuclear disaster. Me, Rose, Mickey and Jack put a stop to that one.”

“That was nothing compared to our adventures on Satellite Five.”

“What happened on Satellite Five?” Yaz asked.

The Doctor’s face darkened. “Daleks. We stopped Armageddon.”

“Taking a lot of credit there Doctor.” Jack interrupted. “You sent Rose home, she found her way back and _she_ stopped Armageddon.”

“She did that.” The Doctor said softly, a gentle smile playing across her face.

She looked sad and Yaz took her hand, squeezing it lightly.

“Then of course you and Rose waltzed off and left me there.”

“Hey, in my defence you were dead.”

“What?” Graham asked, choking a little on his food

“Took a dalek blast to the chest. Went down in a hail of bullets. It was all very heroic, don’t you worry Silver Fox” Jack said with a wink.

“But you’re not dead.”

“Well spotted. Hopefully you won’t have to see my party trick.”

“Jack if there’s no flirting there is definitely no dying allowed.”

“I’m seriously confused.” Said Ryan looking from the Doctor to Jack.

“Jack’s immortal. Every time he dies he just… comes back again.”

“Yes well, moving on from that. This is a nice house and all Doc, but where’s your TARDIS? Or is this her and you finally fixed the chameleon circuit? Only, it doesn’t feel quite right.”

“No this isn’t the TARDIS.” The Doctor was looking at her lap, twisting her hands anxiously. “When I was… taken, I l was… separated from her. I’ve been trying to find her but I got sick… my brain and my hands… I haven’t been able to work on it for about eighteen months.” she trailed off apparently too upset to continue.

“I’m sorry.” Jack apologised. This time the Doctor didn’t shrug it off and Yaz rapidly changed the subject.

“Jack where are you staying?”

“He’s staying here I assume. He’s always been a freeloader.” The Doctor said, her voice a little steadier.

“I resent that!”

“You mean you have somewhere else to stay?”

“Uhh no.” he admitted, bringing out his charming grin again.

The Doctor rolled her eyes. “There’s a spare bedroom down the hall, second door on your left.”

“Hey that’s where I sleep!” Graham mock protested.

“Don’t worry silver-fox, I’m happy to share.”

“Well I walked right into that one didn’t I” Graham muttered, putting his head in his hands while Ryan hooted with laughter beside him.

“Whoa, I got you” Yaz said softly, catching the Doctor before she could hit the floor. She was in the middle of a series of adapted push ups but had lost concentration halfway through and her arms had given out underneath her.

“Urgh. I'm fine.” She readjusted and pushed herself into a push up again. Her hands were curled against the floor so she was supporting herself mostly through the heel of her hand while Yaz counted for her. And then made her do it again, and again until they had done a set of ten.

“Well done. Sit ups?”

The Doctor groaned but nodded and Yaz helped her shift onto her back. She could roll over okay now but staying on the mat while she did so was another matter.

“Jack’s not up yet is he?” the Doctor checked.

“You’re the one with superior hearing. You tell me.”

“I don’t think so.”

“What difference does it make?”

“I don’t want him to see this.”

“You have _nothing_ to be ashamed of.”

“I feel like I'm letting him down.”

“How? By not going after the Mhufeist?”

The Doctor nodded.

“You’re not actually considering it are you?” Yaz asked incredulously.

“No… not really.”

“Not really? Seriously Doctor. Don’t.”

“You heard Jack, I wouldn’t have to get close.”

“I can't even believe what I'm hearing come out of your mouth right now.” Yaz said, pushing herself away from the Doctor. “You barely cope with the most minimal amount of stress as it is. For heavens sake, when I told you Jack was looking for you yesterday you had a seizure on me. You can't honestly think that you doing this is a good idea?”

“Well I didn’t particularly but thanks for your confidence in me Yaz.” She said sarcastically

“Don’t make me out to be the bad guy here.” Yaz shouted.

“I’m not! I…you’re crying.”

The Doctor weakly pushed herself into a seated position from where she had been flat on her back, looking at her partner in concern. Yaz hardly ever cried. She had pushed herself half way across the room until her back had collided with the back of the sofa and now her knees were tucked up under her chin, she had her arms around wrapped round them and she was sobbing.

“Yaz I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Yaz didn’t move, she was still crying.

The Doctor held in a grunt of frustration, it was hard for her to move across the floor but she bum shuffled awkwardly.

“Yaz?”

She reached out and put an arm around Yaz’s shoulder and tried to pull Yaz in close for a hug but Yaz, while she didn’t actively pull away, was stiff and unyielding.

She eyed the box of tissues on the mantlepiece at the far side of the room but she would have to crawl to her chair, get into it, collect the tissues and then get back out of her chair and it would most likely take her at least twenty minutes.

"I'm sorry Doctor, I can't go through that with you again. I don't think I'm strong enough. I can't watch what it would do to you." 

It was a very long time since the Doctor had seen Yaz so upset. Watching her girlfriend disintegrate in front of her the Doctor felt immensely guilty. She hadn't seriously considered going with Jack. She wasn't stupid, she knew she was far more of a hindrance than a help. But she had resented that Yaz thought she couldn't do it. Except clearly that wasn't Yaz's issue. She thought _she_ couldn't do it.

This time when the Doctor tried to pull Yaz in close for a hug she didn't resist and she lay across the Doctor's chest as she cried. 

"I can't see you in that state again Doctor. I only just got you back after Maisie. Sometimes I don't think you appreciate just how hard it is for me when your mental health tanks and how exhausting it is to take care of you like that. How hard it is for me when all you can do is cry and you can't eat or look after yourself or talk to me. For crying out loud Doctor I had to put a tube down your throat and force feed you! I thought you were trying to kill yourself!"

The Doctor stiffened and pulled away. 

"It's not like I chose for that to happen." she said darkly.

"I know! But if you go off with Jack that is choosing it. I can't do it again Doctor. It's so hard for me to see you like that... With Maisie, we never thought it was going to happen but if you're purposefully putting yourself in a situation that is so triggering when you have a choice... I just can't watch that. I'm sorry. It's too hard." She had pulled away and wrapped herself up with her arms again.

"I'm sorry Yaz." the Doctor apologised again. "I don't like to think of not being able to do stuff."

"I know you miss it Doctor and if you want to be out travelling the stars again you know I'll support you but you have to keep yourself safe. How can you expect me to sit here and watch you put yourself back on that ship? They destroyed you! You've been working so hard to claw yourself back and I am so proud of how far you've come but even the thought of you putting yourself back there Doctor, it's making me feel sick."

She had regained some control over herself, but she was still crying. 

"Yaz, I don't actually want to go. What I said to you yesterday about wanting a rest, it's true. I love you very much and I respect your opinion. Even if I wanted to do it and you were so against it I wouldn't because I don't ever want you to be this upset about something I've done."

"Promise me Doctor. Promise me you won't go looking for the Mhufeist for revenge. If you meet them by accident then that's different. But you're not vengeful. You've never been vengeful. Please don't stoop to their level."

"Oh Yasmin Khan I have most definitely been vengeful. Shamefully so."

"Promise me Doctor. I need to hear you say it."

"I promise."

"Thank-you."

“I can't believe you would even consider it.” Yaz snuffled eventually. After everything you’ve been through. After everything we’ve been through together I just…” she broke down again into a fresh wave of tears.

“I'm sorry Yaz. I didn’t think. You know I wouldn’t actually go with Jack right now, don’t you?”

“I thought I did.”

“Yaz I promise, I’m not going to leave you.”

Yaz shrugged. “I mean you say it and you told me you don’t want your old life anymore. But I just… you’re not exactly good at staying still for the long term are you Doctor?”

“I'm not leaving you Yaz. Not now and not ever.” She said fiercely.

“Is that because you love me or because you need me?”

“That’s not fair.”

“Isn’t it? Seems like a reasonable question to me.”

“By asking me that Yaz you’re asking me if I genuinely love you and if you’re asking that means you don’t know. How can you not know how much you mean to me by now? And I hate that you have to take care of me sometimes. But I love you so much it hurts. You’re my best friend Yaz. My best friend in the entire universe and I love you so much more than I can ever hope to tell you with words.”

“I really needed to hear that today.” Yaz hiccoughed.

“You’re my best friend and I love you. I’m not leaving you.” The Doctor repeated, feeling tremendously relieved when Yaz finally allowed herself to be pulled in for a hug.

Jack sat at the kitchen table feeling slightly uncomfortable. It was clear that the Doctor and Yasmin, she called her Yaz he had noticed, had had some sort of disagreement.

Yasmin was cooking, clattering pots and pans more loudly than necessary while the Doctor was emptying the dishwasher though he wasn’t sure if the clattering coming from her was from annoyance or what appeared to be an appalling lack of dexterity which only seemed to be getting worse the more she did.

He watched as Yasmin put the breakfast she had made for them on the table and despite her apparent annoyance, she was gentle as she strapped the Doctor’s cutlery to her hands but was then interrupted before she could sit down herself.

“It’s Jennifer.” She said, excusing herself and leaving the room. He heard the door to what he assumed was a study close.

“Who’s Jennifer?” Jack asked, watching as the Doctor struggled to cut through the crust of her French Toast. Was he supposed to offer to help her?

“Her boss. She’s a police officer, works with victims of serious personal crimes like rape, domestic violence, serious assault, attempted murder, child victims…”

“Sounds cheery.”

“She’s very good at it.” The Doctor said protectively as she fought to stab a piece of the bread with her fork. Without warning her arm jerked and she skited the bread across the floor instead.

Jack went to pick it up for her but she glared at him. “I can do it.”

Or at least that’s what he thought she said. She was slurring her words again.

“You on the ginger Doc?” he teased.

She shot him a look he remembered well. Different face… half a face. Same Doctor. Her hands were shaking as she attempted to pick up the piece of bread.

“You sure I can't help you there Doc?” Jack asked, watching as she was bent double at her waist, the shaking in her hands was spreading throughout her body and the sight of her vertebrae poking through her jumper was disturbing.

“Yash.” She slurred drunkenly.

“What?”

“Nee… Ya…” she mumbled before the shaking became more violent and she pitched forward, wheelchair and all, and lay on the ground jerking violently.

“YASMIN!” Jack shouted, staring at the Doctor with no idea what to do. She had made it very clear the day before that touching was not something that was on the cards. The shout turned out to have not been necessary however, whatever was going on seemed to have triggered some kind of alarm because he could hear it coming from Yasmin’s pocket as she ran into the room.

“What the hell is happening?” Jack demanded, watching as Yasmin unfastened the seatbelt that was still secured around the Doctor’s waist and eased her from the chair, shoving it aside grabbing a pillow from the sofa under the window and putting it under her head. As she rolled the Doctor onto her side thick, white drool leaked from her mouth and she sounded like someone was strangling her.

“She has seizures.”

What? Since when? Was this because of the Mhufeist?

Yaz was completely calm about it as she talked quietly to the Doctor.

“What the hell are you doing about it?”

Yasmin scowled at him. “She can hear you, you know. She’s not unconscious. If you don’t want to see it go and wait somewhere else. If you’re going to stay go and get that oxygen mask from beside our bed that you saw yesterday. She’s cyanotic again.”

“How often does that happen?” Jack demanded as Yasmin walked back into the kitchen and started cleaning up the mess on the floor that he hadn’t even noticed.

“About twice in every ten day period or so. She had one yesterday but it was a short one. They’re generally impossible to predict.”

“And what are you doing about it?”

“Looking after her…” Yasmin said slowly as if she was speaking to someone who was particularly stupid.

“By yourself?”

“Mostly. We get help from Ryan, Graham and my mum.”

“Any actual medical help?”

“Oh sure we take her and her two hearts up to the local hospital all the time and just cross our fingers that no one notices.” Yasmin said sarcastically. Jack had to admit, he was starting to like her. She was fiery and passionate and clearly loved the Doctor very much, in a much more genuine and deeper way than he head ever seen from any of the Doctor’s other friends who tended to have more of a hero worship thing going on. “We get help from Martha sometimes. She did the original amputation in my bedroom.”

“Martha? Martha Jones?”

“Yeah. Tracked her down. Wasn’t easy.”

“You’re very good if you followed that paper trail. No wonder the Doctor likes you so much… is she always this… sick?”

“I’m not going to sit here and discuss her with you behind her back. I don’t even know you. She’ll be up in a couple of hours. You can ask her then.” Yaz said plainly. “That was a call from my boss before. I have to work from home for a couple of hours. I trust you can entertain yourself for a while?”

“Oh I can definitely entertain myself” he grinned with cheeky wink which Yaz ignored.

“Don’t just leave. She’s had enough people walk out on her.”

“I wasn’t planning on it Yaz.”

“Only my friends get to call me Yaz.”

He watched Yasmin leave, she certainly hadn’t warmed to him even if she was trusting him in the house unsupervised. He wandered out to the garage for no particular reason. The first thing he noticed was a huge wheelchair parked in one corner. He thought she was sick now but if she had needed that… how bad had it been? Beside it was a… well he wasn’t sure what it was likely. Some sort of medical device, huge and bulky, not a wheelchair – looked more akin to a torture instrument with its ugly grey fabric and straps all over the place. He realised with a jolt that it was for showering… had someone actually had to shower her? There were boxes that were neatly stacked and labelled, most of them held every day things that he would have expected to have seen in anyone’s garage albeit meticulously organised, but the one labelled ‘tube feed supplies’ caught his eye and he felt sick. It only made him more determined that the planned expedition to bring down the Mhufeist would be a success. If they could reduce the Doctor to that…

There was a workbench at the far end and he wandered over for a look, unable to look at the medical supplies any more. There were three clear plastic boxes though they were packed much more haphazardly than the others in the garage and when he nosed inside he realised they contained some sort of machinery. He was pretty sure he could recognise parts from a microwave, an ordinary clock, a television remote… and if he wasn’t very much mistaken an extrapolator from the planet Theech… how in the world had she got her hands on that?

Unable to help himself Jack started pulling the machinery out of the box. A mess it might have looked but Jack knew the Doctor’s handywork when he saw it, and this was anything but a mess.

In fact, he became so engrossed in his task that he didn’t look up for several hours when the Doctor herself interrupted, looking considerably better than she had that morning. Her colour had returned and well… she wasn’t seizing. Nor was she still on oxygen. Watching Yasmin tuck her into bed, so gentle and tender, but also strong as she manhandled her like she weighed no more than a baby, securing an ugly oxygen mask to her face and propped slightly on one side with cushions. It had been almost disturbing.

“What are you doing?” she demanded coldly. “Leave that alone.”

Well at least she could talk again. The Doctor had never been one to shut up and seeing her unable to speak was almost as weird as referring to her with female pronouns.

“Why?”

“Because it’s private and it’s mine.”

“Where’s the TARDIS Doctor?”

“I told you, I don’t know.”

“Yasmin said you lost her.”

“As I said, I don’t know where the TARDIS is.”

“See the thing is Doc… you were always clever and that right there is choosing your words very carefully because maybe you don’t know where the TARDIS is, I believe you. But Yasmin said the TARDIS was ‘lost’ and you’re being very careful not to use those words. So answer me this. This is a fully functioning recall circuit and we both know that with your telepathic abilities this would take one blast from the sonic to bring the TARDIS right here right now. So why haven’t you done it?”


	92. Chapter 92

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who was kind enough to comment last week, I apologise that I haven't gotten back to everyone yet. Anyone who knows me knows it has been a hell of a week! 
> 
> We have lots of short pieces here following directly from Jacks bombshell last week. I hope you like them.

Yaz was on the phone, speaking to an assault victim who was terrified her attacker was outside her front door. He wasn’t, he was in prison, but the woman was petrified and Yaz was doing her best to calm her while also contacting the woman’s partner to go home and help her when she heard it. 

Loud, indistinct shouting coming from the garage. What on earth was going on? She knew the Doctor was up of course, she had helped her out of bed, but what had got into her and Jack? Yaz closed the door reluctantly, knowing she had to stay on the line with the terrified woman until her husband got home but also anxious about how worked up she could hear the Doctor getting. As she had proved over the last few days, she still couldn’t handle stress at all and a shouting match certainly wasn’t doing her any good.

Ten minutes later, she burst into the garage angrily. “What are you two doing?” she demanded. “I've had an assault victim on the phone for the last hour and all she could hear was you two!” She turned to Jack. “I don’t know you, but don’t come into my house and start yelling at my girlfriend no matter how long you’ve known each other. And you…” she turned to the Doctor “You’ve had two seizures in two days so can you stop trying to provoke a third one!” She huffed and stormed back out of the garage, deliberately leaving the door open and not giving either of them a chance to respond. She needed to phone the woman’s partner again to check in and log the calls. And she had been on the phone for so long she was now seriously behind in her paperwork. 

Jack waited until Yaz had disappeared. 

“I like her Doc. You always had impeccable taste in friends.” 

“Yaz isn’t my friend.” 

“Oh, I noticed.” Jack winked suggestively. There was a pause. “You have to tell her.” 

The Doctor glared, flicked her wheels and took herself out of the garage. Jack’s guts twisted painfully as he watched her go but he followed her anyway. “You have to tell her Doctor.” He repeated. 

“What business is it of yours?” she snapped. 

“Because she clearly loves you and you’re lying to her.” 

“Yaz has never asked.” 

“A lie of omission is just as bad.” Jack said reasonably. 

“Why are you still here Jack? I’ve told you, I’m not helping you.” 

“Oh come on Doctor. You can't honestly tell me that you’re happy like this? Living some twee little life of boring domesticity. I know you, remember? You want to be out there in the stars, running for your life, fighting…” 

He stopped when the Doctor burst out laughing. A cold and mirthless laugh. 

“Just go and think about that Jack. Have a look at me and then go and think about what you’ve just said.” 

There was a heated pause where both parties glowered at each other. 

“What’s wrong with you?” Jack asked finally. 

“Bit rude.” 

“You know what I mean.” 

“I really don’t see how it’s any of your business.” 

“Because by not helping me, you’re letting thousands of people on that ship down. You’re letting them stay in that hell when you, more than anyone else apparently, knows how bad it is and you’re doing nothing to help!” Jack shouted. 

The Doctor’s voice was simmering with barely contained anger. “You have _no idea_ what you’re asking of me Jack. How _dare_ you accuse me of that. How can you possibly think that I don’t _want_ to help? I CAN'T.” 

“You could if you wanted to!”

“You know nothing Jack. Nothing.”

The Doctor was just holding onto her temper, she longed to stand and be at eye level with Jack, but she couldn’t. She could feel herself losing control, not over her anger as such, over everything as her body began to tremble and all of a sudden it was hard to breathe. 

“Tell her Doctor or I will.” Jack said quietly. 

If Jack told Yaz she would kick her out. She would never want to see her again. She’d have to leave and never see Yaz or Ryan or Graham or Yaz’s family again. She’d be on her own. It was making her feel sick as her thoughts began to spiral.

She couldn’t answer as she choked and gasped for air, there were involuntary tears streaking down her face. When did she start crying? She pulled at her scarf and her hair, scratch marks appeared on her face as she clawed at her skin… It was all too much. She just wanted it to stop. 

“Doctor what the hell are you doing?” Jack demanded.

Was this some sort of ploy to make him feel sorry for her? To stop him telling Yaz? He wouldn’t actually tell her; it was none of his damn business even if it was a sleazy thing to do. And that was coming from him, God knew he was no angel. 

But then she opened her mouth and started screaming. A horrifying, bloodcurdling scream, full of pain and anger and terror and Jack realised that this was no ploy. He tried to reach out to calm her but that proved to be a mistake as she lashed out, shoving him away from her and kicking weakly. 

At that moment Yasmin barrelled her way into the room and pushed Jack out of the way. 

“What the hell is your problem?” she demanded furiously. “I told you to stop arguing. Can you not be left unsupervised for like five minutes?” before she turned her back on him resolutely. 

Jack backed up to give the two women space and watched as Yasmin crouched down in front of the Doctor. She was talking to her quietly though he couldn’t hear what she was saying. He would have been surprised if the Doctor could over the screams. She didn’t seem to be doing anything as she kept talking and the Doctor continued to attack herself. She was bleeding slightly from a couple of places, all self-inflicted, and it was nausea inducing. Eventually though the screaming began to abate, and Yasmin took a tight hold of the Doctor’s hands, firmly prizing them away from her face and stoking them lightly with her own thumbs. 

Suddenly all of the strength seemed to leave the Doctor and she collapsed forward. It was apparently less unexpected for Yasmin as she readily opened her arms and accepted the Doctor into them, holding her close, rocking her and all the while talking quietly to her. The Doctor was shaking all over and as she was hunched over in Yasmin’s arms, Jack realised he could see the delicate bones of her spine poking through. She looked terrible.

Jack wasn’t sure how long it had been going on when Yasmin slowly stood up and pushed the Doctor’s wheelchair in the direction of their bedroom, she didn’t so much as spare a glance in his direction. 

In the bedroom, Yaz closed the door behind them firmly, hopefully sending a message to Jack and lifted the Doctor onto their bed. She was still shaking badly and her breathing was agonal so Yaz looped the nasal cannula over her ear and gently inserted the prongs into her nose to support her before covering her with her weighted blanket. Satisfied, Yaz climbed up beside her and allowed the Doctor, who was still crying, to curl up into her while she held her close. 

“Want to talk about it?” Yaz asked gently, smoothing a strand of hair away from her face a few minutes later. 

The Doctor shook her head slowly, and to Yaz’s surprise, pulled herself away. She sat herself up shakily and held herself tightly. Yaz sat up too, crossing her legs and facing her. 

“I have to tell you something.” The Doctor said quietly. 

“Okay…” 

“But I think you’re going to hate me when I do. If you do… that’s okay. I’ll understand and I’ll leave.” 

“I can't imagine that it’s going to be that bad Doctor. I love you. You telling me something isn’t going to make me suddenly fall out of love.” 

“I think it’s going to make you hate me.” 

“Okay, well I’m not going to lie to you here, you’re scaring me a bit. Just tell me.” 

The Doctor stared at her legs and muttered something so quietly that Yaz couldn’t hear her. 

“I don’t have Time Lord hearing love, you’ll have to tell me again.” Yaz prompted her with a small smile. 

The Doctor had started crying again and Yaz could tell that she was on the verge of a second meltdown or panic attack. 

“Talk to me Doctor, please.” Yaz begged her. She tried to hold her hand, but the Doctor wouldn’t let her get close. 

“The TARDIS.” The Doctor whispered. She descended into something unintelligible again.

“Just talk to me Doctor. It’s just me. Just you and me.”

“I know where the TARDIS is… or at least I don’t know where she is, but I know how to bring her here. I… I’ve known for a long time…” 

She was shaking so much Yaz was slightly concerned she was going to fall off the bed. She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to think of the best way to handle it, what to say to the Doctor for the best. How to tell her… 

“You’ve known since before my birthday two years ago.” Yaz supplied. 

The Doctor stared at her. 

“I knew Doctor. Of course I knew.” 

“Then why didn’t you say…” 

“Because you clearly weren’t ready for me to know. I still don’t think you are.” 

“How?” the Doctor gasped. She was really struggling now and Yaz silently swapped the cannula for the full mask and readjusted the weighted blanket in an attempt to calm her. She hadn’t got herself this worked up in a long time. 

Yaz sighed softly. “You’re not as good at hiding yourself as you think you are. Or at least not from me, I can't imagine Ryan or Graham have figured it out and if they have, they haven’t said anything to me about it. But I used to come home from work every day and you would be in the garage. I couldn’t pull you away if I tried. Then one day I came home and you weren’t working. You were pacing and flapping but you kept telling me you were fine. A few days later we went on holiday and when we came back you started working with Ryan, you didn’t mention it. You showed no interest in it anymore. I just assumed.” 

“Do you hate me?” 

“Of course, I don’t hate you Doctor. I could never hate you. You had your reasons. Are you going to tell me about them?” 

“Does it matter?” 

“Of course it matters.” 

“I was scared… I thought if you knew you wouldn’t want me here anymore” she admitted quietly. “And I thought if you knew you would expect that life again, to go off travelling the universe and I can't. I don’t want to. I just don’t think I can do that again Yaz.” 

Her eyes were wide and frightened and her breathing, which had calmed somewhat, started to become more laboured again. 

“You still have a very hard time believing that people might just love you for you and not what you can offer them don’t you? I love you Doctor. I love you just the way you are. I love you when you’re sick and I love you when you’re healthy. I love you when you’re walking and I love you when you’re rolling. I love you if you decide you want to stay on earth with me and I love you if you need to be back out there. And I know you don’t want to travel right now, you don’t have to tell me. And you don’t have to travel. I don’t expect you to. It’s entirely your choice. All I want Doctor, is for you to be happy.” 

“How can that be all you have to say?” 

“Because I know you. I know you still find the every day tasks in life stressful and overwhelming even when you pretend your fine. I wish you could have felt able to tell me, but I also understand why you didn’t. You’ve been traumatised in the last few years sure and that’s all Ryan and Graham know about, but _I_ also know that you literally have thousands of years of loss and trauma that preceded that. I know you don’t feel worthy of being loved or like you don’t deserve to be happy but Doctor you do deserve it. And I'm not going to walk away from you. I'm yours for as long as I live. You’re the only person I want, and I love you no matter what way you come.” 

“Yaz?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I’m sorry I lied to you.” 

“I know. But I don’t consider it a lie. You just weren’t ready and you were afraid… Can I hold you now? Please? You’re shaking like a leaf.” 

The Doctor nodded and Yaz pulled her in close, wrapping her in her arms tightly. 

Yaz sighed softly and kissed her on the top of her head. It was true that she wasn’t angry with the Doctor but sometimes it felt like it was impossible to convince the Doctor that her love for her was genuine and not some sort of infatuation. 

It wasn’t long after that, that Jack knocked on the bedroom door and walked in without waiting for an answer. He took in the scene in front of him. The Doctor was cradled against Yasmin, curled up in a small ball and being held tightly. There was an ordinary, twenty-first century oxygen mask clamped against her face. She looked… tiny, frail and fragile. She made no reaction to his bursting in but Yasmin was watching him carefully. 

It was Yasmin who spoke, not the Doctor. 

“Don’t stand over us and stare like that, it’s intimidating and rude.” 

By which Jack knew she meant don’t stand over the Doctor and intimidate her like that, Yasmin did not seem to be a woman who could be intimidated easily, especially when it came to her mission to protect the Doctor. But he did as he was bidden and pulled a chair from the corner of the room to sit on. He was going to move the Doctor’s wheelchair out of the way to come closer but Yaz gave him such a fierce glare he halted. 

“Don’t touch that, it’s not yours. If you move that to where she can't reach it, it’s the same as if I pulled up the ground you were walking on and let you fall.” 

Jack slipped an easy grin on his face as he moved the ordinary chair and sat down casually but he felt the chastisement. He wasn’t sure why he cared what Yasmin thought of him exactly, but he did. 

He watched as Yasmin helped the Doctor sit up in bed. She was on top of the duvet but had a blanket spread across her legs none the less. She looked so weak and sick as she fidgeted with it and she allowed Yaz to take care of her, swapping the full oxygen mask for a small one and helping her adjust her stance so she was more stable. 

“What happened to you Doctor? If I’m going there to rescue their victims, I need to know.” 

The Doctor looked at Yasmin, there was a lot of silent communication going on between them. 

“It’s their mental state, not their physical state that you need to be worried about.” Yasmin answered. “Physically they won’t be in good shape but their mental state will be a thousand times worse. Make sure you have women on your team, especially performing any medical treatments. They will have been abused almost exclusively by men and the majority of victims you’re going to rescue will be female.” 

“But your physical… condition…” 

The Doctor spoke up, finally. “The only physical damage you can see that happened while I was with the Mhufeist is the scars. Had an unfortunate encounter with a Grofriar who I offended. My leg was damaged when I arrived here and got infected which is why Martha amputated. I was walking but about a year ago I got sick with a brain infection. It left me quadriplegic and unable to speak. It’s why my hands are still useless and why I sound like I do when I speak because I have a lot of muscle weakness. I don’t have the same respiratory system that you do but it’s still muscular and still affected by the muscle weakness which is why I often need extra support with my breathing. I can manage a few steps with help but as Yaz said, it’s the mental health problems that tend to be bigger. I struggle to leave the house, I don’t cope well with meeting new people or even people I already know, I have severe, complex PTSD, numerous phobias and everything is compounded by brain damage from the infection. My memory from the last few years is in tatters, I can't plan or think properly. I need to sleep and rest all the time.”

Jack felt his insides sink. He hadn’t known. If he had, he never would have asked her to come. Not a bit of wonder she had got so freaked out.

“I’m sorry Doctor.” Jack apologised. “I really didn’t know, if I had I never would have…” 

“You don’t owe me an apology Jack. Just… just do your best for those people okay? And, when it’s done, let me know.” 

Jack stood up and saluted. “I promise.” 

“You have to go now.” 

“I have my vortex manipulator.” 

“Cheap and nasty time travel.” The Doctor said with a small smile. “Just as likely that you’d turn up a decade too late.” 

“Like the TARDIS has never done that.” Jack quipped. “Can I hug you before I go?” 

The Doctor smiled properly and opened her arms. Although her body felt so incredibly delicate under his arms, she hugged him back with surprising force. 

“Stay safe.” She whispered. 

“I always do!” Jack replied with a signature grin.

Jack chanced a cheeky kiss on her cheek, shook Yasmin’s hand who took it with little reluctance and was off. 

“Are you sure you’re ready to do this?” Yaz asked. 

“Yes. They need to know. I should have told all of you a long time ago.” 

Jack had left a week ago and the Doctor was psyching herself to tell Ryan and Graham. She had still made no move to call the TARDIS and had spent most of the week in a state of acute anxiety, but this was the first night Yaz, Ryan and Graham had all been free. Yaz already knew of course, but the Doctor wanted her there for moral support. 

“Evening!” called Graham cheerfully, suddenly appearing behind her. 

The Doctor jumped and Ryan put a steadying hand on her shoulder before pulling her into a warm embrace. 

“You alright Doc?” Graham asked, already helping himself to the kettle while Ryan had plonked down at the table and was opening a packet of biscuits. 

Yaz helped Graham with the tea and carried the mugs over before sitting in the chair beside the Doctor. 

“Actually, I need to talk to you about something.” The Doctor said quietly, she had her hands wrapped her mug, but she made no effort to drink from it as she stared at it, unable to look either of the boys in the eye. 

“Right…” 

The Doctor swallowed, trying not to become emotional. 

Yaz looked at her encouragingly. 

“You remember we went to Wales a few years ago?”

“Sure, ended up hiding from the military police.”

“You got that thing that didn’t work.”

The Doctor cleared her throat uncomfortably.

“I… the equipment we got when we went to Wales a couple of years ago, I was able to build what I needed to with it but… but I never did.” She said in a rush, as though her deception was going to hurt her friends less if it was delivered quickly, like ripping off a plaster. 

“Wait, what?” Graham asked looking confused. 

“I…” 

“She’s saying she could have got the TARDIS back ages ago… Right Doctor?” Ryan asked. 

The Doctor nodded, she couldn’t work out either of the two boy’s reactions yet. 

“How long ago?” Graham asked, his voice quiet and measured. 

“Shortly after we got back from Wales.” The Doctor admitted slowly. 

“WHAT?” shouted Ryan. “THAT WAS MORE THAN TWO YEARS AGO!” 

“I know.” She whispered.

She was already ashamed of herself but Ryan shouting at her was only making it worse. Not that she didn’t deserve it.

“HOW THE FUCK IN TWO YEARS DID YOU NOT THINK TO MENTION THIS? DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE’VE BEEN THROUGH TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU? WHAT YAZ HAS BEEN THROUGH?!” 

“I know.” 

“YOU COULD HAVE HAD PROPER MEDICAL CARE! YOU COULD HAVE HAD ANYTHING YOU NEEDED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND YOU JUST WHAT, COULDN’T BE BOTHERED?” 

“Having the Tardis wouldn’t have changed anything.” 

“WOULDN’T HAVE CHANGED ANYTHING!? ARE YOU NUTS? HAVE YOU ACTUALLY, FINALLY FUCKING LOST IT? YOU’RE SERIOUSLY TELLING ME THAT YAZ'S MEDICAL KNOWLEDGE IS THE MEDICAL KNOWLEDGE OF THE FUTURE?” 

“No, I'm saying that when I got sick I was in no fit state to fly the TARDIS. Even now I don’t think I could fly her, she’s designed to be flown by six people. I don’t think I would have the mobility to manage and I certainly don’t have the dexterity.” 

“THOSE SOUND LIKE REALLY SHIT EXCUSES DOCTOR!” The Doctor had never seen Ryan so angry before. Never seen him lose his temper and it was frightening. “You told us you had emergency protocols! Surely to God there’s one that would have taken you to your own damn planet for proper medical care? At least then we wouldn’t have to be terrified every time something happens in public just in case someone might get near you with a fucking stethoscope!” 

His words, somehow all the more harsh now he had stopped shouting, instead they were more accusatory and each one hit the Doctor like a physical blow. 

“My planet is gone! There’s nothing there! It’s just me left. Well, me and the Master and the TARDIS never would have taken me to him.” 

“How can a planet be gone?” 

“Well it’s still hanging in the sky if that’s what you mean. But he, the Master, destroyed it and slaughtered every last man, woman and child.” Her voice was controlled and deceptively calm but Yaz was aware of just how much pain she was in as she recounted that. 

Ryan looked at her, trying to gauge why she was telling him that, why she was telling him now, was she trying to gain sympathy so he wasn’t angry?

“HAVING SOME SORT OF SOB STORY DOESN’T MAKE WHAT YOU’VE DONE ANY BETTER!” 

Ryan and gone back to shouting and was standing, leaning over the table furiously. 

Yaz had seen Ryan lose control before, and it never tended to end well. When he was a teenager, he had sorted out his problems with his fists which had regularly got him into trouble. But the Doctor hadn’t, and she had started shaking, cowering away from the shouting. 

Ryan took a step forward and Yaz quickly got up, physically stepping between them. Ryan might be bigger and stronger than she was, but he was also dyspraxic and had learned to fight on the streets whereas she had had hours and hours of training to deal with this exact situation. She didn’t actually thing Ryan would hit the Doctor but if he did, their relationship would probably never be salvageable. 

“Hey! You need back off Ryan.” Yaz said, her voice firm and calmer than she felt inside. She had expected him to be angry. She hadn’t expected it to be this bad. He had every right to be angry with her and Yaz certainly wasn’t going to protect the Doctor from every scary thing out there, especially when the situation she was in was of her own doing. But she also wasn’t going to let anyone, not even Ryan, stand over her like that. It was intimidating and threatening, and coming from Ryan who knew what she had been through, it was unacceptable.

“I’m sorry.” The Doctor managed to choke out. 

Ryan looked down at himself, seemingly only just aware of how he had gotten up and was now using his quite considerable height and size advantage to intimidate the Doctor who, frankly, looked on the verge of collapse with the stress. 

“I never thought you were a coward Doctor.” He said scathingly before turning and storming out, slamming the door so hard behind him that the windows throughout the house rattled. 

Graham stood quietly, his tea for once untouched. He also looked slightly shaken by Ryan’s outburst. He didn’t have a temper but the look of disappointment on his face was almost too much to bear. 

“I don’t even know what to say to you right now Doctor.” He said quietly, leaving the house as silently and sadly as Ryan had done loudly and angrily. 

Somehow, Graham calling her Doctor hurt far more than anything Ryan had shouted.

  
  


  
  


The Doctor had barely said a word since her blow up with Ryan a few days ago and she point blank refused to talk about it. She swam laps in the pool with Yaz during hydrotherapy but her heart wasn't in it, it wasn’t the same without Ryan there. Ryan still always joined them hydrotherapy. Although they hadn't spoken in days the Doctor had been very hopeful that he would turn up for their normal session, he wasn't at work or university, but he hadn't.

When she had swum her laps Yaz helped her attach the small ankle weights they used to stop her drifting off and she sculled herself into an upright position using the bars at the side of the pool for help. They had managed to acquire a pair of crutches that were made from fibreglass rather than aluminium which meant they could be used in water without a fear of them rusting and she was very slowly learning to use them to move across the pool in a similar fashion to how she would hopefully be able to move around the house without her leg on someday soon. Before she had gotten sick, she had done it all the time but now it was a skill that was a long way off. Even with both legs on for balance it was hard work for her to use her crutches though she was choosing to do so more and more.

When she was upright and stable, Yaz moved a couple of paces in front of her. It was hard work to even move the crutches through the water as they were heavier than her usual ones not to mention the resistance of the water but she wasn't ready to try it without the water yet and the extra strength it required was good for her anyway. 

When they had done that, they practiced on the stairs, used the parallel bars followed by weights and a few cool down laps.

When they were done the Doctor hauled herself out of the pool and Yaz helped her climb into the rickety old shower chair she hated so much. They both washed and dressed quietly, the Doctor hadn't said much for days and Yaz knew she was missing the boys, especially Ryan who she usually saw several times a week and who always texted her at least once a day to check in. He was her best friend and she relied on him, just as someone different to talk to that wasn't Yaz. Yaz wasn't going to lie, she missed them too. She had spoken to Ryan the night before briefly; he was still angry. He had said Graham wasn't home when Yaz had asked but Yaz was sure he had been lying, she had been able to hear one of the game shows Graham was addicted to in the background, Ryan wouldn't be caught dead watching one of those when he was home alone.

"Where are we going?" The Doctor asked as they sat in the car, realising that Yaz wasn't driving home.

"We need to go out and do something. Can't sit in the house forever, we're going to see what's on in the cinema."

"I don't know..."

"Doctor it's a Monday night, the place will be practically empty because they do cheap tickets on Tuesdays. And I fancy a ridiculous amount of popcorn and then going into the burger place next door after. Please?"

"Okay." the Doctor consented slowly. 

Yaz grinned and turned off the main road to the out of town leisure centre where the cinema was located. 

As Yaz had predicted, the cinema was like a ghost town with just a few other patrons and they were able to buy tickets, a massive serving of sweet popcorn and a slush puppy to share without queueing before they were shown into the cinema. 

"Hey Yaz." the Doctor hissed a few minutes into the trailer while also eating a gigantic mouthful of popcorn.

"What?"

"I forgot my glasses." she whispered.

Yaz giggled. "I'll read you any subtitles." she promised. The Doctor was forever leaving her glasses in stupid places, it was a running joke between them. Only a few days ago they had turned up in the shower after the Doctor realised she had been wearing them when she got in, taken them off because they got steamed up and just left them on the floor. It was more surprising that Yaz hadn't stepped on them really. Though overall it was less weird than the time they had gone missing for days and had eventually turned up in the fridge. Neither of them could explain that one. 

Yaz had been slightly nervous about how the Doctor would cope with the noise of the cinema but they were only joined by a handful of other people who all sat near the back, Yaz and the Doctor were restricted to the front row because of her wheelchair, and although she had startled so violently when the screen first came on that she had knocked half of their popcorn on the floor and clutched Yaz in a death grip, but by the time the trailers were over and the film started she had relaxed again and seemed to enjoy herself. 

The film was a stupid comedy, not especially funny but it was rare the two of them went out for the evening and they both enjoyed it anyway and they headed into the burger bar next door cheerfully. It was a lot busier than the cinema had been, but it wasn't too bad and they were seated by an older waitress who rattled off the specials rapidly. The Doctor ordered a cheese burger and chips while Yaz was enticed by the halloumi burger and onion rings, glad that the evening out seemed to be having the desired effect of cheering the Doctor up a little.

“Ryan!” Yaz said in surprise, answering the door a few days later. “I didn’t know you were coming over.”

"I... can I come in?"

"Since when did you ask?" Yaz asked stepping back to allow him to enter. "Normally you just barge in without even knocking."

She led him through to the kitchen where she put the kettle on. 

"Feels like I haven't seen you in ages." Yaz remarked in an attempt to fill the awkward silence that had fallen between them.

"Yeah... been busy" Ryan said lamely. 

Yaz handed him a cup of tea and he immediately took a large gulp for something to do and then started fanning his mouth from the scalding hot tea.

Yaz rolled her eyes and also handed him a glass of water which he downed quickly. "Honestly, you're worse than the Doctor is." she teased. 

"Where is she?" Ryan asked when he had regained his senses. 

"Bed. Sleeping I hope."

"I thought she'd stopped with the afternoon naps?"

"She has."

"Did she have a seizure?" Ryan asked worriedly.

"No, no, nothing like that. She just hasn't been sleeping well lately."

"By lately you mean since I shouted at her?"

"You did more than shout at her." Yaz pointed out. "I thought you were going to hit her."

"I wanted to." Ryan admitted. "That's why I left. I haven't been that angry in a very long time. You know what I was like as a teenager, always getting into fights. But hitting her... it's not like she could fight back is it? I was scared of how angry I were. I had to go before I lost control, cause I knew if I hit her I'd lose all of ya."

"Graham would've been mad at you but I think he would have forgiven you. But it's okay to be angry with her Ryan. She's incredibly frustrating to be with sometimes. And this was a very big thing to keep to herself. You can't just deny your feelings about it just because she’s disabled."

"You're not angry."

"I never said that."

"When did she tell you?"

"A few days before you. Jack forced her into it. She wasn't ready to tell me, got herself into such a state over it."

"She can't hear us, can she?" Ryan interrupted. 

Yaz indicated the monitor over his shoulder. "Sound asleep, finally."

"So why aren't you angry?"

"Again, I never said I wasn't angry. Mostly I'm sad because she still struggles to share parts of herself. But I already knew. Or at least, I strongly suspected. She just stopped working on it one day. She used that project with you as an excuse, and then, she caught the brain infection and used that as an excuse instead. But you must remember how sick she was back then, she's right, she was in no fit state to fly the TARDIS. I still don't think she could. She's not mobile enough and her hands are shot. You remember how she'd dance around the console like a woman possessed, pulling levers, twisting dials, pressing buttons? Even if her brain could coordinate all of that now, her hands certainly couldn't."

"I thought the brain stuff was less of an issue now."

Yaz snorted. "Ryan, don't take this the wrong way. I know you guys text and all, but you don't spend all that much time together anymore because of your work and uni. And that's okay, if anything it's a good thing because it means you've got a more 'normal' friendship going on. But believe me when I say, the brain damage is still a massive issue. Do you know she still can't make a cup of tea without checking the instructions? She can't plan literally anything. I have cheat sheets all over the house to remind her how to do stuff. For goodness sake it took her two weeks to learn how to make a toastie and then yesterday, because she hadn't done it in about a week, she had forgotten again and she just stared at the ingredients like she'd never seen them before. But it's not even just that, it's all the little things too. She still gets so overwhelmed sometimes she just freezes. Her default response to being upset is to go silent. If she's under too much stress, she has a seizure. She had two while Jack was here and then another one after the two of you got into it. It's just, I think it's easy to overlook the extent of her brain damage but actually, it's still a massive problem but she's getting good at hiding it now. It's easy to underestimate just how much help she still needs."

"I thought things were getting better, or at least since the thing with Maisie anyway."

"They are Ryan. She's generally on a more even keel now. Less really good days but less really bad ones too. But she's better at hiding when she's struggling too. She looks like she's doing a whole lot better but really, she's just better at faking it."

"Fake it till you make it." Ryan muttered

"Something like that." Yaz agreed with a small smile. 

“I know her speech isn’t right yet but she still sounds so much more like I remember her.”

“Her intellectual capacity doesn’t seem to be affected. She could lecture you on anything she turned her mind to most likely. She swallows books and regurgitates them to me all the time. But ask her to go down the street to the bus stop 300 meters away and she basically needs a map.”

"Well if she can call the TARDIS, can't she go somewhere that can heal her?" 

"I think she's telling the truth. The issue is, she isn't sick, not anymore. She has healed injuries. Her brain is learning new pathways around the damaged areas, but it is irreparably damaged. If she had had access to that care last March when the infection hit, then maybe. And as she also said, it's not like she can just go home for medical care is it?"

"Did you know about that?" Ryan asked quietly.

"Yeah, she told me about it a long time ago. There was a war between her people and the Daleks. Her whole planet is gone, and it was her fault but now it's the Master's fault. To be honest Ryan, I'm not comfortable telling you about that. If you want to know I think you need to talk to her about it yourself." 

"Fair enough... oh she's awake. Do you need to go and..."

"Nah, she'll shout if she needs help. She's fine. Are you staying or going?"

"I'll stay. I think we need to talk to each other... preferably without shouting."

"Fair. And Ryan... if you want to see where her head's at, ask her to do something with you one day when I'm at work, just the two of you... the cracks show pretty quick. You’ll see what I mean."

The Doctor appeared a few minutes later, by the time she did so, Yaz had already made her a cup of tea but she froze in the doorway when she saw Ryan.

"Hi" Ryan greeted. 

"Hello..." she sounded nervous and she rolled into the kitchen slowly, stopping a little shy of the table. Yaz could see she was ready to make a quick getaway if she felt the situation required it.

Ryan watched her, he could practically see the anxiety rolling off of her and an awkward silence fell over the kitchen.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” he asked, plunging straight into the deep end.

“It was wrong of me. I shouldn’t have, I want you to know though, I really never meant to lie to you.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

The Doctor fiddled anxiously with the hem of her jumper.

“I don’t want to travel again... or at least not right now.” She admitted slowly. “I was worried that if you guys knew I had her, that you would want to go travelling again when I just… just the thought of going somewhere, not knowing where or what might happen. It makes me feel sick.”

She looked at him, finally, nervously.

“Do you have any idea how insulting that is Doctor? Is that what you think of us? That we’re only friends with you because we like travelling and that if you can't travel that we’ll ditch you. I don’t even know what to say to that.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Just…” Ryan blew out a frustrated breath. “Look in my opinion you should call the TARDIS, she’s your oldest friend. You don’t have to go anywhere or even go inside but don’t lie to us. And try and remember that even when we’re mad, we still love you just for you. Not because of what you have.”

“I am sorry Ryan.”

“Thank-you.”

Yaz was sitting cross legged on the workbench, holding two large cables, ready to connect them at a moment’s notice. Graham was leaning against the wall and Ryan was ready to connect a power switch. The Doctor was in the middle of the garage, sonic in her hand and the extrapolator in her lap.

“Hey Doc? Are you sure about this? Only I can’t help remember the last time you tried to get yourself to the TARDIS and the four of us ended up floating in outer space.” Graham asked. His tone wasn’t quite as light as it could have been, edging towards accusatory and highlighting how he still wasn’t ready to forgive her. But he had come and that was all that mattered, they were a fam and that meant showing up, even when you were mad.

“Hey! I apologised for that profusely. Besides I’m not transporting myself anywhere, I’m calling the TARDIS to me. I’ve rigged the extrapolator we got in Wales to enhance my own telepathic abilities and I still have a link with the TARDIS. Hopefully she can hear me and will come when I call. She won’t like it though, she hates it when I call her.”

But she wasn’t sure it would work. She felt sick. If this plan didn’t work she didn’t have another one. It had taken months for her to bully her brain into coming up with this one. It constantly felt like it was still only working at half speed, sometimes not even that and when she had done this, her brain had had far less damage than it did now. And part of her wondered if she even wanted it to work.

No. She did. She wanted the TARDIS back, she just didn’t want to leave.

Her palms were sweaty as she clutched the sonic, steadying it between her knuckles, extending her arm and pointing it at the rigged-out extrapolator.

“Now” she shouted at Yaz and Ryan who both immediately sprang into action.

For a moment nothing happened. Then the Doctor felt a searing pain through her head. She clenched her fists, pushing against the side of her head, her eyes screwed shut and bent double at her waist

There was silence as the Doctor gasped in pain before there was a quite but distinctive whine in the air.

Yaz snapped to attention, bouncing off the bench and Ryan straightened up looking for the source of the sound. Graham was staring at the Doctor as she had started to emit a high pitched, broken wail and Yaz hurried over, putting a soothing hand on the Doctor’s back and the other on her shoulder as she crouched in front of her.

The whining grew louder and more insistent, echoing off the bare concrete walls in the confined space.

“I see something!” shouted Ryan.

“Come on Doc you can do it” muttered Graham, just loudly enough for her to hear.

Yaz concentrated on holding her up as she got heavier and heavier, leaning forward in her chair and against Yaz.

There was a definite flicker in front of them which grew stronger and stronger.

Yaz could hear the Doctor muttering to herself, urging it to work.

The Blue Box was becoming more and more distinct until suddenly it materialised full strength in front of them and the whining stopped.

The Doctor gasped, and, taking a huge intake of breath, sagged in Yaz’s arms. Yaz gently lowered her to the floor and checked for the reassuring double pulses which were beating strongly. She had just fainted. Yaz cradled her head in her arms and gently shook her shoulder to rouse her. It only took a moment and she accepted Ryan’s hands to help her back into her wheelchair.

She was staring at the TARDIS and Yaz watched her swallow thickly.

“Are you okay?”

“I don’t know.”

The Doctor slowly rolled towards the TARDIS, she stroked the blue paintwork reverently.

She didn’t know what she felt. What she was supposed to feel.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to leave you.”

Yaz, Ryan and Graham watched. They remembered when she had been reunited with the TARDIS on Desolation. They had thought her emotional reaction then to be over the top and slightly ridiculous. Now they knew better, there was no judgement at the tears that were in her eyes. They were feeling a bit emotional themselves truth be told.

“I’m sorry, I’ve lost my key again” she admitted.

The door opened with a soft click. The Doctor hesitated, looking unsure.

“You can do this Doctor.” Yaz said softly, having appeared behind her from nowhere. “Go ahead, we’ll come in a minute.”

The Doctor slowly moved into the TARDIS, it hadn’t changed at all from how she remembered it… had it really been six years? Closer to seven now. They had never been apart for so long unless you counted her time in the confession dial which she didn’t tend to.

Instantly, the connection to the TARDIS that she hadn’t even realised she missed anymore was back and she whined in concern around her.

“I’m okay, I promise” she reassured.

More gentle humming.

“I know, I missed you too” she soothed. “I know I don’t look that great, but the fam took great care of me.”

The hums became more insistent.

“I know I can’t lie to you. I’m not that fine but I’m getting there. Really.”

She heard footsteps behind her.

“You okay Doctor?”

Yaz walked forward to meet her and helped her pop a wheelie over the step so she could get to the console. The Doctor laid her hands on it, almost reverently, closing her eyes as a warmth spread into her hands and through her body.

Suddenly though, it all felt too much. The TARDIS in her head, talking too her. It was too loud. Too overwhelimg. She shoved herself back from the console as hard as she could, shaking and forcing her castors to move properly over the grated floor. She bumped down hard over the step and burst out through the doors, ignoring Ryan and Graham who were calling her and rushing towards the safety of their bedroom where it was quiet and safe and calm and safe. Trembling, she pulled the weighted blanket around her as tightly as she could, trying to calm her brain, body and breathing.

“Doc?”

That was Graham’s voice. She tried to answer but the words were stuck.

She vaguely registered him sitting opposite her on the bed.

“You and me Doc”, he said slowly “we know what it is to lose people. I’ve been a widower twice now. Lost my parents as a teenager. Lost my two older brothers when they were in the army. My first wife, she and I never had kids, she had seven miscarriages in twelve years. Then Grace. I never thought I’d have a family after that but here I am, mid sixties, couldn’t love you lot more if you were my own grandkids…”

The Doctor snorted.

“Yeah you might be ancient or whatever.” Graham answered with a smirk, correctly interpreting her snort “but quite frankly you’re far more childish and in need of a grandad than Ryan and Yaz put together… but what I mean Doc is I can understand suddenly having the TARDIS back probably feels like a lot right now. She’s not just a ship to you. She’s your home, your oldest friend, your constant. But she also represents your past and it’s pretty obvious that you’re trying very hard to create a future here with Yaz and I admire you for it. You two have a lot working against you, but your love for each other is very obvious. Just because the TARDIS is parked in your garage, don’t mean you have to go anywhere. She’ll be ready when you are. I know Yaz keeps telling you this Doc, but just be happy. Don’t worry about flying off unless it’s something you want. We’re with you no matter what you decide, no expectations. Just fam.”

The Doctor gave him a wobbly smile.

“Thanks Graham, I needed to hear that.”

“Anytime cockle.”

And Graham… I am sorry. I really didn’t mean to lie to you or betray your trust.”

Graham looked at her with a mock stern expression. “Promise not to do it again and make me a cup of tea and you’re forgiven.”

“Deal.” She agreed with a watery smile.

To Graham’s great surprise, she reached out and gave him a brief hug. She never did that, but he wrapped her in his arms nonetheless, glad and priviliged to be her Grandad.

Half an hour later Ryan downed the last of his tea and he and Graham stood up. “I have to go to work, but I have this for you… seeing as you’re not going anywhere.”

Ryan put an envelope on the table, pushing it towards the Doctor.

“Do what you want with it… but seeing as you’re staying.

Yaz showed them out and when she came back the Doctor had (literally) torn the envelope apart.

“What is it?” Yaz asked.

The Doctor was silent, she shoved her glasses on her nose and read, a deep frown line appearing on her forehead.

“Doctor?”

“It’s a job application. For a lecturer in astrophysics at the university he studies at.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This includes the original ending to the story (what would have been chapter 29). It has only been modified very slightly, if you're interested, had the story ended there the Doctor and Yaz were going to take off and Ryan and Graham were going to stay behind. She would also have been walking as the brain infection never happened.


	93. Chapter 93

“Where do you want this?” Yaz asked the Doctor, holding up one of the boxes she had brought. They were standing in, of all places, the Doctor’s office at the university. Three months after Ryan had dumped an application form on their kitchen table the Doctor was going to start working at the same university he studied at, as a senior lecturer in astrophysics. The psychic paper had outdone itself in producing her references and paperwork and the university had fawned over her to get her through the doors. And now it was almost time.

The Doctor’s office was on the eighth floor of the science building and she would be sharing it with another new member of staff, a woman by the name of Dr Polly Harvey, who had just finished her PHD and would be the most junior member of staff. The room was nice enough, it was nothing like the office she had had at Saint Luke’s, it was a large square with a window overlooking the campus quad and the campus lake in the distance. Under the window was a couch, that was something the Doctor had asked for in a meeting she had had about ‘special accommodations’ so she could rest if she needed to. There were two desks on the right-hand wall, one of which had ha desk chair at it, that was Polly’s, and one that didn’t, that was hers. The other wall was full of book cases. The Doctor had already taken the executive decision to fill the lower half of each bookcase with some of her collection from Saint Luke’s, hopefully Polly would be tall enough to reach the upper shelves. Beside her desk was a lockable filing cabinet, a storage unit and the desk had several shelves above it that she wouldn’t be able to reach from her wheelchair.

The Doctor checked the label on the box and rolled her eyes.

“Put it in the bottom drawer of the storage unit.” She directed finally.

It was the box of emergency supplies – an oxygen tank and mask, full change of clothes, catheters, first aid kit, wet wipes, a blanket and towels for dignity purposes, heating pads for muscle pain and a few other bits and pieces that she used to help when her anxiety was threatening to overwhelm her including a miniature version of her weighted blanket that she could sit on her lap under her desk and no one would know it was there.

Yaz unpacked the contents of the box calmly and then headed to the next one. The Doctor had pulled out a couple of photographs from home that she wanted to have on the shelves above her desk – one of Yaz smiling in her police uniform, one of the two of them taken at Graham’s seventieth birthday a few weeks ago, and one of the four of them taken aboard the TARDIS shortly after the incident in Alabama. Meanwhile, the Doctor was unpacking some items of stationery into the desk drawers – notebooks, pens, highlighters, document wallets, her straps for holding the items, one of her spare pairs of glasses. She had finally got round to going to the optician and discovered that her glasses weren’t broken, she just needed a stronger prescription. Yaz put on some music while they worked, she was filing books away. The Doctor had already organised them into categories and packed them accordingly so all Yaz had to do was empty each box onto the shelves.

The last thing they needed to do was her notice board. There was a sheet on it with emergency information including her seizure first aid and contact numbers for Yaz, Ryan, Najia, Sonya, Graham and even Hakim in that order. Beside that there was a colour coded copy of her timetable. For now, she was working two mornings a week between eight and twelve and one slightly longer day until half four, co-teaching two undergraduate classes, one masters class and supporting a doctoral student, plus the occasional astrophysics lecture that would form parts of the other science degrees the university offered. There would be an additional three lectures a week to give that she could do from home if she wanted to and could even pre-record. Compared to what she had done at Saint Luke’s it wasn’t much, but it would be a lot for her brain to handle, especially in the beginning and she was already feeling nervous.

If she was honest with herself, the Doctor had only filled out the job application to make Ryan happy, he had been so angry with her it had been frightening. She truly hadn’t expected to even be asked for interview and had been even more stunned when she had been offered a job – the panel had been so shocked when she had rolled in for her turn – but they had also been impressed by her extensive list of very real qualification and experience (admittedly with made up dates).

Yaz emerged from underneath her desk where she had been plugging in the Doctor’s calendar. It was a useful product which would remind her fifteen minutes before the start of each class of where she was supposed to be and again five minutes later. She could also make voice notes on the calendar which would keep a to do list updated for her.

She had already received her staff laptop and iPad as well as some adaptive software, her computer would read to her when she wanted it to and it had excellent voice dictation – she could type but with her hands, it was slow going and often inaccurate.

Satisfied that her office was ready, her half at least looked homey, Yaz and the Doctor left. It had an electronic lock that she could open with her staff badge which she would be required to wear around her neck on a lanyard, but Graham had bought her a rainbow striped lanyard when she had gotten the job so she didn’t mind.

The Doctor led the way from her office to the lift and Yaz followed, heading out to where they had parked the car. 

“Are you still okay to go out tonight?” Yaz checked. She was doing okay but she was also better at hiding when she wasn’t.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s go.”

She transferred into the car, putting her wheelchair onto the back seat and Yaz drove them into town.

“Are you going to spend all evening pointing out the inaccuracies at the exhibit?” Yaz asked.

“That’s the best part Yaz.” The Doctor replied seriously. “I’m a Time Traveller, I point and laugh at archaeologists.”

“Wasn’t River an archaeologist?”

The Doctor smiled. “Yeah… renowned actually. She taught at Luna University, the best university in the galaxy. No one could find intact artefacts or things that totally changed their perception of how cultures lived like she could. Of course, she was a terrible cheat… she had a vortex manipulator and a Time Travelling husband.” The Doctor rolled her eyes affectionately.

Yaz laughed. “So is that why you always cheat when we play games?”

“I do not!” the Doctor protested indignantly.

“You tried words from fourteen different languages in scrabble the other night! My dad was so confused!”

“Can't help it Yaz, the TARDIS is as strong as she always was in my head now she’s parked in the garage. She just translates, stuff for me, I can't always help it.”

“Yeah I know what you mean.” Yaz said seriously. “Had a victim in the other day who only spoke Japanese. Now everyone thinks I’m fluent, but I didn’t even realise I was speaking it. I can't have them thinking I'm some sort of polyglot prodigy or something.”

“What did you tell them?”

“Night classes and a gift for languages. But they already know I speak English, Arabic and Urdu. I can't speak everything.”

“You can always call me if you like, I’ll ‘translate’ for you.”

“That’s sweet but you have a job now. Not to mention you still go to Maisie’s school every week and tutor Sonya on top, I think that’s enough for now, don’t you? Besides, you really don’t need to hear it, what they're talking about I mean.”

The Doctor didn’t say anything, Yaz was probably right.

They had pulled up outside the museum and Yaz leaned over and kissed her on the cheek.

“Chair or crutches?”

“Just one crutch and a hand?” the Doctor asked hopefully.

Yaz grinned at her. “Such a romantic.” She teased, heading round to the boot and lifting out the Doctor’s right crutch. She handed it over and put a supportive hand under the Doctor’s left elbow to help her up before slipping her hand into the Doctor’s.

“Steady?”

“I’m fine, let’s go.”

They walked up the three steps to the museum entrance and into the main gallery at a very slow but completely acceptable pace.

“Do you just wanna do the exhibit or the whole museum?” the Doctor asked.

“It’s you who wanted to come here. Let’s do the exhibit first because that’s why we’re here and then we can take in some of the permanent galleries if you’re up to it.”

“I’m fine Yaz.”

“I know, but it’s a lot of walking.”

“And my wheelchair’s in the car.” The Doctor reminded her gently but she allowed Yaz to steer her over to the lifts to the top floor of the museum where there was a specialist visiting exhibit about forensic archaeology.

Her wheelchair may well have been in the car but Yaz knew perfectly well from experience over the last few weeks that now that she had left the car on foot, she wouldn’t get back into it without a fight and would probably collapse before she agreed to it.

Unsurprisingly, the exhibit wasn’t particularly crowded which was good, the Doctor’s balance wouldn’t cope if she was jostled.

“I think this is so interesting. The forensics they do at work is amazing and all but this…” Yaz said interestedly as she and the Doctor looked at the skeleton of a teenage boy. “He lived more than four thousand years ago, but just by looking at his bones and teeth they know how he died, they know he was approximately seventeen years old, they know he broke his arm when he was about three and that he was lucky to survive that injury, they know what he ate… it’s just amazing!”

The Doctor smiled slightly at her enthusiasm.

“How come you never ask?” she asked Yaz suddenly.

“Ask what?”

“The TARDIS is parked in the garage. But you’ve never once asked me to take you somewhere. You could ask me to take you to meet him and I could do that. All that time you knew, and you never asked me to bring her. Why?”

“Because if it was something you were ready for, you would have already done it. And because I love you for you, not the TARDIS, great as she is. And I don’t think you’re running anymore. We were both running but we don’t need to anymore, we’ve got each other.”

“What if I wanted to travel again? Would you come with me?”

Yaz sighed. “I would come with you for short trips, but I don’t think I would come full time. I have too many commitments here on earth. Do you want to travel?”

“No… not right now at least. Maybe someday. But right now, I think I’m here with you.”

“I’m happy with you too. I don’t want you to go… but I know the stars are your home and if you need to go back to them then I’ll understand.”

“My home is with you Yaz. I haven’t had a proper home in a long time. I have one now and it’s wherever you are.”

Yaz smiled and leaned over to kiss the Doctor on the cheek and rested her head on the Doctor’s shoulder affectionately for a moment.

“I love you.”

“You too.”

They had moved past the skeletons and into the next room which contained artefacts of pottery and weaponry.

“I’ve always loved history, it were my favourite subject in school. I wish I knew more about it.”

“You read stuff about it all the time.” The Doctor pointed out.

“I know, but being in places like this, I don’t know anything about this stuff. But I know this is all pretty basic to you, so thank-you for coming with me.”

“I’ll always come with you Yaz. Besides, it’s fascinating to see how modern society interprets the past. Any modern society. Wait till you get to the year 4000 and see what people say about your culture then.”

“What?”

“No spoilers Yaz! You know that!”

“You took us to the future loads of times.”

“Yeah but not the future of earth. I try to keep you away from anything major.”

“Except when we were on that orphan planet.” Yaz pointed out with a shudder.

They had moved past the pottery and weapons and were now standing in one of the regular exhibits, a room full of the history of Sheffield.

“Like, look at this Yaz.” The Doctor said, steering Yaz over towards a diorama of the first settlers in Sheffield. “If you could talk to the people who lived here when Sheffield looked like this, do you think they would want to know what was going to happen in a future they would never get to see? Would they want to know about the wars, the technology, nuclear bombs, the hatred, how humans are destroying the earth?”

“I guess not.” Yaz admitted. “But it’s not like it’s all doom and gloom is it?”

“Of course not. That’s not what I’m saying, humans are amazing, always adapting and evolving. But you come from totally different worlds. Your values, what you want out of life… it’s not the same, just like the world in the year 4000, when they look at you it’ll be so hard for them to imagine how you led such a primitive life.”

“Weird to think about that far in the future or of modern technology being primitive.”

“Technology is always changing Yaz.”

“I know.”

_The museum will close in five minutes. The museum will close in five minutes. Thank-you for visiting._

“I guess that’s our cue.” The Doctor said, disappointed but also surprised that three hours had passed so quickly. “Dinner Miss Khan?”

“Absolutely!”

Yaz and the Doctor slowly exited the museum and headed down towards the high street, it was a short walk but Yaz knew the Doctor would be very glad of the rest. She had taken regular breaks in the museum but as they walked, she was leaning more and more heavily on Yaz’s arm and Yaz steered them into a small Turkish restaurant owned by her friends dad where they were seated quickly.

“How come the Ancient Egyptians were so advanced compared to what was going on in England at the same time?” Yaz asked as they waited for their meals to arrive, still thinking about a room that had been dedicated to comparing different cultures in the same period of time.

“Different reasons. They had an advanced system of law and order, they had writing to share ideas. Simple geography was a big factor. England is a small island cut off from mainland Europe but Egypt bordered on several other countries and had easy access to the Mediterranean. They were able to grow crops even during drought years because they came up with advanced irrigation techniques so their people were better fed and therefore people had more adequate nutrition and worried less about food so had more room to think about other things. Lots of opportunity for trade. Because they were in such a good location, people stayed where they were and cities developed. In England, people worked the land to death and moved on, leaving everything behind. And by the time you got to the Dark Ages, it basically stagnated, arguably went backwards even in that time and kind of stayed like that until the Tudors came to power and broke the power of the church, the church had such a tight rein on everything they all but stopped society progressing.”

“You’re going to be such an incredible teacher.” Yaz told her. “You’re so interesting to listen to.”

“I’m not sure that’s true.” The Doctor admitted nervously.

“We’ve been prepping for weeks Doctor. You have the skills you need.”

“Yeah and your mums coming with me for the next two weeks to hold my hand.”

“It was a condition of the university. You know she won’t step in unless you ask her to or there’s an emergency. Plus, being in Maisie’s classroom will have been good practice. I think primary schools do the hard work of teaching.”

Their food arrived, for the Doctor Turkish seekh kebabs and for Yaz an egg dish and a variety of sides to share. 

"You excited about tomorrow at least?" Yaz asked as she speared a mouthful of potato.

"Sort of... it's been a long time since I was a teacher. I'm worried I'll fail them."

"I don't think you will."

"You never think I'm going to fail at something."

"I live with you and do therapy with you every day. I know where your capabilities are. Besides, what kind of girlfriend would I be if I went round telling you that you're going to be a disaster at something?"

"Realistic?" the Doctor offered.

"Not the word I was looking for. We've been prepping for this for months; you're going to be amazing."

"What if I'm not."

"This term is a trial. If you get in and it's too much for you there's flexibility to reduce your hours and if it's still too much you don't have to stay. Besides this term you're just going to be doing small study sessions. No big lectures. No major planning, just picking up some topics from their exams and doing group work on them, answering questions."

"It's not the teaching I'm worried about Yaz. I can ramble on about anything, you know that." she grinned self-consciously. "It's everything that goes with it. I have to work with Dr Harvey to implement next years curriculum for the masters module we're teaching together, I'm supposed to be mentoring her in how to do that but my planning skills are terrible. What if I can't remember to go to class? What if I can't find the classroom or can't find the bathroom? What if I can't remember what I'm supposed to be teaching? What if I have a seizure in the middle of a lesson?"

"Doctor, one thing at a time. You have a calendar on your desk. It will talk to you to remind you to go to class fifteen minutes before it begins. You also have the schedule on your phone to remind you five minutes before. You will always be teaching from the same classroom and it is in the same corridor as your office and the accessible toilet. You don't need to go anywhere else. When you start lecturing next year, you will always use the same lecture theatre. Your doctoral student will be making you notes on what you need to cover each session and she will put them in a large font on yellow paper to make it easier for you to read, that's part of his responsibilities to his doctorate. If you have a seizure, you have a seizure. There's nothing we can do about that. But they've seriously reduced in number now you're on that medication from the TARDIS." 

"But when they happen, they're worse than ever."

"True, but surely one really bad one every ten days or so is better than having an average of three to four a week."

"Yeah, small price to pay for me being your pin cushion."

"Hey! I've got better at it!"

"Don't know why she insists on only giving it in an injection, a capsule to swallow would be so much less fuss."

Yaz didn't respond to that. Like everything else, the Doctor's ability to swallow was affected by the brain damage and muscle weakness, which was why she so often dribbled, and the TARDIS possibly felt she couldn't cope with oral medication. Yaz wasn't sure she would either. Plus, if Yaz had to stick a needle in her arm every morning, she knew for sure it was done, she absolutely wouldn't trust the Doctor to remember to take a pill every morning anyway. 

"Did you make a decision on your crutches or wheelchair?"

The Doctor had been doing incredibly well with her ability to walk in the last few weeks and now walked regularly outside of therapy. This was partly because of the TARDIS who had made a room dedicated to physiotherapy with gym equipment she could access plus she could swim in the TARDIS pool daily and, Yaz suspected, that she had been holding back, worried that she would be expected to leave when she was ‘well’ again.

“Wheelchair, at least for the first few weeks while I get my bearings. Plus, the stares are only going to be worse if I start walking and then start using my chair.”

“Unfortunately, people are going to stare Doctor but it should only last a few days before they get used to you.”

“I’m not some animal in a zoo they need to get used to.” She grumbled.

Yaz grasped her hand. “I know that. You know what I meant…“Do you want dessert?” Yaz asked as their plates were cleared and seeking a change of subject..

The Doctor shook her head. “Feeling a bit sick actually.”

It was never good when the Doctor started refusing sweets.

“It’s just nerves love. Want to walk it off? We can go back to the car and get your wheelchair if you want to or we can just go home and have a cuddle.”

“Can we go home? But let’s walk the long way back through the park.”

“That sounds nice.”

Yaz offered her a hand to help her to her feet and paused while the Doctor laced her arm through her crutch and found her balance and Yaz let her set their slow pace as they headed out into the balmy evening air.

It was a lovely late Spring evening but it was also a weeknight, the park they were walking through was quiet, just a few dog walkers and a couple of cyclists going home from late shifts and they mostly got the paths to themselves, the few people they did meet were astute enough to move out of the Doctor's way so she wasn't knocked. Her balance was still pretty appalling. 

They walked carefully past the fountains and the maze, stopped for a breather on a bench and then took the final path that would lead them out of the park and back to the museum where the car was still parked.

"Whoa. You alright?" Yaz asked as the Doctor tripped, Yaz just managing to catch her.

"Fine." she replied, a fake smile on her face. 

"I can go back to the car and get your wheelchair for you." Yaz offered.

"No, I'm fine Yaz. Promise." the Doctor said, lying through her teeth. There was no way she was letting Yaz leave her alone in this park. Especially not at night. 

Yaz subtly adjusted her stance to give the Doctor better support and steered them along the most direct route back to the car. The Doctor's walking had improved rapidly in the last few weeks, it was impressive, but it was still exhausting for her and caused her a not insignificant amount of pain and discomfort. Yaz was incredibly proud of her for pushing herself so hard but she also worried she pushed herself too hard.

Finally they reached the car and Yaz helped her lower herself into the car with a small groan and planted a soft kiss to her cheek. 

As she got off the bus with Najia, the Doctor felt like she was going to be sick. Was she actually insane doing this? The night before she had forgotten how to take off her prosthetic, look after the liners and check her skin. A routine she did either with Yaz or alone every time she took it off and had done for years now. And yet here she was at the university, just expecting that some part of her totally useless brain might remember how to teach. It was going to be a disaster, she just knew it. She didn't belong here. 

A hand touched her shoulder, startling her out of her spiralling thoughts.

"Relax. All we're doing is going up to your office. We're early so we probably won't meet anyone just yet and you can get yourself settled. Can you remember where it is?"

She started to panic again when she realised she couldn't. What floor was it on? Was it the sixth or the eighth? There were two lifts but only one of them stopped at the right floor. Which number was her office? Where was the building? Was the office on the right or left side of the hallway?

"Doctor, you're going to be fine. You do know where you're going. Let's start with just getting the right building okay?"

The Doctor shook out her hands, they were sweaty, mini spasms kept shooting up her arms, probably because of her anxiety, and she carefully bumped her chair down the kerb, to head down the path to where the main buildings were located. It was a deceptively steep slope and while going down wasn't normally a problem, her hands were making it precarious and going back again at the end of the day was just going to be hard work. 

At the bottom of the hill she recognised the science department and the door opened automatically. Which lift... the one on the right she was pretty sure. 

True to her word, Najia didn't get involved and just followed the Doctor quietly. She had spoken to Yaz on the phone the night before, and to both of them a few weeks ago, about what she would need to do. In the last few months, the Doctor had overall been considerably more stable though still far from what anyone might consider 'well' or 'healthy' and Najia had had plenty of opportunities to practice the skills she might need in an emergency including dealing with the Doctor's seizures, and, in the last week, how to inject her with her medication before work in case Yaz had had to leave early like she had done that morning. If Najia wasn't there, Ryan would do it when he got to the university. He would be able to give her a lift most mornings too, but she needed to learn how to use the bus too. She was only there because the university had insisted that she have someone with her who was responsible in the case of a seizure until a training session was provided for her colleagues which Yaz would be leading in a few weeks.

The office was exactly how she had left it the day before. Dr. Harvey apparently wasn't in yet either. She would be lying if she said she wasn't very anxious about meeting her. Technically, she wasn't even Doctor yet as she wouldn't be graduating until the summer though she had finished the work. But although the Doctor would never put that on someone else, putting it on Yaz was bad enough, by virtue of the fact that they were sharing an office, she was statistically more likely than anyone else to have to help her out during a seizure. 

"Wow, this is nicer than I was expecting." Najia said, impressed with the spacious, well-lit office.

"Emergency stuff is in there." the Doctor pointed out.

"Is there anything you want me to do or should I just sit in the corner with my stitching and pretend I'm not here."

"I can't reach the coat hooks but other than that, go ahead and sew. I need to log into the computer to start I think."

Najia smiled and hung up the jacket, pulled out a cross stitch she was working on and settled herself on the sofa for the morning. It was actually a gift for Yaz and the Doctor but she knew the Doctor got so involved in simple tasks that it was unlikely she would notice. Besides, she had only just started, and it really didn't look like anything yet.

Meanwhile the Doctor opened up her laptop and checked the note on her phone where she had stored her username and password so she could log in. She had always been good with computers, twenty-first century technology was pretty primitive but she was good at making it do what she wanted. Unfortunately her shoddy fingers made it difficult to type accurately - she could have accuracy or speed but not both. Yaz had been the last person to use it the day before and the Doctor smiled when she realised Yaz had changed the background photograph, a picture of the two of them on the planet Kraju where they had hiked through a tropical rainforest, it was innocuous enough that no one would think twice about the location though she wasn't entirely sure she wanted colleagues and students to see pictures of her before and make comparisons, even if there was a small snapshot above the desk. She decided to leave it for now, it wasn't a priority. Her computer keyboard was a standard one but Yaz had bought her a set of stickers which she had put over each key to make them easier to see, they were bright yellow with bold, black type but her mouse was a speciality one with a large tracker ball she could manipulate with the palm of her hand. The laptop had a regular mouse tracker pad too of course but it was designed to be used with the pads of her fingers but as her fingers didn't straighten easily she couldn't usually manage that.

The Doctor pulled up her schedule, there was a faculty meeting at eight, she still had half an hour. After that her first tutor group was at ten, an undergraduate level class with a short get to know you and then the opportunity to ask specific questions for their own revision. In some ways that was harder because she had no idea what she was going to be asked, it could be pretty much anything. On the other hand, she didn't have to worry about sticking to the lecture topic. 

Just as the Doctor and Najia were preparing to leave the door opened and a woman ran in, dumping bags and a box on the empty table. She stopped and stared for a moment before visibly shaking her head.

"Hi, I'm Polly, you must be Dr Smith?" she asked, offering Najia a hand to shake.

"Actually, I'm Dr Smith" the Doctor interrupted, offering her hand. "Most people just call me Doctor."

"Why?" Polly asked, looking bemused. She was, the Doctor suspected, older than she looked. Short, curvy, long dark hair with a few streaks of grey, thick black framed glasses and a scruffy trouser suit. Considering it was her first teaching position the Doctor was surprised she was so late, she had apparently done very little to prepare for the day let alone bothered to turn up looking neat and tidy. When she had taught at Saint Luke's, her twelfth self had favoured dapper suits, so she had always been fine. But even now, and even though she had had to make accommodations to make things easier to manage from her wheelchair and lack of dexterity, she had made an effort to look professional. Yaz had gone shopping with her and she was in smart trousers which were neatly rolled up and pinned around her stump, a shiny shoe, a soft cotton blouse with fake buttons and a smart jacket. Her head was covered as it always was and the night before she had literally hosed down the frame of her wheelchair and the tyres, determined to make as good an impression as she could. 

"Because I have five doctorates." she answered, it was what the psychic paper had come up with so now she had to go with it.

Polly stared at her, apparently trying to work out if she was joking or not. 

"This is Najia, she's with me." 

Polly could make of that what she would. 

"Be prepared for that to happen a lot." the Doctor muttered as they left her office to head to the classroom she would be using but was also where the staff briefings tended to take place. "People take one look at me and assume I'm stupid. Even here it's going to happen. And they’re going to talk to you like I’m not here or can't understand basic English."

Najia knew that. She had been out with the Doctor plenty and had seen their reaction, usually it was directed at Yaz but Sonya had also told her all about the trip into town to buy Yaz’s birthday gift and some of the people they had encountered then.

As the Doctor had planned, they were a few minutes early to the staff meeting. It was an old room with old style wooden benches that she could transfer into if needed but if she did that she would only be blocking other staff from fitting in. Her options were the very back or the very front. She elected for the back, she had no idea what the procedure or hierarchy was, and Najia stood with her back to the wall. So far, she was doing a good job of being unobtrusive. As they waited, the Doctor could feel her stomach tying up in knots but thankfully she wasn't waiting for too long before the rest of the faculty appeared in twos and threes. They seemed like a close knit team as they chatted to each other, catching up on their holidays. Some of them afforded a glance in her direction but most of them ignored her, some didn't even seem to notice. They were mostly men the Doctor noted which wasn't surprising but also wasn't something she was happy about. At least her office mate was female even if she did seem to have already taken a dislike to her. Oh well. As long as they weren't out and out fighting she could deal with it.

A few minutes later, the Doctor recognised Professor Curtan, the head of department, who looked every bit the stereotypical scientist with his round shoulders and thick glasses as he bumbled his way to the front. Everyone stopped talking at him, looking at him respectfully.

"Good morning everyone, welcome back. I hope everyone had a simply splendid holiday.... as you know we have two new members of staff with us this semester. Dr Polly Harvey whom you all know who has just finished her doctoral programme and Dr Jane Smith who has taken a bit of a career break over the last few years but is an experienced lecturer..."

Everyone in the room turned round and stared and the Doctor fought to concentrate on the rest of his speech. She could see some of them clearly trying to decide if it was her or Najia was their new colleague. Her brain felt fuzzy with the pressure, fortunately, Najia was making notes for her. She flushed miserably, she was failing already. 

The meeting went on for nearly forty minutes. That was good, it gave her just over an hour before she had to leave for her first class and she fled the overcrowded classroom and went back to the relative safety of her office where she gripped the edge of the table tightly, trying to calm down. 

"Are you alright sweetheart?" Najia asked, she had followed the Doctor into the room and carefully shut the door behind them. 

"I'm fine, just need a minute."

Najia watched her carefully, she was doing okay, she seemed to be calming herself down anyway. She knew Yaz and the Doctor had been working on techniques to help her self-calm when she became too overwhelmed. Just as the Doctor was feeling steady, Polly barrelled back in and threw herself down at her desk, unpacking her belongings haphazardly.

"Sorry, didn't know I would be moving offices." she announced loudly. "Think you're my mentor, aren't you? How long have you been teaching?"

"A long time."

“Do you really have five doctorates?”

“Yes, astrophysics, physics, maths, engineering and history as well as a masters in chemistry.”

“Geez, you some kind of genius or something.”

“Something like that.” The Doctor agreed.

“You know everyone’s gonna be hanging out in here with that sofa? It looks awesome! How come we got it?” Polly enthused.

“Actually, I prefer a quiet working environment if possible. And the sofa is for me. Sometimes I need to rest.”

Polly set up her laptop and started scrolling through her emails.

"Have you seen this seizure training thing we all have to go to? What's all that about? Like we don't have better things to be doing?" she laughed.

"That's for me too." the Doctor replied coldly. "I have a seizure disorder."

She resolutely turned her back on Polly, trying to reign in her disappointment. If she had been expecting the chance to make a new friend, it apparently wasn't going to be so.

The Doctor pulled out a file, the one that had the course content for the second year undergraduates, just to recap what they had been learning. It was all straight forward and nothing she couldn't handle. She recognised the names of the scientists and academics they had researched and there was nothing in the course that was a surprise to her. Of course there wasn't, she had read the files multiple times, and by multiple she meant about thirty, Graham, Yaz and Hakim had quizzed her on it. The university had provided everything printed for her in a large font and on yellow paper, she wasn't sure why, but it helped. She knew what she had to do. Now she just had to do it.

The hour passed quickly and before she knew it, her calendar was speaking to her and reminding her that it was time to leave for the lesson. She balanced the folder, a pencil case containing both stationery and a couple of hand straps and a notebook on her lap and let herself out of the office. Part of her safety plan was that if she was in the office alone she had to keep the door propped open, there was a chicken doorstop which was apparently (and rather morbidly) called Ronald McDonald, for that purpose, but if there was someone else there she was fine to close it. 

She was first to arrive in the classroom, that was good, that's what she had wanted and she made her way to the front, trying to keep calm. Najia made herself at home, unobtrusively sitting at the back with her stitching and the Doctor spread the material out across the desk. It was quiet for a few moments and then the first four students arrived together, three boys and a girl. They stopped briefly in the doorway, apparently surprised but came in, taking seats across the back row, nervously taking items out of bags. She noted that the majority of them seemed to be working on tablets rather than on paper which was a change from when she had last taught and within ten minutes the room was full with forty students. 

"Morning Everyone, welcome back. My name is Doctor Jane Smith, most people just call me the Doctor. Before we get started today, I just want to run over a couple of housekeeping details. "I am new to the university but not new to teaching. I have five PHD's so I urge you not to look at me and assume that I'm stupid just because of the way I look and speak. Incidentally, sometimes my speech can be difficult to understand. I will write any new terminology on the board, please let me know if you're not catching everything I'm saying. Any work you submit to me must be emailed and must be in size 18 font. I don’t accept excuses, any late assignments will be promptly filed in my bin. If you’re going to be late or miss a class I expect an email to inform me, if I can make it here on time then so can you. On a more serious note, I have a seizure disorder. Hopefully that's not something you're going to have to witness, but chances are you probably will. I have included a copy of seizure first aid in the packs on your table. I would appreciate it if you could take the time to read through it..."

The Doctor slowly and carefully talked through the notes she and Yaz had typed up.

"... I can and do walk. If I'm not in my wheelchair someone will need to go and collect it from my office. My key card will always be on the desk while I'm teaching. I would appreciate it if a couple of you could volunteer to be responsible for making sure I'm on my side and that my head is protected if I should have a seizure. My partner would appreciate it I didn’t die at work. If so, you will be invited to a training session next Tuesday. It's not as bad as it sounds, promise."

She looked up anxiously feeling thoroughly sick. What if none of them agreed to be responsible? She wasn’t asking for much, but she knew most people found seizures terrifying and didn’t want to be anywhere near them. But three girls and one boy raised their hands, all of whom were sitting in the third row, the closest anyone had gotten to her, and she breathed a sigh of relief. She quickly jotted their names down.

"One more thing, I'm not contagious and I'm not sick. You can't catch anything from me and I certainly don’t smell. I would appreciate it if you could fill the seats from the front row from our next session. Now, down to business..."

She had two classes back to back and when the final student had left, she slumped forward alarmingly against her desk.

"Are you alright?" asked Najia hurrying forwards, placing a gentle hand on the Doctor's elbow.

"Yeah, that was a lot more tiring than I expected is all."

"Do you have more to do or can you leave now?"

"I do have stuff, but I'd rather work from home. I think I need to rest, and I don't fancy doing that with Polly watching me just yet, even if that is what the sofa is for."

Najia pursed her lips, keeping her thoughts to herself. 

The Doctor slowly gathered her things, balancing them carefully on her lap before heading back to her office. Mercifully, Polly was nowhere in sight and the Doctor carefully stored her laptop and notebook in the laptop bag and put it across her body which she balanced on her lap, reluctant to have her laptop out of her sight on the back of her chair. Najia offered to help but as the Doctor pointed out, she was only there for emergency purposes and she needed to learn to manage on her own. 

By the time she got home, the Doctor felt like she could barely keep her eyes open. Najia both offered to stay and offered to cancel Sonya's tutoring session that afternoon but she had her own life to lead and Sonya had her first exam in two weeks. It was nothing official, she was light years away from being able to sit the first part of her GCSE's, it was an exam aimed at children finishing Year 4, 8 years old, and the Doctor knew she would struggle with it. Her basic arithmetic skills were improving but her reasoning and problem solving was abominable while sometimes the Doctor wondered if she was accidentally speaking Gallifreyan again. 

"I'm okay Najia, I'm going to lie down for a while. I'll be fine." 

"Well, if you're sure." Najia agreed reluctantly. "Do me a favour though, keep your bracelet on and text Yaz and tell her you're home."

The Doctor smiled, Najia worried about her nearly as much as Yaz did these days. 

The Doctor saw her out and carefully locked the door behind her. She left her work stuff on the kitchen table and took herself down to their bedroom where she changed into comfortable joggers and her favourite rainbow t-shirt. She was exhausted but even she could see how far she'd come, a few months ago when she got too tired she would end up totally unable to do anything for herself, slouched in a heap in her wheelchair and dependent on Yaz whereas now she was able to battle through without worrying that she was going to end up in a heap on the floor mid-transfer. Or at least no more than usual, it was always a concern in the back of her mind. 

Almost as soon as she was in bed, Lilah appeared from nowhere and gave an elegant leap onto the Doctor's wheelchair and then onto the bed, settling in at the Doctor's stomach.

"Don't let Yaz catch you." the Doctor yawned sleepily, scratching Lilah's furry ears affectionately before she was tugged under by sleep.

"Uhh Doctor, are you okay?"

The Doctor blinked blearily, squinting against the bright afternoon light that flooded the bedroom, the person in front of her slowly swam into focus.

"Sonya! God I'm so sorry. I really didn't mean to sleep that long."

Sonya smirked. "I bet mum £5 that you'd still be asleep when I got here so thanks."

"Glad to be of service" the Doctor groaned, sitting up. "Pass me my leg?"

Sonya grabbed it from where it was leaning against the wall like it always did and in a rare moment of consideration, also propped the Doctor's crutches against the bed for her. 

"I'll go and make the tea."

The Doctor nodded distractedly as she rolled up her trouser leg to put on her prosthetic and a few minutes later she had found her balance on her crutches and was heading slowly down the hall. She was stiff and needed to move properly. Even now she didn’t normally walk when Yaz wasn't home but if she fell and couldn't get up, Sonya would be able to help her into her wheelchair at a minimum. 

There was a welcome cup of tea waiting for her on the bench and she stood, leaning against the bench for balance to drink it, trying to clear the last of the sleep fuzz from her mind while Sonya got out her books. 

Their session went about as well as it always did, Sonya did try but her difficulties were very clear to see and she really struggled with the most basic of skills, each one taking her several sessions to master and then she needed a lot of repetition. The Doctor had started structuring her homework very carefully with a small amount supposed to be done each day recapping whatever skill they had been working on that week as well as some from further back. It was a very slow process, but she was at least making some progress. Their session lasted for just over an hour before Sonya had to leave for work. She had been gone for less than ten minutes, just giving the Doctor enough time to feed Lilah and get her laptop out to do some work before Yaz appeared, eager to hear how the Doctor’s day had gone.

The Doctor recounted her day leaving little out, from how her classes had gone, the staff meeting, Polly's attitude towards her.

Yaz watched her talk with pride, she was so enthusiastic, so knowledgeable, she was back doing something that she was really good at and it was so refreshing to see. In the aftermath of her brain infection Yaz had thought the Doctor would never be at the point where she could lead some kind of independent life and yet here she was, almost exactly eighteen months to the day since the infection had set in, happy, stable and incredible.

They were both tired but they also both had work to do and set up for an hours work at the kitchen table and agreed that when they were done they would order a take away and, because they had gone out for dinner the previous evening, they would burn it off with a swim in the TARDIS pool before bed.

As she settled in bed that night, the Doctor realised she felt fully satisfied, more so than she had done in a long time and she contentedly wrapped her arms around Yaz's waist, smiling as Yaz's hand gently drifted down to hold hers. She realised that overall, she was actually looking forward to going back to work the next day. 

The next few days felt like a bit of a whirlwind. Her students didn’t seem shy as such but they were definitely wary of her, they spoke to her like she was going to break down or be horrifically offended by their words and she was crushed when not a single student showed up for her first office hours. Especially when Polly was slammed the next day which she silently gloated about, and the Doctor steadfastly ignored.

Her colleagues were a mixed bag, some didn’t give a damn about who she was, others were slightly in awe of her as the TARDIS had sorted out some of the publications from her time at St Luke’s to put her name on them. Others didn’t know what to make of her and some, including Polly, were downright rude.

It was the end of her second week and Yaz was with her instead of Najia this time, she was going to accompany the Doctor to her classes the way Najia had done and then in the afternoon she was going to deliver a training session to the Doctor’s twelve colleagues and the fourteen student volunteers from her classes about seizures. The Doctor was hoping that things with her nervous colleagues and students would ease slightly. After that she would be on her own, the university had only demanded she have a carer present until everyone had been trained.

During a seizure that had taken place about a month ago, Ryan who had just happened to be there had managed to film the whole thing. It had been weird to watch herself, she and Yaz had just been chatting normally about nothing important when suddenly her speech had gone, she was confused and before anyone could really register it, her eyes had slipped back in her head. They were going to show the edited version in the hopes that it would be less intimidating when people saw it for real. And hopefully Yaz’s completely calm attitude would reassure everyone that it really wasn’t that big a deal.

Polly wasn’t about that morning and Yaz, like Najia had done, sat unobtrusively on the sofa getting on with her own work. They went for lunch together in one of the campus cafés before their session. They had been granted use of one of the classrooms which had separate chairs rather than the long benches that graced the Doctor’s usual room and they had brought a few props with them including the oxygen tank, a pack on everything they were going to discuss for each person and emergency contact info and some pictures of where her emergency supplies were kept and what there was. They were going to have a lot of information thrown at them.

The Doctor was feeling pretty anxious about the whole thing. To have Yaz standing at the front talking about her most private, intimate and frankly embarrassing problems to all of her new colleagues and then actually showing a video… it was humiliating. But also necessary. They didn’t have to show the video of course but if they showed it people were less likely to panic when they saw it for real because realistically it was _when_ they saw a seizure, not _if_ they saw a seizure.

“You ready?” Yaz whispered.

“As I’ll ever be, go for it.”

They had written the initial presentation together so the Doctor knew exactly what Yaz was going to say. She started off addressing what seizures actually were, the signs that the Doctor was about to have one and then they played the video.

Most people looked shocked. The whole seizure had about nine minutes, which since she had been on medication was one of her shorter ones, though they had edited out some of the middle and just showed the end where the seizure stopped and Yaz fussed over her for a moment.

Yaz kept going, explaining at what point they should put her on oxygen, if in doubt to use it anyway because it wasn’t going to do any harm, the best way to stabilise her on her side and the importance of protecting her head. She kept it very calm and professional.

Her final bit before opening the floor to questions was to demonstrate a couple of transfers to show people how they could get her from the floor to her wheelchair and from wheelchair to the sofa in her office if that’s what she needed, demonstrating with the Doctor and getting them to practice on each other.

That prompted some hilarity as colleagues tried to lift each other and the Doctor and Yaz went around, correcting peoples techniques so nobody was likely to strain their backs and then they put people into groups of three to practice a two person lift in case she was entirely unconscious afterwards which thankfully happened less nowadays, she could usually be relied on to get herself somewhere safe to rest when it was over even if she wasn’t particularly lucid or coherent.

“Any questions?” Yaz asked.

One of the students in the front row piped up. “Aren’t you supposed to stick your fingers in her mouth to stop her swallowing her tongue?”

“Don’t refer to me as her or she when I'm sitting right here. I have a name and you know what it is. And no you shouldn’t. It’s impossible to swallow your tongue while having a seizure. Every muscle in my body will be rigid and spasming. If you force something into my mouth you’ll break my teeth or my jaw. And if it’s your fingers chances are I’ll literally bite it off. So no. Do not, ever, stick something in mine or anyone else’s mouth while they’re having a seizure.”

“Should we restrain you or something to make it stop?”

“You can't make it stop. It’s going to run its course, there’s nothing you or anyone else can do except keep me on my side and protect my head.”

“Should we turn out the lights?” asked Polly.

The Doctor looked at her confused.

“Why would you do that?”

“Doesn’t light trigger epilepsy?”

“About 3% of people with seizures are triggered by flashing light, not solid light and I’m not one of them. If I’m resting in my office after a seizure I would appreciate the desk lamp rather than the overhead lights but it’s not a big issue.”

There were a few more questions but thankfully they were less stupid and Yaz and the Doctor fielded them together.

Overall, it went as well as it probably could have but it was still embarrassing to have needed it and the Doctor was glad when it was all over and she and Yaz could just go home and spend the weekend together.

By the time the Doctor had been working at the university for two months, she and Yaz had drifted comfortably into the sort of mundane routine that most couples took for granted. She went to work Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. She volunteered at Maisie’s school on Fridays. Yaz’s schedule was shift based so less regular but they ate dinner together most nights, hung out together and with friends and family at weekends. They were still interrupted by her disability but a lot of the time now, they were able to just put it on the back burner and concentrate on being a couple. For the Doctor, it felt a bit like she had everything she had never known she wanted. Because she did want this, she did want to be with Yaz and she did want a quiet life where they could just be together.

This particular Friday night the Doctor had finished her working week and Yaz was hoping to get home on time for a change so they could go out. She had the TV on quietly in the background while she read through some notes for her next weeks classes when a report caught her eye.

_“… reports of an explosion in Sheffield warehouse district. The cause is currently unknown but surely the question on everybody’s lips is, is this an act of terrorism?... This just coming in, we have unconfirmed reports of serious injuries and a death amongst the emergency services attending the scene. Once again, we are live, reporting at the warehouse district just outside of Sheffield…”_

The Doctor didn’t hear any more. She couldn’t. What if Yaz was hurt? What if Yaz was dead? Her brain was screaming and a cry forced itself out of her throat. She grabbed hold of a cushion from the sofa, squeezing it tightly in an attempt to ground herself.

_YazYazYazYazYazYazYazYazYazYazYazYazYazYazYazYazYazYaz_

Yaz was filling out some paperwork, actually on track to be out of work on time for a change when Jennifer rushed in, a phone still clamped to her ear.

“Grab your emergency gear. Got an explosion at the warehouse district, casualties unknown, all hands on deck lets move.” She shouted.

There was the briefest of pauses before everyone snapped into action, grabbing protective equipment and running out to their cars, Vera and Arthur in Vera’s car and Yaz and Jennifer in Yaz’s car. Yaz hesitated only for long enough to put her seatbelt on and turn on the lights and sirens before she was speeding out of the carpark following Vera. It must be serious if their little unit was being called in, they were almost separate from the main police force due to their specialisation.

Yaz concentrated on racing through Sheffield’s main streets at top speed before turning off to the out of town warehouse area. She was aware of Jennifer receiving and giving orders and information by phone and radio simultaneously. But then there was a colossal noise, a bright light and the world around her went dark. 

When she woke up Yaz had no idea how much, if any, time had passed. There was a tremendous ringing in her ears. What was making the noise? And was she upside down? Why was she upside down?

Accident?

Car accident. She and Jennifer had been in a car accident.

Jennifer.

Where was she?

Groaning in pain, Yaz managed to look round.

Jennifer was hanging upside down like she was, but her entire side of the car was crushed. There was blood trickling from her ear and her eyes were closed, her face covered with blood and dirt and her torn clothes.

Her iron grey hair was still in an impeccable bun the way she always wore it for work.

The incongruity of it made Yaz want to giggle.

What was that smell?

Smoke?

Fire?

The car was on fire!

They had to get out now!

“Jennifer?... Jennifer! You have to wake up? JENNIFER?” Yaz shouted, shaking the other woman’s arm. Not even a flicker of response.

Yaz’s ears were ringing and it felt like her head was full of fog.

Yaz undid her own seatbelt and landed painfully on her head, sending a spasm of agony rippling through her body. Before she could even really register what was happening, she was out of the car and Jennifer was lying in the grass. Who had done that? There was no one else there.

The front of the car was on fire but not the whole thing.

Jennifer looked in a bad way and dimly Yaz remembered the Doctor’s oxygen tank in her boot and the large first aid kit, both of which she always carried. It didn’t even occur to her that going anywhere near a car that was on fire was a stupid idea because as soon as the flames got to the fuel lines the whole thing would go up in a ball of flames.

Yaz staggered painfully to the car. There they were, the orange emergency box exactly where it always was.

No sooner had she made it back to the grassy verge where Jennifer was sprawled than a second explosion rocked the night. This time it was the car, Yaz could actually feel the heat from the flames on her back but she didn’t even register how incredibly close to death she had just been. Had she taken a few seconds later at the car…

Yaz fell to her knees, rummaging frantically in her pocket for her phone… nothing. And Jennifer… Jennifer had been talking on hers when they crashed… or had there been an explosion? Where had they been going? She wasn’t sure. Someone would find them eventually, right?

Yaz put her fingers to Jennifer’s neck. She had a pulse, but it was weak and thready. That wasn’t good. Her chest was rising and falling but it was so slight she could barely see it.

There was an oxygen tank… where had that come from? She snapped it onto Jennifer’s face, relieved that she knew how to do it. It looked just like the Doctor’s.

Jennifer’s arm was at a funny angle, a large bulge at her shoulder and her fingertips on one side were going blue. That wasn’t good. She giggled again. She knew how to put her shoulder back in place. She should probably do that.

She vaguely registered that she was covered in blood. That was weird. She wasn’t bleeding.

Oh God! Jennifer! She was bleeding! What on earth had happened? There was so much blood. Where was it all coming from?

Someone should do something about that.

She was tired though. Maybe someone else should do it.

Jennifer was bleeding! She had to stop it!

The first aid kit was still there and she rummaged through it frantically, pulling out gauze dressings and pressing them to Jennifer’s stomach, leaning hard.

Jennifer was making funny noises. There was bone poking out of her leg. That probably wasn’t a good thing. Bones were supposed to be inside.

The Doctor’s bones had poked out of her leg once too. Now she only had one leg.

There was a distant wail that was getting closer.

What on earth was it?

_Shut up! My head hurts._

Someone was wrapping an arm around her. Who?

“Doctor?”

“No love, my name’s Sasha, I’m a paramedic.”

“Oh that’s a shame… I’m looking for a Doctor.”

She giggled manically when she realised that that was one of the first things the Doctor had ever said to her.

Then her eyes rolled back in her head and the world tilted sideways.

She was in bed. Why was she in bed. Yaz slowly sat up with a groan.

“Whoa, easy there love, you’re alright.” Came an unfamiliar voice that sounded muffled like it was coming from underwater.

“Doctor!”

“I’m a nurse love. You’re in the hospital, been in a nasty accident caused by those explosions in the warehouses.”

“I need the Doctor!” she gasped, pulling at the mask that was attached to her face.

“The Doctor has already been in on her rounds and will be back round. In the meantime I’m quite capable of taking care of you. You’ve got a nasty concussion and damage to your ear from the noise but other than that it’s just bruising. You’re going to be fine.”

“Jennifer, my friend. Is she okay?”

“She’s in surgery, that’s all I can say, you’re not family.”

“I need to leave.” Yaz attempted to swing her legs over the side of the bed but before she could the nurse had caught hold of her and forced her back down.

“You need to stay in bed! You don’t know if you’re coming or going love.”

“I’m fine. I need to get home. I need someone to take me home. My car blew up.”

She was giggling. Why was she giggling? That really wasn’t funny.

“You’re not going anywhere love, you’re staying right here for a rest and so we can monitor you a bit more.”

“Please, you have to phone my partner. I lost my phone but she’ll be so worried. I should have been home hours ago.”

“Don’t you worry dear, someone will make sure it’s done.” The nurse placated.

She patted Yaz on the head, checked the oxygen mask on her face and the IV in her arm before bustling out of the cubicle.

Suddenly Yaz felt so tired she felt herself losing the battle to stay conscious and she gave into the pull, allowing herself to sleep.

The Doctor reached for her phone, trying to remain calm, but for some reason it was showing no bars. She growled in frustration and threw it to the other end of the sofa before pulling her wheelchair close enough to transfer and going to find the landline in the kitchen. Nothing. 

And then the lights went off. 

It wasn't dark or anything, it was still only early evening in the summer but it still made her jump. 

That wasn't good. 

All sorts of terrifying possibilities started flitting through her head.

Yaz could be hurt. 

Yaz could be very badly hurt.

She could even be dead. 

The Doctor gripped her thighs tightly, her body felt numb and tingly and her head was spinning. 

She forced herself to breathe but it was hard. Her chest felt tight and crackly. There was an oxygen cannister beside her bed. She vaguely registered that she needed it and she should go and get it because Yaz wasn't there to help.

_YazIsn'tHereYazIsn'tHereYazIsn'tHereYazIsn'tHereYazIsn'tHereYazIsn'tHereYazIsn'tHereYazIsn'tHereYazIsn'tHere_

The front door opened. She tried to make herself go and answer, but it was like her body was made of lead. Or jelly. Because she could feel herself tipping sideways but she couldn't stop it.

The room was darkening. 

Was someone there? She wasn't sure.

It was like her head was under water, she couldn’t hear.

Suddenly there were rough hands grabbing her. She tried to scream but she didn't have enough breath.

Then her mask was being clamped over her face and she sucked at it greedily. 

The hands were large, clumsy paws, obscuring her vision so she couldn’t see, they were nothing like Yaz’s slim, delicate, precise hands that always knew precisely what to do and how to help.

Probably not a burglar if they were helping her breathe though so that was good.

“Doc, you with me?”

Doc… only Graham ever called her that. Only he would get away with it though she wasn’t entirely sure why he did.

“Gr’m?” she gasped.

“Right here cockle. Keep breathing, you’re doing great.”

Was she? She really didn’t feel great. She felt more like her chest was going to explode with the sheer effort of forcing herself to keep breathing. But it was working. Her head felt a little less foggy and her vision was clearer.

She impatiently shoved herself upright… when had she fallen? And pushed the mask away from her face.

“You want the nose one?” Graham offered.

She shook her head. “Have you heard anything?” she asked desperately, still feeling breathless and wheezy.

“I just saw the news Doc and came straight here. Knew you’d be worrying. Was lucky to get here, they’re shutting the city down. They’re worried about an act of terrorism. It’s why the phone signal has been cut. Don’t know about the power though.”

“Depends where the explosion was, could have hit a central power source or something.”

“Look, this is nothing to do with Yaz’s area of expertise. Chances are she’s directing traffic or something. She’ll probably be late though, how about we go and make her something to eat for when she comes in.”

“I have to go find her Graham!”

“Doctor, Yaz won’t thank you for that. She’s working. And she’d do her nut if you left the house tonight. Not to mention how she’ll feel if she gets home and you’re not here. You can't do anything, it’s awful I know but you just gave to wait for her. I’ll stay with you.”

“I’m thousands of years old Graham, I do _not_ need a babysitter.” She bristled.

“Yeah? So you weren’t on the verge of collapse when I arrived half an hour ago?”

The Doctor chose not to answer that one and instead shoved her wheelchair in the direction of the fridge to find some ingredients.

She forced her mind to concentrate on the tasks she was being given. Her concentration and ability to multitask and follow instructions had improved but no one could describe them as good.

But Yaz didn’t come home for dinner and as the evening wore on the Doctor was becoming more and more anxious. She couldn’t get in touch with anyone. No one would get in touch with her if Yaz was hurt, they would go to her parents. But her parents couldn’t phone or email or drive over with the city shut down…

“Doctor. You’re spiralling again. Stay calm because I don’t cope like Yaz does if you start having seizures on me.”

She hadn’t realised she’d been talking out loud.

“I’m not going to have a seizure.” She said, more harshly than she meant to. “Sorry” she added.

“I know you’re stressed Doc but you have to keep going. Yaz could be home in five minutes or five hours, or maybe not until tomorrow but this is her job, it’s what she signed up to do in full knowledge of what it entails. You have to support her in that they way she supports you.”

“I don’t do a job where I could get myself killed!”

“Doc, she’s nursed you back from the brink of death twice now. She’s said her goodbyes to you both times. She lives in constant fear that every single seizure you have could be the one that finally stops you breathing, and she won’t be able to help you start again. With you at work, that fear for her only doubles because she’s not there to help. But she still supports you because she loves you and she knows it’s what you want. You have to do the same for her.”

“She doesn’t need to worry about me.”

“And she would say the same about herself. Come on cockle, play a game of chess with me and distract yourself for a while.”

“I don’t want t…”

“And what are you going to do instead? Worry yourself into a frenzy? Living room, let’s go. You might not provoke yourself into a seizure, but you’ll provoke me into a bloody stomach ulcer at this point.”

“Please, you have to tell me how my boss is doing. Jennifer Parker. Please!” Yaz shouted at the nurse as soon as she woke up.

“Sergeant Khan, I’ve told you at least ten times tonight that we can't give out information to non-family members. And there’s no need to shout. It’s you who’s gone a bit deaf in an explosion, not me.”

“If she was fine you’d tell me so.”

“No I wouldn’t actually. Get back into bed Sergeant. You want to get home so bad, you need to calm down to bring your blood pressure down before a doctor does their rounds.”

“I’m fine!”

“You’re concussed. Now lie down or I’m going to be looking to have you sedated.”

Yaz glared at the nurse angrily who, to Yaz’s supreme annoyance, seemed entirely unaffected by it and kept writing whatever it was she was writing on the chart on her tablet.

“What time is it?” she asked suddenly, sitting back up again.

“A little after 1am.”

“WHAT! I have to go! My partner will be so worried! I was supposed to be home for dinner. You have to let me out of here. Did someone call her?”

“The police cut off the phone lines but I’m sure one of your colleagues will have been out to inform her. Now get into bed.”

Yaz was suddenly struck by a wave of nausea and she sank back into the pillows with a stifled groan.

Graham managed to keep the Doctor focused enough for one game of chess which was no mean feat. She was in a complete frenzy of perpetual motion, hands flapping, circling the house both in her chair and on her crutches, rocking back and fourth… until the seizure hit.

It took Graham a few moments longer than it should have to realise what was happening, she had been in such an agitated state all evening but she fell to the floor like a plank of wood and he grabbed one of the pillows off the sofa for her head, his knees screaming at him as he dropped down beside her.

“Come on Doc, what did I tell you. I’m too old for this malarkey” he told her as he did his best to keep her on her side.

It was so violent. Had they always been this violent?

Mercifully, it didn’t last long, only a few minutes and, to his surprise, she regained consciousness afterwards. Yaz had said that she tended to now when the seizures were shorter but he hadn’t seen it yet.

“What do you need Doc?” he asked.

Awake she might be, but she didn’t look particularly lucid.

“Chair” she mumbled thickly, drooling as she spoke.

Graham groaned slightly as he used the sofa to drag himself back into a standing position and brought her chair over for her. He handed her a tissue first and she clumsily wiped her mouth.

“Can you get up? I don’t think I can lift you.”

She nodded determinedly, already adjusting her wheelchair into the right position before beginning the arduous task of getting herself off the floor, no mean feat.

“Can you put the kettle on? I’m going to change.” She muttered, her voice a little more slurred than normal, as she headed down to their bedroom.

She didn’t actually want tea. Secretly it was because she didn’t want Graham to deal with the puddle on the floor. He was likely to content himself in the kitchen until she got back. It was too humiliating if he were to mop up her urine. He knew it happened, didn’t make it any less embarrassing and hopefully he would have temporarily forgotten about it.

Getting changed after a seizure was always hard. Her brain felt more sluggish than usual, her body like she was trying to swim the channel having already run up and down Everest but she got there in the end and discreetly sorted out her mess in the living room.

“Why don’t you go to bed Doc? I promise I’ll wake you if there’s any news or Yaz will if she gets home?” Graham suggested, appearing from nowhere.

“No. I'm not going anywhere until Yaz is home.”

“You can barely hold your head up cockle. You need sleep.” Graham’s tone was firm but not unkind.

“I need to wait for Yaz.” She argued stubbornly.

“We will hear from Yaz at exactly the same time whether or not you’re asleep. At least lie down on the sofa Doctor, please. Yaz’ll kill me if she comes home and you’re sick because I let you choose not to look after yourself and quite frankly, she’s scary.”

“She’s half your size.” The Doctor mumbled sleepily.

“Maybe. Still scary though. Especially when it comes to looking after your health.”

The Doctor smiled wanly. She didn’t resist when Graham put a hand out to steady her as she moved across to the sofa.

She didn’t even notice when her feet were swung up onto the sofa and a blanket was carefully tucked around her.

“Alright Sargent Khan, you can go but you’re not to be on your own for the next couple of days. If your headache worsens, you’re sick, dizzy, you pass out, you experience seizures or if you experience any behavioural changes.” Dr Sutton explained.

Yaz felt like she saw entirely too much of the woman.

As soon as she was given the discharge paperwork and a load of information about the damage to her ear and the concussion she was free to go , Yaz lurched out of the cubicle to try and find out about how Jennifer was doing. She couldn’t really remember what had happened, she vaguely remembered being on the grass with her but although she knew Jennifer had sustained massive injuries, she had no idea what they were.

Yaz pleaded with the front desk, even flashed her badge, but no one would budge or give her information and eventually a rookie appeared from nowhere to drive her home.

She gave in, she needed to be home with the Doctor. 

It was shortly after four in the morning when the front door opened. The Doctor got off the sofa as fast as she could manage, wheeling out into the hall. 

"Yaz! Thank God! Where have you been?" she cried, rushing forwards. 

Yaz was covered in blood and dirt, she looked bruised, battered and like she'd been in a fight but she was in one piece and she lurched forward, landing in the Doctor's waiting arms, pushing her wheelchair backwards a little. 

The Doctor pulled her down so she was sitting in her lap, pulling her in close. Yaz hadn't said anything but the Doctor could feel a wet patch growing on her neck and Yaz was shaking badly. She tried to listen in on what the young officer who had brought her home was saying; concussion, damage to one ear drum, both of which should clear in a few days and some pretty severe bruising. He was handing a few things over to Graham who thankfully seemed to be taking more in as the Doctor tried to provide Yaz with some comfort. The officer didn't stay long and a few minutes later Graham had taken the handles of her wheelchair and was pushing both of them down to the bedroom and then disappeared quietly.

As soon as they were alone Yaz attacked the Doctor in a deep, urgent kiss.

"I'm okay." she murmured. "Just a bit battered, I'm fine. I'm sorry I know you would have been worried. I asked them to call you."

"I'm just glad you're safe... what happened?"

"We were caught in a secondary explosion. It wasn't terrorist related. Gas main or something..."

"Who's we?"

"Jennifer and I. We were driving to the scene. We got in an accident, she's really hurt Doctor. I don't know how exactly but there was so much blood... Our car is gone. Fireball. Work'll sort it I think. Or maybe I need to contact the insurance company. I don't know…"

"The car doesn't matter Yaz. You matter." the Doctor told her firmly, interrupting her rambling. "How's Jennifer?"

"I don't know. They won't tell me anything because I'm not family. It's bad though."

"She'll be oka..."

"Marry me."

"Wait... what?" the Doctor asked, stunned, wondering if she had misheard. 

"Marry me. If I had been hurt last night instead of Jennifer, you would have no rights. No one would even be able to call you. You wouldn't be able to visit me. If I wasn't in a position to make my own medical decisions, you wouldn't be consulted or have your views heard. If I was dying you wouldn’t be able to hold my hand."

"Yaz, you've been through something really traumatic tonight. You're upset. You're concussed. You don't…"

"Don't tell me I don't know what I'm saying. I know exactly what I'm saying. And frankly, I’ve been thinking about this for a while. You don't have to answer me right now. I don't have a ring or a big romantic gesture but I want you to marry me." 


	94. Chapter 94

Yaz ended up being signed off work for a full month after an assessment by a doctor and a psychologist and the first few days after the explosion had a weird role reversal where Yaz was needing nearly as much help as the Doctor did. Especially because the injury to her ear had knocked her balance so far out of whack she couldn’t walk safely around her own house. The concussion made her feel like she was functioning at half speed while the bruising meant that just existing hurt. Moving, breathing, doing things for herself, everything felt too much. She’d had a very small snapshot of what the Doctor went through every day. She didn’t like it one bit.

Their family had stepped in, the Doctor did what she could but her own health was such that she couldn’t help Yaz with everything she needed help with. A fact that frustrated and angered her no end. After everything Yaz had done for her and she couldn’t return the favour.

Thankfully, now that they were two weeks post injury, Yaz was doing a lot better. The effects of her concussion had cleared, the horrendous tinnitus she had been experiencing had begun to dissipate and she was strong enough again to look after herself. As long as the Doctor’s own health remained stable, the two of them could look after themselves.

Ryan had dealt with the insurance stuff for them and there was a new car parked outside in their driveway although Yaz had only just been given the go ahead to drive it, which meant their first trip in it was… to the hospital. To see Jennifer.

Yaz had spoken to Jennifer’s only family other than Lucy, her sister Emma, on the phone and although Jennifer was still heavily sedated in the Intensive Care Unit, she was clear to receive visitors. Her injuries, too many to list, were horrific, she had taken the full brunt of the crash which Yaz now knew was caused by a shockwave from a secondary gas explosion and the car had essentially crushed her. It was a miracle she was alive at all.

But thankfully the news had reported wrongly. There had been no deaths. Five injured, including Yaz and Jennifer and of which Jennifer was by far the most critical. Not good but far from the serious mass casualty situation with multiple deaths that the news had been reporting.

“Yaz are you ready?” the Doctor asked, putting a gentle hand on Yaz’s arm so as not to startle her.

She was home from work, and they were supposed to be going to the hospital to see Jennifer but Yaz was sitting at the kitchen table, a cold cup of tea in front of her, staring into space.

Yaz shook her head slightly as if she was chasing away the thoughts in her head and gave her girlfriend - no her fiancée – a small smile.

“Yeah I’m ready, we can go.”

She got up slowly, her body still stiff and a little sore from the battering it had received, and she pulled a light jacket round her shoulders as she followed the Doctor out to the car.

She waited for the Doctor to be safely in like she always did, her crutches thrown into the back seat, before getting into the driver’s seat. She closed her eyes for a second, momentarily transported back to her old car, to hanging upside down, the smell of smoke filling her nostrils, Jennifer dying beside her…

“Yaz, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” The Doctor told her, looking at her with concern.

“I need to see her. I need to see for myself that she’s still alive.”

“But you don’t have to drive. We can ask someone for a lift or get a taxi or the bus.”

“I have to drive. For me Doctor, I have to drive. Just give me a minute.”

The Doctor watched her worriedly. Yaz was holding onto the steering wheel with a death grip and seemed to be mentally talking herself through something although the Doctor wasn’t entirely sure what.

“What can I do to help Yaz?” the Doctor asked her very gently.

“Doctor what the hell kind of police officer would I be if I knowingly let you drive with no licence, no insurance and a severe seizure disorder?” Yaz snapped angrily.

The Doctor bit back the retort that had been going to say that she hadn’t meant that she should drive, that was a bad idea on so many levels, just that she might be able to help her calm down or find an alternative method.

Yaz sat for another few minutes, a tense silence filling the car before she suddenly seemed to spring into action, putting the car into gear and reversing out of the driveway into the street.

The Doctor watched her very carefully as she drove, anxious that Yaz probably shouldn’t be driving right now even if she technically did have the all clear from the hospital but she seemed safe, she wasn’t reckless or nervous, it was only because the Doctor knew her so well that she was able to spot that she was struggling.

It was only ten minutes to the hospital and Yaz parked the car in one of the accessible spots near the front where instantly her entire body slumped over the steering wheel.

The Doctor reached out, rubbing Yaz’s back lightly.

“I’m sorry I shouted at you.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it isn’t. You were only trying to help… but I will arrest you if you try and drive.” She added, a small smile on her face.

“I know, I expect nothing less.”

“I’m fine, we can go.”

Yaz got out of the car and grabbed the Doctor’s crutches from the back seat, helping her out of the car. She could get on and off a dining room chair okay now or out of her wheelchair but the soft sofa was too hard as was getting out of the car where she also had to worry about not banging her head in the process.

The hospital was calmer than Yaz had been expecting but then again, they weren’t anywhere near A&E today and the signs to the ICU were easy enough to follow although there were several intercoms to talk to before they were finally admitted to the ward and greeted by a nurse who showed them to Jennifer’s bed.

Yaz thought she might be sick. It was almost impossible to see Jennifer through the equipment – monitors, bandages, a huge cast on her leg from toes to hip and around her waist, drains, a catheter, drips, tubes in her neck and nose. Her whole body looked swollen and painful.

“How is she?” Yaz asked, helping the Doctor into the only chair. “What you can tell me anyway. Her sister Emma already told me, but I was in the same accident and had a bit of a concussion so it’s all a bit fuzzy.”

“It’s fine. Emma’s had to go home for a while but she told me you’d be stopping by and it was fine to talk to you. I hear you’re the reason Jennifer is still with us?”

“Am I?”

“Didn’t you know? You saved her life. You reset her dislocated shoulder which restored just enough blood flow to her arm so that she didn’t lose it. She would have stopped breathing without the supplemental oxygen you had her on and she would have bled out if you hadn’t been plugging her abdominal wound. Not to mention you pulled her from the car in the first place! You must be her guardian angel! Who even carries oxygen?”

“It’s mine. I need it a lot, so we keep it in the car.” The Doctor answered when Yaz didn’t, her eyes shining with pride.

“Well no matter why you had it, it’s pretty safe to say that Jennifer wouldn’t be here without you and if she was she would certainly have lost her arm and sustained serious brain damage from the lack of oxygen. Her injuries are very serious and we’re not out of the woods yet but we’re hopeful.”

“What are her injuries?” the Doctor asked.

“Not good I’m afraid. Her side of the car was essentially crushed from my understanding and it has caused a lot of damage to the left side of her body. She had a badly broken femur, broken hip, she’s shattered part of her pelvis, she’s had surgery for that to start the repairs but she’s held together with rods, plates and screws at the moment. She might need a full hip replacement depending on how she heals. She needed surgery to repair the dislocation and stabilise fractures to her shoulder and arm. She broke six ribs and has a punctured lung and crush injuries to her abdomen, we’ve had to remove part of her liver and a large part of her intestines. She’s endured nine surgeries so far but she’s not finished yet.”

“Does she have any awareness?” Yaz asked, feeling slightly nauseous.

“It’s hard to say. She has brain activity but we’re keeping her under sedation. Most patients who waken from sedation say they have some memories of people being there and talking to them.”

“Can I touch her?”

“Yes of course, don’t move any of the equipment obviously but you can touch her, talk to her. I’ll get you another chair.”

The nurse disappeared and reappeared a few moments later with a chair and Yaz sank down into it, gently picking up Jennifer’s hand.

It was warm and dry. Yaz wasn’t sure what she had been expecting but it wasn’t that.

“I’m so sorry Jennifer. This is all my fault…”

“Yaz this isn’t your fault. In no way is this your fault.” The Doctor interrupted. They had had the same conversation several times now.

“I was driving!” Yaz argued stubbornly.

“But you didn’t crash Yaz! There was an explosion! It threw your car into the air and made it land about fifty feet away from where you started. That wasn’t your fault. There was nothing you could have done!”

The machines beeped around them. They were irritating. Yaz wondered if the nurses ever got annoyed by them or if they were used to them.

Most people they met assumed Yaz was good at this, sitting in hospitals. But she wasn’t. She had almost no experience of it whatsoever. When the Doctor was sick, no matter how bad she was, she was sick at home and Yaz was her primary carer so no matter how scared she was, even when she was going out of her mind with worry, she was able to reign it in because she was busy juggling her needs and caring for her as best she could. There was no sitting around waiting. This… this was torture.

Yaz sat holding Jennifer’s hand for a couple of hours, the Doctor stayed with her, holding her other one and between them they managed to keep up a one sided conversation.

“Oh, I can't believe I didn’t tell you this!” Yaz said suddenly. “But I asked Jane to marry me and she said yes! I know you know I was thinking about it…”

That was news to the Doctor and she stared at Yaz in surprise. “She didn’t ask, she demanded.” She interjected.

“I was concussed! Besides my balance was so shocking if I’d tried to get down on one knee I’d only have ended up flat on the floor and then I’d have been stuck! I think the only reason I wasn’t rolling across the floor was because you were holding me so tightly.”

“Well anyway Jennifer, she came home looking like she’d been blown up…”

“I had been blown up!”

“Fell into my lap and cried for a while. Graham took us down to our room and she asked me… Can’t believe you’d been planning something.”

“I wasn’t planning, I’d just talked to Jennifer about it.” Yaz reasoned.

“But you’d been thinking about it.”

Yaz shrugged. “I think of you as my wife. Have done for a long time. Nothing changes with a piece of paper other than our legal rights.”

“Such a romantic.”

“Well we can't all be as romantic as you. If you’d proposed it would have been some sort of ridiculous, grand gesture in public wouldn’t it?”

“Not necessarily!” the Doctor protested half heartedly, knowing that Yaz was probably right.

“Ladies, I’m sorry but visiting hours are ending.” The nurse was back.

“We have to go Jennifer, I’ll come back in a few days though. Keep fighting, I miss you.”

Yaz helped the Doctor to her feet and they left the ward silently, the only sound the soft clicks of the Doctor’s crutches against the floor.

Yaz visited Jennifer every day over the next few days which gave her sister a break although they didn’t actually meet in person. She endured another three surgeries that week and she still wasn’t done. Yaz had assumed when the nurse told her that Jennifer would face a hip replacement depending on how she was healing meant that if she wasn’t healing well she would get one. Turned out to be opposite… the state her leg was in now it would never heal to let her walk on it again, a hip replacement was only if she showed good signs of recovery. Whatever the outcome, Yaz knew it was highly likely she had lost her boss. Even if Jennifer recovered enough to make it back to work, she would almost certainly be on desk duty. The thought made her incredibly sad.

But that was all in the future, first she had to survive.

The Doctor had taken a week off work after Yaz’s accident but Yaz wouldn’t let her take anymore, at the end of the day she would probably need plenty of time off for her own health.

But now it was once again half term and that meant one thing. Maisie. Probably not the restful final week of her leave that her doctor had envisioned but it was the one she was getting and the one she felt like she needed.

It was Maisie’s last term at primary school but unlike her friends, Maisie wouldn’t be going to her local comprehensive next year. Instead a place at the therapeutic residential unit was becoming available and it was earmarked for her. She didn’t know yet. It wouldn’t be available until the middle of August and they didn’t want to unsettle her anymore than she already was.

What she also didn’t know was that Yaz and the Doctor had made a formal application to be Maisie’s foster carers. In practice it meant nothing would change. Maisie would be in the unit, it was called Meadowbank, full time but she would stay with Yaz and the Doctor every third weekend or so and part of each school holiday. In short, exactly the same arrangement they had now only Maisie would finally be getting the help she needed which was all any of them wanted. But again, they had decided not to tell her until anything until it was formalised. There was always a chance that their application would be turned down.

“Yaz?”

The Doctor’s voice floated down the hall to where Yaz was in the conservatory, running on the treadmill but Yaz didn’t hear her, she was so engrossed in her workout.

“Yaz?” the Doctor asked again, this time right beside her.

“AAAHHH!” Yaz shrieked, almost falling off the treadmill but just managing to catch herself before she fell off. She turned off the machine and stepped off, holding its handrails for support for her wobbly legs. She always felt like she was at sea or something when she got off.

“You okay love? Should you even be doing that?” the Doctor asked in concern.

“I’m fine, the concussion has cleared.”

“But the damage to your ear isn’t quite healed, what if you’d had another dizzy spell?”

“Are you just here to lecture me?” Yaz asked crossly.

The Doctor bit back a retort that Yaz routinely lectured her on staying safe and looking after herself. Well she had; she didn’t need to so much anymore. And the Doctor put up with it because she was usually right.

“No, I was going to ask if you fancied a swim before Maisie gets here. You know how hectic things get when she comes to stay, and I thought it would be nice to do something together first.”

Yaz’s face softened. “I’m sorry. I don’t deserve you. I’m just so worried about Jennifer.”

“It’s fine Yaz, I get it. You’re worried about your friend. Though if you’re this worried about Jennifer I hate to think how hard you were to live with when I was sick.”

“Mostly I just cried.” Yaz admitted quietly. “All over Graham constantly actually. I'm sure I ruined a couple of his favourite cardigans. And besides, when you’re sick I’m too busy taking care of you. It’s the waiting I can’t stand.”

“I’m sorry Yaz, waiting for news, after everything I’ve put you through, of course you’re really anxious.”

“After everything we’ve been through together.” Yaz corrected. “Come on, a swim sounds great.”

Yaz felt infinitely better after spending the best part of an hour swimming gentle laps with the Doctor and another twenty minutes in the hot tub until Yaz had looked at her watch and realised that Maisie was due any minute and they had got out hurriedly. It took the Doctor a lot longer to get ready and she had to look after her stump with meticulous care when it was wet so when the doorbell rang she hadn’t progressed very far and Yaz sprinted down the TARDIS corridor to answer the regular front door on her own.

"Yaz!" Maisie cried happily, wrapping her arms tightly around Yaz's waist like she always did. "I missed you!"

"I only spoke to you yesterday on the phone." Yaz laughed. 

"Yeah but I haven't seen you for aaaaages!"

"Well come in then. Go and put your things in your bedroom first."

Maisie happily skipped off upstairs and Yaz exchanged a few words with Carole before shutting the front door.

"Where's Jane?" Maisie asked as she appeared in the kitchen again.

"She's just coming sweetheart."

Yaz made Maisie a glass of juice and the little girl happily perched on her favourite chair to drink it while she excitedly showed Yaz the cakes she had made for the Doctor. At that moment the Doctor manoeuvred herself slowly and awkwardly through the door from the garage to the kitchen on her crutches.

Maisie stared at her, her mouth a comical O of shock.

And then screamed.

Her little face looked terrified.

"You're a liar! I hate you!" she shrieked at the Doctor, seemingly out of nowhere, sprinting out of the room but unfortunately crashing into the Doctor on the way past, upsetting her precarious balance.

The Doctor’s crutch and leg went out from underneath her and she crashed towards the floor, Yaz just managing to catch her before she hit it.

“Are you okay?” Yaz asked her urgently, carrying her to the sofa under the window of the kitchen.

“I think so… my leg…” the Doctor gasped, more out of shock than anything. Her prosthetic was sticking out at a funny angle and Yaz helped her with her trousers to assess the damage. "What the hell was that about?" the Doctor asked shakily, completely bemused.

“I have no idea but I'm going to find out. Will you be alright down here?”

“Go. Think my legs just sitting wonky, don’t think it’s damaged.”

“I’ll be back in a few.”

Yaz pressed a fleeting kiss to the Doctor’s temple and stood up, heading for Maisie’s room. She knocked on the door and let herself in. Maisie was squeezed into the gap between her bed and the wall.

Yaz sat down on the bed.

“Why don’t you come and sit down and tell me what’s happened.”

Maisie did get off the floor, but she fiddled with Honey.

“Something scared you. And it looked like Jane made you really mad.”

Maisie sighed heavily.

“You know you can tell me anything Maisie. I’m not gonna be mad at you for telling the truth.”

“Jane didn’t tell the truth. She lied and lied and lied.”

“What do you mean sweetheart? What did Jane lie about?”

“She said she couldn’t walk but she can. Does that mean you lied too?”

Maisie looked at Yaz sideways as though afraid to meet her eye and suddenly everything clicked into place for Yaz. Maisie had never seen the Doctor walk. When they had first met, it had been before the Doctor’s brain infection but she had been dealing with a pressure sore so was off her feet at the time and then three weeks later the infection had hit so to Maisie, the Doctor had always used a wheelchair.

“You’re right Maisie, Jane can walk a little. But she’s only just learning how. She used to be able to walk but then she got sick and where you have big strong muscles that you can make do whatever you want to like run and jump and climb, hers wouldn’t work very well anymore so she stopped being able to do lots of things for herself and she had to use her wheelchair all the time. But as she’s got better she’s been able to do more things for herself again. Do you remember she used to have to use the really big wheelchair all the time and I had to feed her and put her body in the right place for her so she was comfortable and carry her places or lift her in and out of her wheelchair?”

Maisie nodded slowly.

“Well I don’t really have to do those things for her anymore. Sometimes when she’s really tired or she’s having a bad day she still needs help but she’s learned how to do a lot for herself now and her walking is just like that. She’s been working on it for a long time but she’s only just getting strong enough to walk with her crutches… here, let me show you something.”

Yaz scrolled through her phone until she found what she was looking for. A video, of herself, the Doctor and Ryan, filmed by Graham. They were on a beach on some planet Yaz can’t remember the name of and there was a sports day. All three of them got roped into playing and were wearing ridiculous, shiny, baggy shorts and tank tops. Everything was far too big, designed to fit the local species which although humanoid in appearance were more stout and a little taller than the humans and Time Lord. But it also clearly showed off how perfect her body had once been, when she had been able to maintain a normal, healthy weight, no scars, all four limbs intact, hands that obeyed commands and a brain that was so intelligent and quick it was just unfair on everyone else, her face...

Yaz pressed play on the video and handed over the video and handed it to Maisie. There was a close up of the Doctor’s unscarred face as she checked the camera was working, happy and carefree. Then Graham walked backwards, filming their half-hearted, vaguely ridiculous attempts at warming up and the Doctor hamming it up for the camera. But as the competitors lined up, her competitive nature had kicked in and there was a look of seriousness on her face. The starting cannon went off and the Doctor sprinted, easily overtaking the competition despite being the smallest one there and doing a ludicrous victory dance.

In a way it was harder to see her like that now, how she was before than it was to see her the way she was now. Yaz missed her. It didn’t mean she loved the Doctor as she was any less, because she couldn’t love the woman downstairs any more if she tried but the woman in the video had been so happy and care free.

“She was really pretty before her face got hurt.” Maisie mused.

“I still think she’s beautiful” Yaz told her, slightly stung by what Maisie had said but understanding none the less.

“She looks really happy.” Maisie commented. “Do you think she’ll ever be that happy again?”

“I hope so Maisie-Bug. I really hope so.” Yaz pulled her in close for a cuddle.

“Did I make her fall over?” Maisie asked.

“It’s okay, she knows it was an accident. She’s not hurt, I caught her before she fell on the ground. But you do need to be careful okay? Don’t pull her or grab her crutches or hug her while she’s standing up because she’s a bit like one of your dollies when she’s standing up, all wibbly wobbly. Just a tiny push will make her fall over.”

“I want to help her.” Maisie said determinedly.

“I know sweetheart. Jane will tell you if she needs help. Now why don’t we go down and see her?”

“I can give her my cake!”

“I’m sure she’ll love that!” Yaz grinned.

Maisie walked sheepishly back into the kitchen behind Yaz. The Doctor was sitting on the sofa, she had wriggled out one leg of her trousers and had gotten as far as taking her leg off so she could readjust it and put it back on again.

Maisie nervously sat beside her.

"I'm sorry I shouted at you. You scareded me. I didn't know you could walk sometimes."

"That's okay Maisie, I know you didn't mean it. Thank-you for apologising. I find walking pretty tricky, so I need to be careful when I'm on my feet that nothing is going to make me fall over."

"Yeah, Yaz tolded me."

"What have I been telling you? Yaz is super smart." she winked at Yaz.

"Yaz is super everything. She's like a super hero."

"Yaz is definitely my super hero." the Doctor told Maisie conspiratorially and Yaz, who was blushing bright red, quickly busied herself making tea so neither the Doctor nor Maisie could see how emotional she had gotten. 

Maisie was staring at the Doctor's prosthetic. She had to admit, it was slightly odd looking, especially without a shoe on like now with the odd-looking plastic foot poking out. When she had fallen it had knocked the ankle joint out slightly and she handed her whole leg over to Yaz who was easily able to tighten it with an allen key, something her hands just couldn't do. 

"What are you doing Yaz?" Maisie asked. 

"She's fixing my ankle. It's not sitting right so I can't walk on it until it's fixed."

"Oh..."

But Maisie looked confused.

"It doesn't look like an ankle."

The Doctor laughed at that. "You're right, it doesn't. Want me to show you?"

Maisie nodded. 

The Doctor moved her jumper out of the way so Maisie could see her leg clearly. The little girl had only seen it once before.

"When my leg got broken it was really poorly and it was making me even more poorly so a special doctor called Dr Jones cut it off so I wouldn't be poorly anymore, and this is what's left. Some people call it a stump or a residual limb."

"Does it hurt?"

"Sometimes it does." the Doctor answered honestly. "It hurt lots and lots when it first happened but now it's not so bad and if it's sore Yaz can help me."

"How?"

"Well sometimes we use heat packs or ice packs or Yaz can massage it, that helps too."

"What does it feel like?" 

"That's a good question. You can touch it if you want to. It doesn't hurt right now."

Maisie reached out nervously and poked at the Doctor's leg. She ran her hands over the scarring and where the stitches had been.

"I thought it would be hard. But it's all squishy."

The Doctor smiled.

"Were you sad when your leg got cut off?"

"I was sad for a long time about that but I know now that if Yaz hadn't decided to do that that then I would have died and then I wouldn't have met you or got to be with Yaz or live in this house or go to work."

"Oh."

Yaz finished adjusting the ankle joint and handed it over. "How's that?"

The Doctor fiddled with it experimentally for a minute.

"Perfect." she smiled and then handed it to Maisie. "Do you want to look?"

Maisie nodded. 

"This part is the socket. That's where my stump goes."

Maisie stuck her hand in. 

"And this is my knee, that means my leg can bend to make it easier to walk on... this bit is called a pylon. It's what I have instead of a shin. This is my ankle and this is my foot."

"It has no shoe on" Maisie giggled. 

"You're right it doesn't. You can put it on if you like, I can't walk on it without shoes."

Maisie looked delighted and stuck the leg upside down so the foot was under her chin, wrestling with the Doctor's sock and shoe, concentrating so hard that her tongue was poking out.

"You have stinky feet." Maisie giggled. 

"My foot's made of plastic, it doesn't smell!" the Doctor said, pretending to be outraged. 

"Her real one does!" Yaz stage whispered to Maisie. 

Maisie managed the sock but she just couldn't get the shoe on at all and Yaz helped her out, handing it over to the Doctor to put on, explaining to Maisie how it worked.

"I made you a present." Maisie told the Doctor shyly. "Well... me and Carole made it."

"What is it?"

"I'll get it!"

Maisie took off out of the room.

"You handled her questions so well." Yaz told her.

"Was it okay? I was worried it was too much information all at once."

"It was perfect." Yaz smiled as Maisie reappeared, a large tin in her hands, thrusting it into the Doctor's hands excitedly who grappled with the lid.

"I can help you open it."

The Doctor sighed, she hated it when Yaz had to do basic stuff for her but when Maisie did it, it was all the more humiliating, but she also knew she wasn't getting into the tin and she handed it over.

It was a tin of cupcakes. 

"Wow, they look and smell amazing!" she enthused.

"Good thing the kettles boiled then isn't it." Yaz told them, sticking the Doctor's and her own tea as well as Maisie's juice on the table and helping the Doctor off the sofa.

The Doctor tucked in excitedly and Yaz watched as her face changed and she clearly tried very hard not to screw up her face in disgust.

She nibbled her own carefully but it was lovely. She wasn't much of a baker, so they usually only had baked goods when they were at Umbreen's or occasionally when Graham was feeling generous.

"I need to wash my hands" Maisie announced, licking icing off them enthusiastically.

"What's the matter?" Yaz whispered to the Doctor as she shoved her cupcake away from her like it was poison.

"I HATE pears. Should be outlawed across the galaxy. Worse food EVER." she muttered darkly.

Yaz burst out laughing. She had known that, but she'd forgotten and the recipe was clearly pear and chocolate. 

"Here." she handed the Doctor her empty wrapper and took her cake, enjoying the excuse for a second one, they were very good. “Don’t tell her, she’ll be devastated!”

Their week with Maisie was going very well and they kept busy now the weather had improved again with a trip to the seaside and aquarium, visiting Najia who Maisie loved and lots of outings to the park which was Maisie's favourite place, she did better in wide, open, spaces as she felt less threatened. 

It was a peaceful evening, Yaz was catching up on paperwork for her return to work on Monday in the study while Maisie and the Doctor were in the living room and the Doctor was reading her Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. Maisie had been desperate to watch the films, but the Doctor had insisted on the book first. There was no way she could tackle it on her own yet so they had bought her the illustrated edition of the book and she was curled up against the Doctor, staring at the pictures in awe. It was a cosy scene that Yaz had snapped a candid photo though, neither of them had even noticed. 

The phone rang but the Doctor ignored it, knowing that by the time she got back into her wheelchair it would have rung out anyway and she heard Yaz go and answer it and ten minutes later Yaz appeared. 

"Who's that?" the Doctor asked, just finishing the chapter, not many people used their landline.

Yaz shot her a significant look.

"Maisie go put your PJ's on and brush your teeth, then come back down so I can kiss you goodnight." the Doctor told her. 

Maisie pouted but did as she was told. Yaz was standing right there and could be relied upon to be strict. 

Yaz waited until Maisie was out of ear shot. 

"That was Martha, she wants to come and stay this weekend. Starting now."

"What, why?"

"She wasn't very clear. To check up on you probably. She doesn't approve of our relationship."

"So what, she's coming all the way from Scotland to tell me that?"

"Oh not just her. Mickey and the kids too. She pretended to ask but there wasn't much wiggle room. Some guff about already being on their way and their hotel cancelling them... didn’t feel like I could say no."

The Doctor groaned. "What's wrong with dinner like a normal person." she complained.

"Want me to phone her back and tell her no."

"Have you already told her yes?" 

"Told her in principle it was fine but I had to talk to you about that. She seemed surprised at that actually. Think she thinks I don't let you have any opinions."

The Doctor rolled her eyes. "And what about Maisie? She was here first, we're not asking her to leave."

"Absolutely not, she's our priority. Let's check with her. If it's okay with her then it's okay with me."

“I regret this already” the Doctor muttered, watching Martha and Mickey unload their kids and what seemed like a very unreasonable amount of stuff for two nights. Maisie had insisted on staying up to meet them but now it was time, she was sitting in the Doctor’s lap in her wheelchair, her head hidden.

Yaz squeezed her hand. “You’ll be fine. You’re doing loads better than the last time Martha saw you in Edinburgh. You weren’t very well that night and her house was very inaccessible. This is your own home and you can escape if you need to.”

“I know, but thanks.”

“This is your house Doctor. Martha is a kind person, I can tell. But she expects you to be the person she knew thousands of years ago which you’re not. And that’s okay. I can understand why she doesn’t necessarily say the right things. Don’t forget we spend the majority of our time surrounded by people who know you and who understand your limits so when we spend time with people who don’t have that knowledge it stands out more.”

“You make me sound like I can't do anything when you put it like that.”

“You _know_ that’s not what I meant in any way.”

“Yeah I do.” She sighed.

Yaz opened the door and let them in, they were a noisy bunch and instantly the spacious bungalow felt very crowded.

“Who’s the kid?” Martha whispered to Yaz.

“Maisie, she stays with us sometimes. She’s pretty wary of strangers so don’t overcrowd her.” Yaz whispered back, unwilling to go into anymore of Maisie’s history with someone she barely knew.

Yaz showed Martha to the spare bedroom where she and Mickey would stay. There was a second spare bedroom upstairs but they hadn’t gotten round to furnishing it yet so Harry would be sleeping on the sofa in the spare room and Martha had a travel cot for little Lizzie.

By the time they had made it to the kitchen, the Doctor had put the kettle on and was making rounds of buttered toast. Yaz took over with the kettle, there were too many drinks to make for her to remember them all and Yaz could see she was already stressed. There was only just enough room for them all at the table, Lizzie was sleeping already and Yaz had loaned them the Doctor’s baby monitor, sincerely hoping that they would have no need of it themselves over the weekend. Martha hadn’t asked why they had one and Yaz didn’t enlighten her, she could think what she liked.

Maisie point blank refused to get off the Doctor’s lap, thoroughly intimidated by the new arrivals but also, understandably, refusing to go to bed while five year old Harry was still up. She was still eyeing the new arrivals warily, especially Harry. She had no sibling and Yaz had no idea how she’d cope with two young kids in the house. She’d already proved she could be violent and destructive.

Eventually she fell asleep on the Doctor and Yaz carried her up to bed, tucking her in carefully. Thankfully, Mickey and Martha took that as their cue, and everyone finished their tea before heading to bed.

“You okay love?” Yaz asked as she lay beside the Doctor.

“There’s a lot of people here now.” She admitted quietly.

“Just remember that this is your house. Not theirs. If they’re doing something you don’t like you can ask them to stop and if you need a break you can take one.”

“What if I can't tell them?” she asked, embarrassed.

“Then let me know and I’ll tell them.” Yaz leaned over and kissed her.

Far earlier than either of them liked to get up on a Saturday morning, especially one where Yaz wasn’t working, they were woken by Harry and Lizzie squealing excitedly in the hallway and Mickey telling them to be quiet (loudly).

“Does that mean we have to get up to?” the Doctor mumbled sleepily against Yaz’s neck. She had been disturbed in the night by repeated spasms travelling up her leg and Yaz had been up with her, trying to help her calm her body enough to go back to sleep for close to three hours.

“You can stay in bed if you want to but one of us should get up.” Yaz replied, not making any effort to move.

“No, I’ll get up too.” She groaned, pushing herself upright with her hands.

“How are you doing this morning?”

“Tired.”

“Seizurey?”

“Don’t think so. Head feels like it normally does.” She said with a shrug. Often when her muscle spasms increased she was heading for a seizure but not always. “I think my wheelchair is safer with little kids around, do you?” she mused out loud.

“Definitely” Yaz agreed. Her balance, though improving a little, was still too precarious for kids bumping into her. 

The Doctor sighed theatrically and got up, putting first dibs on the shower mostly so Yaz could have an extra twenty minutes in bed. Which was when she noticed that the contents of their bathroom cabinet had been disturbed, many of the dreaded catheter supplies weren’t were they should be… and then she remembered Yaz telling Mickey the night before where he could find a spare tube of toothpaste… her cheeks burned with humiliation. Great. Just perfect.

"Morning" greeted Mickey, almost warily half an hour later when she made it into the kitchen. "Can I get you some breakfast?"

"I'm quite capable of getting my own breakfast." she pointed out cooly, heading to the kettle and smiling with relief when she saw that Yaz had written down drink preferences for Mickey and Martha and left it beside the kettle. "Coffee?" she offered.

"Sure, but I can..."

"Mickey eat your cereal." she said firmly though not unkindly. "If I need help with something then I'll ask for it."

The Doctor carefully counted out four mugs and put them beside the kettle. Her hands were as cooperative as they ever were, and she spooned coffee into three of them and a teabag into her own favourite mug. She was aware of Mickey watching her as she carefully tipped the kettle on its axis without having to lift it and made the drinks to everyone's preference, transporting them to the table one at a time. 

Martha appeared from nowhere and Lizzie started squealing excitedly, waving her fat little fists and demanding her attention. Martha poured herself cereal and sat beside Lizzie, entertaining her as she ate. The Doctor winced at the large amount of sloppy porridge that was all over the floor. 

Maisie was next to arrive, still in her pyjamas and she nervously went straight over to the Doctor, holding onto her arm and staring at the happy family scene in front of her warily.

You and me both kid, the Doctor thought. 

"What do you want for breakfast Maisie Bug?" the Doctor asked, trying to keep her in some sort of routine. 

Maisie eyed the table again warily before whispering "toast" into the Doctor's shoulder.

The Doctor quickly popped two slices into the toaster for her and Maisie got out the honey and left it on the side. 

"I bet if you ask Mickey or Martha, they’ll open the honey for you." the Doctor told her 

Mickey held out his hand but Maisie stared at him in fright, clutching the Doctor's arm again and the Doctor clumsily handed over the honey, willing herself not to drop it, she didn't normally hand things over one handed. 

"Jane" Maisie whispered loudly. "She's in your seat."

"It's okay sweetheart, it doesn't matter."

But it did matter because all the seats at the table she could transfer into were occupied and, as Maisie pointed out, Lizzie's highchair was in the empty space where she usually sat in her wheelchair. They did have a chair for it, it was upstairs in the otherwise empty bedroom. 

Martha finally seemed to twig what was going on and dragged the high chair closer to her so there was room for the Doctor to get in... just about anyway and she rolled up beside Lizzie with Maisie on her other side who, now the Doctor was there too, had finally consented to sitting at the table.

Lizzie gurgled excitedly, she was chewing on a piece of bread contentedly but before the Doctor realised what was happening she had made a swipe at her scarf and had grabbed it delightedly, dragging it through the porridgey mess on her highchair and leaving the Doctor suddenly feeling very exposed and vulnerable.

"You're not allowed to do that!" Maisie shouted. "That's Jane's scarf and she needs it for her head."

Before anyone could stop her, she had snatched the scarf back and handed it to the Doctor and Lizzie started to howl.

"Hey, don't snatch things from her, she's just a baby." Martha reprimanded.

"She shouldn't snatch Jane's scarf. It's hers and she _needs_ it."

"It's fine sweetheart, it doesn't matter."

But it did. 

"Why don't you ask Yaz to show you where she keeps her scarves, you could pick one out for me to wear instead?"

Maisie nodded and slipped off the seat and when she came back she (finally) had Yaz with her and was carrying a navy scarf with silver threads which she handed over and Yaz tied quickly in the same style she always did for her. 

The Doctor felt like she could breathe a little easier after that. Her scarf sometimes felt like her armour. She never took it off unless she was swimming and without it, she felt naked and people stared at her even more. 

"Aren't you eating breakfast?" Martha asked. 

"Meds first." the Doctor muttered. 

"Where did you get medication?" she asked suspiciously. 

"TARDIS." 

Martha watched as Yaz swallowed two small white pills and one larger yellow one. She was pretty sure she knew what those were. Then she went to the fridge and pulled out a vicious looking needle, about seven inches long, filled with a thick looking, silvery substance. 

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" Martha asked warily.

"What, after three years you're asking if I know how to care for my fiancée, yes I do funnily enough."

"Yaz is really good at looking after Jane." Maisie said suddenly feeling bold. "She's like a superhero."

Martha watched as Yaz inserted the huge needle into the Doctor’s alarmingly concave stomach… did she get enough to eat? The Doctor held her shirts out of the way with one hand and gripped tightly to the rims of her wheels with the other, closing her eye so she didn't have to watch.

When they were both done, they joined everyone else at the table, Yaz noticed that Harry had crammed about six straws into his drink and was playing with them happily while reading We're Going on a Bear Hunt, she made a mental note to buy more. The Doctor didn't need them all the time but if she were to take unwell she wouldn't be able to drink without them unless Yaz reinserted her feeding tube, not something either of them wanted to go through ever again.

"Yaz, can we still have our picnic in the park?" Maisie asked worriedly while she put away the dishes she could reach, it was always her job while she was there and she thrived on routine. 

"Of course we can."

"Will _they_ come?"

"I don't know sweetheart, why don't you ask them."

Maisie stared at Martha, refusing to speak to her.

"That sounds lovely."

"Maisie, Jane and I have to do some jobs, why don't you show Harry your Connect Four game, I'm sure he'd like that."

"You like Connect Four, don't you?" Mickey said, ruffling his sons hair. 

Harry nodded uncertainly and took Maisie's hesitantly offered hand, heading to the living room where the board games were kept. They were amassing quite a collection now to improve her social skills and some more complex ones to help the Doctor too. 

"Anything Mickey or I can do to help? We don't want to put you out" Martha offered. 

"We meant therapy, just Maisie doesn't need to see that."

"Oh, well I would be interested to watch..."

"You'll have to ask the Doctor, it's not my permission to give." Yaz told her. "We'll walk to the corner shop, it's just under kilometre return trip, then we'll come back and do a passive stretch and a workout."

The Doctor hadn't felt like she could refuse to allow Martha to come with her which was how the three of them ended up walking to the shop together, something they were only doing because she both needed a break from the slight chaos that had descended over their home and also because she made it a point to spend part of each day walking now and she didn't feel comfortable doing that when there were small children under foot. She felt very judged as Martha watched her pace and gait critically, her lips pursed, though she didn't pass comment. 

Yaz walked with her quietly, supportive, encouraging and patient like she always was. 

"Martha, will you just say whatever it is you want to say." the Doctor finally burst out, feeling thoroughly annoyed as they slowly walked back, Yaz holding two small bags of shopping which unfortunately did not contain straws as they hadn't had any. 

"Sorry." Martha apologised.

"I'm an above knee amputee with a brain injury. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to walk? I'm sorry if I clearly don't meet your expectations."

"I just thought you'd be better than this by now, I did your operation, what, three years ago?"

"Almost. It was the week before Christmas. And since then I've spent more than a year off my feet entirely because of the brain infection."

"You should have kept walking through that, it would've been good for you." Martha scolded.

"No offence Martha" Yaz interrupted. "But you have no idea what we've been through or how sick she was with the infection. She couldn't move, let alone sit, stand or walk. Maybe if we had had access to actual therapists or proper therapy equipment we would be doing better now but we've done the best we can and I think the Doctor has done amazingly."

At home Martha insisted on watching the Doctor doing her adapted work out. What she was hoping to see Yaz didn't know. Didn't know if she'd seen it but she wished she would stop, it was putting the Doctor on edge. It was putting her on edge too for that matter.

When they were done Maisie appeared from nowhere and they made up a picnic, Maisie was on packing duty. 

"Do you need your special cutlery Jane?" 

"Yes please sweetheart, thank-you for thinking of it."

Maisie found them in the drawer and added in one of her straps as well for good measure without being asked. 

"Hey, it's because she cares." Yaz whispered, catching the look the Doctor's face. 

"She shouldn't have to worry about this stuff."

"Yeah, well neither should you, but you do, and that means the people that care about you think about what you need because we want to not because we have to."

"Yaz who is Martha?" Maisie asked suddenly.

"She's a friend of Jane's."

"Why? She doesn't act like a friend."

"They used to be very good friends a long time ago. Martha helped Jane when she had to have her leg amputated. I think you've heard us talk about Martha before, but we might have called her Doctor Jones. It was Martha who cut Jane's leg off."

A look of anger flashed across Maisie's face. 

"Hey, remember sweetheart, if Martha hadn't done that then Jane would have died. Her leg was making her too sick. And it wasn't Martha's decision to make anyway." Yaz explained.

"So did you decide to cut your own leg off?" Maisie asked the Doctor incredulously. 

"No sweetheart, I was too sick. I was unconscious."

"So who did?" Maisie demanded.

"I did Maisie. That was my decision." Yaz told her honestly.

Maisie stared at her. Clearly it hadn't been the answer she had been expecting and she was struggling with the information.

“Maisie do you have anything you want to ask?” Yaz asked, watching as Maisie moved closer to the Doctor, standing in front of her protectively.

Maisie shook her head, eyeing Yaz warily.

“That’s okay sweetheart. If you think of any you can ask Jane or I later.”

Maisie didn’t look convinced and she watched Yaz suspiciously, Yaz knew they would have to revisit that conversation several times before Maisie made sense of it.

The trip to the park was quiet, Martha and Mickey went in their own car which gave the Doctor some respite and she was able to close her eyes and try to gather herself. Maisie was clearly feeling very superior and in the know about the Doctor's health and for once, was quiet and calm, singing along to the radio as Yaz drove.

Frustratingly, when they arrived at the park there were no accessible parking spaces and Yaz held up the traffic to allow the Doctor and Maisie to get out into the middle of the car park. Martha had just pulled into a space and was dealing with Lizzie and her pushchair but before the Doctor realised what was happening, someone was grabbing at her wheelchair, pushing her.

“Stop!” she shouted, her fingers getting jammed in the spokes. “What do you think you’re doing?” she asked Mickey incredulously as he appeared in front of her.

“I was just tryin’ to be helpful!”

“Well don’t. I told you at breakfast time, if I need help I’ll ask for it. I’m not helpless.” She said crossly, massaging her fingers.

“Are you okay?” Yaz asked the Doctor, hanging back a little as the group followed Maisie to their usual picnic spot near the oak tree.

“Fine.”

“You’re very quiet today.”

“It’s fine. Just, a lot. And Martha’s being really weird.”

“She doesn’t like me.” Yaz commented. “She thinks I don’t look after you properly.”

“I don’t need looking after” she muttered mutinously, knowing as she said it that it wasn’t true. “Well she didn’t want to be involved and for what it’s worth, she’s wrong. I can't even tell you how amazing you are… don’t know why she feels the need to watch me do therapy though. She was so rude!”

“I think it was a shock for her.” Yaz pointed out reasonably. “She didn’t see how sick you were. I still think the fact that you’re alive and functioning at all is a miracle of some sort, let alone doing as well as you are.”

They had arrived at the tree and Maisie had appointed herself in charge, instructing Martha about where to put the food and telling her that Jane had to sit by the tree.

“She needs support for her back so she doesn’t get sore or tired or fall over.” She instructed bossily when Mickey was about to sit there. 

Mickey moved, clearly wary of incurring Maisie's wrath, she had apparently been difficult to manage while Yaz and the Doctor had gone for a walk to the shop but despite her resentment of Harry, she had elected to stay and play games with him and Mickey rather than the walk to the shop. The Doctor couldn't actually get close to the spot but she transferred onto the ground and did her embarrassing bum shuffle to sit with the rest of the group, leaning against the tree for extra support. 

"Do you still need full back support?" Martha asked quietly.

The Doctor rolled her eyes. "No, I can sit on a good day like today. But if I put all my energy into sitting up and not falling over now, then it becomes harder for me to keep going later in the day because I have issues with fatigue."

"You mean you actually sleep occasionally now?" Martha asked incredulously, teasing slightly.

"Every night and naps." the Doctor replied, annoyed, not wanting to get into it or how much her body had changed. If Martha was interested from a medical perspective, they could sit down and have a proper conversation about it. If she was being nosy then the Doctor had no interest in playing along. 

Readjusting to make herself more comfortable, and a little closer to Yaz, she just aboutmanaged to stifle a groan when she realised that Mickey had already given her specially adapted cutlery and her straw, which had been wrapped in a separate napkin together, to Harry and he was already using them. 

Maisie had apparently also noticed.

"HEY! That's Jane's!" Maisie screeched suddenly. "You can't use it!" She marched over, hands on her hips, and snatched the fork and spoon out of his hands, her eyes blazing with fury. 

"Maisie, hey, it's okay. I can manage." the Doctor soothed her.

"But it's yours. You need it!" Maisie whined protectively.

"I know sweetheart, but Harry didn't know that. He can use them this time okay? He'll know for next time won't he?" 

Maisie wavered uncertainly. 

"Give them back Maisie."

Maisie churlishly dropped them on Harry's plastic plate and stomped away from him, sitting as close to the Doctor as she could without sitting on her lap. She was struggling with the extra people around as much as the Doctor was. 

Yaz passed the Doctor a couple of bits to serve herself from though she noted that she only took finger food rather than the pasta salad which was normally her favourite and the reason they had packed the cutlery in the first place.

"Still okay?" Yaz muttered in a low voice.

"They're going tomorrow right?" the Doctor asked. "I can hold out that long I think."

Yaz stifled a grin. 

The picnic passed without further incident other than Maisie shooting daggers at Harry. As soon as the picnic was finished she was pumping at the Doctor's arm." 

"Can we go play now? Pleeease?"

"Sure. Just wait until Yaz gets back from the car okay? We don't want her to think we've gone without her!" she laughed, bum shuffling over to where Yaz had put her chair. 

But she couldn't get into it. Her arms felt like marshmallows and her head had started to ache. 

"Jane, what's the matter?" Maisie asked looking worried as the Doctor tried and failed to transfer up into her chair.

"I'm fine sweetheart, just going to wait until Yaz gets back and ask her to help me."

"Can I help?" Mickey offered, looking worried. 

She definitely didn't trust him to lift her properly or without hurting her, transferring someone was a skill and required a lot of trust. And she didn't particularly want him quite that up close and personal anyway.

“No thanks, Yaz knows what she’s doing.” She offered as politely as she could and ignoring a short series of muscle spasms in her arm.

"What do you need?" Yaz asked her a minute later when she had come back. 

The Doctor blinked dopily in response. 

"Transfer or lifted?" Yaz prompted, already knowing the answer. 

"Lifted" she mumbled thickly.

She was going down fast. 

"I think we should go home, what do you think?"

The Doctor closed her eyes against the pain in her head.

"I don't... no... give them 10 minutes."

"Are you sure? I think you're heading for a seizure love and I don't think you've got very long."

"Ten minutes... I'll be fine."

"Okay, it's your decision." Yaz told her, worried it was the wrong one. "Can you push, or do you need help?"

"I can... push."

"Okay."

Yaz walked very slowly beside her to the playground and Maisie slipped her hand into Yaz's, clearly sensing that all was not well. 

"Go and play." Yaz prompted her when she stuck to the Doctor's side. "We're only going to stay for ten minutes. We can do something fun when we get home."

Maisie shot one more anxious look at the Doctor before reluctantly leaving her side and heading straight for the climbing frame which she was finally learning to climb and Yaz slipped her hand into the Doctor's. She was visibly shaking now and Yaz watched as she closed her eyes, letting her head drop forwards. 

"Is she alright?" Martha asked having just left Lizzie with Mickey playing in a baby swing. 

"She has a name." the Doctor groaned. "Don't talk about me like I'm not here."

"Sorry... are you alright?"

"Headache." she muttered.

Martha frowned at her but didn't press her to elaborate. 

She was deteriorating even more rapidly now, the muscle spasms were coming frequently… they didn’t have long.

"Maisie!" called Yaz and the little girl came running, her anxious look back again, knowing that when Yaz said ten minutes she actually meant ten minutes and that that play time had been a lot less. 

"Sorry." Yaz apologised to Martha. "The Doctor's going to have a seizure and I would like to get her home before it hits. You don’t have to leave if you don’t want to though…"

But before she could do anything more the Doctor's hand had tightened reflexively in her own and the seizure hit with a vengeance, causing her body to buck violently in her wheelchair. 

"Whoa, you're okay, you're okay." Yaz said soothingly. "I'm gonna get you out of your wheelchair."

She unbuckled the Doctor's seatbelt and lowered her to the floor. She was already rigid and Yaz had her straight onto her side in one smooth, practiced movement. 

"Thankyou sweetheart" Yaz said to Maisie who had come running when she had seen what was happening and had already peeled the Doctor's cushion off the seat of her wheelchair for Yaz to put under her head. Martha had knelt down in the grass beside Yaz and was hovering uncertainly. 

"It's okay Jane, Yaz is looking after you" Maisie said. 

"Mummy! What's wrong with her?" Harry cried looking distraught. 

But Martha didn’t answer, she was too busy staring and to Yaz’s surprise it was Maisie who went to comfort him. They had been at loggerheads all morning according to Mickey who was still over at the swings with Lizzie, he hadn’t even noticed the commotion.

Yaz fished her keys out of her pocket.

“Martha there’s an orange box in the boot of my car, I need you to go and get it.” She instructed clearly

“What now?”

“Yes now! It’ got our emergency supplies.”

Martha got up and ran but Harry was still staring in fear. Maisie walked away from the Doctor and took Harry’s hand, pulling him so he was facing away and Yaz could hear her little voice.

“Don’t look if it’s too scary. Jane has seizures sometimes but she’s okay because Yaz looks after her. It’s because too many things were happening in her brain. It’s like when the TV goes all black and white and silly because it’s got no signal because her brain is sending confused messages.”

“Why does she sound like that” Harry whispered.

“Because when you breathe it’s your muscles that do that and the seizure makes the signals confused.”

“Is she gonna die?” Harry asked, he sounded frightened again.

“No, when she’s finding it really hard to breathe Yaz puts a special mask on her face to help her.”

At that precise moment, Yaz was doing just that, Martha had just arrived back from the car and Yaz had unloaded the oxygen mask from the top of the box, setting it up expertly while also keeping her stable on her side.

“You’d be really proud of Maisie right now love.” Yaz told her. “She’s telling little Harry what seizures are. She obviously listens to us, she’s basically regurgitating what we say to her word for word.”

“What can I do?” Martha asked looking stricken.

“Nothing. We wait, keep talking, she can hear you.” Yaz was stroking the Doctor’s arm gently as she talked to her. 

“Are they always so…”

“This one is severe but nothing out of the ordinary.”

“She sounds like she’s dying…”

“Martha” Yaz said sharply. “I just told you she can hear you, if you can’t be constructive go and be with your kids. I do this all the time, we’re fine.”

Martha looked thoroughly offended which Yaz ignored, noticing out of her periphery that Micky had appeared again, Lizzie in his arms.

“Are you sure we shouldn’t be doing something?”

“Martha, you’re a Doctor, you’re used to acting. But the Doctor is too, all we can do is ride it out. It’ll stop in a few minutes.

“Whoa, is that one of those fit things?” Mickey asked, staring.

“It’s called a seizure.” Maisie said crossly.

The seizure was slowing.

“It’s nearly over love. It’s nearly over. I’ll take you home and you can sleep it off.”

The Doctor gave a huge gasp and her body stilled, sagging heavily and Yaz carefully placed her in the recovery position.

“How long until she wakes up?” Martha asked looking vaguely horrified.

“How long’s a piece of string?” Yaz asked. “She’ll be postictal for hours, possibly days. Might be conscious in time for a late dinner, might not… Maisie can you help me sweetheart?”

“I’m sure I can…” Martha started to say.

“I’m sure you could too but this is Maisie’s job. She needs to feel useful.”

Still holding Harry’s hand, Maisie came forward and Yaz transferred the Doctor’s head to her lap, allowing Maisie to put her wheelchair cushion back and cover it with a towel. Yaz scooped her up and settled her carefully, standing behind her to support her head while Maisie fastened her seatbelt and wrapped a blanket around her legs for dignity.

“Think someone needs a nappy change before we come back with you… oh, never mind she’s okay…” Mickey said looking confused. “Wait… oh my god did she wet herself?”

Maisie looked furious. “Jane has seizures. She can’t help it. They affect all the muscles in her body including her bladder and bowels and she’s embarrassed enough without you making a big deal about it. You’re supposed to be an adult I thought you knew this stuff.” She huffed dramatically, picking up the now substantially lighter orange box and walking down the path towards the carpark with Yaz.

After Yaz got the Doctor home, carried her inside and settled her into bed in clean pyjamas she slept for hours. Harry seemed no worse for wear from his fright but Maisie was still putting herself in charge of looking after him and they were playing with a batch of playdough that the two of them had made with Yaz. Maisie was being surprisingly tolerant of him and Yaz was impressed.

“Don’t you need to take care of the Doctor?” Martha hissed as Yaz sat down with Maisie and Harry, already fashioning a snake.

“And do what Martha? She’s unconscious. She’s wearing her seizure monitor, there’s a visual and auditory camera in there that I can see from where I’m sitting. She’s clean, warm, safe and comfortable. What else precisely do you recommend that I do?”

“It just feels wrong to leave her there on her own.”

“I know” Yaz softened. “When she first started having seizures, I barely left her side for a second and if I did, someone else was with her. But she needs to live her life Martha and I need to live mine. I can't hold her hand for every second of every day and she doesn’t want that anyway. Trust me, if something happens I will be right there and the Doctor knows that. She doesn’t need me or want me to spend my life sitting at her bedside.”

Yaz had been worried that two young kids in the house would disturb the Doctor who was a light sleeper, a part of her always wary of danger, but Lizzie was as good as gold while Maisie seemed to see it as her personal responsibility to look after Harry. At dinner time they made the three children something to eat but when Martha and Mickey learned that Yaz was planning to give the Doctor another few hours of sleep and then wake her and eat together they decided to wait too.

It was just gone nine, Maisie had gone to bed a few minutes before, when the Doctor work of her own accord.

“How’re you doing?” Yaz asked her quietly, stroking her forehead lightly.

The Doctor just stared at her blankly and Yaz sighed, settling in beside her to give her a hug. The Doctor jerkily nudged her head a little closer to Yaz who wrapped her arms around her a little tighter in response.

“That’s okay, you don’t have to talk to me yet.” Yaz reassured her. “Kids are all in bed. Mickey and Martha are making dinner.”

Yaz swapped the Doctor’s oxygen mask for her nasal cannula.

“Do you want to get up or I can bring you something to eat down here if you’d rather?”

Yaz could almost see the cogs in the Doctor’s brain turning. Going down would mean getting the Beast out and it would be embarrassing. Eating in privacy would imply that she was too weak and sick to get out of bed when she was neither, just her brain was refusing to send signals to her body properly.

Finally she gave a small nod towards the door looking like she didn’t really think much of her decision, and allowed Yaz to transfer her, strapping in her hands and foot, her chest strap and even having to adjust her head for her. Having less seizures was great and all, but the price of how severe they were now, was it worth it? She wasn’t sure. 

Yaz wiped the Doctor’s face for her where she was dribbling. “You don’t have to feel nervous. If either of them says something that makes you upset I’ll kick them out if that’s what you want. This is _your_ home.”

The Doctor managed a small smile at that and closed her eye.

“Still headachey?” Yaz asked.

The Doctor gave a small head jerk in response and Yaz kissed her gently.

“Let’s get you something to drink, that’ll help.”

Yaz pushed her down the hallway to the kitchen and put her wheelchair in its usual spot.

The Doctor could feel Martha staring at her and she closed her eye, trying to block it out. Mickey was, for now at least, nowhere to be seen for which she was grateful. One less person to worry about.

“Martha where did you put the box of straws?” she heard Yaz ask.

“I think Harry finished them.”

She couldn’t help it, she groaned.

“What’s wrong with her?” Martha asked, alarmed.

Yaz sighed loudly. “Martha, I asked you this morning when we couldn’t buy more straws to stop giving them to Harry. The Doctor needs them to drink when she’s postictal.”

There was a pause, she still didn’t open her eyes because the harsh light felt like a lot, until Yaz lightly toucher her shoulder and startled.

“Sorry love, didn’t mean to make you jump. You need to drink. I’ll hold the cup for you.”

The Doctor glared at her, there was no way she could drink out of a cup like this.

Yaz shifted slightly, blocking her view of Martha. That actually helped, she could pretend she didn’t have an audience as Yaz held a small towel up to her chin and poured a glass of juice down her throat. It was an incredibly uncomfortable sensation but she persevered because already she could feel her headache lessening. 

By the time Martha had plated up the meal, some sort of chicken recipe, she had finished the drink and Yaz had made her a second one, and Mickey finally made a reappearance in the kitchen, his hair wet from a shower.

“This is your house, you’re safe here.” Yaz whispered into her ear under the guise of kissing her as they sat down together. The Doctor detested being fed even in private and she kept her gaze studiously in her lap as Yaz alternated bites with her.

“Why is she being fed?” Mickey hissed at Martha.

“ _She_ has a name and _she_ can hear you.” Yaz told him icily. “If you have an appropriate question then ask it. If you don’t kindly keep your thoughts to yourself.”

Mickey at least had the grace to look embarrassed and the Doctor gave Yaz a look that Yaz knew meant she could explain.

“When the Doctor has seizures they interrupt the electrical activity in her brain, kind of like when the TV goes on the fritz. She’s fine, her thoughts are fully functioning but her brain is misfiring those signals to the rest of her body which is why she spasms, the jerks and twitches you can see, it’s why she can't move right now and why she can't speak. It’s the postictal stage of her seizure and hopefully by morning it’ll have worn off… and for the record it’s incredibly rude to talk about someone like they're not sitting right in front of you.”

An awkward silence fell over the table and Yaz concentrated on trying to keep the Doctor calm and distracted as they ate. She was really having issues with her mouth, even more than normal and if they hadn’t had guests, Yaz would probably have tucked a towel around her to keep her clean. But they did so she settled for miniscule bites and wiping her face between each one in an effort to preserve as much of her dignity as she could. There was no way she would accept a bib with an audience in the room.

A few minutes after they had finished eating and Martha had cleared the table, Yaz was preparing to take the Doctor to bed when her phone buzzed.

“Do you mind if I take this love?” she has asked the doctor. “It’s Jennifer’s sister, Emma. She might have an update.”

They hadn’t heard anything for a few days and it was making Yaz worried.

The doctor gave a small jerk of her head to indicate that she didn’t mind and Yaz step stepped out of the room.

The doctor tried not to groan again when she felt yet more saliva dribble disgustingly down her chin. It has been happening all evening. She just wanted the night to be over. She wanted to be back in bed, wrapped in the duvet and her weighted blanket and preferably with Yaz holding her tight. In fact, right now that sounded like the only thing in the world that was appealing.

“Here Doctor, let me help you with that.” a voice… were they cooing at her like a toddler?

She opened her eye, Martha was getting closer with a tissue.

_No! Don’t touch me. I don’t like being touched!_

Only, her stupid brain refused to cooperate and nothing came out except more dribble. Martha was getting closer.

_Stop!_

Martha was reaching out, she was going to touch her face. She was going to touch her scars.

_Please don’t touch me!_

Martha put her hand on her forehead, right on top of the hypersensitive scars there, it was like being burned all over again! She was forcing her head back like she was a baby or something before attacking her with a tissue from her pocket.

It was all too much. Everything was happening at once. Everything from the day. Turning up unexpectedly, using all her straws, taking her cutlery, pushing her wheelchair without permission, staring, inappropriate, rude questions, always being there, too many people, the seizure, the lights being too bright, her head hurt… 

She opened her mouth and screamed, all the stresses of the last two days suddenly coming out in an uncontrollable manner. She no longer knew or cared how she looked or what anybody thought of her, she just needed it to stop. She couldn’t take it anymore.

_StopStopStopStopStop_

Yaz ran into the room, wondering what on earth happened. She’d been gone for less than two minutes, she hadn’t even managed to place a call to Emma yet.

“I was just going to wipe her face! I don’t know… I didn’t mean to…” Martha trailed off.

“Did you ask permission?” Yaz demanded angrily.

“She can’t speak!”

“So? She’s not stupid you know! Just because she’s non-verbal doesn’t mean that she can’t communicate with you! You know the abridged version of what she’s been through, how can you possibly think it’s okay to just go and touch her anywhere, let alone her face without asking first?” Yaz asked in disgust, refraining from shouting simply because she knew it would traumatise the Doctor even more than she already was.

Yaz resolutely turned her back on Martha and Mickey before she said something she might regret and crouched down so she was at eyelevel with the doctor.

“Doctor, it’s Yaz. I know this has been a really hard day for you. I’m going to take you down to our bedroom when it’s quiet and safe.”

Yaz kept her voice slow and calm and didn’t reach out to touch her fiancée, even though she really wanted to. She gave the doctor a moment to process what was about to happen, she was still screaming though not quite as loudly, before taking her from the kitchen where they could be just the two of them.

“It’s okay doctor. I love you. You’re safe. Martha and Mickey won’t come in here.”

The Doctor’s screaming had turned into something more similar to crying but she was bright red in the face and gasping for breath despite the nasal cannula that was still in her nose.

“I’m going to hold your hand now Doctor” Yaz warned before reaching out and taking a firm hold of the Doctor’s hands which were still secured to the wheelchair.

“Can you feel that? I want you to try and concentrate on it for me.” 

She watched carefully for a response and was rewarded with the tiniest of nod.

“Well done. Just keep listening to me okay? I’m going to unstrap your hands and your chest and then I’m going to give you a hug. Does that sound like something we can do? “

The doctor nodded properly this time.

Yaz wrapped the doctor tightly in her arms. “This has been a really hard day for you love, I think maybe you just need to go to bed and sleep this off. But I’m gonna stay with you, I won’t leave you. I’m right here, promise.” She explained, holding the Doctor close. “You’re safe.”

It took Yaz nearly two hours to calm the Doctor down enough so she could sleep and Yaz tucked her in carefully, making sure her oxygen line wasn’t likely to get caught on anything and she was resting comfortably.

Although she had remained calm in front of the Doctor who really didn’t need more stress that night, Yaz was livid. She rapped smartly at the door to the spare bedroom.

“Can I have a word?” she asked when Martha answered it.

It wasn’t really a request and Martha followed her to the kitchen.

“How dare you! You’re supposed to be her friend! You’re supposed to be a doctor! You know how much brain damage she has, you know how it affects her. And yet, you still thought it was acceptable to turn up here with no warning? Do you have any idea how hard this has been for her? To have you here, in her one safe space in the universe with no warning, no time to prepare, two small children in tow! And to make matters worse, you’ve been staring at her all day! Your husband is downright rude! You haven’t given her a minutes piece, I’m surprised you haven’t followed her to the bloody bathroom! I just can’t get over how inconsiderate you’ve been! And what in under goodness possessed you to start touching her face? Have you not noticed the scars? Or were you absent that day of medical school where you learned how sensitive acid burns are? Or maybe you forgot about how she was abused and tortured and thought she might like to be randomly touched when she could do nothing to stop you? You seriously owe her an apology! And the only reason I’m not throwing you out of our house right now is because you have two small children and I won’t see them thrown out in the middle of the night.”

  
Yaz could feel herself trembling with rage and she stormed off out of the kitchen before she could say something she regretted even more. She probably shouldn’t have done that. At the end of the day, the Doctor and Martha went way back, had been friends for years. And she had just shouted - almost screamed - at her. Yaz stomped down to the bedroom and got into the shower. She really just needed this day to end.

Yaz was too angry to sleep and it was the small hours of the morning before she managed to fall into a fitful doze.

The frosty atmosphere was unmissable the next morning at the breakfast table. The Doctor had appeared in her own wheelchair, weak and exhausted from her mammoth seizure but she smiled when Maisie wrapped her in a gentle hug.

“I'm glad you’re feeling better Jane. I told Harry you would. He didn’t believe me.”

“You know me Maisie, I’m always okay in the end.”

Maisie grinned and kissed her cheek.

“You’re leaving?” the Doctor asked, directing her question at Martha.

“Yeah, we packed already. Think it’s best we get out of your hair… but can I have a word before we go? In private?”

“I suppose…” the Doctor agreed reluctantly, trying to manoeuvre her wheelchair but her hands weren’t playing ball and kept slipping off her hand rims.

“Do you need me to… Should I… I can… push you?”

“Thanks.”

At least she had asked this time.

The Doctor folded her hands in her lap and allowed Martha to push her wheelchair into the living room where she paced anxiously.

“Are you going to sit down?” the Doctor asked, watching her.

“I need to tell you something.”

“Okay…”

“Or I need to apologise.”

“It doesn’t matter.” The Doctor muttered. She hated listening to peoples apologies, they were always so full of excuses.

“I think… its so weird seeing you like this. All of it. We travelled together just fourteen years ago for me. Not that long really. All that’s happened to me since then is Torchwood being shut down and having kids. But you, you’ve lived for thousands of years. And you’ve been through so much in that time, I think part of me still expects you to be that idiot in the pin stripe suit with the spiky hair, swanning around the universe without a care in the world. But you’re not. I've no idea what you’ve been through in that time but I know its not good things. And you’re not the same person you were when I knew you and it’s not fair of me to expect that of you…”

She paused as if trying to decide what to say next.

“I think part of me always thought I loved you Doctor but I also think that I had you on a really high pedestal and that’s not love, that’s hero worship. And in a way seeing you like this has made you seem so much more ordinary, like I always thought we were invincible when we were together… God I'm making a right mess of this. I'm sorry Doctor. We should have warned you we were coming. And I knew about the issues you’ve been having, I should have been more considerate. I'm a GP, people expect me to know about every medical condition ever and I don’t. But I should have given you the courtesy to check before we arrived, even if it was just having a conversation. I'm sorry we made your weekend so difficult. We shouldn’t have bothered you. ”

“Martha, you have to understand, even before I met the Mhufeist, I was a different person. I hadn’t seen you for thousands of years. I’d had another two faces in between plus this one. Coping with being a woman for the first time.. I would have changed regardless. But you’re never bothering me Martha Jones. Because we had the best of times, didn’t we?”

Martha managed to smile despite herself.

“Yeah we did.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on their wedding and honeymoon! 
> 
> (I've never been to a wedding so any and all ideas are appreciated!)
> 
> Also this is very cheeky but if there are any artists out there I would be so honoured if you wanted to draw the Doctor from this story. I would but I can barely draw stick figures!


	95. Chapter 95

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very short this week I'm afraid. As some of you know I had a bad fall a couple of days ago and have ended up in hospital needing emergency surgery to replace my replacement hip. Fun times. But I wanted to get something out because I love a schedule. Hope you enjoy and thanks to emmyphant who took a wuick read over it to make sure there was nothing too ridiculous in here.
> 
> Included in the end notes as a bonus paragraph is what I wrote while slightly high on morphine and if anyone knows what the hell I was on about please let me know!

“Yaz! It’s too hot out!” Maisie whined.

“Then go and sit inside.”

“It’s even hotter inside!”

“Then go sit beside Jane, she’s always freezing.”

“Yaz! I’m not your personal refrigeration unit!”

“I didn’t ask you to be, I asked you to be Maisie’s” Yaz replied, not looking up from the report she was working on, shaded by the parasol over the garden table and chairs she was sitting at.

She didn’t need to be looking at the Doctor to know she was rolling her eye.

“Tell you what Maisie, if you go and find the ice-lollies in the freezer and bring out your book we can read it together, how does that sound?” the Doctor stage whispered.

Maisie’s little face lit up and she sprinted inside.

“I really thought she would be more unsettled after leaving Carole and Paul” the Doctor commented quietly to Yaz. She was sitting in the grass leaning on a support pillow against the fence, her crutches abandoned beside her. “Especially because she knows this is only for six weeks before she starts school.”

“It’s flown by, I’m still struggling to get my head around her starting at Meadowbank next week.”

“She will be okay, won’t she?” the Doctor mused worriedly.

“Weirdly the disastrous visit from Martha seems to have settled her a little, she’s been on a relatively even keel for the last four months…” Yaz stopped talking as Maisie skipped out again. She handed Yaz a white chocolate magnum and plonked herself into the Doctor’s lap, giving her one of the luridly coloured rocket lollies she was holding, already licking her own enthusiastically and rifling through _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban_ to find hers and the Doctor’s bookmark.

The Doctor pushed her glasses up her nose and started to read. “ _Chapter 11, the Firebolt… Harry didn’t have a very clear idea of how he got back to the Honeydukes Cellar…”_

Yaz opened her own ice-cream and took a minute to just enjoy the scene that was playing out in front of her. Maisie was sitting between the Doctor’s legs on the grass, holding the heavy book in her lap, her head resting against the Doctor’s chest. The Doctor had one arm wrapped around her waist and was holding the lolly stick with a fat handled gripper Maisie had brought out for her, her head resting on the little girl’s chin.

They were both so damaged and yet they had found peace with each other, a unique understanding that no one else could quite match.

As Yaz parked her car outside the unfamiliar nursing home she couldn’t help but think of the Doctor and Maisie home alone together for the first time for more than a half hour or so. Yaz had talked to Maisie about what to do in an emergency and she had explained that she wasn’t responsible for the Doctor in any way but if the Doctor were to take unwell or have a seizure… it was a lot of pressure for a little girl. She had been attending a summer scheme to keep her busy and in a routine over the last few weeks and when Yaz worked late someone had come over as a just in case so Yaz hoped it was going well.

The nursing home felt no less clinical than the hospital had, it felt weird visiting Jennifer here, she was only 55 after all but she just wasn't up to looking after herself just yet. She'd only been released from the hospital less than a week ago.

Yaz signed in and was given directions to her room. As she walked down the corridor looking at the other residents it only confirmed for her that Jennifer was far too young to be here. Yaz knocked softly at her door and let herself in. She had a private room which had to be an improvement over the busy ward. There was a single hospital bed at one side with a small locker beside it. In the corner was a huge, medical looking arm chair which reclined and was all padded and supportive, they had looked into one for the Doctor shortly after her brain infection but ultimately had decided it was too expensive and they hadn't had the space anyway. There was a bulky wheelchair beside the wardrobe and a zimmer frame beside the bed. Yaz put the bag of goodies on her locker and sat down in what appeared to be the visitor chair, deciding to see if Jennifer woke on her own or not, if she didn't she would leave her a note and then leave her in peace to sleep. 

Yaz was just rummaging around for a pen when Jennifer stirred. She had been lying flat on her back with pillows wedged between her knees and Yaz helped her sit up, giving her a hug while she was at it.

“How are you?” Yaz asked, noticing that Jennifer’s pallor had a sickly sheen to it.

“I’m okay.” She lied blatantly.

“Do you need anything?”

“Can you help me into the chair? It’s so much more comfortable than this.” Jennifer asked. She was shaking with the pain and Yaz grabbed her zimmer frame for her. It was only a few small steps to the huge chair but Jennifer was breathless by the time she reached it and she slowly reclined and lifted her feet up, breathing heavily and holding onto the arm of the chair tightly.

“Do you need me to find a nurse or do you have pain meds in here?”

“Haven’t you heard? I'm being taken off all the good stuff.” She groaned. “This is withdrawal.”

“Oh I had no idea. I'm so sorry Jennifer. Do you want me to go?”

“No stay, please, the distraction is good. Tell me about Maisie, how’s she settling in?”

“She’s doing really well. We’ve had a couple of incidents but nothing major. She’s not physically attacked anyone, including herself, since she moved in although there have been some ugly scenes with words.”

“What’s it like to have her around all the time?”

“Like I’m way too young to have an eleven year old!” Yaz joked. “No, in all seriousness it’s been really hard work. She’s very demanding as you know and it’s very hard to get time to help Jane with stuff when she needs it though her health is the most even it’s been since before she was hurt. But I have to keep reminding myself that even though she’s staying with us for a few weeks, once she starts school next week, everything’s gonna go back to normal. We’ll see her every third weekend and chat on the phone.”

“It’s amazing to think how far she’s come. You, Jane, Carole and Paul, you’ve done amazingly with her… how’s Jane?”

“She’s doing really well. She still has seizures and they completely knock her for six when she does but we’ve got them down to about every three weeks now with the medication she’s on even if I do have to stick her with a giant needle every morning. And her mental health is better too, she’s calmer and less wary. She smiles and jokes more. She was actually singing the other day. I think working again is having a positive effect on her. And she’s all but stopped using her wheelchair, she can’t get on and off the floor yet unless she goes via a chair or she has help but I never thought she’d walk at all at one point, she was so sick and so disabled after her brain infection. ”

“I’m so pleased Yaz, you both deserve to be happy.”

“What about you, how’s Lucy?”

Jennifer’s face crumpled and she burst into tears.

“Oh Jennifer, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to upset you.” Yaz took her hand and passed her some tissues.

“I’m sorry Yaz. I’m fine, really.”

“No, you’re not. What’s happened?”

“I just miss her so much. She couldn’t come to the hospital because of the infection risk and the care home she’s in doesn’t have enough staff but I can't get in a car yet and I just… she’s my baby and I haven’t seen her in nearly four months and it’s her birthday next Tuesday and I’ll miss it.”

Jennifer started to cry again and Yaz resolved that she would do something about it.

Yaz ended up staying with Jennifer for about two hours, eventually leaving her a little calmer than she had been and cooing over the bag of treats that Yaz had brought her. As she drove home, Yaz already had a plan hatching in her head and as soon as she got home she was on the phone to Jennifer’s sister Emma. 

"Are you okay sweetheart?" Yaz asked Maisie as they walked back from the corner shop together. Her emotions had been yo-yoing all over the place the last few days.

"I don't want to go Yaz." she whispered, slipping her little hand into Yaz's.

Yaz swallowed. It was so hard, she had no idea it was going to be this hard. Or just how attached she had gotten to the little girl. They both had. And Maisie had no choice. Yaz and the Doctor couldn't commit to taking her on full time, even if she didn't have the problems she had. They both worked now, and while the Doctor's own health might be better but she was far from healthy and when she wasn't well, she was very unwell. That wasn't fair on anyone involved. And Meadowbanks was the best place for Maisie, they all knew it. 

They had arrived home and Yaz let them in. The Doctor was at the kitchen table pouring over some of her new course materials for work, although her undergraduates wouldn't be back for a few weeks, her Masters level and Doctoral level courses were due in a week and she'd been putting in a lot of work from home to be ready. 

Yaz put the few bits of shopping away and Maisie sank heavily onto the small purple sofa in the kitchen. Yaz made all three of them a drink and sat down beside her. 

"Tell me why you don't want to go." 

They had had several variants of the same conversation over the last few days.

Maisie shrugged and curled into Yaz's side. 

"Do you want to look at the book again?" the Doctor offered, pulling it out of the bookcase behind her. Meadowbanks had sent Maisie a personalised book all about their centre with photos of it, of Maisie's new bedroom, her teacher and the other staff who'd be looking after her.

Maisie nodded uncertainly and the Doctor levered herself to her feet awkwardly with her crutches, coming to sit on her other side. 

Maisie flipped through the book listlessly, only half looking at the pictures until she got to the one of her bedroom. It was a nice room, painted cream with a wooden floor, twin beds, two wardrobes, two chests of drawers, two bedside lockers, two desks and two toy boxes. Both girls would have privacy even though they were sharing. There were shelves above her bed. 

"It's not nice like my room here." Maisie said sadly. 

"I'm sure we could do something about that." the Doctor suggested. "Then tomorrow when we drop you off, we could have fun decorating couldn't we?"

"Can I..." she hesitated, looking embarrassed. 

"What is it sweetheart?"

"Can I take a picture of you? Lily has a special picture of her and her mummy and daddy in a frame in her room and I know you're not my mummy and daddy but..." she trailed off. "It's okay if you don't want to."

"Maisie of course you can have a picture. Why don't we look on the computer to see the best ones and we'll go into town to get them printed off for you and buy a frame too, does that sound like a good plan?

Maisie looked relieved and delighted all at once and she nodded eagerly.

Yaz took Maisie into the study where her computer was that had all their photographs stored on it while the Doctor finished up what she was doing seeing as she had just lost her afternoon. With Yaz's help Maisie chose a photograph of the three of them on the beach taken a week or so before, squinting slightly in the bright sun, one from Christmas in February taken while the Doctor was still recovering from her breakdown, one of Yaz and the Doctor together that was actually taken on board the Tardis a few weeks after they first met, one of Maisie and Yaz climbing a tree together in the park and a final one of Maisie curled up in the Doctor's lap in the Beast, both of them in their pyjamas and reading Harry Potter.

"These are some great choices Maisie... do you think we could persuade Jane that we should have a fried egg sandwich in the café in town while we wait for your photos to be printed?""

Maisie's face lit up and she sprinted from the office. "JAAAAANNNNNEEEEEEEEEE......"

The café was packed, that was to be expected, it was a Saturday with only one more full week of summer holidays and there were harried parents getting kids fitted for school shoes, teenagers buying uniforms their schools would not approve of and the stationery sections of the shops were rammed. Yaz kept close to the Doctor, she had elected to walk like she did the vast majority of the time now but she was being badly jostled by the crowds and Yaz was just waiting for her to fall. She was walking holding Maisie's hand tightly with one of her own, she had no common sense and was liable to run if she got spooked, her other hand was hovering at the Doctor's elbow, ready to help if she were to fall. It was a relief when they both sat down in the café and Yaz was able to go up and order three fried egg sandwiches, three cupcakes, two mugs of tea and a lemonade. 

The food was delicious as always but Maisie and the Doctor were both struggling with the noise and over stimulation and they kept it short, heading back to collect their photographs. In one of those shops that seems to sell all sorts of junk you never knew you needed they stumbled across a section aimed at students starting university and wanting to personalise their rooms. Maisie selected some frames for her photos, but they also bought her some fairy lights, a pink and silver sequined cushion for her bed and a cat ornament that looked like Lilah. By the time they got home Maisie was planning the pictures she was going to draw for her new bedroom walls and she happily got on with it while the Doctor worked, both of them at the kitchen table and Yaz made sure she had everything packed. They had considered the idea of a small going away party but had eventually decided that it was probably better to make the minimum amount of fuss possible, they would talk to her on the phone regularly and she would be back in two weeks after all. 

Maisie was very quiet in the back of the car, cuddling Honey close to her chest. She had already spent twenty minutes fussing over Lilah who hadn't particularly appreciated her ministrations but had put up with it after a word from the Doctor. 

Meadowbanks certainly didn't look like a hospital for severely damaged children, it was an old manor house, set in enormous grounds made of elegant brick, beautiful lawns and large Georgian windows. Maisie looked intimidated and the Doctor felt a little hand reach out and hold her elbow tightly. 

They were met at the door by a young woman, about the same age as Yaz with tan skin, shiny dark hair and big green eyes. 

"Hi Maisie, my name is Nina." she said. "I'm going to be your special adult. Would you like me to show you where your bedroom is?"

Maisie hid herself behind Yaz. She had met Nina a couple of times now, but Nina always reminded her who she was, aware that Maisie had a lot of adults coming and going in her life right now. Yaz took the handle of one of the huge holdalls on wheels and Nina took the other while Maisie carried Honey and a small bag with her favourite things. 

"I'm sorry, our lift broke down over night, can you manage the stairs?" Nina asked the Doctor who looked at Yaz. 

"How far?"

"44 steps, quite shallow though." 

"Yeah I can..." but she didn't sound sure. 

She did one or two occasionally but she'd never attempted a whole flight of stairs and 44 was a lot. Yaz left the holdall at the bottom of the stairs, she could come back for it and was well aware she might need to piggy back the Doctor up them. Without being asked, Maisie let go of Yaz's hand and the Doctor stood at the bottom of the stairs trying to work out the best way. They eventually went with leaning on the bannister on one side and Yaz supporting her back with one hand and her other side with her other. Maisie very proudly took the Doctor's crutches and carried them. Yaz was having to support the Doctor more and more as they slowly climbed, her body was jerking in the way it had usually stopped doing as she had practiced walking and by the top Yaz was all but carrying her. Luckily Maisie's bedroom was at the end of a short corridor and Yaz helped her to sit on the bed where she caught her breath looking slightly grey.

"You okay?" Yaz asked urgently.

She nodded slowly. "Just give me a minute."

Nina excused herself, promising to be back soon and Yaz started to help Maisie unpack, letting her choose what went in each drawer, hanging her things in the wardrobe, toys in the toy box and school supplies in the desk. Finally, she hung the fairy lights around Maisie's bed and Maisie arranged the photograph, the one of them taken at the beach taking pride of place at the front. 

"Jane" she said suddenly. "Who's going to read to me at bedtime?" Maisie asked bursting into tears. She never let anyone else do her bedtime story, even a couple of nights were the Doctor had been too sick to read to her, Maisie had refused to allow Yaz to read her the next chapter of Harry Potter and instead she'd taken her school reading book and read to the Doctor.

"Come here Maisie Bug, I have a special present for you." Maisie sat down on her new bed, resting her head on the Doctor's shoulder and the Doctor opened a book. 

"I read you all the stories and put them on these CDs and this is a CD player. All you have to do is press this button and I will read you the chapter you want to hear, just like magic." 

"Really?"

"Of course. And when you come to see us for the weekend we'll be able to read together like we always do."

There was a knock on the door. "You settling in okay Maisie?" asked Nina, Maisie's main carer. 

"I think it's time for you to give Yaz and Jane a big hug now. They're going to phone you tomorrow night, remember?"

Maisie's lip wobbled as the Doctor pulled her into a tight cuddle and Yaz wrapped her arms tightly around the both of them. Yaz kissed her cheek and helped the Doctor to her feet. "We'll talk to you tomorrow night and see you soon sweetheart." Yaz told her positively. 

"NOOOO" Maisie shrieked. "I don't wanna stay! I wanna go home with you!" 

She grabbed the Doctor tightly round the waist and Yaz just caught her before she crashed to the ground. Nina intervened quickly, enveloping Maisie in a tight, restraining bear hug, in exactly the same way Yaz had done to her several times. Walking down the hallway and leaving her behind might have been the right thing for all of them but Yaz knew it was going to be one of the hardest things she ever had to do.

Neither she nor the Doctor said a word as they left Meadowbanks, Yaz piggybacking her down the stairs, and Yaz drove them home in silence.

Yaz normally waited for the Doctor when they got home, it always took her a minute to co-ordinate herself to move but she got out of the car, slamming the door behind her. By the time the Doctor made it into the house Yaz was already sitting on the sofa in floods of tears. The Doctor sank down next to her, allowing her crutches to fall to the floor and pulling Yaz in tightly for a cuddle. 

"I didn't think it would be that hard." Yaz admitted, still sobbing. 

"Me neither" the Doctor agreed though she wasn't crying like Yaz was. She looked numb. "But you know this is what she needs. We can't give her the care she needs. She needs more than a family, she needs serious, intensive therapy to try and undo some of the damage her father inflicted on her."

"I know. But listening to her screaming like that…”

“Yaz, she screams like that a lot.” The Doctor reminded her gently. “She doesn’t react to situations appropriately, it’s one of the reasons she’s there in the first place. This isn’t a punishment for her, it’s giving her the best chance we can to lead some sort of life as a happy adult.”

“Yeah I know…”

There was a knock on the door and the lock turned. 

"Hello?" came Graham's disembodied voice from down the hall. "Only us!"

"Living room!" the Doctor called back. 

Ryan took one look at Yaz's blotchy, tear stained face and the look of careful blankness on the Doctor's. "We knew you two would need cheering up!" he announced affectionately. "That's why we're here. We're going out."

"I don't..." Yaz started to protest. 

"No, it's a good idea Yaz. No point in sitting here moping... what were you thinking?" the Doctor interrupted.

"Picnic's in the car already..."

"He's been cooking all morning" Ryan interjected. 

"Not _all_ morning BUT we thought we could drive up towards the peaks and go for a walk or something. Clear the cobwebs so to speak."

"That sounds nice Graham." the Doctor said quickly before Yaz could protest further, knowing she needed to get her out of the house to distract her. Yaz would be fine but she had had a hard time over the last few years, entirely her fault the Doctor thought guiltily, and sometimes she just needed out of her head for a while. She pushed herself off the sofa, found her balance and followed Graham out to the car.

They drove for about an hour, Graham and the Doctor up front, Yaz and Ryan in the back. Yaz was proud of her, it took a lot for her to spend time with the boys and sit next to them without Yaz firmly at her other side and sitting next to either one of them in the confined space of a small car had been one of the things she had struggled with most but as Yaz observed her unobtrusively from the back seat she looked relaxed and confident and despite their morning, happy. 

When Graham parked his car, the Doctor accepted Ryan's hand to get out, while she might have been getting confident with her crutches she still had the grace and balance of a baby deer. When Graham handed her her crutches from the boot she accepted the right one, threading her arm through it, and, leaning on it heavily held her other hand hopefully out to Yaz who took it with a smile as the Doctor carefully braced herself to balance and set off. 

It felt _so_ good to walk normally with her again Yaz thought. Holding hands, being together without having to have her physically held up, even if she was heavily dependent on the crutches and the brace around her ankle. Yaz had no issue with her wheelchair at all but it was still nice that she didn't need it all the time anymore. 

"I think we need a picnic first, there's a nice spot just down here by the river." Graham announced.

Yaz rolled her eyes good naturedly, trust Graham to think of his stomach first. 

There were picnic benches and Yaz helped the Doctor swing her legs over the side without losing her balance while Graham and Ryan doled out sandwiches, homemade sausage rolls, cakes, crisps, fruit...

"How many people are you planning to feed Grandad?" Ryan asked as the food kept coming. 

"I know what you lot are like, bloody vultures."

"How was it this morning?" Ryan asked Yaz, helping himself to a sausage roll. 

"We're supposed to be taking their minds off it" hissed Graham. 

"It was hard." Yaz admitted, rubbing her nose. "Maisie was very upset."

"It's the right place for her cockle."

"I know that, I just didn't realise how attached I was." 

The Doctor, who was sitting next to Yaz, wrapped an arm around her and pulled her in for a side hug, kissing her lightly on the cheek and Yaz smiled slightly before scoffing a couple of custard creams that she had produced from nowhere.

"Have you started carrying those around in your pocket?" Yaz accused.

The Doctor blushed. "No... absolutely not." she liked, thoroughly unconvincingly as she stuffed another in her mouth like a hamster. 

Yaz laughed and stuck her hand into the Doctor's pocket, pulling out one triumphantly. 

"Okay maybe one..." she admitted sheepishly as Yaz elbowed her. 

They packed up the remnants of their picnic and Ryan quickly took it back to the car while the other three got up more slowly and made their way towards the river where there was a smooth, flat path that the Doctor could navigate easily enough.

They hadn’t gone far before Ryan easily caught up with them and then suddenly bolted on ahead.

“Yaz! Do you remember this place?” he asked, an excited glint in his eye.

Yaz looked around but nothing seemed overly familiar, it was just an English countryside scene. They weren’t even in the peaks really, just near them. She shook her head.

“Oh come on Yaz! We came here in Year 6, remember?”

“Oh yes! You fell in the river!”

“I didn’t fall… I jumped with style!” Ryan protested.

“Oh mate, you totally fell. Made a right idiot of yourself.”

“Started a trend though.”

“No, you went arse over tit into the stream, the rest of us paddled with dignity.”

“Oooh paddling!” the Doctor said suddenly, her eyes lighting up. “We should totally paddle!”

“Seriously Doctor? I know it’s August but it’s really not that warm.”

“Pleeeaaasssseee Yaz???” the Doctor whined, looking adorable.

“Urgh fine… but I'm not going anywhere after until my feet are properly dry this time. I hate wet shoes.”

The Doctor grinned delightedly and steered Yaz towards a convenient bench where they removed their socks and shoes.

“You coming Graham?” the Doctor asked, wrestling with her plastic foot to get the shoe off of it.

“Nah, I’ll take pictures from here though.” He offered.

Finally free from her shoe the Doctor stood up, leaving her crutch on the bench and allowing Yaz and Ryan to take one arm each, her crutch wouldn’t enjoy a river bed and would most likely sink. The significant height differences between Yaz and Ryan made her very lopsided and she had to concentrate even more than normal to make her way to the river edge and then carefully down the muddy embankment, clinging tightly to her friends for support.

“Its freezing!” Ryan shouted. “I don’t remember it being this cold!”

He was bouncing on the balls of his feet making a right song and dance about it and walked away from them a little as if trying to find a warmer patch but the Doctor had gone pale. She was biting her lip anxiously and suddenly looked very far away.

“What is it?” Yaz asked softly, turning so they were facing each other.

The Doctor contemplated, closing her eye for a moment. “I can feel it.” She admitted eventually.

Yaz was confused. “You mean your sensation is pretty good?”

“No, I mean on my right leg, I can feel the water on my right leg but I don’t have a right leg.”

She looked upset and was now squeezing Yaz’s arm uncomfortably hard.

“Doctor, look at me.” Yaz demanded gently, waiting until the Doctor finally met her gaze. “You’re not going crazy. It’s just your brain expects you to be able to feel the water so you do. Try this…”

She took hold of the Doctor’s arm and guided it towards the water, until she was bent double at the waist and holding onto her prosthetic ankle.

“Does that help?”

There was a measurable look of relief on the Doctor’s face as her fingers lightly gripped the metal pylon that was her ankle.

“Yeah, it’s like it’s sorting my brain out… clearing the wonk a bit. I don’t know. I can't feel it anymore.”

“Good.”

“It were nice though, feeling like I had two legs again.”

Yaz gave her a sad smile and squeezed her hand a little tighter. 

“Hi Lucy! Happy Birthday!” Yaz greeted quietly as they arrived at the day room where Lucy was currently sitting. “Shall we go and see your mum?”

Lucy gurgled agreeably in response and Yaz softly stroked her hands.

Emma, Jennifer’s sister, had been very agreeable to their plan and had helped make the necessary arrangements including giving Yaz and the Doctor permission to take Lucy from the care home she was living in until Jennifer could take care of her again and getting them a set of keys to Jennifer’s accessible van.

Yaz had seen Jennifer do it a couple of times but she was very glad the Doctor was there to help, the engineering part of her brain was easily able to figure out how to secure Lucy’s wheelchair into the van properly. It took them half an hour before they were satisfied and Lucy started to get agitated with all the fussing and started to cry. Yaz switched the radio on which was automatically tuned to a classical station and helped the Doctor climb in beside her rather than into the front, praying that Lucy would calm down before they arrived at the care home Jennifer was living in about ten miles away.

The traffic was heavier than Yaz had anticipated but they made it without any issues and Lucy had calmed down. Yaz hung a bag full of equipment she might need on the back of Lucy’s chair and together she and the Doctor figured out how to get Lucy’s wheelchair out to take her into the nursing home.

“Now remember Lucy, this is a surprise for your mum even if it is your birthday so we have to be quiet okay?” the Doctor told Lucy and she slipped a party hat onto Lucy’s head gently, adorned her own and she put the fourth one on Lucy’s hand for Jennifer to wear while Yaz fiddled with her own.

The Doctor went first, her crutches clicking softly against the floor while she walked and she knocked on the door gently, opening it when Jennifer called out.

“Jane, hi! I didn’t know you were coming with…” she broke off. “LUCY!” she was staring in shock apparently unable to say any more, tears flowing down her face like a river as Yaz pushed Lucy’s wheelchair as close as she could to the large recliner. Jennifer reached out stiffly, taking Lucy’s hand in her own, sobbing freely while Lucy looked entirely unconcerned and thoroughly distracted by the shiny tassel on the party hat that was still balanced on her hand. 

“How… when… how?” she asked Yaz as she regained control over herself and watched in amazement as Yaz started to unload birthday cake, a brightly wrapped present, drinks and Lucy’s ‘go’ bag from apparently nowhere.

“When you reminded me it was Lucy’s birthday I knew we had to get you two together to celebrate. I didn’t think you would be up for sitting in a car yet so Emma arranged with Lucy’s home that we could take her out for the day and to borrow your van and that’s it really.”

“Thankyou Yaz. I can't tell you how much this means to me.” Jennifer said sincerely, clasping Yaz’s hands with one of her own, the other still holding tightly to Lucy, her eyes still shining with tears of joy.

“There are far too many tears here for a birthday party aren’t there Lucy!” the Doctor interrupted. “Let’s put some music on!”

“Oh God” Yaz groaned. “Not again.”

“What?” asked Jennifer.

“She’s got the worst playlist I’ve ever heard and wants it to be our wedding playlist…”

“Yaz! These are timeless classics!”

“They’re really not.” Yaz whispered to Jennifer as _The Doctor in the Tardis_ started blaring from her phone.

Lucy promptly burst into tears.

“See!” Yaz pointed out as Jennifer placated her daughter.

“Sorry” the Doctor apologised sheepishly.

“How are the wedding plans going?”

“Not too bad, keeping things low key. Only about twenty guests I think.”

“You could have invited more of your family.” The Doctor pointed out.

“Sure, let’s invite the religious, homophobic aunt to the gay, non-denominational wedding.” Yaz rolled her eyes.

“Just saying you could, not that you have to. I don’t want you to think you can't invite people because you’re marrying me.”

“Doctor even if I wasn’t marrying you I would still be marrying a woman, Fareeda wouldn’t be coming. I'm not missing out on anything by marrying you.” Yaz reminded her, they had had some variation on the conversation several times already.

The Doctor smiled at her gratefully. 

“This cake is what we’re thinking for the wedding cake.” Yaz announced wisely changing the subject. “And I think we’re spending far too much time talking about our wedding when it’s somebody’s birthday!”

The Doctor produced a lighter from her pocket and lit the sparkler candle on Lucy’s cake. Her eyes lit up as the new sight met them and she was utterly mesmerised as the other three people sang an off-key but enthusiastic rendition of Happy Birthday to her.

Yaz cut everyone a slice and Jennifer fed Lucy licks of icing like she always did.

“Can you feed Lucy or would you like me to?” Yaz asked, glancing at her watch and realising the time.

Jennifer contemplated, “I don’t think I can get at the right angle.” She admitted painfully. “Have you done it before?”

“I’ve done Jane’s feeding tube when she had one but not a PEG feed, they’re the same principle though aren’t they?”

“Pretty much” Jennifer agreed. “I can talk you through it.”

Feeding Lucy was surprisingly easy Yaz realised though the only sound was of Jennifer’s low voice talking her though it and the hiss of Lucy’s ventilator. It was like even Lucy realised how much Yaz was concentrating and for once she was pretty quiet.

“Do you know how long you’ll have to stay here Jennifer?” the Doctor asked as Yaz washed her hands having finished taking care of Lucy who had fallen asleep.

“Not too long I hope. Done a week already, maybe another three. I have to have an assessment from work once I'm home.”

“What’s that for?” Yaz called from the ensuite.

“To see if I’m likely to be fit to come back. They might force me to retire.” She complained with a grimace.

“Do you want to retire?”

“Absolutely not. But even if I come back I’ll probably be desk bound for the most part. I would be a liability in the field.”

“Don’t count your chickens Jennifer.” The Doctor interrupted. “You were pretty much the first person to visit me after I stabilised from the brain infection when you brought Maisie over. I couldn’t walk or talk or sit or think and my brain was completely scrambled.”

Lucy started snoring loudly and Jennifer laughed affectionately. “I think she might need to go home.”

“We can bring her back to see you next week?” Yaz offered.

“I can't ask you to do that Yaz” Jennifer protested but she was still holding Lucy’s hand reluctant to let her go.

“You’re not asking, we’re offering. It’s not a bother, I’d be coming anyway.”

“You don’t have to…”

“We’ll see you next week Jennifer. All of us.”

"You're in pain." Yaz stated later that evening as they got ready for bed. 

"I'm fine." the Doctor insisted.

"No, you're not actually."

"I'm fine!" she repeated, her voice almost shrill. 

A lot of pain then. 

"Doctor this is me, don't lie to me okay? You're rubbish at it anyway."

The Doctor glared at her crossly. 

"You've done a lot of walking the last few days. Have you checked your skin for breakdown?" Yaz gently prompted her. 

"No."

"Can I look?"

The Doctor rolled her eye and sat back on the bed, propping her crutches carefully against the wall and taking off her prosthetic before lying back and allowing Yaz to look for her properly. She could feel Yaz's fingers, they were warm and soft, as they gently prodded her leg, lightly ghosting over the horrible scar where Martha had sewn her skin back together to cover the wound. 

"You've got a couple of red patches here and here" Yaz explained, lightly touching them "and a small sore just here. It shouldn't take too long to heal if you look after it."

The Doctor groaned theatrically as Yaz grabbed the necessary supplies to cover the small wound. She healed fast; it would be better in a few days. When she was done the Doctor rolled onto her side, facing away from Yaz. Yaz reached over and kissed the back of her neck before getting rid of the empty wrappers from the dressings she had used.

"What's up?" Yaz asked as she got back into bed beside her, draping her arm around the Doctor's middle.

“I just, I’ve worked so hard Yaz to try and regain some control over my life and my body again but sometimes it just feels like my body is doing everything it can to fight against me. I’m walking but it’s so hard and it feels so strange. I’m so tired of fighting all the time.” She admitted quietly.

Yaz pulled her in closer and smiled slightly when the Doctor’s cool hands grasped her own.

“I know how hard walking is for you Doctor. You don’t have to you know.”

“But I can walk now.”

“I know you can and I'm so incredibly proud of how far you’ve come to get this far, but you don’t _have_ to walk.” She felt the Doctor stiffen in her arms. “I just mean, there are gonna be times where walking is the best option but there are other times when your wheelchair is the better choice. Like our house is fully adapted love, if you want to walk around then do but don’t feel like you have to because you have something to prove. But if we’re at Ryan and Graham’s walking is probably the better option because their house is so inaccessible. You don’t have to explain or justify yourself to anybody. Do what’s best and most comfortable to you.”

Yaz leaned gently on the Doctor’s hip and she obeyed it’s pressure, rolling onto her back and then her other side, leaning into Yaz.

“I love you no matter what Doctor. I’ll tell you as many times as you need to hear it, I love you if you’re walking or rolling just the same. It makes no difference to how I feel about you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing while (slightly) high on morphine:
> 
> Yazniffer parpeefor loosiebut its all two brit and hapfree buis hu ryan huio theeeeeeeedoctor njubh bhjl I I I I I I thedogtor partyy yas maje hef go fffro a trfee but thee thrree went io pop aaand the cobwe a spidderf wentg to gth disvio but a cuapvbard has milk in it bua tmilsk likeas int the hiofirghw 
> 
> The song the Doctor plays:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvuMESOsLuQ   
> 


	96. Chapter 96

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will reply to all your lovely comments soon. As you know, I'm having a pretty tough time healthwise at the moment, offset by having to spend Christmas self isolating in a nursing home even if I am less than 30yrs old. 
> 
> Also if anyone has any thoughts or opinions on the wedding and wedding presents and really anything wedding/honeymoon related I would appreciate them very much! Literally the only thing that I've decided is the guest list and honemoon destination and I'm very stuck!
> 
> Thanks to everyone who helped me with this chapter but especially Walkerlister and emmyphant.

The Doctor was sitting in her office, impatiently waiting for her student to show up. He was failing, not because he didn't have the brains but because he simply wasn't doing the work. He was the type that she remembered well from her time at Saint Luke's, the type who relied on daddy's money to get him out of trouble, who had never really had to work hard for anything and was most likely spending all his time partying, used to coasting through on good looks, charm and money. She glanced at her watch in annoyance, he was fifteen minutes late already. 

"You shouldn't schedule them for 9am" Polly commented smugly, working her way through a stack of marking.

"They've made a commitment to a degree and are paying for it. I'm quite sure he managed to get to school on time and in a few years, he will be expected to get to a job on time." the Doctor pointed out.

Polly irritated her, she forgot she was a member of staff now and, in the Doctor’s opinion, she was far too lenient with the students, wanting them to like her and be her friend. The Doctor on the other hand, was tough and didn't accept excuses. She had high expectations of her students and expected them to rise to meet them. Steve, the late student, was in his second year now, everything he did counted towards his overall grade and she had no problems with failing him out of her course. 

Another ten minutes passed, and her calendar beeped, reminding her to go to her next class. She hadn't forgotten, the unwavering routine was finally starting to sink into her stubborn brain and was becoming easier to deal with. 

"If he turns up, tell him I need him at 8am tomorrow, it's the only time I'm free this week."

"If he can't make a 9am do you really think he's going to make 8am?"

"He will if he doesn't want to be failed out." the Doctor replied icily. She quickly tapped out an email to Steve, scheduling the appointment. No classes started at 8am so the only thing it would interfere with was his party life. Finishing the email, she slung her bag onto her back carefully, found her balance with her crutches and headed down to the classroom. The first students had already arrived, and she apologised for her lateness, opening the door to let them in.

She busied herself at the front of the room, plugging in her laptop to display the slides she needed and sitting carefully in the desk chair at the front, balancing her crutches against the desk. There were still two more minutes left before class started and she fielded a question about the assignment her Masters level students had to hand in at the end of the week, trying to ignore the beginnings of a headache. 

Bang on time as always, she scooted the desk chair she was sitting in back to the front. "Good morning everyone, let's get started...

Halfway through the lecture though, she knew something was wrong. Her vision was wavering, sound was coming and going, even that of her own voice. Her headache was suddenly impossible to ignore and her brain couldn't think straight.

Blinking blearily, the Doctor squinted at the front row of students, the only ones she could see though they were a mass of indistinct blurs. 

"Doctor Smith? Are you alright?" 

Someone was talking to her, but she wasn't sure who. She couldn't see them. The world was darkening around her. 

_Shit! What do we do?_

_Is that a seizure?_

_Who went on that training?_

_Is she dying?_

_Get her on her side._

She was on the floor. Why was she on the floor? Everything hurt, the lights were too bright and they burned her eye. She shut it again. 

"Doctor Smith?... "

She groaned. She didn't know who was talking but they were too loud. Everything was too loud. 

"Jane? Can you hear me?"

Someone was shaking her now.

Why were they shaking her?

Go away!

Where was Yaz.

"Yash?" she mumbled thickly, feeling the words get smushed in her mouth. 

_"What's Yash supposed to mean?"_

_"Yaz is first on her contact list isn't she?_

_"It's someone called Najia today?"_

That voice was further away.

_"Do we call her?"_

_"I'm on it."_

The voices were going in and out of focus. She couldn't make them make sense. It was so confusing. 

Her head ached so much.

It hurt to breathe.

Why wouldn't it stop?

_"Najia is on her way apparently."_

_"Did she say what to do?"_

_"Yeah, someone needs to go and get her wheelchair, it's in her office apparently, and then make sure she gets there safely so she can lie down. She said not to let her walk and asked if someone would sit with her until she arrives."_

_"I'll go."_

"Doctor Smith, it's Gina. Mike has gone to collect your wheelchair from your office for you and we'll make sure you get there safely. Najia is coming."

The Doctor blinked again, trying to make sense of what was happening.

"You had a seizure Doctor Smith. It was pretty long, gave us all a fright."

"Yash?" the Doctor mumbled again.

"No Doctor. It's Gina, remember? You're at the university and you've had a seizure."

Suddenly the relative quiet was pierced by a high-pitched ringing sound and she groaned loudly in an attempt to block it out. 

_"Is that her phone?"_

_"Should we answer it?"_

_"It's Yaz."_

_..._

_"She wants to talk to her, she said to put her on speaker."_

_"Doctor?"_

That was Yaz's voice. She sighed with relief.

_"It's okay if you can't talk to me love. I don't need you to. Just listen to me okay?"_

She tried to speak but all that came out were some unintelligible sounds and a lot of dribble. She groaned in frustration. 

_"Doctor you've had a seizure. You're at work and Gina has been looking after you. She's going to help you get to your office so you can have a lie down until mum comes to collect you. You're safe."_

She tried and failed to answer Yaz again.

_"Gina, are you still there?"_

_"Right here."_

_"Can you give her a tissue for her face? There's some in her laptop bag, front pocket. And thanks, she'll be back tomorrow. I have to get back to work but Najia won't be long."_

At that moment Mike arrived with the Doctor's wheelchair and he self-consciously brought it to the front. 

"Doctor Smith, can you get into your wheelchair?"

Could she? She really wasn't sure. 

She nodded anyway. 

"Where?" she groaned.

"Where's your wheelchair?"

She nodded.

Someone took her hand and rested it on the frame of her chair. She pulled it closer, forcing herself to open her eye so she could see what was happening. Most of the students seemed to have left. That was good, she didn't need an audience. The emergency kit was on the seat of her chair and she took out two of the towels, putting one over her seat and using the other to clean the floor, spraying it with disinfectant. Satisfied she had done as good a job as possible, she stared at her wheelchair. It felt like Everest. 

"Can we help Doctor Smith?" Mike asked, watching her. 

She closed her eyes. She didn't want either of them to touch her. But she wasn't going to manage on her own, she knew that.

She nodded reluctantly and felt strange hands on her. She wanted to scream.

She couldn't start screaming here.

Not at work.

She was being hoisted.

She didn't like it.

_Make it stop!_

It did stop. 

She was sitting in the familiar seat of her wheelchair and she battled to keep holding her head up. It was hard. 

She fumbled with her seatbelt, worried she might fall out and warm hands clasped hers, helping her manage. 

"I'm going to push you to your office Doctor Smith, is that okay?"

She couldn't decide if it was Gina or Mike that was speaking but she nodded anyway, too exhausted to even attempt it herself and allowed her eye to close against the harsh, fluorescent lights, just concentrating on staying upright as she was taken back to her office.

"Christ, what happened to her?"

That was Polly's voice she was sure, and she resisted the temptation to groan again, she really didn't want Polly to see her like this.

"Seizure." 

Mike. That was definitely Mike... wasn't it? 

"Is she even conscious, she's all bent over?"

Huh... apparently the sitting up hadn't gone quite to plan and she let the unfamiliar hands move her over to the sofa, someone was supporting her to lie down and then lifted her legs up for her.

"M'fi..." she muttered. 

Well that sounded convincing.

"Someone's coming to collect her, can you stay with her until then?"

"What do I need to do?"

"Nuf'in, jush... nee... slee." she attempted. 

Well at least they resembled words this time. And she wasn't dribbling anymore. It was a low bar but better than nothing. 

She heard the door close, she was on the fringes of consciousness and unconsciousness but rapidly losing the battle...

  
  


  
  


"Doctor... Doctor... I need you to wake up for me."

She knew that voice... whose was it? It sounded very far away. 

Someone was rubbing her arm. The owner of the voice maybe?

"Doctor, it's Najia. You know I can't lift you the way Yaz does so I need you to wake up for me."

"Mmm'...wake."

"I'm going to help you sit up okay?"

She nodded and felt Najia's arms wrapping around her shoulders, scooping her into a sitting position. 

"Can you transfer if I help you?"

"Yeah."

That sounded a bit more like herself. That was good. 

Najia brought her wheelchair closer and she adjusted it slightly to put it in the right position. Najia moved to stand in front of her, she was holding the backs of her trousers, her hands feeling impossibly warm against her cool skin. 

She took a few breaths to steady herself. The room was refusing to stay still.

"Ready...1...2...3..."

She was moving and at least some of it was coming from her. But they had several more transfers to make... into the car, out of it again, into bed and that was assuming she didn't shower first which she really wanted to do. She just wanted to rest.

It felt like an absolute age before Najia was helping her into a pair of clean pyjamas and taking her leg and brace off for her and by the time Najia lowered her carefully onto the pillows to sleep it off, she had already lost consciousness.

Najia fussed around the Doctor for a few minutes. She had seen several seizures, but she had never been responsible for the Doctor during or after one before and the responsibility felt overwhelming. What if she got worse? She'd seen Yaz put her on oxygen support loads of times, but how was she supposed to know when she needed that? What if she needed help to move and she wasn't strong enough to provide her with it? Najia twisted her hands anxiously and forced herself to leave the Doctor to sleep it off in peace. She could use the baby monitor in the kitchen that Yaz used. 

Consoling herself with that, Najia headed down to the kitchen for a cup of tea and opened up her laptop to get on with some work. She had been in her office in the hotel when the seizure alert had come through, but it was nothing that couldn't be handled from home. 

Najia worked for an hour before small noises of distress caught her attention on the monitor. She stared at it in alarm before her common sense kicked in and she hurried down to the bedroom, trying very hard not to panic. When she got there, the Doctor was semi-conscious, an unusual occurrence just three hours after one of her seizures, and she was panicking, gasping and struggling for breath. 

Najia stared at her in shock, she had been fine. She had been her normal, admittedly pale self. No breathing difficulties. Fine. Nania forced herself to think past her panic and remember what she was supposed to do. She fumbled for the remote control that went with the bed and sat the Doctor more upright, alarmed when she slumped sideways and stabilised her with some of the many pillows on her bed. She unwound the oxygen mask from beside the bed, she had seen Yaz do this dozens of times but she'd never done it herself. She dithered for a moment between her full mask and the nasal cannula before deciding on the full mask, knowing it gave oxygen at a higher concentration. It wouldn't hurt if she got more than she needed but it might if she didn't get enough. She secured the mask around her face carefully, it always felt wrong to touch her over the burn scars, she certainly didn't like it and they were usually causing her a not insignificant amount of pain, but breathing was more important.

It seemed to help a little, within a few minutes her face had relaxed slightly, she looked less panicked and she wasn't gasping for breath anymore. But she still didn't look right. She reached out for the Doctor's neck, feeling carefully for her pulse in her neck... it didn't feel right and she reached for the pulse point in her wrist to confirm what she was feeling, a strange, galloping beat that felt nothing like her own... though with all the health problems the Doctor had, it wasn't all that surprising that she had heart problems too although Yaz had never mentioned it which was more surprising... but as well as the strange beat it felt like it was racing... Should she call an ambulance?

The Doctor’s chest wheezed alarmingly and Najia pulled out her phone decisively. She was half way through dialling when she heard the front door bang and Yaz appeared, still dressed in her body armour and heavy work boots, apparently she hadn't even paused at the end of her work shift to change out of her uniform.

"How is she?" Yaz asked, not looking at her mum, all her attention on the Doctor. She had sat down beside her and was lightly cupping her cheek.

"She was okay, but she started struggling to breathe a few minutes ago, I sat her up and put her on oxygen but I think she needs an ambulance love, I was just about to call one, her pulse is all over the place..."

"Her pulse?" Yaz asked sharply. "What do you mean?"

"It sounds like she's got two pulses doing the samba or something in there..."

Yaz quickly checked the Doctor's pulse but it was reassuringly normal, for her at least.

"No, it's fine, that's what it's supposed to feel like."

"Yaz that's not normal... does she have a heart defect? Like a murmur or something?"

"Something like that" Yaz said vaguely, not wanting to commit to more lies.

"You should have told us."

"Sorry" Yaz muttered. 

The time had probably come to come clean... if her mum had called an ambulance for the Doctor... well the men in white suits would have been all over it, she could have found herself locked up again, experimented on, dissected even... Yaz shuddered at the thought. It didn't bare thinking about. 

"Do you need me to stay sweetheart?" Najia offered, not failing to notice how incredibly stressed her daughter looked. 

"Thanks mum, but we're okay... really" she added to her mum's disbelieving look. "She'll sleep it off for the rest of the day, we'll have something to eat later and she should be fine to go to work in the morning."

"Who's on call for her tomorrow?"

"Ryan. I know they're having a coffee after she finishes work and he's done with uni, and we'll be over for dinner tomorrow night as planned."

"You don't have to if the Doctor is too tired."

"I know mum, but she's doing a lot better at the moment, even if it doesn’t look like it right now, she'll be fine. We'll see you tomorrow."

Najia wrapped her arms around her eldest daughter tightly and Yaz relaxed into the warm embrace. 

"I love you mum, thanks for helping us."

"I love you too sweetheart, you know your dad and I will do what we can to help the two of you."

As Yaz had predicted, the Doctor was okay the next day, not perfect, she needed another decent night's sleep before she was fully functioning, but she was able to work though as it was her long day she elected to use her wheelchair instead of walking, she was slowly leaning how far she could push herself and at what point her body would simply give up and refuse to do any more. 

It had been a long day with a difficult start, Steve the student who was in danger of failing had missed the midday deadline for his assignment the day before, failed to turn up for his meeting with her and then failed to turn up for his lab. It was the final nail in his coffin, so close to the end of term there was nothing he could now do to pull his grade up to a pass mark and he had spent the best part of an hour alternating between sobbing, shouting and swearing at her in her office, begging for another chance and stubbornly refusing to believe that she couldn't give him one. It turned out that he had already failed another one of his modules, and as he was only sitting three, he had two choices, either drop out entirely or restart the year the following September. Either way, his university year was over and possibly his whole degree even though it was only November. That had been as well as a faculty meeting, three undergraduate lectures, a masters level seminar and two hours with her Doctoral student. By the time she was finally free to meet Ryan for a coffee she was exhausted.

"You alright Doctor?" Ryan asked, watching as she drooped over her tea. They were in a café on campus, reserved for mature students, postgraduate students and staff, which meant it was calmer and quieter than the other campus eateries. 

"Long day." 

"Do you need anything?"

"A nap?" she joked.

"I can take you home if you like?"

She shook her head. "Can't, Yaz is meeting me in an hour to go to her parents house. They want to discuss wedding stuff apparently."

"Bit late isn't it, you're getting married next week."

The Doctor shrugged. It was a small wedding, their circle was tiny, and she probably wouldn't cope with a big ceremony like Yaz's cousin had had a few years ago anyway. She would have done it if Yaz had wanted to, but she didn't, they weren't inviting her extended family, just her parents, Sonya, Umbreen, Ryan and Graham and Jennifer and Lucy. 

"Have you planned the honeymoon?"

"You know Yaz, it's planned to the nth degree!"

"She does that for you, you know." Ryan pointed out.

"Yeah I know." she admitted guiltily. There was a schedule stuck to their fridge already with all their travel plans, and an itinerary of what they would do each day, pictures of where they were staying. Nothing was left to chance when Yaz was in charge.

"Why don't you plan something special for her... maybe you could secretly pack her handcuffs and have some fun on your wedding night?"

"What?" she asked blankly, not getting what he was insinuating. 

"The wedding night Doctor... where you and Yaz... you know..."

She blushed crimson, suddenly realising what he was getting at and looked away. She and Yaz still hadn't... What if Yaz was expecting her to... she wasn't sure if she was ready for... that."

Yaz appeared a moment later and she jumped about a foot in the air. 

"What's the matter?" Yaz asked

"Nothing, just... daydreaming." she stuttered, Ryan's words going round and round in her brain in a swirling panic.

"You ready to go?"

"What... oh yeah I am... Are you ready?"

"To tell my parents I've been lying to them for years? No, not really."

"It's as much my fault as yours."

"No it isn't. You've always been open about who you are. I didn't want them to know and it just kept coming and now... here we are."

They had made it as far as the car and Yaz waited for the Doctor to transfer before popping the wheels off her wheelchair and putting it on the back seat.

"Your mother isn't going to slap me, is she?" the Doctor asked as Yaz got into the driver's seat. 

"I doubt it... has that happened to you before?"

"Once" the Doctor admitted.

"Because they found out you were an alien?"

"No, she hadn't learned that bit yet, when I met Rose I accidentally took her home a year late, she thought she'd been away twelve hours but it had been twelve months and her mum, Jackie, slapped me across the face."

"I don't think my mums gonna slap you. Besides this is my lie. You've always been open about who you are, it was me that never mentioned anything and me that kept it up, God we've been living together for nearly four years, and if you include the time when you were... away... we've been together for six, closer to nine for you. I've had ample opportunity, I just haven't acted on it."

They had arrived in the car park of the Khan's flat but Yaz wasn't moving.

"Do you want me to tell them?" the Doctor offered.

Yaz shook her head. "This is my lie. I have to do it."

The Doctor slowly got out of the car, leaning heavily on her crutches which she had decided to use, it wasn’t too far to walk and they were just easier in the Khan’s small flat. She and took a moment to find her balance while she waited for Yaz who was certainly taking her time and, for a change, it wasn't the Doctor's pace that made them walk incredibly slowly up to the flat. 

They stopped outside the door, the key hovering in Yaz's hands. 

"Yaz, they're your family and they love you. If anyone should be nervous it should be me."

"What are you two doing out here, we can hear you gassing from the kitchen?" Sonya asked, opening the door and giving Yaz no option to step inside though she ushered the Doctor in ahead of her, worried her arms were about to give out underneath her. They both hugged and kissed Umbreen and Najia and Yaz hugged her dad and Sonya too before they sat down at the kitchen table and were immediately plied with tea and biscuits that Hakim had made that morning that were liable to break their teeth.

"You alright sweetheart?" Najia asked, looking at her daughter's concerned face.

"I need to tell you something" Yaz admitted slowly. There was no point in waiting. She felt the Doctor take her hand under the table encouragingly and she squeezed it. 

"Okay..." Najia said slowly, exchanging a slow look with her husband.

"First off, I want to say that this isn't the Doctor's fault. I chose not to tell you the truth and she went along with it to protect me... and herself."

"Yaz you're worrying me here. Just tell us whatever it is, please."

"Nani, I think you already know... or at least you have an idea... but the Doctor isn't who she says she is, or rather, she's not who I've said she is."

"Yaz you're scaring me honestly." Najia admitted. 

"The Doctor's an alien."

Sonya burst out laughing. 

"Yaz this really isn't funny." Najia scolded.

"It's true... I met the Doctor the night of that thing on the train, do you remember? And I never went on any secondments during my probation year, we were travelling together in time and space." 

"Yaz, I'm sure you put a lot of effort into this but it's not funny. Jokes over."

"Nani, I was at your wedding in 1947, we both were and Ryan and Graham, how else do you explain that?" Yaz said desperately. 

"Prove it." Hakim demanded. 

Yaz handed over her phone, to a folder full of pictures taken on their time travelling, pictures on alien planets, sometimes with aliens they had met.

"Yaz those pictures prove nothing." Sonya said scathingly. "No offence Doctor, but if you're an alien how the hell have you ended up like you are? Can't you just go back to your own planet or whatever for treatment?"

The Doctor took a breath. "Only the bare bones of what you know is true. I was captured. I was forced into sexual slavery. But it wasn't by humans, it was by an alien race called the Mhufeist. Seven months passed for Yaz but I travel in time, I was away for more than three years for me. I was dumped here by someone that was once a friend because he deemed me unsavable, but honestly there probably isn't that much I could have done even if I had had access to better care. I've never been in an earth hospital, it wouldn't be safe for me. I look like you on the outside but my insides are different, you felt my pulse yesterday Najia. I have two hearts for a start. My leg was amputated in Yaz's bedroom by an old acquaintance, but she couldn’t stay, I haven’t had any medical care other than what Yaz has provided me with.”

“Sorry, let’s just say, just for a second here that I believe that you’re an alien. Why couldn’t you go and get medical care from your own species?” Sonya demanded.

She swallowed thickly and Yaz rubbed her leg soothingly. “My planet is gone.” She said finally. “Destroyed by war, I was telling you the truth when I said I had no family… I’m the last of my race.” She admitted carefully. There was no point in going into the complexities of the Master.

“I’m sorry but I really don’t think I can believe you. Aliens don’t exist.” Najia said firmly, shaking her head. “And I think this joke has gone on long enough. It isn’t funny.”

“I can prove it” Umbreen said slowly, speaking for the first time.

“Mum don’t be…” Najia started to say.

Umbreen held up a hand to silence her and started rummaging in her handbag. She handed Najia an envelope.

“When Yasmin said she had to talk to us I had an inkling so I brought this.”

Najia opened the envelope impatiently. Out fell three photographs and a letter, yellowed with age which Najia spread out on the table with trembling fingers.

The first picture showed Shaheen, eighteen year old Umbreen, Yaz and the Doctor on the floor of the barn in the house where Umbreen had grown up, working on each others henna. The second showed Yaz and the Doctor in the meadow with Umbreen and the third very clearly showed the Doctor officiating Umbreen’s first marriage. The letter was a dated, detailed account written by Umbreen to a close friend explaining the details of what had happened which had apparently never been sent.

“The Doctor took me to see Nani, we ended up there on her wedding day in the middle of partition.” Yaz explained quietly.

Najia was staring, at the photos, then at Yaz and the Doctor, clearly unsure of what to say. Hakim had sank back down into his seat. Sonya looked like she might throw something.

Yaz glanced at her Nani who was smiling encouragingly. It was just about the only thing keeping Yaz tethered, she wanted to run. 

“I know this is a big thing…”

“A BIG THING?” Yaz winced. It was rare Najia shouted but when she did… “WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING YASMIN UMBREEN KHAN!? IF ANYTHING YOU’VE SAID IS TRUE HOW COULD YOU DO THAT? WHAT IF YOU’D BEEN HURT? WOULD I EVER HAVE KNOWN? AND…” she rounded on the Doctor. “IF YOU’RE SOME ALIEN, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT WITH MY DAUGHTER?..”

“MUM” Yaz shouted before lowering her voice because the Doctor was already shaking as the sudden shouting match became too overwhelming for her. “This was my lie, not the Doctor’s, she went along with it to make me comfortable. But it doesn’t change anything. I’ve known who she is from the first five minutes we met, and I love her. No matter who she is and I will marry her next week.”

“Yasmin, why don’t you and the Doctor go home dear, give everyone some breathing space?” Umbreen suggested. “That way no one will say anything they might regret.”

Yaz looked at her Nani, her smile was warm, understanding and kind and Yaz knew she wasn’t being thrown out, and she embraced her warmly before putting a supportive arm around the Doctor and leading them both out. Her head was swimming and she felt sick. She hated confrontation, she dealt with it enough on the job so she hated when it erupted in her personal life too. She walked shakily down to the car, their drive home was silent.

"Yaz, your parents will come round, they love you." the Doctor reminded her as they lay in bed that night, Yaz cuddled in the Doctor's arms, she was crying silently, holding the Doctor's hand tightly. The Doctor took a breath. "And if they don't, I won't hold you to anything. If they give you an ultimatum and you want to be with them then I would understand..."

Yaz sat up, a look of fury in her eyes. "How can you even say that!" she demanded. "After everything you and I have been through together, how can you honestly even just tell me to walk out?"

"They're your family..."

"So are you! We're supposed to be getting married next week! How can you possibly think you're not my family too?" Yaz shouted in dismay.

"Yaz, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."

"Well you have! God, do you not consider me part of your family or something?"

"You're the only family I've got! You know that!"

"Then how can you be so willing to give that up?"

"I'm not! I just don't want you to ever feel like you’re tied to me!"

"Of course I'm tied to you! I'm marrying you for crying out loud! It's the whole point! I love you and I want to be with you for the rest of my life which is why I'm marrying you! That's not going to change just because my parents are struggling to accept a lot of new information."

“Don’t dismiss them like that, they’re important.” They were both shouting at each other now, sitting on opposite sides of the bed, staring at each other, breathing heavily.

“I know that!”

“I’ve lost my family Yaz. All of them gone. My parents and siblings, my wife, my children, my grandchildren... and someday I’ll lose you too. I don’t want that for you, not now and not ever.”

“Hey, we’re not going to lose them.” Yaz’s voice softened. “It was a shock, but Nani is on our side, they listen to her. And you do have a family, my mum told you ages ago, I don’t come on my own. And we have Ryan and Graham. I know we’re not your forever and that’s okay, but it doesn’t mean we can't enjoy the now while we have it.”

By the next morning Yaz had calmed down and by the time she made it out of the shower, the Doctor had made them both breakfast; there was a plate of scrambled eggs and toast on the table as well as two mugs of tea. 

"Thanks" Yaz acknowledged gratefully, kissing the Doctor’s cheek in appreciation while simultaneously eyeing up the food nervously. Her cooking skills had improved over the last year or so but they were far from good... they could be... experimental. 

"I followed a recipe." the Doctor reassured her, correctly interpreting her look of concern.

"Oh..." As Yaz well knew, her following a recipe was absolutely no guarantee of success from her even if she was more able to follow instructions now. 

She sat down full of trepidation and nervously ate a forkful of egg but surprisingly, it was actually very tasty.

"Do you still want to call in and see Jennifer this morning?" the Doctor asked. 

"Yeah, she got home yesterday, I want to take her round a few bits. I made her some freezer meals last night."

"Oh, that's what you were doing. I thought you were stress cooking or something."

"Since when do I stress cook? I think you must have me confused with Graham."

"I wasn't paying that much attention to be honest with you." the Doctor admitted. "Needed to get all the stuff ready for Polly and my doctoral student seeing as they're covering for me while we're away."

"Did you get finished?"

"Just about. E-mailed the last few bits through this morning."

"How long have you been up?"

"Couple of hours. I don't seem to be able to sleep through the night anymore."

Yaz smiled. "That's good. You're not supposed to, remember?"

"I know, think it means my brain is settling again or something... I don't think that's the word I wanted but you know what I mean."

"I do." Yaz confirmed. 

"I still want to go to bed when you do though, I am tired at the end of the day and even if I wasn't, I actually like that time out now."

"See, told you sleep was a good thing!" Yaz teased, she had had many such arguments with the Doctor on the TARDIS when they had travelled together. 

The Doctor rolled her eyes good naturedly. Truth was, she was only sleeping for about three hours a night now though she often lay with Yaz in bed for longer or read beside her. Unless she'd had a seizure, she didn't need as much sleep anymore. It was still more than she had had before she got sick, but it was an amount she could live with.

While the Doctor dealt with the breakfast dishes and went down to their bedroom to put on her prosthetic Yaz packed up the meals she had made for Jennifer. Lasagne and garlic bread, chilli and baked potatoes, curry and rice, all packed up into portions that would fit into her freezer and keep her fed at dinner time for the next two weeks so she didn't have to stand for long periods of time if she didn't feel able to. 

“You ready?” she asked the Doctor who had just walked carefully into the kitchen, using a single crutch on her right side for balance, a skill she had only really got to grips with in the last week or so.

“Yeah, good to go.”

Yaz let her go first, balancing the large reusable bag decorated with pictures of cheese as she locked the door and took the Doctor’s crutch from her and chucking it into the back seat.

When they arrived, Yaz was able to let them in with a key that Jennifer had asked her to hold onto in case of emergencies and it meant she didn’t have to get up/

When they arrived, Yaz was able to let them in with a key that Jennifer had asked her to hold onto in case of emergencies and it meant she didn’t have to get up. Yaz went straight to the kitchen to put the food in the freezer and while she was at it, made herself at home by making cups of tea and finding a packet of biscuits, even if it wasn’t that long since she had gotten up from the breakfast table.

In the living room, the Doctor and Jennifer were chatting comfortably and Yaz felt proud, it was always nice to see the Doctor more able to talk to people. Obviously she did it at work but Yaz didn’t see her in that environment and when they were out together she often opted to let Yaz to do the talking for her. But she was also… fidgety. She had been off ever since Yaz had met her the evening before to go to her parents which had been understandable but he hadn’t calmed down yet which was more surprising.”

“What’re you working on?” Yaz asked, indicating the large ball of wool on the floor and the pile of already knitted something on the floor.

“Making Lucy a blanket. She had one like this when she was little that I made for her when I was on maternity leave but it’s about the size of a pillow, this one will be big enough for her bed, seeing as I have the time.”

“How’re you getting on, being home?”

“It’s good to be here. Still got carers coming in twice a day.” She rolled her eyes. “But hoping that’ll be reduced next week when I have my appointment.” She sipped at her tea, closing her eyes briefly in pleasure. “Tastes so much better when you don’t have to make it yourself.”

The Doctor laughed, too busy eating Jennifer’s biscuits to drink her own.

“What did work say?”

Jennifer shrugged. “Not much. Got another appointment in six weeks with them where a final decision will be made. They're trying to talk me into taking retirement but I'm holding out. I’d rather go back even if I'm on desk duty but if I don’t pass their assessments on the next appointment the decision will be out of my hands.”

“Keep working on physio then.”

Jennifer rolled her eyes. “I am! I don’t want to go anywhere until I get you to Detective Yaz. You have the making of being the next leader of our little unit and I want to help you get there.”

Yaz blushed scarlet, stuttering something unintelligible.

“You do Yaz!” Jennifer insisted. “You’re incredible at your job. You’ve achieved so much in the few years you’ve been there, all the more impressive when you consider how much time you’ve had to take off and how many other things you’ve had competing for your time.”

As Yaz drifted into comfortable, banal chat with Jennifer she was aware of the Doctor zoning out beside her. One hand was fidgeting anxiously with the hem of her top, the other holding a half-eaten biscuit. It wasn’t unusual for her to find social situations difficult but she was usually better at hiding it and she was usually fine with Jennifer who was always able to make people feel at ease.

They were interrupted by the shrill ring of Yaz’s phone.

“I’m sorry, it’s Vera I have to take this.” Yaz excused herself, heading out to the privacy of the kitchen. She made it a point to never discuss work, especially an unknown call, when the Doctor was in the room, she was too easily triggered and it wasn’t fair on her.

“Jane are you alright?” Jennifer probed, watching the other woman’s anxiety increase a couple of notches.

She didn’t reply.

“Jane?” Jennifer called, slightly more loudly.

The Doctor jumped, looking round and taking a moment to ground herself. 

“Is everything alright?” Jennifer enquired gently.

“What? Oh… yeah I’m fine.”

“Funnily enough Jane, that doesn’t really convince me. I’ve been a police officer for more than thirty years.”

The Doctor smiled politely but didn’t respond.

“I'm very good at listening.” Jane probed. “And unless you tell me you’ve committed a crime or I think you’re a danger to yourself or someone else, whatever you tell me can remain in the strictest confidence. I won’t even tell Yaz if you don’t want me to.”

The Doctor eyed her carefully. “It’s nothing.” She said eventually. “Just something Ryan said… made me… about marrying?”

“Are you having cold feet?”

“Cold feet?” the Doctor looked down as if she expected her feet to be submerged in an ice-bath or something.

“I mean, are you having second thoughts about the wedding?” Jennifer explained quietly.

“No! Of course not! I want to marry Yaz…”

“But?”

“But… I'm just worried Yaz might have certain…” she floundered as she struggled to think of the right words. “certain… expectations.”

“Expectations? Of the wedding? Of you? Of married life?”

“Of me… after the wedding…” she trailed off, blushing furiously. 

“Ah. Have you talked to Yaz about it?”

The Doctor shook her head.

“You don’t need to tell me about your personal life, not if you don’t want to, but I don’t think Yaz is going to expect things from you that you wouldn’t be comfortable with. But it’s a very important part of your marriage to be open and honest with each other. If you think Yaz is looking for something you’re not comfortable with, you have to tell her. No matter what it is.”

If it was possible, the Doctor blushed even more and she stared at her knees. “Yaz and I haven’t… since I got back I mean… we haven’t… I haven’t been able to…”

“You haven’t had sex?” Jennifer asked bluntly.

The Doctor shook her head. “I just… its not that I don’t love her or want to be with her because I do, more than anything in the universe but the though of… that… ever happening again. I just don’t think I can separate what I want to do with her with what I was… forced to do.” She admitted quietly.

“That’s a very normal feeling Jane. I work with women like you every day.” Jennifer said gently. “For some women, they do go on to being able to have healthy relationships with their partners. Others have a very unhealthy relationship with sex and seek out inappropriate and dangerous behaviours and experiences while others feel like it’s not something they can ever do again.”

“But what if I can't ever do… that. That’s not fair on Yaz.”

“Jane, Yaz knows you. She knows you haven’t had sex yet. I can't imagine for one moment she’s expecting it to happen on your wedding night just because the two of you signed a piece of paper.”

“But what if I can't ever…”

“Yaz knows you. She knows that’s a possibility. Having sex is only one part of a relationship and there are other ways to be intimate… do you do other things to be close?”

“I…”

“I mean, do you kiss? Cuddle? Touch? Look?”

“Yeah.” The Doctor whispered, mortified.

“Then it’s not like you’re not expressing your love and affection in other ways. But you need to talk to Yaz about this Jane. If it’s got you this worried, you need to tell her.”

“I know…”

“What do you know?” Yaz asked, walking back into the room.

“I was just explaining how my knitting works.” Jennifer lied smoothly, capturing Yaz’s attention to show her the pattern she was working on while giving the Doctor a chance to compose herself.

They stayed at Jennifer’s for a couple of hours like they usually did but as they were about to pull into the driveway she froze, braking suddenly.

“What’s happened?” the Doctor asked sharply, seeing the panic on Yaz’s face as she braced herself against the dashboard.

“My parents” Yaz muttered by way of an explanation, nodding at the car parked in the driveway.

“Oh…”

Yaz drove carefully into the driveway, delaying as long as she could but, inevitably, she had to get out of the car and face the music. Her parents and Sonya were already out, waiting silently as Yaz offered the Doctor her arm to help her up.

“Can we come in?” Hakim asked as the two parties met at the bottom of the ramp.

“Only if you can agree that there will be no shouting.” Yaz said shortly.

“Agreed.”

The Doctor kept hold of Yaz’s arm as they walked up the ramp together, more for providing Yaz with emotional support than anything else and Yaz steered them into the kitchen though she didn’t sit down.

There was an uncomfortable silence for a moment and Yaz slipped her hand into the Doctor’s who squeezed it reassuringly in response.

It was the Doctor Najia addressed when she spoke.

“You say you’re an… alien.”

“Yes.”

“Are you from Mars?”

The Doctor smirked. “No. I was born on a planet called Gallifrey in the constellation of Kasterborous. My race is called the Time Lords because we can travel in time, they always were a pompous lot.”

“You have a spaceship here?”

“She’s called a TARDIS, it stands for Time and Relative Dimension In Space. My gr… a friend made it up.”

It was Yaz’s turn to provide the reassurance.

“Prove it.”

The Doctor glanced at Yaz, holding a silent discussion.

“It’s through here.” She said finally, moving away from the counter and walking out to the garage with Yaz, the Khan’s in tow.

“Doesn’t look like much.” Sonya said, sounding incredibly let down.

“You both travelled in… that… with Ryan and Graham? There’s barely room for one in there.” Najia said scathingly.

“Don’t be rude, you’ll offend her.” The Doctor scolded lightly, stroking the wood of the TARDIS apologetically while simultaneously unlocking the door and stepping reverently inside.

The TARDIS interior had changed a little since she had been back on earth. Gone were the beehive steps to her inner depths, the area now flat. Gone were the four steps up to the console which had been replaced by a ramp with a handrail. Gone was the grated floor which would have caught both her castors on her wheelchair and her crutches, instead replaced with a smooth covering in precisely the same colour. Seats had appeared unobtrusively and a bar had appeared around the console. If you didn’t know you would say it was part of the original design, purely decorative but it provided excellent support if she took a notion to tinker with the controls. Less obvious was that the TARDIS was now all the more considerate about moving rooms closer together and to where they needed to be. The TARDIS was ready, even if the Doctor wasn’t.

As she walked in, she immediately felt the telepathic link she always had with her ship strengthen and the TARDIS beeped in concern for the Doctor’s present emotional state.

_I'm okay. Promise._

The Khan’s had stopped, struck dumb as they stared around them.

“Welcome to the TARDIS, best ship in the universe.”

“But it’s… bigger on the inside.”

The Doctor grinned. “I love it when people say that!” she said to Yaz. “It’s my favourite part.”

“How can it be bigger on the inside?”

“It’s a conspiracy.” Muttered Hakim.

Yaz groaned quietly. “It’s not a trick. It’s not a conspiracy. It just… is.”

“What did you call it again?”

“Don’t call her an ‘it’. That’s really rude!”

“You make it sound like it has feelings.”

“ _She_ does have feelings, she’s sentient. We have a strong telepathic connection.”

“You’re telepathic?” Hakim asked slowly.

The Doctor nodded.

“You can read minds?” Najia asked, horrified.

“Umm… yeah. Wasn’t going to alarm you with that. I'm a touch telepath though, have to be touching you for it to work and I don’t go round reading minds for the fun of it either while we’re on the subject. I’m in control of it. I don’t go round doing it willy nilly… I don’t think I should say that again.” She added, addressing the last part to Yaz.

“Maybe not.” She grinned.

“Is this it?” asked Sonya in amazement, her eyes lighting a little.

“Umm no, she’s infinite. Anything you could ever need or want on this ship.”

“So how often do you and Yaz disappear without telling us?” Najia demanded.

“We don’t. Not anymore. I haven’t flown her since I was taken. I'm not ready.” The Doctor answered slowly, feeling the TARDIS send calming waves through her mind and Yaz rubbing her lower back.

“And when you do, is Yaz safe?”

“I promise you Najia, I will protect Yaz with my dying breath if that’s what it takes. But no, I can't guarantee her safety.”

“Mum” Yaz interrupted before Najia could protest. “I'm a police officer. I walk into dangerous situations every day. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Anything could happen. But I'm with the Doctor. I love her and she loves me, and we will get married on Monday. _Nothing’s_ going to change that. Besides, right now we’re living here in ordinary domesticity. We have family and commitments here. _But_ if that changes then, assuming the world won’t end while I do so, I promise to tell you before I go anywhere.”

Najia stared at her for a long while, then at the Doctor.

“She’s the only oldest daughter I have. She is _so_ important to me. On earth or not, just promise me one thing.” She said to the Doctor finally.

“Anything.”

“Love her. Above everything and anything else love her and cherish her.”

“Every second of every day.” The Doctor replied sincerely. “Can’t have my universe without Yaz.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just 4 chapters to go :(


	97. Chapter 97

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Emmyphant, Walkerlister and Shambling, without whom this chapter would not exist.

“Oooft.” The Doctor couldn’t help but let out a small groan at the impact.

_What on earth?_

“It’s the wedding day!” Maisie screeched in her ear, having apparently just jumped on her.

Of course it was Maisie. Her brain was rapidly catching up. Maisie was bouncing up and down in excitement on the bed and beside her Yaz was looking just as thrilled about their rude wake-up call as she felt.

Maisie had arrived the afternoon before and would be heading back to school the next day though she was very jealous to be missing out on the honeymoon. She might have been twelve years old (nearly thirteen) but developmentally both physically and mentally, she was still only about seven. Didn’t stop her being heavy though when she was sitting on your ribcage and it was a relief when she got up so the Doctor could move.

“Get up! Come on! You’re getting married!” Maisie cheered, almost vibrating with excitement.

“Can you pass me my wheelchair Maisie?” the Doctor asked, noticing how Maisie had carelessly shoved it out of her way as she had bounded in. But seeing as she was currently more over excited than she had been on Christmas morning, the Doctor didn’t comment. And the sheepish look on Maisie’s face showed that she knew she shouldn’t have done that.

The Doctor easily sat up and get into her chair, heading directly for the bathroom for a shower. Behind her she could hear Yaz sleepily shrugging on her dressing gown and padding down to the kitchen to make some breakfast.

She took a deep, calming breath.

She was getting married today.

How in the universe had that happened?

It was a good thing, especially after the last four years, well seven really. Actually, it was almost four years to the day, the anniversary of the Master dumping her in Yaz’s garden was three days away, when they would be on their honeymoon. She’d never had a honeymoon before. And she might have been married before but never like this. It was both terrifying and exhilarating at the same time.

By the time she had made it out of the shower and got dressed Yaz and Maisie had made a cooked breakfast, a rare treat in their house but the timings of the day meant they would have an early dinner after the ceremony and a supper at the end of the night before everyone went home. She glanced again at her detailed schedule that was stuck to the fridge, now well-read but comforting none the less.

“Jane! Yaz says we can go to the park if you say it’s okay! Can we? Please please please?” Maisie begged as soon as she appeared.

The Doctor raised her eyes at Yaz. “Isn’t the bride supposed to spend all day getting ready?” she asked.

“You’re a bride too, remember?”

“Oh yeah” she grinned self-consciously. “Never been a bride before!”

Yaz rolled her eyes. “Besides, spending all day doing my hair and makeup really isn’t my style. What we have on the schedule is more than enough time no matter what Sonya says.”

“Pleeeeeease can we go to the park?” Maisie asked again.

The Doctor pretended to think about it.

“Okay” she agreed. “But not until we’ve all had breakfast and washed up.”

Maisie sighed exasperatedly. “You’re so boring” she groaned but she did as she was told, eating a mammoth breakfast of turkey bacon, sausages, beans, toast and scrambled eggs washed down with a huge glass of orange and mango juice. She was definitely having some sort of growth spurt or something, about time too. She was barely taller than the Doctor was when she was in her wheelchair.

With the dishes done, Yaz produced the Doctor’s seizure medication the TARDIS provided for her in a large, silver needle.

Maisie shuddered. “That’s so gross.” She complained, covering her eyes as Yaz calmly injected the Doctor in her arm.

“It might be gross Maisie Bug but now I have less seizures I have way more time and energy to hang out with you.”

“I suppose.” She agreed with a heavy sigh. “But Yaz isn’t allowed to stick me with _any_ needles.”

The Doctor was already dressed so she volunteered to do the dishes while Yaz and Maisie went to get ready, if not for the day, at least for the morning.

They were within walking distance to the local park, although they normally went to the bigger one on the outskirts of town, but Yaz’s car was already packed with her own and Maisie’s dresses and a host of other bits for the day that she didn’t want to disturb.

Maisie chattered happily on the way, swinging on Yaz’s hand and happy that the Doctor was in her chair because it meant she was faster than walking. As soon as they were through the gates, Maisie was off, abandoning the two adults with carefree, childhood abandon, her hair flying out behind her as she made a beeline for the swings.

“Anyone would think this was her wedding rather than ours.” Yaz commented, watching Maisie shriek excitedly.

“She’s never been to a wedding before.”

“She had me up twice last night because she couldn’t sleep, she was so excited.”

“You too? I was up with her as well. Glad we invested in that stair lift though, the thought of having to put my leg on every time or crawling up there is not appealing.”

“It was necessary, she’s going to be here more so we both need to be able to get up to her room.” Yaz shrugged. She wasn’t happy with the Doctor crawling either, still remembering when she had crawled up the stairs in their old house and fallen down them again.

They went quiet for a moment, simply being together watching Maisie play.

“Hey Doctor?” Yaz said suddenly, looking down at her partner.

“Yeah?”

“We’re getting married today!” A little shiver ran up her spine as she said it.

The Doctor grabbed her hand. “I know.” She whispered. “It hasn’t quite sunk in yet for me though.”

“I know what you mean.” Yaz agreed. “Me neither. But we’re in it together and that’s all that matters.”

“Hey Yaz, I love you.”

“Love you too. Forever.”

Maisie ran up to them. “Come and do the bowl swing with me!” she demanded, grabbing both their hands and dragging them forward though she let go of the Doctor’s when she was satisfied she would come on her own. Maisie scrambled in on her own and with help from Yaz, the Doctor climbed in too. Yaz started them off with a huge push before she jumped on to join them, laughing as Maisie clutched her tightly.

They stayed in the park for an hour before Yaz called time, insisting that they go home. She and Maisie both needed a shower before heading off to the wedding venue where they would get dressed and ready. Sonya had managed to wear Yaz down and was in charge of hair and make-up though the Doctor was relieved that she would be spared that particular torture. Though she knew it was only because make up only made her facial scarring look worse while the little hair she did have would be hidden under a headscarf like it always was.

When they got back to the house both Yaz and Maisie went off for showers, both of them dressing in joggers and jumpers and by the time they were both ready to go, Najia had arrived and greeted everyone warmly. She had her hair done and make-up on but wasn’t dressed.

“How are you sweetheart?” she whispered to the Doctor.

“Nervous” she admitted “But excited.”

“Good. Exactly the right response.”

The Doctor was relieved that Najia seemed to be so… normal. She’d been a bit off ever since she had found out about who the Doctor really was, but she seemed to be putting that behind her, and hopefully for good and not just for the day. The Doctor accompanied Yaz to the door, kissing her goodbye.

“I’ll see you in an hour or so.” She whispered into Yaz’s chest, taking a moment to rest her head against Yaz’s chest, appreciating the comforting hug.

“I’ll be there.” Yaz kissed her again and took Maisie’s hand, leaving the Doctor with Najia who was going to help her get ready.

The Doctor flicked her wheels and pivoted in the hallway, heading down to the bedroom. Najia was already there, she had just pulled the suit she was planning to wear out of the wardrobe and had unzipped it from its bag.

“I’d forgotten how amazing this suit is.” She commented, hanging it carefully on the wardrobe door and eyeing it critically. “I don’t think it needs ironed luckily, you’ve looked after it well.”

The Doctor nodded mutely, it all felt very real now as she stared at the suit. It was different to what she normally wore as a woman, and yet very familiar, especially to her twelfth self who had always been dapper to set off the attack eyebrows.

“You doing okay Doctor?” Najia asked.

The Doctor nodded again, not trusting herself to speak.

“I was the same before I married Hakim.” Najia reminisced. “I didn’t sleep a wink the night before. I was up trying on my dress in the middle of the night.”

The Doctor smiled. “I don’t think either of us have done that.”

“It’s different for you two. You know exactly what you’re letting yourself in for. All that changes today is a piece of paper to make it legal. You already live together. You’ve been through the worst times of your lives together. You’re going to be incredible.”

“Thanks Najia.” The Doctor murmured. She appreciated Najia’s bracing words of comfort.

The Doctor allowed Najia to help her get dressed, despite the reassurances, she was shaking. While she put on a nice underwear set that Umbreen had made her for the occasion, Najia wrestled with her plastic foot to put on the shiny black brogues with rainbow laces.

“That’s harder than it looks!” she said, handing it over.

“There’s definitely a knack to it” the Doctor explained, strapping it into place on her thigh. “I have to get Yaz to help me with it half the time but then I don’t really tend to change my shoes.”

Najia helped her fasten the button on her trousers that she couldn’t manage and then did all of the tiny, fiddly buttons down the shirt. Next step was the braces, bright yellow just like she had worn before she met the Mhufeist and finally a black jacket. Najia fastened her black bowtie and tied a new, burgundy scarf around her head neatly, before offering the Doctor her hand to help her to her feet.

“You look wonderful!” Najia told her. Allowing the Doctor to lean on her arm, she walked her over to the mirror.

The Doctor had to admit, it was a good suit. Umbreen had tailored it to perfection, the slim legged trousers, so different to the style she normally wore, fitted her perfectly but also completely hid the fact that she had a prosthetic leg. The white shirt was frothy and feminine, far more feminine than she usually went but she couldn't help but love it. It showed off the curves she was still getting used to, but the high neckline and long sleeves also disguised the scarring on her neck and arms. The black jacket was perfection, with wide lapels, shiny buttons that didn't actually fasten while the slightly shimmery bowtie was the icing on the cake.

But it was the yellow braces that were her favourite part. She hadn’t worn braces for a long time, they weren’t comfortable in her wheelchair. But now she didn’t need it, or at least not full time, and in a weird way, fastening on those yellow braces was almost like reclaiming a small part of herself. Like telling the universe that the Doctor was still here. She hadn’t gone anywhere. And now she had Yasmin Khan at her side, she was unstoppable. She grinned lopsidedly at her own soppiness in the mirror. They were just braces.

“Are you ready to go?” Najia asked, supporting her back into her wheelchair and handing her her crutches.

“Yeah… I think.”

“You have the rings?”

The Doctor panicked for a moment and then saw the expression on Najia’s face. “Don’t tease, you know as well as I do that Yaz has them!”

“Sorry, that wasn’t kind. Let’s go!”

Najia pushed the Doctor out to her car while she held onto her crutches. The Doctor pocketed the key in the top pocket of her suit jacket. Next time she used it, she would be married.

Having passed the Doctor off to Ryan who was officially on ‘keeping the Doctor from freaking out duty’, Najia knocked on the dressing room door and let herself in. She had been expecting chaos, but it was calm. There was jazz music playing quietly. Yaz was sitting in a chair while Sonya was working with her sister’s hair and Maisie, who had set herself up on the floor, was busy drawing what appeared to be the Doctor and Yaz in their wedding outfits – she had used a lot of creative licence, drawing both women in huge, meringue style white dresses. The sort Najia knew neither women would be caught dead in.

“Najia!” Maisie cheered. “Yaz! Najia’s here!” she announced unnecessarily.

“So I see sweetheart. Go ahead.” Maisie leapt up excitedly and Najia looked at her daughter questioningly. “I told her she couldn’t get dressed until you were here.” Yaz explained. “I hope it’s okay but she really wants you to help her because you helped the Doctor and will help me.”

“Course I will!” she told an excited Maisie who threw her arms around her in thanks.

“This is my dress, do you like it?”

“It’s beautiful Maisie, you’re going to look lovely.” Najia reassured her, as Maisie stripped off and held out her arms, ready for Najia to slip the dress over her head. The skirt was made of a rustly cream coloured material and reached to her mid shins. The top half was burgundy to match Yaz’s dress with short sleeves and it had a satin, burgundy bow and burgundy shoes to wear. Sonya had already done her hair, curling her nut-brown hair into soft ringlets and securing it in a half up, half down style with a rose gold clip. 

Satisfied, Maisie sat down patiently, watching as Sonya finished up Yaz’s hair. She had styled it into a thick, loose braid which had somehow enhanced Yaz’s natural waves, softening around her face with rose gold coloured flowers woven elegantly through it. Yaz put on her own dress, allowing Najia to zip her up and help her into her shoes. Her dress was ankle length, a rich burgundy chiffon at the top and floaty chiffon for the skirt. The bodice had beautiful, intricate beading and she wore a matching pair of low heels. She liked that the Doctor was taller than her when she stood, she didn’t want to change that having spent most of the last few years towering over her.

“Mum, are you crying?”

“No” Najia sniffed.

Yaz pulled her in close. “I love you mum.”

“You’re going to ruin your dress.” Najia wailed.

“Don’t care.”

They were saved by a knock on the door and Ryan opened it slowly, pushing the Doctor who for some reason was still holding her crutches rather than having put them down somewhere. Ryan took them off her so she would have them for after the ceremony, kissed her on the cheek and left as their few guests were arriving.

“I didn’t look… but you look lovely Yaz!” he shouted as he shut the door.

Yaz laughed and turned to face the Doctor. She took a moment just to admire her and how incredible she looked, feeling the Doctor scrutinise her in the same way.

“You look incredible.” She complimented. She did too, the tailored black suit was stunning and highlighted her slim, curvy frame.

“Nothing on you Yaz, you look… wow.” Her dress suited her, making her look taller and more confident somehow.

“I think that’s our cue.” Najia interrupted, leaving and dragging Sonya with her. “You three have ten minutes before we start.”

Yaz wrapped her arms around the Doctor’s neck, holding her close for a moment and allowing the Doctor to hold her tightly at the waist.

“I love you.” Yaz murmured into the Doctor’s scarf.

Maisie, who had got very quiet, pushed between them and climbed onto the Doctor’s lap, tucking her head under the Doctor’s chin.

“You alright Maisie bug?” the Doctor asked, brushing her hand through Maisie’s curls.

“It’s a lot of people, what if I mess up?”

“You won’t mess up.” The Doctor reassured her.

“But what if I do!” Maisie insisted. Yaz could tell she was on the verge of tears. The therapy she received at school helped but she still had a lot of problems processing, regulating and understanding her emotions.

“Then we will love you just the same. No one will laugh or think it’s silly, we’re just so proud of you for doing it okay.”

Maisie nodded looking only marginally less worried and slipped off the Doctor’s lap, going to Yaz instead who wrapped an arm around her.

“We’re proud of you Maisie. I know you can do this.” Yaz whispered into her ear.

There was a knock on the door and a member of staff stuck her head in. “Whenever you’re ready.” She said pleasantly before ducking out.

“Ready?” Yaz asked the Doctor who had suddenly paled ever so slightly.

She answered with a kiss. “Always.” She replied simply.

The Doctor allowed Yaz to help her stand, moving a little stiffly as she always did as she hobbled her first few steps before settling into an easier gait and they slowly walked out of the dressing room and into the main room where the ceremony and reception would take place.

They were in industrial Sheffield, less than a mile away from the warehouse where the Doctor had accidentally kidnapped them from, in a beautiful old mill. Its gorgeous brick interior had been transformed with fairy lights and flowers, softening it’s hard lines into a warm and cosy space. It wasn’t huge, there were only a handful of them after all, but it was perfect for _them_.

The first strains of music started and Maisie walked in ahead of them. There was no aisle, there weren’t enough guests to warrant it. Instead everyone was sitting in a circle, the celebrant at the top behind a table and Maisie proudly walked through the middle, smiling bashfully. When she had reached the top and sat down in her seat beside Najia the music changed and everyone stood up respectfully. There wasn’t much room for tradition in this wedding and Yaz and the Doctor walked in together, the Doctor leaning on Yaz’s arm as her only support. Yaz had shunned the idea of being ‘given away’, she was no one’s property, they wanted to start this marriage as it would continue, together. And the circle was apparently a Gallifreyan tradition.

Yaz could feel the heat in her cheeks as her closest family and friends watched proudly. Her Nani and mum were both in tears already and she forced herself to just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other, if she tripped they would both end up on the floor which really wasn’t how they wanted their wedding to begin, it would be as much a bad luck omen as Prem’s watch being broken.

It felt like it took an age to reach the head of the circle where there were two chairs waiting for them. They sat and their guests around them sat too.

Yaz decided she liked the idea of the circle. She was so nervous she could barely hear the celebrant but, sitting there holding the Doctor’s hand, she felt surrounded by love and support and family.

She vaguely snapped back to reality as Maisie nervously made her way to the front, book in her hand. They had asked her if she would like to read something and she had responded with a resounding yes and then spent hours looking at books with the Doctor to find the perfect one reading. She looked so much younger than her twelve years as she stood at the front, putting a picture book on the table.

“This is from a story called Personal Penguin by Sandra Boynton.” Maisie began, her words shy and anxious but clear. She had spent hours practicing, reading to absolutely anyone who would listen, multiple times usually. 

_'I like you a lot._

_You’re funny and kind._

_So let me explain what I have in mind._

_I want to be Your Personal Penguin._

_I want to walk right by your side._

_I want to be Your Personal Penguin._

_I want to travel with you far and wide.'_

Yaz and the Doctor were both grinning with pride, she had read perfectly and she hugged them both on the way back to her seat. And it was far more poignant than Maisie would realise.

But then Yaz’s thoughts were interrupted by the Doctor tugging at her hand… right, she should be standing now. She got to her feet, helping the Doctor to hers and stood to face her, her hands lightly gripping the Doctor’s wrists to help her keep her balance.

The Doctor went first.

“Yasmin Umbreen Khan, I love you more than words can ever say, across the universe and back. You came into my life at a time when I needed a friend the most, without you I would have been lost. No one can say our journey together has been an easy one, we’ve been through more together in the last few years than most couples have to contend with in a lifetime. But that has proved to us Yaz, that we are stronger, better together. Which is why I am confident to stand here today in front of family and friends and make a solemn promise to you. To love you, no matter what. Whatever happens, I will be there for you and support you in every way that I can. To help you, to care for you and to be with you.”

Yaz found that she was crying as the Doctor slipped a simple white-gold band onto her left ring finger. It was her turn.

“Doctor Jane Smith, we can't say our relationship has been conventional, but then, neither are we. I fell in love with you quite possibly the moment you came crashing into that train carriage and I never stopped. Even when times have been hard, knowing that I have you by my side has got me through them. I love you so much and I am with you for as long as we can be together. No matter what life might throw at us, no matter what is around the corner, I will always be here for you.”

She slipped a band matching her own over the ring finger on the Doctor’s right hand.

And they kissed. Sweet and tender and perfect.

There was music playing as they signed their marriage certificate and then the celebrant stood again. “Before we finish, I understand that Yasmin and Jane have one more thing they need to say. Maisie, can you come up for me?”

Yaz held out her hand for Maisie who looked very shy and unsure and she latched onto Yaz’s hand and then took hold of the Doctor’s too.

“Maisie” the celebrant began. “Yasmin and Jane have made very special promises to each other today. They have promised to always love each other and always be there for each other. Now they want to make a promise to you too.”

The three of them stood again, this time standing in a little circle, Yaz and the Doctor both holding one of Maisie’s hands and the Doctor leaning on Yaz’s arm again.

It was the Doctor who spoke. “Maisie, Yaz and I promise that just like we are always there for each other, we will always be there for you too. No matter what happens and no matter how scary things might seem, we will both be there to support you and we will always love you too.”

Maisie didn’t say anything but her big, solemn eyes began to cry and, mindful of the Doctor who was still relying on her for support, Yaz bent down and drew Maisie into her arms, picking her up so the three of them could hug. Standing there, the three of them, felt so very right.

Ryan had appeared from nowhere and subtly handed the Doctor one of her crutches so she could move around independently before they were corralled by the photographer, a good friend of Graham’s who had given them a good deal. There was a raised platform at the back of the space, it’s naturally stunning architecture, exposed beams, fairy lights and flowers making it the perfect, photographic spot and the photographer ushered them over there, demanding poses in various combinations, Yaz and the Doctor, Yaz, the Doctor and Maisie, Yaz the Doctor, Ryan and Graham, Yaz, the Doctor and the Khans and numerous other combinations. Maisie insisted on a photo of her and Lilly, who had just arrived for the party, so she could take it back to school with her and the small numbers meant that they were able to have a couple of photographs of the whole party too.

While the photographs were taken the staff in the venue worked efficiently to transform it into a dining space. Because there were so few of them, they were able to share one large table. Yaz and the Doctor were seated at the head of the table with Maisie on the Doctor’s left and Lilly beside her. They were joined on their side of the table by Graham, Ryan and Sonya. Opposite them were Najia, Hakim, Umbreen and a lady who had introduced herself as Helena and was Lucy’s carer from the home she was living in. Lucy herself was parked between Helena and Jennifer who occupied the other short end of the table. It made for a cosy set up and Yaz was glad they hadn’t gone for anything more formal. This was perfect.

The first course was served quickly and Yaz realised she was starving as they tucked into plates of roasted Mediterranean vegetable tarts which were delicious followed by what was possibly the best salmon she had ever eaten.

She was aware of what some of the staff were thinking about. They felt sorry for her she knew, such a tiny wedding party, marrying someone who looked like the Doctor did… The Doctor had overheard someone making comments about her wheelchair and her scars earlier in the day which they had both elected to ignore. Their opinion didn’t matter. They thought she was settling or marrying for a reason other than love. But she had already decided she didn’t care. No one else’s opinion mattered, because Yaz knew that sitting beside the Doctor like this, surrounded by their friends and family, a ring on her finger, it felt perfect. 

For the Doctor, the best part of the meal was the dessert bar. Yaz had never had much of a sweet tooth and had been happy to leave the decision to the Doctor but in typical fashion she had been totally unable to make a decision and instead they had settled for a selection of desserts cut into small servings and everyone could help themselves. The Doctor, to no one’s surprise, had some of everything and Yaz knew she would spend the rest of the day on an over excited sugar rush.

Yaz was just thinking that they were ready for wedding cake when her dad stood up. Straight away she realised he was going to make a speech and internally she groaned. She hated being the centre of attention but apart from that, if her dad made a speech, it only drew attention to the fact that the Doctor didn’t have anyone to make a speech on her behalf. She felt panicked for a moment until she caught Graham’s eye and he patted the breast pocket of his suit with a small nod and Yaz realised he was planning to speak too. When Graham and Hakim had discussed it, she had no idea but she didn’t have time to ponder the matter as Hakim started speaking.

“I think everyone here knows everyone but I just wanted to start thanking everyone for coming to help us celebrate the wedding of Yaz and the Doctor. As you know, they have requested no gifts but have nominated The Brain Injury Trust as their charity of choice. As everyone knows, this is a cause that is very important to them both and on their behalf, I would like to thank anyone who has made a donation to them.”

“As her parents, Najia and I have always hoped that we would some day be able to celebrate Yaz’s wedding but something you may not know is that this is not Yaz’s first wedding. In fact, we have photographic evidence of Yaz marrying Ryan when she was seven years old, dressed in her mother’s white dressing gown.”

Yaz blushed bright red when a photograph of her and Ryan as kids flashed up on the screen. They were holding hands and showing off their paper rings proudly but everyone else laughed.

“While we were surprised when Yaz came home one day and announced that she was dating a woman, we can say that we couldn’t ask for a better daughter in law, and I would like to take this opportunity to welcome you to the family Doctor…”

Beside her, the Doctor welled up a little and Yaz grabbed her hand in support. Family meant everything to her, and she had been so alone for so long. Yaz knew it would mean the world to her to hear Hakim saying that.

“… My beautiful daughter, you’ve always made me proud. From the first time your teacher phoned me to tell me you had been in a fight defending another child to becoming one of the youngest sergeants in the county to caring for and sticking by your partner through thick and thin. But today I am so proud of you darling, making a lifelong commitment to the woman you love, committing to go through all of life’s hurdles together, hand in hand. There are few couples out there that have survived what you two have already been through but that only shows how you’re stronger together. So, I would like to propose a toast. To Yaz and the Doctor, for a long, happy and healthy future together.”

Everyone stood and raised their glasses and Yaz broke away, hugging her dad tightly while everyone except Graham sat down. He cleared his throat awkwardly and lifted out a slightly crumpled piece of paper from his pocket.

“Well, as Hakim said, we all know each other here. I thought that I couldn’t possibly leave Hakim to make the only speech so I have stepped up in my unofficial role as Grandad.”

The Doctor laughed, aware of what Graham was about to do.

“Doc, I am so proud to be your unofficial Grandad. I know we both have people we wish were here today love…”

The Doctor’s breath hitched and Yaz stroked her hand with her thumb under the table.

“Grace would be so proud to call you her granddaughter, and while you might not be related by blood, you remind me so much of her. Now despite the number of times I’ve told her off for licking things she shouldn’t, I wasn’t privileged enough to know the Doc in her childhood. What I can tell you is that there is no one more loyal or caring or generous than her. From the moment we met, she has taken care of everyone around her and put everyone else first. Even when she’s been sick, her number one concern has been about the impact it’s had on her family and especially Yaz. …

The Doctor blushed and a look of pain flashed across her face. Yaz pulled her in close, placing a gentle kiss at her temple.

“…but seriously Doctor, I couldn’t be more proud of you if I really were your Grandad. What you’ve overcome in the last few years, not only survived but you’re still smiling you’re still moving forward and forging a life for yourself. I wish you the both of you all the happiness and love in the world.”

Everyone stood up again, once again toasting Yaz and the Doctor.

The staff in the venue once again transformed the room, this time ready for the party. Yaz and the Doctor had debated for a long time over what song to take for their first dance, but in the end, there could only be one choice …

_Look at the stars,_

_Look how they shine for you,_

_And everything you do,_

_They were all yellow…_

The first song they had danced to after the Doctor had been hurt all those years ago at a different wedding. The Doctor had only just been learning to stand back then, strapped into a huge amount of hardware and needing to be held up. Not now though, she had her prosthetic of course and a small orthotic around her ankle but she was supporting her own weight. She didn’t walk without support from at least one crutch or Yaz’s arm as an alternative crutch, but walking with her you could tell she wasn’t about to collapse anymore either and it was no small achievement.

For Yaz it felt like time had stopped . The Doctor had her arms draped casually around Yaz’s neck while Yaz’s arms were wrapped securely around the Doctor’s waist as they moved slowly in time to the music. The only thing she was aware of was the feel of the Doctor beneath her hands, of staring at her face and of the music floating past her.

All too soon for Yaz’s liking they were interrupted by Hakim and Graham cutting in and Graham carefully took Yaz’s place, revolving slowly with the Doctor while Yaz did a ridiculous variation on some sort of waltz with her dad.

To Yaz’s surprise the Doctor agreed to swap places and had a brief dance with Hakim while she danced with Graham, keeping her emotions in check which was impressive because Yaz knew she still wasn’t entirely comfortable with him. When they had done their ‘duties’ they were able to dance with each other again. Hakim went off to dance with his wife, Graham had sat down with Umbreen, Ryan and Sonya were dancing, Jennifer was sitting but moving Lucy’s stiff arms slowly in time to the music.

“Jane, can I dance with you?” Maisie asked, appearing beside her and Yaz from nowhere.

The Doctor looked at Yaz, she was more stable on her feet and overall, less fragile and Yaz shot her a look that said ‘it’s your decision’. The Doctor gave a slight nod but also indicated Maisie, silently asking her to stay.

“I would love to dance with you sweetheart but standing is still tricky for me so I’m going to need you to help me, can you do that?”

Maisie nodded seriously. “I can help you like Yaz can!” she insisted.

The Doctor tried to stop herself from wincing, she never wanted Maisie to have to help her, she should be as free as possible, not constantly thinking about her broken down body and the state it was in.

“I’m going to put my hands on your shoulders is that okay?” the Doctor asked.

Maisie nodded, moving closer to her and Yaz helped them find their balance just as the music changed. The Doctor didn’t recognise it but it was perfect, slow and easy going.

“Don’t move too quickly or I’ll fall over.” The Doctor warned her needlessly. Maisie clearly had an idea of what she was doing.

Maisie brought her hands up so they were holding the Doctor’s and instigating a gentle sway in time to the music, she had a surprisingly good sense of rhythm.

Yaz held back a grin as she watched Maisie and the Doctor, Maisie looked so serious, entrusted with her task of making sure Jane, her hero, didn’t fall, it was clearly something she didn’t take lightly. Nevertheless, when she was finished she seemed happy to give the responsibility of making sure the Doctor didn’t collapse back to Yaz and instead the three of them danced together as a faster song came on.

The song after that was another one the Doctor didn’t recognise but Maisie clearly did as she skipped off excitedly to dance with Lilly.

“Do you need your wheelchair?” Yaz asked quietly, her head resting lightly on the Doctor’s shoulder as they swayed together.

“I think so.” She admitted regretfully.

“I can go and get it for you.” Ryan offered, he had been in the middle of dancing past with Sonya.

“Actually, if Sonya doesn’t mind, one dance before I need to sit?” the Doctor asked shyly.

Ryan grinned at her. “Course.”

Sonya gracefully stepped aside and Yaz went to the dressing room to get the Doctor’s wheelchair. By the time she got back she could see the Doctor was struggling, Ryan was having to hold her up and when she appeared behind her with her chair, the Doctor sank into it gratefully with Ryan’s help.

Maisie seemed to consider this an excellent decision and within minutes the Doctor was surrounded by Maisie and Lilly, the three of them laughing and shouting, the Doctor now much more able to join in now she wasn’t at risk of falling over. Her dancing skills really hadn’t improved Yaz observed as her arms waved wildly in the air, but she was certainly having fun and she looked so happy, easily the happiest she had been for a long time.

_“She looks really happy… do you think she’ll ever be that happy again?”_ Maisie had asked.

 _“I hope so Maisie-Bug. I really hope so.”_ Yaz had told her.

The wedding had ended after a supper of takeaway pizzas together and hugs all around. It had been the best day either of them could have asked for. In some ways it was almost anti-climactic going home with Maisie to their own bed that night, but they weren’t leaving for their honeymoon until they had taken Maisie back to school the next day. But on the other hand, it was perfect.

“I have something for you.” Yaz said quietly as they lay in bed together.

“I thought we agreed no presents.” The Doctor argued, her brow furrowed.

“This isn’t a present, not really. More like a promise.” Yaz explained, lifting an envelope out of her bedside table and handing it to her wife.

The Doctor opened it up and withdrew a small card, handwritten in Yaz’s hand and decorated with the little five point stars she liked to doodle. 

_‘If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is… even if we’re apart, I’ll always be with you.’-_ _A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh_

_I love you, always and forever and across the universe, Yaz xx_

The Doctor was speechless and found herself well up. “Thankyou Yaz. It’s perfect.” She said sincerely. 

“Happy wedding day wife.” Yaz grinned, kissing her lightly.

“Happy wedding day wife.” the Doctor repeated pulling Yaz in close. “I love you.”


	98. Chapter 98

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honeymoon Part One!

“Pleeeeaaaaaasssssseeeee can I come with you?” begged Maisie as Yaz chivvied her out to the car with her weekend bag.

“No sweetheart, not this time.”

“But you promised we can go on holidays.” Maisie gurned.

“We didn’t promise anything, we said we would go on holidays in the summer if everyone was healthy enough.” Yaz pointed out.

By which she meant both The Doctor, who’s health was considerably more reliable these days, but Maisie, who was still receiving a lot of therapy in school, was highly unpredictable. In fact, Yaz was fairly sure they were on the way to a tantrum now if they weren’t careful.

“Maisie” started the Doctor. “Remember we’re not going on a holiday, not really. We’re going on our honeymoon. A honeymoon is a special break for people who have just got married. If you ever get married you can have one too.”

“It’s not fair!” Maisie wailed dramatically, stamping her foot.

Yaz was firm. “Maisie, Jane and I have to catch the ferry. Either we can take you back to school on the way or I can ask Graham to take you when you have calmed down. It’s your choice.”

“I WANNA COME WITH YOU!” Maisie shrieked, throwing herself at the Doctor. Yaz grabbed her to stop her falling and helped her untangle herself.

“Yaz and I are going out to the car now. If you’re not in it in five minutes I will phone Graham and ask him to drive you later or you can come with us now and stop at McDonalds on the way like we planned.” The Doctor said. Her voice wasn’t angry but Yaz could tell by her body language that she was stressed and the shrieking and grabbing did nothing for her.

Turning their back resolutely on Maisie both Yaz and the Doctor stepped outside. The Doctor really did go to the car, she needed to sit down and take a moment to regroup herself but Yaz wanted to keep a surreptitious eye on Maisie, it certainly wasn’t outside of her remit to trash the place when she got angry. Or turn her anger back on herself.

This time she didn’t, the promised McDonalds apparently being too alluring apparently and stomped angrily out to the car with her bag. Yaz locked the door and joined her and the Doctor in the car. It was tempting to cancel the McDonalds trip because of her behaviour but they were working closely with her school on managing Maisie’s behaviour management and part of that was that there was a set system for sanctions and rewards. McDonalds was lunch, not a reward and therefore not to be taken away again. Maisie had a lot of hard lessons to learn, things most children learn in babyhood and toddlerhood she hadn’t because she had spent most of her life locked into a single room. It was a miracle she functioned as well as she did.

Yaz slipped into the drivers seat and started the ignition, putting Maisie’s favourite Disney CD into the player, allowing the first notes of Frozen to fill the car.

“You got enough room back there Maisie Bug?” the Doctor asked, twisting around so she could see the little girl. Their boot and back seat was very full – besides their clothes that they would need for the ten day trip they had lots of bulky winter wraps seeing as they were going to the Irish coast in November as well as the equipment the Doctor relied upon. She was wearing her prosthetic leg but in the back were her crutches, wheelchair, toolkit for emergency repairs or adjustments to her chair or leg, the various liners and socks she used under her prosthetic, the bright orange emergency box which had oxygen, catheters and their significant first aid kit in it. She hadn’t needed anything from it for a while but Yaz had insisted on bringing it and she was right to do so really. When her health went wonky, it went _really_ wonky. 

Maisie sighed dramatically. “No.” she scowled.

“Why don’t you put the bag beside you on the floor.”

“No!” Maisie said petulantly, crossing her arms and sticking out her bottom lip.

The Doctor shared a glance with Yaz.

“That’s okay.” She said. “You can do it later if you want to.”

The drive to Meadowbanks was about forty minutes in total and the McDonalds they went to was on the way. Thankfully, by the time they made it there, Maisie had calmed down a little though she was less than impressed when the Doctor was relying on two crutches instead of one to walk inside meaning she couldn’t hold her hand. She displayed her annoyance by flouncing off to a table, as far away from other guests as she could manage, and sat down. The Doctor went after her, it wasn’t like she could help carry the tray to the table anyway.

Maisie continued to display her annoyance by ignoring the Doctor. She tried not to take it personally, every time Maisie went back to school she saw it as some sort of personal rejection. McDonalds wasn’t busy and Yaz appeared five minutes later with a chicken nugget Happy Meal for Maisie, a cheeseburger for the Doctor, they both had milkshakes, and chicken selects and a bottle of water for herself.

Maisie’s poor humour continued as they drove the last ten minutes to Meadowbanks and as soon as they arrived she got out of the car as quickly as she could, not even turning around to look at Yaz or the Doctor who followed at a more sedate pace, Yaz carrying her bag she had left behind. The school was secure so there was nowhere for her to go though before she could make it as far as the door Nina, her key worker, had appeared to meet her.

“Hi Maisie! Welcome back, did you have a nice time at the wedding?”

“Fuck off.” Maisie told her rudely, rattling the door of the school. “Let me in!”

“Let’s say goodbye to Yaz and Jane first.” Nina told her calmly. She had known what to expect as the Doctor had phoned her while Maisie was using the toilet after lunch and updated her.

“Don’t want to. Hate them.” Maisie scowled.

“That’s sad Maisie.” Said the Doctor evenly. “Because we love you a lot.”

Maisie turned her back on them resolutely and Yaz handed Nina her bag.

“That’s okay Maisie. It’s Tuesday so we’ll phone you at bedtime like we always do.”

Maisie didn’t move and Yaz and the Doctor went back to the car but before she could get in, the Doctor felt small arms wrap tightly and considerately round her waist, as in for once, she wasn’t sent flying and she twisted to pull Maisie in for a proper hug.

“We’ll phone you tonight okay?”

Maisie nodded.

“Love you.” The Doctor reminded her.

“I love you too.” Maisie said slowly. “I don’t really hate you.”

“I know.” The Doctor reassured her.

The Doctor got back into the car and carefully put her crutches into the back seat of the car and Maisie waved goodbye appropriately as Yaz drove away.

“How are you doing?” Yaz asked as they headed for the motorway. The Doctor had gone very quiet which was never a good sign.

“Yeah.” She said in a small voice.

“Talk to me.” Yaz encouraged. The Doctor had improved a lot but it was still easy for her to revert to silence when she was worried or upset.

“Just…” she fidgeted with her hands anxiously. “Can you remind me what’s happening today? Please?”

“Relax love, it’s fine.” Yaz reassured her, knowing that she had the schedule in the pocket of her jacket. Travelling and being out of her routine was still so hard for her. She vividly remembered the last time they had travelled properly, her twenty-first birthday and just eleven months after the Doctor had arrived on earth. To say it had gone badly was an understatement; they had had an enormous fight after which the Doctor had stormed off, Yaz had been convinced she had hurt herself or worse. They’d broken up, Yaz had moved back in with her parents and the Doctor had started drinking. In hindsight it had been far too soon, Yaz hadn’t understood how high her needs were and grossly underestimated how much being away would affect her. The Doctor had been totally unable to recognise that she had needs in the first place and when things were bothering her she hadn’t been able to vocalise them.”

“We’re going to drive to Cairnryan for the Ferry. It’s about another three and a half hours drive. The ferry leaves at seven which is six hours from now. When we get on the ferry it’s a two hour crossing, we’ll have our dinner on the ferry. We dock in Belfast at about nine and then it’s just over an hour’s drive to the cottage in Coleraine. Alright?” Yaz explained patiently.

“I… yeah… thanks.” She said, her hands stilling slightly.

“Do you want to change the Disney CD over?” Yaz suggested as _Be our Guest_ from Beauty and the Beast started playing.

“Sure” the Doctor agreed easily. “… after this song though.”

Yaz rolled her eyes but refrained from laughing. When the final strains of the music stopped the Doctor pointed her sonic at the car radio and changed it to something Yaz vaguely recognised before opening the glove compartment where she extracted a packet of custard creams.

“When did you start keeping custard creams in there?” Yaz asked, not even a little bit surprised.

The Doctor shrugged and shoved one into her mouth whole.

“Want one?” she offered.

Yaz shook her head as she concentrated on changing lanes to overtake a slow moving car.

The Doctor ducked back into the glove compartment and pulled out what Yaz could only describe as a Rubix cube, only it wasn’t a cube, it had sixteen sides made of 16x16 blocks. The Tardis had produced it. The Doctor might complain her brain didn’t work as well as it had, and maybe it didn’t, but Yaz didn’t know anyone else that could have attempted it the way the Doctor did, she fiddled with it for less than less than ten minutes with her increasingly dexterous hands. They were far from perfect, small buttons still alluded her amongst other things, but they were reasonably functional. As soon as she completed it, the whole thing reset itself, creating a new combination for her to solve. It kept her busy while Yaz drove; the thought of taking the TARDIS somewhere still sent her into a panic attack, she couldn’t spend more than an hour or so on her at a time before having to get out. But that didn’t mean she had become any more patient with conventional methods of human travel and, as her mobility had slowly increased, her inability to sit still had vastly decreased.

They had made it to the ferry in good time, Yaz had never been on one before but it was much bigger than she was expecting, and a lot more crowded. The Doctor’s blue badge meant they got to drive onto the ferry first which meant they could take the lift up to the passenger deck first. The Doctor was using her crutches and Yaz led her to the front of the ship to a table in the corner with a view out over the water and helped her into a seat.

Yaz kept the Doctor chatting as the restaurant area around them filled up, holding her hands gently both for reassurance and to stop her picking harmfully at her skin. She was struggling, no matter what she said.

“Do you want to get something to eat now or later?” Yaz asked in an effort to distract her.

The Doctor startled slightly. “Yeah… now I think.”

“Do you want me to come back and tell you what there is or just pick something?” The Doctor could go of course, but on her crutches she couldn’t carry her own food and if they both went they would lose the table. And in her state of anxiety, there was little chance of her going on her own.

“Anything.” She muttered, not looking up.

Yaz squeezed her hands tightly. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.” she promised.

And she was, placing two chicken burgers on the table.

Food proved to be a good choice, even if eating the burger was akin to eating sawdust, as it distracted the Doctor enough to finally relax a little more.

She was significantly calmer after eating and they were able to relax, looking out of the window for their first glance of Ireland.

“Have you ever been to Ireland before?” Yaz asked.

The Doctor thought for a moment. “No… I don’t think so, not that I can remember in any time period. Have you?”

Yaz shook her head. “Funny, it’s only a forty-minute flight and you can get it out of Leeds but no I haven’t. Didn’t do much travelling before I met you… oh look I think that’s Ireland!” she pointed out excitedly.

It was, land was just ahead and the huge ferry lazily made its way up Belfast Loch and into the harbour. Because they had been the first onto the ferry it meant they were pretty much the last people to get off and while they waited in the car Yaz programmed the Sat-Nav.

They had phoned Maisie to say goodnight as promised before they got off the boat which had proved to be a good shout, it was almost ten before Yaz was actually able to drive off the boat and make her way down a very short stretch of motorway before being directed down narrow, winding roads as they drove deeper and deeper into the countryside.

They didn’t chat much as Yaz concentrated on the road ahead. They met hardly any other cars as they roads wound down the coast, sometimes Yaz was aware of the ocean to her right, other times they went more inland. But she was thoroughly relieved when she finally made it, drawing up outside a simple, whitewashed cottage with stone walls and a slate roof. They were right on the coast but there was a smooth, concrete driveway and path to the house, and was apparently fully wheelchair accessible.

“Can you pass me my chair?”

“Course, you okay?” Yaz checked.

“Fine, but I'm tired and I can't unload the car while I'm on crutches.”

Yaz lifted her wheelchair out of the back seat for her and popped the wheels onto the frame, wheeling it to the Doctor’s car door and leaving her to sort herself out while she went to the front door where there was a lockbox containing the key to let them in.

Yaz stepped inside, there wasn’t even a lip over the door for the Doctor to negotiate, and flipped on the lights. She was instantly impressed, the cottage may have been small, but they weren’t kidding when they had said it was wheelchair accessible, it was far more accessible than their own house. With smooth, polished wooden floors that made the whole place level, no rugs to contend with, lots of space between furniture and doors that slid to the side it was impressive. She was even more impressed when she went into the bathroom – a ceiling track for a hoist ran from the bathroom to the bedroom and the bathroom had an adult sized changing bed in it as well as a beautiful roll in shower and plenty of grab bars around the sink. They might not have needed all of those accommodations now but for some people, like Lucy, this would be perfection. The bedroom had a fully adjustable bed like they had at home while the kitchen had height adjustable counters, lowered stove and raised oven. It was very impressive, usually wheelchair accessible meant there was a downstairs toilet with a grab bar. A couple of years ago, Yaz would have loved some of this equipment. 

With the two of them, it didn’t take long to empty the car but even so it was gone midnight before they were finally able to collapse into bed.

“Thanks for driving today.” The Doctor mumbled sleepily, wrapping an arm around Yaz’s torso.

“No problem.” Yaz replied, yawning, nestling in closer against her wife.

The next morning dawned cold but bright. Yaz and the Doctor woke early despite the lateness of the night before, enjoying the thick, soft, cosy blankets. The Doctor had her hands under Yaz’s top, tracing lazy patterns against her stomach.

Yaz had goosebumps that were nothing to do with the cool temperature of her wife’s hands.

“This okay?” the Doctor asked, tucking her chin on Yaz’s shoulder and kissing her again.

“Mmmm very.” Yaz reassured her

She rolled over slowly, tangling her legs with the Doctor’s and slipping her hands around her waist, gently drawing her in closer.

The Doctor kept kissing her, moving across her shoulders, paying special attention to her neck and finally working her way up to Yaz’s lips where their kiss was long and slow and tender.

“You’re ‘mazin the Doctor whispered as they finally broke apart for breath. Her eyes widened slightly as Yaz’s hands tracked their way down the edge of the scarring on her chest.

“Are you alright?” Yaz checked before going any further. The Doctor nodded slowly and tugged lightly at the hem of Yaz’s top. Yaz nodded her consent and sat up slightly, allowing the Doctor to relieve her of her baby blue pyjama top.

Yaz pulled her closer again so the Doctor was all but lying across her, her arms wrapped around Yaz’s neck. Yaz took over the kissing, making her way slowly down the Doctor’s neck towards the neckline of her top, paying special attention to peppering every inch of her skin with little kisses.

Yaz touched the back of her top. “May I?” she asked.

The Doctor turned her head away, suddenly not able to meet Yaz’s eye.

Yaz cupped her cheek lightly. “Hey, talk to me. What’s wrong.”

“I’m being silly…” she was now staring at her lap, refusing to meet Yaz’s eye.

“No you’re not. You’re not comfortable. It’s okay, we don’t have to do anything.”

“But I want to!” the Doctor burst out, her voice unexpectedly loud in the peaceful surroundings. Her hands were balled into fists, clearly upset with herself.

“But do you want to for you or for me?” Yaz asked her gently.

“You want to.”

“That’s not relevant Doctor. It has to be right, for both of us. This is a partnership, remember?” she lightly tapped on her ring. “We promised.” Yaz sat up properly and put her own top back on.

“I do want to…” she said finally. “But I don’t know how you can want to… with me.”

“Because of your scars?” Yaz clarified carefully.

The Doctor sighed heavily which Yaz took for affirmation.

Yaz ran her hands down the Doctor’s arms, clasping her hands. “Your scars aren’t shocking or disgusting to me. They show me just how much you’ve survived. They show me how incredibly strong you are. And I know you don’t believe me when I tell you, but I think you’re beautiful, scars and all.”

Yaz rested her forehead against the Doctor’s. “We absolutely won’t do anything you’re not completely comfortable with, okay?”

“I want to do… things with you Yaz. I love you.”

“I know you do. You don’t need to prove it to me through sex. You show me all the time.”

“It’s our honeymoon.” The Doctor protested.

“So? Because we signed a piece of paper that means you’re magically ready? That’s not how it works Doctor and you know it. You’re still healing and that’s okay.”

“What if I never can?”

“Then if all we ever do is kiss and cuddle that’s okay too. I didn’t marry you because I wanted to sleep with you, I married you because I love you, _so_ much.”

The Doctor sighed heavily.

“What do you want to do love?”

“Can we just cuddle for a while?” she asked eventually, finally looking Yaz in the eye properly.

“Of course… cuddles with the Doctor? ‘Mazin.” She grinned, repeating the Doctor’s words back at her.

The Doctor smiled properly and allowed herself to be pulled into Yaz’s warm embrace, Yaz’s arms wrapped securely around her waist and legs resting on top of hers. It felt so warm and safe and secure, it was perfect and it wasn’t long before the two of them dozed off again.

When they woke again it was much later, mid morning and the Doctor stretched lazily. She startled slightly when she realised Yaz was awake and looking at her.

“You staring at me?”

“Can't help it. Can't believe you’re my wife.”

The Doctor blushed and Yaz grinned. “I love making you blush.” She told her, leaning over and kissing her chastely on the lips, mindful of their conversation that morning.

The Doctor’s stomach rumbled in response. She froze in shock for a moment before bursting out laughing, Yaz joining in.

“Let’s get ready and go and find breakfast.” Yaz told her, kissing her again before getting up.

It didn’t take them too long to get washed and dressed, as they were encouraged by how hungry they both were. The disappointing chicken burgers from the night before seemed to have been a long time ago and they wrapped up warm against the harsh, Irish winter. It was certainly cold enough to take their breath away. Their days activities, a local, living museum involved a long walk over mixed terrain and the Doctor elected to take her wheelchair rather than her crutches, it was more important to her that she could enjoy herself and enjoy her day with Yaz rather than pushing herself to walk all day when she would probably end up in pain, possibly for days.

Their first stop was a local café where they were warmly welcomed by the owner. As soon as she realised it was their first time in Northern Ireland she insisted that they both had to have a full Ulster Fry and while neither Yaz nor the Doctor knew exactly what that was or how it differed to an English fry they were sufficiently hungry that they were easily persuaded. They were directed to an empty table by the window with a view of the Irish Sea and immediately piled with huge mugs of milky tea.

There was only one other group of people in the café, a young family, and Yaz quickly became aware that they were being talked about.

“What are they saying?” she asked the Doctor, knowing that her sensitive hearing would be able to pick up on it.

She sighed. “The little boy is asking his parents why I look funny.”

Yaz squeezed her hand sympathetically, she was, unfortunately stared at wherever she went and people’s reactions tended to follow a pattern. First everyone stared in shock for a moment. Then everyone looked away in case they were caught staring. The third part of the pattern varied – either they got over it pretty fast and were able to make normal conversation or, more likely, they stared at their feet and were totally unable to form coherent sentences or treat her as a person. With kids, the Doctor was patient. If they asked her a direct question, she answered them. They were learning about the world and it was natural for them to be curious. With adults, considerably less so. But for the most part, she didn’t get overly upset by comments and stares anymore. Didn’t mean she didn’t notice, or they didn’t get to her, but she didn’t let other people reactions ruin her day.

The Doctor smiled slightly to herself.

“What?”

“His mum has just explained to him that everybody looks different and that doesn’t mean it’s scary or weird, it’s just different like how he has red hair even though his parents are brunettes.”

Yaz wished more parents would respond to their kids like that. Usually when their kids asked inappropriate questions in and out of conventional human earshot their parents grabbed them and hurried them away with their faces bright red, shushing their child. All that did was teach the child to be afraid of people with facial deformities or who were disabled or otherwise different. Whereas answering the question allowed the child to gain the information they needed and move on – often they were dragged away with a plaintive ‘Why?’ hovering in the air.

Their food arrived a few moments later, two huge plates of food appeared, put onto the table in front of them.

“Okay my darlin’s” the owner said with a flourish “on your plate you have two fried eggs, mushrooms, beans, black pudding, bacon, sausages, potato bread and soda bread.” She explained. “The breads are what makes it an Ulster Fry and they’re still very popular today.”

They tucked in, the food was incredible. “Which bread is this?” the Doctor asked, pointing to the thicker of the two unfamiliar breads.

“Ummm… soda bread I think, because of the shape. They call them soda farls don’t they?”

The Doctor shrugged but picked it up anyway.

“Don’t care what type it is but it’s ‘mazing Yaz! We should buy some to bring home with us.”

Yaz decided that she must have been even hungrier than she realised as suddenly her plate seemed to be empty, she had eaten everything minus the bacon which the Doctor had eagerly helped with and she felt pleasantly full as they headed out to the car to drive to the museum which was in a town called Omagh.

It was about an hour away when Yaz pulled into the car park of the Ulster American Folk Park and they headed into the visitors centre and gift shop.

“Don’t forget we need to buy Maisie a postcard before we leave.” Yaz said more as a reminder to herself than anything else as they went to the reception desk to pay. Yaz got into most places for free as the Doctor’s carer though the Doctor had to pay full price but she was surprised when they were waved through, apparently both the person with a disability and their carer got in for free here.

“Most of our houses are original and the ones that aren’t have been faithfully replicated.” The woman behind the desk explained. “The farmhouse has always been here, the park grew up round it, and everything else was transported here stone by stone. We’ve made them as accessible as we can but they’re not perfect.”

Yaz and the Doctor had already researched the park thoroughly, so they knew that already, the Doctor was going to use her wheelchair on the paths and walk into the houses with Yaz’s support, it was workable for them.

The first house they came to was barely more than a hovel but there was just enough room for the Doctor to squeeze through in her chair. There was a member of staff, dressed in period costume in there who greeted them enthusiastically and told them the history of the cottage and the abject poverty the family lived in.

“A family of twelve lived in this cottage” she explained. Yaz looked around, the tiny, dark, smoky hut (cottage was a big word) which was barely bigger than their bathroom at home. “The people who lived here didn’t own their own land, they had to rent it from wealthy English landlords who didn’t live here. The Irish climate is very well suited for potatoes and that was all the tenants were allowed to grow so their diet was very bland. Mostly potatoes and a little cabbage and buttermilk but it was surprisingly healthy so Irish men were the tallest and strongest in Europe at the time. A one acre plot of land would have fed a family for a year with a working man eating about 14lb of potatoes a day!”

The whole museum was based on Ireland at the time of the potato famine in the middle of the 1800s. The circuit through the museum started in the most rural and poorest part of Ireland, would wind through the Irish countryside and things they might see there as the houses would get grander as they hit the Irish town where they could buy their tickets to sail for the New World and then explore the American town and countryside.

“Would you like to try my nettle soup?” the woman asked after she finished her spiel.

Yaz looked in the cauldron over the fire which was bubbling sluggishly with a thick, grey, gloopy liquid, like someone had decided to cook grey sick or something…

“Umm…”

The woman laughed. “It’s perfectly edible and not as bad as it looks!”

The Doctor begged to differ with that as she tried hard not to gag on the taste that she couldn’t even describe… something akin to Ryan’s socks after he had been to the gym possibly.

Their next stop was the Blacksmiths forge where the man who worked there was busy putting his authentic skills to good use and putting new shoes on a beautiful cart horse who lived and worked at the museum.

“Does that hurt?” the Doctor asked the horse whose name was Fionn.

“So, did it hurt?” asked Yaz as they moved on from the blacksmiths.

“Nah apparently he can't feel it… but I'm very glad you don’t have to nail my prosthetic onto me.”

Their next stop were two churches side by side, one Catholic and one Church of Ireland before heading into a pretty, thatched cottage where there was yet another member of staff who was working at a spinning wheel.

“Welcome, I’m Gráinne and this is the Weavers Cottage.”

Gráinne gave them a brief history of the cottage and the family that lived there. Although they would have been far from wealthy, it was considerably nicer than the first cottage they had been in which had had no furniture to speak of and really hadn’t been much more than a hovel. This was at least liveable with.

“Would you like to try the wheel?” she asked Yaz and the Doctor, they had seen a few other people about but they had chosen their honeymoon to take place during the week, in term time, in winter to hopefully have places as quiet as possible which was so far working out.

Yaz nodded eagerly and sat down, the woman showed her how to use the foot plate and control the raw yarn. Yaz couldn’t help but laugh with pleasure, the wool tickled and it was quite exciting in a way. Meanwhile the Doctor was carding the raw wool with two bristled combs, removing any dirt and grease and getting all the individual strands on it to hand over to Yaz to turn into wool which could apparently be purchased in the gift shop as could knit wear made from the wool to support the museum.

They thanked Gráinne for her time before moving on, this time to a building they distinctly recognised as a school house. This one was smaller and the Doctor left her chair outside and took Yaz’s arm to walk inside where they were instantly greeted by a stern looking school mistress who accused them of being late and made them sit down and put slates and slate pencils in front of them before drilling them in an Irish lesson.

“Why isn’t the TARDIS translating?” Yaz whispered as the woman rattled something off at them.

“Her idea of a joke.” The Doctor muttered. “I’m not blocking her or anything.”

“Well tell her to stop!” Yaz said as the teacher rapped a ruler on the desk and scolded her for talking.

It was actually quite funny and when the woman had finished drilling them in some greetings she stepped out of character and had a chat with them about the role of the schoolhouse.

They left her with a cheery _“Slán”_ and walked off to their next stop, a small Irish harbour town. This area was busier with lots of different places to explore altogether. The Doctor of course made straight for the sweet shop where she bought a pound of jelly babies and then got distracted by one of the cart horses who she started chatting to. Yaz left her to it and instead got roped into making green, white and purple rosettes for the woman’s suffrage movement.

After spending an hour exploring the town they headed towards the ‘ship’. There were sound effects playing of the sea, seagulls and market sellers as well as a Punch and Judy show happening in one corner. As ever, there was a member of staff on the ‘docks’ waiting to greet them and tell them about their ‘journey’ to the New World on a coffin ship, the reason why they were called such needing no explanation.

There was a gangplank down to the ship’s hull where the passengers were kept like cattle though it was steep and Yaz kept a hold of the back of the Doctor’s wheelchair, not sure how much room was going to be at the bottom as it appeared to be fairly dark though she let go when they were inside.

It was a large space but completely crammed with bunks along both long walls and long tables down the middle. The low ceiling made the room feel smaller, it was dark and oppressive and the Doctor’s fists were clenching and flexing reflexively while her breathing had picked up a little. When Yaz stepped in front of her she could see that her eye was screwed shut and she was beginning to hyperventilate.

Internally, Yaz scolded herself, it hadn’t occurred to her that this might trigger her PTSD but she could see how it was, it was basically a cell and not a nice one.

“Doctor, I’m going to get you out of here okay?” Yaz promised. “You’re safe, I’m going to push your wheelchair for you.” She explained. The ship wasn’t huge and Yaz could see the exit on the other side of the room so she quickly pushed the Doctor towards it, deciding it was better than taking her back out when there might not be another way through.

They were through in just a minute and back in the open air in the ‘American’ town and the Doctor gasped at the clean air, grabbing blindly at Yaz as she still had her eye shut. Yaz pushed her over to the side, there weren’t many people around anyway, to give her some breathing room.

“I’m okay.” The Doctor said before Yaz could ask her how she was doing. She kept a tight hold of Yaz’s hand, who was crouched in front of her, and took deep, slow breaths in through her nose and out through her mouth without Yaz having to prompt her or support her.

It was the first time she had managed to divert a full blown panic attack by herself and Yaz couldn’t have been prouder.

“Well done, you okay?” she asked as the colour came back to the Doctor’s cheeks and her body visibly relaxed.

“Yeah, I think. It was a lot but I'm fine.”

“Need a hug?”

“Don’t need one… would like one?” she asked hopefully.

Yaz grinned at her and wrapped her arms around her wife tightly.

“Love you, and I'm so proud of you.”

“Love you too Yaz.” The Doctor mumbled against Yaz’s chest.

They broke apart a few minutes later, the town on this side had less open shops but one that was open was the general store and Yaz supported the Doctor to climb the two stairs into it. They spent a long time in there, there was so much to see and the Doctor ended up playing a game of chess with the store owner who claimed to challenge and beat everyone who came into the store… needless to say his reputation quickly came crashing down round his ears when the Doctor beat him in sixteen moves. Yaz was worried he might be annoyed but he simply laughed and offered the Doctor his hand to shake.

Their next few stops were houses where they got cornbread and popcorn to try and had a go at making candles though thankfully they were made from regular wax and not the more historically accurate animal fat.

Then they came to a large hall and when they stepped in, they realised they were in a hospital. It had neat, white beds up and down each side with a number of artefacts and was staffed by a man and a woman dressed as a doctor and a nurse respectively and who greeted them enthusiastically who explained that the hospital was laid out exactly as it would have been in 1884 and was based on the copious sketches, drawings and notes from a nurse who had worked there.

The Doctor looked at a wheelchair with interest. It was wicker and very upright with very little support though it didn’t look uncomfortable as such. It had large, iron wheels at the front and smaller wheels at the back.

“Can I try it?” she asked the nurse with interest.

“Go ahead, it’s not original though it’s made from the original specifications and our own blacksmith and woodworkers built it.”

Yaz helped her up and into the chair. It honestly felt like sitting in an ordinary dining room chair with a footrest. The wheels turned but it was strange having them so far forward, almost out of her reach.

As if reading her mind the nurse spoke up. “Wheelchair’s at this time weren’t designed to be used independently. If you needed one you were generally expected to spend all day lounging around being helpless and a good little invalid.”

“Is that why they’re so heavy?” the Doctor grunted as she pushed the wheels as best she could.

Yaz experimentally pushed the handle of the chair down the ward.

“So this is what it would be like if I felt the need to push you, Ryan and Graham” she joked. “If you ever weigh this much in your wheelchair we’re getting you a power chair!”

The Doctor stuck her tongue out, knowing she was joking.

“I think we can be thankful I did not get sick in 1884.”

“Yep, you would be a terrible ‘invalid’, you’d be very annoying… and I wouldn’t be able to do this.” She added, leaning in for a kiss.

“Ooh is that a prosthetic leg?” she asked with interest.

“Yep, this is a design coined during the American Civil War which actually sparked modern prosthetics.”

“May I?”

The nurse handed it over.

“Ooft. Is it necessary for everything to be so heavy?”

The lower leg and foot was made from wood, carefully carved and amazingly, it had an iron knee joint and ankle joint. There was another, carved wooden piece where the persons residual limb went and the whole thing was held on by a broad, leather strap which could be laced tight.

“Can I try this one?”

“You can’t wear a prosthetic if you don’t need one…. oh.”

The Doctor was wearing a pair of adaptive trousers that had zips running up the outside which she undid, revealing her prosthetic.

“Go ahead.”

The Doctor fiddled with the valve of her (adapted) twenty-first century prosthetic and took it off, handing it to Yaz who rested it on one of the beds.

“Do you need help?” the nurse offered.

“Actually, could you talk Yaz through it?” the Doctor asked.

Yaz was proud of her for advocating for herself, that was something she was still learning but it was very important.

It wasn’t as complicated as it looked and Yaz soon had it laced for her. Considering it was a generic design, it fitted her residual limb reasonably well.

“Would you like the crutches as well?”

“Sure, think I'm going to need them.”

The nurse handed over a pair of crutches that looked remarkably similar to what she thought of as ‘American crutches’ the sort that went up under your armpits and were incredibly uncomfortable.

Yaz levered her to her feet and kept a strong arm wrapped around her waist while the Doctor found her balance.

“How does it feel?” Yaz asked.

“Put it this way, if we were living 150 years ago, I might get used to the wheelchair, but I would never get used to this.”

Yaz moved away and the Doctor had a go.

“Stars this is heavy!” she exclaimed. She might have been ambulatory but the muscle weakness hadn’t dissipated, not entirely.

She took a couple of small, experimental steps and Yaz backed away as she appeared to get the hang of it.

“How does it feel?” asked the nurse with interest.

“I mean, mine can be uncomfortable but this… it doesn’t hurt exactly it’s just a lot of pressure, all my body weight is on the bone but in a modern one it isn’t, it’s distributed around the whole of the socket. I certainly can't imagine having to wear it all the time… it’s like having a bowling ball attached to my stump or something!”

“Can I ask, would you be willing to let me take a photo of you wearing it and one of you wearing your normal leg?” the nurse asked “so we can use it for the education department? We wouldn’t include your face or anything so it would be anonymous.”

The Doctor hesitated for a moment. “Yeah that’s fine.” She agreed finally.

Which was how she and Yaz found themselves spending the next hour having her photographed in both legs and her prosthetic even ended up with a photoshoot of its own, being compared with the historical one from all angles while the nurse asked dozens of questions about how it worked and what she felt were the main differences between the two which the Doctor answered patiently, she was always happy when she was teaching or learning.

Later that evening found the Doctor and Yaz in a small, Irish pub frequented by the locals. It had a stone floor, turf fire, wood panelled walls and a homely menu. Best of all, it was quiet, and they were easily able to get a table close to the fire which was helping them dry off, after they had left the hospital at the park the rain that Ireland was so famous for had appeared and they had been utterly drenched by the time they made it to the next building, a low, wooden cabin with dozens of chickens running around outside.

Under recommendation and a need to try local foods, they both ordered steak and Guinness pie served with colcannon (though what that was exactly neither of them were sure about though they had both declined pints of Guinness, settling for lemonade instead.

“I had a lot of fun today. I'm really glad we did that.” Yaz said as the waitress went back to the bar to place their orders.

“It was really interesting, I feel like I learned more.”

“Why do you like museums so much? You have a literal time machine.”

“But it’s fascinating to hear how people interpret those societies Yaz! Even though you’re less likely to make mistakes when you study history that’s more modern to you, how it’s interpreted is everything. Like Richard III, everything you probably think you know about him is a lie perpetuated by Shakespeare! He didn’t limp, he didn’t have a hunchback, his arm was fine, he didn’t take the crown illegally, he didn’t have his nephews killed, didn’t poison his wife. Literally all Tudor propaganda. He was never supposed to be king but Edward V died and his kids were too young to rule, and after the Wars of the Roses the Tudor family paid Thomas Moore to essentially rewrite the truth and Shakespeare, looking to curry favour, went with it which is how it got into popular consciousness… and while we’re on the subject he’s most famous for saying “My horse, my horse, my kingdom for a horse but he didn’t! Shakespeare did!” she burst out. “It’s really unfair Yaz, Ricky was a great guy!”

Yaz stared at her.

“Too much Yaz?”

“No, I love it when you’re passionate. Not a fan of Shakespeare though?”

“Eh… met him a few times. He wasn’t that great.”

Yaz laughed as their food was placed in front of them. Turned out colcannon was mashed potatoes with cabbage through it, and like everything else on the rest of their food, was delicious.

Incredibly full, Yaz sat back contentedly, leaning her head on the Doctor’s shoulder as she draped a casual arm around Yaz’s back. She had left her wheelchair in the car as the cushion had got damp in the rain and they were able to pull their chairs in closer, watching with interest as a local band appeared and started setting up.

“Do you think they’re gonna play traditional music?” Yaz asked.

“Aye, definitely, first time in Ireland?” asked an older man in a flat cap.

Yaz nodded.

“Here for the céilí are you?”

“No, we didn’t realise there was one.”

“Well if it’s your first time you have to stay and have a go.”

“Oh I don’t know…” Yaz said slowly, very doubtful that the Doctor would manage an energetic céilí when she had barely managed slow dancing at their wedding a few days before hand.

It was like the Doctor could read her mind.

“I’ll be fine Yaz! It’ll be fun!” she insisted as the band started warming up and a few passionate locals got to their feet.

They watched for the first dance, each of the couples were dancing together but also in lines and they all seemed to know exactly what to do. Yaz had never been to a céilí before and wasn’t sure what to expect. But everyone seeming to know a set series of steps wasn’t it.

The music finished and everyone applauded, breaking into groups and laughing.

“Oi” shouted the man beside them. “Got two new ones over here… English!” he added by way of explanation and everyone laughed.

Before she realised what was happening both she and the Doctor were being ushered up to the clear bit of floor everyone was dancing on and ushered into line while the leader of the band was shouting instructions that made no sense to Yaz whatsoever.

“Don’t worry” whispered a man on Yaz’s right, (the Doctor was on the end so she wouldn’t have to hold hands with a stranger) “I’ll keep you right, just have fun with it.”

Everyone in the arrangement clasped the hand of the person next to them at shoulder height though the Doctor kept a proper hold of Yaz’s right arm instead.

Without warning the music started up and once again everyone seemed to know what to do.

“Just step to the music!” the man shouted to her. It was harder than it looked Yaz realised and she glanced at the Doctor who had an adorable look of concentration on her face.

“Aaah!” Yaz shouted involuntarily when the line suddenly surged forward and they came face to face with the group opposite them and then moved back again. And then repeated it.

Then the man had let go of her hand and was pointing for her to move sideways, all while keeping up the stepping pattern. She did so, keeping a tight hold of the Doctor, they were both laughing, it was a lot of fun. Back again!

The next part was harder, everyone grabbed the hands of the person opposite of them.

Yaz checked on the Doctor again, worried it would freak her out or worse, the person wouldn’t want to touch her scarred skin but they didn’t seem bothered and Yaz was relieved to see they seemed to have grasped her difficulties and had a tight hold of her, only spinning her once while everyone else went round far too fast, making Yaz feel slightly dizzy.

She was relieved to take the Doctor’s hand and they were back to what she thought was the start before she realised her group had held up their arms and the other dancers were dancing underneath them… and out again. It reminded her of playing _In and Out go the Dusty Bluebells_ as a kid which had been one of her favourite things to do on the playground.

They were both laughing hysterically at how terrible they both were when it happened. What happened exactly Yaz didn’t know but she was falling, pulled down by the Doctor.

Somewhere her instincts kicked in as she managed to get her hand between the stone floor and her wife’s head, the Doctor’s head hitting it hard as Yaz lay on top of her.

Yaz was aware of the music stopping and had a vague notion of the other dancers staring at them but that didn’t matter.

The Doctor had fallen.

While Yaz was holding her.

She had let the Doctor fall.

She had let her down.

Some wife she was turning out to be.

Yaz couldn’t see her face, it was obscured by the tail end of her scarf which had come loose while they were dancing but she was shaking. Was she about to have a seizure? Panic attack? Meltdown?

Yaz carefully climbed off her, worried about causing any further damage.

“Doctor, can you hear me love? It’s Yaz. Are you hurt. She gently moved the scarf from the Doctor’s face to find that she was… laughing.

“I’m fine” she giggled. “Might have bruised my pride a bit. Stars that floor is hard.” She glared at it like it was the floors fault but she was still giggling.

Since when had she _giggled_?

“Doctor” Yaz said more firmly, trying to capture her attention. “Look at me, I need to know of you’re hurt anywhere?”

She was still giggling and fleeting thoughts of a concussion ran through Yaz’s head.

“Yaz, m’fine! Promise!” the Doctor told her. “Help me up?”

Yaz warily helped the Doctor sit which she did with a groan.

“Yaz” she said very seriously. “I think I might be getting old.” And she started laughing again.

“Doctor seriously, did you hit your head?”

Yaz asked.

“Yaz, if I were concussed, would I be able to do this?” she asked, pulling Yaz firmly into her lap, wrapping her arms around her waist and kissing her on the lips.

Yaz took the opportunity to feel the back of her head for any tell tale signs she might have rattled it… again.

The Doctor grabbed her hands and kissed them. “Stop worrying Yaz. I’m completely fine, promise… just help me up okay?”

She seemed lucid enough…

Yaz stood behind her and, with her arms under the Doctor’s armpits, she levered her into a standing position where she easily found her balance and wrapped her arms around Yaz’s neck affectionately.

“Maybe we’ll just dance like this for the next one” she whispered, her eye twinkling.

And Yaz relaxed. She was fine, they both were, and as the music came back on, they danced like they were the only people in the room. 


	99. Chapter 99

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for the lack of update last week. In England, we were sent back to school on Monday from the Christmas break (the only part of the UK to do so and despite the unions and medical officers telling Boris it was a terrible idea). On Monday night at 8pm the schools were told to remote learning. It's been tough and if any of you have teachers in the UK (or anywhere) or your kids do, we are not okay and a simple thank- you would really go a long way right now because I promise you, this is no holiday (now instead of planning each lesson once we must do it in triplicate - once for the kids still in school, once for the kids working remotely from home and once for the kids working from home who need paper learning packs because they have no laptops/computers/tablets etc. at home or no internet access). So yeah, reach out to any teachers in your lives!

After spending four days in Northern Ireland, the Doctor and Yaz had moved into the Republic of Ireland and were now staying in a small town called Salthill, just outside Galway. This cottage was much more stereotypical - whitewashed stone cottage, thatched roof, stone floors and huge, open fireplaces which they had been spending their evenings in front of, enjoying it's warm, flickering glow and each other's company. 

Their trip had involved a visit to the Giant's Causeway, the Titanic Quarter in Belfast and Derry to see where Yaz's favourite programme Derry Girls was set, a boat trip to the Aaran Islands and it had been perfect. All of their planning had paid off and the Doctor had been able to relax and enjoy herself for the most part even if she was out of her routine and when she had wobbled it had been easy to help her calm herself down and reassure her. It felt perfect.

On the penultimate morning of their trip, Yaz woke up slowly, enjoying the feeling of being warmly cocooned by all the blankets on the bed, heavy, patterned ones like her Nani had instead of a duvet. Beside her, the Doctor was sitting up, engrossed in a book. Yaz stayed still, watching her with fascination. She couldn't help it. She loved it when the Doctor wore her glasses, especially her new ones. They were just so adorably and unapologetically nerdy, as was she. Yaz wasn't even entirely sure what she was reading. Some sort of philosophy... maybe. She had been reading a lot of that lately. With the Doctor you never really knew. Not that she wasn’t happy to tell you but half the time Yaz hadn’t a clue what she was going on about, especially now she had access to her library in the TARDIS again. Whatever it was though, Yaz was sure it wasn’t written in an earth language.

"You know, I really hate it when people stare at me." the Doctor commented quietly without looking up, turning the page of her book. 

"Even when I do this?" Yaz asked, leaning over and kissing her. 

The Doctor stretched out her arm and wrapped it round Yaz's shoulders. 

"I suppose I can live with it. S'long as it's you. Don't want anyone else kissing me really." She wrinkled her nose at the thought. 

"Glad to hear it." Yaz retorted, settling herself so she was lying, half propped up against the Doctor's chest, content to just lie there curled up next to her wife while she finished her work. It was peaceful and comforting and safe and right. 

"What's on the plan for today?" the Doctor asked a few minutes later, closing her book and relegating it to the table beside the bed as she wrapped her other arm around Yaz. 

"Mmm... castle later. Can we just stay here for a bit though?” 

"In the cottage?" 

"No... right here. I like it when you hold me." 

"I can definitely do that." the Doctor reassured her, smoothing Yaz's hair away from her face. "I love you." 

"I know. I love you too." 

The two of them lay in bed, legs entangled, for a long time before the Doctor's rumbling stomach eventually drove them out of bed. She heaved herself into her wheelchair and headed into the bathroom for a shower while Yaz wandered into the kitchen to make breakfast, turning on the radio on her way past. It was their usual routine at home when Yaz wasn't on an early shift (then she got the shower first).

By the time Yaz had breakfast on the table the Doctor had appeared, the soft click of her crutches against the stone floor announcing her arrival before she appeared and she helped herself to some of the random selection of breakfast foods they had left, assembling some sort of… something that could possibly be described as a sandwich.

“How can you eat that?” Yaz asked, vaguely disgusted at the combination of bread, jam, sausage and avocado.

“It’s just food Yaz, all going to the same place.”

“I just can't believe I let you kiss me with that mouth.”

“What like this you mean?” the Doctor asked cheekily. She put her plate down and balanced her crutches against the counter and wrapped her arms around Yaz’s neck. Yaz wrapped her arms around the Doctor’s waist in response as the Doctor kissed her firmly.

"Hi wife" the Doctor grinned softly. 

Yaz giggled. "Hi wife." She danced away from the counter into the middle of the kitchen, pulling the Doctor with her. “Dance with me?”

Despite the November chill, the day was sunny and bright as Yaz and the Doctor walked slowly up to the castle they had chosen to visit. It was largely in ruins, but it had huge grounds to walk around and explore.

The Doctor was walking, using both of her crutches to help her balance on the uneven ground. Which was fine. But meant she couldn't hold Yaz's hand... and she really liked holding Yaz's hand. She had been deprived of it for _so_ long when she was being held, when she was in her wheelchair, when she was sick and simply couldn't feel it even if Yaz had held her hand... She wobbled as one of her crutches caught on a loose stone and Yaz's hand shot out, grabbing her elbow for support and steadying her. 

"Alright?" 

"Always." the Doctor reassured her as they came to a steep flight of stone steps. She passed one of her crutches to Yaz and took hold of the handrail, steeling herself for the task. 

"You got this?" 

"Yep" the Doctor replied, a lot more confidently than she felt as she steadied the crutch one step down and leaned heavily on the railing to step down. Stairs weren't something she had to contend with often - their own house had a stairlift inside and ramps outside. Sometimes she had to cope with Graham’s, but she'd had plenty of practice with those and they were shallow and smooth, not steep and uneven. When they made it down, the path evened out and Yaz kept hold of one crutch as the Doctor slipped her hand into Yaz's. That was better. The universe was always better when she could hold hands with Yasmin Khan. 

The path they were walking on was smooth stone and twisted its way around the outside of the castle and through the area that would have once been a garden and paddock for the animals to graze in. It was lined with trees and bushes and everything was so green it was was like someone had painted the world with a giant, green brush. It wasn’t nicknamed the Emerald Isle for nothing though Yaz had always thought the name cheesy or romanticised until she had seen it for herself. 

"I'm sad we're going to have to head back to reality day after tomorrow." Yaz admitted as she watched a robin dance on the fence post beside them. 

"Yeah, but when we go back, I get to tell people that you're my wife." the Doctor said proudly. "I'm the only person in the entire universe that gets to say that I am married to _the_ Yasmin Khan." 

Yaz laughed. "You muppet, I'm nothing special." She said affectionately, squeezing the Doctor’s hand a little.

The Doctor stopped, pulling Yaz round to face her. "Never say that Yaz." she said fiercely. "To me, you are the most special person in the entire universe. Can't have a universe with no Yaz." 

"Okay, I’m sorry. You're the most important person to me too." Yaz assured her. 

They walked in peaceful silence for a few more minutes. There were a few robins more around as well as the odd squirrel but other than that it was mostly empty, The only other people they saw were an occasional dog walker and one member of staff. 

“It’s so peaceful here.” The Doctor commented. “I love the noise of the wind in the trees.”

“Me too, but mostly I'm just glad to be here with you.” Yaz reassured her.

Although the ground quality was good Yaz noticed that the Doctor was beginning to struggle. Yaz watched in concern as she appeared to be struggling to coordinate her crutches and her feet, stumbling slightly before Yaz caught her and helped her regain her balance. 

"Do you need a break love?" she asked, trying to keep her voice light even though she was pretty sure these were the early warning signs of something.

"Wha... I'm fine." the Doctor insisted stubbornly. 

She made a renewed effort to stand up a little straighter and concentrated on moving her crutches first, then one foot at a time. Crutches, step, step, crutches, step, step, crutches, step, step. It wasn't that hard. She could do it if she concentrated. Crutches, step, cru... oh no… that wasn't right.

Before the Doctor could process what was happening, she was falling, falling fast. She was going to end up on the ground, it was going to hurt... but she didn't. Yaz had clearly been watching, had known what was going to happen before it had happened because before she could crash to the ground in an undignified heap Yaz had stepped smartly in front of her and caught her, wrapping her arms firmly around her waist and stopping her descent, holding her stable. 

“You okay?” 

“M’fine.”

She nodded her head against Yaz’s shoulder though if she was honest, she wasn’t entirely sure. 

"You're shaking." 

"Am I?" 

"And your speech is slurring. Let's take a break." She adjusted her hold of the Doctor, keeping her arm firmly around her waist, not letting go for a moment, guiding her towards a nearby bench and helping her sit. 

“Do you think you’re going to have a seizure?” Yaz asked, crouching in front of her wife and watching her carefully. 

There was a long pause while the Doctor processed. 

“Don’t know.” She slurred eventually. 

“How’s your head?” 

The pause was longer this time. 

“Fuzzy.” 

Yaz weighed up their options. She was going down fast. They had been walking for forty minutes at a slow pace around the grounds but in this condition it was unlikely the Doctor could make it that far again, and the chances of her making it before the seizure Yaz was sure was coming were basically nil. But the oxygen was in the car. As was her wheelchair.

The Doctor let out a small moan, she looked very confused all of a sudden and Yaz knew they were out of time. It was coming and there was nothing either of them could do to stop it. 

“Okay, you’re okay but I think you’re going to have a seizure.” Yaz explained to her clearly. “I want to get you on the ground, is that okay?” 

Again the interminable wait while the Doctor processed the request before she gave a jerk of her head which Yaz took as consent. She gently untangled the Doctor’s crutches from where they were still resting on her arms and lowered her to the grass. She took off her coat and put it under the Doctor’s head to cushion it. 

“You’re safe Doctor.” Yaz promised her, stroking her arm. “I know you’re scared but I’ll be right by your side the whole time. Promise.”

The Doctor reached out clumsily and grabbed at Yaz. Yaz took her hand and the Doctor visibly relaxed. 

“Is everything okay over here?” asked a man with a broad local accent who had appeared from nowhere. He was wearing a thick green fleece with the logo of the castle on it and a name tag that read _Matt_. 

“Do you work here?” Yaz clarified, not taking her eyes off the Doctor who had a horribly vacant expression on her face as the earliest stage of the seizure started to take control over her brain. 

“Aye I do.” He confirmed. 

“Do you have a wheelchair in the visitor’s centre we can borrow? My wife has epilepsy.” Yaz explained. “She’s not well and I need to get her back to our car but she’s not strong enough to walk right now.” 

“Do you need an ambulance?” he asked, looking at how the Doctor was lying on the damp grass, drooling slightly. 

“She’s fine.” Yaz reassured him. “We just need some help to get her back to the car.” 

“I’ll go and get the wheelchair.” He promised, taking off at a jog, throwing a couple of glances behind him. 

He was just rounding the corner when the Doctor’s seizure hit in full force. Her eyes rolled in her skull first, her neck snapped back and then her whole body was affected. Foam leaked from her mouth as she let out a horrible, strangled sound and her body spasmed and jerked while Yaz held her on her side, talking to her quietly. 

“You’re alright love.” Yaz promised her, “I’m right here with you, you’re safe.” 

While the damp, muddy grass was making a mess of them both it was at least safe as the Doctor’s body slammed against it repeatedly, out of control as it always was. 

“You’re safe Doctor. I love you so much and you’re safe.” Yaz promised her. “I’m right here beside you and I won’t leave you.” 

Yaz had seen her wife have well over a hundred seizures now, probably closer to two hundred. But they never got any easier to watch. If anything they got harder and Yaz dreaded to think about the impact that they were having on both her brain and her body in the long term.

“Oh my God! Are you sure you don’t need an ambulance?” 

Matt was back, he had a clunky, manual wheelchair in front of him and was staring at the Doctor in horror. 

“No thank-you, we’re fine.” Yaz said firmly, stroking the Doctor’s hip and shoulder with her thumbs where she was keeping her stable. 

“But she…” 

“She’s fine and she can hear every word you’re saying right now, even if she can't respond. I need you to stay calm so that she’s calm too.” 

The man swallowed visibly, looking shaken but he nodded, almost as a reassurance to himself. 

“What can I do to help?” 

“Nothing, she just needs to ride it out. When it’s over I would appreciate the help in getting her back to our car though.” Yaz told him, not looking up as she concentrated on trying to provide the Doctor with the little comfort that she could. 

It was nearly fifteen minutes before the Doctor’s body began to still and she was released from the grips of the seizure. Her previous record had been eleven minutes and Yaz felt sick as she eased her into the recovery position and checked her breathing. She was letting out short, agonal gasps, she needed oxygen support as soon as possible. The seizure had been massive and Yaz dreaded to think about the toll it had taken on her. Usually, she was able to rouse the Doctor briefly after a seizure and she had been becoming increasingly independent after one had hit but this one was just too big. 

Placing her coat on the wheelchair to keep it clean, Yaz lifted the Doctor into the wheelchair, mindful of her head which lolled alarmingly. 

Really, Yaz thought, they could have done with the Beast, the Doctor was in no position to sit on her own and the chair had no seatbelt while it’s small wheels were going to jostle her badly on the way back. She carefully placed the Doctor’s feet on the footplates and improvised a poor seatbelt out of her coat to keep her as steady as possible. 

“Doctor, I’m going to take you back to the car now.” Yaz explained. “Matt who works here is going to help me, it might be a bit bumpy, but I’ll get you back to the cottage as soon as possible and you can rest properly.” 

“Are you sure you don’t need an ambulance?” Matt asked, looking at the Doctor uneasily.

Yaz smiled at him tiredly. “It’s fine Matt. She has seizures, they happen. She just needs to sleep it off now.”

Getting the Doctor back to the car was easier said than done. Matt was anxious to help but Yaz didn’t know him, she barely trusted her mum and Ryan to keep the Doctor safe when she was like this, let alone a stranger. But when they reached a flight of stairs she didn’t have a choice and she allowed Matt to carry the front of the Doctor’s wheelchair. Yaz might have got her up on her own _if_ the Doctor had been in her own wheelchair with large back wheels she could bump up the steps but in this small chair, it would have been an accident waiting to happen. 

“Are you sure you don’t need anything?” Matt asked a few minutes later as he watched Yaz manhandle the Doctor into their car and secure her harness to keep her upright. 

“We’re fine, thank-you for your help.” Yaz reassured him. “I have to get her home now but thank-you, she’ll be fine once she’s slept.” 

The drive back to the cottage was silent and Yaz was anxious to get the Doctor cleaned up and into bed. It was going to be easier said than done without access to their usual equipment. Annoyingly, the other cottage they had stayed in would have been even more accessible than their own home but this one had basically nothing to help them. Well, it wasn’t like they hadn’t lived like that before. At least it was all on one level. 

When they arrived back, Yaz left the Doctor where she was and headed inside, unlocking the front door and opening the door to the bedroom and bathroom to give them clear access. The bathroom did have a shower seat but no shower chair and with the Doctor unconscious she couldn’t sit on it, so a bed bath would have to suffice. Yaz covered the bed with towels before heading back out to the car to collect the Doctor. Her lips and fingers were still blue despite the high flow of oxygen Yaz had her on and Yaz propped her in an upright position in the bed as she undressed her and washed her with a face cloth and warm water before dressing her in pyjamas. When she was clean and dressed Yaz pulled the towels out from underneath her and laid her on her side, her head tilted back slightly to help her breathe and propped her up carefully with all the pillows they had before tucking her in and kissing her cheek. 

“I love you.” She whispered, smoothing the covers slightly, satisfying herself that for now, the Doctor was as comfortable as she could be before tiptoeing from the room, leaving her to sleep it off. 

The Doctor spent the rest of her day asleep. Yaz spent hers either checking on her wife while trying to distract herself in the small cottage or else sitting beside her.

By bedtime, when the Doctor still hadn’t woken up, Yaz made the decision to go to bed herself and set an alarm to go off in a couple of hours to check on her. If the Doctor should wake during the night, Yaz was sure she would be able to wake her somehow, the alarm was just precautionary.

She left a cup of fresh water with a straw in it beside the Doctor's side of the bed for her and turned her to prevent any pressure sores from appearing but also so they would be facing each other.. She didn't stir and Yaz climbed in beside her and chatted to her quietly for a few minutes while she held her hand, telling her the time, that she was going to bed, reminding her where they were. 

_Yaz walked back into the living room where the Doctor was resting. She had shifted a little and didn’t look very comfortable anymore._

_“I’m gonna adjust you a little okay love?” Yaz explained to her._

_Predictably, the Doctor didn’t respond and Yaz undid her straps, leaned her forward and shifted her back in her wheelchair. As Yaz manipulated her sore, almost rigid limbs in an attempt to provide her with some comfort she let out a high pitched mewl, like a kitten in distress. Yaz tightened the harness across the Doctor’s chest slightly to help her stay upright and put a wedge of foam between her knees to stop her slipping forward again. She added pillows under the Doctor’s feet and then carefully adjusted her head against her headrest to relieve any stress on her neck, mindful of the feeding tube taped to her cheek and the ventilator protruding from her throat._

_Yaz took a tissue and wiped her mouth where she was dribbling again. The Doctor didn’t react at all, she didn’t even look in Yaz’s direction as she tucked a blanket around her legs to keep her warm._

_As she settled the Doctor's hands on top of the blanket, Yaz noticed how her hands were curling into tight fists again and she pulled the Doctor's splints from the drawer._

_“I’m going to try and straighten out your hands for you love.” Yaz explained. “If it’s too much for you, try and let me know.”_

_Yaz watched the Doctor’s face carefully for any signs of discomfort as she slowly and carefully massaged the Doctor’s stiff and painful hands and stretched them over her splints which she secured to the arms of her wheelchair to prevent them from becoming uncomfortable and causing more spasms._

_“Shall we go for a walk?” Yaz suggested. “Get you out for a while now you're feeling a bit better? We haven't been out for a few days and I think we could both do with some fresh air.”_

_But the Doctor didn’t answer. Her mouth was slack and her eyes vacant. She wasn’t even really aware of Yaz’s presence anymore, Yaz could have been anyone. It was just the two of them, accompanied by the quiet hiss of the ventilator as it breathed for the Doctor._

_In the end, a seizure had just been too much for her body to deal with. It had been too long, too violent and too painful. When it had finally ended, she hadn’t been able to breathe, even with the highest amount of oxygen Yaz had been able to provide her with and her body had never regained the ability. And even though Martha had raced down from Scotland and inserted a ventilator it had been too late to prevent the additional brain damage that had occurred._

_“I love you.” Yaz told her, kissing her forehead gently. “So much. But I really miss you.”_

_But there was nothing left of the woman she had married to respond._

The Doctor woke suddenly but she wasn't sure why. It was dark and her head ached. But something was tugging at her thoughts. She was in bed, but it wasn't her bed. Where was she? She tried to lift her head to see the room, but it felt like it was made of lead, it sent a shooting pain from her head, down her neck and into her body and her head fell back to the pillow. She blinked a couple of times, trying to clear the fuzziness but it wasn't working. Had she been drugged? Hit over the head?

Seizure. 

She must have had a seizure, that would explain everything and suddenly her head felt marginally less like her brains had been replaced with cotton wool. The thought that something important was happening persisted but she couldn't work out what.

She was on her side, propped up with pillows and she could dimly feel the oxygen mask which was strapped to her face. Instead of attempting to lift her head again she rolled it experimentally across the pillow. 

And then she realised what was causing her mental pull. 

Yaz. 

Yaz was curled up in a tight ball and she was crying. Huge, fat tears rolling down her cheek and soaking the pillow below. What had happened? Was she still asleep?

The Doctor tried to speak to her, but no words came out, just a lot of drool which pooled revoltingly in the mask.

Could she move? She wasn't sure. Yaz had wedged her in firmly with pillows like she always did after a seizure and she was aware of just how heavy her body was and just how much it ached.

She was lying on her right side, her left arm supported by a poofy, sinky pillow and it took all her concentration to lift it a few inches and straighten it a little as she attempted to move it closer to Yaz but it fell heavily to the mattress without her permission.

She groaned loudly in frustration though the sound was muffled by the oxygen mask that was still on her face. Yaz had spent years dealing with her nightmares and now she needed that same support but the Doctor couldn't reciprocate. 

Screwing up her face, she tried again. It really hurt to move but she pushed that thought aside. concentrating on her attempt to wake Yaz and relieve her of her nightmare as she cried out, her face creasing in distress.

Her hand crept slowly across the mattress, there were barely more than a few inches between them, but it felt like she was moving through a vat of treacle. She had to allow herself a moment to rest as her cool fingers finally made contact with Yaz's wrist. She was warm, too warm probably and she shook Yaz’s wrist in an attempt to rouse her. 

Yaz let out a cry but she didn't wake, instead crying harder and mumbling something the Doctor couldn't make out, even with her sensitive hearing. 

"Yaz, wake up!" the Doctor called insistently. Or at least that was what it was supposed to sound like. If Yaz had understood that garble it would have been a miracle, even if she had been awake. She pulled at Yaz's hand again.

Watching her and being so useless to help was painful. 

"Yaz, you need to wake up love. I love you, you're safe and I need you to wake up, you're dreaming." the Doctor said loudly.

Well, she attempted to. She was producing more drool than intelligible words but Yaz was better than anyone else at understanding her when her speech was poor. 

She moved her hand further up Yaz's arm until it met her damp cheek. The pillow was sodden, she must have been crying for a while, and she tapped Yaz's cheek insistently. It wasn't the nicest way to wake someone, but she thought it was most likely to work and she didn’t want Yaz to suffer for another moment. 

It worked. Yaz sat up very suddenly, leaning over her knees as she gasped for breath. She was shaking and looked around in bewilderment as she struggled to gain control over herself. The Doctor reached out and clumsily settled her hand on top of Yaz's but Yaz flinched at the contact, snatching her hand away and rubbing her hands against her legs hard as though she was trying to regain feeling in them. 

"Yaz?" the Doctor called, frustrated as the word turned to mush in her mouth.

But Yaz didn't even acknowledge her, she looked so far away, so scared. 

The Doctor tried to roll onto her back, if she could manage that then maybe she could sit up. If she could sit, she would be close enough to Yaz to hug her and hold her, if Yaz would let her. She wriggled as much as she could and tried to shove the pillows in her front out of the way but she couldn't. They wouldn't budge at all. Of course they didn't. Yaz had been doing this for her for a long time now, they were placed carefully, specifically to stop her moving, especially if she had a seizure. 

The Doctor was growing more and more worried by the second. She couldn't see Yaz's face, but her body was still, in the moonlight she looked like she'd been chiselled from marble. 

The Doctor used her whole arm to knock her oxygen mask off her face, accidentally punching herself in the nose while she did so. She was slightly easier to understand without the mask, but it didn't make any difference. Yaz either couldn't or wouldn't respond when she spoke. 

That was, until she started wheezing slightly. Yaz's head snapped to the side though it was like she couldn't even see her wife as she mechanically put the oxygen mask back over the Doctor's face to support her breathing. It was like watching a zombie, was she even awake?

Then suddenly, Yaz's face morphed from frozen horror to panic and she catapulted herself out of bed, staggering towards the bathroom where the Doctor could hear her retching. She was desperate to get up and go to her. She was her _wife_ for crying out loud, but she couldn't move. Couldn't even get her a glass of water or hold in her arms. There was a long period of silence coming from the bathroom. The Doctor tried to call out, but her voice wouldn't cooperate, and she was too hindered by the mask anyway. But she was starting to panic. What if Yaz was hurt? What if she needed help? The Doctor renewed her efforts to sit up but her body refused to play ball, refused to move, to do its job and she bit back a scream of anger. It wouldn't help but it would upset Yaz. 

Finally, finally, there came the sound of the toilet flushing and the tap running. She couldn't be sure, but it sounded like Yaz was brushing her teeth. Then there was silence again. It was nearly another ten minutes before Yaz appeared, holding the wall for support as she stumbled towards the bed and sank onto it heavily, her feet still on the floor and facing away from the Doctor. 

"Ya-sh?" For goodness sake why wouldn't her words just come out. 

Yaz's head twitched slightly, the most acknowledgement she had given the Doctor since she had woken, more than half an hour before. In the dim moonlight the Doctor could see that Yaz was trembling and upset. 

Summoning up the very little energy she still had the Doctor managed to reach out to her wife, managing to hit her lightly in the back with all the grace of a baby giraffe.

Yaz jumped but she didn't turn round. 

"Ya-sh... ta... ...me" she demanded. Of course, she had tried to say 'Yaz, talk to me.' but hopefully Yaz understood anyway. 

Slowly, very slowly, Yaz turned round to face her but she didn't manage to look her in the eye, instead staring at her knees. She didn't look well, a sheen of sweat on her skin, trembling lightly all over. She ignored the Doctor's outstretched hand, closing in on herself. 

"Ya... hol... ha." she slurred, twitching her fingers.

_Yaz, hold my hand._

There was a long pause where neither of them moved or spoke. 

Then finally, Yaz moved her hand, just a little and the Doctor took the opportunity to reach out and take it, curling her own fingers around Yaz's as best as she could. She couldn't be sure, but it looked like Yaz relaxed very slightly under her touch. She was clenching and unclenching her fists rhythmically, clearly trying to ground herself. The Doctor longed to help her, to talk her through, guiding her away from the all-encompassing fear the way Yaz had done countless times for her but she couldn't. All she could do was lie there and hold her hand and mumble what were unintelligible but hopefully soothing sounds. 

"Say... Ya... ...lu...oo." You're safe Yaz. I love you. 

It took a very long time for Yaz to start to settle herself. The Doctor knew she was calming herself down when her fingers stopped clenching and unclenching and she was able to hold the Doctor's hand properly, though she was still refusing to look at her. 

“Ya-sh, lo… me.”

The Doctor gripped Yaz’s hand a little tighter, trying to provoke a reaction from her. Anything would do.

Yaz let out a soft sigh but finally raised her head just enough to meet the Doctor’s gaze.

“Wa.. ta… …it?”

_Do you want to talk about it?_

Yaz gave an almost imperceptible shake.

The Doctor gave her hand a gentle tug, trying to pull her in closer so she could hold her. At first, Yaz resisted but the Doctor persisted and Yaz sank, slowly and rigidly back towards the bed where she lay stiff as a board, staring at the ceiling.

“… … ho… you.”

_Can I hold you?”_

Yaz didn’t answer one way or the other and the Doctor risked slowly winding her arm around Yaz as best she could. Yaz didn’t protest but she didn’t move either.

Although the Doctor couldn’t hold her close like she wanted to, she hoped the weight of her arm across Yaz’s chest was helping her stay grounded and reminding her how much she was loved even though the Doctor was struggling to say it right now.

Her mind raced as she tried to work out what had happened that had upset Yaz so much. She was 99% sure she had had a seizure, presumably in the castle grounds because she had no recollection of leaving there. But she’d had a lot of seizures now, surely that hadn’t upset Yaz to this extent? They weren’t pleasant and she was sure they were even worse for Yaz who had to witness them and deal with them. She was fairly sure she had had the seizure in public meaning Yaz had had to haul her back to the car while she was unconscious, and now she thought about it she had been walking earlier which would mean Yaz hadn't even had her wheelchair to get her back to the car. And it had clearly been serious because she was basically non-verbal and immobile not to mention her dependence on oxygen for right now. 

Then she noticed that Yaz had started to cry. Small tears leaking out of her eyes and running in a rivulet down her cheek. 

"Ya-sh... ...here"

_Yaz come here._

To the Doctor's relief Yaz rolled over towards her. The Doctor nudged again at the pillow that was supporting her chest and this time Yaz helped her, pulling it out of the way and curling in against her wife's chest, burrowing her face against the soft fleece of her pyjamas. The Doctor was _so_ relieved. While she wasn't happy that Yaz was so upset, the crying was much better than the terrifying silence. She wrapped her arm around Yaz as best as she could, holding her close and managing to stroke her hair. She leaned her own head against the top of Yaz's, she still didn't know what had happened, but she could smell how afraid Yaz had been, the fear was still there. 

The Doctor held Yaz for a long time, long enough that her pyjama top was completely soaked, that Yaz was a quivering, soggy mess and long enough that her own arm was completely dead after lying in the same position for so long. It seemed like Yaz had settled into an uneasy doze. She was still making small, snuffly noises and when the Doctor had attempted to move her arm Yaz had cried out again, so she left it there. A dead arm was a small price to pay to help Yaz feel safe and she planted a gentle kiss on the top of her wife's head. 

  
  


The next thing the Doctor knew, there were birds singing outside the window. She must have fallen asleep again at some point and she wasn't sure what time it was, but it was definitely mid-morning, much later than either of them normally slept, probably due to the fact that they had both been up for a large part of the night. Yaz had shifted a little during the night, she was even closer to the Doctor than she had been, it wasn't a position they slept in very often, the Doctor knew her low body temperature made Yaz cold but Yaz had clearly needed the comfort. 

"Are you awake?" the Doctor asked. Her words were muffled behind the oxygen mask that she was still wearing but only a little more slurred than normal. Her head still ached, and her eyes burned in the too bright room while her body felt like it had been hit by a bus, but it was still an improvement over how she had been in the middle of the night. She clumsily pulled the mask off, letting it fall onto the pillow.

Yaz gave a small nod against her chest and the Doctor swept some hair away from Yaz's face, relieved that her arm responded more readily than it had the night before. 

"What happened last night Yaz?"

Yaz sighed. 

"Bad dream." she mumbled against the Doctor's chest. 

"What happened?"

"It doesn't matter." Yaz said softly, attempting to pull away but the Doctor held her close.

"It does matter Yaz. If you were so upset that you were physically sick, then it definitely matters."

Yaz shrugged.

"It was about me wasn't it?" the Doctor surmised correctly. "That's why you don't want to tell me isn't it?"

"You had a seizure, you're not well."

"I have brain damage Yaz, the seizures happen," the Doctor said bluntly "neither you nor I can control them, but it doesn't mean I'm not an equal part of this relationship. Don't wrap me up in cotton wool, I can still be with you and understand you and be there for you even when my body or my speech won't cooperate."

Yaz pulled herself away and sat up, she was fiddling with the duvet cover and staring at her knees. When she spoke, her voice was small and hoarse. 

"I dreamt about you," she admitted slowly. "You were sick. No... not sick. That's not what I meant. You were worse. Worse than you've ever been and the brain damage... you were like Lucy, you had a ventilator and a feeding tube and you couldn't do anything for yourself, you didn't even know I was there."

The Doctor tried to sit herself up but it didn't really work. She knew Yaz had had dreams like that before though she thought they had stopped.

"Yaz I wish I could promise you that that's never going to happen, but I can't. I don't think it's very likely, I know I still have seizures but they're getting less and less frequent. I used to have them almost daily, sometimes more, now they're only once a month or there abouts."

Yaz didn't say anything, she just kept playing with the duvet.

"Yaz we're gonna be okay love. Both of us. You can't spend your life worrying about something that'll probably never happen, it's no way to live."

"You can't promise though."

"No one can promise you that Yaz. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Graham's cancer could come back. Ryan could fall down the stairs. I _could_ have a seizure that serious. But my point is Yaz, that tomorrow isn't promised to any of us. So, we just have to live our days as best we can and be as happy as we can. I love you Yaz. So much more than I can tell you, I meant that when I said it on our wedding day and I will spend the rest of our time together proving it to you and trying to make you happy so that if there's ever a time where we can't say it anymore, we both know it's true."

Yaz nodded and the Doctor was fairly sure she was crying again. 

She finally managed to free herself of the pillows that were restricting her movement and awkwardly pushed herself up into a sitting position, so she was beside Yaz. Adjusting herself for better balance to compensate, she pulled Yaz in close. "We're safe Yaz. Both of us are safe and loved." she whispered, rubbing Yaz's back. 

  
  


  
  


They adjusted their plans for the day. Their morning consisted of nothing more strenuous than a short walk along the paths surrounding the cottage, the Doctor was still on supplemental oxygen through her nasal cannula and Yaz was pushing her wheelchair for her. She napped after lunch but when she woke up later that afternoon she was feeling stronger and was anxious to get out and make the most of their last evening before they went home. 

When they arrived in central Galway, they found a parking space near the river and Yaz helped the Doctor out of the car. The nap that afternoon had done her a lot of good and she was walking, one hand in Yaz's, the other leaning heavily on her crutch. It was a long, old street, mostly packed with small independent shops and there was still a lively atmosphere with just enough people but not too many to make it crowded. 

They wandered in and out of the shops casually, picking up a ragdoll in an Irish Dancer's dress for Maisie as well as a children's anthology of Irish legends and some sweets that were made locally. 

"Let's go in here." the Doctor said, suddenly veering off the main path and into a smaller side street towards a pink shop front. 

"Why do you want to go into a bead shop?" Yaz asked, confused, as she followed her wife. 

Inside was like an Aladdin’s cave. Big beads, small beads, colourful, plain, wooden, metal, plastic, glass all sitting in tubs waiting to be discovered. 

"I want to make you something."

"I don't need jewellery to make me happy Doctor, I'm not that kind of girl."

"I know, and I love that about you but this is different. I want to make you something that's special for you. Don't peek!" she lifted one of the small tubs and walked over to the closest display of beads. 

Yaz couldn't help but feel like it might end badly - she wasn't all that stable and if she stumbled in here and caused an avalanche the resulting mess would take days to clean up. And her hands, while no longer frozen in place, were far from dexterous. 

She picked up a pot of her own. If the Doctor was making something special for her then she wanted to make something too. The Doctor really wasn't a jewellery person, apart from anything else, she was so scarred in all the places a person traditionally wore jewellery it was generally painful for her to wear but maybe she could make her something else.

Yaz started on the opposite side of the room and was instantly drawn in by a selection of beads that were almost science themed - test tubes and symbols and best of all, planets and stars. She carefully selected a few of them and then worked her way around, selecting a few other beads, a plan forming in her head. 

Yaz wandered around, checking on a few more. The woman who owned the shop had gone over to help her and was picking up the beads for her under the Doctor’s quiet instructions.

When they were finished, both Yaz and the Doctor paid separately, keeping their purchases private, in the small, white, paper bags which they both hid in their pockets from one another as they left the shop, laughing as though they were holding the crown jewels and state secrets.

By the time they made it out the sky had darkened a little more but the streets were still busy, overhead lights strung between the shops. They wandered into a couple of other shops the Doctor was like the literal kid in a candy shop. The man who worked in the shop was excited by such an enthusiastic customer and Yaz rolled her eyes as the Doctor sampled everything she was offered. It was such a contrast to where they had been 24 hours before – the Doctor unconscious and unresponsive in bed, dependent on oxygen to breathe. Now she was bouncing around choosing chocolates which she said were for other people but Yaz knew full well that if she didn’t confiscate them later, the Doctor would have them all eaten before bed.

They walked a little further down the street until they were hit by a tantalising scent.

“Pizza?” they asked each other simultaneously and laughed, heading into the small, dark pizzeria by the name of Fat Freddy’s. Inside it was warm and cramped with red and white chequered oil cloths and candles on each table set into wine bottles with years’ worth of melted wax dripping down the sides. They were shown to a table in the corner which gave them the perfect view of the open kitchen where chef’s were busy hand stretching and rolling pizza dough.

“Thank-you,” Yaz said suddenly.

“Whatever for?”

“Everything.”

The Doctor wrinkled her brow.

“Just, I love you. And I am so perfectly happy being here with you. So thank-you for being you.”

The Doctor pushed the candle out of her way and took Yaz’s hands.

“In that case Yasmin Khan, thank-you for being you too because I think you’re the most incredible human on the planet and I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is the end of our story, only the epilogue to go. As most of you know, I will be following this up. It won't be a full sequel but it will be a series of one shots or short groups of chapters set in this universe. I have a lot of ideas of things that will happen in the sequel but I honestly have no idea about how to write the epilogue, when to set it etc. and would love any thoughts or ideas! Let me know what you want to see and I will indulge as many of you as possible!


	100. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly don't know what to say. 
> 
> Today marks one year to the day since I published Chapter 1. 
> 
> 100 chapters. More than half a million words, 533622 to be exact (which is about the length of The Prisoner of Azkaban, the Goblet of Fire and the Order of the Phoenix put together). I am in shock that this is over, it has got me through some of the worst times any of us have been through and if it has helped any of you out there then I'm honoured. 
> 
> There are so many people I need to thank for their unending support and I hope I haven't missed any out.  
> To WalkerLister and Emmyphant for always supporting me, to KESWriter who's been here since the start, to JForward without whom the Doctor never would have got a brain infection, to Shambling for being so kind. And to everyone who has ever left me a review or a comment, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate them and how honoured I am to receive each and every one of them. 
> 
> As most of you know, Shattered is now finished but as you will no doubt surmise from the ending, the story is not complete and there will be a series of one shots set during the course of their lives together. 
> 
> I am also writing an AU piece called Fish in a Tree which I hope to start publishing in a few weeks so look out for that!
> 
> If you have been reading but have never left me a note or a comment before, I would love to hear your final thoughts. 
> 
> Thank-you to everyone who has supported me with this in any way. See you in the sequel!

Fifteen-year-old Maisie Allen-Khan tapped her foot impatiently as she waited for Graham to arrive. It was finally the summer holidays and Yaz was _supposed_ to have collected her to bring her home an hour ago, but Jane wasn’t well _again_ and now Graham was coming to collect her because Yaz couldn’t leave her on her own.

It wasn’t _fair_!

It wasn’t fair on Jane either. She didn’t ask to be sick.

But now Yaz wasn’t coming to collect her and the other kids got collected by their mums and she wasn’t.

She liked Graham, he was like her grandad. She had a real Grandad too, Hakim. When Yaz and Jane had adopted her officially, about a year ago, as well as gaining two mums she had also gained an aunt and grandparents.

They were Yaz’s family, Jane was like her, she didn’t have a family that were related to her by blood, but she said Yaz’s family was like hers too, that’s why she liked to be called Jane Khan when she wasn’t at work and why Maisie was Maisie Allen-Khan. And she said Graham was like her Grandad. He was like Ryan’s grandad and Yaz’s grandad too. She wrinkled her nose, it was a bit confusing, but she didn’t care because she had a family of her very own and they loved her a lot.

Yaz and Jane always said they loved her no matter what because that’s what it meant to be family.

She liked that.

It made her feel safe.

Even when Jane had told her that it wasn’t her real name, that her real name was The Doctor. But she said it was okay to call her Jane.

Finally, she recognised the car pulling up outside on the drive, Graham had arrived, and she jumped up, her backpack in one hand and Honey tucked firmly under her arm.

“Hi love, how are you?” he asked, kissing her cheek and taking her bag off her, throwing it into the boot.

“I’m okay, I threw up this morning but I'm better now,” she hesitated, “what’s wrong with Jane?”

Graham hoisted her suitcase and holdall into the boot before he got into the car and Maisie got in nervously beside him.

“The usual kiddo. She had one of her big seizures yesterday and it made her poorly.”

Graham always called her kiddo, she liked it. He called her lots of funny names, like cockle and darlin’ and munchkin too. Jane called her Maisie Bug sometimes, that was her favourite. But she didn’t like it when Jane was poorly.

When she was younger Jane had been poorly a _lot_. Sometimes it had felt like it was all the time but now it didn’t happen so much anymore, only sometimes. And Yaz let her help look after Jane and make her feel better. Yaz had to take care of Jane when she was poorly because Jane couldn’t go to hospital, she was an actual real alien and doctors in a hospital might not understand. They might even take her away. So it was a big secret. She felt very proud that Jane and Yaz trusted her with their big secret.

But she was sad that Jane had to be poorly today. Normally at the end of term Jane and Yaz would take her out for pizza to celebrate and she would be going out with them knowing they were _her_ family for ever and ever because that was what it meant when you were adopted.

And they never ever hurt her, not like her other family had, she didn’t like to think about them. Not even when Margaret, her therapist at school, made her talk about them. Even when she did something really bad, they didn’t shout at her or hit her. Like the time she had sat on Jane’s glasses by mistake and they broke. Or the time she was helping Yaz cook and she dropped the whole carton of twelve eggs and they made a _huge_ mess. Yaz said they had to use their words to sort out their problems instead. And she was a police officer so she would know.

It didn’t take Graham long to drive her home and she stared out the window while he drove. He had loud music playing, really old music, she pretended she didn’t like it but secretly she did.

“Are you coming in?” Maisie asked as he drew up outside.

“Not today cockle, I have to go to my work now.”

“Oh, okay,” she sighed. She liked it when they had visitors. But she liked it when it was just her and Yaz and Jane too.

Graham didn’t go to proper work, not like Yaz, she was an important police officer, or like Jane, she was a teacher at university, he just went sometimes because he was really old. She wasn’t sure how old he was exactly but Ryan had told her he was really old and he lived with Graham so he would know.

“But you’ll come see me Sunday like you always do?”

“Will Ryan be there too?”

Graham laughed. “Am I not good enough for you on my own?” he teased. “I’m sure he will unless he’s with your Auntie Sonya.”

“Okay,” Maisie agreed. “What are we cooking?”

“I haven’t thought about it yet kiddo, is there anything you want?”

“Uhhh… beef! Then we can have Yorkshire Pudding.”

“Sounds like a plan Stan! See you Sunday,” Graham agreed easily.

It was one of his biggest pleasures that the Doctor, Yaz and Maisie came round to his and Ryan’s house for Sunday dinner every week.

Maisie giggled.

“My name’s not Stan!”

“Isn’t it?” Graham asked, scratching his chin and looking confused. “In that case, see you Sunday Penelope!”

“Graham!” she laughed.

Graham was silly lots, she loved that, he was always happy and made her feel good.

Maisie hugged him goodbye and skipped up the front steps to the house. She proudly took her key out of her pocket and unlocked the door. Yaz and Jane always kept the door locked and only really important people were allowed a key, she had gotten one when she was adopted.

Yaz said they kept it locked because she was a police officer and it was a safe thing to do but she knew that was only a little part of the reason. Jane got really scared sometimes and she didn’t feel safe if the door was unlocked. Lots of things made Jane feel not safe but Yaz was good at looking after her and there weren’t so many things anymore. But they still always kept the door locked. Sometimes, when Jane didn’t think anyone was looking, she would go and check that the door was locked. Yaz said it was just something she had to do and they didn’t need to make a fuss about it.

Maisie carefully put her key on her special keyring Jane had made just for her back in her pocket and dumped her suitcase in the hall but she was careful to lean it against the wall. If Jane was in her wheelchair, she would need more room to get past.

“Hi sweetheart, you okay?” Yaz asked, appearing from her office and wrapping her in a hug.

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry we couldn’t come and collect you.”

She shrugged. “That’s okay.”

It wasn’t really, but it wasn’t Jane’s fault she got poorly sometimes. She had been hurt by lots of bad people, that was why she looked funny and why she had one leg instead of two and why she got scared. And then her brain had got sick and that was why she got poorly and had seizures and talked funny. It was a lot to remember.

“Did you learn anything good today?”

“No silly, it was the last day of term, we got to do fun things like organising the cupboards in the classrooms and making sure our rooms were ‘summer ready’… but I brought a new book to read to Jane.”

Yaz smiled at that. “She’ll really like that, you can read it to her now if you like, she’s in the living room and I think she’s awake.”

“Okay!” Maisie loved reading to Jane.

When she first met Jane and Yaz, she didn’t know how to read, and Jane had read to her lots and lots, but now she did. She wasn’t a really, really good reader, not like her friend Michael, he could read the Harry Potter books all by himself, but she could read some books and now she read them to Jane. But Jane still read to her too. Even when she was poorly, Maisie could go and get into bed beside her and even if she had to hold the book open for Jane to read from, as long as she could talk, she would read for a little while. Sometimes she couldn’t talk though.

Maisie dumped her bag on the table in the kitchen and fished her book out from inside it – _The Hodgeheg_ by Dick King-Smith. It was very funny, all about a hedgehog who kept getting mixed up after he got a bang on his head, that was why he thought he was a hodgeheg instead of a hedgehog. She wondered if Jane would find it funny too, she had got her head hurt too but she didn’t really get mixed up. Yaz said if she got mixed up it meant she was going to have a seizure and Maisie needed to tell her or someone else who could help her.

When she had extracted her book, Maisie helped herself to some juice from the fridge, pouring a glass for herself and finding one of Jane’s special cups with a straw as well as the box that the biscuits were kept in. Balancing it carefully on her book she walked into the living room.

There was music playing quietly in there and Jane had her eyes closed. Maisie tiptoed in and put her supplies on the side table, looking at Jane carefully. It must have been a bad seizure, her hands were both splinted and strapped to the arms of the wheelchair, there were pillows under her feet, she was wearing the full harness and had the oxygen that went up her nose.

When she was younger, seeing Jane so sick had made her really upset and nervous. She still didn’t like it, but it wasn’t scary anymore. Yaz always took really good care of her and she was usually okay after she had lots of sleep.

Jane opened her eye as Maisie put the cup and plate down and greeted her with a tired looking smile. Her smile was a bit funny looking, she could only move one half of her face, the half that had all the scars and burns didn’t really move at all, so when she smiled her face twisted and looked a bit scary.

Maisie had decided a long time ago that she didn’t care. Because even if it looked a bit scary, Jane smiled at her because she wanted to. Because she loved her. Because she was her mum.

“Hi,” Maisie greeted her quietly.

If Jane had had a big seizure then her head was probably really sore. She couldn’t really hug Jane when she was strapped into her chair like that and usually her body was really painful like that anyway, so she settled for rubbing Jane’s hands and briefly resting her head on Jane’s shoulder.

“I brought us a new book,” Maisie explained, holding her book up so Jane could see it. “But I want my snack first, I brought you one too.”

Jane didn’t speak. That was okay, sometimes she couldn’t.

Maisie showed her her cup. “Do you want some?”

Jane gave a small, slow nod and opened her mouth. Maisie carefully put the straw in her mouth and held the cup still. She knew Jane hated it when she couldn’t do things for herself, especially feeding herself, but she let her family help her. Usually, it was Yaz who helped her, sometimes Ryan or Najia or, not very often, someone else. Maisie liked looking after Jane and helping her, but Jane wouldn’t let her do very many things. She said it wasn’t fair on Maisie because it was her job to look after Maisie and not the other way round.

When she had finished the drink, Maisie held a custard cream for her to eat while eating her own at the same time. When she had eaten her biscuit Maisie could see she had dribbled again. That happened because her mouth had scars that made it hard for Jane to close her mouth and because after a seizure her muscles weren’t very strong so that made it even harder to close her mouth. She had seen Yaz wipe her face for her lots of times, but she had never done it. But it probably wasn’t hard. She lifted a tissue from the box on the table and wiped Jane’s face. She went a bit red and looked at the floor but she didn’t ask Maisie to stop. Or scream. Sometimes when she was scared she screamed and Yaz would have to help her calm down and sometimes take her to bed so she could feel safe and sleep. 

“Do you need anything?” Maisie asked, the same way Yaz always did.

Jane shook her head with a soft smile.

“Can I read you my book or do you need to sleep?”

Jane smiled at her again and nodded her head at the book on the table and Maisie grinned.

“I’m going to push you beside the sofa,” she explained, taking the brakes off her wheelchair and pushing her close to the sofa so they could sit next to each other.

She liked pushing Jane’s wheelchair for her. It made her feel proud and important because Jane trusted her. It was a big responsibility to push Jane’s wheelchair and she didn’t like it when other people touched her wheelchair, you had to ask first.

With Jane in the right place, Maisie climbed up onto the sofa beside her. She rested a cushion beside the wheelchair so it wasn’t uncomfortable and then snuggled in beside her, leaning her head against Jane’s shoulder and started to read.

The Doctor lasted about twenty minutes before she fell asleep and Maisie wandered off to find Yaz.

“Yaz, can we still go out for pizza tonight?”

Yaz finished typing her sentence before she looked up. “Not tonight sweetheart, Jane isn’t well enough.”

“But we always go for pizza when I come home from school,” Maisie whined.

Yaz watched her, she had a look on her face that, after all this time, Yaz knew only too well, like a dark shadow had clouded over her face.

The sweet girl who had arrived home had been replaced by her much darker counterpart, sometimes the switch between the two was so rapid it practically caused Yaz to have whiplash. It reminded Yaz of the earlier days of the Doctor’s recovery when she was constantly on the verge of simmering over into anger. Just like with the Doctor, Maisie’s anger was always just below the surface and there was often no telling what might make it appear.

“I know we do sweetheart, but Jane is sick and I can't leave her here on her own. We can order pizza and have it delivered to the house instead. 

Maisie stamped her foot, her face outraged. “It’s not the same!” she screamed and flounced out of the room, stomping dramatically up the stairs.

Yaz let her go. Sometimes, it was like parenting a toddler, not a fifteen-year-old and she had to bear in mind that it wasn’t Maisie’s fault. She had been let down so badly in her early childhood, and that she had not learned those crucial, early things that all children need if they were to grow into happy and successful adults. And it was their job to help her learn them now before it was too late.

Yaz gave Maisie ten minutes to calm down and, after checking on the Doctor who was still sleeping quietly, Yaz went upstairs to check on Maisie who was lying on her bed holding Honey.

“I’m sorry Yaz.”

“I know sweetheart. I know you find it hard when Jane’s poorly.”

“Is she going to be poorly forever?” Maisie asked, sitting up and leaning against Yaz.

“Jane has brain damage Maisie. The way she is now is probably how she will always be; she’ll be fine for a couple of weeks and then she’ll have a seizure and need me to look after her for a few days and then she’ll be fine again.” Yaz explained and not for the first time.

“She had to learn to do lots of things again… will she learn to do more things?”

“Probably not,” Yaz answered honestly. “Her brain has had five years to get better since she got sick. The things she can't do now she probably won’t ever be able to do… but you know that doesn’t mean she loves you any less don’t you? She will always love you and look after you the very best that she can, just like I will, even if sometimes she can't talk to you or give you hugs the way she wants to.”

“Yeah I know.”

“Good. It’s really important to her that you know that.”

“Yaz… can we have a pizza picnic because we can't go out?”

Yaz smiled. Maisie was fifteen on the outside but inside she was no more than eight or nine.

“I’m sure we can,” she laughed. We can sit outside if Jane is okay and if not, we can still eat in the living room how does that sound?”

Maisie nodded.

“Why don’t you come down with me and do your homework for a bit while I finish work and then we can order dinner, how does that sound?”

“I hate homework,” Maisie grumbled, scowling. “No one else gets homework in the summer.”

“No one likes homework but we still have to do it.”

Yaz didn’t point out that at her age, most students did get homework in preparation for their GCSE’s which Maisie should be able to sit the following year but wouldn’t, there was no way she was academically ready, her academic skills were almost a decade behind where they should be. And therefore the small amount of academic work she had to complete each week just to stop her forgetting everything over the summer was necessary.

“Fine,” Maisie huffed, standing up slowly. “But I'm bringing my music.”

By the time the pizza had arrived, the Doctor’s body had been overtaken by tremors, an uncomfortable and unpleasant part of her seizure recovery and she was miserable. Yaz slowly fed her miniscule bites of pizza but as soon as she had eaten a slice and had point blank refused more, Yaz took her down to bed. She just needed to sleep it off.

When she was in bed and settled for the night, Maisie appeared round the door. 

“Hi,” the Doctor breathed. Her speech was coming back though it wasn’t brilliant.

“Can I give you a hug before you go to sleep?” Maisie asked in a small voice.

The Doctor smiled at her and patted the bed clumsily, watching as Maisie climbed in beside her and lifted her arm up so she could wrap it round her waist. 

“Hey… what’s… matter?” she asked, feeling Maisie begin to shake beside her.

“You’re poorly and I got really mad at you.”

“That’s… okay,” the Doctor reassured her, inwardly cursing her inability to communicate effectively right now.

“But it’s not fair.”

“I… know,” she mumbled against Maisie’s hair and flexing her arm, so it cuddled her a little more closely. It wasn’t much but it was what she could offer for right now. 

Maisie’s problems were only getting worse as she got older and for now, both Yaz and the Doctor cherished every moment they could spend with her and support her.

*****

“How are you this morning?” Yaz asked, walking into their bedroom. The evening before she had had to feed her wife dinner, shower her, dress her and put her to bed for the second night in a row. But now she was sitting independently, a very good sign.

The Doctor considered. “Sore, but my heads clear.”

“Good.”

“Where’s Maisie?”

“At Lilly’s, I dropped her off and made waited until I saw her go inside… I asked Lilly’s parents to text me when she leaves or if she and Lilly go out anywhere.”

“I feel like we’re spying on her.”

“We are spying on her,” Yaz pointed out bluntly. “She broke our trust; she has to earn it back. Her awful childhood is no excuse for the way she’s been behaving. It’s like having two separate Maisie’s sometimes.”

Yaz didn’t think she would ever get over the night, not long after the adoption had gone through just two weeks after her fourteenth birthday, when they had received a phone call from the local hospital where Maisie had been admitted after an accidental overdose. And that was after they had caught her drinking more than once. The two of them had spent a terrifying night sitting beside her while she was unconscious in a busy A&E department.

And then it had happened again just a few months ago.

It was horrible, not being able to trust her, and regularly created an unpleasant atmosphere in the house when she was at home… or when something happened in school. It was supposed to be secure, but it couldn’t prevent everything. But they were both determined not to give up on her. She was acting out, but it couldn’t last for ever.

“When she came into me yesterday she was so sweet, it was like having the old Maisie back,” The Doctor admitted.

“What were you two up to?”

“She came in really quietly, woke me up by rubbing my hands instead of shouting at me or getting cross or poking me. She made us both a snack,” the Doctor blushed, “she had to feed me mine… and wipe my face and then she moved me beside the sofa and curled up beside me to read me her book. She was so gentle and considerate, she didn’t touch without asking or move me…”

“The mood swings are hard,” Yaz agreed. “One minute she’s sweet and lovely and the next she’s lying, stealing and running away.”

“I thought the adoption would have helped her feel more secure,” the Doctor said glumly, “if anything its made it worse.”

“A lot of what she’s doing is typical teenage behaviour; testing boundaries, pushing limits, trying to figure out her place in the world,” Yaz reasoned “but a lot of it is extreme too. She’s acting out and part of it’s so shocking because she might be close to sixteen but developmentally, she’s only eight or nine. Academically she’s a few years younger than that but she’s still got all the same hormones of any other sixteen-year-old.”

“I get the science behind it, we spent months reading about it, doesn’t make it easier to witness or deal with.”

“I know.”

“When’s she back?”

“Dinner time apparently, she knows we’re going round to Jennifer’s for a barbecue.”

The Doctor raised her eyebrows, she would believe that when she saw it. 

“Yeah I know,” Yaz replied. “Can you get up or do you need help?”

“I can do it I think, got to be in work in an hour.”

“I can drop you off if you need me to,” Yaz promised, steadying her slightly as she got into her regular wheelchair. 

“No one told me there would be Saturdays involved when I signed my contract,” she complained.

“Oh stop moaning!” Yaz scoffed. “When you start getting middle of the night call outs and work six weekends in a row or night shifts or 72 hour shifts then you can complain. You have to go in for two hours and do some introductory stuff with the incoming freshers and don’t for a second pretend to me that you don’t love doing stuff like that because we both know you do.”

“Then you don’t get to complain that you don’t love your job either,” the Doctor pointed out.

“I do!” Yaz protested, “but sometimes I love it more than others! And when my phone rings at 3am is definitely a time when I like it less.”

As the Doctor headed into the bathroom Yaz went down to the kitchen to make her something to eat. She’d had breakfast a while ago but she made herself a mug of tea anyway so she could sit down with her wife of almost three years. They were both so busy, it was important that they made the time to be with each other. Even the upcoming summer holidays would be fairly frantic, they were going round to Jennifer’s later on, their usual Sunday lunches with Graham and Ryan, her parents thirtieth wedding anniversary during the last week, all while keeping Maisie out of trouble while she was home. And that didn’t take into account all the things they didn’t know about yet.

Keeping Maisie out of trouble was a full-time job in itself. And when Yaz was out, Maisie took advantage of the fact that the Doctor couldn’t easily follow her if she decided to just leave though Najia was always willing to help out if she was needed, or Sonya who had surprised everyone by really stepping into the role of aunt.

“Thanks Yaz,” the Doctor said, smiling as she lowered herself stiffly into a chair, leaned her crutches against the wall and helped herself to the tea and toast Yaz had made for her.

To both Yaz and the Doctor’s surprise, Maisie came home when she said she would, arriving almost a full hour before they needed to leave for Jennifer’s. But she was shifty, and she barely paused for breath from shouting hello through the living room door where Yaz and the Doctor both were and heading straight upstairs for a shower

As soon as she stepped out of the shower, Yaz went upstairs to empty the laundry hamper. It saddened her, but didn’t surprise her, that Maisie’s clothes stank of cigarette smoke.

“Where’s she getting them from?” the Doctor asked as Yaz shoved them into the washing machine with more force than necessary.

“Don’t know, she’s too young to buy them legally… I'm more worried about how she’s paying for them. We don’t give her enough pocket money to buy them.”

The Doctor shuddered at that.

“God,” Yaz sank down onto a chair. “I'm a police sergeant for crying out loud and I can't even figure out where my daughter is getting cigarettes from.”

“She’s probably getting them in school Yaz, you know that, she’s going to be okay. We’ll get her through this… whatever this stage is that she’s going through.”

“Do you ever feel like being her parent is like living with constant whiplash? Literally one minute she’s curled up on the sofa just about managing to read you books aimed at seven-year-olds and the next she’s out smoking and drinking and goodness only knows what else.”

“You didn’t say she’d been drinking again.”

“I don’t know if she has,” Yaz admitted. “She was steady on her feet when she came in, but we’ll probably be able to tell when she comes down, she’s pretty terrible at hiding it.”

They stopped talking abruptly at the sound of Maisie’s footsteps on the stairs and she wandered into the kitchen wearing a pretty sun dress with yellow stripes and sandals.

“You look nice Maisie Bug,” the Doctor told her, sharing a silent agreement with Yaz that they weren’t going to bring up the smoking right now. That was something they could try and tackle later… again.

“Thanks,” she smiled self-consciously, twirling a piece of hair around her finger, a nervous habit she often had.

Well, at least she was sober.

As she always did, Jennifer greeted everyone with warm hugs before leading them through to her back garden. Lucy was already there, and she screamed excitedly at their arrival.

“Hi Lucy,” Yaz greeted. “You home for the weekend?”

“She is indeed,” called Jennifer from right behind them. “She likes the residential centre but it’s important to me that I care for her at least at the weekends for as long as I’m able. We missed out on too much when I was in hospital and rehabilitating.”

Yaz was incredibly proud of Maisie as she went up to chat to Lucy like she always did. She sat down next to her and held her hand, already beginning a one-sided conversation. While she had plenty of experience of chatting to someone who couldn’t talk back after spending so much with, and now living with the Doctor, there weren’t many fifteen year olds who could so easily spend time with someone as profoundly damaged as Lucy. It was such a contrast from the girl who was testing all the boundaries at home and school.

“She’s so good with her,” Jennifer commented as she watched Maisie pull out her phone and slip an earbud into Lucy’s ear so they could listen to something on Maisie’s phone.

Lucy gurgled contentedly and waved her hands in pleasure, accidentally pulling out the ear-bud in the process but Maisie only laughed and slipped it back in, careful not to knock the ventilator in Lucy’s neck.

“Yeah,” Yaz agreed.

Part of Yaz wished Maisie could be like this all the time, the other part of her knew it wasn’t fair of her to expect that of Maisie.

Jennifer limped back over to the barbecue, leaning heavily on her walking stick where she used a pair of tongs to turn the kebabs she had made.

“Can we do anything?” the Doctor offered.

Jennifer assigned them both things to bring out to the table and by the time they made it back out, Maisie was pushing Lucy to the table and carefully securing her brakes while Jennifer sterilised the table to feed her.

“Jennifer,” Maisie asked slowly, “why does Lucy have a feeding tube in her tummy and Jane wore hers in her nose?”

Yaz was surprised, the Doctor had only had a feeding tube once thankfully, when she had had a major mental breakdown four years ago, and Maisie had never seen it.

“Well, when Jane had her feeding tube it was temporary, she only needed it for a little while. When Lucy first had her accident, she had one in her nose too but when we knew she was going to need it for a long time the doctors decided it should go straight into her tummy instead.”

“Oh… will she always have a feeding tube?”

“Yes, she will, Lucy’s brain won’t get any better than it is now, it doesn’t remember how to eat like yours does.”

“Yaz said Jane’s brain won’t get any better either.”

The Doctor caught Jennifer’s eye and gave her a small smile, the conversation didn’t upset her or offend her. She was learning to live with her broken brain. Most of the time anyway.

“Brains are funny things,” Jennifer explained, “when they get hurt it can cause lots of problems.”

“Yeah, that’s why Jane has seizures sometimes and why sometimes she can't talk or move and Yaz has to look after her,” Maisie explained matter-of-factly, “how does a feeding tube work?”

“Well, Lucy’s tube is called a PEG and it allows me to put her medicine and her food straight into her tummy because she can’t swallow anymore.”

“Can you show me?” Maisie asked, watching with interest as Jennifer lifted up Lucy’s t-shirt.

“Yes of course, take Yaz with you and give your hands a really, really good scrub and then I’ll show you.”

Maisie skipped happily into the kitchen, followed at a more sedate pace by Yaz.

“Thanks for answering her questions,” the Doctor said, sitting down carefully and putting her crutches on the floor. “She’s been asking Yaz a lot of questions recently too.”

“It’s natural for her to be curious. She’s maturing a little, it’s normal for her to want to understand, she’s seen you when you’ve been extremely ill for no apparent reason to her.”

“Yeah, she doesn’t ask me though. I think she’s worried about upsetting me.”

“I think that’s understandable too. She…”

Jennifer stopped talking as Maisie ran back outside, she handed Maisie some sterile gloves to wear. They were comically large on her elfin hands and the Doctor watched as Jennifer instructed Maisie on how to feed Lucy.

Typically, Maisie didn’t have a great concentration span but she did well for the twenty minutes or so that she worked alongside Jennifer. She followed every instruction to the letter, carefully pouring the liquid nutrition through the huge syringe with a tube that attached to the port in her stomach.

When Maisie was done she and Jennifer went back inside to wash their hands while Yaz, who had taken over the responsibility of the barbecue, slid burgers and chicken and vegetable skewers onto a plate in the centre of the table to go with the garlic bread and salad.

If, Yaz thought, she looked back over the last few years, over everything every single person at that table had been through, the chances of them all sitting were they were round the table, as well and content as they were, were pretty slim.

“How’s work Jane?” Jennifer asked politely as she dipped her skewer into some mayo on the side of her plate.

“Not too bad, did have a slightly inebriated fresher throw up on his exam paper and then have the audacity to turn it in and expect me to mark it last week,” she complained with an eye roll.

“That’s vile… did you mark it?”

“Apparently I have to… the vomit was the most intelligent thing on the paper.” She shook her head in disgust. “You?”

“I'm sure I don’t have anything to tell you Yaz hasn’t already told you about.”

“I know she’s glad to have you back.”

“Aww Yaz, so nice to know you care,” Jennifer teased.

“What, the welcome back party _I_ organised didn’t do it for you? I don’t think Vera was cut out to be in charge.”

Ever professional, Jennifer didn’t comment on that. 

“I think she was glad to hand the reigns back over,” she eventually said diplomatically.

The Doctor snorted. Yaz had categorically _not_ enjoyed working under Vera and had bounced around the house singing for weeks when Jennifer had finally been given the all clear to return to work six months previously after almost two years of rehabilitation from her accident.

“How’re you finding it?” the Doctor asked, “is it very different doing a desk job?”

“It’s not that different, I don’t go chasing anyone anymore and I’m still the team leader. But at 5pm I get to go home every day, and I don’t have to have any more middle of the night call outs so there are some benefits… besides I need to help Yaz get promoted to Detective before I can retire!”

Yaz blushed.

“Seriously Yaz,” Jennifer said, noticing the look, “I want you to be a Detective by the time you’re thirty. You’re the best our little unit has to offer and when I leave, I’ll know I'm handing it over to someone capable if you’re still there.”

“I owe everything to you,” Yaz protested modestly. “You trained me and most bosses would have made me quit after Jane’s brain infection when I had to take so much time off.”

“Anyone who would willingly give you up is a terrible leader in my opinion,” Jennifer said sincerely, “seriously Yaz, you’re a huge asset to the force and I’m proud to have you as my protégée.” 

****

Graham watched from the window as Maisie ran up the steps to his and Ryan’s house, Yaz and the Doctor slowly following behind. The Doctor was leaning very heavily on Yaz who was all but carrying her up the stairs and they both looked exhausted. It was the second week in August and he knew that Yaz and the Doctor were struggling with Maisie’s behaviour.

The doorbell rang shrilly, and he answered it.

“Hi kiddo,” he greeted but Maisie ignored him, marching straight into the kitchen and out of sight. Everything all right?” he asked as Yaz and the Doctor made it to the door and Yaz helped the Doctor to sit on the sofa.

“She stayed out all night again,” the Doctor admitted in a low voice. “Snuck out yesterday, came back smelling of alcohol, marijuana and cigarettes again. We had a bit of a scene this morning.”

“Aww love,” Graham sympathised. “This isn’t your fault. You’ll get through to her.”

Yaz let out a disbelieving snort.

“Look, why don’t you two spend some time in here together, Maisie and I’ll do our thing and make the lunch, you two relax okay? I’ll make you both some tea.”

“Thanks Graham.”

Yaz wrapped her arms around her substitute Grandad. He could always be relied on for tea and reassurance.

Graham wandered into the kitchen. Maisie was sitting on one of the bar stools, the scowl on her face was so huge it was almost comical, and she was kicking the chair angrily.

“Thought you would have already started without me,” he said lightly, going to the fridge and getting out the ingredients to make an apple crumble and handed her the scales to start weighing things out.

“Yaz and Jane are mad at me again,” she huffed, cutting butter into cubes expertly.

She knew what she was doing, no matter what, whenever she wasn’t at school on a Sunday, he made an apple crumble with Maisie.

“They’re worried about you.”

“I’m fine.”

Graham couldn’t help but smile at that. “You know, you sound just like Jane when you say that… and she says it most when she’s least fine.”

“You’re not my grandad Graham,” Maisie scowled.

“Doesn’t mean I don’t care.”

“Why do you care?”

“Because Yaz and Jane are my family and that makes you my family too. And I want you all to be happy. And I know doing things like drinking can make you forget your hurting for a little while Maisie, but it won’t make you forget forever, and when you remember it’s even worse than ever before.”

Maisie ignored that. He hadn’t really expected her to acknowledge it but he was glad he’d said it nonetheless.

Graham kept Maisie busy in the kitchen and by the time lunch was ready, some of her good humour had returned. Ryan rushed in just as they were serving the food, kissing Yaz and the Doctor on the cheek and hugging Maisie.

“Sorry I’m late!” he apologised, washing his hands before he sat down, “Had to go into work to finish up some stuff.”

“What’re you working on?” the Doctor asked with interest, cutting a roast potato.,Graham could always be relied on for a full, traditional Sunday roast.

The Doctor found Ryan’s job for the engineering firm that worked on products to support people with a variety of disabilities endlessly fascinating and he often invited her in to look at their latest developments.

“You’d love it!” Ryan exclaimed enthusiastically. “Now I’ve finished my degree and my probation period, they’re trusting me with more and more. I’m working as part of a team that’re looking at the future of prosthetic hands and robotics so people can use the remaining muscles in their residual limbs to control the hand!”

“That sounds fascinating, how does that work?” the Doctor asked curiously.

“It’s so cool, we think at the moment it will work best for people who’ve experienced amputation rather than people with birth defects and basically the person thinks about going to do something like lift up a glass or scratching their head or whatever it is and the muscles in their own arm should respond accordingly because their body knows how to do that action but the sensors in the prosthetic will be able to read those muscle movements and the prosthetic will respond accordingly!” Ryan explained enthusiastically, his eyes lighting up as he talked about his passion.

“That’s fantastic Ryan, technology like that really has the possibility to have a huge impact on the quality of people’s lives and their independence.”

“Thanks… actually there’s something else I wanted to tell you,” he admitted bashfully. “it’s been in the works for a while, but I only got the confirmation this week and I really wanted to tell you in person because it’s really down to you…”

“Ryan,” Yaz laughed, “just tell us, you’re rambling worse than the Doctor does.”

“Hey!” the Doctor exclaimed, “rude!”

“Moving on… but I actually got accepted to do my master’s degree,” he announced, almost shyly.

For a moment there was quiet, Graham was beaming in pride, he already knew of course, Yaz was stunned and Maisie didn’t quite understand the gravity of it.

“Ryan!” shouted the Doctor, standing up suddenly and leaning on the backs of everyone’s chairs to keep her balance as she strode round the other side of the table and practically fell on top of Ryan as she pulled him into a huge hug, trusting that he wouldn’t let her fall.

He didn’t and caught her easily, laughing.

“It’s all thanks to you, I never even would have applied in the first place if it weren’t for you and I would never have got into the field I'm in if it weren’t for you either… or made it through my degree without you tutoring me.”

“You might not be doing the specifics Ryan, but you absolutely could have ended up doing this without me.”

“I never would’ve even considered it if it weren’t for you,” Ryan argued, “so thank-you.”

“Congratulations Ryan, you really deserve it!” Yaz said sincerely.

She was so proud of him, he was like her brother and no one deserved success as much as he did.

The fam returned to their dinner while the Doctor peppered Ryan with questions about his degree. She was still at it when everyone else had finished and Yaz volunteered herself and Maisie to clear the table.

“You feeling okay sweetheart? You didn’t really eat anything.” Yaz asked in concern.

She had never been a picky eater having spent so much of her early childhood without, in fact preventing her from overeating was usually more of a challenge though despite that, she was still tiny and could have easily passed as a primary school aged child.

Maisie nodded, not looking at Yaz.

“You sure?”

To Yaz’s intense surprise Maisie suddenly wrapped her arms around her and she hugged her back tightly. Maisie had been avoiding both her and the Doctor all afternoon.

“Hey, it’s okay sweetheart,” Yaz soothed, stroking Maisie’s hair and kissing the top of her hair, utterly bewildered.

“Yaz, my tummy doesn’t feel so good, can we go home?”

“Sure sweetheart,” Yaz put a hand on Maisie’s forehead; she wasn’t hot but she was pale. “You’ve been quite poorly this summer, maybe we need to take you to see a doctor.”

****

“Doctor? You here?” called Yaz as she walked into the TARDIS having just dropped Maisie off with her parents for the night.

There was no answer other than a low hum for the TARDIS and Yaz walked over to the console.

“Is she here?” Yaz asked, rubbing the central console.

The TARDIS emitted a low series of beeps in response. and one of her corridors lit up.

“Thanks,” Yaz patted her lightly in appreciation and followed the soft lights.

Whether or not she recognised the corridor was often irrelevant these days, the TARDIS had become very playful of late and had been producing wilder and crazier rooms while hiding others, and no amount of telling off from the Doctor was changing her mind.

The Doctor was getting exasperated, Maisie loved it and Yaz was staying out of it.

Finally, after it felt like she had been walking for ages, she came to a small, wooden door at the end of the corridor and she pushed it open slowly, wondering what the Doctor and the TARDIS were up to. She ducked through the door and gasped in pleasure.

The room beyond the door, she wasn’t even sure if it could be described as a room because it looked like it was outside, a huge, natural space lit by a setting sun, with rocks and trees surrounding a truly stunning hot spring which seemed to shimmer in the light as it emitted soft, hazy steam.

“Yaz, you made it,” the Doctor greeted, smiling with pleasure at her wife and crossing the rocky floor to gather her in her arms.

“What’s all this?”

“You’ve been working like crazy this week, thought you deserved a night off from responsibility.”

Yaz’s heart melted a little. “That’s so thoughtful of you, thank you.”

“You deserve it,” the Doctor told her sincerely, slipping her arm through Yaz’s, “I thought we could start with a soak in the hot spring, then have a picnic and watch the stars, how does that sound?”

“Like one of the best things you’ve ever suggested,” Yaz said honestly, snaking her arm around the Doctor’s waist. “I didn’t bring a swimsuit though.”

“Who said anything about a swimsuit,” the Doctor teased playfully.

“What, seriously?”

“Not like we’re going to be disturbed is it?” the Doctor asked, gesturing widely at the expanse of deserted space.

“Let’s go!”

Suddenly, nothing in the world sounded more appealing than soaking in that hot spring and she lightly tugged the Doctor to the rocky ledge surrounding the deep, turquoise pool. They stripped off and the Doctor used her crutches to hop to the waters edge where she allowed Yaz to help her to the ground and they shuffled in together, giggling slightly at what they were doing.

The water was blissful and Yaz felt more relaxed than she had in weeks as it lapped at her skin while her exhausted muscles absorbed the heat.The spring had a natural, gentle current running through it, it made it feel more like a jacuzzi and Yaz sighed contentedly as they found a natural ledge to sit on, relaxed against each other.

Yaz pulled the Doctor against her, trailing her fingers up and down her torso, following the line of her scars and kissing her neck, appreciating the moment. The Doctor was a lot more confident with and accepting of her body now, she hid away far less, but Yaz was still surprised she had suggested skinny dipping, even if there was no chance of them being disturbed.

“Do you ever think about our future?” Yaz asked suddenly.

“All the time, why?”

“Just with mum and dad’s 30th anniversary next week, do you think that’ll be us some day?”

“Yeah, I do,” the Doctor answered honestly. “I never wanna let you go Yaz. Do you think about it?”

“I do now,” Yaz admitted. “I didn’t before, I was too worried about what the next day or week would bring but I don’t worry about you like that anymore, I don’t need to.”

“I don’t like that you ever had to do that.”

“I know, but there aren’t many couples who’ve gone through what we have, our experiences have only made us stronger. ”

Eventually, the rumbling of the Doctor’s stomach drove them out of the water and dressed in just their underwear and t-shirts, they tucked into the picnic of hot sausage rolls, strawberries, mini quiche and chocolate cream cakes prepared by the TARDIS.

The sun had well and truly set by the time they had finished and the two of them lay down on the soft, springy grass, Yaz with her head resting on the Doctor’s stomach as the Doctor played with her hair.

“I think we deserve this,” Yaz yawned sleepily, almost purring as the Doctor hit just the right spot.

“Deserve what?”

“This; being so happy, you being healthy, being married and together and just… happy. I'm just so happy to be happy… does that sound silly.”

“Not at all,” the Doctor reassured her, leaning so she could kiss the top of Yaz’s head. “You Yaz, you deserve all the happiness in the universe.”

****

“Jane, do we have any cheese and onion crisps?” Maisie asked, wandering into the kitchen at the beginning of the last week of her six-week summer holidays where the Doctor was working, planning lectures for the upcoming year.

“I don’t think so, I think you ate them all, besides you didn’t eat your lunch.”

“I don’t like sausages,” Maisie complained.

“Since when? They’ve always been your favourite.”

“I dunno,” Maisie shrugged. “They just make me feel sick now.”

She lifted her purse from the kitchen bench.

“Where are you going?”

“Shop obviously,” Maisie explained, not pausing for the Doctor to give or deny permission before walking out the front door, safe in the knowledge that she could easily outrun her.

The Doctor supposed they could count it as a win that she came straight back though she was more than a little concerned when she saw Maisie carrying two large carrier bags stuffed with crisps which she squirreled up to her room. It hadn’t escaped hers or Yaz’s notice that Maisie had put on a little weight over the last few weeks.

Just as Maisie’s bedroom door closed, the front door opened as Yaz arrived home from work. She kicked off her boots in the hall and wandered into the kitchen, kissing the Doctor in greeting like she always did.

“You alright?” Yaz asked.

“Yeah fine, just a few more things to finish up for the science intro course for the general foundation year,” she rolled her eyes, “sometimes I think the TARDIS made my credentials too good.”

“You didn’t even think you would be able to maintain a job because of your health, now you’ve been picked to head up a flagship foundation project for all the students starting who’ve been out of education for a while, that’s incredible and I’m proud of you!”

The Doctor leaned her head against Yaz’s arm affectionately.

“I love you Yaz,” she said softly, smiling as Yaz trailed her fingers lightly down her back.

“Maybe in twenty-seven years, we’ll have everyone coming for our anniversary,” Yaz mused. “That’s a scary thought, I’ll be in my 50s, Maisie will probably have kids of her own.”

“How formal is this do of your parents tonight?”

“Just a family party, wear something nice but no pressure or anything.”

“You can have the shower first, I need to finish up here.”

“Okay, don’t be too long though,” Yaz warned her, kissing her again.

“I won’t,” the Doctor promised.

“Wow, you look incredible!” the Doctor complimented, staring unashamedly at Yaz who had just appeared wearing a stunning, burgundy, lace dress. It was tight fitting, highlighting every curve and muscle and completely plain other than a gold zip down the back. Yaz’s hair was freshly washed and loosely braided over one shoulder and she had a simple gold bracelet the Doctor had bought her for her birthday glinting at her wrist.

“You haven’t scrubbed up so bad yourself!” she said admiringly. The Doctor was wearing a simple navy-blue jumpsuit with large white flowers and white sandals. It was very different to what she normally wore but it suited her exceptionally well.

The Doctor slowly wrapped her arms around Yaz and pulled her in close, kissing her deeply.

“Eew, you two are gross,” Maisie complained, appearing down the stairs.

“Someday Maisie,” the Doctor told her sincerely, “I really hope you fall in love with someone who you love and who loves you as much as I love Yaz.”

“You alright sweetheart?” Yaz asked, her brow furrowing as Maisie rubbed her chest.

“I have heartburn,” Maisie complained.

“Probably all those crisps,” the Doctor reprimanded lightly. “Where’s your new skirt you were so excited to wear?”

“I think the zips broken, it wouldn’t go all the way up.”

Yaz shot the Doctor a significant look. They didn’t need to get into that now. Things had been relatively peaceful the last few weeks as Maisie had been under the weather and hadn’t felt like going out much. Neither of them pushed it any further and they headed out to the car where Yaz drove them to the hotel where Najia and Hakim had booked a room for the family party.

“You still okay with this?” Yaz asked the Doctor in a low voice, glancing back at Maisie while she did so who had slipped her ever present earbuds back in. “You haven’t seen a lot of these people since my cousins wedding a few years ago.”

“I’m fine, what about you? Most of your extended family have never met Maisie.”

“Not too worried, she’s met some of my younger cousins a couple of times and got on pretty well with them so I'm hoping she’ll hang out with them for the night, but you and I will be stuck making small talk with the grown-ups.”

“How long until Fareeda comes up to insult us do you think?”

Yaz snorted. “Less than ten minutes for sure.”

When they arrived, Yaz’s prediction turned out to be correct and Maisie quickly abandoned them in favour of hanging out with a group of Yaz’s teenage cousins. 

Unfortunately her other prediction also came true and they were accosted by Fareeda within a few minutes of their arrival who tried to steer Yaz in the direction of some young, eligible bachelors. Unfortunately, the Doctor was leaning on Yaz’s arm and as Yaz was pulled by Fareeda she was almost overbalanced before Yaz could catch her.

“Auntie,” Yaz hissed furiously, not willing to make a scene, “I am happily married! I'm sorry you don’t approve but at the end of the day I don’t need your approval because I love my wife very much, she is kind and wonderful and takes care of me and most of all, she loves me too.”

Yaz would have loved to storm off and get away from Fareeda but she felt that being twenty-seven meant she was really too old for that, not to mention the Doctor’s arm looped through her own and she was reliant on her for balance.

Mercifully, a distraction arrived in the form of Sonya who brought Yaz and the Doctor a drink and told Fareeda that Hakim was looking for her. She toddled off though didn’t look happy about it.

“Was dad actually looking for her?” Yaz asked, sipping the lemonade provided by her sister.

“Nah but you two looked like you’d been cornered, she got me when I arrived too… anyway, did you see the class lists have been announced for September Doctor Smith?” Sonya asked, turning her attention to the Doctor.

“Got the email but haven’t had a chance to look, why?”

“Because for my foundation year my course is led by and my personal academic advisor is Dr. J Smith, you wouldn’t happen to know them, would you?”

“What, seriously?”

Yaz laughed. “I can't believe you’re finally going to uni and the Doctor is your teacher,” she turned to the Doctor, “Please put her in detention, I’ll love you for ever!” she begged.

“You already promised to love me for ever, remember? Besides we don’t do detention at university.”

“Oh yeah, oh well, guess you’re stuck with me anyway then” Yaz laughed. She didn’t know why but the thought of the Doctor being Sonya’s teacher really tickled her.

Before Yaz could dig herself a hole the staff in the hotel started ushering everyone towards tables to get ready for the meal. Yaz checked on Maisie but she was deep in discussion with one of the cousins and elected to stay with them rather than joining the table with Najia, Hakim, Yaz, the Doctor, Sonya and Umbreen.

“Dance with me?” the Doctor invited, holding her hand out to Yaz as the music started playing after dinner.

“Always.”

Yaz loved dancing with the Doctor, they took every opportunity to do so, often dancing to the radio in the kitchen or in the TARDIS who managed to find something to match their mood exactly, even if it was rarely something she had heard before.

As Yaz surveyed her family; her wife in her arms, her daughter giggling with her cousin, her parents slowly swaying together like they were the only people in the room and her sister dancing with their Nani in her wheelchair, she knew that this was exactly where they were all supposed to be.

****

A few days later, with Maisie busy watching the television, Yaz ushered the Doctor down to their bedroom. They needed to talk. There had been a lot of clues over the last few weeks and Yaz had been praying she had been reading the signs wrong, but as they went on… it was harder to convince herself that she was.

“Everything alright Yaz?” the Doctor asked, sitting on the bed and allowing Yaz to prop her crutches against the wall for her.

Yaz didn’t say anything but she went to her bedside table and lifted out a small, white paper bag from the local pharmacy.

“I need to talk to you about something.”

“You sound very serious, are you okay?”

Yaz sat down beside her and crossed her legs. Her face was troubled and the Doctor rested a hand on her knee.

“Yaz, talk to me love.”

“I keep trying to tell myself I'm imagining it, but I don’t think I am.”

“Imagining what?” the Doctor asked, feeling more nervous by the minute.

“I think…” Yaz took a steadying breath, “I think Maisie might be pregnant,” she said finally, handing the paper bag to the Doctor.

She opened it, inside was a pregnancy test.

“She’s not. She can't be pregnant, she’s not even sixteen yet.”

“Not how it works Doctor, she’s had periods since she was twelve, she absolutely could be pregnant… plus she’s been sick, her eating habits have changed, the weird dreams she’s been having, she’s put on weight. And yesterday when I was in the upstairs bathroom, there were two full boxes of tampons in there and I haven’t topped them up in a while, she hasn’t been using mine, I would have noticed. I know you’ve noticed things too… wait, you do know how this works right?”

“I think I'm probably a little fuzzy on the details,” the Doctor admitted sheepishly.

“Okay,” Yaz took a breath and started explaining.

“So all she has to do is pee on the stick and it’ll tell us?” the Doctor clarified when Yaz had finished explaining.

“Exactly.”

“Do we do it now?”

“I think we have to,” Yaz said softly. “But I really hope I'm wrong. Maisie can't look after a baby. She can't look after herself, she wouldn’t know the first thing about being a parent. She…”

Yaz was getting more worked up by the second and the Doctor laid a calming hand on her arm.

“Yaz! Calm down love, we can discuss these things when we know for sure. Right now, we need to go and talk to Maisie okay?”

Yaz nodded and got up, helping the Doctor to her feet. “Let’s get it over with,” she said with a small sigh, aware that all their lives might be about to change irrevocably _again_.

In the living room, Maisie had stopped watching TV and was playing on her phone.

“Maisie, we need to talk to you about something important,” Yaz said, sitting on the armchair beside the sofa while the Doctor sat on the sofa next to her.

“Can we do it later? My tummy hurts again,” she whined.

“No sweetheart, we can't… Maisie do you have a boyfriend?” the Doctor asked gently.

Maisie giggled. “No!” she denied vehemently but Yaz was sure she was lying.

“Maisie, you really haven’t been feeling very well recently,” Yaz said, bluntly trying a different tactic. “Do you think you could be pregnant?”

Maisie giggled again. “No silly. You need a husband to be pregnant.”

“That’s not true Maisie, I know you know that because we’ve talked about it before, lots of times.”

“I’m not going to have a baby Yaz,” Maisie said confidently, picking up her phone again.

The Doctor took it out of her hands gently.

“Maisie, we need to be sure sweetheart. If you are pregnant then we need to deal with it, if you’re not then maybe we need to take you to see the doctor because you’ve been poorly on and off for a few weeks now.”

“How can you make sure? Do you need to use one of those machines to look inside my tummy?”

“I think you mean an ultrasound, and no, we don’t. We have a test that you can do at home first.”

Yaz showed Maisie the test and explained how it worked.

“I don’t want to,” she cried, clutching at the Doctor’s arm.

“Maisie we won’t force you if you really don’t want to,” Yaz explained, crouching in front of her but we do need to sort this out love so we will have to go and see a doctor if you don’t want to do a test here; but it’s up to you. If you want to go and see a doctor instead then that’s fine.”

Maisie cried harder, burrowing her head in the Doctor’s chest and Yaz exchanged a look with her wife. This was so hard. Maisie was not ready for something like this, if Yaz was honest with herself, Maisie might never be ready for something like this. She had so many problems already. Yaz stroked Maisie’s hair softly.

“Maisie, Jane and I love you no matter what, I promise. But we can’t not check sweetheart.”

“You’re the Doctor, why can't you check?” Maisie sobbed, not moving her head from where it was still resting against the Doctor.

“Because I'm not that kind of Doctor sweetheart.”

“I don’t want to,” she repeated.

“I know,” the Doctor soothed, rocking her slightly.

“But… I will,” she agreed finally.

“I think that’s the right choice sweetheart,” Yaz told her, wrapping an arm around her and taking her down to their ensuite, the Doctor following behind.

Yaz took Maisie into the bathroom and handed her the test, double checking she knew what to do and then went back into the bedroom with the Doctor to wait. The two of them sat side by side, holding each other’s hand.

Maisie came out about thirty seconds later and handed the test to Yaz. She sat down beside her and Yaz wrapped an arm around her tightly.

It felt like the longest two minutes of her life.

When her phone beeped, Yaz lifted the test out of the box where it had been resting.

Pregnant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading. 
> 
> As always, feel free to add me on discord for a chat: anobii#8042


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